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Confessions of a Recovering Perfection-aholic

2013-05-13T11:37:00.000-06:00

I drop by my old roommate's apartment to catch up after not seeing him for a couple of weeks.

He sees me walk in and without even making eye contact asks, "So how are things going with that one girl?" his a half-smirk hinted at his undeniable undertones of subtle scoffing (3x2=6pts).

I knew he had no idea who that 'one girl' was, but after knowing me for a few years, he just assumed there was some'one girl'.

I pretended to not notice his gentle jab.

"Eh...you know how things go. It didn't work out. She--"

"What was wrong with this one?" The facetious flavor became more pronounced (by the way, "facetious" is one of 38 words in the English language that uses all of the vowels in alphabetical order...just in case you get nothing out of this post, there is at least one thing).

He got a little more to the point while looking up from his book, "I think you are too picky."

My response for the last 6 years was that I was not picky, I just wanted someone with whom I could fall in love. Not too much to ask...right?

Right.

Well...unless of course you are only willing to fall in love with perfection.

I have ended things with so many amazing girls just because I thought they were crazy. I mean, I used to think that 1/3 of all women were crazy, so I just looked for those 2/3. Then as I've aged, I've realized my assumption is incorrect. The truth is that ALL women are crazy...1/3 of the time. (And guys are immature 3/3 of the time, so sorry about that)

And in looking back at the things I haven't liked about girls, it has included traits like being too young, too old, too nice, not nice enough, too serious, too immature, too skinny, not skinny enough, too concerned with fashion, not good style, weird friends, messy, plain, quirky, too busy, too available...and on and on. Now if one person had all of those traits, then yeah, maybe we could look elsewhere (like to a shrink for bi-polar disorder).

But chances are, I've stopped liking girls after a first date and never gave them a chance (or better put, gave myself a chance to like them) because of some minor flaw. Maybe I exacerbated-ly extrapolated her quietness into something that would be the grounds for divorce or a broken home or a miserable life every time I came home from work and then I would be bored when we were sitting in our rocking chairs watching our great-grand-kids just sit in the yard like idiots and watch the grass grow because they learned how to be dull from my wife.

Well slo-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-w down there Tonto! It is a first date...

And therein is the problem. We feel that if there is something we notice in the beginning we don't like, we fail to give them a chance. But if we are feeling off for a night, we expect them to give us another chance.

For the more we date, the more we realize what is so great about the other people. We begin to form this Captain Planet as an assimilation of the powers of all your previous relationships combined. See, I've dated the perfect girl for service, the perfect girl for beauty, the perfect girl for spirituality, the perfect girl for intellect, the perfect girl for cocktail parties and on and on and on...but they were all different girls. I will never find someone who possesses all of those qualities and hope that someone doesn't expect me to posses them as well.

As a recovering perfection-aholic, might I suggest a simple phrase to keep in mind. A phrase that we expect of others to believe about us but find others to be the exception for us--

Give them the benefit of the doubt--until they give you reason enough to doubt the benefit.

And there it is.

So does perfect exist? Yeah, of course it does...just not in one person. (SHOCKER.) I will never find a perfect match, and because of that, I don't have to marry a robot. See, I've realized that I'm going to date, marry and live with a human for the rest of my life. A human who not only has faults...but a human who can live with mine. For with all of their flaws, pet peeves, laziness, loudness and rudeness...humans are capable of love.

Thank You, Mother(s).

2013-05-12T19:01:00.001-06:00

How true it is that often our mothers' sacrifices seem like something they wanted to do. Their love makes their sacrifice not seem like a burden but a joy. That is charity.

Thank you, mother. And thank you mothers.

How to Pick a Restaurant for a Date--The 4 Steps

2013-04-25T12:22:00.000-06:00

First of all, if you didn't know guys, a date, 99% of the time, includes food. If she is sacrificing an evening of the Bachelor to spend with you, you should at least feed her, you cheapo.

Now, there are two main approaches, making food and going to eat. This post is going to cater to the latter.

You ask her out, she has a lapse of judgement and says yes, and the date is set.

Stay classy, fellas.

STEP 1: The day before the date, give her a call in the evening

and give her SOME details on your plan. (Oh, STEP 0 is make a plan.) Don't spoil it, but do let her know what attire would be appropriate Note: do NOT tell her what specifically to wear, but rather I usually say, 'And as far as what to wear, don't worry about wearing stilettos and you can leave your hiking boots at home. We will be mainly in doors.' And let her know that you will be feeding her. Ask her if she has any allergies or any food she hates.

STEP 2: Look in the area of the activity (because you better have an activity planned or you have not read enough of this blog) for a restaurant that fits the allergies and food preference of the date that are within your budget. If you're not sure what your budget is, take a personal finance course. Honestly, man.

STEP 3: Choose TWO restaurants that look really good to you. For this example, I will choose PF Chang's and California Pizza Kitchen.

STEP 4: When you pick her up and you are on your way to the area of the date, make sure that she is still hungry and didn't just eat by some turn of fate...funerals, surprise bridal showers, roommate breakup consolations are all things that may have happened right before the date. If she is still hungry, ask her which TYPE of restaurant she would like. For my example, I would say something along the lines of, "Awesome! Well would you prefer Chinese or American food?" Let her choose, without telling her the restaurants and then just drive there and surprise her. If she ends up hating that particular place, that's fine because you have your backup.

This works so much better than just taking a girl somewhere without her having any say or even worse...the kiss of death, "So...where do you want to eat?" I've found that while women might not always know what they want, they know what they do NOT want.

If you ask "Where do you want to eat?", they are likely to respond, "Anywhere...I'm fine with whatever!" And the following conversation will ensue.

What happens when you don't feed people that should be.

"Denny's?"

"No..."

"Arby's?"

"Not a huge fan."

"Chef's table?"

"Not really my thing."

"PF Chang's?"

"I've only eaten there once and it wasn't amazing."

"So where do you want to go then??"

"Whereever...I'm not picky."

Listen, fellas, dating can be a lot better if you just plan ahead. As painful as it may be, a poorly prepared date is much worse for the girl. Follow these four steps to picking the restaurant for a date and you will find your evening full of delicious enjoyment and sweet conversation.

Three Phases of Post-Break-Up Make-Up

2013-04-19T15:46:00.001-06:00

So you got dumped. Don't worry, you can do better, they didn't deserve you, yadayadayada (not the Seinfeld "yadayadayada")

But now what?

Can you move on? Will you ever find someone as amazing? Will you ever be able to open up again? Should you send the other person a nasty text from a different number?

