Last night’s session touched on some very difficult topics for me.  5 ½ years ago I terminated an unplanned pregnancy.  My partner and I were not married and although we had regularly discussed marriage and he totally adores children my fears overwhelmed me and I decided not to go through with it.  He said that he would support me no matter what decision I made.  We went through with the procedure and it was never really talked about again.  Every year around the time that I would have been due I think about how old my baby would have been.  Every time a friend is pregnant or someone asks me when I am going to have children I think about it.  It is always there haunting me.  In recent months my partner has indicated that he thinks of it often as well and has also indicated that he is sorry for the decision we made.

Last night we tried to identify some of my fears that lead to my decision.

• I was afraid of what my mom would think, having a child before getting married.
• I was afraid that I would be a terrible mom.
• I was afraid that at some point in the future I would be faced with the situation of being a single mom just like my mom had when I was in my early teens.

Growing up I had two parents that I loved very much and they loved me but when I was twelve years old their relationship started to fall apart and at fourteen my dad left.  My parents did not split amicably and my mom has struggled ever since to recover emotionally.  I feel that I took on the role of caring for my mom in many ways as she cried often and seemed too weak to stand up to my father’s antics.  In turn this had a negative impact on my high school years and my own person reflections on relationships with men and my ability to trust someone to love me.  I was very fortunate to have been surrounded by very good friends.

This thought often crosses my mind, “No one is ever going to love me forever, no one ever has up to this point and therefore no one ever will”.

I know that I can’t change the past and I must find a way to forgive myself if I want to grow into the beautiful person I was meant to be.

You can clutch the past so tightly to your chest that it leaves your arms too full to embrace the present. ~Jan Glidewell

At the start of every year many of us make resolutions, they might be to lose weight, eat healthier, get a better job… This year I have resolved to take better care of myself mentally.  I have vowed to do whatever it takes to learn to love the person I am.  I am going to develop habits that will help me wipe out the negative thoughts that take control of me sometimes.  For too many years now I have thought that I wasn’t worthy of love, that I wasn’t smart enough, pretty enough, athletic enough.  This isn’t true.  I am enough and more.  I have so much to offer.

About a month ago I read somewhere the following statement – “We can’t change our partner, we can’t undo the past, and we can’t make someone love us.  What we can do is be the very best person we can be.” This hit home for me, the only thing that I have the absolute power to do is help myself overcome my fears and learn to love and trust myself.  I can’t erase the mistakes that I have made, and believe me there have been many, and I can’t take back the mean things I have said.  I can move forward from this day on and be the person that I would love to spend time with.

Be consistent, pick your path and then continue down that path… that is what 2012 is about for me!

Don’t allow yourself to get weighed down by those heavy chains that you have forged together from the past. They don’t allow you to love freely, openly, and completely. Everyday we struggle with chains of fear, stress, anger and guilt. Yes, we must be willing to fight and die to maintain and defend our freedom but we also must be willing to fight and live to defend and maintain our true freedom – loving each other with all that we are. We must fight everyday for our mental, physical and spiritual freedom. As we do, a circle of true freedom spreads out from us like ripples in a pond and helps those around us to see and experience freedom as well. This is the fight for true freedom and this fight is ours alone. It can’t be delegated to others.

When you use some combinations of Willingness, Love, Forgiveness, Service, Gratitude and Action in your relationship you will experience a sense of peace, joy and happiness that grows and sets you free. You will find that once you live in this way- you set others free too. Don’t live one more day weighted down with guilt, blame, anger, hurt, fear, and stress in your relationship. You don’t need any on these to love each other.  Start right now to love with just one – willingness, forgiveness, service, gratitude, and action – for the next week and see how differently things happen at home. Leave all the “chains” that hold you back with me. You don’t need them anymore- I promise.

Positive Thought for the Week…

This is True Freedom

I fight for my true freedom, everyday. I fight for my freedom from stress, anxiety, fear and anger and to that end;

I am free to set my mind and heart in the right direction everyday.

I am free to see the needs of others and to pro-actively be of service.

I am free to accept myself just as I am.

I am free to let go of my expectations of other people, places and situations.

I am free to love and forgive.

I am free to accept love and forgiveness.

I am free to be grateful for all things, at all times.

I am free to enjoy the peace of a day well spent.

I am free to fight another day.

I am free.

Business Thought for the Week…

Building Trust Every Day

Motivation is built on trust. Trust is built on a combination of managerial transparency, open two-way communication, clear attainable goals, praise and reasonable compensation. I am attentive to all of these because I know that companies can only move at a speed that is equivalent to the level of trust I build every day. How fast are we moving?

I have a new assistant who is pushing me to write more materials for my blog and elsewhere on the net. I am glad to have her because no matter how good my intentions are, writing for blogs, Twitter and Facebook always seems to be last on my list of things to do.

Now, that being said, if you know of an organization or association that could use a simple guide to a strong culture and higher productivity AND takes less than 20 hours to get to by plane, I am just the guy to call.

If no one told you that they love you this week, I do.

This is from an interview:

1. HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHOM TO MARRY?

You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.

– Alan, age 10

No person really decides before they grow up who they’re going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you’re stuck with.

– Kristen, age 10

2. WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?

Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.

– Camille, age 10

3. WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?

Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.

– Lynnette, age 8

On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.

– Martin, age 10

4. WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?

When they’re rich.

– Pam, age 7

The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn’t want to mess with that.

- Curt, age 7

The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It’s the right thing to do.

- Howard, age 8

5. IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?

It’s better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.

– Anita, age 9

6. HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN’T GET MARRIED?

There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn’t there?

– Kelvin, age 8

7. HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?

Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a dump truck.

– Ricky, age 10

On a personal note- as a kid I believed what Howard did- if you kiss someone you have to marry them because it is a law. Which one did you believe as a kid.

Keep Love Alive

Relationships change for the better by what we change inside ourselves.

“I cannot always control what goes on outside. But I can always control what goes on inside.”

~Wayne Dyer

One of the most frustrating things to deal with in our love relationships, is trying to get the person we love to change to make our life easier.  This really came to light yesterday while I was speaking to a Newlywed couple, helping them with a relationship issue they were experiencing. I love Newlyweds. They are discovering and learning so much as they make the transition from dating, being engaged, to husband and wife. Newlyweds have combined their lives, furniture, money, families and friends.So much has happened to then since becoming married that they often don’t see just how far they have come. The changes have happened on the inside.

Often times couples equate those changes as wrong or unsettling. You see not so long ago you were making individual decisions. Now you are considering your spouses thoughts and feelings. If you don’t that could cause severe problems. You have to see the “We” and work towards going through life together, side by side. You know you have your own way of doing things. Your spouse has their own way of doing things too. This is your perspective and approach to life based on all you have learned and experienced so far. Instead of getting into a Power Struggle, discover your spouse’s perspective and make a change inside yourself to be open to their thoughts and ideas – their perspective. There are no rights or wrongs, your side vs, my side. Together come up with the best approach and solution.

Make every day count. Spend the time you have enjoying each other. Bringing out the best parts of each other. Decide which changes you can make to yourself – such as releasing control over the way laundry is done, furniture is polished, and so on. Love each other for the real person that lives inside. We are all a work in progress.  Instead of trying to change the very person you fell in love with, control what goes on inside.

Take Five and Connect With Your Spouse

How to revive your relationship in 5 Minutes starting today!

Life just keeps on moving and in the process, sucks you in until the day is completely gone. There will always be more to do. There will always be things that come up out of the blue – even if you try to plan for the unknown. It’s easy to put your love life on hold as you try to manage the new crisis such as getting a battery for your car because the old one gave it up today, finding a plumber to fix that leak that has gotten bigger and now ruined the carpet. Believe me when I tell you that every day life is full of unknowns.

Today, slow it all down and make a promise to do something for your relationship and love life each and every day. Take five and start a new ritual when your spouse comes home today. Put everything aside. Let the worries of the day disappear for just five minutes. You know that they really won’t go anywhere but you have to put your full focus into these five minutes. Wrap your arms around the one you love and continue a tender, warm embrace. Sometimes that will be the best thing that has happened to your spouse all day.

Then find a quiet spot for the two of you and just listen to your spouse with all your attention and focus. Really listen. Resist the temptation to let your thoughts drift to what you need to do. The thing is that you don’t need to do anything but listen. Give them a chance to share. It will feel awkward at first but let there be silence for a few seconds until they get used to this. Then after you have shown your interest by asking questions or adding a great comment, take your turn to share.

You will be amazed at what this does for your relationship. Do this every day for the next 30 days and then you will see amazing results and a little more romance. Give it a full 30 days. Remember – it is only five minutes. You will set the tone for the whole evening, feel closer and connected, and working towards understanding each other more fully. Let me know what changes took place and how this improved your communication and more importantly how you and your spouse felt heard.

Money and Marriage…think about it as assets and liabilities not as a topic that creates problems for the two of you!

I was raised by my grandparents with their old time, common sense platitudes on just about every subject. I don’t remember us being poor, although by today’s standards we were, because we always got by with what we had and lived around other people who did likewise. Occasionally a fancy car would drive through our neighborhood with well heeled people inside which would cause my grandmother to sagely shake her finger at me and ruminate the two old adages “Money can’t buy happiness” and “Money is the root of all evil.”

She was right of course. She almost always was about everything. Since I have lived many decades since her passing, I have observed, first hand, examples of her rich lessons many times. Multi-million dollar lottery winners that have destroyed their lives,and countless members of the rich and famous that have self destructed with personal tragedy abound and seem to be in the media almost daily. I’ve learned that rich people have no more guarantee of personal happiness than any of the rest of us. But, money, or the lack of it, is the quintessential cause of most problems in a relationship among those of us who can’t count ourselves as part of the social elite. Let’s face it, money may be the root of all evil, but lack of money can hardly be considered a blessing.

Today, with unemployment at record levels throughout society and no job secure from the fallout of corporate downsizing, financial problems are a very real possibility for20all of us. I suppose the real lesson my grandparents taught me was that you could be happy in life without many of the intrinsic things that we believe are the cornerstones of our happiness. If a couple can agree on realistic values then they have a fighting chance of getting through the hard financial times that seem to occasionally infect our lives like bouts of influenza. I always believe that the first order of business is to make a list with two columns, side by side. One is “assets” and the other “liabilities”. Assets are the things you need for personal survival and peace of mind. They are worth something more than money alone. A couple should examine this one carefully and agree completely upon what is a necessary asset and what is not.

Admittedly, it’s hard to give up those creature comforts that we have become addicted to in the name of happiness.You both have to be on the same page on this one or trouble will manifest itself in short order. Is that slick B M W with the $640 dollar a month payment really necessary or would a Chevy with better gas mileage be a more realistic answer? Is a private school for the kids realistic and is taking the bus to and from school instead of being driven everyday going to destroy and traumatize their entire childhood? How many times can you eat out at a nice restaurant and go to expensive events nowadays? If your going to cook more often now you need an agreement on the daily chores20that come with this decision. Same with doing the laundry over sending clothes out to be cleaned.You will be spending more time together at home now and sharing that time can be better or worse depending on your attitudes and temperament. Everyone will be required to make more personal sacrifice to keep things running smooth in your family and that can be unpleasant if you can’t at least agree on the basics.

My wife tells me she would be happy living with me in a tent. I adore her for that, but in reality, I know it isn’t true. We all need some things around us to reaffirm our humanity and validate our aspirations in life. Especially as we get older as my wife and I are now. Choosing what they are must be made with mutual agreement. We both agree that she and I would be o k in an apartment or a mobile home if it came to that even though it would not be out of choice.

“Liabilities”are the other half of the equasion.They are those things that will bring you down if given the chance. Things you embrace because of vanity or the illusion of necessity that actually cost you more than they are really worth. When unnecessary trips to the mall and other venues put a strain on already overburdened high interest credit cards, they are a liability. Probably, if you look at the situation objectively, so are the credit cards. Do you really need several in your wallet to be happy? Expensive club memberships and overpriced gifts are liabi lities too. The worst thing you can do is try to “keep up with the Jones’s” as Grandma used to say. Sure that shiny new car in the neighbors driveway looks fantastic, but yours runs fine and is paid for. If you try to match your friends and neighbors step for step, your committing financial suicide.You will have to be smarter than that to see the finish line together.

If you constantly argue over money your wasting valuable energy and time on things that, if you both can come to agreement on, can bring a cohesiveness to your relationship. You may just find out what my grandparents learned from life… that real and lasting love isn’t found in the numbers on an inflated account balance. Nor can you buy it, no matter how high your credit score.

David Rivera

So many times we focus on the negative habits with the ones we love. We get into a routine of pointing out the flaws. We need to stop ourselves from this pattern. This is one thing that pushes the one you love farther away from you. The fact is what we really want is connection and acceptance. We want to bring the other person closer to us.

