You can resolve "offences" with peace and confidence.

Q: Bullied for Over a Year (Submitted by Susan):

I have been bullied for over one year now. Rumors and lies follow me at church but I will not leave. I believe God put me there for a reason and despite everything, I love my church. I know who is behind the bullying and yes, it hurts. It is painful and leaves its own kind of scars, but I am strong. The bullying consists of sending out emails that are filthy…spoofing my address so that church members actually believe I did this. My friends are being targeted and I am being isolated. It is okay. I serve a God who sees and hears. I trust He will use this for good.

A: The Two Absolute Rules for Resolving Offences

Susan, I’m really sorry to hear about this, and I appreciate you posting this here.

Good for you for putting your relationship with God—and your ability to stay and influence change for good—above the personal hurt you feel!

May I offer a couple of suggestions? These come from my life in the LDS church (Mormons) and also as a executive coach. The following two principles have a huge impact on our own sense of peace—and they are powerful for influencing others around us.

Rule 1) Carefully clarify before reaching ANY negative conclusion.

Look for ALL the possible explanations for why something is happening, then keep looking if your conclusion is negative. If it’s still negative, ask them to make sure you got it right.

In my experience, a negative conclusion (about what someone did or why they did it) is wrong 95% of the time because of the fundamental attribution error we all tend to make. We are too unimaginative about other people’s motives or the realities of a situation, but we usually give ourselves the benefit of the doubt. I teach this principle all the time and I STILL find myself making this mistake, especially when emotion is involved.

Hypocrisy or Something Else?

In 1999, I attended a regional conference in Nashville, TN with a non-LDS friend (“Dandy” Bandy) who was interested in the LDS Church. Elder Erying (an LDS Apostle) spoke. Afterwards I asked Dandy how he liked it. He said it was a good experience, but Elder Eyring’s actions during the closing prayer bothered him. “I don’t know what made me do it, but for some reason I opened my eyes during the prayer and saw him on the stand, shuffling his papers with his eyes open, like he wasn’t paying attention at all.” I assured Dandy that I knew Elder Eyring was a man of God from recent, personal, life-changing experience with him, I was 100% certain there was an excellent explanation, and I explained this principle. Neither of us could figure out a likely reason, however, and the conversation moved on. (Dandy joined the Church soon afterwards.)

A decade later I told that story to Steve Montrose, an LDS friend and business associate. As his business coach, I was helping him look at a thorny business problem involving someone else’s actions. Steve said, “I can’t think of a good reason for Elder Eyring to be doing that either. I’d sure like to know why it happened.” Steven wasn’t judging or concerned, he was just puzzled. I assured him that there was a good reason, Steve agreed, and we moved on. I may have offered a short prayer after that, asking for insight to understand, but I soon forgot about the conversation.

The Inspired Answer

A week later, I sat in an inspiring stake leadership meeting like the one I attended in 1999 with Dandy. During the closing prayer, while my mind was focused on the prayer, an impression suddenly flooded into my mind, giving me an answer (and counsel to pass on) about the problem Steve Montrose faced. I silently expressed appreciation for the insight and continued listening to the prayer. The Spirit whispered, “write the impression down.” I agreed to do it after the prayer, and I continued listening to the prayer with my eyes closed. “Write it down NOW!” insisted the Spirit.

“Ahhhhh,” I thought as I opened my eyes, shuffled through my papers to find my notebook, and recorded the impression during the prayer. I was experiencing the likely reason for Elder Eyring’s actions a decade before. Two answers had come in one experience.

Only now, as I write this, do I also realize that during that very conference, Elder Eyring had been teaching us the importance of recording our spiritual impressions and acting on them right away, the instant they come to us! It appears that Elder Eyring actually practices what he preaches, and the Lord is more concerned with us recording and acting on the whisperings of the still, small voice than He is concerned about closing our eyes and bowing our heads during every prayer.

“For it is the Spirit that giveth life and not the letter; yea, the letter killeth.” (From memory via Elder Packer, 1980 or 1981 Conference talk. Let me know if you find the reference.)

My Not-So-Important Theory about Your Bullying

P.S. The important part is above, focus on that. However, “lest we should offend them” (Matthew 17:27), here is my favorite possible explanation for the “bullying” you experienced:

• A computer virus started it. The emails you describe exactly match the behavior of many viruses that infect computers nowadays. Your computer does not need to be infected. The spoofing usually takes place on someone else’s computer and uses their address list, so it looks like the filthy messages (advertising to a virus-infected site) came from you. This subtle approach makes it harder for people to find the infected computer and fix the problem, making further infections more likely. So make sure you carefully clarify before reaching a negative “bullying” conclusion!

Rule 2) Follow the inspired pattern for resolving offences.

The Lord and his servants are so smart! Whether in church or in business, the only right way to resolve a problem like this is found in DC 42:88-93 (and less perfectly recorded in Matthew 18:15-17):

88 And if thy brother or sister offend thee, thou shalt take him or her between him or her and thee alone; and if he or she confess thou shalt be reconciled.

89 And if he or she confess not thou shalt deliver him or her up unto the church, not to the members, but to the elders. And it shall be done in a meeting, and that not before the world.

90 And if thy brother or sister offend many, he or she shall be chastened before many.

91 And if any one offend openly, he or she shall be rebuked openly, that he or she may be ashamed. And if he or she confess not, he or she shall be delivered up unto the law of God.

92 If any shall offend in secret, he or she shall be rebuked in secret, that he or she may have opportunity to confess in secret to him or her whom he or she has offended, and to God, that the church may not speak reproachfully of him or her.

93 And thus shall ye conduct in all things.

Follow the Steps in Order

This is an important, powerful principle in business and in any organization:

1. Talk to that person first in a non-confrontational way. Listen. “First seek to understand.” (Covey)
2. Ask nicely for what you’d like, patiently.
3. If you don’t get satisfaction, take it to your mutual leader (manager, bishop, etc.)
4. The leader should ask the THREE of you to discuss it together, with a lot of listening.
5. If you can’t get satisfaction there, escalate further up the chain, involving everyone involved so far.
6. Keep the conversations confidential among the participants, on a need-to-know basis only.

