There is so much that I learn every time I teach a yoga class. How to listen, how to guide, how to experience a moment and how these moments connect me to the people who are there to practice with me. And in a way, I know that my youtube channel is offering myself as a yoga instructor to people, possibly all over the world. My classes are put out into the vast web of the internet and I do hope that I can reach people that need a way to find some truth in themselves at home, or maybe even as a small group.

Yoga studios seem to be taking Brooklyn by storm and teaching opportunities appear to be plenty. I know that there of course are a lot of other qualified, amazing yoginis and yogis that also want to share their gift and teach at the same places that I am applying. And I am taking their classes as well. To be in the presence of other yogis/yogis is energizing and nourishing and every time I walk out of a class I feel motivated to teach; I am reaffirmed that teaching yoga is what I am supposed to do. My dharma, true path, is the sharing of movement, energy, truth, dance and yoga. And because I have found it difficult to offer classes on a regular basis here in Brooklyn, I have been feeling frustrated the past few months.

I will not give up and accept defeat. I know that there is a space for me in this wonderful community and every day I am embracing it and becoming more involved with the people that are coming together on their yoga mats. I am learning what they love, and I am learning how I can improve my teaching, how to embrace different styles and techniques of alignment and modifications of asanas throughout classes. My training did not finish two years ago when I received my RYT 200. It is a continuous path of discovery and challenges.

I am ready for what is coming. I know that my daily practice and dedication to my education will be the driving force of whatever it is that comes next. Next is unpredictable; whether it be teaching a few weekly classes at various studios, subbing as much as I can, focusing on my youtube series, or offering community and/or private classes in Prospect Park. Whatever it will be, I know that I am opening my heart and, even though I have fear of the unknown, I will soar higher.

Breathe. Listen. And Be You.

Here is the link to my latest youtube class: https://youtu.be/vOJBDQyvoy0

It would be a traumatic experience for anyone to move cross country, make a big life change at a very old age of 14 (for a cat). She handled it with grace. Once we figured out that she needed the type of litter she was used to using and we put it in her litter box then she stopped peeing in her food bowl. We were very worried for a second that she was angry, but she was just confused and scared of being in an unfamiliar place. After a day or two of hiding under the couch and only coming out to drink, eat and use the litter box, Little Kitty began to cuddle with us on the couch. She began to follow us around the apartment; from the living room, to the bathroom, to the kitchen and the bedroom. Little Kitty began to strut around the apartment after a few weeks, knowing that this was now where she belonged.

I think she saw us as big cats. She loved it when we would just sit on the couch or lay in bed reading before we went to sleep. She would jump up onto our bed, figure out a way to get on top of our pillows when we were not paying attention, and cuddle up, right in-between us. She would stare at me straight in my eyes, not blinking until I would reach my hand out and pet her soft fur. Then her eyes would close, she would be so happy even after a few seconds of being pet. Little Kitty would lay next to me on the couch, snuggled up close to my chest and fall asleep in my arms.    

She also had a fascination with yoga, which I found to be so encouraging. It was almost as if she was trying to learn what my body was doing. I would be in downward dog and she would walk up slowly to me on my mat, then plop her self right underneath me on her side, looking up as if to say, “is this how it’s done?” or “why don’t you try this pose instead?”

There were only a few things that scared Little Kitty: rolling out the yoga mat onto the floor (because of the noise it made) and the vacuum (also due to its powerful noise making capabilities). Once the yoga mat was on the floor though, she would walk back into the living room from wherever she had sped off to hide and she would find me on my mat. Often the would just sit right next to my mat, or at the very corner by my feet, and fall asleep.

The second she heard the vacuum come out of the closet, Little Kitty would dart into the bedroom to hide. We would vacuum all of the apartment and save the bedroom for last while Little Kitty hid behind our pillows. I would then carry her into the living room while the vacuum roared in our bedroom for the last few minutes.

I haven’t vacuumed since Little Kitty passed away last Tuesday morning. I guess part of the reason is that once I do clean up all of the Little Kitty hairs on the floor and under the couch, I know that there won’t be any left. That is silly but it makes me sad to think that I’ll never have to clean up Little Kitty’s soft hair anymore. She was so soft and fluffy, and beautiful.

