Fantastic Film Freak

Nightmareless On Elm Street

2011-01-29T14:12:00.000-08:00

Once upon a time in Springwood, Ohio, a child murderer got off on a technicality, so the parents of the community chased him into a boiler room and burned him alive. Years later, he returned in the dreams of their children: a horrid visage in his green and red sweater, brown hat, burned skin, and long blades sprouting out of his gloved hand. He'd torture, terrorize, and kill these children, and when they died in their dreams, they died in real life.

It was a beautiful story that went on for eight movies. It was called Nightmare On Elm Street and he was Freddy Krueger, and all was right with the world until someone decided to recreate it.

I am talking about the 2010 remake of Nightmare On Elm Street.

My problems with this movie:
1. The casting: Throughout the eight Nightmare movies and two spin-off TV shows, Freddy has always been played by Robert Englund and he owned that role. Anyone else playing Freddy is like your step-father asking you to call him "Dad" -- he can try all he likes, but it will never go over well. Jackie Haley is fantastic -- I love his character Guerrero on Human Target and I had to go looking for my socks after he rocked em off as Rorschach in Watchmen -- so it isn't that his feet aren't big enough to fill the shoes left by Englund, it's that they are the wrong shape.

2. The makeup: The scariest thing Freddy did was smile. He was always smiling -- if he was slicing you into bloody chunks, he was smiling, if he was scrapping his blades against a pipe as he stalked you through his nightmarish boiler room, he was smiling. He took so much pleasure in all his violence that it would get to you. This new Freddy doesn't smile. It may have been an acting choice by Jackie Haley, but it was probably because Freddy DOESN'T HAVE ANY FUCKING LIPS. They tried to make this new Freddy look more like a real burn victim, but he ends up looking like someone took a shaved chimp, someone of Asian decent, and Abe Sapien from Hellboy and forced them to have a fucked up three-way baby.

Old Freddy VS New Freddy

3. The plot: This marks the first Elm Street movie to out and out say that Freddy, pre-parental burning, was a child molester. In the '80s he was always just a child murderer: he killed them, but they never said anything about him touching their swimsuit areas. Somehow he was scarier when he stayed away from their no-no parts and just killed them. Maybe it's because when I think of a child molester, I think of a guy in big glasses, Members Only jacket, khaki pants, creepy mustache, and an unmarked white van: I could kick that guy's ass, no problem, and gladly, but some sick fuck who just straight up kills kids just to kill? Not so much.

4. The effects: The world of special effects has greatly improved since the '80s when Freddy first hit the scene, but these new dazzling effects somehow look even less real.

5. The scares: A character would walk around a corner and I knew Freddy would be there, and he'd be there. Predictable.

Things that were okay, I guess:
1. The casting: The girls in it were pretty.

2. The origins: The homages to the original film did make me geek out a little, but not much.

3. The plot: Even though it made him less scary, the whole Freddy-is-a-sex-offender angle was a new take on the series and I applaud the writers for trying to take a new approach to an old classic, even if it didn't work.

4. The effects: Freddy shoving his bladed fingers through someone's head has never looked so cool.

5. The scares: There were a couple of moments when a character would walk around a corner and I knew Freddy would be there, but they'd get around the corner and he wouldn't be there... but then they'd turn around and he'd be there. Surprising.

Your better off watching the original series. For some real chills, watch Nightmare on Elm Street (1984) followed by New Nightmare.

2.3 stars and an offer of free candy if you get in the back of my van.

P.S. The remake was made without Wes Craven's blessing. That right there should be enough to dissuade any horror fan.

Green Hornet

2011-01-24T18:10:00.000-08:00

The Green Hornet has about as much intellectual stimulation as the popcorn I ate while watching it, but like the popcorn, it is buttery, delicious, and fun.

Seth Rogen plays Britt Reid, your average playboy millionaire who decides to start fighting crime after his father accuses him of being a failure and dies. Seth Rogen approaches the part with his normal stoner/slacker style, and for the most part, it works out well for him. Together with Kato, his right hand man, mechanic, driver, bodyguard, and sidekick, who is also the only part of the crime fighting duo who can actually physically fight crime, he takes to the streets in a pimped-out Chrysler (yo dawg, I heard you like machine guns, so we put machine guns in your cars so you can kill while you drive), posing as a theatrical criminal in order to trick the underworld.

As funny as Seth Rogen is as the lazy and underachieving Britt Reid, that one trick pony only has so many performances left before audiences are going to get tired of rooting for the pudgy, Jewish, stoned underdog, but Green Hornet was a great first step away from the bong-boy and into a real action hero role. The few fight scenes he has, he literally kicks ass.

What was really surprising about Rogen in this picture was not his performance but just the fact that he was such a goddamn fucking workhorse. In addition to starring in it he co-wrote, co-produced, and even did some of the casting.

Jay Chou, who is apparently a huge pop star over in Taiwan, plays Kato, Britt Reid's right hand man, mechanic, driver, bodyguard, and sidekick, who is also the only part of the crime fighting duo who can actually physically fight crime. As Kato (the part formerly played by Bruce Lee), Jay takes the term "action star" and punches it straight in the balls and makes it his bitch. I hope to see more of him. He made a great straight man for Rogen's goofball antics.

The movie has lots of laughs, goes for gizzard when it comes to fight sequences, and the black Chrysler they drive around in, dubbed Black Beauty, just about made me jizz all over the already-sticky theater floor.

While it may not be the kind of flick that makes you think, it did prove, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that I need a tiny Asian sidekick.

3.5 Stars.

Full Frontal Disappointment

2011-01-19T21:28:00.000-08:00

I am sorry I haven't been posting movie reviews as often as I was before. It's because I fell into a hole, a hole scientists call the first 7 seasons of The X-Files.

How was I to get myself out of this hole? How was I to return to my endearing trait of obsessively watching movies? The answer was simple. "No shit," I hear you say. "Just watch the X-Files movie."

That is stupid! If we were in the same room, I would point and laugh at you for being so stupid. The obvious answer was to watch a movie starring David Duchovny, kind of like how heroin addicts ween themselves off the H by doing meth.

