Fabulous @ 50

BYOC

2012-05-26T08:30:00.000-06:00

thanks, Draz!

1. Tell me about your first childhood home that you remember.

It was a little white two bedroom salt box on a corner lot. In the front were huge maple trees, in the back yard were willows along the fence. Eventually my dad built a second story, a garage, a play house, planted a cherry tree, and put up an above ground pool. Now adays most people would think it unbearably small. You couldn't sit at the kitchen table if someone were cooking at the stove, and the bedrooms were tiny. It was on a dead end street, and at the end of the street was a vacant area with a drainage ditch that was overrun with trees, vines and wild flowers. We called it the gully, and it was where all the kids went to play. Now it's been filled in and there's an apartment complex there.

2. What is hands down your favorite color on this Earth?

OK... I would DIE on that bridge from this question. I like so many colors! I love turquoise. I love the deep purple of irises. I love deep midnight blue, apple green, and the deep reddish-purple of eggplant. I couldn't pick just one!

3. What kind of hair do you prefer on your significant other? Or what kind of hair is a turn on to you?

It's not so much what I like as what I don't like. I don't like bald, unless it's natural bald... no skinheads who shave for political reasons, please! I don't like very long hair, except as cultural expression. I don't like facial hair. I mean, it's OK to look at, but way too scratchy to kiss. As far as preferred styles, when you've been around as long as I have, you've seen styles come and go, and they stop having much meaning. I just want hair that's clean and touchable on my man.

4. Now that it's summer...do you mow your lawn or does someone else? How long does it take you? Do you hate or love doing it?

As an apartment dweller, this isn't an issue I have to deal with.

5. Repeat question: Summarize your week.

Got to see a great movie, collapsed on the street afterward with low blood sugar. Got everything done for the apartment, found out the management company hasn't and I'll be homeless one week from today. It's been a roller coaster ride folks, and it's not over. Right now I'm catching my breath during that pause when the cars have reached the very tippy top of the track before they go plummeting downward. I know some day the ride will be over, but right now I've just got to catch my breath and steel myself for the long drop.

Britain's Botox Barbie Booted

2012-05-25T07:03:00.003-06:00

Where there's smoke...

2012-05-25T07:02:00.000-06:00

This morning I woke up with a headache and a realization: at this point my timeline is totally messed up, and if it takes 3-5 days to get approval from the management company after the issue with On-Site is resolved, I still won't be in by June 2nd, because On-Site wants the information from the management company MAILED to them. Where-ever theyare. That means the SOONEST the inspection will be done is June 9th, and I need to seek alternate housing for a week by week basis.

The rough part will be sitting down with Cay and going over the timeline, and helping her sort and pack her clothing for homelessness.

Today I woke up with a headache and the resolve to see this through. Took my thyroid meds, made a cup of good, strong black tea, took some migraine medicine, then went to the sliding glass door to open up the apartment and get some fresh air through...

and saw that the sky was brown.

The wind had shifted again, and the smoke from the massive Whitewater Fire in the Gila National Forest was now blowing into Albuquerque. Air quality warnings have been issued, and residents have been advised to limit their outdoor activities. There goes the idea of a Bosque hike today.

Now today Cay is also mad at me, because I went to the store to supplement our food (which was just barely enough to make it to the end of the month, and now I'm squirreling away the canned goods and non-perishables for the week of June 4th) and I got veggies, plain Greek yogurt, and egg beaters egg whites. Now mind you, she's been complaining that the food we've had in the house has contributed to her weight gain (and mine too) and that the stress has her hungry, and she wants foods she can snack on, that taste like snack foods, but don't have the calories. My take on that was to get some plain yogurt, make a savory dill yogurt dip, and use it with cucumbers, celery and carrots.

So yesterday she cracks open a can of peaches, tosses it on the plain yogurt, and pronounces it inedible. That wasn't what I got the yogurt FOR... and yes, I KNEW she wouldn't be too fond of that. I probably should have gotten her some vanilla yogurt, and told her I'd go out to do it today. In the smoke. With my emergency inhaler.

Right now I'm so depressed I don't know which end is up. I'd wanted to get a book the other day at the thrift stores. Now two stores, THOUSANDS of books, and did you think I'd find ONE that I wanted to read? no. Not because I don't want to read, but because I looked at the books and said, "nah, I'm not in the mood to read that"...

What I really feel like doing right now is getting dressed, wiring myself up with my MP3 player, and dancing to the music I haven't changed (or updated) since I got the thing almost a year ago.... or just playing Cee Lo's F- You over and over and over again. It always makes me smile.

But first, I have some re-packing to do. I'm going to move some of my clothing and winter-wear from the smaller boxes I put them in into the big boxes I have, and leave the smaller boxes for electronics and dishes. That way they'll be easier for me to handle alone... or with Cay... in a few weeks when we have to move them out of storage.

... and THIS is why I get so stressed out:

2012-05-24T17:19:00.000-06:00

So remember last week when I posted about the $12 error on an account that resulted in my initial refusal for my apartment? And how this apartment renter checker site, On-Site, recommended denial based on that? And the apartment complex (same management company as the one I'm moving to) confirmed that I didn't owe them $12, I wasn't in collections, and this was all some sort of mistake? And how they sent an email saying so? And how the next step was to complete my background check and get my inspection done?

WELL... The management company won't do my paperwork until On-Site corrects the issue, and On-Site didn't care about a phone call and an email from the apartment complex that THEY say had me in collections... instead they needed a letter on company letter head MAILED. So basically, Riverstone Management needed to send a letter to Riverstone Management to say I never owed them $12, so that Riverstone Management can forward it to On-Site and then get the OK from On-Site to rent an apartment with Riverstone Management.

