Even Hotter

Who is Good Will Hunting?

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Fri, 07 Mar 2008 02:41:00 +0000

Dear Tinkerbell,

Everyone is screwing everyone else. Sarah Silverman is claiming to have done the nasty with Matt Damon and made this weirdo-indy-harajuku-rock video to prove it (and understandably so since he is waaaaaaaay hotter than her).

In response to these allegations, Jimmy Kimmel went out and bumped uglies with Ben Affleck (more believable) and then hired a cast of A-listers to rub Sarah’s face in it. Ha! He’s a bigger bitch than I am!

Nice. Revenge sex is hot! But we all know who's going to end up with who...

Well, I’ve got news you…I screwed all four of them!

Barack is the New Black

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Fri, 29 Feb 2008 22:20:00 +0000

Dear Tinkerbell,

And now for my in-depth and highly intellectual discussion on Barack Obama during which I will weigh the pros and cons of his campaign with a fair and unbiased eye.

Oprah loves him. Scarlett Johnasson is engaged to him. Will.i.am made a Barack tribute music video packed to the brim with celebs.

And now he’s got the rest of them wrapped around his little finger. I’ve been trying to get Spielberg to throw me a party for years (to no avail) but all Hollywood’s new political golden boy had to do was smile and the invites were dispatched. Spielberg, Katzenberg and Geffen got together at threw a $2,300-a-head cocktail party at the Beverly Hilton in his honor. There were tons of people there…George Clooney, Eddie Murphy and Barbra Streisand, Ron Howard, Morgan Freeman, Jackson Browne, Jennifer Aniston, Natalie Maines, Ben Stiller, J.J. Abrams…to name a few.

So there you have it. I’m voting for Obama. Hollywood has spoken.

Barack is the new black, bitches.

Celebrity Injustice

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Wed, 13 Feb 2008 20:03:00 +0000

Dear Tinkerbell,

Ugh. My poor brother. I feel so badly for him!!! Yet another celebrity to fall victim to the law. Haven't they handed out enough DUIs? Must they continue to persecute us?

You know what we need??? We need a president that will exonerate criminals base on celebrity status. Celebrities are an oft overlooked minority group who, despite all we give to the community, are often treated as...shudder...regular people! It's a travesty! An total injustice. It is our right, as celebrities, to receive special treatment. I will not stand for this any longer! Maybe I'll take a page out of Obama's book...YES WE CAN (RECEIVE SPECIAL TREATMENT)! Yes we can.

I need a cocktail. And a car.

She`s Gonna Make America Her Bitch

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Wed, 06 Feb 2008 05:02:00 +0000

Dear Tinkerbell,

As promised, I am going to give an educated and insightful discussion on each of the democratic candidates. Syke. I'm only going to talk about Hillary and Obama because, according to the polls, they're so hot right now. And I may talk about Edwards but only because he has that hot southern drawl.

Today's candidate is: Hillary.

Hot: She's a woman and the sisterhood needs to stick together (unless she's scamming on my boyfriend at Hyde, cause then the bitch better run).

Not Hot: Her stylist. Ew. Why does she always look like she's been reupholstered? Put down the pantsuit, bitch!

Her first order of business as President should be pack her ass and our tax dollars into Airforce One and hit up fashion week.

Hot: Her husband felt me up at a White House fundraiser when I was 19.

Not Hot: She freaked out about it.

Hot: She's related to George Clinton of the Parliament Funkadelics and it would be smart to have close ties with Britain's Parliament.

Not Hot: Her hair. I'm over the lesbian thing.

Hot: She likes to slam Bush. Yeah...that's right...I just got my double entendre on.

Not Hot: Mr. and Mrs. President sounds so gay.

Hot:

Anyway, it would be pretty sweet to have a woman as president so she can make some much needed changes around this dump. Add a feminine touch, ya know? Off the top of my head, she could make the FDA approve illegal diet pills and over-the-counter Botox (she would benefit there too). Maybe install tanning booths at every highway reststop so you can get your base on the way to the beach. Style incentives produced by taxing the purchase of ugly clothing only. Hell, tax ugly people, for that matter...they've taxed us long enough.

There are my thoughts on Hillary. Eat it up, bitches.

PS -

(NOT HOT)

Can You Bring Blow to a Political Party?

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Wed, 30 Jan 2008 03:37:00 +0000

Dear Tinkerbell,

Since the presidential caucuses are about the only thing on TV (thanks to the epic writer’s strike), I have been inundated with political information and forced to spend an inordinate amount of time considering the presidential candidates. Until now, I have not given much thought to my stance on politics because a) I’m hot and b) just about anything else is more interesting.

