Is Your Relationship In Distress?

The Simple Truths About Falling and Living in Love

noreply@blogger.com (Dr Brenda Shoshanna) — Tue, 18 Mar 2008 04:36:00 +0000

Summary

The Simple Truths About Falling and Living in Love
[Relationships:Love] We are meant to live a life of love. When we're not in love, something's the matter. Unfortunately, most of us have become resigned to sadness, struggle and disappointment in our relationships. This article explores what it is that keeps love from us, and offers simple, effective and powerful steps on how to turn it around.

The Simple Truths About Falling and Living in Love

We are meant to live a life of love. When we're not in love, something's the matter. Unfortunately, most of us, unaware of this, become resigned to disappointment, loss and upset in relationships. No matter how successful we are in other aspects of our lives, many do not feel entitled to the same success in love. This is considered natural as one "grows up" and gives up the fantasies, foolishness and dreams of childhood. But nothing could be further from the truth. It is the fantasies, foolishness, and confused expectations we develop as we grow older that keep the love away.

Being in love is the most mature and realistic thing you can do. It energizes your life, fills you with positivity, creates generosity and makes every moment beautiful. The body heals, the heart is happy. As a great teacher once said, "We never ask the meaning of life when we are in love."

If being in love is our natural state the real question is, what is it that keeps this most precious inheritance away? How can we reclaim it and return to the intrinsic trust and joy we had as children?

Many fear they will be hurt. But contrary to popular opinion, real love never hurts or wounds. It is only our confused expectations that can undermine our lives. There is a Buddhist saying "Give up poisonous food wherever it is offered to you." But most of us do not know what is poison and what is nourishing in our relationships.

Once we know the difference between real and counterfeit love, once we learn the laws of love and how to practice them, we will be able to live a life of love and build relationships that cannot fail. The fact of the matter is that we can begin to do this and turn our lives around at any time.

To begin this process, let us look a little deeper. It always seems as if relationships are difficult-difficult to find, to keep and to enjoy. Yet the fundamental truth is that there is no inherent problem with relationships at all. There is never a scarcity of relationships, there is never a scarcity of love.

Some complain that they can't love because there is something wrong with the person they are with. No one can please or satisfy them. In the beginning they may feel as though they've found the perfect person, but before they know it, conflict develops, irritation grows. The joy of feeling loved and valued, fades away. Most people have no idea why. Ultimately, from the psychological point of view, not falling in love, is not so unusual. In fact, many can do very well, become quite healthy, and yet never get over their disappointments in love.

Spiritually speaking, there's a different point of view. Is a person's very life at stake if they aren't able to truly love? The answer is Yes. Without the ability to know real love, the precious taste of this life is thwarted, and a person may be doomed to living her days as a "Hungry Ghost." But we can change this at any moment. To begin we suspend judgment and disbelief, become willing to become a child once again - explore, play, hug, cry and feel that the world is filled with endless possibilities. We also must develop the ability to say No to all of the people, beliefs, habits and desires which can take our faith and love away.

We need to be willing to allow ourselves to look for and find that which is beautiful and worthwhile in everyone, (including ourselves). And, somehow, let them know.

Falling in love doesn't mean being blind, or entering into fantasy. It means waking up out of darkened dreams to finally see the beauty which surrounds us. A little endurance is required, along with the willingness to face the shadows that will dispel as soon as we invite in the light.

During this holiday season, let's give it a try. It only takes a moment to do so, but the happiness lasts a long, long time.

Discover the surprising truths about love in top selling program Save Your Relationship (21 Basic Laws of Successful Relationships) http://www.truthaboutlove.com . Renowned psychologist, Founder of Everyone Wins Mediation, has helped thousands resolve conflicts and find strength and fulfillment. Free ezine and articles http://www.newyorkmediates.com - topspeaker@yahoo.com

How To Develop True Self Worth and Really Win

noreply@blogger.com (Dr Brenda Shoshanna) — Tue, 18 Mar 2008 04:29:00 +0000

Summary

[Self-Improvement]
In order to feel good about themselves, most compare themselves to
others, compete and try to win in all areas of their life. They do not
realize, however, that this is not true winning and whatever they gain
in this manner usually backfires. Article describes ways of building
true of self worth and includes wonderful exercises to show you how to
create true it in your life.

How To Develop True Self Worth and Really Win

In order to feel good about themselves, most compare themselves to
others, compete and try to win in all areas of their life. They do not
realize, however, that this often can be an expression of aggression
towards others, and ultimately also towards themselves.

When we
want to be better than others, we are also driven to make sure they
remain beneath us. We do what we can to keep them in their place,and
look for their failings and weaknesses. We may also take pleasure in
their hardships and losses. When famous people fall from their pedestal
and suffer, many feel relief that they are not so much better after all.

How We Compare Ourselves To Others

Some
are not able to relate at all to others who they feel are "better than
them.They fill their worlds with those who they feel are inferior, (and
treat them that way, to keep them in their place.) Some are drawn to
those who they think are better than them, and spend a lot of time
trying to tear the person down. Others become members of sports team
and take great relish in beating the others, proving that they are
"best".

Living this way, one becomes unable to see the beauty and
gifts which each person has and which they could otherwise share with
you. This keeps you on edge, looking for ways you can maintain your
superiority. Relationships become power struggles. There is little
fulfillment, or true sense of self worth.

Pride Vs. Self Worth

Pride
creates a grandiose, false sense of self and causes the person to close
themselves off to many situations, possibilities, insights and
relationships. Pride also causes them to be out of touch with true self
worth, who they truly are, what really brings happiness.

A true
sense of self worth, on the other hand, provides enjoyment when dealing
with all kinds of individuals. With true self worth you do not need to
compare yourself to others, tear them apart or feel superior. Instead,
you are able to value who they are and share you both of your gifts. As
Emerson wisely said, a rose in the garden does not compare itself with
another. It just blooms as it is intended to.

Exercise

Step
1: Recognizing The Many Faces Of Pride Make a list of those you feel
better than. Who are they? Why are you better than them? A)Make a list
of those you feel are better than you. Who are they? How does this make
you feel? How do you behave with them? This exercise will surprise you.
Be honest with yourself. You may also be astonished to see how many
people you've written out of your life.

Step 2: Stop Comparing

A)
Pick someone on your list that you feel better than. Write down all
their positive qualities. Now, stop comparing yourself to this person.
Let them be who they are. Let you be who you are, as well. Enjoy the
differences between you. B) Do the same with someone you think is
better than you. Can you allow both of you to have positive qualities
though they may be different? Can you stop comparing in this case as
well?

Step 3: A New Meeting

A)
Contact the person you feel better than and go out with them to lunch.
Make the meeting all about them. Don't talk much. Really find out about
them. Give them a chance to be the star. Do the same with someone who
feels they are better than you. You'll be amazed to discover how much
others crave being heard and known, how shaky they are about who they
are. As you do this you'll see that you don't have to tear others down
to feel good about yourself.

Step 4: Each One Is The Best One

As
soon as you notice yourself feeling better than another, let it go and
let them be the star. Realize that both of you can be wonderful. As
soon as you notice that you feel someone else is better than you, do
the same. Look for their good qualities and yours as well. Find out
more about them. Talk to them about themselves and really listen. Let
the true person they are emerge. Don't buy into a fantasy. It won't do
you any good.

What Are The Ghosts of Past Relationships?

noreply@blogger.com (Dr Brenda Shoshanna) — Tue, 18 Mar 2008 04:21:00 +0000

There are many reasons that men leave relationships,
or don’t get into them fully in the first place. Some men are haunted
by the ghosts of past loves. They cannot shake them from their minds or
get them out of their hearts. Although they date new women, the specter
of a past love prevents them from giving their hearts, committing to
another, or truly opening up. Each new person is compared, consciously
or unconsciously, to the previous love. This past relationship can take
on an idealized quality so that no one in the present or future will
ever measure up.

For some men, this past love is a young, first
love. In all later relationships they seek the magic they felt then.
For others it is a past wife or fiancé who haunts them. Being deeply
hurt by the breakup or death, they search for someone to replace her,
rather than try to find someone new.

For others the past
relationship that haunts them may go back to their mothers whom they
feel gave them unconditional love. Deep within there is a hunger and
demand for this unconditional love and acceptance again. Now at this
juncture, they secretly feel that no woman can live up to mom.
Unconsciously they compare every woman to her.

Sadly enough, for
some men the ghosts that haunt them are not positive. Some have had
painful experiences and are seeking a woman who is the opposite of the
one they knew, or seeking someone to even the score. In these
situations, painful memories get in the way of being available to the
new person, or to being truly present at all.

There are other men
who find it safer to cling to memories of the past than to risk failure
with someone here now. These men may choose to live off a memory for
years. It is not unusual for these men to unconsciously attract an
unsuitable partner so that the relationship will not threaten the
fantasy woman in his dreams. Deep down he knows he’ll never be able to
stay with this unsuitable partner. She’s no ultimate threat.

Men
also turn to these ghosts of the past when their present relationship
may not be going well. Instead of dealing with the difficulty or
disappointment, they lapse into memory, comparing this partner to the
one they had. Always unfavorably. Or when he feels pressured to commit
before he is ready, the specter of old loves come back to haunt him.
It’s a perfect excuse and also a way out of a tight spot.

On a
more positive note, at times a man cannot let go of a past relationship
because it is simply incomplete. Something needs to be said or done, to
be given or received. There is a gnawing feeling inside that the
relationship is not yet fulfilled. Perhaps forgiveness is needed.
Perhaps a real good bye. It is always best to become aware of what it
is that is causing a ghost to lodge in one’s heart and mind. If
something can be done to complete the relationship, do it now. If one
is simply caught holding onto the past, recognize that and see why it
is so frightening to allow oneself to live again and make a new try.

Whatever
the factor that causes a man to cling to memories of the past, a common
theme appears through all of them, this is a way to safeguard oneself
against hurt and failure in the present. The best way to get past it,
is to understand that dreams can never bring the fulfillment and growth
that a real, flesh and blood love can. It’s worth the risk to try
again. Or else we become a ghost as well.

6 Steps To Creating Amazing Marriages

noreply@blogger.com (Dr Brenda Shoshanna) — Thu, 14 Feb 2008 16:30:00 +0000

Most of us have many dreams about what relationships will be like or should be like. We’ve lived with these dreams forever, so when the real thing happens, and we find ourselves in a relationship reality can be quite a shock. Some people feel tricked, trapped or like failures. Others do everything under the sun to change their partner, change themselves, or figure out why their marriage is different from the way they thought it would be.The first step in truly understanding relationships, however, is to realize that what we dream about or imagine, is not necessarily what is going to happen to us. And that doesn’t mean there is something wrong with ourselves or our relationship. It just means that we didn’t know what to truly expect.Today, I am going to provide you with some free relationship advice in the form of six facts that no one ever told you about relationships that is important for you to understand. These principles have provided marriage help by helping you discover that your relationship can heal naturally when certain core issues are addressed.

Number 1) Relationships are not static.They can, will and must change. No two people stay the same during the course of a life time. Their needs, wishes, and interests vary. It is unreasonable to expect that relationship partners will always grow and change in the same ways, at the same time. This has to be accepted and included in the relationship. It is not necessary for the two of you to always think the same way, like the same things, or be in the same place at the same time. Just because you may have different tastes or interests doesn’t mean that the two of you aren’t in love. For relationships to remain vital and healthy it is necessary to have a core of mutual interests, activities and desires, but, it is also crucial to make room for differences between you. This doesn’t necessarily mean you are growing apart. It may just mean that you are growing, and will have even more love and understanding to bring to your partner in the long run.

