SocialWrkr24/7 : Eyes Opened Wider

OAB Interview Day!! Meet Ashley...

2013-11-19T07:30:00.000-06:00

Oh how I love Open Adoption Bloggers - especially the Adoption Interview Project.

I loved getting to know Ashley through her website and her blog. I especially respected that she is willing to "to there" on some of the really difficult aspects of adoption. I was very impressed that she has taken a hard time in her life (placing her son for adoption) and decided to do what she could to not only help herself, but to help others. So, she created a non-profit organization that helps birth mothers feel honored, respected and supported. Please take some time to read through her questions and then go check out her blog to get to know her better!

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Q: I sense a theme in a few of your recent posts that you don't want to be "labeled" or stuck in a particular pro/anti adoption corner. How would you describe your current thoughts and feelings about adoption as a whole and how has that changed since you placed your child in 2006?

A: I am a believer in CHOICE and I do not believe that what is right for one is right for another. I also know that once a choice is made, no matter the justifications of that choice, it doesn't always go down as smooth as another. I believe in respect and support no matter the path. So many want to "fight" their side and I can't do that. Their pain is real, whether on the adoptive side or the birth parent side or the adoptee side! Because I am a birth mom I feel that it is my job to show at least respect for another birth mom because I know how real their pain is. Adoption has changed so much, even since the 7.5 short years ago that I placed. People that are grieving adoption 20 years ago are in a totally different "generation of adoption". We have to take each case as it comes, it is all so different and each story is SO unique even if the end result is the same.

Q: If you could only tell ONE thing to each part of the "adoption triad", what would they be?

A: To the Birth Parent: when the choice is made and the papers are signed there is no going back. Find acceptance in your story. I truly believe that is the first stage in your healing. Acceptance. Once you can own your story and what has happened then you can start to put the pieces back together. You can't go back...so you really have two options-remain stuck in pain and grief or find a way to move forward and build a "Life after placement".

To the Adoptive Parents: Your journey is so sad and painful to me. There is great jealousy that can come from an adoptive mother to a birth mother because we can bare children. It is not our fault. We are not trying to hurt you. Please know that there is truly no way that you can repay to price that has been paid to you when you receive a child...but we shouldn't ask you to. We chose adoption and that is not your fault. You don't need to be afraid of us. We pray that you will keep your integrity with any open adoption promises that you make BUT please remember and this is the most important- YOU ARE THE PARENT. We chose you and expect you to do what you believe is the very best for the child, just as we did when we were the parent. Take that child as your own and don't look back. It is not your responsibility to "fix us" or "heal us". We have to get there on our own.

To the Adoptee: I know that one of the biggest fears as a birth mom is the possible resentment that will come from you as you get older and start to understand. I pray for two things-1. that your parents talk about me and your being adopted with the upmost respect and love so that you know that it is sacred and special! and 2-that is nothing else, you will be able to be grateful for the life-the very breath that you are breathing and will be able to move on from that. I can't speak for every birth mother but I have worked with hundreds and hundreds of them...and love WAS not the missing piece in their decision. That was the driving force so find peace in that.

Q: I love your organization, "Blessings in a Basket". What has been the most rewarding part of working along side other mothers who are making this choice?

A: It has been the most humbling experience of my life and I truly believe that this is my mission in life. There is great power in a community that is based on a common foundation and these women, a Big Tough Girl™ as we like to call them, have lifted each other up more than I ever imagined. We learn and heal so much from each other and our unique experiences and strengths. I am the lucky one to be able to know these women, to love these women, to serve these women.

Q: What has been the most difficult part of being so involved in other's experiences?

A: There is great pain in this work. It is never easy and it certainly is not always bright and shiny. We deal daily with guilt and shame, regret and anger, pain and loss. I relive some of those things almost daily as I work with these women. But I never believe that we are ever "done" healing...and I am just peeling back the layers of my own journey and it is because of this work that I get to go deeper into that. Making me stronger on the other side.

Q: A non adoption question! (Because we all need a little perspective in life.) What is the thing you are most passionate about in life that has NOTHING to do with adoption?

A: I have a firm foundation of God and I have great faith in my Savior's Atonement. I have to believe that regardless of the things that I have done, choices that I have made that there is eternal salvation waiting for me. If not my shame and guilt would eat me alive. Family is EVERYTHING. As my dad always says "There is family and the rest are just strangers". I am lucky enough to have my family grow beyond blood. My husband is my "Amazing Grace". I know without a doubt in my soul that he is the reason that I am here, doing the work that I am doing. I love him, I serve him and it is reciprocated far more than what is received.

And above all- I believe that "Where much is given, much is required"...and my dear friends, believe me when I say I have been given much!!!

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Thank you Ashley!

What I Did Over Summer Vacation

2013-10-26T23:57:00.000-05:00

Well, I guess should say "what I did NOT do"... which was any blogging!

But that is all about to change, I promise!

No kiddos have been placed here yet - but I have had a couple of respite/voluntary placements. One stayed longer than expected and was just the sweetest thing ever. More about him later...

What I did do over the summer is start a photography business though - and that has kept me INSANELY busy. I haven't quit my day job, but I'm hoping that someday I might be able to work more "from home" and be my own boss. This summer and fall have been very successful for a newbie. We will see if next year is as steady or if I just had beginner's luck.

One exciting thing that I want to tell you about is my new monthly contribution to Open Adoption Bloggers!! I will be writing about my experiences from both my social worker and foster parent experiences. My series is called "Two Perspectives / One Path" and my first post went up a few weeks ago - check it out here!

So, I apologize for the long pause between posts but will be back soon! Thanks for always hanging in here with me!

Outraged for Veronica

2013-07-18T22:20:00.000-05:00

Now two women came to King Solomon and stood before him. One of them said, “Pardon me, my lord. This woman and I live in the same house, and I had a baby while she was there with me. The third day after my child was born, this woman also had a baby. We were alone; there was no one in the house but the two of us.During the night this woman’s son died because she lay on him. So she got up in the middle of the night and took my son from my side while I your servant was asleep. She put him by her breast and put her dead son by my breast. The next morning, I got up to nurse my son—and he was dead! But when I looked at him closely in the morning light, I saw that it wasn’t the son I had borne.”

The other woman said, “No! The living one is my son; the dead one is yours.”

But the first one insisted, “No! The dead one is yours; the living one is mine.” And so they argued before the king.

The king said, “This one says, ‘My son is alive and your son is dead,’ while that one says, ‘No! Your son is dead and mine is alive.’”Then the king said, “Bring me a sword.” So they brought a sword for the king. He then gave an order: “Cut the living child in two and give half to one and half to the other.”

The woman whose son was alive was deeply moved out of love for her son and said to the king, “Please, my lord, give her the living baby! Don’t kill him!” But the other said, “Neither I nor you shall have him. Cut him in two!”

Then the king gave his ruling: “Give the living baby to the first woman. Do not kill him; she is his mother.”

1 Kings 3:16-28

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Today, as I sat in a store biding my time for my car to be fixed, I happened to find out about the most recent ruling on the "Baby Veronica" case. If you are a part of the adoption ethics world at all, you probably already know about the case. But here is the short(ish) version if you haven't heard it already:

Christy Maldonado became pregnant in the winter of 2009, while engaged to the child's father Dusten Brown. He immediately insisted that they should get married, but she resisted and eventually broke off their engagement. Throughout the course of the next few months, she withdrew contact and their relationship became estranged. At some point, prior to the baby's birth, she demanded that he either give up his rights or pay child support. In a TEXT, Brown stated that he would rather give up his rights.

Fast forward a few more months, "Baby Veronica" is born and placed with the Capobiancos, a couple that Maldonado has chosen to adopt her baby girl. Brown is not immediately notified, but because Brown is identified as a member of a Native American tribe, Maldonado's attorney attempts to notify the tribe of the impending adoption as required by ICWA. But his name is misspelled in the paperwork, therefore there was no record of him and the tribe was not made aware of the impending adoption.

When Veronica is four months old, Brown is served with paperwork to surrender his parental rights. Believing that he is signing them over to Maldonado, he agrees. The next day, he realizes his error and begins the appeal process.

(In my opinion, the case should have ended there and Veronica should have been immediately returned to her father.)

Unfortunately, he is slated to leave for Iraq the next week. A stay in the adoption is granted and the case could not be heard for a year due to Brown being out of country.

In 2011, when Veronica is slightly over a year old, the case is heard in court and the Cherokee Nation intervenes to deny the adoption. The court ruled in December of 2011 that the Capobiancos would not be granted the adoption and that Veronica should be returned to her father. The Capobiancos appealed to the state Supreme Court but in July 2012, that ruling was upheld and they were forced to release the 27 month old girl to Brown.

