Facades and Pleasantries

FliezzZZzzzzZzZZZzzzzZzz

2011-10-30T13:35:00.002+00:00

Right, so I'm having the best time here but there is something fucking everything up.

Look at this asshole

I used to be one of those people who like to think they are making a difference if they don't kill a fly but open the window instead and keep shooing it off with a magazine for about 20 minutes until it decides to fuck off because "flies have souls too" but you know what?

They are vicious, malicious and they are all out to get me so fuck flies, they can collectively go die.

Typical motherfucking fly

I hate you.

The power of words

2011-10-27T17:51:00.002+01:00

I'm off to the airport! I won't be back until next Saturday but I will try to update the blog during my holiday. Until then...

Be safe.

Women and sharpies

2011-10-26T18:31:00.000+01:00

Not everyone is a natural born artist.

My second skin, failure

2011-10-26T13:26:00.003+01:00

Our vacation starts tomorrow. I was supposed to do this song and dance about it but I'm in a bad mood because things have a tendency of going wrong exactly when you are not prepared to deal with it. You look away for one second and disaster strikes.

I can't go into a lot of details but let's just say it sucks being in that middle place of not knowing if you still have a job or not. Especially when the holiday you have been waiting for since last year is now the last thing on your mind but your tickets are non-refundable so you have to go despite the unexpected turn of events. What will happen? You will feel so guilty about everything that your holiday will be ruined because you're not a robot incapable of feelings.

Exactly

I'm not talking about me but someone really close to me who doesn't deserve this kind of bullshit. If it had been me, everything would make sense. This predicament would have been the universe setting things straight again because, what the hell kind of maniac would give me a job to begin with?

I don't know either

You see, I've been a jobless bum for so long, I'm already in that place where, when I send out a CV, I'm afraid they will call me to arrange an interview. But, they never do so they're saving me the headache of having to take off my pjs, put on real clothes and go socialize with other people.

I don't want that person to have to go through that. I mean, even I came close to breaking and I'm used to failure by now, it's part of who I am.

Example:

Seven months ago, I sent out a CV for a job at one of the two biggest supermarkets in the UK (it shall remain nameless).

I didn't see that the deadline had ended the previous day so I went through their online assessment process answering questions such as:

"If you get a call saying you are urgently needed at the store even though it's your day off, what do you do?" (Why, drop everything I'm doing and run to the store to make you more money, big co-operation!)

and

"Did you ever lie to your parents as a child?" (Does the person who came up with this shit still have a job?)

Never!

After an hour of answering every idiotic question in the book, I pressed "Done". Immediately I got an email saying, that I didn't get the job. I saw that I messed up with the deadline and thought, fair enough, it's my fault and I moved on.

Two months ago, I found another ad for a job at the same supermarket. I went through all of it again and waited happily for an answer. I didn't have to wait long. Seven seconds later, I got an email informing me that I had applied for another job with their company less than 6 months ago so I wasn't allowed to try for this one. What? But I hadn't even had a chance at getting the first job (that I didn't really like anyway) so now I can't apply for this one (that I really want)?

I know how you feel, you Italian sonofabitch

I vowed never to deal with them again, be it as an applicant or a shopper but when you're skint and hopeless there is no room for idealistic crap like that so my embargo didn't last long. Yesterday I found out they are advertising again. I took a deep breath and started counting the months, just to be sure - April to October, seven. Re-counted. Still seven. Double-checked the deadline - won't be over for another week. So I did it. Polished my answers, told them I am available days, nights, weekends, part-time, full-time, I even threw in a blow-job for the privilege of mopping their floors. Fill out, answer, send, wait. Email.

Thank you for your interest in joining the team at Asda, it’s great that you’re so enthusiastic. However, the results of your first application are still valid, as it’s less than 6 months since you last applied.
All the decisions we make about applications are valid for a full 6 months and so unfortunately, as you were unsuccessful the first time, we can't accept any new applications from you for any other roles within this time.
We really appreciate that you’ve taken the time to send us your details again, and we’re sure your determination will pay off very soon. In the meantime, we wish you the very best for the future.

FUCK YOU, ASDA!

The French, the German and Internet Explorer

2011-10-25T14:43:00.003+01:00

We're one month old! Exciting? No, not really but it seemed like a good time as any to look at some statistics so, that's what I did.

It has been an eye-opening experience.

Not only did I learn that America and the UK seem to like me, I also found out that France doesn't really get me. Why, France? What's wrong with you? Is it that you don't have a sense of humour or that you are too awesome to get upset about anything other than wine and berets?

Do you really think you are superior? Are you looking down on everyone else? Not cool France, not cool. Please rectify.

Another sad, sad realization is that, although the Netherlands seem to be in the top 10 of countries that honour me with their page views, Germany and Estonia are nowhere to be seen. That's not good. Why? Because the Internet supports that that's where people who like to call their children Sven live. If you don't visit, how are you supposed to help me find my friend? Germans, I know you don't like wasting your time on trivial things like laughter but I've seen Angela Merkel on the news and you are obviously quite familiar with cynicism and sarcasm so we should have no problem connecting.

If you find me in some blog directory, please don't let the fact that I'm usually listed in the Humour category keep you from clicking on me. As soon as I have a Sven, you can be excused.

Canada, Greece, Japan, Italy, Spain, Argentina, Australia, you've been here from day one, keep being awesome.

Now for the important part.

Disgraceful

What the hell? If this is an indication that almost 5% of the whole Internet population still uses IE, we can all kill ourselves now. Seriously. Even if that's not the case, what it does show for sure is that 5% of the people visiting my little space of the web are idiots.

That's it. There is no other reason. If you are one of the people constituting that shameful 5% you might think I'm going to keep calling you names and ask you to fuck off. Well, no. Hopefully, you'll stay and learn something important.

Internet Explorer is shit. Stop using it.

Just trust me. I know it might hold some kind of sentimental value to you since this is the first browser you used a million years ago when the Internet first became accessible to the masses but we have come a long way since then and change is not always bad.

How are you even on here? I use huge pictures and videos to prove my point 95% of the time, how come your computers haven't exploded in your faces yet?

You should be used to this by now

I sincerely hope you know everyone is making fun of you. Now that you are aware of how uncool it is to use the abomination known as Internet Explorer, next month, I expect that percentage to be, at the very least, cut to half; if not for me, for the children.

No, really.

Guys?

Seriously.

The children.

How to defend yourself against zombies pt II

2011-10-24T11:21:00.001+01:00

So, where were we? Ah, yes, you're in the supermarket.

You may have access to a huge quantity of canned goods for now but you need to think long-term since no one knows if zombies will "die" after a while. If they don't, you have to prepare yourself for the possibility of having to stay in there for a few years so make sure you have enough people to protect the fort from the rotting corpses but not so many that will finish off whatever food you have in a few months.

Make sure there are women in the group; you don't want to be one of the last survivors on the face of the earth only to find yourself surrounded by Jack, John, Jim, Steve, Brian, Matt and Rick. The same applies if you're a woman but not a nymphomaniac.