Any Other Approach Will Do Damage

Examples of well-intentioned but very damaging approaches people sometimes try:

1. Going to the leader first. This will waste a lot of time, it may prejudice the leader or bishop against them, because neither of you will have all the information you need to get a good resolution. If you try this, a wise leader/bishop will teach the principles in this section and send you back to discuss with the other party first, reassuring you that if you can’t get a good resolution, you should come back to the leader and the three of you will resolve it together. (Exception: In cases of abuse or danger to you or others, get an empowered authority figure involved first so everyone stays safe. However, that authority needs to do a lot of non-judgmental listening first, before offering correction.)
2. The leader or bishop takes it to the other person for you. This will create bad feelings between everyone, including the other person and the leader! Why? This prevents two-way communication between you and the person who may have offended you. That communication is crucial for becoming “of one heart, and one mind,” which is essential for teamwork and a Zion people. This approach also takes incomplete, negative conclusions to the second person without allowing them to clarify, so the second person will feel unfairly judged (rightly so) by both the leader and the person who felt offended in the first place.
3. The leader or bishop takes it to the other person confidentially, without disclosing who you are. This is the worst of all. In addition to all the problems of #2, the second person now feels like “anyone or everyone” in the organization could have a negative opinion of them, with no way to resolve it. This creates a hostile environment overall, so expect morale to plummet.

Don’t go there. Instead, carefully or prayerfully consider a good way to discuss the situation with them. Then ask for their perspective in a relaxed way. Honestly listen. Reconsider your assumptions. You’ll almost always be reconciled. If not, THEN go to the leader and ask for a 3-way to resolve it.

The 95% Rule

And remember that 95% of the time, it’s not going to be nearly as bad as you thought. Things are usually far more positive than we first imagine with limited information.

- Kevin Crenshaw

Image: Ambro / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Disclaimer: I’m not trying to prove religion by appealing to science. That would just as absurd as trying to prove science via a public opinion poll. I’m also not “speculating.” In my experience, “spiritual” truths are known by revelation and only by revelation, from God to us, and in no other way. I share this as my way of getting a better handle on patterns and parallels I think I see. By discussing and pondering these things, “studying them out in your mind,” I’ve found that it opens the door to further light and knowledge, if we are willing to ask, especially as it relates to principles of life and salvation.

With that in mind, here is my reply to a recent letter from my daughter.

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Dad,

Can you send me the link to the article on gravity and intelligence that you mentioned the other day? I’m having a blast talking with my roommate’s brother about scientific experiments (string theory, quantum physics, etc) and the gravity thing came up.

Remind me next time I call to tell you about fractal theory as it relates to evolution and about matter acting like a wave at low temperatures.

Laura.

==========

Laura,

Here it is: http://www.sciencenews.org/view/feature/id/63190/title/A_New_View_of_Gravity

The real insight that came to me from this relates to the nature of any eternal existence of intelligent beings.

This requires some backround first. I’m sorry, I don’t have time to arrange these better, so they may come across as scattered thoughts. Forgive the incomplete and scattered nature of these ideas. I gather them here so someone can come along later and pursue this line of thought further.

Entropy and Intelligence

This Science News article begins to decribe entropy in terms of information theory (see http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Information_theory, there is that word “entropy” again), and that has interesting implications about eternal existence. This new theory of gravity seems to emerge naturally when information theory and entropy are considered re: the amount of information present in the universe itself, as if the universe is a giant quantum computer.

Consider information and intelligence. “Intelligence” cannot be created or made, it is as eternal as matter (D&C 93: 29, D&C 93: 33). “Intelligences” are discrete, they are conscious, and they are, in part, collectors of information (Abr. 3: 18-19, 21-22, D&C 93: 29-30, 36). “Conscious” seems to me to mean that they have agency to act upon that information and therefore gather and create more information. “Agency” is an aspect of intelligence which is fundamental to its existence or continuance (D&C 93: 30). where “intelligence” is defined as the “light of truth,” (D&C 93: 29-30, 36) “light” is identified with “whatsoever doth make manistest” (Eph. 5: 13, see also http://scriptures.lds.org/en/dc/88/11-13#7), and “truth” which is “knowledge of things as they are, and as they were, and as they are to come” (D&C 93: 24). “Agency” is essentially the capacity of an intelligence to act independently, for itself, and interact with other intelligences and matter/energy. Note that by this definition, “truth” has no existence without something to “know” or discern it. Reality “is,” but truth has to be “known”–it is something that makes no sense except in the context of an “intelligence” to measure and record it.

Truth and information are therefore similar, connected, or synonymous, at least within our 4-dimensional universe. Intelligences and information are therefore connected, and you could think of entropy as it relates to systems of intelligences.

An Ideal, Most-Harmonious Existence

Therefore, this was the realization that came about all these things: A “celestial” existence in LDS theology could be viewed as analogous to the lowest-possible entropy existence for an expanding system of “intelligent” beings. (See Wikipedia “Entropy” article: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Entropy.) You have the most information about the state of that “system” or “sociality” (you can predict its state and future with the most precision), it is the most highly ordered, therefore you can rely on its future state and you can accomplish the most “work” with it, as opposed to any other system or mode of interaction of intelligences. In other words, all other modes of interaction (“kingdoms,” see D&C 88: 21, 36, 38) of intelligent beings are less ordered, less harmonious, less “information”-capable, and less capable of doing effective “work” because of the very nature of the types of interactions they engage in (their modes of expressing their “agency”). Therefore they are “weaker.” The less compliant we are with eternal law, the higher the entropy, the less information you have about the system, the less you can rely on it, so the “weaker “it is in comparison to other socialities.

