Ex Con Alcoholic Addict's Struggle

This sure made me angry

fbern06@gmail.com (Frankiecon) — Sun, 25 Oct 2009 18:41:00 +0000

I guess a private prison company has been paying off juvenile judges in exchange for more bodies to occupy their facilities. It's being called The "Kids for Cash" scandal. Read more Here.

It's time for the wayback but not toofarback machine.

While talking with my friend who I mentioned in the last post, he mentioned what his last stay at San Quentin had been like. He spent three months in reception where he was locked up 24 hours a day. Meals were served on the tiers inside the cells because their was no movement on the grounds on account of quarantine for swine flu. Showers were given every other day but that was 100 men scrambling for 8 shower heads, bumping uglies in the allotted 15 minute time limit. That's a lot of cell time in a 5' by 12' space shared with another person.

I think that was one of the hardest parts of prison. Sharing space with some of the craziest people I have ever met. One moment, your in the yard waiting for the guards to assign you your cell and next, your spending more time with a complete stranger than you have spent with anyone over the same stretch of time. The first few days are alright. You get to tell each other your best stories and how you ended up in prison and what you were going to do when you got out.

But what I noticed was that a lot of people have only 8 stories. And when they run out they retell them over and over while you're trying to take your mind away with a good book. It's easy to get on each other's nerves when its 90 degrees with no air flow on the block. After a month with the same person you notice everything. And everything bothers you, even the sound of teeth being brushed. The only things to look forward to was getting out of that cell for small amounts of time like yard or medical appts. or the ultimate; being called to talk to your counselor because that meant you would be out of reception and on your way to where you were going to spend the remainder of your term. Where you would work and have plenty of yard and not have to be stuck with someone for 23 hours a day.

On another note, Mr. Beer from Dope City Free Press suggested I go to a hockey game. That just might be what the Dr. ordered. I used to attend lots of Ranger games, Mets games and concerts. I have to do some of the things that brought me great joy in life. Thanks Beer. Oh and it seems like the Rangers are following what the Jets are doing this season. Starting out so strong and now trying to get out of a tailspin. I hope the cable doesn't shut off all of these free hockey games I've been getting. I've watched almost every Ranger game and can even name their lines although the coach shuffled them up last night to see if that could change their dismal performance lately.

Okay, I'll shut up

Until next time

Oh, This is my favorite blogs right now. It's a political one but funny as hell. Especially the comment section. Check it out it called Balloon Juice

Also I'd like to say hello to an ex blogger who's writing I miss. Hi Lou!

Thin Lizzy-Jailbreak

Phenomena

fbern06@gmail.com (Frankiecon) — Thu, 15 Oct 2009 23:25:00 +0000

I ran into a friend who was released from prison the same time as myself. We were in the same program upon release and even at the parolee house. He was still trying to see how far he could push things and stayed in constant trouble with the counselors at the program and his parole officer. Although he stopped using drugs completely. He missed the "exciting life" that comes along with the life of an addict. And, he's been violated and returned to prison many times since our simultaneous release.

After the constant defiance and rebellion against being told what to do he will be discharging parole in 42 days. He could have discharged before or at least the same time as me. He is homeless. He doesn't know what to do once discharged (some scheme about working on a cruise ship).. and instead of pity coming over me a sense of happiness and gratitude bore into my soul.

This was me for years and years. I wanted an easier existence, but I didn't want to stop getting high.

This week I plan on spending a great weekend with my girlfriend.Today my sister and I conversed about our mutual problems and helped pick each other up. Also, I pitched in at work, helping my boss who was desperately trying to keep up with all of his work after my shift had ended. I helped the good of the business without being paid. A sort of gratitude for him taking a chance on hiring an ex con.

What struck me was the 160 applications and resumes the above mentioned friend handed in without a single call back.
Why was I called back so often? I am truly blessed.

And, I really want to thank all of you who pick me up so much with your kind words since I started this blog over 2 years ago. Last year at this time, things looked pretty bad with the loss of a job I really loved because of the economy, but I found myself back to work in a matter of weeks.

I still am wrestling with my future. Florida? Sacramento? San Francisco? New York? But one thing is for sure, I am being looked out for by lovely people and a power that I want to understand much better.
Until next time

Gettin Goin

fbern06@gmail.com (Frankiecon) — Mon, 05 Oct 2009 17:07:00 +0000

I have been sorta busy lately. I have not been going to meetings as much as I would like to. I only went to 4 in the last month. I haven't got a sponsor yet. I don't feel good about this.

It's not like I am being attacked by my cravings. Actually, I am blessed that feelings of using rarely enter my head. I just feel like I am at a standstill as far as my growth is concerned. So, today I am going to a meeting and I am going to go to 5 meetings this week and maybe find a sponsor. I am not a dry drunk or white knuckling it. On the contrary, feelings of joy and gratitude wash over me at the strangest times. But, I definitely could be happier.

So what's been going on with me that I have left out of my recent posts the past few months?

Well, besides working 6 nights a week, a while back I smashed into a deer at 4 in the morning on Interstate 280 just south of San Francisco. I crested a hill and saw 2 deer face to face in the middle lanes of the freeway as if they were kissing. I slammed on the brakes and couldn't figure out which way to swerve without killing myself and slammed into one of the deer who ran towards me instead of away from me. It wrecked the right side of the Scion. My boss was cool about it. He had the same thing happen to him a few years ago. It is the third deer that I have killed. All with a vehicle. I probably do better than a lot of hunters. I wish they would leave me alone. It breaks my heart every time this happens.

I also have gone to the the San Francisco Museum of Modern Art and The DeYoung Museum in Golden Gate Park. This weekend I saw some of the Hardly Strictly Bluegrass Festival in the park. I have seen tons of movies. And spent many precious moments with my girlfriend Stacey at the beach. Football season has got me by the throat and I am going to get back into Hockey. It used to be my favorite sport. I never missed a New York Ranger game for years and years and years. My drug use took away that. Matter of fact, I wouldn't have done any of the things I mentioned above or my vacation or seeing my friends when they came to visit. I would have flaked because drugs were all that I cared about. I was talking with Stacey about something last week when a memory of that sad part of my life flooded over me. It was about my lonely existence in the latter stage of my addiction. Wake up. Use. Go out and Steal and cop. Use. Nod. Go out and steal and cop. Use. Pass out. Wake up and so on. When I walked down a busy street my head would stay down looking at my feet with the fear of running into someone I know. Everyday was the same unless the police had different plans for me. Looking back, I swear, I find it hard to believe I did all that. So Strange that my mind is tricking me into thinking that it wasn't me. I count my blessings (which there are so many) everyday. I think it's time I gave back.

Until next time.

I saw Ms. Faithfull at the Bluegrass Festival and also saw a great Video Installation at SFMOMA which featured 20 monitors of about 20 different people side by side with close ups of each one singing the same song all from John Lennon's Working Class Hero Album.

Checkin In

fbern06@gmail.com (Frankiecon) — Wed, 23 Sep 2009 17:20:00 +0000

I've been busy with work and entertaining my girlfriend who wisely decided to spend her vacation with me the whole week. We are having fun and hopefully I won't be so tired when I have a day off on Fri.

I'll post a big one on tuesday. Lots to talk about.

Until then

Pictured Me and Not my girlfriend.

Reassurance

fbern06@gmail.com (Frankiecon) — Wed, 16 Sep 2009 23:23:00 +0000

While leaving for the airport for my trip back home to San Francisco, my mother remarked, "Frankie, let's make it quick, Ok? She was referring to our usual excruciating goodbyes we endure whenever she or I leave each other when returning home from a visit to one another.

I replied, "Want to say bye right now" hoping to escape the embarrassment of entering the terminal like I was just tear gassed at a anarchy rally

With that my mom turned around and faced the front door of the house and pretended to be waiting for my stepdad, Jimmy, to exit the house. I knew she was starting. I turned to my sisters' kids and spoke with them and said goodbye fully aware of my mom's struggle with composing herself in front of everyone. But, I was struggling too. But, I manged to smile as I hugged the kids and my sister Bonnie goodbye. Wheww, that was a close one.

