Fake Richard Branson

Bad news all around

noreply@blogger.com (Fake Richard Branson) — Wed, 05 Nov 2008 15:12:00 +0000

Unfortunately there's been bad news all around.

I was trying to break another world record, in this case sailing across the Atlantic on Virgin Money, when we got hit by a massive wave and had to stop. The boats going in for repairs, and the team will be trying again.

But the worst news recently is of my old friend Stevie Fossett. He once was lost, but now has been found. Unfortunately, only his mortal remains were left. My mate, my co-partner, and one of my best friends is gone. I miss you, Stevie.

Things will get better.

Warm regards,
Sir Dick

Breaking another record

noreply@blogger.com (Fake Richard Branson) — Wed, 22 Oct 2008 22:22:00 +0000

Hello, everyone. It's Sir Dick here, writing from on board my racing yacht in the middle of the cold Atlantic Ocean.

If you haven't heard the news, I'm sailing with Ben Ainslie and most of Britain's America's Cup team from New York to Britain to break another world record. Seas are rough, but that means we've got great wind to get us there fast. My kids are on board and are handling it well.

Sky News has a story up on me and the team here.

Look forward to writing about it more on the other side.

Warm regards,
Sir Dick

Look out world

noreply@blogger.com (Fake Richard Branson) — Sat, 26 Jul 2008 11:59:00 +0000

I'll be unveiling White Knight 2 (the carrier plan for my spaceship) on Monday! See how Virgin is pioneering our way into space.

Warm regards,
Sir Dick

Glastonbury

noreply@blogger.com (Fake Richard Branson) — Mon, 30 Jun 2008 10:00:00 +0000

To all the "haters" who didn't want to see Jay-Z at Glastonbury, I say rubbish.

Glastonbury celebrates great music and though it's not rock, Jay-Z is one hell of a writer and performer. Well done to him. If Virgin Radio didn't get an interview with him I may have to have some words...

Warm regards,
Sir Dick

The London Marathon - now sponsored by Virgin!

noreply@blogger.com (Fake Richard Branson) — Fri, 16 May 2008 18:39:00 +0000

I'm proud that I can finally talk about this deal now.

From 2010, Virgin Money will be sponsoring the legendary London Marathon. That year will be the 30th anniversary of the race. Since its founding runners in the London Marathon have raised over £400 million for charity, and last year alone raised £46.5 million.

There's only one problem with this deal... I know that I'm going to have to end up running it! More on that later.

We are proud to be part of the London Marathon and look forward to raising more money for worthy causes.

Warm regards,
Sir Dick

Trying this out

noreply@blogger.com (Fake Richard Branson) — Tue, 15 Apr 2008 23:33:00 +0000

So one of my advisors told me that hip people in the States are using this "Twitter" thing.

So if you'd like to, check me out here:

http://www.twitter.com/sirdickbranson

Warm regards,
Sir Dick

BA and T5

noreply@blogger.com (Fake Richard Branson) — Tue, 15 Apr 2008 23:32:00 +0000

Wow, British Airways stinks. They (highly unsuccessfully) tried to shut Sir Dick down a while back and failed.

Now they opened up this (supposedly) fantastic new terminal that was going to be the best thing to happen to British aviation and London's Heathrow Airport. WRONG.

They failed there, too, and thousands of bags went missing.

Lesson learned? Fly Virgin.

Warm regards,
Sir Dick

Rocket Man

noreply@blogger.com (Fake Richard Branson) — Mon, 17 Mar 2008 20:14:00 +0000

So I announced this ages ago, but thought it might be nice to post it here, too. My spaceship company, Virgin Galactic, unveiled the world's first tourist spaceship. SpaceShipTwo and WhiteKnightTwo were a huge hit, and we're getting more and more paying passengers reserving spots on our waiting list.

Check me out with the model here... and before you ask, yes, I was feeling a little constipated.

Warm regards,
Sir Dick

I'm just thinking out loud here

noreply@blogger.com (Fake Richard Branson) — Wed, 06 Feb 2008 00:07:00 +0000

Everyone I meet back in the States is all about the Oscars. But lets face it, while some films are good, most are complete rubbish because the studios don't care about quality, they only care about international DVD sales.

