Every Day is Easter in My Closet

Women, Why Do You MAKE Things so Complicated?

2012-02-10T10:16:00.000-07:00

Okay, you know what bothers me?

Girls that make their life complicated. They MAKE it complicated. It isn't. It doesn't have to be.

But for some girls, there is just this insatiable desire for complication. It's like they have a free plane ticket across the country but would rather...ride a giant sloth (sorry, still thinking about Kristen Bell).

Exhibit A (this is going to be the only exhibit needed to prove this case):

You go out with a girl and have an awesome first date. She says she wants to go out again and even sends a post-date text that is very sweet. (You later google it to find out that she got the exact verbiage from a post date website--but that is besides the point (wait, but besides the besides the point--who googles texts? okay, both in that account are weird, but we are just in the pre-amble--bare with me))

You wait the prescribed 2 days and then call her on day #3. After some small talk about how "C-RAZY things have been" (even though you saw her at the tanning salon, her daddy doesn't make her work and she is only taking 6 credits) you break into next steps.

boy: Hey, want to go out this weekend?

girl: yeah, what day?

boy: Friday?

girl: Busy.

boy: Sat?

girl: Busy then too.

boy: Busy this weekend?

girl: Yeah.

boy: Then why did you--

girl: Let's go out next week.

boy: Okay, you pick a day.

girl: What about Thursday?

boy: Ummmmm...I think that can work. I don't usually plan that far in--

girl: Oh sorry! I can't do Thursday.

boy Wait but you were the one--

girl: Well, hey, I've actually got to go right now, my...[awkwardly searching for word] "friend" is coming over right now.

boy: "Friend"...eh?

girl: Well, you know. It's complicated.

boy: So are you.

girl: What?

boy: ....

This happens more than you would think. Look, ladies...we are big boys. Just tell us you aren't interested if you aren't. If you are--make it easier on us. You may have (want) drama in you life, but this show is Days of YOUR Lives. Why would you even ask what day if you knew you were busy? Why would you take so long to say the word "friend" unless you were looking to stir the pot? Why do you have to go and make things so complicated? (...shoot, that just came out. I promised I would never use and Avril Lavigne song in my blog posts. Darn you Carson Daly and your dynamic hosting of TRL.)

Oh and if you do have some really "complicated" things going on, maybe you should figure that out first. Because last time I checked, this isn't some Southwest flight--baggage does not fly free.

My Most Romantic Kiss Ever -- The Kissing Cosmos: Part 3

2012-01-31T08:46:00.000-07:00

I was 18--just a kid with a big dream backpacking through Europe with two buddies.

We ended up in the Italian Riviera in the costal towns of Cinque Terre. It was breathtaking.

The first night, while walking on the beach, we bumped into a group of young Italians where I met this girl who was simply stunning (+2, although that was too easy). We hung out for the next two days. Laughing while trying to understand each other, eating gelato and strolling around the villages. On my last night there, she told me to meet her on the beach.

As I approached the appropriate (a)place (that was an Italian accent, so +2.5), I heard soft love ballads playing and saw an array of candles surrounding a gently tossed blanket resting slightly in front of the encroaching tide. The sky above lit the surrounding scene with starlight as as distant Mediterranean lighting storm softly silhouetted (+3) an old stone lighthouse on the near horizon. And there, under the watchful eye of lady luck, I was without choice.

I couldn't not kiss her.

And just as I was trying to figure out which way to turn my head (I've since learned it is ALWYAS right for the first kiss), BOOM! She went in for it and laid one on me.

[Ladies read here] It was magical.

[Fellas read here] It was (deep voice) sweeeeeeEEEEEEEEeeeeet!

The next morning she met me outside and walked me to my train where we kissed one last time before I stepped on board amidst the conductor yelling in Italian "All aboard!" I opened the window and touched her hand as the train slowly pulled out of the station. She ran along side of the train until the end of the platform and as I went speeding off into the distance I knew that while I might not have gotten a varsity jacket in high school (I got my first letter end of my senior year), I had a story to make my father proud.

This was the kind of stuff that you can't write about (except for every classic love movie, book, poem....and this blog post. Okay, I take that back). This was the kind of stuff that you HAVE to write about. It was exactly how I envision the Epstein Twin's saw what a kiss should be.

So there, at 18, with my 4 words of Italian and her 100 or so words of English, I learned a lesson that I first heard in 1989:

Cuties vs. Creepers (PROJECTION...again!)

2012-01-27T14:03:00.007-07:00

Thanks to my man, BMoore for showing me this. I may not have glasses as cool as him, but we still see things eye to eye. (Check him out...he's single.) (he asked for the first I demanded the second)

"I'm Not Shallow....You're Ugly"

2012-01-27T09:04:00.000-07:00

I was hiking the grand canyon in 2004 and had an opportunity to go off the beaten trail to Havasupai. It was 4 miles off the course we were on and I was already hot and tired. I didn't want to go. I had seen waterfalls and knew it wouldn't be worth the time. A friend encourage me to go anyways, and I remember standing in front of that sign with a fork in the trail wondering which way to go. Havasupai or getting to camp early?

---

Those who know me, know me well.

It is no secret that I can be pretty shallow, but I've been thinking lately about why it is so easy to be shallow.

I know that the personality is the premier paradigm of paradise on earth (+4); yet I find myself not dating girls because I don't feel that immediate physical attraction.

Then, with the help of some friends I realized why.

Projection.

It is that simple. I project. You project too.

Imagine with me fellas...you walk into a party and see a beautiful girl. Within seconds, you see her as nice, sweet, caring, strong and compassionate. But whoah--you never even talked with her!

And ladies...a guy is chivalrous, thoughtful, considerate and talented--but you call him a "creeper" because he isn't good looking. Even though the only real interaction you've personally had with him was that one time he brought you cookies (that were pretty good, at that).

You projected.

