Ex-Courtesan in Transition (again)

Adieu

2011-06-15T22:28:00.000-07:00

Alas, dear and constant readers...it's come time to delete this blog. In the past, I've been sad when folks have disappeared without notice so wanted to be take a bit of time to say my goodbyes. Guess I've kinda been kinda done these past few months with my silence here.

Life simply changed.

I wanted to say my official goodbye to y'all, though...so will have it up for a bit longer in case old readers stop here by chance.

It's been fun. It was vital for the times it served. Thanks all for being great friends, contacts and compatriots in this wild and wooly blogland.

Much love to all of you. If you want to stay in contact, email me through my profile.

In the meantime...

Blessings abounding.

-Gillette

Pondercations...

2011-04-03T22:29:00.000-07:00

It's funny to me to look at all this blog was...and how, in so may ways, it was a searching for my now.

When I found something of meaning...a purpose...a path wherein I could commit all I am to action for the planet.. all the rest kinda falls away. It simply doesn't matter in the face of what I'm doing today.

I was so lost in my stories. No more. My redemption has been finding a North Star.

Feeling very blessed.

Eyes open, walk with balance.

2011-03-26T20:36:00.000-07:00

What's Up

2011-03-19T16:52:00.000-07:00

I've become quite political. Quite. If you are interested in finding out what I'm up to please contact me through the site. Other than that, not sure of the future of this blog. It may be time to delete it. Sometimes I'm sad and a tad nervous when I look at the world. I'm also extremely excited about all the upheaval and people standing up.

Very, very happy that I am doing something about it, too. Very.

I listen to this for inspiration almost every day....enjoy!!

OhMyOhGoodnessGollyGee...

2011-01-14T16:07:00.000-08:00

Time flies. No words to say here in months. I come to check for comments, think to write but have nothing to say.

Life's been beyond busy. I'm working, creating a new life, a bit behind on my Sex Coaching certification but working it. Right now I'm at the ocean with a group of 12 women. Great energy, wonderful food, tons of wisdom, lots of laughs.

Life is good, hope the same for you. Hope to have energy, time and something to say soon.

xox

Interesting Boundary Adventures

2010-09-23T14:43:00.000-07:00

And why it's so important for my emotional wellbeing to have clarity.

Awhile back, a good friend referred someone to me as I told her I was curious about the possibility of having a few, discreet, referral-based "massage with a happy ending" clients. This guy sounded like a good candidate: older, married gentleman with a slight disability. He's been married for 20ish years and his wife has decided it's time to be celibate. He's not ready.  My friend said he'd be easy to massage (because of the disability). Then a nice hand job at the end would do him just fine.

Ok, says I. He and I can meet. I told my friend to give him my phone number and call me when he was ready.

He calls. We meet to talk. Turns out he's not looking for just a massage with a happy ending. He wants to build a full on mistress relationship. I suggest the possibility of doing the massage thing while we build a friendship. He says that might be a possibility.

We kinda sorta connect. I leave thinking...well...not too exciting but, at this point, I think I could grow to like, then love, this person with time. He's intelligent, interesting. Owns an art gallery and I love art, so we definitely have that as common ground. He invites me to see the art in his gallery....

...which is in his house.

The one he shares with this wife.

The more I sit with this, the more uncomfortable I feel.

I tell him I don't want to visit. He suggests I come when his wife is out of town. I still feel uncomfortable, but leave my body (as I sometimes/often do, it seems) and abandon what I feel comfortable with because here is a man in need and I am trying to create connection to see if I can (want to) provide a service I'm good at.

I visit, then go out of town for a couple of weeks. Upon my return I notice I'm not calling him back. But those thoughts flit through my mind, as uncomfortable things often do.

Other things flit up. But these twitchies, too, flit through. Easier to focus on being happy and not going there. Like somehow fairies will wave their wands and it will be figured out without me having to expend any energy or figure myself out.

The days pass. I talked to him briefly on my way back out of town last week. I return Tuesday but don't call him as I said I would. He's on my "to do" list.   Gee...I..." forgot."

...until last night, when I saw the friend who introduced us. She asks how it's going and says a few things more. After I shared with her that for some reason "he gives me the creeps," she shared back that he told her he doesn't think this will work out. He had shared he was getting frustrated when we spoke last week so I was not in the least surprised.

I felt (and continue to feel) utter and complete freedom in my body...relief that I haven't felt when I ponder him since we first met. For whatever reason, our conversation opened the door to me being able to get clear with myself around him and ground all what I'd been allowing to flit. I came up with these major points as I wrote in an email to the woman who introduced us:

"1- He has helped me see that I didn't communicate clearly about calling him and going to his house. I don't want to call his house. I've told him that numerous times. His response is always to assure me that it is OK...to just call and act like a customer.

I don't care if he's comfortable with me calling him...that's not my issue...it's that I don't feel comfortable and I don't want to call his house. So it's hard for me to get a hard on about calling him. :)...and every time I do I feel I'm abandoning myself.