It has been over a week and I still think that I can see movement out of the corner of my eye. I expect it to be her. It is just my imagination, and habit. She would always be there, waiting to snuggle, waiting to jump up on my lap while I was typing. She often would get on the desk and climb onto the mouse or keyboard, as if she knew I needed to take a break and just enjoy her simple and loving company. I miss her so much.

Jeffrey found her that morning. We woke up to her crying loudly. He jumped out of bed right away. It wasn’t a normal Little Kitty cry, it sounded like she was so scared. I got up a little slower, still in a dream daze. As I was getting out of bed Jeffrey walked back into the room and said Little Kitty threw up. I walked out of the bedroom and into the living room. She was on her side, her head lifted up and she was meowing. Jeffrey was trying to pet her, but she was scared and hissed at him. She couldn’t move her legs though. I had never seen her so weak. I grabbed my phone and called the vet down the street. They weren’t open yet, but they had a number for a 24-hour emergency pet clinic. I called them right away. Told them what happened. Told them we would be there as soon as we could. Jeff grabbed some towels and the carrier for her. There was throw-up all over her legs and on the floor. Some of it was drying already. She had been on the floor for awhile. It broke my heart.

We placed her in the carrier. She didn’t resist at all, not like she usually would when we gave her baths or took her to get her nails trimmed at the vet. She was frightened, but a little calmer as we carried her to the car. I hope she was comforted by our presence. I drove and Jeffrey held her in his lap. She was breathing quickly, her little tummy moving in and out.

They took her right in and the vet came down after about 20 minutes to explain what was happening. We thought maybe it was an allergic reaction as she has had problems in the past. The doctor said they were going to have to do a lot of tests to figure out what was happening. They wanted to keep her for up to 24-hours to stabilize her and observe her. They let us go upstairs and see her before we left. She was in an ICU unit, they were hydrating her and feeding her oxygen. She was laying down and I am not sure if she could hear us, but we told her we loved her and that we would be back soon to pick her up. Jeff and I thought we were going to get a call later that day or evening saying that she was improving and that we would be able to take her back home. An hour after we left though, the doctor called.

Little Kitty was not responding well to the treatments that they were giving her. Her heartbeat and breathing were slowing down. He wanted to know if anything in our apartment was toxic that she could have eaten. We don’t have anything, I said. I double checked at home and nothing was accessible to her, no plants were eaten or chewed on. They called us back again twenty minutes later and told us that Little Kitty had a seizure and that she was not responding and that they were helping her breathe. We went straight back to the clinic.

I didn’t know it at first, but the second I saw her on the table I knew that we were there to say goodbye to Little Kitty. Her eyes were dilated, she wasn’t moving at all, and her breathing was assisted by a nurse. Little Kitty was already gone. It was so hard to watch Jeffrey say goodbye to Little Kitty. I wanted to save her, to revive her, to pick her up and take her home. There was nothing we could do. And the doctor said that if they took an MRI and found out what was wrong it would still be very unlikely that we would ever be able to take her home. We were able to be with her when the doctor put her down. We cried a lot. We gave her kisses and touched her soft fur for the last time.

We still are not quite sure what caused her initial seizure in the middle of the night in our living room. The doctor told us that she most likely had a tumor in her brain that had gotten large enough to initiate the first seizure. There were no symptoms or signs. And Little Kitty could not tell us that she had headaches for quite some time. We still are not sure , but I think that I don’t need to know exactly what it was that ended Little Kitty’s life.

We didn’t go home until 10PM that evening. We wanted to stay out with friends. It was too hard to go home and not have her there. Jeffrey and I cried together again when we did finally walk through the door. We stood there, half-expecting her to run around the corner and walk up to our feet. Instead the apartment was silent. And then the sound of our tears filled it. We laid in bed that night together, I held Jeffrey in my arms, and we told each other stories about Little Kitty.

We talked about all of the silly things that she had done and how she loved to play with her purple ball even at age 15; how she could jump up in the middle of the night onto our bed, basically right into my face in order to see what it was we were doing, laying quietly for hours on end.

Her death doesn’t seem real to me at this moment. Little Kitty is still so vibrant in my mind. She is still with me today and I do not think that will change. Her physical presence is gone, but because we had connected in life I know that our connection is impossible to break. Even when thousands of miles apart two molecules that once touched and connected are still affected by one another.

