Fabulous @ 50

Things I learned today.

2012-02-01T17:14:00.000-07:00

1-- The less I eat, the less hungry I am. I've kinda given up on the idea of controlling my blood sugar with frequent meals... and my blood sugar has been ok with that. I never was one to eat a lot during the day, but I'm shifting to having regular meals because I know that eating nothing all day and pigging out all night is part of what made me fat. So I'm taking smaller meals a few times a day, but have ditched the "every two hours" my doctor ordered. If it's not making any difference to when I have (and don't have) blood sugar drops, why force myself to eat that much? I feel much better now.

2-- There's going to be a lot less drama over my move than I feared. I found an apartment complex near the school (as I mentioned before, they were advertising a one bedroom) they have two bedrooms also, and anticipate openings in late spring/ early summer. They take Section 8. They have two pools. And yes, I'll get to keep my cat. All in all it seems a perfect fit, and I'll go up to take a look at them sometime in the next couple months. I just have to contact City of Santa Fe Housing to get the address and information on sending them my voucher, and they'll have to inspect the unit. Generally, if the complex takes Section 8, they already know what they have to do to pass, and it generally passes.

I have friends who have already volunteered to help me move, and it looks like, if Tay is denied Social Security as an adult (I don't know how she qualified last time she was up for review) that the three of us will be on the lease, although Tay will be at school most of the year. All in all, that all works to our benefit financially.

3-- Even though I haven't been to the gym in ages, I'm not terribly out of shape. In particular, I've found I could run a lot longer than I thought I could. Maybe I'll get in a little cardio happy dance today.

4-- I fell asleep during the weigh in for The Biggest Loser last night, and I was half awake for the ending when they showed the eliminated player, but couldn't remember it clearly. I went to the website and looked it up, and was pretty disappointed. Of course, I'd like to see the drama leave the house, and if the preview of next week is any indication, it looks like it's only going to get worse. I have a new favorite on the ranch: Adrian. I know what it's like to work out obscene hours and eat little more than greens. He did what he had to do to get back on the ranch, he's strong, and while I think he'll fall to the house drama, he really earned the respect that he's not getting on red team. Maybe I'll watch Glee next week.

5-- I don't need to have my yard sale this week. In fact, I can probably wait until the beginning of March. I've got too much going on to add yard sale to the mix.

Wednesday Weekly Weigh-In

2012-02-01T05:24:00.001-07:00

So today it's good: 195.8 lbs. I wish I could say I knew what I was doing right, but I don't. I've just stopped trying to analyze everything I put into my mouth. Looking over my food log, I can't say that I've eaten well. I've been so busy, I eat when I can what I can, which I would have thought would lead to a gain. My blood sugar has been very good these last two weeks, and I've been very active. The only concrete change I can point to is that I purged items high in Omega-6 from my cupboard. I do not yet attribute my weight loss to that.

Yesterday's post about the Santa Fe move drew some fire from a reader who thought I was over-thinking the whole thing. He pointed out that h'e giving his kid $45K to go to school, and that food and shelter was the least I could do. I wonder if he's a new reader. I'm guessing his he didn't sell everything he owned and moved to a different city so that his kid could go to school. I'm reminded of the parable of the widow's mite.

But I'm OK with that.

He is right about one thing though: I over-think things. Actually, I probably over-think everything.

So far it's worked for me. I mean, I go though these agonizing periods where I consider every possibility, weight out the pros and cons, and then strike. I've taken huge leaps of faith in my lifetime, and this is just one more. Sure, I'm sick of all the jumps and just want to land somewhere soft and stay there but the time just hasn't come yet.

Anyway...

Yesterday I got everything done on my to-do list. Tay has to have a re-evaluation by Social Security to see if she'll qualify as a disabled adult. It's only been a year since she was re-evaluated as a disabled child, you'd think they could have waited, or used the results from the last tests. Tay clearly doesn't see herself as disabled, and really doesn't give a flip about the Social Security appointed doctor's findings, although she does like the idea of having money coming in beside her scholarships, grants, loans and work study money. She wants to stay in Las Cruces during her college years, and plans on getting an apartment there this summer, which will require a little more than work study pay.

I talked to her animation teacher and asked how realistic it was that Tay could find work in her highly competitive industry. He told me that she was incredibly adept at the computer programs she used, and learned new programs very quickly... much quicker than the other students, and that the work she was putting out was incredibly detailed. His judgement? Tay was more than competitive enough to work in the industry. That's good news, because I know first hand (astrophysics... what was I thinking?) how useless a degree can be.

Yesterday I also took the first steps toward the move: Contacted my apartment manager and asked how much notice she needed (I'm off lease, going month to month at this point) and called Housing to find out how to transfer my Section 8. I also called the president of Prairie Dog Pals and let her know I couldn't be their new education co-ordinator.

Four months may seem like a long time, but it goes so darn quickly!

My biggest concern now is what to do with Tay over the summer, since she won't be able to actually move in with us... she'll be able to stay some of the time as a "guest". I may take her to Las Cruces early, or I'm even thinking of sending her to FL to stay with her sister for a few weeks.

Actually, I wish I could stay in Florida for a few weeks...

Weighing Everything

2012-01-31T10:34:00.001-07:00

Today it struck me: right now I'm weighing everything in my life... frequently... carefully.

Most literally I'm weighing my body (this morning's weigh in, btw, was 197.6, keeping me moving down and away from that dreaded 200 lb mark). But I'm also weighing my options right now.

And I'm having second thoughts about the whole Santa Fe thing.