Now the mess with On-Site took time, and it STILL isn't resolved (although Riverstone Management at the Santa Fe complex has received the letter from Riverstone Management at the Albuquerque complex) and now it's "just a matter of getting the letter to On-Site, On-Site giving approval, and Riverstone Management giving approval.

Which will, they hope, take 3-5 days, plenty of time to get me moved in on June 2nd...

EXCEPT...

Once I'm approved by Riverstone Management, Section 8 STILL has to inspect the unit, which they only do on Fridays. Which means that if they don't have an inspection time open on June 1, I'll be homeless on the 2nd.

When I was there, I noticed a self storage place near the apartments (right between the apartments and Budget Rental Trucks). I've given them a call for their rates, but I'll have to rent the whole month ($100 for a 10x10, which should be plenty of room for my entire apartment) And of course, there's a cheapie hotel across the street from the plaza a block away... but even a cheapie hotel in Santa Fe is outrageously expensive.

Then of course, I'll be spending money on the hotel, money on the storage unit, and, while I'm sure they'll prorate the rent, the other expenses will cut into that pretty much... and I still have to pay the pet deposit... and I'll have to get a truck to move the furniture when we DO finally get this straightened out, although I suppose we could put the boxes in the cart and walk them over a few at a time... not something I want to try with the futon, the livingroom chair, or the TV.

Maybe the reason my wallet fell apart wasn't because it was old. Maybe it was just in despair.

Random Thoughts

2012-05-24T08:31:00.002-06:00

Last night my wallet fell apart. There was some wear, some loose threads, quite a bit of age. I wish it were because it had been overstuffed with money. That just isn't the case. Well, I figure I can get another for $2 at Savers.

Still no word on the apartment. I'm going to call this afternoon. I'm hoping that I'll find out that the inspection is scheduled for tomorrow.

This is all taking a HUGE toll on my weight. I'm still trending upward, and my daily fluctuations now exceed 5 lbs. I feel sick, I don't want to eat anything but toast and tea, and I'm still barely sleeping, and when I do sleep, I have these dreams that leave me exhausted. I've got a lot of recovery to do.

Want Tai Chi Chih DVD. Badly. Or to be able to get to a free practice. I need to feel more calm and centered, and I know that Tai Chi Chih does that for me.

It's really hot out these days, and the fires are starting around the state. Opening a door to the outside is like opening an oven door. Any going out I need to do, I need to do in the morning before the heat sets in. And if the wind shifts, we'll be getting the smoke from the huge fire in the Gila. I'm glad we both have our emergency inhalers.

I think I planned out the food pretty well this month. We'll have just enough that we won't have much to move... just the open stuff in the fridge like jars of salsa, the bags of shredded cheese, and some low cal salad dressing. Maybe we'll have a couple cans of tuna left, but I doubt it.

Today's shopping list: Wallet, dryer sheets, salad greens, Blue Bunny Sweet Freedom ice cream (the fudge bars, hopefully!), Kleenex.

I'm being more careful about my thyroid medication and my vitamins these days. I think that some of my blood sugar issues (which are right now pretty severe) are related to poor timing or forgetting my thyroid meds, and/or my vitamins. Even if they aren't, keeping up on my regime can only help... especially during all this stress.

9 days until the move. It's coming down to the wire.

How Do You Relax?

2012-05-23T21:37:00.001-06:00

Yes, this is sponsored content. But it's also my own opinion, and no different than any other writing prompt from any other source. And no, I don't get a payment for it. In fact, what I get are more ads. (this in response to a previous comment on a Life Well Lived Post).

Personally, I like these Life Well Lived questions. They make me think, and sometimes, like today, they make me think about things I really don't want to think too much about.

So how many times have I blogged (or FB'd) about how I need to start meditating again? How I need to learn to relax and unwind? and what a miserable failure I am at doing any of those things?

So imagine my dismay when the Life Well Lived question came through and it was:

What are your favorite relaxation techniques?
And what benefits do you see from practicing them?

Now my first thought was "now how am I going to answer that? I never relax!"... and of course we know that's not true, even a stressed out control freak like me relaxes sometime, even if it's just in sleep.

One of my big problems is that I don't relax by clearing my mind. I'm bad at that whole, "empty your mind" zen stillness. My head is going to be racing, so what I do to relax is let it race in empty, vacuous, and sometimes a little (ehem) low thoughts. In other words, to unwind I read bodice rippers.

Yeah yeah, they're so formulaic, so predictable, the plot is almost like a mantra, lulling the mind into a relaxed set familiar groove. And the sex is just titillating enough to keep you engaged and amused without having to offer up any thought on the matter. And if there's some humor to the tale, all the better.

I'd like to be one of those women who can find peace and stillness where-ever they are... who meditate on the train or subway, or who find a time during the day where they can empty their minds and achieve a kind of mental stillness, or who take time to slip off to a hot bubble bath with candles. I mean, I know how to do those things, I just don't know how to do those things and relax, which kinda defeats the purpose.

As for the benefits I receive from this, I can only point out that with all the stress in my life right now I have yet to pull out all my hair and run screaming into the street.

Romance novels are my guilty pleasure, my secret sin... but now you know.

Now comes the business end of the post, where I give you some links, including a sweepstakes link..

are you ready?

here goes:

Be sure to visit the BlogHer Life Well Lived main page and join in on the conversations.

and don't forget to enter the current Life Well Lived Sweepstakes... they always give away the best stuff.

