Face it without blinking

I don’t want to make amends

2012-02-05T13:35:00.001-06:00

I don't want to make amends
If you want to bury the hatchet, bury it
You know what you're doing
You know how easy it is
How very often my heart bends
I've been keeping tabs on all of your stories
Been tracking all the trends
Let's smoke the peace pipe and split
I've got no more time to reminisce
But I'm taking back the heart I failed to defend
I told you once
I thought I loved you
I might
Alright
I still do
But right now
I don't want to be friends
So go away
Go back to whatever it is that she extends
Whatever it is
Her body or your inability to
Repent
You have nothing
It's everything you deserve
You're too far gone
Never going to feel alive
That you can only cower in shadows and beg for release
I've tired of your spare crumbs
Yes, I prefer nothing
Your offering only offends
I'm cashing in my chips
I'm turning you away
I said it already
But let me say it again
I thought I loved you once
Now I am not so sure
But from here on out
I don't want to be friends
Dreams of you perched there
I am faking
I am smiling
My favorite defense mechanisms
Please don't touch me anymore
Don't search
Consider it your ultimate act of love for me
An easy and ambiguous disinterest
Your last, best altruism
And will it ever be good again?
I guess it all depends
But today I'm feeling fine
I thought I loved you once
But my heart often pretends
Enjoy your sloppy seconds
I don't want to be friends

The prophetess has left the building.

2012-01-29T23:48:00.003-06:00

Priestess of Delphi by The Honorable John Collier

Oracular utterances
I've been your prophetess
Frenzied
You admire the constant flow
Do you understand it is the decaying of my heart?
The demise of everything I've known
Exploited for the truth you knew
What was waiting to happen
Getting ready for you to go into that
Rabbit hole
Sulfur fumes
Invade
The heat of Hades
We delicately dance around the chasm
But once you tire of the niceties
You hold my head over the vapors
And demand names
Shoving me over the precipice
So that you might fall into other gaps
Or try to get out of the one you're in
Behold your virgin who uttered the oracle
Who now only musters up indifference
To hide the ecstatic pain
My most beloved supplicant
Your journey is over
The visit unnecessary
Your return home will be bitter
Defeat was in your heart
And your preparation only highlighted it
My life continues on the tripod
With your laurel leaves
My divination leaving neither one of us closer to the goal
You've been your own sacrifice
And by the same means, mine
Late night. I am caught up in the frenzy
Solitary, but divine

You have what you deserve.

2012-01-27T17:18:00.002-06:00

Hope
Your favorite emotion
I am, and always have been
Hope hard, honey
You have so much to share
And so much more to give
I hate to love you on one hand
And still be dying to take a dig
There is nothing to return to
You can't go home again
Nothing to hold anymore
Nothing to wish for
Or to forgive
As far I am concerned
You have nothing to be ashamed of
The way I have nothing of yours to erase or forget
But admit
You never missed me
You missed the purge
You missed the attention
The absence of your well earned heavy sentiment
The idea of me carrying it away
Uncertain why it is here
I am not
You're not happy with what you crave
But aren't satisfied with what you've got
Life is so hard
And you keep hoping
Keep hoping hard
You have so much to share
But nothing real to live
I know you're tapping me for blood
But I've got nothing more to give

It's way too late.

2012-01-23T17:39:00.002-06:00

Because I'm letting you keep your curiosity
It's a gift and you can love me with all of your heart
Every time you take it out
You can think about it forever
Turn it over and over in your mind
It won't change anything
It won't be able to make you stay
And nothing you can give will make me return
You're a chased man and you've taken to running away
You have no answers
I don't know why either
But you won't resolve this complication
You've taken to sleeping it away
It seems owning up is not an option
Although I tried to wake you
You ignored my alarm
Onward and onward
Always
I want it all, so it is time I leave what I cannot touch
Everything
Now I know you slipped and said it
Because you were not paying attention
Or you were trying to catch me up in the details
And maybe tomorrow you will eye February
I'll stay soundless
Waiting for my heart to bloom
You'll have to trust that everyone loves you
As much as I used to
It will enter with a frigid tone
And I will remain firm
I told you the curiosity wouldn't kill you
But it would lead to things to draw me away
Infection spreading
I cannot bear to be the one to carry your burden
Built for two

