the fascinating woman

Quietly, in the Background

noreply@blogger.com (miss liss) — Tue, 27 Dec 2011 22:29:00 +0000

For over a year this blog has quietly sat here in its little corner of cyberspace. Visitors come and visitors go; a few comments here, a few emails there. I'm writing today to say The Fascinating Woman has served its time, for me. I stopped writing all those months ago because so many other interests crowded into my day. Since then my life has been brim full with acting school and violin lessons; learning to make pie and eating macaroons; there have been walks in the sunshine and bike rides in the rain; reading the novels of Dorothy Canfield Fisher and the plays of William Shakespeare. There have been new friends and old friends; lots of laughter and the release of tears. One sister married and three who announced pregnancies. Through all of this there has been my husband, my dear wonderful husband. A man who is perfect for me. Who listens. Who cares. Who is a whole lot of fun to be with.

Fascinating Womanhood gave me principles to build a strong marital relationship with. The Fascinating Woman helped me examine those principles in light of the realities of my life, my values. For both I am grateful.

This blog will, for now, continue sitting here quietly. On January 1st, in accordance with the copyright agreement with Fascinating Womanhood all posts originally written by Helen Andelin will be taken offline. You may still view her articles on the official Fascinating Womanhood website. All other posts here will remain up for your perusal and sharing. Hopefully they will act as aides in your marriages to bring you, as was brought me, a strong foundation of martial felicity.

Regards,
Miss Liss

WomanKind

noreply@blogger.com (miss liss) — Sat, 11 Sep 2010 19:11:00 +0000

courtesy Marquette University

As you readers know I haven't been posting much this year because I've been putting up the words of, now departed, Helen Andelin. Switching gears today to direct you to the words of another woman- titling herself Laura_Elsewhere- who wrote a beautiful post on what, deep down, makes us women.

It begins thus:

When life is hard… we become Womankind…

What on earth am I on about this time?! I hear you ask?

Well, today is the ninth anniversary of 9/11 and that week was the most obvious example I have ever lived of how there is something about being a woman… I’m a fair feminist most of the time, and insist on my right to vote and my right to wear what clothes I like and my right to choose not to have children and all the other wonderful rights I have as a modern British woman.

BUT…. in the days following 9/11, several friends across the country and I found that we were spending as much of our time as possible in “traditional” woman’s pursuits. We were home-building – no, more than that we were battening down the hatches, we were stocking up for our families, even those of us who live alone. . .

Click to read the rest of the WomanKind post.

dear readers: how can one be fascinating when worn out?

noreply@blogger.com (miss liss) — Fri, 29 Jan 2010 20:28:00 +0000

The following is a query I recently received. My response below.
Feel free to add your comments.

Dear Fascinating Woman,

After following Fascinating Womanhood for over a year I've been forced back into working outside the home because my husband lost his job for over 3 months. Due to financial pressures, not to mention poor money decisions made in the past, we are forced to have both of us work outside the home until we either get completely out of debt or have a child (we both agree that a mother should stay home to raise the children.) But until that time comes, I'm stuck feeling in between worlds and I see the effect it's having on my home and marriage. My husband is not doing his part anymore, and I'm often so tired from work that I have let other aspects of our life slide (including housework, cooking, and definitely my appearance.) I am not feeling feminine at all.

Are there any specific baby steps I can take to still be a Fascinating Woman but still help my family in our time of need? We are already cutting the costs as much as possible and are working with our Church leaders and specialists to get our debt down as fast as possible, so not working right now is not an option.

Please help.

Thank you readers for any response. Please note that if you send a response via email I will post it in the comments section. This is the "official recommendation" I sent:

I think you need three things: a clear vision shared by your husband, more purpose, and some "girl" time.

For the first I think you need to have a series of conversations with your husband. Probably no more than 20 minutes. Where you have his undivided attention. I think the two of you need to come to a clear understanding of what your vision is for your family/marriage over the next 6 months - 2 years. Bring things out of the grandiose and down to specifics; such as, Who is doing what chores? Should we hire someone to clean house once a month? When do we budget? How do we keep ourselves to the budget? What are the actual numbers involved (incomes, debts, savings goals)? What sort of dates can we go on? What sort of activities are fun for the two of us? Do we need to plan times for intimacy? If so, when? Should we cut tv/video game/internet time? To how much? . . . and so on. I want to emphasize that this should be a shared vision. Not his vision, not your vision. Though I recommend having ideas to start the conversations with. (p.s. re-read through the information on being a "female counselor" and "responding with childlikeness" to help diffuse any defensiveness that may arise - or a kissing alarm may suffice.)

As to the second I think having a shared vision will help you feel that there is a purpose to your day-to-day activities. Still it is important to have a personal purpose and investment in what you are doing. Yes, you are working to help your family be financially solvent, but is there more to your work environment? Would you be less tired in a different field, or different environment? Do you want something where you show up, put in the time and go home with little supervision? If you did something where you weren't on your feet would you have more energy at home? . . . and so on. I'm not referring to just work purpose, what is your purpose in having your possessions? (and cleaning them, and organizing them, and so on) Maybe if you had fewer things you'd feel less stressed about housekeeping. Or, at least, if you knew their purpose you might feel less agitated. Anything you're feeling "ugh" about can have the "purpose" questions applied to it.

As to the third, "girl" time. This essentially means two things: you need time to be a girl; and you need time to be with girls. In specific terms I suggest "girl's night out (or in)" planned dates 1 - 3 times a month. Also plan time to be feminine: time to dress up for something, or to get a haircut, or wear your prettiest apron and make a new or favorite food, or watch a tender movie, or even time to just talk and share without trying to solve any of the problems. Just airing them out, so to speak. (more on this at the end of post "when my husband is wrong")

Hope that helps.
~Miss Liss

Gratitudes:

I am grateful for youtube videos of a "roaring fire" you know the kind used in motel rooms. hee hee
I am grateful for a trustworthy fishmonger.
I am grateful for hazelnut chocolates.
I am grateful the ayurvedic herbals are helping my body so much.
I am grateful for prayer.

new for 2010: authorship changes

noreply@blogger.com (miss liss) — Mon, 04 Jan 2010 17:39:00 +0000

Exciting news, Readers - Renaissance Society, Inc. and Fascinating Womanhood has given permission for writings of Helen Andelin archived on the official Fascinating Womanhood site to be reprinted here on The Fascinating Woman. This permission is currently given from January 1, 2010 - January 1, 2012. A special thank you to Brian for making this happen.

These posts fit into three broad categories: articles, success stories, and questions. And will be reprinted in the month which the posts were originally printed in; allowing for all posts to be printed this year. As this will result in upwards of twenty posts some months my own posting will be diminished. Find all of these posts under the tag "in Helen's words".

Happy New Year!

Gratitudes:

I am grateful for Christmas trees.
I am grateful for my husband.
I am grateful for chocolate.
I am grateful for Christmas stories.
I am grateful for prayer.

using the Fascinating Womanhood philosophy

noreply@blogger.com (miss liss) — Wed, 09 Dec 2009 20:00:00 +0000

When Helen Andelin was a young bride she had marital troubles. It seemed to her that society was confused about what a woman's role ought or could be. This confusion was damaging her marriage and led her to seek out marital information. Once her own marriage was again happy she decided that the information she had ought to be made available to every woman, thus the Fascinating Womanhood philosophy was born, and a book of the same name written.

Wanting a Happy Marriage
The premise of Fascinating Womanhood is that there is a strong desire among women to have happy marriages; to feel that they are adored, cherished and deeply loved by their husbands; but that how to create such a marriage is a skill set that is not taught. These skills are outlined in the book under two general categories which Andelin divided into Angelic and Human. Angelic qualities are more about character and human qualities are more about femininity. In a nutshell, a woman's human qualities will attract a man and the angelic qualities will ensure that he is happy to stay.

As You Change, He'll Change
For me the best thing about these skills and principles was that it wasn't necessary for my husband to be aware that he was working on anything. However, this is precisely what irks most women about the philosophy; they feel that he ought to change, that she has done nothing wrong, and continues to do nothing wrong; or if wrong is justified by what he does or does not do. I agree that he ought to change. If a marriage is going to be a happy one he will have to change. But what if by changing her behavior she could induce his to follow? Since I can only change myself finding Fascinating Womanhood was such a load off my shoulders. No longer did I need to change him, which wasn't working anyway.