One of my boundaries around sleeping with a married man and getting paid is that I have to draw lines for myself. I have one around stepping into his wife's sacred space. I consider a home a sacred space...especially for women. I felt like I violated his wife by being there, wanted to leave the whole time I was there and buried my feelings. I feel I violate their shared life when I call. I felt icky about that...I feel icky about it now. It's just one of my "things." Doesn't matter to me if he is OK with it, doesn't matter to me if his wife knows or not. I do. It's an energy thing for me. It's a matter of integrity with my Self. I crossed my line.

I believe the biggest part of my "he gives me the creeps" feeling is that I had not been clear enough in myself and with him about that boundary. Because I was not honoring myself and allowed him to talk me out of it when I told him of my discomfort, I unconsciously dishonored myself so then felt dishonored by him. Hence he "gave" me the creeps...but he really didn't, I was projecting onto him my self abandonment.

2- Another has to do with money. Since this was a new consideration for me AND I didn't even know what the consideration was AND I was in flux around pay scale, I was having a difficult time coming up with a "fee" structure with him.

And how did I feel about that? I've learned enough to know that I have to feel that I'm being paid well as a mistress to want to open my body to someone in this work. I asked you if he had money. You said no, but I wonder about that given the car in his driveway, his home and all the stuff in it, etc.

So then I started the internal conversation around...since you say he doesn't have much money, do I want to give him a discounted rate? All the shit about men in the past not wanting to pay well, or "testing a few times for free first" came up (not that he suggested anything...we hadn't talked money...my issues flared). All my head stuff about what can our small town market afford came up. What's reasonable? Do I put him in the surrogate catagory? I've got the sex coaching thing, surrogate, mistress things all down, but had no clue what to do in this with him given all the parameters and considerations crossing and mixing catagories does for me.

All places, again, where I had to learn first by abandoning myself then retracking/redefining years ago came up. It all got triggered. No wonder I was flitting! :)

What I've come to is that it seems like what he wants is what I would put in a mistress catagory. I would not want to share my body as a mistress for any less than $XXXX a day. He gets to decide if he sees me for one hour or five. If there is travel or it's much more than that or an overnighter, I would want more as it's a bit less than what I ask for with the others.

I am clear that if it's safe, I am still interested in doing hand job massages or one of those Kashmiri massages I gave you long ago. They are clear, clean and defined. I will do them for a sliding scale of $XXX-XXX for an hour and a half. No touching me sexually. If things were to develop more as time went on and relationships built, then that would be something, but I'm not ready to dive into ambiguity from the get go, meet for hours on end with no gifting and no clarity on where it might go."

I see him for lunch tomorrow to tell him all this so that I can have closure and we can see if there are other alternatives available for him.

It's interesting having boundaries, clarity and such as issues again. Coming up here, there and everywhere in Gilletteland, not just within my life but those I love, as well. I appreciate the learning I'm getting from my personal adventures and theirs. I am loving being able to witness how they deal with it with their differing perspectives, how they work it..then I get to bounce it off my hits on it and learn even more.

On Telling Your Beloved, Partner, Spouse, Fiance, Etc. About Your Sex Work

2010-09-14T23:02:00.000-07:00

This is a post I've wanted to write for years, just never got around to it. There has been an unusually high number of women contacting me lately for mentoring so it's been on my mind, again, as it's an important piece for people considering this line of work.

Do I tell the person I want a deep, intimate, lifelong, committed relationship with about my sex work?

I don't look at this from a moralistic standpoint. My viewpoint is more practical. I certainly understand that life isn't tidy or black and white.  My thoughts are probably controversial, but I've felt remiss in not sharing them as one voice to consider that runs counter to most of what the culture might suggest (gee, imagine that :) ). I'll do my best to be brief.

I am 100% for being honest about it.   There are many reasons, but I'll focus only on a few in this post, because for me, these considerations are so huge that all else kind of pales next to them.

The first is an energetic of self love and esteem. Why would I want to be with someone who wouldn't accept all of me? I wouldn't want to be in relationship with the kind of person who would judge any part of who I've been or am now. I don't want a relationship where I am afraid to be all of myself from the get go-- I put myself square in a place of disempowerment. Why would I want a man who required I hide and disappear parts of myself in order for him to love me?  I am not willing to abandon myself that way.

The second has to do with intimacy. The reason I want a deep, committed relationship is to be close, really close to someone. I don't need a partner to feel validated. I don't need someone to live with because I feel lonely. I want commitment and truth and open heartedness. The only way to that deep intimacy is by telling the truth, being as transparent as I can at every moment. If I have a big secret (and hiding sex work is a huge one), I will always have a wall between me and my partner that will never allow for the deep intimacy I want.   So...why bother starting a relationship by sabotaging it from the start?

A third has to do with honoring myself and my partner. If I want my partner to tell me the truth, I dishonor myself and her/him by not being truthful myself. Again..not moralistic in terms of a "should" because I'm "bad," but a matter of honor and inner integrity.

Finally...there is about a 98% chance they will eventually find out. When they do, even if they would have been OK with the sex work, they will most likely never trust you again.

Are you ready to look at yourself in the mirror every day?

