Mike Garb - Experience The Funny!!

Apocalypse Now...Please!!!

2011-05-24T17:57:00.000-07:00

What do the Mayan's, Harold Camping, and every Jehovah's witness have in common? They all really have no f@&*ing clue when the world will end. I love the smell of wrong predictions in the morning. I also love how I dissect each END OF THE WORLD prediction Myth-buster style.

I find it amazing that we won't even believe the Doppler 8000's 5-day weather forecast, but we are willing to think an ancient civilization knew the world will end in 2012. If you actually believe in this, then I hope the big meteor, that is aimed for Earth, hits you in the face. Does any one know why the Mayan's really stopped making their mystical calendar? Because a bunch of land seeking explorers did what we did to the Indians. Yup, that's right. They got wiped out. It's kind of hard to continue a calendar when your hut is on fire. If they truly could predict the end of the world, then why couldn't they predict the end of their world? MYTH-BUSTED! One down, two to go.

Join my religion and you will be saved when the world ends. What a bunch of psycho-babbling religious bullsh*t. Ever since I was 10 years old, a Jehovah's witness has knocked on my door and told me the world will end next week. Guess what? I'm still here. Here is what boggles my mind about this religion. They want to save everyone, but believe only 400,000 of them will be saved. THEN WHY TELL EVERYONE? If we were all about to get bent over, and slammed from behind, by a major apocalypse and there was a limited amount of seating for people to be saved, would you tell anyone? I know I wouldn't. If that sounds harsh, you could always post "thanks for not telling me about the world ending" on my Facebook Wall, and end it with a frowny face. I think this world ending MYTH has been BUSTED.

I save my favorite for last, Mr Harold Camping. This is the guy who predicted the world to end on May 21st, 2011. But fear not, if you are reading this then you are safe. We all made, and hard to believe. I mean if we can rely on an 89 year old Christian Bible preaching radio broadcaster, then who the f*ck is left? God? Buddha? Allah? Obama? Kim Kardashian? Grandpa Camping just recently came out and said that he made an error and the new date to fear is October 21st, 2011. This guy was a former NASA engineer and he messed up a calculation. What happened? Did you forget to carry the one, you douche?

All of this END OF DAYS crap is just a load of pure bullsh*t. Remember Y2K? I bet you I just reminded you. All of this should be treated like an Owen Wilson movie. Slightly feared at first, but eventually ignored until it goes away. Besides, everyone knows the world will end on May 25th for millions of people when Oprah's tapes her final show.

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People Who Need to be Punched in the Face

2011-04-25T11:49:00.000-07:00

With society becoming more and more rude, arrogant and utterly obnoxious, there has to be a way to get everyone back on track. The main problem is there is no consequence, no one gets a random punch in the face anymore. There was a time when annoying people would catch a beat down, just for the hell of it. Today, the biggest jerk-off gets a reality show. We need to go back to the days of random @$$ kickings. Here are a list of people who need to be punched in the face immediately.

