SocialWrkr24/7 : Eyes Opened Wider

Update: New Phase

2012-02-05T22:49:00.001-06:00

I had my last post-surgery doctor appointment on Friday - sorry its taken me so long to write a real update! But it went well and I'm so grateful for the amazing Dr. R! (If anyone in the area ever needs to know his real name, please don't hesitate to ask me!)

As we were told right after my surgery, there is "no evidence of disease" left in my body! So, I'm technically considered "in remission" although that term isn't really used for this type of cancer I think. I'll be followed closely for the next five years to make sure I stay cancer free.

Best news from yesterday? There is only a 5-10% chance of reoccurance! I like those odds!

Speaking of "odds", a friend I just talked to on the phone reminded me of some other statistics that I just read the other day. I avoided most web research and definitely kept away from statistics because they were just too frightening. But now that I know more about my cancer specifically, these statistics actually moved me to tears.

Less than 5% of women diagnosed with Ovarian cancer are under age 35, the average age is 63.
The chance of being diagnosed in an early stage (1 or 2) of Ovarian cancer is only 30%.
Less than 15% of women are diagnosed in Stage 1 (my stage).

I can't believe how fortunate I am to have defied all of those statistics. Especially since the survival rate drops dramatically from Stages 1/2 to Stage 3. The 5 year survival rates for Stage 1 Ovarian cancer is 93%. That is a risk I can live with for now.

So, for now I hope to go back to my relatively "normal" life. Although it certainly will be a "new normal" after this experience. So many things have been put into perspective for me in the last three months. I do ask for your prayers as I figure out how to move forward into this new phase of life.

I will be keeping this blog as my professional blog. But I also will be opening up my "personal" blog to those of you here that would like to follow it. I am just in a very introspective stage of my life right now, with not much to say about work. I'm sure I will come back to this blog as a place to sort out my thoughts and feelings about social work matters. But so many of you have supported me through so much, I just can't see keeping you all out of the next stage of my life. So, look for a link here in the upcoming days.

Thank you all once again for supporting and praying for me. I feel very undeserving of such a positive outcome and know that there are many out there who have it much worse than me. Thank you all for helping me through the last three months.

Update: Spreading the News

2012-01-07T20:59:00.000-06:00

I'm sorry that you all are the last to know!

But I just was released from the hospital last night and have been conserving my energy since I don't have much of it yet.

But I did want you all to be able to celebrate the joyous news that I was given just five days ago!

The surgery was a complete success in more ways than one. They removed my omentum and multiple lymph nodes plus did biopsies of

many areas inside my abdomen and

NO CANCER WAS FOUND!

And yesterday we received the final confirmation from
the second set of pathology reports done on all the tissue samples -

No Chemo will be necessary!!

I can say with all honesty that this was not the outcome I expected. It was certainly the one I hoped for and the one I asked all of you to pray for - but it isn't what I expected.
I had already done my bargaining with God,

reasoning out which parts of this I would rather experience

since I didn't think it was fair to expect that

I wouldn't have to endure any of it.

But God has always been full of miraculous surprises.

A little over fifty days ago I was told that I had cancer -

stage 3 was alluded to briefly.

I was told that I would never be able to get pregnant -

that a full hysterectomy would be inevitable.

And I was told that I would certainly need chemo -

they were even willing to start it prior to the staging surgery.

Today, none of that appears true.

While I haven't had a long discussion with my oncologist, I believe my cancer will still be classified as Stage 1. It has not spread to any other part of my body from all the tests they have run. I have no reason to think I won't someday get to experience pregnancy - plus, I don't have to worry about menopause at 30 either. And lastly, chemo is not needed - no losing my hair, being sick, or worrying about missing work.

I am still not sure how to process all of this.

All that I know is that God has granted many many prayers. And that I am so very very thankful. I know that God did not make this decision because I had so many people praying for me. I don't believe God makes those decisions based on who has the biggest prayer chain. I do not feel that I "deserved" this outcome -

it is purely God's grace in action.

But I do believe that God has used this ordeal to promote His plan, to reveal certain truths to me and maybe even to some of you. I thank you all from the very bottom of my heart for pleading with Him on my behalf. I do believe that this entire ordeal would have been much more difficult if I had not had each and every one of you supporting me.

I hope that some of you will see the ways that God used this to grow your own faith in His goodness and mercy. I certainly have had my eyes opened through all of this - and I believe I will continue to have some of the reasons revealed to me.

I will continue to keep you all updated on my recovery and on any further doctor appointments. I will see my oncologist in about a week to have my staples removed and to discuss follow up monitoring.

So, for now I just request your prayers for only one thing:

THANKSGIVING!
I can not thank God enough for seeing me through this and bringing me to the other side with such a miracle!

Update: Schedule change

2011-12-28T21:58:00.000-06:00

My surgery has been pushed back a week. It will be January 3rd. I am feeling pretty good overall, physically I am pretty much back to normal from my first operation. Emotionally, I am feeling peaceful and hopeful - the lasting effects of a holiday spent with my family. Lots of good times and great food!