There are a few definitely's in there and maybe one or two maybe's. But that's not the point. The point is that now, before you decide to egg his car or ask out her ex-roommate, you should make certain to go through the three phases of a break-up and how to make-up for all the junk that comes along with it.

PHASE 1: Medicate

Right after the break-up, you will need to just treat yourself.

I was recently introduced to Denali Extreme Fudge Chocolate Moose Tracks...it only comes in break-up sizes. Get some. Edward was given Ben and Jerry's by Jon Stewart a year ago when Bella showed that she was a wolf in sheepish clothing (or not, depending on what point in time we are talking about).

Also, for the first few nights, grab a few Melatonin pills and a bottle of Doterra lavender oil. Oh, and break-ups are the exact reason that you can get a free month of Hulu plus.

There are always massage Groupons as well. Splurge. Find the cheapest one and then go to that spa and pay full price...just because you deserve it.

With social media and break-ups, it might not be a bad idea to change settings in Facebook so they don't show up in your newsfeed. Don't give them the satisfaction of un-friending them. WAaaaaaaAAAAaY too dramatic. And don't be so quick to untag your photos. In due time. And hey, both the Zucksters and I find blogging about it to be therapeutic, though discretion is advised. For while you MIGHT become a gazillionaire, you for sure will be labeled a "DB".

And most importantly, don't feel bad about feeling bad. Remember, treat yourself; don't beat yourself. Just give yourself some time.

How much time?

Well, for me once when things weren't very serious and it took me 10 minutes (wasted 3/4 of a tub of ice cream) and another time it took me about three years (single handedly put Ben and Jerry's Frozen Greek Yogurt Strawberry Shortcake back on the map)...but that those are both my 'too short' and 'too long'. As for the 'just right,' simply make sure that every day, you are closer to getting over it than the day before...or until your subscription to Hulu Plus for free runs out. (Tip: avoid going into the Netflix free trial on the same round. Save that for the next break-up.)

PHASE 2: Meditate

Once you have treated yourself...recalibrate. Get to know yourself, by yourself, again and take some time with just you. Once, I got all Walden and went to the woods for 8 hours without speaking a single word. I even spent over an hour just following an ant. (Not a recommended method of meditation.)

Just chill your face down...

If you can't find anything to think about, ask yourself a few simple questions...Where are you in life? Where do you want to be? What is preventing you from being there? What do you need to get there? How can I burn off those ice cream calories?

Unhelpful questions are pretty much anything you think of during the first phase.

PHASE 3: Mega-Date

You might be nervous, but your Mr/Miss "Tidwell" is waiting.

NOW, once you have sufficiently treated yourself and greeted yourself into contemplation, it is time to move on. Girls, make yourself available by going to parties and telling hot guys, 'we should do something together'. Guys, go through your phone and find the girl that you always wanted to ask out and take her on the date of her life. Just go out and meet people.

But beware, if you skip phase 1 and 2 and jump right to this, you will NCMO. If you are wondering what that is, ask your sorry roommate where (s)he was until 3am the day AFTER they got dumped.

Remember that these aren't stringent steps, but guidelines that have helped me through the majority of my dating life. May these phases speedily lessen the feel of the barrage of break-up endeavor until the real mirage of make-ups forever.

Six Tips to Tip the Scale in Your Favor

2013-04-15T19:30:00.000-06:00

Parent of the Year Award.

A while ago, a friend told me I looked "exactly" like one of his friends. He explained that it was "eerie" how similar we looked. He then showed me a picture.

Aside from having glasses and wearing pastels, this guy had a good 150 pounds on me.

A really good 150.

So I started to try to lose weight. Here are some tips that have helped me in the past and that I am currently using to tip the scale in my favor. So yeah, if you're wondering...this post is not about dating.

Weigh yourself naked.
If you have a digital scale, stand on the corners, it won't pick up all your weight. If you have a nice digital scale and this doesn't work, don't worry, you can buy a cheap one at Walmart.
If you have a regular scale, you can find a little dial in the back. Just turn it counter-clockwise.
Weigh yourself under a pull-up bar...and use it. Leaning against counters works well too.
Weigh yourself twice. First time, hold something heavy, then put it down and weigh yourself again. The only limit to how much weight you can lose instantly is your own strength. Using moving straps can help too. I've heard of people doing this with whole refrigerators in a pinch, when they needed to loose a couple hundred pounds fast.
Removal of non-essential body parts and organs is great. I've gotten 4 teeth removed and my galbladder taken out. I'm currently researching the appendix. The ounces really start to shed. Cutting off all your hair works pretty well too.

Well there you have it. My six tips. Have a happy (meal) day!

Easter Edible Grass

2013-03-26T15:00:00.003-06:00

This, my friends is edible easter grass. I got some and decided that if it wasn't awful I would blog about it. I mean it is easter and candy, so it seemed up my alley. And here I am...

It isn't brittle.

I ate it and didn't die.

If you are looking for something interesting this easter, try it out. Here is a link to the stuff on amazon stuff (not a paid link). It tastes like fruity-sweet-stringy-non-salty-soft-potato-chips...kinda. The flavor is actually pretty mild, but not bad. I mean it isn't 'sneak this into the theater under threat of jail' good, but great if you don't want your kids to die on plastic grass this easter. And it is imported from Germany...so you know it won't break down on you.

Only problem: it doen't go back in the bag. Use it or lose it, baby.

I actually used some as a garnish in my easter crystal lite cocktail and it looked pretty cool. (And yeah, it WAS before noon when I made myself that drink, so what?)

Oh, and if you want one, I have an extra bag and would be happy to give it to you...you'll just have to find a way to get it. I'm super busy taking pictures of my cocktail.

Putting (Yourself) Out

2013-03-26T00:49:00.002-06:00

Today I was at an apartment complex in Provo and found a new high low...

There was a flier on every girls' door that said, "Tired of Being Single? So's This Guy!!!" With the website address of www.Date-Preston.com. I didn't believe it. You shouldn't either. Nobody should.

That is the most ridiculous thing. I went to the website to see for myself.

I took a screen shot for proof.

It is real.

I hate to promote something like this. I find this website disgusting, awful, stupid, slightly chauvinistic (I would know)...and...quite awesome. If only I would have thought of this earlier!

I don't know you Preston, but I hope all 5'6" of you finds a companion. You my friend certainly put (yourself) out. Good on ya.

UPDATE: Okay, I fully recognize this is probably a prank...but still, I think it is hilarious. The lengths we go to.

