The Kenyan Homo Fatal

Mental Musings

2011-12-16T02:05:00.001-08:00

I know. Strange title for a post. But I am at a point in my life where I have realized that this smorgasbord of thoughts is will go on and on ad infinitum. Blogging is good, but I have realized that it feeds some of the repetitive thoughts I keep having and that mulling over things in my head and penning them does not solve them. And I am getting tired of the whole existential trip where I indulge in self indulgent blogging to try and sieve my thoughts. Honestly, I am at a plateau in my life and I like the fact that I have realized that life is a marathon, and there are always going to be hurdles to jump and that it's ok to have the obstacles. That's what life is all about. It's the human experience and there ain't a damn thing we can do about it :-)

I am currently juggling the advances of 3 guys. All 3 want to date me so I have to pit them against each other and see who is sound and mature enough to date. All 3 have their attributes and demerits. You could say that all 3 are alpha male types, and very attractive and have magnetic personalities, which makes it all the more difficult. I am leaning towards the youngest because he seems genuine. So let us see how it goes. Apparently I am an excellent cook because they all think so...and I realized that the whole thing about the way to a man's heart and stomach thing - so true! Well that, and mind blowing sex and no nagging. They'll be like putty in your hands :-)

I am headed home - the Coast for the holidays. I plan to live it up with my girlfriends who are coming down too. Here’s to Shawarma, Old Town and Nyali Beach. :-))

Later, Lovelies

Here I Am

2011-10-03T09:43:00.001-07:00

Hi guys, I know. It's been another year that just passed by like really fast. I am back, but as usual, I won't be posting much. I just wanted to check up on all you guys and find out how you're doing. Life is grand for me, and I have come to accept both the good and the bad.

So, did y'all miss me? I am back, so let's get this baby on the road :-)

BREAKTHROUGH...

2010-10-02T16:17:00.000-07:00

Hey y'all, I'm back after close to a month of not posting. Now, as usual, a lot has changed in the span of a month. I'm shedding off the old me slowly but surely. In that connection, I have an announcement to make (I feel like a prefect in the school dining hall about to address the student fraternity hehe) - I broke up with S a.k.a Mr Tall and Big Feet. It had to happen, and this is why.....I have come to the realisation that I fall for the wrong men. I know - cliché, but it has to be said. S was secretive and couldn't honor his promises, so I kicked him to the kerb. I'm just tired of repeating the same patterns over and over. It's time to break free. As it is, I'm not getting any younger. I need to confront my demons and get rid of my insecurities so I can find a man worthy of my love. I'm not gonna be falling for the next hot mess that comes my way, aint no way that's gonna happen. It's time to move on up to the next stage in my evolution. S was a great guy, though I felt that he had so many secrets and just couldn't commit. All of a sudden, I feel like Bridget Jones, with the remaining female eggs sitting somewhere in the dark crevices of my fallopian tubes, growing older and unviable as the years go by. For the record - No I don't have fallopian tubes (maybe too much estrogen, but I'm not complaining. It gives me an amazing skin complexion) nor eggs. I'm just a gay guy trying to live life the best way I know how. Now that S is out of my life, I feel like my internal compass has been reset, and my transformation can continue unabated.

The new semester has just began, and I'm already exhausted thanks to the mass confusion that is inherent in public universities.They're fixing the road leading to Uni, and as such, the road is dusty. Put in another way, the sand storms in the Sahara would be preferred than the dust on this road. I can't wait for the rain, so that it can wash away the dust and bring some semblance of sanity. In other related new, there seems to be an explosion of gays in campus everywhere you look. Problem is, they're all young, naive freshers (first years) who wouldn't know how to fuck you even if you gave them a powerpoint presentation complete with flash images and audio snippets where needed. Meh.