Just sayin'

Check the doors a few times a day to make sure they are holding up. Reinforce them daily. Use flashlights at night but be sure to conserve batteries. Think of everything as potential weapons. You have a lot of wood and knives in your disposal; use them to make stakes - generally, make pointy things. The reason I haven't mentioned firearms is because if you have one you know what to do but keep in mind that bullets don't last forever - you will have to make pointy things at some point (Focus: this is no time for stupid puns).

Be ready to stab your best friend in the brain if you have to. Zombies don't get emotional and neither should you.

Little Lucy, how you've grown

After a few days of observing them you know what kind of habits the zombies have picked up. Use your knowledge of the enemy to your advantage. If you feel the need to go look for more people, use a bicycle from the store. The roads are probably blocked from abandoned cars and debris and a bicycle can take you places your feet can't plus it doesn't make any noise and right now that might be the difference between life and death. On the downside, it's not very safe. Be ready to abandon ship and go on foot at any time but for now, cover up and go.

Be completely silent. If you do find people tell them to be quiet and wait for you in a specific apartment with a balcony, on the second floor of a building. Once you are ready, find a truck and use it - the keys are probably in the driver's house (if you know him) or in the truck itself. Otherwise, learn how to hotwire cars now, just to be on the safe side (Think of it as taking up a trade; in times of need, you'll never go hungry and with the economy being shyte, you might have to reconsider your ethics). Park the truck under the balcony. Have the people jump on top of it and get in the back. Do not have them come down the stairs. You don't know if the zombies have managed to get in. Be quick and make sure you've saved at least one doctor or nurse.

Don't rescue him

If after a month or so there are thousands of "healthy" zombies outside, stay in your supermarket for as long as you have to. If the zombies still look "fresh" but do not roam the streets in huge numbers, it's time to move on. Load trucks with food, water, medicine and condoms (don't start having babies until you know what the situation really is and if you can protect the pregnant women) and head for the mountains - not forests. Only visit cities when you need supplies and only go for the big stores. Never go inside buildings you suspect have no second exit and never go downstairs. Fuck basements - there are no exits and zombies can access them comfortably but they don't have the dexterity needed to easily walk up stairs and they definitely cannot climb. Keep moving upwards.

In the occasion that the zombies seem to be dying off and you followed my strategy, you are prepared to outlast them so keep calm and wait.

Wait.

Are they all dead? No?

Wait.

Wait.

Now? Everyone is dead?

Congratulations, you survived your first Zombie Apocalypse.

Now clean up the mess, burn the dead and go repopulate the earth.

Go have sex.

How to defend yourself against zombies

2011-10-23T14:08:00.009+01:00

When it's time for the Zombie Apocalypse (and it will happen, believe you me), do you know what I'm going to do?

Survive - and you'd better do the same.

Don't panic

You have no excuse to not be prepared for the big day but I know for a fact that most of you are lazy and haven't given it any thought so I decided to help you out partly because I like you and partly because, well, I'm probably going to need reinforcements at some point (longest sentence in the history of blogging). I have never met a zombie in this life so I have to go by what Hollywood has taught me about the walking dead. Let's get cracking.

What we're up against

A thing to remember is that they might be ghouls now but were normal people not so long ago so they won't be able to do extraordinary things like read your mind or run like the Flash; worst case scenario, they have the same limitations they had when they were alive, and that's it. If they end up being more like the slow, retarded zombies we see in most movies then you must be an idiot if you can't escape them; let's call it natural selection and move on.

Always assume that it's worse than what it seems. They're like cockroaches - for every one you see there's a thousand you don't. The moment you can confirm that the dead have indeed risen, you are alone. Forget about the army, the police, the air-force; if they come to the rescue that's fine but don't sit around waiting for them, every moment is precious. It's your time to be the hero so go be one.

Here I come to save the day

Gather any survivors you have visual contact with (don't go outside on a rescue mission just yet) in a/your house and advise them to get dressed in a way that their body is protected. Show them what to do, everyone needs hope right now and a leader is the only hope most of these people will have plus, you just got your hot neighbour naked, you lucky dog.

Use everything within reach as armour. Motorcycle helmets, leather jackets, planks of wood, pots and pans, trays, even cushions if desperate - you can find good use for everything. No pretending to be cool wearing just your Rage Against the Machine T-shirt, there's no room for Alpha shit like that in the post-apocalyptic era. Put on 8 layers of clothing including that thick jumper your nana knit for you Christmas of '89 and you were too embarrassed to wear. Make sure you can still run and lift your arms in case you need to fight but always keep your ankles, hands and neck completely covered. Don't forget to colour co-ordinate, we're survivors, not savages.

Keep it cool

Now that you're all covered up, equip yourself with baseball bats, fire pokers, swords and knives (if it comes to that you're probably screwed but jam it in the eye upwards and hope for the best) and find your way to the closest big Tesco or Asda. Not Argos, not B&Q and most definitely, not the mall. You need a big store that sells food as well as everything else but that also has only two or three exits; anything else and it becomes next to impossible to protect.

Always think practically: If it was a popular place for humans it will be a popular place for zombies; not many people get bitten at home. Go to the store by avoiding main streets, hospitals, parks and the dole office. Make sure you have people keeping an eye left, right and behind your group - you never know where the next threat is going to present itself from.

Have eyes on your back

If you do get attacked, keep it simple. They want brains and so do you - go for the head. If you miss, swiftly go for the legs; floor a zombie and smashing its head becomes a piece of piss but remember, if you slash a zombie in half or decapitate it Highlander style, the head won't die hence the necessity for ankle protection. Don't use fire against them; a burning ghoul can still walk around for a long time before the fire gets the brain, if it ever does. A zombie on fire is far deadlier than a regular zombie.

So now you're at Asda. You will probably have to break a window or something to get in. You will have to block that hole from the inside later so make your life easier by making it small to begin with. Send a couple of people on a quick reconnaissance mission. Zombies inside? There has to be a Tesco close by you can vandalize. Empty? Congratulations, you're inside and you just bought yourself some valuable time.

Don't go nuts just yet

Find all the exits and temporarily block them with heavy things. Those outdoor tables are usually impossible to move - use one to reinforce the window you broke earlier. Once you're relatively safe fill almost all the containers with tap water; you might be able to survive on Coca Cola alone (if you're a moron and like Pepsi, throw yourself at the zombies now) but it's not very sanitary to try and wash yourself with it and soon you're going to be out of water and electricity.

DO NOT USE THE TOILETS. After a couple of days without running water the whole place will stink up. Take the rest of the containers on the rooftop and use them as toilets - when you fill one up seal the top, set it aside and forget about it. I don't see how you can run out of fluids but if you do, you might need to come back to your piss bins.

Remember, Asda sell water filter jugs

Now you have fluids, personal hygiene and food covered so you should be good for today and Man City are playing Man United so I have a game to watch (go City!). Come back tomorrow for the rest; or don't.

It's your head on the line.

Saturday Smackdown: Katie Holmes vs Penelope Cruz

2011-10-22T10:09:00.003+01:00

If you're one of the awesome people who keep coming back to read my ramblings you might remember that I decided to do this a Saturday "thing" and even though I'm critically injured and would much rather be whimpering in a corner wrapped up in blankets like a fajita, I'll follow through because I'm cool like that.