My Netflix Instant choices were limited in the way of Duchovny. My options were Return To Me, a romantic comedy where Duchovny falls in love with Minnie Driver, or Full Frontal. I choose Full Frontal because it had a better name, and because I didn't feel like watching someone fall in love with Minnie Driver because NO ONE IS ALLOWED TO LOVE MINNIE DRIVER BUT ME!

I should have attempted to keep the raging beast that is my jealousy under control and watched Return To Me, as Full Frontal was a waste of time.

It is the story of several Hollywood types and how their lives crisscross, shot in a documentary style. So it's Crash, but without the depth brought on by racial overtones, and shot in a documentary style.

The movie tries to provide us with a window into the lives of these characters, and it does this well with the natural light, hand held cameras, and the improvisations of the actors. The problem is that it's done too well: it's just like real life, but the problem is that real life is boring. I don't want to see David Hyde Peirce get fired and then go home and have a beer, I want to see him get fired and then get mud on his nice new slacks when a cab drives too close to the curb and splashes a puddle on him. I want to see him get fired and then go fuck a whore. I want to see him get fired, slam his badge down on a desk and shout "FUCK YOU, I PLAY BY MY OWN RULES AND I AM GOING TO FIND THAT BOMB."

The movie looked so good on paper: Steven Soderbergh directing (Oceans 11, 12 and 13), Julia Roberts (Eat Pray Love), David Hyde Pierce (Fraiser), David Duchvony, and a whole slew of other notable actors from TV and movies, but it just didn't pan out on screen.

It was boring, and to top it all off David Duchovny wasn't even on screen for that long, and most of his dialogue was him trying to convince a masseuses to give him a happy ending while he wears a plastic bag over his head (and before you ask, no, they don't show us that scene).

2.5 stars.

I'm going to go see if Agent Scully has given birth to that alien baby yet.

Black Swan

2011-01-08T23:31:00.000-08:00

I am, sad to say, your typical American movie-goer. Give me blood, blades, and babes and I will happily sit and munch on over-buttered popcorn 'til my lungs grow too fat to breathe. Give me a plot more complex than a bus that can't stop because it has a bomb on it and I start getting a headache and looking at my watch.

I saw Black Swan and did not look at my watch once.

I know that sounds like I am comparing the cerebral art work that is Black Swan to that of the mental pig slop that is Speed, but that is not what I mean. I mean that I was so enraptured by this film, my head was so filled with the plot twists and the visual symphony of it all, that I had no time for an ache and no thought of my watch.

College theses will be written about this movie, DVD copies will circulate around film school classes like wildfire. It is a movie that deserves to be studied.

Natalie Portman (Garden State, the Star Wars films that must not be named) plays Nina the ballerina, a fragile young woman who has just been cast in Swan Lake as the graceful and poised White Swan and as the lustful and dark Black Swan, a role she has trouble getting into, until her own dark side boils and rises to the top. Portman plays the part with frightening accuracy and sensitivity.

That is the plot in its simplest form, but there is so much more, so many subplots with their own layers of subtext. Watching the movie is like playing with those Russian dolls: every time you peel back a layer you find another doll staring at you.

The movie is dark, but not "dark" as in "twisted," but "dark" as in the way night feels.

Director Darren Aronofsky (The Wrestler, The Fountain, Requiem for A Dream ) uses all the senses to paint a magnificent picture; his use of light and dark, CGI, mirrors, music, and makeup all weave together seamlessly to transport you into the world of one persons mental breakdown.

I had heard this movie was a mind fuck: I went in expecting my brain to be battered with metaphors and abstract representation like it was when I watched Mulholland Dr.(that movie DID give me a headache) but it wasn't, it was chased by sexual energy as it was led through a psychological maze that was complicated enough to keep the mind reeling but straightforward enough that it never got too lost.

I will see it again.

5 stars

Oh, and it has this awesome lesbian scene in it.

Tron: Legacy

2010-12-18T19:33:00.000-08:00

I saw Tron: Legacy in 3D at a midnight screening and HOLY FUCK IT WAS NEAT-O.

Now, I am a bit of a geek (if by "a bit of a geek," you mean "a huge mega-geek"), so I get all tingly in my pants any time Hollywood tosses a bone to anything remotely nerdy. I mean, I saw G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra in theaters, I paid money to see it. If knowing is half the battle, I really hope the other half has nothing to do with Marlon Wayans.

So needless to say I got doe-eyed and hopeful when I heard they had a new Tron on the table and my little nerd heart got excited when it heard that Jeff Bridges would be returning and other parts of my body got excited when I saw Olivia Wilde in her Tron suit.

Jeff Bridges returns, playing the charismatic, kinda hippy-ish and goofy The Dude, I mean The Dude plays Kevin Flynn, I mean Kevin Flynn is The Dude, I mean...Jeff Bridges is awesome.

It has been awhile since Kevin Flynn got downloaded onto a computer, he has started a hugely successful software business and has had a kid, Sam, but he disappears one night and no one can find him.

Twenty-years-later Sam is played by Garrett Hedlund. Sam is kind of a bitter about the whole being-abandoned-by-his-father thing and Hedlund plays him with a nice touch of anger and rebellion.

Sam gets sucked into the grid, just like his father, and,just like his father, is forced to play in "the Games." If you saw the first Tron, you remember that "the Games" was when they would force you to throw discs at your opponent or ride around on a crappy CGI motorcycle. It's pretty much the same in the new Tron except A BILLION TIMES MORE AWESOME because they are all amped up on new technology and in 3D.

Sam meets a guy who looks exactly like his father, except it isn't his father, it is a clone his father created named Clu (played by Jeff Bridges.) Clu runs the grid and guess what? He is evil.

Sam gets rescued by Quorra, a bad ass and kind of dorky program played by Olivia Wilde who is a bad ass dork. She takes him to his real father who has been hiding for 20 years after Clu betrayed him and trapped him in the computer.

The script is very well done: action packed, thought provoking, funny. The club scene (where Daft Punk makes a cameo) had me laughing like a madman and the fight scenes took my breath away. They didn't play up the romantic sparks between Sam and Quorra, which actually gave it some room to grow.

