Fashion Coconuts : Fashion Loving and Bashing

The Hangover 3 : Bangkok Has Had Him And Spat Him Out.

noreply@blogger.com (Lady Noix de Coco) — Sun, 22 Jan 2012 20:57:00 +0000

...For any of you who havent watched the Hangover 2, all ya need to know is that when Bangkok has got you, it likes to mess around with you (this may involves lady balls and/or drug addicted monkeys).

What I didnt realise would stem from the movie though was this feminine oriental pimp jacket from Topshop:

If you too want to be part of Mr Chow's crazy gang and wish to bring all the ladyboyz to the yard, feel free to purchase this for £55 at Topshop.

Phil: Wait a second Chow. We're in Bangkok?
Mr. Chow: Holla! City of Squala!

Squealfully Yours,

So long, farewell, auf Wiedersehen, adieu !

noreply@blogger.com (Lady Noix de Coco) — Mon, 10 Oct 2011 19:07:00 +0000

Nope, I am not about to jump off London Bridge and proclaim my love for Batman in the vain hope that he'll get the memo - I have just decided to move on to bigger things (Oi don't be perverts!!) and a bigger blog :)

This is therefore my last post on this blog. It has been totes amazing interacting with you all, you are my favorites bitches in the world and I look forward to interacting with you again on my new blog :) My new blog wont be just about fashion, but a whole lotta things on top of it!

I am still setting it up so please bear with me (if you can be arsed!) and email me at inglamwetrust@gmail.com if you wanna keep in touch!

Muchos Besos!

xxxxx

Baby Cross Me One More Time

noreply@blogger.com (Lady Noix de Coco) — Wed, 17 Aug 2011 23:02:00 +0000

Across:

- Overrated store whose name rhymes with cock flop (if pronounced by Super Mario after a heavy night of coke blowing with Lady Gaga and Papa Smurf at Donatella's private partay.) (7)
-Item of clothing typically worn by evil librarians, tree huggers and young men suffering from the menopause. (8)

Down:
-Pattern that is the geek's equivalent to a Playboy spread. Clue. (9)
- Price that is so obscene, it made me want to grow an instant perm, a pair of botoxed balls and sing ' Livin' on a Prayer' by Bon Jovi. Clue : CCLX in Roman numerals (3)

Answers in the comments please! Love you bitches :)

Sporadically Yours,

Snoop Boobie Dog : Fo Shizzle My Nipplzz

noreply@blogger.com (Lady Noix de Coco) — Thu, 09 Jun 2011 19:53:00 +0000

Who let the dogs out?
Who, who, who, who, who?

Who let the dogs out?
Who, who, who, who, who?
Who let the dogs out?
Who, who, who, who, who?
Who let the dogs out ?

To this never-ending philosophical question I can empirically respond : TOPSHOP !!

Yes, after years of the Baha Men asking who let the goddamn mutts out, we have proof by t-shirt courtesy of this mind boggling design by Topshop.

Note the 'I Love Bitches Badge' and confused expression on this doggie's mug. Obviously, the dog is as gay as a handbag full of rainbows.

Seriously, I actually find this t-shirt offensive. Why has this dog got braids?! Who in their right mind would want to walk around in PUBLIC with a t-shirt displaying a bi-curious gangsta dog ?

By the way.... I missed you bitches !!!!

xoxo

Yours in bitching,

Jesus Is Back...And So Am I...!

noreply@blogger.com (Lady Noix de Coco) — Sun, 03 Apr 2011 21:19:00 +0000

...But unlike Jesus, I have not been stuck in the 80's for the last 3 months or so. Thanks ASOS for bringing the Lord back, but seriously, couldn't you have Timberlaked it and brought sexyback?!

Anyway, these last 3 months have been slightly mad: I fell into a deep coma as soon as I heard the news that Serena Van Der Boobsen - aka Blake Muesli- had been selected by Uncle Karl to be the new bitchface for their Mademoiselle line. SACRILEGE!!! (post coming after i finish hyperventilating).

I wish I could tell you that I was woken up by a kiss of the Gerry, but unfortunately the reality is that someone put Jersey Shore on my TV and the latter could not handle the various shades of Cheetos and exploded in my room. Waking me up in the process. So I woke up to the sight of The Situation. BWAHHH!!!