The day after Little Kitty passed, I bought a new sketchbook. Jeffrey and I have decided to start writing children’s stories about Little Kitty. I just want to share her with everyone that needs a companion and some sweetness in their life.

I have also included the link below to my latest yoga class on youtube that I recorded 2 days before Little Kitty died. She actually walks up to me a few times on my mat in the video. I find it to be so sweet.

https://youtu.be/lrNDPR7rzG0

Breathe. Listen. And BE YOU!

It has almost been 9 months since I last posted here on WordPress. I cannot pinpoint a reason for becoming distant from my writing practice, but I do know that I felt I did not have time to write every day and that not a lot of people were reading my posts. So I decided to place my focus elsewhere. I have been dedicating my yoga practice to self-healing and have been sharing free classes via youtube (click here to take a class with me!). I am developing new ways to reach out and share my yoga practice. I want to teach, whether at a studio or for private clients. Recently, I have been able to be on my mat more and take in the juiciness of a consistent yoga practice, sometimes even up to 3 hours in a day — not all at once though

All of this opened up for me about 6 months ago when I decided that I wanted to pursue a career in real estate. I had been working for the Vitamix Corporation for almost 3 years, and I felt that I had gotten what I could out of the position and needed to balance my life with more play. My mother has been in the RE industry for almost 25 years and in high school and college I worked part-time for her as an administrative assistant. I knew the basics, and knew that becoming a licensed Real Estate Salesperson would allow me to also stay in Brooklyn and develop a weekly teaching schedule at yoga studios. 

Now, for the first 3 months that I was licensed I was working in an office from 9am-5pm. It wasn’t exactly what I envisioned, but I was learning from the top-producing agent in the office and I am grateful for the time I was able to spend on his team. A few weeks ago I made the decision to start my own team, mostly working from home and developing my own business. As Keller Williams Realty says, the goal for me is to create “a business worth owning, a career worth having, and a life worth living!”

And so I begin this journey. I am now a Licensed Real Estate Salesperson, Certified Yoga Instructor, Modern Dancer, and Choreographer. I am also so much more, and am learning to experiment with other things like photography and film, fiction writing, theatre, and gardening. Just the other day I planted some basil, peppers, and a few other herbs;I cleared out some dead plants that I had accidentally left on the terrace during the winter months; I created a sense of sustainability in my Brooklyn apartment. 

I am taking one day at a time, one hour, one breath, and one thought. These things all seem impossible at times. A mountain that I have to climb all by myself. Yet, others have done it and have left their footprints, have left maps with great detail on how to achieve similar goals. And I also know that I have people at my side who will cheer me on, pick me up when I fall down, and encourage me to try again when I fail. 

“Success is the ability to go from one failure to another with no loss for enthusiasm.”–Unknown

And so I say, bring it on life!

I am sharing a new yoga class here that I hope is approachable for beginners and yoginis/yogis alike. It is a 20 minute Sun Salutation Warm Up Series. Enjoy! 

Breathe. Listen. Be You!

Most people see stretching as a warm up or cool down that goes in tandem with their workout, maybe running or aerobics. You can lengthen your muscles easily by stretching for a few minutes, removing built up lactic acid and softening the tight muscles that you feel. Fortunately, if you practice yoga on a regular basis, you are taking part in a cardiovascular exercise which also lengthens your muscular tissues in many different ways throughout each asana you flow through on the mat.

Yin Yoga is a deep stretching flow. For the past three weeks, I have been taking a yin approach to my practice at least once a day. Rather than stretching simply at the end of my practice, I create a flow of long deep stretches. I remain in each pose for 3 to 5 minutes. Once I breathe and relax into the stretch, I am able to lengthen more than the muscles, the surface of my tissues. There is deep connective tissue, fascia, that needs to be released, stretched, and healed. When the fascia receives some attention, the body will start to respond and react, to shift and align into a more spacious position.

If you have attended a yoga class, you have probably heard an instructor say that our hips carry and store a lot of tension, both emotional and physical. A common pose that yoga teachers use to relieve and stretch the hips is pigeon or Eka Pada Rajakapotasana. There are many variations of pigeon or a similar hip opener like thread the needle (sucirandhrasana) or knee to ankle pose (agnistambhasana) that can also be used for a deep hip stretch. In most classes, such as vinyasa or power yoga style practices, you will stretch in pigeon for maybe 60 seconds, which will release some muscular tightness.