The special effects, like I said, were awesome. the only thing that didn't quite click was Clu, who was played by the 60-year-old Jeff Bridges but digitally altered to look like the 30-year-old Jeff Bridges, it is pretty good, but something just felt off and was just a tad creepy, but then again Clu is the bad guy so maybe it is a good thing that he is just a bit off and creepy.

Daft Punk did the soundtrack. I am not too wild about electronica, if my music doesn't have an electric guitar or a singer who drinks Jack Daniels I tend to tune out, but Daft Punk is a rare exception to this rule as their beats are hypnotic, tantalizing, and -- given that most of the movie takes place inside a computer -- entirely fitting.

The movie is amazing: the combination of great acting, fantastic story, and mind blowing special effects make for a heady brew of joy juice. I only hope Disney doesn't fuck it up by doing direct-to-DVD sequels or a shitty animated series or something.

4.6 Discs.

Wax On Waxworks

2010-12-15T17:02:00.001-08:00

I have a very limited budget; actually, to have a budget you have to have money, so I have neither. My movie viewing selection is pretty much limited to what ever is on Netflix Instant, so I can watch all the crap movies I want (which would explain why I watched Timerider: The Adventures of Lyle Swan) but every once in awhile I stumble on some forgotten gem, something that was too weird or wonderful to have lasted for very long in the minds of the general masses.

I present to you two such movies, Waxworks and Waxworks II: Lost In Time.

(It should pretty much go without saying that my review of Waxworks II will essentially spoil the ending to Waxworks. I highly recommend you watch the movies anyway because they are awesome.)

In Waxworks, Mark, Sarah, and their rich, posh, preppy friends get invited to a waxworks museum that has opened up in the middle of the neighborhood, in the middle of the night. The place is run by Mr. Lincoln (played by David Warner, who is the Alan Rickman you get when you can't afford Alan Rickman)and a tiny dwarf (played by the little person who played Alf on "ALF.") Mark and Sarah quickly discover that when you step beyond the velvet rope, the wax scenes become real and you are suddenly mug to mug with a werewolf or Dracula or a zombie.

Mark and Sarah beat it out of there before the monsters get the best of them, but they are followed by the disembodied hand of one of the aforementioned zombies.

And so ends Waxworks.

Waxworks II: Lost In Time picks up from there. Sarah gets followed home by the zombie hand and it beats her father to death with a hammer. Sadly the police, lawyers, and other members of the legal system don't really buy into the whole "wax figures came to life and killed my father" defense. After finding a compass that allows them to travel through time, it is up to Mark and Sarah to track down some evidence that will prove they are telling the truth.

The Waxworks movies are that rare blend of horror and comedy, giggles and guts; it reminded me of the first time I watched Evil Dead 2. Also, how many movies can you think of that have sword fights, zombies, Godzilla, and aliens?

In both movies the various wax scenes and moments in time come off as a little spoofy, but only a little. It is more like the director, Anthony Hickox, wanted to do tiny remakes of various horror and sci-fi movies but just didn't have the budget. They are funny, but kind of loving in a way.

None of the actors in either movie (with the notable exceptions of David Warner, David Carradine, and Bruce Campbell) went on to anything bigger than an episode of "Law and Order" and the director and writer Anthony Hickox's big follow-up was Hellraiser 3. Still, for a brief moment, they gathered to make something kind of hilarious and totally weird.

3.9 Stars

A Double Feature In Three Dimensions

2010-12-04T22:15:00.000-08:00

Little known fact: any two movies at the theater can be a double feature as long as you sneak into one of them.

Tangled is the story of Rapunzel... sort of. Rapunzel (voiced by Mandy Moore) has lived her entire life in a secret tower, and her only friends are her pet chameleon and Mother Gothel, a woman Rapunzel believes is her mother, but is a mean bitch who has kept the girl hidden away because of the healing powers her hair possesses. Her curiosity gets the better of her when she meets Flynn, a robber on the run from the law, together they venture to the kingdom to see the floating lights that appear every year on her birthday.

The movie is very entertaining, especially the chameleon and the palace guard horse that tracks the lead characters like a bloodhound (not a metaphor.)

The songs are completely forgettable, and I am being literal: I cannot remember a single lyric from any one of the songs. They aren't even long enough to be considered real songs, it's like the music guy at Disney realized he'd forgotten to write any songs before the thing went into production and so he jotted the lyrics down on a napkin during a twenty-minute lunch break.

Disney finally proves that it is still in the fucking game when it comes to animation. For many long years, anything Disney did kind of got steam-rolled under the mighty Pixar machine, and while Tangled isn't quite as good as Wall-E or Toy Story, it is miles above some of the direct-to-DVD schlock Disney has been pumping out like toxic sludge. For once the 3D actually enhanced the quality, embedding the watcher in the scenery instead of just presenting it.

The cast was par, as in not sub-par, except Zachery Levi (Chuck), who voiced Flynn, he brought the comedy up to another level. His every line had me giggling, his timing and delivery are priceless.

Tangled gets 3.8 stars.

Up next is Megamind.

Megamind (Will Ferrell, Elf, Anchorman, SNL) is an alien who was sent to Earth as a baby when his planet was blown into chunks. Unfortunately his spaceship lands, not in Kansas, but in a prison, and the inmates raise him to be a villain. He does the usual evil-doer things, has a lair, a Minion (David Cross, Year One, Kung Fu Panda)and his enemy, superhero Megaman (voiced by Brad Pitt, Ocean's 11-13.) When Megamind destroys Megaman, what will he do? How will his life change? When he looks in the mirror will he like the giant blue head that stares back at him?

I love any movie that lets you peek behind the cape and get a look at the real person and their life, whether it is Megamind or Watchmen or... well, I guess it is really only the two, but still, it is incredibly interesting to see how these people tick.

The awkward social mess that Will Ferrell usually lends itself very well to this animated caper. If it had been live action and he had been playing some kind of football star, I am sure I would have been throwing things at the screen, but as an animated super villain with a giant blue head, he had me laughing.

Tina Fey, who plays the love interest Roxanne Ricthi, is freaking hilarious. I cannot say that enough, she is freaking hilarious.

