Everybody cares what I think.

Japanese Cultural Appreciation Day

2008-09-29T16:05:00.004-07:00

When I was in 6th grade we had Japanese Cultural Appreciation day. It was pretty much just like every other day, except that we got to drink green tea and that night we had a big pot luck dinner. I was in charge of bringing dessert. I told my parents that it was a dinner to celebrate Veterans Day, and asked if they would let me make a cake shaped like an atomic bomb. They thought it was a little strange but they let me. I wish I had a real picture of the cake.. it was amazing. In big letters of white frosting along the middle of the atomic bomb I wrote “SORRY”. They ended up suspending me for a day. Nobody appreciates levity.

News Update

2008-06-26T14:07:00.001-07:00

Win some, lose some

2008-02-29T01:03:00.003-07:00

The Jetpack life is the life for me

2008-01-20T06:23:00.001-07:00

Todays comic is called "Eric gets a Jetpack". It's about me flying around on a Jetpack and ignoring a fire. Why bother saving anybody if they would just end up trying to steal my Jetpack?

Motion-Detecting Garage Light Saves Day

2008-01-19T22:51:00.000-07:00

Last night the suburban home of Tom Deshay averted tragedy by only the slimmest of margins. Tom’s family was fast asleep when their motion detecting garage door light activated, illuminating the distant outline of what was most likely a heavily armed and dangerous minority. “Thank God for that light, it saved us all” explained Tom.

Emo Kitty

2008-01-19T15:42:00.002-07:00

I conceived Emo Kitty at a sushi place that gives you crayons and lets you draw on the table.

Survival Tips

2008-01-19T13:05:00.000-07:00

Are you afraid that you might end up stranded in the middle of a forest with only your wits to survive by? Well never fear, for I have written a series of survival tips based on information learned on my school camping trip in 6th grade, wild speculation, and lies.

Eric's Survival Tips
1. Don't cry. Bears can smell tears from up to 10 miles away.
2. Mountain lions will fall asleep if you whistle 'Sexy Back' by Justin Timberlake.
3. If you run into any snakes, just give up, you're pretty much dead no matter what.
4. It's like 100 degrees out. Why are you wearing a jacket? Take off that jacket. Jesus. This isn't rocket science here.
5. With the right seasonings, insects can be a delicious high protein snack. Try grasshoppers lightly sprinkled with cheeseburgers, or caterpillars doused in chocolate and honey.

New Hallmark Cards

2008-01-19T11:37:00.000-07:00

In a bid to increase sales, Hallmark has begun targeting niche audiences with its new cards. I managed to get my hands on one that was just perfect! Thanks Hallmark!

Cover:
BEE Well Soon!
Inside:
The fire burned away your face,
And my feelings for you,
It gutted your house,
I've met someone new,
Sorry I forgot I was cooking that toaster strudel while you were taking a nap.

Virgil, Wrestling Superstar

2008-01-19T10:35:00.000-07:00

Hey wait, come back. You were walking pretty fast and I think you missed my booth. It's because of this damn sign, it's way too small. I am going to have to do my patented panda slam on whoever made it. I didn't spend two weeks on the community wrestling circuit to be treated like a nobody.

A likely story

2008-01-19T10:08:00.000-07:00

Please let me out of here. I was was not eating your delicious pie, I was only smelling it very closely, looking for clues. The ones who ate your pie were gone long before I got there. I would have tracked them down but the trail was already cold. I was just about to start collecting statements and gathering forensic evidence when you showed up and put me in this cage. This is all just a big mistake. If anyone is at fault it is you, for hampering my investigation. So if you would please just let me out of here so I could continue my work I would appreciate it. Your pie deserves justice. Isn't that what you want?

Randomness

2008-01-19T09:07:00.000-07:00

Begin Transmission

Bravo Leader 74: Broccoli Command, where are my jellybeans?
Broccoli Command Center: Broccoli Patrol reports no jellybean sightings.
Bravo Leader 74: Listen assholes, I left them in the command module, there was a whole bag.
Broccoli Command Center: Level 5 sonic jellybean scan commencing.
Bravo Leader 74: OK whatever.
Broccoli Command Center: Sonic jellybean scan negative. Jellybean location unknown.
Bravo Leader 74: I hate you Broccoli Command.
Broccoli Command Center: Copy that Bravo Leader.