Bringing balance to your body is easy in a Yin Yoga practice. At least 3 minutes will be spent in pigeon, maybe then 3 more minutes in knee to ankle pose. Flowing slowly and taking time to sink into the pose allows the stretch to go from just the surface muscular tissue, down into the fascia, the connective tissue. Fasciae are a collagen based, fibrous and connective tissue. They surround the muscles, muscle groups, blood vessels and nerves. While fasciae bind some muscular groups together they also provide the ability for muscles to slide between and around one another, giving smoother motion to your body.

I know that lying in pigeon for three minutes will not only lengthen the muscles in my hips, a longer length of time will stretch the fascia in my hips. I can feel the difference as I breathe into the stretch; after one minute there is a light stretching in my hip and after 3 the tension that was deeply stored within my hip has slowly released, it has slowly begun to feel like a different placement, as if my sacrum, lower back, and hip has widened and taken up more space.

We have all heard the term Yin and Yang. Much of what we are exposed to in a yoga class can be identified as Yang yoga. It is a relatively fast flow of asanas which focuses on the strength of the muscles. Yin yoga can balance that practice by focusing on the flexibility and health of our deep connective tissue. After all, you cannot have one without the other. The healing can begin with the deep connective tissue, strengthening the body from the inside out. Yin yoga has developed my asana practice into something more than just physical alignment. I know now that as I create more space in my body, more ease of movement that I am also creating more space in my mind.

My practice this morning was meditative, slow, I was patient with myself, non-judgmental of where I was in each pose, and I was present. And I think that is the most important thing: I had more awareness during my yin practice this morning than I had during my hatha yoga class last night. And so I will create a more balanced practice on my mat every day. That is my vision: to develop a daily practice that stimulates my energy and also goes deep into the Self.

Breathe. Listen. And Be You.

The first time I stepped my feet into the ocean I was 14, the summer before my freshman year of high school. We were on vacation in Florida. My siblings and I had never even seen the ocean until this point in our lives. When we first got out of the car in the hotel’s parking lot, we all ran to the water. My mother followed and watched the three of us step into the ocean together. I remember it being refreshingly, cool. I also remember spending the next 6 days in the water, enjoying the saltiness that I never experienced before. 

A strange sensation at first: being wet all over and soaked from head to toe, while at the same time feeling the dryness on my lips and in my hair, the saltiness in my mouth. And every time I step into the ocean and the water touches my skin I am still so surprised of how it makes me feel. It is a feeling of being cleansed. The salty water exfoliating my skin and taking off a layer, gently yet noticeably. Refreshing the outer layer of my physical being. Pulling me closer to a deeper truth. 

The ocean water and the sun rejuvenated me yesterday. Today my skin is soft, brown like a berry (as my mother would say), and smooth. 

I felt confident in the water yesterday. When jumping into the waves I had no doubts. When we know something for so long we forget how easily things can change and challenge you. I was met abruptly with a new form of fear at the beach.

While swimming by myself, my friends and husband taking in the sun on our blankets, I was taken by the power of the ocean. She gave me a a gift, a reminder of how much I actually control and that risks have their consequences.

I swam past where the waves were breaking. And I was enjoying some smaller and calmer rhythms of movement. The water was up to my ribs, I wasn’t too far out. I felt a pulling near my feet and the water was suddenly only at my knees. There was a man swimming in front of me and I could see excitement in his eyes. A huge wave was forming about 30 feet in front of him, maybe 35 feet in front of me. He began to swim toward it. I thought it would be best to follow his lead. I knew I would not be able to out swim the wave toward shore. It was coming fast, gaining momentum and height. The man in front of me caught the wave perfectly and was on top of it as it came crashing forward. I kicked and moved my arms as I have done so many times before, attempting to also catch the rhythm of this wave and join it.

A wave hit me from the side and then the other side, taking me under, pulling me down. I kept kicking. My mind whispered,”shit”. Fear took over for a few seconds. I didn’t know which way was up. I was tumbling in more than one direction. I kept kicking. A thought in the back of my mind came up, “What is going to happen to me?” I kept kicking and I broke the surface. Gasping for air, I realized that my bathing suit was not completely covering my breasts. My hair was in my face. I could barely see the shore in front of me. I was about waist deep. 

