Facebook Status AWESOMEizer

4/23/2012

2012-04-23T00:26:00.004-07:00

Laugh at your problems, everybody else does.
If you want to Learn How to Save & Budget Your Money Ask A Republican Or A Drug Dealer!!!
Just found out that the girl from the Blind Melon video grew up to be Jonah Hill.
statistics show that 97 % of dead people will stop posting statuses.
If you love something, let it go, if it comes back to you, it has really low self esteem and you should exploit that for s@xual favors
says I can always tell if someone is a murderer within the first 5 seconds of them stabbing me.
Where do you keep your booze? I keep mine in my liver, like normal people.
says When you upload photos to Facebook, I'd appreciate it if you tagged your hot friends. It makes stalking them much easier. Thank you.
So listen, here's the deal; If I wanna hear about god or religion I'll go to church, otherwise I am only here on Facebook to stalk and flirt.
says Here is a big shout out for slugs, those little guys are out there doing the same stuff as snails but without helmets...
"Jesus loves you." It's so nice to hear that said to oneself in church!! ... "Jesus loves you." A horrific thing to hear in a Mexican prison!!

Funny Status Updates 12/27/2011

2011-12-27T15:25:00.000-08:00

I fucking hate double standards... If a girl sleeps with a load of different men, she's a slut. But when a guy does it he's a homosexual?

MmmmMmmm....yummy, Christmas leftovers...... Beer!

I'm not saying you're easy, but when I look up something to do in your town it gives me your address.

Did you hear about the Muslim strip club? It features full facial nudity.

I think my wife is practicing to become a Impressionist. One day I came home and I could hear her in our room doing an impression of our neighbor. Not sure why she chose the phrase "Where should I hide?", but it was good none the less.

On Jan 1st I'll be opening a place called Resolutions. For the first 2 weeks it will be a gym and for the other 50 it will be a bar.

Twisted Monday Thought

Doesn't Oscar from Sesame Street look like a talking bud of weed?

Due to the declining economy and the flooded seashell market, Sally now sells sodomy on a side street in Savannah.

My girlfriend said "let's just do some spooning tonight". Although it sounded kinda' weird to me, I didn't want to disappoint her so I brought a ice cream scooper into bed.....I'll let you know how this played out.

This New Year's Eve, I'm going to frantically masturbate at 11.55pm, and then when I cum at 12 I can pretend that all the cheering and fireworks are for me.

My probation officer just called to see if I wanted to go party with her on New Years Eve.......I smell a trap

2011-12-14T05:06:00.000-08:00

christmas was best when I used to believe in Santa Clause.. I wanna be 22 again

You are a buzz kill! ~ my girlfriend's response to me when she found out that I stole the batteries out of her vibrator, and put them in my X-BOX controller.

He knows when you are sleeping, He knows when you’re awake. He knows if you’ve been bad or good… Sounds like Santa’s got a Facebook account.

I always look for a woman who has a tattoo. I see a woman with a tattoo, and I’m thinking, okay, here’s a gal who’s capable of making a decision she’ll regret in the future.

Rhinos are just fat unicorns.

I turned my phone onto "Airplane mode" and threw it up into the air. Worst. Transformer. Ever.

Facebook should have a limit on times you can update your relationship status, after 3 it should default to 'unstable'

When someone says to me great minds think alike, I just look at them and think 'you dirty bastard'.

The fact that my apartment is clean, laundry is done and I am running ahead of schedule for work this morning says.....I might actually be starting to get this whole "functional alcoholic" thing down.....

I'm only "Pee In The Yard While The Neighbors Can See" drunk right now... I'm aiming for "Get On 'COPS' And Not Have My Face Blurred Because I Was So Fucked Up I Signed The Release" drunk before the night is through.

My wife is seeing a psychiatrist.. and a plumber.. and my neighbor

It was pretty irresponsible to put a little girl in charge of a bunch of sheep. They should have started Little Bo Peep with something easier like a hamster.

eHarmony: Desperately seeking a woman that can open a tube of K-Y with her toes

My friends and I created a new game kind of like punch bug except when we see a smart car we run it off the road, pull the driver out and punch him...