Relationship to Entropy (or Disharmony)

It seems to me that therefore, it might even be possible to prove mathematically (since the second law of thermodynamics is simply mathematics), that in harmony with that law there is a minimum-entropy condition for an expanding (increasing in number) sociality of intelligences (analogous to a system of particles) that are capable of interacting in certain, defined ways. Such a state must inevitably have well-defined laws or rules about what interactions may take place which ones do not (because those interactions would increase the entropy). We could call those “commandments.” To ensure that entropy remains stable and constant, this system must act somewhat like a self-contained, isolated system (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Isolated_system) in at least some ways–other intelligences would not be able to enter it at will without increasing the entropy of the system. Intelligences within it would need to act in harmony with those laws of minimal entropy or they could not remain; otherwise, the existence would be disrupted, entropy would increase, information reduce, and the state “sociality” would become weaker.

Mortality allows us to learn from our own experience, the good from the evil. Note that this experience is collective and not just individual. (I can learn from Hitler’s mistakes without making them myself.) Based on that, we can also see from long human experience that kingdoms divided within are weaker than kingdoms which are not divided (Matt. 12: 25).

The Actual Nature of the Celestial Kingdom

We know some things about how intelligences interact in a Celestial existence. It is absolutely separate and distinct from other kingdoms (D&C 76: 112) based on whether or not the intelligences within it comply with the laws that define it (D&C 88: 21-25, 36, 38, 78). They are of “one heart and one mind” (Moses 7: 18), they interact and exert influence “without compulsory means” (D&C 121: 46), and there is maximum sharing of information among them (2 Ne. 30: 17, D&C 130: 10), and in fact they have access to all possible information, past, present, and future (D&C 130: 7). “Knowledge is power” Joseph Smith said, and “A man is saved no faster than he gets knowledge, for if he does not get knowledge, he will be brought into captivity by some evil power in the other world.” All this reinforces the concept that a celestial existence is eternally stable because it is internally sound, strong, and harmonious as possible. “Never-ending happiness” (Mosiah 2: 39, 41) is an essential part of such an existence, probably and precisely because of the incredible harmony that exists there. What causes the unhappiness in this world? Think of something that causes it, then ask yourself if that cause can’t be classified as disorder, disharmony, and/or lack of truth and intelligence. In a word, “entropy.”

Tying It All Together

The plan of salvation therefore, mathematically speaking, could be viewed as the plan which makes it possible for intelligences to collectively group and function in the highest-possible-harmony (lowest-possible-entropy) state. All non-celestial existences (all other possible socialities) are less ordered, higher entropy, and inherently socially weaker.

“Thought Experiment”

There are a lot of conjectures here, nothing here is rigorous, but a physics-like thought experiment is interesting here. Since there are different social states for intelligent beings with various degrees of harmony and “entropy,” there must be one which is most harmonous, lowest entropy, highest work potential, most stable, so it would not be at “risk” or danger from any other sociality because if its strength. Suppose (hypothetically) that such a maximally-strong sociality met another maximally-strong sociality. Is there a risk of clash? No. They would discover that they were the same (founded on the same laws and principles), so they would be perfectly harmonious together–one and the same–so they would effectively be united already, therefore they were not really different in the first place, so there is no threat. Therefore, a minimum entropy celestial existence would be stable and never at risk from another “kingdom” of any kind.

Dad

P.S. Consider also these verses of scripture in light of the laws and principles above: D&C 88: 40 (“intelligence cleaveth unto intelligence”). D&C 130: 18-19 (princples of intelligence we attain unto in this life remain with us), etc.

P.P.S. Interesting note. The concept of a harmonious sociality that is stronger than all other possible societies was discussed by Isaac Asimov (a strong atheist) in his book Foundation and Earth. Though I dislike his portrayal of it, some elements of his utopian society do parallel those of a celestial or terrestrial existence.

In a fun-to-read blog article, Darth Vader (Star Wars) and Samantha Carter (Stargate TV series) conspire to destroy the solar system.

The result: A paradox.

But actually, not. There is no paradox, and the reasons have profound spiritual implications. Don’t believe it? Read the article (and my reply!) to see if you agree: Count Infinity: It Never Happened

Astonishingly, amidst all the downed infrastructure, we got a brief message from him Saturday afternoon, then another one this morning asking us to call him, as he had permission to call family. We did so, and here is a summary of his report, to the best of my memory.

Reality “On the Ground” the First Night

Elder Jason Crenshaw and his missionary companion, Elder Mark Roberts, were awakened by the shaking around 3:30 am and immediately ran outside their one-story cement-based home. Standing was impossible. They sat on the ground, which shook side-to-side and then in circular motion, but not up-and-down. It seemed to him that the worst shaking lasted 5 minutes, but then it continued at a lesser intensity, nonstop, for a total of around 33 minutes.

During it all, the earth made deep groaning noises, and repeatedly made a sound: “like a dog makes when it half-barks and half-bites you; imagine that sound, only being made by a huge monster, over and over.”

When the initial shaking subsided, they looked around, and their newer, concrete structures were unaffected, so they mostly felt amazement at what they had experienced. They then began searching through the city of Talca. Their amazement turned to distress as they realized that the numerous adobe buildings had collapsed, burying people and belongings. People lay dead in the streets. The city center had, indeed collapsed as reported by the news. I reassured him that it was largely uninhabited, because they were business buildings (as the news reported), but he corrected me. “Every one of those businesses had a home on top of it.” He said that initial reports were that at least 170 people had died when the city center buildings fell.

The First Day, Unrest Begins

That first night was a distressing, but the next day, hunger began setting in among the residents and looting spread. “Crime has skyrocketed: violent crime, non-violent crime, petty crime. People are breaking into buildings and looting them whether or not anyone lives there.” Helping others unbury their houses was difficult because of the non-stop aftershocks, 15 of which were huge magnitude 7.0+ earthquakes [he probably meant 6.0] in their own right in the 50-60 hours since that first shock. This has made it difficult and dangerous to sift through rubble to find or help people.