Anyone who still screams "WINNING" - Guess what, it's over. Has been for weeks now. The guy who started this is slowly dying and actually LOSING!!!
FIST PUMPERS - someone needs to cut these douche bags off. And does anyone else find the irony that a total jerk-off is a good fist pumper? (Think about it)
Politicians - this should be a National Holiday. I can definitely see Punch a Politician Day catching on. How is it possible the people chosen to represent the masses only make decisions that benefit the rich. Last time I checked the working middle class was about 85% of the population, that's the f***ing majority. Just pretend like you give a sh*t once in a while.
The person responsible for continually spinning off The Real-Housewives series on Bravo. - In a down economy why is it so fascinating to see a bunch of unappreciative rich c**ts complain how life is so hard. You have 5 nannies for your 2 kids, a personal chef to cook, a maid to clean, a private car to drive you around, and a husband who foots the bill. My cats eat, sh*t, and lick themselves and still do more than these woman.
Old people who drive during rush hour. - Can we please make it illegal for anyone over 70 years old to be on the road from 7 AM to 9 AM and 4 PM to 6 PM. It's not fun to be stuck behind '95 Buick Lasabre going 40 mph and with hazards flashing. I am convinced this is reason why Road Rage exists.
Bruce Jenner - I don't even hate the guy, I actually feel bad for him. Having to constantly hear Kim complain about another failed relationship with yet another C rated athlete. This guy hasn't felt a facial expression since '92, and a punch to the face may just let him know he is still alive and capable of feeling something.
The person setting the Gas Prices - Which middle eastern country do we have to bomb to get below $2/gal. at the pumps again? I'm sick of bringing a co-signer to Mobil every time I have to fill up my tank. If Gaddafi doesn't step down in the next five minutes, he's getting five across the eyes and an uppercut to follow.
People who don't give the courtesy one over when in a public bathroom. - Doesn't matter if you are a man or woman, you have both been in this scenario. You are the only one in the bathroom at work, and the next person through that door thinks parking their @$$ next to you is the best place to be. Someone has broken the unwritten One Over Rule. Your first thought is always "You gotta be f***ing kidding me," which is followed by panic and then you don't even have to go anymore. My solution: calmly exit your stall then mule kick in the door next to you and punch the person directly in the face while they in crouching crapper pose.

If you can think of more people to Punch in the Face either leave a comment or email me at MikeGarb.Comedy@gmail.com. Please feel free to subscribe to my blog and tell your Facebook and Twitter friends about me.

New Season of The Real Housewives

2011-04-11T18:58:00.000-07:00

I know loyal fans of the Real Housewives series can't wait for new spin offs, but I think Bravo is pushing the limits with this new season.

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It Must Be Laundry Day

2011-04-07T15:28:00.000-07:00

With a 0 - 6 start lets overreact like every sport analyst and Red Sox fan. Yes Boston, pessimism is back.

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Sloth Gets A Makeover

2011-04-02T05:17:00.000-07:00

HEY YOU GUYS!!! It looks like Sloth (from Goonies for the fans who are too young have a clue about great movies) got a makeover. Check out his amazing before and after picture.

Remember to pick up the phone and vote for James "Sloth Face" Durbin as the next American Idol.

Why I am a @#$%ing Mets Fan

2011-03-31T14:42:00.000-07:00

It's Opening Day of baseball and what seems like new hope for most teams is really 162 painful reminders on how far away my team, The New York Mets, are from winning it all. Here are some reasons why I am a @#$%ing Mets Fan.

Our owner comes out and says "My son is doing an excellent job running the Mets" in the middle of a 10 game losing streak. You should go into motivational speaking Mr. Wilpon.
No matter how clean Citifield is, trash is always scattered on the field. Thank God we threw out Castillo and Perez.
I once thought Pauly D was sitting next to me, but then I remembered I was in Queens.
I get a brief moment of excitement every-time ESPN's bottom line says "New York to acquire pitching" until I realize it's the New York Yankees.
We reward our top performing players by trading them to a better team.
The New York Mets starting lineup rather be on the DL than on the field.
A 17 game lead with one month left in the season is still a nail biter.
I actually love watching ESPN analyst Steve Phillips comment on what the Mets should do? Hey Steve, should we trade for Mo Vaughn and Bobby Bonilla like you did? Did you know Stevie P passed on Ichiro Suzuki because Bobby V recommended it, and he hated Bobby? Now you do.
We are the only baseball franchise with Vegas odds on what inning our announcers will fall asleep. Under / Over is the 4th inning. HOT TIP: TAKE THE UNDER
My team will over pay for any mediocre player who goes on a 4 game hitting streak. Jealous yet?
Our nickname is 'The MIRACLE Mets' It will be a miracle if they finish over .500
I haven't seen the Mets win it all since I was in my Lenny Dykstra under-roos in 1986.
It never gets old hearing Peter Gammons say "I don't even know where to begin" when asked what the Mets need to do to improve.
Bernie Madoff says we're financially stable.
They are actually making a new game show for the Mets. Check out the new promo below:

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Why I Can Never Be A Yankee Fan

2011-03-28T05:48:00.000-07:00

Opening Day is almost here and the New York Yankee lemmings...err... I mean fans are gearing up to support their team. Here are some reasons why I can never be a Yankee fan.