Here’s what I’ve got so far: I’m rich, so I'm pretty sure that means that I’m a Democrat. The Kennedy’s were Democrats. Plus, Daddy said that the Democrats give money to the poor and the Republicans keep it for themselves. And even though I don’t really want to give the poor my money, I think I have to say that I do because it reminds people that I’m rich and can afford it. So, given all this, I am not even going to waste my timing thinking about about Republicans. And that is totally fine with me because they are popular in those weirdo, inbred, hillbilly states and I don’t want anything to do with that. Plus, I think Democrats are cool with lesbians and I’ve been looking into that lately. Swinging both ways is so hot right now.

For those with PhotoCrank

For the haters that don't

Once I figure out who the Democratic candidates are, I will write insightful political commentaries on each.

Throwing Spears

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Wed, 09 Jan 2008 19:33:00 +0000

Dear Tinkerbell,

As you may remember, Tink, Dr. Phil had promised his captivated and salivating audience of stay at home Moms a special on the trainwreck that is Ms. Spears (if you're nasty). Then, to the dismay of all the self-help junkies out there, he canceled the special and released the following statement:

“As was widely reported this weekend, at the request of concerned family members, I visited Britney Spears in the hospital. The details of that visit will, of course, remain private. We had planned to tape a Dr. Phil Now show tomorrow, focusing not on the tabloid side of Britney’s latest problems, but instead on the very serious issues surrounding this case.

Clearly, it is not just Britney’s family struggling to find a way to protect adult children who cannot be ordered or compelled to seek help. Because the Spears situation is too intense at this time, and out of consideration to the family, I have made the decision not to move forward with the taping at this particular time. Britney and her family are in our prayers and we ask that they be in yours.”

Then, in a [ahem] surprising turn of events, Britney's estranged parents unified themselves to emit a collective "Nuh Uh!". Lou Taylor, the family spokeswoman, appeared on yesterday's Today and said that the family never planned to do a show with Dr. Phil, that "he was not invited to make this a public display" and that "they were taken advantage of".

Come on now. First of all, their daughter is the very definition of a public display. Second of all, how can you turn to Dr. Phil, a very public figure who happens to host his own talk show, for psychiatric support and honestly believe you are doing all that you can to protect your daughter's privacy? Sorry guys...the world isn't that gullible.

A mediawhoresayswhat? What?

So what happened? No private physicians around? No bored doctors out there willing to join the staff as Britney's private psychiatrist for a healthy six figure sum? Come on! They could go clubbing together!

But if none of this suits them, there is always option B...it's called hush money, you idiots. I use it all the time.

For those with PhotoCrank

For the haters that don't

Cocktail Pusher

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Mon, 07 Jan 2008 19:05:00 +0000

Dear Tinkerbell,

Can Kelly Osbourne be any more pathetic? She is telling everyone and anyone that I poisoned her! Apparently, at Noir last week, she turned to a whole crew of people and said " [Paris] gave me my first alcohol poisoning". Oh, spare me. I can hardly believe that the post-rehab daughter of Ozzy Osbourne experienced her first incidence of alcohol poisoning any time recently nor can I believe that I could possibly have had anything to do with it.

And why does she have to say it like I injected it in her? Or slipped it in her drink? Like, she left to use the ladies room and I slipped a shot of rum in her Coke. Please. All I plan on giving her is a couple of reputation-tarnishing rumors and possibly an STD. You can count on that.

For those with PhotoCrank

For the haters that don't

Brit Interrupted

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Fri, 04 Jan 2008 21:32:00 +0000

Dear Tinkerbell,

Looks like Brit Brit finally lost her shit shit. Check out this video of her being removed from her house strapped to a gurney like the freakin' mental patient that she is.

Apparently, she totally bugged out and held one of the kids hostage in her bedroom. The paramedics found her alternating between fits of laughing and hysterics. It is all so Girl Interrupted. Brit Brit would totally be the patient that was obsessed with chicken.

We all knew she was on the road to the inevitable psychotic breakdown, but I was hoping she'd drag out the journey a little longer...perhaps take the scenic route. But alas, she is currently a "special needs" patient in lockdown at Cedars Sinai Medical Center. Le sigh.

For those with PhotoCrank

For the haters that don't

Oooo…I hope she’s mad that I hooked up with KFed. You don’t think this has anything to do with that, do you?