Morning Reflections: Moving Out and Moving On

2012-05-23T08:34:00.000-06:00

I woke up this morning in horrific pain... so bad that I'd been dreaming of having surgery, a dream I haven't had in a long time. I shook it off and started cleaning and packing.

Yesterday I splurged $1.99 and got some pillow shams, which I put on pillows on my futon in the living room. The shams were plaid and not terribly good looking, but they had the same color in the plaid as the futon mattress, and picked up on all the colors in the place mats on the table. But once I put them on, it seemed that the rust futon, the striped place mats, the plaid... were all ORANGE, and that I'd made my room primarily orange, a color I don't really care for at all. Now I've taken off the shams and put on plain teal pillow cases, but everything still looks orange to me.

There are now less than 10 days before I have to move out of this apartment. The other apartment is not yet secured. We're waiting on the background check to get back, then the inspection by Section 8 (which is only done on Fridays). The possibility that in 10 days that won't get done and we'll be homeless is hanging over us.

Staying here until this is resolved is not a possibility. This apartment has already been rented.

Tay arrived in Florida last night. At least I know she's got a roof over her head. She surprised me by being happy and excited about her dorm room (which she saw when she stopped off at her college for orientation and registration on the way to FL) That's a big load off my mind and heart.

The TV show that Cay crews twice a month (for hours overnight, they tape 3 episodes every two weeks) still isn't paying the crew, despite months and months of promises. The next taping is after we move. If she'd been paid, she could afford the train back to Albuquerque and a hotel room twice a month. As it is, all she could do was quit.

Now I have these two trips coming up for the zoo, one local and one travel. I can't contact my partner for the travel trip, and I'm not terribly happy about that, since this was exactly the kind of thing that was making my work there less pleasant, and because now I'm regretting not just making that clean break from the zoo. The problem is, I really love doing the programs, and I keep thinking that all the rest will fall back into place if I just wait it out. I'd rather thought that Hobbs would be my "goodbye trip", but now I wonder if I'm just prolonging the inevitable.

Of course it also occurs to me that if I'm homeless for a while, having a week away where the zoo is paying for my hotel and food wouldn't be a bad thing, although I'm not sure I'd want to leave Cay alone in Santa Fe homeless, even for a week.

mmmmm... Cay is cooking up some Morning Star Farms fake bacon. Smells like the real thing from where I'm sitting, and it's making me hungry!

Turning down the "No Thank You Helping"

2012-05-22T17:35:00.001-06:00

When I was a little girl, there was something called a "no thank you helping" of food. Basically it went like this: you were supposed to eat a little of everything, so if you said "no thank you" to something, you got just a little bit of it anyway. Now that was ok if you were saying "no thank you" to steamed lima beans. But maybe not as good if you were saying "no thank you" to potatoes, pasta, or bread.

I think we all have situations in our lives, whether it's food or not, where we're pressed with "no thank you" helpings. Today I was asked for the umpteenth time to come into the zoo and do some data entry, recreating a book I've already made once onto a template that the boss is more familiar with. Thing is, I'M MOVING IN 10 DAYS. Not only that, but I attempted to turn in my keys and quit (and they wouldnt' take them back). Yes, I agreed to do one local (for homeless kids, how could I possibly turn that down?) and yes, I took a trip no one wanted (although I'm not sure if it's going to happen, I can't contact the woman who's supposed to be doing the trip with me) but I also told her that I wouldn't be coming into the zoo except for the week long trips and an occasional day trip for special populations.

I never noticed how many times in the past, whether with work, food, or other aspects of my life, where I've allowed myself to be pressed into taking (or taking on) just a little bit more. Sometimes it's guilt. Sometimes I just get worn down. It's never because "no" doesn't mean "no".

I've also noticed that most of the women I know experience this in some form or another... and it's not usually a man's experience. It seems that a "no" from a man is a very different thing for most people than a "no" from a woman.

In my case, I find myself repeating my "no" more often these days. Often as a response to the same request placed over and over and over again, but I'm not wearing down. I'm just getting pissed. Fact is, I've got PLENTY on my plate, and I just won't take one more thing.

No means no.

Ever feel like this?

2012-05-21T08:22:00.000-06:00

Me, too.

Fledged

2012-05-21T07:40:00.001-06:00

My baby has left the nest and is off for a couple months in Florida before heading off to college. I was able to hold back the tears until I saw what she made and uploaded last night:

She's been drawing these two dragons for while now... the red dragon represents her, the blue one is me. The images at the end of the video were pictures she's given me for Mother's Day over the years.

Busy Day... But FUN!

2012-05-20T17:15:00.001-06:00

I'm home recharging my batteries (literally) before heading out to the foothills to watch the eclipse. I don't have a ton of time, but I do have a ton of photos, so I thought I'd share some from today so far: photos from the Asian Festival Downtown.

Cay gets to try on Japanese garb

There was food, there were crafts, and there was music:

but mostly there were dancers:

And even Ellen and Cay got to learn to hula:

The Weekly Crazy... in PICTURES!

2012-05-19T15:38:00.000-06:00

Off to Santa Fe to get an apartment!

My daughter and Son-In-Law, here for the girls graduation events!

Cailin in the School Variety Show:
Arguing over making Briar Rose's birthday cake with or without magic

Let's Do the Time Warp Again!

