Everything is Somewhere Else

Lamborghini to investigate Veneno leak?

2013-03-08T11:27:00.003Z

So it turns out that Lamborghini's surprise Veneno model (£3m, in all good book stores from next week) was actually leaked early on the Geneva motor show's official publicity poster. Controversial.

I'm sure that Lamborghini will want to know how Geneva officials managed to get hold of the secret blueprints of their top secret new car. An investigation is set to be launched.

Rolls-Royce reveals Wraith design inspiration.

2013-03-04T18:58:00.000Z

The Rolls-Royce Wraith has been revealed to the world's press for the first time at the Geneva motor show, in Geneva.

Meanwhile, designers have let slip their inspiration for that bold rear end:

Do you know what? I'm not sure if I rather preferred the Wraith when it was a non-specific computer-generated shoulder line.

*First pic is from Autocar, the second taken by Kevin Davis of the Austin Princess Owners Club.
As you were.

Wraiths and strays.

2013-02-27T17:27:00.002Z

Seriously now, someone needs to sit down with Rolls-Royce and explain the subtle differences between 'ooh, you're such a tease', and 'for pete's sake, just get on with it and show us the car already'.

When some manufacturers launch a new car, it's an event whatever the case. I'm fairly certain people will notice if a new Roller pops up somewhere along the line. In fact, wouldn't it be much cooler if they surprised everyone by NOT saying that it was going to be revealed at the Geneva motor show 17 different ways?

They'd be all like 'Ha ha, surprise, chumps, here's a car and that'. But posher, obviously.

Instead they attempt a flourish, stand back with mock-drama and proclaim 'Be tantalised, proles, by this exceedingly pointless computer-generated shoulder line.'

Schreyer for president.

2013-01-14T15:00:00.000Z

This is Peter Schreyer. He's the new president of Korea. Sorry, not Korea, Kia. He's the first non-Korean president of Kia, in fact. He's 60, so don't be fooled by the powerful searchlight they've used in the picture above.

Best known as a car designer, Schreyer is famous for being the only car designer in the world not to be wearing a turtleneck right now. He's probably had to throw them all away now that he's a high-powered president and that.

Anyway, the reason that I mention all of this is the curiously self-conscious press release that Hyundai sent out. It reassured us that Mr Peter's appointment as president of Kia, which also involves oversight of Hyundai, meant that he could make sure they'll still be different. 'In particular, by overseeing the Group’s design resources, he will further cement the two brands’ differentiation strategies,' it said.

I don't know about you, but I think the best way to ensure a differentiation strategy is to keep things actually separate. Still, if anyone can do it, designerman can. I mean, this is the bloke who introduced those little dimples on the bits that go round the vents on Audi sports cars.

The new LUMMA Design Cayenne.

2013-01-11T15:23:00.000Z

AARGH. This is all.

The new Lexus IS will bite your face off.

2013-01-10T15:30:00.000Z

This is the new Lexus IS. I like it, though I fear many won't. It has this fluid, bulbous, aggressive quality to it that sets it apart from other small executive saloons. It's like a narwhal super soldier, an angry manatee with revenge on its mind.

Actually, what I think current Lexus styling most reminds me of, and is actually most impressive, is its apparent inspiration by the Predator. That grille looks like it'll swallow you whole if you get too close (a useful anti-theft feature), and perhaps giant terrifying mandibles will be a cost option. Active aerodynamics are very chic these days.

Of course, the big problem is that you won't be able to take the new IS anywhere in Los Angeles (not that I was planning to drive there for this year's May bank holiday) for fear of Arnold Schwarzenneger slathering himself in mud and trying to kill you.

It's an interesting approach from Lexus - it felt like we'd been waiting ages for a new IS, but somehow the firm has jumped several generations and gone from quite dull to quite interesting. And I mean interesting in that wary of sort of 'interesting' way that people do.

What was it Dick Emery said? 'You are awful, but I like you.'

The Perez Diaries.

2013-01-09T16:14:00.001Z

I've always had a keen eye for lookalikes (see Michael Schumacher and Celine Dion, for example), and seeing Sergio Perez on his first day at work at McLaren, I had a niggling suspicion that I had seen him somewhere before.

By jove, then it hit me. Checo is a dead ringer for Lilly Moscovitz off the Princess Diaries. In fact, a bit of lipstick and they could be the same person.

Viz:

The slightly different new Porsche 911.

2012-10-09T12:30:00.000+01:00

Some things that just don’t need changing. Like the Porsche 911. It doesn’t need any pointless vajazzling or design frou frou. People continue to want it because it has been honed to within an inch of its life over 50 years by conservative types who think a font change on the speedo is revolutionary. They changed the headlights once about 20 years ago, but never lived it down. A bajillion sales (exact figures aren’t available) in 50 years is certainly not to be sniffed at.