Today's duo has been chosen strictly because of Crazy Tom who, I must shamefully admit, I find rather fascinating; fascinatingly awful. Both of these women have stood by his side at some point in time - Cruz back when he was sane, Holmes after he crossed over to the dark side. There is also Nicole Kidman but I might make her go against today's winner soon, I don't know, I'm not making any promises and don't hold me to that.

A hint of where this is going

Let me begin by saying that the amount of pictures out there featuring both of these women is staggering - and I don't mean "normal" pictures. A simple Google search with the safe mode off left me amazed, not only at the quantity, but also the quality of pornographic material. Seriously, the effort people put in creating realistic pictures of, say, Katie Holmes covered in semen, is nothing short of impressive - but what does it mean?

Are you still not getting it?

It means that men like both of them. There is no greater validation for a female celebrity than having her head superimposed on the photo of a woman having sex with a mustached octopus (the things my eyes have seen). As much as you like your hot neighbour though, don't do that with her photo. Normal people generally frown upon such displays of affection.

Back on track. Why do men like them? In Katie's case I don't fucking know but with Penelope, it's pretty obvious, isn't it? Let's break it down.

Penelope Cruz dated Tom Cruise back when he was still handsome, successful and coherent and when he started going batshit crazy, she upgraded to Javier Bardem. Who doesn't like Javier Bardem? All women want to shag him and all men want to be him or at least hang out with him. The man oozes awesome. They make a nice couple, they keep to themselves and they look genuinely happy without unecessary kissing and squeezing in public.

Normal couple

Cruz hangs out with Salma Hayek and Pedro Almodovar. Pedro Almodovar. Your friends define you and her friends are interesting, talented people.

Career-wise she's pretty average; I find her Hollywood movies to be incredibly bad but her Spanish movies are usually kick-ass. No, I'm not a pretentious asshole - being Spanish, acting in her mother tongue should come much more naturally.

And then there's Katie Holmes. She started going out with eccentric Tom Cruise and within a year she got engaged, married and had a child with Tom the Insane Scientologist; the man who jumped on Oprah's sofa to make sure everyone knew how much he adores his new lover (loser).

Every time they go in front of cameras they slobber all over each other making it extremely difficult for anyone watching not to vomit care bears. It's so fake, it's embarrassing.

Insane, desperate closeted gay man and his puppet

It's pretty obvious she was hoping being married to him would help her career but she wasn't expecting Crazy Tom becoming so engrossed in his religion that he would forbid her from making movies where she would have to have a love interest or demand that she spends hours in a sauna to cleanse herself while pregnant (what a creepy fucker).

From OK! Magazine

"The mother's body is a pure vessel for the soul to come through" a Scientology insider tells OK!. "The baby's soul must inhabit its pre-birth body with the clear intention that it wants to be born."

According to the source, Scientology warns against any sexual activity, starting with the day a woman learns she’s pregnant.Some Scientologists choose to follow an intense detox program to cleanse the body. The woman is required to run on a treadmill every day and have frequent sauna sessions to sweat profusely. She also takes "vitamin bombs" containing mega doses of niacin, calcium, magnesium and other vitamins; and she has regular colonics, says the source.

That backfired Kate, didn't it?

And do we all remember that phase Holmes went through when she was trying to turn into her then best friend, Victoria Beckham? Lost shitloads of weight, cut her hair, changed her style... everything.

Disturbing

Normal people go to the doctor when they start looking like Mrs Beckham and unless you are 14 I cannot see how you can aspire to be her. Of course I also cannot see how you can choose to be a Scientologist but yeah.

As far as her career goes, it's easy; she has no career. She became famous for being annoying Joey from Dawson's Creek and then resurfaced as Mrs Cruise. Each and every movie she's ever made is completely forgettable unless maybe Wonder Boys but that was strictly because Robert Downey Jr was hilarious as Terry Crabtree.

If you're the visual type, I can make it easy for you:

Look at them in all their glory. I know Penelope Cruz is nothing special. She is plain, has a wonky eye and she kinda looks like a duck. But in comparison, Katie Holmes makes her look like a freaking goddess; I look at them side by side and I want to run away from scary skeleton and find shelter in Penelope's inviting bosom. For that alone...

Penelope Cruz wins.

If, even after all of the above, you were still secretly hoping Katie Holmes would win, let me explain why that would have been impossible, in only three pictures.

Reason No1 - Floppy nothingness

Reason No2 - Scary old man feet

And most importantly

Reason No3 - Haba Haba

Did you really think, even for a second, Katie Holmes had a fighting chance?

Clive the Douche needs a haircut

2011-10-22T01:58:00.002+01:00

Let the art flow through you.

A hand, a raptor and Michael Caine

2011-10-21T11:02:00.000+01:00

A few years ago I had to have surgery on my right hand (enter masturbation joke). The pain was excruciating so naturally, I never want to go through that again but my doctor is a pessimist and said that I'd probably have to. It's only normal that ever since then, I've had the very genuine fear that my right hand would snap off when I least expect it. Maybe one day I'll be eating peanuts, I will lower my hand in the bowl and it'll never come back up; I won't even know until I put my stubby arm in my mouth.

Gory demonstration

Yeah.

A little background here. As a child I watched a lot of movies that freaked me out. But only one made me wake up and violently jump off the bed screaming because my own hand had touched my own back.

For those of you who don't know, Michael Caine loses his hand in an accident and thinks that his missing limb has gone mad and is now repurposing itself by killing people left and right.

I hadn't even watched the goddamn movie - I just watched the trailer but apparently that was enough to scar me for life. So you understand that, even now, my hand snapping off and going on a murderous spree is a real possibility for me.

I've been keeping an eye on that bastard. I'm treating it royally. Even though I'm right-handed - if the left can do it with any shred of dignity, it will. Of course this means I've grown heavily dependent on my left hand; honestly, I'm pretty much abusing it. While the left is doing almost everything, the right is just hanging out, feeling superior in its half thumb glove thingy, always looking like it's on its way to cycle or play bowling. And yet the left one never complains. I thought I had a good thing going.

Smug prick

Ever since we moved to this apartment we've been hearing this sound coming from outside our windows at random times. It's a shriek much like a velociraptor would make. We've repeatedly tried to figure out the origin but to no avail, there is nothing there that could possibly make that noise. So naturally we agreed that it has to be a real velociraptor in hiding - probably trying to avoid crazy scientists who want to perform freaky experiments on him. Every time we hear the shriek we laugh it off saying Velie is probably hungry. Having not seen him, my imagination run wild. In my mind he kind of looked like this:

Yes, that is a pterodactyl attached to Velie's back. Dinoception

As it turns out, I was probably more accurate than I would have cared for.

Yesterday I was making pasta. I was holding the pot with my left hand, moving it from the cooker to the sink. Right then, Velie made a noise - a noise so horrific that only a creature like the one depicted above could possibly make. I jumped out of my skin. My left arm twitched inwards in an effort to not drop the pot and just like that, it gave up. I barely managed to salvage dinner; my left hand was dead.

Today it just refuses to do any work. It took me 4 hours to write this post - the pain is too much. Imagine giving birth to a chair while getting kicked in the balls. Too much. And I can't just go to the doctor, I hate doctors, they're bad luck. Every time I go to one they find a million things wrong with me and I really don't want to die.