I think we do so much to ourselves and our relationships out of fear. We think we are protecting ourselves and our partners by withholding the truth. We can become so afraid, we tell ourselves all sorts of stories to keep ourselves safe. Sometimes it takes making a number of mistakes before we figure out how we want to walk in the world. Sometimes we are uncomfortable with our choices so project out the ambivalence about what we're doing on our partners. It's not easy living a life of truth...sometimes we don't get what we want.

I understand the reasons. I do. But I will invite those who stop by here and read these words to consider the possibility that wanting to keep secrets is a sign that there's something inside our hearts that wants looking at and/or tending to.

No matter what your choice, I wish you well.

2010-09-12T15:19:00.000-07:00

From Sex Over Seventy, a film by Gina Margillo. Love this.

All of Me: Sex Over Seventy by Gina Margillo from San Francisco School of Digital on Vimeo.

2010-08-21T18:03:00.000-07:00

Heard a great one today from Alison Armstrong:

If I want lifelong partnership, I have to be willing to have this person break my heart over and over, again and again (just not in the same way.)

Women's Libido Drop

2010-08-09T14:57:00.000-07:00

While there are many contributing factors and I see many a future post on this subject, there are a few considerations that keep popping in right now.

One is to ask a woman who feels like she's lost her libido if she would appreciate and go for an hour (or hour and a half) "nonsexual" full body massage if it was gifted to her.

If so, what is the emotional difference for her between a full body massage and making love?

The other is an observation I've made about many women in relationships where they lose their juice and don't want sex. When they divorce, they magically start to feel sexy, alive and horny.

How can lower libido be attributed to hormones or "just what happens when we age" when it returns with relationship changes?

Those Raging Hormones Pt. 2

2010-08-01T15:27:00.000-07:00

Yes...hormones affect us. But they are not the cause of all our emotional baggage. They are simply uncovering what's already there.

Us.

Women: Our bodies, our hormones are NOT our enemies. Seeing them as such only perpetuates the war we have waged with our bodies our whole lives: weight issues, beauty issues, how to dress, wear makeup, alter our bodies, etc...and always, always it's not enough. We are never enough.

But, in my opinion, none of these casualties of that war are more insidious than this one: we are taught, bit by bit, to abandon our knowing. We are told that there is a split between the body and the mind, the body and the heart.

We are trained at home, in school, on the various screens of modern life, in music, and any sort of media we encounter to ignore the signals of our bodies. We eat on schedule, shit on schedule, rush to work, told kiss our creepy uncle good night, be nice when we want to hit the bully, wear what our mothers want us to wear, told when to go to bed.

When we are older our friends and "the they" dictate the rules. And even though the rules are usually unspoken, we bend to them, focusing on the sparklies out there to attain (fame, house, car, job, love at any cost, etc.) in a very mental, goal setting, tick off the accomplishments MO. The more we move through life, the more we lose the ability to tune into our intuition because it's not valued as much as linear thinking. We are shamed when we feel, so we bury our pain.

We disconnect.

By the time we've gone through PMS, post-partum depression, SAD and not listened, perimenopause starts amping up the messages. If we continue on the disconnected course we've always followed, what's been buried starts to scream to be heard.

If we are irritable, it's because we have a low grade anger. If we are depressed, our body is asking us to look at the reasons why- maybe it's anger turned in...maybe it's not having told a truth to ourselves, maybe it's something else. If we are easily pushed to rage, it's because we're filled with unspoken rage. We are confused, scared at ourselves, in pain around changes and fears of aging in a world that doesn't see us. We don't know what's going on because no one's talking about it. We are given pills that can "silence" the truths (maybe...for awhile). We don't know what to ask, who to ask or how to ask it.

It is my sincere desire to start the discussion more.

Our bodies are trying to tell us something...trying to get us to look at our lives and tell some deep truths to ourselves before we miss this glorious window of opportunity to rediscover our creative potential.

Your body isn't trying to attack you or make our life miserable. It's trying to communicate with you in the only way the deep unconscious knows how: through your emotions. When dealing with deep unconscious stuff, judging it, shaming it, burying it NEVER transmutes it. When you listen to the message it's screaming, then take concrete baby steps to honor it, the symptoms can loosen and lessen.

Maybe not immediately. It may take time, effort, creating unfamiliar boundaries, putting yourself FIRST no matter what and focusing on emotional and physical health for a year or so. It will take commitment to yourself. It most assuredly will contain risk. Important things usually do.

What have you forgotten? What parts of yourself have you put aside to keep the peace? What dreams did you have long ago that were never fulfilled? Does your partner touch you in the ways you want to be touched? Are you ready to move into deeper intimacy and a new kind of relationship? Do you need to take some time for yourself every day to find out who you are now? How have you helped create the conditions of your life that you now want to change?

Instead of getting upset with yourself and "life," why not celebrate the ways in which the brain is being rewired for Rebirthing a New YOU? Think about it..for the first time in history, we are educated, successful, potentially healthier than ever (well, at least times we know of). We have more options available to us than any generation of women before us. We have wisdom and experience that the years give us. The world is opening up to women of our certain age in ways that weren't possible even ten years ago.