So yes, it looks remarkably similar to when it was introduced in the sixties, but that's because it works. The latest 911 is the seventh generation. Probably. I mean, that’s what Porsche says, but half of them look identical to each other, so you just have to take their word for it. The danger of steady evolution is that even the smallest things are massively controversial among enthusiasts. This time Porsche has dropped the hydraulic steering for an electro-hydraulic setup. I know, right? Disaster. It has rendered the feel completely bland and totally lifeless if you listen to the critics. In reality, you can’t really tell the difference. Felt pretty great to me.

The interior is pleasant enough, but it doesn’t really feel £80,000-worth of special – it has a sort of functional performance vibe. Although perhaps I’m too hard to please. Short of shagpile carpets and an espresso machine it’s really hard to quantify what a cabin should feel like over a certain price. Still, the sporty seats are supportive enough to stop you flying about the cabin as you dart around corners, and the Panamera-inspired centre console is a nice touch, sloping up towards the dashboard and that.

The 911 is the sort of car that anyone with an interest in driving should sell a kidney to own. Perhaps even two; they could sew you back up and you'd get at least five or six minutes of pleasure out of it. It's the sort of car that transcends mere steel and rubber, and adds up to more than the sum of its parts. Of course, the rear-engine layout remains inherently flawed, and the back end will still bob and skip through corners at high speed, swinging round if you lift off the accelerator suddenly.

But this is all part of the car’s charm and character. In fact, it neatly exposes the twin personalities within the 911 – it’s a sort of Lady Jekyll and Mr Hyde thing, a car capable of smarmy boulevard cruising and all-out track attack. What other car manages that?

Some people think about car tax.

2012-10-03T10:58:00.000+01:00

It's not easy being green, said Kermit the Frog. Oh, now it sounds like I'm writing a children's story, he thought to himself. Anyway, Kermit was right - saving the planet and that is a tough job. Those incompetent nincompoops over at The Government are tasked with making sure we don't all get asthma or we're baked to death while we sleep.

Running the country is a busy job, though, so you get nice people at places like Centre Forum doing a bit of thinking on the government's behalf. Actually, Centre Forum is a liberal thinktank, so it's only recently that it's been doing any thinking on the government's behalf. I actually had some dealings with them when I worked in parliament, nice chaps.

Anyway - Centre Forum produced a report this week looking at how the government can replace vehicle excise duty with something a bit more durable and equitable. Its idea is to scrap VED altogether and just charge vehicles as they're purchased based on their CO2 outputs. I think it sounds like an eminently sensible idea - and the full report is well worth a read.

Some people will say how terrible it is, charging someone £23,000 extra for a £1m Aston Martin One-77, but if that particular millionaire was hard up he could always take advantage of a £750 subsidy on the Toyota Yaris hybrid. (The thinking behind the policy idea is based on nudge theory, which I think is fascinating.)

The other thing to bear in mind - and people always fall for this mistake as they froth at the mouth about the latest government idea - is that it clearly would not be a retroactive policy shift. It even says so in the report. Cars sold before the change in VED would still pay under the old system. It's like the chaps at Centre Forum have thought about these things in advance.

Will this idea happen? Probably not. But I think it's nice that someone is doing some non-polluted sky thinking.

I drove the 1.0-litre Ford Focus.

2012-10-02T14:00:00.000+01:00

I drove the 1.0-litre version of the Ford Focus a number of months back at the company’s UK headquarters. It’s a pretty good engine, I quite liked it. Actually no, it’s not even that I quite liked it, it’s probably the best engine in the Focus range.

Soon they’ll be putting it in the Mondeo and the S-Max and it’ll be getting wonderfully low emissions figures and using hardly any fuel at all and causing breakouts of world peace.

But was I, like Ford president Alan Mulally, so excited about this marvellous little motor that I felt compelled to give it a snog? I was not.

Driving up a cycle lane in old Amsterdam.

2012-05-30T17:20:00.001+01:00

On the second morning of its Yaris hybrid launch, Toyota had arranged the cars in a pretty line out the front of the Amsterdam hotel where it had put up a legion of British journalists overnight. The only problem was the cycle path splayed out between the hotel and the river, which we had to drive on to leave.

You see, the bicycle is king in the Netherlands - cyclists have right of way across main roads, freewheel into the middle of roundabouts and lurch about across country roads, which give over metres of room on either side for cycle lanes in which old men and women can struggle along three abreast. Driving on a cycle lane that isn't bordered by a hatched line is punishable by death in the great kingdom of the lowlands. Probably.