UPDATED UPDATE: Confirmed prank. BAHAHAHAHAHAH....I'm glad people don't love me this much. That makes this whole thing even better. Standing ovation, sir [insert smile with a slow shaking of head in the 'no' fashion for effect].

You Might Not Be a Dollar Short - 2 Lessons from Cupcake Dating

2013-03-20T00:30:00.001-06:00

Maybe you put too much time into it--or maybe not enough.

A few Saturdays ago I went on a date with a girl. Not just any girl, but a knock out (near)celebrity author. I was nervous--I even washed my car for the date. I washed my car. (I would have gotten a wax too...but the salon was booked.)

We made dinner, laughed, danced in the kitchen, chatted on the couch and just had an overall fun time. No detail spared, every dollar that should have been spent was.

I'm golden.

After some back and forth texting over the next couple of days, I finally ask her if I will be able to see her again. Bold move, Oates. Pulling the text ask out card. Means that it isn't super official, but she knows you want to see her again. Money.

Sometimes it isn't about the ingredients.

She responds, 'Yeah, sure..."

I already didn't like the "sure" part of the text. I almost didn't want to keep reading.

"...but know that it won't be romantically."

Fools gold.

***

You see, a few days before our date, I called her to change our date from Friday to Saturday. After all, what could happen in a day?

Great question. Let me answer that. She had a guy friend call her whom she has known for years, they went out last minute and hit it off. By Sunday they were officially on and I was officially off.

Boom.

That's what happens when you are 24 hours too late.

Timing isn't always a thing, but when it is, it is the thing.

Lesson 1: don't leave the house with cupcakes in the oven, or you may come home to find out that someone already frosted and ate them for you.

Lesson 2: sometimes you're not a dollar short...you're just a day late.

To the Strong: It's Okay to be Sad

2013-03-11T00:00:00.002-06:00

Even you, Batman.

I want to talk to the rocks. To the pillars. To the ones who are always leaned on.

Let me just say, thank you. Thanks for being there and for being a true friend. People really do need you. Friends, family and even strangers feel your strength and need your support to stand tall. I need you and I am so grateful for you.

With that being said, let me also say something else to you: it is okay to be sad.

I know it seems like a silly thing to say, but let me say it again, it is okay to feel sad. It is okay to need someone to lean on. It is okay to not be able to be strong every second of every day. In fact, you can use this as your permission slip to take a day for you. To cry. To use a tissue. To have someone else bind up a wounded heart or lift a heavy load. You, the listener to many, may feel like there are no ears upon which your weary words may rest--but know that there are.

You don't AWAYS have to be GRRRRREAT.

If you disagree, go under the stars for 10 minutes and tell me if you feel alone. Think of the feelings your parents had when they first held you and tell me that you are not loved. And while that may provide some comfort, it is the lifting that gets tiring.

At times the weight seems like it is too much.

At those moments, remember this: it is okay to be sad. Your problems are worth being spoken. They are worth being listened to.

You can feel lonely, rejected, betrayed, and yes...even weak. For in those moments when you want to push away everything that makes you feel vulnerable and sad, think of what is says in the Good Book, "By the sadness of the countenance the heart is made better" (Eccl. 7:3).

When needed, give your heart to sorrow, the forger of better men, and while you may feel alone, ponder about the One who descended below them all.

For in those moments of deepest despair, there is One who has experienced all of the sorrow in the whole world to tell you, 'I'm here...just for you.'

Even things don't go your way, you'll find another.

I can remember on my mission in Ukraine, I felt so stressed at times because I couldn't allow myself any down time, or better said, I didn't let myself have time to feel down. You see, I went to Ukraine to save the world, but somewhere along the way...I realized that Christ already did.

So don't fear falling. For when you fall with meekness and patience, and "wait upon the Lord" then shall you "renew [your] strength...[and] mount up with wings as eagles" (Isaiah 40:31) to a clearer perspective of your role, your example and your service in the world.

And during the nights when you feel that you don't want people to thank you, but rather you just want someone to hold you--on those long nights, know that you have been held since the beginning (Isaiah 46:4) and although "weeping may endure for a night...joy cometh in the morning" (Psalm 30:5).

Practice Safe Dating--Use ProTEXTion

2013-03-05T15:57:00.000-07:00

Your phone buzzes.

Maybe it's her.

You frantically fumble for your fragile phone, figuring your frenzied fingers would forge a fantastic retort, inasmuch as 'forming funny texts' finds itself in the features of your fortes (+13).

You unlock the homescreen--an exhalation of excessively elevated expectations (+4) comes rushing out, oozing into the reality of the concocted conjecture...it wasn't her.

It was your mother...

With a picture message of a pair of shoes asking you if she should buy them.

You respond: They look good!

The exclamation mark was pretend.

An ACTUAL text convo I had this year.
Note the day and month. #Awk.

We have all been there. (That is actually one way that I know if I like a girl--do I wish that every text I get was from her?)

There is nothing worse than sitting your phone down waiting for that little green light to flash showing any unattended-to alerts. Every few min you check...just in case that light isn't working for some reason.

But eventually it will flash and let's talk about how to not go crazy when that happens.

Texting Before You Start Dating:

But know this, just because she/he hasn't texted you doesn't mean that they don't like you.
Don't ever say anything over text that you don't want their roommates to invariably read. That stuff will be blogged about (...hope you're okay with that, Amber).
And if they do text you, don't be so needy. Give it some times, make them at least think you weren't waiting for their text all day.
If you text late at night to see them, be sure that you are only looking for action. Insidious implications are inherent and disappointment precedes precedent unmet. Instead of saying 'want to watch a movie?' why not just say, 'booty txt?' It isn't about not feeling gross about yourself afterwards, that is inevitable; it is about adults consenting to feel gross about themselves afterwards...beforehand.

Texting After You Start Dating:

Let's keep it simple here. Know that a text is not a forum for freakishly frequent interrogations. Let's all just calm down a little on WAYDRN's (what are you doing right now) and the photos of your food...that's what insta is for.

Texting ANYtime:

Use smiley's and excited punctuation with caution. Do you yell at people and act like a pervert all day? Because this world would be a much creepier place if we winked as much as people do in texts. And when I see three exclamation marks I think of a teenage girls holding hands, jumping and screaming because one of them got snapchatted a pic of her tool boyfriend with his shirt off. ...and I don't want to think about that.

So remember, use common sense, give people space and know that while no pure relationship is built on the altar of texting, many are sacrificed thereon.

May that green flashing notification be shining ever in your favor.