I cannot believe both of my hands are malfunctioning at the same time. It can't be a coincidence.

I'm pretty sure I'm not going to make it.

Why some adverts make me want to punch kittens

2011-10-20T11:23:00.003+01:00

I'm going to keep it short and sweet today. I'm sorry in advance for subjecting you to this:

Basically this advert has been polluting my senses lately. It really baffles me how advertisers can come up with incoherent nonsense like that polished turd you just watched and insist on shoving them down our throats every 15 minutes. Ever since that commercial Nicole Kidman did for Chanel, it all went downhill.

At first it was Charlize Theron galloping down a never-ending hallway while taking off her clothes. The unexpected success shocked everyone over at Dior who thought it would be a brilliant idea to try and repeat the triumph. So they had her randomly gallop by dead celebrities, including a particularly spooky Marilyn Monroe whose face is melting off for some reason, all right before she tries to kill the runway with her pointy hooves.

She WILL come for you tonight

Congratulations on the awards and everything but we're talking about Charlize Theron getting undressed - you did not exactly invent the wheel here. She owes her whole career to that Martini commercial where she first exposed her succulent backside, she knows it and and we know it. Stop pretending you are creating art.

And then there's our dear nan, Naomi Watts, looking amazed and a little bit confused in the Thierry Mugler ad.

Because every woman can identify with putting on a fozillion dollar gown, getting on the rooftop, smelling her feather boa and then walking around a room full of tin foil.

Fuck you.

Did you see him creepily linger there, in the end? With the power of your boobs combined, he still has a better chance at selling me anything.

Introducing Clive the Douche

2011-10-19T13:09:00.003+01:00

I'm such an artist.

The idiot-proof guide to movie-guessing

2011-10-19T10:50:00.002+01:00

Are you one of those people who everyone hates watching a movie with because you never seem to know what's going on and always feel the need to ask stupid questions? Are you ashamed of your cinematic retardation? Do you wish you could be that individual who always seems to know what will happen next in the film?

Spare yourself the heart-attack

I can help.

Every movie relies on certain clichés to help the story progress and all you have to do is learn how to decipher them. Mastering this technique will render you invincible against plot twists so make sure you know what you're getting yourself into before we start because once you know, watching a movie will never be the same.

If you are watching an action movie and you're really worried that the hero might not make it, all you have to do is read the signs. If the villain has him at gunpoint and decides to share every tiny detail of his devious plan (including where he's hidden the bomb/keeping the girl) right before he blows the hero's brains out, don't worry, he'll not only survive but also save the day and get the girl. If, on the other hand, the hero is a soldier who always carries a photo of his mom/fiancée/sister/dog with him for good luck, bet on the enemy; he'll probably step on a landmine soon. Same if he has plans for his future and can't wait for this unreasonable war to be over to go back to his family and live his life.

If you liked this movie, be ashamed - be very ashamed

In horror movies the car won't start until the very last minute and opposite to contrary belief, that's a good thing. It's an indicator that the driver will most probably survive. Unfortunately, the opposite applies if the car starts immediately. This usually means that the killer has actually tampered with the brakes or planted a bomb in the vehicle. Of course it could be that he is, in fact, sitting in the back seat, in which case the driver will take a glimpse of his face/mask in the rear view mirror right before he gets gutted like a fish.

If the plot involves a group of friends and a cabin in the woods, things are too easy. Everyone but the girl will die. At the very best you can expect the girl and the object of her affection to make it out alive but, I wouldn't bet on it. If you're hoping for a guy survivor, don't hold your breath; the world is not yet ready for such dramatic plot twists.

Also, the people who, after having witnessed 14 of their friends getting slayed by the mad serial killer, insist on walking around aimlessly, screaming out "JOSH! JOOOOSH! I'M SCARED!! IS ANYBODY THERE????", will get murdered and rightfully so; they are obviously morons who don't deserve to procreate.

Screaming isn't very effective when trying to hide from Jason

If someone reads a part of a book out loud, chances are they just summoned a demon/ghost. Someone will die but it's never the people who fucked up in the first place. Same as when a group of teenagers treat a ouija board as a joke. If it was a board game, you would be able to buy it at Toys Я Us; now enjoy your poltergeist.

As a general rule, horses are bulletproof but can and will go mental when dragging a carriage, usually after a creepy close-up of a horse's eye. Unless you are watching some urban-legend-type horror movie, no one will kill the dog or the baby. If a dog dies it will be of old age and not after it performs a heroic action - if the baby dies it will be because everyone was too drugged up to remember to feed it.

Skip to 00:30 to shit your pants

The importance of glasses in the movies: The action hero doesn't need glasses - his vision is 20/20 and his abs are made of steel; he's flawless. The intelligent one does - he has spent years buried in his books, we need to be able to tell. He has never so much as slapped anyone before so you can safely assume that by the end of the movie, he will have either transformed into a lean, ass-kicking machine or he will have had to kill someone; but only because he absolutely had to. That's ok, it's all part of the growing process.

If the glass-wearing object is a fat, bearded man with dirty hair whose favourite sport is to crack jokes (let's call him Seth Rogen), then we are faced with a whole different situation. He's not book-smart but computer-smart which opens the door to only one possibility: While the main character is off punching evil babies in the face somewhere, Seth will save the day by hacking into secret Pentagon files in 20" flat all the while having his feet up on the desk and 3 huge monitors in front of him (one for the job at hand, one for an online multiplayer game and one for porn).

OK, he's not wearing glasses but you get my point

Last but not least, if the girl is named after anything edible, don't trust her. She is easy and greedy; probably works for the villain who promised her a new car if she would manage to get the protagonist to reveal the code. Chances are she is stupid too; she will fall in love with the hero and betray the villain at the very last minute. Cookie/Peach/Candy/Brandy/Cherry will end up getting shot between her very prominent boobs.

And there you have it, the idiot-proof guide to movie-guessing. Now, you too can be that prick who spoils the fun for everyone, you too can be the person claiming they knew that Bruce Willis was dead all along - and no one will bat an eyelid.

I see things that aren't theeere like Bruce Willis with haiiir

Use your new awesome powers responsibly and if you're a writer, please make it harder for us because next time someone's phone runs out of battery while they get a flat tire in the middle of the desert, I will murder you.

No really, I will.

Waste money in style

2011-10-18T11:56:00.002+01:00

Do you sometimes spend money on things that, not long later, you realise you don't really need? If yes, feel free to treat this post as a shopping list for Christmas - thank me later. If not, you get to feel superior by laughing at the people who actually waste money on completely useless products. No matter what, there is something for you here.

Who needs money anyway?

I was already having a few products in mind for this post but after a couple of hours researching the web I started having second thoughts. If millions and millions of people buy these things I'm about to bash, then maybe I'm the idiot who doesn't get the appeal. And it's true. I am an idiot and I don't get the appeal but those are two completely unrelated things so, here goes.

Moneywaster No1: The Better Marriage Blanket

One of the two blankets featured in this post, the BMB supposedly absorbs farts and breaks them down to stinky molecules so tiny that they are stinky no more! Is this enough to save your marriage? Sure it is! Next time your spouse mentions divorce, just give them this blanket as a gift and everything will be forgotten.

