I hear the words “That’s not fair!” on an almost daily basis around here. It doesn’t matter what the issue is, if something appears to be unequal to one of my kids, those words come out of their mouths.

Kids and teenagers often equate fair with equal. Does my sibling have the same amount of ice cream as me? She got to go do something special, when is it my turn? He gets to stay up until 9, why do I have to go to bed at 8? This is how our kids look at the world.

But the truth is that things can be unequal and still be fair. God didn’t make all of us equal. We don’t all have the same gifts and talents, but we do all have gifts and talents. If everyone was exactly alike, then the world would be a horribly boring place.

I had a discussion with some other bloggers I know about this topic yesterday, and the wisdom that came out of that discussion was that we need to change the way we talk about fairness in our homes. We need to teach our kids that fair doesn’t always mean equal.

Every child is different. Every child has different needs. Every child deserves to have those needs met. But that doesn’t mean that we meet those needs in exactly the same way for each child. As parents, we have to make choices about what’s best for each child.

My younger daughter’s love language is physical touch. She needs someone to hug her and snuggle with her almost daily. My other daughter’s love language is words of affirmation. She needs someone to boost her up with words almost daily. If I tried to fill both my daughters’ emotional tanks with hugs, then things would be equal, but my older daughter would not be getting what she needs. It would be equal but not fair.

So, the next time you hear the words, “That’s not fair!” in your house, have a conversation about fair vs. equal. Here are some ideas to get the conversation started.

1. Ask your kids what they think the difference is between the words “fair” and “equal.” Place two bowls on the table filled equally with a treat that one child likes but the other doesn’t. Explain that giving each of them a bowl would be equal, but it wouldn’t be fair because it would only be a treat for one person.

2. Talk about how God is fair but not equal. Read 1 Corinthians 12:8-11 with your kids. Talk about how God gives different gifts to different people. Everyone gets a gift, but they’re not all the same. When we look at it, it’s not equal, but it is fair.

3. Ask your kids to give you an example of a situation where things aren’t equal but they are fair. Reinforce the concept with your kids by getting them to think of an example of fairness.

4. Remind your kids that life sometimes isn’t fair or equal, but tell them that in your home, you do the best you can to make things fair. Home is a place where everyone needs to have their needs met in the way that’s best for that person. That may mean things aren’t always equal, but you do your best to make them fair.

Fairness without equality is a tough concept for kids to grasp because it can sometimes seem like things aren’t fair when they aren’t equal. Keep working to meet your kids’ needs in the best way you know how. Ask God for wisdom about how to best meet your kids’ needs — even if the way you do that means you have to be more fair than equal.

We live in tornado country. My girls know what to do if the sirens go off, whether they’re at school, on the soccer field or at home — find the lowest spot with the most walls and the fewest windows between you and the outside and hunker down. Thankfully, we’ve never seen a tornado in close proximity.

But yesterday as we heard about and watched the devastation in Moore, Oklahoma, my girls realized that all those drills they do at school, all the talking we do at home are about something that could really happen. As we heard that two elementary schools had been hit — one flattened by the monster tornado — my girls truly understood that a tornado can hit, and it could hit their schools or our house.

It’s a scary moment when the veil of invincibility is lifted from your eyes. Kids think they are untouchable. They think bad things only happen to others. It’s one of the things that allows kids to be fearless. It’s one of the things that allows them to trust without reservation. It’s one of the things that makes them kids.

But in every child’s life, there comes a moment when they realize that they could get hurt, that they could experience something bad. It happens at a different time in a different way for each child, but it is a moment when a little piece of what makes them children gets stripped away.

When that moment comes, we can allow fear to overwhelm our kids or we can help them put things in perspective. The truth is that any one of us could die today. We’re not promised tomorrow, so we have to make the most of today. God has numbered our days, and it’s our job to live them to the fullest while we have them.

