In an increasingly distracted world, mental focus might be our most valued asset. And with many of us working from home, there is even less delineation between our work life and home life making it even harder to focus and concentrate on the task in front of us. We jump from one zoom call to the next, emails keep coming, and our homelife makes its way into our work day at random times. 

But while concentration and focus might be in short supply at times, there is a growing understanding in the scientific community that vision and breathing –both of which we can control voluntarily– directly affect the brain and our emotional states. That means we can consciously alter our vision or our breathing to bring about a state of alertness or a state of calm for instance, or even a state of focus. 

Most of us have heard about changing your breath to either increase your energy or to calm down, but you can also consciously alter your vision to tap into your ability to focus.

In effect, you can use your vision as a shortcut to boost your concentration and lean harder into productivity

Strategy #1: Intentionally narrow your vision to engage your mental focus

Your eyes are designed to determine your state of arousal.  In a high alert state, your pupils dilate and you start seeing one thing in sharp focus and everything else disappears. Mental focus follows visual focus. In other words, once you are focusing intensely on something visually, your mind follows and concentrates on that. The visual focus is what brings the brain into cognitive focus.

Armed with this information, you can bring on a state of alertness voluntarily. Consciously narrow your vision when you need to concentrate on something.  Put intense visual focus onto what you need to laser in on.  Go into “Portrait Mode” and let everything else fall into the background. By deliberately narrowing your vision, and blocking out all visual distraction, you’re sending a clear message to your brain about what matters and what needs its energy. 

Strategy #2: Take “focus breaks” to help you lean harder into your work. 

Interestingly, micro-recoveries in between highly focused work sessions can help us focus even better in the next work session. Think of it as a sort of mental HIIT. 

You want to deliberately decompress between sessions of intense work/focus. 

You can do that by periodically widening your vision like you do when viewing the horizon. Changing your gaze to this panoramic vision will relax your brain and turn off the alertness mode in your brain which will allow your mind to destress. In effect, when you widen and relax your gaze you’re hitting the “reset” button so you can handle the upcoming load.  

Learning how to de-focus and re-focus very rapidly is a hugely practical skill to reduce the strain of stress, so you can get back and lean harder into the work again. 

For instance, when you walk out of your meeting, don’t dive into your phone to check your emails or hop on social media. Staring at your phone narrows your vision and does nothing to help your brain recharge. Instead, give yourself a couple minutes before you re-engage into work. Go into panoramic vision: relax your gaze, relax/lower your alertness. Do the same when you get off a call or complete a highly focused work session. Intentionally relax your visual focus periodically to boost your mental focus on the things that matter.

Practice toggling between narrow intense focus, and lowered alertness whenever you can. By relaxing your autonomic nervous system, you will be able to lean into the stress better and be more productive in the session that follows that small break. 

Try these strategies and let me know how it goes for you!

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Everyone wants to be more “motivated”

But how do you create the motivation to take action towards achieving your goals, you ask? By leveraging people, places and things in your life!

Leveraging people, places and things can create tension and stress, which is motivation kicking in. It is the need to release or reduce the tension that fuels the motivation. Tune in and see one way to create “Ultimate Leverage” for yourself.

SHORTCUTS

[0:30] Brian Tracy and Zig Ziglar’s take on sharing your goals and why you might want to ignore their advice

[1:10] Tony Robbins’s 7 Steps of Change

[1:36] What I’m doing to create leverage for myself to achieve my goals

[3:50] Health goals update – rim to rim to rim Grand Canyon run

[5:53] How all my goals fit together and what you can do to build the energy you need to reach your own goals

[6:03] Where your focus goes, your energy flows –How I use repetition to my advantage when it comes to motivation

And as always, continue to run your race and reach out if you need any help and support!

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To be clear, no one needs a productivity app to be productive. When it comes to productivity, what’s more important than the apps you use are the habits and systems you put in place to show up consistently and do the work. But within that context certain apps can help you work smarter and improve your workflow. They can help you set up those habits and systems. And they can help support you as you implement them. 

These are a few apps I found helpful in addressing some of my productivity goals.

1- Drafts for grabbing ideas on the fly  

Drafts is an app that allows you to jot down information on the fly before you forget it and it does that with minimal fuss. Think of it as having a pad of paper with you at all times. When you launch the app –it works with your iPhone, Apple Watch or iPad– it opens to a new page in your “inbox” with the keyboard and microphone ready so you can dictate or type immediately. It lets you capture that information without you having to create a new note, document, or folder. Once you have captured whatever thought or information you needed, you can send it to a zillion different apps like Dropbox, Evernote, Reminder, or apps like Twitter, iMessage and Email. You can tag the info, flag it, or file it. The interface is ultra simple and streamlined. 

I used it primarily for temporary information like I would a Post-it Note (the Apple Watch app is fantastic for that purpose). It’s a great great spot for instance to capture anything from a name, a book or restaurant recommendation or a website. It’s also a great place to prep a message without the fear of it sending before you have worked out exactly what you wanted to say. But you could use it as a  blogging platform, journal, task manager, or something entirely different since each entry is tag-able and searchable. It’s extremely flexible.

Ultimately, Draft is a great way to capture information first, and figure out what you want to do with it later. 

2- Otter to transcribe your voice or someone else’s voice. 

Otter is a free transcription app that transcribes conversations, meetings, phone calls, podcasts and interviews in real time. It’s the best voice to text app I have found so far. You can record your own voice and it’s smart enough to recognize a different speaker making it particularly useful when trying to capture conversations during a meeting or phone call. And you can also use it to do a live transcription of any podcasts or youtube videos for instance which is where it shines for me.

It integrates with Zoom and generates searchable transcripts that are remarkably accurate.  It’s available on desktop, Android, and iOS devices, and there is a limited free plan for new users to try it out. 

What’s even better, it synchronizes the audio with the text during playback, so you can tap on any word to hear exactly what was being said at the time. And it even offers collaboration features to save time and boost productivity.

3- Focus Keeper (or Interval Timer) to keep you on task using the pomodoro method

For anyone who uses the Pomodoro method as a way to push past procrastination, this simple app is a gem! And for those who have not used that strategy yet, I encourage you to give it a shot –particularly for mundane administrative tasks you don’t necessarily feel like doing (i.e. billing in my case). The idea is to work on only one task for 25 minutes followed by a 5 minutes break. Putting a time limit on something will help you concentrate and force you to work quicker and this timer app makes it easy to dip your toe in.

It’s as simple as it gets and that’s precisely why I like it! It does only one thing and it does it well without flashy visuals. There is absolutely no friction. As soon as you launch it, you can get to work. It’s simple and effective. If you want to go in there and customize it a bit, you can, but it’s great right out of the box. 

If you prefer to work in longer time increments than the built-in 25 minute segments (research has shown that our brain naturally works best in uninterrupted 90 minutes intervals) and if your work gives you the flexibility to block out a longer period of time, you might want to upgrade to the paid version to you can customize the timer length, or I suggest using a timer like Interval Timer (iOS, Android). Technically, it’s designed to time your intervals when you do a Tabata or HIIT workout, but because you can customize the cycles at will, it’s perfect for mental work as well. It takes a bit of practice to do deep work for 90 minutes at a time, but your productivity can shoot through the roof by strengthening that mental muscle.

PS: If you’re looking for something that has more features, Focus To-Do might be a better fit for you. It isn’t a Pomodoro-exclusive app. Instead, it’s a full-fledged task manager –complete with folders, due dates, reminders, data charts and reports– that also incorporates a pomodoro functionality. It’s much more complex than Focus Keeper or Interval Timer but it offers you the ability to track your tasks.

4- Brain.fm to get in the zone and get work done

Brain.fm is a science-based app that gives you 2-hour long AI generated soundtracks designed to help you stay focused and be more productive. I have found it to be truly effective at keeping you on task (the results are evident within the first 10 to 15 minutes) and it’s particularly useful when you need to do deep or creative work like writing or programing for instance. 

In addition to helping you focus, you can use Brain.fm to help you sleep, relax or even meditate. The interface is pretty seamless and easy to use. First, you choose a mental state (focus, relax, sleep, or meditate) and then you choose the length of time you have and a sub-category (deep work, creative, study and read, or light work). Based on your selections, the app will create a soundtrack that you can customize further if you’d like based on your mood (you can pick electronic, grooves, cinematic, piano, and forest sounds for instance).

If you are one of those people who can focus while listening to regular music, this app might not be immensely useful, but if you find that music with lyrics, or even classical music, is either a distraction or doesn’t help you focus significantly better, Brain.fm is worth checking out. I have found it personally very useful. 

Brain.fm is available for Android, iOS and as a web application, with a free 3 day trial.

5- Freedom to block distracting websites and apps

Whether it’s because when you work from home, it’s easy to slip into bad habits or because you simply find yourself irresistibly attracted throughout the day to the myriad of websites and apps clamoring for your attention, sometimes you need external support to remove electronic distractions from your space so you can focus on your work. This is where Freedom comes in.

Freedom lets you choose specific websites, desktop apps and mobile apps you want to block or choose sites to whitelist and block all the rest. You can even block the internet itself if you need. 

It’s easy to set up and use and I love the fact that you can schedule your deep work sessions in advance or you can start a session anytime you sense it will be useful. Plus it sync blocks across all of your devices and it’s available across all platforms.

You’ll find a plethora of advice about productivity apps and, in a more general sense, what you need to do in order to be more productive. But in reality, your ability to work more efficiently depends on your personality, how you process information, as well as the specifics of your work and personal situation. There’s no one-size-fits-all approach and trial and error is the only way to find what’s best for you. I hope you’ll find value in a few of these apps. 

BONUS: … 2 nifty apps to manage your home life

1- AnyList to keep track of anything from your grocery list to your home projects 

Using a shared grocery list keeps everyone in our house on the same page. I like AnyList for its instantaneous cloud syncing, integration with Siri and Alexa, shareability and automatic sorting into categories. We’re finding it useful for any other types of lists and AnyList can also keep track of specific stores and even meal plans. It’s free, available for iOS and Android.

