Fantasy, Interrupted

so, here's to life

2015-06-25T01:19:00.001+02:00

When I was sixteen I became increasingly confident in my aesthetic choices and inclinations; what I liked looking at, listening to and reading. There was a clarity of self that I was proud of and found essential to the artistic work that I did or planned on doing. There was a peace and a confidence I enjoyed relentlessly and even bragged about (mostly to myself, may I note). When I turned 21 I realized how much of this pristine view I had lost. And, in a way, how much of myself I had lost, too. For a while I judged myself on my losing this innate part of me, which I felt aided me in everything I created. I have since begun the long and painful process of mourning this loss and accepting it as a blessing. Embracing the fact that I don't have to subscribe to a specific aesthetic which may have once defined me but no longer does is in a sense an aesthetic choice in itself. I have begun accepting I don't have to subscribe to an artistic path like I don't subscribe to a specific religion, sexual orientation or even gender identity. The freedom that comes with this realization and embrace is difficult and painful, despite the fact that I do believe it is a form of freedom.

This year has been a struggle in countless ways, and in ways that I find difficult to put into words. My mental health has been at its most strained as has been my love for what I do. I constantly have to remind myself that from struggle often stem the most beautiful and rewarding experiences, even art. I remind myself that pain is power and knowledge, and that identity struggle is a part of human life. And yet. And yet I keep thinking of eighteen year old me, secure in her ability even in times of stress; her will to go on because her vision is bound to be realized. I think of her and I think of me and the disconnect is so evident that I don't know how I will ever reach a point of security and love like that again. And I know what I should be thinking, how I should be reacting to change. I should be and in a way am proud of who I'm becoming and the path that I'm taking on. But the insecurity that comes in creating work that isn't a full representation of what I want to be or living a life full of anxieties I have no control over is exhausting at best and threatening at worst.

Here's to completing a full circle, jumping down and reaching the floor bloody and filled with scars but alive. Here's to future me waking up and living and continuing on making the world around me feel like it could be mine. Here's to me wrapping my wounds in the scraps that surrounding me and climbing back up towards the light. Here's to life.

You are your legacy

2014-06-01T00:07:00.001+02:00

What has life been like lately? My bland attempts at cataloging my work and experiences have resulted in my trying merely to "remember" certain events, occurrences, and emotions that I've lived through as of late. It's obviously not what I intended. When I consistently and frequently record things I've done, read, listened to, and watched, I feel really productive and it usually turns out to be an inspiring and motivating experience. But doing things frequently, or even consistently, feels like such an obligation that I end up not acting on it. But if it's so beneficial?!?!?! Why wouldn't I WANT to do it?!?! Consistency is so hard. And yet I KNOW that it's the basis for any kind of success I wish to attain.

But today I started looking back at the various methods of cataloguing that I DO keep updated, simply because they are truly easy to do so and also don't require much depth or effort on my part. Those tend to be Goodreads, which I obsessively update because I love keeping track of whatever it is I am reading (false sense of productivity, to be perfectly honest); Instagram, especially so since I began the #100happydays challenge, which I'm almost done with (this is a true test to my consistency abilities, and proves I CAN be consistent - haven't missed a day); and, finally, although less thoroughly, I've been keeping up with Pinterest, because it allows me to organize absolutely ANYTHING I want to, and speaks really closely to the perfectionist in me. So I guess I can be consistent, no? This should be enough proof. And yet, I realize that none of these things are really meaningful, in the way I'd like them to be.

I wish for more tactile experiences, sentimental and hands-on creative processes that take time and effort which allow me to value my work in relation to my life more. Outside of school and classwork, my own work is limited to birthday gifts for people and terrible doodles in scraps of paper. I wish I would force myself outside of the technological and, while useful, limiting world I've fallen into. I guess it's as easy as starting. But that's kind of the worst part - starting. Nothing's scarier for me than failure, hard work and time spent completely wasted on unsuccessful projects… I guess just the idea of doing something less than perfect makes me unable to proceed, and I wish that weren't the case.

Today, I went through my Youtube 'Favorites' playlist, which features an array of beautiful, meaningful, and tearjerking songs. They do catalogue my life at different times and I like to come back to it every so often to feel the pangs of emotion that come with remembering. Music is the best way to feel nostalgia, isn't it? You don't have to force your eyes to look at or read something, you can lie down and be in complete darkness, and still the emotions would be as strong as they were at that moment. And that playlist was the one that triggered all of this, and that reminded me of the necessity of cataloguing. Nostalgia IS useful, beautiful, introspective and an amazing creative outlet, despite the dangers of becoming "addicted to it". But, if the promise of future wonderful nostalgia is enough to puss me to catalogue and work, for MYSELF, that's enough. We all want to have a leave a legacy, even if it's for our future selves… even if it's for the dirt that will swallow it. Having a legacy isn't entirely about the person who finds it, but about the magnificent discharge of emotions which occurs in the process of creating it.

Don't Drown

2014-02-27T12:14:00.001+01:00

Photo credit: Aliza Razell

Lately life has been nice and stressful and filled with good things but also moments of a lot of anxiety. It's always kind of like that, balanced, in a way. But the anxiety weighs more that anything else. When they say "What is heavier, a liter of water or a liter of oil?" and you're supposed to answer "They weigh the same! One liter!" I don't believe it. What weighs more, an hour of blinding anxiety or an hour of happy complacency with the world? Trust me, anxiety weighs more. Happy moments are an appreciated break after the bad ones, but they don't fix too much. But hey, you kind of feel this pride in having survived a panic attack, or a really bad day. You're alive, right? That's what I hold on to. Not drowning. Optimism isn't for irrational people, it's for people who really don't want to drown.

