Experiments in Mediocrity

If Someone Asks, This Is Where I'll Be

2010-05-14T16:44:00.009-04:00

In the meantime, feel free to peruse the past five years and five days worth of posts. They're about my life, but I made it entertaining as possible.

Ask Me Anything! Spring Edition

2010-04-01T16:43:00.003-04:00

Being I had such a great time with the last Ask Me Anything post, I thought I'd try it again.

ASK ME ANYTHING!

Julie, Julia, and the Twilight Zone

2010-03-14T17:38:00.000-04:00

What blogger couldn't weigh in on the movie of the book of the blog, Julie & Julia, about the woman who was already an awesome cook and writer but was stuck working at the Freedom Hole hotline because no one can just do what they love and be happy without money, until one day Julia Child appears in her cupboard and possesses her, making her chop up all the haters, sparing the too-good-to-be-true husbands and amazingly well-trained cat?

ME! I saw the movie a while back, with Nan and Mum--who loved it, because they love food, and I can't critique the movie, because for a movie about women bonding over food it wasn't bad and I don't like picking apart other people's work because that's fucking lame, so I thought I'd fire off a list of things I learned about myself from the movie.

One, I am apparently a man. A man who hates food. An anorexic man, even, because after two hours of watching people have orgasms over food--and yeah, Julia Child made out with her husband, I just...you need to know that, not that I had a problem with that, or Adam Lambert's AMA performance for that matter--I was just feeling a bit like I'd had a really bad migraine.

Maybe that's because I had a migraine. See, I had just gotten into playing Café World on Facebook, not because I like food or anything, but...it's Facebook, you understand, and I use Facebook ironically, and I have migraines, and doing anything online for more than the minute it takes to play Bejeweled Blitz makes me start acting like all those people in The Happening just before they step in front of a combine harvester. I smell in algebra!

Anyway, I'd been doing fine serving bacon cheeseburgers--and I'm a vegetarian, remember (not many people do, because I don't shove it down everyone's throat)--but I'd staggered off to take Excedrin and my caramel apples went bad before I could serve them and my rating tanked and all the computer people weren't giving me coins anymore and after that maybe I didn't want to see two hours of a Nora Ephron film about food. Although the occasional up yours to Sen. McCarthy was beautiful. The killing of the lobster might have negated that, had I been in the room, but I walked out. I came back, I always do. I didn't walk out on Orphan, mind you. Orphan kicks ass. See it. You'll know when to look away.

Afterwards, The Trade-Ins episode of The Twilight Zone was on, and I couldn't stop staring at the old dude's powdered eyelashes, so maybe I was just being '80s-level picky that night.

This is not a reflection at all on the movie or the blog or the books or food in general, really. There was a meme on Facebook, again I don't know why I did it, and it told me I was a spork because I chose Julia Child as the person I'd most want to sit and listen to. Sinatra was on the list, loads of people were on the list, but I figured Julia Child would have good stories and not be all that dangerous and/or likely to make me want to hang myself afterward. I've since read Julie Powell's blog too and it's fabulous. So I guess I just get diabetes from Nora Ephron films, that's all. Sure. It's me. Me, me, me.

OH YEAH, speaking of me, blogs didn't have pop-up windows like, "YOU HAVE A COMMENT!" in 2002 and they still don't (thank god). Call me picky, but War Games prevented me from getting a modem until I was 16. I had a modem, in the house, when I was 12, and it had to go back to Games 'n' Gadgets, unopened, because of its untapped lethalness. So yes, I have an issue about movies misrepresenting the common everyday computer.

But you know what? That whole Julie/Julia story is an up yours to fear and that I can get behind 100%.

Even if I can't look directly at cream sauce without puking. Or aspic. Or raw poultry. Or fish. Or--okay, I'm physically incapable of puking in real life due to my hernia, so don't worry that I'm off puking somewhere. Anorexia's nothing to make fun of. But puke jokes always amused me, because as I've pointed out earlier in this post, I seem to be a very weird boy.

Nevermind that, Hey Pais has a much better take on Julie & Julia.

The Racket: A Letter I Ought To Have Sent Myself

2010-03-03T17:18:00.001-05:00

Congratulations, you got born. Odds are you won't find that or the next few months half as interesting as anything else ever, but be assured you began to cost your family money from the second your cells began dividing.