Can Cay and I go from being mom/daughter to roomies? And is that even viable when she won't be able to contribute equally to the household? Do I want to give up my freedom and my position at the zoo? and my new position with Prairie Dog Pals? And the church I just joined (but haven't been back to because of all the stuff I'm doing)?

On the other hand, I won't have to worry about passing out in my apartment with low blood sugar and no one finding me for days. And I can get a bigger place, and there will be room for Tay over the summer. And because she's an added adult with no income, the rent will be lower so I can feed her.

But then again, should I have to feed her? Shouldn't she be more independent?

Cay is thrilled about the idea of me moving to Santa Fe. Her only concern is what to do on days she has to work the After After Party, and how she'll get home. Since it's only once a month, I think we can work something out. The original plan was she'd stay at my place (if I were in Albuquerque).

Now it's not all a done deal. We don't have the final financial aid packet, and it may just be possible with enough loans that she'll be able to go and live on campus.

The funny thing about all this is that I'd planned on going to Santa Fe some time in the future. I just balk when I have it thrust upon me.

I also wonder if the glamor will rub off Santa Fe for me once I'm living there.

I've just got a lot to think about.

These next several days are sunup to sundown stress for me. Some in a good way. Some just plain nasty. Today I've got to deal with the girls high school, paperwork, and the Social Security office. Tomorrow is grocery day. Thursday I'll be gone all day on a Zoo to You trip WAY out of town. And Friday is big shopping and bill day. The weekend won't be any better. I want to start the yard sale this weekend, but also have the zoo recognition meeting to go to on Saturday. I may set up, go to the meeting and leave one of the girls in charge, then come back and finish the sale. I may just wait until next week to do the sale. I still have a ton of work at the zoo to get done before Saturday (if my boss wants to have the new publication out for the meeting)

Well, it looks like I'm moving to Santa Fe

2012-01-30T19:37:00.000-07:00

Talked to Cay's school today, and there were far too many numbers in the "charges" section and far too few in the "credits" section when we sat down and looked at her tuition and other charges. She did get 50% off her tuition with a Talent Scholarship, will get a large Pell grant, and will be eligible for student loans, but will still fall about 6-10K short, depending on her loans. And of course, she immediately burst into tears, because it's the room and board that puts her over.

Sooo... she's staying home. Only we're moving where home is... to Santa Fe... so she can go to her first choice school.

I'm now eligible for portable section 8, so I can take my grant to any city in the nation. It shouldn't be too hard moving 90 miles away.

I've identified a possible apartment, and/or a possible complex to live in that meets Section 8 criteria, and unlike Silver Gardens here in town, it takes pets. Added bonus: Walking distance to the plaza with the Smiths, PetCo, and Staples, as well as close to the bus to Trader Joes and Whole Foods. And it's also near the Jambo Cafe... which is going to be a terrible temptation.

I won't be spending as much time at the zoo, but will work Saturdays while Cay is in class at the zoo, and I'll do trips still. I'll have to give up the position I'm being offered with Prairie Dog Pals. But we can do this. It's important.

Blogging at Break Time

2012-01-30T09:59:00.000-07:00

I've been up since 4am. No, it wasn't the cat this time. It was indigestion. I guess I have to cross East Indian food off my favs list. As well as cutting back on the Mexican. So I took the time to continue sorting and repacking. I've resolved to sell off one set of pots and pans, and I'll be Craig's Listing some of the furniture this week. I've pretty much decided that whatever doesn't go (except for the sofa bed) will NOT come back into the household. Books will go to Paperback Swap and clothing and misc items will go to the Prairie Dog Pals garage sale.

The only real down side to all of this is that I've got a huge volume of stuff, but very little quantity. But at this point, I figure every nickel and dime helps. I'm going to have to figure out more... but am down to just about nothing. If I sell my computer or camera, I'm losing future income. And my tv? Not worth very much in a sale, but worth a lot to me in relaxation.

So today is all about MONEY, not weight. Oh, even after foraging for leftover odds and ends to scrape together breakfast this morning I was still under 199 lbs, so I'm OK with that for now. Today is tax day, and I have to get copies of my taxes over to Sallie Mae so they'll stop sending me bills for $498 for my monthly student loan payment (which will be $0 when they get all the paperwork in) and I've got to run over to St. Johns, because they no longer do phone registration for food boxes and are strictly enforcing the zip code rule. I'd like to think I have money coming in today or tomorrow from BlogHer, but I'm pretty sure I get nada this month, so today and tomorrow I have to get pretty creative with the food. Today I've also got to get some reading done on my next BlogHer Book Club book, The Weird Sisters, which is more a fun read for me. And of course I'll have to deal with whatever paperwork comes in the mail today (I'm expecting stuff from the colleges), so I'll be spending most of my time sitting in front of the laptop today. Except for the trip to St John's (4 blocks) I won't get much in the way of fresh air or exercise today, but I'll make up for it at the end of the week, with shopping, bill paying and a long LONG day driving out to Seboyeta on Thursday for a program.

It's rough blogging at times like this, when there are a thousand things going through my head and all the paperwork stacked up on the coffee table. And a recent addiction to Spore isn't making it any easier.

((sigh)) Break time over. Time to get back to work.

Mine Mine Mine!

2012-01-29T07:47:00.000-07:00

As I go through my things in an effort to pare down (and have a successful sale to pay Cay's college down-payment) I begin to think about how silly some of the things are that we attach deep meaning to. For example, we have two sets of pots and pans. One is packed with stuff for my new apartment. It's MINE vs OURS. Now if I were rational about this, I'd sell the pots we're using now and just start using "my" pots. But then they wouldn't be "my" pots, they'd be "our" pots, and I'd be losing something of my independence.

Doesn't make sense? I agree.

