Beauty: That which reflects the creativity, nature, or character of God.

I will be looking for beauty this weekend, kind friends.

What he sees on the outside is so different from what I’m experiencing on the inside I don’t know how to respond.

How can I tell him that in [...]]]> I lean up against his cubicle wall as he glances my way and says, “You look like you don’t have a care in the world.”

What he sees on the outside is so different from what I’m experiencing on the inside I don’t know how to respond.

How can I tell him that in a 24 hour span I’ve talked with broken families, abandoned children, grieving widows, ailing grandparents, splintering marriages, and struggling up-and-comers? The weight of it all presses heavy and I grieve for every single one of them. If I were to give way to my emotions I could produce tears enough to flood the office floor.

But against the weight of all of this suffering something pushes back. I feel it deep in my chest as if there is a steam valve ready to burst open. The weight of glory bolsters the weight of suffering I remain upright and smiling because He is that good.

And on a day of wonderful news for me, news that would have resulted in a family celebration and phone calls and a special night out, I’m grateful for an evening at home to snuggle my babies and sleep warm and soft next to my husband.

Love is hard. Sin weighs heavy. And people run from God and chase freedom right into a tar pit of slavery. They want answers: how do I parent my children, overcome my addiction, save my marriage, or just keep breathing in the midst of it all? I don’t have an answer and I don’t know anything other than a God made flesh who dwelt among us.

That God-man, I know he is good. These days have been so full of beauty, grace, and glory I want to say, “Stop Lord! I can’t handle any more of you,” but then I fear He might listen and I can’t live without him so I’m left trying to hold all of his overflowing goodness.

This is a secret place, a holy of holies that words cannot express. For all those suffering I want to hand them a cup running over and say, “Here, there’s more than enough.”

A few who know these sacred moments lift me higher when they say in their suffering, “I’m drawing ever nearer, not to personal perfection, but to God.”

And others, they want an answer and an end to pain but I don’t have anything to offer except to say, “Here. Drink. Taste and see.”

I’m suspended here, held in place between the weight of suffering and the light of glory — content to stay as long as He goes with me.

Linking today with Jennifer, Emily, and Beth

I feel a hesitation deep within and I want to tell her no, to explain the path she’s taking doesn’t lead where she really wants to go. But [...]]]> She says it over a cup of coffee in a long conversation about life, love, and faith. “I just want to make choices that please God.”

I feel a hesitation deep within and I want to tell her no, to explain the path she’s taking doesn’t lead where she really wants to go. But in the moment it feels so much like heresy I can’t even say the words.

The more I come to know God, the more I see of Him in his word, and the more I understand myself, I know I cannot please Him. After all, isn’t that what we say we believe? Jesus died to pay a debt we couldn’t pay? We can’t earn his love or forgiveness or salvation? It’s all a gift — a gift that is offered to anyone who will take it.

But we still leave our church pews and morph into our real lives where we live like we have to please him at every turn. There are those who live in fear that every decision will be one that leaves Him dissatisfied. We act as if a particular movie, outfit, or purchase can change our standing before a holy God.

Many insightful souls have recognized this fallacy in the church and have run hard from its slavery. They are the unafraid, the wild at heart, the life-livers and the passion-feelers and the chains of the church are too much weight to bear. Many of us are still in the pews only because we seek the comfort of rules and are willing to sacrifice our freedom on the altar of safety and right-ness.

But what does it say in that Book where we pretend to find all these rules? It actually says our right-ness is like filthy rags. It says that everyone falls short. Is says there is no way to really please Him with our choices.

After millennia of prescribing the Hebraic system of sacrifices and rituals to prepare people for the reality of the Word, God split time and eternity with a thundering “It is finished!” and in the finishing said “Enough!” Not enough with sin, failure, wrong choices, and displeasing lifestyles, instead He said “enough” with striving, trying, earning, and living in mere shadows of the reality of I AM. On the day the veil was torn, he completed the declarative of who He is with “I AM … ENOUGH.”

The theme of our song is no longer, “How do I please him?” but has become, “I am complete in Him!” And that Book we read is very clear the only measure of our standing before Him is whether we rest in Him and whether we love our neighbor.

I once asked, “God, what must I do to please you?” but no longer. I’ve accepted that I can’t. Today, I ask only to know Him better and to love my neighbor more. I’ve written it on my walls and I’ve asked it in my prayers, “Lord help me to consider others more important than myself.”

He has shown me love. He has filled me up in the places where I am still lacking. And the only path to the words “Well done, good and faithful servant” are through the doors of relationship and love.

