Fabulous After 50

Random thoughts: When it rains, it pours edition.

2013-05-23T17:44:00.000-06:00

9 lbs down. Not me... my daughter. Not Cay... Tay. She's losing a lot of weight eating the same things that we're struggling on. Cay and I are must a little bit jealous.

Drama in the house! Issues with Tay's school have trashed our summer budget. I suppose feeling confident and secure was too much to hope for. Long story short? We need to come up with over $2600 for tuition for summer school. Long story long? Today we found out that the program we've been asking for all year: support services for her autism DOES exist on campus, and it's kinda the best kept secret... no one in the student support services, her advisor, or the enrollment people could supply the answer when I asked the DIRECTLY about these services.

This has lead us to a flurry of activity in cutting down our possessions and streamlining our lifestyle. We've Craigs-Listed some stuff, and the rest will be donated to a favorite charity, who also gives a 20% discount at their shop with a donation.

Tomorrow the weavers will be getting together at the ranch. The ranch is officially closed tomorrow, but there will be one tour coming through, which will probably only take a few minutes. We'll be there for about 5 hours, weaving and spinning and planning for the next event. It's a break from all the stress, and I'm going to take full advantage of it.

At this point, there's a lot going on with Tay's school, Cay looking for work, the volunteer hours, the financial stuff, and all sorts of stuff going on with my son, that seems to change almost daily. I'm overwhelmed, but if I can't keep my head above water, I can at least keep my nose above water, and I'm still breathing. I've been in tighter spots. That doesn't mean that I'm comfortable, though.

On the diet/weightloss front? I'm losing a little, not a lot. I'm not weighing daily, and I'm not sure that's the right way to go for me. On the other hand, with so much going on, I want to lose weight, not obsess over it. Still looking for balance.

Identity Theft: I NEVER thought it would happen to me.

2013-05-22T09:07:00.002-06:00

Yesterday I received an email confirming installation of a top-of-the-line, high priced TV/Phone/Internet bundle at an address I haven't lived at in 5 years. The email (and attached bill) were in my name, with my last phone number and social security number. I've canceled the install, and am awaiting the police now to file a report.

I never thought this would happen to me because..

(a) I have very little income (I'm on Social Security Disability). I thought this kind of thing only happened to rich people.
(b) I don't have great credit. I've been working to repair my credit for years, but divorce and chronic illness have taken their toll.
(c) I don't have money in the bank or any investments. My average daily balance is somewhere around $2.

I suspect that I know how the (yet unidentified) people got this information. One of the problems with Social Security and Medicaid is that your Social Security number is on EVERYTHING, even letters that go to other people. My son, disabled from birth, receives benefits on my record as a disabled adult, so my information is on his records... records he hasn't seen in months, and which is in the hands of an ex-wife (who refuses to return them) and ex-best friend.

So yes, I also have my suspicions over who might have stolen my identity, especially after discovering that some of that family recently returned to the state after taking off and living out of state for a few months.

I also receive letters on a regular basis from banks I used to do business with or social services stating that my information has been compromised because of record keeping errors, illegal access, or carelessness on the part of paper destruction processes. I actually found out that in Florida, one agency, instead of disposing of paper records properly by sending them to a shredding company, boxed up the old records after scanning them and put the boxes of the original records out on the curb next to the dumpster.

The point here? SECURITY OF YOUR PERSONAL INFORMATION IS AN ILLUSION. You don't know who is accessing it, what pieces of paper or electronic information falls into the wrong hands, or who finagles information from people who are supposed to keep your information secure and private.

The way to protect yourself is to keep track of your accounts, check your credit reports annually, and when you see some suspicious activity, track it down, report it, and dispute it.

Me? I'm learning. ANYONE can be the victim of identity theft.

The Couch is a Trap.

2013-05-21T07:03:00.001-06:00

image: www.rolereboot.org

As I said in yesterday's post, I'm now faced with three (delightful) days with nothing on my calendar. The first impulse is to take the days to wind down, relax, and recover from the busy extended weekend. But as I awake this morning, I look at the weather forecast and think how today would be the perfect day to take the dog walking on some of the local trails. This will accomplish two things: 1st, it will offer a good training opportunity for the dog. 2nd, it'll provide me with some exercise.

And while I've woken up today with new resolve to lose more weight and become stronger, I've yet to step on the scale or make a commitment to exercise by making some sort of daily plan to be active and/or go to the gym. While I prefer doing more physical volunteer work to going to the gym, I know I have to be doing one or the other almost every day to keep fit.

While I know I need rest and relaxation, especially when having a lupus flare, I also know that the couch is a trap, and sometimes once I get into it, I have a great deal of difficulty getting free.

I've also found that when I think I'm totally out of energy and totally unable to do anything, I can often be refreshed by just getting out and away from the house (and the couch). I've noticed that there's a point where the couch makes you more tired instead of less tired.

I've been criticized for the past for saying that I give 100% on the way out and leave nothing to get home on when I walk or exercise... because how can that possibly be true? And the answer (for me anyway) is that I often have less energy at the start, then have waves of energy: I can push myself so far... I've pushed myself too far sometimes, to the point where I thought I'd end up in the hospital, but once I start home (sometimes at a crawl) I'm refreshed. I'll be honest. There are some times when I'm on a long walk (like last year when Cay and I walked to the plaza so she could have pancakes on the plaza on July 4th) where I have started home knowing I HAD to, and gotten home with almost no memory of having made the walk because I was so tapped out.

