F028's Notebook

New Year 2021

2021-01-24T06:46:00.005+08:00

I know resolutions and other stuff are now long overdue, the month's just about to end, but hey, this is me, and I'm always just in time.

I know I have been out of the radar for quite a while now since the pandemic, and I thank the people who still got their way to stay connected with me. I'm sorry 'coz I just can't reciprocate. I know I have been trying to remain connected to some people, but I guess my tryin' stayed only in my head. So, I'm sorry 'coz I am not sure if I still know how to communicate properly with people, now.

Another thing I wanna mention, yeah, I received a lot of gifts last Christmas, so, thanks again to those people who remembered to include me in their lists. I don't think I deserved all that, but I am really thankful, even with the littlest things I received. I wanna mention you all, but I just don't know how to reach and thank all of you, and I know this is unfair 'coz I don't know if you guys would even be able to read this. At least I tried? Nah, this is just a clumsy, lame excuse. I just suck with communicating with people. And I am really sorry, if I weren't even able to message you on your messaging apps.

To be honest, I really feel disconnected to the world for a long time now. I know there are some of you who ask how I do, and I know my uniform answer is I'm alright, if ever, I was able to answer back. But really, I don't know. Am I okay if I can only sleep for around 2-3 hours at night, if ever I am able to get a sleep at all, or even a nap? But hey, I'm still functioning, and surviving the day! Am I okay, if there are times I find myself stoic, or emotionless, of whatever that is happening around me? Am I okay, if I am constantly arguing to an imaginary voice of myself inside my head? Am I okay trying to smile through all these? Am I okay getting mad on every little thing I am never in control of? Am I okay being so confused, and losing track of everything I have in mind, or generally losing me? Am I okay trying to shout as hard as I can while my head is dug deep in my pillow, or shouting in my mind, while watching random netflix series, or while I am talking with people. Am I okay with tears dripping through my cheeks, without knowing why? Am I okay saying I am okay even with all of these? I don't know. But my answer is yeah, with a little shrugging, I am okay. So thank you for checking out on me. Really.. Thank you..

Writing has always been my escape, my partner. I guess this is the best way to communicate again to the world, and to you, my peeps. Don't mind my ranting, I just hope that you are all well, too. I don't know if I owe anyone this explanation, but I just kinda feel like, I wanna do this thing, again.

I miss you all. I want all shits happening in the world now be over. I wish the days when all of us are genuinely happy, and I know most of you still are. I envy you! Keep it up! Don't worry, I know God is still hugging me right now, and giving me the best comfort I could ever ask for. He is the best!

To wrap this up, or to short cut this whole message, One, I just miss you all. Two, I am sorry, if I'm not able to keep in touch. Three, thank you, for remembering me from time to time, if ever I really crossed your minds, yeah my wishful thinking, lols! And three point one, I am really thankful I have you guys in my life - in real life, and nowadays, virtually. Especially you, the one who read this far, thank you for listening to my mindless rant, heehee. You the best! Thank you!

Mobile Legends: Bang Bang! - Brawl Game (Gameplay)

2019-03-10T16:52:00.000+08:00

Mobile Legends: Bang Bang! - Brawl Game (Gameplay). This is my first try. LOL!!

Hero: Sun

Not my Interview with God

2019-03-02T01:15:00.000+08:00

I have been suffering depression for years now. And it's quite lonely and dragging and heavy.

I remember, two years ago, probably 2017, during a celebration of my birthday I didn't ask for, I wished for one morbid wish. I wished it would be my last birthday.

Last year, first week of June 2018, I was rushed to the hospital. I think I already made a journal entry about this event, too. At first, I was thankful, because I thought I was already being taken up to Him. I was wrong. Turns out it was an episode of my GERD or possibility of upper GI bleeding. I felt scared that time. I felt scared I might have an even dreadful disease.

Thank goodness, I had none.

During that ordeal, I remembered what I wished for the year before that. I thought that wish is nearing to be granted. I realized I should have not done that. It was petty, it was stupid, it was my depression.

But the story didn't end there. Or so I thought I am already on my path becoming for a new me.

But the sickness persisted. The entire remainder of the year, I spent in the house, in my room, on my bed. Having foot or knee or joint problem. Also having liver problem, due to my incessant taking of medication because of the foot or knee or joint problem.