2- Libby to borrow ebooks or audiobooks from your library for free and Audible – For listening to books

I love books, but the fact is that I end up reading a lot more books by listening to them while I run. Audible is my go-to service to get my audiobooks, but the free option offered by your library is an unbeatable deal. The Libby app is a breeze to set up and use for exactly that purpose. Definitely one to check out!

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You attended Tony Robbins’ famous Unleash the Power Within Event. You’re on fire …Now what?

Without a doubt, Unleash the Power Within is a phenomenal experience. It can be a powerful catalyst for change. It gives you a glimpse into what can be if you make it happen. It’s energizing. It’s motivating. For some, it’s life changing and for some it’s just plain fun. But whatever feelings, goals, or shift Unleash the Power Within elicited, the value of the experience doesn’t have to stop after the event. You can harness that energy, that new mindset or those new goals and carry that forward.

You will surely be encouraged (many times I’m guessing) to enroll into Tony Robbins’ Coaching program and for good reasons. Personal coaching can not only help you get clear on where you want to go or what’s preventing you from getting there, but a personal coach can also zero in with you on the specific strategies to get there and provide you the accountability you need to stay motivated to implement those systems and habits. Personal coaching a powerful tool to support you on your journey. That’s precisely where I started my own career as an executive coach and I have nothing but great things to say about it. But if you choose to pass on that offer, there are other steps you can take to build on your experience and use it as a springboard to creating the life you want.

1. Anchor the experience

The first step to creating any change is awareness. One of the primary ways you experience this at a UPW event is to write things down. Continue to use a daily journal, morning pages or other means to gain awareness of the thoughts in your mind, using the power of questions.

• Journal some power questions: for example in the morning to get ready for the day, “What are my outcomes for the day? What is preventing me from achieving them? How can I overcome these obstacles? What will my life be like when I achieve them?”
• When you feel lost or uncertain: “What is the purpose of my life? What gives my life meaning? How can I connect to that purpose today?”
• If you have negative emotions, “What am I feeling now? What is that feeling trying to tell me? What is there to learn from these negative emotions so I can let them go?”

2. Continue to manage your physiological state. 

Reprogramming your body to “feel” different feelings of empowerment, excitement, joy, fun, creativity is important! To do so, engage daily in the things you did at Unleash the Power Within.

• Do your power move everyday, multiple times if necessary.
• Be aware of your body posture, move more (get a standing desk), mirror on the wall to “check your state”.
• Work on better health and nutrition, it is hard to have energy if you keep eating unhealthy foods that bring your state down. Small changes are the best.
• Keep listening to “power music” you listened to at the event. Nothing brings back power like, singing “Life will never be the same again” .

3. Nurture your new mindset by tapping into a positive community 

Keep positive connections with people you can relate to and create that new “power community” with people who speak the same positive language! 

• Join an online Tony Robbins Facebook or Linkedin group.
• Find a current or former Tony Robbins Personal Results Coach to stay invested in your future goals and life.
• If you aren’t a joiner, create your own group and lead it, no better way to stay engaged then to teach the materials. (only do this with people who are open to it, don’t push it onto people who aren’t open to it)

4. Build on the momentum you have

Be a lifelong learner, never underestimate the power of immersion!

• Nothing helps information stick in your conscious and unconscious mind then repetition, Review your UPW notes daily, weekly, monthly until you can memorize them by heart. This will continue to anchor in the new thoughts, ideas and concepts.
• Invest the time to continue to learn from Tony Robbins’ materials. Buy Tony’s books, borrow them from the library, use audible, anything to continue to master the psychology of success and learn. Tony has to many materials, books, CDs, videos, immerse yourself in his work.
• Invest in other Self Help Masters like Zig Ziglar, Earl Nightingale, Jim Rohn, John Maxwell, etc. They carry the same messages with different approaches to continue anchoring in the concepts.
• If you want to go deeper into the science of “how” Tony teaches from stage, look into studying or certifications in the science of Neuro Linguistic Programming (NLP) developed by Richard Bandler. 
• If you really want to take you life to the next level, find a coach who has been with Tony AND has at least the Master Practitioner Certification in NLP.

5. Take Action!

Don’t just have a goal. Don’t just have a plan. EXECUTE your plan. Everyone has great ideas. What separates those who are successful from those who aren’t, is just a matter of execution. Taking action is a MUST in order to achieve ANYTHING in life.

• So take massive actions, yes, but also take small actions. Take any action that you can to move towards your goal everyday.
• All of it matters. The idea of taking massive action always gets the glory, but it’s actually the small wins that create momentum and build on one another. Focus on getting points on the board. Even if they’re small points. Be relentless in your forward movement.
• If you hit a wall or the actions you are taking are not moving you toward your goals, consider finding a great coach to help you overcome the negative emotions preventing your success. Whether you go with Tony Robbins’ Coaching team or an independent personal coach, the right person can help you push past the resistance or obstacles in your way.

People go to Tony Robbins’ Unleash the Power Within seminar for many different reasons, but ultimately it always boils down to wanting to make some sort of change in their lives. Once there, there is an undeniable energy that fuels your motivation to take action to upgrade your life in small and big ways. You feel empowered and unstoppable. But once you are out of that environment, it can be hard to sustain the motivation you felt during UPW and it’s easy to slip back into your old habits. “Hard” doesn’t mean impossible. And “easy” doesn’t mean inevitable. Taking a few steps can help you build on the experience and make it count.

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Wim Hof (the Iceman) hosted his first ever Live Retreat Weekend on Feb 13-14 2021. Overall, it was an amazing couple of days! Here is my short review recorded Sunday night right after the event. I have committed to 30-days of breathing and cold showers and will have a follow up video with my results!

If you prefer to read rather than watch the video of my Wim Hof review, I have included a transcript below. Enjoy!

Wim Hof Review Video Transcript:

Hey everybody, James Murphy from Evolution For Success, and I’m so excited to bring you this impromptu Sunday night video. I just completed the first ever Wim Hof Live weekend, it was a Saturday and Sunday –six hours both days– and it was absolutely wonderful! I just had to make this video because I’m like I’m feeling so great after two cold showers. I wanted to just give you a couple of a couple cliff notes of the seminar, and how great it was. 

[0:30] First of all, some of the pros: It was really easy. It was only $60 for the two days. The Zoom meeting went off perfect. I t was easy to log on and off. They did a great job bringing some simple structure to it. They had the itineraries mapped out  both days which was really nice. And they did have a couple of little audio snafus here and there with the microphone and some music at one point at the end of the meditation on day one. But what I learned from that was absolutely fantastic! How Wim Hof reacted to that… talk about great!  It was just a great learning moment. He was absolutely perfect for what needed to be for that event in terms of actually illustrating how to deal with stress. 

[1:10] So, for those of you who don’t know, real quick, Wim Hof is famous for his ice immersion and breathing. He’s called The Iceman because he does immersion cold therapy or cold immersion. And, but what’s really interesting about it is about the man himself. He opened up on day one about some of his life struggles which I had no clue about, but it’s really really interesting. And what I love about him is number one that he’s absolutely a man on his purpose. He’s here to change the world by basically helping people from the inside out shift and change their physiology, improve their immune systems, and really become back in tune with themselves and who they are and what they are. Because then you can find your purpose. So in terms of a man who’s purpose driven, oh, he steals the show!  He has my heart, absolutely 100% in terms of purpose. 

[2:00] The second thing is, you know, we talked about values that drive our behaviors, his values are really really simple. It’s just happiness, strength, and health. That’s it. He just wants people to have more strength, be stronger with better health, and be happy. That’s it. It’s really simple. So his values are very clear. Where he’s coming from is very clear. He’s very genuine and he holds no punches. 

[2:29] And he really holds an interesting juxtaposition between science –because everybody has been studying him, science wise so he’s very very clear on the scientific aspects of his work and what it does, but at the same time he’s like, “look past science to just experience it”. He keeps saying “feeling is understanding”. And he said, the breathing and the ice immersion/cold baths are really meant to do two things. One is, of course, the benefits for the immune system. But, but really it’s about deepening the awareness of who you are inside. Aligning and integrating your whole brain. He’s always like going ”We need to bring your brain and your heart back into center.” But it’s not fluffy; that’s the weirdest thing. Some people say that’s definitely soft or fluffy, but he’s actually saying “Hey there’s science behind this, it works on so many different levels.”  

[3:30] So whether it’s the breathing, or whether it’s the cold shower aspect of it, basically he wants to have you build awareness of your body, and reset your immune system by resetting the autonomic nervous system. Now the autonomic nervous system is what guides all of the unconscious systems in the body (i.e. processing our food, growing our fingernails, thinking, breathing… all those things). Now, under the autonomic nervous system, there’s the parasympathetic and sympathetic nervous system, and I need to look at my notes on this one, to make sure I get right… the sympathetic nervous system is our fight or flight. It’s active. The parasympathetic system is the breathing and the relaxation piece.  

[4:28] So is all the breathing tools, the ice work, and the cold shower stuff, what that does is just helps balance those two systems. 30 to 40 breaths of the breathing, fully in and then out the 30 to 40 breaths of that actually engages that sympathetic nervous system to make you act. But then when you hold your breath at the end that engages the parasympathetic nervous system to bring you into balance. And when those two things are in balance, that’s what everybody wants. In that meditation, I had some really wonderful deep intense meditations. It was absolutely crazy. So, there’s some real aspects to opening up the brain in the mind by doing this. 

[5:15] They went over five simple reasons for doing the Wim Hof Method. Let’s talk about this real quick. One is that it strengthens your immune system. I just said that. Number two is it lowers inflammation in the body and he believes that inflammation is the core of most disease in the body. Number three is that it helps with pain reduction. Number four, is that it helps train the cardiovascular system for greater balance.  And as I said it balances the autonomic nervous system. 