(Again, this should have been the end.)

But it didn't end there. The Capobiancos appealed to the US Supreme Court, citing that ICWA should not have applied to Brown. On June 25th, 2013, the SCOTUS ruled that ICWA did not apply in the case but did not issue any ruling or recommendation on Veronica's placement. That was sent back to the state Supreme Court.

The state Supreme Court could have ruled to send it back to Family Court, but instead decided to rule. Because ICWA was the foundation of the original ruling that caused the Capobiancos' adoption petition to be thrown out, the state Supreme Court decided to effectively turn back the clock and act as if that never happened. Thus, on July 17, 2013, it was determined that Veronica should be returned to the Capobiancos.

She has lived with her father for the past 18 months...she is now nearly four years old.

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Here is where I try to stay sane and reasonable, but will probably fail. I should start by admitting my biases. I believe that domestic infant adoption as a whole has some very serious flaws in its process. Especially the part of the process that allows states to have their own rules and procedures for how fathers assert their rights. I think it is downright unethical that ANYONE would try to adopt a child without doing everything in their power to ensure that neither biological parent wants to raise that baby. I think it is absolutely abhorrent that many lawyers and social workers will advise prospective adoptive parents to hold their breath and bide their time, hoping to run out the clock on the time that parents have to contest adoptions, instead of encouraging them to hunt down fathers and request their blessing on the adoption. I think the courts should ALWAYS have to prove that neither parent is fit, willing or able to care for a child before they terminate a parent's rights. Bottom line.

So here are my major beefs with this particular case:

1. The fact that almost every single article I have read about it refers to the Capobiancos as Veronica's "adoptive parents". THEY ARE NOT. The adoption was never granted. This is the same type of subliminally coercive language as calling a mother a "birth mother" prior to her rights being terminated. It is wrong. And it is not merely semantics. Too many people will hear about this case without looking into it further and it gives all adoption a bad name when prospective adoptive parents assert ownership over a child before it is legally granted. It is exactly cases like this that stir up fear about children being "taken back" by birth parents. And it makes me feel defeated and resentful that I may ever be lumped into the same category as people who would fight to keep a child away from a parent who is fit, willing, and able to care for them.

2. GIVING UP ONE'S RIGHTS IS NOT SOMETHING THAT CAN BE DONE VIA TEXT MESSAGE. I don't know about you, but I've said some pretty dumb things in texts when I'm angry. In fact, I have one friend who I've made a pact with that we should never text when we disagree about anything, even if its just dinner. Texts are not legally binding documents, thank goodness. And yes, Brown did later sign actual legal paperwork to surrender his rights. But it is pretty clear that he believed he was signing them over to his ex-girlfriend and tried to intercept the paperwork within 24 hours when he realized the true content of the documents. I know, I know - read before you sign anything! But still, is this really a situation where we should be following the letter of the law? No, adoption should be a situation where the spirit of the law is of utmost importance. And the spirit of adoption is to find loving homes for children whose parents are unfit, unwilling or unable to raise them. This is not the case for Veronica.

3. One of the major mistakes that Brown made, which allowed the SCOTUS to determine that he was never Veronica's parent in the eyes of the law, was that he did not provide financially for her mother during pregnancy or for the baby in the four months after she was born. I'm sorry, but it is made clear in court documents that Maldonado cut off communication with Brown. So, what was he supposed to do? Just keep sending diapers to her doorstep? How is one supposed to force another person to allow them to accept money or material things? And yes, he did say that he would rather relinquish his rights than pay child support. That was a very dumb thing for him to say. But again, see #2. We all say and do dumb things when we are hurt and angry. Maldonado had broken off their engagement and cut him out of her life. And Brown was getting ready to deploy to a WAR ZONE for heaven's sake. It wasn't his finest moment, but I can understand him making a decision that he probably thought he could address again once he returned from Iraq. Perhaps he believed that they might get back together again? Or maybe he just thought Maldonado was a good mother and wasn't worried about being able to establish a relationship with his daughter in the future? I don't know, but again, I don't believe that one dumb decision should be the deciding factor here.

4. I firmly believe that whenever a prospective adoptive parent is notified that there is a biological parent who wants to raise their child, the prospective adoptive parent should immediately hand that baby over. I understand many things about bonding and attachment, and I am not unsympathetic to the grief that the prospective adoptive parent will experience. But as I've stated above, adoption is about finding families for children whose parents are not fit, willing or able to care for them.

5. Now, had you talked to me back in 2011 when the original court case was being heard, I would have felt more conflicted. Ultimately, I would have agreed that Veronica should be returned to her father. But I would have insisted on a thoughtful transition that would have included gradually increasing visitation. Yes, it would have been hard on Veronica. But having seen MANY successful transitions of children back to their biological parents after 12-24 months in care (yes, children in care since birth) would have convinced me that it could be done without causing lasting damage. I know it is hard for people outside of child welfare to comprehend. I hear it all the time, "But these are the ONLY parents s/he has known!" And I understand that disrupting a child's attachment it is not to be taken lightly. But one transition in caregivers, if done thoughtfully and with sensitivity, will not ruin a child for life. If that was the case, no adoption except for those done at birth would ever be successful. The truth is that "healthy attachment begets healthy attachment". If a child is healthily attached to one set of caregivers, they can quite easily transfer that attachment to another set of appropriate caregivers. Attachments disorders are caused by multiple transitions and usually combined with unhealthy relationships with caregivers who do not meet the child's needs. Veronica would have transitioned just fine if everyone had been committed to her best interests and committed to maintaining important relationships in her young life. But sadly, that did not happen.

6. Don't even get me started on the way the SCOTUS butchered the Indian Child Welfare Act. The least of which was a bunch of non-Indians thinking that they could decide whether or not Veronica was "Indian enough" for ICWA to apply. Add into that, the notion that only "custodial" parents could invoke ICWA is crazy. So, as long as prospective adopters take the child from the hospital, the are the only custodial parents and no one else can ever invoke ICWA?

7. After I heard about the SCOTUS ruling, I was upset but mostly at the principle of it all. I never once thought any court would return Veronica to the Capobiancos. It would remove her from her father, who from all reports is doing a fine job of providing for her and raising her. But I was more certain because I can't imagine any professional would declare it in her best interests. Doing so would disrupt her attachment all over again. And while a two year old is somewhat blissfully unaware and has a fairly short memory, a four year old is in a much different place developmentally. Old enough to anticipate, old enough to remember her life with her father, old enough to have an opinion. And the fact that the state Supreme court didn't even bother to take any of that into consideration is just outrageous. It wouldn't have "delayed" things that long - a good bonding assessment can be done in just a couple months. But they didn't even bother. They acted as if time has stood still for Veronica - as if the last 18 months of forgetting her old life and bonding with her father didn't happen. And I'm willing to bet the Capobiancos feel the same way. Which brings me to #8

8. I have run out of sympathy for the Capobiancos. Their continued pursuit of this child shows that they do not have her best interest at heart. They have their best interests at heart - they believe that they should win. They believe that because THEY love HER, and have an ongoing bond to the beautiful little girl they brought home from the hospital, she must feel the same way. This is wrong folks. Veronica likely does not remember them at all, since she has had no contact with them for almost two years. And even if one wants to argue that it is the "same" as what Brown did by letting her be removed from them in 2011, I would say what my mother taught me when I was about Veronica's age.

"Two wrongs don't make a right."

And that is what this case boils down to right now. It doesn't matter who did what to who, who paid what, or who signed what and when. The bottom line is that we must look at where we are RIGHT NOW. Veronica is four years old. The only working memories she has is of her life with her father. From all accounts (and lack of DCFS investigations) he has been successfully supporting her financially, putting a roof over her head, clothes on her body, food in her belly, and nurturing her as a father should. In whose right mind would anyone say that a four year old should be taken away from "the only family she knows" and sent to live with people she doesn't remember? I look at my four year old Goddaughter and think about how much I love her. I do love her. So much it hurts sometimes. And when she is with me, we have wonderful times. But when I jokingly ask her if she wants to come live with me? Her response is without hesitation, "No! I can't! My mommy and daddy would miss me!"

Adoption is not about who has the "right" to be a parent. It is not about who can be the better parent. It is not about who paid for more prenatal care, who can give them a better life, or who had them first.

Adoption is about finding a family for a child who needs one.

And Veronica does not need one.

Foster Fridays

2013-06-14T12:00:00.000-05:00

I'm not blogging here today!

I am over at

I Must Be Trippin'!

for her Foster Fridays panel.

Come check out my contribution as we discuss how we handle the first night with new placements. I can't wait to read other thoughts on how to get off on the right foot with new kiddos. I'm always looking for ideas!