When I was a battered wife, I started squirreling things away for when I escaped. Pots, pans, towels, a shower curtain and a shower rug... things I felt I'd need to start up, and things that were portable. I'm not a battered woman anymore, I'm approaching being an empty nester, and I find I have the same thing: A box that contains my favorite books, pots, and my shower curtain and rug.

The idea of selling these things is threatening to me. The idea of moving them into the household and selling off the items we're currently using is also threatening to me.

This morning I opened up the cupboards where I keep my serving pieces: my single platter, my two serving bowls, my two ceramic baskets, and my little candy dish. And even as I write this, I can see how I'm reaffirming all of those ideas of possession. I didn't say "a single platter, two serving bowls, two ceramic baskets,and a little candy dish" I said "my... my... my... my...". But the point I wanted to make was opening the cupboard, and looking at them created a sense of anxiety.

"I need these things for when company comes" (I only use these items on Thanksgiving and Christmas). "I need these items for when the family visits" (I don't use them most days now, why would I need to if the girls come over?) and finally ... and most ridiculously... "If I don't have serving pieces they won't come for dinner."

OK... now where did that come from?

There are things I have that I don't want to get rid of that I have in my home and see every day. My museum quality reproduction pre-Columbian pot. My stature of Ganesha. My big hunk of petrified wood. A sea urchin test. An ammonite. These are all things that have specific memories attached to them, and they are things that in some way reaffirm my sense of strength and independence... and they have very little value at a sale.

The one item I leave out of that list that I display is my little ceramic Navajo turtle, which I don't particularly like, but was a gift from my eldest. I can't understand why someone in California going to a Pow Wow would buy someone living in the heart of Navajo country a Navajo piece of sculpture. The stuff is a dime a dozen around here, but the reason I keep it is because I fear that some day I won't live in Albuquerque, and I'll want something Navajo to remember New Mexico by.

It bothers me to have the words "fear" and "threatened" and "anxious" attached to my possessions. I don't have a lot. My rooms are sparse, we have no dressers, no dining set, no bedside tables. We have no large pictures on the wall, no expensive electronics. Our dvd player is a dinosaur, our TV the cheapest we could get and carry home on the bus.

I've lost everything before... going to Florida with just the three suitcases, moving cross country with only what I could fit in the back of the mini-van. And there have been times when all I owned was some pots, a shower curtain and some towels. I would hope, by now, that I could have less attachment... That I'd be ok with getting rid of what I do have right down to mattresses, clothing, and basic cooking items. But I'm not. And right now all I know is the deeper I cut, the more it hurts.

Whittling Down

2012-01-28T10:14:00.001-07:00

Today I'm dealing with the (not unexpected) backlash of the work I did last week. I'm ok with that. That's just part of having Lupus. I'm planning on heading out for a little while in about an hour... off to get those experimental meds, and then, I hope, down to the bosque, where I hear that beavers are busily building a huge lodge in one of the conservation ponds.

Even though I'm kinda tired and wobbly, I think getting some fresh air would be good for me, and taking a walk down the bosque is my idea of fun. Because my blood sugar is a little low today, I'm taking Cay. She's good with that, because she wants to see the beavers, too.

Food is a bit tight, but Monday we can call for a food box and Tuesday we can pick it up, and we MIGHT be able to get a little food from the Rio Grande Food Project on Monday (if they're open, I don't go often, so don't memorize their schedule). We got a HUGE electric bill this month, which lead me to adjust our hot water heater quite a bit, and again lecture the girls on staying up all night on the computer.

The big problem with that is that I now only have a little less than 6 weeks to come up with the $400 down-payment on Cay's freshman year. At this point, selling off furniture is pretty much unavoidable. I suppose that will save me having to move it when I have to move out of here when the girls leave.

This week's theme for the family will be "WHITTLING DOWN". We'll whittle down our possessions, beginning to sort and pack for separate futures. We're whittling down on expectations, because we've got a lot to go through in these next 6 month or so until the girls are settled. We're whittling down on our figures (well, Cay and I are, Tay is trying to maintain) and getting healthy. Whittling down means making choices about what's REALLY important, keeping (or gaining) that, and getting rid of everything we don't NEED and is weighing us down or standing in our way.

Like a diet, it's often brutal and requires a lot of self sacrifice, a clear sense of our goal, and the ability to delay gratification. We're good with that.

What? No Post Yesterday?

2012-01-27T06:38:00.000-07:00

The last day of the trip is always hectic: pack the van, go to a program, unpack half of it, do the program, pack that half back up, go back to the zoo, unpack everything, put the animals away, clean all the cages and travel carriers for the animals and all their dishes, refill van supplies, and do a ton of paperwork. Basically a one day trip is all that at once. Yesterday was the last day of one trip... today I'm leaving on a day long.

I came home yesterday tired, swollen, and my hands so dry from the constant use of alcohol based hand sanitizer that they felt like they'd crack if I moved them. And I came home to the largest electric bill I've seen since moving here. Yes, I had a serious talk with the girls about how long they're in the shower, and staying up all night on the computer.

I did step on the scale this morning, and I'm not unhappy. I was at 198, which is pretty good considering the condition I'm in. I've definitely had a loss. I'll probably do my belated Wednesday Weekly Weigh in when I come back this afternoon.

Today's program is for a bunch of kids who are especially near and dear to my heart: Kids with detachment disorder, many of whom were abandoned as small children and never got to form attachments with adults or peers, being bounced from home to home all their lives.

As tired and sore as I am today, it's going to be a good day.

I just don't get it

2012-01-25T19:22:00.000-07:00

1- I don't get internet in my room, so I'm sitting in the lobby typing.