Bonnie and the kids left as Jimmy, mom, and I drove off for the half hour ride to the airport.

Denver, back in 2007, was one of the hardest goodbyes ever. I had surprised them by flying in to see them while they were on vacation. It was a short but sweet vacation for me. It was the second time I visited them since my release from prison earlier in the year. Before that I hadn't seen them since 2003. When it was time for me to leave, we agreed that we would say goodbye in the hotel room to save us the stares of strangers in the hotel lobby. It was very sad. At the time, I knew my mom didn't know how long the length of my clean time would last. It was possible I could be in the clink within a week if I started using again. That and of being in each others lives again made for a very emotional goodbye. As I made my way towards her she started her quiet sobs and it took just about every ounce of strength for me not to fall apart right in front of her and Jimmy. Mom was tearing up as I hugged and told her I loved her and left the room as quick as I could to save her (and me) from dehydration. "I did it, I didn't go to pieces", I thought as Jimmy and I descended 30 floors to the lobby of the Marriot.

I was a little dizzy and had about ten minutes before the shuttle came to pick me up. I was sitting in a chair in the lobby when Jimmy surprised me by handing me the phone. Oh no! It was my mom! It was my mom and she was trying to talk to me through her tears! I couldn't hold it back any longer and broke down like a toddler who hadn't had his bottle in a week. The lobby was crowded and I felt like every eye was on me. Thanks Jim, I thought sarcastically, as I tried to hide the tears that were escaping my eyeballs like prisoners emptying their cells at chow time.

This time I felt better about the public spectacle of our goodbye. Enough time had passed, I thought, to quell the fears of me going back to my old ways. Yeah, this would be a piece of cake.

But as we were getting closer to the airport, small doubts entered my mind. "Mom always cries", I thought, "Which always makes me cry".

I saw the sign for the airline that would take me back to SF. We were close. Real close. Within a minute, Jimmy pulled up to the doors of the airline where I had to check-in. This was it. Mom had to get out of the car in order for me to get out. Hence, there would be no goodbye for her in the comfort and privacy of her Mitsubishi. I squeezed my way out between the seat and the door frame and there she was. She looked nervous more than sad. It was time for me to make it quick. Quick like a bank robbery get away. Hurriedly, I thanked and told her I loved her by whispering in her ear while we hugged. She quickly uttered the same and we quickly parted as if we were magnets being repelled by our polar likeness. But it was too late for me. It had started when we embraced. I tried my might to hold back. Over her shoulder I opened my eyes and noticed a driver in a shuttle bus watching us with a great big warm smile on his face. He must have seen a million goodbyes at the airport and apparently knew our pre drive plan. I lost it right there. I quickly walked toward the airport entrance as the Mitsubishi swallowed my mom and drove off. I didn't go in. I just stood there. I stood looking at the door just like mom did earlier at the house, regaining my composure. After a minute I went in. We are so much alike.

Until next time.

Ziggy Marley-Mother and Child Reunion

I'm Dreading the Goodbye

fbern06@gmail.com (Frankiecon) — Tue, 08 Sep 2009 14:16:00 +0000

I'll be going back to San Francisco in about 3 or 4 hours. I had such a great time seeing and being with my family the last few days. I arrived on Saturday around 8 and stayed at my brother Johnny's house. He showed me the room(s) I could stay in if I chose to ever move down here. He has two beautiful dogs and one of them, Rocco, is the friendliest dog I have ever met. The other one is friendly but a bit more subdued. But even a real friendly dog on my route pales in comparison to Rocco. On Sunday Johnny, my parents, and I went to swee the Rays play the Tigers at Tropicana field. I hadn't attended a game since 2002. The pitcher for the Rays was playing his first major league game and he struck out the side in the first two innings. We left in the middle of the game because we had to get to my sister's house. She made a wonderful dinner for us and it was nice having a home cooked meal with the family.

On Labor day my mom and I met Bonnie and the kids at Fort De Soto Beach. I had a great time playing with Katie and Christian. My stubborn ass didn't learn from past experiences with the sun and am paying for it now with a sunburned back.

And last night the whole family went to a nice restaurant on the water and had a very nice casual meal at a place called The Sea Hag.

I am really having a tug of war in my mind on what I want to do as far as moving out here. The poor economy, my girlfriend Stacey, and my love for San Francisco is going against the love for my family, maybe a better way of life because of the lower cost of living, and the adventure of finding a new way of life in a different place which I have done my whole life. But mainly it's my family. I want to be around to watch the kids grow up and look out fdor them. I want to be around my parents because I love them so much and want to spend as much time as possible with them before, well you know. It's starting to tear me apart.

So I have a couple of hours and Bonnie and the kids are on their way to say goodbye.

Until next time

Vacation-The Go Gos Live

Vacation

fbern06@gmail.com (Frankiecon) — Mon, 07 Sep 2009 11:43:00 +0000

Pictures will say it better than I can. I am having such a great time with my family. Gratitude washes over me constantly. I am so lucky to have such a great family.

My, What a Great Week

fbern06@gmail.com (Frankiecon) — Thu, 03 Sep 2009 23:20:00 +0000

If you have been following my blog than you know that this past week and a half has been very busy for me. A good kind of busy. I'll take this type of busy 365 days a year. Well maybe 255.

My girlfriend took a vacation and instead of visiting Europe, India, Nepal, Argentina, or any other exotic locale, she spent her time with little old me. It was our first extended period of time together and although we were both a little nervous as to see how much we could stand of each other, her stay was absolutely fantastic. My feelings for her grew much more and I didn't think that would happen.

Since my life of incarceration, with unwanted people constantly in my face asking for this and that. Sleeping in cramped quarters and being able to distinguish each man's snoring habits. I value and like time spent by myself. Not all the time mind you, but at least a day here and a day there. I might not trip on that stuff anymore as long I am with someone I love. I truly didn't want her to leave on Monday after spending 10 days with me. This woman may be the one I would be happy to spend my life with.

On Thursday, my longtime friends Kenny and Alyssa traveled respectively from Los Angeles and San Diego partly to see me but more so to see the big concert in Golden Gate Park in SF. The four of us went out to dinner at Stepps of Rome in North Beach and afterwards I took them to one of our greatest bars here in SF called Specs. My girlfriend and the others drank pretty heavily while I nursed my coke the entire night. My girlfriend was a bit worried I might develop a strong urge but thank god the thought didn't reach my mind. We had such a blast. Kenny, as you might know from an old post, told me in details his courageous battle with Lymphoma type cancer. What he went through was truly horrible and he beat it. Kenny is a hero to me. When told he had cancer years ago, I kind of just hoped for the best because they're wasn't a damn thing I could do. I was either locked up, on a binge, or in a program. His story reminded me how important life is and not to take it for granted. Alyssa and my gf Stacey were having fun getting free rounds from the bartender who must have liked what he saw.

Kenny proceeded to tell us some of the funniest stories. I was laughing so hard, I found it hard to catch my breath. It hurt and everyone else was in pain from the laughter, including Kenny.He has a way with storytelling and I think he should write his experience with cancer down on paper.We met a few more times last weekend and reminisced and had fun. We had to say goodbye to Kenny and Alyssa in front of a public BART Train Station because they were leaving in the morning. I have known Kenny and Alyssa since middle school and all of us were best friends growing up. Kenny and I had been best friends up until I got strung out on heroin and flew the coop when we both lived in LA. I left and moved to SF in 93 and since we had just about went our separate ways but always still wondering about each other. These two will always be my best friends along with a handfulof others. I thought that I would never again talk to them much less see them again during the years of my out of control don't give a fuck lifestyle. It choked me up a few times just looking at both their faces as they were speaking all the while not hearing a word. Just happy to be able to see them again. Very heartwarming and grateful.

We were about to hug and say goodbye when I heard it. The dreaded sound of someone concealing sorrow and tears from others because of the upcoming departure. I heard Kenny start and then all of us were hugging and tearing up and trying to talk in that hyperventilating crying voice. This is a group of people that I care so much about and all of them made it one of the best weeks I have had in years. Maybe a decade.