I'm not saying you're a slut, but I think I saw your vagina on groupon.

My boss sends out emails from his desktop computer to our owners about what a valuable employee I am while he is out to lunch.

wow that is the most ridiculous fucked up idea ever, be there in 10 min

I met a girl with a shaved head today. "So does the carpet match the drapes?" I snickered. I was promptly escorted out of the cancer ward by hospital security. :(

The other day, I saw the headline: 'Woman beats off rapist' and I thought... "That seems like a reasonable compromise."

When hanging out with me, we should always drop off a car at the police station before going out so we can drive home in the morning.

Had the weirdest sex dream last night. When I woke up, the cat was at the foot of the bed, purring, nudging a sandwich toward me.

Somebody called me a racist today! I mean I think they did, it's so hard to hear through these white hoods.

I was so drunk last night when I got to the bottom of the stairs I took off my shoes, coat, top, pants and bra slowly as I could. I crept upstairs very quietly, it was only when I got to the top of the stairs I realised I was on the f*cking bus!

It's annoying that I don't understand all these Call of Duty or Lord of the Rings jokes.
Then I remember, I've had sex.

When life gives you lemons, make a milkshake. They'll never see it coming.

Funny Status Updates 11/26/2011

2011-11-26T19:40:00.001-08:00

Had my annual check up this past week....conversation between the doctor and me went something like this. "Mr. Street, I am afraid you are going to have to stop masturbating"...so I of course asked "Why do I need to stop doc?" and he said "Because I am still trying to examine you

I want you all to know that when I die and NO matter what ultimately kills me my obituary should read as follows: Was found dead; drowned in a pool of alcohol still clutching the bottle she drank.

I've been kicked off my Internet dating site for lying!

Apparently 'local celebrity' can't be used as another term for 'known rapist'

Two scoops of raisins my ass!!! I separated out the raisins and guess what? A scoop and a half. I'm furious!!

How To Cook A Turkey:

Step 1: Go buy a turkey

Step 2: Take a drink of whiskey

Step 3: Put turkey in the oven

Step 4: Take another 2 drinks of whiskey

Step 5: Set the degree at 375 ovens

Step 6: Take 3 more whiskeys of drink

Step 7: Turk the bastey

Step 8: Whiskey another bottle of get

Step 9: Ponder the meat thermometer

Step 10: Glass yourself a pour of whiskey

Step 11: Bake the whiskey for 4 hours

Step 12: Take the oven out of the turkey

Step 13: Floor the turkey up off of the pick

Step 14: Turk the carvey

Step 15: Get yourself another scottle of botch

Step 16: Tet the sable and pour yourself a glass of turkey

Step 17: Bless the dinner and pass out

My neighbors are outside right now nailing a turkey to a cross yelling "Rise again, Turkey Jesus!" They're new to this country.

I wish the rest of my family would leave so I can go back to downloading Japanese porn.

Well i discovered that it is illegal to turkey hunt with a 12 guage in the frozen food section at the grocery store.

Decided to lay down, unbutton my pants and watch football after my Thanksgiving meal. The manager at Applebee's was not happy.

Did you notice the way your mom kept looking at me the whole time during dinner? ..what ..that was my parents house?

I need to get out of 'Black Friday' mode. I just maced an old woman at the grocery store for a box of Captain Crunch...

Funny Status Updates 11/15/2011

2011-11-15T11:05:00.000-08:00

No officer...... It's not "bribery" if that $100 bill was stuck to the back of my license..... finders keepers sorta' thing... uh...hehe.....

Dear street department,

Please come fix the potholes in my road as the bumps are costing me a fortune in beer spillage.

Thank you.

Will cuddle for sex

When I play Rock, Paper, Scissors with someone I like to throw in "surprise roundhouse kick to the esophagus." I'm really good at Rock, Paper, Scissors.

If you ever had a pet duck and it's name wasn't "Quackers" I hate you and I hope you're butt raped by a yeti.

I think I'll enter my ex-gf into the World Record books.

I decided to see how long she could hold her breath under water, so far she's been under for 32 minutes.

I asked my kid “do you know why we have a Thanksgiving holiday?”

