What I need to realize is that happiness is a life long process.  I must continue to take care of myself first if I am going to be able to care for others.  I must treat myself in a way that I want to be treated by others.  I have to put my needs first.

What are my needs?  It is important for me to understand what I need to feel happy and fulfilled.

Tough and Tender Loving Care Needs

 Nurturance

1. Being loved unconditionally
• I need and I claim relationships with people who love me unconditionally despite my shortcomings.
2. Getting hugs and physical affection
3. Being supported when I’m failing or feeling vulnerable
4. Receiving acts of care taking and service
5. Being forgiven
6. Being treated as if my wants and needs are very important.

 Guidance & Envisioning

1.  Getting a commitment for a shared future
• I need and I claim a relationship that is founded upon a commitment for a shared future together.
2. Being praised and rewarded for accomplishments
3. Getting symbolic and thoughtful gifts

 Limit Setting

1.  Being told to “suck it up” when I have to do something difficult or scary
2. Being confronted when I’m out of line
•  I need and I claim my being confronted when my behaviour or words are inappropriate
3. Receiving reasonable consequences for abusive or destructive behavior

 Functional Needs

1.  Kept agreements
• I need and I claim a relationship that is built upon a continuous effort to keep agreements
2. Financial responsibility
3. Neatness/cleanliness
4. Activities initiated
5. Handy around house
6. Good grooming/dressing

 Emotional Needs

1.  Affection
2. Surprises
3. Consideration
4.  Thoughtfulness
• I need and I claim a partner that is thoughtful of my needs and emotions
5. Commitment
6. Trust
7. Loyalty
8. Appreciation

How can you get your wife back now before it is too late? Most people who have been close to leaving a marriage know that the longer you wait, the more you risk not being able to turn back time and rediscover the reasons why you got married in the first place. The more time that goes by after a split, the more room there is for another person to become involved. Your wife may be feeling lonely and unloved and there is always someone waiting in the wings to help her recover her groove.

Marriages break down for all sorts of reasons but the main one is a lack of communication. Life can just sometimes get in the way. There may not have been an affair or other serious issue. You may just have simply drifted apart. Perhaps you thought your wife and your relationship would always be there. There is a big gap between you and somehow you have got to close the gap and become connected again.

It is easy to take your significant other for granted without meaning too. We often spend more time worrying about our friends or our kids while believing that our other half is fine. By the time you factor in the time spent on your job and your kids, it leaves very little for your Mrs. This can lead to your wife feeling you no longer love her or have time for her.

Love is like a plant. It takes care and nurturing to blossom. Without sunshine (attention), it withers and dies. However just like a plant, love can be revived if your willing too put out the effort.

Try talking to your wife and find out why she left. Is there something in particular that she is unhappy with? Perhaps she believes you are involved with someone else. If you are not, convince her of your innocence. If you are, you need to make a decision as to which person you want to be with. You cannot have two significant others in your life and expect life to go on as before.

Remind your wife of the good times you shared and all the reasons why you fell in love with her. Flatter her but be sincere and truthful, remember she knows you perhaps better than you know yourself. Don’t get angry or try laying blame at her door. Never threaten her, your kids or imply that you will harm yourself. You will only frighten her or else she will pity you. Neither emotion is the one you are looking for. Start with connecting as friends. She will feel safe that way and be able to talk to you much easier.

Admit that although you both have made mistakes, now is the time to move on and work things out. Perhaps you won’t be able to get your wife back but at least you will have tried everything.

Don’t be too heavy or too desperate. You want her to find you attractive again and nobody likes a desperate man. Be strong and confident. Show her exactly what you want while at the same time convincing her that you are prepared to do what she wants or at least meet her more than half way.

Go get your wife back now and hopefully you will get to celebrate your golden years together yet.

“Approach love and cooking with reckless abandon” – Unknown

I seem to have conquered only one of these so far.  I am very passionate about all things food.  I love reading and trying out new recipes.   I take great pleasure shopping at fancy grocery stores and experimenting with new ingredients.  Today it crossed my mind;

• Why can’t I let myself love recklessly?
• Why am I so guarded in love?
• What am I afraid of?
• What do I really stand to lose?