Number 2) Romantic feelings of excitement, intoxication and infatuation necessarily wax and wane.Many people expect to feel “in love” with their partner on a daily basis. By this they mean having romantic feelings of excitement and infatuation, feeling as though they can’t wait to see the person, and miss them if they’re gone. These individuals must learn the crucial difference between loving a partner and being “in love”. Romantic feelings of excitement, intoxication and infatuation necessarily wax and wane. There are times they appear and are very enjoyable -other times they fade into the background. This does not mean something is wrong or that you do not love each other. Love is not based upon fluctuating feelings, but upon a solid foundation of mutual respect, consideration and communication. Although it is wonderful and important to set aside time for romantic time together, the daily on-goingness of life requires a much deeper understanding of what it means to truly love. Love is often tested in the fire, and frequently sacrifice is needed. In order to truly love, one must grow as a person, and that is what relationships are for – to help us grow in our ability to discover what love really is..

Number 3) Love is not dependency.It’s all right to be who you are, be different from him, have friends and activities of your own. It’s also all right, to give him time with his friends and private space. Love always includes trust of the other, and the knowledge that the more your partner is able to enjoy others, the more he will be able to enjoy being with you. The less you suffocate and possess him, the more he will want to be with you. The less you let him suffocate you, the more you will love him and the more he will respect you. It’s fine to be two, separate, whole people. From that basis, a lot of love can grow.

Number 4) Being angry doesn’t mean you do not love each other.Some feel that as soon as they are angry with their partner or their partner is angry with them the love has gone out the window. Of course, if anger goes on for too long, or is not dealt with properly, it certainly can erode the quality of a relationship. But being angry is not a sign that he doesn’t love you, or you him. It is simply a sign that it is time for good, open, honest, careful communication to take place. On-going communication is the heart and soul of every good relationship.When we bottle up our needs and feelings and pretend to be who we are not, then all that has been hidden will explode through anger. But, when we recognize anger, irritation or resentment as it arises, and freely discuss our needs or responses with our partner, not only does the anger diminish, but our relationship grows closer. Take anger as a sign that you are being an opportunity to communicate more and know each other better. Let it make you closer, not further apart.

Number 5) Even though you’re together all the time, you still must make time for one another.Actually, you must actually carve out more time for each other when you live together. Living together it’s easy to take one another’s presence for granted. But just because the person is there physically, does not necessarily mean you’re sharing quality time. Children, errands, pressures at work and social obligations can create a whir of activity, but not intimate time between the two of you. Carve out intimate time when the two of you are alone. Go some place special. Make time to talk and hug. Make time to have fun alone. This is a wonderful refresher to every marriage and should be done at least weekly.

Number 6) Being together for a long time doesn’t have to take the magic away.It’s wonderful to have someone at your side, who you share experiences with year after year. There is no way to replace a person who you’ve gone through many years with, sharing common experiences and memories. The sense of continuity and trust that can develop between you is a jewel. It is wonderful to wake up each morning, knowing this person is at your side. As the years pass you know each other better and better, whatever happens you both know there is someone there for you, who understands what you are going through. As our ability to share grows, the burdens of life diminish greatly, and the joys intensify as well.What can help restore a marriage? Hear men tell you in their own words why they leave relationships, and what makes a relationship work for them. This eye-opening self-help ebook program on modern relationships - SAVE YOUR RELATIONSHIP http://www.truthaboutlove.com offers an authentic understanding of men. It is based on the foundation of 120 clinical case studies, in which men shared their most private thoughts and feelings. It changes the way woman think about men, and provides you with new insight, concrete methods, and practical steps which show you how to heal your marrital problems, and create happiness for both you and your spouse.

As seen on TV, Dr. Brenda Shoshanna is one of the leading authorities on how to makes relationships stronger, and what makes them fail.

Sought out by major publishing houses, her books have been published domestically and internationally in over 14 languages.

For free relationship advice: http://www.truthaboutlove.com/

How To Know if It's Really Love? (Finding The Real Thing)

noreply@blogger.com (Dr Brenda Shoshanna) — Fri, 17 Aug 2007 16:21:00 +0000

.
“Something is always missing,” Karla said. ”In the beginning of the relationship, he always seems like the perfect one, finally. We’re happy, excited, deeply in love, and then - reality sets in. I start wondering who he really is, and the thrill of seeing him disappears. I look at him and wonder what I loved, I don’t feel beautiful anymore. The light has gone from my eyes.”

Of course the light can never leave Karla, but this experienced of disappointment has taken place because she was in the grip of counterfeit love. She didn’t love her boyfriend, but the illusion she had about him. Most likely she knew little about him. She certain was not in touch with the part of him that was perfect, his true self.

Upset, she talked about her disappointment to a friend. “I loved him so much,” she said. “I thought he was so beautiful, so perfect. Now my dreams are smashed.”

The friend looked at her slowly. “You didn’t love him at all,” she said. “You
loved your fantasies about him. If you can know the whole truth, and still love him, then that is really love.”

Falling In Love With Our Fantasies

Karla was in love with her fantasy and then wondered why the love went away. All fantasies fade, they have to - that is the nature of dreams. In the beginning, she felt wonderful, though, and the beauty of it reflected upon her. She felt she must also be perfect, if she could have someone like him. Then reality set in.

Daily life is an opponent of fantasy, it always forces us to be who we are and see what is before us, whether we like it or not. Karla did not like reality, and blamed it upon her boyfriend, not upon her own unwillingness to be with life as it is. She had not yet learned the art of being with life as it is. She hadn’t tasted the real thing. Karla was unable to see the real beauty surrounding her. When we are ready to wake up from fantasies, we find love and joy everywhere.

Throw Away Thoughts Of Imaginary Things

We have little idea how to throw away imaginary thoughts and false expectations. We go to relationships with many demands and expectations. When these expectations are not met, the so-called love we have been feeling turns to hate, resentment, or the feeling that we have been made a fool of. Living in this manner, it is difficult to encounter real lasting love.

When this pattern repeats too many times, some become unable to be in a relationship at all and live protecting themselves from failure and pain. These individuals may not be aware of the deeper problem - that, like Karla, they have been caught in the grip of counterfeit love, which always leaves a person emptier than before. .

Counterfeit Love

Counterfeit love is so common in many ways that we often just take it for granted. In counterfeit love, when we have strong feelings towards someone, we immediately assume that we are in love. As all feelings change most people are convinced that love cannot last. They do not realize that it is the nature of feelings to change, and also the nature of counterfeit love.

Counterfeit love includes the idea that love is a feeling, not a way of life. It is confusion between excitement, dependence, attachment, and the real thing. Real love does not fluctuate. There is no rejection of another person if they do not meet our needs. The nature of our relationship with them may change, but we do not hate or become bitter. Real love never discards anybody; it knows and accepts that true relationship is based upon something deeper than feelings that come and go.

Exercise : Unmasking Counterfeit Love

Describe what love means to you and how a person has to be for you to love him.

Describe some situations in which you felt you had love, only to be disappointed. What did you take to be love that might have merely been infatuation, need, or fantasy?

In your present relationship, for a week, give up one expectation a day. Let the
person and relationship be just as they are. Do the same for yourself. See how you
and your partner begin to feel.

Keep a diary about this. You’ll be amazed.

(To learn more about the truths about love read, Save Your Relationship, (21 Basic Laws of Successful Relationships), www.truthaboutlove.com

Experience more from the best selling author, psychologist and relationship expert who has helped thousands find strength, balance and fulfilling relationships.

1. Fore More Free Professional Relationship Guidance

2.Experience The Program Which Is Changing The Lives Of Thousands of Couples and Iindividuals: Save Your Relationship

3.Why Men Leave And Other Unexpected Surprises: A Revolutionary New Program Which Provides You With Fast And Proven Means Of creating Joyous and Deeply Satisfying relationships.

The Greatest Gift - What Is It?

noreply@blogger.com (Dr Brenda Shoshanna) — Mon, 09 Jul 2007 17:49:00 +0000

The greatest gift we can give one another in a relationship is our true selves – being who we are. For some this is not difficult, but for most it takes practice to take off the masks and become real. At first it can seem frightening to stop playing games, and just be. However, much of the trouble that arises in relationships is because we are unwilling to do this. We think the games we play protect us, though they are actually the cause of the problems we have. Our need for real contact is so strong that when it is not there, our partner can easily feel lonely, rejected or as though they don’t matter much.

There are all kinds of ways we keep the games going. Instead of finding out who our partner truly is, or what they really need from us, when something happens we don’t like, we rush to label them. They become an object to us, a stranger, or opponent in some way. Before we give them a chance to reveal themselves, we throw them away. In this way we constantly separate ourselves from one another and then wonder why we feel so alone.

The biggest need we all have is to stop playing games, trust who we are and realize that each person who comes into our lives is there for a reason; they are worth knowing truly. We must learn to build bridges between ourselves and them; allow open communication to take place. When we are unwilling to do this, it is usually because we are hiding, afraid of being known.

How To Let Go of The Games We Play

To start on our journey of becoming real, it is useful to look closely at the roles we play—the fantasies we so cherish. These roles are often exactly what get in our way. Roles can be hypnotic, it is easy to fall in love with a role or fantasy and begin to believe it is who we truly are. Or, more commonly, we fall in love with the role someone else is playing, become mesmerized by it and have no idea at all who the real person is. When that happens, we are not falling in love with the person, but with the fantasy they are creating for us. It can and does come as quite a shock when things change and, one day, we find out who they truly are. At this point, many relationships get rocky.

There are many reasons it may feel dangerous to let go of a role or image. For some, the idea of being true has become confused with the idea of being selfish, not caring about the feelings of others. Oddly enough, just the opposite is so. When we are able to respond truthfully, real caring can begin to arise. On the other hand, when we act from our roles and games, we are implicitly demanding this kind of false response from others. This way of relating is deadening; and takes the enthusiasm, fun and aliveness away. Everything becomes predictable. Boredom sets in.

The biggest danger of being lost in a role is that we lose touch with the reality of who we really are and what’s going on, both for ourselves and others. An incredible amount of misunderstanding comes about when we are glued to a particular fantasy or role. Unglue yourself a little.

In order to unglue ourselves from the usual roles we play, it is helpful to step into another's shoes. Try seeing the situation from your partner’s point of view. Pretend you are them for a few moments; what would you need or want if that were true? Look at yourself through their eyes. You may be in for quite a surprise. As our compassion for and understanding of others increases, our stereotyped reactions melt away.

We constantly need to broaden our horizons. No relationship can stay the same forever. If it does grow, it begins to fade. If we do not expand, we begin to atrophy as well. As we become real and respond from the truth of who we are, a sense of fresh possibilities, flexibility and aliveness comes to us. It brings excitement and adventure as well. This a sure fire way to bring the greatest gift, both to others and to ourselves.

Cc/author/2007

Discover the surprising truths about love that will save your relationship, in Dr. Shoshanna’s top e-book Save Your Relationship (21 Basic Laws of Successful Relationships). http://www.truthaboutlove.com. Psychologist, relationship expert, speaker, and noted author has helped thousands become stable, strong and fulfilled. Get free ezine and reports at http://www.brendashoshanna.com. Contact at : topspeaker@yahoo.com

Experience more from the best selling author, psychologist and relationship expert who has helped thousands find strength, balance and fulfilling relationships.

1. Fore More Free Professional Relationship Guidance

2.Experience The Program Which Is Changing The Lives Of Thousands of Couples and Iindividuals: Save Your Relationship

3.Why Men Leave And Other Unexpected Surprises: A Revolutionary New Program Which Provides You With Fast And Proven Means Of creating Joyous and Deeply Satisfying relationships.

How Love Grows (Practical Steps to Keeping Love Alive in Your Relationships)

noreply@blogger.com (Dr Brenda Shoshanna) — Thu, 05 Jul 2007 23:04:00 +0000

We are meant to live a life of love. However, no matter how successful some are in other aspects of their lives, they don’t feel it’s possible to have the same success in love. They tell themselves to “be realistic.” Being realistic about relationships” is considered natural as we “grow up” and give up the fantasies, foolishness and dreams of childhood. But being in love is the most mature and realistic thing you can do. It energizes your life, fills you with positivity, creates generosity and makes every moment beautiful. The body heals the heart is happy. The real question is, how can we learn to help love grow in all aspects of our lives? What gets in the way?

The following steppingstones will show how to help love grow, whatever our situation. They include exercises to strengthen our love muscles, and turn our lives around.

The One Right Besides You

Most of the time we are either searching for the right person or wanting to change the one we are with. We do not take a precious moment to stop and truly see the one who is right in front of our eyes. And, beyond that, though we may not be aware of it, we do many things to push that person away.

Look at a person who is close to you right now – anyone it happens to be. Notice what you are demanding of them in order to be happy together. Then notice the subtle ways in which you push them away.

For a moment, stop it. Spend time just being together. Allow things to go whatever way they do. Let all of it be fine just as it is.

Tomorrow, do the same thing with someone else. The more we can be “right” and happy with each person we meet, the fuller and more joyous our lives will be.

Playing At The Game of Love

So many complain that they are not loved. The reason for this can be quite
simple. They are so busy playing roles and games that the partner never gets to know who they really are. They never know either.

Notice what roles (or games) you play in relationships, and what roles you
demand others play.. See if you are in love with the person you are with, or with the role he/she is playing right now.

Turn this around for a little while. Stop playing roles completely. Love is not a game we play. Love is knowing and accepting yourself and the other exactly as they are. Who we are is always loveable and beautiful. It’s the roles that get in the way.

Letting Him Come and Letting Him Go

One great obstacle in living a life of love is the tendency to hold on. We grasp
and cling to those we care for, preventing their freedom and ease. But this is not love, it is attachment and dependency. In the long run it suffocates the one you cling to and suffocates you too.

Try giving it up for awhile. Let the person come and go as they feel. See how wonderful both of you will feel when you grant your partner this kind of trust. It is said that we can never lose that which belongs to us.

It’s important to put this into action. When someone comes into your life (or
day) practice letting him come. Welcome the person – whoever he is. Enjoy what it is he brings.When it is time for a person to go away, practice letting him go. Do not turn the person’s leaving into an experience of rejection, loss or abandonment. Realize that his leaving has nothing to do with you. It is simply time for him to go.
Do this with yourself as well. Let yourself come and go freely in life, not tying
yourself in unnecessary chains. The more we free others and ourselves, the more love can grow.

Letting Go Of Unnecessary Expectations

Many feel that love is not possible unless all their demands are met. They can be
quite amazed to discover that even when these demands are met, nothing really changes. These demands don’t lead to happiness. They just may be obstacles to love.
Take a look at what you feel is absolutely necessary in relationships. Realize this
Expectations may be keeping all kinds of people and possibilities away. Not only that, these expectations can be making you fearful and rigid, not open to what is available.

Let one of these demands subside. At first let it go for just one day and see how
it feels. (Remember you can always take it back again). Now try another the next day. As we do this many times, we may find that that which we thought was crucial was only getting in the way. The more we do this the lighter we will feel and all kinds of new people will start appearing in our lives. We have made room.

Giving Gifts

Giving and receiving are the fuel that keeps love burning strong. What gifts do you give in relationships? Take a few moments and also see what you hope to receive in return. Just giving for its own sake, without hoping for anything in return is the most powerful giving of all.

It’s important to practice this. Give something to someone each day. Then, find something new you can give and offer that. Now, do this with different kinds of people, those you might not have given to before.

It’s also important to do this with yourself as well. Each day take a moment to find out what kind of gift you would like. (Can be simple – a walk in the park, new lipstick, time with someone you care for.) Although this exercise is simple, it is extremely powerful. Doing this daily can turn everything around. When we give freely and fully, we do not feel so needful. Less demands are placed on our relationships and we feel full and complete.

Becoming Your Own Best Friend

Many say they are lonely, even with a partner at their side. This is simply because
they have not yet made friends with themselves. Once they make friends with themselves and are able to be who they are, it is difficult to feel lonely again.
Make friends with yourself. Spend time noticing who you are and accept
whatever you notice, all parts of yourself. Stop judging and rejecting what is going on. Just notice and let it be. Understand that underneath the clamor, you are perfect just as you are.

When you learn to accept and make friends with yourself you can then become a
true friend to others, and also choose to be in relationships with those who value and appreciate you. As your love for yourself and others keep growing, the very meaning of relationships alters and life takes a whole new turn.
Cc/author/2007

Discover the surprising truths about love that will save your relationship, in Dr. Shoshanna’s top e-book Save Your Relationship (21 Basic Laws of Successful Relationships). http://www.truthaboutlove.com. Psychologist, relationship expert, speaker, and noted author has helped thousands become stable, fulfilled and strong. Get free ezine and reports at http://www.brendashoshanna.com. Contact at : topspeaker@yahoo.com

Learn more about Dr. Shoshanna's services, programs, publications and free offers at http://www.brendashoshanna.com. Contact her at topspeaker@yahoo.com

How To Break The Addiction To Anger

noreply@blogger.com (Dr Brenda Shoshanna) — Tue, 03 Jul 2007 15:03:00 +0000

“In my mind are thoughts that can hurt or help me. I am
constantly choosing the contents of my mind.”
Dr. Gerald Jampolsky

It is easy to become addicted. We are all creatures of habit. Habits provide a sense of certainty, security and stability in our lives. When they are disrupted our sense of well being becomes easily threatened. However, when we depend upon a habit for our sense of well being, it is easy for it to develop into an addiction.
Addiction to anger is one of the most common and lethal addictions, and one most seldom recognized. The anger addict becomes hooked by the false sense of power anger brings. As the addiction grows, it consumes more and more of their lives, producing painful consequences.

The best way to undo an addiction is to look it squarely in the face, see what triggers it, how it functions become aware of the false promises it offers and the huge costs we pay. Then we replace old behaviors with new ones that are easy and enjoyable. As we dissolve an addiction we regain power back over our lives.
To begin to dissolve the addiction to anger, we will start by becoming aware. What is the source of this addiction? What function does it serve?

Functions of Addictions

When we are addicted to anything (anger, substances, relationships), many troubling aspects of life are blocked out. Our focus narrows. The addiction numbs us to painful feelings we may not wish to deal with. The addiction is serving as a defense against anxiety. It prevents us from seeing and dealing with issues, which need to be attended to.

In particular, an addiction to anger provides a sense of power. This is often a defense against feeling helpless or inadequate. Individuals become blind to the fact that as the addiction develops, they will need more and more of it to feel okay. Not only does the dosage increase, but so does the negative impact upon their lives. Addiction provides a false sense of security. At first it makes the individual feel safe and secure. The reality, however, is that an addiction blinds an individual from doing what needs to be done to build a life of true value and stability.

Effects Of Addiction To Anger

When we are angry we often have a temporary feeling of strength, energy,
power, authority or control. Much like alcohol, the surge of anger, which takes over, block out fears, inhibitions and doubts. There is a temporary sense of freedom and empowerment that we normally lack.

Anger also blocks out logical thought processes, producing a sense that we are absolutely right. Some individuals who have trouble making decisions can make them easily then. Decisions made while angry often focus only upon a limited aspect of the situation. These kinds of decisions rarely provide positive outcomes.
Anger provides a sense of justification. Many actions that might seem unacceptable when calm seem perfectly fine when we are angry. Anger also encourages us to blurt out negative thoughts and feelings we may have been holding in that might have better gone left unsaid. Of course, after the surge of anger passes, it is difficult to take these words back. Even if we apologize the after effects remain.

Dissolving The Addiction To Anger:

1)List the times in which you feel angry or upset automatically. What person, thoughts, memory or situation brings this up? For now, just notice this and write it down. As you go through the day, if another situation strikes you, step back, notice it, and write it down as well. Rather than reacting blindly, you are now taking time to become aware. Once you become fully aware of the way anger operates in your life it will not be able to sneak up from behind.

2)Find a substitute for the automatic angry reaction. Instead of reacting the same old way the next time the situation arises, stop, breathe and tell yourself, I will not be a slave to anger anymore. Stop and listen to the person and say to yourself, “This time I will let them be right. There’s plenty of time to be right later.” See how much better you feel now getting pulled down into anger.

3)Find a new way of viewing the situation. Instead of seeing them as an enemy, tell yourself that their anger is a cry for help. It comes from pain and conflict within. Instead of going on the attack, say to the person (either in your mind or out loud), “What can I do to serve you?” Not only will this diffuse the anger, but will open new doors for both of you to walk through.

Watch stress and sickness melt away on The Anger Diet. Top psychologist and relationship expert presents award winning program that has helped thousands become strong and stable. To learn more go to: http://www.theangerdiet.com. For free ezine and articles, go to http://www.brendashoshanna.com. Contact - topspeaker@yahoo.com. 212) 288-0028.

Learn more about Dr. Shoshanna's services, programs, publications and free offers at http://www.brendashoshanna.com. Contact her at topspeaker@yahoo.com

Four Steps To Becoming Closer (Developing Emotional Intimacy)

noreply@blogger.com (Dr Brenda Shoshanna) — Tue, 12 Jun 2007 14:09:00 +0000

FOUR WAYS TO BECOME CLOSER

DEVELOPING EMOTIONAL INTIMACY

Even when they are in relationships, many wish to become closer to their partners and share quality time that is truly intimate. They want to feel free to express all of themselves. Although many try in all kinds of ways, it is helpful to learn some direct steps, which open emotional doors between partners and deepen the bond they share.

The heart and soul of intimacy begins with communication. However, few really know how to listen, or how to find the right time or way to express what is inside. Some communicate to control, manipulate, or be right. Others communicate to present an image of who they are, to impress and gain approval. Their communication creates a wall that doesn't let another in. No matter how many gifts they give to their partner, it never seems to be enough. Of course the real gift everyone wants is to be truly known and heard.

True emotional intimacy begins with willingness to be who you are - to express yourself honestly and fully and to know that your partner is able to accept you as you are. This also includes the reverse - your being able to really listen, understand and accept your partner and what he needs to share.

Many relationships are based upon an on-going struggle to fix or change the other person. They are not good enough as they are. This struggle blocks intimacy as the partner always feels criticized in some way. The greatest barrier to emotional intimacy is the feeling that we have to be someone different than who we are.
The following simple steps open the way for intimacy. They allow you to practice a communication that sets up an atmosphere in which intimacy can grow. These exercises are simple and yet powerful. They will help you to make friends with both your partner and yourself.

1) ACCEPT YOUR PARTNER AS THEY ARE. (Accept yourself as you are as well).

Stop criticizing, complaining, and letting your partner know what's wrong with them, what's missing. Drop the desire to change them. When something happens that usually causes you to criticize or complain, just let it be as it is. Say to yourself, I will let this person be as they are and let go of my wish to control them. Watch how they begin to open up as this goes on.

STEP 2 - FOCUS ON WHAT'S RIGHT ABOUT YOUR PARTNER. LET THEM KNOW.

You fell in love with your partner for some reason. Focus upon what it is that drew you to them, the things they've done that make you happy. Then, tell them so. So often we communicate the complaints and keep the praise and acknowledgment silent. Start doing the reverse of this. Make a point of letting your partner know whenever he does something to please you, or when there is something about him that you genuinely like and respect. This is not flattery, but the process of acknowledgment. We usually think the person already knows what is good about them, but actually this is rarely so. It is crucial to "acknowledge" what is happening. Open up and tell them how they made you happy, or what about them you enjoy and respect. (This also lets our partner know what pleases and is meaningful to us).

STEP 3 - LISTENING WITH LOVE

Listening means, stopping our own inner dialogue and drama and really being there for another person. We allow the person to say whatever it is they have in their mind. We do not correct, interrupt, try to teach them something, or bring up other instances when they were wrong. Instead really listening means creating an environment where the other feels and is "heard".

So often we do not "hear" the other, but only hear the voices in our own mind. We have personal agendas for how they should be acting and what we want them to say. Unless we drop those agendas, we can never really become close or know the person we are with. Here is a secret - when a person feels really listened to and heard, they always feel loved.

To practice this exercise - clear you mind and focus only upon your partner and what he is saying to you. Do not think of an answer, do not think of anything. Listen carefully and then at the right moment, paraphrase what he said to you, just so he knows you are with him and have heard what he said. For example, you could say, I heard you say that you feel you need more space. Don't comment upon this, analyze it, or anything. Just let him know he's been heard. Mirror to him the essence of what he's said. This will let him know you are with him, listening to him fully, not finding ways to criticize or change.

STEP 4 - ASKING AND RECEIVING

Ask for what you want and need. You give a great gift to the other by asking for what you really want. Many are afraid to ask for fear that if they let their partner know what they really want, they could be turned down. It requires the willingness to be open and vulnerable. Ask for what you want and what is important to you. You will be amazed at the fact that very often your partner had no idea.

Once you ask for what you want, allow yourself to receive it, and offer thanks. Many people take what is given without offering thanks, gratitude and acknowledgment of how much the gift meant to them. This leaves the giver feeling upset. Make sure you fully let your partner know how much the gift meant to you.

Now, of course, do the reverse. Find out what your partner truly wants and needs. See if you can give it to them. If you cannot, discuss it. Don't allow it to fester. Once something is honestly discussed, the two of you can make adjustments and move on. When two individuals feel known, heard and accepted, not only does the emotional intimacy grow, but a sense of wholeness and well-being develops alongside as well.
Although these steps are simple they are extremely powerful. Try one today and see. If you do them day after day, it is impossible not to find the bond deepening naturally.

Discover the surprising truths about love that will save your relationship, in Dr. Shoshanna’s program Save Your Relationship (21 Basic Laws of Successful Relationships). http://www.truthaboutlove.com. Psychologist, relationship expert, speaker, and has run over 500 workshops and helped thousands become strong, stable and fulfilled. Contact her at mailto: mailto:topspeaker@yahoo.com. Her personal
website is: http://www.brendashoshanna.com/

Learn more about Dr. Shoshanna's services, programs, publications and free offers at http://www.brendashoshanna.com. Contact her at topspeaker@yahoo.com

How To Reject Rejection

noreply@blogger.com (Dr Brenda Shoshanna) — Mon, 30 Apr 2007 00:57:00 +0000

by Dr. Brenda Shoshanna

[Self-Improvement:Attraction]

Article:

Rejection is one of the most painful experiences in relationships. Not only rejection from our partner, but also rejection from ourselves. As soon as some feel their partner is finding fault with them, they quickly begin to reject themselves. Their sense of self-worth and lovability is directly linked to how their partner feels about them. When an individual is in an abusive relationship, where rejection and fault finding is on-going, it is not unusual for them to completely lose confidence in themselves and their ability to ever love again.

But let’s look at this more closely. What is really happening when a person is feeling rejected? Is it really due to the behavior of their partner, or is it that they are now down on themselves? When a person feels really secure and good about themselves, it doesn’t matter how anyone else treats them or what they do or say. Here is a basic law of love. When you thoroughly absorb this and practice it in your relationships, your sense of self worth and equilibrium automatically grows.

How A Person Treats You Says More About Them Then About You

Negative behavior from your partner reflects on them, not you. It is their difficulty they are expressing. Never take it personally. When you take it personally, it simply means that now you are agreeing with their negativity and rejecting yourself.

The Dynamics Of Rejection If we look more closely we can discover that rejection is a common occurrence. Many of us are involved in it on an on-going basis. From morning to night, we complain, judge, condemn and basically reject most of what life brings to us. We want one thing and get another. We enjoy warm weather and it always rains. We want our partner to behave in one way and they do the opposite. We can even start to feel there’s something wrong with everyone we meet, that we have to fix, change or instruct them. This keeps us feeling separate and alone. What we do not see is that we ourselves have set into motion this experience of rejection.

Guideline: Stopping Rejection

If you are being rejected a lot, take time to notice the ways in which you reject yourself or others. Then stop it. Turn it around. Look for what is good or right about the person or situation in front of you. Look for what is good and right about yourself.

Do Not Look For The Faults Of Others

Loneliness and upset in our relationships comes from projecting our faults onto others, and then rejecting them. It also comes from others doing the same to us. When we do this, we then spend most of our time trying to change and control others or ourselves. This never, ever makes for happy relationships where both parties can be themselves, feel wanted and naturally grow.

When we catch ourselves being rejected or rejecting others, we can stop this process by taking responsibility for what is happening. We can immediately look for our part in how we are perceiving others - and ourselves.

Here are 2 more laws of love:

1) The more we value, like and appreciate ourselves, the less we will be affected by rejection.

2) The more we value, like and appreciate others, the less they will reject us.

The experience of acceptance and oneness is what everyone desires. Give that to others and give it to yourself. In order to do this we must realize that whoever appears before us, is simply another face of ourselves. Judgment or the desire to change them is not necessary. Curiosity is a better response.

As we allow others to be who they are, and view them with understanding the mind that accepts develops in us. This mind is your greatest asset.. The mind that accepts provides a positive outlook that nurtures and upholds all life.

This may take a little time and practice, but it is well worth it. As we practice this kind of open-heartedness it will soon become obvious that the way we treat others is also the way we treat ourselves. The more we accept others, the happier, healthier and more fulfilled our lives and relationships will be.

SAVE YOUR RELATIONSHIP (www.truthaboutlove.com) is a ground-breaking relationship counseling program. It unlocks to the proven methods to overcoming the most difficult relationship problems.

Written by Dr. Shoshanna, a state licensed Psychologist & Psychoanalyst. She is an award winning international author, a resident relationship expert on i.village.com -and a professor at Barnes and Noble University Online. She appears regulary on network TV, sharing relationship advice, guidance and healing with audiences worldwide.

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Learn more about Dr. Shoshanna's services, programs, publications and free offers at http://www.brendashoshanna.com. Contact her at topspeaker@yahoo.com

From Anger to Peace of Mind

noreply@blogger.com (Dr Brenda Shoshanna) — Thu, 26 Apr 2007 22:51:00 +0000

6 Steps To Releasing Anger and Feeling Good Again
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Anger is a lethal force that undermines our lives in all kinds of ways. Sometimes it erupts openly and other times it camouflages itself and covertly undermines your life. Some experience anger as strength and power. They feel it is necessary in order to maintain control. Others assume they have the right to express anger. These are some of the lies anger tells us.
In fact, when we are angry we are out of control and our ability to respond wisely is diminished. It's time to look at anger in a new way and understand what it really is. Then we can take new steps that help us of anger, make us feel better, and see clearly what to do.

Step 1: Realize that anger is a choice you make

Anger is not a form of power, strength, or control. It is a toxin, which sometimes provides a temporary high. After this high subsides, the individual is left weaker and more uncertain than before. Not only that, the negative consequences of our outburst have to be handled. Basically anger narrows our focus, creates confusion and limits our ability to find constructive solutions.

When anger arises, stop, breathe deeply, and immediately look at the larger perspective. Put the incident in context.

For a moment, allow the other person to be "right". Tell yourself you have plenty of time to be right later. Your main goal is to have the anger subside so you can be in control.

Step 2: Pinpoint the 24 forms of anger.

Anger camouflages itself and manifests in many ways. Unrecognized anger turns into all kinds of unwanted behavior that become impossible to stop. We have to become aware that this behavior is just another form of anger and pull it out at the root.

Some of the 24 forms of anger are: depression, hypocrisy, self- sabotage, low self- esteem, burnout, passive aggressive behavior, compulsions, perfectionism, gossiping, lying, and various addictions. When you realize that these are being fueled by anger, you can take appropriate steps to handle them.

Step 3: Give Up Being A Martyr - Stop Giving and Taking Guilt

Most martyrs do not think of themselves as martyrs. They may describe themselves as long- suffering, giving much more than they get. There's a huge difference between giving and manipulation. Martyrs manipulate with guilt.

But guilt is a lethal toxin, fueled by anger. When you make someone feel guilty, you are harming them. When people feel guilty they find some way to punish themselves and others. Give up giving guilt and also give up taking it. Recognize this as a form of anger, which has no constructive outcome.

Step 4: Stop Casting Blame

Blaming others (and ourselves) is an expression of hurt, disappointment and anger and never leads to a constructive solution. Stop casting blame. By blaming others you are disempowering yourself. By taking responsibility you are taking back control. Stop a moment and see the situation through your opponent's eyes. When you do this blame dissolves on the spot.

The best defense against being hurt is to feel good about yourself and the way a person responds to you says more about them, than about you. As you stop casting blame you will be letting go of all kinds of resentments. Resentment inevitably affects our well-being and always bounces back on us. Look for and find what is positive in each individual. Focus on that.

Step 5 - Create Realistic Expectations

There is nothing that makes us more angry and hurt than expectations we've been holding onto that have not been met. It is important that you become aware of your expectations. Are they realistic? Does the other person hold similar expectations in your relationship?

Let go of unrealistic fantasies. Once this is done, much opportunity for anger diminishes on the spot.

Step 6 - Develop A Grateful Mind

See what different people in your lives are truly giving to you. We often take many things for granted and are even unaware of all that we are receiving day by day.

Take time to write down each day what you are receiving. Be grateful for that. Make a point of giving thanks. The more we thank others, the happier we become.

Also, take time to write down all that you have given others that day. It may be a surprise. We often think we are giving so much and receiving so little. This is a great cause of anger and feelings of deprivation. However, when we take time daily to look carefully, we are often surprised and how much we have received and how little given in return. As we see how much we receive daily, anger naturally subsides and we learn to take pleasure both in what we give and receive.

Cc/author/2007

Melt away toxic feelings and make your relationships all you want them to be in the award winning program The Anger Diet (30 Days to Stress Free Living), McMeel. www.theangerdiet.com. Give up one form of anger a day and learn how to replace it with a healthy, life giving antidote.

Go On The Anger Diet And Start To Feel Good Today - Click here for get a copy

When Your Partner Strays (Why It Happens, What To Do)

noreply@blogger.com (Dr Brenda Shoshanna) — Tue, 19 Dec 2006 05:32:00 +0000

by Dr. Shoshanna

Infidelity and the threat of it, is the largest single issue that threatens relationships. If the partner has actually been unfaithful, or even if there is a suggestion of interest in another, the marriage automatically goes into a crisis mode.

The basis of all good relationships is the ability to trust. It is not only the sexual betrayal but the fact of having been lied to that is so devastating. This break of trust takes time, patience and wisdom to repair. Rather than lapse into hurt and blame, it is absolutely necessary to understand and discuss what caused this breach to happen.

Understanding Infidelity

Often infidelity arises because certain needs in a marriage have not been met. Other times it arises as an act of resentment against the partner, or as a desire for freedom and adventure. Sometimes there are issues in the individual or in the relationship which have not been dealt with and which have simply festered. Rather than deal with them directly, the person then escapes the entire situation by getting involved with someone else.

Whether or not you stay in the relationship, it is necessary to uncover the true causes. Many women blame themselves for it and are often left feeling unattractive and unlovable. This negative reaction must be handled. When the woman understands the true causes of what happened, she will not be left with tattered self esteem. (The same is true for men).

The question often comes whether or not it is possible to repair the broken trust and go forward in the marriage after infidelity. If both individuals are willing to confront the issues, be open to honest communication, be respectful of one another, then the marriage can emerge even stronger than before.

Nevertheless, all must realize that this takes time, patience and commitment. The feelings of betrayal and suspiciousness may continue to go on for awhile. When they appear, it is necessary to address them and receive the reassurance needed once again. It is also necessary to create firm boundaries in the relationship that are adhered to and respected by both individuals.

Is it Cheating?

The question of what is infidelity has become much broader now, as individuals have such great access to others through the internet, where it is easy to satisfy wishes for companionship, fantasy or adventure. It is important to realize, however, that when we do not see or have to interact with another in person, when no demands are made of us, it is easy for fantasy relationships to develop. Due to the anonymity available individuals often feel that they can easily exchange intimacies that are not so easy to exchange in person. This stimulates a hotbed of fantasy and it is easy to feel one has someone in their life who cares and is there for them.

Online Relationships

Online relationships have become a common and easy way to find adventure and diffuse stress. Many wonder whether intimacies exchanged with strangers online constitutes an infidelity of some kind. This is a delicate question which must be answered individually by the couples themselves. Many feel disturbed and threatened by their partner sharing intimacies with strangers online.

Sharing intimacies with another in this manner has been called emotional infidelity, not having sex with another, but thinking of them, being with them in fantasy and withdrawing emotions from the marriage partner herself. There is a thin line here and it is crossed easily, so online relationships for those who are married need to be discussed, defined and boundaries set for them.

Again, one must question why this on-line relationship is gong on at all? How much intimacy is available in the marriage? One has to explore why this is happening at all.

Easy Access To Temptation

Unfortunately, due to its easy accessibility, many married men are found engaging in online porn. When their wives find out they feel utterly betrayed, threatened, unattractive, humiliated and insecure.

Sometimes they discover the online porn because their husband’s sexual desire for them has decreased and their lovemaking is much less frequent. Online porn can become and often is an addiction. It can be much harder to break than one first realizes. This kind of addiction does not necessarily arise because the husband feels that his wife is undesirable, but because it is so much easier to relate in a fantasy mode than with a real flesh and blood person. In fantasy, one does not have to meet the needs of the other, or prove themselves in anyway.

These fantasy situations can also provide all kinds of highs and excitement that a real flesh and blood relationship is not able to offer anymore. This can become a serious problem which requires professional help. In these cases, it is necessary to let your partner know that this behavior is unacceptable, unhealthy, bad for your sense of self esteem.

Set Firm Boundaries

Boundaries have to be firmly set here. Many men minimize their involvement with online porn, and do not realize the consequences this activity is having and what a threat it is to their relationship. Even though the man minimizes it, the woman must hold onto her own reality and need for respect. She must see to it that professional help is sought if he cannot stop by himself. The longer an addiction grows the harder it can be to let go of.

It is important to recognize these threats to your relationship for what they are, not blame yourself for them or brush them under the table, but to face them directly in a constructive and hopeful way. Blaming the self or blaming the other is never helpful and leads nowhere. Acceptance, communication and understanding, however, go a long way. Needless to say, both must be willing to work on this together.

If one partner is not willing to deal with it, then the other should seek help in making constructive choices for themselves. All relationships go through challenges. Whether they destroy your relationship or make it stronger, is up to both of you. It takes two to make this commitment, however. One person cannot do it alone.

Discover the surprising truths about love and how they can save your relationship in Dr. Shoshanna's e-book and program Save Your Relationship (21 Basic Laws of Successful Relationships), www.truthaboutlove.com. This program has helped thousands and it can help you too.

Copyright 2006 Brenda Shoshanna

4 Secrets Men Keep And Why You Should Let Them

noreply@blogger.com (Dr Brenda Shoshanna) — Wed, 13 Dec 2006 00:40:00 +0000

Many of us believe that if we are close to our man, we should know everything he is thinking, the secrets he keeps are little enemies, tearing us apart. Nothing could be further from the truth. It is absolutely necessary for each person in a relationship to have their own personal world, their thoughts, feelings and boundaries that belong to them and no one else.

Being close doesn’t mean being “fused” into one person. It means loving, honoring and respecting the other and sharing what it is that can be shared. If a man (or woman) feels that there is no room for them to have their own thoughts and experiences while in a relationship, they can easily feel that their individuality and sense of self is slipping away. Needless to say, a good relationship not only brings two people closer, but enhances each person’s sense of self worth and individuality. Here are 5 secrets that men often keep to themselves, and why it is important to let them do so.

1)That he looks at and is attracted to other women.

Don’t pry into this. Some women keep asking their man whether or not he is attracted to other women. A man who doesn’t look at anyone, or feel anything for them is either very old, very tired or lying. There is nothing wrong for a man to look at and admire other women, as long as he does it discretely, and not make a show of it before others or before you - as long as he doesn’t use it to make you insecure or competitive with the other women.

Looking at and responding to others doesn’t mean he doesn’t find you desirable, or that he’s comparing you. Most men fuel their sexuality and fantasies by looking at and admiring others. If you ask them to talk about it, not only will it make you nervous, but they can often feel shamed, embarrassed and exposed, unable to do what they do naturally, without being censured. Enjoy his love for you and leave well enough alone.

2)Details of his past relationships.

Some women become obsessed with finding out everything about their man’s past relationships. They need to know if they measure up, if he’s as happy with them as he was with others, what went wrong in the past relationships, or if he’s really over a past love. There’s no need to probe this, however. He was a different man in the past. Don’t hold his past wrongs against him. He doesn’t want to be reminded of them, and particularly doesn’t want you to see him in a bad light. Let him be who is he now.

Let him feel good about how he is with you, not be dragged past into memories of other people or of what did or did not do. The best way for him to forget old girlfriends is to feel happy, close and safe with you. Because he loved once, does not mean he cannot love again now. When we let the past be the past that is where it will stay.

3)Exactly how happy he is in relationship?

Many women just can’t wait to get around to the “relationship” discussion. They want to know how he’s feeling about things in general, and at some point or another, sit him down to get all the details. This makes most men feel pressured, on the line and restless. They don’t know exactly what you want them to tell you or what it’s going to mean. Some fear repercussions for what they say. Communication that’s healthy in a relationship is on-going. It’s good to set up a situation where both of you can express your feelings as they arise – have them heard and attended to.

Sitting down for an “intense” discussion is not something most men are comfortable doing. It makes them feel judged and criticized and if it happens too often, can easily make them drift away.

4)If he enjoys being with his friends more than being with you?

Many women become possessive of their man’s attention and resentful of time spent away from them, particularly nights out with the guys or any time spent with other friends, having a good time. The women want to be included in everything as proof of his love for them. When the guy has spent time with his buddies, they want to know if he enjoyed that time more than being with them. It is a bad idea to question him about this, or make him feel that he has to choose. Time spent with buddies is crucial for many men, it is a time of male bonding that is greatly needed, no matter how much he cares for you.

Some women interfere with her man’s friendships and even his relationship with his family, she feels so threatened. But truly loving someone means allowing them to be all of whom they are – fulfilling all their needs and realizing that no matter how much they love you they also need others in their lives.

When you have a truly healthy relationship, you are secure in his feelings for you, and want to see him happy and fulfilled with others. The more fulfilled he is, the more he can then give to you. Let the time he has with his buddies belong to him. Don’t question him about details, don’t make him feel guilty as though he is taking something away from you.

cc/author/2006

Discover the surprising truths about love and how they can heal your relationship in Dr. Shoshanna's e-book, Save Your Relationship (21 Basic Laws of Successful Relationships), http://www.truthaboutlove.com

How To Heal Your Relationship

noreply@blogger.com (Dr Brenda Shoshanna) — Tue, 28 Nov 2006 08:19:00 +0000

by Dr. Brenda Shoshanna

Article:

Many of us run into the same problems in relationships over and over. Even though we have a new partner, often nothing changes. It is natural to carry memories of all that has gone on in the past. For some these memories become wounds, for others, they become treasures. It is important to know how to heal past relationships, so that we can have a chance to start new and grow.

Building Bridges

When we try to block out the past from our lives, it arises again at the oddest times, causing old patterns to re-run. The art of healing our relationships is learning how to build a bridge between the person we are today and the person we used to be. Rather than hate old partners, or experiences, it is necessary to learn how to find the treasure each experience provided.

A Lesson In Each Experience

There is a valuable lesson in each experience. There is a way we can view what happened which will help us become strong. When we look for what each experience has taught us and apply the lesson, our entire life opens up. Then the past can make us strong. Each person we've encountered, (whether we liked them or not) becomes a bridge, a way to deepen the love and understanding we become capable of.

Yet, so few of us know how to do this. In a sense we are all like flowers longing for the light while we keep our petals closed, lost in sorrow and resentment. There is plenty of sun and light available, but if we are closed, we cannot let it in.

Making Peace

The crucial lesson we must learn is how to make peace with the pain we’ve gone through, and allows resentment and judgment to subside. Only then are we free to let new people and experiences into our world. Only then are we free to truly live in a present, which is constantly new.

To forgive means to give up – to give up judgment, blame resentment, revenge and cruelty of heart. It means finding a new way to understand what happened and take responsibility for our part in the dance. Beyond that, it means understanding that each person gave us what they could at that particular time of their lives. Our expectations and demands of them, are what have caused the pain. When we let one person “off the hook”, often to our surprise, we find our expectations and needs met by someone or something entirely new.

The crucial step in this process is to give up judging, rejecting or criticizing others. To stop labeling them as good or bad. Instead, it is crucial to look at our own expectations, and realize that we can never hope to have them all met by one person or another. It is up to us to reach within, find the kind spot in our hearts and help it grow. When our own loving hearts are fully developed, our expectations and demands of others lessen, and we are able to be more grateful and fulfilled by the many gifts life offers. We are also more able to attract that which is healthy and uplifting into our lives.

cc/author/2007

Discover more surprising truths about love that can heal your relationship in Dr. Shoshanna's e-book Save Your Relationship (21 Basic Laws of Successful Relationships), http://www.truthaboutlove.com.

The Top Two Communication Problems, And How To Solve Them

noreply@blogger.com (Dr Brenda Shoshanna) — Fri, 24 Nov 2006 06:08:00 +0000

by Dr. Brenda Shoshanna

Article:

Without effective communication, no relationship stands a chance. We talk (and listen) all day long, but only a small part of our communication takes place in words. Most of the time we believe the other is listening to and understanding what we saying, but by and large, this is not the case. Most of the time the other person is planning what he or she will say back, or tuning out, or building up some kind of fantasy that has nothing to do with what is going on at that moment.When we are fighting, we want more than ever to be understood and words go flying back and forth like arrows. At this point, resolution to the problem can be far away.

So what are the secrets of effective communication? How do we truly get what we want and give each other what we need? Let's look at the top two communication problems and see how they can be solved. Once this is done, you'll be off to a wonderful start in building the kind of relationship you have always wanted.

Problem One: Wanting to Be Right and Prove the Other Wrong

Before you are able to communicate effectively, you must look carefully at your intention. Are you communicating in order to be understood, to get what you want, or do you have another intention behind the words you are saying? Many couples end up just wanting to prove that they are in the right and their partner is wrong (and always has been).

This is communication as war. These words are filled with anger and blame. They cause the other person to feel small, bad or inadequate. The words in these communications are never listened to. However what is read loud and clear is the anger and righteousness behind what is being said. To remedy this, decide that you will stop blaming each other, and give each other a chance to truly be heard. Decide you do not have to prove a case, but find a way to establish a bridge of mutual understanding. These intentions are tremendously helpful in allowing a relationship to succeed.

Problem Two: Not Being Able to Hear the Other Person

Remember, communication consists not only of talking, but also listening and hearing what is being said. We can do a whole workshop on the art of listening, but to start, it is crucial to realize that each person can only truly "hear" what is being said if they are willing to put aside their own point of view and really be available to know the heart and mind of the other. This is not as simple as it sounds. Many of us immediately interpret what we are hearing, and put it into a ready-made slot.

Others distort what is being said. Others pretend to listen, but are occupied with their own thoughts. A solution to this is to repeat to the other what you think they have said. Let them know how their communication is filtering through to you. Let them make adjustments to your version of their message. And finally, be willing to really hear what they mean.

cc/author/2006

Discover the suprising truths about love in Dr. Shoshanna's e-book, Save Your Relationship, (21 Basic Laws of Successful Relationships). http://www.truthaboutlove.com

7 Steps For Melting Anger On The Spot

noreply@blogger.com (Dr Brenda Shoshanna) — Wed, 22 Nov 2006 07:14:00 +0000

by Dr. Brenda Shoshanna

Article:

Anger is a lethal force that undermines our lives in all kinds of ways. Sometimes it erupts openly and other times anger camouflages it and covertly undermines your life. Some experience anger as strength and power. They feel it is necessary in order to maintain control. Others assume they have the right to express anger towards those in their lives. These are some of the lies anger tells us. In fact, when we are angry we are out of control and our ability to respond wisely is diminished.

Here are 7 steps for handling anger on the spot.

Step 1: Realize that anger is a choice you make

Anger is not a form of power, strength, or control. It is a toxin. Sometimes it provides a temporary high. After this high subsides, we are left weaker and more uncertain than before. Not only that, there are often negative consequences that have to be handled.

Basically anger narrows your focus, creates confusion and limits your ability to find constructive solutions. When anger arises, stop, breathe deeply, and immediately look at the larger perspective. Put the incident in context. For a moment, allow the other person to be "right". Tell yourself you have plenty of time to be right later. Your main goal is to have the anger subside so you can see the whole picture clearly.

Step 2: Become aware of the 24 forms of anger

Anger camouflages itself and finds many covert ways of manifesting. Unrecognized anger turns into all kinds of unwanted behavior. When these behaviors are not understood it is very difficult to correct them. Awareness is important in making necessary changes.

Some of the 24 forms of anger are: depression, passive aggressive behavior, compulsions, perfectionism, gossiping and certain kinds of competition at the workplace. When you realize that these are being fuelled by anger, you can take appropriate steps to handle them.

Step 3: Start Relationship Balancing

Relationship Balancing is the natural flow of energy, support and inspiration between individuals. When this flow is balanced individuals operate at their maximum level. When the flow is blocked or out of balance, individuals become depressed, apathetic, sick and resentful. When one feels needed and acknowledged, there is no end to their ability to tap their full potential. Envision balanced relationships. Write down what this means to you and notice how it compares to the reality of your particular situation. This initial step provides a map and new focus. It provides a direction to move in.

Step 4: Discover Your Relationship Balancing Quotient

List each individual you interact with. Score each person on the following questions from 1-10. See for yourself what is going on.

a) I I feel at ease with this person.
b) I trust this person.
c) I communicate naturally with this person.
d) I understand what they're communicating to me.
e) I am able to ask this person for what I want from them.
f) I am able to give this person what they want from me.

Assess exactly what is going on in your important relationships. Take a look at what you want from each relationship. Separate your needs and wants. Start communicating your feelings in a responsible manner and asking for what you really need and want. Start truly listening to the other, to who they actually are, not your images or agendas for them.

We can often be in a relationship with a person for a long time and not even begin to know who they truly are. As you begin taking the steps above, you will make natural adjustments in getting this relationship back on track.

Step 5: Stop Casting Blame

Blaming others is one of the largest factors in causing imbalance in your relationships and keeping the anger going. Stop casting blame. By blaming others you are disempowering yourself. By taking responsibility you are taking back control. Stop a moment and see the situation through your opponent's eyes. When you do this blame dissolves on the spot. Also, remember, the best defense against being hurt is to feel good about yourself and the way a person responds to you says more about them, than about you.

As you stop casting blame you will be letting go of all kinds of resentments. Resentment inevitably affects our well-being and always bounces back on us. Look for and find what is positive in each individual. Focus on that.

Step 6 - Create Realistic Expectations

There is nothing that makes us more angry and hurt than expectations we've been holding onto that have not been met. It is important that you become aware of what your expectations are for your relationships. Are they realistic? Does the other person hold expectations that are similar? Let go of unrealistic fantasies. Once this is done, much opportunity for anger diminishes on the spot.

Step 7 – Develop A Grateful Mind

See what different people in your lives are truly giving to you. We often take many things for granted and are even unaware of all that we are receiving day by day. Take time to write down each day what you are receiving. Be grateful for that. Make a point of giving thanks. The more we thank others, the happier we become. Also, take time to write down all that you have given others that day. It may be a surprise. We often think we are giving so much and receiving so little. This is a great cause of anger, deprivation and emptiness within. However, when we take time daily to write it down and look at it carefully, we are often surprised and how much we have received and how little given in return. As we look at it carefully, and balance these two activities, we learn to take pleasure both in what we have given and what has been received.

Watch stress melt away on Dr Shoshanna's award wininng program The Anger Diet (30 Days to Stress Free Living), http://www.theangerdiet.com.

Copyright (c) 2006 Brenda Shoshanna

Why It Is Impossible To Fail At Love

noreply@blogger.com (Dr Brenda Shoshanna) — Sun, 19 Nov 2006 07:54:00 +0000

by Dr. Brenda Shoshanna

Article:

So many times relationships start out wonderfully with a sense of happiness and excitement. The person feels as if we’ve found, “the one”. Then as time passes, before they know it, they begin to wonder where has the love gone? Many feel lost when this happens. They do not know what went wrong, how to correct misunderstandings or what steps need to be taken to make things right again.

It seems to many that love is a mystery. When one relationship ends, they fear they may not find someone new, or be able to love again. Or, even when they are trying as hard as they can, often unexpected obstacles arise in the relationship that cannot be overcome. Tremendous amounts of time, energy and emotion are wasted pondering this situation. In some cases, entire lives are de-railed. None of this is necessary.

Stop a moment and think about it. You would never try to build a building without first getting an architect’s plan. Without a strong foundation, any passing storm would easily knock the building down. The same is true of relationships.

So many jump into relationships wanting to fly to the heights without having any understanding at all of how to build a relationship with a foundation that will allow their love to stand tall and strong. They mistake all kinds of emotions, needs and fantasies for love.

However, just as an architect knows and respects the laws of gravity, we too must know and work with the basic laws of love. These laws operate unfailingly. They are the cornerstone of all relationships and guidelines for the human heart. Once we learn and apply the basic laws of love, it is truly impossible to fail at love. No matter what happens.

Unfortunately, rather than learn these simple laws, most have absorbed many myths and fantasies. They then suffer greatly when their dreams do not come to pass and either blame themselves and others. However, it is extremely important to realize that the only thing that causes hurt, loss, or distress in relationships are the fantasies we hold onto. Once we replace these fantasies with the simple laws of love, a whole new world opens. Confusion is cleared up and we naturally see the right steps to take.

To begin with, let us absorb this law #1. It is impossible to fail at love.

No one is a failure in love. Our mistakes, losses, confusion and mishaps do not arise because of love. They arise simply out of our ignorance of who we are and what love truly is. We then feel we don’t know where love is hiding or how to act to get and keep it. So, of course, we’ll try anything.

All of this can be easily corrected. To begin we need to realize that if we have pain, suffering and upset relationships, none of it is caused by love. Once we learn what love is and how to practice it, we simply cannot fall down again.

Love brings fulfillment, healing, kindness, warmth and inspiration. Let us separate truth from error here. If this is not what's going on in your relationship, it is not an expression of love. But it is easy to save your relationship. Let us learn how to build relationships that are based on a strong foundation, that show us how to be all we were meant to be, relationships that can never fall apart.

How To Grow A Zen Child

noreply@blogger.com (Dr Brenda Shoshanna) — Sat, 18 Nov 2006 07:41:00 +0000

by Dr. Brenda Shoshanna

When children are raised naturally, in keeping with their own true hearts, there is nothing that we need to teach them.In fact, the children then become our teachers, reminding us of what is important in life, showing us how to express love and feel the simple adventure of being alive.

To grow a Zen child, means to raise a healthy, expressive, creative child--a child easily in touch with who they truly are. This child is naturally curious about life, experiencing each day as an adventure, going to sleep happy at night. This is a child to whom sharing comes naturally, who can laugh when things are funny and cry when they're sad, who is not terrified of the consequences of their behavior or focused unnecessarily upon reactions of adults. This child then becomes strong and stable, able to weather all kinds of conflicting demands and pressures.

Actually, all of Zen practice comes simply to teach us how to become a child once again. Not how to become childish, but child-like, how to tap the natural knowingness, resources and spontaneity we were all born with, to find delight in our days and share it with others.

In order to grow a Zen child certain basic steps need to be honored and taken. These steps are not difficult though they may be different from the ways in which we have usually been trained to think about child-rearing.

Some Steps To Growing A Zen Child

1) Honor The Child's Natural Wisdom And Gifts

Most of us feel that we have to fill our children with information, knowledge, skills, direction. From the moment they are born we must "mold" them in the right direction, so that they will grow to fulfill our values and images of a successful adult. We do not stop a moment and question how these images have impacted upon us, how fulfilled and whole our lives are. We teach our children much more by who we are than by what we preach.

All children have their own innate wisdom, rhythms, sense of exploration, and ability to express what is most dear to them. Our job as caretakers is to create a loving, safe environment in which both we and they can discover who they are. Raising children, (like Zen practice) is a process of discovery. We must take our lead from the children, not impose ourselves upon them.

When children feel so deeply respected, all that is best and natural emerges easily. Their full intelligence and abilities become available to them. This kind of child will not become aggressive, distracted and filled with all kinds of fears. When a being's basic nature is not interfered with, it becomes empowered to function at its best.

2) Don't Compare Your Child With Others

Conformity and competition have become a craze (and plague) in our nation and in the process of child rearing. Nothing could be worse for both the parents and children. Comparing your child's progress, scores or abilities with those of other children tell you absolutely nothing about who he/she is, or how they will do in their lives. There are many ways and timetables for developing, and different gifts and abilities that different children have.

Remember that being different doesn't mean being better or worse. Many kinds of trees and flowers are needed in a garden. An apple tree will produce the best possible apples, don't force it to give you pears. Not only will that distort it's growth, but it will make the apple tree very sad. A garden with only one kind of flower would become uninteresting. Just as we need roses, tulips, lilies, etc. for the garden to be complete, we need all kinds of different children to make a whole world.

3) Allow Your Child To Express Who She Is

There are many, many constrictions placed upon what children are allowed to express. There is a demand for politeness, control and censure coupled with the intrinsic notion that certain thoughts and feelings are bad and cannot or should not be expressed. The child develops the sense that certain parts of them are bad and unacceptable. This causes these parts to go underground, and become the source of symptoms of all kinds.

Help the child find a way to communicate and express whatever he/she is going through. It can be done through words, song, art, plays, dancing together, planting flowers. Make sure you find a way to let them know you truly hear what it is they need to say. The child’s self worth will then grow.

4) Look For And See The Best In All The Child Does

Rather than find fault, criticize, punish and negate the child in the thousands of ways we usually do, specifically look for and see the best in the child and all that they do. Acknowledge it to them as well. Everyday let the child know something you are truly proud of them for and pleased with about them.

However, sadly, in many situations the opposite occurs, praise and acknowledgement is given rarely, in a context of criticism and complaint. Turn this around. Let the child realize that though they may have made an error, the totality of who they are is wonderful.

You can also ask them what they are pleased with and proud of about you. If there is something troubling them in the relationship, this is a time it will come to the fore. There is nothing more crucial than keeping open lines of full communication between parents and child.

5) Grow Yourself!

Of course as parents grow a Zen child, they are simultaneously growing themselves. The way we treat another, reflects back upon us. The beauty and goodness we find in another, we begin to see wherever we go. As we loosen the bonds and chains we tie our children in, we are always freeing ourselves as well. Power struggles disappear in these kinds of relationships, and make lots of room for love to grow.

cc/author2007

How To Put An End To Loneliness

noreply@blogger.com (Dr Brenda Shoshanna) — Fri, 17 Nov 2006 04:02:00 +0000

by Dr. Brenda Shoshanna

Article:

Loneliness and separation are the real illness of our times. While we urgently need true communication, instead we often find withdrawal, games and lies. This is so widespread it is taken as the norm. So often we come away from one another filled with misunderstanding, wondering what really went on. Although we may not realize it, this confusion arises because we do not know who we really are or who the person we are with is either.

We get us many chances to set this right. Our entire life consists of building bridges. Each person we meet is another bridge, another link, a new way to deepen the love and understanding we can become capable of. Yet, so few of us know how to build this link - so few allow it. Or, if we do, it is only for a few precious moments only, and then we run away and hide.

The crucial bridge is the one, which allows another person into our world. But there are many obstacles in crossing this bridge. Usually our first response to another person is to judge, reject, or make some kind of criticism.

We meet someone and immediately label them. Instead of being a person, they become an object to us, a stranger, or opponent. In this way we separate ourselves from them. Then, we wonder why we feel so alone.

Games We Play

“Give up sirs, your proud airs, your many wishes, mannerisms and extravagant claims. They won't do you any good, sir! That's all I have to tell you.” Lao Tse

In order to put an end to the loneliness we feel, we must look at the roles and games we play—at the identities we cherish. These roles, dreams and images are often exactly what keep our loneliness going strong.

Most of us wear many hats, play many roles. In each hat we look and feel slightly different. These hats are comfortable. They ward off the wind, snow and rain. But sometimes one hat gets stuck on your head. You don't remember that you have just put it on for the afternoon, and that it’s hiding your true face. Roles

A role is a set of behaviors intended to project a certain kind of image to others and to ourselves. In each role we adopt certain behaviors, feelings and attitudes. These responses are built in automatically.

When we are thoroughly identified with a role we play, not only does this keep us from interacting with all kinds of people, and exploring all kinds of possibilities, but it keep us out of with what is truly going on. Instead of being real our lives become an elaborate performance. When this happens, loneliness is inevitable. This loneliness is not caused by a separation from others, but from true selves.

Roles can also be hypnotic. We can fall in love with a role or fantasy and begin to believe it is who we truly are. Or, more commonly, we can fall in love with someone who is playing out a role. (Here we are not falling in love with the person, but with the image or fantasy they create for us).

It can come as quite a shock to us when the person drops this role and we are face to face with who they really are, (this usually takes several months into the relationship, and then we start wondering, where the love has gone?)

Roles give us a sense of temporary security. Temporary security isn't bad, but it is only temporary and does not deal with our deeper needs, or with the inner emptiness we feel.

The biggest danger of being lost in role playing is that these roles may begin to take over. We can lose touch with the reality of what is going on. We lose touch with what we really feel, and may not even be able to see many possibilities for our lives that are available.

An incredible amount of misunderstanding and lack of communication comes from being glued to a particular role or sense of yourself. Unglue yourself a little. See if you can begin to separate yourself from the static role definition you have been living with.

Exercise: Freeing Yourself

What kind of roles, games or identities you cling to?

How does this affect your overall functioning?

How does this contribute to your sense of being lonely, estranged or separate from others?

Let go of one role, game or identity you usually play a day.

Just be who you are. Let yourself know how you feel and what is truly important to you.

As you do this day after day, you will become more connected to both yourself and the entire world.

* * * * * *

Discover the surprising truths about love and how they can save your relationship in Dr Shoshanna's e-program Save Your Relationship (21 Basic Laws of Successful Relationships), http://www.truthaboutlove.com

How To Keep Love Growing Through All The Ups And Downs

noreply@blogger.com (Dr Brenda Shoshanna) — Fri, 17 Nov 2006 03:26:00 +0000

by Dr. Brenda Shoshanna

Article:

We are meant to live a life of love. However, no matter how successful some are in other aspects of their lives, they wonder if it’s possible to have the same success in love. Although things may start out wonderfully in the beginning, there is always the fear that it won’t last, that difficulties will arise, feelings will start to change. Then when things alter, as they naturally must, many have the mistaken idea that the love is disappearing. . They wonder what went wrong.

Nothing went wrong. Change is natural and inevitable. It does not mean that the love has gone away. That is a mistaken idea of what love is. We simply have to know what love is, and how to keep it growing, through all the ups and downs.

The Perfect Partner

When we initially fall in love, we feel we have found “the perfect person.” A tremendous excitement takes over. We project many wonderful qualities upon our partner and block out any faults. Then we feel that we, too, must be so wonderful to have a partner who is so ideal. For many there is the feeling that they have finally discovered someone who will be able to give them all the love, approval and inspiration they have sought all their lives.

This is a huge demand to make upon another person, but it happens anyway. When this demand is not fulfilled, a deep disappointment can arise. It seems as though the partner has failed us, but in truth it is the unrealistic demands we have made that is causing pain.

Guide 1: Take a close look at what you are expecting from your partner. Is it possible? Are you setting yourself up for a fall?

Realize that no one can make up for years of upset. No one can give you all you need to feel whole. You must learn to love, grow and become whole on your own. You must become your own best friend, and also learn to be a friend to the other

After a period of time, when we feel more secure in the relationship, it is inevitable that reality starts to set in. Different qualities in our partner become obvious. It’s hard to keep pretending that the person matches all our dreams. It is at this point that questions and doubts start to surface. Perhaps there is a desire to “change” the other to meet our image, or a feeling that if they loved us enough, they would naturally change.

Both stop a moment and think carefully. Another person does not exist to meet all of your needs and dreams. This is not love. It is using anotheras an object to meet our needs. This desire itself cause our pain.

Guide 2: No one has to change for you to love them. Nor do you have to change to be worthy of love. You can never change enough to please another person. The work of love is to be able to love the other just as they are, and to also love yourself.

The work of love is the work of learning to accept the other person, and also to accept yourself. Love is not a feeling that stays the same all the time. Love is a verb. It grows as we face change and difficulty. Love grows through actions we take, through understanding and through developing the ability to really know who the other is and to really become their friend.

“A feeling that is here one minute and gone the next cannot be called love."

What can help restore a relationship? Hear men tell you in their own words why they leave relationships and what makes a relationship work for them in this classic, eye-opening ebook on modern relationships. Why Men Leave http://www.whymenleave.com offers a real understanding of men. It changes the way women think about men, and about what goes on in relationships.

This self help program is written by Dr. Brenda Shoshanna, psychologist, relationship expert, workshop leader and best selling author. Sought out by major publishing houses, her books include "The Anger Diet" (Andrews McMeel Publishing) and "Zen And The Art of Falling In Love" (Simon and Schuster), among many others. She has appeared as an expert on such tv news programs such CBS, ABC, FOX, just to name a few. You may contact her at topspeaker@yahoo.com

Go to http://www.whymenleave to download your copy now.

The Simple Facts About Falling In Love

noreply@blogger.com (Dr Brenda Shoshanna) — Wed, 15 Nov 2006 08:47:00 +0000

by Dr. Brenda Shoshanna

We are meant to live a life of love. However, no matter how successful some are in other aspects of their lives, they don't feel it's realistic to have the same success in love.

But being in love is the most realistic thing you can do. It energizes your life, fills you with positivity, creates generosity and makes every moment beautiful. The body heals the heart is happy. The real question is, why aren't we in love all the time? What keeps it away?

The following steps will show you how easy it is to open your eyes and find love wherever you go.

1) THE ONE RIGHT BESIDES YOU

Most of the time we are searching for the right person and don't take a moment to stop and see who is right in front of our eyes.

- Look at a person who is close to you right now, anyone it happens to be.

-Notice the ways in which you push him away. Stop doing that.

-Allow the two of you to be together in whatever way you are.

-Do the same thing tomorrow with someone else.

We dismiss so many people who are in our worlds, while waiting for the right one to appear. The more we can be right with everyone, the sooner we'll find just what we're looking for.

2)PLAYING AT LOVE

So many complain that they are not loved. The reason for this is they are so busy playing games their partner never knows who they really are.

-Notice what games you play in relationships, and what games you demand others play. See if you are in love with the person, or with the game you are both playing right now.

-Become aware of the difference between who you are and the games you play. Let the games and be who you are. Who you are is always loveable. It's the games that get in the way.

3)LETTING HIM COME AND LETTING HIM GO

-One obstacle to falling in love is the tendency to hold on to what is wrong. We grasp and cling to whatever we have, preventing the right one from coming to us.

-When someone comes into your life (or day) practice letting him come.

-Enjoy him/her for whoever he is.

-When it is time for a person to go, practice letting him go. Do not turn this into an experience of rejection or loss. It is simply time for him to go.

- Do this with yourself as well. Let yourself come and go freely, not tying yourself in chains. The more we free others and ourselves, the more easily we fall in love.

4)PUTTING YOUR BAGGAGE DOWN

Many feel that love is not possible unless all their demands are met. They can be quite amazed to discover that these demands donâ€™t lead to happiness. They may even be obstacles to falling in love.

- Take a look at what you feel is absolutely necessary in relationships. Realize this is baggage you are carrying that may be keeping all kinds of people and possibilities away.

- Let one of these demands subside. At first let it go for just one day. (Remember you can always take it back again). Now try another day. The more you do this the more lighter and happier you will feel. And the more space you will make for all kinds of new people, possibilities and situations to come your way.

5)GIVING GIFTS

-What gifts do you give others in relationships? And what do you hope to receive in return? It's important to give openly as well as to receive.

- Find something new you can give to somebody. Give it. Do this everyday. It does not have to be fancy or expensive. Do this with all kinds of different people. Do it quietly without fanfare and without expecting something in return.