And I thought I was bringing trashy back...

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Thu, 03 Jan 2008 19:13:00 +0000

Dear Tinkerbell,

Hahaha...have you seen the pictures of Ms. sober-and-serious-actress-who-is-too-good-to-be-any-fun having her way with a bit of man candy on New Years Eve!?!?

Ugh, she is so pathetic. She catches one whiff of my idea to bring trashy back in '08, and she just can't wait to make it look like it was her idea. But while I sucked face with the king-o-trash, she embodied it herself. Ew, Lindsay...hasn't she ever heard of taking on new trends in moderation?

Oh, gross...is Dario Faiella unzipping his pants? Or trying to hide his junk? Personally, I would advise the latter.

For those with PhotoCrank

For the haters that don't

PS - By the way, Dario was lucky guy number four for Lindsay that evening.

PPS - And, yes, you saw correctly...LiLo is, in fact, grabbing her own ass.

Slumming is so hot right now

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Wed, 02 Jan 2008 21:06:00 +0000

Dear Tinkerbell,

Happy New Year, Bitches!!!

I have just returned from black-out city, located in lovely Las Vegas. Me and Nicky hosted an uber-fab party at LAX. Everyone was there. Obs.

And yes, Tink, I did get down and dirty with a certain someone. And yes, he would fit right in on the Jerry Springer set. But, believe me, I have my reasons. Last year, Justin brought sexy back so I was thinking that this year, to shake things up a bit, I'm going to bring trashy back. That's right...trashy is the new sexy. And I firmly believe that if you're going to do something, you should do it right, soooo I decided to drag my ass through the filthiest of gutters...the one and only KFed.

Slumming is so hot right now.

The only thing that could make it even dirtier is to feed Britney one too many Boones and convince her to join KFed and I in a filthy threesome on a bed of Cheetos.

For those with PhotoCrank

For the haters that don't

Barron Hiltons Lump of Coal

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Fri, 28 Dec 2007 01:11:00 +0000

Dear Tinkerbell,

SHIT! Shitshitshitshitshit! How can grandpa do this to me? I thought I was his “favorite princess”!?!? On what deranged plane of existence is it acceptable to bequeath the near entirety of one’s fortune to charity rather than to one’s supposed FAVORITE PRINCESS?! That old coot is sitting on 2.3 billion dollars and, in his venerable senility, has decided to donate 2.2 billion of it to charity. It’s almost laughable! Why?! Because of the DUIs? The drugs? The men? The jail time? The spending? The scandal? COME ON!! 2007 wasn’t THAT bad!!! Get over it, you old fart. Merry fucking Christmas.

Speaking of the proverbial lump of coal, can you believe Jamie Lynne Spears is knocked up? Just in time for the holidays too. I wonder what she’s promoting…a new show? I smell a reality hit here...Mama, Me and the Bastard Makes Three.

I don’t think her Momma is doing a very good job spinning this...if Joe Simpson were her father, you know we’d be reading something along the lines of how Jamie Lynn is reinventing the immaculate conception for her new album this Christmas season. Brilliant.

For those with PhotoCrank

For the haters that don't

Merry Christmas

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Tue, 25 Dec 2007 22:16:00 +0000

Dear Tinkerbell,

I guess Jamie Lynn was naughty this year...

Aint Love Grand?

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Tue, 18 Dec 2007 17:04:00 +0000

Dear Tinkerbell,

Pam Anderson and Rick Solomon are getting divorced!! Ha! Oh please...like anyone is surprised. They had as much of a chance as Britney Spears and that short, bald guy from Seinfeld. Let's take a look at the past repeating itself...

After knowing Tommy Lee for 96 hours, Pam and Tommy Lee get married on February 19, 1995...

She filed for divorce, they reconciled, she filed for divorce again, they reconciled again...

After they FINALLY got divorced in 1998, Pammy got engaged to male model Marcus Schenkenberg...and broke it off.

Then she met and got engaged to the notoriously filthy Kid Rock...and broke it off.

Pammy soothed her aching heart with good ol' fashioned booty calls and STDs courtesy of one and only Tommy Lee.

After reaching maximum capacity, she swore off Tommy Lee, got back together with Kid Rock, got engaged and then married on a yacht in St. Tropez...only to get divorced three months later.

(Followed by the inevitable boot-knocking with Tommy Lee.)

Finally, after bonding over their shared love of home-made sex tapes, she married Rick Solomon in Las Vegas in between acts of her magic show with Hans Klok...

