Everyday Author

The End Has Come

2007-02-19T01:01:00.000-06:00

After nearly two years of inactivity, I have decided to officially close this blog.

I started this blog with the intention of putting up things from my archive of creative writing and eventually adding newly created stuff. Unfortunately, I never got to a point where I could do that. My blogging commitments along with my job took more and more time away from any time to do creative writing which made this blog pointless.

It was fun having two blogs while it lasted. I do plan to do some creative writing again in the future, but unless I create a lot of stuff, this blog will remain closed.

Thanks to all who visited in the small amount of time that this blog was updated. I will not be deleting this blog, so feel free to check out the older posts and even comment if you like.

You can read me at my main blog Sterfish's Place, at Blogcritics Magazine, or at ThaHipHop.com. Also, you can check out my music tastes at my Mog.

Sterling "Sterfish" Fisher
February 19, 2007

License Change And An Update

2005-06-13T02:16:00.000-05:00

Two things of note:

First, I changed the license for the works on this blog. See the link in the sidebar and in the individual posts. All works that are currently on the blog as well as all new works will be licensed under this license.

Also, I have begun work on my serial story. It uses an idea I've had for a long time. I think that this time, I might be able to write it well. If the writing process goes well, look for the first installment within the next two weeks. In addition, I may write a new skit or two between the story installments.

Skit: Blackout Skit #1

2005-06-03T03:21:00.000-05:00

Blackout skits are short comedy skits that rely on a huge punchline at the end followed immediately by the stage going dark. When done right, they are really hilarious and add some kick (and variety) to a sketch comedy show.

What I have found out, though, is that blackout skits are hard to write. I can usually pump out a skit pretty quickly when I get right down to it. However, I've had some trouble thinking of any blackout skits to write. And since I really want to put up some new content on this blog, I've decided to post the one skit I have finished.

Let me just say that this skit isn't my best work. It might be considered offensive to some despite the lack of bad language, sex, or violence.

So, I hope you enjoy this short little skit. I will begin my serial short story sometime within the next few weeks (time permitting) so look for that soon.

A Blackout Skit
Copyright 2005 by Sterling Fisher

This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 2.5 License.

Setting: Church, set up for a wedding

Characters: Priest, Bride, Groom

(Opens with priest standing and the Bride and Groom standing together in front of the Priest with their backs to the audience.)

Priest: We are here today to celebrate the joining together of this couple in holy matrimony.

(Bride and Groom turn to face each other.)

Priest: Jim, do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?

Groom: (angrily to Bride) You're a woman?? You lied to me!! (runs away)

(small pause)

Bride: (angrily to Priest in a very deep masculine voice) Thanks a lot Reverend!

(FADE TO BLACK)

What's In The Pipeline

2005-05-24T02:12:00.000-05:00

It's been a little while since my last post (okay, over a month) but I finally have some stuff in the works for this blog. In addition to mining my archives for stuff, I am also working on brand-new stuff. Here's what I have planned for the summer and beyond:

A collection of short "blackout" comedy skits

At least two or three full-length comedy skits

A short story that I will write and post as a serial. I want to have about a week (or less) between posts.

Some short play exercises to help me as I consider writing a full-length play

A major "summer" project of some kind. It could be the play, a collection of short stories, a screenplay, or a full-fledged novel or novella.

Every summer I say that I will do more writing and instead I end up regretting that I didn't do anything. I hope to change that this summer and do some creating of some kind. In the meantime, expect a post of some kind within the next week or so. I just started the "blackout" skit collection and when I finish a few, I'll post them here.

Archives: "Play Exercise"

2005-04-20T00:45:00.000-05:00

When I was a freshman in college, I took a class called Intro to Drama. It was basically a class where we critically studied various plays. One exercise we had to do was to take an event from our lives and turn it into a theatrical scene. We had to describe the event/scene in prose, write the scene out, then do a short essay about how we felt about that event. If I remember correctly, I got a B on this assignment.

I've written short skits before but I have never attempted a real play. I think I may try to do so one day (just like how I want to finish a novel at some point) but this short scene is probably the closest I've ever come. Very few people have ever read this (and I haven't looked at it in years), so consider yourselves lucky...I guess.

Here is the entire exercise, presented completely unchanged from when I first turned it in, including the description, the scene, and the short essay.

Play Exercise
Copyright 1999 by Sterling Fisher

This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 2.5 License.

Prose Description

The event used in this exercise I not only witnessed, but also fully participated in. The event took place earlier this week (on MLK Day). My roommate and I were up late watching TV while doing homework. The TV show "Politically Incorrect" was on and the topic dealt appropriately with race and African-Americans. My roommate is not African-American, and while we agree on all racial issues, I have found him to be more conservative than I am. A comment on the show dealt with hip-hop (rap) music with the guests arguing whether or not this music portrays and furthers negative images of African-Americans. During this exchange, one of the guests mentioned that if he found a child with a rap CD, he would instantly confiscate the CD from him/her. When I heard that comment, I told my roommate that one shouldn't judge the music by the Parental Advisory sticker found on a lot of hip-hop music. This is where the event began.

My roommate's response surprised me when he said that he wouldn't listen to the CD strictly because it had cursing on it. We then got into a "heated debate" about the subject of cursing in music and art in general. My main argument was that positive messages can be found in so-called Parental Advisory labeled music and that instead of not listening to it because of that, one should in effect "give it a chance" and hear what the artist has to say. My roommate argued that if the artist wants to get his/her message across (especially to everyone), then he/she should not curse. We continued along these lines, virtually abandoning the homework we were doing. I tried repeatedly to sway my roommate over to my side of the argument. I used examples that ranged from using curse words as emphasis, understanding the context in which the words are used (for example, "hell" being used to both describe the place and to curse someone), and simply expressing my disbelief that someone would let curse words turn them off from a song, even if the cursing is minimal.

My roommate also tried to sway me over with arguments like why artists can't find words to use as substitutes, why they feel they need to curse in the first place when they don't have to, asking if they feel the need to curse because their audience won't listen to them if they curse, and so on. Ultimately, it seemed that my roommate felt it was truly unnecessary for artists to curse in music. However, during this argument he rationalized why it is understandable in movies/TV (they represent the real world) and I tried equating curse words to racism (unsuccessfully). In the end, we ended up in a stalemate, with me just utterly surprised by my roommate's remarks because I was used to the people around me being fairly liberal, and the admission that my roommate does not lose respect for the artist, he just doesn't listen to them. We ended our conversation more than an hour after we started it, and we both went to bed after 2 a.m.

I chose this event because it is basically stichomythia. The debate itself was fast paced as I tend to talk very fast when I am debating a subject I feel strongly about. Neither one of us did anything to break this tension (leaving the room, doing our homework, etc.). While it was frustrating to talk to a "brick wall" (for both of us), we ended up feeling good and invigorated as our intellect and values got a workout. We each revealed something about ourselves and I felt that this could translate well to a theatrical scene. Also, I used different names in the scene.

Actual Scene

Characters

Allan, a college freshman
Jon, a college freshman and Allan's roommate

Scene: It is very late on Martin Luther King night. The setting is Allan and Jon's dorm room. On one wall are their two desks and a wardrobe. On the wardrobe is a small white TV with an antenna. On the other wall, there are two bunk beds, each with a different sheet set.

As the scene opens, Allan and Jon are both working at their desks working on homework. Occasionally, they both glance at the TV in the midst of their work. The TV is on and faint TV noises can be heard.

Jon (to Allan, who is looking at the TV): What are they talking about today?

Allan: They're talking about African-Americans and if they have really advanced since Dr. King was around. (looks at the TV and after a long pause starts talking again) I can't believe this. (annoyed) They always generalize hip-hop. (turns to Jon) It seems like every time hip-hop is mentioned, they only focus on the so-called (makes quotes hand gesture) "gangsta" rap. Even then when someone mentions positive hip-hop, they always mention the same people. (Allan turns back to the TV and after a pause starts up again) (annoyed) Oh, come on!

Jon (turns to look at the TV): What?

Allan: One of the people said that if they saw a child with a rap CD, they would confiscate it from the child. I can see if it had a parental advisory, but even CD's with parental advisories on them can be positive. If they listened to the CD, then they could stop generalizing and know whether or not the music helps or hurts the black community.

