Family of 8 ... 4 kids here and 2 babies dancing joyfully in heaven, together

2019-12-03T12:23:00.001-07:00

It has been an eventful year! Take a look.....

https://ourjourneytonumber7.blogspot.com/

Suicide

2018-06-08T21:17:00.000-06:00

7 years ago I was at a rough point. Loss of twins puts you through the ringer. Feeling like you were gutted to have them removed from your womb is horrifying. Emotions run through your head as you try to process how you couldn’t protect your babies…. How you failed them. Demons rip apart your mind and pull you to their side. Facing the circumstances that tore your soul out, it is easy to follow him into the dark. It is a hole that feels real, more like home.

Weeks pass by. The sunrises but you never fully see it. The stars shine but they are gloomy, not sparkling. Soon, you are months out and aren’t sure how you got there. The couch now has an imprint. You clothes no longer fit from the constant stuffing of food into your body. You try to fill the void that was taken from you. You look around and seem to hate everyone. The realization that you can’t hide any more finally sneaks in, hits you like a brick wall.

Through the darkness, depression was strong. I felt worthless. The scars were an everyday reminder of suffering. Satan chose to cause my babies pain and steal them from me. Depression starts to get a little stronger. Then you find a path with a sign. The sign tells you all will be well if you take the first step. All it takes is the one step to run away. Guilt, heartache, anger, will disappear entirely from your veins. The sign is a big flashing neon one. At the bottom of it read, Suicide.

Suicide. Is that really the answer? Are my demons stronger that what I have to live for? Live with constant reminder that my womb failed as a protector? The answer is yes. Yes you can. I lived for the chance to see my husband grow old. My children bicker, all the time. Find the true humans they were brought here to be, by my womb that failed the others. Suicide is a nasty ending, a choice that shouldn’t exist. I felt it and I didn’t take my last step. I lived to tell my story so others with pain, have an outlet. We all need an outlet. Find yours and speak. Live for your loved ones. Don’t let them feel the pain of your last footprint. Your life means more than the demons.

Another view of our story

2017-07-12T10:01:00.000-06:00

My story is no different than yours. As years pass by, grief gets better but never fades. My spouses’ heartache is different than mine. Love feels stranded in the distance, out of reach. The other children feel hurt but don’t express it like you’ve hoped. Our rainbow baby doesn’t know his siblings existed. How do you tell him? Prayers are all talk and let’s face it, there are far too many to be answered around here. The depression is real. It lasts longer than we have been told. Many questions come and go but never seem to be fulfilled.

There are a few times a year that have become a new normal time to “celebrate”. The first day is the day of your death or delivery. You were 12 weeks old. I carried you for a week after you passed away, without even knowing. Every year as we lead up to April 27, 2011, the day we found out you passed away, I feel empty. That cursed day not one person has ever planned on celebrating. I will never know where to begin on telling people about you.

April 28, 2011 is the day we went to the hospital to have our D&C surgery. Our appointment was at 8am. Prepped and as ready as we could be, I was wheeled into the surgery room. Not knowing how nauseating it would be to sign the papers to leave you at the hospital to be buried with many other babies from that week. I regret not bringing you home to have a proper memorial. At that point, your father and I just wanted to be done with the day. Later we found out you didn’t pass alone, like we had thought. Your sibling was next to you, inside my womb. It was devastating to suffer through losing one baby and then to become aware of a twin……….

(From my husband’s view as the morning starts:

Waiting… the waiting room is horrible. My mother tries to make small talk, but I break down, can’t handle the weight. I lost it, completely. People watching me cry and blubber. My wife is being operated on, losing our child. The only thing I can think is that I love my wife and can’t lose her too. Wanting to be there, wanting to be holding her tight. Knowing the pain and hurt that she feels walking into this place. I try to be strong. My resolve fading, she makes it into the room, I ask God to take me. Bring the baby back, don’t let this be real. WAKE UP. But it is real, I know. Nothing I can do. No hope of recovery. Life HAS changed. She is strong. She makes me strong. And WE will survive. Nothing is harder, I hope you never know. But if you do, lean on each other, the only ones who know. )

The third, was your due date the 3^rd week of November. A date around your older sisters’ birthday. This day will be looked at as a deserted check on the kitchen calendar. It is now an empty date that will never be written on or circled in. This void space every year not knowing what you would have wanted is rough. The favorite toy of yours that sits on the shelf at the department store, that won’t be purchased. A voice at the table we can’t hear.