[5:44] What else is really great about this is he kept saying “Feeling is understanding”, and “Let’s go past the science to the experience of it.” That’s the other thing I absolutely love. It doesn’t matter whether you’ve never done it before or if you’ve done it before… any of the breathing, he’s just like: “Just experienced it”. There had some people who were saying “Hey I don’t want to do the showers.” His response is “fine, don’t do the showers, just do the breathing. You don’t need the showers.” 

[6:07] Even with the cold showers or cold immersion or cold bath, he said “two minutes is all you need for the health benefits. Anything after two minutes is just mental and emotional training.” So he’s like: let’s move past the complex back to the simple. And that’s what I love. It’s just like in Kung Fu, or Tai Chi, or any of those martial arts, the body moves in so many ways  and it bends or in so many ways or it breaks. So he really keeps it simple, but it’s powerful, it’s effective and I feel like a million bucks. 

[6:40] So ultimate leverage coming out right now, and then I’m going to wrap this up real quick. I’m going to commit to doing this for the next 30 days, and by the way if you want more information around this, we just released a little bit ago, on our website EvolutionForSuccess.com, an actual full Wim Hof article with links and everything included He does have a Wim Hof Method mobile app as well. I’m going to download that tonight. It’s free initially. After that it asks you to pay for a membership, and so I’m going to go in and I’m going to buy that and for the next 30 days, I’m going to do the Wim Hof method every single day. Might not do a cold shower or an ice bath necessarily, but he said you can just walk outside on the deck and just stand in the corner.  You can do whatever you want to do, but I’m going to do the breathing, and something cold for the next 30 days. And I’m going to give you an update and see how it goes. 

[7:30] They’re even giving us access to the webinar after they edit it so we can view it for another 30 days afterwards so I think they really over delivered on the price. I would absolutely do it again. And I’ll be blasting out to the network next time it’s out there.  

[7:45] I get nothing from it, except the, knowing that I helped you maybe change your life so there’s plenty of other reviews online too but I’m giving you this one. So take care and continue to run your race, and we’ll talk to you soon. Have a great day!

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Need a little caffeine-free boost in the morning? Using the Wim Hof breathing technique is supposed to quickly increase your energy, elevate your mood, and help you be ready for whatever life throws at you. 

Your mood affects your physiology —how you sit, how you breathe, how you hold your shoulders…– but it’s a two way street. Your physiology *also* affects how you feel. Just like a walk or a good workout can radically alter your mood, changing your breath pattern, even for a few minutes, alters your body chemistry and your emotional state. 

When it comes to feeling alive and energized, a lot has been said and written lately about the Wim Hof method. And for good reasons. While breathing techniques are ancient, the scientific study of breath is still in its infancy, and Hof has been very willing to have science take a closer look at his method. He contends that by committing to a consistent practice of a combination of meditation, Wim Hof Breathing, and cold exposure, you can change your mind and body —particularly your energy level, stress response and immune system response. 

The breathing portion of his method goes something like this: While sitting comfortably or laying down, take 30 to 40 quick, deep breaths, inhaling through your nose and exhaling through your mouth. Then, breathe in deep, breathe out and hold until you need to breathe (30 seconds or more). Inhale again, as deep as you can, and hold it for 10 to 15 seconds. Repeat the sequence 3 times. 

A 2014 dutch study lends scientific credibility to Hof’s claims and adds credence to the idea that conscious breathing can allow us to influence deeper processes in our bodies, and more recent studies seem to have confirmed that you can control your autonomic nervous system, alleviate arthritis, and even cause a shift in your metabolism which strengthens the immune system. Anecdotally, many people have found clear health benefits from adopting a regular practice of his method. 

Ultimately, you will have to decide for yourself if this breathing practice (or the whole method) is effective in your own life, but the initial science is compelling so far. I have started incorporating this type of hyper-oxygenated breathing as part of my morning routine and I have found it tremendously effective at quickly increasing both my physical energy and my mental alertness. The adrenaline boost you get from this type of breathing, is paradoxically accompanied by a great sense of calm. That makes it a great precursor to meditation and it’s a fantastic way to set myself up for a productive day. 

Since it’s best done on an empty stomach, after getting a few minutes of sunlight, hydrating, and reading for a few minutes, I move on to the Wim Hof breathing. I follow that up with a quick meditation to set my intentions for the day and clear any head trash and negative emotions likely to hold me back, and I’m ready to take on the day. 

If you decide to try it, I suggest checking out this beginner’s tutorial from Wim Hof himself first. If you find it effective at boosting your energy, the app is a good option. 

One word of caution worth mentioning: some breathwork experts like Patrick McKeown, author of The Oxygen Advantage, warn that this type of Hyper oxygenated breathing is not for everybody. Because you are off-loading a tremendous amount of CO2 over those few minutes, your urge to breathe will be greatly diminished during the long hold, and you should never do it near any bodies of water for instance. Use caution and common sense.

Whether you choose to try out Wim Hof Breathing or not, breathing exercises in general can help you quickly shift your state by shifting your physiology. Some practices will help increase your state of arousal a bit by upping your adrenaline. Others will help lower anxiety and stress levels by downshifting your heart rate. You can play with those exercises and use them as quick tools to change your emotional state. Like any tool, you should incorporate it for at least a few weeks to experience the benefits instead of trying it just once.

Mood follows action. 

You have control over these physiological levers in your daily life. Don’t be shy. Try them!

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Looking for ways to stay focused and boost your productivity? Sometimes, no matter how much you know you need to, it feels nearly impossible to make yourself sit down and get work done. And working from home —whether it’s by design or as a consequence of the coronavirus pandemic— is definitely not helping. 

But there are focus strategies and productivity hacks that can help you fight procrastination and overwhelm.

Whether it’s because you actually hate doing whatever it is you need to do or because the magnitude of the task makes it feel overwhelming, the Pomodoro Technique is a great strategy to get past that internal resistance to get things done.

For those of you who haven’t tried it, the Pomodoro Technique was developed by Francesco Cirillo in the late 1980s using a tomato-shaped kitchen timer (called a pomodoro) that Cirillo used himself when he was a student.

The idea is simple and remarkably effective: you commit to working and hyperfocusing on one single task for short bursts of time —usually, 25 minute increments. This chunks down the work in manageable time segments, so you subconsciously put up less resistance. But it goes beyond that. Because you solely focus on one task and eliminate all distractions during that time segment (eg, no checking your phone, social media feeds, email), you end up being more productive. 

The Pomodoro Method at a glance

1. First, choose one task and one task ONLY. 
   • Put your phone on airplane mode, close the office door, turn off all notifications on your computer and shut out both the physical and digital world. Software like Omwriter can help.
2. Now, set a timer for 25 minutes. 
   • you can use an app like Focus Keeper and Focus Booster, or a web application like https://tomato-timer.com/ 
3. Expect resistance for the first few minutes as the brain works to engage, get focused and push past it. After the initial discomfort, you will get into the flow of it. Then, just keep working on the task until the timer rings.
4. When the timer goes off, take a 5-minute break
   • Get up, relax your gaze (scientists have found, relaxing your eyes by looking at the horizon will help you focus deeper during the next segment), go make yourself a cup of coffee.
5. When your break is done, repeat 1 through 4 three more times, followed by a 15-minute break. 

With the Pomodoro Technique, the emphasis is on boosting your productivity.

25 minutes doesn‘t sound a lot, but that’s 25 minutes of completely uninterrupted work. By working in small chunks, you optimize your brainpower, and by taking breaks you stop before that brainpower gets drained. The idea of chunking down tasks is not revolutionary, but the simplicity of the method is what makes it work. It can be as low tech as you need it to be. And the idea of mono-tasking vs multitasking is rooted in science. We lose “transition time” and brain power every time we switch tasks. In fact, in a study from the University of California Irvine, researchers found that once interrupted “it takes an average of 23 minutes and 15 seconds to get back to the task.“  That efficiency loss adds up over time and impacts our overall output every day. 

But of course, different approaches work better for different types of tasks. In the end, the goal of using a productivity technique isn’t to follow its rules to the letter. Much like you would a recipe, take the method and put your own spin on it.

The key to using the pomodoro technique is adapting it to your own needs and work environment.

For instance, if you need to work on things you hate or you need to do shallow tasks like admin work, using the Pomodoro Technique as is, works very well. But if you need to get some creative work done or you are working on a task that inspires you, 25 minute segments might be much too short and could actually work against you. The mere ringing of the timer when you are in the flow could be enough of an interruption to throw you off your game. In that case, either lengthen the time segments, or do away with the time portion altogether and only keep the unitasking and distraction-free aspect of the Pomodoro Technique. 

Similarly, flexibility is critical when it comes to when and where to use this productivity boosting strategy. This is the perfect tool to fight procrastination or maximize small blocks of time that normally go to waste like the time before a meeting or at the end of the day. But obviously, if you go from client to client as I often do, it makes no sense to rigidly try to stick to the plan. Don’t let the rules get in the way of the outcome. The goal is to be more focused and more productive. Experiment with the method until you laser in on when it makes sense to use this method.

Personally, as I work on creating my new online course, I have found that implementing the Pomodoro Technique has been one of the greatest hacks to increase my writing efficiency and boost my productivity.

Let me know how it goes for you!

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Before you even take a stab at your new year’s resolutions, make sure you have the right mindset.

I read somewhere that 93% of success comes down to your attitude rather than your natural ability. As we start a new year, there are 4 strategies that stand out in terms of starting off the year in the right foot.

1 – Recognize that you have control over your thoughts

It all starts with your mind and the quality of your thoughts. Thoughts pop up in your mind unprompted but thoughts can also be introduced into your mind. Work it from both angles. Be mindful and aware of the thoughts you have, and challenge the ones that are not helpful at moving you closer to your goals. Even if they’re accurate (ie: my boss is a jerk or I’m unhappy with my health), if they’re not helpful, don’t give those thoughts any energy.

Instead, introduce thoughts that are helpful in getting you where you want to go (ie: I can try to do x, y and z to build up my competency and move to a different position ot advance my career. Or I can get rid of the processed foods in the house.)