We make attractive people better and unattractive people worse by imagining who they are because that is what we WANT them to be. We don't give ourselves a chance to get to know them because, quite frankly, we don't want to get to know them. I mean who doesn't want to be with an attractive person and who wants to be with an unattractive person?

Maybe the process of maturation with attraction is the ability to understand that in 5 years when one kid is sick and the wife has diarrhea and you just lost a big client...what will matter then? the hourglass figure? the perfect complexion? the great legs? or the deep and abiding testimony? the resilient attitude? the positive outlook?

---

I took the road less traveled by that day and went to Havasupai. What I found was one of the most beautiful sites in the entire world. The memory can still bring tears to my eyes when I think about the crystal reflecting pool, small cavern behind the waterfall and the dancing sunlight illuminating a nest of newborn birds. It really did make all the difference.

So thank you to my friends who encourage me to take the time to veer back on course, which often times for me, seems to be off the beaten trail.

Lips and Movies -- The Kissing Cosmos: Part 2

2012-01-24T08:58:00.001-07:00

We've all gotten (sent) this text at 11pm: "Hey...you up?"
Inevitably, the response, "Ya. whatsup?"
"Come over! Let's watch a movie!"

I don't care who you are, you don't get that text and NOT know what's going down. So let me say two things on this sad subsequent-sunset situation (a stretch, so i'll give it 3.5...judges? *BZZZ* Dang!).

First of all, I DO NOT UNDERSTAND MAKING OUT DURING MOVIES! The only movie I have kissed a girl was Ben-Hur and that is only because you can go 20 minutes kissing and not miss much and plus, it was the second time i had seen it that summer (it was kind of a boring summer, don't hate). If I want to watch a movie, I put in a movie. If i want to kiss, i put the car in park. Very simple.

If you can kiss ANYtime, why pay money for it?

Now, a movie CAN be a great way if you are too chicken liver to break the physical barrier with a hand hold or cuddle; but I don't want your greasy butter lips all up in my grill when I'm trying trying to use my Droid to wikipedia someone's name while watching Midnight in Paris to see if I actually got the joke.

The second thing I want to say about movies and lips is, I DO NOT UNDERSTAND CHITCHAT DURING MOVIES! Holy cow, people! Okay, an original observation, a quick question, a cute comment (+6 combo boom!)--but to ask me my political views during the opening scene of The Ring doesn't work. The opening scenes are CRITICAL.

I was on a movie date with a girl that seriously was just talking and talking and talking and talking. And she was asking me all sorts of questions. I mean, I appreciate her trying to get to know me and I was interested in what she was saying, but here's a little get to know me moment: I don't like talking during movies. Let's have that be the first question if you are a movie-chatter.

About the 20th question, she goes, "So...what is your favorite movie?"

I look at her and said, "well...it might be this one. How about we find out?"

A little rude, and I'm sorry...but the real joke is on me. She is married with 2 kids and I'm....well blogging about her.

Anyways...so in my opinion, the lips should be used sparingly during the movies. Who knows, maybe if you actually watch a movie, you can find new ways to kiss.

p.s. Just to let you know, even when kissing, water obeys gravity and will go up your nose if you try the spiderman kiss.

Why You Should NOT Take People's Advice in Dating

2012-01-20T09:05:00.000-07:00

My buddy was telling this girl, with whom i was flirting, about my blog (never a good idea, I've come to realize...unless you are my buddy trying to pick up on the girl i'm...wait a second....BLAST! Foiled again by a wingman!), and he said he is a devoted reader. She asked if he was dating anyone and he replied, 'No, but I'm following this guy's every word of advice [overly awkward thumb point towards me], so I know I'm on the right path.'

I looked at him...

in disgust.

And not just because of the superfluous gesticulations, but let me tell you my friends, if you are taking "every word of advice" on this blog or from anyone else, you are nowhere near the right path (unless that path is the well trodden dirt road leading to the rope swing of loneliness...in which case, keep going straight until you hit the Squaw Peak parking lot and then hand right at the frozen yogurt shop on every block and then look kitty corner from the hot tub I live in--that's where it begins).

And while, there are some gems of wisdom that your trusted dating advisors will tell you, 1 out of 1 dating doctors will tell you these two pieces of advice: you are not them and they are not you.

You are not them: Their story, their situation and their happily (n)ever after are uniquely theirs. True love is like a snowflake because (...it dies when it touches me) each one is different than any other. So take their advice with a grain of snow melt. And realize that, while for them, the proverbial 'symbol' of love worked like a charm, it might produce adverse affects if attempted to duplicate.

They are not you: here is the truth I have come to realize in my meaning(full/less (this is a choose your own adjective adventure sentence)) meanderings (+3) through dating is that eventually, the other person is going to have to get to know you. The more advice you take, the less they are dating you, but rather a conglomerate of the bits of advice you have gotten from everyone else. Just be yourself. If they like you, they will realize it faster; if they don't, you will get over it faster.

So take advice, but take it in doses and take only when needed. And THAT advice is OTC (off the chain)!

Top 10 Signs of a Bad Kiss -- The Kissing Cosmos: Part 1

2012-01-16T09:33:00.000-07:00

To kick off the Kissing Cosmos: A Personal Voyage, I thought I would share a list of all the girls I've kissed. Then realizing it would be a surprisingly (short/long/average) list, I just decided to look at some of the bad kisses I've had and share their reasons.

We've all been one character in this scene (maybe some both...?): boy and girl at doorstep. Slightly forced conversation, a hug that lingers too long, they look into each other's eyes...but no, the guy chickens out and goes back in for another hug again repeating, "No, but it REALLY was a great time tonight." Pulls back again with hands on the small of her back while pulling the girl close. FINALLY, he goes in and lays one on her.

...but something just went wrong.

Terribly wrong.

You back up try to play it off like you would passing gas in an elevator and blame it on the other person, but you're not sure if they even knew it was a bad kiss.