...ONLY TO GET DIVORCED TWO MONTHS LATER!

And, for catty measure, we shant forget the slew of other men she's ridden (Scott Baio, Bret Michaels, Stephen Dorff, Dean Cain, Vince Neil and Sylvester Stallone...to name a few). I'm not reveling in their divorce because I'm at all still bitter at Rick Solomon for filming, distributing and making a fortune from 1 Night in Paris.

After all, it is my only movie that has ever won an award. Although, why this is the case is completely beyond me...National Lampoon's Pledge This is a sure fire classic. Regardless, it's just that I truly believe that her blatant disregard for the sanctity of marriage cheapens it for the rest of us.

Heehee...I almost believe that myself. Whatever.

For those with PhotoCrank

For the haters that don't

But apparently the cited irreconcilable differences are, in fact, reconcilable because...they just got back together. Le sigh.

PhotoCrank

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Tue, 18 Dec 2007 00:08:00 +0000

Dear Tinkerbell,

I know for a fact that there are hundreds of people secretly reading my innermost thoughts, observations and musings and, out of the goodness of my heart, I added PhotoCrank for their amusement. Now, maybe I've taken it for granted that you voyeurs aren't retarded but I'd be lying if I said I wasn't pissed when I went to a bunch of other blogs that use PhotoCrank and saw that their readers are posting, like, 50-60 really effing funny captions per picture! Shame on you! It's like web graffiti. Get a clue.

Let me spell it out a little more clearly. You see the blue thingy at the bottom of every picture on this website?
Click it, bitches!

The little blue thingy lets you do two things:
1. Look at what others have done to the picture
2. Do some of your own shit

Here are some pics to practices on:

Amuse me, goddammit.

Poshs Cup Runneth Over

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Mon, 17 Dec 2007 17:52:00 +0000

Dear Tinkerbell,

EeeeeewwwwwwwaHahahahahahaha! Check out this uber hot picture of Victoria Beckham’s armpit fat! GAG! How is armpit fat even possible!??! Aren't armpits, like, inverted?! That’s like having bellybutton fat!

It’s so disgusting! How does she shave it? Why can’t I stop looking at it!? It’s like ugly people and the homeless…you don’t want to look, but sometimes it’s just impossible to turn away. It’s hard to believe she has enough fat on her to cause this trainwreck of a fashion disaster. I know for a fact that she does not exceed 400 calories a day but, to be fair, we must not forget that her ratio of calf cellulite to skin surface area exceeds that seen anywhere else in the entire world.

But she’s so skinny everywhere else. Maybe her implants are getting squished out the side, in which case she should seriously consider wearing a less restrictive bustier. The British always think tighter is better. Morons. Would you like a clue with your tea and crumpets?

David should drop her mess and cum hop on mine, if ya know what I mean.

For those with PhotoCrank

For the haters that don't

Full House of Horrors

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Fri, 14 Dec 2007 03:54:00 +0000

Dear Tinkerbell,

OMG!!! THERE IS A VIDEO TO GO ALONG WITH PETA'S ANTI-OLSEN CAMPAIGN!!

Looks about on par with the rest of their portfolio, no?

OMG, EW! And you can go here to dress them up in different bloodied fur outfits! This is SO gross (actually, the butchered beaver boots are kind of hot). Talk about a well executed use of shock value to get a point across. Well, PETA has done it...I am swearing off the Olsens for the rest of my life! Thank you for showing my the error of my ways.

Pet Olsen Free to Good Home

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Fri, 14 Dec 2007 01:06:00 +0000

Dear Tinkerbell,

Did you see the new PETA campaign slamming the Olsen twins?

HAHAHA! I love it! I may paper my powder room with it. Now please don’t misunderstand me, Tink. I definitely don’t have a problem with fur…hell, I’m wearing a mink bustier as I type…I am just totally against the Olsens. Ew. They’re too small, skittish and bug-eyed. They remind me too much of Baby Luv, that hateful Kinkajou that bit me. Just add the fur that PETA’s all worked up about and Baby Luv could be the missing triplet.

For those with Photocrank

For the haters that don’t

I don’t even know why they’re famous. What have they done lately that hasn’t gone straight to video? There is limited space in Hollywood and we don’t need two freaky little wombats skirting around and scaring the bejeezus out of everyone. I vote we get rid of one and replace the other with this guy…the one rocking it out behind the newly rotund Mr. Belding.

Hahaha…he’s funny and Mr. Belding is fat.