But that doesn’t mean that we live each day in fear that it will be our last. It doesn’t mean that we raise fearful children. It means that we teach our kids that while we’re not promised tomorrow, we are given this one extraordinary life to live to fulfill God’s purpose for us. We don’t have to worry about tomorrow because God has it under control. We don’t have to live a life filled with fear about the future because God is with us as we take each step. 2 Timothy 1:7 says “For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.”

I can’t promise my kids nothing bad will happen when they walk out the door of our home today, but I can promise them that no matter what happens God is there with them.

If your heart is breaking like mine as you watch the images of parents waiting for word on their children, say a prayer for the community of Moore today and consider donating to the relief efforts through the American Red Cross.

My older daughter played her last soccer game of the season yesterday, and school is out on Thursday.

It has been a long, long year for my older daughter. School struggles, raging hormones, soccer frustrations, injury and troubled friendship waters have all been a part of her year.

To be honest, I’ve struggled to help her. It’s possible that I’ve shed as many tears for her as she has shed this year. Usually in this space, I try to give all of you a small glimpse into our lives with the intent of helping you teach your kids about God using the everyday moments in your lives. Today, I simply want to share with you some of my struggle this year in the hopes that some other mom who is struggling with her child will not feel quite so alone.

You see, as the year winds down, I find that in many ways this year, I failed my sixth-grader. Sometimes, we didn’t make the right decisions. Other times, we didn’t help her make the right decisions. Sometimes, we didn’t push hard enough. Other times we pushed too hard. Sometimes we brushed aside things that were important. Other times we focused too much on things that weren’t important.

It wasn’t until the past month that I really understood how much my daughter’s self-confidence had been battered this year. Thoughts of “I can do this” turned into a sobbing “I’m so stupid.” Confidence on the soccer field turned into “I’m the worst player out there.” Her perception of her own value as a friend went from “people like me” to “if the social ladder was a food chain, I’d be a bug.”

Honestly, some of the responsibility for that rests on me. I got so caught up in the busyness of our schedule and in some issues we were having with our other daughter that I missed the shattering of her self-confidence. I missed the cues she was sending me until the school year was winding down.

And, truly, sometimes I feel alone as a parent. People tell me that middle school is tough, but that’s just the way it is.  And I struggle with that answer because those people aren’t where we are. What if it’s more than just a tough transition? Most of my friends’ daughters adjusted to middle school well. They haven’t struggled to make friends or to find their spot.

Honestly, I look around, and I’m jealous of those moms and daughters. I’m envious that their daughters are doing so well while mine is struggling mightily. And I wonder, what did we do wrong? Where did we make the decisions that landed us here?

These days, I cling to Jeremiah 29:11: “‘For I know the plans I have for you,’ declares the Lord, ‘plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.’” I know that God has a plan for my daughter. I know that He can use the difficult year she’s had for His purpose. I know that she’s going to come out the other side of this stronger, and we’ll come out of it wiser.

I don’t have any quick fix answers. I don’t really have any wisdom for the situation. What I do have is the knowledge that no matter how dark the tunnel or how deep the pit, God is there. He’s a light in that pit or at the end of that tunnel. He heals the broken-hearted and offers rest to the weary. He can make all things work together for His purpose.

So, today, sweet mom, if you’re walking a dimly lit path with your child. If the tears that flow aren’t just your child’s but your own as well. If you’re looking at the decisions you’ve made and wondering whether they were the right ones. If you’re holding a broken child in your arms and your heart. Know this. Know that God has not left you or your child. He sees you. He hears you. He loves you.

Hold tight to that knowledge because there is light at the end of the tunnel even if it’s hidden around a curve. Keep doing the best you can do. Keep relying on God for strength and wisdom. Because He loves your child more than you ever could, and He has an amazing plan for that child.

Ever since the news broke that police had found three women who had been missing in Cleveland for 10 years, I’ve been thinking about keeping my girls safe.

My girls are 10 and almost 12. They’re past the age where I can keep that at my side all the time. They’re past the age where I can monitor everyone they hang out with. They’re past the age where I can monitor their every move. Yet, as a mom my first instinct is to want to put them in a bubble and keep them safe. I want to keep them where I can see them. I want to keep them from harm.

But the truth is that sticking my kids in a bubble and keeping them by my side all the time doesn’t create successful, ready-to-launch adults. We’ve reached the point with both our girls where we have less time left with them at home than we’ve already had with them. Our focus has to be on teaching them how to navigate the dangers of this world, not on always being there to protect them from harm.

Whether it’s physical harm, emotional harm or spiritual harm, we want to keep our kids safe from it. When they’re little, that seems easier. Our kids are rarely away from us, and they’re almost never with people that we don’t know or don’t approve of. As they get older, though, we have to loosen the reins a bit. We have to start giving them some independence. And that’s when we have to rely on God. That’s when we have to turn our worry and fear over to God and trust that no matter what happens, God is in control and He will watch over them.

I can’t go to every sleep over. I can’t monitor what’s said on the soccer field or at the hockey rink. I can’t protect my girls from all sorts of harm. But God sees them. He hears them. He watches over them. He is there even when I am not. Joshua 1:9 says, “Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.” God has told us not to be afraid. He has said the He is with us wherever we go. Placing our kids in God’s hands is one of the hardest things to do, but it is something we need to do daily — because our kids don’t belong to us; they belong to Him.

We can and should be teaching our kids how to handle different situations. We need to teach them how to be safe. If you’re looking for a great resource on what to teach your kids and what the true dangers are to our kids, I highly recommend reading Protecting the Gift: Keeping Children and Teenagers Safe (and Parents Sane) by Gavin de Becker. It is the best book I’ve ever read about how to keep our kids safe in what seems like a crazy world.

But it’s important for us to remember that no matter how hard we try, we can’t keep our kids safe from everything. People are going to hurt them. People are going to do mean things. And even though we can’t always be there to stop the hurt, we can trust that God is in control, that there’s nothing that He doesn’t see. We can trust that God has a plan, and He will see it through. We can trust that our kids are in good hands.

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The other day, my younger daughter brought home a math paper that didn’t have a passing grade on it. It was pretty out of character for her as she’s usually pretty good in math. When I asked her about it, the conversation went something like this.

“I don’t think you understand this concept. Please bring your math book home tomorrow, and we’ll work on it over the weekend.”

“I understand how to do that stuff.”

“The grade on this paper says you don’t.”

“But I do.”

“I have evidence in my hand that you don’t.”

“I don’t need help. I understand it.”

This particular conversation continued way longer than it should have. My husband walked in the door in the middle of it, and I’m sure was super impressed with my ability to carry on a prolonged conversation with an irrational 10-year-old. By the time I finally got smart and simply told her we were done talking about it, she was in tears and I was ready to pull out my hair.

The math book did come home the next day, and we looked at the material. Unfortunately it was math that required some special tiles that they only had at school. I stuck a note to her teacher asking her teacher to go over the material with her again since she clearly didn’t understand it.

When my daughter got home that day from school, I asked her if her teacher had explained the math to her. My daughter looked at me and simply said, “It wasn’t my paper.” Someone else’s paper had gotten put in her mailbox. She had gotten a 100 percent on that particular paper.

As my younger daughter was telling her father this story at the dinner table, my older daughter looked at me, and said, “I think you owe her an apology.”

And I did. I was wrong. I didn’t know it at the time, but I was 100 percent in the wrong. And I did owe her an apology.

As parents, it’s hard to be wrong. It’s hard to admit that we blew it. It’s hard to tell our kids we’re sorry when we lose our temper or jump to the wrong conclusion. How we handle being wrong, though, teaches our kids more about humility and how to restore a relationship than any object lesson or discussion we can have with them. Our kids are watching how we act. They’re learning how to handle situations from watching us.

When we’re wrong, especially when we’re wrong about something that involves our kids, we have to admit it. We have to give our kids a picture of humility and apology. We have to show them that we respect them enough to apologize to them. We have to give them an example to follow.

Proverbs 11:2 says “When pride comes, then comes disgrace, but with humility comes wisdom.” When we’re wrong, and we admit it to our kids, we show them a picture of humility. Not only do we gain wisdom from situations where we have to admit that we’re wrong, our kids gain wisdom as well. They learn what humility looks like. They learn that it’s OK to be wrong. They learn that it’s important to apologize for any hurt they have caused.

So, don’t be afraid to admit to your kids when you’re wrong. Don’t be afraid to apologize. It doesn’t make you a weak person. It doesn’t weaken your authority as a parent. It simply makes you human and gives you an opportunity to give your kids an example of humility.

We’re 6 1/2 days away from the end of the school year, and there’s not a person in this house who is not ready for the school year to end. I think even the dog is ready for summer.

It’s been a long school year around here. With my older daughter in middle school and my younger one struggling with a crowded classroom of challenging kids, we’ve spent a lot of time this year soothing worries, drying tears and simply giving our girls enough encouragement to get through the day. Some days we were successful; some days we weren’t. But we can see the light at the end of the tunnel. It’s just around the corner.

As we get ready for summer, I’m spending some time evaluating our school year, wondering what we could have changed and what we want to do the same next year. The end of the school year is a great time to sit down with your kids and talk with them about the things they have learned this year — not just academically but socially, emotionally and spiritually as well. Talk with them about what they felt worked this year and what they felt they want to change for next year.

Evaluating the year is important for two reasons. 1) It creates some closure on the school year, and 2) it gives you a starting point for next year. I already know that we’ll be making some changes in how we address things with both girls — and they may not be the same changes for each kid. Each child is different, so our approach needs to be different.

I want to encourage you to take some time to take a look back on the school year. Focus on things your kids did well. Talk about places where they can improve. Give them some encouragement and feedback on how you think their year went. Encourage them to give you feedback on how the things you did during the school year affected them.

We can only get better at parenting our kids if we take some time to evaluate what we’re doing and why we’re doing it. Check in with your kids, and check in with God. Spend some time praying about your school year. Ask God to point out areas where you need to rely on Him more or change the way your interacting with your kids. God cares about you, and He cares about your kids. He’s available to offer you wisdom and strength to make some changes if you need to. Trust Him to show you the path you need to take next year.

Proverbs 3:5-6 says “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight.” That includes submitting our school year to Him. He will guide us to make good choices for our kids. We just have to trust Him — even if when we evaluate the year we find drastic changes need to be made.

Before you dive into summer, take some time to evaluate your year. Your next school year will be better for it.

We went to my 6th-grade daughter’s middle school awards ceremony last night, and I was left wondering what we’re teaching our kids about success.

Besides the fact that it seemed we were rewarding every small achievement a child could accomplish, the teachers chose one student from each grade to be the recipients of a special award. The award was given to the child who best represented the ideals of what it means to be a student at my daughter’s school. All three winners were girls. All three were pretty. All three were outgoing, excellent students and popular with their peers.

Don’t get me wrong. All of those things are great qualities to have, and each girl chosen was certainly deserving of the award. But it made me stop and wonder what we are teaching our kids about success. Is a child who is less outgoing any less successful? Is a child who excels in shop class or home ec any less successful than a child who excels in more traditional subjects? Is the child who is a fabulous musician but struggles in math less successful than a child with a 4.0 grade point? Is the child who spent all semester pulling a D to a B in an honors class less successful than a child who easily made the honor roll all four quarters in easier classes?

It made me stop and wonder what I’m teaching my kids about success. My older daughter is painfully shy in a crowd. She definitely needs to overcome some of that in order to function in this world, but I wonder if my efforts to help her move out of her shell are motivated by what’s best for her or by a need to have her “fit in.” My younger daughter makes some unconventional choices about the things she likes to do. I wonder if some of my efforts to sometimes steer her choices toward the mainstream are motivated by a need for her to be like other girls or by true concern for her.

Am I sending the message to my girls that the way God made them isn’t enough? Society sends that message so often. If you don’t fit in the carefully constructed image of success, then you can get left by the wayside, especially in those pre-teen years. And I wonder if I’m contributing to that.

Because, you see, God doesn’t measure success by how smart we are, how popular we are or how good we are at sports. He measures success by whether we’re following hard after Jesus. He measures success by how much we love His Son. He measures success by how well we love each other. And that’s not measurable on any human scale.

I want to send my girls the message that while academic and social success are good things, they aren’t the most important thing. I want them to know that God doesn’t base success on how high their grades are, how many friends they have or how well they succeed on the sports field. I want them to know that God uses a different measure of success, and I want them to seek His success, not the world’s.

So, while we’ll still be cheering on our girls’ accomplishments at school and on the field, while we’ll still be encouraging them to make decisions that lead to having good friends, we’ll also be focusing on raising girls who go hard after God and seek His measure of success even when it doesn’t match up with the rest of the world’s.

If you have kids, it’s inevitable that you will spend part of your time as a parent moderating disagreements. If you have more than one child, this starts almost as soon as the second one comes along.

Our kids will experience disagreements with siblings, friends and even us over the course of their lives, so it’s important that they know how to deal with it. Too often, we don’t teach our kids how to handle their own conflicts: We either step in and solve it for them or everyone just stays mad at each other for a while. Neither one of those reactions teaches our kids how to mediate their own conflicts.

My older daughter and her best friend recently had an issue that resulted in some hurt feelings. The truth was that neither of them set out to hurt the other one’s feelings. It just happened that way. There was a lot of being insensitive to the other person’s needs going on on the part of both girls.

I really struggled to know what to do. I wanted to let them work it out themselves, but what I saw happening was that neither of them wanted to approach the issue. I saw two young ladies who had been friends since birth starting to take that friendship for granted and hurt one another without even realizing it. I also realized that they really had no idea how to start the conversation about how to resolve the issues.

So, I stepped in. However, I didn’t solve their problem. I simply started the conversation for them. We sat at the kitchen table and set some ground rules.

1. Talk about how you feel. Use “I feel” statements, not “you did” statements.

2. No attacking the other person.

3. Everyone gets a turn to talk.

Then, I let them loose. I stayed in the room and helped guide the conversation, but the girls talked it out. They both realized that they needed to do things a little bit differently to protect their friendship and parted with smiles on their faces.

Was the conversation awkward for them? Absolutely. Was it hard? You betcha. Was it necessary to the survival of their friendship? Yes.

One of the best things we can do for our kids is to teach them to deal appropriately with conflict. Carrying a grudge or hauling around a bag of built-up hurt only destroys relationships. Proverbs 29:8 says “Mockers stir up a city, but the wise turn away anger.” If we’re wise, we’ll teach our kids how to avoid carrying a grudge or fostering anger. We’ll teach them to resolve their conflicts rather than “stir up a city.”

It really is OK to be angry about something that has happened in a relationship. It’s not OK to carry a grudge and stew in that anger. Teaching our kids to be wise and turn away anger, teaching them to resolve conflict in appropriate ways is one of the most important tools we can put in our kids’ toolboxes. It will prevent broken relationships, anxiety and unnecessary conflict in their lives. Start giving your kids conflict-solving tools today.

The two girls got out of the car. The first one out saw another friend and ran off to greet her, leaving the second girl to make her way in to the school alone, trailing behind the two others.

I saw her head bow, her shoulders slump. Not a minute into her school day and her soul had been wounded.

And my mama heart broke.

It broke because I don’t have any words of wisdom that can heal the wound of being left out, of being forgotten. It broke because I remember those awkward pre-teen days when you don’t know exactly who you are, and you have no idea who you want to be. It broke because that wounded soul is my child.

This year, as Mother’s Day approaches, I feel more keenly than any year since my first daughter was born what it is to be a mother, what it means to have pieces of your heart walking around outside your body.

That first Mother’s Day was one of wonder and joy, finally understanding what it really means to be a mom. This Mother’s Day is a reminder that being a mom sometimes means that you simply hold them and remind them that they are loved, that they are valuable, and that they are God’s.

That first Mother’s Day, I just knew I could love my daughter and protect her from harm. This Mother’s Day, I know that being a mom doesn’t mean that you can fix every problem even though you want to. Oh, how you want to.

That first Mother’s Day, I was a mama with a heart filled with joy over my baby’s first milestones. This Mother’s Day, I’m a mama with a heart that aches for the struggles my girls have faced this year.

That first Mother’s Day, I knew that I would need to rely on God to make it through the next 18 years. This Mother’s Day, I’m living the reality of knowing that the most powerful thing a mom can do is get on her knees and storm the gates of heaven for her kids. I’m learning that even if I can’t heal the wounds of this world, He can.

That first Mother’s Day, I was still learning just what being a mom meant. This Mother’s Day, I know that being a mom means that you have to be wise, patient, loving, firm and so many more things – so many of which I’m not.

That first Mother’s Day, I thought if I just did all the “right” things, then my girls would make all the right choices. This Mother’s Day I know that it’s a rare day when I do all the “right” things. I know that a mom can do everything she knows to help her kids make good choices, and those kids can still make the wrong ones.

That first Mother’s Day, I thought I had all the answers for the years yet to come. This Mother’s Day, I know that mothering is a one-day-at-a-time proposition, and God only provides the wisdom, the strength and the courage that we need for that day.

As I celebrate Mother’s Day this year with my girls, as I look back on the struggles they’ve faced since last Mother’s Day, I know that the journey isn’t always easy. I know that this mama rarely has all the answers. But I also know that, even though my perspective has changed from that first Mother’s Day, I wouldn’t trade this amazing, frustrating, joy-filled, crazy, heart-breaking job for any other.

My 10-year-old daughter really wanted to go see Iron Man 3 this past weekend. I did a little research and told her no. This comes on the heels of her request to go see 42, to which I also said no.

The Iron Man 3 answer was easy. It’s rated PG-13 and the review in our newspaper said it had “Diehard-like body counts.” The 42 answer was not.

You see, I really wanted to let her see 42. For those of you who don’t know, 42 is the story of Jackie Robinson, the first black player in Major League Baseball. I felt like the lessons she could learn from that movie and the history she could absorb would be worth bending our no PG-13 movies until you’re older rule. Plus, I really wanted to go see the movie.

It boiled down to one scene in the movie. Everyone I talked to who had seen it mentioned the scene where Jackie Robinson gets dressed down by an opposing manager. To a person, they all said it was too much for a 10-year-old. So I said no.

I hated saying no. I really wanted to share a movie and my love of baseball with my daughter. I really wanted to have some good conversations about the history of segregation in our country. I really thought good could come of seeing that movie. But it will have to wait. We’ll have to get it on DVD or Netflix when she’s older.

My daughter and I both learned a couple of things through this process. She learned that even though a movie might be worth watching (and I believe that 42 is one of those movies), you sometimes have to wait until you’re old enough to handle it. I learned that sometimes no matter how much you want to fulfill your kids’ requests, sometimes it’s better to make them wait.

You see, I could have taken her to see 42, and we could have worked our way through that scene. I could have convinced myself that the rest of the movie had enough redeeming value that it was worth helping her understand what was going on in that one scene. Some parents may make that choice, and that’s OK. It just wasn’t the right choice for my daughter.

You see, society wants our kids to grow up really fast. It wants them to dress like mini adults. It wants them to be introduced to sex and violence at a young age. It wants them to understand adult things.

But I want the opposite. I want my girls to enjoy being kids. I want them to grow up at the pace that God created them to grow. I want them to mature without me pushing them to grow up in a hurry. I want to enjoy these last vestiges of little girlhood in my house — because we are on the cusp of having two young ladies in our house instead of two little girls.

And if those are our goals, then the choices we make about what we let our kids see and do are important. We have to weigh our movie choices, our TV choices and our music choices against those goals. I can’t shelter my kids forever. I can’t and don’t want to keep them from growing up, but for these last, glittering moments of childhood, I can and will make choices that keep them growing at God’s pace, not society’s.