It took me ages to find an appropriate sample of 1,000,000 people so respect the charts

Coincidence? I think not. It works for farts, feet, sweaty balls smell... everything. Don't be another statistic, save your marriage now for only $29.95!

Celebrities known to be using this product: Scarlett Johansson, Kristen Stewart (works on hobo smell too), Jack Black

Moneywaster No2: The Potty Putter

Fuck me sideways, I don't get this. When I'm sitting on the toilet with my pants around my ankles, pushing like octomom in labour, the last thing I want to be doing is focusing on getting the ball in the hole. Plus, it can't be very sanitary.

Those damn paparazzi will stop at nothing

It looks pretty ridiculous to me but then again, I read the Twilight books in the toilet. I find laughter helps when I'm constipated.

Celebrities known to be using this product: Bruce Forsyth, William Roache

Moneywaster No3: Hawaii Chair

I won't even try to describe it; just watch.

What the hell just happened?

Why have I never been in an office where someone is actually sitting on one of these?

What the hell just happened?

Moneywaster No4: The Snuggie

No one seems to like it but they have sold more than a gazillion blankets so that can only mean one thing: Some of you are lying bastards who hide their Snuggies in the closet next to their porn collection (yes, people still do this - or so I hear). I've said it before, you might think it's stupid but it's surprisingly effective. It keeps you warm the same way putting your coat on backwards would but you don't usually pretend to be a Jedi when wearing your coat, do you?

If you don't feel threatened, there's something wrong with you

Other than that, it's pretty much useless.

Celebrities known to be using this product: Me. Fuck the system.

Moneywaster No5: Fundies

Underwear... for two.

Yeah.

Celebrities known to be using this product: Brangelina, TomKat, Alex McCord and Simon van Kempen

I have to go have a life for a while (blatant lie) so expect a part II at some point. If you buy something stupid by then and you want your amazing purchase featured (anonymously or not), drop me a line.

Until tomorrow...

May the Force be with you

Celebrity Photoshop

2011-10-17T20:58:00.002+01:00

YOU ARE NOT FOOLING ANYONE!

How to have fun on a zero budget

2011-10-16T18:24:00.033+01:00

Are you dirt poor?

Do you know how much everything costs down to the last penny because you're used to only scraping just enough to buy what you need?

Do you frequently find yourself dying from hunger in the middle of a busy street while passers-by spit on you in disgust?

Fear not for I have all the answers!

You can still have fun and live a relatively normal life even if your home is mostly made of cardboard and your clothes wouldn't fit if it wasn't for the holes. I know you find it hard to believe but there are things you can do for free that will educate you, make you laugh and generally, give you that extra oomph you need to prevent you from killing yourself. So gather all your pennyless friends and let's have some fun!

Feel poor no more

The first step you need to take to ensure you will enjoy yourself is to give up. Give up on all your hopes and dreams for a better tomorrow, give up on trying to get a better job (or a job), give up on trying to put aside some extra cash for the bills; just give up.

The economy is shyte, if you do have a job you will probably be fired soon, if you don't, there is absolutely no way you'll be able to get another one for years because you're too old/young/qualified and you won't be entitled to any significant help (even though you've been paying your taxes religiously for decades) because you're not a druggie or have a disability. Life is a bitch and shit happens; accept it and move on.

Now that you are completely hopeless we can begin. You know how they say the best things in life are free? They are absolutely spot on; just think about it! You don't need money to steal! As long as you have a hoodie, you're good to go!

Next time you go to Asda and you realise you don't have enough money to buy bread AND milk, think about this: Jean Valjean did it and he became famous (Les Misérables but you already knew that). Plus, when you inevitably get caught (let's face it, you're no Bonnie or Clyde) you get to spend a few nights in jail where shelter and food are provided for free.

Celebrity thief Jean Valjean

Stealing is not for everyone. Some of you are simply too pretty for jail, I respect that. Fortunately, there are alternatives. Pretend Movie Night! Oh, the fun the little ones have with this one! It works better if you are in a homeless shelter (more people = more cinematic accuracy) but you can do it at home if you set it up right.

Gather your friends and agree on a movie. It could be Scarface, it could be Police Academy 6 - the possibilities are endless! Half of the people present will re-enact it while the other half enjoy and participate in the plot. Next week, the viewers become the actors and vice versa. This works magnificently if the actors pick a movie the viewers haven't seen before and everyone can enjoy bonus fun points for re-enacment of National Geographic documentaries; cinema, theatre and education, all in one big bundle of enjoyment!

Fun in the poorhouse

If you're not too keen on acting and you like to entertain your more adventurous side while making some spondulies in the process, you can try Debt Poker. This thrilling sport can be played once a month and is capable of crowning you King of the Poorhouse or leave you and your family starving, so play at your own risk.

The principle is simple. All the parties present must put the last letters they received from the debt collecting agency on the table, unopened. Then everyone starts betting the way they would if they were playing poker only instead of money, they play for canned goods! In the end there can be only One and the person with the highest amount of money owed or the one with the best bluffing abilities gets to feed the family some nutritious scurvy for a couple of days.

You too can be as cool as Captain Jack

Another great game is Strip Wrestling. For this boisterous 2 or 4 player activity you have to designate a wrestling area (usually a square) and have each player or team choose a corner. This is where the stripping begins!

The objective of the game is to remove the opponent's clothes and throw them outside of the wrestling area boundaries. Any piece of clothing you manage to throw close to your corner now belongs to you! Strip Wrestling doesn't end until one of the two people or both players of the same team are completely naked. If you're playing this game on the street and you're lucky, you might attract spectators willing to bet a few pennies on you and from then on, the sky is the limit.

Take it to the limit

As you can see, you don't have to have money to have a good time, you don't need to be rich to enjoy the finer things in life. All you need to do is accept your situation and work with what you have. You might die of pneumonia this winter since there is no way you can cover your heating bills but no one is stopping you from having a blast until you do!

The painful ordeal of going to the supermarket

2011-10-16T11:51:00.006+01:00

By now, those of you bothered enough to visit this shithole of a blog regularly, know that I hate people. I mean, I'm a proper misanthropist - partly because I suffer from a severe case of agoraphobia, cacophobia and other Greek words and partly because, well, people are assholes. So I've made a pact with The God of Little Things; I mostly stay inside the house, depriving the world of my prickness and in return, the world leaves me alone. Win-win. And it was almost perfect.

Almost.

You see, I also hate shopping. When I have to go to the "big Tesco's" for the "big shopping" at the beginning of the month, I get upset. I mean "I want to put babies on spikes" upset (let's see who gets this reference). The trolleys with the wobbly wheels, the kids running around like savage monkeys, the smells - predominantly the wet feet smell - the pregnant women who are, seemingly, everywhere... Everything. I find everything to be particularly irritating (the "big shopping" is my time of the month) and that results in me getting a horrible headache during the first 5 minutes of my supermarket trip.

The thought alone makes me cry vomit tears

So I do this thing where I put my head down, fix my left, list-yelding hand in front of my body so that I always maintain eye-contact with the list and I go. My only conscious function is to look at the list and pretend I chant the groceries so I don't forget anything when in reality, I entertain myself by calling people names like "twatwaffle" and "Katie Price" under my breath - everything else I do mechanically. Ketchup? Ketchup. Tomatoes? Tomatoes. I don't look, I just throw things in my trolley.