And ARG!!Does anyone know what in the name of Kim K's family fold up seat has happened to Blogger? I am unable to inject some Botox to my derelict online blog as the "template designer" seems to be on strike...Anyone else has this issue?!

Thanks bitches and big french bisous to Gabrielle and Mistytewest for their ongoing support :)

Yeah am a poseur!

Yours In Bitching,

Talk To The Hand...The Face Is Sick!

noreply@blogger.com (Lady Noix de Coco) — Thu, 13 Jan 2011 12:14:00 +0000

Naaaah! I was not trying to be rude to you people. Just tryin' to be clever with my blog title...You know, since my post is going to be about DYI and homemade stoof and all that....Shame it is failing though coz obviously it is less funny as noone is talking to my face in the first place. Oh the joys of blogging!

Anyways, all this kerfuffle to advise you that The Jewellery Master Asteria from Aglaia has posted up a really cool idea which I would like to share with you:

"I promise something handmade to the FIRST 5 people who leave a comment here. However, to be eligible, you must repost this message, offering something handmade to 5 other people. The rules are that it must be handmade by you, and it must be sent to your 5 giftees sometime in 2011. Ready, set, GO!"

I am bloody terrible at making stuff with my hands - being able to type in my PIN code eyes closed is about my only skill- but I really love the idea of sending /receiving something real in the real world. Who knows, you may end up with a fabulous collage of Gerard lovingly made by yours truly :-)

Whatever I receive/send will be posted throughout 2011 - even if it is naughty or messed up. Ha, I am totally looking forward to this now...*massive grin*

Please put your links in the comment section and... Ready, Steady, Comment!

PS: I will contact the 5 first commenters who put up links to get your adresses and send you your holy surprise!
Cataclismically Yours,

Life In Plastic, It's Not Fantastic ! (Come on Barbie, Let's Go Crazy)

noreply@blogger.com (Lady Noix de Coco) — Wed, 12 Jan 2011 09:41:00 +0000

- Hi Barbie!
- Hi Ken!
- You wanna go for a ride at the landfill site?
- Sure, Ken!
- Jump in!
- Ha ha ha ha!
(I hope I am not the only one who knows this song...!!)

Aaaaaaaanyway. Did you know that 70% of home accidents occur in the bathroom? Yes that's right: 70% of home accidents are bruised asses and bruised egos. It seems that the combination of water and smooth surfaces makes taking a bath or shower a risky proposition for some. But fear not, for brazilian brand Melissa has launched these nastilicious bathtub mat shoes, available for £75 at ASOS!

Apparently these are conceptual shoes (you gotta explain the £75 with something eh) : Gaetano Pesce, an Italian architect has designed these sexy jurassic shoes for you to take a scissor and cut the crap circles

as you wish. Explanation: "This is the future of mass production," Pesce tells the New York Times's T Magazine. "With the technology we have today, we can give people something that is half done and ask them to finish it".

That's right : apparently you should be thankful for paying 75 quids for plastic and then finishing your shoes off with scissors! What the Croc?! I thought Crocs were bad but at least you did not have to mess with their fugliness. Natural fugliness all the way!

Personally, I find them revolting - but lots of people on the tinterwebz are raving about them. I despair. Seriously, I'd rather strut my stuff and my junk in my grandma's slippers than have expensive rubbery fuckery on my feet.

Ugh. What do you guys think? Plastic Fantastic or Tragic Plastic?

Tragically Yours,

That's Flare Enough!

noreply@blogger.com (Lady Noix de Coco) — Mon, 10 Jan 2011 11:20:00 +0000

Goddammit. I wish I could explain my lack of online presence by a romantic kidnapping to Venice by Gerard Butler and his flying kilt followed by a subsequent gentleman rescue back to the UK by Colin Firth and his sexy awkwardness, but instead I was rather busy organising my transition from Spreadsheet Slave (current job) to Vibrating Underwear Executive* (new job starting soon).

Yes, I am starting a new job soon and it may involve oggling the male models in the marketing department under the guise of Business Management...You do understand, I need to make sure that they are treated in accordance to the Human Rights Act and are not mishandled (unless instructed by me). I will also make sure that the business is supported appropriately (I actually mean the company, not the ball bundle you pervy ladies).