Heart Transplant

2013-05-31T06:00:00.000-05:00

That is what I have often compared waiting for a foster placement to...

Waiting for a heart transplant.

I know I've talked about how much I dislike the waiting...

And about how I've spent my time obsessively planning...

But also, I've been thinking about what a a double edged sword this waiting is really.

I am excited to be a foster parent. I won't apologize for that fact. I'm excited to be a parent - its a role I've wanted to have since I was very young. I never really wanted a career, I became a social worker because I loved kids, and I've grown to love it. But being a mom was always my first choice.

But life hasn't played out the way I thought it would. And although I could try to get pregnant and have biological children, becoming a foster parent just seemed like the right choice for me for now.

I'm ready to be a parent - even if it is temporary.

But as excited as I am, and as much as I want my phone to ring, there is a part of me that realizes that in order for my dream to come true...something very bad has to happen.

Kinda like waiting for a heart transplant, no?

Somewhere out there, maybe not even born yet, is a child that will eventually live with me. But in order for that child to come into my life, something very sad must happen to them. Their family will have some kind of crisis. Abuse or neglect will touch this child. I believe all parents love their children. This child's parents love him or her. They had hopes, dreams and plans for how they were going to parent their child. And those plans are not going to have worked out the way they expected.

This child will lose their family when they come to me.

And no matter how many plans I have made and how excited I am - that is the reality.

In all the plans I've made, I also have plans about how to handle this double edged sword. I hope to have a relationship with my foster child's parents. I've said I will supervise visits and will give them my phone number. I certainly hope everything goes along with my plans. (Knowing foster care, it probably will throw me a few curveballs!)

But when I pray at night, I don't just pray for the child that will come to my home. I pray for their whole family. I pray that, even though things are not good right now, that they will try to protect their child as much as they can. I pray that the right people will intervene before things get too bad. I pray that when the time comes, I can provide the family with some reassurance that I care about all of them, not just the child.

And then I go back to waiting...

Preparations: Part 2

2013-05-29T06:00:00.000-05:00

Once I finished training, before I was actually licensed, I got to work prepping my house for a kid (or two) to live in it. This was by far the more fun part! I started by having the spare room painted and decorated. I picked a color and decorations that could easily go for either a boy or girl.

After I decorated the room, I had to think long and hard about what kind of baby/kid equipment I should get now and what should wait until I know the age of the child. On one hand, I wanted to be prepared and be able to budget for things. Waiting until I had a placement would mean having to buy a lot of things at once if I ended up with a baby. Preschoolers need less in the realm of "equipment" but their clothes and toys usually cost more.

So, here is what I decided in general -

Baby Stuff - I have a bouncy seat, an infant bathtub, and a pack n play. I also have about six bottles (2 different kinds) and some extra nipples with different flows. I have a few pacifiers and a handful of bibs. I decided not to buy a crib or a high chair because they take up a lot of space, cost a lot of money, and I didn't want to look at an empty crib. (Its somehow sadder than the empty twin bed that I already had in that room.) And I didn't buy a changing table because I already had a long dresser that can double as a changing table if needed. I'll only have to buy a changing pad if I get a baby. If I get a toddler, I will probably just change them on the bed. Its worked for all my Temporary kiddos!

Kid Stuff - I already have a twin bed and an extra mattress that can "trundle" underneath it. If I got two kids that needed beds, one could sleep on that extra mattress for one or two nights until I bought another bed frame. I have a small booster seat that can sit at my table. I've got toys - lots of toddler toys and a few preschool toys. I figure that anyone over the age of three is going to have their own opinions about what kind of toys they like, so I am reluctant to buy many. I do have a few outside toys that are more preschool friendly. Plus, I live within short walking distance to a very nice big playground. So, that should keep any older kids occupied until I can procure some kid-specific toys.

Then came the issue of clothes.

At first, I had just a few outfits of varying sizes. A friend of a friend had sent me a good donation of girls' clothes in various sizes. But the longer I waited for the phone to ring, the more I felt like I needed to be more prepared. And since I refused to let myself buy more equipment and tried to resist buying more toys, I had to get creative.

One night while I was playing around on Facebook, I found a local "Mom Swap" page. I requested to join and perused the posts offering used baby clothes, strollers, etc. Then I got a brilliant idea. I posted a quick ISO (In Search Of) explaining that I had just become licensed as a foster parent and was looking for donations of clothes to prepare for a child.

I was overwhelmed with the generosity.

Within about two hours, I had to comment and tell people that I was overwhelmed and put a halt to donations. For the next week I stopped by one or two houses a night and picked up bags of free clothes, shoes, and the occasional random item. Here is what I ended up with:

After it was all sorted, checked for stains, and organized into bins, here is about three fourths of what I received...

SEVEN bins full of clothes - with about three more not in the picture. And here is the "kid room" as it stands today...

Now, all I need is a kid to put in it!

Preparations: Part 1

2013-05-27T06:00:00.000-05:00

Once I decided that I was going to become a foster parent, I set to work preparing for a child in my life. Throughout the licensing process i discovered that there was WAY more to making space in my life than just clearing out a room.

About halfway through PRIDE training I began compiling lists -

Lists of daycares
Lists of babysitters
Lists of emergency contacts

And I began compiling a master list of things that I needed to buy or borrow -

Toys
Books
Carseat
Bed
Baby supplies

The first lists turned out to be the easiest to fulfill - mostly because with the second list, I had to decide what to get now and what should wait until I knew what age/gender child was placed with me. But the first list was easy - practically everyone I know is on at least one of them.

Daycares:

I started by just googling and Yelp-ing "daycares" and my area code. After copying those down, I realized that I didn't like the idea of my foster child being 30-45 minutes away from me. I don't live far from work, only 15-20 minutes in the morning, but the evening traffic is always terrible. Add into that equation that I live in a place where snow happens, and I decided to increase my search area. So, I included my work area and a few of the areas along my commute route. This wouldn't solve all my worries since I am often out all over the city for my job, but it is the best I can do. Which brought me to...

Emergency contacts:

This was a little bit harder, not because I had any lack of people who would mind babysitting, but because I had to think rationally about who was most available. I started with thinking about who could pick up my child if I had a work emergency and couldn't get to my child. That turned out to be pretty simple in the end. I asked a couple of my coworkers actually - they would be physically close to daycare if my child needed to be picked up and they are already all background checked! Win/win.

Then I had to figure out who I would call if I was actually unable to care for my foster child - a true emergency. This was a little trickier because most of my friends have children of their own - little ones - and so its not as easy for them to drop everything or take on another little one. But I asked two of my closest friends if they would be willing - they both said yes without reservation. But I also have a few people on this list that are single and child-free that could come stay with me if I was just really sick and needed an extra pair of hands.

Babysitters:

This one was the easiest actually. I've got a few co-workers who babysit regularly. They are both on my babysitter list, as well as one of my best friends who is married but doesn't have kids yet. Part of the reason this list was easy though is that I don't anticipate using any babysitters for a while. I know I might regret or rethink that notion once a child is here, but I really want to focus on attachment in the beginning. And kiddo will already be in daycare for 8 hours a day which will give me a break from constant caregiving. So, in the beginning, I don't think I'll be using sitters very often at all.

So, all in all, I presented my licensing worker with the names, birthdates, and social security number of about 15 people. Which made her look at me like I'd lost my mind. Apparently I was a little bit on the over-achieving side of things.

It wasn't the only time I took a turn into crazyville... just wait until Part 2.

Waiting Game

2013-05-24T06:00:00.000-05:00

So, being patient is one of those things I have always prided myself on. I don't mind waiting in lines, I enjoy walking at the pace of toddlers, and I'm a social worker for heaven sake! Patience is my thing.

Until I became a licensed foster parent.

Then I became a neurotic, phone watching, craigslist stalking, toy buying, room rearranging, clothes hoarding, luntatic.

Seriously, when I write my "planning" post and include pictures - you will see.

But really, waiting for this phone call has stretched me to my limits of patience. As soon as my license came in the mail I got a million stories from other foster parents whose phone rang within days or weeks of getting licensed. My own licensing worker joked that I might get a call before the paper even came in the mail. So, once it was in my hands (and on my refridgerator) I began excitedly watching my phone.

After the first few days, I had a stern talk with myself.

I reminded myself that this was all part of the process and that I needed to calm down or I'd end up with high blood pressure before I ended up with a child. So, I slowly stopped watching the phone (and thus didn't have to talk to as many telemarketers since I wasn't answering every single number without looking to see who was calling).

A few weeks later, I was faced with a big decision...

Going out of town.

Who knew that taking a three day weekend could cause such a litany of woes?