I fixed my suit and looked behind me. An even bigger wave was already barreling down on me. I started swimming. I felt so disoriented. “Here we go again,” I thought. Trying to catch my breath as I swam the wave hit me. Pushing me forward and then pulling me down and back. Tumbling and spinning. I found the sand underneath and stood up. Both of my breasts were out and my bottom was hanging out for the world to see. I may have swallowed a bit of salt water. The taste of the waves were strong in my mouth. The water was calm again. I fixed my suit so that I was covered. Spitting salty water out of my mouth, I slowly walked to shore. I could see Jeffrey watching me. I waved at him. He could tell I was alright. I walked back to my blanket and he told me my knee was bleeding. I did not remember scraping it, but it all happened so fast. 

I began to talk about what happened; how surprised I was at the strength of the undertow and the wave’s pull on me, taking me under and disorienting me. Never before had I felt fear in water. I have always felt capable of handling what was coming at me. Even swimming in Hawaii where the waves were much bigger, I never felt out of control of what was going to happen. 

I sat and breathed for awhile. A part of me could not get over the fact that I had lost control. I laid down and closed my eyes. I replayed what happened in my mind a few times. Even now, sitting and writing this, I can close my eyes and feel the pulling of those waves, strong and mighty compared to the kicking of my legs. How powerful the ocean is. It is a strength that is so beautiful and mystifying. Watching the waves is something that I have always loved.  Something so beautiful also has a darkness. Just like I have light and shadows within. The sun is glorious, shining and giving us energy through its rays, nourishing the earth and plants which we consume. Rays of the sun can also burn.

So many things in life can pull me under, without warning, into a darkness. A darkness in which I may feel lost, in which I do not know which path to take next. I must keep kicking. I must keep swimming and jumping back in the water. I will swim mindfully. I will use my yoga practice to cultivate the skills I need to adapt to the darkness, and also skills I will need to find the light. When the waves come crashing in, I will join them. 

I got back in the water an hour later. I swam with more caution. I swam with more awareness and consciousness. I swam with an open heart.

Then after two days of feeling really lazy I got on my yoga mat. After sitting in child’s pose for a good 15 min, sort of contemplating the fear of hurting my wrist even more, I began to move through some asanas on my mat. I found a nice, vigorous flow that did not involve the use of my hands or wrists at all. It felt perfectly balanced, like a deep stretch throughout my body, and I was able to protect my wrist when needed. That morning I realized that my practice had been dependent on Downward Dog for quite some time; that I had stuck with one way of approaching sun salutations, one way of moving through both sides of my warrior II and all standing poses. I have really been able to find a new yoga practice that is much more grounded (not to mean that I am lying on the ground the entire time).

I have been able to find my feet. The energy rising up from the earth, through my arches and into my shins and thighs. Gathering up this energy into my heart and then sending it back down my spine and all the way through my heels, back into the earth and creating a balance. More lift and length has come out of my mountain, and I have engaged my muscles in my abdomen and back that I never used to acknowledge when standing on two feet.

Finding a practice that is challenging and also healing has become easier now. I am not pushing through the physical strain. I am embracing the physicality of the asana practice while using my breath to lighten and lengthen the pose. Pranayama has flowed back into my practice. My diaphragm has been exercised in a way that has been lacking from my yoga practice the past 6 months or so. I am more aware of the breath and energy I bring into my body, and more aware of what I need to release.

And this new approach to yoga, a kindness and loving understanding for myself, has given me a clearer presence and awareness. There have been fewer thoughts rising up from the past while on my mat. And I find myself, the rest of the day, more often in a state of peace and stillness; of listening.

Listening to my body, to my wrist and hands, has been key these past two weeks. I am being gentle with this healing process. I am not pushing my wrist to get better. It is weak and I recognize that it needs time and it needs love. And so I have not been using my left hand. I have not attempted downward dog, as tempting as it can be, because I know that I need to heal fully in order to move forward.