And to top it off, our unconscious is closer to the veil than at any other time in our lives...reconnecting to our intuition in ways not available to us when we were younger (chemically; culturally because we don't care any more). We have access to SO much potential we can't even begin to imagine where we can go, be, do, create.

What's NOT to celebrate?   You, we are part of a tremendous evolutionary movement going on right now where we get to redefine ourselves as women and a planet. These are very juicy times!!

(Not to be too incredibly cheesy, but...) Every journey begins with one step. In my opinion, it's a HUGE leap to start to re-envision this time as Juicy Opportunity and Teacher rather than the enemy's signal to shrivel up and become invisible. I'm not saying it's easy. We may have to make choices that rock some boats and leave us in uncharted territory. But just by turning the head just a smidge for a different view, we can shift everything. There is support out there. I'm intending for this blog to be a place for connection for those who want to embrace this time and ReJuicify Their Sexy Selves.

2010-07-30T12:37:00.001-07:00

Life got busier than I though it would..and now off to a Patron tryst. Will post over the weekend...of which I wish you a wonderful one!!!!

Those Raging Hormones, Pt. 1

2010-07-28T17:29:00.000-07:00

I want to share some new information that changed the way I look at myself as an aging woman.

We (even I used to) have this idea that we are moody because our hormones are doing it to us. They make us cranky. They puff us up. They make us lose our libidos, dry us up, ruin our bodies and turn us into women we (and those around us) can't recognize, much less understand.

I won't deny nor will I disagree that hormones affect us. They do. But just as New Science tells us that our DNA does not fix our destinies (but rather is run by other factors such as emotions, stress and other stuff), it also informs us that the hormones that rage (or don't) through our bodies just might not be the whole story behind all these symptoms.

Study after study is now coming out that tells another story when the data are interpreted with different parameters.

Did you know that women with hysterectomies have been known to have symptoms of menopause 20+ years after their operations...while on hormone replacement therapy? I didn't. Are you aware that studies show that women who have many of the more adverse symptoms of menopause have no higher hormone levels in their bodies than women who experience few to no symptoms? I didn't. Did you know that some women are the horniest they've ever been once they start menopause? I did know that.

If it's only the hormones causing all this, what's going on?

More and more, research is telling us that it's not simply the hormones. It's a combination of how the hormones affect the different parts of the brain, existing brain chemistry, STRESS and our unique responses to it that determine how a woman will feel during perimenopause.

The most exciting piece I discovered is how hormones affect the brain. All the hormones that are dominant in the reproductive period of life are geared toward creating a chemical proclivity for balance and peace. Opioids are released, literally covering up the paths to our memories. These affect the "primitive" brain- the temporal lobe, the amygdyla, the hippocampus...all places of our deep unconscious stuff. We literally put not only our lives, but also our feelings, on hold to create a safe and secure hearth and home for our progeny....even if we don't have any.

When we start our hormonal shifts (whether during PMS, postpartum depression or perimenopause), those hormones are no longer dominant.. Others that trigger the unconscious areas of the brain increase. Fewer opioids mean memories and the subconscious stuff not dealt with in the past are no longer buried. When we are stressed in life, whether from outer shaiza in our lives or simply because we respond intensely to life, a feedback loop ensues: We get stressed...which affects our hormones...which brings us more stress...which affects us even more.

So...yes...hormones affect us. But they are not the cause of all our emotional baggage. They are simply uncovering what's already there.

Us.

More tomorrow....

picture from here

For The Shut Down Women

2010-07-27T20:48:00.000-07:00

Years ago I was a midwife. I felt aligned with women and women's issues. I've been in countless women's groups, started a women's group, led workshops for women.

Then I got interested in working with men.

I made a profession of trying to be of service for men in marriages where the woman had shut down. Actually, I'm still in it. But my heart is stirring in another direction. Has been for awhile. But lately with all this learning and simmering I've been doing offblog, I'm giving it more of a face, fleshing it out.

I am completeing the circle and coming back home to women. This is where I feel called right now.

I want to work with any woman-- lesbian, bi, hetero, whatevero, single or married, poly or monogamous or any permutation/combo of whatever--who wants to wake up after shutting herself down. I want to be with these women, "midwifing" them now as they wake up to their aliveness and embrace their sparkly selves once again. I want to play with the ones who want to dance and sing and recreate themselves to even greater "thems" that they were before.

A dear friend once asked me what kind of meaning I could make of all the choices I'd made over these last few years if things didn't work out as I hoped they would. I don't know. I can't know The Truth of it cuz who the heck can explain the mysteries of why bad things happen? I do know that it sure helps when trying to climb out of a dark pit hole to make a positive meaning of it. So here goes one version that seems to be adding to my juiciness and excitement:

What I do know is that I shut down in just about every way possible. I had a vision that wasn't manifesting. I lost my trust in the universe. I made stories about the what's and why's of my Inner Voice leading me down this path. And while I've been able to see huge gifts in the shifts from all the pain, much of my focus was totally victim based at the time. I felt abandoned by all I believed in. It ripped me to my core, ruined my health, depressed me. I more than dimmed myself down- I became a shadow, hiding from mySelf, my family and my community.

