To be honest, I’ve felt mostly like a single parent since Jack was born.  At first I thought it was an inherent thing that went along with breastfeeding.  Jack nursed so often and seemed so attached to me – how was it even possible to distribute his care evenly between parents?  Then I was the one washing all the bottles and diapers, cooking dinner, paying bills, putting Jack to bed every night, doing daycare duty, and waking up to comfort him in the middle of the night because I had a shorter commute to work and Joe needed to be rested for school…and I was first in line to take days off when he was sick since I got paid vacation days.  Then there were football Sundays and “I need to get out and hike while there is sun!” days.  I began spending my Sundays with those friends of mine who loved to distract Jack long enough for me to drink a cup of coffee.

When Joe and I went our separate ways, I was actually surprised at how little things changed.  It did free up 3 out of 7 nights of bedtime duty for me.  Other than that, I was still doing all the diaper laundry (until I said I would no longer wash the ones sent with him to his dad’s), responsible for daycare drop off and pick up, and I paid the daycare provider every month, in full, whether the 20% child support check came or not.  I’m still first in line to take a day off when Jack is sick or his daycare is closed; I don’t have the option to say “I can’t.”  So, even though Jack’s dad is very much in his life, I feel like a single parent the majority of the time.

I am sure I contribute to this dynamic in my life.  I always had trouble being assertive in my marriage and I still struggle with this.  I try to avoid conflict, and when it can’t be avoided all of the frustration comes out at one time and isn’t quite productive.  I have thus far avoided getting the state involved in any of the custody and child support issues because I know that Jack’s dad is a good person who is trying to do his best to care for his son.  I know he wishes he could do more and I don’t think it’s fair to cripple him with a wage garnishment order, for instance, when I’m able to make ends meet.

Still, I get tired and have days or weeks where I am at the end of my rope.  I get frustrated that, although I have the lion’s share of responsibilities toward Jack, the times I get to spend with him at home are at the whim of his father’s schedule.  I get upset at myself for ending up in this situation and I wonder if I made the right decisions along the way (did I do the best with the information I had at the time or was I delusional?).  I worry about whether it’s right to lean on David for help and how much responsibility for Jack’s care belongs to him since we live together in a committed relationship.

I know it’s common for parents to go through an adjustment period to figure out division of labor and responsibilities when a child comes into their lives.  Some couples figure out how to balance things and some couples do not.  It gets trickier when there is a divorce and additional parental figures involved; i.e., if I need to work late, who do I call for Jack’s care – the partner I live with or the father who sees Jack only two days a week?  I still don’t know the right answer but it seems to be up to me to figure it out…

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…make only $4.25 per hour

…walk around barefoot exclusively – even outside and in the winter

…play after school sports

…pay only $0.99 per gallon for gas

…wear white leather knee-high boots and bright pink lipstick

…attend a high school where a girl was murdered by the janitor

…support two people on one income of $11 per hour

…wear my cousin’s “Porn Star” shirt

…have a social event scheduled for every night of the week

…attend church and Bible Study and Youth Group

…date a guy who is now in jail

…eat Campbell’s “Cream Of …” soups with water

…write poetry

…think I wouldn’t like living in the city

…sleep in until noon on Saturdays and Sundays

…dislike wine

…think that Jack wasn’t a lot like me

…believe that there is no such thing as soul mates

This post was inspired by Jenny, Julia, and Sarah.

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#102 on my list is “Attend a blogger based social event.”  This is how I convinced myself that it is imperative that I attend BlogHer ‘10.  Well, that and the fact that I’ve never been to New York before (which is really insane because I even have family there).  I registered to attend at the end of February so that I could get the discounted pricing and thank goodness I did!  The conference is sold out now – five months early.  I’ve arranged to room with Jenny, Julia, and Lora, and to be honest I think they are all going to out-party me!  I’m totally up for the challenge, though.