I know that's NOT the recommended way to get in a good walk, or to challenge my body, and I won't be repeating that level of pushing myself again unless I have a backup (ie, bus or cab fare).

But during that time I demonstrated to myself once again that I have untapped physical reserves, and that in a pinch, they're there.

Now I won't need to dig that deep to get off the couch most days, but every day I'm home resting during a lupus flare I feel like I'm sinking deeper and deeper into the cushions, until I'm not sure whether I feel weak from the lupus or from the couch time. That's the point where I know I need to push myself upright and get moving.

Today is rough. I've been sick. This weekend I pushed a little too hard after being sick at the end of last week, and then I compounded it by making yesterday a work day rather than a rest day. But sitting here this morning, I wonder if I need to allow my body to sink into these cushions and recover, or I need to keep it moving.

A body in motion stays in motion and a body at rest stays at rest, unless acted on by an external force.

I do hate to apply Newton's law to my lifestyle, but it certainly feels like the couch offers a certain resistance to motion, and that once my momentum is stilled by a "rest day", it's a real effort to get moving again.

So what does this mean for me today? Will I recover on the couch? Will I push myself again beyond what is healthiest for my body? or will I find some sort of balance, preserve some momentum while providing the recovery time my body also needs?

Woolly Weekend

2013-05-20T18:00:00.001-06:00

Today was not caffeine and ibuprofen as expected. But mighty close to it. Instead, after all the activity this weekend, I volunteered to drive some fleeces up to the mill. I'll have photos of the mill and how the fleece is processed on The Radula. The photo above is wool on a sorting table at the mill, which was about an hour and a half to two hour drive from where I live (which turned out to be a lot shorter than I expected).

This weekend was insanely busy, and I spent very little time online, making a few reposts to Facebook before running out every day, then again one or two reposts before falling into bed early in the evening. I've been exhausted, and today my blood sugar has been a problem, but I'm having the time of my life in the fiber arts program.

As for food, that's been kinda mixed. I've been trying products to write reviews, and while they've been delicious, they aren't the kind of foods I'd eat every day because of my blood sugar. On the other hand, I haven't been over-eating because I'm just to busy to even think about food from 7am to 7pm, then I'm too tired to eat too much. Hopefully that will show up on the scale, but I am keeping stable with fruits, nuts, and sometimes some granola while I'm at work... and (confession time) also some pretzels when my sugar starts to dip.

Right now I'm looking at three days (tomorrow through Thursday) where there is absolutely nothing on my calendar. I'm designating it "recovery time" but I'm sure the girls will have me hopping at least one of those days. Tomorrow is "get a job day" for Cay, but Tay might get bored hanging around the house. Since we're broke for 10 more days (but have enough food, etc to get through the end of the month) we're not planning any major outings, but will be working a few days on the ranch, and I may try taking our dog out on the trail along the rail and see how he does with other dogs and unknown people. A lot of what I do when I'm home seems to revolve around the need to train and socialize the dog... which keeps me busy and on my feet.

Lupus Crash

2013-05-17T21:34:00.001-06:00

The title of the post says it all.

Today is ibuprofen, heating pads, and rest.

Tomorrow is the start of the Fiber Arts Festival. Two more days of busy and the Spanish Colonial Workout.

I suspect that Monday will be ibuprofen, heating pads and rest again.

The Spanish Colonial Workout

2013-05-16T06:41:00.001-06:00

Being a volunteer at El Rancho de las Golondrinas has really opened my eyes to a number of things. Two of the big things are the value of REAL food and the amount of physical activity the human body has evolved to engage in.

After washing wool, dying, hauling water, or engaging in any of the other activities on the ranch for a few hours on end, I understand why gyms and "exercise" as we think of it today weren't something people thought about 200 years ago. Life was challenging (and active) enough.

Food was what you grew or traded for. It was chemical and pesticide free, and involved a lot of dried fruits, beans, chili and herbs, and whatever was in season. Icecream? Cookies? Pizza? Unheard of!

It strikes me that our bodies simply cannot keep up with the changes in our world: that we spend hours of the day in front of the TV or computer. That we can go to our icebox (or hop in the car and go down to the supermarket) and get whatever processed, fat-filled, sugar laced product we want.

Our bodies are designed for motion... and we're no longer in motion. Our bodies are designed to store fat and sugar because they are hard to get, and needed for exercise, but now fat and sugar are cheap and plentiful.

And so we try to make up for it all by eating fat and carb laden food with the word "diet" or "low carb" (really? compared to other foods maybe, but definitely still more carbs than we need) or "sugar free" (as if that means "low calorie") or "low fat" (low fat whip cream, anyone?) We make up for it by torturing ourselves with regimented exercises meant to engage every part of our bodies... muscles that would be used if we were outside playing with our kids (or pets), doing more housework, working in the fields, hauling water, weaving on a walking loom, scrubbing clothes in the stream, and pounding yucca root for soap.

And while most people will never do any of those things, and will go to the grocery store for tortillas rather than grinding corn for hours with a mano and metate, there are ways to live a more physical lifestyle (volunteer at a food pantry.... Ditch your gas mower for an unpowered one... Garden more (maybe grow your own food!) There are a number of things that can be done instead of blogging and watching CSI.