2- What I really don't get is how I ate the EXACT SAME THING today as yesterday, and at the same time, and yesterday my blood sugar was a train wreck and today it was normal.

3- I don't get how my collar bones and hip bones can be prominent, but I still weight WAY too much.

Today seems full of things that make you go "hmmm.."

Quick Update and The Biggest Loser

2012-01-25T05:03:00.001-07:00

I have a horrible internet connection at the hotel, so I'll make this quick and hope it goes through...

Yesterday afternoon was really rough. I just couldn't keep my blood sugar up, so I resorted to having some crappy snack food (read Doritos) after dinner. My sugar didn't even budge, but I did get sick to my stomach. I was so happy with my Monday blood sugar.... oh well.

Today I'm off to the same school I was at yesterday, only I have a longer lunch. If we have to eat at Subway again, I think I'm only eating the soup. One thing I like about subway is that they have an online calculator where you can plug in the ingredients of the sand which you're ordering and get nutrition information for each custom creation. Mine has been grilled chicken breast on flatbread with tomatoes, onions, bell peppers, cucumbers, spinach, and light sweet onion dressing.

Last night I watched The Biggest Loser, and while I found the episode (which was obviously shortened to make room for the State of the Union address) somewhat annoying, I'm extremely happy with who they voted out, and will be even happier when the drama queen on the other team is gone, and the house can get down to business of losing weight and competing for that quarter of a million dollar prize. It's been so hard to like any of this season's contestants, and the nasty social environment in the house is enough to turn anyone off... as was evidenced in last night's episode.

I may even be able to watch next week without feeling like a total sucker for doing so.

And I'll tell you, last night it was a near thing. I watched the two new episodes of Storage Wars just before TBL and almost didn't turn the channel and stuck with the old episodes of Storage Wars in a little marathon that they were running.

Today should have been weigh in day, but obviously I'm nowhere near my scale. All I can say is that my new pants, which I wore yesterday, were way too loose to wear again today. I'm OK with that.

Tired, but good

2012-01-24T16:27:00.001-07:00

So Farmington is well underway, and I until this afternoon, I thought by blood sugar was really good. It's a good thing an angel came through for me this morning, because my blood sugar didn't stay good. This afternoon I'm really struggling, and it's a darn good thing I have some protein bars (Slimfast, Southbeach, and Glucerna bars) because I don't know how I would keep my sugar up without them.

This afternoon someone called me from the company that makes the continuous glucose monitors. I was teaching, so I got a voice mail, and when I called back I got a voice mail (it was lunch time, so I didn't expect much different). I'll be calling back tomorrow during my break and hopefully I'll get through and find out what's going on.

I'm just not understanding why I dip when I dip. I have been recording all my carbs, fat, sugar, protein and calories, and I have found no rhyme or reason... which doesn't surprise me, because we've been through all this before. The only good thing is that it seems to me that the bad days are farther and farther apart.

Right now I'm sitting here typing in the motel room with an American Alligator snoozing on the desk. How cool is that? I love this work! Now, he's just a baby, but none the less...

At this point the hedgehogs are fed, and I'm pretty much free for the rest of the evening. I'll be watching The Biggest Loser tonight (what can I say, I'm a glutton for punishment) and resting up for tomorrow's programs.

Making Today AWESOME

2012-01-23T06:02:00.000-07:00

If you do nothing else today, read the post I Feel A.W.E.S.O.M.E on Miz Fit.

This morning I woke up at midnight, at two, at four, and at 5 when I finally gave it up and rolled out of bed. At midnight and two I was chowing down on Maloxx, hoping it would stop the horrific burning. It had been six hours since I last ate, but I still had indigestion and reflux. Then the cat started in. The day has all the makings of a disaster.

I've had little sleep, have no protein bars left to carry me through the long trip and (because we can no longer buy groceries but have to eat every meal at a restaurant due to new rules the city has) I have to anticipate issues with my blood sugar. There's a storm front moving in that will bring rain and snow today and tomorrow, and the weather is a lot colder up in Farmington. There are definitely things to dread about today.

But I've determined to make this the best trip ever, get a lot of work done both in the classrooms and scheduling my March trip, and to enjoy every darn bit of it. Although I'm well aware of all the things that will be difficult and go wrong, most, like the weather, totally out of my control, I find myself excited.

My biggest concern today is whether to run down to Albertsons this morning and pick up a box of Slimfast bars on sale with my last five dollars or to save that money to get the new blood sugar medicine my doctor wants to try me out on when I get home. I'm probably going to hold on to the money this morning and pick something up with it if I need it on the road. That seems like the best compromise.

On the home front, Cay and I were watching How Do I Look on TV yesterday, and she's decided to purge her closet of some of her clothing. She's torn because she loves some of the stuff that borders on the punk look, but knows she can't pull it off, and really wants to find a look that's her. I told her go ahead and purge (she has so much clothing anyway) and that we'd deal with her look in April or May, when we have to get summer clothing anyway.

We'd gone to the gym in the complex the other day, but only stayed a few minutes because on Sundays some of the neighborhood guys go down there to watch the TV and sit on all the machinery, which, of course, makes it impossible to do a good workout. And even if we just do cardio, it's kinda uncomfortable and intimidating to go in there to work out with the guys there messing around.

Oh, and next month I'm taking a new position in addition to my BioPark volunteer work, I'll be the Education Coordinator for a local prairie dog rescue organization. I'll be brushing up on prairie dog research and developing education programs for different age groups. And sadly, it's not a paid position, but it'll look great on my resume.