Photo credit: Aliza Razell

So, not so long ago I had a conversation with someone who decidedly told me that pessimism is for reasonable people. When confronted with this, at first I felt a little bit offended because I believe quite the opposite, but then I realized that people deal with their daily problems in different ways, so maybe looking at your life like a black hole you want to crawl into will make the good moments especially refreshing and beautiful. However, having no expectations of life, while potentially seeming a simpler way to deal with certain aspects of it, can turn on you and instead leave you with a lack of will and excitement that can make you the most unhappy person in the world. I've always had my moments of darkness and pessimism, and it's impossibly hard to let go of them, they're so attractive and easy to feel - pain, sadness, disenchantment, anger... selfishness. What's really commendable is climbing out. So I'll keep turning back to positivity and optimism when I fall in the black hole, no matter how hard it is. I read somewhere most of the time we feel angry, sad or anxious over mere thoughts, which exist only in your head. Isn't it strange? We sometimes let all of these moments and ideas control our minds and our lives when you're the one forcing them upon yourself?

I guess life is just one big fight against yourself, to learn how to think better and love better and to lose the egoism which is falling into your sadness with no intention of coming back out. You will probably fall every so often, but I guess trying to come out is a choice, an optimistic one, and a commendable one, no matter what the outcome is.

I don't know why I wrote this but I guess there must be a reason if I did. Just try to be happy.

things from last month

BYE xx

Never looking down

2013-11-22T21:32:00.002+01:00

Ever since I turned 20, the world looks different. I think I can appreciate things more because I have a new sense of anxiety for the future that I had never apprehended would come so fast. Suddenly my life is supposed to "start" because most successful young people start being precisely that at my age. I just left my teens. I am not ready to face an ambitious life.

So I've been conflicted. On one hand I thought it time to read those books that people have always said are essential to the "Twenty-something" population (see: The Sun Also Rises, Hemingway; The Unbearable Lightness of Being, Milan Kundera; The Catcher in The Rye, Salinger... etc.). All that intellectual/coming of age stuff that I've always liked, but apparently I was too young to really appreciate the full meaning of. So I decided to read The Bell Jar, because I've always had this feeling that I would love Sylvia Plath, but I never really knew when or where to start. She's best known for being a wonderful and tragic poet, but she wrote a novel which is based off of her life and I loved it. I can see how still-teen-me wouldn't have felt the same way I felt when reading it this month.

On the other hand, I've been tapping into my inner pre-teen and feeling a kind of Benjamin Button thing going on in my head. I'm a huge fan of One Direction. It's something I've learnt to love and express now I've turned 20. Just a month ago the fact that I liked this boy band whose fan base is made up in its majority of 13-year-old girls, made me pretty embarrassed and this didn't allow me to really ENJOY the beauty and phenomena of One Direction. Now I am basically an adult (and this may sound ironic considering the topic of discussion at hand, but I digress), I feel in full control of this love of mine and I've been expressing it everywhere I go: "If you don't cry with 'Story of My Life' there's something wrong with you" or "But 'I Would' is SO GOOD. Like lyrically great. They don't say "Love", THEY SPELL IT OUT" are some examples. I'm also having a Taylor Swift moment, but that's ever-present and comes and goes, so that's not a surprise (I am, however, obsessed with a song which you should probably listen and dance to, 'Holy Ground').

Maybe I'm just being my nostalgic self with this back and forth, but I think it's gotten a bit beyond that, and I've just become the perfect balance of "innocence" and "maturity" (those two words are so encompassing they have to be in quote marks because they aren't fully defining), and I'm enjoying both sides extremely. Who says I can't read Walt Whitman and then listen and sing along to the full Red album by Taylor Swift? Why are these things not supposed to correlate? I can't try to grow up cultivated AND have diverse music tastes?

It makes me angry when people criticise my love for things like One Direction, because, as far as I know, you don't really chose the things you like. That would be EXTREMELY useful, as I have a couple of classes I'd like to not fall asleep in. But, alas, that is not a thing that happens. And it's unfortunate, but you should acknowledge it and move on, and when someone tells you they had a really great time the other night dancing around to a Justin Bieber song, despite your own feelings for that boy, the person who's telling you the story had a really great time, so be happy for them.

In my case, I usually gain people's respect in social situations which feature "nerdy" or "cultivated" or "rly so superr intellectual" boys, when the topic of either Star Wars or Lord of the Rings, comes up, because I'm a huge fan of both and these boys will appreciate a common, slightly eccentric passion like that (not that SW or LOTR is exceptionally weird at all, in fact I'm usually dumbstruck in these situations because SO MANY people like them that it shouldn't be an eccentricity in any case, but oh well.) It's great that I can always resort to these two topics to blend in and well in awkward moments. But, these people who are so "accepting" of you because you really enjoy Annie Hall, will be the worst when you express, politely, even, your problems with the film (500) Days of Summer. Don't even get me started if you include in your music favorites Led Zeppelin and Taylor Swift together. "Goodbye", they'll shout, mock-offended, "You are basically embarrassing yourself comparing the importance of Zeppelin with that little girl singing about her ex-boyfriends." The thing is, I'm done with being embarrassed. What is that word, even? It sound like pregnant in Spanish. I am not ashamed of having diverse hobbies and interests.