Mouth full of monsters

2012-01-18T19:21:00.001-06:00

I see you trying to ease on in
I don't know if there is anything to salvage
Or if you can return again
You haven't said you've missed me
And I've been feeling for it
You want me to come back around
So you can share what is still nipping at you
Causing you such pain
You want to just say them and let them go
Ride on the wind
But you forget I collect and digest
And make them live independently of either one of us
You ask me to erase it because you can just brush aside
Any sort of trace
This is the typical discussion with myself
Should I take up the thread to do you the favor
Take my place in the confessional
And weep as you release
I told you in so many ways
Looked you in the eye
And softened your blows
With euphemisms and poetry
I opened my mouth and out came my monsters
You suspiciously quiet
Though I confirmed what you always knew
I gave you everything
There is nothing more to say
I gave you my heart
My mouth
The prayers I pray
Everything else I can offer is lip service
A warm body attached to an ear attached to a face with a fake smile
Tsk tsking at calamity
You know what road you chose
You know that you picked your lust over me
Everything that had existed started seeping out slowly
Hemorrhaging profusely
All done
Spilled
My love, her thighs
Laid bare
Tell me my lover
Is there something else that we should share?

¡Se me sube el muerto!

2011-12-29T18:39:00.000-06:00

Delta
Down by the river
I am sipping poison
Dancing
I am calling out his name
Trapped and unmoving
I am trying to break the waves
There is a princely price for everything
Breaking away is costly
And freeing
Dreamless as I am
Feeling the frequency
Slow moving
Seconds, deeply
Feeling the frequency decrease
All the motion that was there
Alive
Floating memories
Animated but still
While you're away on holiday
Butterflies and magpies
It is in me
Lifeless and shriveling
Nothing to keep
Everything was born to breathe and live
And some things at my hands
Were born to die
Delta in and I am in a dead sleep
Down by the river
Screaming under water, detaching
Holding up the fort
Conjuring up her name
Rapt and pulsing now
I have broken the waves
Feeling my frequency

What part of your memory is selective and tends to forget what with this distance it seems so obvious?

2011-12-20T23:50:00.000-06:00

I love best
In barren states
Alone
I love with passion, pain, desire
Anxiety
I love best in denial
In the middle of limbo
When you have made your choice
And it was not me
Let our moments be dry
Polite and deliberate
I'll render myself frigid
Unreadable
You can play at shock
Say you were sideswiped
Thrown off
Because you thought my love was unshakable
And it was
Until the first real sign of smoke
And my heart was transposed
Done being used
Friend confidant confessional mockery
A pit stop
A living, breathing moral compass for the lost and confused
I love best in silence
And agony
In the promise
Where you don't have to lie
And you don't have to be honest
I've been feral for so long
Don't think that this will last
Hissing and spitting
I remind you
I'm better uninhabited
My love blooms at night, in solitude
I love you best alone

A departure, an arrival, the end at my hands and the beginning of my life.

2011-12-14T15:12:00.002-06:00

Shakira's song "Antes de las seis" is killing me right now. KILLING ME.

I've done some re-arranging in my life, and as things that make you grow tend to do, I'm a little achy and tender right now. But survival is the only option and when things have settled, I will be me, stronger. That can never be a bad thing. In the meantime, I will allow myself to hurt and get through it all, and this song will be playing a lot.

Te mostré mi fuerza bruta
Mi talón de Aquiles, mi poesía

Qué harás?
Sólo una historia más
Qué haré si no te vuelvo a ver?
Oh, oh

Si desde el día en que no estás
Vi la noche llegar mucho antes de las seis
Si desde el día en que no estás
Vi la noche llegar mucho antes de las seis
Mucho antes

"I showed you my brute force
my Achilles Heel, my poetry

What would you do?
Just one more story
What would I do if I don't see you again?
Oh, oh

Since the day you're not here
I saw the evening arrive much earlier than six
Since the day you're not here
I saw the evening arrive much earlier than six

Much earlier..."