Likewise you're not likely to stop going to the supermarket, but you can make better choices when you're there: Eat primarily whole and real foods, and if you can't pronounce what's in the "food", don't buy it.

My workout today? Carding wool. Possibly spinning with a walking rueca (Mexican Spinning Wheel).

Then this weekend I'll be hauling water, lifting pots, constantly active at the dye shed and walking back and forth spinning, winding and measuring wool yarns.

I can imagine why you don't have illustrations of 400 lb Spanish Colonial women, and why having a little weight was a sign of affluence (and not having to work quite so hard).

And childhood obesity? Unheard of. Here's an excellent video I found today on the life and activities of Spanish Colonial Children:

Being my Own Fairy Godmother: The Happiness Project

2013-05-15T07:23:00.000-06:00

I've lived the last 30 years of my life in an endless list of "have to". Even things I want to have been rephrased as have to. Somewhere along the line, I've lost who I am.

So what do I want out of life?

well, I guess HAPPINESS is job one for me right now. There are a lot of things that make me happy: feeling healthy, looking good, great music, close friends, my dog, my kids, the ocean, running (when I don't feel like I have to). There are things that I enjoy doing, so long as I'm not doing them to the exclusion of all other things: fiber arts, writing, movies and theater.

Being happy or working toward happiness isn't indulgent or hedonistic. It doesn't mean stuffing yourself with chocolate cake 24/7 or ditching work to go to an amusement park. There's a lot of difference between instant (and temporary) gratification and true happiness.

Being happy might involve something as simple as looking at life from a different perspective: seeing challenges instead of obstacles, learning experiences instead of failures...

It doesn't mean self-delusion, denial, or faking it. I think what it means is being self aware and allowing yourself to experience those parts of the self and the surrounding world without fear, shame, or guilt.

I know there's no perfect happiness, that ignorance is bliss. I know that I don't expect to put on blinders or become gullible and ignorant in order to ignore the negatives in life. There isn't anything that comes without a price... there's no glorious Candy Mountain.

One thing I've learned about happiness is that if I do something that makes me happy to the exclusion of all else, it makes me less happy. That happiness involves balance as well as excitement.

Another thing I've learned is that there's a lot out there that can contribute to happiness that I never imagined, and that trying new things is the surest way to find happiness. Just think, if we never tried anything new, took the risk in finding things that could make us happy, but carried the risk of unhappiness, we'd all still simply be sucking on bottles (or the breast) and happiness would just be getting fed and having a clean butt.

Growth and development isn't limited to infants and children; it's an ongoing process from birth to death. And that involves new experiences, opening yourself up to the risk of unhappiness for the chance at more happiness.

Right now I'm embarking on my own Happiness Project as an offshoot of being my own fairy godmother. Here are my basic rules:

1. Develop more objectivity: practice looking at issues from different perspectives. Find opportunities, and let go of things I can't change.
2. Foster new experiences: Try it. At least once.
3. Put me on my own priority list. (This one is hardest. As a mom, I've always put the kids first.... which is fine, but I need to be on my priority list SOMEWHERE. Putting myself last is a bad example.)
4. Acknowledge that happiness is not a sin. It's not a sign that you're not working hard enough, not sacrificing enough, not paying attention to the problems of the world. It's the nourishment of mind, body and spirit that keeps you going.

It seems to me that many of us embarking on this journey are so wrapped up in the sacrifice, effort and discipline that we've forgotten why we started it: to be happy.

It'll be easier than I thought...

2013-05-14T21:34:00.000-06:00

I picked up a few more groceries today. I'd put my foot down about bringing a lot of carbs into the apartment, and that's where Tay surprised me, because her response was "I don't care. Just get me a lot of veggies."

It's a far cry from what we heard from her a couple years ago:

She's still not big on salads, and she'll only eat tomatoes that have been peeled and diced, but she's big into cooked and stir fried veggies of all kinds.

So, yeah, one day we're making a taco pizza... but for the rest of the month it's peas, beans, legumes, broccoli, carrots, cucumbers, cabbage, peppers, cauliflower, asparagus... and I don't remember what else we have in the freezer and crisper.

For me? I'm going to give a try with more of this and less of the meat and protein bars. The whole idea of protein bars was to balance my blood sugar, but I rely on them too much. I'll still have meat from time to time, and yes, I imagine there will be difficulties (because some days I just can't digest leafy vegetables) but I'm hoping that on the whole I'll find a way to eat a rainbow of veggies on a daily basis rather than living on eggs and chicken breasts.

Cay is also onboard, although it's a tougher go for her. She likes the idea, but it less than thrilled with the actuality. She'll adjust.

Right now we're all about the veggies, and the kids are looking forward now to weekly trips to the Farmers Market for fresh produce of all sorts.

Summer Fun Time!

2013-05-13T07:42:00.001-06:00

Forecast: 80°F

Sometimes I think we don't have spring here in New Mexico, it goes directly from winter to summer... which is OK by me. It's the perfect time to be outside, walking, running, playing... and eating lighter.

Yesterday's shopping left me light on carbs and meat, and heavy on green, leafy veggies.