I went home the beginning of last month and had the time of my life. My sister and a friend were trying their luck with the Assessment Day that had been planned by this big airline that I have been trying to get into since 2008. I trained them in poise, body language, what to say and how to say it. I was particularly hard on my sister, and inadvertently easy on the other girl. Sis got to the second last stage but made a fatal mistake after which she was eliminated. The other girl was eliminated at the first round. After that, we took a tour of the town - I'm from the Coast - went to the beach, the Old Town, bought spices, and had a gay old time. For the first time in a long while, I enjoyed my homecoming. Good memories :-) I just might post pictures at a later date if y'all are good *smile*

What else is new? I finally got myself a laptop, and I am now sleeping better and being more productive. I feel more confident, focused and grounded. Life, as the Americans put it, can be wobbly. You just have to know when to ride the wave, and when to let go? Am I happy? I'm getting there. Am I content? You bet. I have my days, but I have learnt not to wallow in that funk for too long. I can pick myself up, dust myself off, and keep moving, cos that's what you have to do. Keep moving. Love and Light xx

HORMONAL NIGHTS

2010-09-05T17:54:00.001-07:00

The other day, I decided once and for all to fix my nokia 5200. Its screen had died and the microphone wasn't working, such that when someone called, I could hear them but they couldn't hear me. I had to fish out my handsfree kit from my pockets to receive a call, which just became very frustrating very fast, so it was a relief when the screen 'died', but it was a short-lived relief. I was launched into a mad panic and ran, road-runner style, to the fundi to have it fixed when I realised it was either I get it fixed or I continued to use my new LG KS360 which was a phone from the pits of hell user-friendly wise compared to my trusty Nokia. I had to pay an arm, leg and half a liver to have it fixed but it was so worth it. Now I'm back to posting on the blog using mobile technology.

In other news, Mr Tall and Big Feet is back in my life. As promised, I looked for him after 'breaking it off' back in February. The mum is being a buzz kill about our thing - if you ask me, she's being overly protective. He's a quiet and reserved guy, doesn't talk too much. I think he has feelings for me, though I don't know to what extent these feelings run? After my last disaster 'relationship', I find it hard to trust. I know, how cliché. I just wanna barf, reading that last sentence hehe. I don't know what's going on in his mind and it drives me crazy when I pick at it and ask him what he's feeling. I think I'd have much more luck coaxing a turtle out of it's shell, that's how much he's closed up. Obviously , I like him loads, otherwise I wouldn't be bothering and obsessing about this stuff. I recently started watching The Real Housewives of New York, a reality tv show produced by the Bravo Network, who brought you, among other stellar productions, Project Runway and Make me a Supermodel. Now, there's this woman called Betheny that I can totally relate to. She's gorgeous, fiercely independent, makes her own money and calls the shots in her own life. She however falls for the wrong type of guys, that'll never commit. She also has the habit of heading for the door whenever she senses trouble in the relationship. I was crying like a little bitch while watching her, it was as if I was watching my life reflected in my tiny fifteen inch telly. All the men that come into Betheny's life are great - disarming, successful and protective. She just has serious trust issues and does the whole Black Widow routine over and over, while her friends stand by and watch, then pull her aside and hold interventions upon interventions - I swear if they knew how, they would lay hands on her and cast out the demons of mistrust and fear of intimacy. Back to me - I know S (Mr Tall and Big Feet) has the best of intentions, then why can't I just let go and just fall? I need to go back in my past with the help of meditation and hypnosis (I've learnt to induce these two on my own, up yours conventional therapy hah!) and identify a time when I felt abandoned and neglected by my father, and resolve and unfurl this knob in the rope that is the story of my life. One thing's for sure - I can't live like this anymore. I'm tired of the bad boys. I really am. I'm ready to give up the awesome sex they give, and look beyond my looks and try to make something work. I have my head screwed on right this time around, and armed with the right resources and a fighting spirit, I believe I can do this. Wish me luck guys! xx

Evolution

2010-08-08T10:06:00.000-07:00

I know, you guys must be wondering where I disappeared off to. Well, I'm glad to tell you all that I'm back, thanks to the amazing twin technologies of the Finns , namely Nokia and T9.

So the other day, my OCD built up into a frenzy and I couldn't take the constant speculation and random compulsive internet trolling for signs that I could've contracted HIV. I woke up the next day, up to my ears in obsessions and anxiety that could , if harvested, feed and engorge a thousand penises. Anyway, I digress.