Jon: I can understand why they would do that.

Allan (pretending like he didn't hear Jon): Excuse me?

Jon: If the artist wanted to get their message across, why did they have to curse?

Allan (turned and looking directly at Jon): What are you saying?

Jon: I'm just saying that if they wanted everyone to hear their message, they wouldn't curse. I know I wouldn't listen to them if they did.

Allan (puzzled): Wait, wait, wait. I know you don't personally curse, but you wouldn't listen to someone's music just because they were using curse words?

Jon: Yep.

Allan (half-laughing): Honestly that is the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard.

Jon: Well, if they wanted everyone to listen to it, they wouldn't curse. Besides, what reasons do they have to curse? (As Allan is about to talk again, Jon leaves his desk and climbs to the top bunk. Allan has completely turned his chair around by this time, with the back of the chair facing the desk.)

Allan (more annoyed): For one thing, it is used as emphasis. Like in that Mos Def song, "New World Water." The song's about the world and how we all use and need water and in one part he says "You need a bunch of evian just to take a f*cking bath." He put the curse word there to emphasize the seriousness of the statement. If he said (fast and mockingly) "You need a bunch of evian just to take a bath," (returns to annoyed pace) the seriousness and urgency of what he is saying is not as well communicated as "You need a bunch of evian just to take a f-ing bath."

Jon: I understand where you're coming from but to me if he uses any curse word, I won't listen to it.

Allan: You see, you have to disregard the curse words and listen for the deeper message. It's all about context. There shouldn't be a problem with the word as long as you know what the context of it is. For example, if I say (drawn out) son of a b, that means that I'm mad about something but if I say to someone, you are an evil son of a b, I am using it as a curse word. I am literally insulting the man by calling him that. But I could also use curse words and not curse someone.

Jon (a little more annoyed): No matter how they use them, they are still using curse words. If someone went up to you and said the n-word, would you get mad?

Allan (pauses for a few seconds, kind of caught off guard): Well, umm, I would have to not jump to conclusions and stop and think about the situation. How is he using it? Whites are into hip-hop right now, hip-hop artists use it, they emulate the artists, etc. Okay, I'd have to take the situation into account and realize whether or not they were using it harmlessly or harmfully. So, depending on the situation I would or would not get mad. Nonetheless, I wouldn't let that word offend me right away.

Jon: Uh-huh.

Allan: Just like I would not let the n-word keep me from being friends with someone, you shouldn't let a curse word keep you away from good music.

Jon (annoyed): I'm trying to tell you that if I don't like curse words and don't want to listen to them I don't have to! It's not my job to dig through and find the message, it's their job to direct it at me, it they want me to hear it.

Allan (sarcastically): Oh, okay. You want everything spelled out for you? So, instead of your mom or dad dropping a hint saying, "You should clean your room," you want them to say (slowly) "Clean your room." All great art, my bad, most great art is great because it doesn't put the message readily out there, you have to interpret it. Huck Finn and Uncle Tom's Cabin are both anti-slavery novels. Which one is considered greater…Huck Finn where the message is spelled out via satire or Uncle Tom's Cabin where it's completely on the surface?

Jon (slightly frustrated): You don't seem to understand what I'm talking about. I will not listen to the music if it has cursing in it. Cursing disgusts me and I cringe every time I have to hear it.

Allan: What about movies or TV? How do you go see PG-13 or R rated movies if you can't stand hearing cursing?

Jon: I can understand cursing in movies better than I can understand it in music because at least the movies try to represent the real world, and in the real world people curse.

Allan: And music doesn't represent the real world?

Jon: In music, you can get your point across without using curse words.

Allan: Hell, you can use anything to get your point across, and sometimes how someone uses it can make the best artists. For example, Natural Born Killers. Every politician lambasted when it came out talking about it was a symbol of Hollywood going too far and most of them didn't even see the movie. If they saw it, they would know that it's a satire and that it uses lots of violence to illustrate America's fascination with violence and violent people. That kind of thing where people criticize without even seeing or hearing something really just annoys the crap out of me.

Jon: I'm not trying to say that the artist's music isn't good but if it has cursing on it, I won't listen to it.

Allan: One question…do you even have a CD with cursing on it?

Jon: Yep. (Jon jumps down from the top bunk and walks over to his desk. He pulls out a CD and gives it to Allan)

Allan: Nothing to Lose Soundtrack.

Jon: Every time I put in that CD, I only listen to two songs then I turn it off.

Allan: Okay, what about a song you like with cursing on it. (Jon pulls out another CD and hands it to Allan) Billy Joel?

Jon: Number 10. I love that song but I don't listen to it much because I don't like some of the language. (Allan hands him back both CD's)

Allan: That's still unbelievable to me that you wouldn't listen to music with cursing on it. As long as you don't downgrade the artist for cursing or anything like that…

Jon: I'm not going to think less of the artist, you, or our suitemates if you guys curse.

Allan (half-laughing): Not like Michael and Oscar, huh?

Jon (half-laughing): If you cursed like they do, I don't think I could stand it.

Allan: They curse way too much, anyway. But, it looks like we are just split down the middle, a Civil War North versus South style split. I understand exactly where you are coming from but personally I feel the complete opposite. Whenever I hear stuff like what you said, it makes me think that someone who can't listen past a couple of words is a little closed-minded. But hey, it's not like the majority of people feel the way I feel anyway. The top selling albums of 1999 were the Backstreet Boys, Britney Spears, Ricky Martin, and Shania Twain, none of whom curse. Despite the fact that hip-hop albums with parental advisories debut at number one, albums with no cursing sell better.

Jon: I wonder if Lauryn Hill would have won so many Grammies if she cursed.

Allan: Honestly, she probably wouldn't have, but oh well. (glances at clock). Holy crap, it's 2:30! I have a paper to finish that's due tomorrow! (turns back around to desk)

Jon: I better get back to work too.

Allan: Man, it's going to be hard waking up in the morning tomorrow.

Jon: Now, I feel guilty because I'm almost finished and you got three or four pages to write.

Allan: That's all right, I'm used to staying up late and waking up early.

END

Essay

In turning the event into a theatrical scene, I found that some things just don't play well. The main example is in how short the scene is in itself. In reality, this conversation was about an hour and a half long. However, in theater, a concept can be portrayed accurately in a shorter time. "Art" read very quickly for me because of all the dialogue. It seemed not to be a long play, but it reveals so much within its dialogue and fairly short length. The play couldn't be any longer or any shorter to get its point across.

I also realized that because of this ability to reveal concepts quickly that many things needed to be edited from the scene. For example, during the conversation my roommate said a remark along the lines of: "I don't like curse words, I want to avoid curse words, I don't listen to curse words." In my rebuttal I said: "You could easily say 'I don't like blacks, I want to avoid blacks, and therefore I will stay away from blacks." I felt in writing this scene that any types of racial overtones should be subtle, as the argument itself does not actually involve race. I also tried to tighten up the conversation. When my roommate and I discussed, sometimes there were pauses (especially when I needed to think of a rebuttal) so I got rid of many actual pauses in favor of smooth, quick dialogue. This scene could not be played with long pauses and lots of repetition (otherwise it would be boring) so tightening up the conversation was a good thing.

Another thing I realized was how much I would have to paraphrase. I tried to use as much of the real words that my roommate and I used, but I forgot a lot of it and some of it was inappropriate for a class assignment. I may have stretched the limits by actually using curse words (edited and not) in it. Yet in the real conversation, I used many examples of cursing to try to prove my point. If I were a better writer, I could have not used any curse words and make a reference to the actual subject matter. One thing this scene lacks is action. I couldn't think of a way to put action into this scene other than what is portrayed. I thought about placing the scene in a public place instead of the dorm room, but the TV in the dorm room is the way the topic is brought up. Besides, how could I get away with the characters cursing in a public place? How could they argue loudly in someplace like Norris? This is why I decided to keep them in the dorm, just the way it happened with my roommate and I.

In the end, writing this scene was a good experience, as was the actual debate between my roommate and I. We have no animosity towards each other and it was a way to find out our beliefs, similarities, and differences. We differ in a good amount of ways. In fact, we find out these things in discussions similar to the one used for this scene (but they are often shorter). This scene tested my ability to write a version of something real, as out of the stories I have written or attempted to write, none of them were based on anything real or dealing directly with me. It is as much of a challenge to bring something real to life on stage or on paper, as it is to bring something completely fictional on stage or on paper. After all, some of the best stories ever written really happened.