(at the end of the Time Warp)

Yeah, yeah... I didn't get pictures during the award ceremony, but the girls, despite all the academic successes they've had, didn't GET any awards... possibly because they were student teaching the classes they had majored in this year, since they completed the advanced sections last year. I just didn't see the point in taking pictures of the backs of their heads in the press of seniors seated in the first few rows of the auditorium.

Graduation!

The Rush is ON! (and BYOC combo post)

2012-05-19T08:05:00.000-06:00

Yup, today you get TWO POSTS IN ONE. (try to contain your excitement)...

First, an update on what's going on:
Yesterday, ran around town with my kids and son-in-law.. mostly shopping stuff... second hand stores, that sort of thing. Then it was time for the girls' award ceremony.

And even though they went head to head with the award winners in competition for college placement and WON... they didn't get any awards. One reason was because a lot of what they were doing in their fields was teacher aide work (because they'd already DONE the advanced classes) and they don't give out awards to the students who taught the award winners to do what they did.

Last night we saw Dark Shadows. Having been a viewer when it first came out, I found the movie incredibly stupid, although I could appreciate some of what Tim Burton was doing, and I my kids are such Burton fans (and had never seen the original series). On the other hand, part of me wishes I'd never spent the money on tickets. It's one of those movies I could have happily waited to see on Redbox or Netflix.

Today is graduation day (hence the combined post, I doubt I'll have time to do two) and of course there's a lot that goes with all that. Tomorrow is Asian Fest and the Annular Eclipse viewing, and Monday morning as the sun comes up my youngest will be moving out. Busy weekend.

Now, for yesterday's BYOC:

1. What religion were you raised as a child, if any, and are you still a member of that faith today? Why or why not?

I was raised a Presbyterian... and I left it as soon as I started to reason about faith. First I became a Roman Catholic, then an Eastern Orthodox (OCA, which is an offshoot of the Russian Church) Most of my life has been ruled by the question: If God, then ____? What do I need to do to fall into total compliance with God's will. After years of trying to reason through faith (and this is where my Christian friends think I went wrong) I began to wonder if the reason there were (a) so many answers and (b) no answer that everyone could agree on or there was evidence for, was because the premise of the question (given God...) was wrong. Then I had to start asking, If NOT God, then_____?

That's when I started finding real, usable answers.

2. Do you have an all time favorite candy or do you change favorites often?

Werther's Originals. Always.

3. Are you a green thumb? Do you landscape your yard or plant any flowers or a garden? Do you pay someone to do it for you? Do you not plant a single thing?

The apartment life in Albuquerque isn't conducive to growing things, although I've done quite a bit of gardening in the past. I suppose I could start some cacti here... it just isn't the same as this, though:

Tay wandering in the front yard bulb garden, 1997 or so

When I owned my own home (back when the girls were toddlers) I pulled up my entire front yard and, with Ellen, put in a three season garden with bulbs of all kinds, roses along the front of the house, and a stone walking path that quartered the yard, with a weeping cherry in the center, and a stone bench at the head in front of the roses that lined the house. In the back yard we had different sections, with a Stone garden (with a Chinese wisteria) in one corner, then along the back we had moss rose that lead toward the other corner, which had local wildflowers. In the center of the U-formed by those gardens, we had a three tier raised bed of strawberries, and we also had mint growing kinda wild near the bushes that hid the neighbor's garage, and whiskey barrel pots of spicy peppers. Along the back of the house were various day lilies, and set out a bit from that (where I'd hoped to build the edge of the deck) were my lilac bushes.

So yeah, I've done a bit of gardening, but just haven't gotten the hang of it in the space (and weather) I have here.

4. Let’s just say you were a tattoo junkie and you were planning your next tat and it had to be words only. What words would you choose? A quote? Phrase? One word? Would you do it in English or a different language?

OK, so this was interesting, because I know what tattoo I'd like, and it's not words. It's this:

I'd have to have the colors and textures cleaned up a bit, this was the simple version for the T-shirt.

But if it had to be words, I'd probably have it (like a million other people) in Japanese Kanji. I'd choose this:

That's "river" and "forrest", which represents the Bosque I love. Now, where would I PUT it?

5. Repeat question: Summarize your week.

OMG! OMG! NO... NO! NO! YES... like that... YES YES YES!

The Storm Hits!

2012-05-18T05:55:00.002-06:00

Yes, I'm still alive. Yes, I'm aware that I didn't post yesterday... long story, and you can read all about it but first:

I read a great post over at Cranky Fitness today: My Screw Positive Psych Manifesto Of course I've laced this throughout my blog in recent years, and I may never say "screw it"... but I'm thinking it.

OK... so as far as yesterday went...

Woke up stressed to extremes at about 3am. Tay once again had every light in the house on. So I got up, shut everything off, and tried tried to go back to sleep. Around 4 am I gave up and played a few games online. At 5am I woke Cay to get ready to leave, and a little after six we were ready to walk down to the station and catch the train in to Santa Fe.

Now I'm not going to go through ALL the details, just hit a couple highlights, but the long and short of it was that it took SIX HOURS to get everything settled. We started at the apartment complex, but their computer was down and their copier out of ink, so they couldn't copy the papers they needed. After frutzing with stuff for over an hour, we said we'd come back and went to Section 8. What we found there was that the worker had just gotten the papers in yesterday, and hadn't reviewed them, and that the worker in Albuquerque had failed to sign them. So it took a few more hours to sort through all that (basically starting from scratch) and finally we walked out of the office with our grant voucher and move papers... and it's back the the apartment complex. So when they ran our approval (they use a service called OnSite) it came back as DENIED. Why? Supposedly there was an eviction or landlord financial action on my account.