Funyuns

2012-01-22T10:58:00.001-07:00

Suddenly they're less fun... and less appealing.

a day of peace and quiet quelling the inner storm

2012-01-22T09:56:00.002-07:00

I'm planning on a day of peace and quiet. The current plan is to go off to church, relax and refocus during meditation, and meet some new people. Then I'll come home, kick off my shoes, and read a bit.

Last night I filled out the girls' FAFSA's online. The new FAFAs are easier than the old ones, which involved a lot of number crunching. The new FAFSAs only require you to put in total taxable income and untaxed income in certain categories. Since it specifically says "Do not count untaxable Social Security Income", it was fairly easy to just use the "0" and the "return" button.

Yesterday I spent most of the day stressing out again, both at the event (where I was a "floater" and ended up covering the turtle table in the afternoon), getting ready for tomorrow's trip, and worrying about Cay's college costs. Worst case scenario we'll have to find some way to make up an $11K annual deficit (approximately equal to my total annual income) Best case scenario she'll still have to max out her subsidized loans, but will be able to pay for her college without tapping into unsubsidized loans. Total annual cost for her (not including summer residency) is about $41K. Annual tuition alone is nearly $29K. The good news is that she's up for talent scholarships, that can pay up to total tuition cost, leaving her just with room, board, fees and books (still a hefty amount!) to cover with student loans.

And on top of that, I have to come up with the $400 deposit by March 15th. That kinda stinks, because I hit the loan shark office for a payday advance this month to pay for some of the other costs and get more food in the house before I leave tomorrow. Right now the plan is to pay that off next week, then see what we have left after bills on the first. Right now I'm hoping really hard for a low electric bill. I've got a plan in place for after that. If I can't save $400 out of Feb and March's checks by doing food pantries all month (I don't know what that's going to do to my weight or blood sugar) I can start selling off furniture. I'll know more on Feb 3rd, when I run the budget and pay off the Feb bills and loan.

I can also try for a larger installment loan at the loan shark office, but that's my last choice because the interest they charge is prohibitive.

And off course during all this I've been getting very little sleep. My blood sugar has been fine, I've been averaging 1400 calories/ day, and my weight is stable, but I'm breaking up my meals more and grazing through the day. That keeps me from feeling too hungry and it seems to help a lot with the sugar, although I'm noshing in smaller amounts more frequently.

It's no surprise to me that researchers have discovered that lack of sleep might result in more feelings of hunger. I could have told them that and saved them some grant money.

Tired but Happy

2012-01-21T07:13:00.001-07:00

I got home last night from the college late. By the time we walked home from the train station, it was full dark. I'd thawed out a little NY strip steak before leaving, and I'm glad I did. It was a nice little luxury for a late dinner on a day that was grueling. The college itself is amazing, and worth every penny of the cost to attend, but for us, the concerns over how to pay are huge. Right now we're just hoping for a full tuition talent scholarship. If we use only need base programs, we'll still fall short $11k for the 2012-2013 school year, because those programs are capped.

The cool thing is that the college has three sound stages, one of which was used for all the special effects shots for such movies as Transformers and Cowboys and Aliens. Everything is industry standard. I can't imagine a better place for Cay.

Anyway, I'm now keeping a complete food log, and comparing what I eat to my blood sugar levels for the sake of my medial insurance, which is going to require all this stuff before they actually DO anything, even though we went through all this last year, I guess it's all about doing it over and over and over again. It's going to be a little weird because I'm doing the trip next week, but that's my life.

This morning I awoke with another migraine, and I've been pumping in water and oolong tea this morning (even before I stepped on the scale, which is at 198.4lbs) and I suppose I'll be popping a couple Excedrine Migraine this morning before doing too much else. I've decided to try to keep tomorrow for for church and rest, so I'll be packing for Monday's trip today after the reptile and amphibian program I'm doing at the zoo today (4 hours of teaching, a couple more hours of prep). Some part of me thinks I'm going to get the girls' FAFSAs done before I leave Monday, and apply for the additional scholarships for Tay online.

I don't know how realistic that is.

I know I now have to come up with housing and tuition down payments for both girls by March 15th, and if I want to apply for early admission scholarships for Tay I may have to come up with $400 in down payments by Feb 15th. I'm trying to weigh out whether it's better to do that (I'm not sure we can swing it) or ask for a waiver that will allow her to postpone her downpayment until the semester begins, which I believe she qualifies for because she will be fully funded by financial aid. As for Cay, there's no postponing the down payment. I'm going to have to come up with the cash... somehow. If I have to, I'll sell our couch. Those girls ARE going to college.

Today I'm a little frustrated by a discussion on Miz Fit's FB page about cardio, and that sustained cardio, according to one article, is bad for you. The sustained vs high intensity cardio argument has been pretty confusing, and only adds to the cardio vs strength argument over how to lose weight and/or attain maximum fitness. The only thing I'm taking away from all this is that there is no definitive method for losing weight and attaining maximum fitness, but that everyone is willing to sell you something that's supposedly guaranteed to work (then tell you you're doing it wrong if it doesn't work for you).

Join Eggface in Making a Difference

2012-01-20T05:14:00.001-07:00

The line outside The Storehouse food pantry
one day last fall as I waited for food.

As someone who has had to use food pantries, I know how important it is to have a good selection of healthy food available. There are times these pantries go short, and people looking for nutrition have nothing but bread. While stores often donate day old baked goods, they don't generally donate canned goods and boxed goods. Those items come from individuals who donate, either through the store, or directly.

Today Eggface announced her donation, one item of non-perishable food for every pound she's lost. That's 158 items, from dried beans and lentils, to boxed pasta and milk, canned veggies, low sugar cereals, and juices. She's also issued a challenge to all of us, donate one food item for every pound you've lost to your local food bank.