Their own home was undamaged, so they opened it up to someone who lost his house, and were planning on going to help him sift through the rubble for anything useful as soon as it was safe enough to venture in. “We hope nobody has looted his house yet.”

The Second Night

By nightfall, the looting became serious. They could hear shouts, “a few gun shots,” tumult, and clashes. “Fifty alarms were going non-stop from stores, banks, cars, and other places.” “It sounded like a war.” Their now-homeless friend, sharing their home, had been in war, and he said this was a good analogy, but with one difference. “In war, you know that when you cross a certain line or reach a certain place, you are safe. Here, that isn’t true.”

“Nobody has slept here in two days,” he said. “It’s impossible with all the noise, tumult, and aftershocks.” “It seems like there are more aftershocks at night than during the day.”

Current Status and Concerns

Jason assured us that they are all right, the local Church members are diligently watching out for them. We reassured him that all LDS missionaries are accounted for and safe. This was news to him, and he welcomed it because he was concerned about one of his former companions in particular.

He was most concerned about Dichato, where he had served before, because he was sure that the high ground where they usually run wasn’t high enough for this tsunami, Dichato is built on a bay, which concentrates and magnifies the height of the waves. “A very reliable source” in Chile indicated that a 40-foot tourist attraction rock in another city, Constitucion, was washed over by the tsunami. That source (a local radio station that does not broadcast reports until verified) also mentioned that the sea town of Constitucion had been wiped out. The station had sent someone to drive there and survey the damage directly before issuing the report. Jason was hesitant to accept the official government figures of deaths and destruction, certain that officials were keeping the reports low to break bad news slowly.

Jason’s greatest concern was the current lack of food and fresh water for the city in general. The missionaries are mostly OK: they had been provisioned with a small-but-effective 200-gallon water purifier two months ago (“somebody clearly had some advance inspiration, because they gave us these at a Zone Conference”); LDS members were the best-prepared of the citizens, and the members watch over the missionaries zealously. However, the general lack of food was causing desperation and civil deterioration. He hopes that food and water are coming soon, or it is going to be a very bad situation. However, most north-south travel is cut off due to collapsed bridges and damaged roads, which was a great concern.

These are his feelings and reports, and what he is hearing there in the midst of everything. Regardless of the overall reality, uncertainty and fear among the people is a part of the calamity they are enduring. They need our prayers.

We will keep you posted as we learn more from him.

Our discussion started because of this tragic article (caution: some PG-13 content). Some people commented that not only was the bullying a problem, but Brodie’s handling of the bullying was a big issue. Who was watching out for her? Was she ever taught to be assertive? Why was she so emotionally vulnerable?

A Christ-Centered Response

My children did get some bullying in public schools, but they got detailed, careful training from me on how to handle it without resorting to bullying themselves or being stepped on too badly.

Where did I learn those skills? By being bullied myself in junior high and high school in public schools, and most importantly, by getting careful coaching from my father.

I was a year younger that the other kids, and young-looking anyway, and reasonably smart. Not a winning combination. My father was a 4th degree black belt, and he taught me some basic self defense, but that really wasn’t what helped me, at least not alone. The empowering principle for me was found in the teachings of Christ. My father taught me to defend myself a little bit (maybe), but then taught me that turning the other cheek was of paramount importance. He taught me that there are highly-specific, divine promises attached to obeying that commandment (some of which are specific to LDS doctrine as far as I know), and I sensed that he was right.

It was therefore a choice I made, a gift to the other person: “love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you and … despitefully use you, and persecute you, that ye may be the children of your Father which is in heaven.”  I always thought that phrase “the children of your Father” was just a nice way of saying “be like Him,” but I am now convinced it refers to much more than that: specific, precious blessings that are often overlooked but clearly promised.

Friends Instead of Enemies

During this time, a new kid showed up on the bus and (meanacingly) told me to tie his shoe for him, because I had untied it. I calmly told him that I hadn’t untied it, and I wouldn’t tie it for him, he could do it himself. He told me that if I didn’t tie it he was going to beat me up when I got off the bus. I declined respectfully, without cowering.

When I got off the bus, he got off too, and started to count to ten, loudly explaining that when he reached “10″ he was going to pulverize me. All the other kids were watching. I walked slowly and deliberately, at a normal pace, not responding to the threats. (All of this came from a combination of the above teaching by my father.) Finally, I heard him running closer and closer, but I held my course. Then the running stopped and I braced myself to be hit. Nothing happened, and I kept walking, not daring to look back.

A minute later I found him walking next to me. “What’s your name?” he asked. He said he was Scott, and he asked where I lived. I pointed vaguely in the direction of home. He said he lived that way too, he had just moved in, and he wondered if I played basketball. I said I did, but not very well. He then stunned me by inviting me to his house to shoot hoops with him. That was the start of a long and good friendship. (I just reconnected with Scott via social media after all these years.)

I am so glad I responded that way instead of choosing some other approach. Thank you, Dad!

So, in school, I was bullied a lot psychologically, but I learned to handle it, and today I’m actually grateful for it! (I learned to spot the underdog, to understand their feelings, and to reach out to help them out.)

I was only actually hit twice, and I deserved it both times (I had acted in a way that was inconsistent with the principles I had been taught by verbally assaulting the other person, so they retaliated). Several times I ended up being friends with the other kid. They were trying to fit in in the best way they knew how at the time. I’m betting they even totally forgot about their bullying over time.

Bullying and Harassment Even at Church?

My friend wanted to know especially about bullying at LDS schools. We really don’t have LDS denominational schools except at the college level, not in the US anyway, so I couldn’t help him much there. However, I have seen youth taunt each other at Church (it happened to my wife a lot growing up, and she didn’t attend for two years in part because of that).

As a leader, what do you do when youth harass each other at Church?

