EXTREME MYSTERY SHOPPER

Cafe Andaluz (Or 'that fuckin tapas place just off of George Square' as it's most commonly known in Glasgow)

2010-08-19T09:37:00.000-07:00

After a heady night in Glasgow city center, on the piss (of course) for a friends birthday, the five of us decided that tapas would be a much better idea than our usual serving of half-cooked chips n' cheese to wrap the night up. Pretty soon we found ourselves lurching and grunting our way towards Cafe Andaluz on St Vincent Street.
Luckily for us we managed to score a table, which for a Friday night in such a popular restaurant is rarer than a Catholic priest with morals, and no sooner than you can say 'fucking hell that's a lot of food' our table was awash with perfectly formed little portions of absolute tasty.
The service was fast and friendly, although the cost of both drink and food could have bought us a truck full of the aforementioned chips 'n cheese and at least three taxi's home, we did however splash out on four jugs of 'cava sangria' at fifteen quid a pop which although delicious tasted more like fruit juice than booze and wouldn't have gotten me pissed if I was sealed into a giant vat of the stuff.
Every single portion of tapas was great, from the king prawns to the garlic mushrooms (averaging in price from 3.50 to 5.95 per portion so be careful when ordering and keep an eye on the bill tally!) and the only small gripe I had was that some of the staff were either totally ignoring our drunken bullshit or were genuinely Spanish and couldn't understand a word we were saying. At one point one of our group asked for a jug of iced water, a simple enough request that unfortunately resulted in a five minute exchange regarding Spanish holidays, dating Spaniards, airplanes, and lots of confused laughter from both sides. The water never came.

One word of warning though when you find yourself drunk and sitting down hungry in a Tapas restaurant, for the love of God don't buy absolutely everything that you think would be tasty on the pretense that they are all baby-sized portions. Three of these per person is still quite a bit of food and you'll find yourself fuller than you thought you would be.
Don't be a dick and order 5-6 items each like we did.
That's just fucking madness.

PRISON IN BRITAIN

2010-08-12T04:21:00.000-07:00

Ever wondered what prison was like ?
Ever thought to yourself; 'aye I think I could deal wae that 'IF'' it happened ?

well read on ....A 5 star joint it aint, so if yer wondering if the grub is still bread 'n' water then no, its just a wee bit better! its what cons call ''vitamin -free food'' its had all the goodness steamed out of it before it hits out plastic trays, but one jail in particular (Glenochil) used to make a brilliant white sauce (kinda like white custard) with a round thick biscuit called a ''highlander''. I have honestly seen a guy get slashed defending his white sauce and highlander. As for cell mates , you can be lumped in with all-sorts of weird and wonderful characters! Most folk think ..oh jail must be a mad bad place? The opposite is somewhat nearer to the truth ... 90% of inmates are in for minor offenses (theft, drugs, housebreaking, police assault...etc) most inmates done things either in desperation, or when drunk ..and when you meet them in prison (sober!) you just see a normal guy, a normal guy who is paying the price for 10 minutes of madness.
As for getting raped in the shower/cell , well in Scottish jails this would definitely not be on, A rapist is a rapist, so don't worry, when you leave the big house your bum will still be your own!
If your into animal rights and saving the otter..etc .. well there' plenty of wildlife inside too, there's loads of cats in the old Victorian prisons , Bar-l, Perth, Peterhead, but at night the screams that come from cats in heat, is nerve shattering, first time I heard it, I thought I was hearing a baby screaming, I was listening for about 20 minutes of this horrific screaming ,when i thought FUCK IT! I was up at the window, shouting for someone, anyone, to shove a bottle in that weans mouth to shut it up ...it was so life like those cat wails!
When Glenochil was a young offenders (Y.O.'s) jail, they had an Avery with about 20 parakeets and 20 budgies. When I turned in to an adult prisoner (21) I left Glenochil for Barlinnie, only for Glenochil 9mths later to turn its Y.O.'s out and fill the place with adult prisoners from Peterhead and Barlinnie...so back I went, only this time to my surprise the screws who had normally been used to bullying Y.O.'s now had to deal with most of Scotland hardest inmates, (lifers etc..)and man did they bottle it!

