A few days ago, Pat and Jai both became suddenly ill.  Pat was apparently very sick, wobbly and visibly distressed.   Jai just seemed lethargic, which for a dog who shoots electricity from her tail, is noteworthy.

Kelsey took Pat's temperature for me because I look like a conductor wielding an ass baton when it comes to that sort of thing; I just stood there, sort of waving it around the tail region and grimmacing, beer in one hand, tortilla chip and thermometer in the other....looking for divine intervention.  The hand of God to guide me into the Pat's clenched anus.  Kelsey took the thermometer from me and did the thing.  105.3. Normally a shitty radio station that plays hits from the mid-big hair and pleather '80s, now an even MORE alarming thing. 

I rushed Pat to an emergency clinic.

By the time I got Pat to the clinic, Jai wasn't eating and we knew that she, also, had a high temperature, thanks to Kelsey's enthusiasm with a thermometer, or 'Anal Probe' as people in the midwest call it. 

"We don't know that these two things are connected," the useless whore vet told me, "I think we need to do DNA testing and confirm both dogs genetics back to primordial ooze. Then I'll take an MRI of the ooze and bill you for whatever happened before, during, and after the ice age seperately."

I might be paraphrasing. I hated her, though, and her ass face.  She patronized me, barely controlling her eyeroll everytime I spoke.  She hummed through most of what I said,

"Yes, yes...Tests. We need many many many expensive tests. I have a long night ahead of me and so far only cats to spay and an old dog whose teeth need whitening. My technician can do that.  Do not bore me with your details... We will call you with the final talley for my summer vacation costs sometime much later than you think reasonable..."

And so it was.   Xrays revealed that, indeed, Pat has a liver and kidneys and ribs, all where they should be.  Daylight revealed that no fucking way was I leaving him there for their morning "specialist" to apply leeches and a good bleeding.

The medical diagnosis - FUO - (Fever of Unknown Origin) came after Pat spent 16 hours on antibiotic and fluid replacement IV and was subjected to every test the bored night staff could dream up. In the end, it cost me as much as I paid for my MacBook pro, and I used my MacBook pro to confirm how useless the information really was.  They gave me a magnet with the office name and a frowny cartoon dog with my receipt. 

That was yesterday.

Today, Jai is better; Pat no longer has a fever, but he is 'depressed' and won't eat.  Viral is the bottom line consensus of the people whom I respect for free, plus my vet via txting. (She's great and doesn't charge per word!..but sadly doesn't work after 9 at night - she has "a family" ...)

No gastronomic distress; no vomiting, no diarrhea.  Just loss of apetite and a fever. 

Pat isn't as sick as he was day one, but he looks at food sadly, as if to say,

"In some cultures this is vomit, only not as good."

My dogs and I run in the desert.  Many miles per week, nearly every day.  Sometimes they drink from questionable water sources.  This is my best hunch for origin. (or 'O').  No other dogs in our pretty large circle have contracted this, not yet anyway. 

The only thing I can think of to do next is have his teeth whitened.

 

 

 

...Just kidding!

The point of my last post..and Scout's sweet dreams...is that I might be to blame.   That figuring her out, how to communicate successfully with her, is my job.  Like understanding Hitler was Hitler's mother's job. 

I love this dog.

Laura's Weekly TMT:

 

1. Jorgen would like to know what skill would you like to have that you don't currently have?
2. If someone were going to play you in a movie, who do you think it would be?
3. Kelsey wants to know what is a quality that you admire in a dog but would never fit with you?
4. If you had just enough money to pay someone to do one chore for you, what would it be?
5. Are you a procrastinator, a doitnower (I made that word up), or something in between?

Sometimes I wish I could sing and not have it sound like I was choking on a magpie. 

Scout would play me in a movie.  It would be an artsy film, My Kibble with Katy.  The part of me played by Scout with a supporting role played by Pat, who, aside from staring at me (Scout) while I (she) do(es) not eat her kibble, guarding it dourly, bravely, instead... would be licking his balls.  It says so much! There would also be an action sequel called Act of Glower as dinner stretched into breakfast and more dogs,  plus some squirrels, started eyeing the still full dish.

Kelsey doesn't really want to know that.  She wants to know if I ate all the dried apples she left at Greenleaf in a gallon sized ziplock or whether I'm still guarding them. Yes.

I tried hiring housecleaners years ago, but ended up feeling bad about having some other poorer women clean up my shit so...slowly our relationship evolved into me serving them snacks and giving them things, like my clothes dryer, while they sat at my kitchen table and smoked.  My house actually got DIRTIER during this period.  Now I pay some dudes to mow my lawn. I bring them ice cold beer and offer to wash their trucks.  They don't speak english so they assume the worst and won't let me near them with a sponge. I should pay them more.

I am in between alright.

 

From Laura at C&C

 

1. Julie would like to know one frugal tip this week.

Once you start referring to your neighbor's cat as a 'chinese chicken' it is easier to eat.  Meat is one of the most expensive grocery items, next to good beer or wine.  You have to start cutting costs somewhere if you want to keep drinking.  If I'm going to be eating cat meat, I'll want to chase it with something stronger than mountain dew. And by 'mountain dew' I mean twice run coors light.

