1. “The <childless by choice> ‘trend’ ignores those who cannot afford to have children.” 

Bronson writes that when you can afford to have children and don’t have them that equals a childless “by choice” decision. Fair enough. But when women want children, can’t afford them so they don’t have them, well, that means they are childless not by their own choice. 

I disagree. They have made a choice, albeit likely a hard one, but a choice nonetheless. They want children. They realize they cannot afford to raise them so they make the responsible choice not to have them. So between option A: trying to raise a kid they can’t afford and B: not having a child at all, they choose B.  Plenty of people choose A. 

2. “The ‘trend’ ignores those who can’t have children because they waited too long to have a family.” 

Bronson claims that even with all the advances in fertility treatments and obstetrics, they haven’t fulfilled the promises to women in the 30s or even 40s when they are ready to have children. Seems like medical technology is doing pretty well to me –studies tell us that more women are having children later.   

But that is beside the point. No matter why she waited, the woman chose to wait. Option A: Wait until I finish with my education, am at x point in my career, etc. Option B: Have a child now when I am not ready.  She chooses Option A. She chooses to wait until she is ready. 

Even when she waits, undergoes fertility treatments and say they don’t work, does this mean she is stuck being childless not by choice? Yo how about adoption. She wants a baby. Option A: Remain childless (meaning she’d rather remain biologically childless than adopt). Option B: Adopt. 

Or what if it is a health issue such that being pregnant would be a risk? Option A: Take the risk. Option B: Pursue adoption. Option C: Do neither.

3. “The ‘trend’ ignores the fact that it isn’t always a ‘choice.’” 

Well by now you know my answer to this. Bronson indicates the trend does not take into consideration “obstacles” to childlessness –things like family finances, delay because of education or career, not having a spouse, or having to care for an elder parent.  Again, there may be obstacles, but that does not mean there is no longer a choice.  For Options not already listed: 

Option A: Have child when I find the right partner/spouse.  Option B: Raise a child myself. 

Option A: Have a child and try to be caregiver to my parent. Option B: Do not have a child, and be caregiver to my parent. Maybe even Option C:  Have a child and find another way to get care for my parent. 

 There are many reasons why people don’t have children. And the reasons involve choices every time. While the choices are not always easy, and less than perfect, they are choices nonetheless.  

Whether childless or childfree–you don’t have them even though you want/wanted them, or you don’t have them because you don’t want them-is the result of making a choice (s). Thinking we’ve not had a choice only serves to feel victim to a situation or circumstance.  It’s far more empowering to know that although it is a tough choice, you have the power to make it, for yourself, and in this case for a child, born or not. 

How do you weigh in?

This idea takes me to the issue of overpopulation. Some experts believe it’s driving many environmental issues and global warming. But other experts don’t agree.  There’s a range of expert positions. Let’s start with a most interesting one. Check out this video of Ted Rosling, Professor of International Health at Karolinska Institute in Sweden. Definitely worth the watch–

Rosling thinks the solution is investing in the alleviation of poverty and green technology.  One area that puzzles me is how he thinks that focusing on lowering infant mortality will somehow result in women having fewer babies. Birth control will result in fewer babies. Or does he think that if women know their babies will survive they will be more likely to use birth control thus have fewer babies?

Others start with family planning as the solution to planet woes. The Optimum Population Trust believes that good family planning in poor countries is the way to reduce the likelihood of “catastrophic global warming.” It has done a cost-benefit analysis, and claims that getting info and access to birth control in order to majorly reduce unwanted pregnancies is the cheapest way to reduce carbon emissions.

Others say no, forget population—it is not the problem. Take Fred Pearce, author of The Coming Population Crash. He says that because half the world is already at below-replacement birthrates, and those rates are still falling fast such that the world’s population will probably be shrinking within a generation.  He also predicts that the planet could have almost 9 billion people before population “bomb” will truly be diffused and we’ll see a population crash. He believes consumption is the problem to be solved so all of those people can live on the planet.

Two births per woman is considered a “replacement rate” for population. 125 out of 223 countries have above replacement birthrates, and 43/223 have double the replacement rate, with 4 or more children.  With these kind of numbers how can he predict that the population will be shrinking in a generation?

Ok then there’s the experts who believe the problem is the growing population and consumption. Robert Walker, the Executive Vice President of the Population Institute, is of this mindset. He believes that we’re already struggling to feed the almost 7 billion people that are here, and unless we “curb our consumption of fossil fuels and scarce minerals, the world is headed for an ecological and humanitarian disaster.”