Thank you to everyone who has sent love, support, and prayers my way. I will update again just prior to surgery and then at some point afterwards so that you are all aware of what is going on over here. I can't say enough how much you all mean to me!

Update - Good News!

2011-12-03T16:04:00.001-06:00

Although I make no promises about keeping this blog updated, I will try. I know that there are many of you out there who want to offer up support and prayers - and I'm not in any position to refuse them! So, I wanted to let you all know of the good news I recieved at my most recent doctor's appointment yesterday.

This appointment was a Second Opinion appointment - I've met with Dr. R one other time and he wanted more tests before discussing treatment options. Many prayers and deep breaths have been taken for the past few weeks. But I still went into this appointment completely unsure of what to expect. It was almost an hour of waiting, which was excructiating.

But as soon as Dr. R walked into the room, I felt reassured. He pulled up his stool close to my chair and reached out to hold my hand. He looked me in the eyes and spoke quietly and calmly. My mom was on the phone and he tried to make sure she could hear all he was saying.

The cancer is currently labeled Stage 1 Ovarian caner.

He said he could not make me any promises, but said, "you may be one of the lucky ones". There will still be a second surgery, so that more difinitive staging can be done. He didn't even want to discuss chemo, because I may not even need it.

Since knowing that the cancer was gynecological in nature, I had been weighing my possible options about fertility. My first doctor has been resolute in her belief that a hysterectomy would be necessary. She did not see any way around it. Although I did breifly talk to Dr R. about my options, I want to share the decision I had made shortly before this appointment.

- If there will not be any chance that I can get pregnant - aka hysterectomy - then I do not want my eggs harvested. I have worked in foster care and adoption for many years now. I have no doubts about being able to love a child who is not biologically related to me. I always expected to adopt at some point. I am not attached to the idea of a biological child. I will have to grieve not being able to experience pregnancy, but I don't see it as the end of my hope to be a parent.
- If I may be able to experience pregnancy, but there is a chance my eggs may not survive chemotherapy - then I will further investigate having them harvested. But I didn't want to go down that road until we know whether I will have the option to use them myself.

I am at peace with this decision. I have always wanted to be a mother - but that is not the issue I need to face right now. There are many ways of being a mother. Dr. R. will decide if I ever get to be pregnant. While it will be sad if that option is difinitively taken away now, it was never guaranteed to me anyways. Whether or not I ever to get to be pregnant was and will always be in God's hands - hysterectomy or not.

But I do have every confidence that Dr. R will make that choice wisely based on what he can actually see - not just what the other doctors assumed. I have every hope that I will come out of my next surgery with that option. And I have faith that God is in control either way.

Dr. R said that if, during the staging surgery, cancer is found on my ovary they would not be able to harvest any eggs from it. But he also said that he didn't even want me to think about that, because "if there is no cancer, then you'll get to use them yourself". (Said very positively!) So, thankfully my decision and reality are right on target. Praise God!

All in all, this appointment was very positive and I have a lot of hope and peace about what is to come.

So, here is where we stand now:

1. Staging surgery is scheduled for late December.
2. *IF* I have to have chemo, it will not start for 4-6 weeks afterwards (mid Feb).
3. In the next few weeks I get to have every kind of test and scan in the book - EKG, blood work, another CAT, and get medically cleared for surgery.
4. I still get to go back to work on Monday!

I can not tell you all how much I appreciate and believe your prayers have helped me. I know that not everyone in my position has the kind of support that I have gotten over the last three weeks - I don't take a single email, text, Facebook message, meal or visit for granted. I ask you all to keep praying and I will try to keep updating to give you specific requests as this process goes along.

Specific Prayer Request for 12/2/11:
1. Thanks and Praise to God for a positive doctor appointment and reassuring news! For today, that is all I want to focus on!

Unexpected Changes

2011-11-21T16:54:00.001-06:00

You'd think, given my line of work, I'd be more aware of how life can change on a dime.

But nothing has prepared me for how my life changed exactly one week ago.

Last Sunday I went to the local ER with stomach pains.

One emergency surgery and some lab results later - I am diagnosed with cancer.

I am doing okay.

Healing nicely from surgery, but preparing to probably need another one.

Nervous about what to expect, but having great faith that it will turn out fine.

I am surrounded by love and support from far and wide.

Its weird to be "sick" when I don't feel sick at all.

I want to pretend that life is normal.

But it isn't.

So, I don't know when I will be blogging here again.

It might be next week, it might not be for months.

But I didn't want you all to wonder.

I am using another blog to keep people updated on what is going on with my treatment.

Its private, but if we've interacted before I'll give out the link.

Email me.

Prayers are all I need right now.

Thank you all for understanding.

ABIP 2011 - Tortoise Tales!

2011-11-18T23:24:00.001-06:00

Heather from Production, Not Reproduction, did it again folks.

Adoption Blogger Interview Project 2011!

Basically, anyone who is connected to adoption and blogs about it, could sign up to be apart of the interview project. Once everyone is signed up, they are randomly paired with another blogger.

I had the privileged to be paired up with Tortoise Mom from Tortoise Tales. We were given about a week to familiarize ourselves with each other's blogs and then write out thoughtful questions for the interview.

