Evolution of Dad Project

NYC Dads: Mark Your Calendars!

noreply@blogger.com (Dana) — Thu, 09 Jul 2009 22:59:00 +0000

The NYC Dads Group is sponsoring an amazing event later this month. On Wednesday, the 22nd from 6-8pm, Jeremy Adam Smith, author of the amazing "The Daddy Shift," is going to be giving a talk at the lower Manhattan branch of the 92nd Street Y. For more info, check out here. I'm hoping to attend as well. And if you haven't scooped up a copy of Jeremy's book, whadayawaitingfor??

Evolution of Dad across the Atlantic

noreply@blogger.com (Dana) — Thu, 18 Jun 2009 14:03:00 +0000

It's always interesting to see how trends in fatherhood are translated on the other side of the Atlantic. I was recently interviewed by The Times in Britain for an article on how the role of dad is changing. Aside from quoting me as saying 'mum' as opposed to 'mom' they did a really good job at presenting a balanced view on the subject of dads. Perhaps what's most intriguing is their perspective that us American dads are much more open to sharing our feelings on the subject of caregiving than our British counterparts. Ironically, while there may be an openness over here, the policies of our country lag behind England when it comes to paternity leave and such. No matter, the times they are a-changing.

Conspiracy of Silence?

noreply@blogger.com (Dana) — Mon, 08 Jun 2009 17:48:00 +0000

Yes, it's that wild and crazy time of the year when fatherhood is back on the cultural radar. I honestly have mixed feelings about Father's Day. It's great to have a holiday promoting the importance and appreciation of dads and yet, between the commercial push and the general shallowness of the media coverage, I find myself shaking my head.

I just came across an article from The Observer over on other side of the Atlantic which goes beyond head shaking to mere bafflement. The basic premise is that more and more men are coming out about how much they don't get or appreciate being dads.

Huh?

Maybe this is a British thing. I dunno. I mean, are there days that I would like to throw my boys out the window? Are there moments when I feel like banging my head against the wall? Are there times when re-reading their favorite book of Thomas for the 10,000th time is perhaps the dullest experience ever? Absolutely! Boy, there was a moment this weekend when my wife and I were with our sons at the Olive Garden and, between the screaming, standing on seats and food throwing, I'm certain the twenty-something hipster waiter was thinking, "Who would want to do this to themselves?"

And yet, would I change a thing about having kids? Would I trade in the accrued gray hairs, the loss of time, the lack of sleep, the destruction of my home, to be single and free again?

Not on your life.

What also bothered me in particular with this article was the given assumption that somehow dads have no paternal instinct compared to women, so women are just naturally suited for the job. The research about how fathers have chemical changes as well as their counterparts has been substantiated again and again. Sure, being a father really starts on day one for most new dads, but at the end of the day it's on the job training where it's really about, for moms or dads.

I think there's a balance in all of this, of course. Spending all the time taking care of one's kids, just like spending all the time away from them, can be equally troubling for dads. I think it's important for dads (and moms) to keep their sanity by getting out once in a while, having another part of their lives taken up with work, etc. It's this balance which is the toughest in our society and really where the struggle lies.

Maybe it's different for British dads but I doubt it. Maybe there are other dads out there who just don't want to be around their kids. My response to that - don't have kids then! Obviously, fatherhood is not for everyone, but a 'conspiracy of silence'? Please!

A MUST Read

noreply@blogger.com (Dana) — Fri, 29 May 2009 02:36:00 +0000

I just started reading Jeremy Smith's The Daddy Shift and so far it's everything one could hope for in a book about how the role of fatherhood is changing. Wow! Hats off to you, Jeremy, for writing a book of this caliber. More to follow once I've completed the book.

The Memorial Day Weekend Experiment

noreply@blogger.com (Dana) — Thu, 21 May 2009 17:29:00 +0000

So, you’re out at the playground with your kids, or visiting a museum or even sitting with them at the breakfast table and there’s that urge to check your email, read the latest Twitter, text a friend, etc. You can do it fairly subtly these days. A brief glance at the device in your lap, so that it’s not so readily apparent as putting a phone to your head. It only takes a moment or so of time, so what’s the big deal?

Has this ever happened to you?