Lying on the couch, hurt you aren’t here any longer. I am angry at others for announcing their babies. Why should they get to keep their babies if ours died? It doesn’t make sense. Slowly this pain lingers in the dark night and you can look at another little creation the way you wanted to look at yours. Movies are painful to watch. Any little thing brings tears to your eyes, even 6 years later. Expect it. Expect to be angry at yourself. But, know it isn’t your fault. Your baby died while in your care but not because your love wasn’t there. The feeling of a baby and all your insides being ripped from your body in 30 minutes and then being sent on your way is excruciating.

I love you and I always will. Your view on the world we live in will always be pure. You didn’t know hurt, only love. You were carried with great intent that you would become someone special in this world. You have accomplished this, by far. I will never see the world as I did before. I have become a better human, mom. My life is better because you lived inside of me and never touched pain. Knowing I held you and kept you safe as long as possible is all I can hold in my broken heart.

Teenagers......

2015-09-03T16:45:00.001-06:00

With a teenager just starting High School, this has been a rough adjustment. I have to remind myself these few things.

We learn through failure.
You need to find out who you are.
You will ditch once but there will be a consequence.
Take every chance you can. They don't come very often.
We, as parents, have been there. We know what is coming next. (You can't trick us!)
You will get mad at us and I expect it.
Talk to the new kids, kiss that girl or boy. Hold their hand.
Love like we have taught you. Just don't let it interfere with your school, family and friends.
The path you walk now, will lead you to your future.
Make sure you take a challenging one and live it fully!
Never expect less of yourself. Show the world you can accomplish more!
All in all, have fun and do not live with regrets!
Even if we punish you, you learned from it!

3 Minus 1

2014-04-28T08:00:00.000-06:00

I wrote this little story for a chance to have it entered in a book. I was 1 in over 600 stories received. They only accepted 60 life altering stories to share. Please remember October is pregnancy/infant/child loss awareness month, it’s not just for Breast Cancer.

Here is our story:

We finally came to the realization that we were having another baby. Our son was 10 and our daughters were 8 & 6. My husband and I took them out to dinner and told them the news. They were ecstatic! That day we had our 1st appointment, so we had a picture to show the kids. The ultrasound picture hung on our fridge from that day on. The kids were making lists of names. We had a few good laughs with them at some names they chose. When they went to school they told their friends and teachers. Seeing the excitement on their faces at the thought of having a baby in the house was fascinating! What came next was horrifying.

On Wednesday, April 27, 2011, we went in for our normal 12 week check up. The same thing happened as with our older kids: hearing a heartbeat was tricky. Our doctor pulled out the ultrasound machine to look for it. Usually this worked. It felt like our hearts instantly stopped. You could hear a needle drop in the room. No movement, no blood flow, nothing. She left the room and brought another doctor to check. I had hoped she was missing something. Maybe the machine wasn’t on the right setting…. Maybe the baby was just turned wrong…… She looked at our doctor and shook her head in a way you never want to see. “Sorry,” our doctor said. “The baby has died,” she said. This had never happened to us before. They did measurements that showed no growth since the last visit. “It looks like the baby was between 10 and 11 weeks old.” My heart paused for a long while. My eyes swelled with tears. I didn’t understand what she said but I knew what she was saying…..

How, Why, What!?!?! How did I not know for a week that what I had inside of me, died? Did I do something wrong? Eat something bad? What did I do? All of this completely shocked us! What do we do now? Where do we go from here? Is this really happening? Life had become unfair in a matter of seconds. The doctor left our room to give us a minute to decide if we wanted to miscarry naturally or have a D&C. All we could do was hold each other and cry. No words were said. We chose to have the D&C and get it over with. My surgery was scheduled for the very next day, Thursday April 28th@ 8am. It was not something either of us wanted to do. I wanted the doctor to run back in and say she made a mistake. It was an ultrasound from earlier; something to make this day ok. A natural miscarriage would be too hard with the other kids at home. Surgery wasn’t on my list of things to do anytime soon but it was so much easier for us.