2 – Make an deliberate effort to notice what you do have

At the end of the day instead of focusing on not having enough time to accomplish everything you wanted to accomplish for instance, take a few minutes to focus on what you did accomplish. Consciously cultivate this glass half full attitude. You want to train your brain to see, not only what is good around you, but also what you are doing right.

3 – Make changes to thrive

Choose to invest in yourself –in your current self of course, but even more importantly in your future self. Make choices and take actions that will benefit your future self. A state of success doesn’t just happens to people. It takes choices, consistent actions and certain sacrifices often in the short term for a potential gain in the long term. Often, forgoing instant gratification will be necessary, but in doing so, you will be creating new habits and behaviors that will create positive results long term.

Don’t just make a plan; write down your goals and keep them in the forefront of your mind. Making a plan is necessary, but it’s only the starting point. It’s crucial but it’s utterly useless if you don’t execute that plan. So decide what you want and spend a small amount of time coming up with a few strategies as to HOW you’ll make it happen, but most importantly, choose to act on that plan.

Keep the planning short, and spend the majority of your time/energy taking actions that will move you forward towards your goal. Focus your energy on the journey. If those actions don’t get you closer to your goals, then you can go back to the strategy portion of the process and adjust or switch strategies. But don’t spend too much time in the planning process; it only delays you moving forward. Most people spend the majority of their time focusing on finding the right strategies. That’s a mistake. Often that’s a complete waste of time. Once you are clear on what you want, taking consistent action towards that goal is where you want to spend most of your focus and energy.

4- Learn to embrace change

Fear always present when we go to do something different and sometimes taking a pause in the midst of change is normal but you have to push through. Don’t let fear stop you in your tracks and prevent you from taking action or from investing in yourself. Don’t let the temporary discomfort that comes with change lead you to put on the breaks. When you’re face with that discomfort, lean hard into taking action, any action no matter how small or seemingly insignificant and stay away from overthinking.

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Need to calm down quickly?

You can use your breath to interrupt the buildup of physical stress and tension in a few seconds

Forget the well intentioned advice to take a deep breath when you feel yourself getting upset. You need to do the opposite. You should take a deep exhale. More specifically, you should sigh deeply two or three times. 

As it turns out, a sigh is a fundamental life-sustaining reflex that acts as a way to inflate the tiny sacs in your lungs (the alveoli) where oxygen and carbon dioxide pass in and out of the blood, according to Jack Feldman, a neurobiologist at UCLA explains. It keeps our lungs working properly, and that’s why on average, our brain triggers a sigh about a dozen times per hour in humans. Periodic sighs bring in twice the volume of a normal breath and they serve as a “reset button” for your respiratory system. 

More than a regular sigh

Normal sighs happen unconsciously, but as it turns out, we also have another type of sigh that is hardwired into our system which can be used intentionally as an “off switch” to stress when you feel yourself getting frustrated and agitated. 

That sigh breath, which Dr. Huberman, a neuroscientist and professor at the Department of Neurobiology at the Stanford University School of Medicine calls a physiological sigh, is a bit different and is triggered automatically in people experiencing claustrophobia to induce calm, but they also happen during sleep or periodically during the day. 

But since we have voluntary control over our breath, it’s a breathing pattern that you can use as an instant tranquiliser anytime you need to calm down quickly. It’s a tool you have with you at all times and it takes less than a minute to do! 

The key this tool comes down to taking 2 quick inhales through your nose, followed by a slow exhale through the mouth. It is thought to promote the right balance between oxygen and carbon dioxide in your lungs and bloodstream and activate the parasympathetic system, which will interrupt the upward spiral of stress and promote a sense of calm. 

How to use a physiological sigh to calm down quickly

1. Inhale through your nose
2. Top that first inhale with another quick inhale
3. Exhale through your mouth slowly
4. Repeat 3 times, and a minute or so later, you’ll feel calmer!

That’s it! It’s that simple.

If you want to see a demonstration from Andrew Huberman himself, check out his Instagram post below.

https://www.instagram.com/tv/CBjgVhXHdwF/

For a shorter version, you can take a look here: 

https://www.instagram.com/p/B-iajrGH-EO/

And if you find yourself in a constant state of stress, you might want to take a more comprehensive approach to your emotional state which I discussed in this article about fighting off stress and anxiety or sign up now for a complimentary “Success Now” session.

Photo by 傅甬 华 on Unsplash

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Or… “how to not go off on the people you love and stay calm when you are in quarantine together”

Between the stress, anxiety and uncertainty the coronavirus (Covid-19) has brought to everyone’s life and the added strain of working from home, self-isolating or self-distancing, it can be a struggle to stay patient and calm with our loved ones at home. It’s easy to slide into a permanent state of irritation and moodiness, particularly when the days stretch on and on. Even with the best of intentions, quarantine doesn’t always bring out the best in us. Nerves can get frazzled and tempers can grow shorter, no matter what our normal temperament’s baseline is.

But even in a crisis, we have control over some things. Namely, we can control our emotional state and we can work to show up as the best “self”, “parent” or “spouse” we can. Here are my top 5 tips to show up as the “best you.”

First, the obvious: Make sure you feel good physically. 

Some basic self-care will go a long way to control your emotional state. Make sure you get an adequate amount of sleep (that’s not optional – there is no substitute for sleep), fuel your body a wide variety of nutrients-rich foods (code word for increase your intake of fruits and vegetables both in number and amount to ensure you get both the macros and micronutrients your body needs to feel its best) and get a minimum amount of exercise to keep your immune system humming normally (try to do an hour per day of moderate intensity exercise –it will boost your mood and your immune system).

Beyond the basics, here are some tips to help you keep your patience and wrangle in your temper in the days ahead.

 1- Stand at the gates of your mind

Know yourself and use the strategies that works for you.  For some people, reading about the coronavirus and Covid-19 brings them a sense of knowledge they find reassuring or comforting. Knowing is better than not knowing. But for others, consuming this information only adds to their anxiety and overwhelm. Be honest with yourself and determine how much information you need. One strategy is to limit yourself to this type of news to once a day in the morning for instance. 

Another very powerful strategy is to be very selective as to where you get your information from. Social media and traditional news channels are not always the most credible source. Get your information from the most direct, neutral sources you can. The World Health Organization, the CDC or Johns Hopkins can provide you the facts you need without editorializing or promoting a political agenda.

Ultimately, for most of us, no matter how much we might crave information, “standing at the gates of our mind” means periodically taking a break from the barrage of news so we can detach and recharge.

 2- Don’t reinvent the wheel

Although this crisis is unprecedented, this is not the first time you have experienced stress. Trying out new coping strategies in the midst of turmoil can be daunting, so double down on the strategies that have worked for you in the past. 

If you know going on a run or working out has a calming effect on you (and it’s feasible), fit in a few extra sessions throughout your week to burn off some of that excess nervous energy. If meditating has been effective in the past, be more diligent at fitting meditation and mindfulness sessions into your daily routine. Keep your CEO Morning Routine to stay focused on your business and finding opportunities.

For some, getting up before everyone else in the house and doing something for yourself to stay centered is a very effective strategy. Whether it’s making yourself a cup of coffee and getting a little bit of alone time to center yourself, getting some fresh air and sunlight before the busyness of the day starts, or spending that time journalling or writing down what your goals are for the day, taking a little time for yourself first thing in the morning can make a big difference in how you approach the rest of your day. 

 3- Use a pattern interrupt to stop yourself from losing it in the heat of the moment. 

When you feel the growing irritation and you feel yourself getting angry, use a pattern interrupt to delay your response to the person you want to address.

One of the most effective way to do that is to do a self check of your emotions. Are you actually angry about the situation? Is something your spouse or children doing truly driving you crazy because it’s going against one of your internal rules? Or are you displacing tension you feel about something else and placing it on this situation. Taking a minute to stop and do this self-checkin of your emotions, forces you to step back from your immediate response and analyze what is really going on. It might be that you are ytuly annoyed about what is going on, or you may find that frustration has been building up inside of you all day and it’s not at all about your loved ones’ behavior. Regardless, taking stock of where you are in your head, gives you a chance to delay your response so that when you do respond it is more intentional and less reactionary.

At times, interrupting the pattern might mean stopping yourself short by focusing on gratitude or using humor to relieve the tension.  It might not be your instinctive response, but just like a muscle, it’s a skill that can be learned and practiced until it can become your default response which will buy you time until you can think it through.

For instance, before you go off on your 10 year old for barging into your conference call, take a deep breath (from your belly) — and a few seconds– to direct your mind to notice what is good around you. Mentally list what you are grateful for in that moment. What is good about this? What is funny about this? Relax your face, breathe and reframe your thinking. 

If you can feel the anger, frustration or irritation still lying underneath the surface, start a conversation with someone about an unrelated topic, or make a phone call to someone who matters to you. By forcing your mind to change gears and your body to adopt a softer demeanor, you will give yourself a fighting chance to regain control and perspective about the situation. 

Delay your reaction and response to frustration. What’s good for the goose is good for the gander. Instead of giving your kids a Time Out, give yourself a Time Out to regain control when your patience runs thin. 

4- Take action

Part of the growing restlessness and irritability that comes with being under stress for prolonged periods of time is that our bodies are designed to respond to stress by producing chemicals to reduce pain and prompt action. It makes sense from an evolutionary background, faced with a bear, the rush of adrenaline to escape immediate danger is a good thing. But that same physical response doesn’t serve us very well when we are under chronic stress and perpetually stuck in close quarters with our loved ones. 

Instead of fighting the biological urge to do something and respond, go with it and take action. In the moment that might mean finding the most immediate solution and removing the current stressor like closing (and locking) the door so you can focus on your call and delay addressing your child. Or it can mean harnessing your emotions and frustration, and focusing them on something you have control over like making an action plan for your business, or starting on a home project. 