Well, let me share with you the top 10 Signs of a Bad Kiss. Please feel free to add in the comments.

10. She pats on back and says "Oh, bless you" as she looks at you like she would a sad puppy dog

9. The only post-kiss conversation has to do with the weird noise that happened while you kissed

8. She just laughs

7. She says, "Well, I guess that was it."

6. You call her by the name of your ex girlfriend from 2 years earlier while kissing

5. She pulls away really fast and asks, "Hey, are you hungry?"

4. She pulls away really slowly and asks, "Hey, can you not do that circle thing?"

3. The only thing you can think about while kissing her is your grandad drinking eggnog

2. You miss and clank teeth

And the way tot tell if it was the worst kiss ever is if right after you kiss she says, "So....just to let you know. I'm going to still be dating other people."

And as for telling if it was a good kiss....oh, my friend, you'll know. You will most certainly know.

Introduction to The Kissing Cosmos Series

2012-01-12T10:15:00.000-07:00

I've been thinking a lot about kissing lately (always), and figure it is time to do a kissing series. I take my title from the 1980's hit, hosted (+1.5 for punctuation) by the most romantic man that ever was: Carl Sagan. (I'm assuming if my google analytics (dating life) is descriptive of my readers, you will have to do more research on who exactly, Carl Sagan is. For more info on him, please click here. No really, please...just click it. What...? Yes you can trust me! You did when you told me not to write about you on this blog on that date....okay fine, bad example. But THIS time you can trust me!)

I will share some romantic, embarrassing and (...well that's about it) stories about kissing.

So cozy up, put that popcorn bowl away from between us and let's share that micro-fiber blanket--because the Easter Closet is about to get cuddly as I delve into the Kissing Cosmos: A Personal Voyage.

6 Ways to Know You are "Her Straight Gay Best Friend"

2012-01-10T08:31:00.002-07:00

I was trying to date this girl. I had tried the year before, and, in fact, the year before. So third time is a charm(ing disaster), right?

It was actually our fourth date in a week and a half. But like real dates. No croquet in the park with glowstick gates, no s'mores inside the car (a really fun date if you want to know how to do that), no just-add-girl date....but real great get-to-know you dates.

I thought things were going okay, but not so sure because she wasn't being as physical as I thought she would be. Not that a girl needs to make out with me on the first date (not like she doesn't NOT need to as well...but that's another post), but there was no forearm touch with head tossed back in slightly superflous (+2) laughter, no leg graze with an eye gaze, not even an extended hand grab to get my attention.

Then, the moment she opened the door for our fourth date it hit me like a ton of multi-colored bricks: we weren't dating.

I was her straight gay best friend.

'Zack,' my friends will say, 'come on now. How could you tell that from just looking at her?'

The giveaway: she was wearing crocks.

I mean crocks.

On a date.

CROCKS?!?!?!

The times it is okay to wear crocks: gardening, showering in a third world country...............and that's about it.

When she threw on a wrinkled collared shirt, I really couldn't keep it in anymore. I looked at her crocks and apparently was not very good at holding back my expression.

"What's wrong?" she probed.

"Ummm, did you just want to go to the drive-through?"

She started to laugh. I awkwardly chuckled....still waiting for a response.

Although I tried to ask her out again just in case, she declined, realizing my intentions were not to go shopping with her.

So here are some ways you can know if you are dating or just a straight gay best friend:

If she wears crocks
If she invites you to pick out jeans with her
If she asks you to bring her Cherry Garcia ice cream
If she asks you if you want to watch any Nicolas Sparks book turned movie
If she says, 'We should get pedis!'
If she asks you for guy advice.

MEN--If you are in the straight gay best friend zone...don't worry, it isn't a shot at your masculinity, but an assertion that you will get along well with your future wife.

WOMEN--If you have put a guy in the straight gay best friend zone...hate to break it to you, but you are a terrible person. (okay, you're not a terrible person, but you are wasting a lot of guys' time. He doesn't want to be friends with you even if he thinks he wants to be friends with you. No one likes being just friends with their crush--oh, and that 'one guy' isn't the exception.)

Now, if you are a gay guy, would you PLEASE set up your straight guy friends? You have so many hot girl friends.

A Challenge for You this Christmas Season

2011-12-24T10:25:00.002-07:00

We interrupt this blog to bring you an important message about the season.

Like many of you, I am Christian; I am Mormon. Christmas is a special time when the lights, the presents, the cards, the bells, the colors all point to the singular star that should ceaselessly sit atop of all our life's priority tree: Christ.

And so, as the hours of Christmas ticks from tomorrow to today to a memory and we will be given another 364 days of anticipation, I hope that we will think of what gift giving means to us. Not the bows of toys or golf green potty putters (don't tell my dad)...but the gift of our hearts.

To whom will we give our heart this year?

Above all else, might I suggest giving a little more this year to Christ? For that is the gift He asks that will unlock His eternal gift.

If you will take some time this week--maybe while taking out the trash, or maybe getting the mail after the sun goes down or taking out your parents' yappy dogs for an evening stroll--I would challenge you to look up at the stars, if just for a moment. (I find so much of the cares and worries of the world are melted away by the crisp sight of starlight.) There, under the stars, give at least a passing thought to your life, your heart and your goals. I promise it will be the best gift to yourself this week.

Maybe you will be looking at the same star announcing Christ's birth. But if not, know that by gazing into the stars and pondering that which rests beyond them, you are in good company. For wise men still seek Him.

Merry Christmas! Happy holidays too...but most of all, merry Christmas.

Cool or Clingy – The Copious Balance

2011-12-20T12:41:00.001-07:00

My friend asked me for some advice, and so I told him to turn it to you guys. What do you think?

Where is the line between “I like you” and “I-like-everything-about-you-even-how-you-brush-your-teeth-and-can-I-watch-you-floss-this-time”…?