It was a quick surgery and everything went well. Physically I recovered well, mentally, I am still suffering. I had to go in for blood work the next morning. We were notified that I had a Partial Molar Pregnancy. This means there were twins and one deprived the other of nutrients and oxygen. I had to do a lot of research to find out about this. Never before had I or my husband heard about it. If I would have had a Complete Molar Pregnancy it could have become cancer and if my blood levels didn’t even out, I would have gone through chemotherapy. The blood work had to continue for 7 weeks, every week. The doctor needed to monitor my beta blood. This was to make sure my hormone levels evened out and I didn’t have any other problems. For a normal blood count it needed to be fewer than 5. I hit 2 in the 4th week. This number needed to stay consistent for 3 weeks. Once it stayed the same, I was considered back to normal. Once I was cleared, I was overly grateful!

We didn’t tell the kids for a little bit. We told them the baby had died because it was sick and mommy couldn’t take care of it any longer. The baby needed to go home and watch us from above; take care of us. The kids asked lots of questions but mostly cried with us. My husband was able to take a few days off to help around the house and with the kids. They enjoyed spending time with him as much as I liked having someone here. Once he returned to work, I was alone. Thoughts went through my head, again. Why did this happen to us? My mind never seemed to rest, still doesn’t. I kept telling myself it was for the best, even if I didn’t believe it. I would cringe at the thought of having to tell people outside or inside the family that would ask questions. I would cry at the drop of a hat to anyone mentioning something that brought me back to the day in the doctor’s office. I felt like I was sailing through this section of adult life, solo; as if there was not another person on earth that received the news we did. Little did I realize what my husband was experiencing, right next to me. He would also cry, wonder why and ache for the results to have been different. We would mention things to each other but never did we fully understand why we were chosen to walk this path. We had names picked out, names that would work for a boy or a girl, short and sweet names. The ultrasound picture remained on the fridge for months, almost a full year. Everyone saw the picture, never said anything about it. I couldn’t bear the thought of removing it. It kept my head down to earth, my mind at some sort of peace. I can’t explain it to this date. I needed closure and time to process what had happened. In December of 2011, right before Christmas, I notified my husband that we were expecting again. The baby was due in August. We held off a bit to tell the kids this time. I couldn’t stand having to tell them again that we lost another baby. What would it do to them? To us? For the entire pregnancy, I questioned it. Before every appointment, I dreaded going. I never wanted to hear those stinging, depressing words again. To this day, my husband, the kids and I, still talk about the twins.

** We are so thankful to have our little boy, Vannder. He is a healthy, strong and smart 14 month old! A baby born after a miscarriage is known as a rainbow baby. He has definitely brought light and happiness to our family!**

3 years

2014-04-25T12:31:00.003-06:00

This Sunday marks 3 years since we went in for our ultrasound only to find out our little 12 week baby had stopped breathing 2 weeks before. Monday will be 3 years since I had a D&C and we found out it was actually twins we had lost, due to a Partial Molar Pregnancy. Not a day goes by that I don't feel pain or guilt. My heart will never beat the same way again. Once again, here is our story.

http://reconceivingloss.com/three-minus-one-by-brittany-cardenas/

2 years................

2013-04-30T15:03:00.004-06:00

They say it gets easier, not sure how. I still cry at the thought of it. 2 years has gone by since we lost our twins. All I want is to understand more. I have slowly come to realize that God had a plan. That plan was for us to be here for our niece. She needed someone everyday to take care of her. We also had Vannder. I will say I miss my twins everyday, even though I didn't know them, see them, hold them, kiss them........

Gods plan was for us to raise our niece and our baby together. They are our twins, 4 1/2 months apart. Sometimes we have to realize paths change to make us a better person, a more understanding individual. No, I won't forget what we went through. What our children went through. We will always look back at that moment and be thankful for what we have become.

Tom and I went out and had a nice comedy night this weekend to keep us happy. Tom also found this song and I love it!

Here is our original blog post from 2 years ago:

Sometimes we often wonder why things happen. We may never know but the thought will stay deep in our minds.

This past week has been a tough one. We finally had come to the realization that we were having another baby. After so long and then Wednesday changed that. We went in for our normal almost 12 week check up. As usual, like all the other kids, hearing a heartbeat was tricky. She had to pull out the ultrasound machine to look for it. Our hearts instantly stopped. No movement, no blood flow, nothing. Another lady also came in to check. Still nothing.
This had never happened to us before. They did measurements and no growth since the last visit. All of this completely shocked us! What do we do now? Where do we go from here? Is this really happening? How do we tell our kids that have pages of crazy names in a journal? Life had become unfair in a matter of seconds. Now we had two options. Let the pregnancy end on its own at home with drugs or have a D&C. Neither did I want to do.
Tom and I came to the conclusion that we just wanted this whole thing to end. We opted for the D&C for the next day. It was a quick surgery and everything went well. I am still recovering and seem to be good. Some other things showed up from the procedure. I had to go in for blood work this morning. They have to watch my hormone levels now. We were notified that I now may have had a partial molar pregnancy.
Things don't seem to be getting better in this sense. On an upside, my husband was able to take the past few days off to help around the house and with the kids. They have enjoyed spending time with him as much as I have liked having someone here.
I just wonder how many people have gone through this and if anyone knows more then I can research...