It’s simple. You have the responsibility to make sure that everyone feels safe at church, all the time. You cannot allow it to continue. Period.

And how to you do that without creating a bigger problem yourself? How do you intervene in a Christlike manner? It’s easier than it sounds when you have the right plan. I recommend these six steps:

1. Teach the principles. Principles and well-taught doctrines affect behavior more powerfully than rules.
2. Resolve to make sure the harassment stops. Decide right now that you are not going to let it continue, no matter what it takes.
3. Start small. Use the smallest possible bandage to cover the wound, no larger, no smaller, but the bleeding must stop. Simply stopping and looking at the offender may work at first, or stepping towards two people that are having a problem. Then back away if it has stopped.
4. Keep it positive, but escalate as needed. If it continues (that time or over days or weeks), escalate your intervention by stopping and saying their name gently. Wait until the misbehavior stops. Repeat as needed, and clarify the problem only if necessary. Remember: least effort possible, but it has to stop. Avoid embarrassing them if possible.
5. Never yield. The perpetrators must never get the reward from this behavior, so make sure, with iron resolve, that you don’t let them win at the game of intimidating others. This rule is absolute, so escalate as needed until the behavior stops.
6. Always keep your response Christlike. You can’t do the Lord’s work with Satan’s tools. While being firm, cover your steel hand liberally with velvet.

For the Strength of Youth teaches these standards clearly to the young people. This is a great resource to use as you emphasize this st Church:

Show interest in others and let them know you care about them. Treat everyone with kindness and respect. Go out of your way to be a friend to those who are shy or do not feel included.

Use language that uplifts, encourages, and compliments others. Do not insult others or put them down, even in joking. Speak kindly and positively about others so you can fulfill the Lord’s commandment to love one another.

A Last-Ditch Escalation Example: When Things Get Really Bad

Even when things get really bad, you have options. My son got harassed mercilessly by one young man at Church that nobody knew how to deal with–leaders included. All the smaller escalations had failed to stop the problem.

My son finally begged me to let him punch the kid (something John had never done to anyone before), but I told him he couldn’t do that, it was inappropriate. John said: “Then what do I do! I can’t take this any more!!!” I could see in his eyes that he was telling the truth.

In a moment of (I think) true inspiration, I pointed out that the young man really liked WWF wrestling. John agreed. I pointed out that John had learned some real wrestling skills. “Ask that boy to stop. Tell him that he has to stop. Make sure you ask him, clearly and respectfully, at least three times. Then, if he doesn’t stop, do a takedown without hurting him or getting angry, pin him to the ground in front of everyone, and hold him there until he agrees to leave you alone.”

It wasn’t long before the whole scene played itself out. The kid flailed around wildly, to no avail. He could not get free. A lot of the youth were watching. The young man was mortified, but he finally agreed to leave John alone, and John let him up. That boy never, ever bothered John again, and they didn’t become enemies.

Jacob,

You asked for my “best advice” on your 19th birthday as you prepare to leave on your mission. Here it is:

1) A copy of a letter I recently wrote to Jason on his mission,
2) A book,
3) A few supplemental comments,
4) One more book, and
5) One final comment.

I hope this will help in your “quest of a lifetime” that will only end when we meet before the Lord at that great and last day. (See Boyd K. Packer, “Introduction,” Endowed from on High: Temple Preparation Seminar Teacher’s Manual, iv.)

I know that if you will follow this advice the Lord will bless you with “exceeding great and precious” blessings.

Kevin Crenshaw

The Letter

The best advice always comes from through and from the Holy Spirit. Everyone needs something different. The Spirit can tell us precisely what we need. The question is, will we listen? Will we obey? (Will we “hearken?”)

With that in mind, I start with a letter I recently wrote to my son Jason on his mission.

Jason,

You wrote:

“I know what you mean about humility. My mission has already been a very humbling experience. One of the hardest things for me is humbling myself. It’s been hard. It’s easiest for me to fix a problem if I can SEE the progress and track it on a chart. The thing about humility is that it’s not a goal that can be achieved by writing numbers on a chart or watching the progress. The more progress we think we make, or the more humble we think we are, the less progress we’ve actually made. In the end, only the Lord can tell us if we have made an adequate effort in humbling ourselves.”

My Reply:

I guess you’re right about that. I hadn’t thought of it that way before, we can’t really measure it well.

Something occurs to me. When we were in Kentucky, I started doing family history like never before and driving 6 hours to attend the temple weekly. My faith was also strengthened from personal testimonies of people who I knew were receiving great spiritual blessings, and I began asking for spiritual gifts for the right reasons. A flood of spiritual blessings began flowing into my life. The return wasn’t nearly proportional to the effort, it was way beyond the effort once the sacrifice and obedience level was great enough.

Well, the thing I want to share about that is this. During that time and beyond, I began to feel the constant companionship of the Holy Ghost. It was truly as Nephi said, “If ye will enter in by the way and receive the Holy Ghost, it will show you all things what ye should do.” (2 Ne 32:5.) I literally had it given to me, at the very moment, what should be said in difficult interpersonal relationships, or when approaching someone about the gospel. A power far, far beyond my own flowed into my life.

The flip side of that was that when I began to veer off the path, even slightly, I could immediately feel it. If my humility wasn’t quite right before the Lord, I would feel uncomfortable inside. If I persisted I could feel the Spirit begin to grieve and want to leave, taking the tremendous peace with him that he had brought to my life.

I discovered that the true basis of humility is, I believe, seeking the glory of the father and the Son, not my own. Any good thing that happened, I looked to them in my heart and thanked them, acknowledging that they brought it to pass or made it possible for me to do my part. I was continually giving them glory in my heart, though not always vocally as it seemed like “casting pearls before swine” in many instances.

I believe this is the key to our success in this life in anything spiritual, in any Christlike attribute, any godly gift, including humility. Only the Lord knows and can judge if our hearts are right before him, but–and this is huge–he will tell us from moment to moment, like a precision beacon leading us to a distant landing strip, whether we are on that path or not. To receive this blessing (and I think there is almost none greater in this life) we have to pay the price.