A prayer for distance

2011-12-07T14:50:00.000-06:00

A day without you
Is the same as a day with you
Is the same as a slap in the face
A broken heart, a broken base
The self flagellation is through
Your revolt is in full swing
And I am not into anarchy
I wrote a to do list today
Time to pack up my panties and perfumes
Gonna go away from here
Gotta get far away
I've done it before; I'd love to do it again
My soul is infused with the pursuit of happiness
I want reserve
And quiet and a fire
A bottle of gin
I want to want you less
A girl in search of perspective
A chase for a little bliss
I want to be remote
A day on a plane
Go up and up and up and up
I look down and see the road to the airport
Parts of the city
Abstract lights and cars
And then it's just glitter on black
Glitter on black and your face is far-off
Untraceable
Then I am above mountains
And I am a cloud
No memory, no sound
No feelings, no ground just clouds and my sky, the earth far, far beneath
I'm warm and away, God and sleep
I'm unavailable, unable to define the streets or you or anything else
Just silence and distance
Amen

You can't go wrong if you do what is right.

2011-12-05T14:58:00.000-06:00

When talking about sentiments
There is no logic
It makes no sense
You like your lines hard, straight down
Continue to follow rules that no one can justify
And excuse me as I bow out
I wish you all the best
And hope while you're getting deep
You find it in your heart to grow a pair
Or ask her to give you your balls back
Two times ten your years
Your cells multiplying
Too many days of cowardice to bother counting
And tender distractions presented in desperately tempting packages
Loose things to drive your tired bones to another bed
the agony of the love you had to refuse
You lay before me a story
Saying that they had pushed you to the edge
Did you swear to God
With a gun to your head?
Between your triggers and mine
A warm hole, a firm pair of tits
The detonator for me to take my road away from this
From here on out
I leave you to submit yourself to the most ordinary pleasures
Mother echoing in my ears
"You're worth more than a life in shadows
Worth more than a stolen kiss
There will be many who fill that role
But throw him to the wayside
He isn't the only one who can create seemingly solid structures
And perfectly drawn battle lines"

It's a battle cry/It's a symphony

2011-12-01T17:40:00.007-06:00

Lilith (1892) by John Collier

They were highly sexually predatory towards men but were unable to copulate normally. They were thought to dwell in waste, desolate, and desert places.

Lilith's epithet was "the beautiful maiden". She was described as having no milk in her breasts and as unable to bear any children.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lilith

Our chase has ended
The nurtured will now be hunted
It's me or you
And I was born to survive
I'm tired of playing doctor to your broken man
Divided in so many pieces
Slicing myself as well
My jealousy rising
I was the first Muse
I am Lilith, are you listening?
I'm done cleaning up this chaos you're in
No more am I an abode for jackals
You've decided to bite the apple
Keep in mind that I planted the tree
Born from my lips, my hands
Are the ideas for her to harvest
Her squalid, sticky fingers leaving prints
And I will not turn around to help when you call out
When you seek the bottomless
I'm turning a blind eye
And you will tire of swimming
And running
And running away
Soon nothing will bring you joy
Remember me
Recall the moment I seethed your wretched future from my salty mouth
I am an oracle you decided to ignore
So be it
You felt so grown
Overblown joy
Delighting in being an animal
Exultation in the chase
The fuck
The kill
The consummation of it all
The moaning
The union of flesh and teeth
The life apart
A secret that you can only partially control
The spoils are yours
And yours alone
Revel in it, Adam
Don't look for me again
Lilith is gone

Hide yourself in someone else, don't find yourself in me.