Personally, it’s a perpetual temptation. Sometimes I wish I’d never gotten that cellphone that receives email. Boy, do I check it more than I should. I initially programmed the phone to send a signal every time a new email came in and by the end of the day I was worse than a Pavlovian dog.

We live in this crazy world where multitasking is expected, where our food is sugared up, where a million and one things are grabbing at our attention, so that we can’t spend too much time focusing on any one thing. We are now busier than we’ve ever been before. More information. More ways to connect with people. More of everything.

Are we happier?

For me, it’s a deep struggle. I really want to be PRESENT with my kids when I’m with them. Yet, more often than not, the mental stimulation of being around them is so lacking that I find myself craving to read the NYTimes on my phone while simultaneously keeping an eye on my boys as they take a bath or glancing at my email while walking my elder son to preschool. I look around and see that I’m not alone in this. I see moms and dads in restaurants, at the playground, texting, emailing, twittering, while taking care of their kids. Are we really with our kids when our brains are sucked into our iphones or blackberries or even the newspaper? And what’s this teaching them? That it’s okay not to be present in our lives?

Obviously, we can’t disconnect ourselves with the world or be left out – or can we? Is it possible to carve a balance? I’m going to try a simple experiment over this Memorial Day Weekend. No twitter. No texting. No email checking until after the kids have gone to bed. No cell phone usage unless it’s something relating to close friends or family. So, if you need to reach me, don’t be surprised by the delay.

Better yet, if what I’m writing about strikes a chord, I welcome you to try it as well. Let’s make this Memorial Day Weekend into what it should be about: direct contact with those we care about the most.

Not Without My Daughter!

noreply@blogger.com (Dana) — Wed, 20 May 2009 03:21:00 +0000

I can't say that Taken is the kind of movie one thinks of when it comes to father/daughter relations, but seeing it tonight certainly made my paternal instincts rise to a steady boil. There really is something primal about watching a father relentlessly trying to save the life of this daughter. While it's a sad commentary about our culture that the father portrayal is yet another inabsentia-dad-on-the-mend, the love between Neeson's character and his daughter felt very real to me. Definitely a recommend for this Father's Day season:)

A Video That Explains Everything

noreply@blogger.com (Dana) — Wed, 13 May 2009 01:53:00 +0000

My elder son and I watched "The Story of Stuff" this evening and, while it wasn't specifically about fatherhood, it gave a pretty good explanation as to why the priorities of fatherhood and the family are so screwed up at this point. If you haven't seen it already, please do so. Then share it with your friends, your families, anyone who is willing to listen.

Back in the Evo Dad Saddle

noreply@blogger.com (Dana) — Wed, 13 May 2009 01:30:00 +0000

Hey out there.

I know. Long time since the last post. It's been a long, cold winter, but the 'Evolution' continues and I'll do my best to keep up the posts as well as push this project through to its completion.

It's amazing what an economic downturn can do with regards to more dads being at home, huh? There's been a lot of media hype about this lately, but the story still sound resounding similar to the tired 'Mr. Mom' story.

What I think is really interesting are how different dads react to finding themselves out of work and stuck at home. Are they open to the personal growth inherent in getting to know their kids better or are they too down about the situation because it goes so much against their ideas of man as the provider?

As always, with each dad it's different. If you are such a dad, write to me at dana@evolutionofdad.com as I'd like to hear your story and maybe include it in the film. Thanks again.

Early Morning With Charlie

noreply@blogger.com (Dana) — Thu, 19 Feb 2009 20:29:00 +0000

The day begins in my household with my five-year-old son, Charlie, groggily coming into my bedroom and giving me a nudge to get up. We're usually up before his younger brother, Jamie, and so we tiptoe downstairs into the family room and sit on the couch, a milk in his hand and a glass of orange juice in mine. Sometimes I quietly read to him. Other times we just snuggle up and talk.

This morning, Charlie felt insistent on wanting to contribute something to the 'daddy movie' and after hearing what he wanted to say, I promptly turned on a video camera. Here are the results:

My reason for sharing this is somewhat selfish: that someday, when Charlie is an adult and struggling to find his own place in the world, he may remember what it was like when he was young and the time we shared. Anyway, thank you for the kind words, Charlie. I love you so much.