With the first quarter of the year pretty much behind us I have taken some time to reflect on my goals for 2012 and my progress towards achieving them.

My primary goal was to “Be consistent, pick my path and then continue down that path.” 
How did I plan to do this?  I started by making a list of things that I could do to boost my self-confidence. 
They included:

1. Always do my hair and makeup – do this for myself, not for someone else.  If I like how I look I will feel better about myself.
2. Dress nicely – this doesn’t mean that I have to dress up everyday.  I just take care in my appearance and wear clothing that accentuates my positive attributes.
3. Get to know myslef – this has been a very rewarding exercise.  I record my thoughts, negative and positive as well as my daily affirmations.   
4. Be kind and generous – working towards always treating others as I would like to be treated
5. Set small goals and celebrate my achievements – still struggling with this.  I think I set my goals too large.
6. Focus on solutions instead of problems
7. Be grateful
8. Exercise
9. Accept compliments gracefully

I am feeling reasonably happy with my progress on these items.  What I had failed to consider was my need to overcome my fear of loving.  I cannot continue down my chosen path if I allow my fears to control my life.  I must speak my truth and show my love unconditionally to allow myself to be open to receiving the love I need and desire so very much.

No relationship is perfect, but it is possible to make your marriage more enjoyable for each of you. After all, your relationship psychology is all about finding ways to maintain a balance that stops your spouse from becoming disappointed and disillusioned with the marriage. If you’ve already separated from your spouse, then using similar relationship psychology principles can also help you to begin rebuilding your relationship .

Your relationship psychology is about teaching each person inside the relationship how to recognize destructive or unhelpful patterns that could potentially be driving your partner farther and farther away. One major way to help turn things around is to realize that each of you feels and experiences love differently. The unfortunate part about most couples is that they often believe the other person will think the same way as they do. In truth, men and women have very different ways of communicating those things they need or want. In the beginning of your relationship, you met these needs without even realizing it. That is what made you so great together. Over time, life gets in the way and you stop fulfilling each other’s needs.

Women need to remember that men place more value on actions rather than words. This means a woman who constantly tries to get her spouse to address problems in the relationship by talking about the issues or arguing about bad behavior is almost certain to see an increase in those negative patterns. Men don’t want all that conversation and focus on the problems in the marriage.

Instead of talking or arguing your way through an issue, try using a more psychological approach. Men respond more positively to your actions. They want to know that they are capable of making you happy. A man who is constantly faced with an upset spouse will begin to think there’s nothing he can do to make you happy, so he’ll withdraw even further from you, even to the point of breaking up.

However, if he’s faced with a happy, confident wife who is a pleasure to spend time with, he’s less likely to withdraw. In fact, he’ll likely draw even closer because he enjoys being around you. Men in this situation will often find themselves doing whatever they can to make sure you stay as happy as you were on those occasions. If you find it difficult to raise your self-confidence, then try giving yourself a mini-make over or spend some time doing something you enjoy. When you feel good within yourself, you’re more likely to radiate that confidence outwardly as well.

Men need to remember that women value slightly different emotional triggers than they do. Women want to know that the man they love places enough value on her to really listen to what she’s saying. If you feel your wife is pulling away from you, then sit down and just listen. Give her your full attention. That is all she really wants and needs is to share her day with you and know that you care. It is one of the most validating things you can do for a woman and for your relationship.

Ask questions about what your partner has just said and then take notice of her responses. If men can learn to listen attentively without allowing their mind to wander off, their wife will begin to feel more loved and cherishes, which leads them in turn to develop a great mood, which makes them happy and enjoyable to send time with. They will feel closer to you and open up physically.

These primary differences in your relationship psychology between men and women are simple things you can do to help strengthen your existing relationship, but they’ll also work equally well if you’re trying to improve your marriage.

Feel like you’ve exhausted every option you could think up on your own and you just want to storm into some marriage counselors’ office and shout, “Help me save my marriage? Please!” Except for the shouting part, you’re actually on the right track looking for advice from some place other than your own head.