Poetry: "Never"

2005-04-12T10:31:00.000-05:00

Well, I found the computer copy of this poem. Both this poem and the previously posted one were in a weirdly named file where I first typed them. Anyway, this is another short, probably crappy poem. This one also appeared in that literary magazine to fill up space. Enjoy!

Never

This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 2.5 License.

Never thought I'd see you like this
Lying on the ground.
Red and blue lights everywhere
People all around.
Never dreamed this could happen
But all the time I would dread
Seeing you gunned down
And realizing you're dead.

Poetry: "Nightmare Inside A Dream"

2005-04-06T17:06:00.000-05:00

This is one of two poems I have ever written in my entire life. When I was a freshman in college, I tried restarting the school's black literary magazine. With the help of a few people, we just managed to put out one issue that was padded with works by the staff. To help increase the page count of the magazine, I quickly wrote two poems. The reason why I won't be posting the other one is because I found out I don't have it in a computer format (I guess I lost that file). I will have to look through the unsold copies of the magazine I have to find it. I'll post it at a later date.

I have never been much of a poet so I can say that this poem is probably crap. However, I guess you can judge for yourself.

Nightmare Inside A Dream

This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 2.5 License.

I dreamed I dreamed a nightmare.
A nightmare inside a dream.
And everything good and bad
Was somewhere in between.
Everything is not black and white
As it would seem.
When you dream you dreamed a nightmare.
A nightmare inside a dream.

Fiction Press: "An Unusual Encounter"

2005-04-05T02:17:00.000-05:00

I'm going to have to explain this short story a little bit. You see, I had this grand idea of writing a bunch of stories that took place in a world much darker, sadder, and bleaker than the one we currently live in. I even got the idea to give it the ironic title Happy Times. "An Unusual Encounter" would have been one of the stories in this never-completed collection. The story really ended up being a test for me to write something dark in tone. The story deals with an encounter between a black man and a white man. I won't reveal anything else other than that. I will warn you that the story does contain some violence and it's suitable for more mature readers.

You can read "An Unusual Encounter" at my Fiction Press site: http://www.fictionpress.com/read.php?storyid=1641863

Feel free to leave a review on that site (positive or negative) or give your thoughts by commenting on this post.

Archives: Fake News

2005-03-31T05:56:00.000-06:00

During the summer of 2004 (late summer), I met with Toure Muhammad, the creator of Bean Soup Times, a hilarious African-American take on fake news. He was a nice guy and I enjoy reading the site whenever I get a chance. During the time I e-mailed with him, I submitted three some articles and headlines that unfortunately didn't make the site. So, for the first time, I'm sharing these fake article and headlines with the world. Enjoy!

Sterfish's Fake News Articles And Headlines

This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 2.5 License.

Articles

Given choice to "Vote or Die" potential young voters would rather die, says new poll

NEW YORK-It was revealed in a new Gallup poll that the vast majority of potential young voters would rather die than exercise their right to vote. Of the 3000 potential voters between 18 and 21 surveyed, 72% of them would rather die than vote in a presidential election. The poll also revealed that 64% of potential young voters would rather smoke marijuana than vote, 55% would rather become bulimic or anorexic, 49 % would rather hear Lil' Jon talk about voting, and 99% would rather sit on their ass in front of the TV.
News of the poll came as a blow to Citizen Change, the nonpartisan political group founded by Sean "P. Diddy" Combs, whose slogan is "Vote or Die."
"I started this group to encourage young people to change the world through voting...not mass suicide," Combs told a New York television station. "If young people don't want to vote and make themselves heard, then rich people over 21 such as myself will continue to screw them over."
However, Citizen Change is optimistic that their new slogan "Vote, bitch!" will energize young voters in ways "Vote or Die" never could.

African-American dieter thinks low-carb cornbread tastes "nasty."

CHICAGO-The popularity of Atkins and similar diets has led companies to produce low-carb versions of various products. However, there is one product that Atkins dieter Shaquita Anderson thinks they shouldn't have made...cornbread. "It's nasty," says the 28-year-old African-American woman. "It tastes like flavorless mush with an aftertaste."
Anderson was referring to Jiffy's new "Carbalow" brand low-carb cornbread mix. In order to lower the carbs, the mix substitutes soy flour for 90% of the corn meal, artificial sweeteners for sugar and adds wheat germ to increase the fiber content. In additon, the mix is supposed to be made with water and vegetable oil instead of milk.
After foolishly believing the "low carb, same great taste" promise on the box, Anderson says she won't be fooled again. "If it sounds too good to be true, it probably is. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go buy some low-sodium, low-fat saltpork to cook with my greens."

Bush courts young minority voters by putting daughters in the spotlight

WASHINGTON-After years of being shunned by the White House due to their rowdy behavior, Jenna and Barbara Bush, President Bush's twin daughters, are being thrust into the spotlight. The President has taken them with him on various campaign stops, and the girls even speak on his behalf. However, according to an unnamed Republican strategist, the reason the Bush twins have been showcased is a surprising one.
"The White House has brought the Bush twins into the spotlight to court young minority voters," says the strategist.
The strategist, an African-American male who wishes to remain anonymous, goes on to explain his reasoning: "White women have always been the sexual Holy Grail for ethnic men because of history and it is true to this day."
According to the strategist, the twins' history of bar escapades and ditching the Secret Service also stand to appeal to black male voters. "As seen in the Kobe Bryant case and others, there is nothing more desirable to a young black male than a white girl who likes to have a good time."
When asked about the appeal of the Bush twins to minority women, the strategist admitted that it is "slim." Yet, the strategist is optimistic.
"As more minority girls grow up in all-white environments, they'll take on the characteristics of whites rather than their own race. Fefe Dobson is just the beginning."

Headlines

UPN banking on new shows to lure White viewers
The network is desperately trying to lure White viewers in a bid to shed "Under Paid Negros" image.

Alan Keyes determined to keep running for political office
"I won't stop until I win something...anything," says the current Republican US Senate candidate and former presidential candidate.

Archives: Kidz Jamz

2005-03-30T12:09:00.000-06:00

I wrote this skit for Out Da Box like the other two skits I posted previously. This one almost made the show. When they needed to cut skits to bring the running time down, this one was among the ones cut. If the name didn't give it away, this skit makes fun of the series of Kidz Bop CDs. Each year I'm more and more surprised at the song choices on these CDs. I think I should update this skit. With songs like "Candy Shop" on the radio, it could be quite funny. Anyway, enjoy this skit from 2003.

Kidz Jamz

This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 2.5 License.

Characters
Announcer: M/F
Kids: M&F
Parent: M/F

(A group of kids is onstage sitting around as the skit starts.)

Announcer: Are you tired of this?...

(Hip-Hop song plays as kids dance around)

Announcer: Your kids listening to that nasty hip-hop and R&B music!

(Parent runs in)

Parent: Turn that noise off! (turns off radio)

Kids: Aww, man!

Announcer: You want music appropriate for them? Then get Kidz Jamz! It's the new collection of contemporary urban music re-recorded by kids for kids!

Kids: Wow! Cool!

Announcer: You get such hot singles like "One Minute Man" by Missy Elliott...

Kids (singing): Break me off! Show me what you got! Cause I don't want no one minute man! (kids do innocent dance that has them putting up one finger when they say one minute man)

Announcer: "Hot in Herre" by Nelly...

Kids: (Singing and dancing while rubbing their forehead) It's getting hot in here! So hot! So take off all your clothes! I am getting too hot! I wanna take my clothes off!

Announcer: "Saturday" by Ludacris...

Kids: (Singing and dancing) I got a big weed stash, pocket full of cash, just seen a big 'ole ass! Sticky icky icky! (rubs hands on shirt) Sticky icky icky icky!

Announcer: and many more!

Parent: I love Kidz Jamz! It's better than those other versions of songs. They sound so nasty! But nothing sounds nasty coming out of the mouth of a kid!

Announcer: And if you act now, you'll receive a special bonus! Kidz Jamz presents the Songs of R. Kelly! Featuring classics like..."Bump and Grind"

Kids (singing): I don't see nothin wrong...with a little bump and grind!