Practice safe dating--use proTEXTion.

5 Steps to Getting Someone to Like you When Just You're Not Their Type

2013-03-01T00:12:00.000-07:00

WaitingByNotWaiting wrote in a comment,

I have a dating question that has been on my mind quite a bit lately, and I wouldn't be surprised if other girls feel the same way. How do you attract a guy when you are not his normal type? I'm not talking about a situation where a guy tells a girl she isn't his type to try to "let her down easy." I'm talking about looking around and noticing the types of girls this guy likes and seeing that you just aren't like those girls. Obviously, you ideally want to date someone who likes you for you, but isn't there a way to...well... change a guy's perspective? Have there been any girls who made you date outside your type? What was it about them that made you change your mind?

Great question!

First of all, I don't know. I'm single.

Second (of rest), let me pretend I know and answer.

There have been times in my life where the girl I ended up liking was not my type. And truthfully, while "small bubbly blonds" are what my friends would call my "type," I have ventured outside of the lower atmosphere of 5 foot and a few darker than blond. Only once have I ventured outside of bubbly, though. Here is how things happened on this occasion:

She was cute, but not my type. She was taller, dark hair and really really super calm and chill. I always thought of us as just friends. We hung out in a group together and I would tell the group about my dates she would occasionally give advice. That was about our relationship.Then one day the group all left and it was just her and I. Usually, even with great friends, if you are one on one with a member of the group for the first time, it can be awkward.

But surprisingly, it was just fun. She asked about me and then opened up when I asked about her and for the first time, I saw a sparkle in her eye that I didn't notice before.

See what we did here?

I finally asked her, 'Why have we never gone on a date?'

She said, 'Because I don't want to be one of those 'Zack Oates girls.'

While I probably should have at least felt the dig a little...but being the optimist I just didn't hear a 'no'!

I said, 'What if I promise to only take you on dates that I have never been with anyone else?' She agreed and out we went. We actually became official too. And while our tragic demise were stereotypical of the common denominator in all my relationships (the other person...*cough*cough...[awkward laugh]), I still call/google hangout/dinner with her on occasions and consider her one my my heart's biggest mistakes.

Since then, I have since used a similar process with quite high levels of success.

So, here are the 5 Steps to Getting Someone to Like you When Just You're Not Their Type:

Step 1: Don't be a horrible person. (Do not proceed to Step 2 unless you undouchebagify yourself.)
Step 2: Find times to spend in groups with your target.
Step 3: Show them you are AWESOME without paying extra attention to them or trying too hard.
Step 4: Get them alone. (CAVEAT: do not be creepy about this.)
Step 5: Show genuine interest in them and then proceed to mention something that the two of you should do together, like try a new restaurant, play some game or make out. (If you use the 'make out' one, be sure you make back of elbow contact and laugh as a joke...but you know and they know that all jokes are rooted in repressed frustrations on perceived reality)

So even if or especially if you are not their type, it isn't lost, you just need to work a little bit more to win them over. To have a shot, you must first get in their sights, then, just stay still enough for cupid's arrow to hit the target. And if this process doesn't work, there are only three reasons: 1) you aren't being blunt enough; 2) you really just aren't their type and should be offended; 3) you went to step 2 too soon.

Remember, if all else fails, write a blog post about how they were the one that got away and then tell that post was written about them. Works like a charm. #stillSTINGle. #seefirstofall

Have Love(ly) Day

2013-02-14T00:26:00.000-07:00

Does 50 years produce this kind of love?

I don't think so.

I think that an open heart does.

The other day I heard the story of my buddy's cousin who married quadriplegic when she was 19. That was over 20 years ago and they are still happily married. Challenging, but smiling.

I had a close friend pass away with Alzheimer's disease a week ago. His widow was smiling at his funeral--but with tissues in hand. They had decades behind them, but she was looking forward to the eternity ahead of them.

Yeah, life can be tough--but love makes it worth living.

So today, love your love, love yourself and have a lovely day.

5 Rules of Post-Dumping Etiquette

2013-02-12T23:14:00.001-07:00

So you get dumped. Bummer. Go to a movie by yourself and get over it. Leave an anonymous comment on my blog...whatever you need to do to vent.

Everything is going so well with the break up phases (besides the sugar intake) until...

Three days later after being dumped, you get a random text message that starts something like this: "I miss you..."

BWHaaaaaAAAAT?!

They dump you and yet desire to remain emotionally connected. They expressed their desire to remove their heart, yet in doing so, they realize that there is a big portion of it that they left behind. And for some reason, they don't want it back--they would rather just look at it.

...really closely.

Like, 'can't we still kiss' kind of closely.

I understand that it hurts to dump; but realize that it hurts to be dumped slightly more. And although it is the same sting of lost love which gently entrenches its thorn...there is a difference. The dumped got stabbed by the dumper; but the dumper got stabbed...BY THE DUMPER. See my point? It is hard to feel THAT bad for the country that fired a nuclear bomb...at itself.

But why does the dumper do dumb deeds?

Because they love the romantic idea of you. They can fabricate their fantastical fancy for you far from the fickle frenzied feelings which formed the foundational failure of a fool's forgone future [breath] into rhetoric of resounding reasons why they relinquished the relationship. (Am I trying too hard? --not even close. I know more "f" words...like frustrating. (come on...! This is a family-friendly forum! (+...a lot)))

Those who dump imagine away the bad and dream only of the good. But why? why do they skillfully and wilfully woo us along in their winter-warm woven web of womanly words which wind their way around our weaning and weary war-ridden heart(+14)?

TO THE DUMPED:

So why can't they leave the lonely to be left alone? Because in the end, chances are...you are a pretty good catch. They aren't going to meet someone like you again. They miss feeling connected. You are special to them. But know there are some things worth fighting for--and you are one of them. If they can't see it, then it is probably a good thing you aren't seeing them.

TO THE DUMPER:

I'm sure your heart is broken too, but pull together the pieces and have a heart. Don't put your emotional stress on the dumped. For while they pretend that all they need is a dollar viewing of The Dark Knight Rises, in the end, all they remember is Miranda's cold dagger into a heroically benevolent black back. The mixed messages are like bait-less hooks catching fishes in the gills. First you tell him you don't need him, then apparently, you do. Only this time, the only rewards for their emotional fortitude are hugs. No kisses...and certainly no continued companionship through thick and thin. Obviously the deal was better before, and they are going to feel cheated.