Suffering for Beauty

2013-05-11T10:06:00.000-06:00

I've been trying to track down the source of the quote "One must suffer to be beautiful." all morning to no avail. It seems to be taken as a universal truism.

In our society, we'll condemn the suffering of other
standards of beauty. For example foot binding is barbaric,
but high heals are not only acceptable, but expected.

Women go to great extremes to meet our society's standards of beauty, whether or not they're healthy or reasonable. We know the dangers of skinny jeans and the danger of high heals, but we wear them anyway. We pack ourselves in girdles and push up bras, trying to look like we're made by Mattel. We spend vast amounts of money at the gym, and on plastic surgery.

Our goal is "beauty"... and yes, we suffer.

It's something I've suffered with most of my life. As a young adult, I was quite the fashionista. Yes, I used to go dancing in those ultra-high heals in the age of disco. And more often than not, I wore a corset... because it was sexy.

My goal, even at the beginning of my weight loss journey, was to be beautiful, but beauty equaled sexual desirability, as it often does in our society.

Everything is to look young and fertile... to be sexually appealing... to be absolutely womanly.

And no matter what you do, you never get to where you want to be with that mindset. You're waist is going to be a little wider than a Barbie doll's, you always need a higher shoe, perkier breasts, less wrinkles... Society's media vision of perfect beauty is unrealistic if not impossible.

Does that mean we shouldn't want to feel pretty... or to feel sexy?

No, but maybe we need to reevaluate what pretty and sexy is, and to take a hand in changing (or at least rejecting) what we see in the airbrushed media.

We've gone even one step beyond this striving for the unrealistic, many women think they have to suffer and sacrifice in order to be beautiful... that if you're not suffering, than you're not as beautiful as you could... or should... be.

And there's something masochistic and misogynistic about that mindset.

It's a mindset that deprives us of life... of joy...

Is it possible that we can be beautiful without our Spanx? without risking infection with false eyelashes? Do we need to go to the gym and suffer?

Or is it just possible that we can be happy, healthy and beautiful while enjoying a rich, full life?

Do we need the sacrifice of a spin class to make us feel like we're optimizing ourselves, or would a trek through the mountains on a bike trip with friends do the same thing for our body and our health? Do we need to flip tires like we see on The Biggest Loser? or can we rearrange our living room, volunteer to help build a house, or help package food in the food pantry?

Life is beautiful. Living can keep us healthy and happy... and shouldn't THAT be what beauty is?

Life is for Living

2013-05-11T08:09:00.002-06:00

Sometimes life is not for blogging, it's for living. I wish I had the time and energy that some bloggers have to produce multiple daily posts. Honestly? I imagine that a lot of women who put out so much information throughout the day must be spending an awful lot of time in front of the computer, and I wonder how they have time to actually make the plethora of crafts they're pinning, or do the workouts they talk about, or cook all those fabulous recipes.

Recently I've missed days of blogging. Some days I drag myself home so tired from my day volunteering that I just don't have the will or energy to sit down and rehash it all. Some days I just don't think about the blog in the flurry of activity in my life. Some days (like yesterday) I'm just not home long enough to blog.

So a little catch-up:

Today both girls are home from school, and everything is unpacked and put away from the move it. I've been spending a couple days a week at the ranch doing Spanish Colonial Days (days set apart for two weeks in spring and two in fall for school field trips and tours) and I've been working a lot with my dog, who was poorly socialized when I adopted him.

Right now things are tough, fun, high stress, challenging, hopeful, and joyous all at the same time. There's a LOT going on in life, as I try to keep my footing with the seasonal change and all that brings, and the day to day stuff, which really doesn't change terribly much (except now there's an additional person to shop for and feed).

There are times I feel bad when I look at my blog and see I haven't posted for a few days. Then I remember: Life is for living, not for blogging. Blogging is the bonus. I'm not a "brand", and I don't do this for a living. I live for a living.

Did you win the $100 Visa Gift Card from BlogHer and Poise?

2013-05-11T08:00:00.002-06:00

You did if you were comment #42 on this post: http://fab50.blogspot.com/2013/04/its-time-we-had-talk.html

Congrats to our winner. BlogHer will be contacting her directly shortly!

New Rules:

2013-05-08T09:43:00.000-06:00

New Rule: I will NOT step on the scale if I'm retaining so much fluid that I can't put on my shoes.

For the last several years, I've stepped on the scale regardless of my state of health. While I've recognized that I won't post a meaningful number if I'm swollen, sick, or dehydrated, I've charted, posted, listed, and archived those weights.

And while on a day to day basis I can recognize that THIS day was an "off" day (or time of day, or whatever), when I go back and look at the data, it looks ugly, and it doesn't correspond to what I'm doing with my diet and exercise.

That means I'm going to start charting less, or when I chart, I'll be adding a lot of information about food, health and blood sugar levels. For a while, I was posting those three things side by side: weight, blood sugar, and general health. THAT'S what I strongly feel I need to get back to. Or I need to graph those three things together, so I can see the trends.

Today is Wednesday, but there will be no Wednesday Weekly Weigh In. As a matter of fact, despite the strong draw to the scale, I've made a promise to myself NOT to step on the scale today.

Instead, today I had an epiphany about my current swollen state... I went into my room, realized my weekly pill box was still on my dresser from when I refilled it (I usually keep it by the computer) and that I'd had none of my medication (including my thyroid meds) since Sunday morning.