Look at me go

This technique significantly reduces the time I spend in the store but has two major drawbacks. I am pretty sure I end up spending more money than I could have because I don't price check. I mean I could be paying 10 quid for a jar of jam; I wouldn't know. The second drawback is that if they move, say the eggs, to a different aisle, I'm doomed - no eggs for me.

Overall, I have about a 70% success rate. Not too shabby if it's cheese and milk you're missing. If it's toilet paper and noodles, it's disasterous.

So I decided to start doing my shopping online. A little late, I know, but I got there. I signed up, I located the search bar and triumphantly typed in"toilet paper". It came up with 3 pages of possibilities. I never knew there were so many toilet paper options out there! Suddenly, I was very uncertain of my decision to join the 21st century. I don't like having choices; I'm like a child in that way (and that way only). I spent 5 hours trying to decide between products I didn't even know existed, I had a headache and I was cranky. If you threw in a pregnant woman* with wet feet on the couch, I might as well have been back at the store.

But I stuck with it. I kept my eye on the prize - if this worked I could go in early shopping menopause: no more dreadful shopping trips.

First couple of times, 100% success. Get in. I had all my stuff and no babies were harmed during the shopping process. I was pleased but still not sure. I was spending more time shopping online than what I would have in the store. Was it worth it?

Third time, I figured I should start price checking.

Officially, there is no reason for me to leave the house ever again.

*Throwing pregnant women on couches is generally frowned upon.

Any Svens out there?

2011-10-15T19:36:00.001+01:00

You know what? I've never met anyone whose name was Sven. I find Sven to be an extremely good name.

Sven is an honest, dependable man.

Sven buys you a beer when you're skint and he never moans when you bitch about the opposite sex.

Sven borrows a fiver and gives you a tenner back.

After a quick Google search I've come to the conclusion that I'm probably wrong but still, I'd like to put my theory to the test.

Is there anyone out there who goes by the name of Sven? Let's be friends. Do you know any Svens? Tell them to drop me a line.

Officially, the DO NOT CONTACT rule does not apply to you, Sven.

Cameron Diaz: Still sexy or just an ugly, old hag?

2011-10-15T13:07:00.005+01:00

I watched Bad Teacher. What a horrible, unfunny piece of junk that was. Why do I subject myself to movies like that when I know they're going to be awful? It's not even that Cameron Diaz is a good actress and she certainly isn't so easy on the eyes anymore.

From the neck down, a solid 8 - it could have been a generous 9 but when I look at a woman in Daisy Duke shorts for a while, she starts resembling a spider. Weird, I know, but if there's nothing there to remind me of it, the torso kinda disappears and all I see is legs. Allow me to demonstrate:

I'm not a big fan of spiders so, yeah, 8. 8 is a good, respectable number. She should be proud of herself.

The face on the other hand... What the hell is going on there? Is she 70? Did someone turn her face inside-out? She was never a sex symbol in my books but she was also never so hideously looking for her ugliness to warrant a post by yours truly.

He does

I decided to see what people on Facebook are saying about her and that's when I completely lost my faith in humanity.

Seriously?

After that fiasco I am now positive that there is something fundamentally wrong with some of you so naturally, I get the overwhelming urge to protect you from yourselves, to educate you. In fact... that's exactly what I'm going to do!

Every Saturday from now on (and until I get bored), I'm going to be comparing two women, men or whatever else you might have your eye on, you perverts.

I am going to prove why one is beautiful and the other looks like a horrible car accident, you will take what you learn here on board and come Saturday night, you will be that much more confident in your "choices" when you eagerly bounce from bar to bar trying to find someone ~~drunk~~ compatible enough to exchange bodily fluids with.

Sadly, since I only just decided to do this, I don't have anything along those lines planned for today but I feel like I've tortured your eyes enough for one post, so here:

Feast your eyes on Mila Kunis. Look at her. Really look at her. The face, the body, the hair... everything.

Look.

And now tell me if you remember anything about this post other than Mila Kunis and maybe a creepy looking spider.

Celebrity nude photos: Are they worth it?

2011-10-14T14:58:00.003+01:00

Why do I bother reading the news? Doom and gloom, riots and wars, deaths and Jodie Marsh everywhere. I usually open a thousand tabs in the morning, all the major news sites, and I skim through them, making sure I half-arsedly read everything - and by everything, I mean the titles in big, bold letters.

Why, oh God, why?

Every site has a different outlook on things; there is something out there for all of us. While one might promote the story of how the MPs didn't give a shit about an e-petition signed by more than 240,000 people that suggested they strip the summer rioters of their benefits, another site's main focus might be the dress that Pippa Middleton chose to wear at a charity dinner last night (BBC and The Telegraph, if anyone was wondering).

But the one story, the one story that most of the news carriers apparently agreed on being worth mentioning on the front page of the Internet, is how Christopher Chaney apologised for "hacking" into Mila Kunis', Christina Aguilera's and Scarlett Johansson's (amongst others) emails and leaking their nude photos online.

You are hideous

First of all, my good man Christopher (May I call you Christopher?), there is absolutely no reason to apologise to us; we like you. If it weren't for sleazy wankers with no morals like you, the world would be a better place and I would have nothing to write about. Can you imagine a world where people mind their own business? Where everyone respects everyone else's right to privacy? Boring!

The FBI was leading the investigation from the start; they called it, and I shit you not, "Operation Hackerazzi" (whoever came up with that name should, at the very least, be demoted). It went something like this: Chaney leaked the photos, a nanosecond later they spread like the flu in a nursing home and 2 hours later, they were down. Which brings me to my second point.

What the FBI's best minds came up with

Good job FBI! What a response! Isn't there something else you could be doing like, maybe - and I'm just throwing ideas out there - hunting down serial killers or something? If you are that bored and have nothing to do, can you help me resolve a dispute I have with my idiot neighbour? Maybe if I have the FBI on my side she will stop writing letters, complaining about the noise I don't make.

Can you imagine if Clarice Starling was too busy going after "Hackerazzi" instead of Buffalo Bill? Can you?

The hose

Exactly.

Thirdly, he is facing 121 years in jail. I'll give you a minute to process that.

That's right. 121 years. If he gets the full sentence, I will never stop comparing every case I read about to this one. Someone was found guilty of jaywalking? 34 years in jail. Owning weed? 68 years in jail. Bar fight? 91 years. Shoplifting? Lethal injection. Don't get me wrong, boobs are totally worth it (maybe not Scarlett Johansson's) but let's not get carried away.

He didn't blackmail anyone, he didn't kill anyone - he wanted to see a couple of celebrity tatas. Instead of waiting for the movie in which they will, inevitably, get naked in the name of art, he took the less travelled, illegal way.

We're not naked, we're artists

I like to see ~~celebrity~~ boobies too, but usually, I wait until someone like Chaney makes the aforementioned wrong choice. But I'm a good half of the way there so I suppose I should be grateful they're not suggesting he gets the chair.

Movies that raped my childhood and never called back

2011-10-13T15:04:00.010+01:00

As I've said before, I'm an 80s child. Anyone can understand, that decade was extremely important for my development and looking back, I'm surprised I turned out to be such a balanced, outgoing, optimist. You see, the fashion might have been kitsch, the music might have been mostly awful but the movies... the movies were brilliant. Except the ones addressed to children. They were horrifying.