In the end, I went out of town. I reminded myself that I couldn't put my life on hold, that I could still answer my phone, and most importantly I was only going 4 hours away.

Over the next couple months I got mostly back to normal. I still anxiously watched my phone sometimes. I still debated making future vacation plans. I still occasionally stood in the doorway of my empty "kid" room and wondered who would fill it.

But mostly, life went on like normal.

Then a couple of things happened that sent me back into a tailspin. First, it was a few significant days - not holidays per se - just significant dates that I had pictured sharing with a child this year. That caused me to throw myself a pity party. I wallowed for a few days - even called a good friend and shed some tears. I eventually reminded myself that this was actually a very BAD time for them to call. My worker was just about to go on leave and would be gone for 6-8 weeks. I certainly wouldn't be able to take any time off and was going to be very busy.

So, once again I tried to go back to patiently waiting. Looking on the bright side. Sleeping in on the weekends. Enjoying my free time.

But as the weeks crept by and it got closer to my worker's return, I experienced what can only be described as "nesting". The uncontrolable need to rearrange all the furniture in my house, clean out all my closet and BUY ALL THE THINGS.

Which pretty much brings you up to today. I've saved all my vacation time, rearranged my house, cleaned everything, bought/borrowed/organized all the kid stuff...and the time couldn't be more perfect.

But still no phone calls.

So, what did you do to keep the crazy away while waiting for your phone to ring?

Life Crash

2013-05-22T20:01:00.003-05:00

So, my life crashed there for a little bit.

One of my staff was out on leave, so I was being both a caseworker and supervising four other people. It was exhausting. More than exhausting, it was anxiety provoking to the point of sleeplessness.

What can I say? I am rusty at being that busy.

Caseworkers - you have my admiration all over again.

But she is back now (yes, I kissed her when she returned) and I am back to blogging. And yes, I have a lot to discuss.

Mostly, what I have I been licensed this long and gotten no calls??

How long did all of you wait for the first call?

Gathering the Tribe

2013-04-09T07:00:00.000-05:00

So, as I mentioned before, knowing that I had a great support system was what allowed me to move towards this adventure with confidence. But even after I had essentially made the decision, I still had to let my tribe know about it.

The first person to know was a dear friend who has always let me be another parent to her kiddos. When I mentioned it to her, she was completely on board from the first moment. No holding back. No question that she thought I could do it.

The next two to learn were actually somewhat by accident, although they would have been next on my list anyway. But they brought it up before I had even made my final decision. It was shortly after a week where I'd cared for a two month old and they could tell how much I was relishing my time as psuedo parent. They were down right giddy about my decision, which only bolstered my confience.

Once it was out there, I needed to make sure the rest of my closest friends heard it from me first. So, I made a few more phone calls - all which were met with equal parts excitement, expectation and at least a few questions.

It was those questions that got me thinking about all the other people who I wanted to let know, but didn't warrant a formal phone call. So, I decided to write a mass email - an FAQ of sorts. I was nervous as heck to send it out. I wanted to let everyone know all my plans, how excited I was, and also set up some expectations/boundaries about any children I would have in my care. So, after running it by some trusted foster care/adoption tweeps, this is what was sent out to everyone not in my best friend tier.

Dear family and friends,

I want to start with saying that I wish I could see you all in person, or at the very least call you all individually, and tell you this exciting news. But I know that it is just not possible between all of our busy lives! But you are all so dear to me and I want you all to hear it directly from me – before it becomes “facebook official” or you hear it in some other way! You have all supported me so much during this past year, through what has certainly be the most scary and uncertain time in my life – it’s only fair that you get to be part of the exciting next steps I’m taking for the future! And now that I’ve finally gotten the “all clear” from my doctors, I fell reassured enough to move forward with plans that have been in motion for a little while now.

I’m in the process of becoming licensed as a foster parent. I hope to eventually be able to adopt a child that is not able to return home to their biological family. For many of you, this will come as no surprise. Given that I’ve worked in child welfare and always been passionate about foster care, it only seems a natural progression. And although this isn’t exactly the way I saw it playing out when I first began considering the possibility years ago, if this past year has taught me anything it’s that I really want to be a parent. I considered a number of ways to go about fulfilling that desire, but ultimately becoming a foster parent just seemed “right” for now.

So, I’m sure you have a lot of questions – I’m going to try to answer a few of the most common ones I’ve already gotten! My own little FAQ if you will. J

1. I should be licensed sometime between now and New Years – depending on the State. No, I don’t get any special privilege from having worked in the field for 10 years! If anything, there are more rules to make sure my personal and professional lives don’t cross and become a conflict of interest!

2. I’m being licensed for one or two children – though I have a preference for one at a time. The exception would be siblings – or if a sibling of a child already placed with me needs a new placement. I feel confident that I could handle two kids on my own – but would prefer they be placed one at a time to allow me some adjustment to parenthood!

3. I’m being licensed with a preference for children under 6 years old – boys or girls.

4. It will probably be a long time between a child being placed in my home and when I know if they will be reunited with their family or need an adoption plan. In my area, the court system moves slowly and most families are given approximately 18-24 months to correct the reasons that necessitated the children being removed.

5. I firmly believe that children should be with their biological families if at all possible and will be advocating for any child in my home to be with their family, despite my desire to eventually adopt. It is my hope that I can develop a relationship my foster child’s biological family, so that contact can continue even if I eventually adopt that child. I know this is sometimes hard to understand, and you may have your own feelings about this. But I ask that you respect my beliefs and be mindful of how you talk about the families of any child in my care.

6. Because of confidentiality, and out of respect for my foster child and their family, I probably won’t be able to tell you much about the reasons they can’t be with their parents. Please don’t hesitate to ask genuine questions, just be understanding if I say that I can’t answer!

7. I hope, despite the uncertainty, that you all will embrace any child in my home the way I plan to! You are all part of my “family” and thus it’s very important to me that you all get to know and love my future foster kiddo(s)! Some of you will get to be very involved – since you live close and are part of my daily life. Some of you might not get to spend a lot of time with us – but you will no doubt have a place in their lives anyways!

8. The most important thing you can do for me and for any child in my home is to pray for everyone involved. That’s what we will all need the most – and your prayers have gotten me through so much already!

So, there is my big announcement! I hope that you are all as excited as I am! Please feel free to email or call or whatever if you want to know more. Or just keep a look out for the announcement that I have a new little person in my life! And once again – have I told you all recently that I love you and can’t imagine my life without each and every one of you? No? Well, it’s absolutely true. I thank God for you all daily!

XOXO

That message was sent via email to about 30 people - and then I held my breath until the replies started popping up. And once again I was reassured by the amount of positive feedback and excited wishes from all of my loved ones. This is not to say that there haven't been some tough questions and even a few people who just "don't get it". But of all my closest family and friends - they have been nothing but supportive. I'm blessed in so many ways - I can't wait to pass along all this support to a kiddo or two someday!

Training Thoughts

2013-04-03T06:00:00.000-05:00

My foster care training classes were three hours long, twice a week, and lasted nine sessions. I was part of a pretty small group - just nine of us which dwindled to seven by the end.

Four participants were two married couples. The other five of us were single women. I was the second youngest, and the only Caucasian in the group. Only two of us (me and one of the married couples) wanted to foster younger children. One wanted teenagers, the rest wanted grade school through middle school aged kids. Most were not looking to adopt, but few understood the dynamics of reunification. I found this puzzling until a few sessions in when it became clear just how little the general public knows about foster care!

So, I'll start with some of my criticisms. First, could those videos be any more outdated?? They were no more recent than the eighties from the haircuts and clothes. The early eighties.

It's not just I think people don't take things seriously if they can't relate to them. It's also that child welfare has changed a lot in the last thirty years! The curriculum reflected those changes, but the use of outdated videos undermine the message.

For example, to their credit they did show what it looks like for foster and biological families to work together. But they undermined that by showing a meeting between a parent and child where the parent explains that their rights are going to be terminated, so they won't see them ever again.

Um, no thanks?

Then they showed another clip of the child being told that, since they weren't returning home, they would be meeting a new pre-adoptive family.

No again.

I've rarely see the first scenario play out. I mean, if a parent is appropriate enough to have that rational of a conversation about their rights being terminated, why can't hey have continued contact?? And in my state, the judge won't even change the goal away from reunification unless the child is already in a pre-adoptive home.

But at least I better understand why most of my classmates thought kids just stayed in the system forever without reunification or permanency.

Other falsehoods that had to be addressed:

* Children are not grateful to be away from their biological families.
* Children aren't just one day removed and sent back home without notice.
* Biological parents will not try to hunt you down and steal their children back.
* Foster parents are not allowed to keep a child in their home without committing to permanency after reunification is rule out.
* Social workers aren't all homely and have bad haircuts.