I started dating this girl and imagine my surprise when it actually worked out! She actually liked me back and what-not and our relationship had a legitimate future. I’ve always seen myself as a great at going on dates, but I quickly realized I have no idea how to “date someone.”

I didn’t ever realize how unrelated the two are. In one you just have to keep her entertained long enough to decide whether or not you want to ask her out again. The other involves making sure she stays interested on a semi-permanent level.

This begs my question: How much attention is just right? (Where’s Goldi-Locks when you need her!) [Editor’s Note: Okay, so I didn’t get this when I first read it, but trust me, it is funny, read it again.]

I am someone who falls hard, probably to a fault and I know it. I generally get ahead of myself and make things weird for the girl I am dating, or trying to rather. But clearly this time I played my cards right. She likes me. Now my problem is I have no idea what to do next.

Everyone knows that one too many winky face emoticons can be the fatal blow to any budding romance. So not that you, the general public, are my final hope in terms of love advice, but I am looking for answers from every outlet.

In your experiences what has been the right amount of attention? Obviously every situation is different so here’s the prompt for help:

Guys: how could you tell/decide how much attention to give her?
Girls: what kinds of signals do you send to tell us how much attention to give?

Save me from a fate similar to our cartoon friend’s…

5 Question Quiz to Know if You are Over Them Yet

2011-12-13T09:09:00.001-07:00

We've all been there.

You almost wish it would have ended badly, just so you can have a good reason to get over them!

Maybe she was texting an ex boyfriend all the time, maybe he hooked up with some girl at a random party, maybe she accidentally sent a text to you that was supposed to go to her roommate saying she was sick of your jokes, maybe he accidentally sent you an email that was supposed to go to his old crush saying that he thought you were fat and misses her. I mean SOMETHING. At least with those situations, it is easy to get over someone. (at least I think I'm funny, Jen...hope you fixed those contacts in your phone, btw.)

But what about when something just...ends?

You have nothing you can say bad about the other person and in fact, you still respect them a lot and really care about them. I mean, how can you blame someone for not liking you? It just...happens. (to some more than others...but let's not bust out the Cherry Garcia quite yet.) And, how can you blame yourself for not being able to get over them quickly? It just...takes time.

But how much?

I depends. But I can promise, after 32 crushes that have ended cordially, I know that as many times as hearts break, they mend.

So how do you know if you are over someone? Ask yourself these 5 questions:

What do you feel when you stalk them on Facebook? (because heaven (and hell) (and Mark Zucksters) know that you STILL stalk them.) Once you can see them in pictures with someone else and can be genuinely happy for them, you might just be over them.
What do you do when you see them at a party (that you go to just because you saw they responded "Attending" on Facebook)? If you can go and not try to not try to not impress them, you might just be over them.
What do you think about when you drive by their house? (3x a week still..?? That is a bit much.) If you think of the girl that is in the car, you might just be over them.
What do you think about when you are kissing someone else? (First of all, go kiss someone else. But know this: random rebound romance (+3) is like NyQuil--it only helps the symptoms...but at least you'll sleep better (or maybe not--depending...)) If you are only thinking of the lips that are on yours, you might just be over them.
What do you feel when you hear 'your song'? (Good tip for this one, make it your song with someone else. Works like a charm.) If you are only thinking of how hot T-Swift is during that Love Story music video (because i KNOW that is your song), you might just be over them.

Hopefully this quiz can help you as it has me. The other day I was doing a little Facebook stalking of an ex and saw her profile pic with another guy. And ya know what...the love that I felt to her, all-of-a-sudden transformed into gratitude for our time together, an understanding that she is happy and a comfort to know that I am too. It was like hearing "President Mitt Romney"...music to my heart.

I know it is tough to get over someone, but part of getting over them is having a benchmark to really know that you have arrived and know how much time you needed.

Now, if you are not over them yet, you only need one thing: a little more time...with my two friends, Ben & Jerry.

A Letter to All Boys that Think Girls Play Too Hard to Get

2011-12-08T09:54:00.003-07:00

Okay, so I got one of the best comments ever on my letter to girls that play too hard to get post and I want to share this as a guest post, something I've never done, but needs to happen. "Anonymous" finally said something useful. (I'm still trying to figure out who you are, by the way...At least now I know you're a girl. At least I hope you're a girl, or you've missed the whole point of this blog.)

My PRErebuttal (my turf, my rules) is that sometimes normal girls like to play "hard to get" to see if a guy is actually interested. But then she only becomes seriously interested after the guy looses interest. BUT he typically looses interest after he gets the girl, for the aforementioned reasons in my letter. That is a catch 44 (double catch 22). I HAVE dated "normal girls" who also play hard to get. The "fairytale," for me, thus far, hasn't been in the damsel in distress...just the happily ever after.

Here's the comment:

Dear Boys that Think We are Playing Too Hard to Get,

We really just aren't interested.

And we dont have to go through some elaborate scheme to try and attract you. Truth is we are just more attractive to you because we don't want you (and ALL of us are guilty for wanting what we can't have).

If you ask us out and we are interested we are going to say yes. It's simple. Some girls are psychologically insane and do the opposite, but hey, that's not the type of person you want anyways (the type with self destructive tendencies).

"Hard to Get" is not real. It's a made up fairy tale so you can believe that you're somewhat attractive and put yourself in the offense. We're not interested. Sorry. Someone else will be.

Move on.

Truthfully,
Normal girls

15 Winter Dating Ideas - GUEST POST by Chris Hupp

2011-12-05T22:13:00.001-07:00

My name is Chris Hupp and I am part of a dying breed of gentleman. A breed that continues to open the door and pull out the chair for a lady. I enjoy being spontaneous and creative on a date, and like Zack I'm fighting the battle against tools.

The debate still continues for guys everywhere of which side of the fence they will find themselves. As for me, my mother raised me on this thought: "A girl should be able to get from point A to point B without touching a thing."