Too bad the others who planned on going didn't make it, but as long as I had these three I had it all. I love them so much.

This Saturday I leave for Florida to see the whole family. YYEeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee HHHHHHHHHaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaawwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww

Until Next Time

You know what I can't figure out. My parole officer could find a needle in a haystack during his monthly visits if he thought a search was warranted. How did the parole officer who did monthly visits to a sex offender's house miss the woman and two girls who he had hidden in his back yard?

PS in case your wondering, not one drop of alcohol passed through my lips and I didn't miss it at all. God or a phenomena I don't understand took away that urge!

High Noon

fbern06@gmail.com (Frankiecon) — Fri, 21 Aug 2009 10:48:00 +0000

First of all, the above picture was borrowed from Google images and not a picture of the AA meeting I attend. I went to the meeting I talked about in my last post yesterday. I really like this meeting. I can identify with these people more than any other meeting I've gone to. Surprisingly, I didn't see one person I knew. Just familiar faces. The other times I've been here I was swarmed by people I knew who introduced me to other people exclaiming, "This is the funniest guy on earth!" which put pressure on me to start entertaining strangers. I am shy when I first meet people and once they warm up to me, I then put on my comic act. After the secretary asked if there were any newcomers I stood up and introduced myself by putting my hands on the outside my mouth like I was about to start yodeling and said, "Hi everyone, I'm Frank and I am an alcoholic" in the same decibels as a jackhammer. That put some smiles on others faces, I guess, because I was loud and proud. Shortly afterwards a big guy came up to me and handed me a slip of paper with his number on it and said, "If you need a sponsor give me a call." Man, did he jump the gun.

I mainly went to this meeting to find a sponsor of my choosing. Every meeting here has a time when the secretary asks if there are any people here who need a sponsor and then he asks if there are any people here who wish to be sponsors. This was where I was going to scope out the the people raising their hands and ask them to sponsor me after the meeting was over.

The man who rushed to me and gave me the phone number sort of put me off to him because I am a bit weary when someone is overeager. Then I started thinking too much and didn't want to hurt his feelings by raising my hand and asking for a sponsor when he had just offered. Plus, when the meeting was about to end and we all stood in a circle to say the closing prayer, he ran over next to me, grabbed my hand, and again offered to sponsor me. I felt a bit harassed. I should have used one of those AA cliches on him. "Easy does it, pal." I politely said thank you and didn't linger afterwards like I had planned . I bolted for the door after the meeting ended.

However, a man who was a bit self effacing during his share who had over 11 years clean certainly interested me. When they were passing the mike around to people who wanted to share after the speaker had finished, he was standing in front of us all like president Obama at a news conference. The person who shared before him had gone up front to share because that's what her sponsor had told her to do. Instead of walking ten feet over to him and handing him the mike she stood at the front and sort of made him walk over and stand in front of all of us. After saying about 20 words he stopped, looked around at all of us (over 100 people easily) and exclaimed, "What the fuck am I doing in front like this. As he walked away and hid behind a pillar off to the side he continued by saying, "I don't want you people to see me." He shared and did a brief history of his experience with AA. This would have been the guy I would have asked to be my sponsor. I will look for him later today when I go to High Noon and ask him. If he's not there, I may ask someone else who I feel would be a good fit for me in helping me work the steps. I have to get one the sooner the better.

Until next time

Art- From a Bad art Display at my roommates Party

Smelvis-Painted with Bar B Q Sauce on Bounty Paper towel

Here's a song by Broken Social Scene which is able to encompass warm, lush, and calming sounds without being too overbearing. Unlike the above gentlemen. “All your kind their coming clean / they shut their eyes, their mess, their scene” Many bands write songs about being an outsider to a new and unfamiliar scene, but few manage to make it enthralling as “KC Accidental” actually is.

KC Accidental-Broken Social Scene

Craggy Youthfullness

fbern06@gmail.com (Frankiecon) — Wed, 19 Aug 2009 21:23:00 +0000

Just got home after a long day at work. I had to do my twice a month Napa Valley route after I finished my regular San Jose run. I'm glad I never was into wine or I would be "Jukey"(nervous craving) every time I do that route. All along Rt 121 you will find numerous wineries, quaint towns with 4 star restaurants, Infineon Raceway and a "Wine Tain" that runs along side of the highway. One of my stops was the Meadowood. My girlfriend told me that's where the stars stay when they come to Napa. Napa is a wine drinker's paradise. I tried to imagine a "Heroin Train" but didn't get far with that.

Work has been going well and my new place is swell. It's still a little strange, living day to day like normal folks. My roommate is very active in politics and she lets everyone on the block know by screaming at the television when a Republican comes on and spreads fear among us so we won't be behind health reform. It was her 70th birthday and she threw a party. Everyone here had fun. I heard an interview with Bill Gates Sr at the Commonwealth Club on the radio. He is 84 and he also is very active with the foundation his son and wife founded. I hope I have that much energy when I reach that age. But first I have to reach that age and odds are against me that I will live past 60 because I am an addict/alcoholic.

Which brings me to my AA program. Since posting I have gone to two meetings. I didn't know which kind of meetings they were because I had never gone to the one in the Marina district nor the one closer to my house in the Sunset district. Both were book studies. On Monday, at the Marina during the book study, an old friend grabbed me by the arm and we went outside. We wound up talking throughout the whole meeting. Like me, he went to Delancey Street. He's been involved in AA since a big relapse after graduating. I told him about my situation and he gave me some tips on some good meetings in my neighborhood. Most of them were at night which I won't attend because I like to stay awake while I'm working. But one did sound interesting. It's called "Ass in a Bag" and it happens to fall on my day off.

At the other meeting, there was a small group of guys reading the latter steps from the Big Book. I didn't get a sponsor at either. Tomorrow I am going to go back to the High Noon meeting I was going to in the spring which has a speaker meeting with a sizable crowd. I want to start working the steps by next week. I remember they ask if anybody needs a sponsor during the meeting. This time my hand will go up.

I was talking with a fellow worker about my losing a library book on the bus. Somehow our conversation drifted to a day when he was driving a cab in the city. He was in a taxi queue waiting for his turn to pick up a passenger in front a hotel. He noticed a man with a cane who stood by the Cabbie Stand sign letting cab after cab go until my coworker's cab reached the man. The man jumped (?) in and told him he only used the company my coworker drove for after giving him the destination address. As they were driving the man asked how were things going. My coworker complained about the rough financial times he was experiencing because of the economy and the man said, "That's too bad." At trip's end the fare was $14.60. The man gave him $15.00 and said, "Keep the change." My friend was a bit annoyed and decided to call it a day. Later,as he was leaving the cab he noticed a wallet in the back seat. He opened it and it was loaded with cash along with various papers and ID and the man's building ID. The building ID read, Federal Judge, So my friend called the Federal building, got in touch with the man's secretary and made arrangements to return the wallet. They met and the man rewarded my coworker with a $50 bill. Not much of a story I thought, when he said, "I'll never forget that Judge's name. Thelton Henderson." Finally, a reason why he was telling me the story. Not that my coworker knows about my past and ecided to name drop, more like something bigger wanted me to wear the grin I was now wearing. This is the same Judge who is wresting control over the California Department of Corrections for their serious overcrowding issues. My coworker didn't like this man. I, on the other hand, consider him a hero.

Until next time

Clampdown-The Clash

It All Came Back in a Fury

fbern06@gmail.com (Frankiecon) — Fri, 14 Aug 2009 00:18:00 +0000

It's been nice for me lately. I have been having a bit of a hard time adjusting to life out here on the Avenues in San Francisco. The difference is night and day. No sirens, no streets lined with addicts and dealers, no panhandlers, no screams from the street in the middle of the night, no prostitutes, no honking, no traffic late at night, no people constantly hassling me for no reason, and regrettably no meetings.
Not on account that there aren't any around here, it's on account of me just not going.

