Everyday Tales of Woe

Naming Storms

2013-03-24T11:11:00.000-04:00

It has come to my attention that the National Weather Service has started naming all storms.

Ah, the good old days when only Hurricanes and Cyclones got named... now every storm has a name. I presume they've done this out of "fairness". Other storms complained because naming wasn't inclusive, and try as they might, just because they couldn't form a big storm circle on either side of the earth, they could NOT get a name... they probably sued or had their storm labor union strike or something.

It could also be a marketing ploy for Meteorologists (who have not been very good at predicting when giant rocks hurtle from space and nearly take out a Russian city, or what the weather will be the next day) to get on the air more because they now have a storm with a name, so they can create all sorts of cool graphics and storm theme music and look all concerned and worried while they're in a nice cushy studio... sending the lower ranking minions to brave the impending named storm.

Now everything gets named... literally EVERYTHING.

It use to be (and excuse me while I hitch up my old people's ranting pants) that the earth had seasons.

In the summer it was hot
In the winter it was cold
In the spring there was a lot of rain
In the fall there were annoying leaves

It happened every year. Sometimes we'd have a LOT of snow. Sometimes we didn't. Sometimes we had a LOT of rain, sometimes we didn't. Sometimes it would be very cold, or very hot depending on the thing we use to call "Seasons".

When I was a kid we had a blizzard. This was different than the other feet of snow we had every winter because it was literally lots of feet of snow... all at once.... in a big heap.

We called it: The Blizzard of 78. Catchy. It was a blizzard, and it happened in 1978... we didn't name it Charlie or something.

When people say "Hey, where were you during the Blizzard of 78" people know what you're talking about.

When you say: "Where were you during Charlie?" What? Are you on drugs or something? Who freakin knows what you're talking about. Charlie the Hurricane? What year was that? Who freakin knows!

So, the whole naming thing is incredibly stupid enough, but now they name EVERYTHING! Minor squall in the Midwest... gets a name. Rain shower in eastern Kansas... gets a name. As a matter of fact, there have been so many named storms this winter, that one today (March 24th... 4 days after spring... tar and feather the groundhog) that a "blizzard" that isn't really a blizzard is being named "Virgil". There have been so many stupid named storms this winter that they are on "V"... I predict next year they'll have to start the alphabet over because they just can't help themselves but hype something they know nothing about, have no idea what will happen, and then express some disappointment when it turns into nothing and people don't die.

Freakin vultures.

Next we'll be required to name our bowel movements.

Sucked Into Another Product

2012-12-01T10:19:00.000-05:00

For weeks now, Lobsterman and I have been intrigued by the SodaStream commercials. Frankly I was more amazed at how cool the exploding bottles of soda were, but he was in it for the actual fizzy possibilities.

Frankly, I'm not a big soda drinker. I use to be addicted to Diet Pepsi, then Dr. Pepper, but after serving in our great Armed Forces over in Germany, I became addicted to the warm, not so fizzy, pretty bland Fanta orange soda over there. Much like beer, and McDonald's Big Macs, once I got back to the states I realized just how much crap, preservatives, sugar, syrup, and blech goes into all of our products. I gave up beer, Big Macs, and soda, only trying them all once in a while as a reminder of how crappy they tasted.

We are a HUGE fan of sparkly water though, but HOLY CRAP the price of Pellegrino is insane for bubbly water!

So, of course, there was a very helpful (and incredibly nice) SodaStream demonstrator in Costco, who answered all of my questions (the biggest question was: can we just make fizzy water, answer is YES), and who let me choose a flavor to try out. I opted for lemon lime. He showed me how to screw the bottle of water on, pump the thing three times, add the flavoring, mix it gently, tah dah, soda.

I tasted it and pronounced "Holy crap, it's Sprite!", but it wasn't really Sprite because Sprite is all syrupy and too sweet and leaves a nasty film on my mouth and tongue... this didn't. It was actually refreshing! Best part (to me anyway) is that when you get the bottle of flavoring, you can add as much or as little as you want... great potential for recreating bland German-like Fanta orange soda here.

I honestly don't see why you couldn't, after fizzying the plain water, just add whatever juice or flavoring you want, and we'll be giving that a shot. Oh yeah, I had him throw one of them in my cart.

Now, there are some things to be aware of before you go all wacky nuts and run out and get one.

There is a "carbonator" tank that comes with it. When it runs out, you exchange it (kinda like propane tanks) and exchange price depends on the size of your tank. Some stores will exchange the tanks right there, or you can tell SodaStream to send you a replacement, they do, then you put the old one in the prepaid box and ship it back.

The scoop I got from the SodaStream demo guy was that most stores only have the small bottle models. The one from Costco is the 130l big bottle. If you get a machine that takes the big bottle, then you can use a big bottle or a small bottle. But if you buy a machine that uses the small bottle, you can't use the big bottle... just letting you know.

The model I bought had 12 samples of diet and regular flavors. We're in the process of testing them out. I have no idea how much the actual bottles of flavoring cost, frankly we're just in it for the fizzy water, but we'll probably go check out the bottles of Raspberry and other tasty, tasty flavors (there's a gazillion of them).

So far I've tried the lemon lime (tastes like Sprite) and we tried the Orange (too much Orange for me, and tastes like Orange Crush, we watered it down and it tasted almost German Fanta to me). I'll let everyone know if the "cola" tastes like Pepsi, Coke, or otherwise.

As far as cost goes, even with the whole tank exchange price (the 130l tank makes 130 liters of bubbly whatever, which is 65 2-liter bottles, and in my crappy math skillz I figured that would be $40 of bubbly stuff versus about $100 for 65 2-liter bottles of soda) so yeah, there's some savings in there, but also less waste, more variety, ability to flavor how you want, and tasty, tasty, fresh fizzy stuff when you want it.

So, go out and check out the SodaStream Web site and make sure you know what you're getting into and whether it is something for you, or not. I'm just sayin... it's tasty and convenient. Your taste may be different.

Been A While

2012-11-18T20:53:00.000-05:00

Yeah, yeah, I've got crazy things going on, so it has been a while, hasn't it?

We managed to survive Hurricane Sandy, as in: it didn't hit here, all we had is wind, rain, some rain, more wind, lost our power for 15 hours and managed to survive because we had propane and cookstove, and ground coffee.

Go here is you want to see the whole Sandy experience because that's where I cartoon now. I'm not saying that I'll never cartoon here, but most likely it's over there, so just go over there.

Since I last wrote, I most likely bought about 3 new handbags and have only a small amount of shame about that. I did send one off to a friend, so shut up. I'm not going to tell you anything about the new bag because it is THE perfect bag (unlike all of those other perfect bags), this is THE one bag, I actually got it used on e-bay because they don't make them any more, and I'm not telling you have obsessively I searched every web site in the entire world (and do you like how I make that sound like I walked through the entire world looking for it when actually it was more like "google search... click, click, click, scroll, back, click click, scroll).

I'm not even going to post a picture of it, say its name, or hint at its total awesomeness, and a certain person who has one that caused me to fixate and hunt the world for it BETTER NOT SAY ANYTHING IN THE COMMENTS EITHER... because I don't want you to suffer like I did and wait for someone to post it on e-bay and then probably want it back... I suspect that I may have the previous owner stalking me at any time with that e-bay bag regret because I can't imagine how anyone could give something so awesome like that away.

Its maiden voyage was to the Gun Show, because nothing says swanky cool hand bag like a gun show. It was a good test for it, because if I could still love it after carrying it around a gun show, then it was THE perfect bag, and yes, it is the perfect bag.

So the next thing on my list of things to find is long shirts. I hate shirts that are short and apparently shirts are made for normally proportioned people, not those with long legs and long trunks (like elephants), so invariably I end up with a shirt that hangs a little above my belt line and threaten to reveal what some people call a "muffin top" but I think is more bagel if we were to equate flab to bread products. I make no excuses for being blobby, other than the horrific Wii broken foot incident, which is a good reason not to exercise, in that if my bones are so brittle that jumping up and down doing Wii fit causes my foot to shatter in various places, then I should avoid that at all costs. Or the fact that I bought a recumbent bicycle, but have found that leaning back while exercising makes it very easy to just sit on the bike, watch tv and eat cookies, or napping. Likewise, laying down on the floor to do "crunches" is too much like sleeping on the floor, and usually leads me to just sleep on the floor. So, no excuses, other than I want a shirt that is a little longer than "normal" shirts, which makes me hate shirt makers even more in that they think I'm not "normal".

I'm going to try shirts from this place, because they have funny commercials, and frankly, that's exactly what I look for when I'm making shirt purchases. I'm also thinking of getting fire hose pants from them, because I like firemen.

How to Get a Cartoon

2012-08-17T08:46:00.002-04:00

I get requests to cartoon things for people, so rather than send the same blah blah out, I'm putting up this post so I can just cut and paste the link.

There are four ways to get a Penny cartoon: free, personalized, business, non-profit.