I do not feel like sitting next to some douche bag from the Bronx who's only goal in life is to drink as many beers as the Yankees have championships, all before the 7th inning stretch.
I do not want Cameron Diaz to feed me popcorn.
I do not cheer when A-Rod hits a homerun, because I realize the mixture of steroids and horse hormones is why he has a nice trot around the bases.
I know this may surprise some of you, but "GOT RINGS?, WE GOT 27 OF THEM" actually gets annoying after the first 1000 times.
Suzyn Waldman - self explanatory.
Winning with $210 million isn't genius, it's a Monopoly.
It's great to know whenever some one hits a homerun, the Yankees will sign him to their bench. Great parity in this sport.
It's Derek Jeter, not Derek Jeta'
Listening to John Sterling is like listening to Charlie Sheen, they're both rambling men slowly dying.
An overweight, player is the pride of your organization. No, not C.C. or Bartolo Colon. The one who screwed hookers and ate a steady diet of hummel hotdogs and tubs of mayo. Put that in your cigar and smoke it.

Tune in next week when I admit, Why I Am A @&$#ing Mets Fan. And remember to subscribe to my blog and/or comment on this post.

It's 10 PM Do You know Where Your Children Are?

2011-03-23T07:15:00.001-07:00

AND

Parents please make sure you know what your children are doing at all times. You never know what types of creepy people may be out walking the streets. I hope these new PSA's help get the message out.

If you thought this was funny, then I hope you are still laughing next week when I release my latest post, Why I Can Never Be A Yankee Fan.

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Why I Can Never Be A Red Sox Fan

2011-03-16T17:55:00.000-07:00

In New England, the snow has melted, the days are getting longer and the temperature is rising. With Spring inching closer the dawn of a new baseball season is upon us. Every team has a renewed hope that they will win it all. Fans are getting wicked excited for anotha day in the paaark. Here are some reasons why I will never be a Boston Red Sox fan.

To me sitting on top of a 100 year old wall to watch a game is not fun, its fucking annoying, to Red Sox Fans its bleacher seats.
I don't mispronounce enough words to be a fan. I say dark not daak, I say barber not ba-ba, I say potatoes not puhdaydas, and I say Fenway Park not Fenway Paaaark, Go Bo Sox.
When I get ice cream I don't ask for jimmies on it. That just sounds creepy.
The Drop Kick Murphy's suck.
I never got a Papel-boner.
Singing 'Sweet Caroline' with a bunch of drunk Mass-holes is moronic.
I fully understand there is a chance that Pedro, Damon, Big Poppi, and Manny probably took some of Manny's "Vitamins" to help win a World Series in 2004. They truly were a Bunch of Idiots.

If you thought this was funny, then you're probably a Yankee fan. I hope you are still laughing next week when I release my latest post, Why I Can Never Be A Yankee Fan.

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The New and Improved Baby Straight Jacket

2011-03-11T10:08:00.000-08:00

Can't control your baby, then the Baby Straight Jacket is just what you need. Who has time to discipline their child? Not parents today. This new and improved design will make sure your precious ball of terror can't move, roll, twitch or bite your face off.

***Supplies are limited, only 7 per household. CA Residents please add sales tax and $20 surcharge for having pain in the @$$ kids.

Please Pass The Electric Cig

2011-03-09T17:38:00.000-08:00

I can tell you your future, that's what I love about me.

The Crying Heat Game

2011-03-08T07:59:00.000-08:00

When all is lost just put your head on my shoulder, and weep those sorrows away.