It was a rough month or so after I left the parolee house and after my brief incarceration. I slept at work on the bakers bed, slept in the van, slept at one of my co workers flat, and slept in an expensive rotten hotel in the tenderloin for a week. It sucked. I had to start from scratch because of my belongings being either thrown out or ripped off after leaving them in the van when I turned myself in.

I now live in a nice quiet flat, have a full wardrobe again, and am slowly making my room in the flat more homey. I bought a painting by Van Gogh called Starry Night at the local Goodwill for 3 bucks.

My point is, I haven't lived normally like this since I lived in LA before becoming a drug addict. That's about 17 years. 17 years of bouncing around the country (2 years), living with my girlfriend but who took care of everything even my drug use,(3 years), years and years of living in a hotel in the mission, alone, killing myself with, at the least, 10 speedballs a day, years in county jails, 2 years at a drug program called Delancey St., years of in and out of prison, and years of other programs including the parolee house. I am not living like that anymore. Finally. But I realize that I must strive to clear the next hurdle and not become complacent and live like any other shlub. I can't. I'm different. I am an addict.

I was working the other night listening to our local 24 hour newsradio when a bulletin came on about a riot at CIM which is The California Institute for Men in Chino right outside of Los Angeles. That's where I did my last term. It's a rotten place that is at double it's capacity and while I was there a riot kicked off causing a lockdown and reinforcement from outside police agencies. A prison guard was stabbed and killed there back in 2005. And now this. Over 1500 prisoners involved with 250 injuries that required medical attention. Some very serious. It was between the blacks and the Surenos a Latino gang. In prison, the Whites are affiliated with the Surenos while the blacks with the Nortenos, another latino gang. This riot must have been pretty bad because I read about it in the Washington Post as well as the SF Chronicle and NY Daily News.

While driving and listening to the report, that whole prison scene came back to me as clear as a bell and gratitude washed all over me. Thank god I wasn't there. I was free and driving along the Great Highway which borders the Pacific Ocean. The moonlight shimmered off the choppy waters and I had one of those moments. A moment where happiness and a sense of awe overcame me and a few tears of joy ran down my smiling face. I certainly have come a long way and I have a long way to go. But right then I was "staying in the moment" and I felt the presence of something much bigger than me. And it got me thinking about my present circumstances and making the next leap towards my goals.

What's missing for me right now is AA and NA meetings. I am going to go regularly and work the steps with another sponsor out here on the Avenues. That's why I am back. To chronicle it and to keep using this tool for my recovery.

I'm also very glad to be back.

Until next time

Art-Night Stars by Vincent Van Gogh

Cool Scene-The Dandy Warhols

Great Poem Shawl-Alan Goldbarth

POEM
Shawl

by Albert Goldbarth
Eight hours by bus, and night
was on them. He could see himself now
in the window, see his head there with the country
running through it like a long thought made of steel and wheat.
Darkness outside; darkness in the bus — as if the sea
were dark and the belly of the whale were dark to match it.
He was twenty: of course his eyes returned, repeatedly,
to the knee of the woman two rows up: positioned so
occasional headlights struck it into life.
But more reliable was the book; he was discovering himself
to be among the tribe that reads. Now his, the only
overhead turned on. Now nothing else existed:
only him, and the book, and the light thrown over his shoulders
as luxuriously as a cashmere shawl.

Guess what? That's What. I'm back Posting Again

fbern06@gmail.com (Frankiecon) — Thu, 13 Aug 2009 00:30:00 +0000

Starting very soon, I will be resuming my blog. So check back by the end of the weekend. Missed lots of you.

On the bottom there's an episode of Democracy Now with a great interview with a nurse who got shouted down at a town hall meeting. Enjoy

Moon-Cat Power

The End Of Ex Con

fbern06@gmail.com (Frankiecon) — Sat, 18 Jul 2009 18:19:00 +0000

This is the last posting for this blog which has tremendously helped me throughout the years since I was released from prison. Lots of things happened here.

I made new friends, reunited with old friends, fought with the prison guard union, and even had a hard time with the Rock Band Them Pouges.

I truly would like to thank everyone who regularly read my posts. Some of them were good. Some were bad. But it helped me. Every single post.

Here's my update. After weeks of struggle trying to find a place to live, I didn't have to settle for a seedy hotel room in a rotten neighborhood. I live in the Sunset area of the city only blocks from work. I live in a flat with one other person. Usually a flat of this size rents out 4 or 5 people which leads to drama like that show Big Brother but without the contests. I have a beautiful girlfriend who I may spend the rest of my life with if she behaves : ) , I have a great job, well at least my employers are great and give me plenty of hours in order for me to live pretty good. I bought a bike to ride around instead of wasting money and fossil fuels. And I am visiting the family in Florida in September.

When I left prison with the $200 gate money they provide you with, I knew I had a long hard struggle ahead of me and truthfully thought I might wind up behind bars within months. But that didn't happen. I got a job for the first time in years. And I worked. Man did I work. 6-7 days a week and still doing it at the place I'm at now.

I have beaten the odds so far. I see so many people. Old friends who I used to get high with who are just stuck in the same situation. I do my best to help them whenever possible because I remember the days when they helped me, though not for the right reasons.

I will be starting a new blog but I won't be announcing where it is or promote it here. I love writing and I would like to see if I can gain the same amount of readers I have here.

I love you all and wish all of you the best in your struggles and the struggles of your loved ones. But most of all I want to say two words to all of you.

Thank you.

la la la la la la la la la.................

You've been so kind and generous, I don't know how you keep on giving
For your kindness I'm in debt to you
For your selflessness, my admiration
For everything you've done, you know I'm bound, I'm bound to
thank you for it....

la la la la la la la la la ...........................

You've been so kind and generous, I don't know how you keep on giving
For your kindness I'm in debt to you
And I never could have come this far without you
For everything you've done, you know I'm bound, I'm bound to
thank you for it....

Na Na na na na na na na na na
na na na na na na na na na na

Oh, I want to thank you for so many gifts you gave with love and tenderness,
I wanna thank you
I want to thank you for your generosity, the love and the honesty that you gave me
I want to thank you, show my gratitude, my love and my respect for you,
I wanna thank you

Oh I want to thank you, thank you, thank you,
thank you, thank you, thank you...

Never Give Up

fbern06@gmail.com (Frankiecon) — Sun, 28 Jun 2009 17:49:00 +0000

It crossed my mind in the past few weeks to just say, "fuck this" Again AI got bombarded with, it seemed like, everyone wanting to make sure I didn't have a dime left in my pocket. From court fines, parking tickets, old boss, and the great State of California withholding money meant for me which I earned but somehow is lost right now in the red tape beauracracy of government. So after the elation of completing parole successfully, I found myself living by the skin of my teeth. In the past that would have been an excuse to go out and get loaded from all of the stress that was coming down on me.

My self esteem sank lower each day because I didn't have a place to call home. I slept either at work in a bed provided for bakers who have to work hours after putting in an 8 hour shift. I slept in the van when the bed was being used, and I slept at a co workers every now and then. I got a gym membership to get in shape but also because it would provide me with a locker and a shower each day. But I was determined.

I knew that things would turn out better for me as long as I stuck to this uncomfortable plan. And things are looking better each day.

First of all, my boss changed my route and asked me to work 7 days a week for him just for a month or as soon as he could get someone to train on my route to work one day a week. So my hours are way up. Since living in this cowboy manner, I have been living on the bare necessities. The dollar store became my favorite shopping indulgence along with The Salvation Army and Goodwill for clothing. Not much clothing because I can't lug around too much property.

Little by little things are getting better. The light is very bright at the end of the dark tunnel I just went through. I figured that within a couple of weeks I would get a hotel room and save for about a month in order to get an apt. in SOMA that helps people who make under 35,000 a year. But, something incredible happened that I won't mention out of respect and confidentiality. Someone close in my life decided to speed up my progress a bit and helped me get out of this jam much quicker than I anticipated. I am forever grateful to this person and has made my list of Saints.