In fact, they are all freaking hilarious: Jonah Jill, David Cross, all of them except Brad Pitt. Maybe his character wasn't meant to be funny, maybe it just wasn't great writing, or maybe it was just bad acting; either way it felt like Brad phoned it in a little with that one.

The animation is good, not great, but better than most of the other animated movies Dreamworks spits out. The 3D didn't really add anything to it, but seeing as how I didn't pay for my ticket, I'll let that slide.

Megamind gets 3.6 stars

When in Rome, Do As the Romans Do and Don't Watch Shitty Romantic Comedies

2010-11-30T00:25:00.000-08:00

I was watching the movie When In Rome, a movie about a girl who favors her career over everything until she finds loooooooove. It was sorta cute and kinda sappy and JUST LIKE ALMOST ALL ROMANTIC COMEDIES.

The dreamweavers in Hollywood, they can't come up with anything better than chocolate but they hope putting it in a colorful candy shell will be enough to land our butts in their theaters and our bucks in their wallets. This is true of all genres, but it tends to be very glaringly obvious with the romantic comedies. Boy meets girl, boy gets girl, boy and girl live happily ever after once they overcome a series of wacky events.

Here are a couple of rom coms that don't fall in line.

Chasing Amy: First things first, there is no one named Amy in this entire picture.

Comic book artist Holden (played by Ben Affleck) falls for fellow comic book artist Alyssa (Joey Lauren Adams) but, as it turns out, Alyssa is a lesbian. When Alyssa starts to develop feelings for Holden the movie takes an unexpected turn that forces us to ask what love really is: can it be defined by gender? Sexuality? Our past?

Even with the unique perspective, excellent directing, and witty writing of Kevin Smith, the movie still holds a bit to the Hollywood standard until the end when (SPOILERS) Holden and Alyssa break up. The ending is sad and touching, but mostly it shows that people can grow apart and still be okay.

Swingers: Mike (played by the director, Jon Favreau) has just been dumped and dumped hard. With the help of his womanizing friend Trent (the supreme Vince Vaughn) and his other warped and weird friends, Mike slowly gets over his hurt.

It's like watching a really good prequel to most crappy romantic comedies. We see Mike go through the pain of his break up, we see him pull himself up by hist boot straps and we see him meet someone new.

Swingers also talks about some of the more rarely discussed aspects of dating, like how long to wait before calling for the first time, how to deal with pain, and the benefits of NHL games on Sega Genesis.

When Harry Met Sally: When Harry (Billy Crystal) meets Sally (Meg Ryan), they hate each other. It takes about 12 years for them to finally get together, but during that time they become friends and grow closer and closer.

Out of the three, this movie is the most formulaic, but what is interesting about it is the sheer amount of time it takes for Harry and Sally to become lovers. It's one of the only movies where a romantic relationship grows out of a friendship that doesn't involve a high school girl dating a jock only to realize she loves her nerdy best friend.

It's kinda heart warming.

Meh

2010-11-24T20:39:00.000-08:00

I watch a lot movies, which you may have gathered this on your own. Some of them are notable, either because they are good or simply awful; recently, though, I have watched a lot of movies that are, for lack of a better term, completely... meh.

They aren't good or bad, they are just kind of there. They are like the old woman in the grocery store who slowly shuffles down the middle of the aisle, paying no attention to the canned goods on one side or the selection of salsa on the other side.

Rather than do full-fledged reviews of each, I'll just jot down some thoughts on each.

Old Dogs: All the jokes revolve around John Travolta and Robin Williams either being gay or old.
It Could Happen To You: How did Rosie Perez ever get work? Seriously.
Guarding Tess: Nicolas Cage shoots a man in the foot.
Top Secret: I was once a big fan of spoof movies, but then I stopped being 13.
The 'Burbs: Tom Hanks married Princess Leia? THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT HAPPENED IN MY FAN FIC.
The Video Dead: I don't think I have ever yawned while watching a zombie movie before.
The Lost Boys: The Tribe Good to see Corey Feldman getting work. Don't really get the Dark Knight voice he uses, but still.
Saint Jon of Las Vegas: A Vegas movie that doesn't even really take place in Vegas.
G-Force: The voice of the mole was Nicolas Cage.
Astro Boy: A grieving father makes a robot of his dead son; for some reason the robot likes to wear wrestler shorts and red booties.
The Substitute: The public school system hasn't improved since this was made.

Maybe you will watch these movies and find them to be a little less middle-of-the road.

"You're leaving me for the guy from Big?"

Super Capers: Strong Concept, Mild Mannered Finish

2010-11-23T16:49:00.000-08:00

The idea sounded so good: wannabe superhero Ed (played by Justin Whalin from Lois & Clark) is sentenced by The Judge (Michael Rooker, the bald guy from Mallrats and the biker in The Walking Dead) to become part of the Super Capers, a rag-tag group of superheroes in training.

I was hoping for something like The Watchmen meets "Seinfeld," but what I got was "Scooby Doo" meets 1960s "Batman." (Which, for the record, did happen and was awesome.) The movie is waaaay too corny and cartoony; as an example, I'd say well over half of the sound effects were blatantly lifted from old episodes of "Loony Toons."

Sam Lloyd, who played the sad sack lawyer Ted who lived with his mother on "Scrubs," now plays the sad sack superhero Brainard, who also lives with his mother. It's such a stretch, I know.

Ray McPartlin, who plays the confidence-oozing and somewhat looks-obsessed Devon on Chuck now plays the confidence-oozing and somewhat looks-obsessed Will Powers. Try to keep your mind from boggling.

Like a dyslexic kid doing algebra, Super Capers tries really hard, struggles, and fails. The writer/director Ray Griggs was obviously trying to emulate the humor from the Adam West era "Batman" show, but what most people don't realize is "Batman" was funny because it wasn't trying to be funny, it was like a puppy chasing its tail, it makes you laugh but the puppy was never trying to make you laugh.

The best part of this movie is when I recognized the beautiful Danielle Harris as the little girl from Halloween 4: The Return of Michael Meyers.