Announcer: To current jams like "Ignition"

Kids (singing): Let me put my key in your ignition babe! Bounce Bounce Bounce Bounce Bounce Bounce...

Announcer: So order Kidz Jamz now! Call 1-800-SAVE-OUR-CHILDREN to order. You receive 4 CD's of kids singing the hottest hip hop and R & B songs! So don't delay!

Kids (singing): (gunshot sound) They shootin! Ha! Made you look!

Announcer: Order today!

(END SKIT)

Archives: "Barbershop: The Series"

2005-03-29T06:06:00.000-06:00

This skit is a parody of the movie Barbershop, and was written back in 2002...long before it was announced that a real Barbershop TV series was coming. Just like the "Your Friendly Neighborhood Crackhead" skits, this skit was also rejected for 2002's Out Da Box. However, it was only rejected because it had "too many characters." I really hope that the real Barbershop TV show is at least as funny as this skit. Enjoy!

Barbershop: The Series

This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 2.5 License.

Characters
Announcer: M/F
Terri: F
Calvin: M
Jimmy: M
Eddie: M
Ricky: M
Isaac: M
Old Man: M
Dinka: M

Announcer: The number one African-American movie of 2002 returns as a sitcom! Its Barbershop: The Series on FOX this fall! With more of the hilarious humor youre used to...

Terri: Who the hell drank my apple juice?

Calvin: Stop got damn cursing, Terri! This aint no got damn def comedy jam!

Terri: Didnt you just cuss?

Calvin: Im the owner...I can do that.

Terri: (smacks lips) Well, either way I got something for whoever drank my juice.

Jimmy: Oh?

Terri: Yeah, I ground up my birth control pills and mixed em in my juice so I could...

Jimmy: (coughing) Oh God...I gotta throw up!

Terri: (to Calvin) See I told you Jimmy drank my apple juice!

Jimmy: (coughs) I...didnt...drink...it.

Calvin: Nobody saw him drink it....maybe he ate some bad fish.

Ricky: Maybe some scallops, huh?

Jimmy: Shut the (swallows from being sick) hell up!

Announcer: And more of the controversial views that actually pissed off Jesse Jackson!

Eddie: Black people need to stop lying! Al Sharpton wears a toopee, Michael Jackson is just like R. Kelly but with mo money, and Sherman Helmsley got a little sugar in his gas tank!

All: Ooooh!

Isaac: George Jefferson takes the D???

Terri: Then again, has he ever been married?

Calvin: Who knows, but he cant be gay, man...

Jimmy: Gives the phrase movin on up a new meaning.

Ricky: Man, Eddie, give Michael Jackson a break! Its bad enough he only black when its convenient...

Jimmy: Just like Mariah Carey.

Eddie: And that there Van Diesel.

Jimmy: Its Vincent Diesel

Ricky: Its Vin Diesel fool!

Calvin: Besides, we all knew Al Sharptons hair wasnt real anyway.

Isaac: It looks like doll hair, for real.

Terri: I wonder if he makes his own wigs like Tina Turner.

Old Man: What would Jesse Jackson say if he heard you talking like that?

Eddie: Hed try to use force and boycott this shop and lose like a little bitch with his tail between his legs!

All: Oooh!!!

Announcer: Plus more of the serious, thoughtful moments you love!

Calvin: Im closing the shop...again.

All: What? Why? (adlibs)

Calvin: I need the money to pay for my babys eye surgery. I sold the shop to Jojo down the street.

Terri: The porn storeowner?

(Dinka enters)

Dinka: Look everyone! I just won the Illinois Lottery! I dont need all this money so I give to everyone!

(Gives some to Calvin)

Calvin: Its enough to get my baby her eye surgery and buy the shop back from Jojo! The shop aint closing!

All: Yeah!

(Music plays and they all dance)

Announcer: Barbershop The Series...coming this fall to FOX, followed by Bernie Mac, Cedric The Entertainer Presents, and the new comedy show Black People Love Us!

(END SKETCH)

Archives: "Your Friendly Neighborhood Crackhead"

2005-03-29T05:58:00.000-06:00

Back in 2002, I wrote a bunch of material that I submitted for inclusion in the sketch comedy revue Out Da Box. These five short skits revolving around a crackhead were among the large amount of stuff that was rejected. Reading them again, I can see why. I have to admit that these aren't exactly my best work. However, I'm still kind of proud of skit number four...it's the best of the bunch.

Anyway, I hope you enjoy these skits.

Your Friendly Neighborhood Crackhead

This is a collection of 5 very short skits made for use in between longer skits.

This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 2.5 License.

Characters (Total)
Crackhead: M
Man: M
Woman: F
Dealer: M/F
Cop: M/F
Crackhead's Woman (non-speaking): F

(Crackhead is standing in an area not far away from apartment buildings. Man #1 leaves his apartment and locks his door. He walks by the crackhead.)

Crackhead: Can I sell you somthin man? I got some good shit for ya!

Man: No, leave me alone!

Crackhead: Naw man, check this out here! I got this nice china plate for ya (holds up Paper plate)

Man: That ain't china! That's a paper plate!

Crackhead: You see, it's a special type of china! It's made to look exactly like a paper plate! It's a steal at $5!

Man: Oh, I'll bet you stole that alright. (leaves)

Crackhead: Hey come on now! I'll have you know this is top notch KFC China man! High quality right here!

(END)

II.

(Crackhead is standing on street corner. There is a cup for people to put change in. People are walking by.)

Crackhead: (singing) Jabber jabber jabber jabber jabber jabber jabber JAW! Jabber jabber jabber jabber jabber jabber jabber JAW! Come on ya'll! Show a brother some love man! Ya'll don't know that one? How about this! (singing) Tooom Slick! Tooom Slick! Dewn dewn dewn dewn! Tooom Slick! Okay...(singing) George! George! George of the Jungle! Fast as he can be! Ya'll remember these cartoons from back in the day! Give a brother a little appreciation. (person drops a penny in the cup) Thank you! Gigantor! Gigantor! Gigaaaaa-aaaantor!

(END)

III.

(Crackhead is standing in front of building. A woman comes out of the doorway dressed in a coat. She lights a cigarette.)

Crackhead: You know, cigarettes are bad for you.

Woman: Yeah, you can talk...you're a crackhead.

Crackhead: Okay, you right, this is true. How many you smoke a day about?

Woman: About a pack.

Crackhead: Daamn! That's a lot of cigarettes. You probably spend more in a month on cigarettes than I do on crack.

Woman (pauses): Well, damn you are probably right.

Crackhead: I know I am. See, that's why you need this half-opened almost expired box of Nicorette right here. It's only $20!

Woman: Ugh. Should've known you were selling something. Jeez! (puts out cigarette then leaves).

Crackhead: Hey! You ain't never seen those Truth ads? Smoking kills ya you know. (pause) Oh well (puts a piece of gum in his mouth) This is kinda good.

(END)

IV.

(Dealer is standing on corner. Crackhead walks up to Dealer looking around as he walks.)

Dealer: How much you want today?

Crackhead: Nothin...I need a new crackpipe.

Dealer: A crackpipe? What happened to your other one?

Crackhead: Broke it.

Dealer: What?

Crackhead: Those damn monkey birds wouldn't leave me alone, man! They had to be stopped!

Dealer: Monkey birds? (pause) Look, I don't have any pipes with me today. Why don't you try another method?

Crackhead: Been scared of needles since I was young and (gets louder and looks up at the sky) scared of those got damn monkey birds since I was 12!

Dealer: There's no such thing as monkey birds.

Crackhead: Oh, there is all right...and there's one behind ya! (jumps towards Dealer who steps out the way just in the nick of time) I got ya dammit! (punches the floor) How you like that, huh? What?

Dealer: Damn! I'll bring you a pipe tomorrow! (walks away) (to himself) He was actually screwed up BEFORE the crack got him.

Crackhead: (punching floor) A-ha! I knocked one eye out, just 42 to go!

(END)

(Crackhead is standing and doing nothing. Cop walks by.)

Crackhead: Good morning, officer.

Cop: Morning....ohhh, it's you again. Just get out of jail?

Crackhead: Rehab.

Cop: Rehab, hmm. How long till I gotta arrest you again?...Four, five hours tops.