It's an anarchic situation, and doesn't seem sustainable in the long-term. If I were in power over there I would initiate some sort of state automobile, a sponsored scheme to ensure that every Dutcher could get behind the wheel and stop this silly nonsense of cycling all over the place. A volks waagen, if you will.

Anyway - we were leaving the hotel. We had already been shouted at by an aggressively bespectacled middle-aged woman on a bicycle, but the nice man from Toyota directed us off to the left, following the bright orange arrows, as soon as the little traffic light for bikes turned green.

Somehow my driving partner, who was behind the wheel at the time (and shall remain nameless, for fear of prosecution by the orange-loving hippies, although his name rhymes with Schmandy Wenright), contrived to miss the turn-off on to the proper round and carried on for 40 excruciating metres up a cycle road.

What followed was a Carry On-esque tumult of wobbly front wheels and waving fists. It struck me then that not only is the Netherlands mental, but that even cars like the Yaris just won't be good enough for them. Silent running in EV mode or not, the only danger they faced wasn't from a sudden asthma attack, but rather being mildly crushed by the handsome 16-inch alloy wheels.

It's all double standards over there, mock outrage at clumsy car drivers, for the Dutches allow scooters to hare along their cycle roads with abandon, so why not allow a car operating in zero emissions mode to take advantage of the extensive network of bicycle lanes that exist across the country? No wonder they all smoke drugs over there.

Excuse me, but what is the SMMT day?

2012-05-24T11:00:00.000+01:00

You may have seen lots of people talking about the SMMT test day today, or perhaps it’s something you’ve heard vague mention of, or perhaps you’re lost (the toilets are just down there on the left, sir). The SMMT test day is a test day organised by the SMMT, the society of motor manufacturers and traders, the body that represents motor manufacturers and traders in the UK. The UK is the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland, the kingdom that unites Great Britain and Northern Ireland.

Anyway – the test day is basically like the end-of-year trip to Alton Towers for car journalists. It has become very popular – indeed, many older journalists come out of retirement specifically for this occasion, and maybe the odd Fiat launch. It’s not open to mere civilians, just the treasured few (hundred) who hold the secret card that allows access. Or who are invited. Or fill out a form. Manufacturers from across the board bring a selection of their cars to the Millbrook proving ground in deepest darkest Bedfordshire, just off the M1. It’s a top secret location, handily signposted from the motorway.

Millbrook, interestingly – and every journalist will be telling everyone this for days before and after – the hill route on the Millbrook test track was used for the scene in Casino Royale when James Bond rolls his Aston Martin. This links nicely to the test day, because every year someone shames him or herself by crashing a car ignominiously into the bushes or something. Every journalist hopes it won’t be them, and every manufacturer hopes that it won’t be one of their cars, but everyone is generally rubbing their hands together to see who it might be.

This sort of occasion is genuinely quite useful for a car journalist, because rarely if ever do you get to spend time jumping between rival manufacturers’ cars and giving them the once over on exactly the same road conditions. Also, for most of us it’s the only time that Bentley will let us near any of their stuff. Personally I will be aiming to break the world record for the most cars tested at the SMMT test day in the history of man. Of course, I must admit that I don’t actually have a clue what the record is, but it’s probably something over 30. I will be twittering my brains out if I don’t leave my thing in the car like last time, and will no doubt update you on what happens. Especially now you know what the SMMT day is.

Hyundai for sale, 40 careful owners.

2012-05-10T15:46:00.002+01:00

I think I would steer clear of any second-hand new-generation Hyundai i30s for the time being, especially if it has a massive 'ex-demonstration' sticker in the window.

For Hyundai's latest publicity stunt has been to leave one of the spanking new i30s in the middle of the baboon enclosure at Knowsley Safari Park for 10 hours while they tried to rip things off and liberally smeared shit over the seats. Apparently Wayne Rooney's car was damaged when visiting the place last year (perhaps they thought he was coming home), so this was the ideal acid test.

Eurgh.

Lotus has gone mental.

2012-04-11T17:39:00.003+01:00

(So, to catch you up if you've not been following, there have been all sorts of rumours about Lotus since Malaysian parent company Proton was bought by Malaysian conglomerate (nasty word) DRB-HICOM. They build cars and that.

The rumours (circulated by some respectable journalists, and some industry oddballs) have been that CEO Dany Bahar has been sacked, and that Lotus is to be put into administration by DRB so that they can get rid of it and shrug off around £200m of debts the sportscar manufacturer has built up.)

That Lotus press release in full before someone decides to try and take out a superinjunction and get it back:

Never let the facts get in the way of a good story….