Each day is an opportunity to listen to what my body needs. Yoga does not require that I perform downward dog on my mat at least 5 times, or between each standing pose. Yoga means to bring body, mind, and spirit into harmony. And placing unnecessary pressure or strain on any body part will bring those parts of me into a place of imbalance. Yoga can be breath, it can be meditation, dance, deep relaxation, maybe even a walk out in the park. Yoga is my practice to develop, enhance, change and adjust so that it best suits my state of being in the present moment.

Yoga does not mean downward dog. Or headstand, or warrior II. Yoga does not depend upon what I did the day before. It depends upon who I am. And I am here exactly as I am meant to be.

Breathe. Listen. Be You.

I am interested in a balance on my yoga mat which is more than physical and muscular balance. Yes, it is important for our well-being, our nervous system, and our spine’s health, to balance the left and right sides of our bodies. It is also very important, in order to find physical balance so that we can stand in tree pose, or maybe warrior III, to work on the balance of our mind. What I tend to think about on my yoga mat during my asana practice are other things; things of the past or of the future. Sometimes though, I can get trapped within negative thoughts. And it is with that mindset that I am limiting myself on a physical level. Finding a balance within can bring a more fulfilling practice on my yoga mat. In each pose I often compare myself to how the pose should look, or maybe how I did it last week. I think about pushing myself harder, I breathe deeper, and once in awhile I can feel a sense of bullying from my own voice; telling me to stay in the pose, even though my leg muscles are shaking or I feel out of breath. I am not perfect and I acknowledge when my mind is out of balance. 

It is often when I am too focused on self-discipline that I have self-harming or negative thoughts. When I notice this imbalance, I bring to mind the Yamas and Niyamas. Specifically, I bring awareness to Ahimsa and Tapas, and the balance of the two. 

Ahimsa= non-harming, non-violence

Tapas= self-disciplines, effort

These two elements directly affect one another, on and off the yoga mat. It is with ahimsa that we can approach our relationship to ourselves, our practice, our bodies and our life. Through ahimsa our physical abilities will blossom and open to a new level of awareness and practice. In each asana you can come to the edge of your physical abilities, knowing you should always back off if you feel pain or lightheadedness, and with positive, self-affirming thoughts you will find yourself in a place that you did not think possible before. Even if it means simply taking one more breath, stretching a little further, or maybe fulfilling the pose to your best potential in the present moment. We can be kind to ourselves, nurturing our yoga practice while surpassing negative mental behaviors which often hold us back from our full potential.

I share with you an hour long hatha yoga class, focusing on this balance of ahimsa and tapas. I hope you can find some peace and clarity as you breathe through your practice, knowing that you are here exactly as you are meant to be. Remembering that is the essential practice of ahimsa toward your Self. And getting on your mat, even just for a few minutes each day, is the best way to develop a strong tapas. 

Breathe. Listen. Be You. 

Prana is often simplified to describe breath, the oxygen flowing in and out. Yes, each inhale and exhale represents the flow of prana, but it is much more than that. Prana is the life force, the energy within us that keeps us going. Prana is believed to be the sum of all other energies, and it flows within every living creature. Pranayama is the practice of moving this energy throughout your body. The practice allows us to engage in the present moment. Even if you think of prana simply as your breath, you can practice on a daily basis to bring more awareness to your body, your breath, your thoughts, and your Self.

To sit and listen to your breath is very challenging although it may seem like an easy feat. Thoughts try to distract you and you may be carried away from the inhales and exhales. That is ok. Allow the breath to remind you where you are: the present. And then you can let go of the past a little easier.

Engaging in our breath, rather than being a passive bystander, will engage you in your life. You will be here, ready to make a decision. Ready to say yes, to be open to a new opportunity. You can begin with deep breathing, or what we can call yogic breaths. As you bring awareness to your breath, elongate the inhales and exhales, see where the breath can reach, and bring prana to your whole Self; body, heart and mind. Inhale three-dimensionally, expanding your diaphragm in all directions. And as you exhale, letting all of the air out of your body, see if you can maintain the expansion. You can close your eyes with this practice so that all of your attention and focus is on your breath.

There are many different pranayama practices that you can include with your yoga practice. One of my favorites is called breath of fire, or Agni Pran. It really allows the prana to heat up, stirring it within and creating an awake mind. I encourage you to try some pranayama practices and incorporate more breath work and breath awareness on and off of your yoga mat.