Sadly enough more and more guys aren't keeping to this standard, which makes it difficult for everyone for two simple reasons:

1. Girls expect less from the standard guy so it seems like the guy who does practice this, is "nice" and trying too hard. In all reality he's doing what he is supposed to do.

2. Guys see that being cheap, hanging out, and not being thoughtful or creative works better in getting the girl so they continue to do it.

As much as I enjoy debating this topic, this wasn't my intention for this post. It is, however, to supplement the dying creativity our generation faces in dating in general but especially during the winter. I have created a list of 15 winter dating ideas that are fun and easy:
Outdoor:

Snow man, snow ball fight, snow forts, and snow angels
Ice blocking - but be careful, I have know this date to be dangerous at times.
Snow shoeing - a little less risky than ice blocking, but really fun with the right girl. Again this is not for every girl!
Sledding - have hot chocolate or something warm after. The girl no matter how fun she was having will not enjoy it as much if she is wet and cold.
Decorate a house or apartment together with stuff you found at the DI or Walmart

Indoor/Outdoor:

Caroling (to family, friends, strangers, or nursing home which in most cases fits strangers :)
12 days of Christmas - extend-a-date usually for someone a little more serious but not a necessity.
Go see the lights - Either at temple square or go for a drive through neighborhoods that seem to be more festive.

Indoor:

Make ornaments - Snowmen (or women), Christmas trees, Santa Clause, etc
Decorate sugar cookies or gingerbread men (again or women...)
Origami - Go to the nearest bookstore and bring paper!
Paper snow flakes
PJs Christmas story reading and hot chocolate - personal favorites of mine have been "Polar Express" and "Twas the Night Before Christmas."
Make dinner - this is a classic date, but more entertaining then just watching a movie or going out to dinner.
Make a blanket fort and have an indoor picnic or movie. (Your dinner and a movie date with a twist)

These are just a few fun and creative dates that will make your life a little easier this winter! Feel free to use any of them or adapt them to fit your needs. For more date ideas visit: ChrissNormalLife.blogspot.com.

A Letter to All Girls that Play Too Hard to Get

2011-12-01T21:10:00.000-07:00

Dear All Girls that Play Too Hard to Get,

Hi. I've been meaning to write this for a while, but wasn't quite sure what to say. I mean, how often do you write a letter to most women on behalf of most guys?

So let me start by saying, wow! Really, you are awesome and beautiful and fun and smart! You really are! You are quite the catch.

Let me continue by saying, ya know what...? We are too.

Let me ramble a bit by saying, we know you want some caveman Krull the Warrior King to go out of his cave hunt you down and bring you back victorious, but what you may be forgetting is that we too are looking (but with worse ADD). We too have other things going on and if you play too hard to get, we will loose interest because some other shiny object will come along. (Let's face it, how long do you see a dog chase one car for?)

Or worse than losing interest...we will catch you.

And then, in the clutches of our semi-appropriate spooning position with some romantic comedy playing in the background it will hit us--in all of the chasing, you gave us far too long too romanticize about who you are. Since we never got a chance to open up and have you do the same, we are in love with our perfectly perceived projection (+3) of you...not really you. And while you might be bethrown with your Bennybooboopedoo, we, on the other hand, realize that you ARE our cucumber sandwich and we just want poker night.

It is at this moment we start to realize how badly you treated us while we were pursuing. And in the end, somewhere between the credits and the home DVD screen, the decision is made that while we will continue to play your game, this victory will not be carried back to the cave.

So take this advice: if you like us, play nice; if you don't, no dice. Play coy, play intrigue play genuine...but don't play TOO hard.

For yeah, you are a catch; but there are a lot of fish in the sea. And sometimes, when we play your game, it turns into our game of catch and release.

Sincerely,

The Guys You Wish You Would Have Been With 10 Years from Now

p.s. Guys, I'm sure girls would say the same about us...I've just never gotten that far to know.

p.p.s. I know "bethrown" is not a word. But it seemed right at the time. Get over it.

p.p.p.s. YES, you do multiply the p's and NOT the s's when doing ps's. It is not a 'post script script!'

You CAN Run From Love...but You Shouldn't GUEST POST by Conner Tracy

2011-11-29T18:34:00.000-07:00

This picture will come up later...promise.

So I think I have been hanging out with Zack too long. I seem to have developed a knack for equally ridiculous/disappointing relationships. (Editor's note: I would just like to say that not EVERYthing in my dating life is "ridiculous/disappointing"...I have references if you don't believe me.)

I was recently in the throes of “love” with a great girl. I managed to become friends with her and she was awesome. Conman’s crush is conceived (+3). So I took her out on a quasi-date. It was simple and fun and I could tell real feelings were developing for me. But there’s a catch, she has serious career aspirations that are taking her back home in December, and likely out of the country by the end of March or so.

CRAP!!!

She says there’s a CHANCE she could stay, but it would literally take an act of God to change her plans.

Flash forward again, it has been a few weeks and after a few dates, we come to the conclusion: We like each other. The problem? She still plans to leave in like…four weeks.

We talk about it and here’s my pitch: Look babe, don’t think too far ahead. I just want to date you RIGHT NOW and see what happens. When four weeks come and go we can talk about the future. I mean, really--all this (motions to self) could be yours for the low price of just 4 easy payme…wait, sorry. Right, so really I told her just to think about it and we would talk in a few days. It felt a lot like trying to sell something.

Well if there’s one thing I’ve learned about sales it’s this: NEVER EVER let them think about it!! Get a commitment before they leave the table!!! (jk…sort of)

Her major concern was that, “If we date now, it would be great, but I am leaving. So it will only end up hurting more later when it’s over.”

It didn’t take long to realize there would be no convincing her. Her mind was set in stone, one probably shaped like the tombstone for our relationship. We agreed to just be friends, and I have nothing but positive things to say about her…almost.