1.8 exploding home planets

Much better than Super Capers

It's Okay To Be Late For Due Date

2010-11-21T16:32:00.000-08:00

Peter Highman is trying to get from Texas to California in time for the birth of his first child, but bad luck, misfortune, and his own temper are thwarting him. When he and fellow passenger Ethan Tremblay (a hopeful actor looking to make it to Hollywood) get kicked off a plane, they decide to drive the distance. From there they get beat up by war veterans, have run-ins with the law, drink a dead man and crash a couple cars.

It's basically a rebooted version of Planes, Trains and Automobiles.

Most of the humor is supposed to come from Zach Galifianakis and his wacky character who just can't get the hang of being social, but it falls short. I am not familiar with Mr. Galifianakis as an actor; the only other movie I have seen him in was G-Force and it is hard to tell if someone has chops when they are doing banter with a talking CGI guinea pig. Whether it's his acting or the lackluster script work, his character just isn't that funny, although he gets a laugh here and there.

Robert Downey, Jr. plays the expecting father Peter Highman, and he is just as charming, funny, and angry as he is in every other movie he does.

It's a very slow start but the movie does have some funny parts eventually: the drainage ditch bit, the weird way Zach Galifianakis walks, the Mexico car chase.

Ultimately it is the kind of movie you don't mind watching once and then never seeing again.

2.5 stars

Mystery Team

2010-11-16T20:38:00.000-08:00

Ever wonder what the Hardy Boys or the Scooby Doo gang would be like after they grew up?

The Mystery Team used to be a hotshot group of super young super-sleuths, solving cases like "who stuck their fingers in Mrs. Kimmel's pie?" Now they are older, but still acting like little kids and still solving little cases, until they get the chance to solve a murder.

The movie was written, directed, and starred the guys from Derrick Comedy -- undoubtedly you have seen their work, as most of it has gone viral. Here is an example of their work that you may have seen.

The movie is hilarious, but what is really impressive is how many career hats everyone wore. Dominic Dierkes (who writes for "The Onion") plays Charlie; D.C. Peirson plays Duncan, co-wrote, and was the art director; and Donald Glover (who you will probably recognize from his work on the hit show Community)not only plays Jason, but composed the music and co-wrote, too.

The rest of the cast is basically comprised of your favorite bit players from your favorite sitcoms.

The only thing that works against the movie is that the bulk of it is carried by Donald Glover -- it's not that he can't carry the load, it's just that it seemed kind of unfair.

It was a good watch, especially seeing as how it was a first time effort on everyone's behalf.

3.5 stars

Nightmares in Red, White and Blue

2010-11-13T18:22:00.000-08:00

Nightmares in Red, White and Blue is a documentary about American horror and its many transformations over the years.

Some of the biggest wigs in Hollywood horror, like John Carpenter (Halloween, Escape From New York)Roger Corman (The Fall of the House of Usher, Death Race 2000, Little Shop of Horrors) and George A. Romero (Night Of The Living Dead, Dawn of the Dead, Day of the Dead, Land of the Dead, Diary of the Dead, Survival of the Dead), discuss horror movies from the silent movies like Phantom of the Opera to today's torture pornos like Hostel and Saw.

It was incredibly interesting to see these masters of terror talk about how the Wolfman was different from the other monsters, the use of humor, Stephen King as a darker Norman Rockwell and the atom bomb movies of the '50s. My only gripe is that they didn't talk about modern horror and its pension for almost sexualized gore enough.

It was an entrancing documentary and I encourage anyone with a love of horror to watch it.

4 stars.

What Happens in Brooklyn Stays In Brooklyn

2010-11-12T23:43:00.000-08:00

Back in 2007 when Eddie Murphy didn't win an Oscar for his performance in Dreamgirls, he stood up and walked out of the ceremonies in a huff and I said to myself, "What an asshole." Later, when he knocked up Scary Spice and refused to take responsibility, I swore him and his movies off completely, except for the odd (and usually bad) Shrek movie.

I lifted my Murphy ban recently because sometimes, you just want to see a train wreck, and boy howdy does his career have a lot of train wrecks.

I can see how someone thought this was a good idea in 1995. Wes Craven was doing well in horror and Eddie was pre-Pluto Nash and hadn't even thought of wearing a fat suit yet.

The idea is decent: Max (that would be Eddie's vampire name) is an old school vamp trying to track down the last of his kind in the new school city of Brooklyn so that his race can continue.

This is where the movie is flawed. It seems that no one knew much about Vampires when making this. For example, if a vampire wants his kind to live on, he doesn't need to track down some distant member of the blood line, a vampire can just BITE A MOTHERFUCKER!

Also, vampires can't make fire sprout from their hands (a bad idea, as fire is one of the few ways to kill a vamp), make dogs go flying through the air (wtf?), sparkle in the sunlight (not an issue in this movie, but still), or turn into a wolf. You know who can turn into a wolf? FUCKING WEREWOLVES, that is who.

The movie follows Max the entire time, which was a bad move because Max is the bad guy, the girl he is hunting is the one we are supposed to be endeared to. (Spoiler Alert) It makes the ending where Max is killed and turned into so much ash incredibly lame.

The redeeming factor in this movie is Kadeem Hardison, who plays the comedic Renfield to Eddie's Blackula. He runs around Brooklyn doing his masters bidding, the whole time slowly falling apart, literally -- for more than half the movie he has to use a mannequin hand because his fell off while he was rubbing down his boss's limo. He provided most of the real humor while Eddie said corny things like "Don't worry, do I look like I bite?"

3 stars.

Lastly, what is with that hair?

Jonah Sux

2010-11-12T01:46:00.000-08:00

Jonah Hex is like someone took Wild Wild West and sucked out all the fun and giant robot spiders.

Jonah's family gets killed by Quinton Turnbull and Jonah gets disfigured and left for dead in the process. He's saved by some Indians who bring him back from the dead and he picks up a couple powers while his soul returns to the land of the living. With the power to bring the dead back to life with a touch, he now roams the land as a bounty hunter and waits for his chance at revenge. He gets his chance when Turnbull starts robbing military outposts and assembling a giant weapon he plans to use to blow up Washington D.C., and it's up to Jonah to stop him.

I rented this movie thinking, "Cowboys, gunfights, Megan Fox, explosions -- what's not to like?" Turns out a lot.