Now this is where it gets kinda weird. So I call up OnSite, and they tell me that the apartment before the one I have now has me in collections... for $12. I started laughing, first off because I KNEW I didn't owe them anything, and second, why would anyone submit a claim to collections for $12, and why would anyone prevent someone from getting an apartment for $12. Then the person at OnSite got pretty nasty with me, and told me this was serious, and that I was in collections, and that I'd have to deal with the collection agency. I said, "No I won't. I'll just call Copper Ridge (the old apartment) and find out what's going on." The OnSite person wanted to argue, but I just said, "thank you, have a nice day" and hung up... and called Copper Ridge, who had NO IDEA wtf was going on with that, and sent a letter to the apartment I was applying to (they have the same management company) and that was (I hope) forwarded on to OnSite.

And of course my blood sugar is low, my stress is high, and I didn't have a meal between 4am when I had breakfast and 3pm when I finally got done with everything. I'm glad I had some Mojo bars with me, but it just wasn't enough.

So last night (somewhat predictably) I had these dreams about all sorts of people rejecting me and denying me stuff... During one part I dreamed the kids were little again, and I'd sent them to the corner store and they came back with a note from the store owner that they ran my info and wouldn't accept cash from me or the kids because I was "a money hound who knew too much about saving money, and who often didn't have enough and frequented food pantries, and that all my kids (even the adult ones) should be sent to live somewhere else". And of course I know that someone's $12 error doesn't make me a bad person, but after being scolded over the phone like some sort of criminal I certainly felt a little dirty.

Anyway, so today I'm feeling tired, sore, swollen, a little dirty (in an emotional way) and this starts Hell Weekend, a weekend that's supposed to be about celebration, but is mostly about running from one place to another, with poor food, little sleep, and trying to cram a lifetime of living in before my daughter and son-in-law go back to Florida on Monday... taking Tay with them.

So in all this, there is equal parts joy and pain, which I suppose is pretty much descriptive of life in general, but in this case, it's the sheer volume of both that is so darn overwhelming it leaves me breathless and exhausted.

Deep breath...

Now on with the day...

Morning Reflections

2012-05-16T07:12:00.000-06:00

Eating too much sugar can eat away at your brainpower, according to US scientists who published a study Tuesday showing how a steady diet of high-fructose corn syrup sapped lab rats' memories. Just another reason to cut sugar and high fructose corn syrup in our diets.

Tomorrow is a big day for us: Off to Santa Fe to do our Section 8 paperwork and apply for our apartment. That leaves us about two weeks to get it all approved and move in. Think that's enough stress?

With everything going on and the damp weather on top of it all, I've been having increasing levels, decreased mobility, and less sleep at night. I'm really missing my Tai Chi Chih about now.

Tay has, for the first time in her life, been asserting her independence somewhat this week in some very positive ways. It's made us both more confident about her moving away for school.

I've packed up the cookies and a lot of the bread to go to Florida with Tay.

This morning I'll be donating a bunch of stuff to Prairie Dog Pals for their garage sale, though not as much as last year. That's part of what's going on with the pack and sort we're doing in advance of the move.

I keep thinking with all the activity, I should be dropping weight. I think a lot of the problem is that I'm not sleeping, and that stress cortisol is pumping through my system. I think another part of the problem is that I've been eating too much while trying to keep my blood sugar stable in all this. Yesterday at the end of the day I counted everything up and got 1600 calories. I need to be UNDER that to lose weight.

Right now I'm so focused on the changes in the household (the girl's graduation, the move, the finances, that) that I can't seem to break away for some R&R. I wake up with my mind already racing... starting my thought process before I am even aware. I've been totally unsuccessful at finding some zen in all of this, and I know I really need to right now.

Why are there no puffin songs, or videos of puffins dancing? I mean, it's all about singing and dancing penguins since Happy Feet. OK... I do like penguins, but there's so much over-exposure on YouTube. Yet there's this video, which always makes me feel happy:

Plain Jane Unbranded

2012-05-16T05:52:00.000-06:00

It's no secret that I've struggled these last 5 years with my blog... what it is, what it's for, who's reading, and so on. I started the blog mostly for my own accountability. I figured as long as I had it up, it wouldn't hurt to slap on a few ads in the sidebars and headers, because eventually I'd get some benefit, and in fact it took about 5 years for me to get a check of any kind from Google, although I do get checks every other month or so from BlogHer. I'm not making the kind of money I can live on.

I've opened That's Fabulous for my reviews and give-aways in order to preserve my BlogHer ads, which are at least kinda steady... but I turn down as many reviews and give-aways as I actually do, for any agency. And yes, I'm a BzzAgent and I'm on MyBlogSpark. But I don't spend a heck of a lot of time doing any of that. It's not a full time job, and I'm not a full time Mommy Blogger.

It's tough for me, because I always wonder if I should have some sort of niche and develop some sort of following. Should I be acridly humorous like Jack Sh*t? Should I be hosting huge contests like the Bloggest Loser? Should I be developing a cross media presence like MizFit?

Whatever I am, I'm not a social or media blogger. I don't see myself as having a niche or being a brand. I don't have a particular message except "I'm nothing special, so if I can do it, you can do it, too!"

I sometimes wish I could come up with the next big idea... or that I felt motivated to promote myself more... or that for some reason something I've made or done will click and start generating income. But I'm not a creator anymore... I'm a plug away at what I've got kind of person. I'm not coming up with a lot of new ideas, just working through what I've got.