So what’s the point? She was unwilling to gamble on the future. It is true it could end up hurting a lot later, but it could also have been fantastic. It could have ended a week later, or it might have gone the distance. What the future held for us, no one knows. I have made a goal to live life without regrets or “what ifs?” and so I tried my best.

The reality is we liked each other. We were good to together. We had good intentions. We had a lot going for us. And referencing back to a prior post, best friends don’t last forever. Relationships only go one way or the other, and with so much in our favor this was our shot.

She will be back in about two years, and I could wait, but for what? A CHANCE at what we MIGHT be?

Don’t bet on it.

After a healthy conversation with my good friend Jack Poates this is the conclusion I’ve come to: Love doesn’t play hide and seek. In love, hearts will be broken, yours’ and the people you date. That’s just the way it is. The whole key is to find someone who does just the opposite. That’s the key though YOU have to FIND them, and THEY have to FIND you. So gamble a little, go out on a limb, take a leap of faith and see if they’re the one to catch you.

You can run and hide from love…but you shouldn’t!

Besides how many people do you know who have fallen in love, and how many have been killed by an alligator? Take the safe bet (I know full well this last bit makes no sense but I had to tie SOMETHING to the picture).

Top 10 Things I'm Grateful for This Thanksgiving

2011-11-23T10:58:00.000-07:00

This Year, on this day of thanks, I'm grateful for so much. Here are 10 things I'm especially grateful

I'm grateful for Facebook picture sharing to get me so much more sympathy that I deserved for getting hit in the face with the picture above.
I'm grateful for blenders that make fruit and spinach not seem so crappy when you mix them in a delicious smoothie.
I'm grateful for robes to make me feel more naked when i go to the hot tub.
I'm grateful for hot tubs to give me a reason to wear my robe 4x/week.
I'm grateful for frozen yogurt to make bad first dates more bearable and appropriately short.
I'm grateful for the new Facebook sidebar so that I can find out that every 5 seconds a different friend is listening to a different song on Spotify. (What would my life be like without knowing which of my friends have song ADD?)
I'm grateful for delicious foods that don't have carbs (yummmmmm turkey on homemade rolls 5 hours after Thanksgiving dinner (...let me keep this dream, don't say ANYthing proving me wrong)).
I'm grateful for the GOP candidates for making Romney look so good by not looking like an idiot.
I'm grateful for girls that are nice for reminding me why I date.
But most of all, I'm grateful for friends who love me no matter how many dumb things I say on my blog.

For, as I always say, God gave us friends, that we might choose family.

So this Thanksgiving season, count your many blessings.

We are all truly blessed!

The BEST Date I've Ever Had

2011-11-22T09:00:00.001-07:00

It was a normal summer day. I was dating a girl. Not the "Zack Oates THINKS we dated" Facebook group sort of way, but like for reals.

We sent a few benign texts back and forth about a couple of funny occurrences that day and then decided to meet at a pizza shop for dinner at 8pm.

My departure time of 7:45 seemed to stretch on endlessly into the ticks of the library clock. Finally, our date had begun.

I got there early to make sure we have a table and so that she didn't have to wait in the lobby alone.

We sat down and got a pie (pepperoni, not pumpkin...I'm from Jersey) to share with a couple of root beers. We talked, laughed, held hands over the table, played footsies under the table, learned about our waiter's new son (and yes, it did work and he got extra tip...exploiter) and smiled at each other in silence.

Then we went back to her apartment and I helped her with homework (or rather sat there while she did it) until about 11:30 when she walked me to my car and was in bed by midnight.

That was it.

The best date I ever had.

Pizza. Homework. Done.

I've spent hundreds of dollars on a single date, had an evening listening to Boys 2 Men on the beaches of Italy, planned for weeks...but really, in the end, it's the company that makes a party. No trying, no games no calculation...just the right company.

One thing that I DO know about love is this: no matter how terrible things are going in life, if you have someone whom you love that loves you, deep down you know that everything will be okay.

The best date ever isn't about the DATE at all, it is about YOUR date.

Simplicity...I think.

2011-11-19T09:13:00.001-07:00

(Click play and then read this post. The video is kinda dumb, but the song is so raw and is my new favorite song!)

So I've been thinking a lot about my dating life and I realized something--I think about it too much.

In fact, I think that i think about it to a detriment.

I think that the song above is the perfect song to describe my inner monologue with myself finally. I know that true love will find me in the end and until then, I need to live my life by the precept of simplicity when it comes to dating.

So a few changes to do so:

I will be talking far less about my dating life to my friends (and quite frankly, strangers). So to the 1% who ask questions--you're welcome for giving you a reason to stop asking, my answers usually take too long. To the 99% who don't ask and hear anyways--you're just welcome. Now we'll all have to find something else with which to "occupy" our conversations.
I will be less critical on my blog. The more negativity I plant, the more negativity grows.
I will not be blogging about any girls that I'm dating anymore.
The biggest change: I'm not going to be so focused with dating. I date enough that I can hang out with girls too. I'm ready to just be friends. Because in the end, that is what really matters, does it not?

So there are the first changes to my (dating) life. I think they need to be done. So thank you in advance for your help in achieving these goals that will help true love find me in the end through simplicity...I think.

"Take a Break" and not "Breaking Up"?!?! BOOOO!

2011-11-17T08:21:00.001-07:00

My friend who was in the midsts of a "break" recently defined it very clearly: "it's like when you don't talk to each other. Unless you want to...i guess(?)."

People, people people-- what is this "break" mess all about? It is the worst state you can be in. You might break down when you break up...but to just "break.' TERRIBLE idea. One heart is aching while the other is stringing along. It seems odd to even call is "break." Maybe it's actually spelled "brake'...? (ya know what, for the purposes of this post, I'll try a few different spellings and see what fits best.)

It's like "gression" where it isn't pro- or re-...it just is.