Toroise Mom lives in Australia and is planning to adopt through foster care. It was fascinating for me to read about foster care in another country - and Australia's system seems VERY different than ours here in the States. She has one beautiful daughter that she chose to have as a "Solo Mum by Choice" via IVF. Her daughter has some special needs, so she blogs a little about that as well. I really enjoyed reading and getting to ask her some questions - I hope you enjoy reading about them!

1. When did the idea of adoption first come to you?

I think the idea was always with me. I have a genetic condition that I never wanted to pass on so I never intended to have a biological child. I wasn’t really interested in having kids at all until my early twenties, and it was a slow realisation that this was really important to me. By my late twenties I was actively researching and planning how to become a mother and looking into intercountry adoption was my first step. There were only two intercountry adoption programs available in my state at the time. One was with India and you had to have Indian heritage to qualify (I didn’t). The other was Ethiopia and you had to be a committed Christian. I’m an atheist and I really didn’t want to lie about something so important so I decided not to pursue that. It was really important to me to do everything ethically and lying just seemed like bad juju. Not the right way to start a family for me.

Domestic adoption here is virtually non-existent in terms of children who are voluntarily relinquished. There are just a few of them each year and the authorities are quite open about their bias towards heterosexual couples for these adoptions. So that was me out on that count too.

I was very interested in foster to adoption but for a whole bunch of reasons I really felt at that time (in my late twenties/early thirties) that I didn’t have the capacity to negotiate the complex bureaucracy, fight and advocate for myself and any child/ren placed with me etc. The whole world of foster care seemed terrifying in terms of the power imbalance between foster parents and the child protection system and I had only ever read negative press and negative reports about the system. I didn’t know anyone on the inside who could support me through the process. So I chickened out.

2. I was reading some of your old posts, but skipped around a lot. Can you tell me a little about your plans to adopt from foster care and what has stopped you from moving forward?

As soon as my daughter was born I realised that she had inherited my genetic condition and that this would result in some health issues for her. What I didn’t know then was that she also was going to have live with a whole bunch of other health problems all of her very own which have made life tough for her. I also had a really difficult and disabling pregnancy. I knew that from a commonsense point of view it wouldn’t be a very good idea to go for another pregnancy and biological child (even though I have embryos in the freezer). I have always been very keen on foster to adoption and now at 40 I’m feeling relatively well equipped to navigate the system. I want to provide a happy, safe and loving home for a child who needs one and I want to parent another child and it’s of little significance to me if that child comes from my body or someone else’s.

But as you point out my plan to adopt from foster care is stalled. In myself I’m pretty much ready to go with it. But I’m in the middle of a PhD and my daughter has complex health needs and I’m a single parent and I work to pay the bills. So I’m already juggling a lot and although we manage, I think realistically I actually can’t do all that and take on the care of another child right now. My daughter’s particular health needs mean we don’t have any child care, so I can’t attend foster care training and I can’t accompany any foster child to access (which would be very important to me). I have been going backwards and forwards on this for a while but I think in the last couple of weeks I’ve come to terms with the idea of waiting about 2 years. I’ll have finished the PhD and my daughter will be in Kinder (school) so childcare won’t be an issue. I think her needs will be less intense and I’ll be a better position to take on a therapeutic placement (I tend to think that ALL foster care placements are therapeutic to some degree). Although the wait is hard now and will continue to be difficult, it feels like the right thing to do.

3. It seems like foster care in Australia is much different from the United States, especially adoption from foster care (which seems almost non-existent?). Do you know if adoption from FC as more common in the past and what changed?

Yes foster to adoption is almost non-existent here. In Victoria there is a program called Permanent Care whereby kids who are on permanent orders are formally placed with forever families. That is the closest we have to adoption but it’s distinguished from adoption by the legal status of the children involved. The permanent care parents never have complete legal parenting rights in the same way adoptive parents do. In NSW there is technically adoption from foster care but it’s so hard to get approval and support for it that only a handful of adoptions from foster care happen each year.

Generally people who want to adopt from foster care end up with what are known as Long Term or Permanent Care placements which mean that they are still involved with the department on an ongoing basis and guardianship rests with the department (via the authority of the relevant government Minister). It makes life very difficult for parents who wish to make independent parenting decisions and for the kids who are in a kind of permanent legal limbo.

It was easier to adopt from foster care in the past. I was searching in my local library catalogue for books on adoption and came across a catalogue entry for a book called “Your guide to adopting from foster care in Tasmania” circa 1981. It was published by the department so it was clearly intended to provide information and encouragement for people seeking to adopt from foster care. These days if you ask about adoption you’re viewed very suspiciously. It is seen as a kind of red mark against your name if you are applying for foster care and you start talking about adoption.

I assume that attitudes towards adoption from foster care changed about 20-30 years ago when evidence about the damage done by closed adoptions and forced/coerced adoptions began to emerge. Official policies about adoption changed completely in a very short amount of time and we still have an anti-adoption culture in Australia.