After the thousands spent to keep you from from starving or staining the furniture, you'll get shipped off to a place where you will instantly learn you're not all that. Seriously, there's billions of things just like you milling around this planet and at this point you'll be no better or worse than any other, so be nice and focus on learning to read and write and add because beyond that there really is nothing you can't learn on your own. Sure, it helps to have someone to tell you what the hell nuclear fusion is about, but for the most part if you're capable of thinking for yourself you'll figure it out eventually.

Don't bother trying to start out being some fancy thing that won't make you loads of money, because the first thing potential mates will ever care about is whether you're going to need them to pay for things like bandages or cereal. After you've made your money then you can go be as weird as you want and people will love you.

Don't get injured or otherwise sick. No one cares. Unless you have money to put into the healthcare system, then it will take all of that money to figure out just what the hell is wrong with you. Nine times out of ten no one will ever know what the hell is wrong with you.

You probably can't live in a tent, someone will kill you or you'll freeze. But they're much cheaper than those things that stand on land and tend to be eaten away by insects and the elements.

As you get older, make sure you have interests of your own, because your friends are going to get annoying and your children--if you've managed to pull off that part of the game--will be off oiling the cogs of the great machine in ways they think you didn't. If you're lucky you'll have someone you can stand that can also stand you and you can make fun of everyone else together. If not, animal shelters are busting at the seams with instant love on legs.

Don't waste time thinking about death. You'll get there eventually and it doesn't matter how. The important thing is that you manage to make everyone incredibly sad when you go and one way to do that is to be awesome. Not loaded with money, because money is not being awesome. Have some interesting stories to tell, know something worth passing on, if it's really good they'll remember it. Unless you've chosen the wrong people to tell your stories to, but that's just a general failure of judgment on everyone's part. Some people don't belong together, and it's better to recognize that before the stabbings.

Use well what you learn.

Cookies That Don't Cause Itching and More!

2010-01-29T16:55:00.008-05:00

My cousin-in-law-in-law has started a blog about what inspires her, everything from design to her son and gluten-free cookie recipes. The cookies are very inspiring and I think that's why I'm featuring the blog.

FRESH beckett. Read and enjoy.

Speaking of Tags....

2010-01-28T16:52:00.004-05:00

Every post in this blog is now properly tagged. There's a little tag cloud on the page and everything, so the posts can be perused according to the overall subject.

Yes, it took a while. You're welcome.

I Love The Smell Of Marker In The Morning

2010-01-27T16:49:00.004-05:00

I got tagged today. No, really, I was walking down the street and a guy came up to me with a Sharpie, and wrote something on my head. When I tried to protest that he was invading my personal space, he wrote something else.

When I stopped off for coffee, I saw the markings of my ink-happy assailant on the barista and several of the patrons.

GRUMPY was scrawled on the boy who handed me a cup of latte. PIMPLES was also written across his cheek. I thought it best not to ask him to read my tags in case he wanted me to reciprocate.

I couldn't find anyone with less insulting tags, so I looked in the side mirror of a car that had ROAD-HOGGING DEATH MACHINE spray-painted on it and saw what the psycho thought of me.

It read ETTENURB in block letters. Not even a note of my new blonde highlights! Dismayed, I saw I'd been given a mustache of ink, which appeared to spell out YSOIN.

Ysoin? I'll give him Ysoin!

One Year Of Awesome

2010-01-20T16:26:00.012-05:00

Thank you, President Obama, for encouraging everyone to get a mop, and for not quitting once you saw the mess you were handed.

Back That Thing Up

2010-01-12T16:29:00.001-05:00

Did you know Blogger blogs can now be exported?

Say...for backup purposes?

Yes.

http://draft.blogger.com/ is some sort of alternate-reality Blogger dashboard where you can click on Settings, then right there at the top of the screen on the basic tab are options to import, export or (*gasp*) delete your blog.

You get an xml file, with everything--comments, layout, EVERYTHING (she says in her best Gary Oldman). The file can even be imported into other blogs, which is the kind of spiffiness I would have liked eight years ago. In my day, you had to save these things POST BY POST.

I backed up this blog, and it was easy. This entire blog comes in under 5MB. Wow. Such a drop in the digital bucket.