He said, “Sure! It’s so we know when to start Christmas shopping!”

You lied....you don't have a Klondike Bar do ya?

Funny Status Updates 11/04/2011

2011-11-04T08:48:00.001-07:00

Just once it'd be nice to see a butterfly that didn't fly like such a pussy.

I think I'm getting a cold. Looks like it's time to add some Emergen-C to my vodka tonight.

THIS JUST IN: CHILD ACTOR BUCKWHEAT HAS CONVERTED HIS RELIGION TO ISLAM. HE WILL NOW GO BY THE NAME, "KAREEM OF WHEAT.'' DETAILS AT ELEVEN.

Things girls say that get me off immediately:
1. Don't stop!
2. I'm almost there!
3. Faster!
4. Hi!

You know you’ve had too much to drink when you’re driving through a construction zone yelling at the orange, cone-shaped kids to stop playing in the street.

I just ate a Granny Smith. Wasn't bad, a little bitter for my taste.
But it seemed she really appreciated it.

Just realised that the extra-large screen with the realistic screensaver that I have on the wall in my office is actually a window. Cool.

How was I supposed to know a slow increasing clap was "inappropriate" to start after a eulogy.

My eharmony video bio would be way better if you couldn't hear my wife yelling at me from upstairs.

Dear Women,
We feel your pain. They only love us for our breasts too -- Turkeys

Favorites Of The Day! =D

2011-09-20T20:10:00.001-07:00

My girlfriend thinks I'm a stalker, Well, she's not actually my girlfriend yet.

I've had such a bad week First my girlfriend got run over by a bus, then I lost my job.. ..as a bus driver

My girlfriend told me yesterday, "You only ever hear what you want to hear!" "Thank you," I replied. "I have been working out."

If a tomato is a fruit, does that make ketchup a smoothie

Switzerland's economy was ranked #1 by the World Economic Forum while the U.S. fell to #5.....I guess those little Swiss army knives must be selling like hotcakes! ツ

Funny Status Updates 9/15/2011

2011-09-15T17:46:00.001-07:00

There's a reason it's called "Girls Gone Wild" and not "Women Gone Wild". When girls go wild, they show their underwear. When women go wild, they kill people

Ugh, you offer someone a sincere compliment on their moustache and suddenly she's not your friend anymore

Murderer: if you choose me as a victim PLEASE dispose of my laptop after. No one needs to see the f***ed up stuff I search for

feels like I need to buy my liver something expensive and beg it to take me back

SO what? Yes, I met my wife online. Like you've never used eBay

sometimes when I'm drunk I choose the Spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself

Some people deserve to get eggs thrown at them. Brick shaped eggs....Made of brick

Some people just need a high five. In the face. With a chair.

Yesterday I went to see a shrink about my Facebook addiction, everything was going smoothly and I was on the road to recovery until he said, "What’s on your mind?"

can tell when my kids are faking sickness to get out of going to school because no matter what their complaint is they always walk with a limp

Tip: People return your phone calls faster if you start voicemails with "by the time you hear this I'll be dead"

The judge says I'm a repeat offender, but he always says that

went to a feminist picnic today. It was great, apart from the fact no one made any sandwiches.

Son-of-a-bitch! The Chinese food delivery guy just dropped my food all over my hallway, turned & ran away. There's schezuan chicken and hot & sour soup everywhere!! I gotta stop answering the door naked.

Funny Status Updates 9/12/2011

2011-09-12T09:16:00.001-07:00

The problem with rush hour traffic is that by the time I get home I lose my buzz

hates it when friends of mine get divorced. It's like they don't even remember my hilarious dance moves at their wedding.

If she was a real "psychic palm reader" she would've asked me to wash my hands first.

My liver is evil and must be drowned with alcohol.

From now on, when someone posts FML, I'll assume they mean "Fermenting My Liver."

The very existence of flamethrowers proves that sometime, somewhere, someone said to themselves, “You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I’m just not close enough to get the job done"

Forget Viagra, I need a pill that makes my wife like me for four hours.

That moment when a question on a test is so hard that even your inner voice is like, "The hell with it, let's just work at McDonalds".