It was like there just wasn't enough meat to the story, not enough detail to make me care. It felt weighed down by useless cell animated sequences and weird, pointless dream scenes.

Josh Brolin (Grindhouse, No Country For Old Men, W.) is Jonah Hex and his performance is dry and tasteless. Megan Fox (Transformers, Jennifer's Body) plays Lilah the whore, who is supposed to be a love interest, but she doesn't do much and isn't even satisfying eye candy. John Malkovich (Red, Being John Malkovich) isn't insane enough to be amusing as Turnbull and Will Arnett is woefully underused as Lieutenant Grass.

Seriously, Wild Wild West was better.

2.5 stars

Drive Angry

2010-11-12T00:19:00.000-08:00

There are no words that could possibly describe how badly I want to see this movie.

Seeing Red

2010-11-11T23:37:00.000-08:00

The CIA decide to off a couple of retired agents because they "know too much." The thing is, Frank Moses just doesn't feel like dying, so he proceeds to kick everyone's ass 'til he and his former co-workers can figure out what is going on and who wants them dead.

Bruce Willis (Die Hard, Die Hard 2, The Kid) is Frank Moses, and he does his normal brand of semi-quiet, witty face-punching like he has done in every action movie he has made, and it is still entertaining.

Mary-Louise Parker (Weeds) plays Sara, Frank's only friend, and is completely unaware of his past as a government gunslinger until people start trying to kill her. Mary plays the part well with humor and big, beautiful glassy eyes.

John Malkovich plays the insane Marvin Boggs. When has Malkovich ever not done a great job at being insane?

Morgan Freeman (Shawshank Redemption, Bruce Almighty) plays Joe, but his part felt a little undercooked, like a turkey that hasn't been in the oven long enough.

Helen Mirren (National Treasure 2, The Queen) plays Victoria and shoots an Uzi. That right there is worth the ticket price.

Rounding out the cast is Karl Urban as William Cooper, the CIA spook in charge of taking these old people to their graves. Maybe I am still nerd-ing out over his performance as McCoy in Star Trek but Karl Urban is freaking awesome.

This is also one of the few action movies, packed with explosions and gun fire, at which I saw people over the age of 60 attending and having just as good a time as me.

The script is hilarious, the action scenes are tight, and the soundtrack boosts the movie to another level.

4.5 stars

Let's go get pancakes.

The Nightmare Before Christmas both Tricks and Treats

2010-11-09T15:08:00.000-08:00

Now that all the boys have put away their fake blood and plastic fangs and the girls have put away their slutty cat costumes, now that Halloween has officially been laid to rest until it rises once again next year, now it is finally time to watch The Nightmare Before Christmas.

The Nightmare Before Christmas, in addition to being a fantastic movie, has the rare distinction of being the only Christmas movie that is acceptable to watch before Thanksgiving. You can watch Jack and his ghoulish gang any time after October 31st. (Probably a couple days before that if need be.)

One thing I found incredibly interesting was that absolutely none of the voice cast is what would be considered A-list. The person who ranks highest on the fame-o-meter is Paul Ruebens (better known as Pee Wee Herman) and his part is pretty limited. Still, the cast does a great job making werewolves sound like werewolves and faceless clowns sound like faceless clowns.

Danny Elfman brings his typical brand of frantic circus music, which is always wonderful, but in this setting it really pops and thrives.

The music is catchy, the animation is stellar; if anything, the only thing this movie has going against is that I will always remember it as the movie that continues to trick me. Every time Tim Burton releases a new movie, I think "I am so excited, after all, he was responsible for Nightmare Before Christmas," and sometimes he delivers again, gives us a Beetlejuice, Batman Returns or Edward Scissorhands, but sometimes he shovels a steaming pile of crap in our face like Corpse Bride, Planet of The Apes or Sweeney Todd. Yet still, any time Tim Burton comes out with anything, I will become all a-twitter and remember how wonderful The Nightmare Before Christmas was.

5 Stars

The NeverEnding Story Ends after about an Hour and A Half.

2010-11-07T20:15:00.000-08:00

There have been many times in my life when I wished I could hop on the nearest luck dragon and chase my fears into a dumpster while I pump my fist in the air and yell "Yeah! Yeah!"

It's hard to review a movie with such nostalgic weight to it, so, to be perfectly honest, I am not going to review this movie, but rather talk about it.

This movie had a profound effect on me as a child. I know what you are thinking, you are thinking this movie rekindled a deep love of books, but no, it didn't, I have never been much of a reader, dyslexia saw to that. (By the way, do you know how much of a pain it is to spell the word "dyslexia" when you have dyslexia?) No, it didn't send my flying into the arms of a leather bound book or even a paperback. It did, however, make me love bookstores.

Not just any bookstore will do though, no. Barnes & Nobles are too sterile, too clean. A bookstore, a proper bookstore, should be a bit messy, it should have books piled up, books overflowing from the shelves and display cases. It should smell like leather, paper and just a hint of mold, and be run by a very old and wise man.

The NeverEnding Story was the first time I ever saw a bookstore like that. It promised safety and adventure.

Sometimes I will walk into a bookstore, with no intention of buying a book, just to look around and smell the place... and maybe look for a fantastic book that has the power to draw its reader in.

Star Trek

2010-11-07T16:50:00.000-08:00

The new Star Trek movie is as if the old Star Trek shot up a combination of smack and Mountain Dew straight into its arm and started frantically and expertly humping a beautiful and nerdy tattooed girl in the backseat of a hot rod with the blaring of AC/DC on the radio providing the only background accompaniment to her passionate moans of ecstasy.

IT'S. BAD. ASS.

Within the first 15 or so minutes of the movie, a 12-year-old James T. Kirk steals a vintage 1960s Corvette and starts blasting -- and I am not kidding here -- "Sabotage" by the Beastie Boys. At the last moment he leaps from the speeding convertible just before it goes skidding off a cliff. BAD ASS!

The movie keeps that tone through out while still being nerdy.