In In Ur Studio, Answerin Ur Questions

2010-01-05T18:08:00.052-05:00

In response to my earlier Ask Me Anything post, I got a question from Twitter buddy and fellow Bronxite Sean (aka Jersey2Bronx) who played James Lipton and asked the 10 questions I've both avoided and answered in the past, depending on the direction of the wind.

I forget my old answers so here are 10 fresh answers for 2010!

1. What is your favorite word?

Outtie!

2. What is your least favorite word?

Heatwave.

3. What turns you on creatively, spiritually or emotionally?

Clear skies and music.

4. What turns you off?

Close-mindedness.

5. What is your favorite curse word?

Martha's bucket!

6. What sound or noise do you love?

Pawpads coming toward me.

7. What sound or noise do you hate?

Suffering.

8. What profession other than your own would you like to attempt?

Construction.

9. What profession would you not like to do?

Politician.

10. If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the Pearly Gates?

"The pool table's over there, under all the cats, where the dogs are sleeping."

Thanks Sean (aka Jersey2Bronx), hope these weren't too vanilla!

Ask Me Anything!

2010-01-02T16:03:00.001-05:00

Yes, that's right, I'm tired of all the thankless thinking and writing, I want to hear from you!

It's a new year, and I have only two posts scheduled. So ask away! I'll put the questions and answers in a post as they come in and I answer them. The really good questions may get posts with long answers all to themselves!

It can be about anything, hence the word anything in the subject line.

INTERACTION TIME ENGAGE!

According to the Gregorian Calendar, It's A New Year.

2010-01-01T16:53:00.016-05:00

29 Songs I Spent Good Times With in 2009

2009-12-31T16:29:00.009-05:00

Yes, yes, it's New Year's Eve and you don't care what music I listened to this year, especially once it gets late and I mention my unyielding love for Lady GaGa, but I'm going to sit in the corner with a fever that makes me seem drunk and tell you anyway. You've sat through 52 songs that take me back to other years, you can sit through 29 more songs that will always take me back to the year that I took control of my brain and had a good time even while half dead.

From what I remember, my favorite albums from the time they were released until now include Ellipse by Imogen Heap, Middle Cyclone by Neko Case, U2's No Line On The Horizon, Time Flies When You're Having Fun by Smokey Robinson, The List by Rosanne Cash, Brendan Benson's solo album My Old, Familiar Friend, Between My Head And The Sky by Yoko Ono Plastic Ono Band, the Moby album Wait For Me, Up From Below by Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeros, and the new Nitzer Ebb album ICP.

But the albums will take too long to play for you tonight! Onto the songs! Clicking the titles will take you to the videos if you want to spend the rest of this year watching music videos...not that there's anything wrong with that. *ahem* Some of them are really worth a view or ten.

This, kids, was 2009 in my ears:

We Are Here To Tell You - Duncan Sheik

Fits and Dizzy Spells - Andrew Bird

People Got A Lot Of Nerve - Neko Case

Wrong - Depeche Mode

Magnificent - U2

Fuck You (Very, Very Much) - Lily Allen

Happy Up Here - Röyksopp

Furr - Blitzen Trapper

Daniel - Bat For Lashes

Strange Overtones - David Byrne and Brian Eno

Sounds Like The Devil - Shemekia Copeland

So Human - Lady Sovereign

Sober - P!nk

San Francisco - Jill Sobule

Funny The Way It Is - Dave Matthews Band

Summertime Clothes - Animal Collective

Pale Horses - Moby

Fire Burning - Sean Kingston

First Train Home - Imogen Heap

Animal - Miike Snow

Fireflies - Owl City

Never Forget You - Noisettes

Uprising - Muse

Sea Of Heartbreak - Rosanne Cash with Bruce Springsteen and Jeff Tweedy

God Help The Girl - God Help The Girl

Just Breathe - Pearl Jam

Foot Of The Mountain - a-ha

Whataya Want From Me - Adam Lambert

Garbage Day - Brendan Benson

Buster Voodoo - Rodrigo y Gabriela

There you go. Is that all? Hell no, I had to mercilessly prune this list to get to 29 and even then cheated with the tangent about the albums. Will I remember these songs in 25 years? I'll bet that I will. If I'm alive in 25 years. ...I'm not starting that again. I enjoyed listening to these this year, and when I hear them again, I'll enjoy them again. And again.