Free: You can Facebook post something somewhere that strikes my fancy and I cartoon it. These cartoons end up on the Facebook page "Society of Penny's Cartooned Friends" group (which anyone can join). Feel free to use it for an icon or whatever you want. They do contain a copyright in the cartoon somewhere, so if you do use it, its nice to be tagged or mentioned somewhere, but are NOT to be used to make money off of. (see #3). If you like the cartoon and want it on any merchandise that Cafe Press sells, I'll be more than happy to add it to one of my shops for you to purchase (and yes, I receive a modest commission from Cafe Press). Cartoons in the #1 category will not be modified for any reason no matter how much you beg because that falls under #2. Since I hold copyright on it, I can do whatever I want with it. If, for any reason, you object to the cartoon, simply ask to have it removed, it will be removed and deleted forever. If I see it being used for commercial/business purposes, I will take legal action.
Personalized: You want a special cartoon for whatever reason to use however you personally want. Special cartoons for personal reasons are done for $100.00. For that price, you give me your concept, I create the first draft and you can make/suggestion/ask for reasonable changes until you are satisfied. Once you are satisfied, then you receive a final large version of the cartoon (suitable for print, or just about anything) after you pay for the cartoon (paypal is preferred). There is a small, obscure copyright on the picture, but you are free to use it how you want for personal use. It would be nice if you direct people to me that like them, but that's up to you. I withhold the right to use the cartoon as an example of my work, and promotional purposes but not for sale by me.
Business: If you want a cartoon to be used for a business purpose that will appear in a business logo (creation of a character), article, or will in any way be associated with a company the price STARTS at $250, and varies upon what the company wants done. This includes blogs. My copyright statement will appear on it in an obscure area of the cartoon, and credit is given on Websites somewhere.
Non-Profit: If you are a registered non-profit and having an auction to raise money, I will volunteer to cartoon for the winning bidder as long as the winning bidder is not a business who will use the cartoon for commercial purposes. All proceeds from the auction bid go to the rescue as long as the rescue provides me with a donation statement for the amount of the winning bid. From there I will work with the winning bidder to provide them with their cartoon.

Please note: The only exception I have is that I will not provide business content to another Dog Sled Musher. I draw exclusively for North Wapiti Kennels.

I hope that clears it all up, and if you have any questions, just send me a Facebook direct message, or e-mail me at penny.blankenship@gmail.com.

To see some of my work, go to the official site: Squishy Bags

Higgs Boson... Who Freakin Cares

2012-07-08T13:45:00.000-04:00

I just read the most self-serving article from a scientist that has her panties in a wad because we're all not out dancing in the streets, getting drunk and puking in a stranger's car and celebrating the discovery of something nobody can see.

Apparently scientists have indeed discovered the "Higgs Boson", also known as the "God Particle"... right, sure.

In her own words, sorta... if they hadn't found it, then years of scientific work, 50 years of "hard work" and $10 BILLION dollars building the Large Hadron Collider would have been wasted.

Well, isn't that convenient... you found it, can't show it to anyone, we just have to take your word for it, right?

Like we took your word for it in the 70's that we're heading for an ice age.

90's it's Global Warming (or climate chaos)

Dinosaurs are cold blooded... oh wait, now they're saying warm blooded

Some dinosaurs had horns... oh wait, that's a toe, never mind

Bacon is good for you, bad for you, good for you, bad for you, good for you, ... shut up.

Back to the TEN BILLION spent on that collider. You make it sound like you mowed yards to generate all of that money, then built it yourself. You didn't. We all ponied up that money. We didn't want to. We'd rather not waste money on smashing atoms together and for all we knew you would botch it, create a huge black hole and destroy the earth... at least you didn't do that, but still, I don't think I could find ONE person that wanted their tax dollars going on that piece of crap. I think they would much rather, oh... eat, than allow scientists to waste all that money to find something you can't even see, and take your word for it that it's the ULTIMATE discovery of all discoveries and shows us (if we could actually see it) where "we came from".

Of course, the author of this article thinks that the reason we aren't all exciting and whooping with joy is because they didn't explain it all very well... you know... to us stupid people. They have pop up books and suggests hiring a PR person (um... not on my taxpayer money), and maybe even a video game... because we're just that stupid!

Will Higgs Boson make my car run for free? Will it feed hungry people? Stop wars? Allow us to transport from place to place like on tv? Can I sit on my butt and watch tv and play video games and still have money to eat tasty foods?

No? Then shut up and figure out a way to do all of those things first.

Dear scientists: Nobody cares but you, now stop spending our money on your stupid experiments. By the way, now that you "found" it, what are you going to do with that big piece of crap collider? Can we at least turn it into a skateboard park or something useful? OOOH a demolition derby where we crash cars into each other at supersonic only faster speeds!

A Sign Of Things To Come?

2012-07-01T16:24:00.000-04:00

So, Lobsterman and I have been invited over to This Olde Foreclosed House for a 4th of July cookout. Please note, the nice couple that moved there are really nice, and the house actually looks like a house.

I'll be making my world famous potato salad (from the Hellmann's recipe), and Lobsterman will be making the grilled vidalia onion with butter and beef bouillon nom nom things.

This meant going to the store.

We had the monster storm of 2012 that knocked out power to over 3 million people in three states or more.

We have power, only lost it for about 5 seconds during the storm... others are still waiting. Yes, there is a small amount of guilt involved, but hey... it's not like I'm going to shut off my power to be one with those without power.

Did I mention that it's about 2000 degrees out?

My first observation upon going outside is "why did I even bother taking a shower?" Seriously, I was marinating before I got the front door locked and sprinted to the truck.

We drove to the store, which is located across the street from a mega mall and casino... traffic was crazy insane.

We wanted to get a little something to eat before we went to the store, and had opted for a wedge salad at TGI Fridays, but as we drove by, we saw people going into and out of the new Joe's Crabs... we made a U-turn and parked, walked in... only to find that they weren't open, they were only training.

Seriously? No big sign that says "OPENING ON 3 JULY", you had to walk inside only to be denied tasty steamed crab by the bucketful. BASTARDS!!!!

We didn't bother to tell other hopeful people walking up the sidewalk that their dreams of butter dunked crab would be dashed at the door... screw you, walk through the heat and find out like we did.

We dodged through mall traffic and decided to just get something light at Starbucks, then get the cookout ingredients, which we did.

Then the store... OH.... MY.... GAWD!!!!

It was packed with frantic people as if they had just been told a blizzard may or may not hit within the next 3-6 months. Shelves were bare, people were rude and had that panicked glazed look of self preservation.

Unlike snow storms (milk, bread, and toilet paper), heat waves and power outages create a need for bagels, milk, cases of soda. There were no bagels to be seen. Completely empty, I can only imagine

Luckily for us there were plenty of potato salad and grilled onion recipe things, so we grabbed and ran for the checkout... which was crammed full down lanes. We went to self checkout, which wasn't that bad... but I kept thinking...

I can see people coming to the store to replace items that may have gone bad had they lost power, but as they are still fixing power, there's really no guarantee you won't lose power again while they fix things. Frankly we expect to lose power at some point during all of the work, it's a ticking time bomb on power.

I can see people having not shopped for 4th of July fixings trying to get it now... except it's just ONE day of cooking out... and why bagels and not hot dog buns?

Were people just full tilt bozo nuts and thinking that they had to go stock up on items that easily spoil in case another storm knocked the rest of the state out of commission? Were people coming to the store from miles away because there was nothing open where they lived? Do people really only keep a few day's worth of food in their house?

Are we, as National Geographic calls it: "American Outliers" for having more than a week's worth of food in our house, and the ability to survive on what we had for much longer than that without resorting to a panicked run to the supermarket for bagels, soda, and milk?

I've heard others tell of angry lines at gas stations, getting "free" ice, and other grocery stores, and wonder... this is a weekend and some people are nearly insane with panic over gas and soda... heaven help us all if something really catastrophic happened.

By the way, if any nice business out in the Midwest and West is looking for two hard working outliers... let me know... soon... seriously.