A critical part of price is “hungering and thirsting after righteousness” and sacrificing accordingly. Elder Eyring has added that an additional requirement is an undeviating determination to obey the promptings of the Spirit when they come–that is how we get the constant companionship of the Spirit. Fully repenting of all our sins, even those we cannot remember, is another part of the price. Asking the Lord what we have done or left undone that displeases Him, so we can repent immediately, is another part. Scripture study is a part of this and becomes easier once we start down this path.

Once we get the Spirit and follow it undeviatingly, our eternal success is assured. We are blessed with greater joys than we thought possible, which confirms our faith and assures us that we are on that path, and speaks peace to our hearts.

Related scriptures:

“And blessed are all they who do hunger and thirst after righteousness, for they shall be filled with the Holy Ghost.” (3 Nephi 12:6.)

“Repent, therefore, of those things which are not pleasing in my sight, saith the Lord, for the Lord will show them unto you.” (DC 66:3. This verse was a bit hard to find because of the vast number of times that the Lord says something like “I will show it to you” in the scriptures. Interesting to ponder that for a moment….)

“And every one that hearkeneth to the voice of the Spirit cometh unto God, even the Father.” (DC 84:47.)

“That which is of God is light; and he that receiveth light, and continueth in God, receiveth more light; and that light groweth brighter and brighter until the perfect day.” (DC 50:24.)

“But learn that he who doeth the works of righteousness shall receive his reward, even peace in this world, and eternal life in the world to come.” (DC 59:23.)

“Seek not to declare my word, but first seek to obtain my word, and then shall your tongue be loosed; then, if you desire, you shall have my Spirit and my word, yea, the power of God unto the convincing of men.” (DC 11:21.)

“And if your eye be single to my glory, your whole bodies shall be filled with light, and there shall be no darkness in you; and that body which is filled with light comprehendeth all things.
“Therefore, sanctify yourselves that your minds become single to God, and the days will come that you shall see him; for he will unveil his face unto you, and it shall be in his own time, and in his own way, and according to his own will.
“Remember the great and last promise which I have made unto you; cast away your idle thoughts and your excess of laughter far from you.” (DC 88:67-69.)

I believe these promised blessings are well within the reach of all of us if and when we will just follow this path that the Lord has laid out for us.

Love,

Dad

The Book

Read the Book Following the Light of Christ Into His Presence by John M. Pontius. I know that this humble, ordinary man is right.

I am loaning you a copy of this book with this gift of advice. Read it before you go on your mission. (I need that book back!)

The Supplemental Comments

I share these comments because I’m not certain Bro. Pontius explains them adequately. You will probably encounter the following questions and issues as you embark on the journey he maps for you. You must choose correctly or suffer grief-even, perhaps, as the Lord simultaneously blesses you for your willingness to obey, even if your obedience was misdirected!

I hope this will help you enjoy the blessings without the grief.

How do you discern true from false revelation or non-revelation?
When should you obey a prompting?

If there is question whether inspiration is of God or from an uninspired or unworthy source, look before you leap. Nephi did so when facing Laban, sword in hand, and the Spirit painstakingly stepped him through the logic and principles of righteousness regarding what he was being asked to do. (1 Nephi 4:10.) There was no longer any doubt in his mind when he did that difficult thing.

The following standards are not only ways of discerning true from false revelation, they are standards by which inspiration must be interpreted. By applying these additional standards to any impression, the message comes into crystal clear focus, so there is no mistaking!

The standards are:

1)    “All things which are good cometh of God; and that which is evil cometh of the devil.” (Moroni 7:12.) Carefully analyze the good and the evil in the situation.
2)    Revelation to you will never contradict the words of the prophets or the revealed scriptures as interpreted by the prophets.
3)    Obey at the first appropriate moment, no sooner, no later. (Read President Thomas S. Monson: Always “on the Lord’s Errand”. Abraham arose “early the next morning,” which was quickly and diligently, but not immediately, as a three day journey requires some preparation.)
4)    The doctrines of the kingdom are never established by single, isolated pronouncements in obscure places. They are repeated over and over. “In the mouth of two or three witnesses shall every word be established.” (DC 6:28.)
5)    Revelation “by way of commandment” is limited to the boundaries of your stewardship. However, inspiration “by way of wisdom” may come to almost anyone with the spirit of prophecy; in that case it is not binding on the recipient unless they pray and have it confirmed to them, but “a word to the wise is sufficient.” (DC 28:3-6.)
6)    You will not be asked by the Lord to violate the laws of the land. (DC 58:21. Note: Nephi slaying Laban was consistent with local law at the time.)
7)    “In the Church we are not exempt from common sense.” (Packer, Prayers and Answers, Oct 1979 Conference.)
8)    Your bishop and stake president, if they seek it, are entitled to the spirit of discernment. (DC 46:27.) Counsel with them if you are still uncertain. Their direction will be binding eternally on you, so if you follow their counsel when uncertain you need not fear.

The Other Book

I also commend to you the following book:

The Book of Isaiah: A New Translation, with Interpretive Keys from the Book of Mormon, by Avraham Gileadi.

The “New Translation” part you can ignore.

The “Interpretive Keys” will give you precious tools by which your eyes can be better opened to all of the scriptures. They really, mostly, expound the “manner of prophesying among the Jews.” One of those keys mentioned in the Book of Mormon the “spirit of prophecy,” which as you know is “the testimony of Jesus” (2 Nephi 25:1,4; Revelation 19:10.)

The Final Comment

Ask.

The disciples “were given to understand” the parables of Christ, but only after they asked.

I once gave a talk in which I explained the importance of asking, then mentioned an insight that came to me by the Spirit concerning an experience recorded in the scriptures. I did not expand on what the insight was.