(Ok, that last one was just for my benefit.)

Overall, I found training to be pretty eye opening. Not because any of the information was new to me per se, but because I really never knew what foster parents were being told/taught in my state! So, it was really interesting to see that reunification is being discussed, at length, in training. Collaboration between foster parents and biological families is being encouraged. And the idea that reunification is the number one priority of foster care is being emphasized.

This knowledge is something that I have used quite a bit in my job as a social worker. No more pretending that you didn't know you'd have to at least meet the bio parents! No more acting like you can't believe we'd consider sending this child back home! Nope, I know what you were told in the beginning, even if you want to forget it.

But back to training:

I did my fair share of interjecting with tidbits of information, personal stories, and some real honesty on the occasion where I felt our trainer was beating around the bush. (Don't worry, I told him after my second class that he could just tell me to shut up at any time.) And I actually got some good stuff out of training too.

We did a very eye opening excersize about our childhoods and what we had internalized about things such as support, discipline, education, and emotions. It was eye opening to see how my responses were similar and different from my peers. I was really grateful, once again, for my wonderful childhood, supportive family, and overall awesome life. We also did an exercise about how different parts of our life would change with the introduction of a foster child. For people who already had kids (which was the better part of the class) there were a few changes, but nothing as dramatic as my answers. The reality is that I have lived alone, only responsible for myself, for the last ten years. Every single thing about my life. is about to change.

But I feel totally ready.

Thinking it over

2013-03-29T06:00:00.000-05:00

After my first home study visit and as I started my licensing trainings, I couldn't stop thinking about life would actually be like for me as a single foster parent. I've been imagining being a foster parent for years and I thought I had a pretty good idea of what I would be open to accepting as placements.

But truthfully, my daydreams usually involved being married first. Having a partner in this adventure. Someone to bounce ideas off of and someone to share in the responsibilities. Also, I always imagined having a second income to help out! Not having those things ended up shaping my decisions more than I realized it would in the beginning.

Originally, I thought I would be open to any child under age 10 - preferably looking at children who had some emotional or behavioral challenges. I also thought I could handle up to three kids. The age was somewhat arbitrary - 10 seemed like a reasonable age for a parent MY age. None of my friends have kiddos quite that old - but I figured that having a 10 year old at 33 didn't seem too crazy. I was open, and even embraced the idea of having children with some emotional/behavioral issues because that is what I have worked with most often over the years. I am good at working with those types of issues and am pretty confident in my ability to handle some of the harder aspects of working with children from traumatic backgrounds. And I really wanted to be open to sibling groups - so three kids seemed do-able for someone with my daycare, camp and foster care experience.

But as I started thinking more critically about my life, my support system, the logistics of being a single parent, and in general how things would play out - well, things changed quite a bit.

First, I began researching schools and daycares in my area. I don't work far from home, but far enough that it took over an hour during some of our worst winter weather last year. So, I decided that if at all possible I'd rather that Future Foster Kiddo (FFK) should be in daycare close to my job. That way if weather is bad or some other problem comes up, at least it is easy for me to get to them quickly. Then I began to think about what I would do in cases of emergencies - not with the kiddo, but emergencies with me.

My job isn't nearly as crisis oriented as it was when I was a caseworker, but there are still occasionally days when I get stuck out in the field or at court or dealing with some other crisis that involves working past six. Heck, it could be something as simple as just being stuck traffic during rush hour. But once I started thinking about emergencies and child care, I began thinking about all the other things that could go wrong too.

What if my FFK gets hurt at school?
What if they are sick a lot?
What if I get sick?
What if I have to be hospitalized again?
What if, what if, what if?

For a few days I was pretty paralyzed with fear. (It probably didn't help that there were some health scares going on during this time too.) Then I remembered that great support system and wonderful group of friends and loved ones that I knew I could rely on in tough times.

And I realized I had to stop thinking about how I was doing this "all alone".

And while that was a very relieving thought, it also meant I had to stop thinking just about what I could handle. I had to think about my friends and family and what they could handle. I have seen SO MANY placements fall apart because the foster parents' support system couldn't handle it. So, I had to completely rethink my limits as far as placements go.

I also had to think long and hard about my limits as far as short term/long term/adoption/reunification goes. Again, I struggled with my values as a social worker - one who believes strongly in children being stable in foster care and working with parents towards reunification. And my selfishness - the part of me that wants to be a parent.

Here is what I settled on:

1. Ages - 5 and under, with some wiggle room for placing siblings together. The majority of this decision came from looking at my support system and realizing that all the people that I would ask for childcare help have very young children - as in mostly under 3 years old. I knew that they would be happy to watch a baby or a toddler. They would probably even be okay with a preschooler. But asking my friends, with their own little ones to think of, to take on an older child (with unknown life experiences) just seemed too risky. For them, for me, but mostly for any future foster kiddos. I want my friends and loved ones to embrace and love my FFKs like they would my own children. So, I feel a lot of pressure to set everyone up for success.

2. Emotional/behavioral - on a case by case basis. With the under 5 age limit, I think the likelihood of getting a call for a "spec" child is lower in general. There are some issues that I would still say "yes" to but there are others that I'd have to say no. I realize that anything could happen as a child grows up, and I would never want to have to disrupt a placement. So, I am hoping and praying that accepting younger children also will mean being able to intervene and work through issues early, before they become major problems. Only time will tell.

3. Up to two children - but with a preference of having one child placed at a time. Its actually my dream placement to have one child placed and then have another sibling at a later time. (Like in the case of an "add on" new baby.) I wasn't strict about it, and I made it clear to Tara that I wanted to be open to siblings. But realistically, I want to make sure I'm getting the swing of this single parent thing too!

4. Just to round things out - I have no racial/cultural restrictions and only a slight gender preference. I told her not to rule out either gender but did let her know that I have always wanted a little girl. So, I did ask that I not get a call for two boys - unless there was some reason they thought I'd be a perfect placement.

5. Permanency - this was the hardest one. But at the end of the day, even though I really want to be a parent, I know that I couldn't live with myself if I didn't know for sure that any children that end up with me permanently really NEEDED a forever home. I want to be part of the process, to help work towards reunification, and to build relationships with parents. I want to make sure that if FFK can not be reunified that it wasn't because his/her parents weren't given a chance. And, if I do end up adopting, I really want to have a relationship already established so that it can continue. You all know how I feel about open adoption. So, I am open to any goal - including both reunification and adoption. I basically told Tara that I want a child who will stay with me until they go home. And if they can not return home, they will stay with me forever.

I still second guess a lot of my parameters quite often. Just the other day I had to stop myself from emailed Tara and telling her that I really wanted two at a time. Sometimes it is hard to watch workers struggle to find homes for kids at my own agency and not pick up the phone to tell Tara that I will take that type of child or siblings. My heart really goes out to some of our older children, or sibling groups of three plus, etc. But I really want to ensure that any children who are placed with me are a good fit for my life, my support system, and that I never have to contribute to children being bounced around in care.

So, that is where things stand now! It is hard not to spend my days daydreaming about my Future Foster Kiddo(s). Its not all picture perfect in my head - but I am very optimistic!

Licensing Visits

2013-03-27T06:00:00.000-05:00

So, I had my "introduction to foster care" meeting in July, I submitted my application, and then things were at a standstill for a little while. One of the things they'd asked us to do after the intro meeting was to look up the foster care training classes and pick a start date. Because of some fall scheduling issues, I really wanted to start over the summer. But the agency didn't get back to me quick enough. I tried not to be frustrated. Even if they are despereate need of foster parents, they still have things higher on their priority list. I know how it goes. So instead, I started my trainings in August.

But first, I met with my licensing worker - nothing has been more surreal than having a social worker come to MY HOUSE and ask me the questions I ask people all the time. SURREAL I tell you.

She is wonderful though - I think I'll call her Tara for blogging purposes. She is always late and her visits last FOREVER because she is chatty. I thought is was just me, but I met another foster parent she works with and she says their visits last forever too. So much my for ego!

The lateness doesn't bother me, in fact I expect it. I know foster parents complain about the timeliness (or lack there of) in child welfare. But the reality is, the job is crazy and time is just not on our side most days. So, I just know to plan on waiting a bit on home visit days.

One of the most important things I've tried to keep in mind during this whole process is figuring out how I will balance my role as a social worker and my role as a foster parent. I know how I do things and I know how I think things should be done. But I'm neither the social worker nor the supervisor in this situation. So, I'm trying very hard to reserve my judgements and my bossypants. I might really need to use them one day. So, I'm holding out for something really important.

Back to home visits.

I know that I always tell foster parents not to stress out about the cleanliness of your home. I always say we don't really care what your house looks like during home visits.