What the fuck, man?

I don't know what made the producers back then think that all children were the offspring of Pedro Lopez and Ebenezer Scrooge but fucking hell, they didn't like us. I cried the same as every other kid when Mufasa died in Lion King (fuck you Disney) but my poor psyche had already been molested on multiple occasions by then - I was kind of used to it.

Exhibit A - Gremlins

A Christmas movie for the whole family to enjoy. We've all seen it, we've all loved it, we've all been emotionally scarred by it. The concept of conniving monsters destroying anything they can get their long scrawny fingers on is quite disturbing. Breaking, looting, playing with guns, setting things on fire and even killing is what every child needs to see, especially on Christmas day.

The cute, fluffy Gizmo was the reason I loved this movie but Stripe was the one that kept visiting me in my dreams...

My nemesis. We meet again.

Exhibit B - Return to Oz

Have you seen this movie? No? Allow me to punch your soul in the nuts:

And if you feel uneasy when you see people in roller blades and you can't quite put your finger on the reason why, let me refresh your memory.

Die innocence, die.

Exhibit C - All Dogs Go to Heaven

...eventually and after my little heart had broken into seventeen different pieces never to be whole again. The Scarface of kiddie films is about a hustler-dog, Charlie, who dies and goes to Hell. Twice. We're talking hot lava dragons, skeleton boat, demonic torturing hell.

The eyes. Fuck you eyes

The only thing that this movie has to offer is the lifelong lesson that revenge is more important than anything, even saving your soul from eternal damnation. You see, in order for Charlie to get his revenge, he not only cons a little orphan girl into thinking that he's trying to find her the perfect parents but he also fucks up her chances when a couple actually want to adopt her.

Woof.

Exhibit D - Watership Down

In this wonderful children's tale we have bloodshed, graphic murders and a character called The Black Rabbit of Death. The book was written by Richard Adams, a WWII veteran who basically describes his war experiences using animals instead of people.

Enter Platoon music

Just because you animate something doesn't immediately make it appropriate for children, fucktards.

Exhibit E - Plague Dogs

The Holy Grail of creepy kids' movies. I mean... Plague Dogs? Really? Because anyone who hears that title will immediately think you're talking about a children's animated movie - obviously! Why make this? Why?

Seriously, if no one has subjected you to this horrific nightmare of a movie, consider yourself extremely lucky and move along. Don't ever watch it and don't ever allow your kids to watch it. Unless you hate kids in which case, you are probably the producer of "Plague Dogs" in which case... screw you, you sadistic bastard.

Animal cruelty, black plague experiments, schizophrenia, torture, gruesome deaths and no redeeming moment in sight. What? You're curious? Here, have a look at this:

No, that's not the most traumatizing scene of the film.

Bottom line: There is no bottom line. I know we've all watched them and we turned out (mostly) fine but that still doesn't answer the question why they thought the target group for these movies were children aged 4-12 (I'm pulling numbers out of my ass here but that's how old I was when I saw them). Why?

I had more to share with you but I'm too depressed now.

Fuckin'el.

OddPawn: Here we go again

2011-10-12T20:37:00.000+01:00

I gave OddPawn a go a few months back, then I got distracted and then I completely forgot about it. I'm restarting again tonight. I remember how frustrating some of the levels were so if there are other weirdos out there (doubtful) and feel like it, let's help each other out. No spoilers. No one wants the answers - sometimes all it takes is a nudge to the right direction.

I have to warn you though... It's highly addictive.

Proceed at your own risk.

Cinema is lying: Where is my flying car?

2011-10-12T14:02:00.008+01:00

I've come to a conclusion. One of the reasons why I'm constantly pissed off is because I feel cheated. I look around and I see huge buses with moving ads on them, extremely fast, shiny cars, and inviting, curvy motorcycles but last time I checked, this was 2011 and that thing I'm carrying is a backpack, not a jetpack. Where are all the cool things the movies promised me?

I only got a touch-screen phone a few months ago, you ass

Blade Runner told me I would have a flying car by now and instead I have a bicycle. Not even a TRON motorcycle, a bicycle. Her name is Lily and I love her, but she lacks any kind of futuristic abilities and I can't help but feel a bit disappointed every time we go out together. I could settle for a Back to the Future hover-board but a quick look around and the closest thing I can find is my ironing board – and we definitely don't know each other well enough for me to try to jump on it.

I was also supposed to have a clone in case something were to happen to my, oh I don't know, let’s say liver. My city was supposed to be enclosed in a majestic dome that would prevent illnesses from spreading. The machines were supposed to be angry enough to at least be plotting their rebellion by now and most importantly, I was supposed to have an awesome robot-butler named Alfred that would call everyone sir and madam and would look exactly like Michael Gough. He would answer the phone saying cool shit like: "You have reached the Wayne Residence, how may I help you?" in a posh accent and if I ever felt depressed, he would cheer me up with his witty remarks. Where is my Alfred, cinema?

He would have looked so real

Instead, I have to not drink or smoke or breathe because if something breaks, chances are they won't find a replacement part on time. I have a cold 8 months a year and at the moment, the only machine angry at me is my toaster. If it took humans approximately 7 million years to evolve from apes - can you even begin to calculate how long it will take for my toaster to evolve into T-1000?

Start doing the math

When I was a kid, the thought of robots rebelling against humans by the time I was middle-aged. was sending shivers down my spine. I would fall asleep thinking how I would save my future family from “the Terminator baddy” – I would come up with elaborate plans including odour guns and human eyeballs (unfortunately, I'm not making this up) but now that I'm almost 30, my reality is far less exciting. The other day I was gawking at this:

Past me would bitch-slap the now me into oblivion for that.

And where are the huge spaceships with the blinking lights hovering over cities? I still haven't seen a short green dude with big black eyes appearing out of nowhere holding one of these:

Overpopulation and the Earth's inability to sustain us would force us to make a life for ourselves on other planets - we were supposed to have colonies on Mars and popping algae pills for breakfast, lunch and dinner by now. Instead, I'm living in an ever-growing chav ghetto which would be OK, if I knew that next time someone would try to steal Lily the bike, the patrolling officer upholding the law would be RoboCop. But no, that was another lie, wasn't it?

Bottom line: I now know that the movies have been lying to me since the beginning of my time but that doesn't make the fact that I will never get to befriend Johnny Five any less upsetting. The one good thing is that I will probably never have to come face to face with this

say, on my way back from Tesco's. I suppose that’s +1 for our boring reality.

Other than that, fuck you movie people for making me go on living without my robot-Alfred. Don’t expect me to save your ass if one night, some crazed-looking bloke asks you if you've ever danced with the devil in the pale moonlight - I'll be too busy answering my own phone.

Cold callers: What you can do to annoy them

2011-10-11T14:13:00.003+01:00

We use the Internet, we use our cellphones, do we really need our house phone anymore? More and more people have unplugged their devices or cancelled their landline altogether but not me. Nope, I had to be different so when we moved house a few months ago, I thought to myself: Let's go retro, let's install a house phone.

