What am I talking about?

The Christmas Pageant Extravaganza 2011.

Let’s face it folks, Christmas has fallen on some dang hard times. Just look around. People are putting inflatable reindeer in their yards and calling it “Christmas”. Yeah right pal. That ain’t Christmas where I come from. It’s time to put the “mas” (Spanish for “more”) back in Christmas. It’s time to make Christmas special again. To get away from all the hustle and bustle and focus on what really matters.

If we’re going to reach the lost, we’ve got to appeal to the lost. We’ve got to open up their chests, take out their hearts, and pour a whole lot of love into them.

Hence the pageant.

I haven’t arranged all the details yet, but on Christmas day you will find all of the following in my church.

Twelve Dancing Dwarfs – So it turns out that elves aren’t real. They don’t teach you stuff like that in grade school. No wonder our schools are failing. Anyway, elves aren’t real, but dwarfs are, and I managed to secure the services of a dancing dwarf troop called “The Flying Dutchmen”. I think that they can sing too, and I’m hoping for some sort of rendition of “Silent Night” mixed in with Irish step dancing.

Four Live Camels - After this nasty camel incident, camels are selling for dirt cheap on Ebay. I bought four of them and have them tied up out back. I’m thinking that some of the children in the church may want to ride into the pageant on the camels. Or maybe some of the elderly folk. It could be like a sign of respect for them, or something like that.

Kenny G – Okay, so I haven’t actually booked Kenny G yet, but I do have a call into his agent. And you’ve got to admit, it would bring down the house if Kenny G was in the house. Nothing says Christmas like Kenny G, except for maybe Bing Crosby. I wasn’t successful in securing the services of Bing, but I did try.

A Flaming Christmas Tree – I’ve got my people working on this one as we speak. Basically, I want a forty foot flaming Christmas tree in the center of the church. It would be like a combination of the burning bush (Old Testament), and a Christmas tree (New Testament). There may be a few safety issues, but I really think it’s manageable.

What else should be included in the pageant?

To which I always answer, “Tough love, my friend, tough love.”

They don’t teach you this stuff in school. This is war wisdom. Wisdom that comes from fighting the battle of love in the trenches of the church.

It takes tough love to tell someone who is sick in bed with the flu to suck it up. It takes tough love to tell a children’s ministry teacher that their puppet show was awful and could really benefit from pyrotechnics. It takes tough love to make your children’s ministry a healthy place that serves sushi and raw wheat grass instead of graham crackers.

Be tough. Be love. Be tough love.

No offense Mount Eagle Seminary, but you left me hanging by a moment (cultural reference to Lifehouse).

This past Sunday I was up on stage, talking about the need for deep, humanitarian love between us. Now, when you think of love, what comes to mind? My guess is ferrets. Everyone knows that ferrets love each other with bonds too deep for words. We could all learn a thing or two about love from ferrets.

In order to demonstrate my point about love, I rented two live ferrets to use during my sermon. Kind of a “Wild America” living illustration thing. I pulled the two ferrets out of their cages and gently nuzzled each one, showing both my affection for the animals and trust of the animals. Then I held the ferrets face to face, inviting them to embrace each other in the bonds of brotherly affection.

Apparently eye contact is a symbol of aggression for ferrets. Again, thanks for nothing Eagle Seminary.

The ferrets immediately bit each other in the neck. I lost my grip on both of them and they ended up slipping into my shirt, biting and scratching and probably cussing at each other in ferret language. I panicked (you would panic too if you had ferrets duking it out in your shirt), and ripped open my shirt. The ferrets then dashed into the congregation. Seventeen people got bit and had to have a rabies vaccination as a precaution.

Let’s just say I won’t be doing any ferret handling for a little while. But, on the flip side, I think people really connected with the illustration.

Ladies and gentleman, I give you…The Modern Fast For the Modern Man.

We all know that fasting is in the Bible. But here’s the major malfunction – fasting isn’t so fast. I read this book last week that encouraged fasting for forty days. Forty days?!? Who am I, Moses?

Who’s got the time to fast for forty days? Not this guy. I’ve got things to do, lives to change, sermons to preach, a Farmville property to maintain.

A change of epic proportions is clearly in order. When the Catholic Church got out of control, Martin Luther King nailed his Institutes to the door of a church. Call me Martin Luther King. Junior.

So after careful thought, planning, prayer, and a month-long study involving 12,000 YouTube videos, I devised a fast that fits a little better with a fast paced life like mine.

The governing principle of the entire fast is that instead of doing one extended fast I can do six mini fasts. It would probably look something like this…

The Modern Fast

• 8 AM – Wake up

• 8:15 – 8:45 – Mini fast #1
  

• 9:00 AM – Break mini fast #1 with three egg omelet

• 9:30 – 11:45 – Mini fast #2

• 11:45 – 11:47 – Prayer

• 11:50 – 1:00 PM – Break mini fast #2 with burger and large fries

• 1:00 – 1:01 PM – Listen to clip of worship song on iTunes

• Mini fast #3

Anyway, you get the point. It maintains the same spiritual intensity as the original extended fast but also works around my schedule.

