Fake things that didn't happen to me.

2010-09-09T10:08:00.000-07:00

I'm a big fan of the Netflix "Watch Instantly" feature, especially as I can stream the movies to my Tivo and watch them on my tv. It's a great way to catch those movies that I *kinda* wanted to see, but would never pay for. Movies like "G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra"

When I first heard about this movie I knew it would be terrible, and the reviews indicated I was correct. This weekend it showed up in new releases, and I took the opportunity. I mean, its a dumb action movie produced by Hasbro - how could I resist?

First off, G.I Joe was perhaps the most violent movie I've ever seen where no one ever swears. Really, not once. Lady Jane shot people in the head with explosive crossbow bolts at least five times, and no one ever even said "damn". The Baroness killed more people than Rambo but at least she isn't a potty-mouth.

It gets better! Did you ever see "Team America: World Police"? The South Park guys made a movie satirizing action blockbusters, in which the heroes blew up huge parts of Paris and killed many bystanders trying unsuccessfully to stop terrorists from blowing up the Eiffel Tower. G.I. Joe had the exact same scene! They ripped off a parody of a violent action film in a super violent action film based a cartoon based on a toy line. Bra-vo!

The thing is, if you turned off the sound, the movie wasn't that bad... ok, it was garbage, but it was exciting, well made garbage. Really, only a couple of things made the movie terrible; first was the excruciating dialog (yep they really used the "... And knowing is half the battle!" line), and the second is physics.

Physics in Sci-fi movies is always a bit of a sore spot, but hear me out. If you make a movie where you have, say, a time machine I don't hold it against you that you don't explain how it works. It's needed for the story, and it's inclusion does not radically alter the world in which we live. Fine. However if you say that it's a world where steam engines don't work, I call bullshit. If liquids no longer expand when turning into gas, the the whole world no longer works! Does water vapor have the same density as water? Is there no such thing as water vapor? How does the ecosystem work? How does life even exist? Fooey!

G.I. Joe has lots of these problems, but I'll give you the one that almost killed me. When Cobra activated the self destruct on their arctic submarine base, did the base, say, overload its reactor? Did they detonate all their munitions? Flood the base with acid? Nope! They blew up the icepack overhead causing the ice to sink down and crush the base.

I'll let you think about that for a minute.

Wha? Ice... sinks? well, then why has it up there in the first place? Is the only thing keeping ice at the top of the ocean it's contact with the shore and structural rigidity? Do icebergs have air pockets or something?

Every time I see a movie or read a book with this type of thing it makes my blood boil. I'm not sure if it's just lazy writing, or if the writer simply has no idea how the world works. In a book I hate it, but a book is usually a single persons work, so its possible that they have a spot of ignorance, but in a movie? That scene went through the hands of maybe a hundred people before it was released, and no one pointed this out. Hollywood does this all the time and it always irks me. The worst example I've heard of is that there is a movie in production where the earth stops rotating, so gravity disappears. The whole movie involves the protagonist trying to get across town to rescue his daughter from flying off the world. Gaah! So.. Many... Things... Wrong! If I knew the screenwriter of this thing, I'd never stop choking them. I'd gladly do the jail time!

Man, I gotta stop it with the energy drinks.

2010-07-22T08:36:00.000-07:00

I love my iPad so much that if I lived in a more liberal country I would marry it. Since I bought it (on launch day) I've read at least ten books on it, used it to watch a TV show or movie at least once a day, and have spent so much time playing its games that I'm beginning to feel guilty bringing it to work.

Someone recently asked me if I recommended purchasing one. Thing is, I'm not sure. I love mine like my arm, but as a practical purchase, I'm not sure it's worth the money. I guess the answer is this: if you have $500-$700 to spend on a toy an iPad is a no brainer. As a productivity tool, an iPad is about as effective as a kitten.

2010-06-14T08:07:00.000-07:00

A couple of friends of mine threw a Thanksgiving dinner on Saturday. A great time was had by all, and it lead me to the thought that there are many holidays that are not located in the best times of the year. I mean, its just over 3 months from November 11th (Veterans day) to February 15 (Washington's birthday), and yet there are six holidays during that time. The whole rest of the year only has four. That's 60% of our national days off where a cookout at the park is out of the question.

I offer no real solution for this problem, but it deserves further study.

2010-06-08T07:50:00.000-07:00

Spring is finally here in Seattle, and with it comes allergies. I never had any problem with pollen and such ilk when I was young, but I am now subject to their evil machinations. It used to be that I could get effective medication at the store, but due to some damn meth-heads the good stuff is locked away behind the counter at the pharmacy. Every time I buy a box, they check my id and put my name on a list. I'm not sure I like being on the "suspected drug kingpin" list.

2010-06-04T08:01:00.001-07:00

I've been reading about classic mixed drinks, and I'm ashamed at how many I've never tasted. I'm going to make a list of drinks that I've never tried, and every time I'm at a bar I'm going to order at least one drink from that list.