I'm horrifically conflicted over this, because I would like nothing better than to be on the contributing end of this, and donate 189 food items. But for now, I'm on the receiving end, indirectly, and I can tell you from first hand experience, how much these donations are appreciated by those of us who struggle to keep food on the table day to day.

I'd like to offer my personal thanks to Eggface, and everyone else who donates, on behalf of all of us who benefit from your altruism, and whom you seldom see or recognize on the street: single moms, homeless vets, the disabled, impoverished seniors, and families displaced by violence, natural disaster, or job loss.

While I often blog about the issues of living at 50% below the poverty level, most people in my RL have no idea that I am struggling, and I'm sure there are many more of us out there who have no outward appearance of the difficulties we face day to day. Your neighbor, your child's best friend, and that friendly clerk at the market you chat up may well be living with crushing economic circumstances. You could well be helping someone you care about, someone you admire, or someone who has done you a good turn in life. We are not always easy to recognize, but we are always grateful.

Thank you.

Doin' the Happy Dance on the Train

2012-01-20T04:55:00.001-07:00

WOW! a lot has changed in the last 20 hours.

Cay has been accepted to her college of choice. We're off to Santa Fe today for the open house, but mostly now to do her financial aid. I'm actually off at 5:30 this morning, because when I went shopping Tay didn't tell me she was out of the things young ladies need, so I'm off to the store before hopping the early train with Cay.

Yesterday I didn't get out at all except in the morning, which I ended up taking off training, as my endo had supposedly sent in a new prescription for a different medication she wanted me to try before sending referrals to the insurance company for a second opinion at a different hospital (Mayo). Then there was an hours long drama over whether or not the script had been sent, why it wasn't in the computer, and when I was going to get it, because it wasn't carried in the pharmacy. I still have no answers, but I'm not going to worry about it too much until after I get back from my trip.

I had planned to go shopping after training, but there was a situation with Zoo to You that required my attention, and I ended up staying at the zoo until well after closing, then continuing the work from home.

I was supposed to start my food and blood sugar journal today, but forgot to take my reading before grabbing something to eat this morning. I'll just take it from here.

So it seems there were a whole lot of things I was "supposed" to do, or "planned" to do, but life just got in the way. I'm ok with that, because right now this is a good kind of frantic.

Once I get the shopping done and get down to the train station, I can relax for the hour and a half trip to Santa Fe. I'm kinda looking forward to that part. And who knows, with all the good things happening for my kids, we might even get some video of me doing the happy dance on the train.

Wednesday Weekly Weigh In (on Thursday)

2012-01-19T05:48:00.001-07:00

Well, I'm down a minute amount this week again. Unfortunately, all of the points in the graph are within about 5 lbs of each other, which makes me worry that I haven't actually lost anything. I can fluctuate that much in a day, and I'm going to need two things to make me feel better: First, I need to be able to step on the scale fully clothed and shod and NOT be 200lbs or more, and second, I need to see this downward trend continue for at least another month.

A while back I mentioned Cay's food and fitness journal. I'm going out to Barnes and Nobles to get one myself. They apparently have quite the selection, if the website is to be believed. My endo wants me to test more often and to log everything for a while to make the case to Pres to send me to Mayo. The problem is, even if they agree to pay Mayo, they no longer have to transport me to Mayo. And while this whole thing with endo is what's prompting me to do it NOW, I've been thinking I should probably carry a journal and start logging everything anyway.

I'm off to the zoo again today to train the newbies, but plan to hop on the express bus to Uptown and Coronado Mall, where I'll shop B&N and get some eggs and yogurt over at Trader Joes. There are also a few things I need to pick up at CVS or Walmart, so I'm less than happy about having to run around tonight at dinner time, but that's the time I have... at least for the next 11 days.

Where my case manager steps up to the plate and things get done.

2012-01-18T19:50:00.001-07:00

Today I was with my lawyers, signing my estate and healthcare planning documents, and my endo called (well, the secretary in the office) to schedule my appointment quicker than the March appointment that had been planned. Later in the evening the endo called herself, and told me that she never got the message about the problems I'd had with Acarbose, and thought that it might have worked for me (even though the other, similar case she used Acarbose on had not worked out either). So now here's the process. I'm trying out another drug, kinda to see how things go before the next step of going to Mayo and/or getting my 24 hour monitor. It's my understanding that the other person who has a similar issue also had no luck with this medication either.

Yes, I will try it, just to go through the motions. And maybe have a little hope for it. But mostly just going through the motions until we can get something approved that has some sort of decent shot at working.

Took out a payday advance, got dish soap, bar soap, and bread. Tomorrow I'll do some light grocery shopping after training. The pressure is off for now.

And I'm actually kinda looking forward to taking the train in to Santa Fe on Friday for open house at the university.

A little hope goes a long way, and it's nice to know now that there's a fire under these doctors and things are happening. They may not be what I would like to see happen, but at least we're moving forward.

Morning Update.

2012-01-18T07:34:00.000-07:00

I have some really difficult choices to make.

For today, I have to figure out how to get enough food and supplies in the house to last while I'm gone next week. I took count this morning, and it looks like we're going to just fall short. I know we're running out of dish soap. I've already made the choice to spend $10 of the $13 we have to go to Santa Fe on Friday. Cay's getting into college is her shot at not ending up like this. I worry most for her, because of her possible Lupus.

Yesterday my case manager called. I've got to get back to endo and G/I and she's pushing for the Mayo referral, although there is little chance that I can pay for it, and even if the insurance pays for some of it, I'd still have to come up with transportation. There is a test that could rule out some of the big concerns, but because of my surgery, they couldn't do it the normal way, they'd have to do it laparoscopically. Even if they could have gotten the probe down into my stomach without surgery and into the ducts, apparently there would be a 50/50 chance of pancreatitis resulting from the irritation of the probe. Of course, chances for complications are greater if surgery is involved.