I had to bring this topic up because I've been thrown this idea in my face for too long. Liking or respecting someone solely on their musical/literary/cinematic interests seems so banal. I don't want to be an archetype of a Lord of the Rings fan. Because no one is. That's why it's called an archetype. It's an assumption and an exaggeration and I don't like it. If you're a die hard fan, great, if you kind of like it, great, if you don't care for it, GREAT. Hooray for being genuine. I don't want to be reduced to a concept, and it's become more and more clear after turning 20. I do want to dip my toes in the sea of "What Every Twenty-Something Should Do", because it's probably really enriching and interesting and a good chance to learn things. But if I want to simultaneously listen to "Don't Forget Where You Belong" by One Direction and love it, I'll do it. Fitting the mold is quite out of the question now I realize I'm twenty years old and don't truly fit in anywhere. Luckily you don't have to. If they tell you otherwise they are lying and are probably ashamed of some of their interests, too (they're probably die-hard Swifties and you won't know until you rock out to Red in front of them... just a thought.)

Hope you have a great day and wow, if you read this, imagine me blowing kisses to you because that's how I feel about you.

xx

I'm done with summer, thanks

2013-08-27T13:52:00.000+02:00

I was done with summer the day it started, to be honest, so it's been a rough couple of months for my cold heart. The only thing I like about this time of year is that I don't have classes, but that's quickly fixed because I've begun working for my retake exams in a couple of weeks. So right now I'm in a limbo between hating the weather and hating that I can't lay around watching movies and reading anymore in the coolness of my room. All of this I cover up with a shawl of fake positivity which is really just my undying excitement for Autumn. I cannot wait until I have leaves crunching under my feet and have to carry an umbrella just in case, and wearing hats and standing outside feeling the cold sneak under your coat and feeling glorious. At least I feel glorious. I'm an autumn child, you see, born in the beautiful month of October, so perhaps it's this that makes me so akin to the season.

Also, the beginning of the school year, however dreaded by academically-challenged characters such as myself, is actually a really exciting time. School shopping isn't what it used to be when you were ten, but it's still pretty neat. Starting things is one of my best abilities (continuing them, and *gasp* finishing them, is a whole other story), so starting a school year is really the epitome of 'beginnings'. Because, what's more of a start than a whole year of new classes, projects and information to drink up? I'm getting kind of stressed just by thinking about it. I should relax and think of things I want to buy, that always helps.

Without further ado, my Autumn Wishlist. I have dreams of all these items so I hope I'll be able to have them in my reach at some point. Thanks for reading! Do you share my feelings towards summer/autumn? I have a feeling it's an unpopular opinion... xx

1. Zara wool coat, 69,95€ 2. Zara Mini Citybag Office, 29,25€ 3. Zara Chelsea boots, 69,95€

4. iPad Mini, 329-659€ 5. M.A.C lipstick Film Noir, 19€ 6. Moleskine 3 Notebooks, 6€

Wait

2013-08-13T21:52:00.001+02:00

Tomorrow I am travelling to the magical land of Asturias to visit my soul sister Marina. I have this really heavy feeling in my heart because I feel like I need to go for my mental health.

Yesterday I witnessed the most beautiful sunset I have ever seen. I live on the outskirts of Madrid and it's quiet and open and, since our apartment faces the West (more or less), I get to experience the beauty of the sun setting every day in the most beautiful way possible. I have an obsession with the sunset as seen from my house. I could watch it for hours and I wish we would live constantly with it in the background. It's so fleeting, it's like in a second it's changed and the sun is gone and you look elsewhere and it's suddenly dark when it had just been bright orange. When it's mildly cloudy, I lose it. I lose control over myself and I wish desperately (really) that I could fly into it.

Most of the time I take photos of it because I need to show the world its amazingness. People don't really care for it as strongly as I do, though. I don't know why, the sunset and the sky and the sky at sunset are things that make me go to a completely different state of mind. I kind of feel like I'm swimming, which is the closest thing I'll every do to flying...

These are some photos I took. I took 60 in total but some were not worth it (taking them from my window sitting on my desk is an extreme sport, I tell you), so here are a few. Also, listen to this song.

Thoughts.

2013-06-22T21:03:00.002+02:00

I don't really know what to say lately, on here. So I won't say much. xx

Blood Bank

2013-04-08T17:39:00.002+02:00

These two are the only things I've had on my mind today. They're getting me through writing a tortuous project I have six hours to finish. They make me really happy in a calm, melancholic way. Hope you have/had a wonderful day.

Jean-Charles Castelbajac F/W 2013

2013-04-07T10:00:00.000+02:00

Jean-Charles Castelbajac F/W 2013

So if you know me, or have read this blog at all, my love for the Pre-Raphaelites and Romanticism will be evident (this post reflects my love for Ophelia from Hamlet quite nicely, and also, my banner...?). And when my lovely friend Sofía was delightful enough to tweet me THIS, I actually died. So it took me a week to look into this collection, but I finally did. And well... *SIGH* This collection is stunning as a whole but I have definitely become obsessed with the prints, mostly because they include my favorite painting, 'Ophelia' by John Everett Millais. I am a big fan of reflecting/mirroring images, and it's a technique (for lack of a better word) I use in my presentation dossiers for class all the time, because it gives dimension and a different light to a photograph or painting otherwise perhaps too unexciting. Some of the other prints in the collection are mirrored and are as beautiful, featuring beautiful paintings as well.