4. Is Open Adoption a common concept or practice in Australia? What are your thoughts about it?

Well, we have very very few domestic adoptions in terms of women voluntarily relinquishing their children for adoption at or near birth. I’m talking about less than 100 per year in the whole country. But the adoptions we do have are open but perhaps not in the sense that open adoption operates in the U.S. As far as I know, relinquishing parents do not meet or interview prospective adoptive parents prior to the birth and don’t have that kind of vetting responsibility. Although they do get some say in the process but it’s mostly handled by the relevant agency.

All long term or permanent care foster care and adoptions from foster care are open in the sense that even if there is little or no access there is openness about the circumstances of the children coming into care and everything arising from that. And a commitment to facilitating access on a regular (often court ordered) basis (where appropriate) is part of the deal when you sign up for long term or permanent care and even in those few cases where people manage to formally adopt from foster care.

I’m very supportive of open adoption. In Australia we have a brutal and revolting history of child stealing from people who were considered “unsuitable” mothers. We’ve stolen babies from Aboriginal mothers, from single mothers, from poor mothers and from teen mothers. Babies and children that were white enough to “pass” for while were adopted into white families and the other kids ended up in work camps or various forms of juvenile detention, almost always run by religious organisations. When the British stole children from their “unsuitable” mothers, they sent the kids here where they were typically abused and enslaved in work camps. We have a lot of evidence about the deep wounds and damage caused by forced and coerced adoption and secrecy in adoption. In the last few years we’ve had formal apologies from Parliament to try to make amends for these terrible
hurts.

5. I love the "Solo Mum by Choice" title - when did you decide that you would be a SMC? What advice would you give to women struggling to decide whether or not to become a parent without a significant other?

I can’t remember ever wanting to have children within a long term relationship or being particularly interested in the idea of marriage or long term monogamy (other than occasional adolescent daydreaming). It’s just not the way I want to live my life. But once I realised I wanted to have children I did a lot of thinking and research about the idea of having children a sole parent. I knew that the poor outcomes that are often associated with children raised in single parent households are actually due to the social circumstances that are often associated with single parent households: poverty, housing instability, unstable relationships with fathers, etc. These social circumstances are typically absent in SMC households and the research that we have about children living and growing up in SMC households is very positive. So I was very satisfied that having a child as a single
woman wasn’t a bad or selfish thing to do at all. In fact, all the evidence we have suggests that children born and raised in SMC households are generally happier and healthier than children in the general population.

I didn’t have any doubts about my own capacity to “cope” as a sole parent. Like many SMCs, I’m a confident, high achieving, educated and independent woman. I planned my family carefully and waited until I owned my own home, had an established career, good maternity leave provisions and a plan to produce income even if I reduced my working commitments after having a child. As it turned out, my own disability during pregnancy and my daughter’s unexpectedly serious health problems meant that I have relied very heavily on family and friends for support and that my career has taken a big backseat. This wasn’t expected but luckily I have been well supported and my plan was flexible enough to accommodate these circumstances. But as a woman who likes to be the helper not the
helpee, it was a shock and has been difficult at times.

Within the SMC community there are Plan A women and Plan B women. Plan A women are women who, like me, never wanted to have children within a nuclear family scenario and chose SMC as their first option. Plan B women usually say that they would have preferred to have a family within a relationship (either gay or straight) but that they didn’t find the right person in time and so they have started on their own as Plan B.

I know that lots of my fellow SMCs, particularly Plan B women, found books like Knock Yourself Up by Louise Sloan and Choosing Single Motherhood by Mikki Morrisette were very helpful resources. I didn’t feel like I needed those books because I knew what I wanted to do and didn’t have any doubts. But I did need the help of the amazing women in my online community, SMC Australia. I needed help to understand how I could access donor sperm, what my legal rights were, and every day parenting strategies suitable for SMCs. There are similar communities in the U.S. and I would urge every woman who is even considering becoming a solo mum by choice to join up the online community of your choice and talk to women who know the ropes. You won’t regret it.

Finally I would say that it’s commonplace amongst SMCs to say that no SMC ever regrets their choice, and most just wish they’d done it sooner. To that I would add that there are some very tough days and that doing it on your own can be difficult, without doubt. Just because something is the best thing you ever did and you don’t regret it for one second, doesn’t mean there won’t be bad days and you won’t have to make compromises that you never anticipated. If you are well prepared and have all your support and resources lined up, that preparation will go a long way when the inevitable bad days roll around. And then you’ll be free to revel in the wonderful times and enjoy the many pleasures that comes from doing it all on your own!

You can also head over to her blog and see the Interview she did with me here!

One Sentance Journal

2011-11-12T23:43:00.000-06:00

"There is no amount of experience

that can prepare you for that level of crazy."

- Experienced SWer,

said very matter of factly to a Newbie SWer

who was anxious about working with a very histrionic client.

CW101 - Visit Logistics

2011-11-11T23:00:00.000-06:00

The logistics of parent/child visitation may not be as hard as the emotional fallout, but I realize that it is a major cause of stress and frustration. So, I hope this post will help make things a bit clearer for those who are involved in visits.