Charlie Sheen: The Video Game

2011-02-26T15:12:00.001-08:00

Control Charlie as he hooks up with Godesses, hangs with the Knarliest of Knarly's, while taking out trolls and loser kids. No matter what you do, you will always be WINNING!!!

A Little Extra for the Effort Princess?

2011-02-24T18:35:00.000-08:00

Dude!! He's totally getting laid tonight!!

It's Bieber Hunting Season

2011-02-21T03:35:00.001-08:00

"Be vewy vewy quiet, I'm hunting Bieber"

I had the time of my life making this one!!!!!

2011-02-21T03:31:00.000-08:00

True Love: Old School Style

2011-02-21T03:28:00.001-08:00

I defeated a Giant monkey Throwing Barrels. How have you shown your love?

The NJ Nets new Cologne

2011-02-20T05:01:00.001-08:00

With the NJ Nets possibly offering most of their team and 4 first round draft picks to aquire Carmelo Anthony, the scent of Desperation is in the air.

The Curious Case of Jersey Shore

2011-02-18T08:49:00.000-08:00

Jersey Shore has caused millions of Americans to walk, talk and act like an over tanned cast member. It seems like every where you go, someone or something reminds you of the show. If you are suffering from any one of these symptoms, then you may have a Curious Case of Jersey Shore.

You find yourself buying the Radioactive Glow package at your local tanning salon.
You buy hair products in Bulk.
Your children ask for Ron Ron Juice.
Your girlfriend/wife tells you she if DTF tonight.
Every problem you face in your life is called a "Situation"
Your wife comes home with her new "JWoww" sized breast implants.
When your 7 year old son sees a fat lady he points and screams "GRENADE"

Side effects may include: Blackout periods, temporary loss of good judgment, spontaneous table dancing, fist pumping, and anal leakage.

For more on Mike Garb, please visit www.MikeGarb,com and Experience the Funny!! Stay tuned for my first ever podcast called "Mike Garb Plays With Himself" Podcast. You can subscribe on iTunes or visit my website to download it. For the latest insight into my mind, please promote the product and subscribe to my blog.

Who's The BIGGEST State?

2010-03-25T18:31:00.000-07:00

So I get an email today from my buddy Mags, he's part of the infamous Email Crew. This article ranked men, of all 50 states, by the size of their junk. I won't even bother to repeat what I wrote, just know you read it correctly. Condomania is the company who actually took the time to chart out this information. They didn't go door to door, with a ruler, and tell every guy who answered "whip it out." This company sold custom fitted condoms to about 27,000 men in the US, and averaged out how long the schlong was for each state. So lets go through the rankings. New York came in third, beating out eighth ranked Massachusetts. This mean two things. 1. This really revives the NY vs. Boston rivalry, and 2. I couldn't stop laughing while writing that last sentence. Go ahead and re-read it. Start at New York. Arkansas was thirteen which throws a monkey wrench in it all. I didn't think they used condoms or knew how to connect to 'that there internets to actually buy the bot damn thangs.' New Jersey was all the way down at number 32. Looks like the Garden State will need to do more growing. Note to all of my blog readers, this proves tanning, roiding, and Jersey Shoring all lead to a Little Jimmy. Nebraska was at 39, but like Arkansas, I don't think they use condoms. Don't believe me? Go take a trip and count all the teenaged pregnancies. You won't even make it out of a High School without using a scientific calculator. Last, and by this survey, definitely least was Wyoming. Their motto is Equal Rights. Let start by working on equal length. Surprisingly, New Hampshire took home the Gold Medal. All this time I thought Texas was the state filled with the biggest pricks.

For more on Mike Garb, please visit www.MikeGarb,com and Experience the Funny!! Stay tuned for my first ever podcast called "Mike Garb Plays With Himself" Podcast. You can subscribe on iTunes or visit my website to download it.