- Do this with yourself as well. Each day take a moment to find out what kind of gift you would like today. (A walk in the park, new lipstick, time with someone you care for.) Give this to yourself each day. Although this exercise is simple, it is extremely powerful. Doing this daily in your relationship can turn everything around. By living with this open, generous mind, all kinds of other gifts come to you naturally.

6) MAKING FRIENDS WITH YOURSELF

Many say they are lonely, even with a partner at their side. This is simply because they have not yet made friends with themselves. Once they make friends with themselves and are able to be who they are, loneliness disappears.

Make friends with yourself. Spend time noticing who you are. Accept all parts of yourself. Stop judging and rejecting what is going on inside. Understand you are perfect just as you are. Then choose to do the same in relationships. Choose to have relationships with those who want and appreciate just what you are.

Save Your Relationship
(www.truthaboutlove.com)

"A ground-breaking relationship counseling program which reveals proven methods to overcoming the most difficult relationship problems.
Written by
Dr. Shoshanna, a state licensed Psychologist & Psychoanalyst. She is an award winning international author, a resident relationship expert on i.village.com -and a professor at Barnes and Noble University Online. She appears regulary on network TV, sharing relationship advice, guidance and healing with audiences worldwide.

Blog Home Page

Living By Zen

noreply@blogger.com (Dr Brenda Shoshanna) — Wed, 15 Nov 2006 08:37:00 +0000

Living By Zen
(www.livingbyzen.com)

Now You Can Easily Stop Being Upset, Stressed or Anxious - Even If You've Tried Everything Before.

Of course you want to feel calm, balanced and positive no matter what is going on in your life. But you've probably tried so many books, treatments, programs, etc., you don't know who or what to believe anymore. You want to stop feeling stressed and uncertain more than anything else, and you should.

Dr. Shoshanna, a state licensed Psychologist & Psychoanalyst. She is an award winning international author, a resident relationship expert on i.village.com -and a professor at Barnes and Noble University Online. She appears regulary on network TV, sharing relationship advice, guidance and healing with audiences worldwide.

Blog Home Page

Living By Zen (Timeless Truths For Everyday Life)

noreply@blogger.com (Dr Brenda Shoshanna) — Wed, 15 Nov 2006 08:11:00 +0000

by Dr. Brenda Shoshanna

The great gate is open, but travelers seek everywhere - Eshin

In the midst of our lives, hungry, thirsty and often weary, there comes a moment when we stop and wonder, is this all there is? Is there another way to live my life that will bring the joy and contentment that eludes me?

Why Zen? Why Now?

Caught in the patterns of our lives, each of us has an intuition of something beyond the way we are now living. This something has the power to dispel sorrow and transform our lives into one of wholeness and joy. This is what Zen offers. This ancient practice has the power to heal division and offer the strength, compassion and refreshment we all desire.

The truth about Zen is that it is simple, and best practiced right in the midst of our everyday lives. This presents a unique opportunity. We now have the chance to grow like flowers, planted in the soil of our daily concerns.

As we begin to live the Zen way, we develop a new way of knowing and of being in the world. We do not analyze, explain or justify what happens. Rather than try to mold or control our experience, we simply make friends with it, become acquainted, let it instruct us and be our guide.

Finding Zen First Steps

When people find out about Zen they often become excited, feeling as though they have stumbled upon something, which will quickly change their entire lives. Along with this excitement comes a rush of hopes, dreams and demands. We always approach Zen the way we approach the rest of our lives. But Zen turns things upside down and then right side up again. Here are some fundamental pointers which show the new direction your life will take: Pointers and Warnings

These pointers are for beginning students. A student can be considered a â€œbeginning studentâ€ for the first 50 years or more. Take a deep breath. We are not going anywhere fast. In fact, we are returning back to our original home.

Zen Pointer 1
Stop Looking For A Quick Fix

A great danger in our lives is looking for a quick fix, believing there are all kinds of wise ones around who have the answers for our lives. That is not the point of Zen. What is the point? Do it yourself and find out. No one else can tell you. As they say in Zen, â€œDonâ€™t put a head on your head. Whatâ€™s wrong with your own, anyway?

Zen Pointer 2
“Give Up Unnecessary Pressure"

Most of the time we create all kinds of goals and drive ourselves crazy to reach them. We measure our progress, compare ourselves to others, judge ourselves relentlessly. This is not the Zen way. Here we focus upon each breath, each day, each moment and experience it totally. One complete breath brings the next. The path is made by walking.

Zen Pointer 3
"Go Back To The Beginning"

Many are constantly seeking more and more, exploring new territories, ideas, relationships. They then feel they are advancing and gaining ground. However, many rush forward without really knowing where they are going. Once they arrive, they quickly set a new destination and start rushing to it again.

The Zen way is to return to the beginning. We stop, sit down, look within. We remember where we came from, who we are and where we are headed. We also remember to take care of our simple lives as well as the lives of others along the way.

By returning to our original nature, we remember how to sit, breathe, eat, play and re-claim the excitement, joy and adventure we felt as children, but lost along the way.

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Discover the 2000 year old secrets for being calm, balanced and positive no matter what is going on in your life in Living By Zen, (Timeless Truths For Everyday Life), http://www.livingbyzen.com

Dr. Shoshanna, a state licensed Psychologist & Psychoanalyst. She is an award winning international author, a resident relationship expert on i.village.com -and a professor at Barnes and Noble University Online. She appears regulary on network TV, sharing relationship advice, guidance and healing with audiences worldwide.

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Dr. Shoshanna on Geraldo Rivera "At Large"

noreply@blogger.com (Dr Brenda Shoshanna) — Sat, 11 Nov 2006 07:56:00 +0000

THE ANGER DIET
(www.theangerdiet.com)
"A ground-breaking relationship counseling program which reveals proven methods to overcoming the most difficult relationship problems.
Dr. Shoshanna (www.brendashoshanna.com) is a state licensed Psychologist & Psychoanalyst. She is an award winning international author, a resident relationship expert on i.village.com -and a professor at Barnes and Noble University Online. She appears regulary on network TV, sharing relationship advice, guidance and healing with audiences worldwide.

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From Anger To Peace Of Mind

noreply@blogger.com (Dr Brenda Shoshanna) — Sat, 11 Nov 2006 07:40:00 +0000

by Dr. Brenda Shoshanna

Article:

Anger is a serious problem for one in every five Americans. Road rage, workplace violence, domestic abuse and even addiction are just a few of its many expressions. The reason such a large umber of our nation’s citizens are on antidepressants, overweight, and involved in all kinds of difficult relationships can be directly traced to the effects of anger, particularly the hidden kind.

Anger has many faces. It appears in various forms and creates different consequences. Anger that is overt is the simplest to deal with and understand. When we or someone we know is openly angry, we know what we are up against and can address it directly. Unfortunately, however, most anger lurks beneath the surface. It often does not come to our awareness and manifests in endless, hidden ways – as depression, anxiety, apathy, hopelessness, and in myriad other forms.

Today we fear all kinds of external enemies. It is not so easy to realize, however, that the worse enemy we face is the anger that resides within us, the terror it causes and the ways this poison affects so much of our lives.

It is one thing to be told to forgive one another. It is another to know how to do this. Even though we may want to forgive, anger can be ruthless in the course it takes, attacking and disrupting our body, mind and spirits. However, there are many specific steps we can take to root this toxin out of our lives. As we do the results will be reflected not only in our mental and emotional well-being, but also in our environment and physical health. When anger is rooted out, love and forgiveness arise naturally and our lives and relationships become all they are meant to be.

Some of The 24 Forms of Anger –

The first step in rooting anger out of our lives is becoming aware of it. It is crucial that we recognize anger for what it is, be aware that it is appearing and notice the devastation it creates. When anger is allowed to remain camouflaged it holds us in its grip and easily erodes the quality of our entire lives. By recognizing the 24 forms of anger, we will be able to shine a flashlight on the poison within. Then we can choose to eliminate each one of these forms of anger, one a day. There are many wonderful antidotes that we can take. Instead of allowing anger to take hold, we simply replace it with a life giving, constructive, healing response.

To begin we will look at a few of the 24 forms of anger, and how it affects your life. More will be explored in further articles and are also detailed in The Anger Diet. In this article we will also explore some ways these forms of anger can be eliminated.

1) Straightforward Anger – Attack.

This is anger that is clear-cut and easy to recognize. The anger comes right out. Many regret it afterwards, feeling they couldn’t control themselves. This kind of anger has a life of its own; it rises like a flash storm and can easily turn into verbal, emotional or physical abuse.

2) Hypocrisy –

You are angry, but hide it beneath a smile and present a false persona, pretending to be someone you’re not. This behavior evolves into bad faith of all kinds. Although you think you are fooling others, in truth you are losing yourself and your own self-respect.

3) Depression –

Depression is so pervasive these days, and it ranges the gamut from mild to severe. Depression is anger and rage turned against oneself. It comes from not being able to identify or appropriately express the anger one is feeling. It then simply turns into depressions, attack against the person who is experiencing it.

4) Passive Aggression –

This is a form of anger expressed not by what we do but by what we do not do. We refuse to give the other person what they ask for, want or need. In this manner we anger the other while making it seem as though they are the one that is overly demanding. This is a way of expressing anger without taking responsibility for it, and blaming the other for what we have set in motion.

Steps To Dissolving Anger

Needless to say there are many specific steps to take to undo different forms of anger. We will offer some samples. The important point to realize is that anger can be dissolved in a moment. We can choose to see things differently. We can choose to make a different response.

It takes only a moment to escalate a situation and in that same moment, the trouble can be de-escalated. We must stop in the middle of automatic anger that arises, and take charge of what is going on. We can and must decide that we will not let anger take over and rule. We have the right and responsibility to choose how we will respond. Sample Ways To De-Escalate Anger:

1) Straightforward Attack:

Stop in the middle of a situation in which you either feel angry or are being attacked. Expand your vistas. Rather than respond in a knee-jerk manner, say to yourself, “Like me, this person has suffered. Like me, this person wants to be happy, like me this person experiences loneliness and loss.” As you do this, you are recognizing the similarities and common humanity you share, rather than focus on the differences. For a moment, allow the person to be right. You have plenty of time to be right later. Ask yourself, what is more important to you, to be “right” or to be free of anger? Choose compassion and see how you feel.See how the other feels as well. Watch new vistas open in your life.

2) Hypocrisy:

This is a common form of anger that appears in many different ways. When you notice yourself pretending, lying, exaggerating or deceiving, stop. Tell the truth at that moment. Be the truth. If you do not know what the truth is, be silent and become aware of what the deepest truth is for you. (This does not mean pouring out negativity or blaming the other. It means taking responsibility for what is real and true for you. (This will not only restore good will, it will connect you with what is most meaningful in your life.)

3) Depression:

Make friends with yourself today. When we are depressed, we are rejecting, hating and blaming ourselves. Undo this false state of mind. Find five things you admire and respect about who you are. Focus on sharing your good qualities with another. In depression we are only absorbed with ourselves. A wonderful antidote is to become absorbed with how you can reach out to and help another. As we root anger out of our lives, and find meaningful substitutions not only our lives but the lives of our loved ones, friends and acquaintances will be lifted and enhanced. Try the full anger diet and see.

Learn how to melt away toxic feelings on the award winning book The Anger Diet (30 Days to Stress Free Living), http://www.theangerdiet.com. This is a diet from anger where we give up one form of anger a day and replace it with a healthy antidote.

Written by Dr. Shoshanna, a state licensed Psychologist, she is an award winning international author, a resident relationship expert on i.village.com -and a professor at Barnes and Noble University Online. She appears regulary on network TV, sharing relationship advice, guidance and healing with audiences worldwide.

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