And that is all true.

Didn't stop me from cleaning my house like a madwoman before my first visit.

Or pacing around looking at everything one more time before Tara got there.

Or being super nervous for the first 30 minutes or so.

But overall, the first visit was really good. I've never been a licensing worker, so while I know the basics of how licesing works, I don't know the exact process. Plus, every agency is a little different so I was interested in hearing about how it would all work.

After going through some paperwork and her explaining the steps of licensure, we got started on my home study. This was by far the weirdest experience of the process! I've asked other people these types of questions, I've been on the other side of such "social history" interviews. But it was completely different on this end!

But luckily, Tara is very good at making it seem more like a conversation and less like an interview. So, two hours later we had talked a lot about my motivations for becoming a foster parent and a little about my life story. Overall, it was relatively painless. But we also were only about a third of the way through the questions!

Tara told me the second of my approximately three homestudy vists would take place about halfway through my licensing training. I was scheduled to start trainings a couple weeks later and I was bummed to find out that I'd have to wait. In my head I just wanted to rush through the process and get licensed the day after training ended! But she explained that I'd have one visit during training, then another within a month of completing training, then it would take about 2-3 weeks to finish writing and editing my homestudy. It would then take about a month for my license to be issued once everything was submitted to the state. So, that put me at hoping for an official licensure date of early November.

As she left, Tara asked me to think long and hard about what type of children I would be open to so we could discuss it at my next visit. I promised her I would, even though I thought I already knew the answer to that question.

Turns out they make this a process for a reason...

(To be continued!)

Other Side of the Great Divide

2013-03-25T06:00:00.000-05:00

There has always seemed to be a great divide in blogging about foster care - the divide between foster parents and social workers. One side says they have the education, the experience, and the objectivity - so they know what is best for the child. The other side says they live with the child, they love the child, and they know them better than anyone else - so they know what is best for the child. Well, I'm about to find out which side I think is right soon enough!

I started the licensing process about eight months ago. I've wanted to be a parent all my life (at least as far back as I can remember). I have known I'd be a foster parent eventually since I was in college (long before I knew I'd be a social worker actually). So, when the events of last year made me think long and hard about HOW parenting would happen for me, I decided that now was the time to act. Even though I am still physically able to get pregnant, I decided I wasn't ready to take on that kind of single parenting yet. The idea of taking everything into my own hands, ruling out the idea of having a partner in concieving a child, just wasn't something I was prepared to do by myself. I haven't ruled it out forever, but at 33 years old I like to think I still have some time to spare. We will see if my body agrees with me and keeps fighting off any lingering cancer cells.

But I knew that holding off on becoming a parent just wasn't an option for me anymore. I've lived in two bedroom apartments for most of the last six years because I wanted to pursue foster care. But between changing jobs and a host of other reasons, I'd been making excuses for far too long. If there is one thing having cancer will teach you, it is that life is too short. The other thing it will teach you is who your friends really are.

I was lucky enough to learn that I have AWESOME friends.

So, boosted by the knowledge that I didn't want to waste anymore time and also by the certainty that I have pretty much the best support system in the world, I decided I could really do this single parenting thing.

I had the first "introductory" meeting in July. It was interesting to be "on the other side" of the table. The guy leading the meeting had a pretty relaxed approach, which normally I wouldn't mind but for a meeting with complete newbies it seemed a little too relaxed. He explained their different programs and the basics of what the process looked like. I tried very hard not to be critical, but I failed. All I could think was "this is what I'd do differently". ;)

The agency I'm licensed with is not the agency I work for - its a conflict of interest, so I also can't ever take kids that I've worked with in a professional capacity. So, I used my own knowledge of other agencies in the area and also asked around about my top choices. I asked lawyers at court, service providers that work with lots of agencies, and co-workers who have even worked at some of my picks. I finally chose my agency based on a few top factors:

1. They are a large agency, so I know that they have a high intake. This was important because I didn't want to wait around forever for a placement. Also, they are not a highly specialized agency, so I knew they would get a variety of kids in regards to age, needs, siblings, etc.

2. They are a well known agency with good standing with the state. This was important to me not only because I want my foster kiddos to have good people working with them, but also because in my state agencies who perform at higher standards get more intake. Also, I think that agencies who already have a good reputation work harder at keeping it good. (Can you tell that my worst fear as a foster parent is getting an idiot social worker? Cause it is.)

3. They are right around the corner from my house. As in literally only one turn and less than a mile. This was important because I know how often foster kids need to go to the agency. I drive by my licensing agency twice a day minimum already. So, I figured it would be easy for me to drive by and pick up kiddos from visits or appointments on my way to/from work. I also figured it would be good that the agency is close by because I know my foster kiddo's parents will know the area well enough for us to find some good meeting places if I'm able to supervise visits. In fact, there is park very close to my agency and my home that I really hope will be a fun visit spot someday.

4. They have both traditional and specialized foster care. This was important because it means they already have some idea of how to handle children with trauma and behavior issues. So, even though I don't think kiddos in my age range will be specialized, at least if something comes up they know how to deal with it. And it won't mean a change in agency if they do end up having to stepped up in the future. (I'll talk more about my age ranges and such in another post.)

There were other reasons, but those were highest on my priority list. I looked at websites and talked to people at a few others, but I only went to meetings at the one. I did the same thing with college and grad school. Once I make up my mind, it is made up for good apparently. :)

I'll get into my experience, my licesing homevisits, and my thoughts on our foster parent training in the next few posts. Feel free to ask any questions! I'm so glad to have this space to "talk things out" again. I've really missed it!

CW101 - Visit Logistics

2011-11-11T23:00:00.000-06:00

The logistics of parent/child visitation may not be as hard as the emotional fallout, but I realize that it is a major cause of stress and frustration. So, I hope this post will help make things a bit clearer for those who are involved in visits.

Scheduling

Scheduling is the issue I hear brought up most often. "Its during the baby's naptime!", "They bring the kids back so late!", and "They don't even care if the weather is bad or the kid is sick" are the most common complaints I hear from foster parents. Well, here is the part where I must tell foster parents the hard truth -

Suck it up.

Visits are the single most important part of a child welfare case. It is the best chance to preserve attachment between parents and children. It is the best chance of motivating parents to turn their lives around. Frequent visits reduce the stress of reunification on the child. Visits decrease the chance that the child will be abused or neglected again.

So for all those reasons, visits need to happen as often as possible - for better or worse, rain or shine, in sickness and in health...etc. Then to top it off, caseworkers are attempting to get in all the visits for all the families on their caseloads. They are also probably trying to juggle eightymillionandfour other tasks and likely fighting for space in an agency playroom. They do not have the luxury of scheduling visits around each child's ideal time of day. Baby can sleep during a visit. Its good for us to see if Mom can successfully soothe a fussy infant. We know its not ideal to bring little kids home late in the evening, but sometimes its inevitable. Unless the child was sick enough to stay home from school and also laid around listlessly all day visits are still important - parents can dispense t*lenol and most kids are still up for playing even if they aren't in tip top shape.

I know that sometimes less than ideal scheduling means a child who is cranky or tired or wound up all night. But this is one of those things where I beg foster parents to look at the long term benefits, rather than the short term frustrations.
Now, if you are willing to transport the kids or supervise visits (both of which I highly recommend) then obviously your schedule should be taken into account. But if not, and sometimes even if you are, this is still not about you. Its about maintaining a relationship between the parents and children.

So, I beg you to remember that you chose to become a foster parent - and its a big part of the job. (I don't like to throw out the "you chose this so don't complain" card often, but this is one area where I feel justified.)

Frequency

In my state/county parents are entitled to visits once per week for an hour at an absolute minimum. The younger the child - the more visits they should have, if possible. It might seem counter-intuitive, but a baby needs even more frequent contact with their parents to maintain a connection.

I went to a training recently, that was given by a woman who was a foster parent and who researched positive outcomes in foster care. She firmly preached that children should "make contact" with their parents every single day. In person contact preferably. She talked about how it was less important that the time be "quality" each time - sometimes it just might be a brief 10 minutes after school, or maybe 30 minutes of lunch, or at the very least a phone call. She talked about how those frequent little contacts, with some longer more quality visits less frequently, greatly reduced the negative behavior that most children exhibit after visits. She also talked about how quickly it became apparent whether or not the parents were going to be able to resume parenting responsibilities. That when parents were given frequent contact, they either quickly got themselves into services and made progress or they fell off and realized for themselves that they were not prepared to parent. I was seriously amazed by her stories. I've gotten to see a couple of examples in my own cases, mostly with relative caregivers who are open to the parents coming to their home everyday. The children are much more stable and well adjusted. I truly wish more people would embrace this level of openness.