The cast is amazing. Admittedly, it was a little hard for me to accept them. I kept expecting Spock to cut open Capt. Kirk's brain in order to steal his powers, Scotty to fight off a horde of zombies (most likely comprised of Red Shirts), and Sulu to hijack the whole operation in an attempt to find the nearest White Castle. These expectations were obliterated pretty quickly, although when Kirk's mother was being wheeled to a shuttle in the midst of giving birth to him, I was disappointed when no one got it when I yelled "Where's House?" Other than that, though, the cast managed to separate themselves from their past roles like a lizard can separate itself from its tail.

Zachary Quinto was the ideal pick to play Spock: having played a serial killer in Heroes, he has become quite adept at pulling off the whole I-am-completely-divorced-from-emotion-except-for-the-odd-outburst-of-rage thing. Also, he pulls off the bowl haircut better than anyone I have seen since Leonard Nimoy.

Chris Pine is just as brash and bold as you would hope a young Jim Kirk would be. In the bar fight he gets in (yes, there is a bar fight), he doesn't give a shit that he is getting the crap beat out of him because he "doesn't believe in no-win situations." It takes a hell of an actor to pull off that level of arrogance and make it believable.

I have to say, I am not often attracted to black girls (not a racist, they just don't get my blood working) but I would gladly make an exception for Zoe Saldana, who played Uhura, I am sure the things I want to do to her would not be approved of by the Federation.

(Not often attracted to green girls either, that also changed)

I don't think it was much of a stretch for Simon Pegg to play Scotty seeing as how Scotty was the punchline for most of Star Trek. That being said, he did a great job of being Scottish.

John Cho, better known as Harold from all those movies where he and Kumar go places, was a little bit hardcore, but I guess anyone who has sword fight after parachuting onto a space drill and doesn't die like some crazy Red Shirt would be hardcore.

Leonard Nimoy was awesome as old Spock. I heard tell that William Shatner was hella pissed that he was never asked to make a cameo as the aging Capt. Kirk but, as much as I love Mr. Shatner, he did not age as gracefully as Mr. Nimoy and having him in the movie would have spread a kind of cheesiness over the whole thing that would have upset the balance of the film. Leonard Nimoy could never be as cheesy as his friend, though: he always had an air of dignity and grace about him even when he was doing guest spots on Futurama, and he brings all that into his role (not just a cameo, a critical fucking role).

But the best actor of all was Karl Urban in the role of surly doctor Bones. The other actors get about 99.9% of their role right, the things they miss are difficult things to get right when someone has already played your part 40 years beforehand -- speech patterns and intonation, things like that. I will be damned though if Karl Urban doesn't hit the nail on the fucking head, he sounds and acts just like the original Dr. McCoy right down to the way he pauses or curses.

The plot is a stroke of brilliance. The story line manages to retcon the entire Star Trek world while still keeping the original cannon intact. I mean, I really can't go on about it without completely destroying you with spoilers, but let's just say the Star Trek you once loved still gets to exist while a new one gets to have some fun.

This movie was like sex, and I am not just saying that because I wanted a cigarette afterward. It is not the action packed fuck-fest you had after half a bottle of Jameson with a hot stranger in college, this was more like coming home on a hot summer night from a long day at work and being greeted by your girlfriend of a few years: you fall into each other, you moan, you laugh, there are moments that are steamy and passionate, moments that are loving and moments where you frantically and expertly hump her. In the end you lay next to each other completely satisfied. So either Star Trek was that good or I need to get laid... probably both are true.

Matinee Showing

2010-11-04T20:59:00.000-07:00

The 1950s Cuban missile crisis has got everyone in Key West all hot and bothered -- everyone except for horror movie mogul Lawrence Woolsey, who has just rolled into town to promote and premier his new motion picture, Mant.

The showman is quickly befriended by Gene, who helps Lawrence out when he isn't in school, watching horror movies, or taking care of his little brother. Gene's dad has been called off with the rest of the military to help stop the Russians from giving weapons to the Cubans and everyone in town is going batshit, stocking up on supplies and timing their bunker doors to make sure they will shut before the nuclear blast can obliterate them.

The plot isn't stellar, I'll admit, but the movie has a lot of heart. It shows a period of time when going to a movie was a real treat, a time when gimmicks were a little more creative than slapping on a shiny coat of 3D. This movie gave a voice to an idea I have had for many years: people don't go to a movie to see a movie, they go to believe in magic again.

John Goodman (Monsters, Inc., Big Lewboski, Speed Racer) plays Lawrence with a lot of unexpected warmth and kindness. On the opposite side, Cathy Moriarty (But I'm A Cheerleader, Casper) plays leading lady and Lawrence girlfriend Ruth Corday with an icy coldness that, while amusing, seems a little out of place. Last but not the least of the adult cast is Robert Picardo (better known as the holographic doctor on Star Trek: Voyager) as Howard, the neurotic theater owner who is convinced the bomb is gonna drop any second.

The cast of kids is okay; they play their parts well, but none of them stand out above the crowed with two slight exceptions. Omri Katz played Stan, buddy to Gene, who later went on to play the lead in the TV show Eerie Indiana as well as Max in Hocus Pocus. He may not be the greatest in this movie, but the sheer amount of '90s nostalgia he brings with him makes up for it. The other kid I kept noticing was the actress Kellie Martin, who played Stan's love interest, Sherry. Something about her kept ringing a bell in my head until I looked her up on IMDb.com

The girl from this image...

...may be better recognized as the girl from this image:

That's right, Kellie Martin is motherfucking Roxanne from A Goofy Movie. How fantastic is that?

All in all I had a good time watching Matinee. It isn't the greatest movie ever made, but it is very charming.

I give it 5 stars for movie lovers, 3.5 stars for the general public.

Redeemed By Shawshank Redemption

2010-11-02T15:15:00.000-07:00

After watching the awful horridness of Ballistic: Ecks Vs Sever, I needed to cleanse my palate with something decent, something good, something with "redemption" in the title so I could make the obligatory joke about Ecks Vs Sever almost destroying my faith in cinema.

I had seen bits and pieces of Shawshank on TV, enough to pique my interest but not enough to hold it when in competition with the expansive wilderness of cable TV. I vowed that some day I would watch this movie in its entirety, and today I did.