People talk a lot about fear of success. I don't know if I have a "fear" per se, but I'm not always happy with other people's definition of success. I've never been a go getter, I've always been a go-doer. I don't think that translates well into a "brand".

So what am I doing here? Venting. Keeping accountable. Sharing what I know. Seeking and giving support. This isn't my job. This is my life.

Dressing Room Dilemma

2012-05-14T07:01:00.001-06:00

Yesterday Cay and I went out to the new Savers (thrift store) which opened up a few days ago. Cay needed a couple pairs of shorts, and I wanted a pair of jeans and a pair of capris... something that wasn't stretch pants. I left with nothing.

Yesterday, knowing I was short on cash this month and still about $300 shy of what I need to move in two weeks, I wasn't going to compromise on fit or appearance. There are times I buy clothes to get me through until I can get clothes I like. Now that I'm not volunteering, I can schlep around the house in stretch pants. Right now looking good is way down on my priority list. Unfortunately, that means I'm also not feeling good about myself, and that makes it harder to deal with the stress.

The downward migration of my skin continues (if I wait long enough, will it fall off my feet?) and my hips and "back breasts" are sagging and ugly. The weight I've gained in the last year isn't helping much, although shudder to think what that sagging skin would look like if I hadn't put back on a little weight. There's now about a two size difference between my hips and thighs (much bigger with all the saggy skin) and my waist, which makes finding clothing a real trial. I may have to give up pants all together, because I can only find one brand of pant/jean that even comes close to fitting (Coldwater Creek). Basically most pants the front comes up under my breasts and the back is down to my crack... and because the butt is drooping so low, there's often a fold or bulge at the crotch of the pants, which is often a good six inches lower than my actual crotch. I'll never have to worry about camel toe.

Seeing myself, and the flaps of skin hanging over the waistband of the one pair of capris (again, Coldwater Creek) that came close to fitting (well, they were BIG.... I could pull them on and off without unsnapping the waistband) I felt angry, defeated, and just plain sad. I didn't do myself any favors trying to find clothing when I was under so much pressure with the move. Instead, I just subtracted from my already flagging sense of self-esteem.

As for the move, I do not have a plan, other than if I'm short going in, I'll have the June check to help pay for things. That'll totally wipe us out in June (when we'll be living on a total income of $927 for the household)... and until Medicaid straightens out their error and reimburses me the $100 a month deducted from my Social Security check for my Medicare, that's the income Cay and I will have to live within. That's $927 per month to spend on rent, utilities, phone, food, medical, and anything else we need during the month. I'm less than confident I can handle that.

The big problem for me is that confidence level. I feel less than up to the challenge and a lot of it has to do with how I'm seeing myself now, both literally and metaphorically. I'm just not sure how I'm going to fix that.

A Look Back on Mother's Day

2012-05-13T07:20:00.000-06:00

(cross posted at The Radula)

Back in 2005 the girls and I fled Florida as Hurricane Katrina hit the southern edge of the state and moved into the gulf. At that point, they were talking about a hit near Tampa. We lived on a barrier island just north of the bay, so we were pretty concerned.

But even more concerning than that was the mass on one of my kidneys, a mass my urologist was pretty sure was kidney cancer.

So we headed to LA.

We'd lived in a pretty small space in Florida... a 500 sq foot apartment that was advertised as "a studio and a half". The half was the small room I took for my bedroom. We kept a sofa bed in the living room for the twins.

When we moved to LA the space was even smaller. While it was considered a one bedroom, the 435 sq feet didn't leave a lot of space for anything

the LA apartment, taken from the bathroom

We fixed it up as cute as we could on our limited income, and again the girls shared the futon in the living room.

When we came to Albuquerque, we were living in relative luxury: two bedrooms, two baths, 925 sq feet. But since then, our homes have been getting smaller and smaller.

The girls and I have lived in close quarters for most of their lives... And now they're moving out and moving on. Well, Tay is moving out. Cay will be with me in a slightly larger apartment than we have now, and for the first time in her life, she'll have her own room.

For a while, I was charting their growth with photos from our cross country trip... photos at the Continental Divide marker in Thoreau, NM:

Sept 2005 (Katrina/ move to Los Angeles)

Jan 2007 (move to Albuquerque)

July (2007?) San Francisco trip for Ellen's Wedding

March 2009 (LA visit)

But just in this little time, I see them growing up.

It hardly seems possible that all of my children are adults now... and that for the most part, my work in mommydom is done. I'm transitioning from "mommy" to "mom", with all the feelings of joy and sadness and pride and loneliness that involves. And while I've been looking forward to this day for a long time, a part of me is also feeling a little lost.

My babies are all grown up.

I'm sure they must be having some new feelings about all this too. In 7 days, Tay will be moving out, going to FL to stay with Ellen for a few months before starting school. Ellen's spare bedroom, previously her office, is being temporarily turned into Tay's room. For the first time in her life, she'll also have her own room. Of course, since she'll be living on campus, that's going to be kinda short lived.

Watching them deal with the apparent suddenness of adulthood, all the changes with graduation, college coming up, and leaving the home, has made me very proud of them. They're learning independence very quickly, having been pretty much thrown into it with the issues with their IDs, dealing with Social Security and banks on their own, and working through some of the stuff they need to in order to get to college.

It's unfortunate that they hadn't worked. The economy has changed, and with a greater than 20% unemployment rate for teens, I'm not surprised that the kids hadn't found jobs. For Tay it'll be a lot different. There's work in Las Cruces for those who'll take it, and while I'm not sure she'll take work on with all the extra animating and volunteer work she'll be doing, at least I know she'll be following a schedule and doing her own thing.