In the meantime, I can say that I am extremely excited about what 2011 will bring us fashionwise! Judging by the stuff I have seen online and offline, it seems that a return to flirty 50's feminine shapes and cool 70's vibes will be all the rage. Ah,ha,ha,ha stayin' aliiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiive!

I loooove the fit and flare dresses that have been out recently. Much more elegant than the disgusting sausage dresses that were all over the place last year ( by that I mean the 'bodycon' dresses).

This year is my chance to become ladylike! And even if I can't manage it (I believe that I will still be farting in some people's general direction this year) , then I will at least look like my farts smell of roses. Result.

So peeps, what do you think of 2011's trends? Anyone else excited? Or am I the only one relishing the return to the 50's housewife silhouette?

* Not Actual Job Title

Flaringly Yours,

It's The Final Countdown (dadadada dadadadada dadadada dadadadadadada)!

noreply@blogger.com (Lady Noix de Coco) — Fri, 31 Dec 2010 01:00:00 +0000

Thank you to everyone who has spent some time with me this year on this nutty blog !! Feeders, Googlers, people searching for nekkid people and people searching for barrels of monkeys included! Happy 2011!!

xoxo

Stop! In The Name of Blog

noreply@blogger.com (Lady Noix de Coco) — Wed, 29 Dec 2010 11:37:00 +0000

Today, I am getting off my pedestal. Partly not of my own will, it actually broke due to too many turkey sandwiches, brussel sprouts (they totally took the Lady out of me) and chocolate truffles. So instead, I am jumping on a soapbox for an end of the year rant (wearing brand new nude shoes). I am having one of those "I am really annoyed with blogging" day where I feel like unplugging everything.

I am always extremely flattered and happy when I get a new follower. And I am soooo excited when I get a new comment - and for that I massively thank all the people who have stopped by, are stopping by and are leaving comments on this blog : I love you all !!

But frankly I am getting sick and tired of the 'I am following you so follow me back' blogging mentality. And for that, I massively spank all the people who have followed me and then within a few days, unfollowed because I did not follow back : I fart in your general direction. Yes this is not ladylike but who cares, I have eaten enough Brussels sprouts to address you all.

It annoys the roll neck out of me. And I don't even wear freaking rollnecks!!! In any case, well done to you because I feel like it is my time to close the virtual doors...Bah.
In any case, I hope everyone had a Merry Christmas and I wish you all a Fabulous New Year !!!

Depressingly Yours,

#TEAMKRISTY : Because She Is Worth It !

noreply@blogger.com (Lady Noix de Coco) — Wed, 22 Dec 2010 20:49:00 +0000

Today is a special day for me. It is time for me to pay for all my narcissism and not only thank a fabulous blogger and fabulous blogger friend for her constant support (she was one of the first ladies who came to the rescue of yours truly when I started unleashing my out of control wrath virtually) but also finally give her a little bit of support back!!!

For those of you who still havent heard/read of the wonderful Kristy of Vogue Gone Rogue :

1) Spank yourself silly. Haven't you heard that crimson is very popular this winter?! Go and get them cheeks as red as Rihanna's Ronald McDonald hairdo!!
2) Go and check her Full Time Fabulous Blog : please rate her blog, leave a comment and spread the word!!
3) Ask your partner to give you a booty massage - but only after you have completed instruction number 2 !!!

Why Should Kristy Win The Sunglass Hut's Full Time Fabulous Blogger contest?

Duh ! She IS Full Time Fabulous!
She is an amazing blogger who can combine thoughtful articles on the fashion industry, breathtaking photography and has a unique sense of style.
She is one of the few bloggers whose articles I actually genuinely read because they are so unique! No rehashed content, just pure creativity and thought.
She is a cat lady!
She likes Robert Downey Junior!
She is dedicated to the blogger community and that's awesome.

Always for #TEAMKRISTY!!!

My Name is Axxx And I Am a Bagaholic

noreply@blogger.com (Lady Noix de Coco) — Tue, 21 Dec 2010 15:56:00 +0000

As far as I can remember, my addiction to handbags can be traced as far back as the minute I reached the walking age. Which is also the age for the typical girl conditioning : girls must carry plastic babies, plastic nappies, plastic forks, plastic teapots and vaccuum cleaners for their pseudo husband who already wants to play pervy doctors (boys conditioning eh?).

