Two days after I arrived back in Houston, Dexter, one of the dogs at my sister-in-law's house died. My sister-in-law and family were out of town at the time. My wife and I were "taking care" of Dexter and two other dogs, Xiao Gu and Kody. Xiao Gu stayed with Dexter at home while Kody stayed at a kennel.

We picked up Kody to bring him home when we found Dexter.

Dexter was an extremely obese corgi and likely died of heart failure. He spent most of his life at an alzheimers facility where the residents fed him continuously. He would routinely take vacations to my sister-in-law's for diets. He lost a lot of weight at our "fat farm," but probably never enough. Dexter always had some trouble getting around, but he always looked happy and was a simple, sweet dog.

Dexter was 6.

Seems like all I write here anymore is Navel Gazing, but I suppose that's where I am.

This week saw three fairily significant events. First, I started with a new psychologist. She seems a devotee of Ken Burns and his Feeling Good series of books. The book has been around since the early 80s, but has come into more prominence as Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy has become more common. (My theory is that CBT is more prominent because insurance companies love it's ability to End. Analysis can take years. My psychologist doesn't believe my theory. So, for now, I don't either.)

So, I am to read the first three chapters, which I've done. I will read the chapters twice. The premise here is that all emotions flow from thoughts. Care for the thoughts, care for the emotions. The book's cover promises changes without the use of drugs. I take that as publisher-hype, but I also feel some patient-hope. Wouldn't it be nice if this were all true. I have been on Paxil for over 10 years. It would be ... different ... to be drug-free. I don't even know who I'd become.

The psychologist reminds me of my first therapist, a social-worker named "Nancy." I wonder if that will bring anything up. Admittedly, there's a little concern about this. I am not comfortable even speaking about it here. I don't think that's because it's particularly difficult, but I feel quite fraglie. I am anxious about most things psyche.

The second and third events were interviews with two local concerns. I hesitate to mention who they are. I am hopeful about one job. It's a firm that specializes in high-performance computing. The equipment, technology, and atmosphere are all top-rate. At least, that was my impression. I felt quite humbled by the technical interview, but I think they liked the way I thought through things. Perhaps there's something there.

The other company? Well, I'm not sure anything will develop there. It's a firm that is in the same squeezed position I was back when I sold The Computer Valet. Too much work. Too much business. Unsure how to bring someone in to help and how to manage that. In essence, I would be this second person. The trouble I see is a reluctance to commit on a pay-rate. We danced around this so much today that I sincerely thought we were auditioning for Dancing With The Stars. As such, I am a little pessimistic. But it's early, truthfully, and my friend Judy is a master at negotiations like this. I have yet to talk to her.

There is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so.