Hey, women who breastfeed in public. What's with you not winking back?

I sat down today and asked for a bowl of Lobster Bisque. They told me, "we don't serve that here". So then I asked for the Vichyssoise. Again, they told me "we don't serve that here". And they call themselves a SOUP KITCHEN!!!

My girlfriend left me because she thinks i'm crazy. I'm beginning to regret all the effort i put into protecting her from the king of the potato people.

A guy broke into my house last week..he didnt take the TV just the remote.Now he drives by and changes the channels...Sick Bastard!

Just found out that you should never compliment a lady on her mustache... no matter how magnificent it is.

2011-07-15T10:20:00.001-07:00

More money is spent on boob jobs and viagra than on alzheimer's research! By 2040 the elderly will have perky tits, stiff cocks and no f***ing idea why!

My wife said we should try some role reversal in bed last night… So I said I had a headache.

Two people in every one is a schizophrenic.

‎".: ::. .. :.: :. .:.. :..::. :.:. ..:: :..: ::: ..:. . .: ::. .. :.: :.. .:.. :..::. :.::. ..:: :..: .:. :...:" - Stevie Wonder

I smashed my car into a bus stop full of people last night. I got away with a broken arm. Don't know whose but it's mine now!

I find those "No shirt, no shoes, no service" signs very misleading because they never say anything about having to wear pants. Apparently, I was wrong... now gotta go to court on Thursday...

I can't see an end. I have no control and I don't think there's any escape. I don't even have a home anymore.
It's definitely time for a new keyboard. :)

NASCAR in Kentucky, I have not seen this many rednecks fired up about something since RedMan started using resealable pouches.

When I see someone driving the same car I’m driving, I always peer in to make sure it’s not me from another dimension.

Please copy and paste this as your status if you know someone, or have heard of someone who knows someone that may know someone who knows anyone. If you don’t know anyone, or even if you’ve heard of anyone who doesn’t know anyone that doesn’t know someone, then still copy this. It’s important to spread the message. Oh, and the hearts. ♥ ♥ ♥ For crap’s sake, don’t forget the hearts. ♥ ♥ ♥

PLEASE - put this on your status if you know someone (or are related to someone) who has been eaten by dragons. Dragons are nearly unstoppable and, in case you didn't know, they can also breathe fire. 93% of people won't copy & paste this, because they have already been eaten by dragons. 6% of people are sitting in the shower armed with fire extinguishers and the remaining 1% are awesome and will repost this

Got a Rolex for my birthday from a couple of lesbians I know. Guess they misunderstood me when I told them "I wanna watch".

I seen someone's status on Facebook, they said they were suicidal and on the edge..So I poked them...

People say that you should say no to drugs, but I'm thinking that if you're talking to drugs, it's too late!

Status Updates 6/8/11

2011-06-08T03:36:00.000-07:00

Has anyone come across any data that determines whether or not adopted highways have any abandonment issues later on in life?
You are so selfish! You're going to have that body the rest of your life and I just want it for one damn night!"
I used to be in a band called ‘Missing Cat’. You probably saw our posters.
says i'm gonna yank it like a monkey in a Mango tree.
is Damit.... I woke up with a pulse. I supose this means I should get dressed now....
says have you seen the new Hippie doll? wind it up and it doesn't work.
Have you ever laughed so hard that no sound comes out and you sit there clapping your hands like a retarded seal?
is On-Star has made it so much more difficult for me to take my time when I'm robbing accident victims.
feel like standing across the street facing a nursing home in a grim reaper costume and waving at all the old people I see...
is I wasn't masturbating, I was cleaning it and it just went off!
when everything seems overwhelming, I just reassure myself that I will die someday....
is kind of surprised I'm not an action figure by now.
i got sacked from the salvation army soup kitchen today,ungratful bastards.All i said was hurry up 4fucks sake!!some of us have homes 2 go 2.
I don't drink water.....FISH have sex in it!!