The Can-O-Champagne Campaign

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Thu, 13 Dec 2007 02:10:00 +0000

Dear Tinkerbell,

As you know, Tink, I just launched the new "IT" drink. Champagne in a can is going to be EVERYWHERE! Based on the party in Tyrol, Rich Prosecco is going to be the hottest thing since Jell-O shots.

And I was totally the brains behind the operation. I just used the age-old method I always use when starting the next hot, new trend: take something people already enjoy and cheapen it. In this case, I just took delicious and decadent Champagne, threw it in a can, added a plastic straw and a golden hue that would make a northern Jersey mobster's wife cringe and...Voila! You get the same revolutionary effect seen when Red Bull is added to Grey Goose, when sequins are added to silk, when clear is added to heels and when Ben Affleck is added to the cast of any movie. I'm a total genius.

For those with PhotoCrank

For the haters that don't

I can just see Tara Reid now...slouched on the sofa, picking a wedge, eating day old pizza and balancing a can of Rich Prosecco on her botched-lipo gut. Ka-Ching!

Oompa Loompas Make Great Purse Pets

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Wed, 12 Dec 2007 01:06:00 +0000

Dear Tinkerbell,

So, did you hear the news? I am a total hero...and much hotter than any of the heroes on NBC (eat that, stupid cheerleader). I was chilling at Cameo for the Beacher's Madhouse show and everyone was getting pretty crazy. So, amidst all the pushing and shoving, an Oompa Loompa (you know...those orange midgets with the green hair) got shoved into the stage and cut his whole leg wide open! It wasn't that big of a cut but when your leg is only, like, 6 inches long, any size cut is a big deal. So, anyway, I totally saved his life. I hit Lindsay in the face with my new Fendi, told everyone to back the F up, put that little guy under my arm and ran him out to the sidewalk to wait for an ambulance...or cab. Ok, so hitting Lindsay in the face was more for me than for the Oompa Loompa but whatev.

So anyway, long story short, the little midge got stitches in his leg and is on the mend and the whole little tribe of them are so grateful that they've made me, like, their queen or something. All hail me, bitches.

Oompa Loompas are SO hot right now. If the Humane Society wasn't all up in my grill about having too many pets, I would totally keep him. Maybe I'll get Nicky one for Christmas!

For those with PhotoCrank

For the haters that don't

Tis the Season, Bitches

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Mon, 10 Dec 2007 22:46:00 +0000

Dear Tinkerbell,

I'm back, bitch. I just spent an entire week in bed with Alex. Purrr...he's so hot...almost as hot as me.

And, despite recent blasphemous reports, I do not at all care about Stavros' ever-changing string of JV trailer skanks nor will I ever return to Mokai...not because they asked me not to, but because they are effing lame.

On a more festive note, we need to start thinking about Christmas cards...

For those with PhotoCrank

For the haters that don't

What do you think? Ha!
Also, we should also spend the week figuring out what we're getting everyone for Christmas...did we get Tara Reid a bottle of Rumplemintz and a box of Trojans last year or the year before? Oh well...it doesn't matter...that girl can never have too much of either. Start brainstorming!

Retarded Country Bumpkin is Hungary for French Turkey

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Sat, 01 Dec 2007 22:08:00 +0000

Dear Tinkerbell,

Good God. Who let Kelly Pickler out in public? I guess the American Idol alum is one of the map-challenged Americans Miss Teen South Carolina was so concerned about.

She definitely took some heat on American Idol when she couldn't pronouce "salmon". And then again when she didn't know what calamari was. But this? This is a new level of retarded (which, incidently, she thought meant to be tarded twice). How those kids kept a straight face is beyond me. What a role model. That country bumpkin needs to get her learn on before she's allowed back in the public eye. For her own good and the sake of those around her.

For those with PhotoCrank

For the haters that don't

Ignorantredneck says what?

Emily Post Just Shit a Brick while Rolling Over in her Grave

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Thu, 29 Nov 2007 20:43:00 +0000

Dear Tinkerbell,

Le sigh. Whatever happened to modesty? Good taste? The demure woman? I happened to catch a glimpse of December’s Maria Claire at the drugstore this morning and almost dropped my entire basket of condoms and cigarettes! Big ol’ preggo X-tina Aguilera is baring some ginormous T&A for us all. If you listen very carefully, you can actually hear the world’s collective dry-heave.