In the following podcast class I include breath of fire within the asana practice. It is an hour long hatha yoga class. Enjoy!

Breathe. Listen. Be You.

And I know why I was able to open so much to the present while at Kripalu. I had a release, a healing, with my teacher on the three hour ride up from Brooklyn. As I climbed into her minivan, even before our road trip began, I had a sensation of something stirring within me. I had a lot of anxiety built up and a part of me knew that being with her all weekend would allow me to really face what I was struggling with internally. After hearing stories of Cathy’s journey as a yoga teacher and healer, she asked me to tell her my story, “what has Hallie been up to?” I could already sense that there was an emotional block in front of this conversation. That I felt a sense of shame; that my teacher wanted to hear of my success and I felt that I had not accomplished enough. I talked about my job, about how I am trying to put myself out into the teaching community while working, and how it was very difficult. I described it as an overwhelming process. I was unable to put into words exactly how I felt, but I told her about my new year’s resolution I had made: To be teaching yoga as my main source of income and to be reaching toward something bigger. I called it my goal and said I wanted to accomplish it by the end of 2014. 

And so the question was why have I not moved forward? I am not simply afraid of change, it is not due to a fear of failure, although there is a small amount of that, not enough to hold me back. I am breaking the family paradigm. And this is why a part of me feels that it is unrealistic to live a life in which my job is something that I am truly passionate about. There is an underlying sense of guilt that is deeply embedded within. How can I achieve my dreams when my parents, grandparents, and almost everyone I know has struggled as a middle-class, blue collar family, unable to really live out their dreams. So many people want to travel, to write, to create, and more often than not they never manifest those endeavors. And now I am at the edge. It is an edge that I feel if I cross I might be punished because it is not in tow with what every one has done before. I know that my parents want the best for me and they have sacrificed their dreams in order to start a family and raise children. I must allow myself to detach from any sense of responsibility. It is not my job to make sure that my parents, my siblings, my friends, are happy. The biggest insult to a person is to not acknowledge that they have the power within themselves to take charge of their own lives, that they have the power to make themselves happy. 

It is my responsibility to live out my vision. For without living my true dharma, I will be closed. Now I understand that I need to do the work. I realize that setting a goal is setting up restrictions because a goal is rigid and if I do not accomplish it exactly then I have failed myself. Instead, I shall call the life I want to live my vision. A vision is fluid, ever changing, adaptable and forgiving. A vision allows me to be open to further possibilities. Having a vision is acknowledging that I am able to grow through my work and my practice. My vision is to truly live the life that I was meant to live. And right now I believe that on its grandest scale, my vision is to open a healing arts and yoga retreat center, to create a space for healing, dance, yoga, music and art therapies. In order to do that I must do the work. I must practice. Yoga is the preparation for life. There are so many things that I have learned on my yoga mat and I think one of the most important is the ability to be open. When I am open and receptive then I can see all of the different and merging possibilities before me. With my sadhana, I am developing my body, my mind and my self, as a container for safety, love and freedom. 

I am carrying my ancestors’ lost visions and unachieved dreams. They are not mine to carry. I am not my mother and father, my grandparents, nor anyone before. My family and everyone in my life has the power to take responsibility for their own lives. To assume otherwise is an insult to them.

And so my work begins with myself. Yoga, meditation, pranayama and dance, singing, and chanting. These are all vehicles for opening; finding peace, self-acceptance, and self-love. Creating the person I am meant to be means cleaning out all of the unnecessary baggage that I am holding onto. That way I will be able to finally see who I am. For awhile I thought I was close. Now I know I have much farther to go. Every day is a chance for me to unchain my heart, so that one day my heart can truly guide me to freedom. To let go of the attachment I have toward my ancestors is to create more space. As I do the work I am able to brome spaciousness, creating more room for light, truth and love. And more room for my true Self to emerge. For she is powerful and needs a lot of space. 

I had dinner with one of my best friends the other night, and dessert. My energy was bright and positive, I was basically smiling as we parted ways and I headed toward the subway. I got to the 2nd Ave F train station and went down the stairs, swiped through the turnstile, and headed to the Brooklyn bound train. There is only one staircase into the platform below. I was walking toward them with quite a few people in tow. A large group was coming up the stairs, and they had obviously just gotten off a train and were on their way out.