The only thing I don’t like is the name. “Modern Fast” doesn’t sound nearly as profound as “Daniel Fast” or “Holiness Fast”. Any suggestions?

Dear Brad,

My worship leader is out of control. I want him to rock things out on Sundays and he keeps telling me that he doesn’t have the ability to do it. What should I do? Help!

Sincerely,

Down and Desperate

–

Dear Down,

It’s in critical moments like these that you need to seize the bear by the paws and light him on fire. History has shown that leadership is tested in moment of extreme crisis. Robert E. Lee at the battle of Gettysburg. Abraham Lincoln and the march on Memphis. Martin Luther and the lion’s den. A leader either rises over adversity or is crushed beneath it.

You need to rise my friend. Rise like a kite, carried on the winds of adversity.

Now, what exactly should you do? I would advise you to step in and show your worship leader who’s boss. Here’s just a few suggestions.

• Lead worship yourself for several Sundays. Sometimes you just have to lead by example. Now, I realize that you can’t play an instrument or sing, but that doesn’t really matter. Just last month I led worship at our church using nothing but a karaoke machine and a whole lot of passion. I just got the karaoke tracks from the most recent Kanye West album and rewrote the lyrics.

• Hire a band to come and play at your church. If the band at your church can’t cut it, bring in some guys that can. I’ve got a buddy named Tito who plays 13 different instruments. Sometimes when I want to shake things up, I have Tito come and lead worship. Next month he’ll be leading worship on the trumpet.

• Try some alternative forms of worship. There are some bleeding edge churches who are exploring all sorts of different worship forms. Tap dance worship, non-singing silent worship, prayer maze worship, worship in mime – it’s all out there. Maybe it’s time to break the mold.

I understand your struggle my friend. But remember, as they say in the Navy, no pain, no progress. Until next time, stay in it to win it.

–

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Dear Brad,

I’m a new pastor at a church and I don’t feel like people respect me. What can I do to gain people’s respect?

Sincerely,

Large and NOT In Charge

–

Dear Large,

I feel your pain. As I’ve often said, leaders are like mountain peaks – above the world and often misunderstood and disrespected by the world. You’ve got to fight for people’s respect. To earn it. Here are a few things I’ve done here at Ridge View to earn people’s respect:

• Adopt a title that carries respect and insist that people call you by that title. For about a month I went by the title “Lieutenant General Pastor Brad Towers”, and I made dang sure that people called me by my official title. I actually applied to the state of Pennsylvania to have the title legally added to my name, but it turns out that there’s some silly rule about using military titles if you’ve never been in the military. Check with your state officials and see if it’s the same.

• Wear a uniform that forces people to respect you. This Sunday I will be wearing an exact replica of the uniform worn by General Napoleon Bonaparte at the Battle of Waterloo. That’s the kind of bold, in your face leadership that people can’t ignore.

• Decorate your office in a powerful manner. If you want to command respect you need to surround yourself with symbols of respect. In the corner of my office I have a full suit of armor, and my wall is totally covered in photos of wild, voracious animals, like eagles, wild boars, and hippopotamus’ (which kill more people in Africa than any other animal). Instead of sitting in an office chair I actually sit in a throne made of ivory, which I happened to pick up at a second hand shop.

If you employ these methods, you will be able to command the same respect that I do. Until next time, I’m Pastor Brad Towers, and remember, if you’re not in it to win it, you’re not in it at all.

–

Friends, I want to ask you to reach out in faith and become a sharing partner of In It to Win It. Move your mouse down to the either the Facebook or Twitter share button, and click on it. Be a part of the movement. Be in it to win it.

I was preaching a sermon entitled “Reach A Little Higher, Dream A Little Harder, Fly A Little Farther”, and I was talking about taking a step of faith and reaching out for your dreams. To push the inspiration envelope a little further, I had pinned up several pictures of bald eagles and majestic mountains on the wall behind me.

As the sermon reached a crescendo I said, “Brothers and sisters, sometimes you just need to jump and see what happens.” At that moment Tim Heller stood up on his pew and jumped into the air.

Now, earlier this week I had asked Tim if he would be willing to be a living illustration for the church. I told him about my sermon and asked him if he would be willing to wear one of those flying harnesses that they use on Broadway. You know what I’m talking about. A person is in the harness, which is attached to a wire, which is attached to a contraption that controls how high and fast a person flies.

Tim said that he was a little nervous about the whole thing and, couldn’t I just show a YouTube clip, which was my normal course of action. I assured him that nothing could go wrong and that my worship leader, Thad, would be controlling the harness.

So he agreed and we rigged him up on Sunday morning before everyone else got there. So far, so awesome.

But apparently these flying harnesses are a little harder to control than I had initially anticipated. Tim leaped from his pew into the air and immediately flew 15 feet straight up, smashing directly into the ceiling. I looked at Thad and noticed that he had a slightly panicked look on his face.

Then Tim swung out over the congregation and hung there for about fifteen seconds, sort of like a limp puppet. He had this look on his face that was either really scared or really happy. I couldn’t tell which one.