I say if you are taking a brayk, give the person you are on a braik with more credit than just to tell them you need a brajck. Tell them why.

And not this, 'i'm not sure' crap or 'I prayed and don't feel right about it', but real reasons. (I have to say, I can't believe God is so interested in making my dating life miserable that He has told as many girls as have used the "prayer" excuse not to date me. I think there is enough He has to worry about than answering some half-hearted "What should I do?" prayer when the real question is "can I dump him yet?". But I digress(....only slightly.))

So in the end, take a breijk when you are ready to end it for good and don't just lead them on.

(And after reading this over...none of the spellings seem to fit. They all just seem so wrong...)

Chauvinism, Feminism and Chivalry--The Epic Struggle

2011-11-14T21:43:00.002-07:00

I've heard three comments lately on dates or during girl talk and would like to address them:

"Men are chauvinistic pigs."
"I'm a feminist."
"Chivalry is dead."

All three of those comments have something in common (besides the fact that they can all be said in one breath by a girl who would wear 1/2 length khaki shorts and socks with crocks...): they represent a bitter perception plaguing this population of self-perpetuated pity (+5). Women expect, men exploit and all are left with nothing but their lonely pride to keep them company.

Chauvinism is when guys need to compensate. For what? ...I'll let you decide.

Feminism is when girls victimize themselves. It is a cause that had its time in history and now we need to grow up.

I don't believe that men are better or women deserve more; I am not a chauvinist or a feminist--I am a humanist. I believe that we should have a healthy respect towards each other, regardless. I work with Courage to Hope and I'm accused of being a feminist, I comment on my dating life and I'm branded a chauvinist.

To me, this is what it comes down to: women have babies; men open doors.

Yes, men should open doors for women (and many do). And yes, men should also walk on the street-side of the side walk (and many don't know). And YES women should thank men for doing so. But let's all be REASONABLE.

I consider myself to be a pretty courteous person. I open a girl's car door getting in and let women go first and pay for meals. But when it comes down to it, I've been out with girls who won't get out of the car unless I open their door, have been offended for letting them go first and asked me on dates but didn't bring their wallets...AND the whole time never said 'thank you.' In all of those cases, I never even thought of a second date.

And there are those guys who don't understand how to be polite (maybe they weren't raised by an upper-crust abuela gone common). But let's realize that for the most part, they are either the exception or just exceptionally obtuse.

But when there is a mutual respect, it works. I dated a girl where we had that respect. She didn't expect and was grateful. I didn't exploit and was a gentleman. And (until she dumped me) it worked great.

So a final word to all you women-haters, man-eaters and self-embittered-victimizing-vindicators (2 points) who share your stemware filled with a 1963 malt served by a scantily clad waitress with your pirde....get over yourself. You are your own epic struggle.

6 Tips for Pursuing Women - GUEST POST by Bethany Coleman

2011-11-12T10:44:00.000-07:00

“That's what they should teach us here. How girls' brains work...It would be more useful than divination, anyway...”    -Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix

What you’re about to read is priceless, you know. Man has been hunting for this insider information since he was thrust out of the Garden of Eden.

Key things to keep in mind: women are about emotion. Women are about feelings. Women are about meaning, value, and significance.

For example, I have a friend (who introduced me to this blog, coincidentally) who recently went on a date with the boy who had been actively pursuing her roommate while the roommate was out of town for the weekend. (Background story: there wasn’t any established relationship between the boy/roommate at this time. They hadn’t kissed yet or anything. Also, the boy was a long time friend of my friend). Boy held girl’s hand. Girl thought “This means something. Holding hands is significant. He values me as a person and he must feel something for me.”
   Roommate came back from vacation, boy continued his pursuit, hardly acknowledging my friend as a person, let alone as someone he had used. (What a jerk. Let’s collect all those eggs from the closet and throw them in his general direction.)

   Next. Women want to be pursued (just don’t do it if you’re simultaneously pursuing their roommate. Or anyone else, for that matter. Polygamy ended in 1890, folks.) It’s this awful seesaw we play in the beginning of relationships or pre-beginning of relationships, and the whole thing became even more complicated when *“creeper” became a label. Honestly, all you have to follow is the Golden Rule. If you want her to talk to you at ward prayer, go talk to her. If you would want her to ask you out, ask her out. If you would want her to text you, text her. If you want her to like you, like her. There really isn’t anything wrong with showing you’re interested in someone. (And girls, please, for the love, if you know he likes you and you aren’t interested, just be honest. Men need blunt women.)
*about that. Being interested isn’t creepy. Standing outside their window singing love songs at 2 in the morning when you’ve only been on one date is creepy. Standing outside their window singing love songs at 2 in the morning when you’ve been out a lot, have a clear indication of mutual affection, and it isn’t finals week is adorable.

The 6 Tips for Pursuing:

Remember what I said about girls wanting to feel valued? They want to feel worth something, and have their talents and interests appreciated. If she can sing like an angel, compliment her voice. Don’t be intimidated by the girl majoring in Biochem, she will love you for being proud of her success. Go to her intramural games. Rave about her cookies. Say thank you for her Sunday School lesson. Isn’t that what you would want?
Never EVER use these words: hot, sexy, chick, etc. (Words that will melt her heart: beautiful, lovely, Love as a proper noun, even a simple “you look nice today.”)
Playing games is a no. On all sides. Zack gave us a wonderful lesson on this two posts ago. We’re not in middle school.
Follow the general rules of gentlemanry. Chivalry=attractive
Being on time for dates: major plus. It shows you care.
Listen to her when she talks. Remember what she says, her opinions, her favorites, her experiences.

So what is the major underlying theme of all this? Women are not that different from you. Really. Most of the things you want/expect out of dating are what she wants/expects. She wants you to be honest. She wants you to be yourself. She wants you to send her sweet texts in the morning. She’s equally nervous and afraid.