Happy future everyone, it'll be here in a few hours calling itself 2010. Don't waste it, and in the words of the great Guy David (who I also listened to a lot this year), may you never have to listen to music you don't like.

Tuesdays With Mopey

2009-12-29T16:30:00.000-05:00

You know...I don't think I'm going to post so much next year. Who knows, maybe my mind will change in a few days, but I'm guessing not. This is no sudden decision, in fact I decided a long time ago that maybe this wasn't where I wanted the majority of my words to go.

The blog's not going away, but to be very honest it's been a pain in the alt+shift to come up with posts every Tuesday. Perhaps you've seen some of them and wondered why I chose to share all I shared. Perhaps you haven't seen them at all. There are an awful lot of posts with no comments, I have to wonder if they've all been read, and even then, have they changed anyone's life for the better? No sense taking my time to write something and have it not read--or worse, half-read and misunderstood. That's so 1997.

So after my next post, the epic top 29 of 2009, which will run as usual on New Year's Eve...I may be a bit...er...missing.

I'll be happily frolicking in the snow, enjoying life with my loved ones while listening to music and checking out the sky, most likely.

Don't be sad, I'll bring lots of stories back with me.

Songs of My Misspent Youth: Do They Know It's Christmas

2009-12-26T16:22:00.004-05:00

Is music a gift?

Yes.

Can music save a life?

Yes. It helped save mine.

Can it save lots and lots of lives?

Back when people still bought albums it did!

When I first heard Do They Know It's Christmas? by the collection of adorable British musicians (plus Kool & The Gang!) known as Band-Aid, all I knew was that it was awesome.

Being I didn't have access to the fascinating Wikipedia article about the recording of the song, I had watch the video over and over to note every singer involved. Some of them I wouldn't know for a while, being I was only at the beginning of my obsession with pop music, but by now I can pretty much run the song through my head frame by frame and point out even the non-Kemp members of Spandau Ballet. I wish Midge Ure's vocal was available to listen to. I....

This song was meant to draw attention to the famine in Ethiopia. Brilliant plan, using cute Brits to get the issue noticed. It was the first time I really heard Bono, I guess, and when he growled, "Tonight thank god it's them instead of you," I became very guilty about the ridiculous amounts of food we had for the holidays. Kids were starving in Africa, kids are still starving somewhere to this day, and that Bob Geldof and Midge Ure got all that talent together to do something about something they wanted to change impressed me so much I experienced feelings.

With that, we have reached the end of the soul-bearing. That's all there is, there is no more. I've written it all down and now it belongs to another time.

As for me, I'm off to save the future. The nights are getting shorter already.

Happy future, everyone.

When Ho-Ho-Ho Met Po-Po

2009-12-24T17:56:00.030-05:00

An idea for a 100 Word Stories Weekly Challenge story fell from the sky onto my head like a face-hugging alien that wanted to go do some good in the world but as all misunderstood things find out, sneaking around dressed funny is frowned upon in modern culture. I DON'T KNOW WHY.

The theme for the challenge was Hat, and this is what I pulled out:

One December, I forget how long ago, a hat fell from the sky, right in front of me. It was one of those freaky red and white ones the guys at the mall wear when they get sadistic and want to be peed on by hysterical kids.

At first I was worried a bunch of reindeer poop was going to follow, but it never did.

I didn't know what to do with the hat, so I took it home and now every year I wear it while sneaking into kid's rooms to give them books and coats. I get arrested.

The whole hat rack is here for your head-hugging entertainment.

Have a good one, kids. Never lose the wonder.

10

2009-12-22T16:33:00.057-05:00

The first project for this blog in 2009 had me aiming a camera at myself and talking, like people on YouTube. Then, as with most things, I had the sense to realize a weekly vlog wasn't for me and took a break. I had a lot of fun with the vlogs, though, and don't even regret the box fight in the basement.

When spring rolled around, very bad things happened on the day I was meant to be all, "YAY, SPRING!" so instead of bringing everyone down I switched gears and made the vlog a seasonal review of what the cats and dog were up to, and what the backyard looked like along the way. Now it's winter. The tenth vlog rings in 2010, with footage from before the recent snowstorm, and then the traditional pan around the yard happens not once but more than once so everyone can see that yes, it snowed. A lot. There's more. You should watch it.

Songs of My Misspent Youth: Ordinary World

2009-12-19T16:44:00.001-05:00

Do I need to explain what drew me to Ordinary World by Duran Duran? Really? Have you heard this song?

I adopted my border collie on a rainy Thursday in 1995, two days after the death of my first dog, that's one thing.

I requested this song on the radio in 1994 before heading off on my first driving lesson, and it played just as I left the house.

I voted for it on Christmas Eve 1993, when it became a Shreeek of the Week on WDRE, two years after the Enya song Caribbean Blue.

Every time I hear it since then I don't feel like so much of a freak, and I know I'm not the only one with entire worlds in my head that exist only for me, and I remember not to fear today or forget tomorrow, and I wish I could get the message back to me in 1993. Then again, maybe I just did.

Should I bother giving a flashing warning to the video? I'm the only one that bothers, right? Maybe won't mind it at all right now.

Why I Shouldn't Podcast

2009-12-18T18:50:00.005-05:00

I'm editing my final 100 Word Stories Weekly Challenge (of 2009), and this happened:

Listen to Lynda N. - Why I Can't Podcast

This is what it's like sometimes. The rest of the time it's like Nell, but played by Jack Klugman.

My New Calendar Can Be Your Calendar!

2009-12-17T16:13:00.001-05:00

Do you like flowers? Do you like knowing what day it is? I have just the thing!

12 of the most delectable bee-approved flowers in my world have decided they want to spend the new year with you!

Sound familiar? Good, you're not losing your mind! I created another calendar using Zazzle and am selling it here!

I highly recommend Zazzle for all calendar creation needs, really. Unless you've got your own fancy calendar factory.

And yes, the photos will be available as separate prints in Etsy soon, but think about it, you won't know what day it is looking at the prints, and they'll sell for more than $1.70. That's what it breaks down to, 12 of my flashy flowers photos--13 if you count the cover--at $1.70 each.

It's a steal!

(Is that better marketing than this? I think it is. Sure it is.)

Needed: One 1980s 8-Bit RPG Magician

2009-12-15T16:59:00.005-05:00

I read horoscopes. No, I don't base my entire day on anything someone else says is going to happen, but still, I read them. I am a girl.

Rob Brezny's Free Will Astrology is one of my favorites, and here, along with the whole point of this post, is why:

Cancer Horoscope for week of December 10, 2009

So how are you doing with your year-long resurrection project, Cancerian? Have you been taking care of the finishing touches these past few weeks? If not, do so soon. It's high time for you to officially and definitively rise from the dead. Your wandering in the underworld is at an end. Your mourning for broken dreams should be complete. In January, the age of exploration will begin; make sure your reborn spunk is ready for action by then.

Fascinating! This made sense about not only my real life, but my online life too. If you've been paying very close attention to this blog over the past year, you'll recall I've been laying bits of myself to rest here and there, with fine musical accompaniment. Yes, that's what all that was.

I'm not walking away from this blog like I have with every blog I had before, but I will be taking it in a different direction next year. Don't freak out if I don't post as much, I'm through with self-imposed schedules. I proved I can do it, now I'll write when something interests me, about things that interest me, like Rob Brezny's ass-kicking, life-affirming, hey-look-you-know-what-you're-doing horoscopes.

Songs of My Misspent Youth: Caribbean Blue

2009-12-12T16:18:00.004-05:00

Wait, Enya? How could time listening to Enya be misspent? It's not, that's not the point of this series. It's all music that made this mortal existence bearable. Yes, that's what this has been every week.

There have been a lot of low points in my life, as you've been subjected to every week, but the one I don't mention much at all is the Thanksgiving weekend I wore my pajamas. They were nice pajamas, and maybe you see no problem in wearing pajamas for three days straight while in the company of other people who are not wearing pajamas but are in fact wearing proper clothing.