2011-11-30T20:28:00.001-06:00

I forgive you Magdalena
For all of the bad ideas
The love you so desperately desired
You felt drain out so slowly
You watched navigate around
And somehow filter through you
I forgive you Magdalena
For taking me along for the ride
You thought it would be fun and it was
For a while
Until what once create fantastic friction
Created a fired that you could not put out
And I was in the middle
Like a witch at the stake
I release you from it all
From the lapses in judgment
The terrible mistakes
I cut the strands of hair that still mark where you were
Where you've stood
Where you've laid
tear marked
bloodstained
I shred the ribbons they tried to bind you with
You were a butterfly
They all tried to catch you in their net
And they succeeded, some of them
But then you played dead
And they set you aside
The minute they turned away
You started to fly
Magdalena, I pull the pins that tore your wings
A harsh victory
A glorious mess
A bittersweet memory
I absolve you Magdalena
For all of the things you swallowed
All of the things you hid
Manifestations of the things you were denied
Real or make believe
Nothing more to confess
I forgive you for everything
Maladies by your hand
And what they did in turn
I release you
Sleep tonight
I forgive you Magdalena
I forgive you

I say a little prayer for you.

2011-11-29T14:29:00.000-06:00

Don't be too flattered
Sometimes we do good things that look bad
And bad things that look good
When I'm screaming at shadows
In the middle of the night
Oh please, fade away
I've soiled my pretty mouth
By even mentioning your name
The chills that shake my body
Nothing is safe anymore
I don't trust myself or anything
That is when I beg for you
Beg for me
But the ravaging continues
You too selfish to ever want to hear my pleas
But watch her
I'm not going to give anyone the pleasure of a show
Even bleeding
I'm too stupid to not play nice
But that girl
Will watch you burn
And I won't be bothered to save you from yourself twice
No matter how much I liked to kneel
For
you
I did once pray
But now
Don't be too flattered
Sometimes we do good things that look bad
And bad things that look good

Protect me from what I want.

2011-11-14T19:40:00.001-06:00

It was nothing
A whisper to myself
No echo was a prayer that was answered
Be my something borrowed
I am your something blue
I'll quit listening to your words when I wake up
Or when I grow bored of you
You'll grow bored of me when I make it to bed
and so we are each others game
And killer and brother and keeper
Engulfed in flames
Your heart on fire and in us blood and gasoline
My heart is the same
I feel what it is to rise
What it is to feel empty in my home
I have fought and come out victorious of all the foolish battles
The queen of a useless war
They are of no concern to me now
The winner stands alone
And you speak of being upstanding
All pressed clean, your unspoiled white collars
An air of superiority
Sermons with a smile
Saturated with dignity
You, a temple of a man
Steeped in facts and decency
Every memory that swirls around my mind for you
Is of vulgarity and lying
My favorite vision of repressed blasphemy
But it was nothing but a bother
A whisper to myself
A dream of you, and you were the ocean
Turned into a punishment
Days of a child and a tempest in a glass of water

Sinner Victim Object Winner

2011-11-11T16:57:00.001-06:00

So, just as Hester is a vessel for the feelings and actions of the men who surround her in the book, she's also a mirror, revealing the true feelings of the reader about the role of women in society.

http://www.npr.org/2008/03/02/87805369/hester-prynne-sinner-victim-object-winner

And the waters receded
It was a delight to see the sun
And when it came out I swore
You will be the first one
Last one
Hester Prynne has left the building
I didn't say a word
Not a whisper of what I've seen
Your story is my story
And now the betrayer has betrayed me
I cannot pick up a needle
Without wanting to carve into my flesh
And yours and hers
Scarlet letters are a dime a dozen, aren't they darling?
You just have to find the one that you want best
They're rolling 4 deep
5 deep
The world is yours
The girls are yours
Waiting for it
Deep into my heart my lover
Deep into my chest
Oh lend me the knife
I want it
I want it out
Because it really is all mine
I've been here alone, alone alone the whole time
I'll cut the hate out
Carved out by my own hand, beating alive
Elate at it moving
Yes how it squirmed once within within within me
But I told you Hester Prynne has left the building
I don't think she will return
But she left me your written confession
And your picture
And a box of matches to make them burn
My darling
The waters have receded
It's a delight to see the sun

Autumn approaches, even way down here in Mexico.