Take a little look at what we found online. Don’t you think it’s funny? We do. We had a good old giggle. After all, we love a bit of self irony, just as well really. Although it’s funny, this one’s not accurate but then again, why let the facts get in the way of a good story? The inconvenient truth is – surprise, surprise – we have never said that there are no problems at Lotus.

So whilst lots of people obviously feel the need to comment on Lotus’ current situation in the absence of proper facts or evidence, we can’t ignore these particular mistruths any longer even if we would like to, so we have decided to turn a negative into a positive and use this hilarious piece of ‘art’ to set the record straight regarding the status quo at Group Lotus and try to return a little stability to a fast changing situation.

False rumour #1: Dany Bahar is no longer CEO of Group Lotus.
Fact: Rubbish – Dany Bahar still is.

False rumour #2: Dato’ Sri Syed is no longer Managing Director of Proton.
Fact: Again rubbish. He still is.

You can thank good old Tony Fernandes for these two. Don’t take everything he tweets too seriously – perhaps he’s still frustrated about owning Caterham instead of Lotus and the fact that he fights HRT and Marussia instead of Mercedes and Ferrari in F1.

And whilst we’re on the subject of jokes - do you know the latest F1 joke? Mike Gascoyne, Caterham Group’s Chief Technical Officer, has gone missing. Why? He’s looking for the 30 to 40 points he predicted for the last F1 season. Funny.

Speaking of F1: It seems that one special so called ‘independent’ source is at the root of the lion’s share of damaging rumours and misleading stories. The delightful Joe Saward which leads us nicely to….

False rumour #3: Joe Saward is JUST an independent journalist.
Fact: He is an active Director on the Caterham Group Board.

And unlike some, we don’t want to get too personal, so we’ll leave it to you to judge how ‘independent’ his stories about Lotus are.

False rumour #4: Group Lotus is no longer involved in F1.
Fact: Lotus F1 Team and Group Lotus have reshaped their commercial relationship earlier this year. The new governance agreement signifies the continued commitment of Group Lotus to the team and the sport.

Group Lotus’ branding and marketing rights and subsequent activities remain unaffected by the new agreement until at least 2017. Alongside continued branding and title partnership status, Group Lotus is also the exclusive master licensee for all Lotus F1 Team merchandise.

The new agreement was reached following Group Lotus owners Proton providing team owners Genii with a £30m loan which is repayable within three years. In order to secure the loan Genii used 100% of the F1 team’s assets as collateral meaning that under the conditions of the loan agreement Proton have been given full title guarantee to all plant, machinery, show cars, computers, office and the Lotus F1 Team headquarters.

In addition Proton retains the rights to purchase 10% of the F1 team. Another 10% share option will be activated if the team default on their loan obligations with Proton.

Again we leave it to your judgement how ‘bad’ Lotus’ current situation in F1 is. And speaking of bad situations…..

False rumour #5: Group Lotus is going into administration.
Fact: Rubbish. The takeover of our parent company Proton by DRB-HICOM couldn’t have come at a worse time, but up until that point Proton was (and still remains) fully committed to our five year business plan to create jobs and to expand the factory and business. With the takeover process the funding has been restricted and DRB-HICOM is taking time to understand what to do with the business. DRB-HICOM is currently in the middle of due diligence of Group Lotus and there have been and continue to be positive discussions between Group Lotus senior management and senior management at DRB-HICOM both here in Hethel and in Malaysia. At no point has DRB-HICOM indicated to Group Lotus that it intends to put the company into administration. The over-active rumour mill is seriously damaging our business reputation, image and credibility but it is what it is.

The simple fact is, and we haven’t denied this - Lotus is going through a very difficult phase at the moment but we are showing true fighting spirit every day in trying to keep this vision alive. This is also a fact – no matter what people outside of Lotus may say or tweet or blog.

Texts from Hillary to Dany Bahar.

2012-04-11T17:36:00.002+01:00

Lotus has just released the most mental response to the swirling rumours around its future that I've ever seen. Bear in mind that this is an actual press release that has gone to actual publications around the actual industry. No wonder Hillary is getting involved.

P.S. If you're not in on the joke, check out the most excellent Texts From Hillary website.

Geneva show press day liveblog!

2012-03-06T07:26:00.000Z

5.57pm - It's still a bit cold out today. It hasn't rained though, which is good, because I left my umbrella at home. Again.

It is nine degrees in Geneva.

4.31pm - Also, I went to Ikea for lunch. It was delicious.

4.27pm - Gosh, how time flies when you are enjoying yourself. Also, when you are in the office. I say in the office, but we did pop out for a quick photo shoot with the longterm Audi A1 we've got in at the moment. We are comparing it with the most powerful model in the range which has double the horsepower and costs nearly £7,000 more.

12.02pm - Business as usual. Some writing. Some more coffee. Definitely no buffet lunches or swanky press conferences here.

10.09am - More incomprehensible guff from Bentley: "The name ‘EXP 9 F’ continues a Bentley tradition for its Experimental concepts that dates back to the very roots of the Company. While this explains ‘EXP 9’, the story behind the ‘F’ is quite different. It stands for Falcon and helps to forge the link between Bentley Motors and Peckforton Castle."

I still don't get it.

9.52am - I should have recreated the Geneva press day atmosphere by hiring two models to lounge by the urn in the staff kitchen all day. Thinking about my options for lunch.

9.32am - I am now firmly ensconced at work with a cup of coffee. The traffic wasn't too bad this morning. Bit overcast out.

8.07am - The big news of the day so far is that the rucksack I often use for launches which I washed last night is almost dry already. Also, Nissan are going to build a new, as-yet unspecified car at its Sunderland plant. I'm basically thrilled.

7.49am - I am listening to Radio 4. Trying to decide whether I want to get out of bed and have some coffee. I was going to have some food, but I have just seen pictures of the new Bentley SUV concept again and I'm feeling kinda queasy.

7.37am - I have checked my emails. Some press releases. I have checked twitter. Lots of smug journalists tweeting pictures from the show. Pff.

7.26am - I have woken up before my alarm. I hate it when that happens. I am not going to Geneva today, but didn't want to get left behind by all the exciting news.

Have a Seat.

2011-12-23T02:02:00.000Z

My job’s a funny one. Travelling around to drive new cars you often end up with the same people every couple of weeks – this little community has built up around launches and you get to know people that little better every time, until they get a new job and someone else takes their place.

It seems to me there’s this unwritten rule of ‘what happens on launch, stays on launch’. A few stories escape of minibar binges or cars written off, and I’ve seen first-hand the carnage that alcohol can wreak, with people dancing on tables or waking up with Slovenian women in their hotel room.

But you get these signpost events in the journalistic calendar – motor shows, one-off specials and especially the end of term Seat Christmas party. Tonight the latter took place – a trendy confection of who’s who in motoring journalism crammed into an Oxford St. hotspot with recently former F1 driver Jaime Alguersuari pumping out obnoxiously loud music from the decks and a bar positively vomiting drinks into people. It was great.

Of course, I can barely talk now that I’ve spent an entire evening gossiping at the top of my voice (subtly, of course) and I’m aching having spent the whole evening sucking in my stomach so that my waistcoat didn’t explode. There are definitely things to speak of – the monthly consumer mag editor dancing like an ageing lesbian, the up-and-comer getting progressively slurrier and the seasoned pro on a queasy prowl for the ladies. But we will leave those suitably vague to avoid any lawsuits. Of course, I left fairly early, so I'm looking forward to hearing about whatever fights, vomiting and embarrassing activities have gone on.

What was really nice was to see unseen rivals and colleagues gathering in one place to have fun and relax in each other’s company. So there we have it – the Seat party has happened, now we can have Christmas.

I am an official friend of the environment.

2011-12-20T13:26:00.000Z

I was recently engaged as a co-driver in the RAC Future Car Challenge by the indubitable Hannah from Green Car Design. It was quite the thrill, going up against some of the best drivers in the world. And Damon Hill was there too. Haha, see what I did there?

Damon was driving the same car as us, a Peugeot 508 e-HDI, and I was determined to smash him. I’m competitive like that, you see. More out of our league was television’s favourite North Face-wearing building site visitor Kevin McCloud. He was driving a sexy little EV prototype that looked far less comfortable and warm than our Peugeot, but infinitely greener.

The route took us on the reverse route of the following day’s London to Brighton veteran car run – the unadulterated poisonous clouds of death the classics would be belching out clearly offset by our environmentally friendly ways. We started off at the coast and made our way up to central London, where the adoring crowds were waiting for us in Regent Street.

It’s massively nerve-wracking, doing eco-driving. You don’t want to be driving inefficiently, slowing down for red lights or other cars. You become relentlessly focused on the task in hand, supremely selfish and obsessed with your dashboard readouts. The biggest problem was getting stuck behind EVs – their optimum speed was something approaching walking distance, but our turbodiesel engine was better at higher speeds, with double digits.

Once we had arrived in Regent Street there was a terrifically nerve-wracking wait* to find out the results. And do you know what? My neurotic competitiveness had won the day – we beat our competitors to a surprising class win. I can’t even remember the figures by this stage – I think our MPG was in the mid-60s somewhere.

Let's be frank though. It’s not the facts, but the winning – and beating Damon Hill – that counts.

*By nerve-wracking wait I mean interminable train journey to Brighton to pick up the car I’d gone down in.

Stuck on an Italian motorway.

2011-11-01T12:36:00.001Z

"Er, help?"

"Schwibbledy bon giorno telepass."

"I have no Italian, could you say something in English, please?"

"SCHWIBBLEDY BON GIORNO TELEPASS."

"WE HAVE. A TELEPASS."

"SCHWIBBLEDY BON GIORNO TELEPASS!"

We were getting nowhere. I was sitting in the facelifted Mazda 3 MPS with the internet's Alex Goy in he driving seat, apparently on the verge of sobbing down an Italian motorway intercom.

We had survived the Mazda's violent tendency to throw you into the path of oncoming traffic under acceleration, and we had survived my somewhat perky driving style. To die here, to die now, in the corner of some unknown Italian tollbooth... Well, it would just be perverse.

To die in a Mazda 3, that would be something. Nowhere near James Dean's Porsche Speedster on the scale of cool ways to go. They may have tinkered with the driving dynamics, fettled the dampers and reprofiled the front bumper to shave 0.01 off the drag coefficient, but they had done nothing to make James Dean want to crash one. Though he may not have had a choice - seriously, that torque steer...

Something in Alex's voice, the faint quivering tremor, the fact that he had just reversed the car out of one toll lane to try the next Telepass booth and nearly triggered a minor RTA - the stoic man at the other end of the intercom marked HELP in blocky yellow letters took compassion where I could only laugh and take the handbrake off so that we rolled imperceptibly forwards as Alex hung out of the window yelling. The barrier, once forever blocking our way to freedom, lifted up. Zoom zoom.

I am in Portugal.

2011-10-11T10:00:00.000+01:00

I am in Portugal, strolling round a seaside car park for several minutes. I say strolling. I mean gasping for air next to the new Kia Rio. It's humid.

Enter a policeman, stage left.

"Hola, Portuguese?"

"Er, no, sorry. English."

"Why so many of this cars?"

"It's a...NEW. CAR. (steering wheel gesture) Laaaunch. First time. EVER. (expansive arm gesture nearly hits policeman in face) Driving."

"Ah. You come from England to drive? Nice life!"

Despite being a patronising twat, I come away from this moment of bonding and international reconciliation with a warm glow. It was really hot out there, you know?

But the car was surprisingly good and it is a nice life. Although perhaps this is me being patronising again, because Kia has been on a roll of late. I love the new Picanto - it's one of the few cars I could see me spending my own limited amounts of money on to own.

The best thing about the car was far and away the new three-cylinder 1.1-litre diesel engine that Kia has developed. I'm still struggling for accurate adjectives writing up my roadtest for the mag, but it thrums with charm and has more accessible torque than any of its sister engines in the Rio range, petrol or diesel. It is basically magical. With those other engines you find yourself hunting up and down the gearbox for the sweet spot like an addict in search of the most fleeting fix. But the 1.1? It is that sweet spot.

The handling isn't too bad, either - there's minimal feel to the steering and you can occasionally lose where the front wheels are pointed, but the Rio doesn't wash out into understeer at the sight of a mildly tricky corner, it just seems to cling gamely on. If they can knock together a half-decent performance version of the Rio I reckon they'll be onto a winner. No really.

Kia's inexorable march to the top (it and sister company Hyundai are joint fourth in the list of top 10 global car manufacturers) has a narrative that bangs on endlessly about the mojo that formerAudidesignerPeterSchreyer has brought to the table, but the company still needs to come up with the goods in other areas. It's well on the way - and besides, the police like it.

Attacked by a zombie.

2011-10-07T09:30:00.000+01:00

To tell you the truth, what really tickles me about Peugeots is the badge. They redesigned it not long ago to have a fresh business face and all that shizzle, simplifying and funkifying as is the corporate wont these days.

Jaguar has done something similar with its unfortunately nicknamed ‘Growler’ which appears on the front of its cars. Personally I always preferred the leaping cat to the gurning gargoyle, but the former does conjure up certain images of 1950s limousines, so I can see why they went bling.

The Peugeot badge, though…or the zombie lion, as I call it. It genuinely does look like a rampaging zombie wildcat. I’ve never really thought of animals being zombies, but why can’t the walking undead have pets? If Siegfried and Roy ever stalked the earth hunting for brains they’d need something on a chain to keep them company, no? To tell you the truth Zombie Lion does scare me a bit.

The Growler seems like a cool dude - he wears shades, after all - he seems like a mentalist car badge that can be reasoned with. Zombie Lion less so. He would chew off your face and use your femur as a toothpick before remembering he was only going to ask you what the time was. And it must kill him that he's stuck on the front of a Peugeot - no wonder he's mad. Grr.

I do a podcast whilst on a racetrack. Oo-er.

2011-10-06T09:30:00.001+01:00

I recently got to spend some quality time on a nice racetrack up in the north somewhere (the Midlands) with television's Charlie Butler-Henderson of the great Butler-Henderson clan. He's a racing driver, who also does some telly. He's quite a good racing driver. It was lots of fun to drive around the racing track with him giving me some tips and encouraging me to explore the talents of the Seat Leon FR+.

It's not the hottest Leon, but I reckon it's the most fun. It's all fast and that, with nice handling and Volkswagen's twin-clutch gearbox that does gear changes REALLY QUICKLY. Like faster than it takes for you to read this. It just reaches that nice balance between a spunky car you can have fun in, and a spunky car that will land you in prison.

Anyway, I sort of digress - the main reason I bring all of this up is not just to brag about all of the fun I've been having, but also to point you in the direction of a PODISODE that I recorded with Alex Goy. Well, he recorded it with me. It's his podisode. But he graciously allowed me to be a background artiste and converse with him as we drove around the circuit. That was also fun.

Have a listen here. Go on.

Stranded on a Nazi island

2011-10-04T10:07:00.000+01:00

I would say that you've not lived until you've been shuttled to a deserted rocky island littered with sinister ruins of Nazi battlements and anti-aircraft guns, intimidated by the drug-addled owner of a shabby seafood restaurant (I wasn't quite sure whether the 'danger of death' signs accounted for the sharply poignant military area or Ozzy Osbourne's langoustines) and then harassed by the most ear-pearcingly irksome folk band for many minutes between courses.

Indeed, I wasn't the only one saying that the Peugeot 3008 HY4 launch was the most batshit crazy we'd been on...

My driving partner for the launch, James of Car Dealershire, asked for some tabasco sauce to go with his oysters. The answer? "I don't have any of that shit, you'll eat it how I tell you to eat it," delivered in the most scouringly hoarse French whisper you could imagine. We were a little bit scared of him. Also, his hands were grubby and he'd been on that island since March. No wonder he was insane.

Bizarrely enough after all that, the car itself was neither here nor there, the automotive equivalent of a fridge. You could be impressed by its chilling capacity, but you'd never love it (although its chilling capacity was remarkably diminished every time the car switched to batteries only and turned off the air conditioning in 30 degree heat).

That said, the world's first diesel hybrid will no doubt sell a few on the back of its impressive numbers and in spite of its depressing drive. Incidentally, I'm always impressed by the ability of communications-types to pepper their presentations with such choicely inappropriate words as 'dynamic', and 'premium'.

But seriously - there was an old French man in a kilt dancing on a table and playing the bagpipes. I might not remember the car so well (thankfully I made some notes), but I'll always remember the Nazi island, Irish folk singing and a tremendously dodgy tummy.

Frankfurt in stats and shades of humour.

2011-09-15T19:29:00.001+01:00

The Frankfurt motor show in rubbish statistics:

3 days gone
102 litres of petrol used getting there and back
5 countries traversed
9 empty plastic bottles found in the back of the car
1,119 pictures taken
1 Bratwurst
12 cups of coffee
0 blisters
0 words written - must get that sorted quickly

I was just reading Ben Barry's liveblog for CAR magazine (not as good as mine, obvs) to find out what happened, because I genuinely can't remember half the show despite having walked round it at least twice. It's the sort of sensory overload the CIA employ to such devastating effect when making new friends.

Anyway - at 12.28pm he mentions the Jaguar C-X16 concept car which he seems to think is great (I think it's a bit boring and derivative myself, but don't tell anyone), but he does mention a little tip from Jaguar which is that the Growler (pun probably intended) badge on the front of the car is wearing glasses. I wasn't sure about this little titbit but...

It's true.

I have raked through my impressive back catalogue of 1,200 pictures from Frankfurt and only spotted the glasses thanks to that blog entry. Maybe the concept isn't so bad after all...

Frankfurt motor show - the (semi-a) live blog.

2011-09-12T06:44:00.001+01:00

[my Frankfurt motor show 2011 as it happened...]

Monday 12 September 2011

6.44am - I am finally packed and ready to go. I'll be taking the Audi A1 longtermer from the office and driving it all the way to Germany for this evening, via Dover, France, Belgium and the tiniest sliver of the Netherlands. I am already knackered - the wind was awfully loud last night and kept me awake. Fingers crossed, the ferries are still running.

8.52am - I have arrived at the ferry terminal. I love getting the ferry, although it's been about 10 years since I crossed the Channel the old-fashioned way. It's a touch sodding windy, so I suspect you'll be able to dip a finger in the water from the top deck. Should be about five hours to Frankfurt once I get to the other side, although I suspect I'm going to end up stopping at every novel fast food place I see along the way...

9.58am - Bored. Still sat waiting to get on the 10am ferry. I wonder if it will leave on time.

10.03am - Still here.

10.17am - Yeah, still here.

10.22am - It's a good job I don't have anywhere to be.

10.29am - Phew.

11.07am - My new-found (no really) optimism was misplaced, but we are finally on the move over an hour late. The water looks hideous - I'd buckle up if I could. Otherwise it's time to settle down with a coffee and a book.

2.58pm - Sheesh, it's 3 o'clock already. The boat took more than two-and-a-half hours because of the massive swells, but I'm finally motoring on. The A1 clearly enjoys driving on the right, it has averaged 57mpg so far through France and Belgium.

7.16pm - Those lost two hours have really set my day back. I've already missed the Honda Civic reveal in Frankfurt and I'm only in Aachen. I started out trying to be economical and get to Frankfurt on one tank but I've already lost the will to live and I'm getting slightly crazed. POOOWER!

10.21pm - Bleurgle. I am finally in my hotel about four hours after I expected to be. Phew. Only the 14 hours on the road. It was lifted at the end by the magnificent yet terrifying stretches of open autobahn. I got the A1 up to an indicated 123mph several times before the wind got the better of it. Seems that's its terminal velocity.

It was happy cruising along at about a hundred, but above that everything starts to get a bit too light and drifty. Ruinous on the fuel too, but I think it was probably worth it just this once... Anyway - time for bed, it's going to be an early start.

Tuesday 13 September 2011

7.04am - Thought I'd live life on the edge and set my alarm as late as possible. I've got half an hour to get ready and leave for the show venue...

9.18am - I have arrived at the show. It's massive. Bigger than Liechtenstein. Just walking to the Seat stand to meet the boss got me sweating like a beast. A coffee and a glass of water have got me raring to go, but this place is going to break me.

12.50pm - Sat on the Citroen stand. Having a coffee. You really have to pace yourself at these things.

1.54pm - I've spent a considerable amount of time today (between coffees) just trying to work out where I am. I bet they don't have this problem in Liechtenstein.

3.36pm - I have stopped for a little sit down by the BMW stand - I say stand, it's so big it has its own weather system - I thought I was feeling light-headed because of all the walking, but I think it's more to do with the fumes belching out of the M5 doing laps around the ceiling.

6.32pm - Sheesh, what a day. Just on the shuttle bus back to the car park. I can feel my feet, which is either good or means I haven't been working hard enough. There's been such sensory overload that I can barely remember anything in the show, but I'm going hypnotherapy and a few notes should start to bring it all back.

7.41pm - Well that was horrible. I was heading over to a Hyundai thing in Frankfurt centre - left the Audi at the convention centre car park and got the tram through to the main railway station. I was only two streets along from the station when things started to get weird: sex clubs, a gang of Turkish guys fighting, prostitutes touting for business, a woman crouched on the pavement lighting up a crack pipe. The usual.

I've never felt so suddenly unsafe and obviously out of place, I was compelled to turn around and head for the tram stop again. I've always been perfectly at ease in Germany and have travelled a lot here, but not even in London have I felt so intimidated and threatened. I know I'm a bit of a wimp but gosh is Frankfurt a dump.

Wednesday 14 September 2011

6.56am - Another day, another go round the Frankfurt motorshow. This time I've got to hobble round taking the pictures I missed yesterday and maybe actually sitting in some cars if I get time. Getting in should be quicker this morning - hopefully I won't get lost on the motorway again.

8.22am - I got lost on the motorway again. The important thing is, I'm here. German signposting is frankly shocking, I can't figure out how they get anywhere. I can't figure out how I get anywhere - I genuinely couldn't tell you how I ended up at Frankfurt Airport this morning.

2.19pm - Gosh, I'm properly exhausted now. I've left the main venue to fetch the car and start the epic drive back to the UK. I'll blog about this later probably, but the show was strangely muted for me. I find it hard to pick out any highlights for two reasons: firstly anything good is always revealed before the event and secondly there wasn't really much unveiled that was exciting. Hmm.

11.12pm - I ran out of internet juice, so no updates for me this afternoon. Finally back in the UK after an exhausting trip - won't speak too soon though, still got a couple of hours left before I get home.

Thursday 15 September 2011

1.35am - Finally home. Must. Get. Sleep. Got to be in the office tomorrow morning.