 5- Cultivate an attitude of compassion and gratitude 

If you do lose your cool, remember that compassion towards yourself is just as important as showing compassions to those around you. Recognize you let your emotions get the best of you, take responsibility for your words and actions, own the shame and guilt that comes with disappointing yourself and hurting the people you love, recommit to showing up better, and give yourself some grace. 

These are trying times and often it’s the little things that set us off. It’s the child who leaves the lights on, it’s the spouse that takes the last drop of coffee or the dog that barks during a conference call. Allow for some irritability and emotionalism both in yourself and those who share space with you. Recognize that everyone under your roof is adjusting to a new situation and it’s natural for your 5 year old to want you to play with him in the middle of the day for instance. Afterall, until recently, your being home meant you were “off” and available to read a book or play. Practicing compassion and empathy each day can help you keep in mind that your loved ones are doing what they’re doing because they are trying to meet their needs, and not intentionally trying to irritate you or stop you from doing what needs to be done. 

It’s easier to let things go with a few simple words, “please forgive me, I didn’t mean to…” accompanied by a short phrase of why you were stressed. Kids forgive and forget so easily, take it easy on yourself too.

Over the longer term, focusing on something other than your own life, whether it be volunteering or helping neighbors for instance, can also help you harness that excess tension and use it to make a difference for your community. 

Helping others can give you an outlet and be an effective antidote to the feelings of powerlessness or frustration you might experience in the face of this pandemic. It can provide you with a sense of higher purpose from which you can draw strength and perspective when the crisis drags on. And it can be a powerful  “compared to what” that keeps you centered on what matters. 

When anger and frustration strike, remember the effective strategies and coping tools you have used in the past. Bring them to life again, adjust where you need and add any new ones to fill in the gaps. 

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Coronavirus pandemic aside, working from home definitely has its advantages: no commute time, less distractions from the people “stopping by to chat” and a flexible dress code. But, the lack of dedicated office space, direct accountability and rhythm also means a total lack of structure and distractions everywhere you look. It’s easy to lose your focus before the day even starts.

How do you maintain, or even increase, your level of productivity and efficiency while working at home during the Covid-19 outbreak? Here are 6 tried and true strategies to help you get going, stay on task and telecommute like a pro.

1.   set up a designated “work” area and optimize your space.

Creating a defined workspace is essential to help you stay focused during the workday. Soon you may go back to your office, but for now, you need to establish a base camp to operate from. Don’t make that your bedroom or your kitchen.

→   Pick your new office wisely. If you have a home office, recreate your workspace to resemble work. If you don’t have one, set up shop in a space preferably away from high traffic like a guest bedroom or a dining room. The idea here is that you want your mind to associate that specific space with work. Whatever your poison (email, social media, Reddit or browsing) make a commitment to stay away when you are in that designated space. Take your breaks in a different room/area so the distinction in clear and the lines don’t get muddled.

→  Tackle your tech: 

• If you can, remove your home computer from your office to limit distractions or if that’s not an option, turn it off to make “jumping on it for a minute” more inconvenient. Another idea is to create 2 different user accounts to create some separation. Some even go so far as partitioning their hard drive.
• Reduce your browsing time: Whichever computer set up you use, consider installing an internet blocking tool like Cold turkey to help you stay away from the internet rabbit hole during working hours.
• Clean up your desktop. It’s easy for your desktop to turn into a junk drawer over time. Put some order back and clear some space on your digital desk and in your head by removing anything you don’t need, or installing a desktop organizer to streamline your screen.

2.   Create a work routine and adopt habits to stay productive

→  Go to work. Physically go to your work space to start your workday. Close your office door if you have one and post a do not disturb sign. If you don’t have a door, use a stand alone partition. You can even be creative and rearrange the furniture to close off your space. Separate yourself from the rest of your home and then start.

→  Limit interruptions. Don’t come out unless absolutely necessary to limit “impromptu” conversations with family members. Set up clear breaks so when you do come out, you are present and available. Multitasking is not the way to go here.

→  Create BOTH a morning and evening routine. It’s one thing to decide you will start work at a certain time, but it’s another to set up a routine that primes your brain so that when you get to your desk in the morning, you are ready to start working and be productive.

For the morning, if you already have an effective ritual that starts off your work day stick with it. If not, now is a good time to set one up. Whether it’s getting a cup of coffee, spending a few moments with your kids at breakfast, walking the dog, or reviewing and writing your goals for the day, give your mind external cues that your workday is starting. Over time, the repetition will lower your internal resistance to this new set up to the point where it will be automatic.

Don’t underestimate the power of an evening routine. Separating your home life from your work life is exponentially more difficult when you work from home.  But especially amid the Coronavirus pandemic, you need that time away from work to recharge and it’s important to clearly signal to your brain that you are shifting gear. When the workday is done; turn off your computer, clean off your desk, write out your to-do list for the next day and close the door behind you (or walk away from your dining room table). Leave work means leave work!

3.   Prep for your day the night before

→  Communicate your schedule to spouse and children to set expectations for how the next day will go. Setting up ground rules about when you will be available for questions or to tackle domestic forest fires will help everyone keep a positive attitude and will reduce the tug of war between your personal and professional life.

→  Get clear on your outcomes for the next day. Now more than ever, having a plan ahead of time for what needs to be done is essential. If you wait until the next morning to figure out what you want to accomplish, you will lose precious time and increase your likelihood of getting distracted by low priority but seemingly urgent tasks.

→  Pretend like you ARE going to the office. Lay out your work clothes so you don’t end up “working in your pajamas.” While keeping it casual is one of the perks of working from home, keeping a professional standard of dress by always being “camera ready” for that impromptu video conference call is another cue for your brain that this is not the weekend.

4.   Use meetings and interactions with others to create structure and accountability.

→  Make it very difficult to procrastinate. Nothing like scheduling early morning meetings to create the leverage to get out of bed and resist the temptation to sleep in.

→  Schedule your lunch time just like you would if you were at work to create the sense of normalcy and that “escaping from the office” time. Working from home also means that the fridge and pantry are always within reach. Having a set time to stop and grab lunch, and meal prepping ahead of time if you can, will help you stay focused on work instead of making hourly runs to the kitchen to snack and distract yourself.

→  Stay on top of your communication with your colleagues. Review your schedule and outcomes periodically throughout the day. Remember, you know what you are doing but no one else does. Even less so now since the one-on-one office conversations that normally happen in the workplace are gone.

5. Use family time as leverage to stay on Task

Zig Ziglar used to say, “the problem with most sales people is when they are home, they are thinking about what they should have been doing at work and when at work, thinking about what they should have been doing from home.”

→  Commit (or re-commit) to family dinners, dedicated times with your kids and other family rituals. Committing to being available a certain time can be a powerful motivator to get things done. Explaining “I can’t spend time with you now, but I am all yours tonight from 6-7pm”, and then being true to your word, will help you create some leverage for yourself.

→  Maintain to your nightly routines with the kids. Working from home may mean that you have more flexibility with your schedule, but sticking to your normal family schedule will help reduce the chaos at a time when the constant uncertainty can make it difficult to stay centered.

→  Schedule your workout times and rest time. Decide ahead of time when you and your spouse can “tag team” with the kids so that everyone can have some time off and DON’T use your “time off” to work unless it’s a MUST or you have already gotten in your workout-recharge time. Part of being as productive as you can at work is about managing your energy. Whether it’s working out or meditating (ideally it’s both), now is not the time skimp on self-care.

6.   Resist the urge to multi-task and juggle your personal life and work life during your work day.

The mind will always take the path of least resistance, especially when no one is watching.

→  Be careful of small, quick distractions becoming large time wasters. For instance, throwing in a quick load of laundry which in your mind will take 2 or 3 minutes can result in a wasted 30 minutes getting your kids to bring theirs down, sorting, folding, etc.  Set a timer for your breaks, keep your eye on the clock, or schedule a conference call to force you to get back to business in a reasonable period of time.

→  Have a few minutes between conference calls? Maximize your time by keeping a small work “to-do” list of items of value that you can accomplish in tiny pieces of time. Have a 5, 10 or 20 minute Short List of items you need to get done. As an added benefit, getting these “little” things off your plate will also help you stay out of overwhelm.

→  Keep a running list of people to email, call, text or follow up with. Keeping business relationships strong during these tough times can pay long term benefits. Let your business colleagues /clients know you care and are thinking of them.

→  Make your commute time count. Reallocate your commute time to productive ends. Be intentional about how you spend that time. If you used to spend 30 minutes to and from work, you can use that 20-30 minutes to do some things you didn’t have time for before. Schedule that time to get a walk or a run in,  read a story to your kids, play a family game or sit down with your teen to watch a show, read, meditate, make that phone call to a family member or dedicate that time to that side business you always wanted.

The coronavirus and Covid-19 may have created an abundance of uncertainty and it might have upended your normal office word day, but you can make working from home work for you. It can be very rewarding even. Some things have changed, but some things have remained very much the same: you have control over your productivity and your time management. You are still in charge of creating the most effective strategies to stay on top of your game. Set yourself up for success at work and use the extra time to stay engaged with family, your health, and anything else that matters to you. Stay healthy!

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When I started coaching back in 1999, coaching wasn’t really that popular. People would ask me what I did for a living and I would say, “I’m a life coach with Tony Robbins” and about half of the time they would respond with, “so what do you coach? basketball, softball, football?”

Things have definitely changed in the last 20 years. It seems there are coaches everywhere; life coaches, health coaches, nutrition coaches, business coaches, real estate coaches, career coaches, sales coaches, marketing coaches, financial coaches and my wife and I even hired a “Baby Whisperer” coach when we needed some better strategies to help my baby girl to sleep through the night!

With all of the coaches looking for your business, sometimes it seems like car ads on TV. It can be hard to know who is a “great coach” versus a “not so great” coach. Who can a person trust when looking for help? After all, a person is not only putting their hard-earned money on the line, but more importantly, their mental & emotional health, thoughts, problems and the deep intimate details of their personal life!

With one question, you can find the best personal coach for you. The first time you talk to him or her, ask, “I want to hire you as my coach, when can we start?”

Their answer will tell you everything you need to know.