Work-At-Home Dad: White House Style

noreply@blogger.com (Dana) — Sun, 01 Feb 2009 03:46:00 +0000

There's an interesting article from the NYTimes titled "Michelle Obama's Balancing Act" and, while I'm thrilled that the First Lady seems to be taking a stance on matters of work/family balance, it's disheartening to see how much this is still thought to be a mom's issue and not a parental one. Also, take note of the experts that were interviewed for comment. God forbid some expert dads be included..

I'll echo one of the comments left at the bottom of the article: I wonder, what would people’s reactions be if the headline were “Barack Obama’s Balancing Act.”

Not to be too sour grapes, I'm thrilled that this sort of story is even coming up. (Can you imagine the title "Laura Bush's Balancing Act?") Also, it's great to be reading in a related article about our new President's apparent happiness over having to work 'at home.' Obviously, being the Prez is not your standard At-Home Dad model, but perhaps emphasizing this will make the concept more digestible to the masses. We'll see:)

My Dad

noreply@blogger.com (Dana) — Wed, 28 Jan 2009 00:37:00 +0000

Last week was a difficult one for my family. My dad had been complaining about a really, really bad headache that just wouldn't seem to go away. His doctor checked him out and then quickly sent him to the emergency room.

It turns out he was bleeding in his brain. Fortunately, the part of the brain it may have affected wasn't going to impair any of his functions.

Thank God.

My father called me on my cell to share what had happened. Through my life he's always been a fixture of calmness, of deliberation and fortitude; but this day his voice coming through my handset was only of humbled emotion.

"I'm so lucky, Dana. I'm so lucky. My mummy was watching over me," he practically cried, talking about his mother, my grandmother, who had died four years before I was even born. Hearing him like this, I nearly broke down myself.

The area of the blood burst was behind his right ear and, while the doctors were positive about the non-damage it had enacted thus far, they were also concerned that this was perhaps something my father had from birth or that it might be the beginning of further leakages.

When the doctors asked my parents if my father had ever had any 'head trauma' they both replied "No." But when I learned about the location, it dawned on me that it was at the bald spot behind my dad's ear that was a result of my dad being roughed up at age Fifteen. The story was that when he and a friend were walking home one night from the local Jewish Community Center, they were jumped by a gang of kids who screamed out antisemitic slurs as they beat my father to the ground.

My dad had long forgotten the incident, but thank God it left a deep impression on me, when he told me about it years ago and that I would make the connection now. Lastly, how bizarre it is that an antisemitic incident from Forty-Six years ago would now play out in this fashion.

Once it was clear that this leakage was an isolated incident due to outside forces, we were told my dad would need a 'procedure' to 'glue' the hair-like vein that was bleeding. This would entail the 'Fantastic Voyage' of a thin wire being sent through his body and all the way into his head. If it didn't work out, brain surgery was the next option - something we were praying wouldn't be necessary.

Last Friday afternoon, while the doctors sent the thin wire in, my family and I waited, holding our collective breaths.

Finally, the doctor called and the procedure had been a success. Thank God. After several days recovery in the hospital, my father is now back at home.

I am still emotionally exhausted from the ordeal. More than anything, seeing my dad go through the perils of this past week serves as a strong reminder of how fragile and fleeting life is and of the importance of family. Maybe my father is right that his 'mummy' was looking after him and I only pray that she continues to do so for a very, very long time.

Amen.

You Simply Melt Right In...

noreply@blogger.com (Dana) — Wed, 21 Jan 2009 00:12:00 +0000

My kids are pretty heavily into Schoolhouse Rock at the moment and it's great to be sharing something that I used to love watching as a kid on Saturday mornings. The music is great and more educational than a thousand Sesame Streets.

This was a special day for our nation and, as we watched President Obama be elected, I couldn't help but hear that song "Great American Melting Pot" playing again and again in my head.

"America was founded by the English,
But also by the Germans, Dutch, and French.
The principle still sticks;
Our heritage is mixed.
So any kid could be the president.

You simply melt right in,
It doesn't matter what your skin.
It doesn't matter where you're from,
Or your religion, you jump right in
To the great American melting pot..."

It's a special day when the ideals of our nation become a reality as well as a helpful reminder that in America anything can happen.

New Music For The Film

noreply@blogger.com (Dana) — Tue, 13 Jan 2009 02:02:00 +0000

Singer/songwriter Adriel Borshansky is working on a new song for inclusion in the film and I'm so excited about it that I wanted to share it in its very early form.

Here's the demo/lyrics for a taste of what's to come:

fatherhood song by Adriel

(read on as you listen to the song)

I stepped down
And let another mission consume me
I stepped down
And let the house fall

And there's nothing I can do
To write it all anew
To fill the void with roses and letters
Would make the distance all more true

Can it be saved
Can I become the man my children crave
Can I transform
And finally show that I'm above the norm

I took a step down
From my values and my reasons
From the source of all my feelings
To work

Well I'd love to say I'm sorry
I would love to make it up
But I wasn't even there
To understand the way that works

And there's nothing I can do
To write it all anew
To fill the void with roses and letters
Would make the distance all more true

Can it be saved
Can I become the man my children crave
Can I transform
And finally show that I'm above the norm

Let's rebuild our broken bridges
And come back to things that really matter
We will fall in mounds of snow together
Bound by love that's been with us forever
I can't keep on living buried
Underneath this blanket made of stubbornness
I must despair before the power
Of my deep, hidden love

Dear Do-Nothing Dad

noreply@blogger.com (Dana) — Fri, 09 Jan 2009 01:58:00 +0000

Here's an article from Cookiemag.com (of all places!) that I think sums up a lot of my personal feelings regarding so many dads out there that make the rest of us look bad - and their dutiful, enabling wives. Special thanks to my wife for bringing this to my attention and to Graham Carr for cooking it up.

In Memoriam: Ralph Benitez

noreply@blogger.com (Dana) — Mon, 05 Jan 2009 19:05:00 +0000

A few days ago one of the project's subjects, Ralph Benitez, passed away. Given his long battle with AIDS and his deteriorating health, his death was not a shock, but it is still so sad. Ralph exemplified all the best we hope for in a dad. His care, love, wisdom and sense of humor were apparent every moment that I was lucky enough to spend with him. When I think of it, his story will really be the heart of my film - as it should be. His passing is a reminder to me and to all who knew him how we can never take for granted the good people in this world and that one should never judge a book by its cover.

I miss you, Ralph.

More Upsides To The Downswing

noreply@blogger.com (Dana) — Mon, 22 Dec 2008 15:54:00 +0000

If there's one thing I've learned it's that, for the most part, people don't usually do things until they are forced to. Yes, there are always some generous people who make decisions for other reasons, but when it comes down to it, business tends to be business - and forget about really caring for the individual.

Such is the way it is regarding our culture's resistance to better family/work balance. Productivity and efficiency (or at least 20th Century ideas of these things) still prevail - and yet, it's possible this recession may alter this behavior.

In today's New York Times there's an article about how some companies are avoiding layoffs by some implementing different strategies, among them: four day work weeks and flexible work schedules. In other words, companies are shifting to these policies not because they see the benefit to their workers but because they have no alternative aside from layoffs.

It's not a rosy article, but the potential upside is that perhaps some of these work policy shifts might stick even after things settle down, which would be a great step forward in our corporate culture regarding family/work balance. I'm hopeful. Only time will tell...

If History Be Our Guide....

noreply@blogger.com (Dana) — Fri, 19 Dec 2008 16:17:00 +0000

I recently asked sociologist and fatherhood expert, Dr. Ralph LaRossa, how he felt the current recession would impact the role of fatherhood, given his vast knowledge in this particular area. Here's what he wrote:

"If history is a guide, at least two scenarios may play out. During the Great Depression, a number of men withdrew physically and/or psychologically from their families. Thus, in terms of the conduct of fatherhood, there is evidence of a decline. On the other hand, the economic crisis helped to fuel positive changes in the culture of fatherhood, with "experts" further encouraging men to play a greater role in the life of the children, and the business community pushing hard to institutionalize Father's Day. Thus, in terms of the culture of fatherhood, we see progression." (Ralph LaRossa, The Modernization of Fatherhood: A Social and Political History. University of Chicago Press, 1997.)