I know some people think that the pregnant woman’s body is beautiful and whatever but, honestly, save it for your husband. I have seen way too many women posing knocked-up and naked on magazine covers. Lord knows what these mothers are going to teach their impending children about “showing too much skin”. Ew, and X-tina’s photo spread reminds me way too much of that sculpture of Britney Spears giving birth on a bear skin rug. [shudder] And all this before coffee! It’s enough to put young girls everywhere off pregnancy for good.

What these women need to realize is that it is sexier to leave a little to the imagination…

…and that only skinny girls look hot when naked.

For those with PhotoCrank.

For the haters that don't.

Model Parent Orders Chinese Take-Out

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Wed, 28 Nov 2007 14:53:00 +0000

Dear Tinkerbell,

Omg, I am SO upset…apparently, Britney is in the process of adopting a pair of Chinese twins! That was so MY idea!!! I totally picked up a couple of Chinese babies when I was in China for the MTV Style Awards last week but, unfortunately for me, the stupid airline wouldn’t let me check them and I was not about to put them in the overhead compartment (I wouldn’t want them to get jostled around too much). So I left them in the cab and fully intended to order a few online as soon as I got home…and then I find out that that fat, greasy, unhinged piece of trailer-trash has stolen my thunder!

I'm so hurt and confused. Why would she steal my idea? Maybe she's bored...or lonely...or maybe this is some sort of last ditch effort since that dark realization that her poonany is overexposed and has been subsequently blacklisted? And what is even more confusing is who would allow this to go down? Now, I have always been a fan of the Chinese. They have always been very kind to me, they give killer manicures and I owe half the running stitches in my wardrobe to their kids. But I really have to say that I find this all to be extremely appalling. I find it incredible that the Chinese government would ever willingly agree to give more babies to that coked-up mental patient when our government won’t even let her have her own!

Screw this. She is going down. Hmmm…maybe I’ll have my lawyer contact K-Fed to see if he’d let me adopt Sean Preston and Jayden James! That’ll teach that little deep fried celebutard to mess with me!

For those with PhotoCrank.

For the haters that don't.

Whatev.

Time to Get Creative, Bitches

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Tue, 27 Nov 2007 21:00:00 +0000

Dear Tinkerbell,

Caption contests are so hot right now and, as I love to ride the crest of the newest and hottest, I'm to going host one right here. People can add text and graphics to this cute picture of L-Lo by clicking the blue button at the bottom. Then we can get the funniest one printed up and we'll paper Lindsay's rehab facility with it...or prison ward...I guess we'll just have to wait and see where she is when the contest is over.

Hot and Spicy

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Tue, 27 Nov 2007 14:56:00 +0000

Dear Tinkerbell,

Beauty pageants are so much more fun than they used to be! I think the whole business started to improve last year when Miss USA, Tara Conner, was dethroned for underage drinking and blow-use and was then sent off to rehab (which, incidentally, may have sparked the entire 2006/2007 rehab trend). Like most public spectacles, it really wasn’t that big of a deal. I mean, what teenage girl doesn’t drink and do coke? Hell, I was doing jägerbombs and snorting lines off Nikki’s Barbie dolls when I was in the fourth grade.

And then, earlier this year, Miss Teen South Carolina, Lauren Caitlin Upton, was ridiculed for months after vocalizing her concern for the poor, ignorant, "mapless" people in our great nation (as well as others, from the sound of it).

I actually don’t know why people were so hard on her. Her answer makes sense to me…how can you locate America on a map if you don’t have a map? Hello?!? Ugh…the poor girl...I think AC Slater was even laughing at her. Speaking of which, I wonder what AC Slater was doing there…

Anyway…and now, the latest in the series of scandelicious beauty pageant incidences that have captured what remains of my attention deficit…during the Miss Puerto Rico pageant, contestant Ingrid Marie Rivera applied her makeup and put on her gown only to find out that it had been laced with pepper spray!! Hahahaha! She had to strut her stuff, answer questions and shake her ass in front of everyone all while itchy, swollen and covered in hives! And then, if this isn’t all bad enough, someone stole her purse while she was on stage! HAHAHAHA!

For those with PhotoCrank.

For the haters that don't.

I guess they like ‘em hot and spicy down there because, and this is totally unbelievable, SHE WON! Our peppery Puerto Rican went from a sweaty, itchy, bloated, rash-enveloped pageant hopeful to the new sweaty, itchy, bloated, rash-enveloped Miss Puerto Rico!

Hahaha…when did pageants become so fun? I would have kept at ‘em if I had known you could pull shizz like this!