It is affecting my job, and my everyday life.

I thought 2019, the new year, would just be the same. Just the continuation of all my pains and sufferings. My depression is persistent, foot, knee, and joint problem persisted, and suddenly out of nowhere, I experienced a stomachache that I never before encountered. Got me really, really scared.

Now, it got me thinking, maybe this time, what I expected dreadful disease last year, is happening now. It just keeps on running through my head. I can't escape it. Even when I feel totally normal, it's like I'm searching for that pain in my body trying to confirm on my own if I am sick. Then I would feel it again. A doctor of mine told me that what I possibly feel is caused by my stress. He told me to reach out, relax, and try to do things as normally as I can, 'cause he knows that I am already too scared to even try to live normally again. I'm scared to go out and walk, thinking I might hurt myself again. I don't know, but everything I've been thinking about lately, is my demise.

There was a time when I was really down, I had a dream. I dreamed of praying to God for a miracle, to convince a non-believer that He is real. That miracle happened in my dream, and then, I secretly prayed for another miracle, and that miracle be my healing. The statue of Virgin Mary then gazed at me, as if she was telling me that the time for my miracle will come. When I woke up, it gave me relief from everything painful in me.

But still, the dark episodes were there.

Tonight, I am alone in the living room. I usually play games to keep me occupied, but I chose to watch a movie. I watched a movie which I downloaded in my PC some time ago. I believe this movie even got erased when I formatted my drive and I just had to redownload it, even if I have no idea if I'm gonna watch it.

I watch this movie - Interview with God.

To be honest, when the scene God told the interviewer that his time is almost up, I broke down. Because I was thinking of the exact same thing that I might just be in denial that my time is almost up. That no one knows when salvation will happen to you, it could happen anytime, even in the time you least expect it.

I broke down, because I was too scared. I prayed hard to Him. I don't want to die now. I don't want to suffer in any disease. I wanted to be saved and healed. I remembered how I wished for my death two years ago, and now, I am praying for an extension. I wanted to spend more time with my loved ones. I don't know how, but I'm just asking for Him to heal me, even though I don't know if I'm sick. It just came to me that I might be feeling that for quite a while now and maybe, He just wants me to be ready and just accept it.

I continued watching the film.

A plot twist. The interviewer is suffering depression. And God told him, I just saved you from yourself. From the turn of events, the interviewer thought that God wasn't there for him, that all his prayers were unanswered. And from there, he just realized how God created a miracle for him.

At the same time, I was crying too.

God saved me from myself.

Everything flashed back to me. From June last year, to June the other year. Because of my depression, I wanted to end my life. I don't want to suffer any more so I wished for my own demise. And that has been always what's on my mind. Now I realized, that the extension I was praying for tonight, He already answered it from last year.

He answered my prayer tonight, last year!

All the sickness I encounter now, it made me realize, that life is precious, and salvation is a gift. It made me realize to stop wanting to end life myself, and let God use me for His glory. God gave me life so I could spend more time with my loved ones. God gave us free will not to end our lives, but to be responsible of what we do. God answered my prayer even before I prayed for it.

God showed me the miracle I was praying for even though that is not my Interview with God.

God hears, God cares, God answers.

Jesus Christ is my Lord, my Savior, my Friend.

Trying Out Honkai Impact 3 (Gameplay)

2019-03-02T00:00:00.000+08:00

Trying Out Honkai Impact 3 (Gameplay).

Pililla Wind Mills (Pililla, Rizal, Philippines)

2019-02-27T17:30:00.000+08:00

Pililla Wind Mills located at Pililla, Rizal, Philippines.

Dota 2 Ability Draft - Tanky Spell Casting Pusher

2019-02-23T00:00:00.000+08:00

Hero:
Magnus

Abilities Drafted:
Great Cleave, Flesh Heap, Paralyzing Cask, Chain Frost

Enjoying Overcooked 2 (Gameplay) - 2 Players

2019-02-20T00:00:00.000+08:00

Fun two (2) player game! My girlfriend and I are playing this one. Just watch!