Well inmates being inmates they sensed this fear and duly started running the show, first place to be re-nationalised was the avery. Whilst coming back from a visit I was walkin past the avery when I seen a friend with three other inmates coming from the hairdressers, but with strange moving bulges in their pockets... when I asked what the score was I was told that for a half ounce I could get a budgie, or a parakeet for an ounce of snout. I ended up with a budgie .. which lived in my cupboard until I sold him as he was far too fuckin' noisy.

Aye prison life can be strange ....
next time ill mention what its like in a prison riot.

As told to Azaziel by his good mate Shug

Jamie's Italian kitchen Glasgow

2010-07-14T14:02:00.000-07:00

At last! As unbelievable as this may sound I actually have nothing but good things to say about a place! After blagging a couple of tickets to Jamie Oliver's new Glasgow eatery's test day I have to say I wasn't expecting anything special, but then again I'm a grumpy little bastard and I never do...

Initial thoughts were, shall we say, confused. The inner decor was a mash up between a Russian factory and a Parisian bakery but somehow it actually worked and the staff seemed warm and friendly, with a surprising amount of tattoos on display. It just felt really relaxed to be honest which is unusual for a busy restaurant in Glasgow city centre, especially during a test run opening.

I opted for some kind of mushroom 'rice-ball' thingy's with garlic and tomato dip for my starter and garlic tagliatelle for my main course and I have to say that if it wasn't for the horrific hangover I was still suffering from the day before then it may have been the best meal I've had all year, definitely an eight out of ten! The food was well cooked and tasty and the service was friendly and prompt, as far as prices go it is a bit expensive but no more than any other restaurant round that area of the city center. Dino's is probably more expensive and this stuff beats the shit out of Dino's...hands down! In quality if not quantity though as my only slight gripe was that the portions themselves aren't more than a handful, but if you like 'em bigger ( and most of us boys do...) then you could always just opt for the larger portion, it's almost double the price but by god you won't leave that building hungry.Unless you're a big, greedy fat bastard that is, or maybe you just have a 'thyroid' problem...fatty..

THE 13TH NOTE GLASGOW

2010-07-08T06:02:00.000-07:00

On 2 July 2010, a couple of handsome young motherfuckers were subjected to a horrifying experience when a scruffy looking emo-bartender mistakenly 'mislaid' one of their fivers and gave them change of a fifteen pound note, rather than the twenty they had paid with. He then proceeded to waste a whole 25 minutes of their time with excuses, cheek, lies and suspicious sideways glances... That's 25 minutes drinking time they will never get back. The horror!!

Unfortunately for the shithole in question, this was not the beginning of a standard Glaswegian drinking binge, oh no. This was a visit from one of the EMS crew and they had just tried to screw-over the wrong person...

The hero of our tale visited the bar and innocently handed over a twenty pound note for a bottle of cider and a pint of lager, totalling £6.60. Not that cheap but to be honest, not that bad for the city centre either. His change was £8.40. Obviously a mistake, unless the government had started printing fifteen pound notes when he was in the toilet earlier, offloading the last of last nights 'curry-beast' taco.

The simple looking barman couldn't quite grasp this concept though and what started as a simple complaint turned into a confusing argument resulting in the till being counted twice (with two different outcomes) and the barman lying and stating that he was the manager. Three separate phone numbers for the owner were eventually provided and the owner was finally contacted at home. All this for a fucking fiver!!

It was only after the full argument (in which the idiot bartender started ranting about how our luckless reporter was personally calling him a thief) that our resident assistant manager thought he would get in on the debate too, proclaiming in amazement, 'How could he give you change of a fifteen pound note??? That’s just mental!!'

You’re absolutely right man, that is fucking mental and that's the problem we had found ourselves facing! It was only on the way out of the door that we realised our 'ass manager' (tee-hee) was actually sitting listening to his staff member lie, bullshit and generally be a cunt to a customer with a genuine grievance without doing anything about it! That's a fucking great job you’re doing there dude, keep up the good work. Those fucking newspapers at the end of the bar won’t read themselves you know!