Why I Hate March Madness

2010-03-21T17:24:00.000-07:00

I hate March Madness. No, this is not an attention grabber headline or a spam email that says "FREE PORN" and then directs you to collect your winnings from the Australian lottery that you somehow won, even though you never left the continental United States. Nope, this is none of that. It is the truth. I really hate March Madness and here are the reasons.

Reason # 1 - Selection Sunday
It's fun to see which schools make it into the tourney, mainly because they have live feeds of pep rallies filled with students who have been drinking since noon on Thursday. I always root for a group of 3 students to break into a funneling contest, the second they find out their school made the tourney. Here's my main beef. CBS stopped showing the reactions of schools who missed the cut. Why? To be sensitive to the students and young athletes. I know, what crap. Think of all the laughs that have just been tossed away. College is supposed to teach you life lessons, and prepare you for the real world. The real world is like the Parker Bros. game of Life. Remember that game? You can be a winner at the game of life. No you can't. There is ONE winner and a bunch of losers. THAT'S LIFE. I just want to see CBS analysts breakdown the replay.

Hey Greg, here is what rejection looks like. You can see here their faces go from joy to pure disappointment once they realize their name wasn't called. That's called the "I still didn't get the promotion?" look. Lots of that in their future. Back to you.

Reason # 2 - Bracketology
I'm all for in depth analysis of teams, and key match ups, but not for all 64 teams. Let's make the cut off the top 20 teams. After that fade to black and end the show. I really do not need to know how #16 seed IUIPUI needs to exploit their opponents pick and roll. No #1 has ever been upset, it doesn't happen. The only way to beat a # 1 seed in the first round is to hope their team bus breaks down and they have to forfeit the game. Ironically enough, that is also the only weakness the Uconn Husky Women's team has had all season. On a side note, ESPN's showed the experts getting together and going through the bracket of 64 for an hour. The first 45 minutes should have made the chopping room floor , because all top seeds somehow made the final four. Thanks, my girlfriend picked the same way but at least she was quiet for the 20 minutes she made her picks.

Reason # 3 - Office Pools
This is the biggest reason why I loathe March Madness. You waste so much work time figuring the best way to win the $5,000 office pool. You constantly watch Digger Phelps and Dickie V break down every game. After ten hours, and approximately 2,000 Yeeeeah Baby's, you have a bracket with a nice balance of upsets and top seeds, and are now legally insane. You feel confident about your sheet, so you hand it in, and proudly pay the $20. You may even throw in a comment like "This is the winning sheet, the rest of you can battle it out for 2nd place," and then give a douchey smile and walk away. Now, lets fast forward two days into the tourney. You look down at your bracket and realize one of your final four teams is gone, another final four team went to OT and just barely survived, you picked the wrong 5 vs. 12 seed upsets, and a # 14 seed, who happens to be a Catholic college, miracled a huge upset win. How ironic!! Making matters worse, the early results come in for the office pool and Kathy, a single mother of three from Logistics, is in the lead. Kathy knows nothing about sports and only entered because you, and a team of buddies, went around forcing women to sign up thinking it would be easy money and make the pot bigger. Now, for no reason at all, your new mission in life is to hate Kathy. You see her leaving work and trying to merge into traffic, and instead of being nice and giving her the quick Hand Wave of Magic to let her merge (which is the highest permission a mortal can give, only God himself can grant anything higher.) You speed up as she tries to pull out, beep your horn and tell her She's # 1 (and not just in the March Madness Office Pool.) Next thing you know, you are at her 5 year old kid's Karate Competition screaming out "PUT HIM IN A BODY BAG JOHNNY" and "SWEEP THE LEG" to whoever is facing her child. You lose touch with reality and it can all be traced back to March Madness, or at least that's what you the judge.

For more on Mike Garb, please visit www.MikeGarb,com and Experience the Funny!! Stay tuned for my first ever podcast called "Mike Garb Plays With Himself" Podcast. You can subscribe on iTunes or visit my website to download it.