• Hamlet, scene ii

1970 - Born in Metairie, Louisiana.
1972 - Break arm on steel bar. Learn that bone is weaker than steel.
1974 - Brother Sean is born
1975 - Choked by teacher in school. Mom moves me to better school.
1977 - Star Wars shapes my childhood.
1977 - Make up large story about teacher having crush on me, only tell friends, who believe me. Decide I might be a good storyteller.
1980 - Empire Strikes Back
1982 - Go on Catholic Retreat for an afternoon. Experience relaxation and relfection.
1983 - "Graduate" from Grammar School
1983 - Return of The Jedi
1986 - Leave high school because people there are too many assholes.
1986 - Enter Coliseum Medical Center (i.e. Mental Hospital)
1987 - Leave Coliseum Medical Center. Go to better school. Become fairly popular.
1987 - Find home among geeks in Science Fiction Fandom.
1989 - Deflowering with Lesley, first girlfriend.
1989 - Flirt with leaving school again because people are still assholes. I don't and graduate.
1991 - Meet Crystal Guillory, second girlfriend.
1991 - Shot in the dark. I create a graphic-design portfolio, shop it around, and get an internship at Graphics Unlimited, a pre-press service bureau and design house.
1992 - Crystal and I marry.
1995 - Decide I am not happy at Graphics Unlimited any longer or my marriage
1995 - Go live with a couple of friends Jetmore, Kansas.
1995 - Realizing that there really is no life in Kansas, negotiate an art director position at Goldtree Enterprises.
1995 - Move back to Metairie, Louisiana and become Art Director at Goldtree Enterprises, a video game production company.
1995 - Meet Raye McGowen. We move in together in a matter of weeks.
1996 - Raye and I marry.
1996 - Goldtree decides to abandon publishing video games. I work for myself as graphic designer, prepress expert, and copywriter in ad agencies.
1997 - Decide to write more and become a freelance writer. Folks are skeptical.
1998 - Win award for Best of Year from Louisiana Life magazine. Get paid $1000 for one article, a princely sum.
1999 - I take a job at Alliance Prepress, but quit six months later because the owner threatened to fire me after catching cold. Quit on prinicple.
2000 - Receive a job at Rampage Systems in Waltham, MA. Raye and I move to Boston.
2001 - Tiring of machismo at Rampage, I decide to start my own support business.
2001 - Meet and hire Hillary Harris, coach, to help me with transition.
2001 - Join Business Network International (BNI) to help start my business.
2001 - Beat fear of public speaking as BNI forces weekly speeches.
2001 - Meet and become good friends with Nina Udwin, president of group.
2001 - Meet and become good friends with Judy Campbell and Stephen Peiser.
2001 - Begin The Computer Valet, working at night and on weekends.
2002 - Leave Rampage with a month notice and begin The Computer Valet.
2002 - Become president of BNI Waltham Chapter.
2003 - Meet and become good friends with Rose Gschwendter and Sally Rudicel.
2003 - Win an award: Best Technical Support in Boston 2003 from Business 2.0 magazine.
2005 - Am constantly booked, a little overbooked. Scale back business a bit and decide to take on fitness to lose weight.
2006 - Lose 65 pounds. Am no longer borderline diabetic.
2005 - Sell The Computer Valet to willing, if misguided, entreprenuer, working out a payment plan over a year.
2005 - Begin work at Sicklebrook Services on their helpdesk.
2006 - Move with Raye to Houston, TX to be closer to family. Move in with Raye's sister, Taffy.
2007 - Move into house near Taffy's house.
2007 - Begin to realize I do not like working for Sicklebrook.
2007 - Promoted to Project Manager and an executive at SickleBrook, which has become Dove Help Desk.
2008 - The stress and futility of job becomes unbearable. I resign.
2008 - I network with colleagues and friends.