Seems to me getting to an environmentally sustainable population is a stew of all these factors: Get better reproductive health services and family planning services to poor countries to get them closer to replacement rates; decrease consumption, not just here where we are already the biggest hogs, but in other countries who insist on becoming super consumers like us; invest in green technology to avoid climate change and keep it cheap so poor and developing countries can afford to use these green technologies.

But I still ask myself–what is the cutoff of the number of kids to have such that it will enhance the chances that they and others already here will live in a world that is sustainable?  Still more to learn on all of this, but seems a reasonable position is literal replacement–replace yourself and that’s it. You want more kids after that–adopt one of the growing millions who need a home.

What do you think?

Laura:Many childfree Christians have a hard time reconciling not having kids with their faith–you have. How? 

Quite simply, during my formative years no one ever told me that such a thing was wrong!  I attended church regularly from the time I was born, both of my grandfathers were ministers, my parents read me Bible stories and devotionals before bed every night, I went to a Christian school where I rigorously studied the entire Bible… I was completely immersed in Christianity, and yet I never saw anything in my Bible nor heard anything from the pulpit to convince me that there was something immoral about..

..not having children.

I should probably add that while I attended churches that some might describe as conservative and fundamentalist, they were fairly mainstream Protestant churches.  Individual opinions might have varied about birth control or family size, for example, but there was never a church mandate against birth control or a mandate to have children.  As such, my personal experience with mainstream Protestantism is undoubtedly vastly different from the experiences of my Roman Catholic sisters and brothers who hear the opposite message from their pope.

Even now that I have been exposed to Christians who believe there is something evil or rebellious about purposeful childlessness, I have still heard no compelling spiritual argument against it.  No one has been able to present to me clear, Biblical evidence that every (married) person must bear children.  Even “be fruitful and multiply” is considered by some scholars to be a blessing to humanity and not a command; but if it were a command… well, humanity has been fruitful and multiplied to the tune of about 6.7 billion.  I think we have fulfilled that directive.

Laura: How have you dealt with pressure from family, friends, and the church to have children?

I.Am.Free: I have always been a woman of my own mind, and I have been well-known for bucking societal trends in many areas, including my career, my marriage relationship, my gender role, my financial decisions, and so on.  Though some of my family and friends have given me a little flack about not having children, they have come to realize that I think carefully about everything I do and that I will do what I know is right, regardless of what anyone else has to say.  

Between that and about twenty years of me being matter-of-fact about not having children, most of my family and friends have seen no point in trying to change my mind.  As for the church, I have experienced no direct pressure to have children.  Whenever I do feel any indirect pressure, I focus on the relationship I have with God and the confidence I have that I am following the right path.  I also seek out churches that welcome people from all walks of life, and I would not hesitate to leave a church if I found it to be intolerant.

Laura: What advice would you give to other Christians who are struggling with being Christian and childfree (or who are wanting to be childfree)?

I.Am.Free: The first piece of advice I would give is to know what you believe and why.  Some of what is taught in church is not based on Scripture or even church history, but is completely the invention of some person who misinterpreted or added to the Bible.  Read the Bible for yourself.  Look at the historical and cultural context of what you read.  Question your church leaders.  Determine which aspects of your church’s teaching are from God, and which are nothing more than human tradition.

 The second piece of advice is to listen to what God is telling you.  I do not want to sound as if God is some sort of crystal ball or the great vending-machine-in-the-sky, but I do believe that when we are open and receptive, earnestly seeking God, and prayerful, that God does give us direction and a peace about what we should do.

Lastly, stand strong.  Doing the right thing is not always easy and often does not please others.  For heaven’s sake, I have even heard of Christian parents who tried to discourage their children from becoming missionaries!  But I think it will be difficult to be content unless you live the life to which you were called.

******

I.Am.Free: Thanks so much for your thoughts and insights. This topic needs to be talked about more to help those who may be struggling with being childfree and Christian.

So to you out there:  Let’s hear your thoughts.

From I.Am.Free re: online discussion: In my experience with the childfree community online, many are quick to criticize religious viewpoints.  I am certain that to the nonbeliever, much of what I have said about my faith will sound absolutely ridiculous, and I can appreciate that. While I am happy to answer any follow-up questions or make clarifications, I am not interested in defending my faith to anyone who is merely attempting to make me feel foolish. 

As some of my dear friends are atheists or agnostics, I have had plenty of time to engage in challenging philosophical discussions on the spiritual and to analyze my beliefs in the presence of great skepticism.  I welcome this, but I have found that it does not translate well into the online world.  I hope that discussion will not deteriorate into a debate about religion.

 Me—I’m especially interested in sharing with others your stories about being childfree and Christian!

First a few words from I.Am.Free:

 I want to thank Laura for inviting me to “co-blog” with her.  I have a great deal of respect for her, and I am grateful for her support of people who wish to be true to their faith while living a life without children.

