Facedown in the Gutters

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Steve Gerber's dead.

noreply@blogger.com (Jon) — Tue, 12 Feb 2008 05:09:00 +0000

Anybody who puts a duck on the Defenders is okay by me.

Pour a forty out for your homie, boys.

FAWCAHN PAAUNCH

noreply@blogger.com (Jon) — Thu, 31 Jan 2008 18:18:00 +0000

Things I Drew at Work

noreply@blogger.com (Jon) — Mon, 28 Jan 2008 22:14:00 +0000

Well, more specifically, Things I Drew On the Metro and Also at Starbucks During My Lunch Break Because I'm Not So Terrible an Employee as to Shamelessly Waste Time on my Shift.
Longtime readers will recall that, awhile gone now, I had a webcomic. Yeah, even though I compared webcomics to making your own hourlong rape dramas after watching too much SVU back on the rapidly-becoming-even-more-defunct podcast. Never said I wasn't a hypocrite, people.

Anyway, I got bored and redesigned a character by giving him the basic anatomy of a grizzly bear and also an arsenal so absurd a mid-nineties WildCAT would look upon it and blush. He's themed after, of all things, the A-10 Thunderbolt II - let's keep in mind I initially designed him when I was about nine in the midst of the original flavor Gulf War, here - and that's why he's got stubby little retard wings and a gigantic minigun strapped to his back. I have no idea. Lightning bug themed villain, or something. I was bored and I like drawing lightbulbs, apparently. I dig her robo-crocs, though, and I don't think I've ever drawn Kirby Krackle before. Also, pigtails as antennae strike me as adorable, though I'm probably in some kind've crazy person minority, there.

Oh my God, he realized it wasn't Halloween no more.

noreply@blogger.com (Jon) — Tue, 22 Jan 2008 05:27:00 +0000

This place was in dire, dire need of a new banner, as it stopped being Halloween damned near three months ago.

Since I don't want to leave you wholly content-less, here's a picture of Yellowjacket punching a Son of the Serpent square in the balls. The original narration claimed he was aiming for the guy's solar plexus, but unless costumed bigots have hilariously weird anatomy, I don't think that's located on top of his taint.(PS: I wrote a long, probably boring bit on the Sons of the Serpent earlier today but haven't scanned any images for it yet. Expect it to appear from the aether at some point when you least expect it. Like freaking ever, given how often I post lately.)

Posts I Almost Wrote

noreply@blogger.com (Jon) — Sun, 09 Dec 2007 00:25:00 +0000

You, the loyal lapdogs of the internet, forever checking blogs in the vain hope that some new free content might materialize on this, your fortieth refresh, may have noticed I haven't updated in something like six weeks. There's a fairly simple explanation for this - I'm a sucker and I got one of those "day jobs" everyone's been clamoring on about, so my formerly epic amount of free time has been replaced by endless Metro commutes and hours of selling toys to shameless consumers.

That said, while I haven't actually written anything in over a month, I've almost written a few things. They lay half-constructed in my head, shoddily sort-of-written silently to myself over the course of my long walk workward, uphill in the snow both ways, the way granddad liked it.

These are those things.

Comic Characters as Professional Wrestlers: Vaguely sketched out one Wednesday in a conversation with Devon. Gist was basically the above - if a wrestler was a superhero, which one would he be? I think we got as far as "Batman = Triple H," and "Orpheus = Shelton Benjamin," based on the former's utter dominance over everyone and everything in his particular environs and the latter's couple of quick victories over the former and his eventual burial. A literal burial for one and a trip to ECW for the other, but you get the idea. Could be a fun one to actually bang out sometime.

Countdown is Full of Promise, Even After What Appears to be Six Months of Setup: Just kidding, it's totally a giant pile of boring held together with very dull staples.

How Could They Do That To The Trickster?: Probably meant ironically. By the way, if you're going to go to the trouble of rigging up crazy electric handcuffs that monitor lifesigns and blow up twenty-four hours after half their contents dies, why not, I don't know, rig them to explode if they go more than fifty yards from a guard? Or build a remote detonator? Or employ the world's greatest shot to track down two idiots attached to each other and hated by the entire superheroic community, assuming that they'd be riddled with bullets in under four or so months?

How the Hell Did Those Pirates Get to Neverland in the First Place?: Seriously, I can assume that the mermaids, pixies and even indians were indigenous, but did the pirates, like, sail there?

Jim Shooter - Underappreciated Marvel Editor-in-Chief: Some great stuff came out under his watch, and it'd be fun to compare and contrast the current regime with his.

Entire Pages of That Supergirl Showcase: Oh my God, these old stories are so wacky.