If I could go back in time and kick me in the ear, I would.

To my past self

It lasted two days - we plugged it in Sunday and Tuesday morning we got our first call. I got genuinely excited. You know how sometimes you hear a familiar sound from your past and this vague nostalgic feeling overcomes you because your brain has associated that sound with a happy memory? Something like that. I picked up the phone and even if my brain was still half asleep I answered the call with the jolliest voice I could muster. It was an automated message trying to inform me about frozen peas.

That day we got 6 calls, all from different companies and since that day we've been getting 5-8 calls a day, Monday to Saturday, sometimes Sunday. I'll be generous and count 5 a day and not include Sunday, that still comes to about 1000 calls in 8 months. 1000 cold calls and 4 calls from family. That was worth it, eh? And the most annoying thing is that it's mostly automated messages, or dead lines, or fax noises so I can't really mess with them. Because I like messing with them. I feel sorry for the people who have to do that for a living but you're calling my house without my permission so fuck you. Plus, that phone cost a fortune and since the reason behind the purchase in now nullified, I'm going to get my money's worth in entertainment. Today, I'm sharing what I've learned with you, so start taking notes.

Your end is near

First of all, the best thing to do if you want them to stop calling altogether, is to learn a few words in a foreign language - the more obscure the better. Then answer the phone saying those words and keep repeating them - in less than 30 seconds they will have ended the call and they won't call back. They don't like wasting their time when they know they can't make a sale so if they think you can't speak any language other than Latin, they won't bother you again.

Do it for the cause

Now for the fun part. The best thing you can do to annoy them is to go along with what they are saying. This might take a bit of time so only apply this method when you have nothing else to do. Be perfectly pleasant and ask questions about the product. Get them talking. When you feel ready, agree to buy, and make it expensive. Let them think they're making a huge sale. At this point the salesperson will usually put you through to their supervisor to finalize the sale. Give them fake details and right before you give them your fake credit card number or something, go mental. Tell them you don't like the tone of their voice and you don't appreciate them talking to you in this hostile way. When they try to explain, tell them that you are calling your lawyer on your cellphone right now and that you will sue. If they don't end the call then, pretend you're talking to your lawyer and ask for their name, address etc. I've never had anyone stay on the phone for that part.

Would you?

Another favourite is "payback". You pick up the phone with a specific product in mind. Real or not, it doesn't make a difference as long as it sounds believable. They identify themselves and their company. You do the same. They start talking about their product. You do the same. They ask you questions. You answer and then, you do the same. If they want you to buy a subscription to "Fishing Weekly", they'll have to buy your product first, and it just so happens it costs the a little more than whatever they're trying to sell you. Keep a straight face and when they realize you mean it, you'll never hear from them again.

Alternatively, when they say they're calling from X company tell them you've been trying to call them for days and you haven't found the appropriate person to deal with your complaint. Kick up a stink about the quality of their product, tell them you bought their frozen peas and your child got food poisoning, you used their cell-phone and it exploded while charging, you tried their diet pills and your ears started bleeding - make it good. Take it as far as it will go and near the end, start taking everyone's details. Again, no one will stay on the line for this part.

I bought your electric blanket and I am now homeless

There are loads of cold-call responses in my little book of wrath but I have to make something clear. I might be an asshole for doing this but I'm not completely heartless. I do think it's stupid trying to get anyone to buy anything over the phone but some people are obviously still falling for it and for the telemarketers, it's a job, I know that. So I almost never do anything childish the first time someone calls me. I will talk to them about Privacy and Electronic Communications Regulations, ask to be removed from their list and politely end the call. The second time though, you can't really blame me, can you?

Movies too bad NOT to be classed as masterpieces - Part IV

2011-10-10T20:59:00.006+01:00

16. Batman and Robin - 1997

Being a huge Batman fan, in my books, Batman and Robin, is not a movie - it's an insult. That's right, I think this is Joel Schumacher's way of giving me the middle finger, the man obviously hates me.

Cheap-ass Batgirl

Batman has different suits in many, many different colours. He has ice skates on his boots. The whole movie reeks of exceptionally bad one-liners. Robin is fascinatingly homosexual. And our favourite superhero keeps strutting his stuff right in our faces.

Doesn't leave much to the imagination

Uma Thurman, Alicia Silverstone and Arnie were the only people who (seemingly) did not set out to destroy this movie - they were just being their usual terrible self.

17. Highlander II - The Quickening - 1991

The first Highlander was a brilliant movie with a definitive ending. Definitive as in it can't change. Connor MacLeod killed the Kurgan and was left being the "One", there were no more immortals left - nothing. And then they made a sequel. They resurrected dead characters, found some bogus reason explaining why Connor was ageing and they threw in aliens. Aliens.

Not even Sean Connery coming back from the dead could save this disaster.

18. The Matrix Revolutions - 2003

The biggest disappointment of all. After watching The Matrix Reloaded, fans everywhere thought: "The third one can't be worse. The only way is up, surely", and fans everywhere were wrong. What a piece of shit movie this was! I mean, no one was expecting brilliance but this is just a parody of what the movie was supposed to be.

And yet, he survives

Watching Revolutions actually made The Matrix less good in my mind. The Matrix was simple in its complexity and it was beautiful - that's what made it a success. Reloaded opened holes and left questions unanswered, the plot became heavy and hard to follow and the film took a more... theoretical turn. Then came Revolutions where everything was supposed to come together and what did we get instead? Love stories and incomprehensible blabbering.

Puke

Fuck this shit.

*As you can probably tell, his movie hurt me physically so if I can help it, I will not be watching it again. But if you can see past the damage it did to the first Matrix, it proudly deserves to be in this list - it is hilarious in its own awfulness.

19. Dreamcatcher - 2003

Based on a Stephen King novel, I'm having trouble trying to explain this movie in a few lines. How do you describe the indescribable? I'll give it a go but honestly, I won't do it justice.

Four friends meet up and go to a cabin in the woods where they meet someone who farts uncontrollably. We find out that the farter has an alien eel of sorts inside his body. The creature abandons the host through his anus leaving behind it a bloody mess. And here is where things get weird.

Handsome bastard

The four friends can communicate telepathically, a power given to them by a retarted kid when they were children. They use their power to fight the ass-eels (there are loads knocking about) and that's when Morgan Freeman and the entire US Army come in. A quarantine is enforced and the four friends turn for help to the retarded boy from their past who is now dying of leukemia. Morgan Freeman goes crazy. Oh and, the creatures are controlled by a huge monster-alien-type-thingy called Mr Gray.

Am I the only one seeing a fetus next to a scary-looking vagina?

This is the best I can do.

20. Plan 9 from Outer Space - 1956

This is a different entry - Plan 9 is not a bad movie in a conventional way. It's more like a really awful, no-budget, no-effort home movie. Directed by notoriously eccentric Ed Wood, this is an incomprehensible creation about aliens resurrecting the Earth's dead in an effort to stop humans from creating a weapon of mass destruction that will destroy the universe.

Grab the pop-corn!

Writing these lists has made me obsessed with finding more and more hilarious cinematic disasters. Drop me a line or write your suggestion in the comments. I know there must be some obscure thriller somewhere that I don't know about - educate me!

Part I here
Part II here
Part III here