New Rule: I will focus on taking my meds and supplements and finding the right balance, with the help of my doctors, before I do anything drastic about diet and exercise.

The next first step in continuing my health and fitness journey is to get my biology straightened out.

I'm beating myself up about being back at square one: not knowing what my diet should be, having an out of whack thyroid, struggling with how many carbs, what kind of carbs, and when to eat carbs in order to keep my blood sugar at safe levels. I'm spending more time living and no time in the gym, and have to regain balance, although yesterday I was on my feet for about 6 hours working on the ranch, which I don't think of as exercise, I think of as fun.

New Rule: I'm ditching the preconceived notion of exercise as that unpleasant, structured activity done in the gym, at home with a dvd, or according to some script. I'm proclaiming that exercise can be any activity where I exert myself physically, no matter how much fun it is.

I need to stop focusing on what I don't do, what I don't enjoy, and what I don't like and build on what I do. I can spend more time working on the ranch. I can spend more time playing with the dog. I can eat foods I like that are healthy (and not try to force myself to eat foods I hate because I perceive them as "health foods").

Loving the workouts, gym, etc simply because I see it as the way for me to get healthy (and being in love with being healthy rather than loving the gym) has worn thin and disappeared. Now I see it as a price I have to pay for health... and one I'm increasingly reluctant to pay. Instead of trying to fall in love with things I don't love, I'm going to focus on giving myself more of the things I do.

Right now I'm thinking (once again) about buying myself a treadmill. I love the treadmill, and think it should have a place in my living room, where I can do something other than sit while I do other things I enjoy: watching movies, keeping connected online... I love to walk, but don't like to do it alone outside, and don't like the gym environment.

I need to take a different behavioral approach to my health: I'll reward the behaviors that are positive rather than punishing myself for negative behaviors. I'll develop and build on behaviors I already have, and I'll stop trying to change everything in my life to adhere to what I've thought weight loss and fitness should look like.

Chris Christie and WLS: Damned if you do, Damned if you don't.

2013-05-08T09:11:00.000-06:00

photos: The Atlantic Wire

By now I expect just about everyone already knows that NJ Governor Chris Christie has had weight loss surgery. After years of being criticized for his weight, people now have another reason to criticize him.

Now, mind you, I'm a liberal Democrat, but I really admire Chris Christie. I supported the way he dealt with people publicly making his obesity an issue (what does what he weigh have to do with his politics?) and I support his very personal choice to have weight loss surgery.

Within the WLS community, it seems that there is a lot of chatter. Sure, a very visible public figure has had WLS... but do we really have to pick apart whether or not he's had the right surgery? We don't know this man's medical condition. We do know that what he chose was the least invasive surgery, that he was back on the job a couple days later, and that he's kept it a secret until his first 30 lbs lost. But all the judgement? He doesn't need that. He needs to be treated with the same respect we treat each other.

In the general public, there's a judgement that the reason he's done this at this time has to do with a possible presidential run. He says he's doing it for his family... to keep healthy for his kids. What difference does it make? Here's a man who is making the decision to get healthier, and we're going to pick it apart because he's a public figure? How different is that from people who complain about a "chunky" cheerleader? Or any other type of weight shaming?

IMHO we should all be embracing Gov. Chris Christie as an icon of a high profile individual who has done what he (and his doctors) decided is best for his own personal health. That he is a public face for every one of us who has struggled and made the tough decisions to get healthier, for whatever reasons we've had.

"Real Food", "Organic Food", "Clean Eating", "Non-GMO" and Other Food Fantasies

2013-05-06T10:18:00.002-06:00

A couple things prompted me to write about this today. Most recently there is an ongoing discussion (or disgust-ion) about an article about mold growing in Capri Sun. Everyone agrees that Capri Sun is gross as a result, and that it's not good to drink packaged juices.

Me? The first thing I thought was "real food can grow mold." I was reminded of the Supersize Me experiment... and how the fries remained unchanged for months. Mold eats real food.

The other thing that triggered this is a discussion at the ranch yesterday, where someone mentioned a "non-GMO corn farmer". Let's get this straight: there is NO SUCH THING. There are "non-Monsanto corn farmers" , but corn, like many of our grain crops today, is genetically modified. I don't know anyone who eats the kind of grains that are wild and natural.

There's a graphic going around Facebook that references what they see as the difference between organic and GMO corn:

This supposedly shows that animals prefer organic corn to "GMO" corn. I'm not sure what "GMO" is in this context... is it Monsanto corn? Because "corn" is the name of a modified plant, teosinte, which grew wild in Mexico.

Plant Evolution: The Dominance of Maize

Maize and corn are artificial inventions, created by human selection and breeding of the teosinte plant, genetically modifying the plant for plumper, sweeter seeds. Wheat is modified. Soy beans are modified. Anything we selectively breed, from our lettuce to our fruit to our chickens and pigs, cows and yes, anything we've planted in our own "organic" gardens is genetically modified.

It's not genetic modification which is "bad"... but what we're modifying it with. There comes a point where this food produces volume but not nutrition, and there's always the problem with whether or not what we're cutting into the genes is going to cause long term health issues in humans. I have scientist friends who see no issues with the type of GMO work Monstanto is doing, and I remember similar discussions going on about DDT, and in the end, science was wrong, and it wasn't the solution it promised to be.