 What I have to share is… 

..is coming from the perspective of a married Christian woman.  Unmarried people in the church certainly have their own challenges (such as being single in a pro-marriage environment!), but I do not feel qualified to address those.  And I may be wrong about this, but my observation is that unmarried Christians are given a “pass” for not having children (yet).  No one in the church seems to have a problem with singles, nuns, Jesus Christ, etc., not having children, but in the church — and the culture at large — there is an expectation that marriage leads to babies.  As such, much of what I am about to say pertains to married people who have chosen not to have children.

Laura: How did you come to decide you did not want children?

 I.Am.Free: I do not know if it was as much a decision as it was a realization.  I do not ever recall wanting to have children, but when I was a child I assumed it was just something that happened when a person grew up.  However, as I entered my teenage years, I began to dread the possibility of someday having children…the idea of pregnancy and childbirth, the thought of being around babies and small children.  But I remember my mother being quite open about how she used the Pill until she was ready to have me, and one day it struck me:  if you could use birth control to delay having children, why not keep using it so that you never had to have children at all?  This realization brought tremendous relief and clarity to me.  I simply knew that I would not have children.

Laura: What factors did you consider that relate to your faith in making this decision?

I.Am.Free: Because I was such an early articulator, I cannot say that my faith had any bearing on my initial decision.  At that time, it never crossed my mind that these things might be considered inconsistent or mutually exclusive.

However, as time passed, I discovered that not bearing children might actually be an expression of my faith.  The Bible is full of commands and reminders to care for the poor, the suffering, the orphans; and upon being deeply moved by stories of orphans and adoption, I began to feel as if God were calling me to be a voice for discarded young people, especially the older children who are less adoptable.  I felt compelled that IF I were ever to have children, it would be through the adoption of an older child.  I also realized that the cares of bearing my own children would only detract from my compassion, my drive, and my financial resources to care for others.  I set to work on sponsoring a couple of adolescent girls in other countries, offering financial and moral support for other people’s adoptions, and mentoring young adults through my profession.

Stay tuned for Part II right around the corner~

Still others say parents are more depressed than nonparents whether they’re single or married, whether they have one child or more. So why do parents say they are happy when the data say otherwise? New York Times Magazine’s All Joy No Fun: Why Parents Hate Parenting  by Jennifer Senior discusses why.

Daniel Gilbert, the Harvard psychologist and host of This Emotional Life on PBS, and author of Stumbling on Happiness thinks it’s because parents delude themselves into thinking it will make them happy. We have pronatalistic beliefs and values than run our society to thank for that.

But the reality is when the babies hit, satisfaction takes a hit. Psychologists W. Keith Campbell and Jean Twenge not only found that couples’ overall marital satisfaction went down if they had kids, but that parents’ dissatisfaction “only grew the more money they had, even though they had the purchasing power to buy more child care.” Why? Twenge thinks it’s because they become parents later in life. Because you lived without them for longer, you know more about what you gave  up. And waiting longer parents tend to romanticize what parenthood will be like, and when it lands in their life, they have a rude awakening.

The marriage also suffers. Satisfaction declines in cycles. It decreases when the baby is born, rises between the kids’ ages six and twelve, then dives again when the kids hit their teens. Disagreements increase, especially about the kids, the guy often feels neglected and experiences his wife as more demanding.

Why else would parenthood affect happiness? Senior talks about how children are long past being needed (pre urbanization) to now being a huge expense, and more  like  ”projects to be perfected.”  The kind of “concerted cultivation” this takes is a lot of work. 

Alex Barzvi, a professor of child and adolescent psychiatry at NYU medical school contends that parents these days spend lots of energy comparing themselves to other parents, their kids with others’ kids, and often concluding they’re doing the wrong thing.  Indeed,  getting caught up in this kind of self-judgment and criticism does not foster feelings of happiness.

And while having kids can deepen one’s emotional life, it also shrinks “your outer world to the size of a teacup, at least for awhile.” 

But it isn’t that bad for all parents. Interestingly, countries that have stronger social systems–paid maternity and paternity leave, subsidized childcare and free education and healthcare — “produce happier parents.” These countries make parenting easier, and easier parenting makes for happier parents.

But better social systems aren’t the key to happy parents. As Senior puts it, “purpose is happiness.” The process of parenting may not make parents happy these days, but being parents in the big picture–feeling an overall sense of meaning and reward from parenting, is the happiness parents are talking about when they say they are happy. 

But as the childfree know, parenthood is certainly not the only way to find meaning and purpose, thus happiness in life. It is just ONE way. 

What gives YOU you meaning and purpose in life? Let’s hear from you–comment or answer this month’s On-the-Ground question!