Let me explain. I am a Master Practitioner in the science of NLP, Time Line Therapy & Hypnosis. Those skills help people clear up deep emotional issues preventing them from success. Imagine a person coming to me and asking, “James, what’s a great book on NLP?”  If I was a mediocre coach, I would jump to conclusions or infer what you wanted and would respond with, “The Structure of Magic” 

As a “great coach” I would respond with, “What is your outcome for reading a book on NLP?”  Once we figured that out, then I would respond based on your outcomes. For example, I might answer: “A great book on NLP & Sales is Persuasion Engineering.  For the entire NLP Practitioner training, look for The User’s Manual for the Brain and for a great NLP motivational book reach for Awaken the Giant Within by Tony Robbins.”

A great coach will work to understand you, your goals and your needs FIRST. A great coach will not jump to a conclusion, hence the response, “What is your outcome for the book?”

When it comes to hiring an executive coach or a life coach, a “not so great” coach will enroll you right there on the spot and say, “Sure, I would love to work with you!” But, how do they know that they even have the skills and tools necessary to help you achieve your goals? They don’t even know if the goals and problems you have are within the scope of their coaching practice.

The best coaches will respond with a “Before we proceed, what are your outcomes for coaching?” They will also offer some complimentary time to take you through some sort of process to uncover your goals and obstacles preventing your success. For instance in my coaching practice, I offer a complimentary, 60-minute, “Success-Now” session* to take you through a 5-Step Coaching Process (next week’s post). During this call, we go through your goals, obstacles and success strategies.

“Great coaches” aren’t just looking for clients to fill their practice, they are looking for successful clients. They take the time to understand the prospective client’s goals and obstacles. They determine if they have the right skills, tools and strategies to help that client create the changes they want. And once they know they are the right fit for what the client needs, they move forward. This is what makes the difference between an average coach and a great coach.

Finding a great coach can be a simple, easy process. Look for a personal coach who will spend time upfront with you before ever asking for your business. If he or she can’t take the time now to look at what your goals are and the obstacles you are facing, keep walking. You may end up paying for a coach that can’t deliver the results you want.

*If you know of anyone needing help and support to overcome the obstacles holding them back from more success in life, they can set up a complimentary “Success-Now” at www.evolutionforsuccess.com.

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When people talk about changing their life, they are really talking about changing the quality and intensity of the emotions they consistently experience. There are certain emotional states that we are driven towards and certain emotional states that we are driven away from.

Emotions give us insight into where we are incongruent in our values, beliefs, and unresolved significant emotional events. The outcome of any coaching or intervention process is to ease emotional conflict within a person and increase wholeness by attaching new more empowering meanings to their experiences. That increases choice and wholeness within a person.

Here are the Top Ten Disempowering Emotions that people experience and the message they convey:

1. Discomfort:

Message: When you feel bothered, impatient, bored, or irritated, this emotion is telling you that you can be more than who you currently are.

Solution: Need to change your emotional state, get clear on what you want, and take an immediate action to achieve/experience something new.

2. Fear

Message: When you feel concern, apprehension, worry or terror, this emotion is telling you that something is coming up in the future that you are not prepared for. This emotion gives you massive energy to prepare for the unforeseen.

Solution: Identify what is coming up in the future that you are not prepared for, find a new solution and take action to confront and walk through the fear.

3. Pain

Message: When you feel a sense of loss or if means that an expectation has not been met. This is an important indicator that shows the depth of your caring about yourself of another individual/situation.

Solution: Identify if the expectation is still valid and useful. Is it your responsibility or someone else’s for the emotion of the moment? Identify what is within your direct control and influence to support the other person or yourself through the moment, adjust expectations for the future.

4. Anger

Message: When you feel irritated, angry, resentful, furious, livid, enraged, (usually from hurt) it is a fire and depth of emotional energy to make things right. It means that a standard that you have is not being met by yourself or others.

Solution: Use this deep intense energy to adjust your standards for yourself or others and take an immediate action to move towards resolution to the challenge or issue.

5. Frustration

Message: You keep trying the same thing to achieve your dreams/goals and it is not working.

Solution: Stay focused on your outcomes and change your approach. Try doing the exact opposite of what you are currently trying to get a different result.

6. Disappointment

Message: It shows the depth of your caring you feel towards the person/situation and the high standards that you have set.

Solution: Change your expectation, adjust the time frames on the goals or things that you want to have/experience and remember that God’s delays are not God’s denials. That old saying, “there are no unreasonable goals, only unreasonable time frames attached to them sometimes,” could be applicable.

7. Guilt/Regret

Message: You violated a standard or belief that your hold true for yourself and you are not following through on what you know is best for you

Solution: Clean up your act! Step forward and do what you know is right and true for you independent of what others may think is “best for you” or “what you can or cannot do”

8. Inadequacy / Self Doubt

Message: You feel less that worthy, your own value and worth is low

Solution: Use this emotion to set outcomes for you to learn, grow, and contribute to others.

9. Overwhelm/Overload

Message: You are feeling hopeless, helpless, depressed because events are controlling you instead of you controlling events

Solution: Reevaluate what is truly important to you in life, distinguish between Must’s, Should’s and Want’s, then take action.

10. Loneliness

Message: Feeling alone and separate from others and you need a new form of connection

Solution: Find inside yourself a way to reconnect or look outside of yourself to your friends, family, peers, and groups to help those more in need.

These Top Ten Disempowering Emotions are calls to take action and unlocks more in life. With the understanding of the Message that they are trying to tell us and the Solution on how to work through them, life becomes easier and easier. You will always continue to experience these Top Ten Emotions in your life. A new paradigm of measuring success comes from decreasing the amount of time that it takes to understand the Message, find a new solution, and take action to move through them every time you feel them.

When you work through your emotional states you begin to control your life instead of your life controlling you. That’s personal power!

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Is your business out of control? If you are a small business owner who feels like your business is running you, instead of you running your business, learn how to STOP the cycle. It’s all about your hat!

As a small business owner, we have to balance and wear many “hats” to succeed. In fact, there are up to 9 “hats” a small business owner has to wear for any business to run successfully!

With such a tremendous learning curve for small business owners, it is easy to understand why “About half of all new establishments survive five years or more and about one-third survive 10 years or more.”

How can a small business owner hedge his bets on keeping the doors open?

This is where the Hat Concept comes into play.  You need to make it an absolute priority to schedule time each quarter, each month and each week to “wear the hat” necessary to keep things running smoothly in the business.

Here are the “hats” business owners need to schedule time for:

CEO HAT – The CEO is the visionary of the company. As such, he has to keep the long term vision of the company alive and in focus. This will ensure that the company does not expand too fast or “chases too many squirrels” (deviating from the planned path). It is also his job to, at a high level, review financials, fund and defund the business as necessary, and keep focus on the long run.

CFO HAT – The CFO is the penny cruncher of the company. He keeps a tight reign on the bottom line financials in the month to month operations. He is not necessarily popular with anyone in the company because “conservative” is his middle name. He serves a very necessary function however, to ensure the company does not overextend itself financially and stays in business.

CMO HAT – The Chief Marketing Officer is responsible for all company branding, press releases, managing company perceptions, getting out the ‘word’ on what is new. This is crucial to start laying a foundation for community involvement, contribution, and good will.

VP of Sales HAT – He is the lifeblood of the business. Sales in any business drive revenue.   Master the art of upsell, downsell, cross sell, drive for results and live with no fear.

CIO HAT  – The Chief Information Officer works all of the latest technology and office technical/communications processes and systems.

COO HAT – The Chief Operations Officer is all about the product delivery. In my case, I am the COO every time I pick up and phone with a client.

Additional HATS – Human Resources, Legal and Customer Service Officers come into play once the business is large enough.

In real life, how does making time to wear each of these hats relate to the solopreneur, entrepreneur and small business owner’s success or failure?

Let’s look at a Forbes article by Eric Wagner titled “Five Reasons 8 out of 10 Businesses Fail”

“Not really in touch with customers through deep dialogue.” 

HAT to wear – Chief Operations Officer: needs to be able to effectively understand client needs, see gaps in the market, listens to what the clients want and need instead of what the business owner thinks they need.

“No real differentiation in the market (lack of unique value proposition).”

HAT to wear – Chief Marketing Officer: needs to time to look at competitors, positioning in the market place, develop compelling strategies for product promotion and client engagement.

“Failure to communicate value propositions in clear, concise and compelling fashion” 

HAT to wear —  VP of SALES: for small business owners, he needs to consistently focus on listening and selling based on client needs and not ‘benefit’ selling. Focus on building a sales funnel that solves a problem and communicate clear value propositions to meet prospects’ needs.

“Leadership Breakdown at the top (yes – founder dysfunction)”

HAT to wear – The CEO is responsible for bringing the whole group together. Most small business owners are just scrambling to cover expenses, fill payroll and keep the doors open. Who has time to break away every week, month, and quarter for strategic positioning, thinking and planned promotions of the business? But the reality is that planning time is CRITICAL, even if it’s just one quarter at a time.

“Inability to nail a profitable business model with proven revenue streams.”

HAT to wear – CFO: As a small business owner, taking time out to manage expenses, focus on revenue, and analyze numbers is not fun! And, it can be easily avoided by just focusing on payroll each week. Unfortunately, not keeping track of your revenue and expenses at least every 2 weeks can lead to disaster.

FINAL RECOMMENDATION: Be courageous and fire yourself, if needs be! Then, hire a new ‘you’ and wear the HAT you need to drive your business to continued success. I want to see you celebrating long after that 5-year anniversary!

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You might be wasting your money on motivational seminars and coaching unless you do this!

There is a HUGE gap in the market today between the experience you get from paying top dollar for motivational seminars from people like Tony Robbins®, The Millionaire Mind Intensives and the benefits you get from executive or personal coaching —even with top NLP trainers like Dr.’s Tad and Matt James and high priced executive coaches or life coaches.

Both have value and both have their place, but they do 2 entirely different things.