Unfortunately most agencies haven't "bought into" this idea and most foster parents aren't comfortable with opening up their lives to that level of contact with birth parents. I'm lucky that we work with a lot of relative foster parents, so sometimes we get pretty close to that ideal. But, frequency will be probably be once a week in the beginning. As the case moves closer to reunification, frequency increases. When visits go from being supervised to unsupervised, there is usually a decent jump in frequency and length of visits shortly afterwards. I'll talk more about this when I write about moving towards reunification. Visits decrease as the case moves away from reunification. But where I work, parents are entitled to weekly visits until the courts officially change the goal away from reunification. See my post on "Court Goals" to better understand our court set goal system.

Location

Most of the time, its best to start visits in the agency office. This is important because you never know how parents or children will react to a visit. Things are easier to control in the office, rather than out in the community or in the parent's or foster parent's home. But as quickly as possible, visits should move out of the office playroom. Because really, the ability to see how parents really interact with their children is pretty limited in a 10X10 room full of toys. So, then there are a range of other options:

Parents' home - This is where we try to move visits as soon as possible, assuming that the physical space is safe and appropriate. Its a more natural location for the parent and the child. It lends itself to the parent being able to do normal "parent stuff" like cook a meal, hang out playing with the kids' own toys, etc. I've heard people object to this option because "its where the abuse/neglect happened" or "its too hard for the kids to leave". But I have rarely seen it actually be a problem if it happens quickly after removal. Remember - most children aren't consciously aware that abuse or neglect happened. It was "normal" to them. So, the environment where the abuse/neglect happened isn't generally traumatic. It may be hard for them to leave at first, but when routine and repetition, it usally gets easier.

Foster home - This is easily interchangable with the parents' home as the next best place for visits to occur. For all the same reasons - parents get to actually "parent" their kids! They can help cook or serve meals, assist with homework, give kids a bath, tuck them into bed, etc. That is the parenting part that can't be recreated by visits in a neutral location. And it is those things that both allows the parents to demonstrate their skill, reveals areas that need support, and creates closer bonds between parents and children. Attachement isn't created by trips to the zoo and McD's - its those little moments throughout the day, the routines, the "boring" stuff that most people take for granted. This is why I push people to consider opening their homes to children's parents. Because it is better for the child to have those moments with their parents. It is better for the child to have their parent "parenting" them instead of mommy or daddy just becoming the person who meets them at playland.

Community - If the parents' home isn't appropriate yet and the foster parents aren't willing to let visits occur in their homes, we often move visits to the community. I despise McDonald's visits, but sometimes they are the best we can do during our long cold winters. We also often use libraries, parks in summer, and occasionally other random locations. These locations can be good for observing parent/child interactions - they give caseworkers the chance to see how closely parents watch and manage children in a less structured environment. But they aren't natural settings and don't lend themselves to teaching parents to do basic daily childcare.

Supervision

Visits are usually supervised by agency workers in the beginning. We often make exceptions for relative caregivers to supervise some visits too. But it is important for the caseworkers to observe the parents and kids together frequently. At my agency, caseworkers must supervise visits at least 2x a month so that they can acurately report in court. To be honest, most parents are on their best behavior at visits. I've rarely had to terminate a visit early due to the parents' behavior. In fact, I don't think I ever have.

Once its determined to be appropriate, other people can be allowed to supervise visits. We often approve family members - even if the child isn't placed with family. The importance of remaining within eyesight of the parent and child is stressed and the supervisor is told to encourage the parent to do as much of the parenting as possible. Sometimes parents need redirecting to remind them to pay more attention to their child than the other adults in the room. They may also need help disciplining the kids because they haven't learned how or because they are too nervous to do anything while being watched.

I love when non-relative foster parents are also willing to supervise visits, whether in the foster home or not. When biological and foster parents work together, the benefits to both children and both sets of parents is amazing. Even when there are concerns about safety, lack of progress, etc - I truly believe that foster parents and parents working together gives children the best chance of coming out of the system (one way or another) with less trauma.

I feel like this post has gotten long enough at this point. I will follow up tomorrow with the definition of "safe and appropriate" visits - which will hopefully answer some of your questions about why visits are allowed to continue when parents come under the influence, or when they aren't watching the child close enough, or are off their medication.

Please ask any questions you have about what I've already posted and I'll follow up on the next post!

Irony

2011-11-10T23:46:00.001-06:00

Irony - Today I experienced the worst ending to a parent/child visit ever. So, I apologize but these posts just couldn't get written tonight. My whole body hurts...and my heart is weary too.

I'll be back with the visitation posts tomorrow I promise!

Visit Posts and Another Request!

2011-11-09T21:52:00.001-06:00

At the suggestion of Denver Laura, I think I will split this topic into three sections.

The first will be "Visit Logistics" - What happens at visits, recommended frequency, who attends, who schedules, who supervises, etc.

The second part will be "Visits & Behavior" - What are "normal" child reactions, when should foster and bio parents meet, what should foster parents do before/during/after visits, what are parents told before the first visits, why do foster kids still see parents still on drugs, transportation, safety, etc.

Lastly will be a post on "Visit Progression" - how visits change as children return home, how visits change near termination, post-adoption visits, etc.

And what about a "Talking about Visits" post? How to explain why parents don't show up at visits? How to talk about why parents make promises they can't keep? What other topics get brought up by visits that you aren't always sure how to explain to a child?

I was wondering about starting a series of posts about how foster & adoptive parents can talk to children about some of the "hard truths" of foster care and adoption. One of the posts might be all about how to talk to kids and prepare them for visits and it could jump start a series about how to talk to them about:

-How to explain their parents choices?
-How to explain the reasons they came into care?
-How to explain their "life story" at different ages?
-How to explain adult topics like drug use, mental illness, criminal behavior, sexual abuse, poverty, etc.

Would that be helpful? What other conversations do people have trouble figuring out to talk to their children about? This isn't just for foster and adoptive parents - if there are birth parents who aren't sure how to explain certain topics - please ask away! Any other social workers out there wondering how to explain something to a child? Or how to explain it to a birth/foster/adoptive parent so they can talk to their child?Please be as specific as possible - hypotheticals are fine, but I really want these posts to be helpful. And if you are especially interested in some of the questions I've already come up with above - please tell me! That way I will be sure to touch on them sooner rather than later.

Please feel free to email me if these questions are personal or confidential. I am happy to answer them and not give out names. I can be contacted at Socialwrkr_247@live.com .

The first of the Visitation series will be up tomorrow! Feel free to post more questions on that topic here or on the original post!

Visitation Stress

2011-11-08T22:49:00.000-06:00

Parent / Child visitation is one of the most controversial issues that I deal with in Child Welfare. Today I spent over 45 minutes on the phone with a foster parent, mostly going around in circles about visits. I also had an awkward conversation with a birth mom about whether or not she will get to see her child on the actual holidays. Nothing seems to get people as riled up as the ins and outs of how visits work. I see it in the blog-o-sphere too. Mostly its about how visits work when children are in foster care. But also sometimes about how visits should look after adoption. (Both foster-adoption or domestic open adoption) There are always a range of opinions and questions about visits.

What are visits like?
When should they increase?
What is "normal" behavior after children return from visits?
When should visits be cut back?
Who should decide when visits are scheduled?
Who should participate in visits?
What should the "rules" of visits be?
How do visits change as a case nears reunification?
How do visits change as a case nears termination/adoption?

I want to write a post (or maybe a series of posts) about visitation. What questions do you all have? Foster parents? Social workers? Birth parents? Which of the above do you really want to hear about? Are there other questions or concerns that you've wondered about? Please give me feedback!

New Perspecitive (aka Fighting Burn Out)

2011-11-06T20:12:00.000-06:00

Yesterday I spent some time with two co-workers. Its always nice to hang out with other social workers. I have a few really good social worker friends, and they just GET IT. For part of the night we talked about the insane few weeks I've been having. They hear bits and pieces as I fly through the office but they wanted all the details last night.

I've had a rough few weeks. Children disrupting from placements. Hotline calls to parents whose children have been returned home. Meeting with parents to tell them that their children will not ever be coming home. Having to call the police to physically break down a door in order to hospitalize a mother having a psychotic break - twice.

Then we had a staff meeting at my agency last week where the program director seemed dumbfounded to learn that most caseworkers don't just work 9-5 and only on weekdays. (Even I, a supervisor, have worked some portion of every weekend for the last 3 months.) I almost laughed out loud except that it made me furious.

In truth, I have been coming home emotionally drained. I love my job, but it has been an almost never ending stream of crisis and bad news lately.