Are you going to BlogHer?  If so, let’s arrange to meet.  For those of you who have been to the BlogHer conference before, can you tell me what I need to bring?  I’m the type to only pack essentials and take as small a suitcase as possible (so that I can carry it on the plane).  The last conference I went to was for Stampin’ Up! back when I was a demonstrator; I attended three of those and had a blast every time.  I may be a convention/conference junkie…

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After spending three hours or so at the car dealership (thank goodness they had a playroom!) Sunday, I thought it was time to reward Jack for all of his good behavior (um, aside from the slightly inappropriate “this looks like a penis” comment he made when inspecting some little rubber piece on the car door).  While our new car was being washed and detailed, we decided to get lunch and head over to Target for a shopping trip.  Jack was jumping and squealing with excitement.  This is the first time I’ve taken him into a store to pick out a toy.  I’m not sure what has taken me so long (other than my abhorrence for shopping with kids)!

After dithering over a few green Transformers (he picked out a Level 2 and I had to locate a level 1), he decided he had

picked out a bad guy and changed his mind completely.  Instead of getting a Transformer, he ended up picking out a Batman motorcycle toy that transforms.

He LOVES his new toy. He has been carrying it around with him and switching it back and forth between the batcycle and the weapon suit over and over. (Don’t try to tell him it’s not a transformer!) 

I was afraid that he would regress on using the potty again once I got him the toy. Luckily, I was ready when he refused to use the potty – I told him he could save up to get Batman’s sidekick and accessories. I’m kinda good at this potty bribery training thing.

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The Fit was nice.  I love the many ways the rear seats could be configured and the car is very comfortable.  It was super easy to get a carseat in the back because I didn’t have to dig for the LATCH anchors.  What kept me from being in love with the car was the somewhat rough acceleration and brakes and the fact that, for being such a small car, the gas mileage isn’t that great.  It fit our needs and budget but I wasn’t sure that I wanted a car I didn’t totally adore.  After the test drive, we left the dealership and headed home (after an unsuccessful attempt at finding the Hyundai dealership) to get ready for a dinner party and contemplate our options.

David and I discussed the car and I admitted I wasn’t in love with the Fit.  Still, I went online and looked at options and submitted a request for a quote.  I received a fantastic quote from a dealership down in Colma and that pretty much sealed the deal.  We made plans to head down Sunday morning and I submitted my application for Honda financing.

We arrived Sunday morning ready to purchase a Fit, only to find out that the dealership was fresh out of the Sport model (the one with the clicky lock button, cruise control, etc.).  The options were to wait a few days for one (which might run us into David’s work start date), buy the base model, or take a look at the Civic.  Much to my surprise, the Civic was actually going for less than the Fit!  Off we went on a test drive and it proved to be a smoother ride and a safer, more comfortable car – Jack’s carseat could go in the middle of the back seat and passengers could still sit comfortably on either side of it.  Not only that, but the gas mileage is better.  It was pretty much a no brainer to make the decision to go with the Civic.  Even though I was giving up a gazillion cup holders, uber-accessible LATCH anchors, better parking options, and a cuter looking car…I was making the more responsible decision by going with something that was safer, better at holding its value, and better for the environment.

Thanks to my awesome credit (of which I am VERY proud), I got super low (1.9%) financing from Honda and bought the car at Invoice.  I didn’t love the Civic immediately but it is growing on me every time I drive it.  I think it helps that Jack named it “Stateboggle” – I feel like I know it better now.    (Also, he pretends it’s a batcar and that it has a crossbow on the front – apparently it is VERY cool!)

Still, I can’t help looking longingly at the parking spaces in which the Fit would, uh, fit.  I guess that’s just part of city life, though!

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Thing 1 – Please go take a look at my new savings.com article about digital scrapbooking and please leave a comment with your feedback.

Thing 2 – Use the following link to hop on over to Savvy Source and save 53% off a membership to the Oakland Zoo (I friggin’ love that zoo!).

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David and I met at the end of August 2009.  When December rolled around, he (and his co-workers) had already taken a pay cut in order to attempt to stay employed.  The paycut didn’t work out so well and layoffs began (I believe David was laid off the day after my birthday).  This was, of course, in the middle of a terrible economic decline that was only going to get worse.  He got a few bites on applications but they disappeared into thin air and then stopped altogether when the economy hit rock bottom.  Things have slowly begun to recover but it’s been a loooooong year.

A few days ago David got a less than good offer from a company in Silicon Valley…hourly pay for a position different from what he applied for that came with a 3 hour RT commute and no medical benefits.  Oh and it would be a two month contract.  In the words of the manager offering him the position, “It’s better than what you have now, right?”  Not only was he left feeling like he was being taken advantage of because of the market, but all of those downsides AND working for a jerk?  So not worth it!  Still, he thought about it.  We talked it over – talked about how to make our separate commutes work with one car and little in the way of public transit options.  We discussed what life would be like for the next few months before the contract ended and he was unemployed again.  His unemployment benefit extensions have run out and his last check was arriving this week.  So of course, the decision was not easy, but David ultimately turned it down because our entire life would be turned upside down for two months of minimal paychecks.  In addition, there was this other job that looked like it was going to come through and it wouldn’t require nearly as much lifestyle rearrangement…

David’s last unemployment check came in the mail yesterday.  Today, he was offered a job.  Full time, salaried, health benefits, permanent employment.  He totally snatched that puppy up!

Tonight we are celebrating the end of this search and doing our version of the money dance.  We’ll say goodbye to self doubt, daily financial strain, and worry over equal contribution in the household.  Starting next week, we get to enjoy living together without the cloud of unemployment hanging over our heads, something we haven’t been able to do for most of our (fairly new) relationship.  We are SO looking forward to the less stressful days ahead!

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There are some things I like about the car – the fact that it’s not super low to the ground and it has some great cargo space (not that I need it usually; even when I was still with Joe, he hauled his stuff in his 2-door Accent).  It also has quite a bit of power for a 4 cylinder.  Beyond that, I pretty much hate it.  It was a mild dislike at first but once Jack came around, it turned into full on hate.

It is NOT family friendly, at least for families with small children.  The middle back is not set up for LATCH, so Jack’s carseat is behind the driver’s side seat.  Since the day his carseat was set to forward-facing, he has kicked the back of that seat incessantly.  Because of the height of the seats in the back and the comparatively low ceiling of the car, there is a lot of head knocking going on – Jack’s and mine.  The LATCH anchors are buried between the seats, as well, meaning even with our nifty and normally easy-to-install Britax, I’ve gotta dig.  (And I would go into more detail about trying to install the Graco SnugRide in the center back with the seatbelts but I might have a heart attack from the memories of frustration.  Let’s just say if you have a Subaru, don’t even bother trying to use the middle back for your carseat.)

The seats themselves are uncomfortable.  Before I drove an Outback, I wasn’t even aware that cars could BE uncomfortable.  These seats are hard, I always feel as if I’m leaning slightly to the right, and my legs start to hurt or fall asleep on long drives – and that was BEFORE I had Jack.  Now my tailbone cries out in agony, as well.

You’d think anyone could fit in a Subaru, wouldn’t you?  My ex-FIL is 6′2″ and had plenty of leg and head room in his wife’s tiny Ford Aspire.  In my Subaru – in the driver’s seat with it scooted all the way back and lowered to the floor of the car – his head touched the ceiling and his legs wouldn’t stretch out.  He drove the car once and ever since rented a (compact!) car when visiting.  No joke.  Also, there should really only be two seats in the back unless the middle person wants to use the other passengers’ laps as extra cushioning.  And this is coming from a slim 5′2″ chick!

I’m not even going to discuss gas mileage.

So, anyway…I’ve wanted a new car for a long time.  I want something that is easier to find a parking space for in this city of parallel parking.  I want something that Jack can easily climb into without slamming his head.  I want something that doesn’t leave me sore after driving, and something that makes it less likely that I will have to pass by parking spaces.  Right now, most signs point to a Honda Fit (that thing is like a transformer car!!!).  I’m open to suggestions, though.  And I’d love to hear any “AVOID THIS CAR” stories from other parents out there.  (Especially if you can help me rag on the Subaru.)

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