Crackhead: I'm off it for good this time.

Cop: Okay, whatever...let's see what's on ya today. (Pats Crackhead down and finds nothing)

Crackhead: See, not a vial to be found.

Cop: Yet. How long before you try to sell a stolen vibrator or try to pass off some Payless sneakers as Air Force One-and-a-halfs to get money for crack?

Crackhead: Ha, ha. For real, I'm never smoking crack again. I've got a job now.

Cop: A job? (laughs) That's rich. Well, I better not catch you hawking a piece of dental floss as Christina Aguilera's underwear you hear?

Crackhead: Yes, officer. (Cop walks away. Crackhead looks around then looks behind a building) It's okay, you can come out now.

(Crackhead's Woman walks out from behind the building. Crackhead starts to walk and talk with her)

Crackhead: Now, don't worry. I'm gonna be a good pimp. I'd never slap a woman. It's gonna be good though, all pimps start somewhere. I'm gonna be the next Bishop Don Magic Juan, and I'll have my own documentary on HBO. Snoop Dogg gonna ask me to talk on his next record. I'm gonna be big, baby!

(END SKITS)

Fixing Things

2005-03-28T03:05:00.000-06:00

Just a little note that I fixed some things. First, the link in the post about "Jorun Vs. The Alarm Clock" is fixed. Also, I fixed my feed. I found out that the feed I linked to was password-protected. The feed is now available to everyone via the XML link. You also might see some subtle cosmetic changes as I give this blog some more attention. I will try to post some more works from my archives later this week.

Skit: Access Hollywood

2005-03-26T02:13:00.000-06:00

Can you believe it? I'm actually posting two days in a row!

Anyway, here is another brand new skit. I wrote this in the same timeframe as the Axe Commercial skit, as in about three days ago. This skit is a parody of the entertainment show Access Hollywood. The targets in this sketch include 50 Cent, Marcia Cross, Randy Jackson (of American Idol) and Britney Spears (sort of). I hope you like it.

WARNING: This skit contains some rough language and potentially offensive content.

Access Hollywood Skit

This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 2.5 License.

Announcer: Lights! Camera! Access!

(Billy Bush and Shaun Robinson are on the stage.)

Billy: I'm Billy Bush, the cool Bush relative!

Shaun: And I'm the gorgeous Shaun Robinson in for that she-think-she-cute Nancy O' Dell.

Billy: Today on our show, 50 Cent talks exclusively with Access Hollywood about the beef he recently resolved with The Game...

(Cut to segment from interview. 50 Cent and Interviewer are sitting in chairs.)

Interviewer: What was the reason behind the beef between you two?

50 Cent: That nigga thought he was an individual. He didn't understand that all G-Unit members have to hate what I hate, love what I love, and fuck what I fuck. The Game thought he could have a mind of his own.

Interviewer: And he can't?

50 Cent: Hell no! I'm the only person in G-Unit allowed to think for himself. If it wasn't for me, Lloyd Banks would still be outside shaking keys in the rain!

(Cut back to Billy and Shaun)

Shaun: And in another Access Hollywood exclusive, American Idol judge Randy Jackson gives his take on the season thus far...

(Cut to Randy Jackson standing at some Hollywood event with a microphone in his face)

Randy: Yeah, man, it's tight, ya know. It's aiight, kind of pitchy but a little over the top. Dawg, man, dude, girl, it's da bomb, yo! Not that good, happening, it's back yo! Near and dear to my heart, ya know, YEAHHHHH! Cool, phat, slick, rad, word to ya mama, a bag of chips with some hot sauce! Totally off the heezy chain fa sheezy sleazy feezy double deezy fo' shizzle my...

(Cut back to Billy and Shaun)

Billy: And Marcia Cross puts those gay rumors to rest only on Access Hollywood...

(Cut to Marcia sitting in a chair)

Marcia: Of course I'm not gay. And even if I was, I wouldn't be attracted to any of the other women on my show. Rosie O' Donnell would be more my type. I like 'em fat and manly...

(Cut back to Billy and Shaun)

Shaun: Finally, our new corresponded Tim Vincent visits Britney "Mrs. Federline" Spears at home.

(Cut to Tim and Britney standing in Britney's bedroom)

(Tim has an English accent)

Tim: What do you think about how your marriage is portrayed in the tabloids?

Britney: (laughs)

Tim: (angrily) What's so god damn funny?

Britney: (laughing) Your...accent!

Tim: (angrily) So you think British accents are funny, do you? You can talk you fucking bitch!

(Cut back to Billy and Shaun)

Billy: All of this and more...

Shaun: Only on Access Hollywood!

(END SKIT)

Skit: Axe Commercial

2005-03-25T02:43:00.000-06:00

It's been a long time coming, but I'm back.

This skit is a World Premiere. It's not something from my personal archives. It's not posted on another site. This is brand new and has never been posted before.

Basically, this skit is a parody of the popular commercials for the men's body spray Axe.

WARNING: This skit contains some rough language and potentially offensive content.

Axe Commercial

This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 2.5 License.

Setting: Store, In The Deodorant Aisle

(Man is standing in aisle looking at shelf)

Announcer: Axe introduces several new varieties...

(Man picks up a can and spays some on himself. A beautiful woman walks up to him seductively.)

Beautiful Woman: You’re so hot! I’d love to have you fuck me...all! Night! Long! But I don’t want to be the other woman...

Man: What the?

Announcer: Introducing Axe Married Man. Because women always want what they can’t have.

(Beautiful Woman walks away)

Man: That sucks!

(Man picks up another can from the shelf and sprays it. An unattractive woman walks shyly towards him.)

Unattractive Woman: Wow! I can’t believe you’re interested in me. (Writes down stuff on paper) Here’s my number. Call me. (seductively) Oh, and I’ve got three flavors of edible underwear for your pleasure!

(Unattractive Woman walks away.)

Man: Oh my God! Gross!

Announcer: Introducing Axe Ugly Girl, because you settle for what you can get.

(Man picks up another bottle hurriedly and sprays it on himself. Baby Mama walks towards him quickly and slaps him.)

Baby Mama: Where yo ass been? You haven’t seen your son TeeTee since he was born! He’s five years old now and wants his daddy!

Man: I don’t have any kids!

Baby Mama: Mmm-hmm. You betta get ready! I’m taking your ass to the Maury show and I’m gettin’ my child support!

(Baby Mama walks away quickly)

Announcer: Introducing Axe Baby Mama Drama...

Man (looking towards sky): Oh shut the hell up!

(Man picks up another can and sprays it on himself. Gay Guy walks towards him.)

Gay Guy: Oh my god, you are such a hottie!

Man: No! God no!

Announcer: Introducing Axe Gay, because not everyone has gaydar.

Gay Guy: Don’t worry, I’m a great teacher!

(Man runs away very fast. Gay guy casually follows)

Announcer: There’s an Axe fragrance for every guy. Also available, Axe Biracial, because two races is better than one.

(END SKIT)

Updates Are Forthcoming

2005-01-19T03:37:00.000-06:00

Hi! Happy New Year! It's been a very long time since I updated this site. The most recent thing I did was license the work on here under a Creative Commons License (see the link on the side). One of my New Year's resolutions is to do more creative writing and my goal is to put more of my older works up and create some brand-new stuff exclusively for this blog. So, look out for some updates later this month. Meanwhile, please check out my personal blog for some good non-fiction reading.

Fiction Press: "Friends Over Fire"

2004-09-14T03:59:00.000-05:00

"Friends Over Fire" was the very first short story I wrote...apart from the stuff I did when I was six years old, I mean. It's a futuristic tale about a teenage girl living in a war-torn world who meets an unusual family and discovers things about them and herself. This story has been "published" in NU Sense, the black literary magazine of Northwestern University. I tried to revive it when I was a freshman, but it lasted exactly one issue. That issue included this story.

There is no discernable inspiration for this story. It's sci-fi, but I have read very little sci-fi. It's main character is a teenage girl, and I was a teenage guy when I first worked on it. Frankly, this story came out of nowhere. But it's probably the best story I've ever written. Weird how that works out.