Perhaps Virgin should get into the film business. If Steve, David, and the other guy could start Dreamworks, I could surely start Virgin Films. With Pinewood studios here in London doing their big building spree to model the world in the space of an ASDA car park, there is certainly an opportunity to produce a number of them locally.

Thoughts? I think I'll bring it up with my advisors tomorrow...

Warm regards,
Sir Dick

Argh

noreply@blogger.com (Fake Richard Branson) — Tue, 15 Jan 2008 16:28:00 +0000

Sometimes the Government really irritates me. Now they're getting in my way of taking over Northern Rock. Which means that Northern Rock customers will receive poorer service for higher prices, instead of great Virgin service at great Virgin prices. My American friends say they've got a term for this... cock-blocking.

Warm regards,
Sir Dick

Nothing but the best

noreply@blogger.com (Fake Richard Branson) — Mon, 03 Dec 2007 17:40:00 +0000

You may have read that I'm selling my Virgin Active chain of fitness centres. I recently concurred with my advisor's recommendation to have Goldman Sachs lead the banking end of the deal. They're top-tier bankers. Until I manage to get around to starting my own Investment Bank, they're the ones I prefer to deal with for my deals. Nothing but the best for my companies. (Especially when the cash is coming back to me!)

Bob Rubin was the Treasury Secretary during Bill Clinton's administration, and he's one of the legendary GS lads... so I figure I can't go wrong.

Warm regards,
Sir Dick

Northern Rock, part 2...

noreply@blogger.com (Fake Richard Branson) — Tue, 27 Nov 2007 12:06:00 +0000

You've all probably heard the news by now... Virgin is the preferred buyer of Northern Rock. As I wrote nearly a month ago, "Virgin's coming."

There are plenty of things that could still potentially go wrong, but Virgin's committed to turning Northern Rock around without firing everyone and ruining the business or industry.

We're still debating how to brand the business... I've been a fan of Virgin Rocks, but my advisors say there might be confusion about whether that would refer to Rock-and-Roll, my upcoming line of stores for geologists, or just a statement of the obvious.

I'll keep you all updated on progress. Now back to my conference in paradise...

Warm regards,
Sir Dick

Conference

noreply@blogger.com (Fake Richard Branson) — Mon, 26 Nov 2007 11:37:00 +0000

Hello, everyone. For the Americans out there, I hope you had a good Thanksgiving holiday. (Remember you can work those extra calories off at Virgin Active!)

I was trying to keep this quiet, but some jackass posted about it on the internet, so I can't any longer.

I'm hosting a very exclusive conference for CEO's at my Necker Island paradise. It's a time where I can get a group of high-powered visionaries like myself around my big dining room table and talk about important stuff. Unfortunately, so many of these other CEOs came from consulting backgrounds, so they don't actually know how to do anything. They're great on the vision thing, but most have no idea how their products or companies work. Oh, well... that's what I'm there for, to teach them about real people.

Anyway, I'll try to keep you updated on details, but no guarantees.

Warm regards,
Sir Dick

Still waiting...

noreply@blogger.com (Fake Richard Branson) — Tue, 20 Nov 2007 16:14:00 +0000

As I mentioned to the reporter here, while I've got a few of the big new Airbus planes on order, they're not really big enough. I'm trying to press them to build their 900-seat version of the plane as quickly as they can.

You may start criticising me saying, "Whoa, Sir Dick, isn't that contributing to even MORE global warming??"

NO.

People are going to fly where they want to fly. But I can tell you for sure that one 900-person airplane flight from London to San Francisco uses up less fuel (and creates less CO2) than two 450-person airplane flights on the same route. So by using these huge planes on key routes, we are actually reducing environmental damage.

Or at least that's what my advisors are telling me....

Warm regards,
Sir Dick

You're welcome, America

noreply@blogger.com (Fake Richard Branson) — Wed, 14 Nov 2007 11:16:00 +0000

I've done a good job promoting Virgin America. We got some good photos with Kyla (the fit bird that Southwest wouldn't let fly), I had a good interview with another beautiful young lass, and I got into a water fight with Stephen Colbert that made for some good publicity.

So you know about Virgin America now, but how can I get you all to really want to fly on my airline? Easy... incredibly cheap ticket prices!

Go to virginamerica.com and click on "Priced to Fly." These are the kind of deals you'll be getting:

$39 one-way between San Francisco and Los Angeles
$39 one-way between San Francisco and Las Vegas
$119 one-way between Washington, D.C. and San Francisco
$39 one-way between San Francisco and San Diego
$109 one-way between Washington, D.C. and Los Angeles
$129 one-way between New York and San Francisco

I'm sorry if you don't live or need to go to one of those cities... we're still working on the rest of your country.

But for those of you that fly those routes... you're welcome.

Warm regards,
Sir Dick

This guy is a twat

noreply@blogger.com (Fake Richard Branson) — Mon, 12 Nov 2007 15:42:00 +0000

This guy's website is using his 5-day stay at my little paradise to help convince you to listen to his "podcast."

What a twat.

Warm regards,
Sir Dick

Another fan

noreply@blogger.com (Fake Richard Branson) — Fri, 09 Nov 2007 08:59:00 +0000

So I guess that TED conference was a great thing to do. Of course, I did get the full 30-minute interview, instead of the 18-minute talk that the normal speakers get. But then again, I'm more of a successful businessman than 99% of the people invited to that conference, anyway.

Here's yet another fan post about my TED interview. The best quote:

Due to his high-flying accomplishments and his success as the chairman of Virgin Group Ltd., he is invariably asked all sorts of questions about business and his life, and he responds humbly and happily, with honesty, integrity, wit and enthusiasm. His agenda appears rooted simply in being genuine, open, friendly and helpful. Bravo!

Cheers, Roger. I appreciate it.

Warm regards,
Sir Dick

I miss Stevie

noreply@blogger.com (Fake Richard Branson) — Thu, 08 Nov 2007 11:41:00 +0000

That's it... I was just thinking about him again today. I miss my mate. My last post about him is still the way I feel.

Ahhh.... University

noreply@blogger.com (Fake Richard Branson) — Wed, 07 Nov 2007 10:21:00 +0000

I never went to University... I was too busy starting businesses to "learn" how to start businesses from professors who had never done it themselves. It's always better to just jump in and do it instead of wading around thinking about it.

That said, Universities are still valuable for 90% of the population. (If you're really clever, look me up and one of my Virgin companies will sort you out with a job.) I just opened a big new arts, design and technology centre at the University of Derby. As always, using the Virgin style:

From the BBC:

He turned up in a red open-topped racing car to be met by two Virgin Atlantic air hostesses.

We need all of the home-grown British talent we can get in my Virgin Group of companies, and Derby will be an important part of that. Planes and Trains are key pillars to Virgin, and they're big pillars in Derby.

Good luck to all the students, and look me up when you graduate.

Warm regards,
Sir Dick

Virgin Active

noreply@blogger.com (Fake Richard Branson) — Tue, 06 Nov 2007 15:53:00 +0000

I'm sure you've all heard the reports by now that we're trying to sell Virgin Active for about a billion pounds. Yep, it's true.

I really enjoyed building Virgin Active. We made a huge purchase last year of the chain "Holmes Place." They were a rather poor chain that didn't inspire any vibrancy. We re-branded them as Virgin Active, made some key upgrades here and there, and now the whole businesses is going quite well.

I viewed my investment here as rather strategic. How else do you think we keep our flight attendants fit and looking like this?

I have to spend some time each week at Virgin Active to keep myself as fit as I am. Well, only when I'm in London. When I'm in paradise my fitness just takes care of itself.

Warm regards,
Sir Dick

Spice Girls... all grown up now, but still fit

noreply@blogger.com (Fake Richard Branson) — Mon, 05 Nov 2007 12:03:00 +0000

So the Spice Girls are back together and going on tour.

Virgin Records were very proud to be a part of their career getting started, signing them to the label over 10 years ago. (Though looking back we're frankly a little embarassed... call it "90's excess".)

For a group to go on tour these days, they go by plane, and I was happy to arrange for the girls free flights on Virgin Atlantic.

"Why free?" you may ask. Well, free puts us in the newspapers and celebrity television shows, which makes it worth the cost. Not only that, but it shows some of our usual first-class passengers the kind of style and charisma we expect of people in the first-class cabin. Plus, some of our standard Virgin Atlantic passengers will now be able to say they flew with Posh... needless to say, they'll never leave Virgin for BA after that!

So, good on you, girls. I look forward to seeing you in concert, though I'll probably just watch from backstage. (It's always better than the mosh pit at the front.)

Warm regards,
Sir Dick

Long week for Sir Dick

noreply@blogger.com (Fake Richard Branson) — Fri, 02 Nov 2007 13:45:00 +0000

It's been quite a long week for Sir Dick. My advisors had me running all over the globe; from London to Jamaica, and in and out of meetings.

Now, I don't do traditional meetings. I start to fidget, my mind drifts to the new business I could start that would eliminate all meetings (still in progress), and more. My advisors found out long ago that I was useless in meetings if five or more people were there.

I do meetings one-on-one, or perhaps two-on-one or three-on-one. (To be fair, that's not the only threesomes or foursomes I've had, but that's a post for another day.) I can get my ideas and my concerns out there much more quickly, and move on to the next business I want to start. It's much easier for my people, and it's much easier for me.

Hopefully I'll be able to let you know about what happened during this weeks' meetings next week, when I introduce November's suite of new Virgin companies.

Warm regards,
Sir Dick

A proper introduction

noreply@blogger.com (Fake Richard Branson) — Thu, 01 Nov 2007 11:26:00 +0000

Virgin Atlantic recently started service to Kingston, Jamaica.

From the wire report:

Sir Richard Branson greeted the inaugural Virgin Atlantic flight from London into the Jamaican capital.
The entrepreneur was joined by two bikini-clad local models to welcome the aircraft's arrival in Kingston.
He chatted with local media as the first passengers disembarked to the sound of a steel drum band.

What they didn't mention was that those particularly lovely ladies weren't just models, they were also looking to work as flight attendants for the airline. I'm always on the lookout for talent, and boy did those girls have it!

My apologies for not having photos, you'll just have to take my Virgin word on it.

Warm regards,
Sir Dick

Drunken Pilots

noreply@blogger.com (Fake Richard Branson) — Mon, 29 Oct 2007 09:25:00 +0000

You may have heard from the BBC here that one of my pilots on Virgin Atlantic was arrested for being drunk just before the flight was going to take off to Miami.

This is wholly unacceptable. Per company policy, we removed the entire flight crew and replaced them all. It was before noon! We never allow pilots to drink on the flight deck before noon; that's just a sign of alcoholism.

That said, Virgin hires flight crew with style. It's the way we keep the Virgin brand alive. We hire the fittest birds (and blokes, for that matter) as flight attendants, and only the best pilots and biggest party animals for the flight deck. Sometimes this kind of thing happens.

Warm regards,
Sir Dick

Dealing with Critics - Jim Cramer is an arse

noreply@blogger.com (Fake Richard Branson) — Fri, 26 Oct 2007 10:45:00 +0000

So on Jim Cramer's website you can find this nugget of business wisdom:

No! I don't like him [Virgin President Richard Branson] , I don't like his stocks. ... This guy, Branson, he may be cool. The babes may like him. But in my department, the money department, stay away.

Well, first of all at least he does recognise my success with style and women. But he clearly doesn't know what he's talking about with money.

And I'm not the only one to think so... my advisors pointed me to this website of the CXO Advisory Group. They said:

In summary, Jim Cramer's stock market calls since May 2000 have low consistency and average accuracy.

In other words, it's really not a huge surprise that a standard Wall Street guy wouldn't like me. While he probably worked very hard for his University degree, did his time doing analysis of business and all the rest (rarely getting a shag), he really hasn't done anything with his life. Of course he'd be jealous of the billionaire that skipped University, actually built businesses from the ground up and ran them. Jim Cramer just doesn't understand reality. Oh, well.... too bad for him. He's just telling people to stay away from very profitable growing businesses!

Maybe if he apologises I'll introduce him to some of Virgin's flight attendants.

Warm regards,
Sir Dick