Mobile Legends: Vexana (flame028) ft. Aurora (CathBaby07)

2019-02-16T00:00:00.001+08:00

Just one simple game of Mobile Legends: Bang Bang with my girlfriend. Please forgive the noobness! LOL!

Hero: Vexana
Party: Aurora

A Walk Around the Pinaglabanan Shrine (San Juan City, NCR, Philippines)

2019-02-16T00:00:00.000+08:00

This is just a simple, plain walk around the Pinaglabanan Shrine here at San Juan City, NCR, Philippines. This is one of many historical parks around the metro; and probably one of the busiest, because many people spend most of their time here, probably even their daily activities.

Dragon Dance in Intramuros, Manila, NCR, Philippines

2019-02-03T00:00:00.000+08:00

Filipino - Chinese community has always been celebrating Lunar (Chinese) New Year. Intramuros, one of the most active tourist spots in Manila, wherein the Chinatown is located, has always been a good place to show off some of the traditions and of these are the Dragon and Lion Dance! Take a look!

MU Origins 2 - First Look (gameplay)

2019-01-26T00:00:00.000+08:00

Trying out MU Origins 2 (because it's a nostalgic game).

Many tried to remake this game, but only a few were decent to play.

Let's see how this one goes.

I'd say this one is playable, but still lacks the intensity of the original game. :) no hate!

Just some night shots...

2019-01-20T04:00:00.000+08:00

Shot at 3/10 sec. f/3.5 15mm ISO 200

Canon EOS m10

Shot at 1/80 sec. f/4 16mm ISO 100

Canon EOS m10

Shot at 1/500 sec. f/22 45mm ISO 1600

Canon EOS m10

Shot at 1/15 sec. f/40 45mm ISO 400

Canon EOS m10

DotA 2 Ability Draft - Fighter/Disabler Tidehunter (Scary!)

2019-01-19T00:00:00.000+08:00

Hero:
Tidehunter

Abilities Drafted:
Inner Fire, Homing Missile, Thirst, Supernova

The Holiday's!

2019-01-18T17:57:00.002+08:00

These are just tryout shots. Not really impressive but I wanted to share everything my camera and I had, so here it is.

Shot at 1/50 sec. f/3.5 15mm ISO 3200

Canon EOS m10

Shot at 1/15 sec. f/8 15mm ISO 3200

Canon EOS m10

Shot at 1/40 sec. f/3.5 15mm ISO 6400

Canon EOS m10

Shot at 1/60 sec. f/4 15mm ISO 6400

Canon EOS m10

Shot at 1/60 sec. f/4 15mm ISO 6400
Canon EOS m10

Katana Inspired Short Sword

2019-01-18T17:09:00.003+08:00

This is a katana-inspired short sword like blade thingy bought from Manaoag,Pangasinan, Philippines.

Shot at 1/25 sec. f/3.5 15 mm ISO 3200

Canon EOS m10

Shot at 1/30 sec. f/3.5 15 mm ISO 3200

Canon EOS m10

A Feel of a Tricycle Ride in the Philippines (San Juan City, NCR)

2019-01-16T00:00:00.000+08:00

These are videos of my short tricycle rides to and from work here in San Juan City, NCR, Philippines.

Pikachu Plushie!

2019-01-15T20:00:00.002+08:00

Shot at 1/40 Sec. f/5 30mm ISO 2500

Canon EOS m10

This is my very first shot using Canon EOS m10 with my freebie as the subject!

Cats

2019-01-15T19:27:00.001+08:00

Shot at 1/30 sec. f/6.3 45mm ISO 3200
Canon EOS M10

Shot at 1/40 sec. f/6.3 45mm ISO 2500
Canon EOS M10

Big Scoop Waffle Bowl Ice Cream

2019-01-15T03:07:00.001+08:00

Shot at 1/25 sec. f/3.5 16mm ISO 800

Canon EOS M10

The Clouds over the Road

2019-01-15T03:01:00.002+08:00

Shot at 1/3200 sec. f/2 2.69mm ISO 50

Asus Zenfone 3

DotA 2 Ability Draft - Basic Outworld Devourer Dominating!

2019-01-12T00:00:00.000+08:00

Hero:
Outworld Devourer

Abilities Drafted:
Arcane Orb, Plague Ward, Essence Aura, Global Silence

DotA 2 Ability Draft - Queen of Pain (QOP) is an Invisible Pusher!