Marriage Trouble Help Can Be Found With The Following Save My Marriage Sources.

Married Friends that have a lasting marriage and made it through their marriage trouble!

If you have any friends who’ve managed to dodge an impending divorce bullet, ask them how they did it. Don’t just think about friends your age, either. Older couples can be a goldmine of advice on working through marriage trouble. They are great sources of how they got through the bumps in a marriage and came out happier and closer than when they first started out. They will also be able to be a great source of comfort and wisdom having been down the marriage trouble path before.

Even if they seem to have a perfect relationship now, you might be surprised to hear what they’ve gone through. Of course, the problem with asking friends for advice is their experience is limited to what worked for them. What worked for them won’t necessarily work for you, though but can definitely give you hope for a better marriage and knowing that it can be accomplished if you stay the course to fixing your marriage.

Online forums and marriage trouble articles!

The Internet is great place to find information on just about everything and marriage is no exception. The advantage of getting advice from forums is that you can ask questions anonymously and get opinions from a variety of people who’ll most likely have very different view points from you. The drawback is that you won’t get a truly useful response from one “help me save my marriage” post. The lack of real-time interaction means you don’t get the back-and-forth dialogue you’d need to really get to the root of your problems and find a workable solution.

Marriage Counseling!

It’s one of the first thing well meaning friends ask when you admit your marriage is on the rocks: “Have you thought of marriage counseling?” There’s good reason for that. A professional marriage counselor has training in resolving marital conflicts and many years of experience working with different types of couples and problems. Marriage Counseling helps to get the root cause of the issues and provide the tools and skills that will change the couple’s relationship when put in place.

Sometimes one spouse doesn’t want to go. Usually, that partner believes the marriage has already at a point of no return and any attempt to revive it is a waste of time and energy. If you’re partner feels that way, don’t give up just yet. While you want to avoid pressuring or begging, simple logic can work wonders. You start going and seeing what you can do to change things. It just takes one spouse in a marriage to change to turn a marriage around and change the marriage troubles into solutions.

Marriage Counseling can help, of course, but it’s not a cure-all. Did you know the average marriage counselors’ success rate is only around 30%? That’s hardly enough to make it worth shouting “Help me save my marriage!” at the counselor.

Self-help books on Marriage!

If you’ve been looking online for tips, you’ve probably run into a few of those ebooks that provide guidance for working through a rough patch in a marriage even when one partner is ready to call it quits. They may not seem like much, but in reality, the best of these can be surprisingly effective.

Most of these plans were developed by highly experienced marriage counselors who found a “formula” for what works, so they usually have a success rate higher than that of most marriage counselors.

Whatever you do, don’t delude yourself into thinking the problems between you and your spouse will disappear on their own. It’s not enough to sit and wonder “Who can help me save my marriage?” You need to decide where you’re going to go for sound advice and act on that advice as soon as possible. The longer you put it off, the harder your marriage problems will be to solve.

A couple weeks ago my assignment was to think of 30 ways that my partner could love me.  This seems like a simple task right?  Well, I guess sometimes I have the habit of perceiving things to be more difficult than they actually are.  Debbie and I worked on this assignment together to get it completed and guess what, I found it to be incredibly enlightening!

We discovered that I feel love the most when people do thoughtful and nice things for me.  Love for me isn’t receiving a really expensive gift, instead it is the kind and generous acts completed by those around me.  In many of my personal relationships I have felt disappointed and unloved at times.  I love my friends deeply and with sincere commitment. I show my love by completing small acts of kindness that may make their day a little bit easier, more fun, less lonely…

What I never realized was that not everyone shows their love towards others the same way nor do they necessarily feel love the same way that I do.  Establishing a satisfying relationship requires us to determine how we feel love and what the people we love need to feel our love for them.

Every day is a little brighter than the day before.