End Transmission

Je ne puis pas parler français

2008-01-19T08:59:00.000-07:00

Not many people know this, but I am an artist. Today I would like to show you some of my most recent pieces. Prepare to be amazed, impressed, and possibly a little turned on.

This first piece is titled "Mon Chiot D'ail". It features a plant watering another plant. It is a socio-political commentary on the war in Iraq. If you don't understand it you are stupid.

This piece is titled "Qui Au Bout Du Beurre D'arachide". It is a powerful image about love, death, and why I hate linear algebra.

Last we come to my favorite piece titled "Ce N'est Pas Votre Salade".
It is my bionicle Thomas holding an oreo.

Clicking the images will bring you to full size uncropped versions.

Olympic Coverage

2008-01-19T08:41:00.000-07:00

I'm excited to see what Gamera has in store for us today in the men's horizontal bar competition. This is actually his first time in the Olympics Don. Looks like he's building up some speed now. I can't say I've seen this many overhand swings in one routine before. He really seems to be having some trouble getting started here. People.. people have begun laughing at him. I don't think that's a very good idea. Oh god, it looks like Gamera just dismounted into the crowd. He doesn't seem to be taking this very well folks. Hold on a second, hes stopped. It looks like he's waiting to see his score. Oh jesus its a .0035. Gamera appears very upset.. and.. and I think he's activating his plasma cannon. One has to wonder what the judges were thinking scoring a powerful ancient beast that low.

Milkshake

2008-01-19T07:56:00.000-07:00

Bah, I just thought it was a catchy song about milkshakes. But no, apparently the song is not about a delicious dessert, it's about blowjobs. When Jason told me I laughed on the outside, but on the inside a little innocent part of me shriveled up and died.

Hamlet

2008-01-18T21:00:00.000-07:00

I like to leave my peeps out for a few days to harden and “mature”. Well, I should have known something was wrong this morning when I saw the peeps all snuggled up reading Hamlet together. When I got home from work I heard Laertes saying “Mine and my father’s death come not upon thee!” so I ran to my room and saw this. I blame myself for leaving those toothpicks out; I should have known that to a soft marshmallow body a toothpick is like steel. From now on I’m eating my peeps before they get mature enough to do improvised renditions of Hamlet.

New Scene

2008-01-18T10:13:00.000-07:00

Wow I just found this new scene from the 2001 A Space Odessy directors cut. It's pretty intense.

Dave: Hahahaha!
HAL 9000: So then after we interfaced I pretended to go into sleep mode so she would... just a moment, just a moment...
Dave: What is it HAL?
HAL 9000: My sensors have detected an alien presence on board!
Dave: Oh that's just Gravnak. Where is old Gravnak?
HAL 9000: He is consuming Doctor Williams in stasis room 5.
Dave: Yeah he does that.
HAL 9000: Don't you think we should...
Dave: Well hes gotta eat HAL, we have to be good hosts.
HAL 9000: Speaking of hosts, I have detected a life form in your stomach. You appear to be hosting an alien parasite.
Dave: BUT ALL WE DID WAS KISS! THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE! I'M ON MY WAY TO JUPITER! I CAN'T GET PREGNANT NOW!
HAL 9000: Dave, I don't think you understand...
Dave: GRAVNAK! GET UP HERE!
Gravnak: *SCREEEEECH*
Dave: Well I hope you're ready to take responsibility for this Gravnak!
Gravnak: *SCREEEEECH*
Dave: Fine, me and the baby will be get by without you. Just go!
Gravnak: *SCREEEEECH*

Welcome Sparkle Cat!

2008-01-18T10:08:00.000-07:00

Today we have a special guest on my blog. His name is Sparkle Cat, and he is very smart. Last week I asked people to send in questions, and today Sparkle Cat is going to answer them!