Status Updates 6/6/11

2011-06-06T02:48:00.000-07:00

is Dear 6, Please stop spreading rumors about me eating 9. You shouldn't be talking. I hear you guys do some pretty nasty things. Sincerely, 7.
If I had a nickel for every time someone said I'm bad at math, I'd have 47 cents.
I'm not sayin you are stupid, I just said that you have bad luck when you're thinking.
My mom says you are what you eat. That's funny, because I haven't eaten any sexy beasts recently.
I'm so hungry I could eat the A$$ end out of a rag doll.
"Rape" is such an ugly term ... I prefer to call it Struggle Snuggles.
Someone once said that I should always treat other people how I would like to be treated. Now I'm facing sexual harassment charges.
i am in no shape to exercise
is Jesus is just a guy who mows my lawn
says 1 in 3 americans suffer from constapation. Do not be ashamed. Chances are you or someone you love is constapated. Stand proud and join the fight against constapation. You are not alone ..
Next time you sit at a McDonald's playland and a parent asks you, "Which one is yours?" Say, "I haven’t picked one out yet!"
It takes a big man to cry, it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man
Keith Stone may be smooth, but we're all in consensus that he's a pedophile, right?
This is going to sound like a generalization, but all people who drive white pickup trucks are rapists.
Thinking of stalking my stalker just to shake things up a bit.
"My Life is based on a True Story."
"I'm confused...wait...maybe I'm not."

Status Updates 6/4/11

2011-06-03T11:51:00.000-07:00

I had a pigeon on steroids poop on me today. Good times.
Muffins are just ugly cupcakes...
we all know unicorns exist because google doesn't lie
thinks its OK to beat up an old lady, if its at Costco, or if she really had it coming
Sarah from Land Before Time is obviously a lesbian.
I would seriously knife fight my own mother to go to Hogwarts.....
has super aids and is gonna die sometime soon
PLEASE - put this on your status if you know someone (or are related to someone) who has been eaten by dragons. Dragons are nearly unstoppable and, in case you didn't know, they can also breathe fire. 93% of people won't copy & paste this, because they have already been eaten by dragons. 6% of people are sitting in the shower armed with fire extinguishers and the remaining 1% are awesome and will repost this
FACT: A cat will blink when struck in the head with a hammer
You can say lots of bad things about pedophiles but at least they drive slowly past schools
Everybody says that you should say no to drugs, but I'm thinking that if you're talking to drugs, it's too late.

Status Updates 6/1/11

2011-06-01T09:39:00.000-07:00

is getting a grip on life… and choking it to death
I told my girl friend i wish i had magical powers because i think it would impress her.
Airports are my favorite place to have a fistfight with an old woman.
says Chuck Norris once flushed a condom.. later the ninja turtles were born.
is I don't confront people. I was raised right. I talk stuff behind their backs. It's called manners.
likes girls for their hearts. Their big, bouncy, jiggly hearts.
is what happens in vegas,stays in vegas..except for herpes
I'm going to be the first person to walk on the sun... I know what ur thinking an I've got it all figured out... I'm going at night.
In the eyes of most women, every man is born a Defendant.
It's 2011, microwaves should have one button that says Cook Sh!t.
Vegetarians and vegans spend entirely too much time trying to make vegetables taste like meat. You made your choice, now live with it hippie!
If we are what we eat, I’m fast, cheap and easy
is If you're paddling upstream in a canoe and a wheel falls off, how many pancakes fit in a doghouse? None! Ice cream doesn't have bones!!!
has met this guy who said he loved children, then I found out he was on parole for it.
used to have super powers but the psychiatrist took them all away.
says Never Ever Ever Play leap Frog with A Unicorn
wishes he could throw magic dust on my problems to make them disappear. Like a wizard. Or a crack addict.