Now there is another issue, perhaps not as interesting to dieters, but of extreme interest to naturalists and conservationists, and that is that these genetically modified plants are bred to carry on the specific gene modifications, so that they can and sometimes do completely replace the original plants simply by spreading pollen. Fields of corn adjacent to GMO fields will produce GMO corn in the next generation.

The point here is that sure, there are reasons to be concerned about GMO but in order to be savvy consumers, we need to put aside the hype and understand what the real issues are.

Now back to the moldy Capri Sun...

We live in a myth of sterility in this country. The fact is that there are germs and mold spores and fungal spores and all sorts of things looking for a place to live and reproduce all around us. This is natural. If a food doesn't mold if it's exposed to air over time then it's not food. Mold eats what we eat, and we eat mold all the time, just not in large and visible amounts... for the most part. We think of these natural decomposers as always toxic, but don't blink at eating mushrooms (fungus) on our pizza or blue cheese (spoiled milk with mold) on our salads.

Without fungus and mold, you would have none of these foods!

It's because we don't think about our food.

Yes, finding a mold mat in a bag of Capri Sun is gross. Obviously there was a packaging problem. If you left your lovely potato or boneless, skinless chicken breast out for weeks on end then you would see mold grow as well.

"Organic" is another misnomer. "Organic" means that certain products are not applied to the soil, water, or plants themselves intentionally. The key word here is "intentionally"... because unless you're growing it in a closed greenhouse with filtered air and sterilized soil (oops, that won't work either, because you need some of those decomposers for the nitrogen cycle) and filtered air, whatever is in the air, water or soil is also in your food. There is no magical force field around organic farms that keep out air and waterborne contaminates from nearby cities. There is no such thing as totally organic.

Now all this isn't to say we can't eat better quality food than what many people do eat. We can eat foods with less preservatives (including salt, which is, after all, a preservative), we can eat foods that have less lab produced chemical additives, we can eat foods with different classes of pesticides or those that haven't had a direct application of pesticides (do you have any idea how much pesticide is in water?) and we can eat foods that are closer to natural.

But we can't afford to fool ourselves into thinking that "organic" and "whole" is the same as totally natural. They are not. As long as we hold to these food myths, we're not only ignorant consumers, we're perpetuating farming and ranching practices that may not be healthy or sustainable.

But it's a happy kind of busy

2013-05-04T21:51:00.001-06:00

First full day volunteering for the season. I was tired. I was sore.

I was HAPPY.

The dog chewed up Cay's favorite shoe while we were gone (now, I'd TOLD Cay to put her shoes away before we left the dog alone for the first time) but since that's the worst that happened today, I'm not too distraught.

Food? When I'm busy like this I tend to eat in smaller amounts. I have to remind myself to eat more frequently when that happens, so I keep my blood sugar in a safe level.

In keeping with my being my own fairy godmother, I changed my volunteer schedule for events like the one this weekend: I go to the ranch both days, but only work on Saturdays. If they get in a pickle I'll fill in on Sunday, but Sunday is my day to ENJOY the event by viewing it and photographing it rather than working.

Today I heard the sound of cannons during the reenactments of the Civil War battle, but all I saw of the event were the horses being loaded at the end of the day. Last year it was much the same (although I wasn't there for that particular event)... I'd work the events and see very little of it. Now I'm claiming one day a weekend for just plain fun.

Body and Soul

2013-05-03T18:13:00.000-06:00

No, this isn't my tire. I got this image from BJ Thoughts,
but it does look an awful lot like my tire yesterday...

I'm building a case for pets over Prozac these days. I have to attribute coming out of my funk to the presence of Frodo (my new dog) in my home. Certainly I've been tested.

Sure, I had a rough spot the other day when I went to the complex's laundry room and found my clothes were still soaking wet and covered with soap although the cycle had ended, and I ended up putting them (dripping wet) in another washer to run again (this time with no soap) at an additional $1.50... something that seemed crushing at the time.

But I've also dealt with a broken dishwasher for days, and, just when I thought I was getting ahead this month, yesterday I went out to find a totally flat tire with a screw deeply embedded in it. I survived it. Even this morning, when I had to buy the tire, and realized that this month wasn't going to be as financially wonderful as I thought.

Now to backtrack... I don't EVER recommend those with chronic mental illness to ditch their medications in favor of a pet, any more than I'd recommend a cat instead of chemo for those with cancer, but in my case, I'm not chronically mentally ill, I do have situational depression (things have piled up these last couple months) and I have some depression caused by my blood sugar dives and the decrease in my thyroid medication, neither of which will be helped terribly much by an anti-depressant.

In my case, it's going to take a few things to pull me out all the way: Balanced medication for my other conditions, revised diet, some behavioral changes (the dog already forces me off the couch most of the day, and volunteer season starts tomorrow) and finally I'm probably going to have to deal with some of the cognitive stuff I've been avoiding (the doc recommends deep trauma therapy).

I knew losing weight wasn't going to be the answer to all my problems. And I knew that the more I lost, the more of ME I'd be uncovering. Part of that, I worried, was having to deal with stuff I thought I'd resolved. And I guess I've gotten to that point.