1970 - Born in Metairie, Louisiana.
1972 - Broke Arm
1974 - School. Very traumatic.
1974 - Sean is born
1975 - Choked by teacher in school. Moved to St. Francis Xavier.
1978 - Major issues with teasing at school
1983 - I and two girls accuse Troy Walker of having said a bad word. It's a lie.
1984 - I swing a bar at Sean, scarring his face.
1985 - The Descent. Teasing picks up in high school.
1986 - Leave school. Go into room.
1986 - Enter Coliseum Medical Center (i.e. Mental Hospital)
1987 - Leave Coliseum Medical Center
1989 - After two more high-schools, graduate high-school.
1990 - Meet Crystal Guillory, second girlfriend.
1992 - Crystal and I marry.
1995 - Develop "Crush" on Crystal's sister, Kirby. I do not tell her and experience immense anxiety and depression over six months.
1995 - Abruptly leave first job, separate with Crystal, and move to Jetmore, Kansas. Ask friend for help with suicide because "I am incapable of love." He declines.
1995 - Move back to Metairie, Louisiana.
1995 - Meet Raye McGowen. We move in together in a matter of weeks.
1996 - Raye and I marry.
1996 - Laid off from Goldtree. I work for myself as graphic designer, prepress expert, and copywriter in ad agencies.
1997 - Become a freelance writer.
1999 - Failing that, I go back to prepress.
2000 - Receive a job at Rampage Systems in Waltham, MA. Raye and I move to Boston.
2001 - I decide to start my own support business.
2001 - Begin The Computer Valet, working at night and on weekends.
2002 - Leave Rampage with a month notice and begin The Computer Valet.
2005 - Am very successful, but feel enormously squeezed. Start to make large mistakes. I am overworked and severely depressed.
2005 - Tell inappropriate joke at business meeting and am asked to leave. I told joke out of anger and fear, angry at the success of my business.
2005 - Hurricanes Katrina and Rita affect both my and Raye's families in Louisiana and Texas. My parents lose their house and Raye's mother has an emotional setback that requires her to go into hospital.
2005 - Begin work at Sicklebrook Services on their helpdesk.
2006 - Move with Raye to Houston, TX to be closer to family. Move in with Raye's sister, Taffy.
2006 - Diagnosed with C.Difficle infection. Many months of searching and small amount of medication knock it out.
2007 - Develop "Crush" on co-worker at Sicklebrook. Go to therapy. Decide I am just hiding the fact that I hate job and try to quit, but am unsuccessful. (Owner talks me out of it.)
2007 - Stress of job increases due to high employee turnover and my taking on additional responsibilities.
2007 - Planned trip to Sedona, AZ with friends from Boston. Spend second to last night of trip considering suicide because, at 37, I feel like I've never gotten my professional life in order. I consider feigning illness to skip out on a rafting trip to find a peak from which to jump.
2008 - Spend many months assailing myself with self-talk about my inability to step up to the struggles of personnel management. Approach many mornings at work shaking from anxiety.
2008 - Experience "nervous breakdown" and leave job for three days.
2008 - While in Boston for annual company meeting, experience worsening panic-attack. I resign from job immediately. I drive around area attempting to find friends. Desperately want to jump from Tobin bridge. I do not. a.
2008 - I come back to Houston in bad shape.

I have resigned.

1. Do I want to stay here?

2. If not, how can I determine what else there is for me?

3. How can I get past the extreme anxiety I feel in conflict?

4. How can I manage stress?

I spoke once before about losing it. That was child's play.

Last Monday I left work. I walked out, as much as anyone remote can do. I closed up my chat application and logged out of the phone application. I was gone and wouldn't be coming back.

What had sent me over and out was a series of communications from a customer, one who had verbally assaulted me in the past. The last time I spoke to him, I attempted to speak with him about a technical concern. He spoke over me, interrupted me. In short, he yelled -- and it wasn't the first time. That time, I yelled back at him, telling him that I simply wouldn't speak to him any longer. I hung up and haven't spoken to him since.

On Friday last week, I worked on a ticket from his firm. The ticket called for work that we had all discussed back in December. The work would be divided among our staff and his. I performed our part of the ticket and sent the rest to his team. Somehow, he missed it and subject of this ticket called to complain that the work wasn't completed.

I received a series of emails and voice mails from him expressing his displeasure that I would not do the work for him. He denied that we had discussed this arrangement and threatened to fire us.

I have spent a lot of words on this story, but it is really a symptom of my troubles, not a cause. The stress that I felt at this moment had been building for a long time and my patience for it grows thinner every time it happens.

So, I left. And I stayed away from work for three days. My immediate boss and one co-worker knew what had really happened, but everyone else believed I was "sick." (I suppose I was, from a certain point of view.) I've thought a heck of a lot about my situation and have come to a number of conclusions.

1. I need to understand how to handle conflict. My reactions to it and my inability to detach from it are simply harming my professional and personal growth.

2. I need to develop better self-esteem. I have lagged at this for a long time. I beat myself up and don't ask for what I deserve. It's partly why I stay where I stay for so long.

I am in Boston this week, visiting with the company. Our annual mid-year meeting is tomorrow. I'll be flying back home on Wednesday.

In better news, my flight from Houston (IAH) to Boston (BOS) was quite enjoyable. For the first time, I was able to watch the entire take off and landing without getting sick. Yay!