So, I wake up, take a shower, put on my favorite white shirt and pants, buff my black shoes to a high shine, and head on down to the uni vct. Fast-forward to the test - I'm nervous, but my rational mind tells me I have nothing to worry about, despite having dated a compulsive-cum-pathological nutcase liar back in December. Hell, he used to sell sex back in the day! And he was uncircumcised, which meant it would've been much easier to catch anything from him. We never engaged in risky sexual behaviour, but you never know these days. I felt like screaming out halleluya when the results came out negative. I was beside myself, and I felt, for the first time in a long time, that I was finally free to begin life afresh.

This test was a precursor to many achievements, one of which was finding my missing marks after four months of frantically looking for them at my school at uni. My lecturer, keen to help me graduate, was willing to help me find the marks, but he was such a mouse, and preferred that I follow the regulations i.e prove that I had paid my fees for the particular semester that my marks were missing from. I had to raise hell and scream down everyone at the department to get my marks put down on the records. I engaged in a bit of homodrama which eventually helped as I got my marks, closing a four month chapter in my life. Public universities and their shameless, corrupt bureaucracy.

Now that I feel that I have to the point in my life that prompts me to make an evolutionary change, I feel that I am ready to love again. I have a couple of guys I have in mind, one being Mr Tall and Big Feet who came to my rescue back in January when my life was falling apart, and wanted more than I could give at the moment. I feel I should give us a try, since he was kind to me and I have feelings for him. Candidate number two would be my ex who just came back from the middle east, a very stylish gentleman who makes me wanna show him off to my friends, and a good lay. We click on a fundamental level. I dumped him about two years ago for no reason. I now feel like I should pick up from where we left off. I'm weighing my options, although I now know that love knows no logic.

This brings me to my next line of thought. Logical or critical thinking. A year ago, I didn't have this ability. I was always the intuitive type, always going with the flow. The mexican-kenyan drama that unfolded right in front of my eyes last december thanks to my ex forced me to change my ways if I was going to survive. These days I am less emotional, more systematic and make better choices. I see the bigger picture, and am more objective. This new way of thinking has saved me a lot of heartache. I am stronger. More shrewd. Wiser. I have Evolved.

Lastly, my friend went for the interview I had back in April. Hers was last week. I met up with her to help her pick up a suit after she beat the competition and made it to the finals. We did her makeup and nails, and over chai lattes at T Spot, I gave her a mock interview to assess how prepared she was, and then wished her all the best. I have a good feeling that she'll get in. In a way, all that I went through back in April is about to pay off when she gets accepted into this prestigious company.
I hope to join her next year, when my time comes.

Here's to a beautiful future, filled with optimism and fortune!

Til next time, my lovelies xx

I'm Back :)

2010-06-10T00:26:00.001-07:00

So, after a long hiatus, I have decided to make a comeback. Granted, it's not a Whitney-type comeback, I'm still gonna rock my return. A lot has happened since the last time I wrote. Lots of school, interviews, love affairs, family intrigues, you name it, I've done it. Seems I've been an Experience Whore, no?

So, I went for my life-changing interview, and made it to the finals after twelve hours of gruelling group work sessions, IQ and English tests, and lots of nerves. I had so much pegged on this interview - it was to be my window to my escape from school, family and a lack-lustre life full of boring and straight people dipped in a primordial soup of unending clichés and tacky fashion tastes. But you get my point. At the end of the twelve hours, there was nine of us, out of an initial ninety five applicants. And lo and behold, yours truly was the only male in the room (technically-speaking, that is.) The rest were female. I was beside myself with excitement. I could already see it - world travel 35000 feet in the air, amazing layovers, beautiful exotic men in far-off lands, tax free salary, discounts, shopping, shopping and more shopping! We were booked for individual interviews once our papers were checked - passports, birth certificates, you know the drill - and mine was slated in a few days from the preliminary interview. The beaming recruiters then proceeded to give us a promotional DVD about the company and sent us on our way.

Two days later, I walk into the grand hotel , as confident as Oprah doing a Favorite Things episode (Oprahphiles, you know what I'm talking about lol) I proceed to wait , clammy hands and all, for my turn to be interviewed. Upon walking in, I realise that it is going to be a two to one type of interview. Adrenalin shoots through the roof. The questions are tough and abstract, mostly to do with previous work experience. Fourty five minutes later, the interview concludes, and I walk out, hopeful that it went well. Granted there were a few awkward moments, I nevertheless felt I had done my best. My comme ci comme ça boyfriend comes round the hotel to pick me up. We chat for a while and he drops me at my stage. I head home, glad the day is over.