What a start to the new year!!

2013-02-01T14:10:00.000-07:00

My life has become a constant hope that I am going to stay awake for the day and NOT forget what my schedule is for that day. Things have been busy, to say the least! Kids, baby, work, outside activities... it never seems to end. All we would like is for a steady night of sleep! Every winter to spring the kids are busier than the year before. Now through a baby in that mix as well as my niece, whom I watch on most days, and man my house is a mess. Tom and I have realized that as they get older, more things come up that they want to do. I always said the ids would only be able to do 1 thing outside of school at a time..... well I blew that this year! Sometimes you just can't tell them no. Iszabelle and Lillyann auditioned for and got parts in the school musical again this year. They will be doing Music man Jr. Jacob started basketball. Vannder is growing like a weed! Time needs to slow down a little for us!

This first group of pictures is Vannder at 4 1/2 months old! He is growing way to fast! He still refuses to roll over or lay on his stomach. A few weeks ago, Vannder began sitting up on his own! He loves it!

Vannder has such cool blue eyes!

Vannder is fitting into 9 month clothes and a few 12 month things. Here he is on his 5 month birthday!!

Vannder and his cousin

Jacob turned 12 this month! I can't believe our first born is in middle school!

Jacob also decided to play basketball this year. First time ever outside of school. He loves it!

Just one of the 10 points he made!

Our first broken bone and it is Jacobs finger. He broke it playing basketball at school this past Tuesday. Tom took him in Wednesday cause he also had a sty to get looked at and we had them check his finger. Sure enough he chipped the bone after his first knuckle. Which means he gets to wear a splint for 3 weeks and might have to miss a few weeks of basketball. Jacob isn't to happy about this!

Vannder tried cereal for the first time at the beginning of January. He loves it! We can't seem to feed him fast enough!

Christmas 2012

Our Mohawk boys!

Random pics of Vannder for the past few months!

2012-12-10T14:28:00.001-07:00

It is crazy how fast the guy is growing! He is almost 3 1/2 months old and weighs 15lbs. V has been wearing 6 month clothes for a bit now and they are starting to get to small everywhere! We will take him in for his 4 month check up on the 26th of this month. He still isn't sleeping through the night and like to eat, A LOT! Vannder has been talking and giggling for a few weeks now. He loves to yell at Jacob.

These pictures start out from a few weeks old thru this past weekend. It is amazing how fast they change! You blink and miss something new!

October was busy!

2012-11-09T08:00:00.000-07:00

Iszabelle turns 10!!!

2012-11-08T08:00:00.000-07:00

Iszabelle has made it to a decade! She has turned 10 and the snotty attitude has begun! The "now-it-all" age isn't fun! But, we sure do love her to death!!!!

Belle wanted dessert french toast for dinner!

Tom made an art easle for Iszabelle!!

Happy birthday, Iszabelle!!!!

Vannder at 1 month old

2012-11-07T08:00:00.000-07:00

When do we have time to breath?

2012-11-06T12:03:00.004-07:00

Man have we been busy. Here is a quick update on all of us!

Jacob is doing well in school. His school is participating in a co-ed sports program. During the year they will learn 4 different sports and and have scrimmages with the other kids in the school. This is available to all 6-8th graders. All grades are combined. He is really enjoying it! School is going good for. Adjusting to middle school has been a little rough. Having to remember things for all classes got to him a little in the beginning but now he is doing well!

Iszabelle is turning into a preteen... UGH! The attitude is coming in full force and it is pretty! She is doing well in 4th grade. She just ran for Student Council and was 1 of 4 kids to make it! She is still busy with dance and this year she also took on the cello and choir! One thing about this school, they sure make it easy for these kids to try so many things!! Belle is also attending a once a week art class downtown. She is loving it!!