So, check out my very first (real) short story, "Friends Over Fire" at this link:
http://www.fictionpress.com/read.php?storyid=1477021

Skit: "Elimitrox"

2004-09-14T03:43:00.000-05:00

Here's another skit from my archives, although it's not that old (it's from 2003). Basically, it's my parody of those commercials for prescription drugs. What's great about those commercials is all the stuff they have to say in such a short amount of time. All those warnings about interactions and side effects conflict greatly with the positive images onscreen.

So, check out the prescription drug commercial parody entitled "Elimitrox"

Elimitrox by Sterling Fisher

This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 2.5 License.

Announcer: Suffering from seasonal allergies? Need relief from the congestion, sneezing, and watery eyes? Then ask your doctor about Elimitrox, the number one prescribed allergy medicine by uninformed and inexperienced doctors.

Man: I used to hate gardening because the plants would aggravate my allergies. But now that Elimitrox allows me to garden without sneezing, I can say I hate gardening because it sucks and it's hard work.

Woman: My family would stay away from me because I sneezed so much, but thanks to Elimitrox, they stay away from me not because of my sneezes but because I only bathe once every six months.

(Man and Woman look at each other and smile as Announcer begins to talk again)

Announcer: (talking quickly) Elimitrox is not for everyone. The most common side effects are dry mouth, nosebleeds, dizziness, and uncontrollable gaseous emissions. Other less occurring side effects include sudden drowsiness, tremors, vomiting, diarrhea, baldness, loss of bladder control, bad breath, reduction in size of sexual organs in both men and women, the ability to hear colors, belief that Tupac Shakur is not only alive but hiding out in rural Iceland, premature senility and death. In studies, there was an uncommonly high occurrence of side effects compared to sugar pill. Patients who have hypertension, heart or liver problems, AIDS or HIV, diabetes, acid-reflux disease, clinical depression, ADHD, size 10 feet for both males and females, a lazy eye, or the film "How High" on DVD should not take Elimitrox. Women who are pregnant, thinking about getting pregnant, or considering the possibility of getting pregnant within the next 10 years should not take Elimitrox, handle broken pills, or even touch the bottle it is contained in without three layers of latex gloves. If you are taking any other drugs, legal or otherwise, do not take Elimitrox without consulting your doctor first. On second thought, it's okay to take Elimitrox if you are smoking weed or snorting Oxycontin, but that's it. If you experience any medical problems while taking Elimitrox, contact your doctor immediately. Actually, don't worry about contacting the doctor. By the time you do, it'll already be too late.

Man: So take Elimitrox!

Woman: And eliminate your allergy symptoms today!

Announcer: A product of Crazy Ass Pharmaceuticals, kinda sorta helping people since 2010. Elimitrox patented 2003.

END SKETCH

Fiction Press: "Jorun vs. The Alarm Clock"

2004-09-10T04:45:00.000-05:00

No new work yet, but here is one of the three short stories that is on my Fiction Press website.

I got the inspiration for "Jorun vs. The Alarm Clock" from one simple truth: many of us hate to get up in the morning. The buzz or siren of an alarm clock annoys many a person. The sad thing is how much we need alarm clocks. I know that I would definitely oversleep if I didn't have my alarm clock on. So, I thought...what if an alarm clock went off and wouldn't stop going? It's as simple as that.

This was the second short story I ever finished. It's also the first (and only time) I've tried to write anything that's near-creepy. However, I think the ending could've been done better. I'm no M. Night Shymalan.

Well, here is the link to "Jorun vs. The Alarm Clock.":
http://www.fictionpress.com/read.php?storyid=270084

Lack of Updates

2004-08-30T04:09:00.000-05:00

Hey!

Sorry about the lack of updates lately. My life has been kind of busy with various things (check out my personal blog if you want to know more). However, I plan to give this site some more attention over the next couple of weeks. I will dig into my archives to bring you more of my work. In addition, I've bought and read some books that may help me. They include: On Writing by Stephen King, The Elements of Style by William Strunk Jr. And E. B. White, and The Comic Toolbox by John Vorhaus. Stephen King's book really motivated me to do some writing, even if I haven't exactly found time yet. I definitely recommend all three books if you haven't read them.

So, keep a look out...more of my work is coming.

Skit: "The Story of Dusty"

2004-07-23T06:29:00.000-05:00

Like “Begot’s Ice Cream Shop” and “The Bill Collector,” “The Story of Dusty” was performed as part of “Out Da Box.” However, it was performed the following year, my Senior year. In fact, it was the only skit I submitted that ended up being performed. Another skit, “Kidz Jamz,” was cut for time.

Now, in order for you to truly understand this skit, I have to explain a couple of things. The main character, Dusty, shares his name with a term for a certain type of African-American. The term “dusty” basically describes an African-American person who is completely out of touch with the black community. Not only is the person out of touch with the community, but he/she doesn’t even attempt to be a part of it. He/she won’t have any black friends or associates. This person won’t go to any black events and basically acts like a white person (one who isn't open-minded). That’s my personal definition of the term. The term was circulated heavily among the black community at my college, Northwestern University, which is predominantly white. The term originated with a black student (who I knew) and ended up becoming part of the vernacular at the school.

My skit basically tells the story of a dusty named...Dusty. It has thinly veiled references to aspects of life as a black student at Northwestern. The Office of Minority Affairs in the skit is code for the Office of African-American Student Affairs (a.k.a. “The Black House”). In writing the skit, I kind of drew from both what I thought a dusty was as well as my own experiences. Although I stayed active in the black community at the school, most of the closest friends I made there are white. Also, like Dusty, I too had a white roommate when I first arrived at college.

Ultimately, the skit isn’t meant to be disrespectful towards African-Americans who don’t act “black.” The skit is meant to make those African-Americans who shun the black community think twice before doing so. You can’t help how you’re raised, but you can do your best to expand your horizons. African-Americans are not a monolithic group. Many of us may share common beliefs, but we are a diverse group of people. I am proud to be an African-American and I think every other African-American should be too.

One last footnote: “SA-dub” refers to S.A.W., the Summer Academic Workshop. It’s held at NU every summer for black and Latino students and helps them adjust to college life with classes and other activities.

Now, here’s “The Story of Dusty.”

The Story of Dusty

Characters
Narrator: M/F
Dusty: M
Tom: M
David: M
James: M
Shatisha: F

Narrator: Now boys and girls, it’s time for a story...The Story of Dusty. Dusty, a young African-American male, eagerly awaits his first year at a prominent predominantly white university.

Dusty (to audience): College is going to be great! Lots of new people to meet! Lots of clubs to join! I can’t wait!

Narrator: Yep, he sure couldn’t. The days passed and it was finally time for Dusty to go to college. His parents drove him to his dorm and after a few days, Dusty got settled in with his white roommate, Tom.

Dusty: Hey Tom, is it cool if we hang out?

Tom: Sure Dusty, no problem. We’re heading to a frat party, want to come?

Dusty: Yep, let’s go!

(Dusty and Tom head offstage)

Narrator: For the first few weeks of school, Dusty was content. His classes were tough, but nothing he couldn’t handle. He and Tom and Tom’s friends hung out every weekend, and he found tons of attractive white girls to date. However, whenever he passed by other African-Americans they did strange things.

(Dusty and David are walking towards each other from opposite sides of the stage)

David: Hey, what’s up brotha?

(Dusty looks away and slowly ducks as he passes by David. David turns around and looks at Dusty funny as he leaves the stage.)

Dusty: What the hell was his problem? He doesn’t know me!

Narrator: The next day, Dusty received a letter about a get together for African-American students at the Office of Minority Affairs. He decided to go and see what was going on.

(Opens up with Dusty on stage and other black people around him talking)

Narrator: Dusty came to the social and saw there were many more African-American students at the school than he realized. He didn’t recognize most of them. He decided to mingle and listen to the conversations the other students were having. Dusty walked over to one group and decided to watch and listen.

David: How’d you do on your paper?

James: Man, I got beasted on it.

David: What you get?

James: A “C.”

David: Damn, that is some sussness right there. That prof must hate you, dog.

(Girl walks over)

Shatisha: Hey!

David: Hey girl, how you doin? (hugs Shatisha)

Shatisha: I’m alright.

(Shatisha hugs James)

James: How your classes goin?

Shatisha: They’re a beast! After S.A.-dub, I didn’t think the classes would be this hard!

David: So, you gonna pledge?

Shatisha: I don’t know...I was thinking of becoming a sweetheart, but a lot of my friends are Deltas.