Scheduling

Scheduling is the issue I hear brought up most often. "Its during the baby's naptime!", "They bring the kids back so late!", and "They don't even care if the weather is bad or the kid is sick" are the most common complaints I hear from foster parents. Well, here is the part where I must tell foster parents the hard truth -

Suck it up.

Visits are the single most important part of a child welfare case. It is the best chance to preserve attachment between parents and children. It is the best chance of motivating parents to turn their lives around. Frequent visits reduce the stress of reunification on the child. Visits decrease the chance that the child will be abused or neglected again.

So for all those reasons, visits need to happen as often as possible - for better or worse, rain or shine, in sickness and in health...etc. Then to top it off, caseworkers are attempting to get in all the visits for all the families on their caseloads. They are also probably trying to juggle eightymillionandfour other tasks and likely fighting for space in an agency playroom. They do not have the luxury of scheduling visits around each child's ideal time of day. Baby can sleep during a visit. Its good for us to see if Mom can successfully soothe a fussy infant. We know its not ideal to bring little kids home late in the evening, but sometimes its inevitable. Unless the child was sick enough to stay home from school and also laid around listlessly all day visits are still important - parents can dispense t*lenol and most kids are still up for playing even if they aren't in tip top shape.

I know that sometimes less than ideal scheduling means a child who is cranky or tired or wound up all night. But this is one of those things where I beg foster parents to look at the long term benefits, rather than the short term frustrations.
Now, if you are willing to transport the kids or supervise visits (both of which I highly recommend) then obviously your schedule should be taken into account. But if not, and sometimes even if you are, this is still not about you. Its about maintaining a relationship between the parents and children.

So, I beg you to remember that you chose to become a foster parent - and its a big part of the job. (I don't like to throw out the "you chose this so don't complain" card often, but this is one area where I feel justified.)

Frequency

In my state/county parents are entitled to visits once per week for an hour at an absolute minimum. The younger the child - the more visits they should have, if possible. It might seem counter-intuitive, but a baby needs even more frequent contact with their parents to maintain a connection.

I went to a training recently, that was given by a woman who was a foster parent and who researched positive outcomes in foster care. She firmly preached that children should "make contact" with their parents every single day. In person contact preferably. She talked about how it was less important that the time be "quality" each time - sometimes it just might be a brief 10 minutes after school, or maybe 30 minutes of lunch, or at the very least a phone call. She talked about how those frequent little contacts, with some longer more quality visits less frequently, greatly reduced the negative behavior that most children exhibit after visits. She also talked about how quickly it became apparent whether or not the parents were going to be able to resume parenting responsibilities. That when parents were given frequent contact, they either quickly got themselves into services and made progress or they fell off and realized for themselves that they were not prepared to parent. I was seriously amazed by her stories. I've gotten to see a couple of examples in my own cases, mostly with relative caregivers who are open to the parents coming to their home everyday. The children are much more stable and well adjusted. I truly wish more people would embrace this level of openness.

Unfortunately most agencies haven't "bought into" this idea and most foster parents aren't comfortable with opening up their lives to that level of contact with birth parents. I'm lucky that we work with a lot of relative foster parents, so sometimes we get pretty close to that ideal. But, frequency will be probably be once a week in the beginning. As the case moves closer to reunification, frequency increases. When visits go from being supervised to unsupervised, there is usually a decent jump in frequency and length of visits shortly afterwards. I'll talk more about this when I write about moving towards reunification. Visits decrease as the case moves away from reunification. But where I work, parents are entitled to weekly visits until the courts officially change the goal away from reunification. See my post on "Court Goals" to better understand our court set goal system.

Location

Most of the time, its best to start visits in the agency office. This is important because you never know how parents or children will react to a visit. Things are easier to control in the office, rather than out in the community or in the parent's or foster parent's home. But as quickly as possible, visits should move out of the office playroom. Because really, the ability to see how parents really interact with their children is pretty limited in a 10X10 room full of toys. So, then there are a range of other options:

Parents' home - This is where we try to move visits as soon as possible, assuming that the physical space is safe and appropriate. Its a more natural location for the parent and the child. It lends itself to the parent being able to do normal "parent stuff" like cook a meal, hang out playing with the kids' own toys, etc. I've heard people object to this option because "its where the abuse/neglect happened" or "its too hard for the kids to leave". But I have rarely seen it actually be a problem if it happens quickly after removal. Remember - most children aren't consciously aware that abuse or neglect happened. It was "normal" to them. So, the environment where the abuse/neglect happened isn't generally traumatic. It may be hard for them to leave at first, but when routine and repetition, it usally gets easier.

Foster home - This is easily interchangable with the parents' home as the next best place for visits to occur. For all the same reasons - parents get to actually "parent" their kids! They can help cook or serve meals, assist with homework, give kids a bath, tuck them into bed, etc. That is the parenting part that can't be recreated by visits in a neutral location. And it is those things that both allows the parents to demonstrate their skill, reveals areas that need support, and creates closer bonds between parents and children. Attachement isn't created by trips to the zoo and McD's - its those little moments throughout the day, the routines, the "boring" stuff that most people take for granted. This is why I push people to consider opening their homes to children's parents. Because it is better for the child to have those moments with their parents. It is better for the child to have their parent "parenting" them instead of mommy or daddy just becoming the person who meets them at playland.