“I have the best job in the world,” the woman to my left [...]]]> I watched the hotel breakfast room fill with people as I finished my morning meal. Seats were becoming scarce and two kind faces asked to share my table, followed by a third. We all sat together and began introductions.

“I have the best job in the world,” the woman to my left said with a smile, “I work in the schools and write a little bit for the paper and work with several organizations in our community.” Her friend wouldn’t let that description stand. “She’s amazing!” she announced. “She teaches in the schools and coordinates with different agencies in our community to get people help they need. She is a wonderful person, an inspiration!” Her friend glowed with love and admiration.

“What about you?” I asked the beaming friend, “What’s going on in your life?”

She halted shyly, looked at her toast and smiled. “Friday was my last day at the insurance company I’ve worked at for many years. Monday, I start as a chaplain at a home for the mentally disabled.”

“Wow!” I said, “Tell me more about that.”

She had started volunteering years ago and eventually was given a part-time position. Now, two positions were being combined to create a full-time spot. She was beaming with anticipation.

I turned to my right to ask the third lady seated at our table, “What’s your story?”

“I work with local churches and organizations to direct people to help that’s already available in our community, I’m a liaison of sorts.” Her words were pointed and direct. “Our dream is to convert an empty hospital building into a centralized location for social services in our community. It would be a one stop shop for everything from job training to recovery meetings to a food pantry. There’s a community in Michigan doing something similar. That’s our model.”

I was in awe. It was like a portal had been opened to the real kingdom of God and I was sitting in it — eating a bagel slathered in strawberry cream cheese and listing to three ordinary women who had transformed into mighty warriors before me. My eyes welled with tears and I had to fight them back because I couldn’t explain how their simple explanations opened my eyes to an essence I had never seen before.

It was as if God shouted in my mind, “Look around you! This is beauty. This is love. This is what my kingdom come looks like. If you want to see true greatness, this is it!”

Sometimes, God will open your eyes to a spiritual reality that once existed for you only in the hypothetical. It’s like getting to know him all over again.

It was a pivotal moment that I will look back on and say, “One Saturday morning at a hotel breakfast table in Nebraska, I finally understood the kingdom of God. I saw love and service and beauty put on skin and become more than theology and Bible study and theoretical truth. The kingdom of God has a soft voice and a kind smile and it gets out of bed on Monday morning to do what it does — love people.”

The entire weekend held similar discovery. Everyone had a story. They were either fighting a hard battle within or they were fighting for the souls of others around them. There was no pretense. There was no self-inflation. There were just simple stories of real women (and a few men) fighting the good fight in their own communities in the love of God.

The speakers were wonderful. But the message I took away from Jumping Tandem did not come from the platform or from the organizers or from a book. I saw the Spirit of God in his people in a way I’d never seen it before. I walked away believing that the Church can actually be what God intended. I saw that there are women all across our country serving and loving and doing quietly amazing things. I was blessed to be counted among them.

Linking today with Jennifer and Emily

For you in the in-between shadows where light only reminds you of your present darkness, [...]]]> For you who have battled the long dark of self-hate, addiction or depression and have emerged triumphant, every day is a victory. You have stepped into the light — enjoy its warmth with gratitude. You are an inspiration.

For you in the in-between shadows where light only reminds you of your present darkness, take comfort knowing shadows can only exist in the presence of light. Keep moving forward. There are many who have traveled the path before you and have emerged into luminous brilliance. They will show you the way if you will be brave enough to follow.

For those of you in pitch black, know that the darkness will not last forever. You are loved, even if you don’t feel it or see it. Nothing is as it appears in the dark. Maybe today, it’s enough to admit that things look very black where you are but someday, you’d like to enjoy the sun. You were made for it you know, to live in the light. It may be hard and it will be struggle, but it will be worth it.

More thoughts inspired by my sister’s marathon, and a few other brave souls I know.

And today, when the crowd hushes as the national anthem plays it hits me, “This is a holy [...]]]> There were dark days. Days when we didn’t know if she would make it. Days when we didn’t know if she wanted to make it. We prayed and cried and wrung our hands and prayed some more.

And today, when the crowd hushes as the national anthem plays it hits me, “This is a holy moment.” And the tears run hot down my face and drip on my chest as people are stilled.

There were dark days.

But today she’s strong and smiling and beautiful — ready to take on 26 miles with confidence. And when I asked her why she does it, why she trains and sweats and endures the pain she wells and swells and overflows and says, “There were so many days when I was at war with my body.”

Now, her body is her ally not her enemy. It allows her to do things we never imagined when she was a baby fighting for breath in an oxygen tent.