It is too bad for my mother that as soon as I was given a plastic baby to play with, I had colored his lips with crayola, given him Frida Kahlo's eyebrows and customised the nappies with starry stickers. I still think it would be an extremely funny thing to do. And I am not joking!

Instead, I decided that carrying everything that was available around the house would make me look grown up. To this day, I still believe that if the suit maketh the man, the bag maketh the lady!

One of my favourite shops EVER for bags is ZARA. I could spend (and I will spend) a fortune, just buying their bags. I think that most of the time, ZARA never gets it wrong with their bags, and they look seriously high end. These are my current favourites and on my to buy list (i have the pleated one already!) - all are under £100 .

Anyone else a big Zara fan? Do you prefer lots of high street bags or a few designer bags?

Always a Bag Lady,

OMG Woman Resigns From Her Job! (*Carine Roitfeld Resigns From French VOGUE)

noreply@blogger.com (Lady Noix de Coco) — Sat, 18 Dec 2010 16:26:00 +0000

... And guess what? I don't give a Wintour's magical barnet's ass. Seriously, I am probably going to sound like the most ignorant fashion blogger in the blogosphere but whilst I enjoy reading blogs and fashion news, this sort of "breaking news" makes my French shoulders shrug and my lips utter the very eloquent "meh" used by nerds to convey their most extreme feelings.

As much as I love fashion, this type of OMG newz really does not impact me. I am your average run of the mill psycho and I like my fashion news to be at my peasant level : tell me that Topshop is having an all male underwear fashion show in London, and I will act on it. You know : drool, call my girlfriends, google 'tickets to man in pants show London', buy tickets and GO!

At the moment the "proper" fashion blogosphere is apparently buzzing and feeding rumours about who is going to be the next editor. Do I give a hoot? No, all I want to know is how to get to the front row at my dude's catwalk show and if I should wear a trench coat so that I can flash at them and get one to fall off the catwalk. Meh.

Are you guys interested in what happens in the higher spheres of fashion? Do you follow the news regularly? Anyone else enjoying being an ignorant sexy fool ?:)

Dumbfully Yours,

Pimp My CPU! (How Geek Is Your Love)

noreply@blogger.com (Lady Noix de Coco) — Thu, 16 Dec 2010 17:31:00 +0000

Does anyone else's office / desk look like something out of one of Bill Gates's lesbian fantasy dream? Starring sparkly mouse, pink mousemat and kinky USB cable? Mine is on its way of looking like it...because not only do I just love buying crap but if it is sparkly and functional then I am in hardware love!

Question for my fellow bloggers : do you guys take your laptop when you travel?

I do and I have to.

Oh yes, whenever I go back home to France I know that after the first day of being pampered by my parents,the subsequent days are full of 'do this, do that', 'go visit and kiss your Auntie P. on her hairy chin' and 'you should eat more greens!'.
I am in my late 20's!!

So how geek is your love of fashion? =))

Geekily Yours,

Culture is like jam, the less we have the more we spread it.

noreply@blogger.com (Lady Noix de Coco) — Tue, 14 Dec 2010 14:31:00 +0000

Did I mention that when something startles me I have a habit of spitting my vanilla latte onto my laptop/co-worker/or back-to-the-coffe-cup? This morning, I had a hot chocolate. You'd think I was safe-ish. No. I created a masterpiece moustache on myself when I shoved the cup back on my face to prevent the spilling when i stumbled upon this Daily Mail piece. But I decided to keep the moustache for the purpose of writing a letter to the Daily Mail reporter, printing it off and artsily signing it with my chocolate moustache to channel Salvador Dali.

I am not a morning person. In the morning, all I want is a seat on the train, a coffee cup that does not explode in my pillow-marked face, and a good gossip read on my commute to work. So when I stumble upon pretentious crap like this:

"Filming in Manhattan, the actress appeared to be taking the concept of 'art as fashion' seriously, as her neutral tones and clever layering is most reminiscent of Picasso’s Cubism period."