Barely four days later, I get an email from the recruiters. Unfortunately , I have been rejected. I am crushed. My instincts fire up for a micro-second, sensing something isn't right. I decide to disregard that feeling, choosing to proceed to cry my eyes out. For the next two days, I don't leave the house. I am devastated.

That night, something strange happens. I watch the news - the regular death, destruction and political intrigues. But then, something catches my eye. A news piece about the Dubai Visa fiasco. Then a line about a group of nine job-seekers who had done an interview in Nairobi a few days ago being denied visas by the Dubai Immigration. I hark back to my hunch just after getting my rejection email. Everything falls into place. At the same time, an epiphany - life is unpredictable. I am not, after all, the master of my destiny. There is a bigger entity pulling the strings. Call them God, Buddha, The One, Zero, Destiny, whatever name you choose, it doesnt matter. I did everything right to ensure I get the job. Heck, I beat all the other guys! At the end of it all, I went for what I wanted, and I never really got it, but it doesn't matter at all. Having made it to the final interview, I was 'penalised' for the duration of a year i.e I am not allowed to apply until a year relapses. Here's hoping the third time will be a charm. This is my destiny, I can feel it in my bones. Wanderlust calls, and I have no option but to answer.

Apart from that , I underwent a near ego death, some kind of awakening, but I was too scared to let go, fearing what I would discover on the other side. I won't go much into this experience, but in case you're wondering what this nutcase is talking about, Google is your best friend. Check out Ego Death , and The Veil of Maya.

'Til next time
xxx

DREAMS AND LEOPARDS

2010-03-25T13:21:00.001-07:00

It's been exactly a month since I wrote. First of all, thank you for your comments. They make me feel like I'm not just fumbling in the dark, and that maybe I could be helping out some kid somewhere going through almost exactly what I'm going through.

I'm in bed, with a raging headache, under leopard print sheets, writing this. A new love interest has come into my life. Great guy, very 'stable' and he's taking things slow with me. Admittedly , he's a bit of a geek, but I'm not complaining. I won't rush this one. I'll get to know him in and out before committing to anything. This time I'm going to be rational. Emotional or downright kooky didn't work in the past, so it's only natural that I evolve.

School is a pain in the tuchus, but there's nothing I can do about that. I just have to keep moving. By the way, I absolutely love that Whitney is back. I love her comeback I Look To You album, it's an amazing piece of work, that saw the music giants of the industry come together to put out an album that is strong and which has mass market appeal. I don't care what anyone says about her voice - the truth is that she survived crack and a host of other drugs and came back to life, and continued doing what she does best. An absolute inspiration to yours truly. My music player can attest to that :)

OK, that was random lol. Exams are coming up, a big a** interview that could radically change my life is on its way, and things are looking up. I can't complain. I have the faith and trust and resilience that is needed to keep moving.

Goodnight everyone ;)

Whitney Houston - Step by Step

INTO THE DEEP

2010-02-25T13:33:00.001-08:00

So, the last time I wrote, I had just come out of this ridiculous relationship and was nursing my wounds. I'm glad to report that they have somewhat healed. My new love interest, however, slunk off into the dark. His folks came to know about us, which caused drama , that resulted in him being put on lockdown. I saw him last weekend after three weeks, and he was looking like he was carrying the weight of the world on his shoulders. All because of me. Let's just say that when he left , things went from bad to worse. I just feel I cannot maintain a relationship with someone undergoing a traumatic experience. The best thing to do, in my case, would be to support him in this trying time as he did me a month ago, and then check up on him a few months later to see if he's ready to give us a chance. Sometimes it's not wise to go running in the rain. It's best to let the storm clear. I miss him, and I constantly find myself pining over him, doing the one-eye tear, having mini-panic attacks upon realising I won't see him in the months to come (I told him not to contact me, as it would only complicate issues between him and his family) but I digress. This is not a mexican telenovella. This is the Kenyan Homo Fatal blog. I see you rolling your eyes. Yes you. Stop it haha :)