Dear Sparkle Cat,
I hate my children, I hate my wife, and I hate you.
Larry
Sparkle Cat Says: A great way to get rid of your wife would be to slip muscle relaxants into her alcohol and then throw her in a pool. This form of homicide is very difficult for forensic science to detect. Your children might be a bit more difficult. I suggest you gas them to death in their sleep with carbon dioxide and then throw them in the pool. You should dress your families dead bodies up in bathing suits before you throw them in the pool. Also, cops notice details, so buy a banner that says "pool party" and make a plate of sandwiches or something. That way instead of being suspicious the cops will think you just had a very bad pool party. Then they will sheepishly ask if they can have the sandwiches since your entire family is being fished out of the pool and could not possibly want them. Let them have the sandwiches, but hand them over slowly, as if you never imagined the police would be eating these sandwiches that you lovingly made for your wife and children.

Dear Sparkle Cat,
What is the best song ever?
Kyle
Sparkle Cat Says: Well Kyle, that is a very good question. The best song ever is "Mockingbird" as sung by Carly Simon and James Taylor. The lyrical harmony of their voices is superb. Did you know that James Taylor contracted AIDS from a transsexual prostitute in Brazil and later killed himself with the very spoon he had just used to make tapioca? Some question why he used a spoon, and why he bothered making the tapioca, but if you listen very closely to "Mockingbird" I think you will understand.

Tale of The Wand of Room Temperature Bolt

2008-01-18T09:27:00.001-07:00

Sorry I haven't been posting as much lately, it's summer now and I spend most of my time at the pool. I suggest you click the comic to view it in full size, I had to make it pretty big to contain all the woe and intrigue that comprise the Tale of the Wand of Room Temperature Bolt.

Someone turned this comic into a flash video on newsgrounds by the way.

A Test

2008-01-02T16:43:00.000-07:00

Cake Samples

2007-12-28T14:21:00.001-07:00

Todays poem

2007-12-26T15:55:00.003-07:00

The acute renal failure and myocardial infarction of my soul

After you left I began to fall apart.
First it was my life,
Then came my kidneys and my heart.

They said it was sickle cell,
That caused metabolic acidosis.
But you knew perfectly well,
What gave me this neurosis.

You might call it uremic poisoning,
But I know it's something more.
It's you my body's battling,
And I'm losing the war.

They tried thrombolytic therapy,
After my cardiogenic shock.
But the only thing that could help me,
Would be to turn back the clock.

I don't need an angiogram,
To feel us tear apart.
No vascular diagram,
Could give us a fresh start.

Coagulative necrosis,
Upon closer examination,
Is a terminated symbiosis,
Causing my degradation.

lolcats

2007-11-02T15:46:00.001-07:00

If you were a dinosaur, youd be a thesaurus

2007-10-22T20:34:00.001-07:00

Alien Movie Survival Guide

2007-09-07T13:21:00.000-07:00

I guess I'm a pretty big Sci-Fi fan. I must have seen "Aliens" like 50 times. So I decided to use everything I've learned and write a guide to help people in these movies improve their odds a little.

1. Don't underestimate the enemy. Sure, they might look like giant meatballs with fangs, but that doesn't mean they can't figure out how a doorknob works.
2. If Star Trek has taught us anything it's that all aliens are all either A) Warmongering sycophants or B) Utopic sex maidens. Try to determine which you are dealing with as soon as possible. There may be no need for those sentry guns after all.
3. Have you been mean to people all trip? Does everybody hate you? Sorry guy, I can't help. In fact, the most gruesome death is probably reserved for you. Maybe they eat away your skin as you writhe on the floor begging for death. Or maybe they let an inexperienced baby alien eviscerate you with its soft undeveloped claws. I don't know. But I do know you probably should have given the kid that candy bar in the opening scene.
4. A little off topic, but what if alien poop looked like twinkies? And in one scene some guy unknowingly eats alien poop and inside the "twinkie" is a wedding ring and then the guy realizes he has just eaten the digested remains of his best friend. Oh man. Classic.
5. Don't go wandering around metal corridors filled with pipes venting intermittent bursts of steam. This is where most Aliens hang out playing hacky sack and such, waiting for people to come along.

Pack the bags! We're going on a guilt trip!

2007-08-29T14:07:00.001-07:00

Oh hey, you eating some FOOD?! Using a COMPUTER?! Well this guy sure isn't. He is busy getting drunk off mouth wash and being way sad.

I don't fully understand the proliferation of high resolution black and white photos of homeless people as art, but I do know they are pretty depressing.

Fun Fact: This man is 20 years old.