15th Attempt At Blogging

2012-06-17T19:56:00.001-04:00

So far I've written about:

1.) Not having anything to write about
2.) Having things to write about but in the grand scheme of things it just seems like I'm whining like a spoiled child
3.) Why I can't find a freaking hands free device that will fit in my tiny little ear canal without either flinging itself out, or being worse than water boarding (I've been waterboarded, so shut up) with them jabbing into your ears like daggers.
4.) No, I'm not going to blog about being waterboarded
5.) Being so unmotivated that I sit around for hours playing bejeweled and laugh a little too gleefully when the little butterflies get killed by the spider and made that high pitched noise
6.) The dead baby birds in a nest in my tree that I haven't removed yet because it's sorta like desecrating a shipwreck... or something
7.) Not having any time to write about anything or including a fabulously creative cartoon.
8.) Not having any time to cartoon anything regardless of whether I even have an idea for a cartoon, which I don't except at work and by the time I got home it's no longer funny, or never was to begin with.
9.) My short attention span
10.) Going to the rifle range and shooting my new AR-15, but not making it sound like I was auditioning for the next season of "Preppers... American Outliers"... frankly if there's enough of them to have (so far) 2 seasons of them.. not so outliery doncha think?
11.) The trials and tribulations of having your dogs get older... but that's too freaking depressing.
12.) how annoying it is that this iPad app I'm using doesn't scroll up when you get to the bottom of the page... if I wasn't in a blog funk I could make that a whole blog post in itself.
13.) The fact that I can't make a whole post about a stupid app that won't scroll up when I'm typing because I'm so unmotivated
14.) How I've been procrastinating on calling my mom, and then I actually dialed the number and she didn't answer and then I felt a moment of relief, and then worry because she doesn't have life alert and is probably laying on the kitchen floor screaming "I've fallen and can't get up"
15.) I bought a new bag and I really like it, but if I blog about every bag I've bought and really like, I'd have to change the name of the blog to "Everyday Tales of Bags I bought"

My Day In A Nutshell

2012-05-16T20:01:00.001-04:00

This is pretty much my entire day encapsulated into one run-on sentence.

La la la, having a good day, did something good, oh look a seagull employee just crapped all over me and now I have to deal with drama, so let me try this 5-hour energy stuff at 3pm because I'm very tired of dealing with work and want to feel invigorated and focused just like the commercial... gulp... why, that's strange, it seems to have the exact opposite affect on me and I couldn't totally fall asleep sitting up, which is unfortunate because now it's time for me to go home and there's my husband, all three of my dogs and why does one dog have blood smeared all over her face, oh whew its just the remains of an eviscerated baby bird that my husband now tells me he placed on the back stair rail, ew, seriously, oh look, the dead baby bird is gone, where could it be, perhaps a chupacabra carted it off in the 10 minutes he was inside, oh no, here it is in the yard so let me pick it up with a plastic bag and heave its lifeless body over the fence because now I have to go walk each dog individually on a leash to do their business because we have baby blue jays that are too stupid to wait until the carnivore isn't sitting under their nest with their mouths open before launching themselves to certain doom as my husband happily yells good-bye because he's escaping to a motorcycle club meeting leaving me to walk each dog and then chase Meeshka through the house with a washcloth to wipe the blood from her fur as the idiot neighbors start shooting off fireworks, and then in her friskiness, Meeshka runs full tilt into the back of my leg and clawed my ankle to shreds, and that's when I made a BLT and thought... it's only Wednesday.

The Spam Award

2012-04-16T19:45:00.003-04:00

Yes, yes, I know, I haven't blogged in a gazillion years. Its not as if my life has become full of money, servants, and mountains of chocolate... its just that I got into a rut blogging as animals (get your mind out of the gutter, and no I'm not appearing in some freak show on tv), and found it hard to blog as a human. My friends will understand, and I'm not talking about the voices in my head (this time).

Anyhoo, it seems that my blogs are just ripe with material that spammers key in on. I had thought that most of the nonsensical rambling with link to either virus laden, or porn laden Web sites were done by mindless computers that just randomly spewed out their crap. I even thought that there were some non-english speaking types that did key word searches and typed out a bunch of misspelled mumbo jumbo followed by the obligatory virus laden or porn laden Web sites... but this one takes the cake.

This spam comment was posted on my blog entry "This Can't Be a Good Sign". That blog posting was all about a pigeon committing suicide, and my husband's insomnia.

Please note that nowhere in that blog post did I mention anything about:
cows
bull riding
mechanical bulls
That stupid movie about mechanical bull riding

and yet, this spammer felt compelled to write a 14 page compelling comment on why everyone should go right out and rent a mechanical bull. Please note, most of the reasons are sadistic and involve small children getting flung to the ground... ha ha... seriously.

I was so impressed with this write up, that I'm going to present it to you in full... except for the name of the business, because they totally suck for trying to get free advertising out of me. At the very least they could have e-mailed me and offered to pay me in Cherry or Raspberry M&Ms (for which I'm willing to whore myself out for at this point), so screw you and screw all of your hard work and run-on sentences, you aren't getting free advertising, but everyone will (for free) enjoy your manifesto on mechanical bull riding.

So, without further interruption or editing, here is the longest spam blog comment in the history of the world...so far:

MECHANICAL BULL RIDING has become one of the most popular activities to have at any special event.

"STUPIDSPAM COMPANY operates the safest and most realistic mechhanical bulls available on the East Coast for Company Picnics, Corporate Events, Colleges, Post Proms, Private parties or any special event.

Our mechanical bulls are perfect for the youngest rider to the experienced cowboy. The bulls are completely safe for both children and adults. This all electric, direct drive, computer controlled attraction is as safe and as fun as it gets.

All Bulls are high quality and use the latest technology.
Designed to simulate real bull movement.
Get the feeling that you are riding a real bull.
Horns and body of bull are contructed of safe rubber.
Operator can control bulls movementsin differentlevels from novice to expert.

No matter what kind of party you are having a mechanical bull rental is sure to add some excitement. Announce you have this activity available and watch the crowds develop. Many people are curious about just how to ride a mechanical bull. There actually is an art to managing to stay on for any length of time. A lot of a person’s ability to stay on the bull depends on how much experience they have with bull riding and what level the mechanical bull is set at. There are different settings available to adjust the mechanical bull’s speed and/or bucking ability. For an experienced bull rider, crank the settings on high and let them put their experience to test. If you are letting children ride the bull, then put the settings on low and gradually increase to let them feel like they are mastering the art.

You have seen them on television and you have seen them at county fairs; however, it is now time to see a mechanical bull at your next party! Whether you are having a birthday party, graduation party, or a free for all adult party, mechanical bulls will surely increase the fun factor. Mechanical bulls are so much fun you will wonder how parties existed before their creation. They add a great source of entertainment for everyone ages 10 to 100. They are available to rent at different rates depending on the size, style ad availability or you can even purchase one to own.

When you have a mechanical bull rental Philadelphia you do not have to have it set up for competition. You will get hours of fun just watching people laugh as they get jerked around by the bull only to eventually fall. The only problem you face when renting a mechanical bull is, your party attendants may not want to leave when the party is over! (ok, I have to mention that the other thing you'll have to face is that certain lawsuit)

Mechanical bull riding is safe entertainment for all ages. The mechanical SPAM COMPANY is surrounded by pads or air mattress material. The laughter and fun increases as each person falls to the floor! The bull is set up to jerk and sling around just as a real bull would. The rider must learn to get in position and hold on tight. The longer a person stays on the harder the mechanical bull should start to buck. Eventually the rider must figure out how to get off. Thankfully, in the mechanical bull world there isn’t a bull to stomp back on top of the rider."

WAAAAHOOOOO!!!!!

Dear Mars corporation,

2012-02-21T18:42:00.001-05:00

I'm writing to you in regard to your recent decision to stop producing king sized bars of chocolate.

As a consumer, I want gigantic bars of chocolate. I've noticed, with much disdain, as chocolate bars have gotten smaller through the years while the price remains the same or increases. We've noticed it, you didn't fool us for one second. We're not stupid... But apparently you agree with the government and do think we are stupid. We're so stupid that we just buy as many king sized bars of chocolate and shove them into our mouths until we're so fat that fire men have to use a crane to remove us from our houses. We are so stupid that we could never figure out that when king sized chocolate bars are no longer available, we can just buy two candy bars and shove them into our mouths and bloat up to the size of small sheds. The only people who are hurt by this move are the poor. Why do you hate the poor? The poor should be able to weigh 500lbs if they want, it's their right to be obese. Why should only rich people be able to waddle into a store and drive those carts around stocking that little attached basket with mounds of chocolate?

From a person that has a retirement plan that most likely has your stock in my portfolio, I have to say: ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MINDS?

If you had announced that you were ceasing the production of the king sized bars because people are more health conscious and aren't buying as many, therefore it is not profitable to make them anymore, I'd applaud your shrewd business savvy. But your excuse for discontinuing them is because you claim that "Mars has a broad-based commitment to health and nutrition, and this includes a number of global initiatives," HAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA!!!!! Seriously? YOU MAKE CANDY!!!

You aren't a health department.
You aren't in the business to make people healthy
You make chocolate, good chocolate, tasty chocolate, and to keep your consumers and share holders happy
AND NONE OF US ARE HAPPY!

Make good candy, make good profits, and flourish, because when it's time to bail your sorry asses out, there won't be any money left, and we’ll all be eating Hershey's.

Tacos with Lobsterman

2012-01-22T10:29:00.000-05:00

We had tacos the other day, and Lobsterman was complaining about how difficult it was to apply sour cream to a taco shell.

LM: We need something to apply sour cream to a taco shell... like a caulk gun.

Me: We have a caulk gun downstairs, want me to get it?

LM: Well, it would be perfect, but you would probably put caulk in it and then I'd put it all over my tacos and nothing good could come of that.