Eventually You Move On
Perhaps because Andelin covers so many topics in her book--being a domestic goddess, developing a worthy character, respecting masculine pride, the feminine appearance & manner, family finances, standing up for yourself--it is easy to forget that this book is about succeeding in marriage. It is not a book to cover all facets of one's life but to cover all facets of one's marriage. For many women this will be the primary focus of life; it won't be all. A happy woman has friends besides her husband. She has interests beyond sheltering her family. A happy woman will develop skills and abilities that are important to her. We may be inclined to censure a woman who sews for her family, or leads in the PTA, or mostly sings lullabies. We may be inclined to say that she is diminished and demeaned but why? If it is fulfilling to her, how does it hurt us? Of course there is a flip side and there are those who will censure a woman who sews couture, or leads in the city council, or mostly sings operas. We may be inclined to say that she is damaging society and going beyond her "womanly" roles. If her marriage is happy, how does it hurt us?

Fascinating Womanhood is about creating a happy marriage. If a marriage is in dire straits it may demand concentrated focus for a while. Even a long while. Eventually the skills necessary for a happy marriage will become habit and your concentrated focus will be free to work on something else --whether personal, familial, or global--knowing that should something marital go awry you have the skills necessary to set it right.

For more information on the philosophy of Fascinating Womanhood you may read posts "Angela Human" and "How to Get a Man". To begin learning the skills of Fascinating Womanhood check out the Assignments posts.

Gratitudes:

I am grateful for a warm bowl of oatmeal on a chilly morning.
I am grateful for Christmas movies.
I am grateful for sister's phone calls.
I am grateful for youtube.
I am grateful the hot water pressure in the shower is fixed.

links I've loved

noreply@blogger.com (miss liss) — Wed, 02 Dec 2009 18:30:00 +0000

Some moments from my November web wanderings:

New York to California by Mat Kearney - I've been in a romantic mood the last six weeks or so. Keep having dreams that could be the jumping off point for a romantic comedy storyline and Mat Kearney's vocals could be the soundtrack. His sincerity keeps his songs from sounding trite. This song opens with a moment that could be from my own life:

Under the TV lights, you fell asleep again. . .
You woke up and said baby I, had one of those dreams again
The rain came down and I lost you, In the wind
You said something about don't leave, before you fell back asleep

Kearney's continuing sentiment is perfect for late-night dancing in the kitchen. Mmm.

The Letters Page - Brocante Home posting of letters in old women's magazine. Show much has changed and yet stayed the same. My favorite from R.C. talks about how she is getting so much work done since the television busted.

Magical Thinking - Jar of the cute sayings of children, by Inchmark. For those who prefer alternate modes of journaling.

A Proposal Story - Danni of oh, hello friend is now engaged, which means she crossed another thing off her 101 in 1001 list. This proposal was definitely blog-worthy involving a "spur of the moment" trip to Danni's favorite city, "stalker" photographers, and a handmade ring. Perhaps Nick figured a girl who'll put in hours and hours on love notes (here and here) deserves some effort in being proposed to. Or maybe he's just romantic like that. You'll have to ask Danni.

Make Your Marriage a Priority and Your Kids Will Benefit - Corey from Simple Marriage wrote this guest post on Zen Family Habits blog. Like most posts on this blog (or the sister site Zen Habits) it includes a list of possible actions. My favorite is #3 Do things as a family, but for your marriage; though the most helpful for me might be #5 Give up the tv (or joint laptop time).

got my skate on... and miscellaneous - The portion of this post that interested me is in the miscellaneous section - pictures of headbands made for Blythe dolls (none of those pictures allowed posting on separate post though, so this picture doesn't have a headband). Apparently there's a large subculture of women who purchase dolls and endlessly dress and undress them, and using them in photo shoots. There's nearly 200,000 pictures of these dolls to be found on flickr. I looked at only a few thousand, these were among the best: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5 & 6 [Image "Little Sneaker" by axelsrose]

Lastly this beautiful image: "Her Curly Hair and my Fatherly Instinct" by Carlo Nicora. His Street Photography set is striking.

Gratitudes:

I am grateful for November sunshine.
I am grateful for the women's suffrage movement.
I am grateful for the knowledge & ability to make my own food.
I am grateful for The Book of Mormon.
I am grateful for the Emancipation Proclamation.

parenting philosophies

noreply@blogger.com (miss liss) — Mon, 23 Nov 2009 20:12:00 +0000

Recently I've thought a lot on the why of having children and by extension the why of parenting. The viewpoint expressed by Helen Andelin in Fascinating Womanhood deals more with the day-to-day than an overall philosophy:

"The feminine woman", writes Andelin, "is moved by an instinctive concern for [her children's] physical welfare, she sees that they are properly fed, bathed, and free of danger. She would never allow them to go hungry, cold, or unprotected, if within her power to prevent it. She takes pride in their appearance by keeping them clean, well-groomed, and attractively dressed. She is gentle, loving, and understanding. She teaches them how to be happy, and gives them praise and encouragement." [Ch. 17 "The Domestic Goddess", pp. 258-259][image "Focusing on the Important Things in Life" by Carlo Nicora]

Most individuals desire to be good parents; how they define good parenting is varied. On the blog, A Wise Woman Builds Her Home, the author affirms that her purpose in parenting is to "[raise her] children to be warriors for God's kingdom, to know how to face the battle and to stand strong for God." Simple Marriage author, Corey Allan, writes, "After your kids are grown and out of school, ask yourself this: are they taxpayers? . . If you can answer this with a yes, you did a great job." In 100 Promises to My Baby, Mallika Chopra identifies two parenting choices; the first, that she desires to give her children a childhood "filled with wonder, magic, adventure, and mystery"; secondly, she hopes to teach her children "love, respect, honor, and acceptance [in an effort to create] a safer, more secure, and more nurturing world" [pp. xvi - xvii]. Like others, these determinations likely were influenced by the choices of her parents. Mallika's father, Deepak Chopra, writes that as his children were growing he felt the most important thing he could do for them was "to give them the self-esteem, self-assurance, and security that comes from a direct experience of the essence of one's soul." [pp. x]

As mentioned above part of my own search for a parenting philosophy has been spent in reading. Lots of reading; perhaps parenting used to not come with a manual but in my library system there are over 500 books on the subject. One of these, Dr. Spock's Baby and Child Care, has this to say on parenting philosophies:

In many ways we have lost our faith in the meaning of life and our confidence to understand our world and our society. My point here is that you are raising your children in the context of very confusing and rapidly changing times. Your goals and aspirations for your child are going to be greatly influenced by these times and the prevailing ideals and beliefs. A central core of values and beliefs - ones that remain unshaken by tumultuous social changes - will serve as your compass as you chart a course for your family. I hope that, at least once in a while, after yet another hectic day, you will sit back and reflect on where you are going and whether your day-to-day interactions with your children reflect your true values and dreams for their future. [8th ed., pp. 6]

What are your dreams for your children?

What values do you hope to instill in them?

Are your day-to-day interactions on track to do just that?

Gratitudes:

I am grateful for the Thanksgiving holiday.
I am grateful for clean water.
I am grateful for the birthday well wishes of friends and family.
I am grateful for puff pastry.
I am grateful for kind & knowledgeable doctors.

dear readers: agreeing in principle disagreeing in practice

noreply@blogger.com (miss liss) — Tue, 10 Nov 2009 17:00:00 +0000

Readers, here's a conundrum that doesn't seem to fall under any principle of Fascinating Womanhood. What do you think a woman should do in the following situation?

Dear Readers,

What should a woman do when, in compromise between husband and wife, a husband agrees to x thing but then when x thing occurs becomes upset. On the woman's side this is a "but you promised" situation, on the man's side it is a "yes, but that was before" situation.

For example, suppose Jerry asks his wife, Nancy, if it's okay for him to go on an optional business conference. In the course of making the decision Jerry agrees that Nancy may go to a retreat she wants to attend later in the year. As the time approaches to finalize plans for Nancy's trip another business conference comes up. Jerry would love to go, it's an amazing chance for his career, much better than the business conference he went to earlier in the year. Unfortunately, they can only pay for one of the trips. Now Nancy is torn because if she allows Jerry to go to this business conference she will be resentful. On the other hand, Jerry is very upset about not going to this business conference which is making life unpleasant for Nancy - and may continue to do so once she returns.

Keeping in mind that Nancy really wants both her and Jerry to be pleased, what should Nancy do?

Thank you readers, male or female, for your comments.