So, here are 5 Rules of Post-Dumping Ettiquite:

Do not confuse the loneliness of love's loss with the fantasies of fiction's feelings.
Do not text emotional pleas.
Do not call 'just to check up' out of pity or even genuine interest.
Do not ask out a roommate to lunch to maintain contact. They weren't your friends before, it is a package deal.
If you do want to get back together, it will take a little more than a whiney phone call to win us over.

Stick by these rules and who knows...when you realize what you are missing, they might just be willing to give you another chance. But then, it goes from fishing to crabbing--much harder catch for a much different blog post.

My 27th Life Lesson--What Did the Last 365 Days Teach?

2013-02-02T14:20:00.003-07:00

Every year, I write the biggest lesson I learned from the previous year. What did the last 365 days teach me? So if you let me, I'm going to get real right now.

All humans go through heart ache. I'm not talking about the kind where a good make-out and an hour of Adele's 21 will heal--but real hurt. The kind that makes you fear being tender. The kind that makes you put up transparent walls (the kind that look like you're open, until someone comes close). The kind that makes you wonder if you are worth it...

That is the 'storm after the calm' type hurt.

That is the 'loneliness after love' type pain.

See, when you're in love, you feel that you are at your best. Everything is better. The air fresher, food more savory and life more livable. You believe in yourself because the one person in the world who knows you best..well, they believe in you too. Ultimate vulnerability juxtaposed aside seemingly unstoppable strength.

Then, somehow...it ends.

And the devil inside takes the stage.

With a merciless monologue, the bitter limelights dim on him.

'You knew it would end!'
'I told you not to let that person in. Why don't you listen?'
'If you can't be loved at your best, how can you be loved at all?'

Insecurities fill sunken seams left in a torn heart. And slowly, you begin to build the base for barriers of belief. Higher and higher they climb until the light blocks even a belief in yourself.

But don't worry, for on the surface, life continues. In fact, maybe you don't even see the walls or know they are there...until you, brick by brick, you can love again.

And so to all of you who have lost, to all of you who are afraid to lose and to the few who don't want to find out what it is like to gain, might I just say what I have learned this last year of my life:

You are what's worth it.

Just...you.

As you are.

Not because of the guy who loves you or the girl you want to love you or the business you start or the trophies you earn or the hair you have or the sales you made or the friends you have or the people you know or the followers on twitter or the calling in church or the job you have or the painting you made or that book you wrote or the rippling abs you have (because you have that. Keep in mind a six pack is like the sun, it is always there, but sometimes it is just a bit cloudy)...

While none of those things are bad, and many inherently good, know that they are not what comprise why you are worth it.

You are worth it because many eons ago, you were created by a Heavenly Father who thought you were worth it. A couple thousand of years ago His Son came to earth and agreed with him. And right now you are taking a breath that should be a reminder that those two events happened, for your sake,--just for you. Because you are what's worth it.

And while you can be better, "you are enough" (check the TED talk above).

Instead of worrying about your lost love, or losing love or maybe being someone's loss--love yourself...because you are worth loving.

So in a life filled with dreams broken by 'just about's and 'almost's and 'sort of's and 'would have been's...know that you, yes...even you--especially you, are worth it.

You Can Try to Find Love, But...

2013-01-30T23:41:00.003-07:00

My good buddy Craig shared this with me tonight and I LOVE this. It is such a fantastic short in 100% Disney quality.

Bravo.

There will be dips and turns, but know this one thing--something I truly believe--that if you try with everything you have to find love, eventually, it will find you. So don't be afraid to follow what you feel is right, even if a feeling is all that is left.

Just keep looking...until you're found.

And remember, it takes work to stay in love, not fall in love.

Blonds or Brunettes? Disney Case Study and a Letter to "Gladly Golden"

2013-01-28T22:59:00.002-07:00

Dear Zach,
As a blonde-lover yourself (according to your old list), you may not realize how many of us "fairer" females in Provo are told by guys that they "prefer brunettes." Or some silly nonsense about blondes being great girlfriends but brunettes are better wives? BAH! Even if your interests go both ways, (as hair color doesn't really make a difference in actual character), it would be more than amusing to hear your take on the matter.
Sincerely,
Gladly Golden

Gladly Golden,

I'll respond on behalf of Zach, because I'm sure whoever he is, he wouldn't mind you writing to him on this blog.

As for me, ZacK (ps, my birthday is coming up and if you are one of my 130 Facebook friends (give or take), and you are too lazy to look up a quarter of an inch to see how my name is spelled and write "happy bday zach! love you," I should know that you don't actually love me and you should know you are NOT invited to my dinner at the Chuck), I have to say that when it comes to hair color, if a guy genuinely does "prefer brunettes," I bet you they grew up with sisters and watched Disney movies.

See, my first love was for redheads, inasmuch as my first crush was Ariel. (Most men, in fact, if looking sincerely, can say that their first crush was to a cartoon character as well.) Which is why, since then, I've never been able to love cats and there has never been enough room in my life for another redhead. For on a very reputable quote site where anyone can post anything that any historical figure said, Mark Twain is quoted as saying, "While the rest of the species is descended from apes, redheads are descended from cats." (although Jessica Rabbit may disagree.)

Of the 10 major human Disney Royalty (not all are "princesses") here is the breakdown of hair color:

Brown-1
Red-1
Strawberry blond-1 (Cinderella is only blond at Disney parks and other merchendise)
Blond-2
Brunette-5

Of the 21 major Disney "heartthrobs," here is the breakdown:

White-1 (Atlantis' Kida)
Purple-1 (A Bug's Life' Princess Atta, not Madam Mim from The Sword in the Stone)
Blue-1 (Cars' Sally)
Strawberry blond-1
Red-4 (including 101 Dalmatians' Anita and the fox(y) Maid Marian from 1973 Robin Hood)
Brown-4 (including Lady and the Tramp's Darling and Nala...oh Nala.)
Blond-8 (including Tinker Belle and Toy Story's Bo Peep)
Brunette-9 (including Ratatouille's Colette and Minny)

So as you see, while the odds even out in the end, of blond's and brunette's, there is a strong leaning towards darker hair. Disney doctrine dictates a definite desire for darker debutantes (+7). Why is that?

As women age, blond hair becomes darker. So blond hair is a sign of youth and dark hair is a sign of maturity Hence, you date blonds and marry brunettes.

But seriously Gladly Golden, I think we shouldn't judge another by the color the their hair, but the content of their hair product. If it smells good, doesn't look butch and doesn't feel greasy...hair is there to wear and share (but not with my car seat).