Time has flown so fast - only one month to the end of semester exams, and I've been giving my classes a miss. Thank God I have the notes for the classes. I would've shot myself in the head if I didn't. Recently, I've been having these strange dreams of 'revival' and 'new beginnings'. The weirdest thing is that most of the times, I dream lucidly. For those of you who don't know what this is, head on down to wikipedia. I'm glad that I'm on my way to recovery. This doesn't stop me from thinking, however, that life is pointless, in the sense that we spend most of it trying to 'fix' things, only to realise that something else broke while we were fixing the situation at hand. Funny isn't it? What, then, is life all about? I had a profound realisation on the true essence of life when I read Eckhart Tolle's The Power of Now. This is such a powerful book, which might very well hold the secret to life. It teaches one to live in the present. Think of this concept akin to observing everything around you in slow motion, and having your senses super-heightened. It also involves 'shutting up' your mind. A place of no thought. It is the greatest bliss you well ever experience on God's green earth. It is as if you're looking at everything for the first time. It will fill you with so much peace and joy, and you will realise that the past and the future only exist in your mind. The present moment is all we have. The present is all there is. The real essence, the real truth to life. Think about that. Better still, experience the Now. Have a lovely weekend :)

A New Day

2010-02-06T19:18:00.001-08:00

I know. I've been MIA for about a year and a month. Whatever. I'm just gonna be random and compulsive about this posting. A lot has happened in my life over the last one year. Happiness, tears, great sex, anguish, life. All of it boils down to this - life. I wish there was a formula. A prescribed way. But shit happens. The secret lies in living one day at a time. And having hope that everything will be alright. Over the last one year, I have established myself in a career (a sort of career, ahem) in the languages field, fallen in and out of love with a pathological liar who almost ruined my life, met an angel in the form of a human being, had the best sex of my entire twenty-something life, cried, laughed, been a part of history, traveled to a foreign country and consequently been on a plane for the first time, gained weight, grown up a whole lot, rediscovered my faith and spirituality, and a whole lot of other stuff I might not be able to name here. Life is SUCH a paradox. Really doesn't make sense most times. It's like we're stumbling in the dark, looking for our next big thing, next big fix, next highlight. God must have an awesome sense of humor (note the irony, people) but I guess it'll all make sense at that moment I breathe my last, and go into the light. Recently, I met this amazing stranger that helped me put my life back together after my pathological liar of an ex (who once used to be a hooker aka male sex worker) almost ruined it. He picked me off the ground and nursed me back to full health. All in the space of two weeks. To him I shall forever be grateful. He asked if I could be his boyfriend. A bit too soon, so I'll play it by ear. Really nice guy, tall, big feet and all *cough*, my age, strong arms, industrious, selfless, beautiful. I've never valued myself much, what with my delusions and OCD and Michelle Obama-like periods of dark depression, so it's kinda hard for me to say yes when someone meets me, gets a crush on me on account of my looks, then tells me that he wants to start a relationship with me. After going out with a compulsive liar for five months, my world view has somewhat changed. I find it hard to trust. Granted, the wounds brought about by the betrayal and devastation are still fresh, with a few bouts of PTSD here and there, but I'm willing to take a chance on this angel. He looks and sounds genuine (that's my gut talking - I tend to listen to him more often after I ignored it and ended up a hot mess) so I'll give him a chance. Plus he's going through some heavy stuff so I need to be there for him, the way he has been there for me the past two weeks. Wish me luck guys, and thanks for taking the time to read my post, the first of many after a long, long hiatus. It's good to be back. A new day, indeed.