My skin hurt, you see. It was the '90s, and where the '80s were all unfortunate accidents and hormonal imbalances, the '90s were the resulting mutation. I'm not going to get into why my skin hurt, because at the time I didn't know why and I want to keep it real. All I knew was my skin hurt and everyone thought I was being ridiculous when I wouldn't give them hugs because my skin hurt. They were all fine with the the pajamas, though, because the pajamas were nice and soft and long-sleeved and this was before the pajamas developed great wear spots that made me resemble a zombie and it's not like I didn't put my bra on or anything, I just sort of turned into a crabby Hugh Hefner.

Around this time 92.7 WDRE was doing a retrospective of their Shreeeks of the Week. I was going out to the basement every 45 minutes to flip or put in a fresh cassette and yes I taped the whole thing, Caldor had a great deal on TDK D90s and 92.7 was sold to Univision for millions but I still have the Shreeek-end on tape for $10.

The second morning, before the Shreeek-end picked up again, the Enya song Caribbean Blue debuted. I loved it. I stood there in the basement with the nice painted floor in my pajamas with my cousin-dog Zorro listening to Enya, and it was the high point of an otherwise difficult time for me. Did I mention I also had some sort of runny nose?

The story picks up two years later, when WDRE was playing a former Shreeek called Caribbean Blue by Enya. I knew the song was good, obviously all the other listeners did too one Thursday in December, 1991, because here it was December of 1993, and the Shreeek from two years back was playing. I was outside, in the below-freezing backyard, getting snowed on, enjoying the hell out of the song. Didn't really think about my skin hurting anymore because I just got used to it. Mainly by standing outside in below-freezing temperatures until my nerve endings figured out what pain really was, but also by going up in my head and going "La la la, everything is lovely and I'm dancing a frikkin' waltz with myself which is good because no one else can touch me."

Not in so many words, though.

What's That Smell?

2009-12-10T16:40:00.001-05:00

It's been a while since I took part in the 100 Word Stories Weekly Challenge, right? Time flies when you're...throwing clocks out the window.

The theme Smoke came up, and like the early, good challenge entries, this one would not leave me until I wrote it down.

Don't smoke, she told me. She doused me in gasoline, told me the next cigarette would be my last.

I put arsenic in her donuts. She locked herself in the bathroom for three days.

I offered her a truce. I'd take her out to eat if she let me take a shower.

How could I know she'd been hooking up the bathroom plumbing to a tank of acid?

As I soaked in the cooking oil she was so fond of drinking, I told her she'd have to find another man.

"Did that five months ago," she said, lighting a match.

I wonder sometimes if these are the same characters from Hmmmmmmmmmmm and Over The Falls In A Barrel, or if they all live on the same block, and if they do, should a wall be built around their neighborhood so they can't get out and breed with anyone else. Not that many of them really need to worry about that, being all burnt and mangled in so many delightful ways.

The smoking section is hopping and can be heard, read AND smelled here.

My Calendar Can Be Your Calendar!

2009-12-08T17:52:00.001-05:00

Do you like flowers? Do you like knowing what day it is? Behold! I have photographed 12 of the most delectable bee-approved flowers in my world and will share them with you all through the year!

I made a calendar at Lulu, kids. It's not cheap, but it's cheaper than buying the prints of the photos at Etsy, and I only get...a fraction of the cost....hmm.

Hey, if you want a pretty and expensive calendar, click the link below!

It's great, if you go there, to Lulu, and look at my calendar, which is still called My Calendar despite the ten times I changed it to What The Bee Sees..., there are links to hotter-looking calenders. Dammit.

So there you go. I took a course in marketing, you know. Unfortunately for me I just don't see the point in the part about making people emotionally attached to something so bad they'd pay lots of money for it. That doesn't mean I failed my marketing course, no. On the contrary, I did obscenely well...and people hated that.

But flowers, come on! Everybody loves flowers! They're pretty flowers!

There should be a preview there. If not, click here.

Capitalism at its most flowery.

Songs of My Misspent Youth: Tears of A Clown

2009-12-05T16:00:00.002-05:00

What song do I pick to signify all the time I spent weeping in the basement? The totally awesome Smokey Robinson song Tears of A Clown!

You know why? Because it took me years but I eventually learned that the only way to get people to quit harassing me about being such a mope was to be happier than everyone else. All the time, like a total maniac! That, and it's a fabulous song and Smokey rules.

And for good measure here's The English Beat version I listened to a lot while I was painting the basement and being happy because I love painting over the evidence of misspent time and leaks.