Lillyann, Lilly, Lil... what can we say... she is amazing us with how well she is doing in school. She is reading at the middle of a 3rd grade, as a 2nd grader. Her math is awesome!She has also picked up learning the violin at school and is in choir again this year. She is taking a jazz class with Belle after school and is having a blast!

Vannder is growing way to fast! He weighed 12 1/2 lbs & was 23 in. long at his 2 month check up. He has gained 2lbs and grew 2in. since birth! He fits perfectly into 3-6m clothes and can wear some 6 month clothes. His eyes are still blue and he has reddish blonde curls! V is starting to talk to us and smile all the time! The other morning he started growling! He eats well and sleeps pretty good. Soon we will have to move him for the bassinet in our room to his crib in his room... NO!

We are still fixing our bathroom in the basement but we finally have everyone where they belong! Jacob and Belle are enjoying their rooms in the basement. Lilly isn't to sure about her own room and Vannder's room is pretty much complete. To have enough rooms for each kid to have their own is helping keep the bedrooms a little cleaner!

Tom and I are just trying to keep up with the flow of things. He is still working a good amount of hours a week. I am still trying to get my photo business up and running, along with staying home with the kids and working myself. Time never stands still long enough for us to breath!

Fall Pictures

2012-11-06T09:17:00.003-07:00

Yes, I am a bit behind. We have been so busy with school and kids activities that I can't keep up with this blog anymore! It is making me kinda sad. This is the only way we, as a family, can look back later on and remember things! I am going to try and catch up in a few blogs the rest of this week. Enjoy an overload of info!!

October 15th

2012-10-10T15:47:00.001-06:00

October is Pregnancy and Infant loss Awareness month. October 15th, next Monday, is the day to celebrate our babies in heaven. This doesn't get as much recognition as October being Breast Cancer Awareness month but it should be noticed. People grieve over many different things. Loosing someone that was or could have been a huge part of your life is hard to accept, no matter what. Next Monday at 7pm, light a candle for 1 hour to remember all the babies living without their loved ones in heaven and for all of us here, that can't hold our babies hands.
You can visit this site for info on this cause!
http://www.october15th.com/

rambling about babies....

2012-10-05T13:39:00.002-06:00

Do you ever feel like you aren't done having kids? Giving life to something that you are in control of? Seems like these days with everything going on, having a child is the only thing we can have a little control over.

When I was younger, I wanted twins, 1 girl and 1 boy. I always thought after that I would be done. I would be complete. Now, as I have grown and have children, I have a different view. I have made it clear that I would love and be willing to have more children. It seems like maybe that is what I was put here to do. Maybe it is because our children have been good, well mannered, educated, caring and well, just amazing kids. Maybe the world needs more children like them. I am not going to say that our children aren't little shits at times but that is very seldom.

Maybe it has something to do with the loss of our twins 18 months ago. Maybe it is me feeling guilty that I wasn't able to help them live a life with their awesome siblings. Am I scared what my life will be like without a baby around? Do the kids all need a sibling to play with, close in age? Can we ever really afford to have any kids? Really think about it! Doesn't it always work out, eventually? Am I being selfish?

We have taught them to be the people you don't see in public much anymore. The respect they want from others is what is needed to be given. Grades in school are to help you in the future. Foods you eat will help decide your health tomorrow. Good friends are hard to find but when you find one, keep them close. Having children that don't and won't always make the right decisions is going to happen. If we can't push them down the right path, what will we have later?

Enough rambling. My question really is this: How does a couple come to the same conclusion on when they are done having children? It seems harder to do this than it was to start having kids. To stop expecting the unexpected doesn't seem fair. Sometimes the unexpected is just what we need to get us through the day to day happenings in this crappy world. The laughter, smiles, stories... yelling... does it have to end?

Photo Book

2012-10-05T12:03:00.001-06:00

Click here to view this photo book larger

Shutterfly photo books offer a variety of layouts and cover options to choose from.

Vannder Zane Roman

2012-09-01T13:56:00.002-06:00

1 week ago today, at 7:30am, my water slowly started breaking. Well, maybe I should say leaking since it didn't stop until almost 4 that night. We ended up arriving at the hospital right after lunch and checked in. This was the 1st time my water has ever broken on its own. What a strange feeling! The kids were safe with my in laws and my dad for the remainder of our stay. It also happened to be our 12th wedding anniversary! We thought for sure this little guy was going to be our gift. He had different plans...