I got close to the top of the staircase, on my very right side, and all of the sudden a woman coming up the last few steps approached me and got very close to my face. She was very angry and began yelling at me. 

“Don’t you see me?” she asked. “Do you not see me coming up the stairs?!” There was so much hate in her eyes. And I automatically drew in. Wondering why I was being verbally attacked, I tried to answer her question. Yes, I did see her, but I was in shock that she was so angry at me for wanting to walk down the staircase. 

“Excuse me, there is enough room…” I said it as calmly as possible, but before I could even finish my sentence she yelled back, “NO! No there is not!”

I remember at that moment I had a choice for a brief second. To allow her to think she was right and apologize, or to stand up for myself. 

So I chose the latter and told her “Well you can walk on the right side of the staircase like every one else.” 

She walked away. Before the could pass all of the people waiting behind me, a man looked at her and asked, “What is your problem?” Disbelief was clearly displayed across his face. The woman left and I continued down the staircase. I felt anger and heat begin to rise up with my heart beat. I began to hear the people behind me talking about the confrontation. Words like rude and horrible. I knew I had done nothing wrong, and felt like a small kid, playing by the rules, that had been caught in the wrong place at the wrong time. 

She was angry about something, maybe at the world in general. And she took it out on me. I wanted to cry, to release her negative energy that the had purged on me. For a moment, standing on the subway platform, I had a breakdown. 

How could anyone be so mean and hateful toward a stranger about something so insignificant? I was surrounded by darkness waiting for my train. I felt like the subway station, the dirt and the smell, was a symbol for the negativity in society, and I was standing in the middle of it all.

And then two women behind me reached out and told me I was in the right. They said the woman had simply misplaced her anger. I talked to them for a minute and it seemed like they were attempting to make me feel better. I thanked them and then the F train came in. As I got on the train I was very shaken up still. 

I sat down in a seat quickly. Tears were welling up in my eyes and so I found a way to bring in some light. I put on “Ma” by Guru Ganesha Singh, but I could’t bring myself to truly release any of the negativity on the train. So I sat quietly and listened to the music.

And then something strange happened. A few stops from Brooklyn a man stumbled onto the subway. There were empty seats across from me, but for some reason he squeezed in next to me. I could smell vodka . He had a plastic water bottle which he was sipping out of every thirty seconds or so. Immediately, I was uncomfortable. I just kept listening to my music. I didn’t want to appear defensive.

But then I could hear him trying to whisper in my ear. He did it a few times, leaning closer a few inches every now and then, and he fell asleep a few moments later. When he woke up we were arriving in Brooklyn and he tried to whisper in my ear again. I could feel him leaning close this time so at 4th Ave-9th St. I got off the train right before the doors closed again. I made sure to watch him leave on the train pulling away. I got on the next train about ten minutes later and walked home quickly form my stop. 

In my apartment I was able to finally release the negative energy and I did cry. It felt so good. I felt so hurt by her initial attack, but the more I thought about it I realized that I was grateful to have had encountered such a person rather than her verbally attacking someone else. I am grateful that I have the knowledge and the yoga practice to create a solid foundation. I know that I am able to encounter unexpected negativity without retaining or absorbing the energy, or taking it on as my own. I hope that other people would not have been affected by that woman’s inability to be humane, but I know that a lot of people would have been greatly influenced by her or a similar situation. 

And that is why I am writing this entry. I hope that people will read it and become more aware of how they talk to others, how they interact with strangers on a daily basis. The day after my experience with the woman in the subway I got into an elevator, on my way up to teach a yoga class, and there were two other people in it before me. They held the doors open and waited for me. After we passed a few floors, the man standing next to me said, “Isn’t it weird how little people talk to each other in New York City?”

I smiled and said, “Yea, it is a little sad actually.” We talked the rest of the ride up, and I told him briefly of my unfortunate experience the day before. 

I found some more light in the city. And I know that it is because I cultivate love on a daily basis. My daily practice allows me to open to anything in front of me. To allow myself and others to be able to express emotions truthfully. To give people a chance to reach out. And sometimes it might not be the healthiest form of emotional release, but my sadhana has a strong foundation in self-healing and I hope that my ability to bring awareness within can bring light to other situations that really are in need of it. 

Spread light. Breathe. Listen and Be You!