Motivational seminars and events are a ‘fish bowl’ for change. You are transported out of your current environment, place in an artificial one and ‘reprogrammed’ and then put back into your old life. Or, if you attend a powerful NLP training where you are intellectually taught NLP materials and have some simple exercises with partners, you will also create change in the ‘fishbowl’ manner.

The biggest problem is that while there may be some intense, emotional change during the event, once a person returns back home, eventually that fades away. Imagine a fish being taken out of his dirty fish bowl, put in clean water where he can finally breathe and then after a few days, is put back into the old water. Some healthy changes occurred while in the fresh water, but certainly not any long term lasting change. Using this analogy, the only way to get “healthy” is to pay to get in the clean water again for a few days somewhere in the future. Done often enough, and at close enough intervals, it’s possible to imagine that the changes might stick, but it’s impractical for most busy professionals.

Coaching can also be an effective tool and can be great to provide insight, awareness, strategies and accountability. However, the current ‘accepted’ coaching model is to never go into the past. After all, coaching isn’t therapy. The serious problem with coaching is that it only looks to create change by starting from where you are today. However, all change in behaviors happens when there is work done with the unconscious mind to clear up negative emotions and feelings from the past.

Imagine you have been writing a book called ‘your life.’ Using the traditional coaching methodologies, it’s like trying to create and write a new story in a journal that is already filled with past thoughts, stories and emotions! There is never really a clean page to start writing on. You never really start with a clean mental, emotional, physical and spiritual page in order to write something entirely new. Change can happen over the long term, but it can be laborious, take a long time and quite frustrating.

How can a person fill the gap? Go and take the seminar experience to have an emotional immersion, to have an experience of change and to learn the tools you can use back in your own ‘fishbowl.’ Then find an Executive Business Coach, like me with over 30,000 sessions who can work with you to continue having deep emotional releases AND teach you how to use the tools from the motivational seminars in your life every day! Solution for long term change solved!

My new program, Achieve Anything Now, brings all of the most powerful tools of NLP, Time Line Therapy® or Time Empowerment Techniques™ (MER mental emotional release) together in an easy monthly, weekly and daily process to release emotional issues from your past, create limitless opportunities and build powerful, results-driven, long term change into your life.

Call now for your complimentary, “Success-Now” session to see how you can, create the life of your dreams! (919) 745-7569

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Ever seem a little scattered? Do your business goals seem elusive and just out of reach? Are you frustrated at the end of the day because you never completed what you needed to? Are you so scattered that you don’t even have time to read this post? If so, then here are the Top Ten Tips to stay focused this week…

10. Answer the question, “What is the specific result I am focused on achieving this week?”

Without a clear destination you can’t get where you want to go. Imagine getting in a plane and just taking off to “go somewhere.” Use the SMART goals format to define your destination. Simple & Specific, Measurable & Meaningful, As if Now & Action oriented, Reasonable & Realistic, and Timed Towards what you desire. Specific is Success!

9. Get Motivated by Listing all the emotional reasons “WHY” you want to get to your destination.

When a goal is set in place…so are the obstacles that will be needed to be overcome. This will take energy and energy lies in generating the emotional “WHY” we want it. For ourselves, our kids, our spouse; dig down deep into that well of emotion and let it all gush forth. For extra credit, link up your life purpose to the goal and your identity to really get some power.

8. Find New People:

You are where you are, in part, due to the peer group you have around you. My workout buddy in the morning is the best. We both push each other. We are doing the Insanity workout and just this morning as we were completing our workout, he asked if I wanted to get in an additional 15 minute “pump” on the weights. He pushes me even when I’m tired and am ready to be done. I reciprocate by making sure I am at the gym every morning before he is. That way, he knows he has to bring the DVD’s or he will let me down by not showing up. We both add value to each other in different ways.

7. Clear Your Clutter

Get rid of anything that isn’t supporting your success. There needs to be emptiness in order for something new to come into your life. If a woman wants a man in her life but is sleeping at night with extra pillows and her pets…there’s no room for a man in her bed. If a guy doesn’t clean out 3/4 of his closet, get an extra toothbrush, have his/hers towels, and cleans out two dresser drawers, how will there be space for a woman to come into his life? Clear out your junk and make room!

6. Define & Master a Single Core Skill

Focus on changing one specific behavior that will move you towards your goal. You can prepare to walk/run all day with the right shoes, the music, playlists, weather, timing, treadmill or outside, determining your routes, estimating your time; but in the end all you have to master is putting one foot in front of the other for an extended period of time. Master taking one 8-10 inch step at a time with good form and posture.

5. Get comfortable with Being Uncomfortable

Let’s say a person wants to reduce their weight. They will need to get comfortable being uncomfortable. When they “FEEL” uncomfortable because their stomach grumbles and they would normally go for some food, how can they start to feel comfortable with that moment and appreciate it instead of dread it? (This leads to #4)

4. Find a new, more empowering belief

Using the example above, when the stomach rumbles and they start to “FEEL” uncomfortable, insert a new belief for the old one. If the normal process is: stomach rumbles, the person says, “I’m starving to death and gotta eat” interrupt that self talk with, “excellent, that means that I must be thirsty” and then take a new action and drink water. (Sounds silly but I did that when I lost 60 lbs over 20 years ago and it still serves me to this day!)

3. Create Small Reminders

If you have a bigger goal of a trip, weight loss, business goals, etc. remember that where your focus goes your energy flows. Change your passwords to reflect your goals: ToughMudderNov2018, StBarth2017, CollegePaidinFull, Beachretirement2035, and BE CREATIVE. Put pictures on your mirror, in the shower, above your bed, in the bathroom, dash of the car, create reminders everywhere. These small reminders will help you stay focused and on track.

2. Create Quiet time to Focus

I recently read an article stating the main reason most small businesses fail is because of lack of planning. Strategic, purposeful thinking can only be done in a quiet setting and it should be done consistently (preferably a block of time weekly and even daily!) In order to create this space…find somewhere outside of your normal office, etc. (I have a client who uses a study room at his local library, no one finds him there) This will avoid the trap of the business running the person instead of the person running the business. During this scheduled quiet time see point #1.

1. Master Fear Management

I don’t care if you are the CEO of a Fortune 50 or a small solopreneur. In today’s competitive market the need to be innovative, creative and flexible creates HUGE uncertainty. Uncertainty breeds FEAR. Fear can be present due to change happening in the negative, ie going bankrupt and also the positive, ie problems that arise from rapid growth and expansion. Master Your Fears. Embrace them everyday because if you succumb to FEAR it will only lead to low self confidence, being motivated by necessity instead of possibility and worst of all, create a scarcity mentality. MASTER FEAR by doing at least one specific task everyday that you fear the most in your business. Eat Uncertainty and Fear for Breakfast to earn your dessert after dinner.

BONUS TIP:

Get an unconditional form of support to keep you on track…like an Executive Business Coach. (You know I had to plug that in!) Regardless of whether it’s me or not, no one earns a Grammy, an Emmy or an Oscar and stands on the stage during the acceptance speech and says, “I DID IT ALL MYSELF!” They all have people to thank…people who believed in them, provided support in those troubled moments of doubt, uncertainty and FEAR and pushed them to stay focused on their dreams and goals.

FOCUS!

To your continued success,

James

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When we look at people who have reached a goal we also aspire to achieve, we often ask ourselves the wrong question.

I recently recorded a TV documentary on the National Ironman Triathlon held in Hawaii every year. That goal is still on my bucket list, and as I watched, I found myself asking the wrong question almost immediately.

“How do they train for such an ultimate test of physical endurance?”

The answer of course, lies in hundreds of training books and online resources. The first question out of people’s mouths when I lost 60 pounds in college was “How did you do that?” As for the goals and New Year’s Resolutions that you have set, it is easy to find out “how” to do something. As a matter of fact, you can find out “How” to do almost anything in the world with today’s technology; just ask “Google”

So, if “how” is the wrong question to ask, what is the right question?

The short interview with the eighty five year old man racing in the Ironman brought me back to my senses. Before the “How?” question, I needed to ask “What or Why?”

“What drove him? or Why was he able to train for such an ultimate test of physical endurance?”

The answer was simple. He had a simple life belief: “Go anaerobic once a day.” He believed in being active and pushing himself once a day into an anaerobic state while exercising.

“What drives me to run marathons consistently, or why am did I train to run ultramarathons?” One of my beliefs is that running is the most whole and complete personal experience. It is mentally, emotionally, physically, and spiritually fulfilling.

I run consistently because I believe that doing something that provides a whole and complete experience makes me a better husband, father, executive coach, and person.

Buried within the “What’s and Why’s” are the BELIEFS that will bridge the gap between setting the goal and learning “How” to do it.

Everyone knows “how” to lose weight. The true challenge for people is that they are not connected enough to the “What and Why” (the beliefs and rules) that have allowed others to succeed. They have not adopted those beliefs and rules as their own.

If you have not set some goals for this year, ask yourself, “What could I accomplish this year that would be the most mentally, emotionally, physically and spiritually fulfilling experience for me?”  If you have your goals, but are already struggling with sticking to those New Year’s resolutions, look at someone who has achieved those results. Put the question of “How have they accomplished it?” on pause for a minute, and instead, ask yourself the much more essential question of “What drove them?” and “Why did they achieve this goal?” Seek out the beliefs that have allowed them to succeed and make them your own.

And then, and only then ask, “How did they do it?” Once you have adopted empowering beliefs, taking action will become much easier.

Enjoy your very own Ironman!

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Here Is How to R.A.T.E. a Prospective Executive Coach.

Finding the right Life Coach or Executive Coach can seem like a daunting task. Here are a few simple guidelines to keep in mind as you explore your options.

But first and foremost, ask yourself what specific results you want to get from personal coaching. Do you want to embark in a process of self discovery or are you interested in getting more clients, generating more business, getting out of overwhelm in your business or even in your personal life?

Once you have an idea of what you hope to accomplish by hiring a life or executive coach, it’s time to ask him or her some questions…

RESULTS: What results have you helped clients achieve? 