Community - If the parents' home isn't appropriate yet and the foster parents aren't willing to let visits occur in their homes, we often move visits to the community. I despise McDonald's visits, but sometimes they are the best we can do during our long cold winters. We also often use libraries, parks in summer, and occasionally other random locations. These locations can be good for observing parent/child interactions - they give caseworkers the chance to see how closely parents watch and manage children in a less structured environment. But they aren't natural settings and don't lend themselves to teaching parents to do basic daily childcare.

Supervision

Visits are usually supervised by agency workers in the beginning. We often make exceptions for relative caregivers to supervise some visits too. But it is important for the caseworkers to observe the parents and kids together frequently. At my agency, caseworkers must supervise visits at least 2x a month so that they can acurately report in court. To be honest, most parents are on their best behavior at visits. I've rarely had to terminate a visit early due to the parents' behavior. In fact, I don't think I ever have.

Once its determined to be appropriate, other people can be allowed to supervise visits. We often approve family members - even if the child isn't placed with family. The importance of remaining within eyesight of the parent and child is stressed and the supervisor is told to encourage the parent to do as much of the parenting as possible. Sometimes parents need redirecting to remind them to pay more attention to their child than the other adults in the room. They may also need help disciplining the kids because they haven't learned how or because they are too nervous to do anything while being watched.

I love when non-relative foster parents are also willing to supervise visits, whether in the foster home or not. When biological and foster parents work together, the benefits to both children and both sets of parents is amazing. Even when there are concerns about safety, lack of progress, etc - I truly believe that foster parents and parents working together gives children the best chance of coming out of the system (one way or another) with less trauma.

I feel like this post has gotten long enough at this point. I will follow up tomorrow with the definition of "safe and appropriate" visits - which will hopefully answer some of your questions about why visits are allowed to continue when parents come under the influence, or when they aren't watching the child close enough, or are off their medication.

Please ask any questions you have about what I've already posted and I'll follow up on the next post!

Irony

2011-11-10T23:46:00.001-06:00

Irony - Today I experienced the worst ending to a parent/child visit ever. So, I apologize but these posts just couldn't get written tonight. My whole body hurts...and my heart is weary too.

I'll be back with the visitation posts tomorrow I promise!

Visit Posts and Another Request!

2011-11-09T21:52:00.001-06:00

At the suggestion of Denver Laura, I think I will split this topic into three sections.

The first will be "Visit Logistics" - What happens at visits, recommended frequency, who attends, who schedules, who supervises, etc.

The second part will be "Visits & Behavior" - What are "normal" child reactions, when should foster and bio parents meet, what should foster parents do before/during/after visits, what are parents told before the first visits, why do foster kids still see parents still on drugs, transportation, safety, etc.

Lastly will be a post on "Visit Progression" - how visits change as children return home, how visits change near termination, post-adoption visits, etc.

And what about a "Talking about Visits" post? How to explain why parents don't show up at visits? How to talk about why parents make promises they can't keep? What other topics get brought up by visits that you aren't always sure how to explain to a child?

I was wondering about starting a series of posts about how foster & adoptive parents can talk to children about some of the "hard truths" of foster care and adoption. One of the posts might be all about how to talk to kids and prepare them for visits and it could jump start a series about how to talk to them about:

-How to explain their parents choices?
-How to explain the reasons they came into care?
-How to explain their "life story" at different ages?
-How to explain adult topics like drug use, mental illness, criminal behavior, sexual abuse, poverty, etc.

Would that be helpful? What other conversations do people have trouble figuring out to talk to their children about? This isn't just for foster and adoptive parents - if there are birth parents who aren't sure how to explain certain topics - please ask away! Any other social workers out there wondering how to explain something to a child? Or how to explain it to a birth/foster/adoptive parent so they can talk to their child?Please be as specific as possible - hypotheticals are fine, but I really want these posts to be helpful. And if you are especially interested in some of the questions I've already come up with above - please tell me! That way I will be sure to touch on them sooner rather than later.

Please feel free to email me if these questions are personal or confidential. I am happy to answer them and not give out names. I can be contacted at Socialwrkr_247@live.com .

The first of the Visitation series will be up tomorrow! Feel free to post more questions on that topic here or on the original post!

Visitation Stress

2011-11-08T22:49:00.000-06:00

Parent / Child visitation is one of the most controversial issues that I deal with in Child Welfare. Today I spent over 45 minutes on the phone with a foster parent, mostly going around in circles about visits. I also had an awkward conversation with a birth mom about whether or not she will get to see her child on the actual holidays. Nothing seems to get people as riled up as the ins and outs of how visits work. I see it in the blog-o-sphere too. Mostly its about how visits work when children are in foster care. But also sometimes about how visits should look after adoption. (Both foster-adoption or domestic open adoption) There are always a range of opinions and questions about visits.

What are visits like?
When should they increase?
What is "normal" behavior after children return from visits?
When should visits be cut back?
Who should decide when visits are scheduled?
Who should participate in visits?
What should the "rules" of visits be?
How do visits change as a case nears reunification?
How do visits change as a case nears termination/adoption?