So what I'm looking at is another $120 to $720 in medical bills next month, and the chance (should I consent to the test, which half of the doctors don't want me to get because of the danger) of becoming seriously ill. I am less than thrilled with that.

Today I'm going to have to deal with TODAY... and that means (sadly) a trip to the loan shark office. I can get a payday advance, and that will allow me to provide for the kids next week, get a third pair of pants for the trip (animal poop can be an issue when it comes to looking and smelling professional) and maybe even get ahead a little by picking up some groceries in Farmington before I come home on Thursday, since food is a lot cheaper up there. If I can get some shopping done in Farmington, I can probably make up for the payday advance fees, and be actually spending some of next month's money on next month.

The good news is that at least I have my new glasses, and won't have that expense hanging over my head anymore.

They aren't as fancy as my last pair, and they don't have transition lenses, but they are less heavy on my face, and I figure if I put on some makeup, you'll actually be able to see it.

and I was able to get the anti-glare lenses, which also helps.

The other thing I'm done with is paying for college applications and ACT tests. I took a pretty major hit to the budget with all that this month as well... and it took up the vast majority of my money last week. I did get a little food last week, and some items at the thrift shop (some $1 shirts and some shoes for everyone) which turned out for the best, because Cay walked through her shoes earlier this week.

I'm really looking forward to the trip next week, because despite all the hours of animal husbandry and teaching, I get to eat at restaurants. Unfortunately our clerk thought she was doing us a favor booking us at the other of the two hotels they use in the area (I'd only been in the Best Western), but the La Quinta's pool and spa are outside, as opposed to the indoor pool at Best Western. And we're expecting a winter storm moving in next week. I guess I don't have to pack my swimwear.

I've pretty much decided to have a serious talk with my primary care physician soon, and to put her on the spot about coordinating care and finding out just what the prognosis is for the blood sugar issues. At this point, my lupus is what it is, and I figure I can accept that this is the way it is. I'm doing so much better than I ever have been since losing the weight and working out. I'm thinking of risking it all again to go back to work. Once the girls are gone and I only have to be responsible for myself, I may take some bigger chances.

But right now I'm not going to worry about that too much. Sufficient unto the day is the evil thereof.

I'm taking it one day at a time.

I missed Glee for this?

2012-01-17T20:31:00.002-07:00

(no spoilers)

Watching The Biggest Loser, I find myself horrifically disappointed. Sure, we all knew from last week that someone was going to walk away from the ranch (and I'm not going to say who because it hasn't aired on the west coast yet).

I also ended up knowing more than I wanted to before the show started because of the FB and Twitter updates. Sure, I love the live chat on the NBC site, because you can GO there and participate, it's not splashed all across your newsfeed whether you want to see it or not, but to have east coasters and show contestants discussing the details of the show where it's going to automatically show up whether you want to see it or not really kills any desire to see the show... which I imagine would make the advertisers less than happy.

The one thing that persists in the show is the drama, and while I've been tempted to excuse the contestants dickishness as a result of the show's the editing to create more drama, but I see so much dickishness online as well that I can't help but think that NBC chose the contestants for the drama.

There's one person in the whole series that I give a rats arse about this season, at least so far... and that's Christine. She's gentle, she's strong, and she's persistent. I don't think she's going to win, but I do hope she goes a long, long way.

I asked Cay if she'd like to watch the show with me, and she said "Why would I want to watch them training these people like athletes when they're NOT athletes?" It occurred to me that the people who have kept the weight off have gone into athletic careers, often as personal trainers. And there are so many who have disappeared after the show. Where are they now? I know that not everyone leaving the show is going to be a personal trainer. And Cay has a point. On the other hand, I still find these huge transformations help me keep hope for my own transformations. But all the drama takes away form all that.

Last season was so darn good, and this season, the twist of going head to head against your loved one, was so promising. But as I said earlier this season, if I want that much drama, I'll tune in to the doings in Port Charles, not The Biggest Loser Ranch.

And the fact that I'm blogging rather than watching the weigh-in ought to say something right there.

A First-Rate Intelligence, Third Rate Finances

2012-01-17T07:28:00.000-07:00

The test of a first-rate intelligence is the ability to hold two opposed ideas in the mind at the same time,

and still retain the ability to function. ~F. Scott Fitzgerald

As an adendumm and contrast to the last post, at least when it comes to mood, I am looking forward to changes in my life, and my days are almost completely consumed with thoughts of what life is going to look like this year and beyond.

Beyond the thought of trying to get back to work, where I'm going to live (and whether I'll be sticking around Albuquerque at all) is the underlying health and fitness goals which I'm recommitting myself to in my life. In addition, I've got financial and personal goals I'm working on.

So, despite quantity of life fears, here are my goals:

1- Loose 30 lbs by August. Fantasy goal? Loose 40.
2- RUN the entire Run for the Zoo 5k (May)
3- Give myself permission to have fun volunteering, not everything has to be about my work future.
4- save money for: Transportation for the kids to college in August, a used computer for Cay, and possibly a car for myself.
5- Move into a place I really like and meets all my needs, hopefully before Christmas, not during the holidays.
6- Get back to a regular schedule at the gym.
7- (now this one is iffy because of the cost) get back to the Aquaplex daily.
8- buy that new, smaller bed I've been going on about for a year now (my back and neck are KILLING me most mornings now)
9- Take a modern Indian dance class
10- Start putting together all the art pieces I've designed.