2011-10-17T18:09:00.000-05:00

It brings a sliver of cold and with it, a memory.

And after everything
the sound the stain the sting
you are a story I love to tell
you are my favorite song to sing
Winter's inevitable slow march is measured and deliberate
Her first frosty breath
touch my hand, take me away
give me lover
the tiny death

Down by the water

2011-10-06T17:59:00.002-05:00

Little boy what they taught you by the river
Wish you could bottle it up
Teach them all how to deliver
But only if
Only if you give it all
I think you had a little bit too much to drink
Stood staring at nothing but you said it was love love love in the well
I think you had a little too much tonight
And your inability to rise to the occasion
Is making my heart sink
Though Saturday there will be another
Doesn't matter
Kill the sister
When you kiss the brother
I don't think I'll ever lie by these banks again
But I can remember the way you want
The way that it begin
I said it to myself first
Then louder and louder
A way to drown out the guilt
That I felt
Say it again
The days have passed
and I have misbehaved
Wonderfully sleep deprived
Wonderfully depraved
Little boy what they taught you by the river
Wish you could bottle it up
Teach them all how to deliver
But only if
Only if you give it all

Words are very unnecessary/They can only do harm

2011-09-13T22:44:00.001-05:00

Baby why you do you look so miserable
In such a lovely place
I know you're thinking of her summer dress
The lack of your love scattered across her face
Have your smiles always been so broken?
I don't recall you being so lifeless
So listless
Oh I promised
I swore
I wouldn't listen to sob stories
No not anymore
I drink to you
And to me
I drink to the woman
To your war
Something to sing
When you walked out
I laced it, sure
You took it out into the sun and it curdled
Everything you looked at reminded you of her
I gave you a song to retrieve
Your every wasted youth memory
Cheers to every moment you loved me
And every moment after you knew the truth
Your unease
And my desire
The treacherous disease
Oh darling the cure is and always has been
Throwing my heart into the fire
Take the ashes
And lay it on what hurts
I drink to you
And to me
I drink to the woman
And I drink to your war
I drink to the darkness
That always gives me something to sing
Someone to sing about
When you walked into my life
And the lights went out

I pray myself to sleep

2011-09-13T18:11:00.003-05:00

La Bendecida by Sylvia Ji

Everything I've never said
In one grandiose sweeping motion I've thrown everything to the floor
Thrown everything to the proverbial wind
You wonder why I never tell you what I'm thinking
Well there it is
Don't ask me what I'm thinking,
or how I'm feeling anymore
I'm a girl good for cleaning up your stress
I'm better when I'm quiet
Prettier when I'm silent
When I start to say something
Anything
Love never came easy
Love never comes out right
All my words do are come out to make a mess
And now you'll distrust me
Like I distrust you
Showing me
The bloodless wound
Breaking things discreetly
Restrained
She's a cavity
Nothing more to say
Sometimes we're just a shallow hole that has run its course
That has gotten in the way
Too much adoration, too much sugar
Too many memories that slowly watched me decay
I used to feel your sun beat on me like summer
Now I feel you like a shadow over my shoulder
Seeping into my blood a little more every day
Maybe she stood in the door listening
Or maybe she was busy planning her next big move
And me?
These days I'm on the lam
I swore I'd side step
Convinced I could break necks
But that was before you
Now I am changed
And I don't think I can

A little fever, a touch of delirium

2011-09-09T18:45:00.000-05:00

I feel you like a shadow over my shoulder

Seeping into my blood a little more every day

Heart broken.

2011-09-05T18:18:00.001-05:00

My dad had been feeding a little stray out by our house. So has the woman at the bakery. A little over a week ago, however it was official. We're going to do everything we can to keep her.