2019-01-09T20:10:00.000+08:00

All Int - No Carry Win!

Hero:
Queen of Pain

Abilities Drafted:
Mana Drain, Cloak and Dagger, Nature's Call, Wrath of Nature

DotA 2 Ability Draft - Shadow Demon from Push to Fight Build

2019-01-06T18:23:00.003+08:00

Hero:
Shadow Demon

Drafted Skils:
Bash of the Deep, Chaos Strike, Disruption, Phantasm

A Broken 2018

2019-01-02T04:46:00.001+08:00

This could be it.

I didn't even notice.

I still feel the January of last year.

   and I still got a hold of it. That I dearly wanna let go.

It was barely three months, but I had a lot spared to none.

Then I checked, it was only the month of May.

That could be the last time I had to see the calendar.

Looked forward for my birthday month, everything fell off.

Everything went down the drain.

Everything was broken.

After I knew it, I was counting down days.

Not for the season, not for the holidays, not for the new year.

But for the day I could see the world again.

I tried to make things work. I tried to make it up to the remainders.

Almost all went according to plan.

   Almost all of Plan B, that is.

These became the days I wished I had more, I wished I had enough, so I could share more.

   But I had only enough, for Plan B.


People often tell me, that I should look past of the negative things that ever happened to me.

That I should see how blessed I am to overcome all the struggles and pains I encounter for almost every day.

I don't know.

It's always easy to look at or speak of it that way.

But it's hard.

Of all endeavors I had to face, I feel thankful of the people who extends prayers for me.

Yes, they are my blessings.

And I felt, that these messages are better than those good news I could have expected, I would have received.

But the pain never goes…

The broken can never be whole again…

And the broken can only last for so long…

I never felt 2018.

It's like a skip in the timeline.

But this 2018 left me so much damage that I could no longer look forward to 2019.

At this end of the year, I am raising my hand and give 2018 a dirty finger.

And my other hand, to 2019.

Giving yet another dirty finger.

I won't tell 2019 to be good. I am not expecting it to be.

'coz I deserve it.

I linger in a puddle of hatred and discontent, but couldn't find the courage to get out of it.

I am so weak to get out of it, but I f*cking put all my strength in throwing punches to nothingness.

What could I do? I got a broken self.

I know 2019 won't become so forgiving 'coz I got beat down the previous year.

But I'll continue to survive. No matter how I wanted to live a 2019 life.

I don't see hope in 2019.

I may see chances and opportunities, but I also see how I'm gonna waste all of it.

I want to push harder.

Try to survive a bit further.

And try to live a life a little fuller.

The only reason I could see myself going through this journey is because I know God is still with me.

And I ask God if I'm becoming more of a burden now.

Coz I don't want my beloved to feel that weight, too.

If God carries me in order for me to go on, please don't let my beloveds be the instruments for this.

2018 gave me a serious beat down.

And I don't expect less from 2019.

I won’t ask for more beatings, coz I might lose it this time.

I still wanted to get out of it standing and alive.

Argh, too much struggles.. Too much pain.. Too heavy of a burden.. This 2018 has brought me.

Effing 2019, what more do you got?!?! I don't wanna do this anymore!!

These boisterous shouts deafen no one, but mutes the f*ck out of me!!

This early, I tell you I'm gonna come out stronger and will tear all your craps apart!!

I won't go vividly, I will roar! Be it in pain or be it in triumph!

2018 is like a void in time.

   And I don't want this void to go any larger.

   But I can't control time. I can't take hold of everything.

I hold myself accountable.

I was a failure. Couldn't even stand or walk straight.

I don't see success anywhere near.

And I don't have any choice but to go on.

Fuck you, 2018.

And fuck you 2019, in advance.

This is not about being hopeful. This is not about sugarcoating shits.

This is just a broken me, getting out of a broken 2018.

Gundam Epyon - HG 1/100

2018-11-27T22:33:00.000+08:00

Shot at 3 sec. f/22 19mm ISO 800
Canon EOS m10

Shot at 3 sec. f/22 27mm ISO 800
Canon EOS m10

Shot at 3/5 sec. f/8 18mm ISO 800
Canon EOS m10