Things are looking up.  The past few days I have felt moments of happiness and content.  The only problem is for some reason there is still a little voice in the back of my mind that keeps reminding me that I have been here before and that it is only a matter of time before things take a turn for the worse again.  I want to tell that little voice to take a hike!  I believe that everyone wants to be happy, but many of us have lost our way in the pursuit of  happiness.  I made a list of things that I can do for my own self-confidence which in turn will bring happiness to my life.

Here it is:

1. Always do my hair & makeup – if I feel pretty others will think I am too
2. Dress nicely – this doesn’t mean that I have to dress up fancy, just be tidy and dressed appropriate to the situation
3. Get to know myself – listen to my thoughts, analyze my negative thoughts – are they really true?, write about the good things in my life
4. Be kind and generous – treat others as I would like to be treated regardless of how they are treating me
5. Set small goals and achieve them – celebrate my achievements
6. Focus on solutions instead of problems
7. Exercise
8. Accept compliments gracefully

 It is going to take time to develop the habits necessary to live in accordance with this list but if I work at it one day at a time things can only continue
to improve.

 ”All the happiness you ever find lies in you.” Anonymous

The other night I went to see the movie War Horse. I love horses and was really looking forward to watching this touching story about a boy and his horse.　 What I didn’t expect was the impact that the war scenes would have on me.　 While I certainly not an expert on the facts surrounding WWI, I was touched by the realization of the universal suffering that was encountered by all who experienced this War.

I am so very grateful to live every day with the freedom to make my own choices, to not worry about hunger, warmth or my own personal safety.　 Some days it seems like the world is against me, on these days it is important to reflect on how truly blessed I am to live in a time and place that is only possible as a result of the sacrifices that were made by so many before us.

When life is getting you down take time to think of something that you are so thankful to have in your life!　 I am certain that it will make you smile, if only for a moment.

Last night’s session touched on some very difficult topics for me.  5 ½ years ago I terminated an unplanned pregnancy.  My partner and I were not married and although we had regularly discussed marriage and he totally adores children my fears overwhelmed me and I decided not to go through with it.  He said that he would support me no matter what decision I made.  We went through with the procedure and it was never really talked about again.  Every year around the time that I would have been due I think about how old my baby would have been.  Every time a friend is pregnant or someone asks me when I am going to have children I think about it.  It is always there haunting me.  In recent months my partner has indicated that he thinks of it often as well and has also indicated that he is sorry for the decision we made.

Last night we tried to identify some of my fears that lead to my decision.

• I was afraid of what my mom would think, having a child before getting married.
• I was afraid that I would be a terrible mom.
• I was afraid that at some point in the future I would be faced with the situation of being a single mom just like my mom had when I was in my early teens.

Growing up I had two parents that I loved very much and they loved me but when I was twelve years old their relationship started to fall apart and at fourteen my dad left.  My parents did not split amicably and my mom has struggled ever since to recover emotionally.  I feel that I took on the role of caring for my mom in many ways as she cried often and seemed too weak to stand up to my father’s antics.  In turn this had a negative impact on my high school years and my own person reflections on relationships with men and my ability to trust someone to love me.  I was very fortunate to have been surrounded by very good friends.

This thought often crosses my mind, “No one is ever going to love me forever, no one ever has up to this point and therefore no one ever will”.

I know that I can’t change the past and I must find a way to forgive myself if I want to grow into the beautiful person I was meant to be.

You can clutch the past so tightly to your chest that it leaves your arms too full to embrace the present. ~Jan Glidewell

At the start of every year many of us make resolutions, they might be to lose weight, eat healthier, get a better job… This year I have resolved to take better care of myself mentally.  I have vowed to do whatever it takes to learn to love the person I am.  I am going to develop habits that will help me wipe out the negative thoughts that take control of me sometimes.  For too many years now I have thought that I wasn’t worthy of love, that I wasn’t smart enough, pretty enough, athletic enough.  This isn’t true.  I am enough and more.  I have so much to offer.