Jean-Charles Castelbajac F/W 2013

Also can we talk about this amazing dress and how it reminds me of Fantastic Mr. Fox? And don't we all need some Wes Anderson in our lives? Thought so.

To see the full collection you click here (where I got the photos, too)!

I hope you find this as wonderfully inspiring as I did. It's been two days in a row with inspiration, I hope you're happy, because it makes me happy to find beautiful things like this. Also my friend Sofía who kindly introduced me to this beauty has a blog she hasn't updated in a while but is wonderful nonetheless, check it out HERE. Thanks for reading, and hope you enjoyed! ♥ ♥

Meadham Kirchhoff

2013-04-06T12:19:00.001+02:00

Hi. :)
Browsing through Rookie today I came across another 'Behind the scenes' post on Meadham Kirchhoff. For all of you who don't know, it's a brand made up of Benjamin Kirchhoff and Edward Meadham, and, ever since I discovered them through Rookie (through this post ) my whole concept on fashion was kind of turned upside down. I had just begun my first year of studying fashion design, and I was (still am) unsure of what style or route to follow when it comes to design, so this was an essential moment for me and an enormous inspiration.

The feelings I developed for MK were, especially at the time, exceptionally large. I had been in love with Courtney Love for quite some time, and seeing her being reflected as MK's collection inspiration was too much for me. If you have time, check out that post, it's beyond beautiful and it's also an extremely insightful view from within a designer's studio, which to me is always the most exciting part of a collection.

Today I wanted to share my love for the Fall/Winter 2013 collection a little bit, which you can see above, because I've been in dire need of some proper inspiration lately, and this collection has come around to greet me happily, especially in the midst of designing a mini-collection for one of my classes, based on the kind of unknown Japanese subculture Mori Kei (or Forest Girl). It's looking like a good project for me, I'll keep you posted :).

On another note, I have (the past couple of days) caught up with "Game of Thrones" the series and I am writing all of this with a proficient british accent in my mind. It's kind of hard to not write like Ygritte would speak, with the best accent ever. So I am very happy with my having watched the show and am very in love with Sansa and Arya and also Cersei Lannister because pls. Also honorary mention to Khaleesi's hair and everyone's clothes and everyone's names.

Also me and my Rookie fan friends have just begun a Book Club/everything Club blog that you should check out HERE.

Hope you have a lovely day. xx

Sorolla

2013-03-17T22:04:00.002+01:00

Today I went to La Casa Sorolla which is the main museum for Joaquín Sorolla's paintings. He is a Spanish painter and this museum is actually what used to be his house. I'd seen larger exhibits of his work, and though his paintings are beautiful, I must say I enjoyed the visit mostly because of the house itself. Such wonderful detail was put into the decorations, you actually feel like you're wandering around the artist's house while he's making tea or something. Here are a few photos of the paintings and the house, including the garden, which is gorgeous, and basis for a lot of his works. I've been going to a lot of exhibits and things lately, and it makes me feel really accomplished. Tomorrow hopefully I'll be going to another one with a friend of mine, these are the best plans. I hope you enjoyed! xx

The rain in Spain

2013-03-16T20:33:00.002+01:00

Today I went on a tour of the more obscure places of El Retiro, one of Madrid's most important parks, if not the most important one. It wasn't as awe-inspiring as I'd imagined, but it was a lovely 2 hour walk around the legendary park, filled with interesting stories about it. It's one of Madrid's free cultural activities, which I think is awesome. I went with my mom and her friend, and, even though it was raining for the most part, that just made everything more beautiful. Really gorgeous. I leave you with a few photos of the expedition. (By the way, I have a new camera! Expect lots of pictures of everything from now on! :)

On our way.

Hercules Sculpture

Sculpture of Artemis

My beautiful Mom. <3

Playing around with Photoshop, although I wish it really did look like this.

These are a few photos I took, it was a lovely morning. Hope you liked them, and that you had a lovely day yourself!

Weekend Soundtrack

2013-03-16T15:33:00.000+01:00

Lykke Li - Melodies and Desires

Daughter - Smother

Bon Iver - Wash.

It's cloudy and rainy today and I'm very contemplative. This music keeps me in trance.

Inspiration Saturday

2013-03-16T02:04:00.000+01:00

As probably a few of you know, I'm in the process of making a 'film', which is more like an existential experiment in which really wonderful people from my life appear and who let me direct them in my weird stories. I can't lie. This is actually the most interesting thing happening in my life right now. I started thinking that the fact I'm so involved with this might be a response to an overwhelming sadness and unmotivation which has been sleepily creeping on me. But then I decided that it doesn't matter what this might be a response to, because all I really know is that I get so much joy in creating things only for myself. I then leave you here with a few of the sources of inspiration for this project that I have handily around the house. They are my favorite things to come back to. They make perfect before-bed stories, too. Whether it be dreaming of mythological monsters, of having a beautiful soundtrack to your life, or sitting under perfect lighting, all these elements of my life make me pensive and peaceful and wondrous.

Shall we start with the books?

From Left to Right: 'Alice's Adventures in Wonderland', byLewis Carroll. 'Monsters', by Christopher Dell. 'Mythologies', by Roland Barthes. 'Tree and Leaf', by J.R.R Tolkien.

These books are quite an agglomeration of beauty. This copy of Alice in Wonderland (or The Adventures of... rather) is one of four which I own, but I love it the most because it's big and old, and the original illustrations are kept along with other beautiful ones. It also contains Alice Through the Looking Glass, which is an essential for my literary inspiration for most things.
The book on monsters is a random purchase I made on a whim once, and it's basically all about religious/mythological creatures. It's also amazingly illustrated. It always gives me a supernatural and yet beautiful vision of death and danger, as well as mythology, whenever I need it.
Mythologies by Dr Roland Barthes is quite the strange one, too. I don't know how to classify it, but it could go under the 'essay' label, as an academic, thoughtful and funny account of the author's reflections on life. It's incredibly inspiring, and my most recent purchase. I'm not done with it, I'll keep you updated!
Another book which I find kind of unclassifiable is my favorite one as of late (behind Alice, no one beats her). I bought it whilst searching the meaning of the word "Mythopoeia" (Noun: The making of a myth or myths), and, seeing as it was written by one of my favorite people in history, JRR Tolkien, I decided to get a copy (and one for my dearest friend Blanca, because I thought she'd enjoy it), and it's a beautiful compilation of essays, reflections, short stories and poems by the author of The Lord of The Rings. My Father says it looks really boring. I think not.

From Top: Florence + the Machine - 'Ceremonials'. Grimes - 'Visions'. Florence + the Machine - 'Between Two Lungs'. Tchaikovsky - 'The Best of'.

Tchaikovsky - 'The Best of'. Florence + the Machine - 'Ceremonials'. Grimes - 'Visions'. Florence + the Machine - 'Between Two Lungs'.

I love listening to music on albums rather that online sometimes, because I like the continuity of the music and the handiness involved to change them when you're bored. But that's also the reason why I hate them. Alas, these are the top of my music inspiration, as well as having gorgeous covers. The full soundtrack to the film is in process and I will gladly share my selection when it's done. It's very promising if I may say.

'Lost in Translation', by Sofia Coppola. 'The Virgin Suicides', by Sofia Coppola. 'The Royal Tenenbaums' by Wes Anderson.

These are possibly my three top favorite films in the world. I will not talk about them even a little because that wouldn't be enough to express my love for them. I just urge you to watch them. The aesthetics, storylines, camera shots and directors/writers of these films are my real raison d'être when it comes to making ANYTHING creative.

I hope you have an amazing weekend, and, if you're in Spain, mini-break. You probably deserve it. Thank you for sharing my love for these things and allowing me to be boring and open about them.

I love you. xx

From the valley to the stars

2013-03-07T23:22:00.003+01:00

This song reminds me of not so long ago, when I first heard it and I lived, for a week, blissfully enchanted by it's lightness and simplicity. It literally has six words as lyrics. But it's beautiful. Now, the bliss I feel when hearing this song is merely a memory of that. It's the worst and most amazing feeling, when you fall in and out of love with a song. When you discover it and it overwhelms you, throwing your sanity out the window for the period of time you are constantly repeating the song, you literally are a purer version of yourself, enchanted by something as sublime as a song that touches your heart. When you grow out of it, it becomes a part of you, a limb, and it's useless until you need it, and when you do, it's there with you, and that security and peace you feel when you remember that is also overwhelming.

I think it was this song the one that sparked the idea. I am starting a project which I'm very excited about. It's a personal one, parallel to schoolwork but I guess also related? Video is probably my favorite means of expression, and I'm not really good at it, but I do feel like I want to be, so practicing with concepts I love I think will help me evolve... It'll be completely amateur but with a cast formed by some of my best friends from uni, who have graciously accepted to be featured in it. I don't want to give a lot away because there's a lot to consider, but it will be a film based on 10 different characters who are connected only in the way they feel about life and death. They'll be ten different parallel stories which will be tailored to each of my friends. I'm actually interviewing them tomorrow, and recording it for a kind of 'Behind-the-scenes', to create completely unique characters with their essence. If it all works out I will be involving myself in making an actual video of MYSELF (so outrageous) to explain the concept, because it's one I've had on my mind for a long time.

Just so you get an idea, the aesthetics which will probably feature in it will border on what I like to call 'sepulcral, subtle, semi-gore', which in my head is a mixture of The Shining by Kubrick and Lost in Translation and The Virgin Suicides by Sofia Coppola (three of my favorite films right there hehe).

I don't want to bore you with my incoherent thoughts about this any longer, but I'm very excited! If you want to see any of my other videos you can check My Youtube Channel, and I'll leave you with the first one I made last year, one of my favorites.

<3 xx

To muddy death.

2013-03-06T20:54:00.000+01:00

'Ophelia' by John Everett Millais

There is a willow grows aslant a brook,That shows his hoar leaves in the glassy stream; There with fantastic garlands did she come Of crow-flowers, nettles, daisies, and long purples That liberal shepherds give a grosser name, But our cold maids do dead men's fingers call them: There, on the pendent boughs her coronet weeds Clambering to hang, an envious sliver broke;
When down her weedy trophies and herself
Fell in the weeping brook. Her clothes spread wide;
And, mermaid-like, awhile they bore her up:
Which time she chanted snatches of old tunes;
As one incapable of her own distress,
Or like a creature native and indued
Unto that element: but long it could not be
Till that her garments, heavy with their drink,
Pull'd the poor wretch from her melodious lay
To muddy death

(Hamlet, by William Shakespeare)

Ophelia is such an amazing fictional character. Upon my fourth and definitely most enthusiastic reading yet of Hamlet, I have found myself holding on to the image of Ophelia like my personal religious icon, martyr even, memorising every word she speaks on paper, analising every reinterpretation made of her. A symbol of Romanticism, her death, brought by her own hands, is possibly the most beautiful to exist. In the play, her death isn't scened, only spoken of by the Queen (above), which allows a more creative and personal approach to her death. There are a million representations of that and of her life, always with the mystical aura of a water nymph, and always very solemn and pensive. In Shakespeare's play, Ophelia goes mad after a series of unfortunate events which attack to her precious, innocent, undeserving (of cruelty, that is) soul. But, in my heart, Ophelia simply begins to exist on another plane parallel to ours, to everyone's, where looking for logic is illogical and, where if your heart asks you to sleep eternally in the river, you'll lay there and wait for nature to play its part and make you a part of it. 'Ophelia' in Latin means 'help'. But I think the only help she ever needed was the one to get her out of the world she didn't belong in.
That is why Ophelia is my everything, because she didn't succumb to the world, but to nature, which should be the natural thing to do, no?

Velvet

2013-02-23T23:42:00.000+01:00

I made a thing for my friend (the ever mentioned) Marina, and her blog. I think it turned out all right. This is the one she chose:

And this is my fumbling away with photoshop, nose bleeding and all (if you know me, you probably know it's an element I tend to repeat ^^)

Just thought I'd pop in and tell you about it, I had a lot of fun with it!

ANNND visit Marina's blog: http://www.velvetmarina.com/

I never told you what I do for a living

2013-02-23T17:09:00.002+01:00

Hi! Long time no see. I return to the blogosphere to present an already kind of old project of mine, which was once again, a collaboration with my soul sister Marina.

To be perfectly honest, this project was really a failure in many ways as well as an eye-opening experience. The process of development of the project in question lasted the whole first term of this school year. Long-term projects aren't my thing, especially when the theme wasn't very motivating and I was stuck in an emotional well of self-doubt. Now, looking back, I realise so many things which I could have changed, to make the project worthy of a good grade and recognition.

This project was done by everyone in my year, to 'compete' for a place in the Madrid Bridal Fashion Week, which is in May. 26 of my super talented classmates were selected (they were all breathtaking, believe me, such genius at work there). Needless to say, I wasn't one of them. NONETHELESS it was overall a very teaching experience. I now feel like I can't do any worse, and I kind of got out of the emotional well. Which means I am able to show you how I approached this project. I feel like I can now criticise it knowledgeably and not get sad. Also, I think it wasn't that horrifying. Judge for yourselves. I did work hard on it and I still feel proud of the result, so keep in mind I love it in the way a mother loves their most ungracious child.

These are a couple of the photos I took of Marina and the dress. You can see the rest on My Flickr.

Finally I leave you with a video I made alongside it. I am forever thankful to Marina for enduring my projects, and being positive about them despite everything.

Please, tell me what you think! xx

Radiohead

2013-01-05T22:12:00.001+01:00

This felt relevant.

Radiohead is one of my favourite bands. But I can’t listen to it for too long because I’ll go crazy. Melancholic, nostalgic, drowning in incomprehension. There’s so much that I love about these feelings. Lying on my back on the floor, on the bed, listening to ‘Fog’ or ‘Nude’ or ‘Idioteque’, and being transported to a mechanical world where everything is metal and there is no sunlight and the air tastes like blood. There is so much I adore, and need to be transported to this world where the sound is a constant hum of a factory and no humans are to be seen. This ghost world of nothingness, and complete and utter industrialization, so to speak, is as appealing as the ever glamorised balcony overlooking the Eiffel Tower, as appealing as the idea of walking in New York, never looking down. Every one of those things is appealing to a different side of me and is accompanied by a soundtrack, and every song is as essential to my being as the last. But… but. Nothing compares to a world that doesn’t exist. Walking around my neighbourhood at 5am is the closest I’ll get. There’s no light, not a person in sight. There will be a light noise of a car passing by somewhere or the wind making a tree wobble. There is nothing like walking through lonely streets immersed in a world played by Radiohead. Life turns grey and blue and electronic and pure but not of this world.

I can’t listen to Radiohead for too long because I long for this world I created when I heard ‘Paranoid Android’ for the first time. And it has never left me, this longing. And I never am fully there, which is exhausting, frustrating and yet strangely relieving.

November's gone

2012-12-01T18:33:00.000+01:00

All these months that end in 'ember' make me incredibly happy. Ember is such an amazing word, too, isn't it? The remnant of a dying fire. Which I guess symbolize the dying of the hotter months. I wonder if it's linked to that idea in any way? The day people made up names. Maybe that's what they thought about.

Anyhow. November's good as gone. And it's flown by so suddenly, so quietly, not leaving me time to concentrate on what it means to be almost done with the year. So scary. To keep my mind off of scary things, which is what we all need to do, always, I decided to share my favorite November things. I was planning on starting a "Weekly Favorites" kind of deal, but then December crept up and my weekly favorites are really my November ones (why? Because this month felt like a week, THAT'S WHY). So I thought I'd share it with you, lovely reader.

I'm of the opinion that people's favorite things make them who they are, and if those things change all the time, well, they're just that more interesting. And knowing little details of what people like always makes me happy. I hope it makes you happy, too.