That being said, I find myself dating blonds but in my dreams my wife is always a brunette. I guess you could say that my hands are with a blond, my head is with a brunette, but my heart, is forever trapped under the sea with a redhead (in my world, Ariel becomes a part of it, there was never a Little Mermaid 2 and Prince Eric dies...happily ever after).

5 Occasions to NOT Ask a Girl Out

2013-01-22T23:06:00.004-07:00

So my friend was recently telling me about a story that led me to further question why all women aren't gay. (Even though I disagree with lesbians on a lot of things, there is one things we share in common...)

She was feeling sick. The kind of sick where you can't laugh because snot will shoot out your nose sick. I most certainly will not say that she looked gross...but I will say that SHE said she looked gross (I've learned there is never an appropriate time to say that to a woman...OR agree with her).

She sleeps through her first class and decides to slug herself to her 11am class. She slips in past a boy with a casual, if not callus, 'hello,' plops herself down next to him and tries to get her overtly puffy eyes to adjust to what supposedly is going to be a 50 minute block of learning.

Supposedly.

Somewhere between the rumble of a lecture hall full with hormone raging sexually frustrated chatter and the opening prayer, she falls asleep. (Yeah, BYU has prayers before class. Love it.)

It was not until the homework assignment was dulled out that she woke up. As she groggily grabbed her goober getters (tissues)(+4...-1 for the stretch), the boy sitting next to her says,

"Hey...so...are you dating anyone?"

My friend's ears must have misinterpreted something.

"What...?" A nasally crack escaped with graceful gaucheness.

"Are you dating anyone?"

"Chutzpah"

"ummm.........no." The awkward glance around the room was undeniable--as if there were someone else with whom to share this bit of bizarreness while searching for a reflection to check for the probability of dried drool and inevitability of hair that has already beat her to lunch ('out to lunch' phrase reference...okay, second stretch of this post).

"I was wondering if you would like to go on a date with me!"

I mean, obviously you have to say yes, as she did...and obviously the guy has chutzpah, but take a step back, elder. If you have no interactions with a girl aside from sitting next to her for an hour in a lecture hall as she gargles on her own tongue, do you think she will perceive you asking her out as sweet and endearing or creepy and creepier that you probably were watching her sleep for a good(bad) part of class?

I'm all for going up to random girls and asking them out, and recommend it. (I did it all the time, and now I'm thousands of dollars poorer and STILL single. So yeah, it can work for you too.) But please, brothers, regardless of what your mission president said to you, stop your (comb)over-compensation for not being married 3 months after returning home. Bide your time. Remember, just be cool man.

So, you might want to rethink asking a girl you don't know out if she...

Has been sleeping next to you for an hour and apart from proximity, you have had no interaction with her.
Just finished an argument with someone.
Has a ring on her left finger (especially if it is a CTR ring...just let it go. Let. It. Go.).
Is taking a test in the library (apparently some girls don't go there to get picked up on #mixedsignalsinthenoshhhzone).
Is on the phone. And please PLEASE don't wait for her to be done. ooooooober creepy.

This is not meant as an excusably exhaustive list, but rather a bench-mark to see if you should sideline some of your 'sly' moves. For no matter the chutzpa, sometimes, it's better to throw your weight into a better fight, for if you ask a girl out in any of the above or similar settings, it usually is a bad (shal)omen.

How to Come Up with Your "List" Of What You Want in a Spouse

2013-01-15T11:00:00.000-07:00

So we all have a list of what we want in a man (and/)or woman--whether or not we like it. We do. Now, everyone is going to tell you that you should throw away your list. Don't listen to them. They are either depressed or lucky. But it is not about having a list, but what is ON the list that is important.

My freshman year of college, this was my actual list. Like, the one that was written in my journal. (Now if you want to know WHY, there are reasons, but here it is...)

Hot
Blond
Text messaged
Lived within 1/2 mile radius
Shallow

I needed to find a girl with whom I could have a blast, but wouldn't wait for me on my mission. And you tell me one girl that has those 5 attributes that lasted beyond freshman year? BUUUUUUT, needless to say, I had a lonely first semester.

Since then, a bit of maturation has occurred (make the comments you need to about that, but know that this is underhand pitch insultball and the jokes you are thinking of making were ancient before you even thought them), and I've re-defined how to make a list.

So, here is how to come up with your "list" of what you want in a spouse.

Write down every person with whom you could have seen yourself being really happy.
Individually write down the best things about them.
Find the common threads.
Make yourself available to anyone you meet with all attributes to test.

When I did this, I made a list of 12 girls that I could have married and came up with my list.

Beautiful
Positive
Leader
Who puts God first.

Simple.

And here is the thing, using those four attributes as my only benchmark, I was able to date some amazing girls that I wouldn't have otherwise because maybe they didn't speak Russian or maybe they wouldn't have been as good at a cocktail party or maybe they couldn't cook (all which have been on my list at some point).

So make a list. Check it twice. Stay away form the naughty and find the nice. Promise life is easier with a list.

Oh...and as one final thought--you'll know you found someone special when they don't fit everything your list, but rather, your list becomes everything they are.

4 Ways to Give Them the Gift of Missing You

2013-01-07T22:59:00.001-07:00

I used to dream about candy cigarettes. I loved them so much. I would go into every candy store I could find to see if they had them. Rarely they did.

I would get so excited every time I would get to buy them and even would pay as much as $2.50 for a pack (it was in NYC and when I saw the price, I snkarkly asked the guy working there if he knew they weren't real cigarettes. I was asked to leave). Anyways, last year, I got onto candy.com and found them for $20 per box that had 36 packs! I was stoked. I ordered 3 boxes--(that is 108 boxes for you advertising majors out there), put them in my office and ate 15 packs in 3 days..........and haven't touched them since. There thy sit. In my office. Daily I looked at them. Almost never partaking...

Such it is with dating.

Here is the thing that people forget. It isn't about playing the game, but it is about helping the other party realize how important you are. In any relationship, there will be an unbalance of "liking-you"ness until eventually...things even out or fizzle out. But remember the person you are dating only knows two kinds of life: life with you and life before you.

Give them the gift--

The gift of missing you.

Give them a third option of life with you but at the same time without you. It gives them a chance to really appreciate you. As Al Pacino, in his graceful eloquence of silver-screened wisdom said, "You know, when you get old, in life, things get taken from you. I mean...that's...that's...that's part of life. But, you only learn that when you start losing stuff." So be sure to give them a taste of what it would be IF they were to lose you and give them that third option.