My mom got up to go to the bathroom and hear her yip. Two large dogs had her surrounded. She woke my dad up "You have to do something! You can't leave her outside like that (She followed my dad home…) those dogs will rip her to shreds!" So out he went, opened the gate and said "Come here!". She ran inside and my dad put a pair of old jeans down for her to lay on.

I don't know what to name her. I was thinking "Dona" (Donut) she curls up in a little tight ball in the corner of our garage. She's terribly thin. We took her to the vet and just further proof that he is awesome, he did the typical combo (check up, bath, check for parasites) and added in a flea dip, fur cut and heartworm meds, just because he's a good person.

I saw her out the window after her bath and fur cut with the tiny red bows the aesthetician put on her little ears, and she looked like an itty bitty present-I want to name her Navidad-Christmas in Spanish.

One thing is for sure, I hope my mean old grumpy Boston Terrier takes a liking to her. Our new lady needs love, she needs a home. She flinches when I pet her, but still lets me stroke her little head. She comes to the gate when I get home and her little tail wags between her legs.

I hope the person (people?) who abused her absolutely rots, that's for damn sure. I don't know how you could ever treat such a tiny, defenseless creature with anything but tenderness.

With my teeth at your back and my tongue to tell you the sweetest lies

2011-09-05T00:32:00.001-05:00

Before I get on with the angry tongue lashing
I should thank you
For the lovely lessons
Lights so brightly flashing
Teaching me how to reign in the wild horses
At least a little bit
A love letter
Everyone is deserving of peace
And here is mine
That mouth is something I will desperately miss
Something else to let go with the wind
Memories, my memories
Wrapped in sugar and organza
Flawed
Perfect
Cutting
Killing me
And if I remember it like that
There is nothing more to want from the untouchable
And though it was good
Never let the animal out too far
I'm still not convinced that it didn't run away
But alas here we are
Girl divinity
Comes easy these days
And I'm the first victim
The worst witness
Of what moments of weakness and lust can bring
But I will brush sugar off
Straighten my dress and newly earned wings
Before I get on with the angry tongue lashing
I should thank you
For the lovely lessons
And the lights so brightly flashing

My lovely bones, the color of my bruises

2011-09-02T12:38:00.003-05:00

You can ask all you want
Never going to show you the color of my bruises, baby
Oh you suspect I've got scratches
But you won't every be privy to how deep the blade slipped in
Won't let you count the times you sliced unwillingly into me
Sift through every turn of phrase
Everything so dissected
You're blind to ever see
Let alone recognize your name
It's a hobby
A pastime
I like to poke at my wounds
To feel them bleed
You watched him work me
Listened to my tiny gasps, cracking
The song of my bones synchronizing, splitting
Tension breaks
I'm tiny and human
Shake shake shake
Hearts and time into place
The unchanging poetry of calcium phosphate
We all want to see the rise after the fall
And you will if you wait
You sat in awe as invisible strings jerked me back to my body
A woman after all, like every woman painted into a corner
Every woman backed into a wall
I just wanted to get the silence back
A dark night love lacuna
A shade delivered to your lips
I have offered for you prayers at the alter
The light of my eyes
I will keep the color of my bruises

More sugary goodness

2011-08-23T15:32:00.003-05:00

Pretty interesting, and I like the illustration.

http://www.nytimes.com/2011/08/23/health/23bone.html?ref=health

Examining the Mystery of Skeleton, Sugar and Sex.

Judith Loves Holofernes

2011-08-17T17:10:00.002-05:00

Judith + Holofernes by Frank Barbara

How do you feel, Holofernes?
I'll send in the nurses
I must retire for the night
It's gone lackluster
And uninspired
It's time for me to head for the moonlight
My hands haven't ever been idle
But I'm headed to the Devil's playground
I'm learning to move water, lover
Do you have any questions that you may like answered?
I've seen into your every thought
You're nervous and fidgety
Distant and distraught
I'm enjoying your reaction
You even surprised me with your admission
But things will run their course
And it will come back
I'm waiting quietly
because silence is golden
and patience a force