Investing in a personal life coach or executive coach is not like buying a product you can return to the store –after all you are paying for the coach’s insight, processes, and psychological strategies which varies greatly from one coach to another. Yet, their clients’ results are definitely measurable. Ask, “What specific results have their clients achieved as a direct result of their coaching relationship?” If self discovery or pure emotional support is what you are hoping to gain, responses like “get in touch with their authentic self, support and insight, find their truth, or explore their talents.” will resonate with you.

ACCESSIBILITY: Are you available to take my calls when it’s convenient for me?

Most coaching packages provide two to four coaching sessions per month for 30-60 minutes. Some will even add a certain amount of email exchanges per week if needed. The problem is that most of the emotional moments when you need your coach’s support will not be during your “next scheduled call.” Many personal, life and business coaches today work their businesses part time and will not be available for you in between sessions. If accessibility is important to you, be sure and ask, “What additional support can I expect in between our formal sessions?”

TRAINING: Where were you trained and what is your coaching style?

Most coaches will have a certification or training from a Coach Training School. Be aware that anyone can provide a “Coaching Certification.” Your next door neighbor could start their own coaching practice tomorrow and label themselves a “Life Coach” or “Business Coach.” Ask, “what formal and informal training have you completed?” Remember, a certification does not equal a coach’s ability to help you get results. While every realtor has a license, your goal is to hire the one that can sell your house the fastest for the highest price. Coaching style is also a factor since each coach takes a unique approach to coaching. Some personal coaches are more assertive and to the point, some are gentle and soft spoken, while others combine a direct approach with a supportive style. You need to decide what will work best for you.

EXPERIENCE: How much experience do you have?

Nothing takes the place of experience. Experience doesn’t make you smarter, but it does mean you have observed patterns of behavior over and over again, and you have had time to determine which strategies truly work. It enables you to be able to think on your feet and adapt solutions to the specific issues you are tackling. In the book “Outliers,” Malcom Gladwell estimates that mastery of a skill comes after about 10,000 hours of experience. If a person worked 40 hours a week for about 5 years, they would gain mastery as a coach. That is 40 hours a week of actual “face to face” client time for five years straight. It does not include marketing, sales, administration, product development, public speaking, continued training, or time off. In order to be eligible for a Master Coach credential from the International Coach Federation, a personal coach only has to log 2,500 hours. Be sure to ask, “How many coaching hours have you accumulated since you became a coach?”

Working with a personal coach —whether it’s an executive coach or a life coach— has many advantages. A coach will provide perspective, support and accountability. By working with the right coach for you, one whose coaching style is a good fit, and one whose expertise matches the results you want to achieve, you will increase your success exponentially.  To learn more about executive coaching or personal life coaching, send us an email or call (919) 745-7569.

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There are 4 goals of misbehavior in children and teens

You have seen them… the child screaming for attention in the store or the teen who dresses in a way impossible to ignore, the one who plays helpless and asks for help before even trying to problem-solve on his own, the child who talks back and “hates” his parents, and the one who insists on his or her way and attempts to rule the roost.

What do they all have in common?

They are working to get love and connection from their parents.  No, it’s not a typo; it might not make sense logically, but emotionally, it does.

All children, whether they are toddlers or high schoolers, have 2 primary needs: to be loved unconditionally and to belong.  If they feel discouraged and perceive they cannot belong in a useful way, they start acting up.  They actually want 1 of 4 things: they either want to get attention, power, revenge, or display inadequacy.

Let’s look at these “goals of misbehavior”, and what might be an effective strategy to coach your child toward more positive behavior.

GOAL # 1: Attention

All kids need attention and a large part of parenting is to give our kids attention.  But when your child mistakenly believes that the only way to belong is to have your attention –and will misbehave to get it– it becomes problematic.

You know when your child is misbehaving in an effort to get your attention if your reaction is to get annoyed or bothered.  Your natural response will be to coax, remind, nag or criticize.  Your child will usually respond by stopping the behavior temporarily and then starting it up again later for more attention.

Examples:
• Actively seeking attention:You are visiting with a friend when your 9 yr old daughter asks you to watch her do a cartwheel on the lawn.  You oblige happily, remark on her progress and go back to your discussion.  But a minute later, you’re showered with another wave of “watch me Daddy, watch me!”, quickly followed by “Watch me again!” and again, and again…  Her bid for attention might escalate until she falls and receives your complete attention.  With a teenager, you might find that your son does something that annoys you.  After you step in to correct the behavior, he may stop but before long, he moves on to another annoying behavior.
• Passively seeking attention:  Instead, your son might do nothing and simply expect to be waited on.

Solution: Encourage your child to join in  and be part of things in a positive way.  Ignore your child’s obvious bid for attention and instead focus and draw attention to something else entirely.  At a different time, offer positive attention when he or she isn’t trying to get it.  Catch him or her being good.

GOAL # 2: Power

Part of growing more independent is to feel more in control. In and of itself, power is a positive goal.  It only becomes a problem if, as with attention, your child feels that the only way to connect is by having the power.  In the case of teens, it’s a very common goal of course since they are often very focused on gaining autonomy.

Your clue to the fact that your child is trying to show power is that you will tend to respond by feeling angry or threatened. You might try to make him obey or you might give in. If you choose to fight and make him do what you want, he will fight back.  If you choose to give in, he’ll stop acting out since he won and got what he wanted.

Examples:
• Actively seeking Power:Your child may deliberately break your rules like going biking without a helmet, choosing friends he knows you are uncomfortable with, or refusing to come home when you ask.
• Passively seeking Power: Sometimes, your child will comply with your request but do it slowly or sloppily hence communicating that although you can make him do what you want him to do, he can control how he does it.

Solution: Look for ways to give your child more choices.  Encourage your child to gain independence and be responsible.  Don’t fight or give in, let consequences simply happen.

GOAL # 3: Revenge

If your child loses a power struggle and feels hurt, he may decide to get revenge.

As a parent, you might feel shocked, hurt and angry.  You might react by trying to get even and in return, your child will try to get more revenge, continuing the cycle with no end in sight.

Examples:
• Actively seeking Revenge:Your child might say or do something hurtful. Teens might take risks with the whole goal of shocking or worrying you.
• Passively seeking Revenge: Your child may choose to glare at you angrily.

Solution: Refuse to take things personally.  Refuse to get even. Don’t enter in a cycle of escalating revenge. Focus on building trust and respect when everyone is calm.

GOAL # 4: Display of Inadequacy

Sometimes a child will try to connect with his parents by acting helpless in a particular area.  He or she perceives that the only way they will connect with you is by convincing you they are helpless.

When your child’s goals is truly to display inadequacy (as opposed to a plight to get your attention which will elicit an annoyed emotional response), he just wants to be excused from the task.  He wants you to stop expecting anything from him.  You are likely to feel like giving up too.  Although you may not voice it out loud, you might in fact think that your child is helpless in that area.  You might give up and do nothing.  If you do give up and agree to expect nothing from your child, his goal has been met but at a very high price.

Examples:
• Your child may try to convince you he can’t figure out homework, do a good job at their chores, or make friends.

Solution: Because a child who gives up is very discouraged, focus on progress and encourage any effort. Don’t pity them and don’t give up.

When your teen or child is acting out, take a minute to determine what your child’s misbehavior payoff is and change the way you react. You can help your child develop more positive beliefs and strategies about getting your love and connection.

To learn more about identifying and responding to your kids’ behavior, pick up the book STEP Parenting: Systematic Training for Effective Parenting by Dinkmeyer or their Teen version of the book: Parenting Teenagers: Systematic Training for Effective Parenting of Teens. It is an extremely valuable resource and can make a huge difference.  Or call me at (919) 745-7569!

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We continually experience both positive and negative emotions. We finish a job or task at work and feel a great sense of accomplishment afterwards, or we walk down the street, remember a particular event and immediately experience sadness at the memory.

The question is, do you have a choice about how you feel?

In a word –yes!

We control our emotional states by the meaning that we attach to all of life’s experiences!

By CHOOSING to take a specific action, we CHOOSE the meaning of the event.

For example, by choosing to go out walking this morning, I chose that walking would allow me to feel happy, energetic, alive and vibrant. A different person may choose to go walking and decide it meant pain, suffering, and frustration. At the same time, there will always be external events that will trigger unresolved emotional issues from the past. These unresolved issues grow over time and get larger and larger and larger. Negative emotional states are positive because they tell us where our emotions and rational thoughts are in conflict.

Our emotional states are in a constant tug of war. People work to have more positive intense emotional states (happiness, love, success) while negative emotional states (frustration, overwhelm, sadness) keep popping up out of nowhere, seemingly out of control.

In creating more positive emotional states keep in mind that MOTION CREATES EMOTION. When you engage your mind and your body, positive things happen! My personal drug of choice: Endorphins! So, put on those great songs, sing at the top of your lungs, be outrageous in your own way, move your body and create a stronger you with more physical movement.

So, how can you turn loss into gain, pain into pleasure?

Put an empowering meaning to it!:

1- Identify the negative emotion you are feeling (anger, frustration, sadness, etc.)

2- Ask yourself: “What is there to learn from this, the learning of which will allow me to let go of these negative emotions easily and effortlessly?” (Thank you to Tad James for the amazing question!) “What other meaning could I attach to that event?”

3- Take action: Taking action is key! Once you understand the meaning and what there is to learn from it, CHOOSE TO TAKE AN IMMEDIATE ACTION AND DO SOMETHING DIFFERENT that will allow the more positive feelings to come out! At that point, most people resist changing their behavior because it is easier to stay in a negative emotional pattern. But the key to success is in choosing a new action and meaning, in order to break through the problem and let go of the negative emotion.

4- Celebrate your new meaning and action to anchor in the new state!

One of the greatest gifts we have in life is to choose what meaning to attach to the events that shape our lives. How you choose to label an experience and the meaning you attach to it will directly impact the quality of your emotional health and life. You control your emotional states.

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