The Evolution of (Dino) Dad

noreply@blogger.com (Dana) — Fri, 19 Dec 2008 15:09:00 +0000

Just when we thought that the Evolution of Dad was a recent occurrence, news from 800 million years ago arrives. Scientists now believe that a certain type of dinosaur was an involved dad. Read here for the full scoop. Special thanks to Ralph LaRossa for bringing this to our attention.

Miracles and Magic

noreply@blogger.com (Dana) — Wed, 17 Dec 2008 15:25:00 +0000

The other day Charlie and I were watching the original Miracle On 34th Street and I found myself getting all choked-up. It's amazing how a movie that's so old can still have such power.

After the movie finished and my son had settled into his bed, I sat for a while, contemplating just why I had been so moved. I've seen this film so many countless times before and hadn't that kind of reaction to it.

But then it occurred to me: this was the first time I had seen the movie as a father. Being a father and, in essence, seeing the film through my son's young eyes, was like watching it again for the first time.

This is the true magic of really getting to know one's kids. It's hard to communicate this to people who aren't parents yet. From the outside view there is so much sacrifice involved in bringing up kids - and that is correct.

But then there's the magic.

It's all too easy as we get older, to get tired of our lives. It seems at times that a lot more magic is needed for a much diminished return, than when we were kids. The same things, year end and out, the same routines, the seasons spinning...

The antidote for all this are children. They remind us of when we were young.

So, when the very young Natalie Wood in the film says, "There is magic! I believe, I believe!" and the tears are flowing from my eyes as I sit watching, snuggled on the couch with my elder son, she's not just speaking about what she has found again but what we all can if we want to.

I wish you and your family a good holiday season. May you find the miracles and magic again if you haven't already. Peace be with you.

To James On His Second Birthday

noreply@blogger.com (Dana) — Tue, 25 Nov 2008 03:32:00 +0000

Dear James,

It never ceases to amaze me how you and your brother are growing up so fast. You have done so many incredible things this past year. You learned to walk. You discovered your favorite color (yellow.) You learned to talk. You figured out how to get along with people.

Before you were born I believed that nurture and nature are equal in defining people. However, seeing how different you are from Charlie and knowing that we’ve given you the same amount of time, love and care, it seems evident to me that the balance is more like 80%nature to 20% nurture. You and your brother definitely arrived with your ‘bags packed.’

While your brother would still probably be allowing us to feed him, the moment you could grapple a small fork, the message was very clear: I want to do this myself. You no doubt have your mom’s independent streak. You want things your way and how you like them. It’s funny how when Charlie wants something, we can easily distract him with something else, but you are not easily distracted. It’s good to know what you want, but don’t get too rigid as you’re sometimes want to do. Life just doesn’t always work your way.

I have no doubt that when you and your brother are older, you’re going to be looking out for Charlie – or at least that’s my hope. “Don’t mess with my brother or you’re going to have to deal with me,” is something I can imagine hearing the teenage version of you saying. That’s not to say your brother is a pushover, but I can already see that you’re tougher. Not only mentally but physically as well.

You’re already quite the schmoozer. One of the moments this year that really stands out was when we were in the process of selling our Hoboken apartment and the real estate agent came over with a contract offer. We were sitting around the couch in the living room. You wanted to check out the contract and so I put the document on the other side of the ottoman, so that it would be opposite to where you were. Well, you decided to charm the agent by smiling at him, then finessing your way past to get to the contract.

And then there was the time last Spring when we were all on that water taxi at Epcot and you started flirting with an entire team of cheerleaders. (Yes, there are videos, so go look.) Between your good looks and your charms, I’m not terribly worried about your future dating life.

So, happy 2nd birthday sweet baby James. I love you so much and know that years from now I’ll look back with a big smile at the quiet mornings that we used to sit quietly and read story after story, sitting on our couch, drinking milk and OJ together. Being able to share this moment in your young life is such a gift.

With great love,

Daddy

This Boat Needs To Float

noreply@blogger.com (Dana) — Thu, 20 Nov 2008 02:24:00 +0000

You know things are bad with the economy when one's child comes home from nursery school with a note addressing the country's financial situation. This is what Charlie had in his backpack today. I felt that it is worth sharing:

"So.. We are in a very difficult economic time (an understatement.) Hopefully, this situation will help us to come together to work for the common good of everyone (this boat needs to float!)