Narrator: Dusty stood listening to the conversation and was very confused.

Dusty (voice-over): Beast? Sussness? SA-dub? What do those words mean? I’ve never heard of them before. Is SA-dub some type of audio project?

James: Hey! (taps Dusty) Hey Dog, what’s up? I ain’t seen you before. What’s your name?

Dusty: Dusty?

James: Dusty, aww ok. Nice to meet you.

David: Hey, uh, Dusty...that’s yo name right? What’s with your clothes?

Dusty: What? What’s wrong with them?

David: You look like you stepped out of The Catcher in The Rye, man.

Shatisha: Leave him alone! Dusty, where are you from?

Dusty: New Hampshire.

David: See? He a blueblood and shit!

James: Man, shut up. Seriously, we gonna go get some food, but it was nice talking to you.

Shatisha: See you around, Dusty.

Narrator: Dusty was so embarrassed by the comments from the one guy that he left the social without talking to another soul. (pause as Dusty leaves) Dusty went home and cried, as people like Dusty do, and made a surprising decision.

Dusty: I’m not dealing with black people on this campus anymore! They expect me to be just like them, but I’m not! They didn’t even give me a chance! Well, they won’t embarrass Dusty Jenkins again! I’m never going back to the Office of Minority Affairs! I have my white and Indian friends and they do just fine!

Narrator: Hence, Dusty avoided contact with all black students. He never took an African-American Studies course. He never took a US History course that covered slavery or the Civil Rights Movement. He never said hello to any black person, even if he knew them.

(Dusty and James are walking from opposite directions)

James: Hey, what’s up Dusty?

(Dusty walks by quickly and ducks down a bit)

James: Hey, yo, Dusty! Dusty! What’s up, man! Hey, forget you then! (walks offstage)

Narrator: Dusty went through the rest of his college career only associating with his family and not with black people on the campus. However, word spread among the African-American community about Dusty.

Shatisha: Yeah, I know about Dusty. He walked right past me without even smiling or saying hello even though I was in the same class as him. But when I turned around, I saw him looking at my booty. What a bastard!

David: I’ve seen Dusty around campus. He’s the only dark face in whatever group of friends he’s with. No one’s ever seen him with a black person at all. What, he don’t realize he black or somethin?

Narrator: After four years, Dusty graduated from the predominantly white university. He went to grad school somewhere in the Northeast, and quietly faded into the real world. No one knows what happened to Dusty, or if Dusty was in fact his real name. He could be anywhere from the President’s cabinet to the Supreme Court. Him and people just like him are everywhere, disavowing their heritage and being puppets for various groups. They have lost all connection to the African-American community while supposedly representing them. So, boys and girls, as we conclude our story, there is one valuable lesson to be learned. When you go to your prestigious universities and top-flight jobs, don’t forget who you are and remember...don’t be a Dusty.

(END SKETCH)

This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 2.5 License.

Fiction Press: More from "Out Da Box"

2004-07-19T23:28:00.000-05:00

I said in an earlier post that I wouldn’t repost anything that I put onto my Fiction Press site. However, I will link to the things on that site. First up, it’s three skits from “Out Da Box.” The three skits, “The New DJ Mixtape,” “The Bill Collector,” and “The WB’s New Lineup” all were performed the same year as the very first skit I wrote, “Begot’s Ice Cream Shop.” Here’s the background on these skits:

“The Bill Collector”: In my household, getting phone calls from bill collectors was a common occurrence. We always screened our calls whether by letting the answering machine get the phone before we answered or by looking at the caller ID once we got it. So, I thought that those various experiences we’ve had (combined with some funny new ones) would make a good skit. This is probably one of the best skits I’ve written, and it’s one of my personal favorites. When this was performed, the bill collector was played by a man instead of the woman I originally wrote it as. It still worked out well.

“The New DJ Mixtape”: This came about simply because of downloading. You see, back in the glory days of file sharing before file sharers and companies were sued, I would look for hip-hop songs to download. It seemed like whenever I would download a song, it would be a version that came from a mixtape. If you’ve ever listened to a mixtape, then you know the drill. A song plays and the DJ shouts over the track the name of the song and the artist. Also, the DJ would scream his name and occasionally yell during the song (like when it would get good) to keep other DJs from stealing the song. This type of thing annoyed the crap out of me. So, naturally I took that rage and created a skit where the DJ on a mixtape says weird things and interacts with the listeners. Oh, and the DJ’s name in the skit is a combination of DJ Clue and Funkmaster Flex.

“The WB’s New Lineup”: I don’t really know how I came up with this skit (which is outdated as of now), but there are some things I noticed upon finishing it. I guess you could say it’s a response to the tactic that “new” networks use to gather ratings. When they were in their infancy, both FOX and WB courted black viewers. Statistically, black people watch more TV than any other racial group. In addition, after The Cosby Show ended, there really weren’t any black-themed shows on the big networks. Courting black viewers let the networks build their viewership. However, back in 1995 (I don’t remember for certain), FOX “whitewashed” their lineup, canceling several black shows including In Living Color, Roc, and The Sinbad Show (which only lasted one season). The WB did the same thing gradually, as they canceled Sister, Sister, The Parent Hood, The Wayans Brothers (which didn’t get a final episode), The Steve Harvey Show, and For Your Love. Today, both networks have sparse black offerings as UPN picks up where they left off. My skit is basically the reverse of what happened at FOX and The WB. All the white shows are canceled and replaced with black shows instead.

Here are the links for these skits:

"The Bill Collector": http://www.fictionpress.com/read.php?storyid=1477839
"The New DJ Mixtape": http://www.fictionpress.com/read.php?storyid=1477839&chapter=2
"The WB's New Lineup": http://www.fictionpress.com/read.php?storyid=1477839&chapter=3

You can leave any comments at that site or on this post.

Unfinished/Abandoned: “The Biggest Hit”

2004-07-16T20:46:00.000-05:00

This poor idea. Okay, where do I begin?

A long time ago, I had an idea to do a series of short stories. They would be sort of inspired by Pulp Fiction, but different. Each of them was going to focus on various funny and unusual situations. By the end, you’d realize how connected they all were, kind of like the movie Magnolia but I thought of this before I saw that movie.

One of those stories was one I ended up calling “The Biggest Hit.” Basically, it involved two friends who were stoners. They come across an extremely large amount of weed in some convoluted way. Then, one of their friends (or in an alternate version, one of them) smokes up the entire truck full of weed and overdoses. The humor in this was supposed to come from the fact that he overdosed on weed. In fact, it’s supposedly physically impossible to overdose on pure weed. The chemical makeup of the plant prevents this (and becoming physically addicted) from happening.

For some reason, I just cannot get this idea down in a good way. I tried it first as a short story, which is what I am going to post here. As the title of this post says, it’s unfinished. After a couple of tries, I abandoned the short story in favor of writing a comedy skit. I personally think the skit version sucks, but I will post it at a later date. After writing the skit version, I just abandoned the idea entirely. Maybe I will revisit it someday. After all, with Harold & Kumar Go To White Castle set to come out soon, I could get inspired. We’ll have to see.