Also, on the family front, my sister and I have become very close with calls every few days which elates me because She is so inspirational and is always rooting for me to keep up the good fight. Mom and Jimmy just took a mini vacating on a small island off the coast of Florida and I am glad they got to rest a bit because they work so hard.

Oh, and my Aunt Cindy visited SF with my Uncle Brendan. We had lunch together and got to catch up on what's been going on in our lives since we last really talked to each other which was over 25 years ago. And what was great, was we talked as if we never suffered all of those years of separation. I wanted to talk with them more but they had to go to Lake Tahoe. I hope they are having fun and hit the million dollar jackpot. It was just such a wonderful reunion.

I love my family so much, and really regret all of those years I wasted in my haze of drug and alcohol abuse. I am so glad I am a part of the family again.

So, on the apt deal, I am looking at three places today, and they all sounded pretty good on Craigslist. Wish me the best. Oh yeah, I love you Stacey. And you too,
Stacey #1

I love these lyrics

New Order-True Faith
Until next time

I feel so extraordinary
Somethings got a hold on me
I get this feeling Im in motion
A sudden sense of liberty
I dont care cause Im not there
And I dont care if Im here tomorrow
Again and again Ive taken too much
Of the things that cost you too much
I used to think that the day would never come
Id see delight in the shade of the morning sun
My morning sun is the drug that brings me near
To the childhood I lost, replaced by fear
I used to think that the day would never come
That my life would depend on the morning sun...

When I was a very small boy,
Very small boys talked to me
Now that weve grown up together
Theyre afraid of what they see
Thats the price that we all pay
Our valued destiny comes to nothing
I cant tell you where were going
I guess there was just no way of knowing
I used to think that the day would never come
Id see delight in the shade of the morning sun
My morning sun is the drug that brings me near
To the childhood I lost, replaced by fear
I used to think that the day would never come
That my life would depend on the morning sun...

I feel so extraordinary
Somethings got a hold on me
I get this feeling Im in motion
A sudden sense of liberty
The chances are weve gone too far
You took my time and you took my money
Now I fear youve left me standing
In a world thats so demanding
I used to think that the day would never come
Id see delight in the shade of the morning sun
My morning sun is the drug that brings me near
To the childhood I lost, replaced by fear
I used to think that the day would never come
That my life would depend on the morning sun...

I Feel the Burn

fbern06@gmail.com (Frankiecon) — Mon, 08 Jun 2009 21:09:00 +0000

I joined a gym. A gym donated by the widow of McDonalds tycoon Kroc. It's run by the Salvation Army and it is on a block in the city's Tenderloin neighborhood. It's the greatest gym ever built. All brand new state of the art equipment, pool, game room with ping pong and pool tables and pinball machines. It has a computer lab with 40 computers donated by Hewlet Packard. It has a gym with basketball courts, and a climbing thing on the wall. Sadly, it isn't used by many people because of the hood. And many residents of the hood would rather spend the $20 a month fee on other things.

I love it. I did my first gym workout today. I rode on a bike machine for 30 minutes, worked on nautilus equipment that helped my legs, thighs, glutes, and ankles. Then I worked on my arms and they are so sore I can't lift them over my shoulders. I then tried the treadmill;l which I lasted about 15 minutes on before nausea set in. Excellent start to what may become a daily routine for me.

Now, I'm still going through some tough times but I am doing great. I feel the best I've felt in many many years. And things will be getting better each day as long as I stay focused on improving my life. I attend a meeting just about every weekday which is helping me remember where I came from and where I could be with one dumb decision.

Ok Patty, I know last time I did something regally great for someone, you mentioned to me to be silent about it and watch what happens. I can't let this one inside me.

On Saturday, I got a call from my girlfriend who explained a situation to me in which her friends daughter had run away and was seen on Haight St. in SF that morning. she sent me a picture of her and gave me the father of the girl's phone number. I spoke with him and told him I was riding up and down the AHaight but there weren't many of the usual runaway gutter punks that usually hang out in front of certain stores. But, I remembered there were having a bi monthly event, down at the Bill Graham Auditorium called Homeless Connect. It's a great event which steers homeless people to the services they might need. From medical, housing, employment, clothing, food, hygiene, legal help, even bus tickets for them to leave town.

I told the father that she would probably be desperate for some new clothes and food and he should park himself right at the entrance and he might find her. He had no idea this event was happening and his plan was to stay up on Haight St. and Hippie Hill in Golden Gate Park all day. So he thanked me and gave me some info on what I should do if I ran across her. He said that since she had been reported as missing, I could tackle her and hold her until the police arrived/ I didn't like the sound of that. So I told him I would call him and then the police while following her. That way a crowd of onlookers wouldn't beat the crap out of me by mistaking me for some kind of pedophile.

I looked for her all day but didn't see her and felt bad for all of them. But on Sunday morning I got a call on my voicemail. It was the father. He expressed his gratitude to me and said they probably wouldn't have found her if I hadn't told him about Project Homeless Connect. He said he saw her at noon out front, and he got her. He said it was just in the nick of time because she was about to go on one of those buses with other hippies and travel around the country. There's a name for this type of adventure, but I don't recall what it is. I would call it, Got Lice?

He said she might have been gone for months or even years if they hadn't found her. She's only 14 and the thought of some jerk turning her on to some drugs made my stomach turn. I am just happy to be a part of something that helped a family. For now, they won't have to be heartsick or in constant wonder where their daughter is. That call from the dad gave me chills and a euphoria that no drug could compete with.

My new motto is "How Can I Help"

Art- Pink Angels Willem de Kooning

The Runaways- Heartbeat

One week down, One more to go

fbern06@gmail.com (Frankiecon) — Wed, 03 Jun 2009 18:09:00 +0000

since my detainment last week a number of things have happened that have hindered my progress but also shown me how much I am loved and being rooted to succeed.

Money I was expecting from my parole savings has been lost. Not lost forever but sort of lost in the bureaucratic red tape of Sacramento. This money was supposed to help me move into a place of my own once leaving the parolee house. which in turn has left me like the state of California. My bank account has dried up, my credit is maxed out, and I am practically living as a homeless person until my next paycheck.

A few people have really helped me out during this ordeal. Mainly, my mom, girlfriend, bosses, and a co worker. Because of my plight, I have to sleep either in my delivery van or at the baker's bed located inside the business I work in. Tough times don't last but tough people do. I could easily go back to my old ways and pick up several hindered dollars to get me through until my next pay or when my Sacramento check arrives but my mind is in a very different place. so, I have to be a bit uncomfortable for a few weeks. When I went to jail, my belongings disappeared. everything except the laptop and ipod which I pawned in order to pay off any fine I could in order to stay out of jail for the weekend. It worked.

I would just really like to thank mom, my girlfriend, my bosses, the hippy, and all of the support I have received through personal messages and facebook comments. Surprisingly, using drugs in order to ease the stress and low self esteem I feel right now hasn't entered my mind. hallelujah!! This ordeal will be over shortly and I am experiencing what thousands of people throughout the country are going through now. Thank you so much, you can never imagine how much this has boosted mu spirit and reminds me of the long way I have come.

I am still in a great state of joy over being off of parole, and I no longer have one foot in and one foot out of the doors of prison.

I had a great weekend traveling to Half Moon Bay and watching the Sea Lions on the Beach. Very relaxing, and I spent it with someone I care a great deal about, although she is probably not feeling as strong as she did for me a few weeks ago. I can't blame her.

so, I will struggle and suffer a bit more for a short while but after that, look out world. I might be the next Trump but more likable and less greedy.

Te ride still continues and I am enjoying it. ( Even the tough parts
) which will be posted soon.

Until then

My next post will deal with the difficulties I am having dealing with relationships without the use of drugs or alcohol which is all ne territory for me. One statement made in my direction bothered me stating that I might be incapable of being flexible and open to change. If they could only see the changes made over the last 11 years. Unbelievable how sensitive my body has become. I am sure if you have been an addict like me in the past you know exactly what I am talking about because I spoke with someone about this subject. Same exact difficulties were experienced by this person. Hmmmm. I'll have to do some research on this. Anyway, Life is great. and it's going to be even greater. Love, Peace, Harmoney, and un derstanding.