I want to write a post (or maybe a series of posts) about visitation. What questions do you all have? Foster parents? Social workers? Birth parents? Which of the above do you really want to hear about? Are there other questions or concerns that you've wondered about? Please give me feedback!

New Perspecitive (aka Fighting Burn Out)

2011-11-06T20:12:00.000-06:00

Yesterday I spent some time with two co-workers. Its always nice to hang out with other social workers. I have a few really good social worker friends, and they just GET IT. For part of the night we talked about the insane few weeks I've been having. They hear bits and pieces as I fly through the office but they wanted all the details last night.

I've had a rough few weeks. Children disrupting from placements. Hotline calls to parents whose children have been returned home. Meeting with parents to tell them that their children will not ever be coming home. Having to call the police to physically break down a door in order to hospitalize a mother having a psychotic break - twice.

Then we had a staff meeting at my agency last week where the program director seemed dumbfounded to learn that most caseworkers don't just work 9-5 and only on weekdays. (Even I, a supervisor, have worked some portion of every weekend for the last 3 months.) I almost laughed out loud except that it made me furious.

In truth, I have been coming home emotionally drained. I love my job, but it has been an almost never ending stream of crisis and bad news lately.

I'm not feeling burned out... yet. When I am at work, I feel focused and energized. Ready to take on the world. But I come home and the adrenaline rush crashes ... big time. I know I need to take care of myself or I won't be able to keep this up. My westcoast twin recently wrote a sadly accurate post about how terrible we social workers are at self care.

But I'm making some attempts to be better about it.

Quitting my part time job was the first step. I agreed to stay on as an occasional substitute, so that makes my panic a little bit less. But I'll be able to pick and choose when I decide to work, which makes me feel so very relieved. I also am hoping to do some babysitting for a little cash. Cross your fingers for me!

I am going to start going to yoga again. I bought a Groupon for my favorite yoga spot a few months ago, but have been too busy and tired to use it. I am going to try to start this week. I want to go at least three times a week but hope it will be more like five times a week. Its an ambitious goal - but I know those hours of deep breathing will do wonders for my mindset.

I am going to be better about spending time with friends. No more working on weeknights means I can make more plans with people who lift my spirits and make me laugh. It also means I can spend a little more time with my four-legged friends! My dogs will be very happy to see me home more often. I vow to take them on longer walks and maybe even attempt to teach them "fetch" again.

Lastly (and least likely to actually happen) I am going to cook at home more often. I eat out way too often and usually while driving. (I know - SO not safe Heather!) I need to eat healthier and cooking at home will hopefully encourage me. Also, with my reduced income it just isn't feasible to eat out as much as I have in the past few years.

Help me stay accountable to these resolutions - won't you friends? Also, if you can think of any other good ways to spend me new free time and take better care of myself - please feel free to comment! :)

Two second post

2011-11-05T21:35:00.002-05:00

(Okay, this post wasn't supposed to be blank. Apparently blogging from my phone is not fool proof.)

I quit my part time job today.

I'm equal parts elated and terrified by the changes ahead.

I can't wait to sleep in on a Saturday for the first time in forever.

I have no idea how anyone is getting any Christmas presents this year.

It is the best thing I have done for myself in approximately 4 years.

I am really happy for myself.

So True

2011-11-04T20:44:00.000-05:00

For anyone who has ever suffered from Depression, or anyone who has ever tried and failed to understand why their loved one is depressed, this is the most accurate and hilarious account ever:

Adventures in Depression

At least, that is how it was for me. Plus 5 years of therapy. :)

Holding my breath

2011-11-03T23:45:00.000-05:00

Today was a very scary day. One of the scariest I have experienced yet.

Today I recommended that a child stay with their mother.

Okay, let me back track because that probably didn't seem all that shocking to most of you...

A number of months ago, we returned nine year old David home to his mother. He had been in care for about a year and his mom had completed every service we'd requested of her. Since he'd returned home, the caseworker had been out to the home frequently and had no concerns. We had just scheduled a meeting to discuss closing the case completely.

And then we got a phone call.

A report that things were not good in the home.

A report that David could be hurt.

And so we spoke to everyone involved - some things were admitted, others were not. At the end of the investigation it was clear that more services were needed.

But I walked into court today and advocated that David should stay with his mother.

She has agreed to re-engage in services.

She's already complied with the tasks we requested of her in the last few weeks.

But a number of people at court wanted David to come back into foster care. They believe that his mother has been hiding these issues for a long time. They believe that she told him to lie. They believe that he could get seriously hurt.

I believe all those things too.

But I still believe he should stay with his mother.

I believe we should give them a chance to work through this together.

Today a judge agreed with me. Many, many safegaurds were put into place. David's mom was given a strong warning that one mistake could cost her custody of her son. She cried and promised to do whatever was asked of her.

But after I left the courthouse today, I couldn't stop thinking about all the risks we are taking. The risk that she won't be able to overcome her problems. The risk that David could get hurt. The risk that we would be wrong. The risk that we would be blamed for something terrible happening.