2. What are you reading this week?

Today I am reading Train Dreams, by Denis Johnson and obsessively the news online.

3. Barbara wants to know: do you hit the snooze button on the alarm clock, and if so how many times?

I think I might have answered this ...but I can't remember.  I don't have an alarm clock.  I have dogs that dance on my sweet breads around sunrise.  There is no snooze alarm, I've tried.  All the slapping at 'buttons' seems to only encite them more.

4. If you had to travel in a sedan (or if you already drive a sedan type car) and you had five or six dogs, how would you handle it?

I'd bitch incessantly and probably tailgate those assholes who drive alone in their 6 bedroom 3 bath Ford Apocolypse SUV, without the S or the U, 3 miles to drive-thru a coffee hut, where they purchase some appalling 'skinny' double shot decaf whipped cream coffee beverage and pay with a credit card. Assportals, for sure. But that's no different from what I do anyway.  Driving a sedan full of 5 dogs isn't tragic, just inconvenient.  What's tragic is how little meat there is on a chinese chicken wing.

5. How much do you filter what you put on your own blog?

Really?  Depends on the blog. And what one means by 'filter'...

From BarJor:

1. What's a song you like that everyone would be surprised about?

I don't know about a particular song, but people are alway surprised and revolted by my love of Cypress Hill.

2. Who's your hero (non sports related)?

I don't know about HERO, because that sounds like I have a Carlos' Mom vanity plate, but I would say that my son right now is one of the greatest people I have ever known...and his sister is another, though she can't do any pushups and perpetually steals my clothing.  I should buy a Cienna's Mom t-shirt.

3. Do you hit the snooze button on the alarm clock, how many times?

I don't know about alarm clock, but something goes off every morning about 6. Jai and Scout start hinting about breakfast by jumping on and off the bed and licking (or in Scout's case, presenting her grisely grinning visage close enough to my face that I can hear her amygdala ticking) and Pat stands at the side of the bed staring at me. There is no sleeping through that.  Do they have snooze buttons? I'll fish around tomorrow morning and see what I find....

4. Name ONE run (agility, herding, etc) from someone else that inspired you and why?

I don't know about INSPIRATION, though now I always wear a belt to the post....

There have been a few especially beautiful runs, but I think one of my all time favorites, that for a long time I couldn't recount without tearing up and feeling like a cheesehead, happened at Lacamas a few years ago with P*trick running Andi. She was very young and he hadn't run her in open for long.  He hadn't expected to get into the double lift finals with her and so hadn't really worked on a look back.  He ended up qualifying to run her.  It wasn't a winning run, by a long shot, but after her first outrun, lift and fetch...when he told her to LOOK BACK and she stood mid field, looking from him to the sheep she'd already gathered...to the Great Come By Beyond which he was seemingly telling her to revisit... she spent this period of time trying to figure out what he meant, what he wanted - - and he articulated it so smoothly, calmly encouraging her, telling her to look back.  Finally, that moment when she tentatively ran far enough out to see the second set of sheep...was really beautiful and for me profound. 

Another time someone lost their pants at the post and I think that's pretty fucking inspirational, too, though I wasn't there to see it.  The story lives on.

5. What's the last book you read?

I'm currently reading The Anthologist, by Nicholson Baker.  Previous to this I was reading The Finishing School by Dick Couch. 

From Willow's Rest:

What are some tips on living frugally?

Squirrels are edible!

Laura asks:

1. What is one lesson you've learned this week?

On Saturday I worked Jai at P*tricks.  The sheep we were working were so new that they still had that new ewe smell (Not really. I never got close enough, but they did not have that world weary attitude that says The Ram Got to Go To The Onions And All I Got Was This Lousy T-Post).

P*trick said these new fresh sheep would be especially prone to flight and that the draw would be very hard to the away side.  He suggested it would be best if we kept our dogs from overflanking and attempting to control the sheep with their physical pressure, which the sheep would continue to fight, and instead we should make them use their eye which the sheep would respect.  We should do this by keeping the dogs more at 10:30 - 11:00, instead of 9. 

I want to just pause here for a moment and say that this analogy will not continue to be relevant in the age of digital clocks.  But for now, seemingly, I understood. I certainly nodded.  

Then I sent Jai, who did a nice outrun, decent lift...then floated erratically between 9 and 2...as if she were a long government lunch.  I kept trying to decide where 10:30 was with a moving clock.  I wished we could use a kitchen timer instead that would make a sound on either side.

I tend to get hung up on technicalities like this.  I wasn't really watching my dog, and certainly not the livestock...I was just sort of sucked into that clock metaphor.

"You need to correct her every time she turns away from the sheep," P*trick told me. 

By concentrating on THE WRONG THING, once again, I was way off.  As soon as I started correcting her for turning away, which made her flank too wide, she was in the right place.  It was that easy.  Pretty much.

The thing I learned isn't new.  I'm sure I should have known that when she was turning away, she was out of contact and that was the moment that was more important than a rough clock reference, but I was focused on the WRONG THING, again.  I wanted it to be a technical solution. Again. A + B = C.  It was more fluid than that and also much easier. 