I’m still crying silently as the final words ring, “… and the home of the brave.”

She is. And today is a victory.

Linking with Jennifer, Duane, and Shelly

At times I wonder if all my effort toward spiritual growth is narcissism. Sometimes I focus so intently on my own spiritual improvement, the object of all of my affections becomes me. And instead growing closer to God and others, the path continual personal introspection leads to a life of isolation, inward focus, [...]]]>

At times I wonder if all my effort toward spiritual growth is narcissism. Sometimes I focus so intently on my own spiritual improvement, the object of all of my affections becomes me. And instead growing closer to God and others, the path continual personal introspection leads to a life of isolation, inward focus, and selfishness.

For the Christian, Jesus is King. God is the center of our universe and we are nothing more than grateful benefactors of His benevolent rule.

In light of this, true spiritual growth is not the improvement of self but death to self.

It’s here that Christianity diverges from other belief systems. Christianity is not journey of self-improvement to reach a higher plane. It doesn’t try harder to earn God’s favor. To the contrary, Christians surrender their lives to the Maker of all things and acknowledge His right to their entire person.

You see, I am not my own, I was bought at a price.

And so every day is a battle, but it’s a different battle than many imagine. It’s not a battle to be a better person than yesterday. It’s not a checklist of old things to stop and new things to start.

It’s a battle to die.

It’s a great paradox in which the first become last, death brings about life, and sacrifice brings about supreme joy.

For you have died and your life is hidden with Christ in God. (Colossians 3:3)

For Meditation
Colossians 3:1-17

Linking today with Emily

He has substituted himself in my place, met me in my sin [...]]]>

Photo taken at the Carol Joy Holling Center in Ashland, Nebraska

Our temptation is to convince ourselves that we are great, gifted and all-around good folks. But the more we see of God the less we can affirm our own greatness. If we have any confidence, it is in Christ who is in us.

He has substituted himself in my place, met me in my sin and weakness. He equips me according to His good pleasure. There is nothing good in me apart from Him.

This view of ourselves is contrary to everything our self-help, you-can-do-it, believe-in-yourself culture teaches us. However, if we truly cling to Jesus as our everything, we will finally see what it is to be strong, kind, generous, unflappable and effective in everything that really matters.

Scripture for Meditation:
Isaiah 64

A special thank you my wonderful friends from the Jumping Tandem retreat. You have encouraged me to take these short snippets from my journals and publish them as is, without stories or illustrations to amplify them. I hope to make this a regular thing, as I have more to share with you. These 124 words were written at the breakfast table on Saturday morning before we started our full day together. You have inspired me. Through you I have seen the value, beauty, and glory in women gathered together under the banner of Christ.

Love,
Eyvonne

God has been moving — speaking things too deep for words.

I wasn’t prepared for what ‘glory‘ would do to me.

I grip the steering wheel and [...]]]> The days here have been silent. My words have been few because I have been standing on holy ground.

God has been moving — speaking things too deep for words.

I wasn’t prepared for what ‘glory‘ would do to me.

I grip the steering wheel and point my car toward the office as hymns fill the cabin. Powerful voices surround me and I experience the greatness of God in new ways as I listen. I long to join in adding my voice to the music that matches the beauty that resonates from my speakers.

For a moment I lament my lack-luster singing voice and my inability to express the greatness of God in such a transferable way.

And sitting in church it comes to me again, “Why Lord can’t I praise you this way… in a way that would lift you high to those around me?”

A subtle answer forms deep within. It rings with truth, depth, and conviction. He says it gently but the tiny spark ignites dry kindling in my soul, “I want you to live your life the way this music makes you feel.”

It’s as if everything I’ve ever known about worship has become darkness and shadow.

A question fans the flames into an inferno, “Do you live your life like I am as good as you say I am?”

My life ought to be a song. And just as songs have rhyme, rhythm, melody, harmony, and dissonance, so should life. And maybe, just maybe, I’ve been denied the gift of an inspired singing voice to make better use of the gift I have, this one life lived for the greatness of God.

What if, by granting me the ability to express my worship in traditional ways, I would be left satisfied to proclaim the greatness of God only with my mouth? What if it would preclude desire to express with my life what I experience in the presence of powerful worship in song?

God is dealing with me in this. I’m still working it out in my day-to-day. But I know that if my life is to be about His glory then I must live with the conviction that He is good and it must color my every interaction.

“Behold, God is my salvation, I will trust and not be afraid; For the Lord God is my strength and song, And He has become my salvation.” (Isaiah 12:2 NASB)