So basically, if you want to go to a dusty looking, shitty old bar that thinks its far too cool for school and pay over the odds for your booze and cardboard-like all-vegan food, then this is the place for you. As an added bonus there's also the chance that you'll be short changed, abused by the staff and treated like a plague victim if you don't suit their 'image' (an assortment of which is below).

P.S. On a vague and unimportant side-note, the owner actually called our guy back the next day and said that the till was five bucks over so he was right and they were wrong (nya-nya nya nya nya!!). She still had the balls to claim that he didn't handle the situation well and had totally over-reacted!!

You’re absolutely right, he apologises unreservedly. he didn't handle getting money stolen from him, being lied to and insulted very well at all. If he had handled it correctly then he would have dragged the little bastard out into the street and beat the ever-loving shit out of him...i know that's what i would have done.
But i am taking medication to stop those notions....

DUMBARTON ROAD CHARITY SHOP MYSTERY SHOPPER REPORT

2010-06-28T14:17:00.000-07:00

Being a charity shop bargain hunter, I’m often found trawling the West End charity shops for cheap books, movies or the odd item of vintage clothing that takes my fancy but lately in some of the shops a dramatic and frightening change is occurring, one that threatens the very fabric of the universe... Or just pisses me off, it's one of those two anyway.

They've started to think they are somehow cool because they are situated in the West End and this means writing the word 'retro' on absolutely fucking everything and hiking up the prices to ridiculous levels. I'm not saying that it’s all of them of course, some of them have kept to the good old charity shop tradition of sell-cheap-and-sell-fast which, considering that they get the stuff for fuck all and have very limited overheads, would seem like the speediest way to make cash for the charity in question. It’s a damn site better than writing 'retro' on a 10-year-old hardback book and sitting it on your shelf priced up at a fiver. The book is no longer an item of stock once you do that; it’s now a dust collecting ornament that will stay on that shelf until the very end of time...

Rather than giving each shop a full post I’m cutting my charity shop reviews down to one paragraph per shop and doing a street/area at a time. I’m absolutely positive that I can get all my pent-up and misplaced rage out in one paragraph. If I can't I’m going to smash up the next retro thing I see which, according to the Salvation Army at the bottom of Dumbarton Road, covers everything that’s more than 10 years old, or just looks shitty.

SALVATION ARMY (LARGE)

If like me, you love a good book then this shop is, in a word, AWESOME. A huge selection of books rotated daily and all at knockdown prices (59p-79p), masses of vintage clothes, furniture and other tacky goods too numerous to mention. The majority are most probably from a dead person's house but I don't care, this is by far the daddy of all Dumbarton Road charity shops!

The staff are pretty pleasant too but for fuck sake don't go digging in boxes before the books are piled onto the table or they shout at you... Seriously.

BARNARDOS

Pretty much 'blaahhh' really. Neither good nor bad, neither cheap nor expensive, so mundane it kind of slips under the radar. She-devil quite likes it for ladies clothes but unfortunately my dress wearing days are long gone so I kind of miss this one out on my travels. Not bad for teddy bears and glassware for some strange reason.

SENSE IN SCOTLAND

Tacky, cheap and pretty damn good if you ask me. I got a bag of vintage Star Wars toys in here for 4 bucks and got rank rotten drunk off the profit for about 2 weeks! So definitely good for a look if old toys, cheap books or clothing is what you’re after. Would give it a miss for antiques though as anything made of china that looks 'old' gets the Oxfam treatment and shoots up in price whether its valuable or not.

HOSPICE SHOP

Hardly ever opens on time and when it does it tends to have the same stuff in stock week in week out. My last purchase was a DVD of The Gate about a year ago that cost me a mere 50p so the price is right, just a shame the stock very rarely is!

Would say it’s worth a look if you’re passing by as it usually has a good range of vintage furniture, which is about the only stock that changes regularly.