The Decemberists-The Wanting Comes in Waves

No More Parole!!!!!!!!!

fbern06@gmail.com (Frankiecon) — Fri, 29 May 2009 21:31:00 +0000

What a week. I was misinformed by my PO that I had a parole hold and a traffic warrant which needed to be taken care of. I turned myself in and paid the fines owed for traffic. When I asked about the parole hold the officers told me they didn't have any indication that I was on parole. so they let me free.

I went back to the parole office and thought this must be a big mistake. After signing in the women at the window called me over and gave me a card. The card stated, "Frankiecon had successfully completed parole. My officer must be a scatterbrain. So, for the first time since 1996 I am not in jail, prison, on court probation, felony probation. I am F*cking free!!!!!

I am so happy, although there were a lot of bad things that went along with that since I thought I might be in jail for a few weeks. I prepared but lost all of my clothing, housing, and even my phone. But I still have my job and I will be able to manage to put things together in a couple of weeks. I am so happy.

76% of parolees return before a year is up. I beat those odds by two years and am going to have the greatest life AI could ever imagine. I have a great girlfriend and as long as I stay away from drugs and alcohol. I'll be Great.

I'll still be continuing my blog but without the weight of my parolee status.
God bless you all for being here right along with me throughout. Will right more when I can.

Im pumped and so is Neil
<

I Really Can't Say

fbern06@gmail.com (Frankiecon) — Thu, 14 May 2009 23:24:00 +0000

There have been tons of things going on in my life in which I would love to write about, but out of respect for others it will have to wait.

One thing for sure is I am definitely moving out of here. The last straw was a petty complaint from my roommate concerning the use of his coffee. I helped myself to a cup which he always told me I could do if I was ever out. In the past I have bought him jars of Folgers, coffeemate jars of creamer, cups, bleach, and air freshener. I never asked him for a dime to pay me back. I have taught him how to use a computer with 1000s of answers so he could do his homework, and generally have never asked anything from him.

After helping myself to the coffee, he confronted me the next day and said I should buy a brand new jar because I used his. I reminded him of the countless times I got coffee and creamer for him and his offer of helping myself but I was met with a blank stare. Like he didn't remember any of that. I told him I would not buy him any coffee because basically I paid for that in the past. Over and done with right?

No, he brought it up to me again today. I told him that I was moving from this room this weekend and now he's going to realize how great he had it but screwed it up with either trying to swindle me or just plain craziness. He is a very hard person to live with, and the staff here knows it. They don't like him, and not many other people do. Sorry about the petty rant but this guy is driving me nuts yet again.

Big news. My friend Stretch and I may go in on a One Bedroom Apt. with me taking the living room. We are awaiting the OK from each of our Parole Officers. I told him that I would only be staying there on a temporary basis and he said that would be alright with him. I might be out of here next week. This neighborhood, the people here, the staff, and my nutty roommate have all driven me to the point where my eye is twitching. When I leave or return from the facility, I am patted down for weapons and asked to blow into an alcohol meter. I have to make out a 24 hour in advance pass request if I have an appointment or when I want to go the library. Weekend Passes have to be approved. One time they denied me a pass to Golden Gate Park because there is one part of the park where people smoke weed. Time for me to go. And if the situation with Stretch doesn't work out I will get my own place, even if it's a residential hotel like the one I lived in last year at this time. I've had enough!

Some other things are bothering me which I can't discuss here because I do not want to discuss someone else's business. Just aint right.

Thanks again Babz, Lou, Patty, Stagnant Artist, and Gail who always give me kind words and inspiration. I am on Facebook a lot so you can find me there. Hopefully soon I can write about some of the wonderful things that are happening in my life.

Until Then

Art-The Arsenal Frida Kahlo Distributes Arms

Kings of Leon-California Waiting

Top of the World, Ma

fbern06@gmail.com (Frankiecon) — Wed, 06 May 2009 22:23:00 +0000

Remember back in September when our banking system just about collapsed that one week. When Bear Stearns or some other financial crap was given away for practically nothing to some other stronger financial place. Well, coincidentally, that's when my financial situation did just about the same thing. I lost my job, I had just paid off huge fines and restitution fees earlier in the summer and things were pretty bleak for awhile. I got that one job which I quit after only a week because I just could not work with my co worker but luckily got the job I have now quickly afterwards.

Problem was it was only part time for awhile and I was still paying off bills and just keeping my head above water. Last year at this time, in May, I actually thought I would never ever really have to worry about money again. I had saved a tremendous amount (for me) and just couldn't see what was up ahead for me.

I have finally turned the corner on all of that. I am working full time now. Actually, much more than full time as each week goes by. I am the go to guy now at my place of employment. If something extra needs to be done, they call me.

Today for instance, I noticed some inventory had to be delivered to Yountvillle, CA. Now, just yesterday, after I finished my normal route, my boss asked me to take 2 orders. One to Berkely and one to Yountville. Of course I did it. So when I saw the order for Yountville today, I told the other boss that I had just delivered that order yesterday. He said that it must be a mistake and told me not to worry about it and go home. I was about to enter my building when I got a phone call from my boss. He said, "Uh, er Frank? That order you told me about earlier is a new one and it has to be delivered today." I told him I would be there as fast as the bus could get me back . So, in the last two days I have put almost 24 hours in. Tomorrow I have OT too because I have to deliver 160 boxes to a warehouse in Hayward.

Anyway the point is, I am going into banking mode again. And it won't be long before I'll be as secure as I was last May.

This Sunday is Mother's Day and again it felt great to be able to send my mom a card and a little cash for lunch or something. I missed at least 10 Mother's Days when I was out of my mind on drugs. That's a lot of Mother's Days. She called me this morning and told me that I shouldn't have sent her money and that I might need it more. Mom, I know you read this so let me tell you that putting that money in that envelope was probably the best feeling I had all week. OK? I just want you to have a nice Mother's day and wish I could spend the day with you. But, it's looking pretty good that I will be able to spend next years holiday with you. I love you mom.

Ok, I'm puddling up a little so I'll change the subject. My friend and fellow blogger Stagnant Artist new piece can be found by clicking this right here.

I wanted to write a bunch more but I've already said too much.

Until next time

Art- See above!

I love this song, too!

T Rex-Ride a White Swan

Strange Days Indeed

fbern06@gmail.com (Frankiecon) — Sun, 03 May 2009 22:52:00 +0000

Firat of all, the picture on the left is Stagnant Artist's latest finished work of art. A Sculpture that she finished after two years. Pretty cool, huh?

Life is Silly. I deserve a quiet night. I haven't posted all week because not much happened. I did bump into a car as I was backing out of a parking lot underneath the Golden Gate Bridge.

About 40 women participate in a boot camp like workout and I maneuvered to the left as I was backing out trying to avoid the lunging ladies who were in back of me. I bonked the van into a small Ford. I heard a gasp come from the crowd and at first thought I hit one of them. When I got out I checked the Ford and saw the dent. From down the lot we a saw a figure running full sprint towards us. One of the woman clucked, "uh oh." It was the owner of the car who also happened to be the leader of the boot camp. I was ready to get chewed out like Gomer Pyle. She said it was her car and looked over the damage and said she would take down my information but probably wouldn't go through the whole insurance process and would have her mechanic bang the dent out for her. Whewww! I told my boss what happened and instead of giving me a hard time, he sort of ignored me and said, that's why we have insurance. I was worried a little but there was nothing to worry about, like most things.

I've just been working hard and making plans. Next month I should find out if I am going to be discharged from parole. Also there have been so many articles about eliminating parole for non violent offenders but they need a panel or group to go over each case to see who is least likely to re offend which sounds like that process could take some time. So let's all hope for next month.
Things have been much better here at the parolee house. I'm seldom home when my roommate is here and visa versa.