Right now I'm scared about the next step, but ready to take it. This journey started out in earnest when I stopped thinking about looking fabulous and started thinking about feeling fabulous, and that's something that involves more than the body. My journey has to involve more than diet and exercise ... that I have to nurture the mind and spirit that is part of this life, and not just the body.

Another Belated Wednesday Weekly Weigh In:

2013-05-02T12:26:00.000-06:00

I really need to get myself together.

I need to develop more accountability to myself.

That's what this blog was for.

I need to recommit to that.

Can you tell "COMMITMENT" is my word of the week?

Two Types of Dieters

2013-05-02T06:29:00.000-06:00

Before evolving in my weight loss journey I used to think there were three kinds of dieters: The committed, hard workers who successfully got fit, the less committed who never made it, and me. Of course I was the exception. I had all sorts of reasons that I couldn't lose weight: my health issues which held me back were top of the list.

Thing is I did lose weight, although I didn't get the outcome I dreamed of, and found that my health issues didn't prevent me from losing any weight, but they are making it difficult to lose all the weight.

In some ways I was right at the start: only I needed to take that third type of dieter out of the list, because what it comes down to is this: either you're committed or your not.

Now that's a bitter pill to swallow, whether your me and you really need your excuses, or you're you (for whatever reason you have) the problem is this: If you are committed... TRULY committed... you'll find the way.

Me? I have to admit that I've lost some of my fire. My commitment is suffering, and although I do really want to be back under 200 lbs, I'm not taking the action I need to do that.

What I need to do is simple: Exercise more. Eat better.

Notice I didn't say "eat less".... it's more what I eat than how much I eat.

And while what I eat is made difficult due to food sensitivities and hypoglycemia, it's not impossible to strike a good balance with working out.

So what's holding me back?

Probably a lot of emotional baggage I've yet to deal with relating to my childhood: a lack of self esteem and self confidence, despite the empowerment I've granted myself as part of my journey. There's really no reason I can't put in two hours a day at the gym daily... considering I used to put in 4-6 every day. And there's no reason I can't eat better and stop relying on protein bars and protein snack foods to get me through the day.

The only thing holding me back is me. I'm not certain of the level of commitment I want to have to this: how many hours working out... how many foods I "love" that I'd have to reduce... how much time I'd have to put into preparing healthier foods...

I fell into the trap I never thought I would: at some point I figured I was where I was going to be, then decided that I could kick back and enjoy the fruits of what I'd accomplished.

But it doesn't work that way.

It's not : WORK WORK WORK WORK WORK ENJOY ENJOY ENJOY ENJOY...

it's: WORK ENJOY WORK WORK ENJOY ENJOY WORK ENJOY WORK ENJOY...

You don't "finish"... you continue. It's not a diet, it's a lifestyle change.

In that change there has to be balance, and the point where that balance is will change with your weight, your health, your age, and your personal circumstances.

It's like standing on a small boat: you have to be flexible and constantly change your balance point to keep from falling overboard. You have to commit to it.

Late Night Reflections.

2013-04-30T22:05:00.001-06:00

It's getting to be that temperature out where I don't want to cook and I don't want to eat anything 'heavy'. It occurs to me that this is the perfect time to reevaluate my diet and plan for further weight loss.

Went to pick up underthings at the store today, and was forcefully reminded that my top half and my bottom half are NOWHERE near the same size, and that's a problem when it comes to clothes shopping... not so much when I'm shopping for underthings, but when I'm shopping for dresses and such...

Ended up waiting all day for maintenance to come fix my dishwasher. Now tomorrow I have to be here again, because they can't fix it, it has to be replaced. I'm OK with that part of it, but I'm not happy about being home when I've geared up to hit the treadmill.

The visit with my grandson for today was canceled. He's sick again. I hope I'll see him next month.

I'm thinking at some point I'm going to get some houseplants. This place needs more life.

I'm too tired tonight to even think about puffins... or nudibranch... or pika... and that's saying a lot. I just hope it means I'll get a good night's sleep tonight. I'm far too old to be operating on 5 hours/ night for an extended period of time like this!

Back in the Swing of Things: Here Comes the Sun!

2013-04-29T08:18:00.000-06:00

I'm feeling more myself these days.

Yesterday Cay and I (and Frodo) went to Valles Caldera, which gave us some opportunity to hike some mountain trails. The altitude was kinda rough on me, and I realized how important it is to keep up my cardio conditioning.

While I haven't lost flexibility these past few weeks, I find that I'm winded more easily.

The dog has been a big plus in my life: I HAVE to go outside, which probably had a lot to do with being able to pull myself out of this funk. And we play in the house as well, so I'm not just sitting here moping.

It's going to be 80°F today, so I'm torn between my original plan (hitting the treadmill at the gym) and taking the dog out for a hike somewhere (I'm going to google hiking trails that allow pets) I can walk along the track on the hiking path into town (a good choice, because it'll allow us to meet up with other pets and people, and he needs socializing).

and this time I WILL put on my sunblock.

These days Cay is getting less upset about healthy food choices in the apartment, which will make shopping easier, although she DID take a pack of Twizzlers to the movies last night. We need to find a better alternative for movie snacking.

Suggestions?

This morning I got up and made a big pot of chili stew, divided it up and froze quite a bit of it for later meals. I'm thinking of getting a small grill for outside... I LOVE to grill in summer, and with the warm temps and clear skies, I'm thinking more and more about some charcoal grilled chicken breasts.