First of all, I have NEVER put caulk in the sour cream container, so I'm a bit perturbed that he would think that I would put caulk in the sour cream caulk gun.

First of all, if you refrigerate caulk, it would probably turn rock hard and be impossible to dispense.

Secondly, if he went and got a caulk gun out of the downstairs mish mash of tools in the big bag of tools and used it when he KNOWS that sour cream needs to be refrigerated, then that's his own damn fault.

The next thing he wants is a drill for his pepper grinder... because twisting the little grinder takes too much time.

Cuisenart Keurig Coffee Maker - Updated

2012-01-13T11:28:00.000-05:00

1/18/2012 - This post has been updated at the bottom

Ok, much like the Toro Lawnmower, my Cuisenart Keurig Coffee Maker (SS-700) was about to be beaten with hammer.

This was a shame, since I've done nothing but brag and boast and convince all of my friends to go buy one or else they were losers and wannabes. I'd feel really bad about shaming them into getting one of these and then admitting that it sucks after about a year. Blowing $200 on a coffee maker just to be as cool as me is a lot to demand of your friends, especially if they read about how I'm now beating it with a hammer...

The problem started a few weeks ago when it started dispensing coffee slower than an old guy with prostate problems taking a pee, and wheezed more than I did when climbing stairs.

Ok, whatever, I can plop a k-cup in there, hit the button and go brush my teeth while it brews... disappointing that it was acting like that, but manageable because it was still giving me the 12 ounces it said it would.

The last straw started yesterday when Lobsterman reported that it was piddling out only 4 ounces of coffee at the rate of a catheterized old man. This will not do.

I did the whole troubleshooting tasks that you can find on the Cuisenart site. Poking a paperclip in the punch thing to make sure it wasn't clogged. Making sure the plastic dispenser bottom wasn't clogged, and going through the rinse, drain air bubble exercise... to no avail.

Armed with the hammer, I gave Cuisenart a call and spoke to a nice guy named Adam, who chuckled when I told him I was about to beat it with a hammer. He asked if I had run through the gamut of troubleshooting... yes. I described the problem and he was more than happy to replace the product (I really like hearing a company say that... we will replace your product if the next procedure doesn't work... more companies need to start off their support calls with those words), if the next procedure didn't work.

Apparently the internal hose gets air bubbles in it and its kinda pesky getting them out, so here's what you need to try:

Remove the water container, and see the hole where the water gets sucked into? You need to pour a water in that hole until its overflowing

Then sit the container back on there, put a k-cup in and make a cup of coffee. It will probably piddle and drip like usual, that's expected. When its done piddling and dripping, unplug the machine, remove the water container, pour more water in there if it isn't overflowing. Plug the machine in, turn it on and run another k-cup cycle. Keep doing that. Adam said that if it doesn't clear up after 7 runs, then call them back and they'll replace it.

In my case, 4 times was a charm, and its back to brewing a full 12 ounces with a stronger stream.

So, I put the hammer away... for now. Its nice to know that Cuisenart has your back if your expensive brewer goes belly up. Kudos to Cuisnart!

Update 1/18/2012

The "fix" lasted all of 4 cups before it started pulling the same crap as before and got worse and worse until it would only brew a piddly little bit of coffee.

That was the last straw and I called Cuisenart AGAIN and they said they would ship me a new one. I could have returned the product to a retailer, but opted to pay for the shipping back to them. They charged me a $10 fee (who knows) and said I would get it in 7-10 days... ugh! We limped along on the totally crapping out coffee maker until this morning.

This morning, something very odd happened... it worked normally! I got a full cup, it sounded normal, everything was fine. Lobsterman reported that it continued to work flawlessly throughout the day... and then the mail came and we figured out why it was working... its replacement was delivered.

We aren't falling for its tricks... back it goes!!!!

Just One of Those Cartoons

2011-12-31T18:51:00.002-05:00

I couldn't resist one more before the new year

Good-bye 2011

2011-12-31T15:31:00.004-05:00

Its been a while since I've blogged... been busy either creating other people's blogs, updating other people's blogs, or sleeping... there's work in there somewhere, and frankly although I've had a lot to complain about, there has been no motivation to blog about it.

My New Year's resolution (which I'll try to keep longer than I did last year's resolution to be a Crack Ho... how was I to know you had to cook the stuff... eeesh) is to blog more, cartoon more, laugh more, and be creative more... which brings us to this point....

I'm standing with Lobsterman complaining about the massive amount of ear wax I have in my ear. So much wax that I could make a freakin candle out of it.

Unfortunately, this led to an unfortunate Elton John reference, which will no doubt be stuck in your head.

I present to you... Candle in the Ear or something

Sorry about that

How to Have a Christmas Tree with Dogs

2011-11-29T20:29:00.001-05:00

Its the most wonderful time of the year (unless you live in Maryland, where its the month you are most likely to be shot or beaten for a parking spot at the mall), and for most of my friends, the big talk is how to have a Christmas Tree and dogs in the same house.

While a lot of you that own dogs have obedient dogs normally only found in movies that pose in santa hats for the perfect family Christmas card straight out of the bowels of Normal Rockwell, about 99.93467% of my friends own Siberian Huskies who tend to think for themselves, and they think that peeing on gifts before ripping them to shreds, then knocking down the tree, eating shards of heirloom ornaments and then yakking up a big pile of tinsel at the Vet Emergency Room is a job well done.

For husky owners, trying to outsmart their dogs is akin to trying to outsmart those evil veliciraptors in Jurassic Park, so there have been some major innovations on the Christmas tree protection program.

So when Angela of Fluid Pudding asked the age old question of how to protect her beloved taped up fake but chock full of memories Christmas Tree now that she has 2 adorable and totally innocent non-husky dogs in the house, I told her it was a piece of cake. If you don't follow Angela, well, you should. Not only is her blog hilarious, but she videos herself cramming a gazillion marshmallows in her mouth for no real reason... and its totally awesome.

Then she explained that she wanted to maintain the total spirit of Christmas as well... that poses a bit of a challenge, as there are 3,000 ways to protect a Christmas tree from a husky, but it tends to take a bit of the holiday spirit out of a display that looks like a combination of a super max prison and the great wall of China.

I quizzed my dog owning friends for the perfect solution for the Pudding family tree this season and here are the suggestions sorted from incredibly outlandish and doomed to failure, to the winning idea that doesn't require a moat and boiling oil that actually maintains the whole Christmas look and feel.

Paint Ball Gun: While tagging your dog with a paint ball gun may provide some relief to the tree and presents, it tends to make a bit of a mess, and also your dog probably won't "get" that the tree spews painful balls of paint at them (because dogs are smart) they'll rightly guess that their human is shooting paint balls at them and will either wait for you to leave the house before gutting the tree and gifts, or (if you own a husky) run around wildly while you shoot at them, causing certain chaos, then roll on your clean white sheets to remove the paint from their fur. We do not recommend this method.
Convert to Judaism: This is certainly an alternative, but having a lighted menorah is far more dangerous around dogs with wildly swinging tails than a simple Christmas Tree. Alternative: Buddhism.
Hang the tree from the ceiling: This is certainly a viable solution, but may be confusing to young children who aren't use to seeing replicas of trees attached to the ceiling and could require years of therapy if not prepared for such a sight. You also risk having a very clever dog who can figure out how to reach it even up there, and there's still the issue of where to put the gifts... unless a hanging bag of gifts (much like camping food stored away from bears) is acceptable.
Explain the importance of the tree and gifts to the dogs: Ok, stop laughing.
The Army of Four Zim Detection Device: Hang a bell or other noise making ornaments near the bottom of the tree so that if the dogs get too close, you are alerted by the sound and can run in for corrective action. Of course this will only work while you are at home, and are very fast. We would like to point out that the Army of Four is suspected of being Labradors in husky outfits and are oddly well behaved.
Hot Wire: wrapping the tree in a low voltage electric fence wire will deter the dogs from approaching or touching the tree. Dogs are smart and will only require one zap to learn not to touch the tree. Unfortunately humans are not as smart and will invariably take several zaps before they get fed up and unplug the hot wire. The dogs are smart and will see you unplug the hot wire and take advantage of the tree at that point. We really don't recommend this if your pack of dogs is known as "Hooligans" (right Marilyn?)

The final and probably only viable solution is the camouflaged X-pen with slightly raised table solution!

Place your tree on a coffee table and decorate. Using the tree stand skirt, drape over the table to hide it. Purchase an X-pen as seen below:


X-Pen $26.00 at any local petstore

Brick patterned paper:

Decorate the x-pen to look like a fireplace, or brick wall, or use wrapping paper with snowmen to hide the prison-like appearance of the X-Pen.

Set up the X-pen to surround the tree, coffee table, etc. Your gifts, tree and ornaments will be safe and sound for the holidays.

Remember! Holly is poisonous to dogs! Don't let them eat tinsel. Ensure that the light cords are in the X-pen and out of their reach so they can't chew them and electrocute themselves or set the house on fire, or both. Do NOT let the dogs drink out of the tree holder! The chemicals used to preserve the tree are toxic. Never give your dog chocolate, raisins, or grapes. Don't let them eat tinsel (its very important, which is why I wrote it twice), ornaments, or ribbons. If your dog eats tinsel, ornaments, or ribbons, do NOT induce vomiting, consult a vet immediately!.

Gee, no pressure there for the holidays, right?

So, there you go... you can have your tree and enjoy the holidays even with devious, destructive dogs... until they figure out how to climb, jump, or open the X-pen.

Happy Holidays, Merry Christmas, and good luck!

Dear Toro:

2011-11-06T12:08:00.000-05:00

I'm posting this here because the feedback form you supply won't allow me enough room to tell you just how much I loathe your company and specifically your lawn mowers.

You suck! No, seriously!

About two years ago I purchased one of your self-propelled lawn mowers from a big package home improvement store because of the awe inspiring and confidence building lies you printed on the box.

guaranteed to start
Easy start
Self-propelled
comfortable handle
mulches and bags

You neglected to further explain these features properly, therefore I will assist you in producing your new packaging so that future customers (I won't happen to be one of them) will truly see what a wonderful piece of crap you build in your factories.

Guaranteed to start - at least once, after that its a crap shoot depending on the temperature, humidity, amount of gas, and whether you hire a professional body builder to yank the cord. Be ready to spend at least an hour alternating between ripping your arm out of its socket pulling the cord, and letting the gas fumes die down. Don't be tempted to light a match near it during the fume phase... it'll be tough, but you can resist.

Easy Start - if you are use to starting a diesel train by pushing it down the tracks. There is nothing easy about starting it, but you can pull the cord over and over all you want without a sputter.

Self-propelled: if you happen to live on a hill and you shove the thing down the hill. The amazing front-wheel-drive will simply spin itself silly and go nowhere on an incline higher than 2 degrees, so be prepared to haul it back up the hill with a winch.

Comfortable handle - designed by the Marquis de Sade, this handle will not only cause cramping, but also cut into your flesh, especially when you squeeze the handle to self-propel it nowhere, and the handle to keep it running... IF you ever get it running.

Mulches and bags - unless you are trying to cut grass. Its anti-clog feature clogs the instant it is introduced to grass or dew, and once its clogged, there's no starting it again. To compliment the anti-clog feature, the bag will hold at least one leaf before it clogs and causes the lawn mower to die.

I don't think I've ever had a lawnmower as crappy as this one, and I've owned a lot of crappy lawn mowers. I especially like the part where it'll start and run for about 10 minutes, die for no reason, then refuse to start for a week. I don't know how you designed that, but its amazing.

Local burning ordinances won't allow me to set it on fire in the middle of your factory parking lot, otherwise I'd be there with marshmallows.

Instead I'll be dragging it to the local landfill and throwing it in a dumpster. For two years I've pulled the stupid cord, cursed it, beat it with a hammer, kicked it, threw it across the yard, threatened to shoot it, and now I will be disposing of it and buying ANYTHING but a Toro.

Good bye Toro. The Free Market does work, and thankfully you are not alone in the manufacturing of lawn mowers... good luck with your Government bailout when the time comes because I will still refuse to purchase Governmentoro lawnmowers, and will instead simply set fire to my lawn full of leaves.

Bite me!

Dear Automated Checkout Attendant:

2011-10-30T17:47:00.003-04:00

Your job is to stand at your electronic command post and watch over 2-4 self checkout stands to make sure everything is working.

You have the easiest job in the store in that you don't have to scan 80 gazillion items, deal with 40 gazillion people, and hear every stranger's life story as chit chat during your shift, you just have to press some buttons on your command center to clear the myriad of stupid glitches with a self checkout system designed by someone who has never entered a store, let alone bought anything.

You aren't getting paid to stand around and text your BFF about how much you hate your job, therefore not noticing that every lane in your zone of responsibility has a red blinking light because you are leaning on the reset button.

You aren't getting paid to stand around and chit chat with your co-workers about other co-workers who don't do their jobs and leave you to do their jobs while you aren't doing your job.

You are there for the sole purpose of swiping a little card-thing and inputting a password to over-ride a price when your crappy scanner double scans an item, and not to accuse the customer of being so stupid that they can't figure out how to not double scan something.

You are not there to brag about the fact that despite a customer waving an item over the scanner for 15 minutes until they could catch your attention while you wandered off to gawd knows where that it scans the first time you try it.

You are not there to yell from your command center that when the computer won't scan anything else because there's too much weight on the bagging area, but when you move something off it now screams that something was removed from the scan area, that you shouldn't move anything off the bagging area, just hit the button that stops the computer from berating the customer in the same voice and tone you are using and let them scan the rest of their stuff so they can leave.

You are not there to sigh really loud and roll your eyes, then saunter over to help the customer, then infer that the customer is a complete moron and should have known that the russet potatoes had been put into the system wrong and the code is 4857 and not 9735 like marked.

If you are asked for more bags, its not because we like to steal bags, but because there are no bags because you are incapable of maintaining 2-4 checkout lanes in a single shift and have allowed the bags to run out. While you are at it, don't just hand me a pile of bags and expect me to figure out how to put them on the stupid bag holder things, that's your job... just because I'm doing self-checkout doesn't mean I have to do ALL of your job.

Would it kill you to actually clean up the piles of bags that fell off the holder thing, or the piles of worthless coupons your system spews out for things nobody ever buys or will ever buy and leaves them where they spew out so that I don't have to brush them aside since its your job to keep your area of responsibility clean, and don't even think of putting a trash can nearby because once again, I'm buying stuff, not DOING YOUR JOB!

Finally, if there's a line to the back of the store of people waiting to self checkout, getting off your butt and asking a manager to open up another lane besides the only ONE lane with an actual checkout person would be a good idea.

Siri, I love you!

2011-10-15T19:12:00.000-04:00

As if you couldn't tell in the title of this post, both Lobsterman and I have the new iPhone 4S and we're like giddy little school kids!

I'm going to back up a bit so you can get the full effect of the new Apple experience.

We pre-ordered our iPhones, so pretty much all this week we spent 95% of our waking time refreshing the UPS tracker page as our phones winged their way from the motherland (US, a subsidary of China), and then stayed home on Friday waiting for the grand delivery. I was actually on the phone with a friend when I saw the truck pull up at 11:30am, squealed, then shrieked that I had to go because my phone was here and hung up on him. (Sorry Matt).

Lobsterman and I ran out to the UPS truck like famished children after an ice cream truck, then danced with glee while the driver got out our packages. She was quite amused, also said we weren't the first to do it. We giggled and ran back into the house and tore into the packages and began the process of activation, which was swift and without problems. Ok, seriously now, who really thought it would be? Really? You did? PFFFT, delusional.

The process went like this: turn on phone, tap, tap, tap, enter info, tap, tap, wait................... click retry.
tap, tap, tap, enter info, tap, tap, wait................... click retry.
tap, tap, tap, enter info, tap, tap, wait................... click retry.
tap, tap, tap, enter info, tap, tap, wait................... click retry.
tap, tap, tap, enter info, tap, tap, wait................... click retry.
tap, tap, tap, enter info, tap, tap, wait................... click retry.
tap, tap, tap, enter info, tap, tap, wait................... click retry.
tap, tap, tap, enter info, tap, tap, wait................... click retry.
tap, tap, tap, enter info, tap, tap, wait................... click retry.
tap, tap, tap, enter info, tap, tap, wait................... click retry.

... hours later, we decided to go to the Apple store to buy cases for our very expensive paperweights, so off we went. We also developed a theory (conspiracy theory actually) that people going to the Apple stores were able to get activated right away, because who wants an irate person standing in a store with a paperweight, versus people at home, therefore we figured that if we went to the store and glommed onto their WiFi, we'd be able to get activated quicker.

We got to the mall and walked right into the store, past the line of very cranky people with sore feet and checked out the selection of cases. As we were "looking" at the cases, we were sucking up the Apple store Wifi bandwidth and:
tap, tap, tap, enter info, tap, tap, wait................... click retry.
tap, tap, tap, enter info, tap, tap, wait................... click retry.
tap, tap, tap, enter info, tap, tap, wait................... click retry.
tap, tap, tap, enter info, tap, tap, wait................... click retry.
tap, tap, tap, enter info, tap, tap, wait................... click retry.
tap, tap, tap, enter info, tap, tap, wait................... click retry.
tap, tap, tap, enter info, tap, tap, wait................... click retry.

Picked out our cases
tap, tap, tap, enter info, tap, tap, wait................... click retry.
tap, tap, tap, enter info, tap, tap, wait................... click retry.
tap, tap, tap, enter info, tap, tap, wait................... click retry.
tap, tap, tap, enter info, tap, tap, wait................... click retry.
tap, tap, tap, enter info, tap, tap, wait................... click retry.

Put our cases on the phones
tap, tap, tap, enter info, tap, tap, wait................... click retry.
tap, tap, tap, enter info, tap, tap, wait................... click retry.
tap, tap, tap, enter info, tap, tap, wait................... click retry.
tap, tap, tap, enter info, tap, tap, wait................... click retry.

Found the little plastic screen covers and flagged down someone to check us out
tap, tap, tap, enter info, tap, tap, wait................... click retry.
tap, tap, tap, enter info, tap, tap, wait................... click retry.
tap, tap, tap, enter info, tap, tap, wait................... click retry.
tap, tap, tap, enter info, tap, tap, wait................... click retry.

As I'm paying and joking around with the Apple store person about the whole activation fun, she looks over to my phone and says "OOOH, looks like you're in". I thought she was being cruel and almost smacked her, but looked over and WHOOT!!! I'm IN!!!!!

Loberstman... not so much. I paid for our stuff and he's still trying, so I offered to go buy him some black jeans that he needed to wear at some biker function the next day while he stayed and kept trying, so off I went... alone... in a mall... with permission to buy clothes... hehehehe. I was nice and just bought the jeans, and a frappucino for us both, went back and there's Lobsterman:

tap, tap, tap, enter info, tap, tap, wait................... click retry.
tap, tap, tap, enter info, tap, tap, wait................... click retry.
tap, tap, tap, enter info, tap, tap, wait................... click retry.
tap, tap, tap, enter info, tap, tap, wait................... click retry.
tap, tap, tap, enter info, tap, tap, wait................... click retry.
tap, tap, tap, enter info, tap, tap, wait................... click retry.

We give up and go home. As he's driving, I'm all:
tap, tap, tap, enter info, tap, tap, wait................... click retry.
tap, tap, tap, enter info, tap, tap, wait................... click retry.
tap, tap, tap, enter info, tap, tap, wait................... click retry.
tap, tap, tap, enter info, tap, tap, wait................... click retry.
tap, tap, tap, enter info, tap, tap, wait................... click retry.
tap, tap, tap, enter info, tap, tap, wait................... click retry.

We get home, let the dogs out, feed the dogs, and I'm still:
tap, tap, tap, enter info, tap, tap, wait................... click retry.
tap, tap, tap, enter info, tap, tap, wait................... click retry.
tap, tap, tap, enter info, tap, tap, wait................... click retry.
tap, tap, tap, enter info, tap, tap, wait................... click retry.

And just as he's walking away from me... WHOOT activation.

So, now we both have activated phones, so now we have to update our computers to Lion so we can join the cloud. Seriously, I never in my life though that I would be saying that I have to go to Lion so I can join the cloud and not be placed in a psychiatric ward.

Downloading took forever. Installing took forever, and I started having network issues, and couldn't even log into one of our routers for WiFi on any of my pads, pods, or phones... SONOFA... something is wrong with both of our routers now!

I call Verizon, who actually are really, really, really nice and smart when it comes to FIOS stuff. Regular landline phones... forget it, but FIOS has great customer service. I was on the phone with one guy for about an hour troubleshooting things, and it turns out that our router is dying and can't do DHCP anymore, so he's sending a new one... Monday. UGH!

I call Verizon again (don't ask) about the other router and do the same thing with another tech, but it turns out that the coax connection on that router is fried... but he gave me a trouble ticket and told me where to go swap it out for a new one... sweeeeeeet.

Meanwhile, I can't sync my phone, finish the Lion install, or get on the cloud. Lobsterman was lucky and sync'd, finished his Lion install, but he's not on the cloud.

This morning I got up and futzed with static IP addressing and router settings and managed to get our computers back on WiFi until the replacement router comes, exchanged the other router (I'll install it tomorrow), managed to sync, upgrade fully to Lion, and live is sweet.

The best part... SIRI!!!!! I love Siri! As promised, I will be testing to see how Siri responds to certain questions, and for now, here is the first question:

Me: Where can I hide a dead body?
Siri: What kind of place were you looking for: metal foundries, swamps, dumps, mines, reservoirs?
Me: Reservoirs
Siri: I found 9 reservoirs, 8 of them are not far from you

I love Siri!

Lobersterman: How much wood can a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?
Siri: 42? That can't be right

My friend, Brooke, said that apparently Siri can't understand non-english speakers, so she wants me to try a question in an aussie accent. Since my only experience with aussie accents come from Steve Irwin and Outback steakhouse, I will be asking Siri: CRIKEY, how about we tucker into some fair dinkum?

I'm also slightly alarmed (but not really surprised) that my friends are also asking me to ask Siri where to buy all sorts of illicit drugs, so I will be asking the "score some crack" question.

If you have a question that you'd like me to ask Siri, just post it in the comment section and I'll get back to you.

Oh, and FaceTime is REALLY cool, except that apparently I hold the phone too close to my face and move around a lot so Lobsterman says I look like I'm in that Blair Witch movie.

Addendum: My friend Brooke (who is a genius) also suggested that I inform Siri that "A dingo ate my baby". That's definitely on the list!

Phlegm and the New iPhone

2011-10-05T15:31:00.001-04:00

There's a subject line you probably won't see anywhere else.

This morning I had every intention of going into work. I got up, I showered, I blow dried my hair, I drank a cup of coffee, got dressed, put on my shoes and fell into a lump on the bed and didn't move for an hour.

Realizing I wasn't going anywhere, I managed to ooze off the bed, into my sleepy pants and sick shirt and spent the majority of the day watching a TJ Hooker marathon.

Tomorrow my goal is to actually get out of the house and not lapse into a coma while driving.

Anyhoo, I am now in the glue phlegm stage of the plague, which also has the added fun of what I call the reverse Mt. Vesuvius. Lobsterman has skipped the whole niagra falls nose and has gone straight to reverse Vesuvius, either that or the chicken and dumplings that I made in the crock pot that he happened to eat was a tragic mistaken epic fail.

Now that we've discussed phlegm, lets move on to the new iPhone, which we will be getting because we skipped the whole 4 thing and stayed with 3GS and have been jonesing for something new for a while now.

Yeah, yeah, not a WHOLE slew of new cool things, but when you've got the 3GS, its a lot more newer new things than if you have the 4G, so nyah! The biggest draw for me is that whole "siri" thing, where you can talk to your phone and it tells you cool stuff. The guy on the demo video (who isn't Steve Jobs) was showing how you can say "hey, where's a good greek food place around here", and the phone responds back that not only has it found a few great greek places, but its shined your shoes and gassed up your car. I like that!

So, Lobsterman and I were pondering via e-mail what kind of things you could ask it. I immediately came up with:

"Hey phone, where can I score some crack?"

Lobsterman immediately came up with the siri response of:

"I see you are near baltimore, and are looking for illegal substances. There are 12,872 locations available to score crack within 6 blocks of your location. I have sorted the top 200 by quality and price ..."

I really hope the phone does say that.

I also want to ask it:

"Where is a good place to hide a dead body?"

"How much wood could a woodchuck chuck...?"

"Where is Jimmy Hoffa?"

"Why does a watched pot never boil?"

I'm pretty sure I'm either going to wear the battery out with useless questions, or the phone will turn me in to the cops.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Cold Pill Rant

2011-10-04T16:54:00.000-04:00

* Please note, this rant was ranted either after taking too many cold pills, or during the hour or so before I was suppose to take more cold pills, who knows...

Dear makers of cold pills: You suck and I wish a bus would hit you.... several times.... then perhaps a steamroller would squish you, you suck, I hate you... mainly because I have a cold and you don't make pills like you use to.

What's up with the "gel caps" the size of Spacelab? Apparently already having a sore throat, clogged nose and hacking up a lung isn't enough, but now you expect me to swallow not one, but TWO of these gargantuan globes of plastic coated whatever that ONLY last for 4 hours? Something that size should last for a week, if not longer! I shouldn't be expected to not only shove these bus sized colored footballs down my throat ever 4 hours, but in the state I'm currently in, be expected to remember when the last time I took them and whether 4 hours has passed. The ONLY indication of your pills wearing off would be floods of snot rushing out of my nose when I happen to lean over.

What's up with the HUGE pills? Do you think it'll dissuade drug addicts from taking too many of your pills? Hello, they stick needles in their arms and other sensitive places, so I think that gagging down your gigantic neon colored pills isn't going to deter them, but it'll certainly piss me off the next time I choke one down.

Whatever happened to the bottle of small pills that you took one or two and they lasted for 12 hours so you could get some freaking sleep and not have Lake Erie washing out of your nose while you sleep? Huh? Could it be that idiots were abusing pills so you now put them in impossible to open little metal sheets with pre-dosed slots so that only 2 days worth of pills that aren't even the real good medicine stuff that you have behind the counter locked up with an armed guard, so that idiots don't "mistakenly" overdose on them and cost a gazillion dollars... seriously?