FIRST: let's start with things I can't photograph. Music and Film. This month has, yet again, been dedicated to being absorbed by the magic of Bon Iver. So I leave you my favorites.

Two films I saw on November which I LOVED were Looper and Argo. To be fair, I watched the latter yesterday, but it counts! It was November still!

Looper was an amazing time-travel film, but it's definitely not for everyone... Most people I heard when coming out of the theatre either really disliked it or didn't understand it. I understood it and I thought it was a really simple film, but really very well made. Argo I saw with my best friend Fabiola, and we both loved it. It has the typical American sensationalist feel to it, very dramatic, but also based on true events, which always makes me curious. It's also based in the Middle East, and if you know me at all that's something I'm very interested in. I recommend both to anyone! They're a good time; not going on my all time favorites, but definitely nice to watch.

Instagram: Here are my Instagram photos of the month!

1-Taking a walk with Marina and ending up in the end of the world/ 2-Cupcakes made by friend Ale!/ 3- My friend Ini is home for the weekend/ 4- My best friend's birthday dinner!/ 5- I fell and hurt my knee but it's pretty (also this pic is from my friend Dei)/ 6- My Romwe skirt♥/ 7-My favorite Tea/ 8- Watching Across the Universe with my lovely Sarah/ 9- Patterning will kill me/ 10- What we do in textile class./ 11- My friend Carlota's beautiful illustration/ 12- It's December!!!

Books: The last couple of weeks I read The Hunger Games trilogy, which I thoroughly enjoyed! The last book was kind of slow and definitely the worst of the three in terms of storyline (a bit disappointing), but the series as a whole was incredible! I'm glad I've finally read them, I've been wanting to for a while.

I read an ebook, though, which makes everything better and more practical until you run out of battery on the train.

I'll post my fashion favorites tomorrow, because I feel like, otherwise, this post will be unnecessarily long ;). I leave you with some visual inspiration, and I hope you had an AMAZING month, and that December will be just as wonderful (It will be, we have Christmas).

Love you all! xx

'Pride and Prejudice'

Comme Des Garçons

'Beginners'

Toby Edward Rosenthal - Elaine

Cooper Gotch

Herbert James Draper

'The Dreamers'

Halloween Collaboration - Finally...

2012-11-09T15:05:00.005+01:00

I'm pretty late in the game, talking about Halloween like it's just passed, but I completely fell out of the blogging loop, as per usual! Forgive me. But the collaboration I did with my lovely Marina (her blog is the best) is pretty awesome to not mention, even if it doesn't seem that relevant right now (Christmas is really around the corner, which is weird; we were just melting under the summer sun what seems like yesterday!).

Inspired by the (then) upcoming Halloween, Marina and I joined creative forces, her with her brilliant modelling anything I put on her (remember this video?), and my photography skills. Who knew I had such skills? Not me. It was so much fun, really, creating a character which ended up being nothing very specific... a bit Morticia Addams, Corpse Bride, Zombie Widow... It's anything you want it to be. My metal wire doll I made a few years ago was featured (as well as my bat stuffed animal, Nosferatu, but you can't really see it), completely randomly, but it could mean a million things, too! It could be a voodoo doll, a product of the character's imagination in her pain of loss... Anything.

I leave you a few pictures of the shoot, but you can see them all here!

I forgot to add! The Skeleton hands T-Shirt was made by my beautiful friend Sarah Crevillén. You can see her AMAZING illustrations on her blog!

Finally, I made a little video of this shoot. We had nearly no light whatsoever nearing to the end of the shoot, but I hope you like it!

Tell me what you think, and thank you for reading! I hope you have a lovely day. xx

Autumn Inspiration: Jean-Paul Gaultier A/W 2005

2012-10-23T13:38:00.001+02:00

Most of my lovely Spanish readers, or, more specifically, those of you who live in Madrid, are probably aware that there's an exhibit in the museum Fundación Mapfre, which showcases some of Jean-Paul Gaultier's best work. He is truly an icon; I don't know a lot of people (interested in fashion or not) that don't know of him. The exhibit is free to visit, so I recommend ANYONE to attend it! It's incredibly beautiful, the clothes are stunning and there's an atmosphere that you can breathe in the place. It's absolutely wonderful. It's a pity it really is quite a short exhibit, considering the vast amount of designs that could potentially be shown, as the designer has been working marvels for decades.

My favorite of the looks in the exhibit. The faces are really projectors casting the image on a blank mannequin face! They move, and speak - so wonderful.

In relation to my visit to this exhibition and an overall admiration for this man, which was also incremented upon my first year of uni last year and learning of the cultural background which allowed JPG to shine in the first place, I've come across one of his collections, namely the Autumn/Winter collection of 2005. It was total randomness, to be perfectly honest, how I came across it, but I love it! I recognise a few pieces that were in the exhibit, like the furry hats with jewelry hanging off it, it really stuck with me because it gives such a wonderful Russian winter meets Byzantium feel. I actually found this collection utterly inspiring as a whole. Though some of the looks were seemingly a little dated (we're talking about 7 years ago!), there were pieces that were so gorgeous I felt I needed to make a post all about it, my autumn inspiration for this year! Here are a few of my favorite looks.

So gorgeous, right?! I decided to go onto Polyvore as well, as I was very, very inspired by this collection, to try to round up the things I loved most of it and try to find a more practical outcome to these wonderful looks!