Regards,
~ Miss Liss

Disclaimer: this example is a piece of fiction, a hypothetical example.

Gratitudes:

I am grateful for my readers.
I am grateful for the colors of fall - here in my temperate climate.
I am grateful for crunchy leaves.
I am grateful my husband will run errands for me.
I am grateful for hugs.

when my husband is wrong

noreply@blogger.com (miss liss) — Thu, 05 Nov 2009 18:48:00 +0000

["Couple Fighting Love" by hyperscholar]

My husband is NOT always, or even usually, wrong. Mostly he is just different than me. Figuring out this distinction took some time but we've worked it out on most things; I've learned "his" way to put in the toilet paper roll and squeeze the toothpaste; he arranges the sheets/bedding/lights/blinds "my" way.

However, every once in a while, my husband is wrong. The vast majority of us in relationships are going to occasionally come up against this dilemma: I'm right and he's wrong. [As we will also come across the reverse "I'm wrong and he's right" but this post isn't about that one.]

Perhaps he forgot something important. Or said he'd do something and didn't. Maybe he took out stress with other things on me. In such cases, I'm right to feel hurt. I'm right that he "should've . . ." or "could've. . ." I'm right that what he did was mean or inconsiderate. I'm right and he's wrong. Some of these times that I'm right and he's wrong I'm not in the mood to respond in a childlike way. I want to lay into him, make him hurt as much as me and then hurt him a wee bit more. Even though I know that is wrong. I'll regret it later. Even though I know it's petulant. It is still what I want.

What to do when in that situation? It boils down to a simple phrase: choose to be right or choose to be happy. The first time I heard that concept I scoffed - then mulled it over and decided it made sense. The first two hundred times I tried to implement the concept I caught myself in an outraged feedback loop: "but I'm right! What does this mean, no consequences? There have to be consequences. The consequence is that I'm upset. He needs to know it. Gosh darn it! I'm justified; I'm right!" I just could not see myself choosing happiness without there being a strong undercurrent of resentment.

At last, on the two-hundredth-and-first try I managed to choose to be happy instead of choosing to be right. I called a time-out and went and read a favorite magazine. For several days I politely avoided my husband to instead do things I enjoy. My husband is a smart man; he noticed that I had stopped yelling and smashing things and decided he wouldn't jinx anything by interfering with the new operations. All this time that feedback loop in my brain was quietly seething: "but I'm right! I'm right! *bad words, bad words* I'm right!" After a few days I sat down with my husband, I calmly looked him in the eye and I told him how hurt I felt by his actions and why they hurt me. Instead of yelling, my voice near-quivered and the hurt poured out. How unloved and insignificant I felt. How it brought up completely unrelated insecurities (Am I unattractive to him? Am I boring? Does my new shampoo leave an unpleasant odor?). What did my husband do? He wrapped his wonderful arms around me and listened and cared. It was heaven.

Three days later he had done the same wrong something-or-other.

The "I'm right" feedback loop in my brain armed a militia with cannons, muskets, and a few thunderbolts. It took a long walk around the block, some serious cleaning, and dozens of deep breaths to keep the firing squad from taking over. Only then could I engage in some "happy" activities. There were attempts to speak with my husband the next day. They were aborted when we started yelling. I was more upest that the same wrong thing had occurred. It wasn't just that I was hurt, it was that my previous efforts seemed an exercise in futility. That "I'm right" militia's chief cry, "See you chose happiness and now look where we are. The exact same place!" had my resolve slipping.

What's a woman to do in this sort of situation? Keep looking for ways to choose happiness. This idea is supported by Dr. John Gray in his book Why Mars & Venus Collide. When a woman is happy, "it is easy for her to give a man points for the many ways he contributes to her life. He may only be sitting on the couch watching the news, but she is aware of the comfort she gets by his being there." [p.114-115] According to Gray, the chief proponent of a woman feeling good is relatively low levels of testosterone to high levels of oxytocin (pronounced ok-si-toe-sun). Referred to as the "bonding hormone" for the role it plays in bonding marriage partners and mothers to infants; oxytocin reduces stress in women. The more oxytocin-producing activities she engages in the lower a woman's stress levels will be.

Oxytocin stimulating activities include sharing, communication, cleanliness, beauty, trust, consistency, compliments, affection, teamwork, nurturing, support, collaboration,& routine, rhythm and regularity. [p.62] Most women have already instinctively learned such stress-reducing behaviors. It is why when having a down day a woman will call up a girlfriend, go shoe shopping, eat chocolate ice cream while watching a sad movie, or have her hair done. "Oxytocin levels go up when we are caring, sharing, and befriending without expectations. Just as oxytocin production increases when we are nurturing to others, it is also stimulated when we are nurturing to ourselves." [p.66] On the other hand, results-oriented giving - thinking I'll give to him and see if he gives back to me - does not stimulate as much oxytocin; what's more, it could bond us into toxic relationship habits.

Choosing to be happy rather than right also applies to men. While you are engaged in activities that produce oxytocin he may decide to engage in activities that produce testosterone. Activities that will increase testosterone involve goal setting, competition, problem solving, risk, danger, efficiency, urgency, success, dominance, or projects. [p.62] Then when coming back together to fix the original problem both parties are calmer (happier) and can resolve the dispute quicker.

One way to then speed resolution of "I'm right and he's wrong" discussions is to utilize the production of oxytocin and testosterone. This is accomplished by dividing the discussion into two parts. For part 1, it is his job to listen and to gently encourage more talking; her job is to calmly share without expecting him to change or fix anything. To share without a "he must change" agenda may be difficult but it will produce more oxytocin.[p.184] Once she has shared everything she has to share (on this issue) it is time for part 2, problem-solving, at this point both are free to talk and come up with solutions. That is if it's still necessary; sometimes when a woman is talking about her feelings she realizes she isn't upset about what she thought she was upset about and just the act of sharing it to an attentive spouse will solve the problem.

When both parties feel close and content you know that the marriage has been refreshed for another day.

["Couple" by mrhayata]

Bibliography:

Gray Ph.D., John. Why Mars & Venus Collide, 2008.

Gratitudes:

I am grateful to walk through crunchy fall leaves.
I am grateful for the smells of autumn.
I am grateful my husband has been cooking for me.
I am grateful my husband opened the impossible lid on the lacquer remover can.
I am grateful for non-sooty heat.

links I've loved

noreply@blogger.com (miss liss) — Thu, 01 Oct 2009 20:40:00 +0000

September I was on the internet less than during the summer. Still, I came across interesting whatnots.

We Will Not Grow Old by Lenka - I became a fan of Anthropologie on Facebook. There on the sidebar is music. What luck! Little Toy Gun by honeyhoney is darkly amusing [the video more dark than amusing, but what can you expect when Jack Bauer makes a cameo?]. The video above is We Will Not Grow Old by Lenka, my other favorite by Lenka is Anything I'm Not. [oh, and by the way, for some music videos that incorporate paper craft check out I Don't Know and Lille by Lisa Hannigan.]

Seven Spoons - If I subscribed to only one food blog, this would be it. Gorgeous photography, a story behind each recipe, yummy food. The recent gnocchi escapade (part 1; part 2) means I've earmarked two recipes to try in the ensuing weeks.

At the River - Note to husband: Let's show these to Annaliese before we have our next portraits done; as inspiration; what do you think? Me thinks beautiful.

Dosha Quiz - One of the most useful self-diagnostic tools; this quiz forumlated by the [Deepak] Chopra Center asks questions relating to each dosha (the make-up of all beings according to Ayurveda, the ancient Indian health philosophy). Discover your Dosha and discover how to balance yourself.

Pillow Talk - Jia from Color Me Untypical has some of the most amusing between husband and wife conversations. This one centers on what to do about her itching mosquito bite - that's where it starts anyway. Brighten up your day with more interchanges here and here.

Made With Love: Terrariums - This Design*sponge post is link worthy mostly because of the amusing comment by Anne. Scroll down and find Pete's comment - then scroll a little further to find Anne's (there will be pink-shaded comments from Grace right after each if that makes it easier to find). That said, I'm contemplating actually making a terrarium. There's a rock wall near my house that's lousy with moss and some beautiful small yellow flower "weeds" across the way. One day some of each might make it into a glass enclosure to sit in front of the color-sorted button jars.

Elephantine - Rachel, in Seattle, shares one picture/four square of pictures (okay so sometimes it's 2 or 6 but usually 1 or 4) each post and a short, usually humorous, ancedote. Pretty pictures + personal anecdotes + editing = a heavenly blog. Plus she makes beautiful jewelry; if only the celadon tear drops came on a gold chain.

Artwork of Natasha Newton - There's something about the textures and colors of these beautiful pieces that is incredibly soothing. I particularly like the landscapes.

Emily Post on Post - As a card-carrying member of Letter Writers Alliance (hee hee, yeah, I'm nerdy like that) I think it only right that I pass on these tips for letter-writing from the Queen of etiquette. From the link-within-the-link longer article were a few tidbits I'm tickled pink to pass on to you:

No one likes to get letters of calamity, gloomy apprehension, petty misfortunes; those that meander too much; those which are pompous; are a chronic apology; or say nothing at all. Concerning the latter, Ms. (Mrs?) Post offers an example of a very welcome "nothing" letter -

Dear --,
Life here is as dull as ever—duller if anything. Just the same old things done in the same old way—not even a fire engine out or a new face in town, but this is to show you that I am thinking of you and longing to hear from you.
Love, --

Also, a few rules for "the young girl or woman" who is determined to write letters to men - particularly those not her husband.

Never send a letter without reading it over and making sure that you have said nothing that can possibly “sound different” from what you intend to say.
Never so long as you live, write a letter to a man—no matter who he is—that you would be ashamed to see in a newspaper above your signature.
Remember that every word of writing is immutable evidence for or against you, and words which are thoughtlessly put on paper may exist a hundred years hence.
Never write anything that can be construed as sentimental.
Never take a man to task about anything; never ask for explanations; to do so implies too great an intimacy.
Never put a single clinging tentacle into writing. Say nothing ever, that can be construed as demanding, asking, or even being eager for, his attentions!
Always keep in mind and never for one instant forget that a third person, and that the very one you would most object to, may find and read the letter.
One word more: It is not alone “bad form” but laying yourself open to every sort of embarrassment and danger, to “correspond with” a man you slightly know.

As one who has been a young woman lacking prudence; possessed of an embarrassing set of letters/emails/etc which I can only hope have been burned by the recipients; let me add - amen!

Along with an urging to read the Bible, you may read a caution to men to remain gentlemen by never writing a word which might sully a woman's reputation.

My Best to You All ~
Miss Liss

Gratitudes:

I am grateful the alarm on my cell phone isn't too jarring.
I am grateful for corn dogs and horseradish mustard (several meals in the last ten days).
I am grateful my husband doesn't cringe when I slaughter Chinese pronunciation.
I am grateful September was such a gorgeous month - weather wise.
I am grateful to the person who invented a genuinely sticky pad that can adhere hooks to walls and hold when stuff is placed on those hooks; the management company is grateful too.

accept him & he'll adore you & reform

noreply@blogger.com (miss liss) — Mon, 21 Sep 2009 20:44:00 +0000

I was watching The Music Man the other day. And I noticed a Fascinating Womanhood principle in action. Librarian, Marian, accepts swindler Harold Hill at face value and voila! he adores her and he reforms. It occurred to me that this same principle is demonstrated in other movies too, like in Guys and Dolls where lead gambler, Sky Masterson, seduces strait-lace Sarah Brown, falls in love with her and decides to give up gambling and support her in her cause to reform the nation. Or in Oklahoma! when Curly volunteers to give up ranching for farming. Or in Walk the Line when Johnny Cash gives up drugs for June Carter. 'Course she refuses to be with him unless he does . . . well then I suppose if your life is a musical it will work. Though Sky Masterson does gamble in order to support the reform the nation cause.

. . . well, he'll adore you then. So if you're accepting him to change him, just let that go. Accept him because you love him and he's yours.

Gratitudes:

I am grateful for musicals.
I am grateful for Matt & Kathryn - such great friends.
I am grateful for Jody and Gary - some newer great friends.
I am grateful for email, and for Mary's email in particular.
I am grateful for my comfy pillow; and that my husband is amused when I say, "I'll be there in a minute, I'm just bonding with my pillow."

blog changes

noreply@blogger.com (miss liss) — Fri, 18 Sep 2009 17:39:00 +0000

There have been a two changes to the blog over the last week.

1. new blog template - the other one was just too messy looking. I hope you'll agree that this new template is cleaner.

2. continue reading link - you'll notice that longer posts now have a continue reading link embedded. I've done this so that those of you not interested in scrolling through long posts won't have to suffer from my verbose tendancies.

Hope you like them.
~Miss Liss

book review: The Home-Maker by Dorothy Canfield Fisher

noreply@blogger.com (miss liss) — Wed, 16 Sep 2009 17:32:00 +0000

"The story of what happens when a wife and mother puts all her efforts into the house, and not the home. Fortunately, irreparable damage is averted when Lester, the father, takes over the role of homemaker." Reads the recommendation in The Gentle Art of Domesticity for The Home-Maker by Dorothy Canfield Fisher. With that introduction the plot was pretty simple to guess. The real genius of Fisher is her spot-on psychology. She infuses each character of this little world with thoughts so much their own that they leap off the page. By the time you come to the last chapters you can almost predict how each will react next.

I loved this book. It has been added to my mental "changed my life" bookshelf. I have always assumed that parenting ought to be learned ahead of time, if at all possible, and certainly involve outside expertise. This book dumps that idea on its head. Instead offering that parenting is so much more about the discovery--rather than the marshaling--of small charges.

The Home-Maker shows plainly how some women will never truly be happy in the home, some will adore being at home, and some will straddle the domestic and world spheres. What's more they will each succeed and excel. They will each be feminine and fascinating. Without any preachiness at all The Home-Maker manages to apply the concept of "choose what you'll love and you'll never work another day" to homelife.

Fisher illustrates clearly a concept that modern society tries to ignore: parenthood involves sacrifice. Specifically the stay-at-home parent. Of course, we all know this, but we try to jump around it prattling off about taking care of ourselves, finding outside interests, broadening our horizons. Through her characters Fisher shows the different approaches one might take but she never ignores the implacable fact that being a parent involves sacrifice. This alone makes the book worth reading.

Lastly, if nothing else, The Home-Maker is a worthwhile read just for being a well-written tome of domestic literature.

Gratitudes:

I am grateful for book recommendations.
I am grateful for touch.
I am grateful for water.
I am grateful for comfortable furniture.
I am grateful for kind friends.

inner happiness and infertility

noreply@blogger.com (miss liss) — Wed, 09 Sep 2009 16:09:00 +0000

There are few conditions more frustrating for a woman than being unable to have children. Infertility causes fall under the two heads social and biological. Social reasons refer to singlehood - whether because of divorce, widowhood, or never being married - single women are unlikely to have children (particularly if they believe in chastity). Biological causes are varied and include endometriosis, ovulation problems, inadequate cervical mucous, sperm allergy, uterine scar tissue and so on. Or possibly it may be the husband who is physiologically unable to procreate, usually from a low motility/ability for the sperm to fertilize an egg. Whatever the reason the inability to have children is emotionally taxing. [image source]

For some dealing with infertility the suggestion that they can experience inner happiness may be met with some cynical sarcasm, a wall to mask the very real pain they are in. To those dear women (and men) I say that I am very sorry - and I know this pain myself.

The difficulty with inner happiness and infertility is that one of the foundations upon which inner happiness derives is, "from confidence that your life is in harmony with divine and self-defined values." If you value family life, motherhood, and raising children the inability to have children smacks square in the gut - how can that possibly be overcome? The following suggestions - rely on a higher power, allow yourself to grieve, and do well what you are able - are a place to start from.

First, begin by relying on a higher power.

I believe in God the Eternal Father, in His Son Jesus Christ and in the power of the Holy Ghost to speak to my spirit peace that comes from God. You may believe in karma, in the divinity of the Universe, in the good of humanity, in Buddha, in Krishna, in the Mother Earth. Whatever you believe in it is important to strengthen your relationship with your higher power. This can be done through prayer and meditation, service, attending meetings, or any other activity that actively involves the spiritual aspects of yourself. [image source]

Secondly, allow yourself to grieve.

Grieving is the process of reconstructing our personal world after it has crumbled. Make no mistake infertility crumbles your world, if not your present then your future.

Infertility comes with a roller coaster of emotions including helplessness, surprise, guilt, frustration, and anger. You may feel rage and hatred towards others who have children. The attack on your self-image can be brutal. Your sexuality may be extremely threatened, feelings that you aren't a woman can surface, you may wonder if there's any point to sexual relations with your spouse. [image source]

The loneliness and isolation surrounding infertility can swamp you. You may feel that the only person you can turn to is your spouse. On top of all of these feelings is the reality of lost children. Jayne Taylor, a social worker at Primary Children's Medical Center who has also done work with infertility groups, describes dealing with the loss of future children as, "a very difficult task because the loss is so vague. It is hard to define a potential. There are no funerals, no rituals to help the bereaved. It is an invisible process."

Those with infertility grieve.

Grieving is a personal experience. How grief manifests will be different for you than for others. And the stages you stay in, and how long you stay in them, are also variable and personal.

The grief cycle is roughly divided into two ideologies. The first is the relatively well known Kübler-Ross stages of grief. The second is the lesser-know categories of grief described by Dr. Roberta Temes.

The first is so named for Swiss doctor Elizabeth Kübler-Ross. She spent a lot of time caring for and comforting terminally ill patients. She wrote her observations of these experiences in her book, On Death and Dying. Included in the book is a cycle of emotional states oft-described as the grief cycle. These emotional states are shock, denial, anger, bargaining, depression, testing and acceptance. The ups and downs of this cycle are shown in the following graph.

[graph courtesy Changing Minds.org]

The second grief model is delineated by Dr. Roberta Temes in the book, Living With An Empty Chair - a guide through grief. She describes grief in three broad stages:

Numbness (The mechanical functioning and social insulation behavior)
Disorganization (The intensely painful feelings of loss experience)
Reorganization (The re-entry into a more 'normal' social life behavior)

The value of this second model is that it takes some pressure off that your grief progress "correctly." Some unwitting persons may claim that you are in denial if you "skip ahead" to depression. They may assert that you haven't gone through "the right stages." Hogwash. The grieving cycles aren't like a step ladder where once you've stepped on denial you must step onto anger. It's more like finding yourself in a land of puddles. Some of the puddles may be deep, others shallow, some we may feel comfortable in and others we may clamber to be out of. Some people will go right on to the next puddle and others will walk around on the grass between bouts.

Whether you look at grief through the Kübler-Ross or Temes explanation it is possible to become stuck in the grieving process. Being stuck occurs when the same emotional experience is playing out day after day - a sort of nightmarish Groundhog Day. With the possible exception of shock we can be stuck in any stage. Returning to the above metaphor that means being stuck in a puddle, not walking about on the grass. Though walking about on the grass for too long may be a form of avoidance. Or possibly we may experience "cycling". This is a back and forth experience; again using the above metaphor, we hop around the puddles: now in denial, now in anger, now in acceptance, now back to anger, now bargaining, etcetera. In the process we don't allow ourselves to come to the crux of our thoughts and feelings and thus avoid acceptance. Avoiding acceptance is a way of staying near the puddles - not knowing what acceptance looks like, we balk at it and accuse it of being a scam. We may not like the puddles but they're preferable to figuring out what to do next. Cycling is just as detrimental to our inner peace and happiness as being stuck wallowing. If either persists for longer than three months you may want to seek professional help.

What both Dr. Kübler-Ross and Dr. Temes agree on is that grief must be experienced. If we hide from our grief now it will only come back later manifesting in outsized reactions that seem to have no impetus. Taylor attests that those with infertilty, "must realize and acknowledge that a loss of great magnitude has taken place and that to grieve is normal. Also, grief runs a predictable course, and the pain does lessen as time goes on." [image source]

Third, do well what you can do.

Years ago I read a book entitled, What I Wish I'd Known When I Was Single, the author, John Bytheway, related marriage to playing a duet on the piano. Of course it is very difficult to play a duet if you are only one person. He suggests that what can be done is to learn your individual part in the duet very well. In relation to marriage this might mean dating regularly, learning effective communication, being the sort of person now you'd like to be married. The same thought might be applied to parenthood. You may care for the children of your friends and family. Reading parenting books, serve the children of your community, be the sort of person now you'd like to be as a parent. Applied specifically to infertility you can seek out qualified medical professionals, explore adoption choices, care for your emotional well-being.

Near the end of the book, Bytheway comes back to his piano metaphor and advises that after working on the duet music a while you choose to put it away and instead take out some solo pieces. Practice those. Find the nuances in that music and make it beautiful. [image source]

The part I remember most from that chapter is a quote from John K. Carmack, said he,

If I were single and had no prospects for marriage, after a reasonable time in one location and a careful weighing of my job opportunities, I would probably explore other possibilities that could open new vistas for friendships and growth. [While] marriage and family life would be my ultimate goal. . . I would be careful not to make it my central focus.

Author C. S. Lewis said that if you make good health one of your direct objectives, it is easy to become a health crank and also to imagine that there is something wrong with you. Good health, he advised, is more likely to be achieved and experienced if you want other, related things more. If, for example, you enjoy good, nourishing meals; games that provide regular exercise; work; and open air, good health is the likely by-product.

Similarly, you may enjoy life through work, friendships, travel, hobbies, [spiritual experiences], and further education.

. . .[Christ's] parable of the talents was a powerful injunction that energy should be invested in increasing the talents one has been given and in employing those gifts granted to all of us. Those who fearfully hid their talents and brooded over the risks involved, he cautioned, would reap a bitter harvest.

In a similar vein, I suggest that you look to what you can do and do that well. If you've read about Inner Happiness you're aware that performing well in the domestic sphere is only one aspect of Inner Happiness - and motherhood only a partial aspect of that sphere. Inner happiness is also derived from growing creatively, giving service, developing your character, and self-acceptance. A woman who is single may, as Carmack suggests, move to a new locale. A married woman may, in a similar vein, move from the sphere of the home to the sphere of the workplace. A couple may shift their focus from wanting a baby to seeking enriching experiences, doing together those things they had planned to do with their children. However, none of these shifts can peacefully occur if we haven't allowed our grief to take its course. The trick to Inner Happiness with Infertility is that it lies through grief. Not under, around, or over, but through. [image source]

Gratitudes:

I am grateful for sunshine.
I am grateful for cut flowers.
I am grateful for a caring husband.
I am grateful for caring friends.
I am grateful for those who have been there before me.

Bibliography and Further Reading:
Dealing with Infertility Problems By Jayne E. Taylor
Inner Happiness: an assignment by Miss Liss
Kübler-Ross Grief Cycle by Changing Minds.org
Stages by Cancer Survivors.org
To My Single Friends by Elder John K. Carmack
Three Stages of Grief by Nancy Weitzman
What I Wish I'd Known When I Was Single by John Bytheway

links I've loved

noreply@blogger.com (miss liss) — Tue, 01 Sep 2009 15:59:00 +0000

The following are a few links I've loved from my August online perusings:

You and I by Ingrid Michaelson - This song recently came up on one of my Pandora stations and I've been humming it for days, my favorite line is, "let's get rich / and give everybody nice sweaters / and teach them how to dance"

The Seven Year Itch: Happy Anniversary My Darling - This post holds a special place in my heart because it's this year's anniversary love letter from my own dear husband.

Marriage and Infertility: Nothing I Do Helps - This article on helping a spouse deal with infertility is from the male perspective. An insight into the male psyche good for wives who feel that their husbands don't care.

Self-Reliance - In my religion [The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, aka Mormons] self-reliance is a big deal. Discussions on the topic almost always deals with physical needs like food and shelter; this talk on spiritual and emotional self-reliance I found refreshing and invigorating.

my best effort: to give peace of mind - Bryn wanted to get her husband a birthday gift that would be truly meaningful to him. She decided to take care of a bunch of odds and ends around the house. Then wrote the tasks completed on cards (with some quick-draw illustrations) and handed off a box of peace of mind to her husband. Genius!

Les Animaux - As a child I loved those "how to draw --" series. I would pore over the books, rarely actually attempting the drawings just pleased that if I wanted to draw a mouse or a possum or a rabbit I could. This French book on drawing animals is such beautiful line work. Be sure to check out the flickr set.

The Gamer's Girl - Conceived as a place "to share stories of humor, support, and wisdom to those who date, have fallen in love with, or are married to a gamer" this brand spanking new blog fills a perfect niche.

falafel for the soul - This cheery idea to leave encouraging notes in unlikely places can't help but put a smile on your face.

Gratitudes:

I am grateful to be married to a wonderful man.
I am grateful for "the information superhighway" connecting me with ideas and inspiration I wouldn't otherwise ever see.
I am grateful my husband went out late Saturday night to pick me up some pretzel chips and cheese.
I am grateful people really can't see through walls.
I am grateful my new glasses make everything so much clearer.

not so different from our great-grandparents

noreply@blogger.com (miss liss) — Thu, 20 Aug 2009 16:26:00 +0000

Each new generation defines new social mores and morals for itself. These generations go through cycles, so what was old-fashioned two or three generations ago may be new and exciting for the current generation.

When it comes to parental discipline of teenagers my husband and I come from different backgrounds. Whereas I had a strictly enforced curfew of 9 pm on the weekdays, and 10:30 pm on the weekends (when I was 18 the weekend curfew moved to midnight on either Friday or Saturday but not both) my husband didn't have a curfew - as long as his mother knew the home he was at he could stay out as late as he wanted. Whereas my grades were greatly scrutinized and I was severely lectured if I had so much as an A- on my report card my husband's grades were largely ignored. Whereas I had to defend what I spent my allowance/earnings on my husband's funds were his to do what he liked with. I was always rather annoyed with my parents for their strictness - considering I was such a good kid - and apparently that means I have something in common with the 1920s flapper as I discovered this morning:

"A survey of Muncie, [Indiana's] high school students in the 1920s revealed that the five most frequent soruces of disagreement between teenagers and their parents were, in order: (1) 'the number of times you go out on school nights during the week'; (2) 'the hour you get in at night'; (3) 'grades at school'; (4) 'your spending money'; and (5) 'use of the automobile.'" [Zeitz, Joshua. Flapper: A Madcap Story of Sex, Style, Celebrity, and the Women Who Made America Modern. 2006. pp. 34-35]
[image courtesy The Fashion Spot]

Gratitudes:

I am grateful for all you caring readers.
I am grateful to live in America.
I am grateful for the picture of dark purple dahlias in a clear vase against the light-green leaves of a tree outside sitting on my kitchen table.
I am grateful for my eyesight.
I am grateful for a husband who listens and cares.

random thoughts

noreply@blogger.com (miss liss) — Mon, 17 Aug 2009 16:23:00 +0000

My eyes need to get checked out. One of them is fine and the other one sees the world as very fuzzy. It's forcing me to cut down a lot on my reading and then the heat wave cut down a lot on my computer time and so I've just been left with me and my own thoughts . . . these are some of the conundrums I've been mulling over the last week or so:

Are minimalists ever overweight? Or does design aesthetic transfer into every other area of life?
If you were born a collector and clutter-gatherer can you become a minimalist?
Why does it smell like burnt popcorn every morning about the same time? Is it from the day care center or one of the nearby bakeries? Can people not figure out how to not burn stuff?
When a stressful situation makes a health condition flare which do you handle first, the health condition or the stressful situation?
How much of behavior, personality, or health is really genetic?
How often do herbs need watering?
Strictly as a consumer what are the actions I can take to be morally and ethically responsible? How much of changing my lifestyle is moral and how much is being fanatic?
Does reading or not reading the newspaper make you a good person? Or does it not factor in to goodness levels?
Why am I so nervous about offering assistance to homeless individuals? What's the right way to show that I view them as people? Is there a right way?
What's the point where personal responsibility meets social responsibility? If my conscience doesn't walk the line someone else says it should who's right? Is there a right or wrong?

As summer winds down and we gear up for fall - and fall quotas/classes - what conundrums have you been puzzling over?

Gratitudes:

I am grateful for the beautiful dahlias my husband bought me at the farmer's market.
I am grateful quiche is easy and yummy to make.
I am grateful I was sad when my sister left - it means she didn't stay too long.
I am grateful my husband loves me.
I am grateful for all the free concerts in my area - and the friends who invite me to go to them.

will return when cooler

noreply@blogger.com (miss liss) — Tue, 28 Jul 2009 14:20:00 +0000

[image "Summer Time" by nicadlr]

A heat wave has hit my lovely town. Heat is rather uncommon - hence no air conditioning. 'Nway, it is much too hot to think, let alone have electronics on. Just going to adopt the time as a mini-vacation and try my best to turn myself into a lemonade-sipping southerner. Thinking these south Texas vacation tips and (for me herbal) tea in a jar tips shall prove useful.

Hope you're enjoying your own summer surprises.

Gratitudes:

I am grateful my sister, who's visiting, has adapted to the heat wave so well.
I am grateful my husband knows how to talk me down from an emotional meltdown when I stress out over all the plans being upturned.
I am grateful for the ceiling fan, oh, so grateful.
I am grateful for water.
I am grateful for sunshine.

love postage

noreply@blogger.com (miss liss) — Mon, 27 Jul 2009 16:10:00 +0000

Just writing out some notes I thought I'd place my stamp in the position that means "Thank you" except apparently that isn't part of the language of stamps. Oh, well, at least I know how to say different lovey-dovey things now and a polite way to say "write back soon!" (stamp centered on the right edge). How about sending some of your own love messages this weekend? To be certain your message is received correctly you might want to also send along a "decoder" such as these:

image courtesy penelope page 9

image courtesy letter writers allliance

image courtesy penelope page 9

image courtesy card mine postcards

And, supposing you've a presentation to give on the language of stamps (or are just interested) here's a few more articles to check out:

The Hidden Language of Stamps by bookofjoe
From Love to Longing to Protest by Ian Urbina in The New York Times
Hidden in Plain View: Stamp Position Codes by Jay Smith & Associates
Or if you're in the mood to say "I love you" with more than just stamps you might check out the post on Love's Secret Languages by Plan an Elegant Tea Party.

Gratitudes:

I am grateful for snail mail.
I am grateful my sister will be in town for two-and-half-weeks. Yippee, Skippee!!
I am grateful my husband thinks I'm beautiful.
I am grateful for music.
I am grateful for the post office.

comfort food

noreply@blogger.com (miss liss) — Thu, 23 Jul 2009 20:40:00 +0000

As many of you may already know I am not a fan of casseroles. Still, every once in a great while, when I have reached the edge of my emotional tethers I make a tuna fish casserole. It's a staple from my childhood and, somehow, it magicks up a deep sense that everything's going to be okay even if it doesn't look like it now.

In the last seven years I've made a tuna fish casserole only five times but I know the recipe by heart.

Ingredients:

8 oz macaroni, sea shell pasta, OR 1 bag potato chips (I prefer crinkly)
cheddar cheese (I prefer sharp)
butter
2 cans tuna fish in water
1 can cream o' mushroom soup

Tools:

8x8 pan (if using pasta) or 9x13 pan (if using potato chips)
spatula/wooden spoon
pasta fork
saucepan (if using pasta)
cheese grater
large spoon (for dishing up)

Directions:

Preheat oven to 325F
Grate the cheese and set aside.
If using, cook pasta to al dente (not quite done).
Pour entire contents of tuna fish and cream o' mushroom soup cans into pan. Use a spatula or wooden spoon to mix together.
Using a pasta fork add the cooked pasta along with a little bit of the pasta water to the pan OR add the potato chips. Mix together with spatula.
Spread the top with grated cheese.
Place small 1/2 - 1 tsp sized dollops of butter over the top of the cheese. Roughly 5 dollops for the 8x8 pan or 8 dollops for the 9x13 pan.
Place in oven for 10 minutes or until cheese is melted.
Serve (serves about 4-6).
Be comforted.

What's your comfort food?

Gratitudes:

I am grateful for my body.
I am grateful for the sunshine.
I am grateful for the beautiful yellow gerber daisies my husband brought me.
I am grateful for (and excited about) beautiful packages. (psst. check it out! it's a lovely package exchange)
I am grateful for prayer.

old-fashioned tips for good health

noreply@blogger.com (miss liss) — Tue, 21 Jul 2009 16:29:00 +0000

[image courtesy Dr. X ]

Rise early.
Eat simple food.
Take plenty of exercise.
Never fear a little fatigue.
Let not children be dressed in tight clothes; it is necessary their limbs and muscles should have full play, if you wish for either health or beauty.
Avoid the necessity of a physician, if you can, by careful attention to your diet.
Eat what best agrees with your system, and resolutely abstain from what hurts you, however well you may like it. A few days' abstinence, and cold water for a beverage, has driven off many an approaching disease.
If you find yourself really ill, send for a good physician. Have nothing to do with quacks; and do not tamper with quack medicines. You do not know what they are; and what security have you that they know what they are?
Wear shoes that are large enough. It not only produces corns, but makes the feet misshapen, to cramp them.

Wash very often, and rub the skin thoroughly with a hard brush.
Let those who love to be invalids drink strong green tea, eat pickles, preserves, and rich pastry.
As far as possible, eat and sleep at regular hours.
Wash the eyes thoroughly in cold water every morning.
Do not read or sew at twilight, or by too dazzling a light.
If far-sighted, read with rather less light, and with the book somewhat nearer to the eye, than you desire. If nearsighted, read with a book as far off as possible. Both these imperfections may be diminished in this way.
Clean teeth in pure water two or three times a day; but, above all, be sure to have them clean before you go to bed.
Have your bed-chamber well aired; and have fresh bed linen every week.
Never have the wind blowing directly upon you from open windows during the night.
It is not healthy to sleep in heated rooms.
Let children have their bread and milk before they have been long up. Cold water and a run in the fresh air before breakfast.
Too frequent use of an ivory comb injures the hair. Thorough combing, washing in suds, or N.E. Rum, and thorough brushing, will keep it in order; and the washing does not injure the hair, as is generally supposed.
Keep children's hair cut close until ten or twelve years old; it is better for health and the beauty of the hair.
Do not sleep with hair frizzled, or braided.
Do not make children cross-eyed, by having hair hang about their foreheads, where they see it continually.

[Child, Lydia Maria Francis. (aka Mrs. Child) The American Frugal Housewife, 1832. pp.87 – 88]

Gratitudes:

I am grateful for post-its. So useful when reading library books.
I am grateful for strawberries . . . and the strawberry season.
I am grateful for the sense of touch.
I am grateful my husband came home safe.
I am grateful my husband likes to encircle me in his arms.

how to get the body you want

noreply@blogger.com (miss liss) — Mon, 20 Jul 2009 16:17:00 +0000

This post might also be titled "how to get the body you want within reason"; no matter how much I wish I was 5'7" puberty is over and I'm not going to grow any taller in this life (or at least not by nearly four inches). Now that's cleared up let's go over the three factors that control your body shape: weight, genetics, and activity.

Part One: Weight

Technically when talking about weight we mean mass. Weight is actually a function of the pull of gravity, thus you weigh less on the Moon (or Mars for that matter) than on Earth. Not to be nitpicky I'll stick with the common usage word . . . weight. Weight is a function of three groups. Muscle, fat, and the skeleton/base matter of the body (organs, plasma, connective tissue, skin, hair, etc.) In a healthy female the third group will account for approximately 37% of the body's mass, another 35% is muscle, and fat will make up the remaining 27% or so. To remain healthy (and fertile) a woman's fat percentage ought to be no lower than 20%.

The loss or gain of weight has to do with calorie consumption. Calorie is the name scientists gave to the amount of energy, in the form of heat, required to raise the temperature of one kilogram of water [1 cubic centimeter] by one degree at the atmospheric level present on land at sea level. Your body needs energy to keep you thinking, walking, breathing,blogging, sleeping, digesting and so on. Nutritionists have figured out that most healthy adults need about 2000 calories [read: units of energy] a day. Your body can only get calories one of two ways: either through eating or taking it from somewhere in the body, usually fat cells. When you eat fewer calories (such as going on a diet) you lose weight because your body procures the remaining needed calories by "consuming" fat cells. The reason you lose weight when you increase your physical activity (while eating consumption remains stable) is because the body now needs more energy, i.e. calories, to pump the heart more times, strengthen more blood vessel walls, repair more broken muscle fibers, and so on.

If you are overweight, chances are you already know ways to lose weight. There are dozens of books, and thousands of magazine articles on weight loss with all sorts of tips and tricks. I am only going to offer three:

Chew food thoroughly. This slows down eating giving the stomach time to signal that it is full. Though chewing advocates recommend that you chew each mouthful 25 times (macrobiotics recommend up to 100 times) I suggest you start with ten. Place your utensils down after each bite (or set the hamburger down). Chew ten times, make a comment to your neighbor if you're with other people. And then resume. Please try it, at least at dinnertime.
Make physical movement accountable. This might mean that you take a dance/kick-boxing/pilates class, or it might mean that you go for a walk in the evening with your neighbor or spouse. Or maybe pay for private lessons with a personal trainer or even plan a weekly party motivating you to thoroughly clean the house. It doesn't matter what motivates you so much as that you hold yourself accountable.
Pick one book/magazine/teacher and be devoted to that. Chances are you've read a few dozen books, picked up nearly as many cookbooks, and read countless magazine articles. Amassing information won't get results. Pick something you resonate with and become a devotee of that for at least six months. It's no secret that I love Real Food and French Women Don't Get Fat, but I have a wonderful friend about my same size who prefers Running magazine and classes with a particular personal trainer at our local gym.

Part Two: Genetics

It amazes me that women will accept that their eye color is genetically pre-determined but not that their bone structure, metabolism, muscle shape and so on are. Here's the crash course in how genetics affects your body shape.

The chiropractic kineseologist my husband and I saw for several years explained to us that some people have a predominantly aerobic metabolism and others have a predominantly anaerobic metabolism. It's pretty easy to tell which is which; those with the aerobic (using oxygen) metabolism feel full longer after a meal, are more likely to be overweight, and when healthy tend to have fleshier muscles. Those with anaerobic (without oxygen) metabolisms are hungry soon after a meal, need to eat breakfast, are more likely to be undernourished and when healthy tend to be wiry/very thin, also may have difficulty gaining weight. If you're stumped, take a quick glance around your extended family, chances are you'll be able to tell which of the two you have.

Aside from the looks department your predominant metabolism type can hint you towards the type of exercise that will get the quickest results for your body's health. Aerobic exercises are also those commonly referred to as being cardiovascular such as biking, long-distance running, jumping rope, dance, etcetera. Anaerobic exercises include weight lifting, swimming, and short intense bursts of aerobic activities such as sprinting or circuits.

Genetics other major contribution is referred to as your body "type". Are your legs long or short? Your torso long or short? Are you buxom or, ahem, flat? Is there a lot of space from the bottom of your rib cage to the top of your pelvis? [meaning your waist can nip in a lot] Are you curvy or straight? Have delicate bones or big-boned? These are things that no amount of exercise or dieting or loathing will change. Love them if you can, accept them at the least. Then pay attention to the fashions that accentuate what you like about yourself. psst: and please note the only women that look good in skinny jeans are a size 6 (if tall) or smaller.

Part Three: Activity

What you do with your body changes it's shape because the body is designed to work as efficiently as possible. If you don't need a bulging gastrocnemius (calf muscle) to get through everyday life, you won't have one. Instead of looking at models to figure out what sort of body you'd like to have take a look at athletes.

I've rounded up some pictures:

yoga practitioner
olympic marathon runner
olympic sprinter

cyclist

Keep in mind that these individuals devote A LOT of time to fitness. So don't be discouraged if you're looking more like a casual cyclist or if you feel like a toddler learning to climb stairs while on your way to performing an upward bow. After looking at these images you may decide that you don't want to devote that much of your life to vanity. Instead opt to do what soothes and invigorates you, whether that's kickboxing or vacuuming. Now for three more suggestions:

Take an inventory of your own body. What are the defining features of your skeleton? Which type of metabolism do you have? Who can you realistically look like?
Which type of athlete do you want to be? What sort of actions are these athletes doing to give them the bodies that they have? Can you participate in that sport or incorporate a few of the actions into your everyday life?
How committed are you to fitness? Do you really want to devote 20 hours a week or more to fitness? Does that invigorate you? Do you have the time? the energy? What is more realistic? What sorts of results can you realistically expect over the next three months? six months? eighteen months? three years?

Now for the final question—why bother knowing all of this? To encourage contentment and accomplishment. Taking myself as an example, no matter how much I admire Audrey Hepburn I'm always going to look more like Marilyn Monroe. I'm 5'3"; there is 9" of space from my ribcage to my pelvis giving me a very nipped-in waist; though flat as a teenager I had a "second puberty" and am now a 'D'; my dominant metabolism type is aerobic; I have a petite bone structure. For me to aspire to the look of Audrey Hepburn is just setting myself up for failure. Similarly doing a lot of biking expecting to look like a volleyball player sets myself up for failure. Failure leads to frustration, which leads to throwing in the towel, which leads to depression, which leads to feeling like a victim, which leads to eating a lot of ice cream. We all know where eating a lot of ice cream leads.