MARIE CURIE CANCER CARE

Pretty much like Barnardo’s actually, with little to either rankle or make me happy... Standard all round, though often smells faintly of pee.

SHELTER

None too shabby. Low prices and a decent stock turnover, especially good for clothes rather than books or music but some of the clothes can be a tad overpriced and some are also damaged... Let the buyer beware!

SALVATION ARMY (SMALL)

Hhhhhmmmmm, strange one this. It's a Salvation Army shop, the same as the one at the opposite end of the road, and yet it’s three times as expensive and noticeably shitter. I'm not even sure 'shitter' is a real word, and if it is then I’m probably not using it right, but this is my blog and I’ll do what I want. So there.

BRITISH RED CROSS

Don't even get me started on these fuckers! The staff are very nice and the shop is well-stocked but get ready to shit yourself when you take a gander at the prices. Second hand trainers and denims are all good makes but £35 for a pair of USED Diesel denims and £20 for a well-worn pair of adidas superstar trainers is far too much. These crazy bastards even have standard hardback books priced up at 6-10 bucks!!

The con is that the books are discounted by 50% when you get to the counter so you think you’re getting a bargain but when they start off so high anyway it’s just ridiculous. Even when discounted its still, on average, 5-8 times more expensive for books than any other shop on Dumbarton Road. Big bunch of arse.

Either get a reality check and adjust your prices or stop smoking crack when you've got the pricing gun out or you'll risk losing all of your customers for good and thus make less cash for your charity than ever before. I for one won’t be back until they do something.

CANCER RESEARCH UK

Another charity shop that does my tits right in. Overpriced books, overpriced vinyls/cd's and overpriced anything that looks even remotely fucking old, whether its reproduction or not. All these guys do with old stuff (and for 'old' I mean literally anything more than ten years old) is write the word 'retro' on the label and double the price. Heads up idiots, old does not necessarily constitute retro!!! My granny is fucking ancient but she's as far from being retro as they come!

Mass produced wooden chess sets are not retro, comics more than five years old are not retro, fucking Revell model cars are not retro! In fact, here’s the link for retro, look it up for fucksake and adjust prices accordingly...

2010-06-18T03:15:00.000-07:00

TONY MACARONI

4-10 Byres Road
Glasgow G11 5JY

FOOD

she-devil got a burger and chips and, although the burger was good, the chips were only half cooked and hard in the middle so i got lumbered with them in the end. I opted for the (baby portion) of mushroom risotto which was surprisingly tasty but hardly suitable for an adult, two for one deals only work if the food portions arent halved guys!
Oh and bringing the food out in giant plates doesnt make the portions look any bigger so don't even try that shit with me.
Overall not very impressed this time round, which is crap really considering the pizza in here is top nosh.

STAFF

we were seated in about three minutes and served within ten so overall service was good but a smile from just one of the staff wouldn't go amiss, your face wont crack you know...well it might, but i'm pretty sure it wont!

GENERAL LOOK / FEEL

If tacky was good then this place would be awesome, but it's not so instead it's just tacky. If you're thinking of opening a rustic style Italian restaurant then filling your shelves with old pots, jugs and jars just wont cut it, after a while it just feels like you're eating your dinner in some mental old hoarders dusty house. The huge television on the wall did mean i could watch the football and ignore the she-devils random babbling though so i guess you gotta take the good with the bad.

CLEANLINESS

no problems in this respect, place was spotless when we were in, and the toilet was just as clean as the restaurant. Now if they only had their cleaners cooking the chips and sorting out the risotto portions this place would be on the right track.

COST

Not too shabby, drink prices were pretty standard for the west end and the 'two for one' menu covers quite a lot although i would check what special offers are running at the time. If you are going for the special menu then i would advise you go for the burger or the pizza which are tasty enough, and portioned for grown ups and not hobbits.
Just make sure you ask for your chips well done if you get the burger though!

MARKS OUT OF 10 7/10

A few dodgy chips and a baby portion of risotto let the side down badly, grumpy staff i can handle as long as the food is good enough to gloss over it, get the finger out guys...I'll be back!