I'm not feeling burned out... yet. When I am at work, I feel focused and energized. Ready to take on the world. But I come home and the adrenaline rush crashes ... big time. I know I need to take care of myself or I won't be able to keep this up. My westcoast twin recently wrote a sadly accurate post about how terrible we social workers are at self care.

But I'm making some attempts to be better about it.

Quitting my part time job was the first step. I agreed to stay on as an occasional substitute, so that makes my panic a little bit less. But I'll be able to pick and choose when I decide to work, which makes me feel so very relieved. I also am hoping to do some babysitting for a little cash. Cross your fingers for me!

I am going to start going to yoga again. I bought a Groupon for my favorite yoga spot a few months ago, but have been too busy and tired to use it. I am going to try to start this week. I want to go at least three times a week but hope it will be more like five times a week. Its an ambitious goal - but I know those hours of deep breathing will do wonders for my mindset.

I am going to be better about spending time with friends. No more working on weeknights means I can make more plans with people who lift my spirits and make me laugh. It also means I can spend a little more time with my four-legged friends! My dogs will be very happy to see me home more often. I vow to take them on longer walks and maybe even attempt to teach them "fetch" again.

Lastly (and least likely to actually happen) I am going to cook at home more often. I eat out way too often and usually while driving. (I know - SO not safe Heather!) I need to eat healthier and cooking at home will hopefully encourage me. Also, with my reduced income it just isn't feasible to eat out as much as I have in the past few years.

Help me stay accountable to these resolutions - won't you friends? Also, if you can think of any other good ways to spend me new free time and take better care of myself - please feel free to comment! :)

Two second post

2011-11-05T21:35:00.002-05:00

(Okay, this post wasn't supposed to be blank. Apparently blogging from my phone is not fool proof.)

I quit my part time job today.

I'm equal parts elated and terrified by the changes ahead.

I can't wait to sleep in on a Saturday for the first time in forever.

I have no idea how anyone is getting any Christmas presents this year.

It is the best thing I have done for myself in approximately 4 years.

I am really happy for myself.

So True

2011-11-04T20:44:00.000-05:00

For anyone who has ever suffered from Depression, or anyone who has ever tried and failed to understand why their loved one is depressed, this is the most accurate and hilarious account ever:

Adventures in Depression

At least, that is how it was for me. Plus 5 years of therapy. :)

Holding my breath

2011-11-03T23:45:00.000-05:00

Today was a very scary day. One of the scariest I have experienced yet.

Today I recommended that a child stay with their mother.

Okay, let me back track because that probably didn't seem all that shocking to most of you...

A number of months ago, we returned nine year old David home to his mother. He had been in care for about a year and his mom had completed every service we'd requested of her. Since he'd returned home, the caseworker had been out to the home frequently and had no concerns. We had just scheduled a meeting to discuss closing the case completely.

And then we got a phone call.

A report that things were not good in the home.

A report that David could be hurt.

And so we spoke to everyone involved - some things were admitted, others were not. At the end of the investigation it was clear that more services were needed.

But I walked into court today and advocated that David should stay with his mother.

She has agreed to re-engage in services.

She's already complied with the tasks we requested of her in the last few weeks.

But a number of people at court wanted David to come back into foster care. They believe that his mother has been hiding these issues for a long time. They believe that she told him to lie. They believe that he could get seriously hurt.

I believe all those things too.

But I still believe he should stay with his mother.

I believe we should give them a chance to work through this together.

Today a judge agreed with me. Many, many safegaurds were put into place. David's mom was given a strong warning that one mistake could cost her custody of her son. She cried and promised to do whatever was asked of her.

But after I left the courthouse today, I couldn't stop thinking about all the risks we are taking. The risk that she won't be able to overcome her problems. The risk that David could get hurt. The risk that we would be wrong. The risk that we would be blamed for something terrible happening.

I thought about how much easier it would be (for us) if David came back into foster care. He'd be in a home that we approved. We would have more "control" over his living environment. We wouldn't worry as much about whether he was being hurt.

Those are all false assumptions of control of course. Children are hurt in foster care. We still wouldn't know if he was getting hurt unless he told us. But we certainly would feel a bit more secure knowing that wasn't in a home where those risks have already been admitted to be happening.

It would be better for us.

But I don't believe it would be better for David. It might be less physically risky. But it would be emotionally devestating. He might be physically safe. But he would still be scared. He might be with more capable parents. But he wouldn't have someone he knew to comfort him.

While I have a lot of confidence that David's mom will overcome these challenges, I could be wrong.

So, today I do not regret our decision.

But I am holding my breath.

Obligatory National Adoption Month Post

2011-11-02T21:56:00.000-05:00

(Day Two - I'm already at a loss... not really of content, just a lack of energy really. I have lots of things I want to post about, a list actually! But I am absolutely worn out at the end of the work days recently. So, tonight's post might be a little rambling - but I will try to get myself together and write meaningful posts.)

I feel obligated to blog about National Adoption Month tonight.

I have mixed feelings about National Adoption Month, as I'm sure many of you could guess. My hesitancy is not even about how the original intent has been hijacked by domestic and internal adoption. The bigger concern for me is that promoting adoption from Foster Care sends a very mixed message.

The first point I really want to make is this: I love adoption from Foster Care. I probably don't act like it all the time, because in all honesty I wish it wasn't needed. But it IS needed and I am so grateful for foster parents who open their homes and hearts to children who need a family.

I have known and loved many children who needed an adoptive family because their biological parents simply were not able to care for them. I have only been to three adoption ceremonies - but I cried buckets of joy at all of them! I have also known many children who desperately needed families - and no one ever stepped up for them. These children truly do langish in foster care - in group homes, transitional living programs, and eventually age out without someone to be a continued support in their life. There is a desperate need for people to step up and adopt children from foster care.

Children from foster care are often not "ideal" candidates for adoption. They have experienced significant trauma, there is often significant risk in the process, and lets face it - dealing with the system SUCKS.

But nonetheless, people do it. They take the risk and they take on a child who has special needs (cause they almost all do) and they deal with the crazy system - and a family is created.

I love it.

But the flip side of promoting adoption from foster care is that many people sign up to be foster parents in hopes that they will get to adopt the child placed in their home. I see this as completely different than those who attempt to adopt a "waiting child" and who do not want to foster. People who sign up to become foster parents, listen to the schpeel about reunification being the priority of foster care, and then cross their fingers that the child will become available for adoption.

I hate that.

I don't think its honest or genuine to say "We want to adopt, but are willing to foster and see what happens". Yes, it is true that many children in foster care end up being available for adoption and the "first chance" goes to their current foster parents. But that doesn't mean its okay to take a child into your home and then secretly hope and pray that their parents don't get their act together, overcome their challenges, and make it possible for their child to return to their care.

And the truth is that most biological families will never be "as good" as a family who is hoping to adopt from foster care. They will probably not work full time professional jobs, they will likely continue to live in bad neighborhoods, and its not unusual for them to continually struggle with addiction or mental health issues. And it is very hard for most people to truly support the ongoing process of attempting reunification when they also want to adopt.

So, I have mixed feelings about a month that promotes "Adopt from Foster Care!" when I work every day to try to put families back together. These families (and I) already have enough working against a successful reunification - we don't need foster parents who are secretly waiting for it all to fail too.

So, if you want to promote National Adoption Month - please send people right here:

Adopt Us Kids

These are children who are currently waiting for a family. For most of them, it has already been determined that they can not live with their family of origin. They really NEED a committed forever family.

But, if you want to be a support to a family by caring for their child until they are able to do so - then please, please, PLEASE consider being a foster parent. We sure could use you!

(PS- Please submit some comments/questons/ideas for NaBloPoMo posts!)

We'll see...

2011-11-01T13:57:00.001-05:00

Ok, I'm doing it -

NaBloPoMo that is.

I really have gone back and forth about it.

I did great the first year I tried! I got all the way to day 28 I think!

Last year I sucked - I'm not even sure I made it a week.

But I've had a lot going on that I really do want to blog. (I started a list of blog posts a few weeks ago!)

So, I'm going to give it a go.

Please feel free to leave questions, comments, blog ideas - ANYTHING!

I'm really hoping to make it all 30 days this time.

We'll see... :)

Luxury

2011-09-13T07:00:00.000-05:00

Today I realized something that I really hadn't before - Being a good parent is a not a "given" and not everyone has the "same oppurtunity". No matter what anyone wants to say when they rant about that parent yelling at her child in Tar-jay. Or when the teacher notices all the processed junk food in a child's lunchbox. Or when a neighbor judges the woman down the street for the state of her children's toys or clothes. Parents don't start out at blank slates when they give birth. The kind of parent you will be is made up of many, many factors that either work in your favor or against it. And the parents I work with are often in a deficit before they even concieve their first child. For example: