FART ANGELS

Under professional management!

2013-03-06T12:05:00.002-08:00

Our Fart Angels collaborative, and the Artist in consist of, is now professionally managed and represented by The Top Talents artist management.

www.TheTopTalents.org is the premier international creative talent management organization to foster, promote and manage professional musicians, writers, poets, painters, sculptors, cartoonists, actors,models, singers, song writers, and comedians, to name a few!

We look forward to successful 'commercialisation" of the fart art

Be well & stay flatulent my friends!

Пердит ли рыба?, или Do fish fart?

2012-05-15T14:19:00.001-07:00

Когда вы получаете вопрос, как "пердит ли рыба?" это представляет собой прекрасную возможность скрасить скучный жизни ученых. Япослал срочные запросы по всему миру. Лучший ответ на вопрос о том, рыба пердеть: "Они делают, если они мужчины".

Рыбий метеоризм не был одним из основных направлений биологических исследований, поэтому следующие несколько условно.

До некоторой степени ответ зависит от того,как вы определяете "пердеть". Многие рыбы имеют плавательного пузыря, что они раздувают или выкачать, сколько необходимо для поддержания плавучести. Обычно любой изгнаны газ выходит из полости рта и будет правильно считать отрыжка.

Тем не менее, песок тигровая акула, Carcharias Телец, глотка воздуха в животе на поверхности, а затем выпускает ее через заднюю дверь, чтобы достичь желаемой глубины. Конечно,это квалифицируется как метеоризм в обычном смысле этого слова.

Но пуристы могут возразить, что это не так пердеж - то есть побочный продукт пищеварения. После этого мы получим в несколько спекулятивной сфере. В теории метаболизма любое животное производит двуокись углерода, в то время как бактерии в кишечнике производят метан. Оба должны быть очищены чтобы рыба теряет способность контролировать свою плавучесть. Углекислый газ, как правило, выводится через газотранспортную с жабрами, метан должен уйти каким-либо другим способом. Тем не менее, фактический наблюдений пукая рыба редко - и давайте смотреть правде в глаза, подводный, это не явление, которое можно легко спрятать.

Некоторые эксперты говорят, пищеварительной газов объединены каким-то образом с калом рыбы, которые упакованы в желатиновых трубки, а затем выслан из страны. (Часто рыба ест, то это - не зря является изучение рыб называют ихтиологии

Некоторые виды рыб, наблюдатели утверждают,имеют контрольные пузырь или два побега из кормовой рыбы после того,как проглотил воздух у поверхности (я слышал, это говорит о тарпон). Но опять же,это не совсем продукт пищеварения. На веб-Я видел, утверждают, что, поскольку коралловые состоит из карбоната кальция, который в сочетании с желудочной кислотой выделяется углекислый газ,коралловых рыб, питающихся должно производить пукает в изобилии.

Если это правда, мне кажется, твари, в непосредственной близости от типичных коралловых рифов должны испускать леса пузырей. В общем, много исследований еще предстоит сделать.

Может быть, вы могли бы организовать экспедицию и дайте нам знать!?

When you get a question like “do fish fart?” is a golden opportunity to brighten up scientists' dull lives. I sent urgent inquiries all over the globe. Best response on the subject of whether fish fart: "They do if they're male."

Fish flatulence has not been a major focus of biological research, so the following is somewhat tentative. To some extent the answer depends on how you define "fart." Many fish have a swim bladder that they inflate or deflate as necessary to maintain buoyancy. Usually any expelled gas exits from the mouth and would properly be considered a burp. However, the sand tiger shark, Carcharias taurus, gulps air into its stomach at the surface, then discharges it out the back door to attain the desired depth. Surely this qualifies as flatulence in the common sense of the term.

But purists may object that this isn't true farting--that is, a by-product of digestion. We then get into a somewhat speculative realm. In theory any animal's metabolism produces carbon dioxide, while bacteria in the gut produce methane. Both must be purged lest the fish lose the ability to control its buoyancy. Carbon dioxide is typically eliminated via gas transport to the gills; methane has to escape some other way.

However, actual sightings of farting fish are rare--and let's face it, underwater this isn't a phenomenon that could be easily concealed. Some experts say digestive gases are consolidated somehow with the fish's feces, which are packed into a gelatinous tube and then expelled. (Frequently the fish then eats this--not for nothing is the study of fish called ichthyology.) The point is, no farts.

Some fish observers claim they see a telltale bubble or two escape from the stern of a fish after it has gulped air at the surface (I have heard this said of tarpon). But again, this is not strictly a product of digestion. On the Web I have seen the claim that inasmuch as coral is made of calcium carbonate, which when combined with stomach acid produces carbon dioxide, coral-eating fish ought to produce farts in abundance. If true, it seems to me, the critters in the vicinity of a typical coral reef should emit forests of bubbles unequaled since the days of Lawrence Welk--not the impression one usually gets. Then again, few visit reefs specifically for the purpose of detecting fish farts. In short, much research remains to be done. Maybe you could organize an expedition and let us know.

С удовольствием отвечаем члену (Анонимному)!

2012-05-05T14:01:00.000-07:00

Ответ:

Вы не только нормальная, но ещё и реальная как сами пуки и пердёжь-мне б такую!

Ваш парень, к сожалению, претенциозный демагог, который сам выпускает зловонные "шептуны" во всех лифтах Вашего города.

Более, он не понимает благотворное влияние собственного пердежа на Ваше психо-соматическое равновесие.

Если у Вас вдруг закончатся собственные пуки, советую заказать "Liquid Ass" (Жидкая Жопа) на http://www.liquidass.com/ Это дёшево, сердито и даёт Вам возможность оросить своим ароматом целое помещение.

А пока, гоните этого парня и ищите себе того, с кем сможете пердеть в унисон!

Пердите сами, пердите с нами, предите вместо нас!

Do rabbits fart?

2012-05-03T14:31:00.004-07:00

Quite simply – yes. In fact, nearly all animals do, as it’s a necessary part of digesting food.

Nearly all animals?

Well, almost. If by ‘fart’ you mean ‘release gas from the gut’, then all animals with guts will, in fact, fart. Insects, fish, lizards, snakes, cats, dogs, mice, elephants . . . almost any creature you can think of. In fact, the only ones that don’t fart are those that didn’t evolve guts – like sponges, jellyfish and some types of worm. Guts are for taking in food and plopping out waste products, and these animals either absorb food through the surface of their bodies, or eat and poo through the same hole.

Gross. I think I’d rather have guts.

Absolutely. But then you have no choice but to fart. As food is digested in the gut, gases are made from the chemical reactions inside. So it’s either fart or starve for most animals. Including us.

Really?! You mean you have to fart? That’s brilliant!

Well, again, that depends on what you mean by ‘fart’. If you mean ‘release gas from your bottom’, then, yes – you have to.. It’s happening all the time, whether you like it or not. But if you mean ‘trumpet loudly and award yourself a mark out of ten’, then no – this isn’t strictly necessary.

Curses. So farts are just food gas from our guts, then?

Well, that’s not the whole story. Most animals (including us) also have bacteria living in their guts that release more gases as they, too, break down food. Many animals – particularly plant-eaters like rabbits – couldn’t live without these bacteria in their guts. For land animals, some fart gas also comes from air swallowed with food accidentally. All this gas has to go somewhere, so it gets pushed along with the food to the animal’s bottom . . . and you know the rest. Of course, some animals fart more than others.

OK – which ones? I have to know...

Some animals produce so much fart gas that it spreads around the planet’s atmosphere and plays a role in global warming. Scientists used to think cows were one of the worst for this, but it turns out that it’s probably their burps, rather than their farts, that do it. Termite farts, on the other hand, produce more methane (one of the gases involved in global warming) than all of our cars, planes and factories put together! The termites can’t help this, of course. It’s because they need more of those gut bacteria than most animals in order to digest their woody diet. But it has earned them the number one spot in our Top 10 animals that fart list. The rest are in no particular order, other than how stinky I’ve found them to be.

Top 10 animals that fart

Termites
Camels
Zebras
Sheep
Cows
Elephants
Labradors/Retrievers
Humans (vegetarian)
Humans (others)
Gerbils

Сокращенный, но не очень грамотный перевод для наших друзей в России
бходимой частью переваривание продовольствия.

Почти все животные?

Да, почти. Если Пук это непроивльное явления 'выпустить газ из кишок', то все животные с кишками пердятю Пердят насекомые, рыбы, ящерицы, змеи, кошки, собаки, мыши, слоны.. почти любое существо, вы можете думать о.

В самом деле только те, которые не пердят являются те, которые не развиваются кишки – такие как губки, медузы и некоторые типы червя. Кишки предназначены для принятия в продуктах питания и вывода отходов производства, и эти животные поглощать продовольствия через поверхность их тела и выпускаю отходы также.

Ну это не вся история. Большинство животных (включая нас) также имеют бактерий, живущих в их кишках, которые выделяют дополнтельное количество в процессе переваривания продовольствия.

Самые большие пердуны среди животных

Термиты

Верблюды

Зебры

Овцы

Коровы

Слоны

Лабрадоры-Ретриверы

Люди вегетарианцы

Люди

Пердите сами, пердите с нами, пердите громче нас!

Angel's Fart - Hand printed stockings

2012-04-28T15:45:00.000-07:00

Les Queues De Sardines - Angel's Fart - Hand printed stockings from Normandy, France..

Just endorsed by the Fart Angels and can be worn separately and with other FarrAngels' official wear.

Screen-printed by hand in limited quantities, these rare and exclusive articles, just like your exquisite farts, will never go unnoticed.

This endorsement is purely cultural and artistic and is non-commercial.

Show them if got them!

Fish Farts in Japanese Fart Scrolls.

2012-04-27T16:55:00.000-07:00

I was doing research for another post a while back, and found something a bit…unusual. It was an old Japanese scroll about farting.

No, you didn’t misread that last sentence. The whole scroll, which is called He-Gassen (“The Fart Battle”) is just about people farting. Farting at other people, farting at cats, farting off of horses, farting into bags; just farting everywhere.

Why? I couldn’t really tell you. I’ve tried to do some research but, believe it or not, academic literature on Japanese farting is surprisingly few and far between.

I found some relevant articles on my old university’s academic databases, but the only way I could obtain them would be to request them printed out and go pick them up. Which, you know, isn’t something I really want to do.

I can only imagine what it would be like if I went back to school to pick up my fart literature:
“Hi, how can we help you?”
“I’m here to pick up some articles I put on hold.”
“Sure, what are they about?”
“Well, they’re, um, about farting.”
“…”

I did find out enough to know that this isn’t the only farting scroll out there in existence – in fact, in the 90s, a collection of fart scrolls sold for $1,500 at the famous Christie’s auction house. I am not making this up.

I also found out that the famous uikyo-e artist Utagawa Kuniyoshi also dabbled in fart art, painting a piece depicting dudes farting at each other.

Perhaps the greatest piece of this farting scroll is a giant panorama of four dudes farting into a building, and the chaos ensuing within. Click on the picture below for the full-sized version because really, it’s not something you wanna miss out on.

In the end, I think I tried to read too far into this. I kept expecting to find some deep cultural explanation as to why these guys made whole scrolls about farting. But I think it really just boils down to one universal truth: farts are funny.

We can pretend that our senses of humor are more sophisticated than that, but let’s face it: when somebody lets one rip, you’re going to chuckle.

And, as if this wasn’t enough, we made a video for this too. Conspiracy? Maybe. Aliens? Definitely.

As far as the bouquet of smells that can be generated by consumption of dead fish and partially fermented soy beans, we are leaving it to your olphactory imagination!

A Guide to the Identification and Classification of North American Farters

2012-04-25T11:33:00.000-07:00

Learning- or better still, thinking up- names for fart types is a traditional early-adolescent ritual.

Similarly, methods of identifying the sources of a fart are a subject of peer-group, or tribal, speculation, the usual rule of thumb being "Who smelled it, dealt it," or "The smeller's the teller."

Occasionally, this oral tradition has achieved the level of Xerox publication, but never before has a systematic analysis, along the lines of Jane's Fighting ships or A Field Guide to the Birds, been attempted in print. Tentatively, then, we present the following.

Liar
People who blame other people when he farts

Empty-headed men
People who hold the fart very long

Smart
People who know when to fart

Suffer

People who want to fart but can not

Mysterious
People who fart reply, anyone else do not know

Nervous
People who suddenly hold their farts

Confident
People who farts in public and tell others that he is farts

Sadist
A person who after farts, he waved his fart to the others

Shy
People who fart but has no sound, and ashamed himself

Strategic
People who hides his fart with laughter

Stingy #1
A person who after farts, he breath as much as he can to replace the fart

Stingy #2
People who fart a little bit

Friendly
People who liked to smell other peoples fart

Aquatic
People who like to fart in the water

Honest

People who admit if he farts

Athletic
People who need energy if they want to fart

We are farting with you, for you, and on your behalf!

Do Angels fart and if so, do they smell ?

2012-04-24T11:16:00.000-07:00

We have Earthly bodies, and we must eat, digest and pas gas once in a while.

Angels were not born of women. They are spiritual entities who are free to go from Heaven to Earth.

Angels are messengers of God and as Spirit beings and do not have physical bodies, although they can in some circumstances project an image or illusion of a flesh and blood body for the purpose of communicating with Humans.

So, many believe that Angels do not fart.

However, there are also many who believe that Angels do fart, and that their farts smell like a summer day, or a warm house and a pumpkin pie baking, or a field of spring flowers, or a crackling autumnal fireplace ...depending on their mood and the time of year!

Further, there is some empirical evidence that Glade Plug are actually made from Angel farts. Angel farts are also used to manufacture think those little white things are that everyone uses for packing materials.

Angel farts are dense, especially if they have eaten Angel cake, and can be easily seen as the vapor trails in the sky.

Angels fart, we enjoy!

Fart King v The King of FartAngels

2012-04-21T16:23:00.068-07:00

Fart King is a member of society who constantly rip farts on a level beyond the average person. Fart Kings often take pride in being able to ass whistle so often, and as such, they proudly fill the air with their custom flatulence.

Although some will suggest that Fart King's get their crown for the overall frequency of their anal expulsions, this is but a myth. In fact, a Fart King should be given his/her title for their frequency as well as their consistency, decibel volume, and last but not least, their custom odor.

A Fart King will often drop bean blowers that not only wreak but also have an appalling pitch and a distracting audible volume. It is these factors which combine to truly give someone the title.

Of course, it is difficult to crown a Fart King globally, or even state wide, instead it is encouraged to crown Fart Kings within your own social circles.

Fart King is a professional admired for his/her ability to generate consistent, smelly, and loud barking brownies.

Your humble Propriator is The King of FartAngels ---the one and only Supreme Fart Leader of the global community of FartAngels (please see the mission statement in the heading of this blog) who's daily good will farts allow Smelly Little Angels (SLA) to Get their Wings.

On those rare occasions, when SLA is not released, organic strawberries are farted out.

We are farting with you, for you, and instead of you!

Не пука, ни перда!

2012-04-21T09:41:00.008-07:00

Немного о пуках

Как хороши, как свежи были пуки...

Пуковая дама

Час пук

Не все то пуки, что воняют

Не все то жопа, что пердит

Нам жопа пукать и срать помогает

А пуки здесь тихие...

Семь раз набзди, один раз проветрь

Жопу пуком не испортишь

Сверхпуковая скорость

- Ни пука, ни перда !
- Пошел к черту !

А пуки летят, а пуки, как птицы летят,
И некуда им повернуться назад...

Я пукаю, значит, я существую !

Пук носу не товарищ

Пук пуком вышибают

Союз России и Беларуси:
Пукин и Пукашенко

Тише пернешь - больше вони

Любо дорого пердеть

Без труда не выпукнешь и пука из зада !

Удача отвернулась, и громко пернула

От срача глаза велики

От любви до ненависти - один пук

Человек на 10 % состоит из воды, и на 10 % - из
газов

Нежданный пук хуже татарина

Не так страшен пук, как его запах

Пуки приходят и уходят, а вонь остается

Где пук - там и вонь

Когда я жру - я не пержу !

Большой жопе - большие пуки

Из пука вонь не выкинешь

Сколько жопу ни корми - она все равно пердит

В России две беды - дороги и пердюки

Кажется, пук начинается...

Огородное пукало

Семь пуков на неделе

Попмузыка - мое призвание
Александр Упукник

Бздех разочарования

Повторенье - мать перденья

Пук - воробей: вылетит - не поймаешь

Свой бздех ближе к телу

С глаз долой - из жопы вонь

Как много ароматов чудных
Готовит жопы дивный дух...

В здоровом теле - здоровый пук

Когла рак на горе пукнет

В лесу раздавался запор дровосека

Вони из пука не выкинешь

Пукишь

To Light, or Not to Light?

2012-04-20T09:50:00.010-07:00

Fart lightning or pyroflatulence is the practice of igniting the gases produced by human flatulence, often producing a flame of a blue hue, hence the act being known colloquially as a "blue angel", or in Australia, a "blue flame". The fact that flatus is flammable, and the actual combustion of it through this practice, gives rise to much humourous derivation. Other colors of flame such as orange and yellow are possible with the color dependent on the mixture of gases formed in the colon.

Methane burns in oxygen forming water and carbon dioxide often producing a blue hue (ΔH_c = -891 kJ/mol),^[ as:

CH₄(g) + 2O₂(g) → CO₂(g) + 2H₂O(g)

Hydrogen sulfide also combusts (ΔH_c = -519 kJ/mol)^[3] to

2H₂S(g) + 3O₂(g) → 2SO₂(g) + 2H₂O(g)

The odor associated with flatus is due to hydrogen sulfide, skatole, indole, volatile amines and short chain fatty acids. These substances are detectable by olfactory neurons in concentrations as low as 10 parts per billion, hydrogen sulfide being the most detectable.

The act of fart lighting is performed by using an open flame such as a candle or a cigarette lighter. There are web sites on the Internet devoted exclusively to explaining proper lighting techniques.

Common problems reported are severe and painful burns around and about the anus. Reports of serious burns to body parts are not uncommon but clothing helps to protect one's skin. Wearing pants (e.g. thick cotton sweatpants) is a good safety precaution. As with all fire stunts, cotton clothes (particularly if damp), or even better, wool, are safer than synthetics. The fire point of cotton is 210 °C (410 °F), and it is hard to ignite accidentally. But many common synthetic fabrics such as polyester fleece or nylon can easily catch fire or melt to the skin.

Many experienced fart lighters suggest that denim be worn during the process of fart lighting; due to its thickness, it usually does a good job of protecting the skin from burns. Performing fart lighting in only underwear, in synthetic clothing (e. g. track pants), or no clothing at all could result in serious burns to the anus, scrotum, or vulva.

The manly art of fart-burning. Compression, ignition, combustion and exhaust.

—Frank Zappa

Fart lighting has been a novelty practice primarily among young men or college students for decades,^[ but is discouraged for its potential for causing injury. Such experiments typically occur on camping trips and in single-sex group residences, such as tree-houses, dormitories, or fraternity houses.

In an case, DO OUR PART--LIGHT YOUR FART!

TРАКТАТ О ПУКЕ or TAKE ADVANTAGE OF NATURAL GAS--HOOK YOUR FURNACE UP TO YOUR ASS

2012-04-18T22:45:00.005-07:00

Cамый дешевый продукт человечества – это продукт его жизнедеятельности. Пук.

Согласно Дарвину пуки сбросили с деревьев на землю обезьян, выпрямили их и сделали людьми.

Днем люди пукают, а ночью еще и спят, то есть, кто пукает, живет круглосуточно. Череда пуков, продемонстрированная по телевидению, называется сериалом.

Пук в истории нашей Родины – это знаменитый холостой, расхваленный до залпа. Историки Италии описывают случай, когда народный пук во время массовых гуляний разбудил спящий вулкан, а в книгу почетных граждан Барселоны внесен матадор, сразивший пуком быка.

В царской России военные соревновались, кто пуком потушит больше свечей, а ковбои в Мексике - кто отобьет у кактуса больше колючек. В Индии пук признан священным, не зря за спиной магараджи всегда стоял человек с опахалом. В Китае пассажирским пуком самолет был оторван от земли, но приземлиться не смог: отлетели колеса.

На Руси издревле самую красивую девушку выдавали замуж за юношу, который громче всех пукнет. Помните народную поговорку «Кто не работает, тот не ест»? Так вот, в оригинале – «Кто не ест, тот не пукнет».

В наше время пук в области культуры считается искусством, пук в литературе - новым словом, а пук на сцене – смешным юмором. Анонимный пук по телефону может быть квалифицирован, как шантаж. Во время праздников пук с успехом заменяет концерт артистов эстрады.

В ходе боевых действий пук в обороне адресован своим, а в отступлении – противнику. Пук в наступлении – это «ура», «банзай» и «патроны кончились» одновременно. Пук в разведке расценивается, как измена Родине, в плену - как стойкость, а в контрразведке - как шпионаж. Пук силами пехотного батальона Женевской конвенцией запрещен, если ветер дует в сторону противника.

Мужчины пукают азартнее женщин, поэтому те раньше уходят на пенсию. Лица, успешно пукавшие на одном месте много лет, при выходе на пенсию награждаются почетной грамотой и ценным подарком с гравировкой «Пук - всему голова».

По утверждению медиков между пуком и состоянием здоровья есть прямая связь. Чем здоровее человек, тем громче пукает, и наоборот, чем громче пукает, тем здоровее человек.

По узнаваемости пук делится на геройский (явный) и предательский (замаскированный). Отсюда народная пословица «Лучше п…нуть по-геройски, чем предательски набз…ть» (стилистика сохранена. - ред.).
Замаскировать пук может каждый, издавая ртом аналогичные звуки. При этом предательский пук в присутствии начальника считается геройским.

Пук в ходе обсуждения считается мнением. Пук в присутствии дамы считается комплиментом. Пук на лоне природы народнохозяйственного значения не имеет.
Пук в воду есть акт гражданского протеста, если в воде представитель власти.
Пук в условиях невесомости – основная причина поломок космических аппаратов.
Зимний пук отличается от летнего паром….

Но это уже другая тема.

American Natural Gas

2012-04-18T10:20:00.005-07:00

Ever pull someones finger and hear a weird noise come out of his or her butt?

Ever sit in a tub of water and see bubbles come out of your hiney?

This strange noise and vibrating sensation that came from your butt is most likely caused by a fart.

A fart is a combination of gases (nitrogen, carbon dioxide, oxygen, methane, and hydrogen sulfide) that travels from a person's stomach to their anus. When a person swallows too much air or eats foods that the human digestive system cannot digest easily gas becomes trapped in his/her stomach. The only way for this excess gas to exit the body is through the anus.

The gas that makes your farts stink is the hydrogen sulfide gas. This gas contains sulfur which causes farts to have a smelly odor. The more sulfur rich your diet, the more your farts will stink. Some foods that cause really smelly farts include: beans, cabbage, cheese, soda, and eggs.

A scientific name for a fart is flatus or flatulence.

The word fart is just one of many different terms used to describe the release of gasses from the human body.

Other popular names for farts or farting include: gassers, stinkers, air biscuits, bombers, barking spiders, rotten eggs, and wet ones. You can pass gas, break wind, blast, beef, poof, rip one, let one fly, step on a duck, and cut the cheese.

Farts can be stinky, wet, loud, or silent but deadly. Pee-eeew!!!

BTW, if your fart is not stinky enough, increase its hydrogen sulfide content by sticking to our 4Bs--broccoli, broiled eggs, beans & beer!

Did you know?

On the average, a healthy person farts 16 times a day.
Hey guys, don't be fooled by girls who tell you that they never fart. Everyone farts, including girls. In fact, females fart just as much as males.
Many animals fart too. Cats, dogs, and cows. Elephants fart the most.
People fart the most in their sleep.
Farts that contain a large amount of methane & hydrogen can be flammable.

Good farting to you!

FartAngels Clasification of Farts

2012-04-17T13:30:00.008-07:00

THE ANTICIPATED FART: This one warns that it is back there waiting for some time before it arrives. A person who is uneasy for a time in a crowd and who later farts at a time when they think no one will notice has farted an Anticipated Fart.

THE BACK SEAT FART: This is a fart that occurs only in automobiles. It is identified chiefly by odor. The Back Seat Fart can usually be concealed by traffic noise as it is an eased-out fart and not very loud. But its odor is foul and will give it away due to the way air moves around in a car. Then someone will say, "Who farted in the back seat?".

THE BARRED OWL FART: A familiarity with owl calls is helpful in identifying this fart. Almost any morning if you get up just before daybreak you can hear one of these birds talking to himself. It's a sort of a crazy laugh, particularly the way it ends. If you hear a fart that has about eight notes in it, ending on a couple of down notes, and it sounds maniacal, you have heard the rare Barred Owl Fart.

THE BULLET FART: Its single and most pronounced diagnostic characteristic is its sound. It sounds like a rifle shot. The farter can be said to have snapped it off. It can startle spectators and farter alike. Fairly common following the eating of the more common fart foods, such as beans.

THE COMMAND FART: This fart differs from the Anticipated Fart in that it can be held for long periods of time waiting for the right moment. Unlike the Anticipated Fart, it is intended to be noticed. Harold Tabor recently held a Command Fart for the whole period in history class and let it go right at the end when the teacher asked if there were any questions.

THE COMMON FART: This fart needs little description. It is to the world of farts what the house sparrow is to the world of birds. I can see no point in describing this fart any further.

THE CUSHIONED FART: A concealed fart, sometimes successful. The farter is usually on the fat side, sometimes a girl. They will squirm and push their butt way down into the cushions of a sofa or over-stuffed chair and ease out a fart very carefully without moving then or for some time after. Some odor may escape, but usually not much. Common with some people.

THE DUD FART: The Dud Fart is not really a fart at all. It's a fart that fails. For this reason it is stricly a group one identification fart, because there is no real way you can identify a fart that somebody else expected to fart but didn't. It is the most private of all farts. In most cases the farter usually feels a little disappointed.

THE ECHO FART: This is a fart that can be wrongly identified. It is not some great loud fart in an empty gym or on the rim of the Grand Canyon. The true Echo Fart is a fart that makes its own echo. It is a two-toned fart, the first tone loud, then a pause, and then the second tone. Like an echo.

THE G and L FART: This is one of the most ordinary and pedestrian of farts, known to everyone. Certainly it is the least gross. If you have not already guessed, G and L stands for Gambled and Lost. One of the most embarrassing of all farts, even when you are alone.

THE GHOST FART: A doubtful fart in most cases, as it is supposed to be identified by odor alone and to occur, for instance, in an empty house. You enter and smell a fart, yet no one is there. People will insist that only a fart could have that odor, but some believe it is just something that happens to smell like a fart.

THE HIC-HACHOO-FART FART: This is strictly an old lady's fart. What happens is that the person manages to hiccup, sneeze, and fart all at the same time. After an old lady farts a Hic-Hachoo-Fart Fart she will usually pat her chest and say, "My, my", or "Well, well". There is no reason she should not be proud, as this is probably as neat an old person's fart as there is.

THE JERK FART: The Jerk Fart is a fart by a jerk who smirks, smiles, grins, and points to himself in case you missed it. It is usually a single-noted, off-key, fading away, sort of whistle fart, altogether pitiful, but the jerk will act as if he has just farted the Biggest Fart in the World Fart.

THE JOHN FART: The John Fart is simply any ordinary fart farted on the john. It is naturally a group one identification, with the sound, whatever it was, somewhat muffled. If it is all the person's trip to the john amounted to he will be disappointed for sure. Common as pigeons.

THE LEAD FART: The heaviest of all farts. It sounds like a dropped ripe watermelon. Or a falling body in some cases. It is the only fart that goes thud. Except for the odor, which is also very heavy, it could be missed altogether as a fart. "What was that?", you might think. And never guess.

THE MALTED MILK BALL FART: Odor alone is diagnostic and positively identifies this fart. It smells exactly like malted milk balls. No other food works this way. It is rare.

THE OH MY GOD FART: This is the most awful and dreadful stinking of all farts. A fart that smells like a month-old rotten egg. Your natural reaction is to say, "Oh my god!". If you should ever encounter it, however, you may first want to say, oh ****, which would be understandable.

THE OMEN FART: This is the adult version of the Poo-Poo Fart. About the only difference is that the farter will not say anything. He will just look kind of funny and head for the john. This one is easy to spot if you pay attention.

THE ORGANIC FART: Sometimes called the Health Food Nut Fart. The person who farts an Organic Fart may be talking about the healthy food he eats even when he farts. If he is heavily into health foods he may even ask if you noticed how good and pure and healthy his fart smells. It may smell to you like any other fart, but there is no harm in agreeing with him. He is doing what he thinks is best.

THE QUIVER FART: A group one identification fart only. When you fart, it quivers. If it tickles, then it is the Tickle Fart. If you have to scratch it, then it is the Scratchass Fart.

THE RAMBLING PHADUKA FART: You must not be fooled by its pretty-sounding name, as this is one of the most frightening of all farts. It is frightening to farter and spectator alike. It has a sound of pain to it. What is most diagnostic about it, however, is its length. It is the longest-lasting fart there is. It will sometimes leave the farter unable to speak. As though he has had the wind knocked out of him. A strong, loud, wavering fart, it goes on for at least fifteen seconds.

THE RELIEF FART: Sound or odor don't matter on this one. What matters is the tremendous sense of relief that you have finally farted. Some people will-even say, "Wow, what a relief!". Very common.