Status Updates 5/30/11

2011-05-30T06:43:00.000-07:00

is legally dead for tax purposes.
Dear Google, They are only using you to get to me! Sincerely, Wikipedia.
The new gas process. Step 1 enter credit card. Step 2 enter annual salary. Processing... Loan approved, you may now fill your gas tank. Have a nice day.
Can you imagine how fast those clowns who make balloon animals can roll a joint.
I'm a little disappointed.. I set three boobytraps last night and didn't catch any!
No one knows the true meaning of desperation until you run over a banana peel in Mario Kart.
I love Hitchhiker's, they always give Me a Thumbs up Every time I pass by them
I can't stand it when people won't speak a little louder when I'm trying to eavesdrop on them. You people are selfish.
What is the appropriate gift to give your woman on your 5th year anniversary..... of the restraining order?
never get into a fist fight with an ugly person, they have nothing to lose
All them damn rich people carry around small dogs... When I am rich I'm gonna carry a midget!!!
is "Why did you just take my Napkin? I wasn't done with MY napkin..I had a special bond with that napkin... Don't give me a new napkin!..I don't know this NAPKIN! This Napkins a damn stranger!
My new favorite thing to do is slip a kid $20 while his parents aren't looking and quietly whisper: "This is from your real father."
was completely offended, but then you said "no offense," so now everything's cool.
When I push the soap dispenser and it's empty I usually pretend it wasn't and wash my hands with the ghost soap that came out.

Status Updates 5/27/11

2011-05-27T04:11:00.000-07:00

Return policy: “If for any reason you are not satisfied…” Ok, I’m not satisfied because dwarfs and rockets.
is bringing sexy back… to the store for a refund!
wonders if dyslexic devil worshipers sell their soul to Santa”
wishes the voices in his head would quit singing off-key”
Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
My granddad has the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from the zoo.
I wouldn't say you're stupid. You are, but I wouldn't say it.
Words can only hurt you if you try to read them. Don't play their game.
These things happen, ya know. You go for a walk in the park one day and wheel-chair ninja's and nazi's and pot's and pans robots show up to kill ya, and dinosaurs show up ta eat the remains. You've seen the news.
Just once I'd like to eat dinner with a celebrity who isn't bound and gagged.
is Been a week since I broke up with my girlfriend.. I need a new sandwich maker already or I'm going to starve to death.
If you're not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?
says Friends are like potatoes, if you eat them, they will die.

Status Updates 5/25/11

2011-05-25T11:54:00.000-07:00

I really like it when women check me out, they seem to be able to work the register a lot better than men.
It’s 2011 and we’re not driving dragons? The future sickens me.
I let my wife call the shots on dumb s*** like money & our daughter, but when it comes to pizza toppings I'm "El Presidente."
IMPORTANT!!! IMPORTANT!!! IMPORTANT!!! MINI WHEATS ARE DELICIOUS!!!
is bumping uglies with your woman
Some people say "If you can't beat them, join them". I say "If you can't beat them, beat them", because they will be expecting you to join them, so you will have the element of surprise.
I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face." I said, "You'll be sorry." He said, "Oh, yeah? Why?" I said, "Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well."
Does this rag smell like chloroform to you?
is OMG! Only 151 more shopping days until New Rapture
Gently placing your finger on someone's lips and saying "Shh, not another word" is super romantic... but cops don't seem to think so.
When someone says “let’s go get a cold one,” I always drive to the zoo because I know that’s code for “steal a penguin.”
is Today I seen a hitchiker giving me a thumbs up.....I guess he like my Facebook status??
Today is only my second day as a stay-at-home dad but I'm already confused. Do I get the fake tan or boobs first? And what's a zumba class?
I keep forgetting the rules. When Jesus doesn’t show up, is that 6 more weeks of winter?
picked the wrong week to quit sniffing glue!

Status Update 5/23/11

2011-05-23T03:33:00.000-07:00

is Watchin the Music Awards... Boy, that Beiber chick is guna be one hot lesbian when she grows up!
Justin Beiber really seems like a well grounded, level-headed...young lady.
is Buying a ugly fat chick a purity ring is like putting a fence around a dog with no legs
Sometimes your princess in a crown and evening gown is just a retard in a helmet and a Snuggie.
is thinking that Harold Camping's mathematical equation involved a Magic 8-ball.
Some idiots actually sold their homes and properties thinking the world was really going to end! What losers. I hope my boss gives me my job back on Monday.
says We should have a way of telling people their breath stinks without hurting their feelings like, for example: "I'm bored, lets go brush your teeth!"
is just watched a commercial asking if I suffer from schizophrenia. I think i'm okay, but will run it past the other voices...
Need a new hobby. Think I'm gonna learn photosynthesis.
Like all great artists, Tony Danza never actually came out and said who the boss was. They left it to the viewer to decide.
says You know the world is messed up when the worlds best rapper is white, the best golfer is black, the tallest man in the NBA is asian and the girl with the highest voice is Justin Biber.
If you define cowardice as running away at the first sign of danger, screaming and tripping and begging for mercy, then yes, Mr. Brave Man, I guess I am a coward.
Instead of calling in sick, call in well. Tell them how great you feel not having to go to work today.
is Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, you have boobs. It's really that simple.
Roses are red, violets are blue... I have a gun so get in the van.
Tom's may provide shoes for poor kids in Africa but I provide jobs for kids in China by purchasing Nikes. I'm truly the better person.

2011-05-21T20:37:00.001-07:00

INSTALLING RAPTURE.
███████████████░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░ 44% DONE.
Install delayed....please wait.
Installation failed. Please try again. 404 error: Rapture not found.
EVENT "Rapture" cannot be located. The rapture you are looking for might have been removed, had its name changed, or is temporarily unavailable. Please try again later.

Status Updates 5/20/11

2011-05-20T13:31:00.000-07:00

Women can be funny sometimes... like when they say stuff like "Let's just be friends" or "Let me go and I won't tell the cops"
I commit crimes to keep the cops earning a living...
Relationships are like fat people most of them dont work out
Rapture Prank: Put small piles of clothes around local churches the morning of 5/22 & record reactions : )
Zombie squirrels will feast on your nuts.
I saw a license plate yesterday that said "I miss New York", so I smashed their window and snatched their laptop.
I was going to collect homeless people, but they lose a lot of their value as soon as you take them out of their cardboard boxes.....
is going to make sure he is wearing clean underwear for the rapture.
Rapture "I'm going out the way I came in, without pants.
rapture tip : It is perfectly acceptable to scream like a little girl when approached by a gang of zombies. It isn’t helpful, but it is acceptable.
If the rapture is Saturday...I hope the Lord knows that I was listening to the preacher while colorin'
hey if tomorrow is the rapture could one of you atheists stop by and feed my dog? Feel free to help yourself to my prescription pills and booze
is hoping his wife is taken during the rapture.
Good News!! Rapture cancelled by Chuck Norris. Enjoy the Weekend!!
Does anyone else have a feeling that Pakistan knows where the Hamburglar is?
Just told AT&T that I'd make a payment on my cell phone Sunday, so I'm really banking on this rapture sh*t
Dear God, If the world is going to end on Saturday, please accept my request for forgiveness for what I am about to do on Friday. Sincerely, Your Number One Fan
The cops came at my house last night and told me my dogs had been chasing someone on a scooter. I told them off. My dogs don't even have a scooter..
says Mother Nature can be cruel sometimes. If I ever meet her I'm gonna snatch her purse. Old B*tch

Status Updates 5/18/11

2011-05-18T18:05:00.000-07:00

I used to be a lifeguard, but some blue kid got me fired.
I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it. So I said "Implants?
You're just jealous because the voices are talking to me and not you!
I have an amazing ability! I find objects just before people lose them. The police, however, call it theft.
im gonna microwave a spider and let it bite me, superpowers here i come
I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent and now he'll never have any friends
I have an oven with a ‘stop time’ button. It’s probably meant to be ‘stop timer’ but I don’t touch it, just in case.
s proud of herself. She finished a jigsaw puzzle in 6 months and the box said 2-4 years.
Sometimes? Late at night? I rearrange traffic signs. People need to be challenged.
I just read a list of ‘the 100 things to do before you die’. I’m pretty surprised ‘yell for help’ wasn’t one of them…
Don't steal. The government hates competition.
Thor" is the #1 movie -- proving there's nothing Americans love watching more than an immigrant who's good with a hammer.
I read somewhere that we only use 10% of our brains. I wonder what the other half is for?
When's it gonna be the 4th of July? I feel like blowin somethin' up and not gettin' arrested.
Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us kids died of tuberculosis.
is it considered addiction if you need a cup of coffee to fall asleep?
I just winked at myself in my side view mirror...I must have my game on!?
Remember that when things look their worst, god never closes a door, without first farting in the room he just locked you in.