I'm still not completely out of that spiral yet. I've been saying I feel like a toddler for the past few months. This week, I feel like I'm in first grade, hoping not to be sent back to pre-school. I just got news on Saturday that would have sent me into a canyon of despair this time last year. But the inner work I've been doing has done its magic. I take two steps forward, one back...but the balance is that the accumulation of all I've been doing over the course of the last year is starting to multiply exponentially.

I've been called a "Wounded Healer."   Embarrassed me, but there it is. For those who aren't familiar with that term, it means a really fucked up person who finds a way to heal themselves and then shares what they've learned with others. I believe one of the gifts of this Dark Night Times was to have first hand experience of, once again, climbing out of the darkness. This is not the first time I shut down. I did it in my late 20's to mid 30's. It seems I am a slow learner, getting opportunity to revisit the chapters on the syllabus when I missed class the first time around. One of the things that's helped is to find that place of trust again..that somehow our lives lead us on a path. And that what we have in front of us is a gift.

I've been doing lots of healing work in all sorts of areas: mind, body and spirit. The Feminine Power course has been a final jumpstart.* Such a wonderful gift of realizations, practices and ways of re-envisioning juicy ways of Life and my place in it. It's about reconnecting and/or finding our unique contributions to The Whole (which are contained in our heart's dreams), then embodying new ways of creating them from a Feminine source. I'm learning so much. Just today I identified that it's time to re-embrace being the Leader I've always been told I am. I think I'm ready to step in, but now more fully in genuine power from what I've learned.

I'm excited about being on the ground floor of women re-envisioning themselves. On the course, there are quite a few women deciding to start a blog as a means of reaching others with their vision.  Whenever I hear someone say that I think...wow...I've been doing this now for five years. I started with one intent- to talk about my Courtesan Days.** I then shifted and it became a journal. I'm now going to direct it along another new path: reaching out to Awakening Women more. It'll still have the usual diversity of topics as I like to write about lots of stuff, but I'm happy to have this platform already intact.

Tomorrow's post is on hormones and menopause.

*Really cannot recommend this course enough. If you are a woman who has dreams and feels a gap in your ability to realize them, then please, take this course and do the work. If you do, it WILL transform you in ways you can't imagine possible. A new session starts August 11.

**Also starting to have these ideas about sex work being fully reclaimed by women. That somehow it's been co-opted and fucked up by the system...and that if we, as women, re-embrace the power of our bodies used in service to sexual healing..and supporting our sisters in it...what that could/would do for our cultures. But..that's another topic for another post.

And....

2010-07-21T14:23:00.000-07:00

Just when I thought there was no way life would get busier...it did. And then some.

Living, loving, learning. Taking two amazing online courses. One is for my inner life..and WOW...talk about the speed of life shiftings and changes!!! Wow. I've been doing this growth thing for three decades and the information has evolved to a place with these two women that is astounding. Wow. If you are a woman, I highly recommend checking out The Keys To Feminine Power. If you happen to stop by here within the next few hours, they are having a free intro talk tonight. Go Listen. It will change yor life. It is for 1000 women all over the world right now. Wow.

The other is for getting a real live professional certificate for my coaching gig. Cool. Met a new woman who's going to take it with me as I mentor her in being a Surrogate Partner and Courtesan/Escort (she hasn't decided which yet). My BFForever and I are working together, giving talks to our community on things like Sex as a Spiritual Path, Rejuicifying Your Sexy Self (for women), Eco-Sexuality, Polyamory...way cool. Doing some coaching. Think my new Patron will stick around but not entirely sure as he has a specific intention for our time together and he may be well on his way to fulfilling that. One never knows.

Kids are good. It's been hellish hot here but cooler today. Life is good.

Wow

2010-07-12T13:18:00.001-07:00

Long, long time no tappy.

Life's been full and no time to write now. Funny....some people think we never change. But we do.

More sooner or later.

Tantra-by Dawn Cartwright

2010-06-24T10:10:00.000-07:00

Loved this Facebook post by Dawn so wanted to share it here. If you live in the LA area, I highly recommend her courses/events. She also offers virtual trainings. Truly a gem of a teacher. You can find her link below on my sidebar or simply click here.

Tantra & Sexuality

The realm of sexual desire, expression and fulfillment is full of mystery. Part of what makes the experience of sex so extraordinary is that it doesn’t follow rules of logic. Sex is one of the most creative experiences human beings ever have.

The journey from desire to sexual expression is extraordinarily pleasurable, astonishingly beautiful and, at times, exquisitely excruciating as the feelings inside our bodies begin to take us over. These feelings, borne of instinct and emotion, seem to have an intelligence of their own. An intelligence that, if we have the courage to allow it, brings fulfillment beyond anything we could ever have imagined. Our sexual feelings, when given full expression, birth a new experience of ourselves, of those we love, and the world we live in; an experience that is fulfilling, not only physically, but emotionally and spiritually as well.