2010-06-01T15:00:00.001-07:00

Man, cooks in the 60's had the right idea! I've been experimenting with casseroles the last few weeks; nothing can be easier. Throw a vegetable in a dish with some cream of whatever soup, some onions or peppers, maybe some noodles or chicken, and bake. I've yet to come up with a combination that doesn't work. Next up, cream of shrimp and kale!

2010-05-28T07:45:00.000-07:00

Gaa! Walking in the rain is only romantic when you are walking toward, away from, or with a love interest. Walking alone in the rain is just unpleasant. Next time I'll try to feel a sense of ennui. That may make it more cinematic.

2010-05-27T08:36:00.000-07:00

I've been dieting the past three months, and it's going well. I have no problem sticking to my food plan, except when presented with an opportunity to cheat.

OK, that sounds bad. Let me explain; when I'm at home and it's time to create a meal I can make myself something nutritious and filling without feeling the urge to go out and get a burger or order a pizza. The problem is, when I go to the store I always end up buying at least one thing thing that kills my diet for the day. Now if I shopped only once a week that might not be a problem, but as I'm also trying to eat more fresh vegetables I end up presented with the opportunity to cheat more often. I'm thinking of trying home grocery delivery.

2010-05-26T08:43:00.001-07:00

Well, it's layoff day at work today. No word yet on who gets it in the neck, but the department head and a dude from human resources are set up in a disused office upstairs. The plan is that one of the managers is going to bring people up one at a time to find out if they should come in tomorrow. I don't know if there is a good way to lay someone off, but there sure are a lot of bad ones.

2009-01-16T13:29:00.000-08:00

Due to the snows over Christmas, our office holiday party was postponed until today. It was held in the mailroom of our off campus facility about a mile away and was to be only a hour long so I decided not to go, and instead covered the counter of one of the copy centers. The person who went in my stead was thoughtful enough to bring back a slice of cake.

Carrot Cake.

I'm not going to say that it was an insult to the pastries of the world to call this "cake", rather that it's a insult to the noble carrot to have its name sullied by being associated with this... abomination disguised as food.

I didn't care for it.

2009-01-14T11:07:00.000-08:00

I have a entirely reasonable hatred of bananas, I think we can all agree. I have been known to attack people who give me food with bananas secreted within, and I do not apologize for these attacks, as there are few things more despicable than trying to "trick" someone by adulterating their food. If I gave you a donut with a dead mouse filling, I think that you would have every right to punch me in the schnoz.

I have to admit, however, a weakness for one thing banana-ish; banana "flavored" Laffy Taffy. It's like hating crab but liking surimi "Sea Legs". I always feel so dirty after eating a piece.

2009-01-13T09:23:00.000-08:00

A co-worker of mine is going to the inauguration next week, and so we were looking at an article about the preparations DC is making for the crowds. Apparently there is going to be one port-a-potty per thousand expected attendants. Assuming that each visitor needs to use the restroom twice over a twelve hour period, a occupant must "do their business" in 21.58 seconds to keep things on schedule. Inauguration is no time for number twos it seems.

2009-01-12T08:43:00.000-08:00

I was talking to my mother about retirement. It was her birthday this Saturday (happy birthday mom!) and so we talked about getting old, and all the fun things ageing entails. She said that she was worried that she would not be "good" at retirement. Think about that. What has my family done to this poor woman that relaxation and idleness seems so impossible? I'm glad for the recent financial Apocalypse; it may keep her working for a little longer.

2009-01-09T09:12:00.000-08:00

I dreamt last night that all the worlds children became cannibals and were chasing me around, like the worlds most adorable horror film. I cannot tell you how much I wish I were kidding.

2009-01-07T09:28:00.000-08:00

Merry New Year!

I've been, well not avoiding coffee, but not drinking it in the mornings for a while now, but this Christmas I got a bag of beans from my brother and thought "Hey, what I need for the new year is a new addiction." It's amazing how fast the monkey settles in to his old place between my shoulders.

2008-06-05T10:12:00.000-07:00

Got a haircut from my sister last night. Her kids are insane. The older one is in a play at school and was endlessly repeating his lines (he plays a cashew) while the younger one kept trying to go for a ride in the dryer, something his dad taught him. No grad school for that one.

2008-06-03T08:29:00.000-07:00

In 1997 the last Geo Metro rolled off the assembly line in Canada. It had a 55hp inline three cylinder engine, driver and passenger airbags and a four star safety rating.

The 2008 Smart car has a 70hp inline three cylinder engine, driver and passenger airbags and a four star safety rating.

The Smart car gets 33 city and 41 highway, and the Metro got 44 city and 49 highway. Oh, and the Metro had a back seat.

That's not a lot of progress for ten years of automotive design.

2008-05-28T09:21:00.000-07:00

Yeah, I know, it's been a while.

You know how life is not like it is in the movies? Well, it's our own fault. Every week something happens to me that I later realize was the screenwriter's attempt to get the plot moving, and I always seem to ignore it. For example, a few weeks ago I saw a homeless guy who had made the interesting sartorial choice of wearing what looked to be the torn and soiled remnants of a Biosafety Level 4 containment suit, with severed tubes dragging behind. His hair and beard were long and unkempt and he had what I can only describe as an... unsettling look in his eyes.

Just think of the rousing adventure fighting shadowy government operatives and saving the world from a manufactured plauge brought back in time from a dystopian future that I did not have by avoiding eye contact with this obvious plot hook.

2007-02-01T07:55:00.000-08:00

Arrrgh!

Boston police noticed that someone had placed lite-bright cartoon characters around town as a way to market an upcoming movie. Their response? They closed a highway and part of the Charles River and deployed bomb squads to disable them. Two men who did the installations are under arrest and charged with criminal making the authorities of Boston look like idiots.
Mayor Thomas Menino - It is outrageous, in a post 9/11 world, that a company would use this type of marketing scheme.

Is there anything - ANYTHING - that can't be linked to 9/11?

Best part? They had been there for three weeks. Way to stay on top of things Boston PD. You're lack of observational skills is more than made up for by your unbelievable over-reaction. Good job!

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/16921137/?GT1=9033

2007-01-24T10:58:00.000-08:00

Man, I want an oil burner.

Mercedes says it will start to roll out diesel vehicles (suv's to begin with) that meet the most stringent pollution regs in America (ie. those of California) in 2008. Honda says that their "clean" diesel will be an option on many of it's cars in 2009. Even GM has a big V8 low emissions diesel that they should begin offering that year (assuming that there still is a GM by then.) These cars should get mileage equivalent to hybrids in most driving conditions (not quite as good in city driving, better on the highway) and be quite a bit cheaper to buy. In addition, being diesels they can run forever, and not need to get periodic battery replacements like hybrids.

In the end, the real reason diesels are a better technology is their ability to run on biodiesel. One reason that some of the more innovative ways of creating biodiesel have had a hard time getting traction is that they are very capital intensive, and the market for consumer diesel is relatively small. As that market increases, these technologies start to make more economic sense, giving a boost to the research. Enough biodiesel could be made to put a dent in our oil imports which could give the US an opportunity to keep more of its money at home.

Ok, so lower trade deficit, less political pressure to engage with volatile regions and improved environmental standards aside, why do I want a diesel?

I want a car that smells like french fries.

2006-07-14T07:45:00.000-07:00

So I've got an ear-ache. No one over the age of four should ever get an ear-ache; it's just not the most manly type of ailment. I went to the drug store and asked the pharmacist what he recommended and he directed me to some ear drops. It wasn't till I was out of the store that I saw that they were "homeopathic". I went back in to return the small bottle of distilled water that the bastard sold to me for $12, and to give him a piece of my mind. "Just because it's homeopathic doesn't mean it does not work" he told me. Yes, that's exactly what it means. The only way this could help me is by the placebo effect, and since I know what "Homeopathic" means, then even that won't work. He might as well have told me to rub a penny on my ear and bury it under the light of the full moon.

2006-06-22T09:07:00.000-07:00

My brother got married.

2006-05-31T08:41:00.000-07:00

I found a new way to hurt my eyes last night! I downloaded a program that lets me put eBooks on my iPod; I think it's called iStrain. WooHoo! Blinding headaches await!

2006-05-18T07:52:00.000-07:00

Woo! My brother's bachelor party was last weekend and a good time was had by all and NOTHING SINFUL HAPPENED.

It's the anniversary of the Mt. St. Hellens eruption. My family was at the Fairchild air force base air show that day, and when we went to see the SR-71 the wing-wipers were prepping it for take off. My dad asked what was up, and we were told of the eruption. Apparently they had to get the thing out of there before the ash hit. We headed home, and since we were among first ones at the show to hear about the eruption, the roads were clear leading away from the airbase. The entrance road had a huge line of cars waiting to get in, so they were screwed once the word got out.

We lived way out in Spokane valley at the time, so we had quite a drive home. After a few minutes we saw a darkening in the sky far to the west, but as we drove it got closer and closer. The ash was just beginning to fall as we got home (we would have beat it home, but we stopped and got an ice cream cake at Baskin Robins on the way. Hey, it was a volcano, how many we gonna see? It deserved a bit of celebration.). It went from a bright day to a dark night while we watched. Dad started up our sprinkler system and that kept the ash from building up on out lawn. I remember in the weeks that followed that if you drove down our street you would see only one spot of color amid the gray landscape; our bright green lawn.

2006-05-04T11:53:00.000-07:00

Washington really blew it with the state quarter design. We went with Mt. Rainier and a salmon. Weee. There was a perfect opportunity to have a little fun with it by putting the state seal on the back, and since out state seal is an engraving of George Washington, we would have created a two headed coin. That would have been sweet.