About a month ago I read somewhere the following statement – “We can’t change our partner, we can’t undo the past, and we can’t make someone love us.  What we can do is be the very best person we can be.” This hit home for me, the only thing that I have the absolute power to do is help myself overcome my fears and learn to love and trust myself.  I can’t erase the mistakes that I have made, and believe me there have been many, and I can’t take back the mean things I have said.  I can move forward from this day on and be the person that I would love to spend time with.

Be consistent, pick your path and then continue down that path… that is what 2012 is about for me!

Don’t allow yourself to get weighed down by those heavy chains that you have forged together from the past. They don’t allow you to love freely, openly, and completely. Everyday we struggle with chains of fear, stress, anger and guilt. Yes, we must be willing to fight and die to maintain and defend our freedom but we also must be willing to fight and live to defend and maintain our true freedom – loving each other with all that we are. We must fight everyday for our mental, physical and spiritual freedom. As we do, a circle of true freedom spreads out from us like ripples in a pond and helps those around us to see and experience freedom as well. This is the fight for true freedom and this fight is ours alone. It can’t be delegated to others.

When you use some combinations of Willingness, Love, Forgiveness, Service, Gratitude and Action in your relationship you will experience a sense of peace, joy and happiness that grows and sets you free. You will find that once you live in this way- you set others free too. Don’t live one more day weighted down with guilt, blame, anger, hurt, fear, and stress in your relationship. You don’t need any on these to love each other.  Start right now to love with just one – willingness, forgiveness, service, gratitude, and action – for the next week and see how differently things happen at home. Leave all the “chains” that hold you back with me. You don’t need them anymore- I promise.

Positive Thought for the Week…

This is True Freedom

I fight for my true freedom, everyday. I fight for my freedom from stress, anxiety, fear and anger and to that end;

I am free to set my mind and heart in the right direction everyday.

I am free to see the needs of others and to pro-actively be of service.

I am free to accept myself just as I am.

I am free to let go of my expectations of other people, places and situations.

I am free to love and forgive.

I am free to accept love and forgiveness.

I am free to be grateful for all things, at all times.

I am free to enjoy the peace of a day well spent.

I am free to fight another day.

I am free.

Business Thought for the Week…

Building Trust Every Day

Motivation is built on trust. Trust is built on a combination of managerial transparency, open two-way communication, clear attainable goals, praise and reasonable compensation. I am attentive to all of these because I know that companies can only move at a speed that is equivalent to the level of trust I build every day. How fast are we moving?

I have a new assistant who is pushing me to write more materials for my blog and elsewhere on the net. I am glad to have her because no matter how good my intentions are, writing for blogs, Twitter and Facebook always seems to be last on my list of things to do.

Now, that being said, if you know of an organization or association that could use a simple guide to a strong culture and higher productivity AND takes less than 20 hours to get to by plane, I am just the guy to call.

If no one told you that they love you this week, I do.

This is from an interview:

1. HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHOM TO MARRY?

You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.

– Alan, age 10

No person really decides before they grow up who they’re going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you’re stuck with.

– Kristen, age 10

2. WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?

Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.

– Camille, age 10

3. WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?

Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.

– Lynnette, age 8

On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.

– Martin, age 10

4. WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?

When they’re rich.

– Pam, age 7

The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn’t want to mess with that.

- Curt, age 7

The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It’s the right thing to do.

- Howard, age 8

5. IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?

It’s better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.

– Anita, age 9

6. HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN’T GET MARRIED?

There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn’t there?

– Kelvin, age 8

7. HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?

Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a dump truck.

– Ricky, age 10

On a personal note- as a kid I believed what Howard did- if you kiss someone you have to marry them because it is a law. Which one did you believe as a kid.

Keep Love Alive

Relationships change for the better by what we change inside ourselves.

“I cannot always control what goes on outside. But I can always control what goes on inside.”

~Wayne Dyer

One of the most frustrating things to deal with in our love relationships, is trying to get the person we love to change to make our life easier.  This really came to light yesterday while I was speaking to a Newlywed couple, helping them with a relationship issue they were experiencing. I love Newlyweds. They are discovering and learning so much as they make the transition from dating, being engaged, to husband and wife. Newlyweds have combined their lives, furniture, money, families and friends.So much has happened to then since becoming married that they often don’t see just how far they have come. The changes have happened on the inside.