Now, here’s my unfinished short story version of “The Biggest Hit.” (Contains some mild language)

The Biggest Hit
A Short Story by Sterling Fisher

“I can’t believe we got it!” yelled Tim as he walked down the street.
“Shh...calm down, man! We don’t want anyone to suspect anything,” replied Daniel, Tim’s best friend who was walking right beside him.
“Right, right. It’s cool. But boy, I cannot wait to get back to your place!” Tim had a big smile on his spectacled face and his eyes were as wide as frisbees. Daniel gave him a look not unlike a mother gives to a hyperactive little boy. Tim instantly calmed down and gave his best bud a little smirk.
“You really need to relax, man. Besides we’re almost there.” The two turned down a residential street and past a few houses before reaching Daniel’s residence. They walked towards the backyard and there sat, right behind the house, a small cargo truck.
“Yes, yes, yes, yes! This is it, baby! In that truck is more than 600 pounds of quality weed! We never need to buy another dimebag again!” Tim jumped for joy. Daniel walked over to the hatch and got ready to open it.
“Let’s take another look then get some,” Daniel said. He opened the hatch and a look of utter bewilderment came across him. Tim tapped him on the shoulder.
“What’s wrong Danny? Why did you stop....oh hell no!!!! Hell no!!” Tim yelled as he saw why Daniel looked so weird. Instead of the bundles upon bundles of plastic wrapped marijuana they expected to see, they saw mounds upon mounds of ashes. A man was lying unconscious next to the ashes with a bong, an empty wax paper package, and an unusually happy look on his face.
“Dammit! Dammit! Dammit! That’s George!”
“George? The always willing to mooch off somebody George? The George who pawned my $300 watch to buy a PlayStation 2? This George just smoked 600 pounds of weed in the three hours we were gone?! I’m gonna kill him!” Tim climbed inside the truck and lunged at George. Daniel climbed inside the truck and lunched at him. They both fell down into a pile of ashes which spread into clouds and made them cough and gag.
“Tim! Relax man! You’re going to kill him!” Tim continued going for the unconscious George, desperately trying to grab his leg. Daniel pulled at Tim, keeping him from grabbing George.
“Let me at ‘em, dammit! He smoked up enough weed to last the two of us for years! That’s it, man! I’m gonna kill him!”
“Don’t do it, man! It’s bad enough all the weed’s gone, killing George won’t help anything.”
“It’ll help me relieve my stress!”
“Or go to jail.”
“Like stealing a police cargo truck with 600 pounds of weed won’t do the same thing!” They tussled for a while before Tim just plain gave up and flopped down in the ashes. Daniel got up and walked over towards George. He was barely breathing. Daniel opened George’s eyes—they were rolled back into his head.
“Aww crap!”
“What now?”
“I think George OD’ed.”
“What? Come on Danny! Even I know you can’t OD on weed!”
“Think about it. George just smoked 600 pounds in 3 hours. That’s 200 pounds an hour. What’s the most you’ve smoked at one time?”
“I smoked an eight ounce blunt once. It took a long time to finish.”

This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 2.5 License

The Archive: “Begot’s Ice Cream Shop”

2004-07-16T20:13:00.000-05:00

For the first official post on this new creative writing blog, I decided to go back into my "archive." I originally wrote this skit way back when I was in high school, along with my first full-length short story "Friends Under Fire." This is the first skit I can remember writing. A program on PBS called The Ice Cream Show inspired it. The show went across the country to ice cream shops and detailed their histories, menus, and their quirks. One ice cream shop on the East Coast had a tradition of using ice cream lingo. For example, among the male employees, whenever they would say "vanilla" it meant that a beautiful woman had walked in. I took this idea, expanded it, and turned it into a hilarious and offensive skit.

Years later, this skit ended up being performed as part of "Out Da Box," a yearly sketch comedy revue at Northwestern University produced by the African-American Theater Ensemble. It was just one of a few skits that I wrote that made it into that year’s show. The other skits from that year are posted at my Fiction Press site. I won’t be reposting things from my Fiction Press site on this blog. However, i will link to the things on there from this blog in the future.

So, I hope you enjoy this bit of sketch comedy in its original, choppy form. And be warned...if you are sensitive to edgy humor, don’t read any further.

Sketch # 1

Setting: Ice Cream Shop
Time: Daytime

(Opens with shot of an average-looking ice cream shop. Three workers are behind the counter serving customers. The customers leave and Man #1 approaches counter.)

Female Worker: Hi and welcome to Begot's Ice Cream Shop. What would you like today?

Man #1: Umm, I would like a double scoop ice cream cone, please.

Female Worker: What kind of ice cream would you like on the cone?

Man #1: Vanilla.

Female Worker: Coming right up. (To other two workers) Hey! This man wants two crackers' heads on a stick!

Man #1: (Surprised) Excuse me, I didn't order that!

Female Worker: You ordered a double scoop cone of vanilla didn't you?

Man #1: Yes I did.

Female Worker: Well, there shouldn't be a problem. Do you want your ice cream on a cone cone or on a cup cone?

Man #1: A cup cone, please.

Female Worker: Okay, sir. (To other workers) Hey! Get the two crackers' heads on sticks in a pit!

Man #1: Why do you keep saying I want "crackers heads"?

Female Worker: I'm sorry. When we take orders, we use a special lingo to communicate them so that it would be easy for our workers to understand.

(Male Worker #1 comes to the side of the counter where FW and M#1 are with an ice cream cone)

Male Worker #1: Here is your double scoop cup cone of vanilla ice cream. Anything else?

Man #1: No, thank you.

Female Worker: That'll be $1.75.

(Man pays for cone and hurriedly leaves. Woman #1 enters.)

Male Worker #1: Welcome to Begot's Ice Cream Shop, can I help you?

Woman #1: I heard you sell rose flavored ice cream, is that true?

Male Worker #1: Yes it is. It has real rose petals in it.

Woman #1: I'll take two scoops of it in a cup, please.

Male Worker #1: Coming right up. (To Male Worker #2) Hey! This woman wants two lesbians in a bed together.

Woman #1 (Nervously): No, no, no, no! I ordered rose ice cream in a cup. I didn't say anything about two lesbians!!!

Male Worker #1: Your sexual orientation does not discriminate you here at Begot's ice cream shop. We serve everyone equally regardless of race, color,...

(Woman #1 gets disgusted and leaves. Man #2 and Woman #2 enter. Man #2 must be African-American and Woman #2 must be White)

Male Worker #2: Uh-oh! Here comes a chocolate sundae with vanilla ice cream!

Man #2: What did you just say?

Male Worker #2: Welcome to Begot's Ice Cream, can I help you?

(Man #2 relaxes and walks over to counter)

Man #2: You know you must have read my mind, because I came in here to get a chocolate sundae with vanilla ice cream. Give us two please.

Male Worker #2: (Shouts to other worker) Give me two OJ Simpsons! (To Man #2) Do you want toppings on your sundaes?

Man #2 (to Woman #2): What do you want on your sundae, dear?

Woman #2: Nuts, that's it.

Male Worker #2: Put some BIG NUTS on one of those OJ's!

Man #2 (to Male Worker #2, angry): What the hell is your problem?

Male Worker #2: Is there a problem, sir?

Man #2 (angry): Hell yeah! The language you are using is shameful.

Male Worker #2: What language, sir?

Man #2: You know, the (quietly) big nuts comment.

Male Worker #2: Sir, I’m not gay.

Man #2 (furious): Why you son of a...(to Woman #2) come on dear, we’re leaving!!!

(Man #2 & Woman #2 leave out hurriedly)

Male Worker #2: What a soft serve.

(Father and son enter the store)

Father: Hey Jimmy, why don’t we get some ice cream?

Son: OK, Daddy! I want some rainbow sherbert!

Father: OK, OK. (to Female Worker) Hi, can I get a cup of rainbow sherbert and a cup of rocky road please.

Female Worker: Of course, sir. (To Back) Gimme one gay pride parade and one midlife crisis.

Father: No, no. I said a cup of rainow sherbert and a cup of rocky road ice cream. Maybe you got it confused.

Female Worker: That’s what I said sir, a cup of rainbow sherbert and a cup of rocky road ice cream.

Voice from Back: Say the first one again!!

Female Worker (to back, slowly): One gay pride parade! Sheesh, that’s what I get for working with caramels.

Father: Jimmy, we’re just going to have to get ice cream from somewhere else. (They exit)

Male Worker #2: What a slow week, I guess business won’t pick up until the vanilla ice cream with whipped creams comes.

Female Worker: Or when the Republican National Convention comes to town.

END

This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 2.5 License.

What This Blog Is All About

2004-07-15T06:43:00.000-05:00

Hi! Welcome to Everyday Author, my creative writing blog. In it you will find skits, scripts and original fiction in addition to unfinished works, works-in-progress, and even story ideas.

I created this blog to motivate myself to do more creative writing. I hope that this blog will do for my creative writing what my personal blog did for personal writing. Before I started my personal blog, I rarely ever wrote down my thoughts. Now, I post my thoughts frequently and have fun doing so...plus I get to share them with the world.

I encourage everyone who comes here to give me feedback on my writing. Tell me if you like it or if you hate it. Give me suggestions on how to make my writing better. I’m open-minded and can handle the criticism.

So, I hope that you enjoy the various creative things to pop from my head and keep checking back for more great stuff.

Everyday Author opened on July 15, 2004.