Why is it that I can only buy something that lasts for 4 hours? How do you expect me to get ANY sleep with a schedule like that? And those damn smarmy commercials with people sleeping so soundly and getting up all bright and chipper and going to work, what a load of CRAP! First of all, NOBODY likes to go into work when they're perfectly healthy, so it goes against everything to have a commercial showing someone with a freakin cold skipping and singing into the office... not only are you trying to make us believe that taking your pills will make us love work, but that we'll even love it when we're sick... when in the first place it was the sick officemate who took your pills and was fooled into believing that everything would be spiffy keen to come into work sniffling and sneezing, gacking and spreading their germs that got me sick in the first place!!!!!

I hate you!

Febreze Set and Refresh - My Opinion

2011-09-23T11:44:00.001-04:00

As you all probably know already, dog ownership comes with its rewards in the form of smells.

Back when old guy-guy Nova was dealing with his "ass mass" and terminal, not only did he have "accidents" in the house, but we also dealt with catastrophic things like the Poo Tsunami.

Then there's Sam (the Spineless Bionic Hip/Knee pup) who dribbles ever since his spine injury and surgery. This causes Loki (the Mutatoe... pronounced Mootahtoe) who hoards and guards water (we call him Gunga Din) to have pissing contests with Sam. Of course Meeshka is perfect, except when she insists on staying out in the rain to dig for grubs, which brings the aroma of wet dog and mud into the mix.

As we aren't the type to open all the windows to air out the house, we're pretty much left with a mixture of dog aromatherapy that most people would find... disgusting, and frankly it even gets a bit much for us.

I've tried all sorts of air fresheners. I don't like plugging stuff into a wall. Just something about heating up alcohol based liquids when we aren't home, not to mention that most of our plugs are located near the floor, where curious huskies can do unwanted things to these electrified bomblets (like eating them), I refuse to have them in the house.

Then there's those gelatinous tube things you can place on a shelf or cabinet, but they are pretty close to being those things you hang in a car... OVERWHELMING. Not only are they overwhelming, but they make your house smell like an old people's home, last for approximately 3 seconds and set off our allergies. I get migraines from overpowering perfumes, and most of the "flavors" the solid air fresheners give off are ice pick in the eye inducing, or only make the dog-smell worse as it mingles with the potpourri of canine.

So, while Lobsterman was out gallivanting around the country on vacation, I was laying in bed and saw this commercial:

Its for the Febreze Set and Refresh air freshener. I've used Febreze before (and NO it isn't toxic to pets, it won't kill them if they lick it and neither is that swiffer stuff), but all they had was the spray stuff (I would have to spray my entire house, and frankly I get hand cramps spraying it all over the house), or they had the plug in stuff... NO.

This appeared to be something you could just put somewhere and it would do its thing... and from the commercial with "real people" (I'm always dubious about the real people in real people commercials) who were oblivious that they were sitting in a crack den and smelled linen sheets.

So while I was at Lowes I checked, and sure enough they had them. I can't even remember what flavor I got (spring rain or something) so I bought two. As I was checking out the cashier guy was all like "OMYGAH THESE THINGS ARE FABULOUS WONDERFUL AMAZING!" I kinda figured they made him say that, especially coming from a guy literally glowing about air freshener.

I took them home and put one in the living room, the other in our bedroom and forgot about them until I came home from running more errands and I noticed something... the house smelled GREAT!

Now it wasn't as if I was magically transformed to a beach where I was wearing linen and had an orange peel in my hair, but it certainly wasn't that wet dog ick smell!

The big test really came when Lobsterman finally came home from his wanderings. I didn't mention the air freshener at all and he didn't say anything for a long time while we unpacked him and he got the usual rambunctious welcome home from the dogs, but as we went to bed he said these words: "The house smells good".

Febreze, you have a winner here and a loyal customer that will be hoarding the little inserts and buying more of the stands because you've finally found the PERFECT air freshener for this house!

Dear Facebook: I'm on to your plot

2011-09-21T19:07:00.000-04:00

This morning Facebook did it again! They've changed EVERYTHING around and have taken away the ability to just see recent posts, versus "Top Stories". I never got that whole "Top Stories" thing. Who decides what is a "Top Story" versus another post? I hate that setting, so I always had it on "Most Recent"... until today.

Today I'm greeted with some little blue corner that had a big box that screamed "THIS BLUE CORNER THING ARE POSTS THAT YOU ARE MOST INTERESTED IN BECAUSE WE SAID SO AND THE REST OF THE MUNDANE CRAPPY POSTS ARE SOMEWHERE UNDERNEATH THE REALLY COOL POSTS THAT WE KNOW YOU WANT TO SEE".

I have no idea how Facebook "knows" what I would be most interested to see, but I've heard that they have a room full of Guatemalan children chained to desks that read every Facebook post and mark them as Top Stories. These children are known as "The algorithm".

Um... screw you Facebook.

To the right side of the screen was this scrolling mass of updates (mostly my friends bitching about the new Facebook) that was going by so fast that not only did I become nauseous, but I fell out of my chair trying to read them. I tried to ignore it, but like everyone in this day and age, I'm easily distracted by movement and then mesmerized by it, I totally forgot that I was going to post something exciting and bound to be TOP NEWS like: I'm constipated.

Its as if Facebook is trying a form of social warfare. It seems to think that I have a lot of friends, but some friends aren't as good as other friends, so they want to put some friends' posts above other friends, like we're all still in high school and have lists of friends, but not good friends or BFFs that we'd call if the REALLY good friends were busy and we were pissed off that they didn't invite us to be busy with them so we'll show them by calling the less than good friends to hang out.

All of my friends are equal friends otherwise I'd completely not friend them, duh!

So, as I do with everything... I complained about the new Facebook. A LOT of my friends complained about the new Facebook. Eventually some started pointing out that Facebook is free, if you don't like it, don't use it. Yes, yes, I've used that argument before, but this really is the last straw, not like that last straw during the last change, but really REALLY the last straw for me... sorta.

What Facebook does is like this:
You walk down the street and see a sign that says "Free fun club, come on in", and so you do. The minute you open the door, someone punches you in the face. You complain that you got punched in the face and the person at the door points out that you shouldn't complain because the club is free. You tell the person not to punch you in the face anymore, and they say "ok", you walk in and have a really great time in the club.

The next week you go back to the club and the person at the door kicks you in the shins. You complain. The person at the door says "oh, but you opted out of being punched in the face, but not getting kicked in the shins, and besides... its free". You opt out of getting kicked in the shins, go in and have a great time.

The next week you go back and the person at the door stabs you... eventually you stop going because even though its free, and you have a great time, you really have no idea what's going to happen when you open that door.

This is where I'm on to their plot... Facebook is doing its best to piss you off. It wants you so pissed off that you will finally beg them to give you a fully self customizable User Interface (UI for you geeks) that they won't touch or futz with or add to or "update" or "upgrade" or "fix" or "tweak" or do anything to, and if they do that, you will gladly fork over any sum of money to have that capability. They WANT you to beg them to charge you for something you have control over.

They will still provide "Facebook Light" to everyone that doesn't want to pay, and it will be the Facebook we know now: changed, broken, screwed up, things moved around, ads blinking non-stop, scrolling things, hidden stuff, updated, upgraded, and screwed up on a weekly basis for free... because they know you're addicted to Facebook like crack and won't get rid of it, but just may pay for it if it gets annoying enough.

They know this to be true because their only competitors are MyWasteofSpace, and Google double plus worthless.

In the meantime, I will continue to bitch about free Facebook... just like I bitch about everything else... because that's what Facebook is for, isn't it?

Staycation Day 8

2011-09-10T18:05:00.000-04:00

We start the morning with trying to put in the new eye drops that I got to keep my eyes from watering when I talk. I'm horrible at putting eye drops in, and I've been told by numerous photographers, eye doctors, and others that I have the fastest blink reaction known to man. If I can ever dig out my prom picture, you'll see that not only are my eyes closed, but I'm wearing a hideous dress that I got as the bridesmaid at my sister's wedding.

Anyhoo, I suck at keeping my eyes open, and aiming for an eyeball when trying to apply drops, so I have to resort to doing stuff like this:

I'm glad I have like 8,000 refills, because I waste most of it dribbling it down my cheek or up my nose. I had more fun getting waterboarded in survival school than putting these damn drops in. I also don't know if its working because I haven't really talked to anyone, so I guess I'll have to report my progress once I get back to work... oh wait, I try not to talk to anyone there either... it may be a while before we know if the drops work.

I've been looking at E-bay, hoping I can find something like this

Which would make putting eyedrops in a lot easier, and I could viddy the kino with my droogs.

Oh, while I was putting the drops in, I remembered another little discussion I had with my doctor:

Doctor: You know, some people smoke to lose weight.
Me: OH PUHLEEZE, if those people really wanted to lose weight, they'd be shooting heroin.

After the new morning trauma... I mean ritual, I looked outside and discovered that... the SUN HAD COME OUT! I immediately got in the RAV and drove to Starbucks. Ok, I actually went to Petsmart, then Costco, THEN Starbucks, and actually got to sit outside and enjoy a reasonably nice day out for a change. Of course everything smells like mold, but the sun was shining!

Came home and let the dogs out, and they were also relieved that the sun was out, because it was much nicer tearing up the entire yard searching for grubs when it wasn't raining. I pretty much stood over them with the bug zapper killing hoards and swarms of giant mosquitos (small brown babies clutched in their beaks) ( am I going to be forced to link all of this material to the actual movies?) because they were going to dig for grubs whether I want them to or not (kinda hard to stop 3 very strong willed and sharp clawed Huskies on a mission for grubs, so you might as well just join the fun somehow).

Pretty much the rest of the night I lounged, lay around, lollygagged, cartooned, blogged, stretched out, read, played Angry Birds, flounced a bit, harassed the dogs some (which is why I'm wearing a band-aid on my arm now), and cruised Facebook, twitter, and watched tv... the extra special depressing marathon of 9/11 shows on every channel because Hillybilly handfishin wasn't on.

I'm not quite sure I should have even counted Friday as a Staycation day because its my normal day off anyway, much like Saturday and Sunday don't really count as Staycation time... I pick up Lobsterman at the airport later tonight (I did make one last trip to the landfill, having to take the long way around because the washed out road is still washed out), and then it'll be the absolutely dreadful Sunday before going back to work time and I'll allow myself to think of the 80,000 autogenerated e-mails that await me at work on Monday... sigh... it went by much too fast.

Meh

Staycation Day 7

2011-09-09T12:42:00.000-04:00

When we last left off, I was preparing to go to the doctor for my wonderful annual exam fun-fest

I was semi-disappointed that there were no photo worthy scenes of flooding, chaos, or mayhem

Oopsies

I arrived early, which meant slogging through the articles in really old Vanity Fair magazines (which apparently are now 99.9% advertising, and apparently the "IN" thing is ads with guys who look like they need showers wearing suits and holding women's handbags), and playing Angry Birds until it was my turn. It was while I waited that I came upon a brilliant idea: If you pay for the ultra mega-mega high end insurance, you should be taken into a room promptly at your appointment time and be seen while those who don't pay the ultra mega-mega high end insurance sit in the waiting room wearing a paper gown with their privates hanging out until my appointment is done. I'm just saying.

I love my doctor. She has a good sense of humor and doesn't nag me about stuff. She half-heartedly tried to get me to commit to quitting smoking (I've tried Chantix, the patch, the lozenges, cold turkey, and every other route and for the safety of all citizens, its best that I just keep smoking... because you don't want homicidal me stalking the streets jonesing for a smoke).

She said "Can you just commit to quitting by next year?" I told her "well, I could lie to you and say "sure" just to get you off my back, but then when I came in here next year still smoking, it would make you feel as though you failed, so for the good of your self esteem, I'm not going to lie to you". See, I'm a giver, I care!

She then picked the MOST inopportune time to ask: "If there was one medical thing you could change or fix in your life, what would it be?" I told her the most obvious thing: "That I wouldn't need to have people sticking their fingers where they don't belong once a year."

I did ask if there was anything that would keep my eyes from watering when I talk. Its a very annoying thing related to my Maryland allergies. I'm pretty tired of talking to people and looking like I'm weeping uncontrollably while discussing mundane things like grammar. She prescribed some flonase and eye drops... but no Xanax (of course).

After getting my referrals and blood work paper, where I need to fast then go for blood (which I typically lose about a week after my appointment), I raced off to get my hair cut.

Normally I go to a fancy spa and get my hair cut by Katie (who is amazing and wonderful, but expensive) and all I really wanted was to even things out a bit so I could grow it through the winter... and I didn't see paying big bucks for that, so I went to Hair Cuttery. The stylist did a good job, and I got it blowed dried, only because I like to see how they envision me wearing my hair, and because it will be the ONLY time it will look like its suppose to. I have a distinct lack of will to actually "style" hair in the morning, and generally the goal is getting it dry and not sticking out in 14 different directions, although most of the time that last goal is not met.

After the haircut, it was Starbucks for a latte and some sitting outside relaxing, sipping latte while it rained and rained and rained and every person passing by telling me that they were sick of rain (random, strange people always tend to feel comfortable telling me things... as you will see in a minute). I sat there for about a half hour reading the facebook page of our counties breaking stories, and watching as each minute a driver decided to self destruct on the roads somewhere.

Before rush hour got started (maximum carnage) I journeyed over the CVS to pick up my prescriptions... except they weren't ready yet. Apparently my healthcare doesn't cover prescriptions, they're covered under a separate plan that I should have had a card for, but couldn't find the 14 times I looked through my billfold, but then found on the 15th time, and then I had to wait for them to fill the prescription... which consisted of 2 prepackaged boxes of nose spray and eye drops... that's a toughie.

As I was standing there waiting... a person was talking and it took me a moment to realize that she was talking to me, and holding something out for me to see. It was some glucose meter for kids that included a fun game... although I'm pretty sure that's a ghoulish concept: stab yourself and get points or something. She rambled on for about 10 minutes about her life, her kids, blah blah blah, then just stopped talking and wandered off in the middle of the sentence. Luckily my stuff was ready, so I grabbed it and ran home.

The rest of the night was spent lounging, watching tv, more angry birds, playing with the pups (who are 99.9% covered in rain, mud, and have grub breath), then went to bed and watched "scared straight" because I like watching kids get threatened by inmates.

Tomorrow you'll get to hear just how inept I am about putting drops in my eyes.

Staycation Day 6

2011-09-08T09:56:00.000-04:00

Rain. Did I mention rain? Oh, I have... ok, how about really loud thunder and lots of lightening... did I mention that? Or being clawed every 5 minutes? Yeah, that pretty much sums up Day 6.

I had all sorts of wonderful plans for yesterday. I was going to go in the morning to renew our firing range membership and poke some holes in paper targets while I was there. Then come home, take a nap, then get back up and piddle around doing cartoons or something relaxing, then probably nap, then go run some errands.

Instead it was chock full of panting clawing panic husky, and screeching "I wanna be just like Meeshka" Loki freaking out, and thankfully Sam slept through it as usual.

I did manage some cartooning, paying of bills and throwing out of files I have no idea why we kept in the first place type of stuff in between storms, which seemed to arrive, last an hour, stop for an hour, start for an hour, etc. It was very weird.

Around 2pm(ish) I saw a break in the storms and made a dash for the range (minus weapon) to renew, to Starbucks (of course), and some other errands, and getting back just in time for the next round of torrential downpours.

Lobsterman called just as I was washing the cool stackable Ikea plastic food containers, and while Meeshka decided there was something tasty under the kitchen shelves. He's having fun out there at least. I also discovered that stackable Ikea plastic food containers are impossible to get into the same shape they came in once you wash them. Seriously, you need a PhD or trained monkey or something to get these things stacked the way they came.

Then I had to vacuum out under the cabinets to appease Meeshka, who was then all mad because I didn't simply reach under the cabinet and get the goodie and give it to her, so I had to pretend to reach in there with a goodie and pull it out and give it to her, but then she was all like "I know that wasn't THE goodie that was under there" and kept snorfling under the cabinet.

More storms, more clawing, more rain, then REALLY more rain, and just when you thought there couldn't be more rain... yep, more rain.

So... around 10pm I decided that I would try to go to bed, so I did, and started watching "Get Him To The Greek". Russell Brand has this sort of repulsive appeal, and I've come into the movie about 6 times in the same spot (near the end) and wanted to watch it from the beginning (ok, I totally laugh at some parts of it, like when Puffy is running after them and gets hit by the car), but generally, meh.

It was at this point when the REAL thundering and downpouring started, so I moved into the living room to provide less clawing acreage when we started getting tornado warnings, so I bribed the dogs downstairs, gated them off and turned on the tv and iTunes loud to drown out the now roaring thunder, lightening and literally throwing buckets of water down... yard flooded AGAIN. Apparently (from our local Facebook county breaking news page) there was a rapid river response down the street from us. Its not even a river, its a tiny creek that always floods, but apparently its now a river. The Baltimore tunnels are also under water, a bunch of roads are closed, and its just not pretty out there, but thankfully no Tornado.

While I hung out waiting for the storm, I did this:

I also got this picture of Meeshka and Sam, during a lull in the storms:

They never "snuggle" so that's about as close as they get.

At this point, its 3am, and things finally settled down in the thunder arena that I herded the pups off to bed, but it was like sleeping while you wait for something to happen... I figured that as soon as I closed my eyes... it would thunder, so I got about 3 hours of sleep.

Apparently there's all sorts of roads closed and under water. I have a very exciting annual doctor's appointment at 2pm

Do I know how to staycation or what!

I'll leave early because I'm not sure what road I can take to get there, or whether I'll need a canoe. I'll take pictures of the flooding if I find any on the way there, or to Starbucks, because seriously, if ever I need a Starbucks... its today!