The story is about Andy Dufresne (Tim Robbins Mystic River, High Fidelity) a young banker who's wife and lover get shot. The murder is pinned on Andy and he, a refined and educated man, gets thrown into Shawshank prison. There, he befriends Red (Morgan FreemanDark Knight, Seven) and a couple other guys, and together they try to make life tolerable and not get raped.

The movie is based on a story by Stephen King, which surprised me, because unless the story is about a haunted hospital or a demonic car one doesn't think it would be written by Stephen King.

The director, Frank Darabont (Green Mile, The Mist, Walking Dead) did a fantastic job. He managed to make the most enclosed and claustrophobic places feel big and open. I don't know how he did it, but the entire movie felt humble.

Everyone in the cast plays their parts wonderfully, none more so than Tim Robbins and Morgan Freeman. Robbins plays the part with reserve and a quiet charm and Freeman has a voice that is like fine chocolate milk for your ear.

It's a strangely simple movie, quiet and peaceful.

4 Stars!

Insert Witty Title About Ballistic: Ecks Vs. Sever Here

2010-11-02T00:14:00.000-07:00

The other day I went off on a rant about having to defend my reasoning for liking bad movies. I thought I would elaborate by showing that I know the difference between a good bad movie and a bad bad movie, so I watched a movie that has been widely regard as the worst film of our generation, Ballistic: Ecks Vs. Sever.

This is a bad bad movie. For example, everything said in the trailer is wrong. They are not sworn enemies, for a big chunk of the movie they don't even know about each other, and the whole "micro device" thing is a pretty small plot point. Also, every second that could be considered remotely interesting is in that trailer. In that 2 minutes and 28 seconds you saw pretty much every car accident and explosion.

The character development is weaker than an old man's piss stream. Not enough time is spent on anyone's back story for us to give a shit about what they are doing in the present. It's like "Oh, she is doing this because she once had a kid? I must have sneezed and missed the 2-second flash back of her holding a baby."

The director, Wych Kaosayananda, seemed to take all his directing cues from mid-90s TV action shows. It was as if he had taken all the aerial shots from Baywatch, removed all the bikini babes, the color, the sun and the fun, leaving us with dull gray shots of down town Vancouver, B.C.

The actions sequences felt very stilted and choreographed. It was like someone had taken highly skilled fighters and made them fight while encased by lime jello.

Antonio Banderas and Lucy Liu play the leads, but there is only so much an actor can do with an awful script and an inexperienced director. It's hard to tell if their acting contributed to a lousy production or if a lousy production affected their acting, either way you get no sense of emotion from either of them or any other actor for that matter.

Ballistic: Ecks Vs. Sever is a bad bad movie. If one or two people had put in a lot less effort it could have been a good bad movie (e.g., one liners so corny they make you laugh, fight scenes you can mock because you can see they aren't hitting each other, etc., etc.) and if one or two people had put in an insane amount of effort it could have been a slightly okay movie.

One star, one shameful star

The Misconception About B-Movie Fans

2010-10-29T18:03:00.000-07:00

Countless times, I have had to speak up and take a stand when my taste in movies has come under attack. Countless times, I have been at the video store with friends and my suggestions and selections are met with scoffs and eye-rolling. Countless times, I have heard, "You like bad movies."

You know what? Yes, yes I do like bad movies, but not for the reasons you think I do.

You see a plot involving thugs forcing the Ben Affleck character to dress as Santa and rob a casino. I see a chance to laugh at stupid one-liners and Ben Affleck's inability to be threatening while holding a gun.

You see a 1970's zombie movie. I see a chance to mock bad makeup and horrible synth music.

I like these movies because I like to revel in their badness. I know that a movie called Rock & Roll Nightmare stood no chance of ever winning an Oscar, nor would I want it to, I know that Death Race 2000 is not going down in history as a golden moment in cinema. I just like to laugh at the cheesy acting and gaping plot holes.

I LIKE TO MOCK BAD MOVIES.

I know the difference between a well-written script and a hack job, I know the difference between a high powered, professional camera and a rinky-dink digital one from Best Buy, I know the difference between Christopher Nolan and Roger Corman and I know the difference between Bruce Willis and Bruce Campbell.

What I am trying to say is, I like good movies because they are good and bad movies because they are bad. Don't get it mixed up.

Nicolas Cage: Wizard

2010-10-22T19:04:00.000-07:00

Ever since National Treasure, my friends and I have approached Nicolas Cage movies from one perspective: all Nicolas Cage movies are, in fact, real life documentaries about Nicholas Cage.

This explains two things about life as we know it:
1. It explains why Nicholas Cage's "acting" is more or less the same in every film. It's because he isn't acting, he is just living his life while someone happens to be filming.

2. It explains why no one is allowed to see the back of the Declaration of Independence.

I can hear you now, laughing off my theory like Christians laugh off evolution. "They can't be documentaries," you say, "they would have never been able to film that one where he is a knight or whatever because cameras didn't exist." Well did you ever think of this, you stupid monkey descendant? Nicolas Cage is a fucking wizard.

That is right, Nicolas Cage knows magic.

Case in point, The Sorcerer's Apprentice.

A cute little flick, and funny, too. In it Nicolas Cage must find the one person who is powerful enough with the magics that they will be able to stop the evil wizard Maxim Horvath from raising Morgana, the evilest wizard of all. Trouble is, the kid doesn't know he is a wizard and so Cage must train him.

"A-ha!" you say. "If it really is a documentary, how come that kid, Jay Baruchel, who was in such hilarious movies as Knocked Up and Tropic Thunder, is in this movie being equally as hilarious?" Now I must ask you, haven't you ever seen a look-a-like? Come on.

"Well" you say, nervously now that I have bested you twice, "what about the evil wizard Maxim Horvath? He looks an awful lot like the fantastic actor Alfred Molina who played Doc Ock in Spiderman 2." Anyone who is paying attention can deduce that Alfred is also probably a wizard, most likely a wizard who has given up on magic and devoted his life to acting in movies... but not this movie where he is, in fact, an evil wizard.

Now all you can do is sit back and wait for Nicolas Cage's next documentary entitled Ghost Rider 2.

I give Sorcerer 4 stars and an eye of newt.