Events 1on1

9 Year Old Scores Greatest Icehockey Goal

2009-11-08T15:01:00.004+02:00

Think You Have Rhythm

2009-11-07T08:45:00.004+02:00

Sreenwriters

2009-10-26T15:24:00.003+02:00

Making a Baby

2009-10-26T09:57:00.000+02:00

Making a baby. This is hilarious!

There is not one dirty word in it, and it is funny.

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, "Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon."

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning, Ma'am", he said, "I've come to..."

"Oh, no need to explain," Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, "I've been expecting you."

"Have you really?" said the photographer. "Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?"

"Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat".

After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"

"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there."

"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!"

"Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."

"My, that's a lot!", gasped Mrs. Smith.

"Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that."

"Don't I know it," said Mrs. Smith quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus," he said.

"Oh, my God!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

"And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with."

"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.

"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look"

"Four and five deep?" said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.

"Yes", the photographer replied. "And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in."

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?"

"It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away."

"Tripod?"

"Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long."

Mrs. Smith fainted

Then to Now

2009-10-25T17:54:00.002+02:00

The 5 Best Sentences

2009-10-23T07:21:00.001+02:00

These are possibly the 5 best

sentences you'll ever read. This is one paragraph that

should be in every book in every school room in every

city in every state in our great Union ... Our

educators should make a lesson plan on this one statement

and instill these words in the minds of all students.

"You cannot legislate the poor
into prosperity by legislating the wealthy out
of prosperity.

What one person receives without
working for, another person must work for without
receiving..

The government cannot give
to anybody anything that the government does
not first take from somebody else.

When half of the people get the
idea that they do not have to work because the
other half is going to take care of them, and when the
other half gets the idea that it does no good
to work because somebody else is going to get
what they work for, that my dear friend, is the beginning
of the end of any nation..

You cannot multiply wealth by
dividing it."

Ideas Worth Spreading

2009-10-14T12:10:00.003+02:00

Ideas worth spreading

Men Get Stronger with Age

2009-10-12T12:56:00.003+02:00

Two old retired Marines, that hung around a service type bar, down around the post gate were really drunk havin’ spent most of the day there.telling each other stories about the world and the corp.

One said, “Ya know Joe, when I first joined upm, i was about 20 and whenever I got an erection, I couldn’t bend it even if I using both hands.

By the time I was 30, I could bend it about 10 degrees if I tried really hard.

By the time I was 40 and had made Master/sargeant, I could bend it about 20 degrees, not a problem.

I’m gonna be 50 next week, and now I can almost bend it in half with just one hand.”

“So”, says Joe, “What’s your point?”

“Well, I’m just wondering how much stronger I’m gonna get!”

******************
Pan handling works if you have the correct sign

Jose and Carlos are panhandling at the freeway off ramp.
Jose drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage free house and has a lot of money to spend.
Carlos only brings in 2 to 3 dollars a day.
Carlos asks Jose how he can bring home a suitcase full of $10 bills every day.
Jose says, “Look at your sign.” It reads: “I have no work, a wife & 6 kids to support”
Carlos looks at Jose’s sign.
It reads: “I only need another $10.00 to move back to Mexico

Golf Ball

2009-10-12T12:52:00.003+02:00

Golf ball: Be careful how you “phrase” things………..

A man staggered into a hospital with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes, and a five-iron wrapped tightly around his throat.

Naturally, the Doctor asked him, “What happened to you?”

Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a cow pasture.

We went to look for them and while I was looking around, I noticed one of the cows had something white in its rear end.”

I walked over, lifted its tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife’s monogram on it – stuck right in the middle of the cow’s butt.” “Still holding the cow’s tail up, I yelled to my wife, “Hey, this looks like yours!”

I don’t remember much after that…”

Go Fly a Kite

2009-10-12T12:52:00.000+02:00

A husband in his back yard is trying to fly a kite. He throws the kite up in the air, the wind catches it for a few seconds, then it comes
crashing back down to earth. He tries this a few more times with no success.

All the while, his wife is watching from the kitchen window, muttering to herself how men need to be told how to do everything.
She opens the window and yells to her husband, “You need a piece of tail.”

The man turns with a confused look on his face and says, “Make up your mind.
Last night, you told me to go fly a kite…

Laught a Bit

2009-10-12T12:46:00.004+02:00

A lovely young Christian-school teacher of unsullied virtue was invited to go for a ride in the country with the gym instructor, who she admired. Under a tree on the bank of a quiet lake, she struggled with her conscience and with the gym instructor and finally gave in to the latter.

Sobbing uncontrollably, she asked her seducer, “How can I ever face my students, knowing I have sinned twice?”

“Twice?” asked the young man, somewhat confused.

“Why, yes,” said the sweet teacher, wiping a tear from her eye. “We’re going to do it again, aren’t we?”

Danny MacAskill's Biking Video

2009-10-12T11:43:00.003+02:00

This guy Danny MacAskill's biking video is amazing!!!

Motorcycle Officer

2009-07-05T22:41:00.003+02:00

A motorcycle officer stops a man for running a red light. The guy is a
real jerk and comes running back to the motor officer. The violator
demands to know why he is being harassed by the Gestapo! So the officer
calmly tells him of the red light violation.

The “Motorist” instantly goes on a tirade, questioning the officer’s
ancestry, sexual orientation, etc., in rather explicit terms. The
officer, being a professional, takes it all in stride, figuring
“battleship mouth and rowboat ass”.

The tirade goes on without the cop saying anything. When he gets done
with writing the citation he puts an “AH” in the lower right corner of
the narrative portion of the citation. He then hands it to the
“Violator” for his signature.

The guy signs the cite angrily, tearing the paper, and when presented
his copy points to the “AH” and demands to know what it stands for.

The officer then removes his mirrored sunglasses, gets in the middle of
the guy’s face and said, “That’s so when we go to court, I’ll remember
you’re an asshole!”

Three months later they are in court. The “Violator” has such a bad
record he is about to lose his license and has hired an attorney to
represent him.

On the stand the officer testifies to seeing the man run the red light.
Under cross-examination, the defense attorney asks, “Officer, is this a
reasonable facsimile of the citation you issued my client?”

Officer responds, “Yes sir, this is the defendant’s copy, his signature
and mine, same number at the top.”

Attorney: “Officer, is there any particular marking or notation on this
violation you don’t normally make?”

Officer: “Yes sir, in the lower right corner of the narrative there is
an ‘AH’, underlined.”

Attorney: “What does the AH stand for, officer?”

Officer? “Aggressive and Hostile, Sir.”

Attorney: “Aggressive and hostile?”

Officer: “Yes, Sir?”

Attorney: “Officer, are you sure it doesn’t stand for Asshole?”

Officer: “Well, Sir, you know your client better than I do!”

*********************

Raw Video: OH police officers kissing in cruiser

2009-07-03T10:02:00.000+02:00

Obama Girl Tackles Obama

2009-07-02T11:04:00.000+02:00

SNTV - Grandma gets tasered

2009-07-01T11:57:00.001+02:00

Dogs of all shapes and sizes compete in the 4th annual Bay dog surfing championship

2009-07-01T10:35:00.001+02:00