It's...

2010-02-27T09:28:00.000-08:00

Good News, Bad News Time!!!

Good News: The USA Men's Hockey team pulled the upset and beat the Canadians.
Bad News: Hey Canada, at least you are better at hockey than the US. Oh yeah, now the US is better at EVERYTHING.

Bad News: Brian Westbrook was cut from the Philadelphia Eagles.
Good News: He is an aging and injury prone running back. The Patriots will probably sign him in the next couple of days.

Good News: Jonny Damon signed with the Detroit's Tigers for 1 year, $8 million; and he said "I always wanted to play for Detroit"

Bad News: The Yankees would have given him 2 years and $14 million to play on a World Series winning team. I'd say enjoy being robbed in Detroit, but Mr. Ponzi scheme is already broke.

Good News: There was a Tiger Woods sighting last week. Mr. Domo Arigato Tiger Roboto delivered an awkward press conference apologizing to everyone.

Bad News: He forgot to apologize to men, all over the world, for banging a Perkin's waitress. I'm a broke comedian, and even I could pull that.

Good News: Pitchers and Catchers have started to report to Spring Training camps. Yes, it's almost baseball time.
Bad News: Mets have no pitchers or catchers. Looks like Johan Santana is throwing to himself. Let's go METS!!!

Good News: The New York Knicks have cleared enough salary cap space to sign two big free agents in 2010.
Bad News: The Dolan Family, the owners of the Knicks, also own Cablevision. If it took months to negotiate The Food Network and HGTV on your cable packages, how do you expect to negotiate a structured contract with Lebron?

Good News: Ever since the sex scandal, sales for Mr. Tiger Roboto's golf video game has sky rocketed.
Bad News: If only there was a way to incorporate Tiger's side missions and banging of hookers. Oh wait. Ladies and Gentlemen Rockstar games presents... Grand Theft Auto: Tiger Woods Edition.

The iPorn

2010-01-28T17:06:00.000-08:00

With all the hype on Apple's new iPad, and the success of the iPhone, we shouldn't forget about their OTHER products that didn't quite pan out. Remember this info-mercial?

Want to watch porn, but don't feel like rubbing one out while clicking a mouse at the same time? Tired on getting into a good pull only to knock over you Costco supply of motion lotion? Well now you CAN. The new iPorn let's you play penial piano without the hassle. Voice commands so you don't have to touch the computer and risk getting lube stuck in the keyboard. The iPorn also will find your favorite porn star on Porncast and becomes a fan of hers- Automatically. (Cutscene of a guy saying WOW). Also, as an extra add on - Vibration mode that automatically goes on when you start grunting and groaning. But I know what your thinking? Mike how much am I going to pay for all of this? Well your not going to pay $400 or even $300. Not even $200 or $150, but just 3 easy payments of $45 and let the whack-a-pole begin. And if you act now we'll throw in the Sham Wow, for those big messes, for FREE. A $20 value which is yours for FREE.

Announcer Disclaimer:
California residents please add sales tax. Not available in all states, and illegal in 7 of them.

It's Good News, Bad News Time!!!

2009-12-27T15:22:00.000-08:00

With 2009 wrapping up, it is time for the final Good News Bad News Segment of the year. I can't wait to see how much good news 2010 will bring. Without any further ado... it's Good News, Bad News Time!!!

Good News: ESPN reports Tiger Woods slipped up with his problems in 2009.
Bad News: Really? Looks like he slipped up 15 times. At this point Tiger needs to learn how to walk again.

Good News: Looks like my Mets have finally made a big signing in the offseason.
Bad News: It's not Bay, it's Kelvim Escobar. You remember him, the guy who made ONE major league appearance in the last two season because of injury. Looks like Minaya is doing his best to be fired in 2010.