2. Who or what might you have been in another life? What might you be in a next life?

I was a clock. For sure.  Next life - back to being a clock.  I didn't learn shit the last time around.

3. What unusual things do you like the smell of but don't usually admit?

Really? Hmmmm....dog feet. I can't think of anything else.  I'd admit to almost anything.  Look at me all facing up to being a timepiece last time around when most people think they were Joan of Arc or Cleofuckingpatra.

4. What are your thoughts on continuing on vs. retiring when a trial run is going badly? How do you decide? Where do you draw the line?

I used to freak out with Pat and walk as soon as the he wouldn't take a LIEYOURBLACKASSDOWN!...but that was earlier on when my entire run, each and every run, filled me with panic and the need to pee.   Now I have relaxed some and will only walk if I or my dog can't learn something or get some positive experience out of staying on the field.  I don't know if I can REALLY say that I trust my judgement here...but I'm more likely to error on the side of staying than retiring.  At this point. 

5. This is a call for questions or subjects you'd like to talk about - I'd appreciate suggestions (and please come link up so that I'll be sure to see your post), so here's your chance!

I will work on this one.

Laura from C&C asks:

1. Stopping your dog - what do you prefer? On their feet? On their belly? Some combination?
Pat needs to lie his black ass down.  No compromise. He needs to hit the ground.  Jai self-stops, often too much, so I am working on a Stand with her.  I think just a slight pause on her feet would serve us better.  It would encourage flow and discourage the laying and staring option, something she often employs; feels more comfortable with in tricky situations that eventually often lead to a thorough Trial Thanking.

2. At what point do you start teaching this?
I like to think that, optimally, you start teaching a skill you need as you need it.  But, then, I like to think that this newish fleece pullover I bought is really cute and stylish though my daughter assures me that it actually looks like something that a bear would shit out after eating a movie's worth of muppets.  Anyway, as far as training and DOGS go - I haven't trained a dog from SCRATCH, so to speak, and both my dogs understand what Stop means, but it needs to mean something slightly different, depending on the dog and situation.  It's like Snow in Eskimo and WTF in my refrigerator.

3. Do you have a favorite dog? I won't tell.
Not really. I love all my dogs, but I think I'm especially drawn to Scout because she's such an odd little thing.  She asks for nothing and gives almost nothing in return.  I cannot understand her at all; what motivates her, what makes her happy...where all the Scoutrage comes from. 

Jai is a joyfilled dog and you can't NOT be happy around her.  She loves everyone and everything...except my daughter and Scout's barking. I love the way Jai snuggles up to me in her quiet moments and I love the way Jai vibrates with pent up energy and enthusiasm any other time.  She is a 0 to 99 MPH dog.

Pat is a sweet, goofy ole perv with a lot of talent and a heart as big as his floppy feet.  He is my soul mate. (Or a hamster is, who can say?)

LIkewise my other dogs have similar endearing qualities...but these are the 3 dogs with whom I am closest.  Each one is my favorite, depending on my day and my mood.

4. What is the #1 thing a dog can do to push your buttons?
Bark.  Or bite me while I try to move not quite fast enough.  Scout likes to rush and bite my ankles during our walks/runs.  I have tried EVERY POSSIBLE THING to get this to stop and NOTHING changes this behavior.  I hate it and it makes me yell and rush her, or shake her by her collar and say NOGODDAMNITNOFUCKINGNONONONO... and she barks and does it more.  LIttle Fucker.

5. Brrrrr... it's winter. What is your favorite soup recipe?
Green Chili Stew.  Main ingredients are pork, roasted green chilis of desired spiciness, potatoes, onion...seasonings to taste.  Simmer a long time for best flavor.

It's Shark Week* for Jai...which means that she'll be In the Kitchen next week. No running Pat at The Big Tease. He'll be crazed with lust.
He'll be peeing himself, mad for The Hump That Wasn't.  Poor ole guy.  My leg 2 years ago was the last time he made a Love Connection. 

Jai, meanwhile, has gotten Kate Moss thin and is shedding her coat as if it were last years fashion. As if she has a new one on order from Neiman Barkus. Maybe.

New Question: What's an odd behavior that you believe to be fairly unique to your dog? For me it's Jai's weird habit of staring in at us from outside through the big picture window on the patio.  She does this for HOURS as if she's watching one of her favorite shows: Us sitting around watching television.  It's on THREE or FOUR times a WEEK!! The other dogs lay on floors and couches, snoozing.  Jai stands outside looking in,  big ears alert to what might happen next - I might get up and retrieve another beer, Carlos might check his email.  She looks from me on my chair to my son on the loveseat, to Zeke Finley sleeping on the floor...Jen on the futon... Sometimes she runs in to see if its as real inside as it appears to be from outside, through the glass.  We're just not as interesting in person.

She only does this in Boise.  In Greenleaf she is in the house with me and Pat and Scout, laying around, chewing bones, acting normally. For the most part.

 

 

*Bleeding the fuck all over my furniture

**Wants to put Something in the Oven

***Ain't Happening