In an eggshell: Be honest. Be yourself. Don’t be a hand whore (pardon my French, that whole thing really ticks me off. Personal experience. No time to explain.) Women are only as confusing as you are. In the wise words of Dr. Seuss: “Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind.”

Tchüss.

How to Decide Between Dating Two People

2011-11-10T09:21:00.001-07:00

I had to stretch to make this pic fit with the post...but too funny!

So we've all been in the situation where we meet two people pretty close together and we start to like both. So what to do?

To start we need to lay the groundwork assumption which I hold to be true, that you can only give your heart to one person at a time, and that is a decision you make. You can hook up with multiple people at the same time (which I will ALWAYS under ANY situation say is a huge NONO), but your heart will remain with one person.

But if you are in the process of deciding, what should you do?

Sometimes it can be a deadlock.

One is smarter, the other is funnier. One is a little prettier, the other is a little better at social situations. One is more passionate, the other has more direction. One is secure, the other is adventurous. One is really nice, the other is a little sassy.

Keep it simple. Don't just look at how you feel about that person, but look at how you feel about YOURSELF.

Don't worry about choosing the hotter one or the better kisser or the one with the better resume or cooler friends....because in the end, when all of that melts away, it exposes the core of any relationship: how you feel about yourself when you are around and not around that person.

And as my dear confidant who, earlier this year was choosing between two girls who wanted to mary him and who's advice I rarely heed, advises, "DO NOT wait too long to decide because it will damage the relationship with whomever you choose and you will die lonely." (I took some liberties with the end of his quote...)

Who inspires you? Makes you feel like a better person? Who doesn't make you feel like just some puppet or accessory? That is the seed of a great relationship. And if you put yourself into it and it is right, love will come.

For love is a magic potion that is concocted in the kitchen of decision with a little bit of help from the laboratory of luck.

(oh, and as my for dear confidant, he waited too long to decide and hence, is not dating either of those girls--but he IS almost engaged to a third. ...maybe I should take his advice.)

Play the Right Game - Don't Be THAT Guy

2011-11-08T20:19:00.000-07:00

So I was pursuing this girl who was great. I mean super attractive, amazing resume, very funny--any guy would look at her and be ready to date in an instant! I was honestly surprised that she was even interested in me.

But then small things started to show a lack of interest like texting ON a date with me (terribly rude....by the way. almost elicits a ranting post in and of itself (Note to self: add a rant about texting to my "to blog about" list)), not calling back soon and then slightly demeaning comments. I asked around a little and found out that she was still interested in an old fling. (don't judge me for being creepy, blame the world for being too small)

So when I started to see her backing away, I decided to perform a social experiment. I wanted to play the game. And not just like a foursquare type of game, but the Mayan Ball Game where I would either be crowned a hero or die.

This is what happened: I told her I would show up at her house at 9pm on Sunday. I showed up at 9:45. I didn't even hug her when i walked in. I was rude. I teased her. I flirted with her roommates. I tasted her cookie dough and pretended I wasn't impressed. I even stuck a stick into the dough just to make a point that I could.

I was just a class A jerk and left in less than 30 min feeling like a total tool.

I really did feel bad. This totally is not my style at all. The only solace I had was knowing that this was my last ditch effort to get her.

I confessed to my roomys what I had done and as they were lecturing me about why I shouldn't have done that, I get my first unsolicited text from her. BWHAAA???!

She wanted to get together that week. BWAAAAAAAAAAAAH???????! (Frankly, i was more disgusted that it worked than anything)

She calls me the next day to make sure that we are going out that week and to invite me on a date that weekend.

We went out.

We went out again and even again.

It was great, but she soon seemed to loose interest in me as I lost interest in playing the game...and she sacrificed me on her alter of unanswered texts.

So....what is the moral of the story?

Ladies...stop being crazy. If you like a guy, like him. If not, don't start liking him because he is a d-bag.

Fellas...if the only way you can get is is to play crazy games, you never had her. You can't get a girl to like you by not being you!

Er'body...yes we need to play a little bit of the game, but play the right game. The game is not making it TOO obvious when you are interested. It is even biblical. Proverbs 29:11 reads "a fool uttereth all his mind; but a wise man keepeth it in until afterwords."

The game is about intrigue, not injury.

So don't be that guy. Don't play the nasty games. Don't put up with those games.

You are better than that and you deserve someone who will think the same. Put away your name badge and become your guy.

She was ALWAYS Right--A Very Awkward Dating Story...

2011-10-27T22:22:00.001-06:00

Oh...and these pictures are used without permission too from the funniest website I have seen in a long time. Check out www.hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com...odd but hilarious humor.

I just want to start this post by saying that I am writing this post without permission of any parties involved...but it is too good to wait to get permission and i'm not making money on this blog and it is not of enough importance AND legally not a viable case for slander...so here I go.

My friend named Peter (not his name, but it plays into the story) met this girl in class. Cute. Always sat on his left side (an important tidbit). He thought nothing of it.

He asked this girl out. They went out. It was winter. She wore a coat. All things to this point seem normal.

Now here we go.

On the date at his apartment, they sat (again, her at his left) at his computer watching some youtube stuff to have a reason to sit close, touch knees and kill some time (ya know the routine...). As they sat, he couldn't help but notice that she was incredibly proficient at typing with one hand while the other stayed in her coat pocket.

Then, as they were making sandwiches she still only used her right hand. He started to laugh.

"Why do you only use one hand??" he blurted with a chuckle.

...awkward silence. The chuckle stopped.

"Because," she replied, "it's the only one I have."

ONE ARMED! FOILED!

Now there is nothing awkward about having one arm, but being friends with a girl for a few weeks and not noticing until 1/2 way through the date...now that can be awkward.

Needless to say, they did not go out again(...but did remain friends).

This just goes to show you though, that there is at least ONE situation where getting a side hug at the end of a date doesn't necessarily mean you're out of luck...unless you are Peter.