THE RELUCTANT FART: This is probably one of the oldest farts known to man. The Reluctant Fart is a fart that seems to have a mind of its own. It gives the impression that it likes staying where it is. It will come when it is ready, not before. This can take half-a-day in some instances.

THE RUSTY GATE FART: The sound of this fart seems almost impossible for a fart. It is the most dry and squeaky sound a fart can make. The Rusty Gate Fart sounds as if it would have worked a lot easier if it had been oiled. It sounds like a fart that hurts.

THE S.B.D. FART: S.B.D. stands for Silent But Deadly. This is no doubt one of the most common farts that exists. No problem of identification with this one.

THE SANDPAPER FART: This one scratches. Otherwise it may not amount to much. You should remember that if you reach back and scratch, it automatically becomes a Scratchass Fart. Common.

THE SKILL-SAW FART: A truly awesome fart. It vibrates the farter. Really shakes him up. People back away. It sounds like an electric skill-saw ripping through a piece of half-inch plywood. Very impressive. Not too common.

THE SONIC BOOM FART: The people who believe in this fart claim it is even bigger than the Biggest Fart In The World Fart. The Sonic Boom Fart is supposed to shake the house and rattle the windows. This is ridiculous. No fart in the world shakes houses and rattles windows. A fart that could do that would put the farter into orbit or blow his crazy head off.

THE STUTTER FART: If you think stuttering is funny, this is a very funny fart. It is a fart that can't seem to get going. The sound is best described as "pt,pt,pt-pt,pt-pt-pt,pop,pop-pop-pop-POW!" It is usually a forced-out fart that gets caught crossways, as they say, and only gets farted after considerable effort.

THE SPLATTER FART: Unfortunately the Splatter Fart exists. It is the wettest of all farts. It probably should not be called a fart at all.

THE TACO BELL FART: The Taco Bell Fart is far richer and full-bodied than your ordinary Junk Fart and takes longer to build up. Sometimes hours, or even a day. But it will get there. And it will hang around after, too, even on a windy day.

THE TEFLON FART: Slips out without a sound and no strain at all. A very good fart in situations where you would rather not fart at all. You can be talking to someone and not miss saying a word. If the wind is right he will never know.

THE THANK GOD I'M ALONE FART: Everyone knows this rotten fart. You look around after you have farted and say "Thank God I'm alone!". Then you get out of there.

THE TICKLE FART: A group one only and one of the easiest to identify. Usually a slow soft sort of fart. If you like being tickled this is the fart for you.

THE UNDERWEAR RIPPER FART: Sound alone is diagnostic with this fart. It will usually happen when the person is sitting down. It is one of the longer farts. It will sound so much like a piece of cloth being ripped that it can fool a person sitting in the next room. Naturally it will not fool the farter. He will know he has not ripped his underwear. But right then he may not be too sure about anything else.

THE UP-TIGHT FART: This is a kind of drawn-out Stutter Fart except that this one squeaks. When he knows he has to fart, like it or not, he gets even more up-tight. He may snap his sphincter shut like a steel trap, but out comes the fart. "Squeak, squeak, squeak." It is embarrassing for everyone.

THE VENTRILOQUIST FART: This is something that just happens. It is doubtful if anyone can learn to throw his farts. But sometimes, if all the conditions are right, it will happen. And the person sitting next to the farter will look surprised and embarrassed and the farter will look suprised and pleased. This will have been a Ventriloquist Fart. It is an extremely hard one to identify unless you are the farter.

THE WHO CUT THE CHEEZE FART: An easy identification with this one. Somone has got to say, "Who cut the cheeze?" when the fart is first noticed or it cannot be called a Who Cut The Cheeze Fart. It may or may not have an odor like strong cheese, but it will have an odor.

THE YODEL FART: The Yodel Fart sounds like a fart whose voice is changing, like a yodel. It can be either a Swiss mountain yodeler type of yodel or an American cowboy singer type of yodel.

THE YO-YO FART: This is a spectacular fart. A real dilly. Sound alone identifies it. It makes the Octave Fart sound like a hiccup. It starts out on the highest fart note possible and goes all the way down to the lowest fart note possible. And then, to the amazement of everyone, it comes all the way back up again. Extremely rare.

Please feel free to comment & to fart with us!