Here's the problem, they know two kinds of life, life with knowing you and life without knowing you. Give them a third option of life with knowing you BUT without you.

Don't take this too far and go dumping your boo, but there are things you can do.

If you are married, take a trip with just your friends.
If you are dating, take a night to yourself.
If you are not yet dating, be sure to go out with other people still. Just be cool, man.
If you just met them, give them space.

Don't be so available that you become proverbial pack of candy cigarettes unattractively begging daily for attention (even if you are a middle child). For if the relationship will go well, your naggy-nancy-neurosis will be far less effective than your sweet (albeit chalky) personality.

Simply put: fellas, chill out; ladies, don't be crazy.

Now that Your Pant(ie)s Aren't All in a Bunch...

2012-12-23T16:06:00.001-07:00

One week from when women wore #pantstochurch and made their statement, let me say one last thing about how I feel about this movement and women in general.

I am a Christian. I am a Mormon. My belief in the universality of God's love for all of us is at the heart of my feelings towards women. Women are of equal importance to and garner the same love from our Heavenly Father. (period)

Truly, it was the crowning creation of woman that preceded the pronouncement from God of "very good" (Genesis 1:31). And thus it is, as two parties of equal importance before the Lord, male and female stand together in love. For "neither is the man without the woman, neither the woman without the man, in the Lord" (1Corinthians 11:11).

For some reason, people will say that Mormon's are anti-women. There are women leaders, there are women addresses at General Conference and there is the oldest women's organization in the country--all right within the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. In 1869 Brigham Young didn't say that women were to stay bare foot and pregnant. He not only included them in voting but said,

“We believe that women are useful, not only to sweep houses, wash dishes, make beds, and raise babies, but that they should stand behind the counter, study law or physic, or become good bookkeepers and be able to do the business in any counting house, and all this to enlarge their sphere of usefulness for the benefit of society at large.” (Journal of Discourses, v.13, p.61) (And by the way, Mr. Young was one of the foremost advocates for women's suffrage.)

In modern times, the late prophet Gordon B. Hinckley, former President of the LDS Church said the following to a body of men,

"The women in our lives are creatures endowed with particular qualities, divine qualities, which cause them to reach out in kindness and with love to those about them. We can encourage that outreach if we will give them opportunity to give expression to the talents and impulses that lie within them. In our old age my beloved companion said to me quietly one evening, 'You have always given me wings to fly, and I have loved you for it.'" ("Women in Our Lives," Ensign, Nov 2004)

And there is my dream. Not to have someone who will be the wings beneath my wings or someone who will stand back and watch me fly, but someone who will soar with me and make me realize that together, we can go farther and higher and faster than alone.

Can we do better at expressing our love and appreciation for women as a society, a church and individuals? Of course!

Are there some men who feel above due to ecclesiastical responsibilities or misinterpretations what it means to "preside?" Yes!

But let us remember that if we raise our voices for "equality," that it is the right tone and the right venue. And let us never forget that gender roles are an essential characteristic to the plan of happiness. In "The Family: A Proclamation to the World" the leaders of the LDS church have said, "By divine design, fathers are to preside over their families in love and righteousness...Mothers are primarily responsible for the nurture of their children. In these sacred responsibilities, fathers and mothers are obligated to help one another as equal partners." Not one before the other in importance or love--but together "in the Lord." Chivalry should not be dead, NOR should the supporting care of true ladies. Too many feminists take extreme stances which blind their rational reasoning and disparagingly disgrace genders in general (+3x2).

So why was I against the pants movement? Because I'm against anything that distracts from the purpose of going to church (worship) and I am against that which teaches or even begins to lead others contrary to true doctrine. This movement did both. (Argue as you will, but you are wrong. Read the organizers' blogs and remember at where the "protest" took place.)

That being said, any who layered their hearts with hatred towards those who adorned pants, stand as towering Babels who constitute the very counter-culture that has crushed the chips of charity, which those who feel discriminated against were hoping to discover in a doctoring of dress.

So to any offended by any personally negative comments I may have made regarding the individuals involved in this initiative (+3+'in' bonus), I offer my apologies that was wrong of me. For any offended by my stance on this issue, there are no apologies to be found here.

And to any who are thinking about coming to church remember: ALL are welcome; but please check your politics at the door...a door hopefully being held open by a gentleman.

5 Lessons I Learned from a Role-Reversal Rendezvouz

2012-12-17T15:44:00.001-07:00

Date role reversals can be awkward...but fun!

Recently, I got an interesting proposition...to have a role-reversal rendezvous. I wouldn't plan, pay, open doors...or even drive. #awk #butsurprisinglynot (I still don't really see a good use for hashtags... #notmygeneration #feelingoldat26 #maybeiamold #mold? #distracted #maybeihaveAD... #acloseparenthesismark) (#usedthatjokelastyear #stillfunnythisyear #andyouredone #ANYhoooo).

Richelle, who has a great dating blog, thought it would be a really fun experiment, so off we went into the world of phedudemasculinishizationary fun! (Read her thoughts on the same date here)

THE ASK

She had emailed me a while ago asking me what I thought and I was all for it (besides the girlfriend, but then a breakup, then a girlfriend...then breakup). So after a call and short convo, she told me she was going to take me to dinner and an outdoor activity, so I should dress warm.

Lesson One: Always tell a girl what type of clothing to wear, but never what to wear. Dress warm? Wear BYU Blue? Classy? And don't drag on the 'ask out' convo. Leave some small talk for the car ride.

THE PICK UP

Okay, girls, i don't know how you do this! I was worried about being ready too soon, too early, maybe I wasn't dressed right, even though she told me to dress warm. I got ready early because I was nervous and ended up playing the computer in Risk for an hour.

Lesson Two: Just be there when you say you are going to be there and give a little call when you are on your way.

THE DRIVING

What in the world do you guys do after the guy opens your door and walks to his?????? SOOOOOOOOOOO weird. I just took a looooooong time to put on my seatbelt to occupy myself. Then, I didn't have a steering wheel to drum on or anything. Had NO IDEA what to do with my hands. And what about car culture? Am I allowed to put my feet on the dash as a joke? Can I change the music? Does she use the arm rest for her elbow while driving?

Lesson Three: Driving all around on dates is worth the gas money to avoid looking as awkward as I probably did on the date.

THE PAYING

HOW do you order at a restaurant? That is so hard! You don't want to go too cheap because you don't want them to think you think they are poor, not too expensive and don't want to match them exactly so they don't think you over-thought it. (Because why would I ever over-think ANYthing on a date...?) I chickend out...I told her to order for me. And she, not accidentally, ordered me, the chicken...well done. Then after dinner, she took me on a horse and carriage ride. A friggn' horse and carriage ride! The carriage was waiting in a parking lot near the restaurant right when we got out. Super impressed with how planned it was.