By that point I thought that Thad had finally figured out how to work the harness. Not so fast.

Tim then came barreling straight at me. I tried to get out of the way but it was no use. Tim is a pretty big guy and he basically tackled me. I hit the ground, he hit the ground, and I think I blacked out for a second. I tried to get up and finish my sermon but I was having trouble putting words together, so I just dismissed everyone.

Now my shoulder hurts like crazy and Tim is saying that he’ll never trust me again. Oh well. You win some, you lose some.

Has anyone else tried this before?

All I wanted was for our ushers to be thoroughly trained in hand-to-hand combat and Brazilian jujitsu, in case of emergency. And maybe to be used in occasional sermon illustrations. And possibly to have a mixed martial arts ministry within the church.

But Chris said he didn’t think that it was really “practical” to ask all our ushers to attend combat training, especially since some of them are women in their upper sixties.

I was like, “Practical? How can guarding my life not be practical? I just read in the paper about a convenience store robbery that happened in New York City. Do you want that kind of stuff happening in Ridge View Bible Church? Do you want my blood on your head?”

Chris said he didn’t think that kind of thing would happen here, and that technically there had never been any robbery of any sort in Ridge View, and that the last real crime had occurred five years ago.

I said, “Chris, there’s a well known saying: ‘assumptions killed the cat’. Are you going to be able to live with yourself if I get mugged while preaching?”

He said he would.

Dear Pastor Brad,

What advice would you give to a young leader who is trying to make his mark on the world?

Sincerely,

Trying Hard

Here’s my response:

–

Dear Trying Hard,

Trust me friend, I know where you’re coming from. I’ve worn your shoes and felt your pain. I too was once young and naive, thrashing around like a fish in a china shop (I’ve never quite understood that metaphor, but you know where I’m coming from). But now I’ve learned what it takes to be the kind of leader people will never forget.

First, it takes courage. Courage to stand up for your ideas, even when people say they’re dangerous and could result in bodily harm. Courage to wear a gold jumpsuit when everyone is telling you to wear blue. Courage to blaze a new path – sometimes literally using things like gasoline and propane, and sometimes figuratively, using inspirational quotes and pictures of eagles.

Second, it takes persistence. Persistence to pursue your dreams even though people say nasty things to you like, “Maybe that isn’t such a good idea,” or, “Technically that’s not legal.” Persistence to keep going, even when want to throw it all away and join the Navy or a traveling accapella group. Persistence that says, “I just looked fear in the eyes, and fear blinked.”

Finally, it takes courage. Do you think it’s easy to prepare an utterly profound, life-altering sermon every week? Think again pal. Every week I have to sit down at my desk and wrestle with the depths of my soul for at least ten minutes. But when those dark ten minutes are over, I don’t just have a sermon, I have a masterpiece.

I could go on for pages, but that should get you started.

Pursuing the dream,

Pastor Brad

–

And now I want to invite the readers to get involved. What advice would you add to my column? What questions would you like to me to answer in future segments of In It to Win It?

First, the good news:

I finished my first sermon in my series on dating that is starting this Sunday. The series is going to be titled “Looking For Luv In All The Wrong Places” and this Sunday’s sermon is titled “You’re A Lover, Not A Hater”. I want to point out my use of the word “Luv” instead of “Love”. That’s a little marketing trick I learned one summer while working at an ice cream stand. People are instantly attracted to intentional, trendy misspellings, like “Phresh”, “Kool”, and “Chyrch”. Tuck that tip away in your back pocket.

The sermon will unfold like this:

INTRO: Clip from the movie You’ve Got Mail, humorously illustrating the joy and sorrows of a relationship, while simultaneously showing that AOL is no longer a good choice for Internet service.

POINT 1: Love, Love Me Do – This point will talk about the universal desire for love. It will draw from a variety of scriptures, and will be illustrated by several Beatles songs and a clip from Planet Earth.

POINT 2: Don’t Hate Me Because I’m Beautiful – Not sure what this point is about yet, but I’m hoping to draw connections to The Lord of the Rings.

POINT 3: True Love – At this point the congregation will be hanging on my every syllable, and I’ll make the point that, contrary to popular opinion, love is a real thing.

That’s it. Yeah, it still needs a little work, but anybody with a beating heart can see that it’s golden.

Now, for the bad news:

Dr. Gary Chapman has decided not to write about my discovery of fear as a love language. I managed to talk to Dr. Chapman on the phone yesterday, and let’s just say that the conversation didn’t go so well. Don’t get me wrong, Dr. Chapman was a super nice guy. I just think he had trouble seeing my point.

Plus, the conversation started on the wrong foot when I said that I loved his book The Five Symbols of Love. Then I got really nervous and tried to break the ice by cracking a joke about wearing leather chaps (a word play off of his last name), but he didn’t really get the joke. By the time I got around to talking about my idea I was so out of sorts that I started referring to him as Barry.

Needless to say, he won’t be writing about the love language of fear.

Should I have done something differently in my conversation with Dr. Chapman?