THE POWER OF TRUE LOVE

2009-01-08T05:31:00.000-08:00

The sky was turning a deep crimson, signaling the end of the day. He had all his bags packed and was patiently waiting for the coast-bound bus to snake its way into the station. Form time to time, he kept glancing at his watch, hoping that some way, time would fly, but we all know too well Einstein’s theory of relativity doesn’t work that way. The station was a beehive of activity with people milling about, trying to find out when their buses would be leaving…mothers trying to keep their kids silent and calm, lovers gazing deep into each other’s eyes, businessmen exuding an aura of self-importance. People from all dimensions of life were present at the station.
Jay’s phone rang. The caller ID was someone he adored with his heart and soul. True, they were going through a rough patch in their tumultuous relationship, but the fact remained that he couldn’t get enough of Patrick, the love of his life. They met at a party thrown by a diplomat and, as the cliché goes, it was love at first sight. Jay had a vacant expression plastered on his face as he reminisced about that beautiful and magical night. Patrick had his back turned, and was partly hidden from view by one of those leafy, tropical plants that dotted the grounds of the diplomat’s residence. Then he turned. Jay’s heart did a flip-flop as their eyes met. The rest, as they say, is history
After that night, they went on several dates. Patrick, being the dominant type, took it upon himself to ask Jay for his number, by which time he was blushing furiously as he scribbled his number on Patrick’s open palm, which was warm and velvety to the touch it was as if there was this unmistakable force drawing them tightly together this was the first time that Jay had felt this strongly about another guy. He had gone out with at least a thousand and one jerks and had almost given up on finding true love, before, that is, this night. The dates were as exciting and sensuous as thy come. Bowling, Salsa, miniature golf; you name it, they had done it. There were, obviously, detractors and envious types but that didn’t faze them in fact, it made their relationship stronger than ever.
Then there was the discrimination, which was as obvious as a nine months pregnancy. They were even refused service and turned down with sneers in some establishments when the proprietors noted their sexuality. One of them even went as far as calling security on them and they were almost lynched by a homophobic, mostly male crowd a pool bar when some keen, hawk-eyed people picked up on their unmistakably synchronous body language. Patrick and Jay knew that this would happen, so they simply took it in their stride and tried to be as discreet as possible when the situation arose, but they had no apologies for being who they were as they were not the type to cower from the truth- that they loved each other fiercely and they had every right to exist as the next couple.
Then, one day, as Jay was doing the laundry, he came across a crumpled piece of paper on which a number was written being the curious type, and, let’s face it, it was a natural inclination if one was to come across such a find, he called the number, but took care to hide his caller I.D. A coquettish male voice answered the call from the other end. “Honey buns Male Escort Service, Crystal at your service,” the voice added. Jay dropped the phone and it shattered into a million pieces. The whole day that Saturday, he could hardly keep still as he paced around the rooms, looking for God knows what…a thong, pictures or more numbers? That night, they screamed the place down, and ended up making love in the living-room rug, after Peter apologized and swore that he would never cheat on him again. Theirs was a true love, as even though they argued, they always forgave each other for stupid mistakes they had done and never went to bed mad at the end of the day; hell, there were better things to do in bed than argue!

A Year Later...The Return

2008-12-21T13:24:00.000-08:00

Hi guys, I recently was reading up on a friend's blog when it hit me - I have my own damn blog that I have ignored for approximately one year! A lot has happened between now and then, and I feel a pull towards reviving this baby of mine. There have been both tragedies and breakthroughs that have happened that have made me stronger and wiser. I have survived. In the next couple of weeks I shall be taking you through the intricacies of my 'fascinating' life as a young, attractive (yes, I am hot and I know it lol!) man trying to find his way as a gay individual in Kenya. Buckle up, guys...I hope you're ready for this!

Afternoon Siesta

2007-12-15T04:41:00.001-08:00

I recently discovered I can access my blog via my mobile phone...this makes my work so much easier since my mobile has predictive text which makes typing a breeze. I'm at home listening to some Savage Garden (did you know the lead singer of the said group is gay?) Yes, he came out and to top it all off, he married his partner in a public ceremony. I came across in my surfing a blog titled Rants and Raves of a Kenyan Gay Man. They had a discussion on gayism and religion. I'm Muslim but can't remember the last time I even thought about going to the mosque to pray due to the hypocrisy and homophobia that exists in the Muslim community. To me, being gay is as natural as nature itself. The sin, here, is the hate and homophobia. Why are some people threatened by homosexuality? I think it's up to God to judge and not ordinary mortals. I'm slowly turning agnostic (sigh). Are there any gay Muslims out there who would like to comment on this?

Open Day - It Begins Here

2007-12-13T01:11:00.000-08:00

Hi Y'all

I have been surfing the web and have come across a couple of beautifully written gay blogs and I thought to myself that I too should too have my own blog site since it's a great way of sharing ideas with so many people. So this is my first posting, and here's to lots of fun, and moments of faith and hope all rolled into one.