I thought about how much easier it would be (for us) if David came back into foster care. He'd be in a home that we approved. We would have more "control" over his living environment. We wouldn't worry as much about whether he was being hurt.

Those are all false assumptions of control of course. Children are hurt in foster care. We still wouldn't know if he was getting hurt unless he told us. But we certainly would feel a bit more secure knowing that wasn't in a home where those risks have already been admitted to be happening.

It would be better for us.

But I don't believe it would be better for David. It might be less physically risky. But it would be emotionally devestating. He might be physically safe. But he would still be scared. He might be with more capable parents. But he wouldn't have someone he knew to comfort him.

While I have a lot of confidence that David's mom will overcome these challenges, I could be wrong.

So, today I do not regret our decision.

But I am holding my breath.

Obligatory National Adoption Month Post

2011-11-02T21:56:00.000-05:00

(Day Two - I'm already at a loss... not really of content, just a lack of energy really. I have lots of things I want to post about, a list actually! But I am absolutely worn out at the end of the work days recently. So, tonight's post might be a little rambling - but I will try to get myself together and write meaningful posts.)

I feel obligated to blog about National Adoption Month tonight.

I have mixed feelings about National Adoption Month, as I'm sure many of you could guess. My hesitancy is not even about how the original intent has been hijacked by domestic and internal adoption. The bigger concern for me is that promoting adoption from Foster Care sends a very mixed message.

The first point I really want to make is this: I love adoption from Foster Care. I probably don't act like it all the time, because in all honesty I wish it wasn't needed. But it IS needed and I am so grateful for foster parents who open their homes and hearts to children who need a family.

I have known and loved many children who needed an adoptive family because their biological parents simply were not able to care for them. I have only been to three adoption ceremonies - but I cried buckets of joy at all of them! I have also known many children who desperately needed families - and no one ever stepped up for them. These children truly do langish in foster care - in group homes, transitional living programs, and eventually age out without someone to be a continued support in their life. There is a desperate need for people to step up and adopt children from foster care.

Children from foster care are often not "ideal" candidates for adoption. They have experienced significant trauma, there is often significant risk in the process, and lets face it - dealing with the system SUCKS.

But nonetheless, people do it. They take the risk and they take on a child who has special needs (cause they almost all do) and they deal with the crazy system - and a family is created.

I love it.

But the flip side of promoting adoption from foster care is that many people sign up to be foster parents in hopes that they will get to adopt the child placed in their home. I see this as completely different than those who attempt to adopt a "waiting child" and who do not want to foster. People who sign up to become foster parents, listen to the schpeel about reunification being the priority of foster care, and then cross their fingers that the child will become available for adoption.

I hate that.

I don't think its honest or genuine to say "We want to adopt, but are willing to foster and see what happens". Yes, it is true that many children in foster care end up being available for adoption and the "first chance" goes to their current foster parents. But that doesn't mean its okay to take a child into your home and then secretly hope and pray that their parents don't get their act together, overcome their challenges, and make it possible for their child to return to their care.

And the truth is that most biological families will never be "as good" as a family who is hoping to adopt from foster care. They will probably not work full time professional jobs, they will likely continue to live in bad neighborhoods, and its not unusual for them to continually struggle with addiction or mental health issues. And it is very hard for most people to truly support the ongoing process of attempting reunification when they also want to adopt.

So, I have mixed feelings about a month that promotes "Adopt from Foster Care!" when I work every day to try to put families back together. These families (and I) already have enough working against a successful reunification - we don't need foster parents who are secretly waiting for it all to fail too.

So, if you want to promote National Adoption Month - please send people right here:

Adopt Us Kids

These are children who are currently waiting for a family. For most of them, it has already been determined that they can not live with their family of origin. They really NEED a committed forever family.

But, if you want to be a support to a family by caring for their child until they are able to do so - then please, please, PLEASE consider being a foster parent. We sure could use you!

(PS- Please submit some comments/questons/ideas for NaBloPoMo posts!)

We'll see...

2011-11-01T13:57:00.001-05:00

Ok, I'm doing it -

NaBloPoMo that is.

I really have gone back and forth about it.

I did great the first year I tried! I got all the way to day 28 I think!

Last year I sucked - I'm not even sure I made it a week.

But I've had a lot going on that I really do want to blog. (I started a list of blog posts a few weeks ago!)

So, I'm going to give it a go.

Please feel free to leave questions, comments, blog ideas - ANYTHING!

I'm really hoping to make it all 30 days this time.

We'll see... :)

Luxury

2011-09-13T07:00:00.000-05:00

Today I realized something that I really hadn't before - Being a good parent is a not a "given" and not everyone has the "same oppurtunity". No matter what anyone wants to say when they rant about that parent yelling at her child in Tar-jay. Or when the teacher notices all the processed junk food in a child's lunchbox. Or when a neighbor judges the woman down the street for the state of her children's toys or clothes. Parents don't start out at blank slates when they give birth. The kind of parent you will be is made up of many, many factors that either work in your favor or against it. And the parents I work with are often in a deficit before they even concieve their first child. For example: