Faith, Love, and a Starfish

The Next Move- Texas Bound

2010-06-30T11:30:00.000-04:00

I have decided it is time to move on. For possibly the first time, I am moving towards something and not running away from something (as I have in the past). I have decided to move to Texas for better opportunity and a better life for me. It is cheaper down there and I have family there who I have spent most of my life away from.

Only cons: I have no job yet, therefore I can't afford my own place.

I will be staying with my grandma until I am settled with a job, which I hope won't take too long. I know some of you will think I am crazy for quitting a paying job again, but I know in my heart that this is the right thing to do for me. I am drowning here is NY, my situation is getting worse and I have to do something about it. This is what I have chosen to do it. I can feel deep in my soul that life is about to get so much better.

Also, why the hell not? I am young and single, why should I stay in a job that is not challenging and I know I am meant to do more with my life. Settling for less then what I deserve should not be my only option. I want to experience life, so that is what I intend to start doing.

Come along for the ride>

The Ex List

2010-06-28T23:27:00.000-04:00

FL- Taught me sweet, unconditional love. Shared tears and scars, held each other when the pain got to be too much. Shared hopes and dreams of a better future for ourselves and better childhood for our kids in the future.

T.- Taught me that love should not hurt. Was the first person I willingly allowed to break my spirit and control me. Learned what fear felt like and what hatred looked like in the eyes of someone who swore they loved you. Saw what manipulation was.

Dion- Showed me what friendship was, how a guy can bring you to tears out of laughter. The first time that I mistook a great friendship for love, and how you cannot control who you fall in love with. I wanted so much to be in love with him, for a while I fooled myself into believing I was. Until the day I realized I did love him, but only as a friend. Broke his heart.

Rugby- First relationship where there was no games. There was trust and honesty, most of all, there was love. First guy I did not cheat on. First guy, that worshiped the ground I walked on, yet called me on my shit. He taught me stuff, helped me be the person I am. Showed me how to believe in myself. He is my longest relationship.

Karma- Taught me about patience in love. First guy to truly break my heart. Taught me what it was to hurt. Showed me what I had put some of my ex's through. Taught me how to forgive.

Music Man- Taught me that love can make you lose your senses. Taught me how to trust my heart and fall madly in love. Learned I was capable of great love. Too bad it was with someone who didn't love me back. Taught me what I was willing to give up.

Mr.D- Allowed me to open up my heart and life to someone. Showed that I was able to love again and trust someone. Showed me to trust my instincts to be able to be in a relationship and lose myself. He broke my heart, but oddly, looking back I am glad he did. Because I survived it and am not bitter at all. Still think of him fondly.

Moving on

2010-06-04T00:18:00.000-04:00

I am moving to Texas this summer... peace out NY..

Is it spring yet??

2010-03-12T21:49:00.002-05:00

It has been two months since mr.d and I broke up. The first few weeks were hell... barely ate slept, kept hoping he would come back. We didn't talk much, maybe every few days or so. About 6 weeks after the break-up and he was drunk he called me and we talked for a while about how he still loves me and wants to be with me but he doesn't feel ready and that I scare him. He felt he had so much he needed to work on and that he feels that maybe the timing was bad between us. Basically, blah blah blah blah. I understand what he is saying, but the end result is the same, I cannot change his mind and we arent together. we are friends now, and we have slept together a few times since. I know it is a bad idea, but it is fun, and we have so much fun together.

I have posted my profile back on few dating sites, just seeing what is out there. I am hanging out with my friends a lot, doing things. Took awhile to want to do things, but I am doing stuff. Funny story, after the break-up I would put up fake facebook statuses about going out. Had to tell a few friends and family that they were fake cause otherwise they would have worried. But I did it for 2 reasons, 1- so mr.d wouldn't know I was at home bawling my eyes out everyday and 2- I figured I could fake it till I make it. It worked, when mr.d finally talked to me, he would mention things I had posted about so I knew he had been paying attention, which made me feel better. I know, messed up.

But the HUGE thing I did was get a new tattoo! I got a Phoenix on my upper bicep and it wraps around to my shoulder blade. It is sooooo beautiful!

I am doing much better. I still miss mr. d everyday, crazy how a 4 month relationship was one of the most important and greatest relationships I ever had. I still have feelings for him, when I see him I still get butterflies. It sucks, but i know everything will work out for the best. He treated me great and he has always been really honest with me, so I don't hate him.

Knocked off my feet

2010-01-19T19:43:00.003-05:00

mr.d and I broke up. I cant even comprehend it. I am heartbroken. Devastated doesn't even begin to describe it. It happened on last monday. I couldn't stop crying for 2 days, didn't eat for about 4 days.

Things were great, as far as I knew. Then BAM its done... well sorta. Here is the story...

I don't know if I mentioned it, but mr.d has depression and has attempted suicide twice in his life. The first time being when he was in 4th grade, the other time being about 5 years ago. I knew about this stuff from the beginning.

After new years, I could tell that something was different. I figured that because of our serious/crazy conversations on new years eve, maybe he was a little freaked out/scared. We both shared a fear of commitment/letting someone in too deep. I figured I would give him some space and that it would all be fine. Last week we had stupid fights over nothing, well he was fighting with me and I was disturbed by his moodiness, then he blew off a party he was supposed to come with me to. I wasn't very concerned or upset because he had been celebrating the Jets win the night before and suspected he would be too hungover to come. I asked him if I could come to the city and have dinner with him on Monday, fully prepared to talk to him about his fears and find out why he is pushing me away so suddenly. On Monday, when I get to his places the conversation immediately gets into how he is feeling. He tells me that he is miserable for no reason, that he feels a downward spiral coming on and he has no control. That he feels moody and unhappy and doesnt know what to do. That he loves me and wants to be with me but doesnt know if it is the best thing to be in a relationship. He tells me it isnt fair to me to be around as he spirals to rock bottom. I see the fear in his eyes. We talked for hours, it was terrible. I was completely a mess, I tried to tell him that it should be up to me to decide if being with him while he is going through this is too much to handle. He was adamant that he wouldnt do that to me. It was insane. I can't even begin to explain all that we talked about. It is just too much.

At the end we decided to allow him to take some time and figure out things for himself. We were "in a relationship" on facebook, he changed it to "it's complicated". Since when did facebook become the relationship litmus test? haha. I know it is stupid and dumb, but in a way I feel that he didn't break up with me on facebook because he isnt ready to. He told me, " I am not sure where I am going with this, I need time".

It is so complicated, I wish it was as easy as he just isnt interested or he wants to see other people, or he is just a jerk. But its not like that, i know it in my gut. Him and I only know fully the things we shared these past 4 months, and it meant something. I really believe that he did get scared, combined with his mental issues, I think he is just having a breakdown of sorts.

I am so worried about him, and yes, I want him back with every fiber of my being, but most of all I want him well and happy. Even if that doesn't include me.

For now, I am trying to give him space, yet let him know I am here and supportive. That I will help him in any way I can even if we arent together.

I really love him.

This sucks...

Happy New Year!

2010-01-04T22:06:00.003-05:00

Wow, another year has passed by, it has gone so quick.

Overall, 2009 was not a great year. My job was a miserable stressful mess for the first 6 months of the year. My sister's house burned down and her dog perished in the fire. My brother-in-law lost his job, we had to put down 2 family dogs at christmas, money was tight for everyone. I know too many people who were unemployed for most of the year.

BUT, I did meet mr.d and that was fabulous. He was my reward for dealing with such a terrible year. We had an amazing christmas and an even better new years. I am so glad to start the year with him. I couldn't ask for a better guy, and I am soooo happy. Falling in love is the most amazing thing in the world and to be with someone who treats me so great is more amazing than I can describe. The last 2 weeks our relationship has been intense and overwhelming but I wouldn't change a minute of it. When it is him and I, we tend to let our imaginations run wild and talk about the possibilities for the future.

On New Years Eve, mr.d and I, in our drunken haze, talked about marriage and babies, it was crazy talk for sure, but enjoyable. Nice to be with someone who wants that in life and wants to work towards that.

I have no idea what this year will bring, I hope not a heartbreak, but I am hopeful that this year will bring me a lot of happiness. I have a feeling that this will be a year to remember, a turning point in my life.

I can't wait.

Merry Christmas!

2009-12-23T21:26:00.003-05:00

Merry Christmas to all (who celebrate it)!!! Hope you get all that you wanted!

My christmas is small this year, my family isn't doing our big celebration, with all the kids, my cousins and my mom till jan 16th. I am going to my brother's for christmas eve dinner and then to my cousin's on christmas day. Not sure when I will be seeing mr.d, I can't wait tho! I haven't seen him in over a week! Plus I cant wait to give him his presents, and of course get mine!

I am nervous about seeing what he got me. I feel like presents are a big deal, shows if the person knows you or not. I am anxious if he will like what I got him. I got him 4 gifts, 1 is a big one, which I know he will love, the 3 others are smaller and he should enjoy them. I'm just worried that he went overboard or that I spent too much. I spent about $200, I hope that is acceptable. I know it is not about the money, but what if he went crazy and spent $400 or didn't and only spent $50??

I would be happy with him in just a red bow! Hahaha

hmmmm

2009-12-16T21:48:00.003-05:00

I am in a dilemma. I am not sure if I am justified or if I am over-reacting, being paranoid, or being my own worst enemy.

Things with mr.d are great... for the most part. But there is something gnawing at me. mr.d has depressions issues, he is on medication. This is not the issue for me, but could be the reason for some of my concerns.. I just don't know.

Mr.d can sometimes be cold and distant. We don't talk much other than a few texts at night, saying hello how are you and goodnight. Very rarely do we have a conversation (by text) that lasts more than 10 or so lines. We almost never speak on the phone and we see each other every few Mondays and at least one day out of every weekend.

So here is my problem... mr.d doesn't seem to have an interest in increasing the amount we do speak during the week. Also, we almost always hang out with friends/family... while with with these friends he is always very affectionate, hugging me, kissing me. He doesn't seem to have a desire to hang out alone, I had to make a point 2 weeks ago that I wanted a date night with just him cause we hadn't been alone in over a month (except to sleep and have sex). he didn't see the big deal as, in his words, "I like having you around, kind of look what I got, this is my girlfriend". At first I thought it was sweet and a compliment. But now, its starting to bother me and I wonder if he likes ME or just the idea of me, that he enjoys having a girlfriend who gets along with all his friends and family and he has fun with, but maybe not me personally. Also, he is very affectionate (as I said) in front of other people, but when we are alone, not so much.

For example, on Mondays he goes to the bar for monday night football with his best friend. I will sometimes join him. He is getting over bronchitis and is on some meds. At the bar, he is very affectionate, when we leave so I can take him to the train station, he isn't very talkative in the car and we waited for the train for almost twenty minutes and all I got was a quick peck goodbye. I was a little disappointed to say the least.

Added to that we haven't had sex for 2 weeks, because 1-he was sick, and 2-because of the meds he is on for the depression, his sex drive is low.

I am just starting to have doubts about everything, because I just don't know if I am crazy or not. On one hand I have this guy who is very affectionate in public, loves having me hang out with him and his friends, loves hanging out with my family, tells me almost every day that he misses me, makes plans to see me, tells me that I make him very very happy, invites me to every friend and family function he goes to, who I have amazing sex with, who i am falling in love with.

On the other hand I have this guy who is sometimes distant, who doesn't seem to have a need to have real conversations over 10 mins a day, who doesn't have a need to be alone with me all that much, whose sex drive is a lot lower than mine, who is not very affectionate when we are alone.

I don't know... what do you think? I know this is all my perception and if was writing, who knows what he would say.

Please help me, because I don't want to screw this up if I am just being crazy. But I also don't want to turn a blind eye to things that might be red flags like I did so many times with music man.

Whiskey Truth

2009-12-02T22:39:00.003-05:00

Hope everyone had a great Thanksgiving! I sure did, I had 2 of them! Haha

I spent Thanksgiving with mr.d and his family. I met 30 of his closest relatives. It was really awkward at first, but once I started drinking and chatting, it was all good. One thing that I have noticed that has changed is that I have become more social. I used to be up my boyfriends butts in the past at their family events. But on thanksgiving I chatted with almost everyone at the party at some point and spent a lot of time away from mr. d. I had a great time. Mr.d was super cute the whole night, making sure I had a full drink and was having a good time. He was very affectionate....

Mr.d ended up getting very drunk, which led him to profess his love for me time and time again. He has never said it before... I was in shock and would smile at him, which would lead to weird looks from him. He continued to say it over and over again when we were in bed later that night. I told him to stop because he wouldn't remember the next day he said he would, so we made a bet. The next morning I smoothly asked if I won the bet, and he, of course, had no clue what I was talking about. Later as we were driving back to his uncles (cause he was too drunk to drive home) I asked him if he was just playing stupid, he said no he really didn't remember our bet. So I told him he told me he loved me and he was shocked and embarrassed. I let it go.

But, I couldn't let it go. I spent friday at my house while he went fishing, he came over later that night. All I could think about was I LOVE YOU. He opened a door that I was keeping very very closed. Then BAM, I couldn't stop thinking about it. I realized I loved him! He said the words and it was alllll that was on my mind. While we were in bed, I brought it up and told him that I was okay with not saying it, that I was having a great time with how things were going. But he had to go ahead and say those 3 magic words and I was knocked off my feet. He told me that it wasn't that he didn't feel it it's just that he is scared and can't say it.

It kind of sucks, but I totally get it. I am just as scared as him.

Love is scary... but I am loving this guy.... more and more everyday.

Oh yea, my family did thanksgiving on saturday, he had met most of them on my birthday. He said he had a great time with my family and that he feels more comfortable with my family than with his own family. It was a lot of fun. OHHHH!!! My family decided we are not having out Christmas till Jan 16th at my moms house is PA. We picked secret santa for the adults and I was not sure what to do about mr.d, I didn't want him to feel forced to join. I was whispering to my sister about it, and finally she mentioned something to my brother and he asked him directly if he was coming or not. My family is crazy and direct like that. He looked at me, and said "do you want me to come baby?" I said if he wants to, no pressure. He said "I'll be there". My brother then said, "if my sister breaks up with you, too bad, if you break up with her, too bad.. You still have to come" It was hilarious.

How fun that mr.d is planning on being with me in the new year! hehe

Temptation

2009-11-23T09:47:00.001-05:00

When it rains.. it pours...

In my last post, I didn't talk about one reason for some of my freaking out.

There is this guy, Mark, who an vendor that we work with at my job. He is hot, I have thought so since the day I met him over a year ago. But a year ago, I was all miserable and felling crappy about life, and getting fat. Definitely was not trying to start up a relationship with ANYONE. However, that did not stop the fantasies I had for the many months.

Over the past year, we have become good acquaintances and in the last 6 months or so, become friends. Well things got flirty a few DAYS before I met mr.d. But I didn't read into it, I just thought he was being flirty since I have now lost almost 30 lbs (YAY!) and I look good, as well as I feel good about myself.

Then, over a month ago, his texts got more flirty and interesting, I participated in it, because it was before mr.d and I were "going steady" haha. Then I didn't know how to stop the conversations with Mark... I didn't tell him about mr.d cause I liked the attention, especially since I had been into him for such a long time. It was living a fantasy I had been having for so long. The texts weren't serious or anything, just flirty, stupid conversations...THEN mr.d went ahead and said we were in a relationship on facebook, that is how Mark found out. One Monday morning he sent me a text "congrats on the relation btw".

I admit, I was disappointed... however Marks texts didn't stop. again, I didn't know how to stop it, cause I did like it. Then went for dinner (NOT A DATE), and a week later we went dancing and drinking.

Mark knew I did not want to cheat on mr.d, but that didn't stop him from trying. There was/is so much sexual tension between us. I was confused because I really like mr.d but there was just this THING with Mark that I couldn't deny either.

So the night we are out drinking and dancing, and Mark keeps trying to do anything. It hit me how much I do not want Mark. I want mr.d. Sometimes the fantasy is just that. I did allow the line to get blurred and crossed it a bit, but I didn't full cross it, THANK GOD. I also realized that part of the reason I even allowed what little did occur between Mark and I was cause I was so scared of my relationship with mr.d. I was so afraid to get hurt that I was effectively sabotaging it. Mr.d even called me out on it, because he could sense I was pushing him away and almost trying to give him reasons to not be with me.

Since that night out with Mark, we are completely just friends, and I have no attraction to him anymore.

I only have eyes for Mr.D

Hello Happiness!

2009-11-20T21:25:00.002-05:00

I am happy... very happy. It is amazing.. and shocking.

mr.d and I are going strong, things are progressing very well. I haven't had a freak-out about being in a relationship in over a week. Haha.. I was having weekly freak-outs. I hasn't truly realized how scared I am of being in a relationship until natural, wonderful milestones were happening in my relationship with mr.d.

One thorn, well its not a big thorn, just a little one, is that mr.d has a female best friend, Mindy. They have been friends since college, have never hooked up, only interest has ever been on his side. He says now he wouldn't touch her, she is more like a sister. When I hang out with both of them, it is very apparent there is noooo interest on either side. However, she is the jealous/possessive type (she admits this) and I am treading lightly to see what that means. So far, she has never done anything to bother me or try to prove her "position" in his life. mr.d will sometimes refer to her as baby, which drives a stick through my heart, its not a endearing baby, more like a "hey baaaby", but he also calls me baby (different tone) and it irks me. I refer to my guy friends as hun or sweetie sometimes, so I know that its nothing. Him and I are very similar in our relationships with the opposite sex. I have very close guy friends that from the outside seem "inappropriate" but its all innocent.

The only time Mindy is an issue for me is when other people get into my head. A few weeks after we started dating, mr.d and mindy went on a trip to new orleans. This was a pre-planned trip, they are both HUGE sports freaks and were going to a football game. They went down there for 5 days. mr.d waiting until the week of to finally book his flight and the hotel. He booked a room for them, with only 1 queen size bed, and said he would see what he could do once he got there. I was feeling weird about the trip and them sharing a hotel room. I heard from him the first night he got there, he text me till 4am, and said he got an upgrade to a room with 2 beds. Then I didn't hear from him till sunday, when Mindy text me that he lost his phone.

Of course, alllllll my insecurites came floating up and I was freaking out. He came back on a monday and was supposed to come over (around 10pm), he had no phone so i had no way to reach him. At 11:30 he calls and said he was exhausted and wasnt coming over. I, of course, flipped my shit. He ended up coming over on tuesday and we talked for hours, abotu everything, the trip, him not coming over, my fears, worries, etc.

Since that conversation, things have been amazing. He has been (and always has) so sweet and attentive. Tells me he misses me all the time. He makes sure we have plans to see each other again. I am so calm and chill about it all. Take tonight, he has a few friends in town this weekend and really wanted me to come out tonight, but I didn't feel like going into the city tonight as I am going there tomorrow and I have to work on sunday, so I wanted one night at home. They wanted to go to a comedy club tonight or tomorrow, I told him that tomorrow I want to make it an early night. He agreed and so he is out, drinking, having a good time, and I am at home blogging. No problem, no worries, no insecurites, no freaking out. No obsess texting, either!

Is this what a healthy relationship is like??

A new beginning

2009-10-24T16:09:00.002-04:00

Hello blogging world! I have missed you.

I know that no one is reading this miserable blog anymore but just in case there are some people who check in from time to time, I figured it was time for an update.

Life has changed... a lot.

I have lost almost 30 lbs, hope to lose another 20.

I am still at my job, and once again looking for a new one.. haha. I am not doing a serious search, but the last 8 months at my job I have realized that it is not the right place for me in the long term. I will not leave unless I find the PERFECT job. One that I know will be the right choice... could be next month or next year.

I am dating someone... and that is the one thing that freaks me out the most. It has only been about a month. Mr. D is amazing, sexy, gorgeous, funny, normal, just perfect for me... only if he was not a republican and a smoker. Haha. It has been going great. I have allowed him to pursue me, which is so unlike me, I am usually chasing the guy down to hang out and make a commitment. But not with Mr. D . He shows interest and he lets me know he misses me and wants to see me. He makes plans to see me. He has introduced me to everyone in his life. He, unfortunately, has not met anyone in my life, but that is due to him living in the city and my whole world living on long island. We are having a great time and I have had a few freak out moments. I didn't know how scared I am of being in a relationship until Mr. D decided to make it known on facebook that we are in a relationship. Haha. I was stunned when he did that, I even called my friends and told them it was toooo public. It isn't, we have talked and we are in a relationship. I am just so scared of getting hurt, of letting someone in.

I have been re-reading my blog from the beginning and it has been so enlightening. I was really messed up for a while and I let my "love" for music man to get in the way of my love of myself. I love me a lot these days and I am pretty protective of myself now. I am letting things move slowly with mr.d ...sorta. we did have sex after we talked about us being together seriously.

Only pressure is from my friends and family, they have not even met him and they comment to me that they "hear wedding bells". It is not what I want to hear, everyone was so negative when Music Man and I moved so quickly, yet these same people are asking me if i see myself marrying mr.d after 1 month. No, I do not see myself marrying him yet. I have only been with him a month!

So that is the short version of what I have been doing these last few months.

if there is anyone still out there.. say hello!

Turning the page

2009-05-21T21:05:00.003-04:00

Life has been changing for me.... I have been growing more and more as a person. I look back at the last 5 years and am amazed at all I have been through and all that I have the future holds for me.

Life has been good and difficult at times, but I have held a focus on seeing the bigger picture. I have been working at finding success in my life.

First area I needed to work on (after having to find a job) was to get my health in order. At my job, within the first 5 months I gained around 10 lbs. UGH! Last summer I was complaining about my weight as it was, now I added on another 10lb. Great.

I joined a gym, but didn't go for the first month. Then I stepped on a scale at my friend's house and BAM.... almost passed out when I saw the number. That week I started at the gym, then the next week I joined Weight Watchers. It has been almost 7 weeks and I am proud to say that I have lost 14.8 POUNDS!! GO ME! I have about 30 more to go before I hit goal. I am sooo very excited.

I work out 5 days a week, and am working really hard at getting my life together in all aspects.

Work has been great, I really love my job.

Family is good, my sister and BIL are really having a hard time, so I am trying to help them out as much as I can. My sister had surgery today too, so now she has to physically heal in addition to all that they are already dealing with.

Prayers for my family

2009-03-11T22:15:00.003-04:00

My sister's house burned down.

A few days before that, her husband was laid off. Her birthday was a week before. They decided to go out for a few hours and pick up their son from school. As they pulled into the driveway they saw smoke coming from their house. Their 5 month old puppy was in her crate, in the house. They tried to get in the house to get her, but the smoke and heat was too much. My Brother-in-law cut open his hand breaking the windows. They couldn't save her. I was at work when I got the call. I got in my car immediately and drove the 3 hours to get to her, in the snow. As soon as I had my sister in my arms, she broke down. The people in her in laws house had tears rolling down her face as my sister bawled in my arms.

Later that night, when our dad and brothers got up there, we (not my sister or her husband) entered their house. The structure was still there, but that was it. I have never seen anything like I did that night. It was black and charred, the smell was intense. You couldn't recognize anything. The TV was a shell of plastic and metal. The couch was reduced to a wooden frame. The floor... was 6 inches of muck. The pictures on the wall were gone. Miraculously, her wedding albums weren't touched.

They lost everything... all they had were the clothes on their backs. My poor 4 year old nephew lost everything material in his world. How do you explain to a 4 year old that he can't sleep in his bed? That he has no toys to play with? That is "sister"/puppy is gone? It breaks my heart.

Since then, I have been amazed by the generosity out there. People near and far willing to help out. People willing to donate the very little money they have.

All I want is to see my sister smile again. To see her not feel so..... displaced.

She has always been my hero... all i can do is try to find as many people who can help her.

If you would like to donate, please send me an email at hopefulstarfish@gmail.com I will send you the Paypal link I have created for her.

Drama Seeker Reformed

2009-01-05T21:47:00.001-05:00

My whole life I have been a drama seeker. I have also been in severe denial about what I was. I am proud to say that I am in recovery.. finally. I come from a family of drama seekers, I never knew there was a different way of being. I lived years of drama... years spent working myself up into a madness. There were the childhood years of tantrums and stubbornness. The early teenage years of angst and boy drama and personal drama... The last 7 years of more boy drama, friend drama, family drama.

Just looking at my posts from the last 3 years are one drama filled post after another. How EXHAUSTING!!! Seriously?!?! People told me I was dramatic that I blew every situation out of proportion. Ex's told me I needed attention and was way too dramatic about things that were not important.

The last 6 months I feel like I have been in drama therapy. I cannot tell you how or when it happened. But all of a sudden, I was able to see the how ridiculous I was being. For example, with FL, when he didn't call or didn't want to see me.. I would make a HUGE deal out of it. Obsess over it... think about it constantly. I would say these things that I meant to evoke a response from him... dramatic.

Sometime in September, I noticed a difference in how I was FEELING about everything. It was like a light was turned on and I could finally see clearly. I used to have to talk myself out of doing dramatic things. Now I don't even have the urge and I am more aware of it in other people too. Take my mom for example.. the queen of drama. I used to argue and argue with her. Now I get it. She is dramatic.. I don't even pay attention to her... I let her make her big deal and don't respond. I have advised my sister who is going through a dramatic fight with her best friend to not be dramatic... and she is feeling so much better, her impulse was to be dramatic, as we always have been and it would have made the situation so much more stressful.

I can't say I am always be reformed, I can only hope so. I can only hope that I continue to not over react and let go of situations that are beyond my control.

2008-12-25T05:00:00.001-05:00

Merry Christmas to all! I hope everyone has an excellent christmas and gets everything you want.

Enjoy the time with your family and friends. I wish I could have a drink with every one of you who have been there with me over the years. This Christmas all I want is for everyone I love to be happy and healthy.

Love, Neenee

Scattergories Survery

2008-12-18T21:07:00.003-05:00

A
- Available: Yes....
- Age: 27 and loving it.
- Annoyance: stupid people.. people who are super high strung, not having tivo....
- Animal: Monkeys

B
- Beer: a good winter ale
- Birthday: October 30th
- Best Friend(s): My sister
- Body Part on opposite sex: butt, eyes and arms
- Best feeling in the world: cuddling with someone you care about
- Blind or Deaf: i really can't pick
- Best weather: warm, sunny and slight breeze.. perfect beach weather
- Been on stage?: yes
- Believe in Magic: yes
- Believe in Santa: yes

C
- Candy: anything sugary sweet
- Color(s): blue
- Chocolate/Vanilla: vanilla
- Chinese/Mexican: neither...
- Cake or pie: pie
- Continent to visit: Europe
- Cheese: i love so many... cheese is sooo yummy

D
- Day or Night: day I love the sun
- Dance in the rain: I have been known to do that

E
- Eyes: brown
- Everyone's got: needs
- Ever failed a class?: almost

F
- First thoughts waking up: what am I going to wear?
- Food: pizza

G
- Greatest Fear: death
- Goals: lose weight, fall in love
- Gum: not much a fan
- Get along with your parents?: yes... daddy's little girl.. and momma lives me most of the time.
- Good luck charm: Starfish

H
- Hair Color: brown
- Height: 5'2
- Happy: most of the time
- Holiday: christmas
- How do you want to die: never

I
- Ice Cream: banana
- Instrument: can't play any instruments.. but i find drummers incredibly sexy

J
- Jewelry: like it but dont wear it much.
- Job: Loving the one I have

K
- Kids: fun... I love my nieces and nephews.
- Kickboxing or karate: kickboxing - hopefully going to be able to fit it into my budget again in January.
- Keep a journal?: just this blog

L
- Love: is an amazing feeling
- Laughed so hard you cried: so many times

M
- Milk flavor: ewww... I HATE milk
- Movies: love them... but havent watched too many lately
- Motion sickness?: sometimes... in minivans
- McD’s or BK: neither... don't eat fast food

N
- Number of Siblings: 2 older brothers, 1 older sister, 2 younger sisters
- Number of Piercings: 1
- Number: 18

O
- One Wish: For my famly to find their ways

P
- Perfect Pizza: thin (but not too thin) and cheesy yummyness.

Q
- Quail: yuck

R
- Reasons to cry: anger, depression
- Radio Station: z100
- Roll your tongue in a circle? yes
- Ring size: which one?

S
- Song: right now I am loving Pink's new album
- Shoe size: 5.5/6
- Salad Dressing: olive oil and vinegar
- Sushi: so very yummy
- Slept outside: yes.. camping, sorta
- Skinny dipped?: haha. yes
- Shower daily?: yes.. every morning.
- Sing well?: not at all
- In the shower?: yes i sing in the shower and the car
- Strawberries/Blueberries: strawberries

T
- Tattoos?: 5
- Time for bed: preferably 9:30 during the week... otherwise my crohns flares up.
- Thunderstorms: love listening to them

U
- Unpredictable: not me.. i am pretty predictable

V
- Vacation spot: anywhere warm and sunny and tropical

W
- Weakness: boys.. although I am getting better at dealing with them
- Which one of your friends acts the most like you: don't think any of them
- Worst feeling: being let down or betrayed
- Wanted to be a model?: never
- Where do we go when we die?: somewhere beautiful
- Worst Weather?: windy

X
- X-Rays: have had a few
- Ex's: They are in the past

Y
-Year it is now: 2008
-Yellow: very pretty and sunny

Z
- Zoo animal: MONKEYS!

LAST PERSON WHO…
1. Slept in a bed beside you?: No idea...been that long
2. You went to the mall with?: Me, myself, & I
3. You went to dinner with?: the boys from work.
4. You talked to on the phone?: coworker
5. Made you laugh?: boys at work
6. Hugged you?: maybe my boss, maybe my dad.. its been a few days...
7. Said they loved you? my dad
8. Held your hand?: my niece
9. Spoke with?: talking to my sis via text.
10. You cried over?: i honestly cant think of the last time i cried over someone.. it would have to be Music Man... and that has been a LOOOOONG time...

Neenee the Stalker

2008-11-29T19:40:00.000-05:00

After my post the other day, I felt inspired to tell you about my crush, the boy I am trying to forget. I have delayed writing this because I was holding out hope that something would develop between us. But at this point I am pretty sure nothing will.

The day I interviewed for my job, back in September, I got on the train and to my pleasure there was this SMOKING HOT Conductor. Tall, beefy, gorgeous blue eyes... made me want to kiss him the moment our eyes met. I was feeling really great about the interview and thought, "here is an incentive to take the job, seeing this guy every day would be awesome".

The week I got the job, I took the train at the same time.. no Hot Conductor. The following Monday, I get on the train, and THERE he is. As hot as I remembered. Over the next few weeks we start chatting, he asks me so many questions and I learn things about him. Finally he asks my name and gently shakes my hand. One tuesday he tells me that his schedule is changing and he won't be working that line anymore. That he will be working out of brooklyn from now on. He gives me some details of his schedule and tells me that the following monday and tuesday will be his last days on that line. He tells me to make sure I am there. That monday I was there, we chatted a little, but I didn't have the nerve to give him my number. Tuesday comes, I am looking all cute, all prepared to hand him my card. I wait on the platform, and the doors open and no HC, he isn't anywhere. Another conductor comes through and I ask about my HC, he tells me he is no longer there.

I was so sad. I was pissed too, I should have given him my number on Monday!!! DAMN DAMN DAMN! Days go by and I cannot stop thinking about him. It is almost the end of October and I will be moving soon. I decide I have to do something. I know his schedule, sorta, on the weekends (because he told me). One Saturday, I get up at 7am and shower and get all dressed cute/casual and head to the Brooklyn station he is working from. I am not sure what train he will be on, but I know when his day starts. There are 2 options... so I buy tickets for BOTH trains. I go down to the first platform and pace up and down looking for him, no where to be found. I go upstairs and mill around, and start to head down to the next platform. I see that the train has just pulled in, as I walk down the stairs I see him (from the back) I freeze in my place, he steps onto the stairs and sees me.
A huge smile comes on his face, he touches my arm and says, "what are you doing HERE?"
me: "Oh, taking a train"
HC :"that is my train"
me:"oh yea? where you at?"
HC: "the front"

I head to his part of the train and wait. He comes in and starts chatting with me. He continues to come by and chat. Finally, we are getting a few stops away from my stop.
Side note: I made up a story about having to go see a friend.. I needed a destination!
When he comes by again I say, "hey, I said if I ever saw you again I would give you this" and I hand him my number.
HC, smiles, "Oh you will see me again" puts the card in his pocket.
Me, "oh yea? when?"
HC "today, when you come back, on the train"
Me, "oh, well i don't know when I am, I doubt that it will be the same train you are working."
HC, "hold on, be right back"
He disappears with another conductor. A few minutes later, there is a tap on my shoulder, he waves me over. He takes me into the little conductor office on the train and proceeds to tell exactly which trains will be coming through my stop. We chat more until my stop. He SEEMS really into me.
I wander around for a few hours and get back onto his train. I cutely ask him if he missed me and he responds with, "ohhh so much". We chat for a little while, he sits down next to me and tells me more about himself. At my stop, I tell him goodbye and he says see you later. I was really F-ing proud of myself that day. I have NEVER done anything like that before. Sure it was kinda stalkerish, but I felt like I had to DO something so that I didn't always wonder "what might have been".

One month later... no call. I have seen him since, not on purpose, it was on my way home from work. Now I know his tuesday/wednesday schedule, because he made a point of telling me. He mentioned he has been very busy, he works 7 days a week. I commented like, "no worries, you could have just said you weren't interested or available", he laughed and said, "no its not like that" but didn't elaborate. I guess I wanted him to be into me that I read into our interactions. Now I am avoiding his train on Tuesday and Wednesday because I made a fool of myself. I just wish he had told me he wasn't interested. Maybe he is attached... either way I wish he had told me something.

Time for me

2008-11-26T19:41:00.003-05:00

I want to write, I need to write, but for the last month I haven't found the right words. Things are good in my neck of the woods, apartment good, job good, boys..well no boys, but that's good.

I have some stuff on my mind that I really want to get out, but right now I can't. I can't put it out there for anyone to read, not just yet. I hope one day I will be able to openly discuss it because it really helped me figure out something that I needed to figure out. For the longest time, my life has been about pleasing others. Sacrificing myself for someone else. Someone recently described me to someone else as the "type of person, who is reliable...to a fault, always there, who is the rug that you can walk all over, will always see the best of you". This person did not mean this is a bad way, she was actually defending me to someone. Recently, I have taken the stance in my personal and professional life that I am done with trying to please and help others to the point that what I need gets ignored. No more. If someone can't put any effort into me, I will not bother with them. I have done this at my job and it has made a difference. I have started applying it to my personal life as well. That boy I have a HUGE crush on? I have been TRYING to forget him, as he has had my number for a month and no calls. He loves to give me mixed signals when I see him, but he isn't giving me what I need so I am moving on.

It is Thanksgiving.. time for the grateful post.
I am thankful for my family, no matter what they will always come first.
I am thankful that I have so much positive energy around me.
I am thankful for my friends who have been there through thick and thin.
I am thankful for hope.
I am thankful for my apartment.
I am thankful for my job.
I am thankful for the sun, the moon, the stars, the ocean.
I am thankful to feel alive.
I am thankful for all that this year has brought me.
I am thankful that THIS year I can honestly say I am happy.
I am thankful for honesty.
I am thankful that I haven't needed to take my Crohn's meds in 3 months.
I am thankful that I have taken control of my life.
I am proud of the person I am.
I am thankful for all the opportunities I have in front of me.
I am thankful for today.

Belated News

2008-10-31T19:11:00.005-04:00

Yesterday was my birthday! I am officially 27!!! WOOHOO!!!

What a difference 1 year makes!!!!! Last year, I was dreading my birthday, just wanted the day to pass with no celebration. This year, I was telling anyone who would listen that my birthday was coming, and then on my birthday, I told everyone! I was so happy, I had a great day. I am very excited about everything in my life.

I got the apartment I wanted and I am moving tomorrow! I am so excited for it! I will not have internet until I get it all set up.. maybe be a few weeks.

I will be back... I might even have a boy to talk about (hopefully). That is IF he calls.. But I do want to tell you the story about how I met him.

I think some of you would be very proud of me.

Time to get boxes...

2008-10-15T21:12:00.002-04:00

I am moving again. My new job is on Long Island, it doesn't make sense to be spending the time and money on commuting, and paying so much in rent, when I could move closer to my job, pay less in rent and have very low commuting costs. Therefore, I am moving Nov. 1st. Where to, you ask? No clue. But haven't you learned that IS my way of doing things? I had to give notice, in order to get my deposit back. I needed my deposit back in order to afford to move. It is similar to the Chicken or the Egg debate (what came first?). Do I give notice and risk not having a place to live? Or do I find a place and risk not having enough money to even secure a place?? See my dilemma?

My whole life I moved around A LOT. By 5th grade, I had attended 8 elementary schools. It was just our way of life, we were poor, couldn't pay rent, got evicted and would move... again and again.

Apparently it is in my genes... because I realized last week that since 1998 I have had 13 "homes".. and by the end of this year it will be 14 homes.
1998 - Lived at home
1999 - Lived at college - Dorm #1
2000 - Lived at college - Dorm #2
2001 - Lived at college - Dorm #3
2002 - Summer, Lived with my Sister & Lived at college - Dorm #4
2003 - Moved to Arizona - apartment #1
2005 - Arizona - Apartment #2 & #3
2006 - Lived at My brothers & University Apartment
2007 - Brooklyn Apartment #1 & #2
2008 - Will be moving to LI.

Crazy right??? No wonder I am single... I OBVIOUSLY have issues committing to anything! Even if you want to take out the college years, that is still 7 apartments in 5 years!!!! I am hoping that this next move will be it for a few years. I am hoping I can settle down in a place and make a home for a while. I am tired of living in a temporary situation.

I am very excited for this next move, I have high hopes for it.

The Sweet Life

2008-10-04T19:06:00.004-04:00

I have been so busy that I have not had the time to write about my amazing new job.

It is for a small, quickly, GROWING company, for which I am the Office Manager. We rent out a particular machine to different types of events. The company is so unique and recognizable that I do not want to mention what type of machine it is.

Everyday is so much fun. I have been working a lot trying to get the office organized, as it has been without a person to be in charge of everything. The rest of employees are guys, which is such a different environment than the dating service. I am really loving learning the business. I can see myself working there for a long time. The interesting thing is everyone else that works there is either family or friends of the President. I am the "outsider" and they have been so welcoming and I truly believe if I do really really great I can stay with the company and grow with it for years to come.

I really enjoy going to work every day! It is the weekend and I am looking forward to Monday! How crazy is that???

It is so wonderful to have something purposeful to do every single day.

Tests

2008-10-04T18:59:00.000-04:00

Your result for The Perception Personality Image Test...

NFPC - The Artist

Nature, Foreground, Big Picture, and Color

You perceive the world with particular attention to nature. You focus on what's in front of you (the foreground) and how that fits into the larger picture. You are also particularly drawn towards the colors around you. Because of the value you place on nature, you tend to find comfort in more subdued settings and find energy in solitude. You like to deal directly with whatever comes your way without dealing with speculating possibilities or outcomes you can't control. You are in tune with all that is around you and understand your life as part of a larger whole. You are a down-to-earth person who enjoys going with the flow.

Take The Perception Personality Image Test at HelloQuizzy

Reviewed and Ripped Apart

2008-10-02T22:16:00.004-04:00

Check out my Review!

Wow... I needed that. A lot is true. Some isn't, but only because the whole story is not known. But for the most part, it was really nice to hear.

Now I am going to address what I was told that I need to do.

Music Man: I am over him, completely. I haven't gotten rid of some of his emails because they remind me to keep moving forward. (Yes seriously, even if it doesn't seem I am moving forward) I haven't spoke to him in over 6 months.. and never think about him. He only came up lately because I was reminded that it has been a year since we broke up and I was disappointed that I had not made the progress with other aspects of my life that I had wanted to.

Money/Jobs: It is easy to say to someone, "just get a job!" until you are out there applying for jobs and not seeing progress. Yes, I wrote here that I wanted a GREAT job, blah blah blah. But I WAS applying to EVERY job I could. In 3 months, I applied to over 305 jobs (at last count). I worked with recruiters, friends, family to find jobs. I made phone calls, sent emails, dropped off my resume to places. I did not just sleep all day. I spent the hours that I could do all that stuff and then slept. Oh, and about my job, yes I said I quit. yes, stupid thing to do in this economy. However, my employer hired someone to replace me, therefore I had no job. I said I would leave, before they could say I was fired. Either way, I was without a job.

Weight: I can't argue this point. I want to lose weight, I know what I need to do. Just not doing anything about it. But I don't eat badly, haven't since I lost my job. And I do walk.. I walked an hour a day at least every single day. I have lost 10lbs.

Ex-Boyfriend: Have seen him once in the last 4 months... haven't fucked him in the last 4 months. Yes, I had a romantic view of him when we first got hooked up again. But that cloud has cleared a LONG time ago.

Oh yea... I have been too busy to scream this from the rooftops...

I GOT A JOB.... TWO in FACT! AND THEY ARE PERFECT!!!

So alllllll my depressing bitching and whining for the last 3 months have led me to a really great full-time job and potentially great 2nd job. I could not be happier. I haven't felt this good about life in a long time. Things have finally come together in a way that I always knew they would. You see, after my last few posts, I was PISSED! Pissed at my situation and pissed that I PUT myself there. I was fed up with it and got myself out of the funk.

You don't like my affirmations? Sucks for you. Because they got me exactly where I wanted to be. You don't like that I rehash the past when I am depressed in order to shake myself out of it. Not my problem. I know what works for me. For me, looking at the SHIT I have been through wakes me up and gives me the kick in the ass I need.

The readers at AYSR got me all wrong, but it is not their fault, its the only thing I showed them. I assure you, I am not the whining, miserable, depressed, lazy, worthless person you saw.

Truth from a Liar

2008-09-21T15:52:00.003-04:00

I have kept most of Music Man's email for those days I need to be reminded of how I didn't trust my instincts and let someone break my heart. This particular email is very meaningful to me. He wrote it in July, right before my breaking point. It was the beginning of the end. Over the last year, since we ended, I have read it every few months. It gives me strength strangely. Reminds me of how good I am and that there was nothing I could to do to save that relationship. I deserve much better.

Can you believe it has been a year since we ended? This time last year we were seeing the therapist and had decided to "take a break" and I might have been ready to jump off the roof.

Neenee,
Where do I begin?
First of all you are right I am a liar.
I have deceived you with so many words that I cannot even say the
words "I'm sorry" without you feeling like they are a lie as well.
Even though I have lied to you with my words I swear to you and (you
know as well) that I have not lied to you with my feelings.
I have a problem which is this.
Deep down I rather live with myself (and my lies)
Than to dissapoint the people I love.
I told you I hadn't contacted her because I wanted to say my peace,
let the situation go and then tell you I handled it.
I honestly didn't want you to read the stuff I was going to write her
because I didn't want you to think i wanted to rekindle anything…
I just didn't want you to read the explicits and
get even more ideas in your head…
I cant believe that as much as I try to leave certain parts of my
past where they belong (in the past) they creep up their ugly heads
and piss all over me…which in turn splashes on you
because your right there next to me…
So you are right it does involve you..although I do wish it didn't
involved either one of us that is unfortunately not the case..
I am truly sorry for causing so much hurt in your heart..
I am a bastard.. and I feel like a hypocrite when I tell you I love
you (even though I mean it with all my heart I have a messed up way
of showing you)
Lately I haven't done a single positive thing for "us"
And all you continue to do is love me and forgive me…
You are the most amazing, strongest, devoted, talented, positive,
encouraging and most importantly HONEST woman I have ever
met in my entire life…
I really do not deserve you.. I feel like a charity case sometimes
because I am such a mess and you have your shit so together..
I swear to you all I want is to see you smile
but all I do is make you cry,…
I am sorry.
You have touched parts of me I never even knew existed.
I guess what I mean is you know me..the "real" me
which I hate… which is also not the person you fell in love with..
The Music Man you love is the person I can and want to be
…all the time.
I know I am capable of being that person I just need to get rid of
all the extra baggage full of crap..
You are the best thing in my life because you see the real me
…..which is the ugly, lying, depressed, moody, insecure Music Man.
You have seen the good, bad and ugly sides of me…
That isn't necessarily the best thing but as much as I tried to hide
those bad sides of me you "found" them.
The therapist said that I do not like myself for x reason(s) and you know she is right I don't .
I hate the fact that I can lie right to your face and in the same
breath tell you I love you.
And don't think I do it in hopes that youre not going to find out.. I
know damm well the truth always comes out..
especially around you…
You truly are brutally honest which I admire about you…
I lie most of the time to protect others..
at least that is what I tell myself, but the more
I think about it I lie to protect myself.
For the simple reason that I have no balls when it comes to meaning
what I say… words are easy to put out there
but impossible to take back..
Once again I am sorry… I don't want to lose you or us….
Ever. These last few weeks have been so stressful on us I really do
fear we are coming to an end…and that freaks me out..
I cant stand the thought of not kissing you good night
or kissing you goodbye in the morning…
or cuddling up next to you and monkey… Or kissing your
forehead to let you know I love you…
I can go on but I think you get the point…
there are so many "bad things" right now in our relationship
that will pass but there are also so many good things
that no matter what will always be there.
I really am sorry. I love you.