After walking for about 4 hours, nothing had progressed. I decided to lay down, as I couldn't walk in circles anymore! Contractions started getting a little stronger. Not strong enough to do much though. After awhile I ended up getting an epidural. I am glad I did as I ended up needing pitocin to get things moving along. I had heard so many bad stories about pitocin and didn't want it but I wanted him out!

By 11pm, I realized we weren't getting an anniversary present. Vannder was still progressing slowly and frankly, it was driving my crazy! This was the longest labor ever for me! 2:30 am came and I was woken up by 6 nurses coming into our room. I was attacked with the oxygen mask, the pitocin being turned off and the monitors being moved around on my stomach. I was fine but baby wasn't.

Every time I would have a good contraction, his heart rate would drop, by a good amount. The doctor was thinking his head was being squished every time by the contraction. Our nurse felt differently. In the end, she was right. He was already to far down to do a c-section so we were monitored very carefully with a nurse at our bedside. Finally after almost 1 hour, I was dilated enough to push.

As my husband outs it, it was one f the worst things he had ever seen. Not like the whole delivery process is one of the best things to watch anyway! As his head started to come out, they realized the cord was wrapped around his neck. Not good! After some pulling, pushing, shoving and hoping he came out. Vannder was born with the cord around his neck, under 1 arm and wrapped around his shoulders. Poor baby was very tangled! It took him awhile to breath. One of the sounds you can't wait for and it took forever to come. Due to the pulling and twisting, the doctor was worried he might have a broken collarbone & shoulder dystocia. We watched for these the first few days but everything is fine!

Finally we heard him. They put him on my chest and he was perfect! A beautiful, strong, bruised boy. He was so big that he face was overly bruised. He was the color of a plum! This little boy came out with rolls, long fingers, big hands and feet and long legs. He weighed in at 9lbs. 9oz and 20 in long.

Enjoy the pictures of our new, not so tiny, baby boy!

Family Pictures/ kids pictures 2012

2012-07-11T14:53:00.000-06:00

My Maternity pics

2012-07-10T18:34:00.000-06:00

The kids, Tom and I had some fun with the camera this weekend. Here are some of the maternity pics we took. everyone had their turn with the camera. We also took some family pictures and kids pictures that I will post later.

2012-07-09T14:01:00.003-06:00

I wrote this a few years ago and feel it needs to be said again.

I tell my children to look at the people around them. Whether they are good or bad, you can learn from them. Study their actions. Question their thinking. Never follow who they are. Become yourself.

I will tell you wrong from right. Your father will discover everything! Together, your dad and I will love you unconditionally. We want you to talk to us, ask questions, and tell us your secrets. We are here to help you through this crazy world.

We have good and bad around us at all times. You will find out what is worse than others. It is hard to explain to you why the ones around us put themselves in the situations they do. It isn’t easy to tell you how they messed up their life and don’t care to change it. Hopefully as you watch them, you will realize how to better yourself from your surroundings.

Yes, we all make mistakes. That is a given. There will come a time when you realize those mistakes and learn to better yourself. Don’t count the hard times. Treasure the good times. Enjoy your friends. They don’t always last.

Trust your instincts! Choose a job you want, not one chosen for you. Drive your car a little fast, just not stupid. Ditch a day of school. Eat way too much pizza one night. Ride your bike down that dirt hill. Do things kids do.

Lastly, have fun living for today. Remember tomorrow and always keep your dreams!

32 weeks and staying busy!

2012-07-02T10:38:00.004-06:00

It has been forever since I have written anything down. We have been so busy with everything, I just haven't had time. It feels like we have zero time for anything anymore and it will get busier within 2 months! We have taken trips to the library, went to a movie and hope to get out to the bowling alley and roller skating still.

Jacob has been enjoying relaxing this summer., He didn't do a sport but has been keeping up with friends and his LEGOS!

Iszabelle has started soccer and seems to be liking it. Before when she has played, she hasn't really understood the game. I thin it has finally set in!

Lillyann is relaxing as well this summer. She has never really enjoyed sports but still sings and dances when she can!

All of them are excited about getting new rooms and being by themselves. We have 2 months to complete this task and get the baby room ready. I am not sure if we will make it...

Tom has been working a lot and just started helping with Belle's soccer team. He really enjoys coaching of some sort. He can't handle sitting on the sidelines not doing anything to help!