Gratitudes:

I am grateful my husband volunteered to watch a friend's toddler so we and another woman could have a girls night out.
I am grateful I know how to make really yummy chocolate chip cookies without using a recipe.
I am grateful my husband always likes my cookies even if I don't put in enough flour and a batch comes out flat.
I am grateful my Mother was there for me last week when I had an emotional crisis.
I am grateful the herbs are beginning to perk back up (after copious watering).

think yourself thin; part III of III

noreply@blogger.com (miss liss) — Fri, 17 Jul 2009 16:16:00 +0000

Note: My husband is fond of saying that I “thought myself thin”. This is both true and untrue. My weight loss journey has operated on the principle that what we put our attention on we attract. Thus if your attention is on “it is difficult to lose weight” or “I have to work really hard to lose weight” that is what you will attract. My own focus has been on “weight just drops off” and “my lifestyle is one of satisfaction and I am thin” and “I eat what is yummy and I am a healthy weight”. That is when I think about it at all. Which I usually don't. This three part series is my story in a nutshell.

Part III: I lose weight.

[image courtesy food & yoga]

Though I stopped gaining weight that day pants shopping. I didn't start losing it. To lose weight I began by putting my attention on, well, losing the weight. I didn't actively try to do anything about it, just continually put my attention on those things I knew led to weight loss.

A few years previously I had read Real Food by Nina Planck. I paid attention to the principles I had learned in the book. Eating many more fruits and vegetables than I grew up eating. Also eating things with full fat content as it digests better and the body can actually use it.

After a few months I began to take some yoga classes. I was amazed how much my muscles had atrophied but continued to go to the gentle classes anyway.

A year later I weighed the same and had gone down two sizes.

Another year went by. Whenever I would get discouraged I'd remind myself that I was in this for the long haul and would continue until my lifestyle supported a healthy weight.

I then came across another book that would change my life, French Women Don't Get Fat by Mireille Guiliano. I read and re-read the book. Placing my attention on the various tips and tricks she offers in a book that reads like a memoir. Over time, I dropped another two pant sizes and my weight went down five pounds.

A little over a year ago, I woke up one day and decided that I was going to use the exercise video I had purchased several years previously. For five weeks, 4 – 6 times a week, I worked out with the video. (Secluded in the bedroom so no one would make fun of me.) Then as suddenly as the desire came, it left and I had lost twenty-five pounds and four more pant sizes.

Since then I attend pilates classes and more yoga classes. My husband again wraps one arm entirely around my waist and tells me that I'm “itty bitty”. And I'm likely to continue to get "itty bitty". I'm okay with that. Any woman that is going to freeze me out for that, needn't apply to be my friend. Though, thankfully I now know to keep my mouth shut.

Gratitudes:

I am grateful for being taught the principle of attraction.
I am grateful my husband loves me.
I am grateful my friends love me.
I am grateful cell phones automatically call long-distance.
I am grateful I was brave enough (and received sufficient prompting from my husband) to ask that woman in the bistro who cuts her hair.

think yourself thin; part II of III

noreply@blogger.com (miss liss) — Thu, 16 Jul 2009 16:08:00 +0000

Part II: I stop gaining weight.

[image courtesy love bugs]

As mentioned in part one, in one month I gained twenty pounds. After that initial jump my weight crept along up the scale. About eighteen months later I'd put on over fifty pounds.

One day I realized I needed to go pants shopping. After three stores, that I used to shop at no problem, I found myself in Old Navy.

I try on a pair of pants. They don't fit.
Then I try on another.
And another.
I decide to try on slacks instead of jeans. Better however the size I've pulled still doesn't fit so up another size I go. And then another. At length I find a pair of pants that fit. Then I look at the size and am shocked to see that it is twelve sizes larger than I wore less than two years previously!

Blinking back tears I recall the day when my heart sunk and I had thought, clearly and distinctly, that I must gain weight to have friends. Well, the women I put the weight on for didn't become my friends. And when I moved, I made new friends who weren't nearly as obsessed about their weight (or with complaining in general). Right then, I decided I wasn't going to gain any more weight. The decision was just as emotional and final as my thought to gain weight had been eighteen months earlier.

I stopped gaining weight.

Considering what happened I'd say that in both gaining weight and stopping to gain weight I had an actualized belief experience. In both cases, I had a thought I focused on clearly. In both cases, I had confidence in my ability to make my belief true. Lastly, (and most importantly) I mixed the thought with a sufficient amount of emotion that the thought bypassed the conscious mind and went straight to the subconscious – ta da, actualized belief! To learn more about actualized beliefs I suggest you read Think and Grow Rich by Napolean Hill, particularly Chapter 3 "Faith Visualization of, and Belief in Attainment of Desire" & Chapter 12 "The Subconscious Mind: The Connecting Link"

continued tomorrow . . .

Gratitudes:

I am grateful for pamprin.
I am grateful for my kind husband, who will rub my lower back for well over thirty minutes to give me some relief from the pain.
I am grateful for the library.
I am grateful I have such a large collection of watercolor brushes.
I am grateful I can sing.

think yourself thin; part I of III

noreply@blogger.com (miss liss) — Wed, 15 Jul 2009 16:26:00 +0000

[Way back in January I wrote the “Think Yourself Thin” post. A looooooooooong interruption occurred and the post somehow disappeared into cyberspace. So here we go again . . .]

Note: My husband is fond of saying that I “thought myself thin”. This is both true and untrue. My weight loss journey has operated on the principle that what we put our attention on we attract. Thus if your attention is on “it is difficult to lose weight” or “I have to work really hard to lose weight” that is what you will attract. My own focus has been on “weight just drops off” and “my lifestyle is one of satisfaction", "I am thin” and “I eat what is yummy and I am a healthy weight”. That is when I think about it at all. Which I usually don't. This three part series is my story in a nutshell.

Part I: I gain weight.

[image courtesy redbook]

When I married I was what is commonly referred to as "itty bitty". I continued “itty bitty” after marriage (which was in August) in fact getting smaller and smaller. [Much to the confusion of my in-laws, as shotgun weddings are more the norm in that family.]

One October day a few women I regularly saw on Sundays, with their husbands, invited me to hang out with them. I was ecstatic because I had gone from daily interactions with at least ten females down to, uh, none most days. I was desperate to be liked.

After our shopping trip outing we are heading home. There are five women and I am in the middle backseat of the car. I keep trying to tell myself that everything's okay and not to worry about anything. My mind wanders and as it wanders back I realize that the women are taking about gaining weight.

Woman 1 [in the passenger seat]:" . . . just can't understand it."

Woman 2 [driving]: "I know it's so weird how you put on weight after you get married."

Woman 3 [to my right]:"I just got married in July and I've already put on like fifteen pounds."

Woman 1: “But you look great. None of my clothes fit anymore.”

Woman 2: “I know, you stand in front of the mirror and just start crying. But our husbands are so great they just tell us how beautiful we are.”

Me: [I've been almost silent the entire outing and so I interject now that there's finally some sort of thing I can complain about along with all the other women] “My husband complains all the time that I keep getting smaller.”

Woman 2: “Wish my husband would complain about that.” . . . pause . . . “Though I suppose if I worked out all the time I would get smaller too.”

Me: “Oh, but I don't work out at all.”

Silence. As in could hear a pin drop. Women 1 & 2 glare at me. Women 3 & 4 (who had been silent) turn away and scoot towards the doors as much as their seat belts allow. I think Woman 1 is blinking back tears. I know I am, trying to figure out how I alienated everyone so completely. The rest of the drive was silent. We pull up to the duplex where Woman 1 and I live. I get out. She doesn't, and instead of the car turning up the street to go to the homes of all the other women it drives down the street the women now laughing and talking. I realize with a sinking heart that I will have to gain weight in order to have friends.

A month later I've put on twenty pounds.

continued tomorrow . . .

Gratitudes:

I am grateful for the need to want less series by recovering lazyholic. I especially like this one.
I am grateful the laundry room is usually pretty empty during the day on Mondays or Tuesdays.
I am grateful for all of those who are visiting the how to get a fabulous haircut post.
I am grateful for the vendor who introduced me to red russian kale. Cook some bacon, add a can of white beans, some thyme and rosemary, a tablespoon of white vinegar and a squeeze of lemon. Chop up the kale, place in the pan and after it's wilted serve with corn on the cob or crusty bread. Mmm yummy.
I am grateful my teeth are sound.