Because of the intensity and rawness that can often accompany sexual desire and expression, there is a tendency to suppress or attempt to manage and control these feelings. Fears of losing control, or not being met in our desire, can arise, so we dampen our sexual feelings through over working, over eating, becoming ill, etcetera. In some cases the feelings of sexual desire may be so strong and the internal conflict so intense that the feelings of sexual pleasure become feelings of depression, anger and rage rather than feelings of warmth and excitement.

Few of us have ever allowed ourselves to feel the pure intensity of our sexuality. Fewer still, have ever allowed the full expression of this intensity. Yet, in many there is a curiosity, a desire that is, at its roots, the very same desire as the desire for sex, a desire to let go completely into the mystery of life, to begin the journey that goes beyond logic, to taste the fulfillment we sense awaits us, to allow the full expression of our inner knowing.

The meditations, practices and techniques of Tantra bring us into closer contact with our sexual desire and full expression. Tantra opens the door to the life changing transformation this freedom brings. Along the way, it is important to remember, the journey from desire to expression is not logical, therefore it is not linear. The journey of sexual discovery is truly spontaneous. In this way, you must trust the unfolding of your experience as the perfect path toward your own fulfillment and remember, choose to feel rather than suppress, manage or control whatever arises, even if it looks drastically different from your idea of how sex should look.

You are invited to join me this summer as I embark on a journey full of intensity and rawness, love and pleasure . . .

The journey of sexuality from desire to fulfillment is an exploration of our potential. It opens us to a new way of being with each other, the world and ourselves. Our sexuality contains our purity within it.

It is my wish that this journey reveal to you the mysteries, not only of sex, but of life itself. This is how it is happening for me. It’s a journey that is sometimes beautiful, sometimes painful. It’s a journey I wouldn’t miss for anything because it has opened my eyes to life I only dreamed would be possible. Your sexuality is the seed of your awakening. Nourish it.

I look forward to seeing you very soon.

Much love, Dawn Cartwright

Faces Of The Divine Feminine Video

2010-06-23T07:45:00.000-07:00

What a gorgeous video. Wow.

Sex As A Spiritual Path

2010-06-21T17:23:00.000-07:00

My definition of spirituality is simple. It's how we answer the Big Questions of life and then walk through our lives in relation to how we answer them.

This may or may not include a religious affiliation. It is inclusive and broad in its definition.

When I consider Sex as a Spirit Path, two broad topics come to mind. One has to do with experiences and practices which directly and consciously connect us with the cosmic energy that runs through all of creation. The other is how sex is both a reflection of and a tool for opening to our deeper, spiritual selves/psyches. Or, in other words, how the stories we tell ourselves about our sex lives affects us.   These two topics are intricately entwined in theory, practice and experience.

I'd like to focus on the first topic for this post: the aspect of using sex as a vehicle for direct connection to divine energy. There are actually many spiritual paths that use sexual energy as a part of their practices. As this is a blog post (so hopefully shorter than a book) and as I am most familiar with Tantra, I'll use it as an example for this short, surface, lightweight discussion.

I've always considered orgasmic energy to be the energy of the creative life force. I believe this energy is coursing through our bodies at all times. We feel it in differing ways and with different intensities at different times.

Why don't we feel it all the time? Emotional trauma results in fear. Fear dampens the energy until we block it off entirely. This results in less life force moving through us. Emotional coping mechanisms to combat the fear overlay our true natures.  Physical dis-ease is created by and creates more blockage.

Tantric work is about re-opening those energetic pathways. When we have sex, we are happy. Hormones and lovely endorphines are released. When the energy flows more, we breathe more deeply. Oxygen infuses the cells and they can more readily return to their healthy state. Once our cells are retrained, the body opens more. As the body opens, the psyche shifts. As the psyche shifts, the emotional pathways clear even more. A positive feedback loop is created. And while the work is never done, we find ourselves opening and operating from a different perspective and place of wholeness. Eventually we can return to that place of feeling life force in our bodies while walking around every day.

Once practitioners start to open those pathways, they can train the energy to recirculate through the body, creating a loop of energy that revitalizes and heals. In Tantra, the goal of all the practices are to open the two of the major columns/cords of energy that culminate in the chakra energy at different points. (not really, but it's a blog post :) )The theory is that when they are clear, a third middle cord (called the Sushumna) opens, the kundalini rises and enlightenment occurs.

Some branches of Tantra believe that all that is more likely to happen when a man and woman come together in ritual sex called "Maithuna." In that ceremony, the two come together as partners of embodied Shakti and Shiva (male and female aspects of divinity).   The intention, the ritual, the slow, rhythmic pulsating of the sexual union combined with the the circulating of the energy between partners are all dedicated to the Divine within and traveling to the corners of the universe.

In the esoteric practice of Maithuna, the ritual is highly structured, led by a guru. The guru assigns partnering dyads, his followers may not have engaged in sex any other times than in ritual space. In the more modern forms of Tantra, there aren't those constraints. Ritual Sex can be anywhere, any time two come together in open hearted presence. In fact, amazing experiences and sensations can result without intention or ritual on anyone's part.

Why God Won't Go Away is a book about the brain's response during religious experiences. The authors share their data which shows that sexual orgasm and ecstatic spiritual experiences share the same initial neuronal pathway. It seems we are hardwired for creation to flow through us and to experience it.

Sighs...we aren't always connected to our motherboards :). We lose our way. When I am feeling my connection to God/goddess/whatever, I feel alive and sexy. When I feel disconnected from Source, my yoni shuts down. Amazing sex can alter us and our vision of what these bodies are possible of.

For me, sex is the ultimate in humanity's ability to connect with each other. It's not just a penis in a vagina...or a cock in a mouth...or whatever permutations we find ourselves in. I am excited about the possibility of a paradigm shift where sex is truly celebrated and honored for its place as one of the most profound, spiritual acts we can engage in. Our bodies are tremendous gifts and blessings.

To share those gifts and blessings??? Wowzabowza and Holy Camoly...that we can touch, kiss, embrace and enfold each other...wow...that we enter and be entered by another human, sharing in the most exquisite blissness on the planet...just wow.

How can sex not be spiritual?

Ponderings June 2010

2010-06-11T14:13:00.000-07:00

I read yesterday that not only are bees and feesh numbers going down, but now snakes are being added to the list. Talked to a friend and she said she's noticing turtles and frogs aren't around any more where they were plentiful.

I keep myself conscious of all that's going on. Just yesterday I listened to this show on Fresh Air on a new documentary called "Gasland." Yet, another, way in which we are raping the land. I had no clue that water could be lit on fire from the effects on the earth of drilling for gas. It seeps into streams. It ends up coming out of faucets. One town showers with their lights off to avoid a possible spark turning their bathing time into their death chamber.  Just how does one put out a fire if the water you use fuels it? And the "powers that be" just keep on rolling.

I've grieved. I've lived in the semi-denial stage for years...aware, acting, but not really.  Recently went through the anger stage. Again. Moved through bargaining as I don't think much of what we do now will really stop the tide of a process that's gone too far to reverse.

I don't say that as a cynic. It's simply "it is what it is" for me. Reminds me of years ago when I was a midwife. I sat in shock, listening to someone talk about going in to get part of their colon removed so that they could continue to eat only white bread and meats... no veggies or fruits or whole grains. I realized I had to accept and continue to find compassion for our fear around change, even though it's killing us.

I think I've moved past depression, but I keep wanting to spread the news because I appreciate when others do for me. I am trying to do my part to build what I believe to be the power of a conscious collective. Not to wallow...but to move through the grief with awareness into the next step, whatever that means. And I don't know what that means. I accept the probability that we cannot stop what's coming. But I do believe we can lay the groundwork for what comes out of it.

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After some egoic resistence and fear about being an "out there" Sex Coach, I've amped it up in my community. I'm putting out the word more. We (my therapist partner and I) are starting to give free hour talks on the subject. I hand out business cards. I put up flyers. We are going to advertise on our community radio. The private coaching is doing OK. I've expanded into another office in our closest "big" city.

In the past, when the business reached this level, I'd sort of back down a bit from it in fear of being "out there." I am watching the interesting shifts that have been in the winds. I've been contacted by a wonderful women in our town who wants mentoring. I've been contacted by a health collective who wants me to be in their roster. I keep putting one foot in front of the other, trusting that if this is "my path" things will keep showing up.

They have. I now have a new Courtesan client, too....even though I've not been looking. We start next week.

I keep getting on a deep level that my work may now be with women. I'm trying to figure out what that looks like....full circle of the midwife/women's circle thingie? Had an intuitive flash that maybe the Courtesan work has/had to do with learning men. Now that I know men pretty well, I can be with women more holistically as they consciously return to their juicy bodies??? As odd as it sounds I believe that women embracing our juicy selves and cunts, celebrating our orgasms at every age is good for the planet. More on that soon.

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In my myriad of teleseminars and online courses, I ran across a wonderful interview of Anodea Judith. You can find it here...it's the second one listed.

Toward the end of the recording, she tells the story of the caterpillar and the butterfly. I did a search to check the scientific validity of it. Although this was the first time 'dI heard it as the latest and greatest story, I saw that it's all over the net as a new metaphor for those who feel the changes coming and want to participate in the conscious transformation of whatever is on its way. It makes me happy:

A catterpillar is born. It grows and grows, eating everything in sight until it's bloated and can hardly move any more.

When it goes into a crysalis phase, it begins to form what scientists call "imaginal cells." At first, they are not recognized by the body of the caterpillar so they are attacked. It isn't until they start to band together in increasing numbers that the immune system gives up. It is these imaginal cells that form the body of the butterfly out of the juices of the caterpillar.

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And so sometimes I wonder in these wild and wooly times, when all is kinda falling apart....and me wanting so much to find my personal imaginal cell's contribution in these crysalis times: How/what can I do?  What are my gifts? Even though I may think they are one thing, perhaps I've been hiding in safety. Maybe what's required of me is to step out into the immune system's sphere in HUGE ways that sometimes scare the shit out of me. One reminder when I start to breathe shallowly these days is that I am finding way more likeminded cells to band with. Focusfocusfocus on this and "just keep swimming."

I've so appreciated learning I'm not the only person who has been feeling this restlessness around knowing deep in my core I'm supposed to be doing "more." I've come to ask if this conscious sex discussion is really where it's at for me. At this point, I'm truly not sure if I'm more afraid of moving forward and failing or moving forward and "succeeding." Probably because I don't know how to define either outcome.

Coaching Men Question

2010-06-05T13:11:00.000-07:00

Awhile back I asked women a question. Got great feedback. And now I am asking the men but with a slightly different focus.

If you were going to a free one hour talk on sexuality, what topic would interest you enough to make you want to atttend?

Thanks.

Walking In My Park

2010-06-01T11:36:00.000-07:00

My park is in the middle of our fair town. I walk here most every day. I've walked here for years.

There are even Tree Goddesses

I love my park.

We have our usual routes- turn left, walk along the path, cross the creek, return along another. Or, turn right, go along the pool, over by the kid area, return along the creek. We find little sleeping trails that the homeless use to nab their favorite places to bed down for the night. There are special trees in some places- cork oaks in one area, an old walnut orchard, a place we call The Skinny Forest because the trees are spindly. There are areas where grape vines float down. Other places, the vines create a canopy. Different smellies fill the air. Woodpeckers peck. Jays squawk.

I love my park. It's where I envisioned being a courtesan, created my particular form of it. I've laughed out loud there, cried many tears. I've done chakra breathing exercises with my eyes closed while walking. I've om'ed, chanted, sung. I even heard Amazing Grace played on a set of bagpipes one early morning, the dawning sun filtering through the trees. That was amazing- felt touched by God. My park is a place of healing for me.

Today we took one of our usual path but went the opposite way on it. Everything was different. Altered. We both felt like it was a different park. I thought, wow...when I look at something with a different perspective the world is new.

Truths are mirrored everywhere I walk.

2010-05-31T09:59:00.000-07:00

Blame talk: You always criticize me.

Conscious heart talk: I commit to seeing you as my ally.

These days I use Facebook as more of an information disseminator to rally the masses and embrace our power as a collective. But I also am a "fan" or "liker" of several inner growth pages. So I get to receive little gems like the one above from Gay and Kathlyn Hendricks.

That statement holds so much for me. It shows me the ways in which I unconsciously create an energetic wall when I feel a pattern of being criticized. I use it as an excuse to keep myself apart from deep, healing, openhearted relationship. When I shift to seeing the other as an ally, the wall morphs to a highly permeable membrane. With time and depth it focuses and becomes a portal to the light.

Yes.

A Rant And A Requiem For The Gulf Fiasco

2010-05-26T23:36:00.000-07:00

We must have offshore drilling to decrease our dependency on the middle east. Yet the oil pumped gets thrown on the world market and not directly into the US.   ???   Could it possibly be that the only people really benefitting from offshore drilling are the oil companies? Oh...and Halliburton?

We don't want Big Government ruling business, putting all sorts of controls on where to, how to, when to, what to blahblahblah. Too many regulations ruin business...that would be socialist, or "unamerican." Evil, right?

Yet when Big Business fucks up, all of a sudden it's the governement's fault and responsibility to fix it? Why the FUCK do these companies get to make ridiculous profits from WeThePeople, then when they fuck up, WeThePeople get to pay for their cleanup...while they, most likely, will continue to have huge profits? A $75M cap? Shame on them. Shame the FUCK on her.

Are we boycotting BP yet? I haven't heard a whimper of it. I don't see their stations here in my neck of the woods, but I did find out that ARCO is a subsidiary. I've stopped getting my gas there.

The only way to not have oil spills of this magnitude is to fucking stop offshore drilling.  Seems like a no brainer to me. When kids mess up, we take their toys away. It's time for the offshore oil companies to take a HUGE time OUT.

I believe the ocean has been sending us the clear message that it's dying for the last couple of years. Fish and sea critter counts of all species were way down before the Gulf Oil Spill started. A member of the California Coastal Commission told me that the whale mother/calf counts in Mexico were 1/10th their normal numbers this year. One fucking TENTH!!! (this from people who go there every year to watch the whales...not news yet, but it's being worked on). Add in the gyres, the mass murder of whales and dolphins by the Japanese (found out some pretty fucked up shit about all that, let me tell ya...equivalent to The Cove in smarminess)--it is my sincere belief that the condition of the ocean is an imminent catastrophe.   And now there's poison spewing on top of it all, underneath it all, intermingling with it all.

I always tell people that they will know when I'm pissed when I say fuck a lot. I am frustrated, pissed, sickened, enraged, emotionally devastated by all I'm learning (and I've been studying this for a few years now).  I believe that Facebook and blogs and Twitter are powerful tools for change. I believe that in order for things to change, we need to be educated. That's the first step.

What's the next one?

FUCK!!!

Priceless...Nimoy Sunset Pie

2010-05-25T10:38:00.000-07:00

This site got a favorite on my task bar...not even on the side.

Who has time to make this shit up? Where does a brain like this come from? I think I'm in llllllllluuuuuuuuuuurrrrrrrrrrvvvvvvvveee.....

This one's called Self Portrait With Pie. (oil on canvas)

Seriously... you've got to check this site out.