Now, to be sure, “that that which cometh from above is sacred, and must be spoken with care, and by constraint of the Spirit” (DC 63:64). However, that same verse makes it clear that such things can be discussed with those who honor them, at the right time, as the Spirit allows, “and in this there is no condemnation.”

In the case of this talk, the Spirit assured me that I could pass on those insights that had come to me, as I understood them, “by way of wisdom,” to anyone that asked me about them.

Only one person asked. Why?

The most important source to ask is of God. How often do we fail to ask Him because we think that “the Lord maketh no such thing known unto [me]?” (1 Ne 15:9.)

“If thou shalt ask, thou shalt receive revelation upon revelation, knowledge upon knowledge, that thou mayest know the mysteries and peaceable things-that which bringeth joy, that which bringeth life eternal.” (DC 42:61.)

Nevertheless, sometimes the Lord directs us to others or others to us to help us with our answers, especially at first. Why?

“We have now clearly set forth how it is, and how it was, that God became an object of faith for rational beings; and also, upon what foundation the testimony was based which excited the inquiry and diligent search of the ancient saints to seek after and obtain a knowledge of the glory of God; and we have seen that it was human testimony, and human testimony only, that excited this inquiry, in the first instance, in their minds. It was the credence they gave to the testimony of their fathers, this testimony having aroused their minds to inquire after the knowledge of God; the inquiry frequently terminated, indeed always terminated when rightly pursued, in the most glorious discoveries and eternal certainty.” (Joseph Smith, Lectures on Faith, 2:56, emphasis added.)

How often do we not ask of others?

Jacob, I hope these thoughts prove as valuable to you as they have been to me.

Enjoy the journey!

On its official www.lds.org web site, a letter from the First Presidency of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints requested the “best efforts” of Church members to support the marriage protection amendment in California. Such a statement is unusual for the LDS Church, which recognizes this as a serious moral, non-political issue:

“We ask that you do all you can to support the proposed constitutional amendment by donating of your means and time to assure that marriage in California is legally defined as being between a man and a woman. Our best efforts are required to preserve the sacred institution of marriage.”
(http://newsroom.lds.org/ldsnewsroom/eng/commentary/california-and-same-sex-marriage)

The letter was read only to California congregations, but it doesn’t specifically limit the request to them; it appears on the LDS web site for anyone to read and consider. (See DC 58:27-8.)

What happens in California affects the entire US. For that reason, a few large, out-of-state donors are heavily funding the effort to make same-sex marriage the law in California. By contrast, protecting marriage is more of a grass roots effort. See yesterday’s AP news article:
http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/gay_marriage_money

I can’t sit idly by and watch this happen. However, as a non-Californian I wasn’t sure how to help until now.

What You Can Do

You do not need to be a California resident to make a big difference.

As I’ve analyzed this, I conclude that we must act NOW, in the next 2 or 3 days. I personally recommend the following:

1) Forward this email or blog link NOW and/or call anyone who may appreciate the LDS Church’s stand on this issue.

2) Contribute what you can NOW, even just $10 (the cost of a meal or two), at www.ProtectMarriage.com so they can finish their TV ad campaign. We only have a few days, and it all comes down to good communication. The Protect Marriage ads correct blatant falsehoods advertised by the other side that create confusion, and confusion recently defeated Arizona’s initiative. Pay no heed to smiling promises—in the end, it doesn’t matter who said or promised what—only the actual votes and laws matter. Schools must uphold and actively teach the laws. Period. (ProtectMarriage.com is officially promoted by many organizations and denominations including the LDS Church.)

3) Pray for the people of California to clearly understand the long-term consequences of the choice before them.

Additional Resources

This is a serious legal, religious, and societal threat, not an issue of personal agency or discrimination. See:

“Protecting Marriage to Protect Children” (LA Times, liberal viewpoint, Sept 2008)
“When Gay Rights and Religious Liberties Clash” (May 2008)
“Banned in Boston” (2006, very scholarly, note the last page)

See also these excellent resources, including links in the the right-hand margin:
http://newsroom.lds.org/ldsnewsroom/eng/commentary/the-divine-institution-of-marriage

Please don’t let this email sit in your Inbox.

Kevin Crenshaw
From My Blog: www.everygoodthing.net

My father has a great command of words as well as ideas, which made for quick, memorable lessons. I remember many of these, but my favorite (which I’ve shared with others many times) is the “Parable of the Teargas Grenade.” Perhaps this was most meaningful because it was true, funny, and applied to my situation with laser-targeted accuracy.

As I prepared to leave for my mission, I found I had an extra $1500 sitting in a low-interest bank account and wondered if I should invest it somewhere. But what would give the best return with low risk? I quickly thought of diamonds. What a great idea! They were appreciating steadily at 10% per year, and a diamond for an engagement ring was sure to come in handy sometime after my missionary service.

I shared these thoughts with my father. He sat quietly for a few moments, thinking, displaying no visible reaction. Then he spoke:

When I was in the military in basic training, somehow I got hold of a teargas grenade. And because I had it, I was dying to use it. The first chance I had I pulled the pin, and I cried a lot. I cried a lot more than I would have if I’d waited for a better opportunity.

That was it.

I didn’t buy the diamond.

On this Father’s Day, I remember you and all you taught me, Dad, and I express my deep appreciation for your timely and appropriate insights. I try to do the same in my family now. Some of my lessons are original, but some I just pass along at the right time, from you to them.

Happy Fathers Day!

Asking questions is the best way to get good answers, and there are many excellent resources on the Internet. Unfortunately, there is also a flood of misinformation. So where to look for accurate answers? The LDS Church Web site is doctrinally rock-solid. Another resource I like as a starting point for answers to more difficult questions is JeffLindsay.com. He does his research and is usually a careful thinker (in my opinion), he’s been linked to by the LDS web site on an issue or two, and he even has a sense of humor! Not a bad combination. However, perhaps the most scholarly approach is provided by the Maxwell Institute. Their articles are deep, insightful, and often peer-reviewed.