What's the Deal with Airline Peanuts?: Who're they trying to keep outta these things?

A Guest Post by Forager of the New Gods: In the vein of those Martian Manhunter blogs I used to write. I think I had, like, a joke and a half in mind, but he was going to hate on Orion for being a bigot, wonder why Superman didn't ask what happens to the universe WHEN A GOD DIES? when he died way back in Cosmic Odyssey, and ironically question the fashion sense of the new Forager even though he had a lumpy bucket for a head.

Scans of Dudes, like, Totally Kicking Zombie Ninja Bears in their Faces or Something: Labeled something like "I HOPE YOU HAD YOUR FACES SET TO 'GET ROCKED OFF,' BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT THAT PICTURE WAS GOING TO DO ANYWAY."

DC Top Ten, Grand Finale:

noreply@blogger.com (Jon) — Mon, 15 Oct 2007 18:58:00 +0000

Winning handily (he apparently had ample time to plan ahead), it's Batman with 207 points. Batman seriously almost doubled up on every other competitor, and that's very nearly terrifying.

Marvel Top Ten, Thrilling Conclusion:

noreply@blogger.com (Jon) — Mon, 15 Oct 2007 18:53:00 +0000

Topping the list with 128 points, it's the always-relatable everyman who invented a web polymer he later coincidentally started excreting (after marrying a fashion model/soap opera actress, a relationship he'll probably have to magically trade for the life of his billion-year-old aunt, who has died at least once - wait, no, that was an actress an industrialist hired solely to screw with him, sorry), the amazing Spider-Man.

DC Top Ten, Number Two:

noreply@blogger.com (Jon) — Mon, 15 Oct 2007 18:47:00 +0000

With 124 points, always the bridesmaid, it's Tim Drake.

Marvel Top Ten, Number Two:

noreply@blogger.com (Jon) — Wed, 10 Oct 2007 17:32:00 +0000

With 118 points, it's the insensate star-spangled Avenger, the no-longer-living legend of World War 2 and your second-favorite character in the Marvel universe, Captain America.

Top Ten, Also Receiving Votes...

noreply@blogger.com (Jon) — Tue, 09 Oct 2007 17:22:00 +0000

Before we get into the top two for each universe, a quick rundown of characters that almost made the cut:

Iron Man. Hah hah, just kidding - Iron Man received exactly zero points; in fact, more people voted for the Scarlet Spider (18 total points) than Tony Stark. Which makes me wonder how the Hell Marvel's going to get themselves out of this pickle jar, especially with a movie on the horizon. Memory erasing machine? Done that. Younger version of the character pulled from the time stream? Yeah, that too. Different guy in the armor? Also done. It was an alien pretending to be Tony for the last four years? Stop the presses!

Hawkeye. Hawkeye pulled 61 points, tying him with the Jamie Reyes iteration of the Blue Beetle. 61 points was enough to put both characters in about fourteenth overall on their respective lists. Green Arrow had one second-place vote and was beaten badly by his slampiece, Black Canary, who ~~fish~~netted 64. So she totally settled.

Ted Kord. 47 points, handily beaten by his replacement.

Vibe. One number one vote. Zero votes in any other position. Guess who put him in first.

Guy Gardner. 49 points, making him the top Green Lantern vote-getter, above Alan Scott's 44 and John Stewart's 22. Stewart actually finished behind Red Tornado, bafflingly. Hal Jordan pulled a Tony Starkian zero and Kyle Rayner had something like twelve points, if you're curious. I think there were a couple Kilowog votes, too. Shocking lack of G'nort, all things considered.

J Jonah Jameson. Came in eleventh on the Marvel side with 68 points.

Luke Cage. 64 points, beating current critical darling and former partner Iron Fist by a solid 24.

The Legion. If you voted for one Legionnaire, you tended to vote for, like, six, splitting their votes like a Bull Moose presidential bid.

Wildcat. At 51 points, he beat Wonder Woman by one. Which I think is awesome.

DC Top Ten, Number Three:

noreply@blogger.com (Jon) — Tue, 09 Oct 2007 17:14:00 +0000

Rolling into third place with 119 points, it's Oracle.

Marvel Top Ten, Number Three:

noreply@blogger.com (Jon) — Thu, 04 Oct 2007 18:57:00 +0000

With 110 points, it's the one-who-knows, the son of Kismet, the spacefaring Starhawk!

Hah hah, just kidding, it's the Thing.

DC Top Ten, Number Four:

noreply@blogger.com (Jon) — Thu, 04 Oct 2007 18:53:00 +0000

With 114 points, a man of steel so given to appearing on absurd covers I'm pretty sure what I've done here barely qualifies as a joke and your number four favorite character in the DCU, Superman.