Now for Cay things will be a little different. Work is much harder to find in Santa Fe, and her volunteer and internship schedules on top of the work she'll be doing in school are going to limit her time. She's still going to be dependent on me to provide food, shelter and clothing, although I hope as the next few years go by she'll be able to gain some level of independence.

And for me? I'm thinking farther ahead, to the point where the girls are gone away for their jobs or continuing education, and I'm alone. I've even picked out a nursing home for myself (in Santa Fe).

I'm no longer the young mother I was, no longer filled with ideas of sewing little dresses, or braiding my girls' hair, or taking the kids to gymnastics or dance or some other after school program. Today as mom I'm looking back and not forward, and I have to say, as rough as some of it was, I'm enjoying the view.

Saturday Morning Reflections

2012-05-12T07:28:00.001-06:00

It rained yesterday, which was good for the land, but didn't make me too happy. By the time I left the zoo yesterday it was dark, cold, windy and damp. Today I woke up sick.

I can't afford to be sick today. I've got too much to do this weekend.

One thing I've been thinking a lot about is sick food. When I'm sick I need things that are easy on the stomach. I love chicken soup, crackers, and tea. The thing is, I worry about the things IN the chicken soup and crackers... all the sodium... and of course crackers are just processed carbs. I'm craving those things today (between rapid dashes to the bathroom) but I just don't know if I want to send the girls out to get them, knowing that they're just buying salt and carbs, or if I should try to suck it up today and live on chai and water...

Belated BYOC

2012-05-12T07:24:00.000-06:00

Yes, yesterday was busy... and I'm a little late, but now it's time to BYOC

1. Are you a “wake up on the first beep of the alarm clock” or a “hit the snooze button 50 times before you get up” kind of person? Is your alarm clock set to the right time?

I'm a wake up long before the alarm clock rings sort of person. My alarm is set to 6am, which is when I want to get up. Usually I'm up at either 4am or 5am.

2. Do you decorate for any holidays other than Christmas?

My kids are WAY into Halloween, so we do decorate for that... although we don't do an entire haunted house like we used to, we do put up little things here and there.

3. Would you consider yourself a spontaneous fly by the seat of your pants kind of person or a massive OCD controlling planner kind of person or someone in between?

I'm a massive OCD controlling planner who reserves the right to change her mind and do something different at any moment.

4. Tell me some of your MUST have hair products that you use consistently….you know - share your “hair routine”.

Shampoo. Conditioner. That's about it. I'm pretty low maintenance.

5. Repeat question: How was your week and what are your upcoming weekend plans?

Went on my last zoo trip yesterday, but they wouldn't let me turn in my key. I guess they think I'm coming back. I don't think I will be... I need to be realistic about what I can and can't do. The rest of the week was all about fighting stress in my life, which I've dealt with on a day to day basis with varying degrees of success. This weekend I plan on getting a whole lot of cleaning done: Scrubbing the floors under the appliances, cleaning the stove drip pans, taking everything out of the storage closets, dusting the boxes, and cleaning the floors in there as well.

Mother's Day? Just another day to mother.

Old

2012-05-11T06:11:00.002-06:00

This morning Miz Fit FB'd this cartoon from The New Yorker, and said that she never, ever felt that way at 5 am (unless we do, too) and the whole thing got me thinking... which is, at 5 am, quite the feat.

If you don't have your reading glasses on this morning, it reads:

"I'm thinking about letting myself get old."

As if not aging is an option.

Now, I get what the comic is trying to say: sometimes we feel tired of our workouts, and we're ready to give up. That we can fight age (to some degree) with good health practices, because age = worn out and unfit.

... and to some degree there's truth to the idea that when we age, we are less and less physically capable. That there is some point along the line where our bodies will give out. And that eventually we have to deal with that.

Now, being a mature woman (a euphamism for someone with more years behind her than ahead of her) I realize that there will come a day when I WILL be worn down, worn out, and pretty limited physically. It may not come when I'm 60... or 70... or maybe even 80 (although that's pushing it). It may come when I'm 100. Because what's considered active at 20 simply isn't at those ages.

It's not a case of "letting myself get old". I'm going to be old anyway. But that doesn't mean that I can't optimize the quality of life between then and now.

When I was going to the Presbyterian Healthplex regularly, another regular told me about an older woman who was exercising hard. "You may ask why I do this," she told the other woman. "But I'm never going to be one of those weak little sisters with her dress on backwards." Now I can't say I've ever fully understood this, nor have most of my friends I tell the story to, but it certainly made an impression on me. What I took it to mean is that she was fighting... fighting as hard as she could, not to become feeble in mind and body.

Because it's not about the QUANTITY of life, it's about the QUALITY.

In our culture we lie a lot about age and aging. We say 50 is the new 30. We say 50 is middle age. And while we tout the very healthy, youthful-looking mature women in the media (a good percentage of whom have surgical or chemical intervention in the aging process), we really haven't prevented anyone from getting old, just looking old or feeling old. And that last one is rather the point: we don't feel as old as we once did, even though our life expectancies aren't getting any better (and in America, it's getting worse).

So it's not about not getting old, it's about optimizing our health at any age. We do it to give ourselves the best chance at a future, and the most strength and health to live whatever future we have to the fullest.

But in the meanwhile, we're vilifying the aging process... something that's natural and inevitable. And while, perhaps, you don't have to be feeble now, or next year, or the year after that, eventually, if you live long enough, you will be.