Status Updates 5/16/11

2011-05-16T09:04:00.000-07:00

I don't know why I keep making mistakes if you guys aren't willing to learn from them.
If at first I don't succeed, I like to destroy all evidence that I tried
wouldn’t be caught dead with a necrophiliac
Osama Bin Laden – World Champion of Hide and Seek since 2001
So, is it too soon to ask Whoopie Goldberg if she’s heard from Patrick Swayze yet?
I am going to write a book about A.D.D., because I love fishing…
I think animal testing is a terrible idea; what if they get all nervous and give the wrong answers?
Cigarettes are just like hamsters - perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and set it on fire.
After ten pints of beer, my wife becomes very attractive. I have to tell her that, she’s a violent drunk
Don't take candy from strangers unless they offer you a ride.
I feel so miserable without you, it's almost like having you here.
I love you! I love you very much! your the best reflection ever!!
No I didnt trip The floor looked like it needed a hug.
If you listen closely you can hear the gas pump tell your kid's college fund to go fuck itself.
If a Police Officer says, Anything you say will be taken down & used as evidence... Your answer should always be, Please don't hit me again officer...
If I found out I only had a week to live, and could go anywhere in the world, I think I'd go to the hospital because that sounds serious.
is “beating cancer, and by cancer I means children.
wants a meaningful overnight relationship.
If a stranger offers you a piece of candy, take two
High on life- and glue!
Restraining orders are just another way of saying I love you.

Top 5 AWESOME of the week!!! 05/15/2011

2011-05-14T22:11:00.000-07:00

They call me superficial, but I just hear “super”.
is wondering do Smurfs walk around with blue balls all day??
I molested myself last night, I said no, but I knew I wanted it.
REALLY don't know what this flys problem is outside smackin up against my window..but I'm sorry...I won't let him in, I don't trust strangers...
The best thing about this weather is the short skirts & low cut tops......... Even if they do make me look gay

Status Updates 5/13/11

2011-05-13T14:22:00.000-07:00

Survival rule #1: You go first.
Next time I'm on an elevator with four or more strangers, I'm going to turn around and say, "I'm sure you're wondering why I've gathered you all here.
is walking through the intensive care unit dressed as the grim reaper
I love my penis, it always sticks up for me
is wondering why Facebook bothers to give the option of “liking” my own comment? Of course I like my own comments. I’m awesome
If somebody offers you a lifetime supply of candy and there is just one piece, don’t eat it: It’s probably poison.
Anyone can quit smoking, it takes a real man to fight cancer
I cry during sex.... fucking Mace
Suicide is man's way of telling God, "You can't fire me - I quit."
TORNADO RIPS THROUGH CEMETARY, HUNDREDS DEAD
thinks reality is a crutch for people who can’t handle drugs.
would quit smoking but it’s better that I smoke this and let the dreams of the cigarette workers come true then to be selfish & worry about my lungs
I'm 100% against animal cruelty. Nothing makes me sadder than when my dog makes fun of me.
is going to the dark side...they have candy

Status Updates 5/11/11

2011-05-11T01:19:00.000-07:00

is normally not a praying man, but if you're up there, please save me Superman.
This vodka diet is freaking awesome, I've already lost 3 days.
Sorry, Mr. Homeless Guy, here's the story. I'm in college. I work part time and I can only support one of our alcohol problems.
“I am so clever that sometimes I don't understand a single word of what I am saying.”
When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep -- not screaming, like the passengers in his car.
I like work. It fascinates me. I sit and look at it for hours.
says I hate Walmart. The men's bathroom doesn't have any urninals! Just a bunch of women screaming telling me to get out
Because of cell phones, kids today will never know what it's like to choke their friends with a phone cord.
Just found out that being a "person of interest" is not as cool as it sounds.
says I love in horror movies how the person yells out "hello?!" as if the killer is gonna say "yeah I'm in the kitchen, want a sandwich?"
I’m not only a workaholic, I drink at home too
Beer – the reason I wake up every afternoon.
My imaginary friend thinks you have some serious problems.
I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
I like failure because it’s so easy to achieve!