If your job status/economic situation has drastically changed, and we can help in any way, please let us know. Hang in there!"

This is a time of growth for our country. It is a time when we will be defined by how we treat each other when the chips are down, when things no longer seem so certain. In a time where the news seems to be increasingly more dire, a little note from Nursery school can go a long way.

This boat needs to float, indeed.

To Charlie On His Fifth Birthday

noreply@blogger.com (Dana) — Mon, 27 Oct 2008 16:45:00 +0000

My Dear Son Charlie,

As is the yearly custom, I’m stunned once again that you are now another year older. I can’t believe that you are Five. It only seems a second ago that I could practically hold all of you in one hand.

You have matured in so many ways this past year. Your ability to conceptualize, or put ideas together in your head, is remarkable. I’ll never forget walking out of your favorite store (Radio Shack) recently and sharing my frustration that the man helping us couldn’t think creatively enough to help us figure out how to light up the pirate cannon we were making.

“Well, Daddy,” you said as we walked, “you and I don’t have any problem being creative, do we?”

Indeed we don’t, Charlie. You know, the older you get, the more I see so much of myself in you – the good and, yes, the not so great sometimes, too. Of course, you’re not exactly me and I try to remind myself of that constantly, but there really is quite a lot of similarity: the fascination with how things fit together, the passion for doing projects, the exuberance of spirit and the love for making and sharing good stories. There’s also the tunnel vision (an asset and a curse) and so much emotion flowing through your head that sometimes it’s hard to be fully aware of others around you – and yet, you’ve made some very special new friends in the last few months of being here.

It may not always be easy for you to ‘fit in’ but always know that if you look long enough, keep an open mind and a loving hand, that there is always a special place for you. There will always be people, like Isabella or Molly or Caitlin or Yael or Aiden, who will be able to see how wonderful a person you are.

No matter how old you are reading this letter, don’t forget this.

Lastly, I believe that when you are an adult and I’m, well, a tad older, we won’t just be father and son. We’ll be good friends as well. Let’s not hurry things along too much, though, okay?

In the meantime, being able to spend the time that I do with you, Charlie, is a true gift for me. It makes me feel more alive to be around you and your brother. It makes me more aware of myself. It makes me grow as a person as much as you do. Snuggling on the couch in the mornings, reading stories together, going on hikes to Ramapo Reservation, searching for coins on the beach, treks into the city to see the Molly, ‘The Red Balloon’ or the ‘Magic Window’s’ around Christmas – these are all things I know we both will always cherish.

I love you so much, Charlie, no matter what. Happy Fifth Birthday!

Daddy

The Upside of a Downturn

noreply@blogger.com (Dana) — Fri, 10 Oct 2008 17:16:00 +0000

At the children's service yesterday for Yom Kippur, the rabbi asked kids in the audience to share what their hopes might be for the new year. My elder son, Charlie, held up his hand and the microphone was brought to him.

"When we're in the store, I hope that the prices of things are less," he said, speaking like some sort of future economist.

The congregation gave a loud chortle. Little did my son realize that what he said, in regards to saving his allowance to buy silly string, was perhaps the strongest hope anyone of us can have right now.

A day before that, I had received a voice mail from an account manager at Wachovia. Before I could even call back, my phone rang again. I nervously asked what this was about. The manager awkwardly just said she was calling to 'chat' and 'get to know' me better.

When a bank calls you just wanting to 'chat' something is direly wrong.

I write about these things not because I have any business discussing the financial situation (I know as much as you probably do) but to reflect on what this means regarding fatherhood.

In the past, I've written about how historically, in economic hard times, there is more of a focus on involved fatherhood. It's one of the only fortunate offshoots of these difficult periods in the country. While it's sad that we need to be going through the tumult of this period, perhaps there will be some overall growth for fathers about the value of spending more time with their kids and it will impact a mental shift when the economy eventually does come back around.

That's my hope and the hope of the project, anyway.

Couldn't Have Said It Better Than Jeremy At Daddy Dialectic

noreply@blogger.com (Dana) — Tue, 07 Oct 2008 20:21:00 +0000

Jeremy over at Daddy Dialectic has mentioned in the past how we seem to have a very similar world view when it comes to fatherhood and I have to concur. Please read these two great entries he's put out in the past few weeks: the first about how he feels about the current state of the world. It's extremely touching. The second is about his take on how issues of fatherhood played into the VP debate. I couldn't have expressed it better myself. Thanks, Jeremy!

Charlie And The Playground Part 2

noreply@blogger.com (Dana) — Thu, 25 Sep 2008 01:49:00 +0000

Well, my wife and I met with Charlie's teacher and the head of his nursery school a few days ago. It was good to see that they had their hearts in the right place and my perspective has changed a bit since then.

After talking to the folks running Charlie's school I have a better appreciation for their intentions: which is to prep our son as best as possible for his entrance into next year's public school. Certainly, these teachers care and want our son to succeed in life. Their Montesoori-style school is designed to teach kids as much as possible so that they have a leg up in grade school.

That, by the way, was why Charlie missed the playground that day. Since there are two teachers to a class, one could take care of the others while the other spent some 'extra time' helping Charlie with his work. While I strongly believe that kids need to have his time in the playground as much as in-class work, the extra attention afforded to my son is appreciated. (Perhaps if it had been presented this way, I may not have felt as strongly as I had.)

While I wish our culture wasn't so results-oriented, I do see the value in this training. Charlie is able to write his own name - something he previously couldn't do. That's a good thing. What's still troubling, I suppose, is that kids these days just allowed to be kids enough or themselves enough, frankly.

"We understand that your son is never going to be your typical kid," the head of the nursery school said at a certain point, "and we're certainly not trying to make everyone into sheep, but we do want Charlie to be able to fit into society as best as he can."

The worry is that Charlie will become 'labeled' badly by the other kids and the greater concern by the school is that if Charlie doesn't bend a bit more to the rules of this school and be less 'high maintenance', he'll basically be ejected within a couple of months - a hard pill to swallow for any parent.

My wife wants to have Charlie tested and evaluated - not so much that there is something direly wrong with him -- there certainly isn't -- but if there's anything we can do in terms of giving him better tools to get along better with others, we should do it. I'm willing to go along with this within reason.

The deeper truth is that when it comes down to it, Charlie is very, very much like me. Of course, he's not exactly me and there plenty of differences between us but his thought processes certainly mirror myself in more ways than one. For example, this weekend, Charlie and I went apple picking with his great aunts and it was a special time. It was also interesting how many times my two wonderful aunts looked to each other and commented about how uncanny it was being around Charlie because he reminded them so much of me when I was his age.

Charlie is more often than not caught up in his own imagination. On Sunday night, my son wanted to shoot some fireworks into the air. This was his solution: he took a pump rocket toy and taped some thin lightsticks to its side. Then, my mom, Charlie and I went out to the field of my elementary school and shot them into the sky. This is the kind of stuff my son does with his time.

Does he sometimes miss social cues because he gets caught up in his own thoughts or have a hard time controlling his impulses? Definitely. Is he easily distractable at times when not focused? Certainly, but so what? Does he have a hard time listening to instructions, especially when he is bored or not getting enough physical activity? Absolutely!

Is there something wrong with this kid? Of course not!

I look at myself and all the trials and tribulations I had with schooling. I was kicked out of a nursery school. I was suspended for three days from Kindergarten. My visits to the principal's office by Third Grade became almost daily. In Fifth Grade my Hebrew School teacher would have told you that I would eventually go to prison for all the shennigans I put her through. I also struggled with making good friends and felt for most of my schooling that I was completely alone, whether it was riding alone on the bus to school field trips to being the last kid picked for a team in gym class. Fitting in, being accepted, these are things I still struggle with to this day.

It pains me that my elder son is showing signs of the same kind of struggles that I have had in my life; but then again, I know that I'm a fairly well-adjusted person with a loving family, good friends and know deep in my heart that my son is going to be okay as well. We'll do all that we can, as my family has done for me, to make sure he'll be okay. My God, I love my son so much. I love both boys so. I really am so lucky to have them. Thank you, God. Thank you.