Now I figure 7, 9 and 10 are my luxury items, although I consider them necessary. With the amount of pain I've had lately (from the weather or my bed?) I know that the Aquaplex is the best bet for health and mobility. As far as the modern East Indian dance classes, they cost way too much, and maybe I'll go to a class or two, but more likely I'll just try to get an apartment with a living room large enough to dance in and use video instruction. And for my art? Well, again, it's something that needs space, at least a small table, and space is at a premium here in this apartment.

The sticking point to most of this is going to be money, and I know I have to be realistic about that. My finances will change drastically in April, when the girls hit 18. Sometime between May 19th and August 23rd they'll be moving out, and rather than pooling our income, it'll be down to every woman for herself.

Even now, trying to get everything ready for college, things are tight. Friday Cay and I have to go to Santa Fe for the open house, and hopefully lock in her admission there. The round trip train tickets (with the online discount and our student and handicap discounts) are $5 each, and while I have $5 in my PayPal to pay for one of the tickets, I'll have to wait until tomorrow when my bank statement period ends to transfer the $6 out of my savings account into my checking, so as not to incur a transfer fee for too many (3) transfers in a statement period. It rather sucks to know that if I pool all my accounts and the remainder of my available credit on my credit card I have $13.37 to my name.

And I know a lot of it is because there is so much going on right now for the girls, and because I had to pay for glasses this month... and that this isn't going to be forever... just for another year. It's going to cost money to get the girls to college, to get to the family reunion in August (which seems to be a vanishing possibility) and to move into my new apartment, when-ever that happens. Then at least I can have some sort of stability... everything won't be flying at me at once from all sides. It'll just be ME to take care of ME.

I can do that.

Where the wound of my anger over health care gets picked open by my case manager...

2012-01-17T06:56:00.001-07:00

Yesterday I got a call from my case manager. She was supposed to discharge me a year ago, but didn't because there are concerns related to my surgery. Mostly, I suppose, she didn't discharge me because I was fighting to get the excess skin removed. Then this thing with my blood sugar came up. That means she's still calling me once every month or two to check up,

The problem is, she's not authorized to do anything but call me and report back to the insurance company. Every now and then she makes some calls to try to find out what's going on when I'm given the run-around. Most often I hear nothing. Sometimes she calls back to say that a doctor never submitted this or that.

I've been getting the run around over my blood sugar for over a year now. The G/I thinks it's dangerous, and that I should be referred to the Mayo. I heard her dictate a message to my Endo saying that very thing. Nothing has come of it. The Endo never put in a request for the 24hr blood glucose monitor, only one for the test, which I took. Her notes say that since adding more fat to my diet, I have my sugar under control. My blood sugar is not under control.

I've always felt very keenly the quality of service gap between private and public insurance. Yesterday it was confirmed again when she said "I know the Mayo has stopped taking some Medicare and Medicaid patients." She was telling me that no one was going to cover my care, and that I needed care.

Thanks a lot. I'll just crap out a gold brick now so I can pay for the care I need.

I know these people have to keep some professional distance. But it really bugs me to know that no one gives a damn what happens to me, that it's all a matter of whether or not I can come up with thousands of dollars for surgeries, treatments, and flights out of state to a different hospital.

There comes a point when the realization sets in: The doctors aren't going to do anything beyond see me in office visits, which they get compensated for by insurance, send me for the same inconclusive tests over and over again because those are the ones the insurance pays for, and tell me that I need something different, but can't have it because the insurance won't pay for it, so they won't even try so I can fight it in appeals.

Most days I have some acceptance with this. I am trying to find ways to live with my health issues. I've never let that stop me. I don't feel particularly beaten, just resigned, because I'm a realist, and I know that not every battle is won. And while I do worry that some day I'll pass out alone in my home and die, I also know that it happens to everyone at some point or another, and that my concern now is with quality and not quantity of life.

My G/I, on the other hand, seems concerned enough about the quantity to have contacted my Endo, but not concerned enough to push things and make the referral to Mayo herself. And my case manager? Well, she's making calls, but I wouldn't be surprised to hear that she can't find anything on record, and that while I should push for this or that, the insurance company will likely turn it down.

So what's the point in having a case manager like this anyway? She's not managing my case, and these days it feels more like voyeurism than assistance.

The Revolution, Follow Up

2012-01-16T16:12:00.001-07:00

Well, I'd had something different in mind, and I was curious to see how this was going to work as a daytime show. And right now I'll probably reserve judgement on it. Some of it I liked a lot. Some of it just seemed like any other daytime show, albeit with more hosts.

I have to admit, by the time it was on I was suffering some ugly intestinal problems, and I honestly wasn't giving the show the focus I'd wanted to. OK... Mostly I was curled up in a fetal position on the couch. Some of the parts I did pay more attention to was the makeover of the two women who were undergoing their "revolution", and a spot with Ty Pennington where an audience member was guessing which common household goods could be used for various common repairs/ problems, like scratched CDs. That last spot was kinda boring for me, because it was all stuff I knew or had used myself.

I'll be watching it again, probably not during the day because of my schedule, but on On Demand.

The Revolution

2012-01-16T10:03:00.002-07:00

OK... so I've heard about it. Briefly. Until now, when I see it all over my sidebar and top banner. The Revolution, a new show on ABC. LOL after my last post, I guess this is just what I need.

What I like about the show is that it addresses multiple needs, not just the body, not jus the home. It's about a total life make-over.

So how do I get on?

I've never been so happy to have advertising on my page, especially since I can use the roll-over on the ads to get a video sneak peek of the show... saves me embedding it here!

I'll be watching it and blogging it. Will you?