Yesterday at the gift shop at Valles Caldera I picked up some sweet red chili honey, a locally produced product. It turned out to be a little more hot than I thought it would be, I've had some really beautiful green chili honey before (homemade by a woman at the ranch) and I rather expected it to be more like that: sweet with a bit of an after-zing. While I won't be spreading any sweet red on tortillas, I'm going to glaze a chicken breast with it today and put it on the George Foreman grill for dinner.

Now that summer is here, I'm going to want to do elaborate cooking on the stove (or in the oven) less and less. I'm guessing it's going to be a lot of grilling, cold meats, and salads. I think I'll hard boil some eggs today as well, and start grabbing some of them for breakfast or snacks.

With the big turn-around in my attitude, I'm claiming this as my theme song for these days:

In case I don't write later today...

2013-04-28T08:13:00.000-06:00

Frodo: our new dog :D

Yes, I'm alive.

Yes, I'm doing OK.

And I'm off to Valles Caldera and a couple other volcanic sites today... with Cay and the dog in tow.

Today is for hiking and photography... and fun.

I need some fun today.

Not worrying about my health, my weight, my financial situation, my son, my daughter, or Kali's loss.

Today is a day spent in moments... just living.

Wednesday Weekly Weigh-In (NOT!)

2013-04-25T17:30:00.002-06:00

So I missed another Wednesday Weekly Weigh In.

It's really not the most important thing on my mind right now.

Today is about looking forward and closing doors behind me.

Tuesday will likely be the last day I see my grandson before his adoption, which will be a closed adoption.

There are a lot of changes in my life right now, and I need to stop seeing them as ENDINGS and start viewing them as OPPORTUNITIES FOR GROWTH.

I'm getting there. One step at a time.

It's funny in a way, because I've always looked forward to certain changes, including weight loss. I've looked forward to being an empty nester. I've thought about a future beyond my kids, my cat, my current life... but now that I'm here, I find that I feel adrift rather than free.

In some ways, free is adrift with direction.

I just need to pick a direction. I have all these choices, all these possibilities. I can't have what's gone, but there is so much I can have, once I start looking in a direction other than back.

Surprise source of inspiration today: My youngest!

2013-04-24T21:56:00.001-06:00

So I saw this on my daughter's Tumblr account today (cleaned up for spelling and grammar) ... and it really hit home.

Everyone is probably agreeing with this. Oh sure, I get it; I’m autistic.
I don’t even know how to begin communication, but you know what, life isn't going to sit there and put a f*king elevator on every mountain you have to climb in life. In my school if I was sick and I had a note I saying I couldn’t do PE I still had to. If my pet died and my mental heath was at an all time low I still have to work, because life doesn’t apologize for the sh*t that happens, and it certainly isn’t going to stop homework because you have a problem. It's going to make you face that problem, and maybe just MAYBE that speech or whatever is actually going to teach you something. Maybe it wont, you could go out worse than you where before but you can’t possibly know that already.
You have to try to do whatever it is, and theres no jumping over something you really have to climb. Wether it goes good or bad, at least you know.

And that's about it. Life isn't going to put an elevator on every mountain I have to clome. I can't jump over it. I can't wait for a lift. I've just got to climb.

Climb

2013-04-24T14:42:00.000-06:00

photo: NOVA Geoblog: Callan Bentley

When you're at the bottom of a pit, the most interesting and most rewarding view is looking up.

That's the goal.

That's where we want to be:

Up and Out.

For the last few weeks I've been in the "woe is me, I'm at the bottom of the pit" stage of existence.

That's where all you see are the dirt walls, the dark, and the worms.

Then there's the looking out stage where you say, "that's where I want to be but there's no way to get there."

and then there's the choice stage: the stage where you either decide to get out of the pit or die trying, or give up and die right then and there.

I don't know if I'm going to get out of my current pit. I do know that I'm not going to get out if I don't put any effort into it. No one is going to come and rescue me. I need to rescue myself.

So this week I'm starting.

First: I'm going to talk to the doctors about the medical conditions: the low blood sugar, my thyroid condition, and the back pain and find out what can be done. For the back pain, I'm on magnesium, which is supposed to help with the kind of nerve sensitivity that I'm apparently experiencing. That's going to take some time, because I have to keep adjusting my dosage upwards until it works. For the rest? Well, we'll see what the doctor says.

I'm taking some steps to change my environment, changing things around the apartment and decluttering.

I'm also taking some financial steps, including canceling my Netflix account. Cay will need to either (a) get a job and pay for her own darn movies or (b) review only movies she can get from the library or her college archives. I'm also turning the heat off more often, and that's another thing she'll have to get used to, because I can't pay the electric bills it takes to keep things at the temperature she prefers. And finally, I'm not getting any more coffee or frozen meals. I got the frozen meals because she was being irresponsible about eating, and having her eat frozen diet meals twice a day is wrecking our food budget for the month.

I have a three month plan to disentangle myself from my son's finances. I don't need to continue to be responsible for him. He's 27, after all.

and I've decided that I'm going to allow myself a portion of my own money to continue to explore being my own fairy-godmother, which will involve some nice summer clothing and some time out with my friends.

I've spent the last 30 years of my life rescuing other people. Dammit, now I'm going to rescue myself.

It's time.