Lesson Four: Give the girl a few options of things you might recommend in a price range you feel comfortable with so she has an idea. And PLAN SOMETHING! I cannot tell you how many of you guys are RUINING OUR REPUTATION when you pick a girl up for a date and ask her what she wants to do. If you don't have ANY kind of plan, then you don't like her enough to take her out. Either that, or you are too boring to think of something and shouldn't procreate. Either way, don't do it.

THE END...?

What is up with the end of a date? When do you end it? How do you end it? If you are having a good time, do you stop it there and wait to see what happens, do you keep going to another activity when the one that you planned ends early? It is that tough '9:45 and there is nothing else left solidly planned because everything went faster than expected' moment.

Lesson Five: Always have a few 20-min activities in the car such as Pass the Pig a deck of cards...or just a good "get to know you" music mix. I find Taylor Olson's music great for that.

Overall, I learned that it is harder to be asked out and go on a date than I thought. You are essentially putting your life in the hands of a complete stranger. But hey, the human race has been doing it for at least a few years now and we are still all alive, so if it ain't broke--fix it 'till it is.

My Unedited Thoughts on the "Women Wearing Pants" "Movement"

2012-12-12T20:51:00.000-07:00

It is dumb.

If church is your political podium, you're campaigning for the wrong guy.

And for the first time in my life, I feel I've said more than enough.

EDITOR'S NOTE:

After posting this, I was called an a-hole. A misogynistic a-hole, in fact. I'm not sure what constitutes that in the post, but really, I'm fine with people protesting and I'm all about equal rights (ECBrown may deny this), but I'm not going to support some destructive liberal agenda to remove gender roles from the equation and I will never support any "protest" during a service dedicated to worship. If believing in The Family: A Proclamation to the World and the importance of the Sacrament make me a misogynistic a-hole, then I am a stinky woman-hater.

And listen...if it were guys wearing red shirts to church before elections, I'd disagree just as much. Again, I don't disagree with the principle of voice--simply the venue.

A Letter to the Girl Who Never Was Mine

2012-12-11T22:02:00.000-07:00

To the Girl Who Never Was Mine,

Okay, so I'm pretty sure you don't know who you are and would never think that I could justify an entire post just about you on this blog. And maybe it is the fact that in a few hours it will be 12:12 on 12/12/12 and the end of the world thing is just around the corner...but alas, here we are.

Let me just say to you what most girls I've dated have expected me to say: I'm pretty sure I messed things up.

A few years ago when we met, I think you had a crush on me and for the next couple of years, we went on being friends and I never actually asked you out. Then, when I did, I think we were too good of friends to actually have you still be interested in me. Maybe it was our long runs when you saw me sweaty and panting like an overweight recent college grad who thinks he 'works too much to work out' or maybe it was the conversations about how i messed up other relationships or maybe it was just....no...those two things probably cover it.

Let me just explain one thing, the reason I didn't ask you out until it was too late is because I think that you deserve better.

I wasn't sure how you felt, but I wanted to make sure that I was in a place where I could give you my whole heart. And maybe I didn't make room fast enough, or maybe I was too scared to do so sooner--but either way, I'm sorry. I weighed my risk vs. reward and miscalculated. As William G.T. Shedd would have said if he bought iPad board game apps, "Troops are safe in Australia, but that's not what troops are for."

I wish I could tell you this and maybe give us a chance...but my advances have been pushed back like a bad toss of the dice in Risk (I've really got to stop playing that game).

So for a periphery potential of partnership, I'm pathetically posting this presumptuous proposition that you perhaps may peruse this pontification, and give pause to a plight of a man prepared for a planned, paid for and paired off appointment (+16.5).

But if not, then know how grateful I am for our friendship and know that you and my wife I'm sure will be great friends one day. After all, we probably will bump into each other taking over the world (sorry, that sadly was actually another Risk reference).

Sincerely Yours,

The Guy that Never Was...

P.S. To all who may come across this can i just say, ask her out. Not the girl I'm trying to ask out, of course...but that girl who is amazing that you are holding off on asking out. Just do it. Promise, better to live with the regret of rejection than the resignation of renouncement (+4).

Three Types of Ex's gone Friend

2012-11-27T15:06:00.001-07:00

"I think you're great. Seriously one of the best guy's I've ever dated. I can see you for real marriage potential........just not for me. But I don't want to lose you from my life! Can we stay friends?"

Heard that one before? What you call a breakup, I used to call Monday nights (now Sunday, thanks to this post).

From my observation of dating, I have realized that when someone breaks up with you and you decide to stay "friends," there are three main outcomes:

1) The Cool Friend

You may have been friends first, tried to date and it didn't work, so now you are back to friends. You can double with them, set them up and maybe even kiss a year or two later just to make sure there is no spark. They are your "wet keg of gunpowder" (as someone once called me). One of my best friends in the world is now married and I was even one of her groomsmen (okay...so maybe I was her self-proclaimed groomsman...but still).

Be grateful. You have come across a rarity. Just be sure to balance them with your actual boy/girlfriend.

2) The Pool Friend

You smile at pool parties, but try to not talk and always try to look like you're having more fun than you are to make sure they see and get a little sad when they leave and jealous when you see them talking with someone else. You don't want them to know you are bitter, so instead of unfriending them, you unfollow all of their Facebook activity. You always say you can be friends, but in the end, you just want them to die. Not literally (...but literally).

Don't worry, it wears off. A good remedy--go to the hot tub.

3) The Fool Friend

If you were honest with yourself, you would realize that you would rather be their friend in hopes that they will come around than move on. Well, love is NOT always worth it. Remember, there is a line where love meets self-dignity and it is THERE you must make your stand.

If this is you, you have run up to that line, ignored the invisible (yet inevitable) fence and are attributing your heart's shock to the pittance of hope in a future, then free yourself!

So with your exes...if they are a cool friend, be grateful; if they are a pool friend, go hottubbing; if they are a fool friend...don't make a public Facebook post explaining your stalking. Please.

...but if you do, let me know for sure.

Halloween GOP

2012-10-31T10:16:00.003-06:00

Hope you have wonderful and pastellulous Halloween. And remember children, just because you aren't going to dress like who you are doesn't mean that you shouldn't remember who you are.

Vote Zombenie/Dyan!