As for the baby and I, we are running low. I am drained everday. I get up, get ready for the day and then I am ready to climb back into bed. I had to repeat my 1 hour glucose testing because they said they did it to early. After all that, it was confirmed that I again had to do the 3 hour test. Lucky me once again, 1 of the tests came back high and I am one the border line for Gestational Diabetes. I have it everytime so this is nothing new. Except this time they want me to see a dietician and go in again for the 3 hour testing in 4-6 weeks. Sorry, but NO! I hate that test and since I have had this same problem everytime and nothing has happened before, I am going to decline! Plus we hope he is here before the 6 weeks is up!

I have been really sore and having cramps already. They don't seem to think it is anything to worry about. My right leg from my knee to my toes, swells daily. On Wednesday, I will be 32 weeks along. At this point we are hoping to make it 1 more month and before the kids start school! We have noticed he has started to drop and I have braxton h icks every now and then.

Everyone is so excited for him to get here and love on him! We also can't wait to announce his name!!

Summer is here!

2012-05-27T16:50:00.000-06:00

It has been over a month since I have had a chance to write anything here. we have been so insanely busy I can't believe it. We have had end of the year performances, projects and ending the school year. We are also getting ready for Tom and Jacob's trip to Virginia. These past 3 weeks we feel we have been walking around half asleep.

Jacob ended his first year in a new school with 3 A's and 2 B's. 2 of those A's were B's at the beginning of the year. Next year he will be starting middle school but not changing schools. This school goes till 8th grade, which is nice. He has finished Lacrosse and had a great season! He loved playing goalie and he scored a good amount of goals! I have tons of pics to post, once I get a chance!

Iszabelle will be moving on up to 4th grade. She had an incredible year in school this year. She loved writing and can't stop reading! The 3rd grade at her school actually finished 5th in our district for 3rd grade reading! Most of the kids scored A-B's but the grade had nothing lower then a C! That is amazing! Belle struggles with Math but we will work on that over the summer so she isn't behind at the start of 4th. Iszabelle made it through 3rd grade with perfect attendance!

Lillyann brought us home some pretty amusing stories she wrote over the school year. This girl sure has an imagination! I can't wait to see what she writes about next! She scored all A's for everything this year! Lilly is excited to have this summer free of everything. She still has her dance recital this next weekend but we know she will perform her heart out!

Iszabelle and Lillyann made it into the school play, Mulan, this year and had their performances last week. They both did so well!!

The baby is growing well! He is almost 2 weeks bigger then he should be. I had my glucose testing done this last week and it looks like this may be the first pregnancy were that is normal! Due to my blood type, I have to get a Rhogam shot in the middle of pregnancy and within 24 hours after the delivery. My blood pressure has been really good and so has the heartbeat! He moves around a lot too! I am almost to the point where it is to hard to bend over, I get overheated quickly and can't really eat to much at one time. I have always had horrible heartburn with my pregnancies and I think I might have finally found a cure! I might be speaking to soon but so far so good!

Hopefully this week I will be able to post pictures now that everything will start calming down!

Almost 1 year later

2012-04-20T09:18:00.000-06:00

One week from today marks the day we found out we lost our 4th baby. (Read our story here.) We went in for our normal 12 week check up and were told there wasn't a heartbeat. That the baby actually stopped growing between 10 1/2 and 11 weeks. To be the doctor to tell someone this has to be devastating! I would never be able to tell anyone this!

My husband and I opted to have a D&C the next day. Having 3 healthy children, I never thought this could happen to me. I thought I made it this far, I am in the clear... never think that! It can happen at anytime to anyone! My parents suffered with 4 miscarriages and I have 3 siblings.

Around Christmas this past year we found out we were welcoming another little baby. We have found out it will be a boy! 2 girls, 2 boys and 2 in heaven. I see a cycle! In August when our little one arrives, I will be be loving what we have after our great loss! I can't wait!!

A new niece

2012-04-15T13:17:00.000-06:00

My sister had her baby!!!!! On April 10th at 4:35am. She was 6.5lbs & was 19 inches long. She has tons of dark hair and a really cute little nose.

After a long labor, the delivery went well for her. The baby has a few issues and will not be coming home as quickly as we all would have liked. She is getting better everyday and soon we can all hold her! Please keep my sister and my niece in your prayers! I can't wait to take pictures of her!

It has been a long few days but my sister and her precious girl are doing great and we can finally feel at ease with everything! My niece is truly a fighter and will get along well with her cousins!!