Try these things everyday:

Start out each day with a kind word before each of you goes out the door.

Send a text saying that you were thinking about them.

Make sure that when you see each other for the first time at the end of the day, you take the time to embrace and connect. Everything else can wait.

At the end of the evening say something positive such as I really appreciate the help you gave me tonight or thank you for listening to me – I really needed that.

Just hold hands, touch toes, connect physically in some way. The sense of touch is so powerful and can heal hurts and bring us so much closer.

Don’t accept settling into a pattern or routine everyday. Mix things up. Be playful, Seductive. Exciting. New.

Keep the intimacy alive!

Parenting is the most arduous job there is. If your a step parent, especially of kids that came into the relationship at a later age, it is beyond description. Kids are singularly demanding creatures. Most have no understanding of selflessness until they reach adulthood and some never do and become narcissistic adults.

If a marriage is to survive the trials of parenthood, it must be focused on the parents as a couple. If one or the other surrenders to the exclusivity of the children, it will end in a bitter train wreck.

Concentrate on keeping intimacy alive and keep the personal fun in your lives that attracted you to each other before the kids showed up. . Don’t surrender your love to the tantrums of unyielding children.

There is a place for them and a place for the two of you as well.

Define the parameters and continue to take a walk in the moonlight without them.

They won’t be traumatized or suffer horrendous depression from the lack of attention, I promise.

Whenever you are trying to be heard and understood on a certain topic, ask your spouse for their thoughts on what you just said. This gives you an opportunity to explain the way you look at things again. Then ask what they got from those words.

Next, recognize the opportunity to gain insight into how your spouse feels about this issue. Ask questions such as – did your family always do things that way or Gee, I never thought about that way . . . keep processing this info so that you become closer and closer to understanding and accepting one another.

No one likes to be criticized for the way they think or the perspective they have on things.

Enjoy discovering as much as you can about each other. This one tip will bring you closer and more intimate every day.

Now it seems as if your whole world is falling apart. You are losing your best friend and confidant. Something is gone. You don’t feel the same inside. You are fearful of what will come next. You were caught off guard.

The thing is that unless one of you had said no more . . .nothing could ever change. There would be the same arguments. Same problems. Same distance in your relationship.

When you first get the news that she wants a divorce don’t panic or ignore the meaning behind the words. Instead take action. The action you need to take is to get back to the strongest you possible. Don’t freeze. Move forward.  Absolutely no pleading and begging.  That won’t work.  If you stop and think about it, you have a unique opportunity right now to get to the source of all the discontent. Believe me when I tell you that is yet to come.

For now it  is  time to find out what was happening to you. What are your thoughts about the relationship. This is your perspective. Don’t discuss your perspective with her. You are formulating your perspective, your point of view. All the while you are picking yourself up and moving forward in the direction of change and most importantly hope. Never give up. I tell all the men that I coach, that it is not over till it is over.  The story has not ended.

I never give up hope for a marriage. I know that things can be repaired and made even better than before. For now have hope. Hope for what is to come. Hope to add to the story of the two of you in a better way. Hope for love. Hope for you.

Now every day make the decision to

The title of this great relationship tip will throw some people off because it appears as if you are being asked to be irresponsible as in not caring about anything.  This is not the meaning, the meaning of this tip is that it is good for your relationship if you have a day or an evening or another time acting silly and not being so much of a grown up.  Forget all of your responsibilities and your education level and just go out and have some spontaneous fun, fun that doesn’t require intense thought and dedication.

It helps for everyone to be able to let go every now and then and if you don’t you will just regret the missed opportunity for a long time.  When we talk about being carefree as a great relationship tip this does not mean to go out and be careless around other people or destroy someone’s good time at a movie or dinner.  This means that you go do an activity together that requires no thought or intellectual investment and you don’t think about it one iota.

Every single day is full of responsibilities and duties and long, never ending “To Do” Lists. Just let it all go – it will be there when you return. Forget your usual need to plan every detail. Life is short and sometimes it just calls for us to lose ourselves in each other and enjoy the time we have together.

Think back to some of the things you dis together that made you laugh so hard- well you know the rest. Enjoy each other. Let yourself go if even for a few hours.

Then once your time out from life for a few hours is over – you can go back to your normal routine, but it I guarantee that you will do so with a renewed energy and motivation and renewed love for each other. Try it and let me know what you did to be irresponsible and carefree.

The reason that having a place together is a great relationship tip is because it is a place you can go repeatedly and not think about anyone or anything else.  Your relationship takes center stage in this place and you don’t have to worry about anything else that has happened or will happen.  Once you go there you will know that the only thing that matters is you and the significant other that you spend your time with.

One of the most important things for you to remember with your special place is that it needs to remain yours away from all others at all costs.  If you recommend this place to others only do so for trips for them, not including you.  Once you take someone else to your place while you are present it will start to take away from the magical allure of a place of your own.

Make Each Other The Priority In Your Marriage

Once you have children, you realize how few and far between the moments are that you have together as a couple. I have kids and it is the most wonderful experience to be a Mom. The day each one was born was a major highlight in my life. And I have grown immensely from being a parent. The best advice is to give to your marriage. If the parents are okay, the kids will be okay.

I teach a marriage preparation class and this discussion comes up often – what happens when kids come to your relationship.

This is an interesting group to open up the topic of kids and marriage with. They are so in love- they lose sleep just for the chance to spend more time together. Little do they know what we do in that they will lose more sleep once their child is born and

It is always best when you have had an argument or know that one is about to take place to talk it out before it ignites.  Discuss why a certain thing that was said or done made you upset and how you wish it would be handled in the future.  Don’t make it personal or accuse someone of being out to get you, just let them know that it made you feel bad or upset and you would like it to be handled different in the future.

If this can work your relationship will go into places you never knew or thought possible before in your life.  This could defuse a great many arguments before they even happen and make both people more likely to enjoy the little things on a daily basis.  In the end, the payoff this type of approach has in mutual respect and understanding can’t be understood in any way, shape or form unless you try it yourself.

This much is clear: you’re “supposed” to be happy when you are in love. And as you’ve discovered, there’s certainly no shortage of information on how to do it. Just Google the term love, relationships or marriage and you come up with all kinds of information. Relationship and marriage experts fill the web touting the latest and greatest new thing. Why then, is your relationship still struggling to overcome the problems? Maybe these sites just don’t work for a relationship like yours. (Maybe this stuff just works for other couples,  . . . or relationship experts!) But I have a feeling that’s not the case. The real issue is this – relationships are COMPLICATED  . . .  and no one has a relationship quite like yours! That is the truth.  You do not have a cookie cutter relationship where the answer is generic and fits everyone. And honestly I think knowing that is a relief! So many people are embarrassed to ask me questions about their relationship because they think their questions are “dumb” and they should know the answer. Hello! No one was born a relationship expert! (That would be pretty weird huh?) The truth is these questions aren’t “dumb” or “basic” at all. Relationships are an entirely new world with its own rules and culture. Getting the help you need for your relationship is incredibly time-consuming to figure out on your own. And 99% of the info out there is NOT geared towards the your situation.

Too many relationships are getting left out in the cold

There are plenty of case studies about why relationships fail. . . and plenty of relationship sites, relationship communities, ways to save your relationship, context-based online help sites . . . and a million other totally useless buzzwords that will never make you happy with your own relationship. But what about those of us who fall somewhere in between? Can a real-life relationship like yours SUCCEED from the right relationship help? In a word . . . yes! And how do I know? Because I specialize in teaching clients just like you how to incorporate all that you are into your relationship in a way that will get results fast. And by “results” I don’t mean vague measures like “increased communication”. I mean more fun, more passion, and more intimacy for your love life. (You know, the stuff that actually keeps you in happy!) Honestly, I’m sick of smart couples who are trying to keep it all together being left out in the cold. That’s why I’m doing something very different – and I think you’ll want to be a part of it.

Introducing Everything You Need to Know to Have The Relationship You Want: Creating More Love Classroom

This becomes even more of an issue if you know that you two reside on different sides of a very heated topic like abortion or religion.  These topics should only be broached to see what your feelings are and inquire as to what the thought process or experience was that made the approach happen.  Don’t ever try to sway your partner to one side or the other because this will only end up backfiring in the end.

Great relationships aren’t built off of the common ground in all religious or political debates, it is built on mutual respect and understanding.  If you know that you can have a grown-up conversation about why you feel a certain way about a certain topic that is one thing, but entering a conversation knowing that it will be an ugly argument is quite another.  Stay away from debate in your relationship as much as possible.