Temples, Respect, and Reverence

But what of the LDS temple ordinances, which members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints hold as so sacred that they do not discuss them in detail outside the LDS temples? Special care should be taken when treading on this sacred ground for reasons of our own spiritual growth, propriety, and plain old-fashioned brotherly kindness and mutual respect.

When I was growing up, maybe 6-7 years old, I was poking around the house and discovered a cache of presents intended for me. I opened the bag and looked through it all. It was interesting and exciting, but it ultimately proved to be a great disappointment. I had nothing to look forward to for my birthday. Looking back I can now see that my parents had carefully selected some gifts that would help me grow and yet would be fun as well, but they required explanation and a little parental training and help to use properly (a woodworking tool set and a wood burning kit). When I saw them early I didn’t/couldn’t appreciate them, and as a result I never really put them to their full, intended use. I wished I had not looked and had just waited for the surprise.

So it is with the LDS temple ordinances. As you learn all you can about the LDS Church, keep a veil of respect and reverence around these sacred temple ordinances, learning and reading only what has been officially discussed and taught about the temples in talks from recognized Church leaders. If you follow this advice, you’ll be glad.

Much can definitely be discussed! No questions are inappropriate, so ask away, just beware of inappropriate answers. Many web sites purport to have the full text of the LDS temple ordinances and display them to public view. Some are inaccurate, almost all do it with an eye towards ridiculing the Church and its temples, but all are disrespectful. Logic and reason are tools of truth, but ridicule and disrespect are not. Christ never used those methods. Respect for the beliefs of others is a hallmark of Christlike love and “brotherly kindness.” (2 Peter 1:7-8.)

Ordinances, Symbolism, and Receiving

If we think about it, all gospel ordinances are symbolic and make sense only if we are well-acquainted with them or understand their purpose. Baptism? Being immersed in water? How out-of-the-ordinary. Ancient temples, in God’s wisdom, relied heavily on this kind of symbolism. The LDS temple endowment is no exception and makes deep, rich use of symbolic imagery. (See this excellent web page.)

Waiting until the proper time and place is important. It shows reverence and respect for God’s timing and allows all things to be done “in wisdom and order.” (Mosiah 4:27.) I believe it also allows us to better appreciate and more fully receive and recognize what He is in fact offering to us when that time comes.

For what doth it profit a man if a gift is bestowed upon him, and he receive not the gift? Behold, he rejoices not in that which is given unto him, neither rejoices in him who is the giver of the gift. (D&C 88:33.)

My Personal Witness

I have found and know for myself—with absolute certainty—that what is offered us in the modern temples is of God, and it is of such absolute importance and reality that it is worth every sacrifice necessary to obtain those ordinances, keep our covenants with the Lord, and claim the eternal blessings that result from that path.

“I imagine it must have been hard for you to be religious and study science at the same time.”

My reply startled her visibly. I said something like this: “Not at all. I’ve found that truth is truth, wherever it is found. Truth in science never contradicts truth in religion. Conflicts only come from things we falsely assume to be true—false science or false religion.”

“Things as They Are”

When Pilate examined Christ, he asked: “What is truth?” The Bible then implies that he immediately turned and left, not waiting for an answer. (John 18:38.) What could he have learned if he had listened?

That question is central to the purpose of this blog. Here I intend to address truth—”every good thing”—not only from my personal experiences and religious principles, but also from related scientific and technical topics.

Does this seem an unusual assortment? Joseph Smith, the founder of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints and first latter-day prophet (according to LDS teachings and my personal conviction), said this:

One of the grand fundamental principles of “Mormonism” is to receive truth, let it come from whence it may. Teachings of the Prophet Joseph Smith, p. 313.

This is my sentiment and probably the central philosophy of my life. Truth, which Christ in modern times defined as “knowledge of things as they are, and as they were, and as they are to come” (D&C 93:24) is simply knowledge of reality, “things as they really are” (Jacob 4:13). This embraces and encompasses all frames of reference at once, whether scientific, cultural, or religious.

Higher Truths

We certainly can’t know all truth ourselves in this life, but we can come to know some truths with certainty. Still, not all truth is equally valuable, and not all sources are equally reliable. Scientific principles that once seemed clear according to best evidence turn out to be incomplete or mistaken as additional data comes to light. That’s simply the scientific process, iteratively getting a better grasp of testable reality.

However, in my experience the purest and surest source of essential truth is direct from God himself, and in fact there are certain truths that can be discerned through no other means. For example, Elder Bruce R. McConkie pointed out:

God is and can be known only by revelation; he stands revealed or he remains forever unknown. BYU Devotional Address, 2 March 1982.

In other words, some higher truths cannot be tested according to terms we dictate from our frame of reference. Instead, they must be projected into our existence from a higher plane (“looking “down”). When knowledge is communicated from that higher plane to this one, it is called revelation.*

Knowing for Sure

I’ve discovered for myself that this channel of truth—personal, individual revelation from God—remains open. (See James 1:5.) It is a reality that by “the power of the Holy Ghost,” we can “know the truth of all things.” (See Moroni 10:5.) This makes it possible to know all essential truth with certainty. However, “there are certain bounds also and conditions” to obtaining that type of knowledge (D&C 88:38). We must comply with the laws that govern it, or it remains undiscerned.

That truth which I have found and believe to be of more than passing value, I intend to discuss here. I invite you to join the journey.

*To me, one-way discernibility of higher truths is not only spiritually but mathematically and scientifically sound. We are like beings in a Flatland who cannot see beyond their two-dimensional existence to the ultimate three-dimensional reality. They (and we) lack power even to peer into some higher dimensions unaided. However, to a three-dimensional being, the entire two-dimensional flatland is laid bare to the minutest, innermost detail. Nothing is “hidden.” Communication from that realm to the flatland is not only possible but simple.