Good News: Kim Kardashian and Reggie Bush got back together before the end of 2009.
Bad News: Reggie will have to ask Bruce Jenner for Kim's hand in marriage. Quick tip Reggie, if Bruce looks surprised it is not because he is surprised. His last face lift left him with that look. Permanently!

Good News: It looks like the New York Jets will beat the undefeated Indianapolis Colts.
Bad News: America gets to listen to Jets nation brag how they beat up on a Colts team minus Manning, Wayne, Mathis, Freeney, and Clark. Congrats on that noteworthy win against the replacements, two cheerleaders and the guy who puts cheese on the nachos.

Good News: To the Jets fans who hated me for the last comment, just know my New York Giants were not only eliminated from the playoffs, but embarrassed on their final home game in Giants Stadium.
Bad News: I get to watch all the New York Knicks and New York Mets games while I wait for the next NFL season to start. Hold on let me just walk away for a minute. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! Ok, I should be better now. Just think happy thoughts. Think happy thoughts.

and to show something new for 2010, I will reverse the order for the last one.

Bad News: Ted Kennedy died this year.
Good News: God finally got the right Kennedy.

Be sure to go to www.MikeGarb.com for a list of my upcoming shows, pictures and videos of me. Also check out the new look for my website (click here) and let me know what you think.

Things You Should Say on a Job Interview

2009-12-01T17:24:00.001-08:00

Have you ever been on a job interview? Did you want to say what you felt to the mundane questions asked to you? Have you ever had to bullsh*t your way through the interview? If you answered "yes" to any of these questions, then this blog is for you. I have taken the most common interview questions and gave the Mike Garb answer.

What is your biggest strength?
Leg press. I have uncanny strength in my legs. I could probably lift a midget family of 5.

What is your biggest weaknesses?
A thin brunette with big bombs, long legs, a short skirt, those hot little secretary glasses, and an ass that you want to take a bite out of. Kind of like the picture of the woman on your desk. If that's your wife all I can say is, money CAN buy anything.

What future do you see for yourself?
Well if you hire me, and completely over pay me, then I will be able to hook up with my biggest weakness.

What is your proudest moment?
At my last job, I once completed a live Fantasy Football draft without being interupted. It was a money league, and I went on to win 1st place that year. Best thing that ever came out of that place. Well, that and the fact that I hooked up with the office whore.

What have you struggled with, and how did you overcome it?
I have this 'could care less' look on my face during office meetings. To deal with it, and oh man, this is the greatest part. I learned how to completely zone out in any and all office meetings, but still am able to nod my head. It looks like I'm actually taking interest in the useless updates and statistics you may think are golden and important.

How do you think a friend or someone who knows you well would describe you?
Is it my friend Al? If it's him, then he'll tell you I'm a complete @$$hole. He's still mad that I left him at a bar, with the purse holding fat chick, while I hooked up with her hot friend. If you ask any of my ex-girlfriends, then they will probably tell you I am a self centered loser who only cares about himself. Which is total bullsh*t. If I didn't care, then why would I make a drunk call at 3 am to tell them they may have crabs.

In what ways have your college experiences prepared you for a career?
Oh that one is easy. I have learned how to go out, on a weekday, and get sh*t-faced drunk and still function the next day. I mean even if I go home with some random sea donkey, I still can get to where I should be the next day.

How do you work under pressure?
I hate working under pressure, can't stand it. I mean how would you like it if I looked over your shoulder the whole day, and then asked for an update every five minutes. HEY!! IT'S STILL NOT FREAKING DONE YET. STOP ASKING ME!! WHEN IT'S DONE I'LL LET YOU KNOW, TRUST ME I WANT YOU OFF MY @$$ A.S.A.P.

Well I hope you enjoyed these answers, and I only hope that you think of these next time you find yourself on one of those truly boring interviews.

Be sure to go to www.MikeGarb.com for a list of my upcoming shows, pictures and videos of me. Also check out the new look for my website (click here) and let me know what you think.