One last thing, I was walking to my bus stop one night this week when I saw a guy from the program I went to when I was released from prison. While at the program he got the counselors all worked up because he told them that he had seen me on 7th st. and thought I was getting high. They tested me and I came up negative and I have always wondered why he did that to me. It wasn't to help me, I know that for sure. I think he wanted my room or something. So as I am walking towards him his eyes shot down to his feet and he kinda froze. As I walked past him, I was about to say hi when I stopped myself. He was grimy from head to toe and what I had interrupted was him digging through a trash can. He just stood there and I walked past not saying a word because I know he must have felt embarrassed. At first I said to myself, good, that'll show him for lying about me but as I write this I genuinely wish him well because we are both in the same boat, he just dropped his paddle for now.

Next time

Art-Wassily Kandinsky, Composition VII

Poison Moon-Elvis Costello

Cut loose in a nightmare, cast off in my dreams
If home is anywhere that I can hang my hat
Then it's coming apart at the seams
My luck is hanging upside down
I try to hold on tight
But money's rolling out of town
And love slips right out of sight

And these bones, they don't look so good to me
Jokers talk and they all disagree
One day soon, I will laugh right in the face of the poison moon

You look in the mirror
I'm sorry, but it can't be replaced
You're thrown straight out in that cruel parade
Buttoned down and laced
It starts like fascination, it ends up like a trance
You've gotta use your imagination on some of that magazine romance

And these bones--they don't look so good to me
Jokers talk and they all disagree
One day soon, I will laugh right in the face of the poison moon
One day soon, I will laugh right in the face of the poison moon

And Yet Again

fbern06@gmail.com (Frankiecon) — Mon, 27 Apr 2009 20:10:00 +0000

Humiliation was the theme of the weekend for me.

On Saturday morning I had to pass through the suburban town of San Carlos. I am driving a van that is brightly painted with our stores logo and rainbows and bagels, so you can't confuse this vehicle as a Bagel delivery van. Unless your a moron.

I'm driving along El Camino Real (The road of Kings) when I hear the siren and see flashing lights from behind me. I pull over, and give the female officer a smile and say whats up? She said she pulled me over for registration issue. it hasnt been renewed according to the tag on my plate.

She also said the brakelight was broken. I gave her my license, old registration and insurance.

As I am sitting there, another police car pulls up and i see the new cop on the scene who is also a female get out of her car and gets in sort of a swat tactic team stance and is looking at me from the passenger side of my van. A minute later the 1st officer reaches my window and tells me to step out of the vehicle. I ask, is something wrong? She says, you didn't tell me you were on parole. I told her that whenever I am pulled over that is usually the officers job to ask and I tell them that I am. She takes me onto the sidewalk by my arm, with a certain amount of aggressive pressure and tells me to turn around and put my hands on my head.

Oh no, I thought. That usually means I am going to be cuffed. But then she asked if I had anything sharp on me. I said no. She had these rubber gloves on me and her one hand got stuck between my hair and interlocked fingers and her rubber glove. She's pulling my hair as she tries to free her hand from my head and finally just yanks and pulls out strands of hair. Hey lady, I really am getting old and each hair up there is very important to me, i wanted to scream.

she went about searching me. When my legs weren't far enough apart she kicked my ankles to spread them more. She was having a good time roughing me up while passengers drove by on the busiest street in San Mateo county craned their necks to see what's goin on.

she finds nothing, she asks me what's in the van. I say bagels. She said, "Bagels aren't illegal." I wanted to tell her well you are sure treating me like they are. Now, she tells me to sit on the curb and while i am sitting the other cop decides to trade banter with me in her trying-as-hard-as-she-possible-can tough gal controlling cop routine. she asks me what i am on parole for, I told her shoplifting. I saw the energy level drop down a few notches. It seemed she wanted someone who was a bank robber or child killer.

Meanwhile the three remaining orders I have in the van are purposely dumped all over the back floor and I can see her acting like she lost a contact lens while late to a shooting range. She's throwing things all over. That's when I dropped my head into my hands and an overwhelming sadness just washed over me.

Usually when I am pulled over, the officer sees that I am working, and am not a threat to the community. I am doing the right thing and they tell me to keep up the good work without hassling me. I'm one in a bunch that is actually doing my parole very well.

After she is done, she makes me sign two tickets and as I am told I can go now she shouts out in a sinister way, "Have a nice day." I don't even give her the satisfaction of looking back. I get in my van and drive.

I enter the freeway and within 2 minutes, I see sirenlights and hear a cop barking orders to me in the way he wants me to pull over. He comes up to my window, and I tell him, while holding up my ticket, license registration, and insurance card , "I just got this from the San Carlos Police not 5 minutes ago with the whole search and seizure thing. I am on parole and if you would like we can do this all over again."

He just took my license and came back within minutes and told me he can't predict what just happened to me and to go home and get that stuff taken care of. He was alright.

I called my boss and told him what happened and he felt bad about me having to go through all of that so he said he would rent a van until we get the other van straightened out. I tell him he doesn't have to do that and the registration is 6 months overdue and the chances of being pulled over were slim, he insisted on me not going through that crap again. So I had a rental the next Sat night/Sun morning. I have two great bosses.

All of this must have drained me plus the 5 to 6 hours of sleep I was getting all week. I slept from 4pm Sun. to 6 am Monday. That's 14 hours. I did wake up a few times after about 8 and my body told me to lay back down. I needed that I guess. I feel like a zilllion bucks today.

Today is my stepdad"s birthday. Happy Birthday Jimmy, I love you.

Please read my favorite blogger's new post. it's right here. When you're finished you will know why she is my virtual sponsor. Her name is Babz. And she's always on my sidebar, too.

Until next time

Art-the Terracotta Army

Police and Thieves-Junior Marvin

Herosuper

fbern06@gmail.com (Frankiecon) — Tue, 21 Apr 2009 23:39:00 +0000

It's about 4:40 am. And I am at my least favorite delivery address. It's on the corner of Larkin and Ellis. Not as bad as a crack corner as Ellis and Jones at this hour, but still pretty bad. It's the same place where the one guy who tried to rip off my laptop while I was in the place of delivery got a big surprise from skinny old me.

As I am carrying the three bags of bagels into the Hostel I hear a guy yelling at the top of his lungs. I looked over and saw he was yelling at a lady who must have weighed 85 lbs. I went in and was out in less then a minute when I saw the guy back handing her across the face and punching her in the shoulder and chest area. I looked around and there were a bunch of on lookers; gang banger wanna be's. They were laughing and pointing and urging the dude on.

I ran over there with my cell phone in my hand, pretending I was calling 911 and told the guy to knock it off. He did and as soon as she was able, she took off running. He gave me a hard stare but then ran after her all the while picking up trash off the street and throwing it at her. She got to a car and circled it as the guy tried to catch her.

I told the guy the police are on their way but this only momentarily stopped him. I got near the girl and told her in a low voice that I was going to my van and if she needed help, I told her to run as fast as she could and jump in the passenger seat.

I left and got in my van and within 10 seconds she climbed in and screamed at me, "GO GO GO"

I took off and saw the guy running but he gave up. She told me that was her boyfriend. She then showed me her lip which he had punched the night before. Man was it swollen. I drove her a safe distance away from that corner and told her that I had to finish my route and that she should be alright for awhile. She had a grocery bag with her and she begged me for a dollar so she could get some milk so she could eat the cereal that was in the bag. I complied and gave her the rest of my Odwalla and a couple of bagels. She thanked me and thanked me and thanked me.

I just can't stand creeps who hit women. No matter what she did or what he thought she did, he could have resolved the conflict without resorting to physical violence. As I drove off she waved to me with a big smile. She was grateful. She was about to be pummeled and out of nowhere a stranger came to her rescue and now she could eat her cereal in peace.

I felt like a hero. It made me feel good. Someone told me that I should have just decked the guy, but that is one crazy corner and who knows what weapons he might have been carrying. All I had was a cell phone. Plus it was much more exciting high tailing out of their, saving a woman and feeling like I was in a old Kurt Russel movie.