See products here

I hope you liked it, I find this style endlessly exciting, like living in a faerie tale where the main character is Agna, princess of Siberia who is marrying a prince of a far away land who brings her emeralds and they want to live in a forest. Or something like that. Tell me what your favorite autumn style is, and if you like this style! Have a lovely day. xx

Birthday Comeback! ♥

2012-10-21T19:26:00.000+02:00

I should get back on the blogging scene, it made me incredibly happy. Perhaps today is a good day to. It's my birthday! I hope everyone is having as lovely a day as I am and have had. I've been gone for a good 7 months from this blog, but I intend on coming back pretty strongly now- it just makes me feel productive and satisfied, I have no idea why I've been gone, other than pure, old, laziness... I'm known for it ;). I thought I'd share my favorite things I've been liking as of late, to kind of give you a look into what I've been up to (not much, believe me.)

Music: The 28th of October I'm going to the Bon Iver concert in Madrid, and, dare I say I'm dying to go? I'm so excited it should be illegal, and I'm going with one of my loveliest friends who coincidentally bought the ticket for me as my birthday present. Too wonderful. To prepare, I've been listening to them over and over and, hand in hand with the improving weather (colder, cloudier, rainier... definitely improving), it's the perfect soundtrack to my life lately. This is the song by them which I've been listening to the most. The rest are a few I've been loving, too!

And... anything sounds better with the sound of rain in the background... This is my favorite website ever: http://www.rainymood.com/

Instagram: This really just defines my life lately because I love to document my every activity with it (maybe I'm exaggerating a tiny bit), but I love it, it looks pretty, it's a way of keeping a diary (more or less,) and it's just fun to use, really. I'm @cristina_barba on it. ^_^

1- The most lovely light on my way to class/ 2- La Puerta del Sol/ 3- My uncle and my dad in their 20s, wonderfully stylish/ 4- New faerie lights for my room!/ 5- The statue of Velázquez on El Paseo del Prado, taking a walk in Madrid/ 6- The weather lately... perfection./ 7- My mum and I/ 8- The Jean-Paul Gaultier exhibit in Madrid/ 9- My lovely best friend and I/ 10- Going out for my birthday this weekend!/ 11- Quote of the week by Picasso/ 12- Birthday lunch at Tommy Mel's

Films: I made a collage and posted it on Tumblr which documented my favorite films watched or re-watched over the summer, and it hasn't really changed since then. I'm actually planning on watching these all over again because they have become some of my favorite films.

The Dreamers isn't for everyone, to be perfectly honest, and it definitely helps if you know French (which I don't very well, mind you), but it's so beautifully made and it's such an unusual story... I adore it. I saw An Education pretty early on in the summer so I don't remember it as well, but it's also extremely beautiful and relatable (perhaps not in the literal sense of the plot). And Moonrise Kingdom and Brave have been the two best films I've seen in the cinema in a loooong while. I strongly recommend all of these to any of you who think you share interests with me, as they can be considered quite particular.

Vlogs: I've been REALLY into Youtube lately, since my obsession with make up increased, so, if you like these sort of things, I want to share with you my favorite Youtube channels. (These aren't just make-up, by the way, they're all a bundle of wonderful awesomeness)

Rachel Whitehurst
Grav3yard Girl
Clothes Encounters
Coffey Chat
Beauty Crush
Lorena Rubiano, MY FAVORITE (or will be)! She's a lovely friend of mine who just started her own vlog channel! I am patiently awaiting more videos!

And now a bunch of random favorite things and such :)

Perfect Autumn outfit

Buddha at Nygyen Taktsang monastery

I'm obsessed with Frida Kahlo lately.

The outfits... Especially the one on the left... Marvellous.

Meadham Kirchoff Studio

Life philosophy

Hope you're all doing wonderfully and I hope this marks my return to blogging again, I missed it. I love you all. xx

New things!

2012-02-17T22:38:00.002+01:00

Today I bought make-up! I love it. I have a headache so forgive me for my short lines. Although... maybe it bothers you I over-explain things all the time and write run-on sentences and such. Which I am doing... right now. Anywho, I bought the 'Naked' palette by Urban Decay (40€) which I've been dying to buy, and a brush from Sephora (13€) and then I went to H&M and got make-up there too, because I'm all for Tha Kualityy. Oh, it's a blush. It's a coral-y pink. I like it. Here are some pictures!

Apart from that, it has been a long week and I am tired as fuck because I had an exam today and eegh. I just want to sleep for more than 4 hours today so I can be happy ^_^. Other than that my thoughts today revolve around the fact that I really want to play the accordeon, that the MacBook keyboard is so much lovelier than any other keyboard and... that... I like this girl's style.

And this version of Cosmic Love. <3

x Have a lovely weekend, you wonderful beings

I think it's time to get to work

2012-02-09T14:49:00.004+01:00

Pff. Debería estar haciendo cosas responsables. Como estudiar Tecnología Textil. O haciendo el trabajo de diseño. Pero hoy JURO que me pongo a ello. Intentaré hacer todos los dibujos para Diseño posibles. Y para motivarme, mientras los haga los voy posteando. Así no tengo excusa. MUAHAHAHA.

Me pongo a las 15.00. tengo veinte minutos. Ay. Os dejo con mi daily inspiration.

YA ME VOY! 10 minutos. Waaaaaaaaa.