Ultimately you can't stop yourself from growing old, you can only attempt to postpone some of the effects of old age... which is a good enough reason to get up and run at 5am.

Morning Reflections

2012-05-11T05:18:00.000-06:00

Got a message yesterday that some of my friends can help me move after all. Now I'm only about $200 short on what I need to move (since I don't need to pay for a truck). That's a good thing.

The girls are done with high school... except for field day, the honors ceremony and graduation itself. I can't believe my youngest is moving out in 10 days.

Today is my last zoo program if I don't get a trip over the summer. I just can't come back on the train a day at a time with any frequency for volunteer work. There are plenty of places I can volunteer in Santa Fe.

I've been a little more upbeat. I'm trying not to let things get to me as much. I've got things generally going in the right direction now, so I hope that I can let up a little and coast a bit while I recharge.

I still haven't gotten down to the bosque to see those baby owls. I'm afraid they'll fledge before I get there. Today I'm booked all day... tomorrow I'm booked in the morning, but if the weather is nice I can think of nothing better on Mother's Day than to take a hike along the river.

((facepalm)) I'd been avoiding bariatric vitamins and taking mega-doses of the kinds you can get at the drugstore or supermarket. The cost of all those vitamins (which I pretty much have to mix and match myself) is HUGE. Today I was cruising the Celebrate website, and figured that I'd be paying LESS to just spring for the bariatric vitamins. It'd also cut down the number of pills I'm taking a day from 8 to 4... and one of those is my thyroid medications,another the aspirin, so the six pills I take a day (multi-vitamin, calcium(2), C, D3, b-12) would all be combined into a couple delicious chewables. AND since I can use the discount from BTV, I'll actually be paying LESS.

This week is designated deep clean the apartmentt week. I'll be moving appliances to scrub under them, cleaning drains (and traps) and scrubbing the grout. In part it's because there's company coming. In part it's because it will make it easier at the end of the month to move.

I'm still getting less sleep than I should, but right now the dreams I'm having are a lot less stressful, although still very emotional. I wake up with very strong emotions, but can't remember what the dreams were that inspire them. Today I woke up filled with hope and excitement. That probably would have been a good thing if I'd woken up filled with hope and excitement about 2 hours later than I did.

playing with scissors:

2012-05-10T10:37:00.001-06:00

Because you can't always change your circumstances,

but you can change your hair.

Riding the Drama Llama on the Highway to Hell

2012-05-10T08:11:00.000-06:00

Yesterday I devoted the day to laughter. I succeeded, for the most part, although there were points where worry consumed my mind.

And yesterday I realized that when things were going smoothly, or when I had to wait, I brought up problems I really don't have to deal with. Example: Cay's teacher is requiring all the students in her class to come to school next Thursday night and perform in a variety show. The performance is half their final grade... it also takes place ONE WHOLE WEEK after the senior's last day of finals. And in our case, it occurs on the day we are required by Housing to be in Santa Fe. Now we're not sure if we'll get back in time for the event. The trains arrive from Santa Fe at 4 (which will give us plenty of time) and 6 (a half hour after call time) and we'd still have to get on a bus to their school... and depending on what time the program ends, we may not be able to get home, because the buses don't run late at night during weekdays.

Cay needs to take care of this. And to some degree, she has. She told the teacher, but the teacher hasn't committed to what Cay's options are, and Cay is still concerned that no matter how well she does on the exam, she can only score a 50% on her final if she doesn't get to this evening program. Of course it's outrageously unfair to call a kid back to school... especially at night... to do a final, two days before the graduation ceremony. In fact, senior grades SHOULD be in by then.

But do I need to feel the level of outrage that I feel, and is it MY responsibility to deal with it?

There are times, like this, when my days are fueled by anxiety and crisis. And when I'm in this mental zone, I really don't know the way out. I find myself unable to relax, unable to sleep, unable to do anything until I feel everything is made right. And everything is never right.

And I know this all smoke and mirrors, it's all misdirection, because I'm worrying about things so I'm NOT worrying about the things that are really on my mind:

My daughter is leaving next week, and I likely won't see her again until Christmas.

I worry that for some reason, the apartment complex will deny our application (that's a feeling of being insufficient or unworthy, and a little concern over my credit rating)

And I worry about my son... where he is, how he's living, and whether or not his Social Security is coming in.

ALL of these things are just natural parts of my life. One of those things I have no control over. One of those things is something that's inevitable, and I wouldn't change it if I could.

And while I'm in knots over these things, it makes all the little things: the requirements on my time, my money, my attention, that seem to me to be an agonizing, crushing pile of minutia (or manure). In fact, I probably need to spend a very small percentage of my day filling out paperwork, and only a day or so a week in doing meetings and so on... which means the vast portion of my time spent in these concerns isn't really necessary...

If I could just learn to let go of the worries during those times I can't actually DO anything about them.

What I need to be able to learn to do is compartmentalize my life more. I need to say "OK, I've done that. I don't have to deal with it again for X days, and now I'm going to do and think about something else." then be able to actually go and do and think about something else.

I need to stop riding the drama llama down the highway to hell and enjoy my amble down the path of my life.

I need to lighten up

2012-05-09T09:08:00.002-06:00

both physically and metaphorically.

The school called with Cay's information already. Now I have nothing to do today. I should just turn off the phone and spend the day relaxing... or go back to bed... or go for that bosque hike (if it doesn't rain)... or meditate... or just enjoy nurturing ME today.

But I think what I really need to do today is laugh.

That's probably the very best thing for my physical and mental health right now.