Peace

Until Next time

ART-Free Documentaries.org

The Gossip-Standing in the Way of Control

Ham

fbern06@gmail.com (Frankiecon) — Sat, 18 Apr 2009 21:24:00 +0000

I can't help it, I am a camera hog. Dude on my right looks like he wants to punch my lights out. I did my monthly volunteer work to help beautify ugly parts of SF. Unfortunately, this particular clean up was at a High School that specializes in art, and there wasn't that much beautifying to do. These kids keep the place very clean and I was happy to see all of their works on display outside in their courtyard. We basically picked up discarded trash thrown from car windows that passed by. I will never throw trash outside my window again. I'll wait until I get to a trash can. Pretty lazy of us. How can a little bit of garbage bother us so much to make us throw it out the window? Anyway, I spoke with my old parole officer during the entire time. He gave me nothing but praise as far as my parole behavior is concerned. He's a cool guy, who loves to give advice, and when he does he uses the us and we statements instead of "You have to set goals for yourself and achieve them............." He said he believes I will be off parole in June.

Speaking of parole, I listened to a radio interview with the former warden at San Quentin who now is the director of some high post in the Corrections dept. She said she is totally against having non violent parolees on parole after they finish their sentence. Only 2 states do this and it only keeps our prison population up because of minor violations by non violent offenders. Other states that so not have this policy, do not have more crime. They have more money to spend on schools and public works projects. she pointed out how each parole agent has an overloaded caseload. She said that if we eliminated parole for non violent offenders, these agents could concentrate on the parolees who need supervision, The violent and serious offenders. The 5 officers who were shot a few weeks ago by a violent offender on parole might be alive and well today if more resources were put into helping and watching these guys. Instead, agents half to spend most of their days riding around on patrol looking for a guy who missed an appointment and have to arrest them for the parole warrant that went out for them.

OK enough of that.

I was in a major funk when I woke up Sat. night to go to work. My jovial spirit was in the dumper and my co workers noticed because they were looking at me wide eyed and nervous because of the rotten expression I was wearing on my face. It was going to be a long night filled with crappy thoughts and self pity.

On my third top, an older woman was watching me load the order into a cafe. It took me about 5 minutes because it was a big order. When I had finished, AI noticed she was still staring at me in a nervous way. so I walked 10 feet up to her and asked if there was anything wrong. She told me she had missed the bus and was stranded outside all night because of a fight with her roommate. She said she was going to ride the buses all night until the morning when she could go home while he was gone. She asked me for a ride to a busier part of town where she could get on a bus. We were in a very deserted part of the city at 2 in the morning. I said OK, but you better not stab me.

When we reached my next delivery, I asked her if she really wanted to ride the buses all night and she was welcome to ride with me all night until 9 in the morning. I explained I was driving to Berekley, Oakland, San Jose, Saratoga, Redwood City and Millbrae, and then back to SF. She thought for a moment and said OK. I said, "listen, I am not going to hurt you, I just think you might need a little help." She said, "I read people very well and I already know that"

Along the route we talked and talked and talked. My6 problems, her problems, politics, film, you name it. She gave me such great advice to what had been bothering me since I woke up, and much more on different subjects. I fed her, Gave her her favorite juice, Odwalla Superfood, and then when I saw she was desperately trying to stay awake when the sun was coming up, I tilted he seat back and told her to take a nap. she was out cold in a matter of seconds.

I have a heavy heart whenever I see an older woman who is in trouble. Whether there bag ladies, homeless, panhandlers it just breaks my heart. I always try to give them a little something to help ease whatever burden they might be facing. But I had never done anything like this.

We got back to the city at 9 and i dropped her off at her favorite cafe on Leavenworth St and we thanked each other for the kindness. She was definitely sent to me by god. She was one of my guardian angels because without her who knows how I might have reacted to being in such a foul mood. Here's a picture of her on the bottom and if I ever see her again, I'm going to take her out for lunch or coffee. And more thearpy!

Until next time

Art-van Gogh a hero, AI love his story

Angel-Sarah Mclaughlin

Ma, Look What I Found

fbern06@gmail.com (Frankiecon) — Mon, 13 Apr 2009 01:53:00 +0000

When I was younger, I had a friend named George. I once asked George how many cousins he had. He said he had no idea. Over 50 he guessed. I was astounded. How could you not know how many cousins you have, I thought.

Well, over the past few weeks, I noticed I had become George.

I know every cousin on my mother's side. she has one brother who had 9 kids. On my Dad's side I knew my aunt had 2 kids. When I was a teenager my uncle on my Father's side had a boy. And I met a cousin I didn't know about at my sister's baby's baptism almost two years ago. That equaled 14. I was off by almost ten.

Since I don't have any contact with my dad, I thought his side of the family shunned me because of what I had done with my life. Well I received letters from 2 aunts on my father's side who had noticed I was on facebook. They updated me on everything, the short version. I also received a nice letter from my cousin Kait.

Kait's letter was real nice. She told me she was reading my blog and my Aunt Cindy gave me a brief rundown of the last 30 years in one of her emails. It turns out there are two other boys she had during those years who are both in law school. Brendan and Kevin.

I also received a letter from my aunt Janet who I know had one boy with my uncle Tommy. Turns out she and him had 3 more. James, Christopher, and Billy.

Then there's my Uncle Ronnie who passed away in 93. He had 2 kids with my aunt Ruth that i didn't know about. Eddie and Alex.

My Aunt Cindy sort of said she was mad at my dad for his lack of contact in our lives but it isn't his fault. If I hadn't gone on a 20 year spree I would have known everyone of these new cousins I never knew I had. Some of these kids have kids of their own already. So what are they called? 2nd cousins? I don't even know. I thought 2nd cousins were from your grandmas sister's kids.

I'm just glad that I found all of this out and I had a very nice correspondence with my 2 aunts who are not shunning me or think I'm a slimeball. It seemed like they were glad and maybe even a little proud of me.

Easter was OK. I slept through it. Actually I got home from work at 10 and slept from noon until four. Guess I needed it. I talked to Mom, Jimmy, Johnny, and Stacey and tried a few other people but got voicemail. I also got to talk with one of the people who reads my blog and had a nice conversation while I was working Friday night. Anyone else want to talk? Email me. Ha! Happy Holiday everyone

Until next time

Art-One of my favorite photography sites-Moodstream by Getty Images

I love Al Green

Al Green-Lay it Down (Long Video)

Parole-a-go-go

fbern06@gmail.com (Frankiecon) — Thu, 09 Apr 2009 23:07:00 +0000

After a 12 hour day of work on wed. my parole agent demanded I go see (her) when I got off work.
I think they like doing this to people. Scaring the hell out of them when all they want to see you for is a urinalysis or paper signing thing. Hundreds of thoughts were racing through my head. Was I in trouble for admitting to using last month? I stopped at the bank and withdrew some cash just in case I was going to be locked up for some technicality or mistake. You just never know.

I arrived exhausted. I got there around 3 pm and had been awake since 1 the night before. I waited. And waited. and waited. Finally the head honcho who I help with volunteering every month walked past the glass partition and shook his head and gave me the shame shame sign. What the Fuck! He smiled as he went on his way, and I tried to decipher if it was a sadistic you're ion trouble smile or a I'm fuckin with ya smile.

After an hour my agent called me in. All she wanted was my pay stubs so she could make copies to send to Sacramento. Then she gave me some great news. I am being put on mail in status. They do not do this for murderers or kidnappers. They do this for people who are least likely to violate and need the least amount of supervision. No more parole office visits. No more house visits. I just have to mail in a form each month stating my progress.

The best part was when she told me that this was a good sign for me. Many people who are on mail in status are in the last months of their parole or are getting an early discharge. I have over a year before i officially retire my prison number. But it's looking very good. The head honcho popped his head in and asked if I would help out next month. I assured him that I would be there and he also said it was looking good as far as early discharge is concerned.

Yippppppeeeeeee! I want to be free so bad. This 50 mile radius dog leash they have on me is driving me nuts. I want to go to Vegas. I want to go to Portland. I want to go to Florida. I want to go to LA. I want to go to Hawaii. I want to go to a tropical island. It may happen soon.

Until next time

Art-Boccioni, Unique Forms of Continuity in Space

Elvis Costello-Pump it Up