Often times couples equate those changes as wrong or unsettling. You see not so long ago you were making individual decisions. Now you are considering your spouses thoughts and feelings. If you don’t that could cause severe problems. You have to see the “We” and work towards going through life together, side by side. You know you have your own way of doing things. Your spouse has their own way of doing things too. This is your perspective and approach to life based on all you have learned and experienced so far. Instead of getting into a Power Struggle, discover your spouse’s perspective and make a change inside yourself to be open to their thoughts and ideas – their perspective. There are no rights or wrongs, your side vs, my side. Together come up with the best approach and solution.

Make every day count. Spend the time you have enjoying each other. Bringing out the best parts of each other. Decide which changes you can make to yourself – such as releasing control over the way laundry is done, furniture is polished, and so on. Love each other for the real person that lives inside. We are all a work in progress.  Instead of trying to change the very person you fell in love with, control what goes on inside.

Take Five and Connect With Your Spouse

How to revive your relationship in 5 Minutes starting today!

Life just keeps on moving and in the process, sucks you in until the day is completely gone. There will always be more to do. There will always be things that come up out of the blue – even if you try to plan for the unknown. It’s easy to put your love life on hold as you try to manage the new crisis such as getting a battery for your car because the old one gave it up today, finding a plumber to fix that leak that has gotten bigger and now ruined the carpet. Believe me when I tell you that every day life is full of unknowns.

Today, slow it all down and make a promise to do something for your relationship and love life each and every day. Take five and start a new ritual when your spouse comes home today. Put everything aside. Let the worries of the day disappear for just five minutes. You know that they really won’t go anywhere but you have to put your full focus into these five minutes. Wrap your arms around the one you love and continue a tender, warm embrace. Sometimes that will be the best thing that has happened to your spouse all day.

Then find a quiet spot for the two of you and just listen to your spouse with all your attention and focus. Really listen. Resist the temptation to let your thoughts drift to what you need to do. The thing is that you don’t need to do anything but listen. Give them a chance to share. It will feel awkward at first but let there be silence for a few seconds until they get used to this. Then after you have shown your interest by asking questions or adding a great comment, take your turn to share.

You will be amazed at what this does for your relationship. Do this every day for the next 30 days and then you will see amazing results and a little more romance. Give it a full 30 days. Remember – it is only five minutes. You will set the tone for the whole evening, feel closer and connected, and working towards understanding each other more fully. Let me know what changes took place and how this improved your communication and more importantly how you and your spouse felt heard.

Money and Marriage…think about it as assets and liabilities not as a topic that creates problems for the two of you!

I was raised by my grandparents with their old time, common sense platitudes on just about every subject. I don’t remember us being poor, although by today’s standards we were, because we always got by with what we had and lived around other people who did likewise. Occasionally a fancy car would drive through our neighborhood with well heeled people inside which would cause my grandmother to sagely shake her finger at me and ruminate the two old adages “Money can’t buy happiness” and “Money is the root of all evil.”

She was right of course. She almost always was about everything. Since I have lived many decades since her passing, I have observed, first hand, examples of her rich lessons many times. Multi-million dollar lottery winners that have destroyed their lives,and countless members of the rich and famous that have self destructed with personal tragedy abound and seem to be in the media almost daily. I’ve learned that rich people have no more guarantee of personal happiness than any of the rest of us. But, money, or the lack of it, is the quintessential cause of most problems in a relationship among those of us who can’t count ourselves as part of the social elite. Let’s face it, money may be the root of all evil, but lack of money can hardly be considered a blessing.

Today, with unemployment at record levels throughout society and no job secure from the fallout of corporate downsizing, financial problems are a very real possibility for20all of us. I suppose the real lesson my grandparents taught me was that you could be happy in life without many of the intrinsic things that we believe are the cornerstones of our happiness. If a couple can agree on realistic values then they have a fighting chance of getting through the hard financial times that seem to occasionally infect our lives like bouts of influenza. I always believe that the first order of business is to make a list with two columns, side by side. One is “assets” and the other “liabilities”. Assets are the things you need for personal survival and peace of mind. They are worth something more than money alone. A couple should examine this one carefully and agree completely upon what is a necessary asset and what is not.

Admittedly, it’s hard to give up those creature comforts that we have become addicted to in the name of happiness.You both have to be on the same page on this one or trouble will manifest itself in short order. Is that slick B M W with the $640 dollar a month payment really necessary or would a Chevy with better gas mileage be a more realistic answer? Is a private school for the kids realistic and is taking the bus to and from school instead of being driven everyday going to destroy and traumatize their entire childhood? How many times can you eat out at a nice restaurant and go to expensive events nowadays? If your going to cook more often now you need an agreement on the daily chores20that come with this decision. Same with doing the laundry over sending clothes out to be cleaned.You will be spending more time together at home now and sharing that time can be better or worse depending on your attitudes and temperament. Everyone will be required to make more personal sacrifice to keep things running smooth in your family and that can be unpleasant if you can’t at least agree on the basics.

My wife tells me she would be happy living with me in a tent. I adore her for that, but in reality, I know it isn’t true. We all need some things around us to reaffirm our humanity and validate our aspirations in life. Especially as we get older as my wife and I are now. Choosing what they are must be made with mutual agreement. We both agree that she and I would be o k in an apartment or a mobile home if it came to that even though it would not be out of choice.

“Liabilities”are the other half of the equasion.They are those things that will bring you down if given the chance. Things you embrace because of vanity or the illusion of necessity that actually cost you more than they are really worth. When unnecessary trips to the mall and other venues put a strain on already overburdened high interest credit cards, they are a liability. Probably, if you look at the situation objectively, so are the credit cards. Do you really need several in your wallet to be happy? Expensive club memberships and overpriced gifts are liabi lities too. The worst thing you can do is try to “keep up with the Jones’s” as Grandma used to say. Sure that shiny new car in the neighbors driveway looks fantastic, but yours runs fine and is paid for. If you try to match your friends and neighbors step for step, your committing financial suicide.You will have to be smarter than that to see the finish line together.

If you constantly argue over money your wasting valuable energy and time on things that, if you both can come to agreement on, can bring a cohesiveness to your relationship. You may just find out what my grandparents learned from life… that real and lasting love isn’t found in the numbers on an inflated account balance. Nor can you buy it, no matter how high your credit score.

David Rivera

So many times we focus on the negative habits with the ones we love. We get into a routine of pointing out the flaws. We need to stop ourselves from this pattern. This is one thing that pushes the one you love farther away from you. The fact is what we really want is connection and acceptance. We want to bring the other person closer to us.

Try these things everyday:

Start out each day with a kind word before each of you goes out the door.

Send a text saying that you were thinking about them.

Make sure that when you see each other for the first time at the end of the day, you take the time to embrace and connect. Everything else can wait.

At the end of the evening say something positive such as I really appreciate the help you gave me tonight or thank you for listening to me – I really needed that.

Just hold hands, touch toes, connect physically in some way. The sense of touch is so powerful and can heal hurts and bring us so much closer.

Don’t accept settling into a pattern or routine everyday. Mix things up. Be playful, Seductive. Exciting. New.

Keep the intimacy alive!

Parenting is the most arduous job there is. If your a step parent, especially of kids that came into the relationship at a later age, it is beyond description. Kids are singularly demanding creatures. Most have no understanding of selflessness until they reach adulthood and some never do and become narcissistic adults.

If a marriage is to survive the trials of parenthood, it must be focused on the parents as a couple. If one or the other surrenders to the exclusivity of the children, it will end in a bitter train wreck.

Concentrate on keeping intimacy alive and keep the personal fun in your lives that attracted you to each other before the kids showed up. . Don’t surrender your love to the tantrums of unyielding children.

There is a place for them and a place for the two of you as well.

Define the parameters and continue to take a walk in the moonlight without them.

They won’t be traumatized or suffer horrendous depression from the lack of attention, I promise.