"Cubism is a style of painting Picasso developed, using monochrome brownish and neutral colours. In this period, Picasso removed bright colours from his masterpieces, and rather chose monochromatic earth tones, so that structure could be the central focus."

"With her layered look, Blake's outfit has taken the concept and added a twist with an occasion splash of vivid hues"

I cannot help but whip my hair onto the poor b@stard sitting next to me.

Picasso?? Clever layering?? Blake Lively fashionable? Where in the name of the perfect cubeness that is the Rubik's cube did this journalist get their degree from? I find this type of article completely ridiculous -

especially when all I can see in the pictures is the latest collection from the Salvation Army modelled by a crash test dummy.

I seriously don't get why the media insist on shoving Ms Blahke Lively down our throats - but to add insult to the injury , or shall I say a poop stain to the dirty poncho, and actually compare her bin lady outfit to a Picasso is insane.

What do you guys think?Is this article ridiculous or am I missing the arty train?!

Abstractely Yours,

Rather Be Punched Than Wear A Poncho.

noreply@blogger.com (Lady Noix de Coco) — Fri, 10 Dec 2010 10:48:00 +0000

Have you ever heard the expression: "Cold enough to freeze the balls off a brass monkey"? Here in the UK we have reached that time of the year when it is cold enough to freeze the snot off the Ice Queen.
In fact, I have reached that time of the year when double socking, triple layering and granny pantying is actually the norm rather than the odd exception. Please do not repeat this to Gerry Buttler. Pleaaaaaaaase!

I am having a very crap time at the moment, trying to juggle my work trips, my trips to the boozer and my ego trips all in 24 hours time slots. I cannot believe that I have not been able to update the blog for the past week, and I think that this calls for a resignation letter to my job, followed by a search for a sugardaddy and a trip to get winosuctioned.

Anyway, talking about layering just reminded me of something that I hate beyond belief in the fashion world : glorified blankets e.g ponchos. Just look at this. Seriously, what justifies £120 for a grey carpet with a hole and £250 for the hippy cape of Superman's grandmother?! Yes, these are the prices from Topshop and allegedly the second one is the fruit of Katie Moss's imagination. Back on the ecstasy are we?!

I don't quite get the purpose of ponchos or their usability. To me, they are only fit for purpose if you have arms the size of the wings of a Boeing 747 and you cannot get them in a coat. Or if you want to look like a fashionable barrel. But that's just me. And I dont like a lot of things!

Any poncho lovers outthere? Haters welcome too!

Warmly Yours,

Suit Yourself ! (or Boob Yourself)

noreply@blogger.com (Lady Noix de Coco) — Fri, 03 Dec 2010 11:11:00 +0000

Sorry to all the blondies reading this, but whenever there is a TV/Cinema/book battle between a brunette and a blondie, I will always take side with the Dark side of the Force. Yes, I am part of the John Frieda Brilliant Brunette army: shampooed, conditioned and straightened (At an expensive price).

So it will come as no surprise to you when I say that Gossip Girl wise I HATE Serena Van Der Woodsen and that I LOVE Blair Waldorf . Yes, Blair makes Machiavelli look like a Care Bear planning a picnic, but she always looks so good when she is scheming her next fishing net for The Bass that she can get away with it. Serena on the other hand makes me think of a randy mermaid who has been given legs and cannot wait to get them out to hump anything that moves ( HANDS OFF NATE AND COLIN!!!) . She always looks likes she is dressing for the Shiny Meringue of The Year Award.

In fact, my girl crush/pet peeve extends to the actresses playing both characters. I think Leighton Meester looks fantastic and tends to make really fun choices with her clothes. Here she really rocks that suit that she wore at the IFP's 20th Annual Gotham Independent Film Awards in New York.

Blake Lively on the other hand is so hyped up, I think that this is what is making her boobs come out so often lately ( and seriously a US Vogue cover?). Whenever I see her on the red carpet, all I see is greased up hair and boobs/legs but no real style. She may be Boobs Legsly but she needs to cover that up properly. Fire your stylist!

What do you guys think? And by the way let me know whether you are blondes, brunettes or redhair! Who is in force? ;)

xoxo

Bitchy Girl,

I Winged It Mister Wang!

noreply@blogger.com (Lady Noix de Coco) — Mon, 29 Nov 2010 16:00:00 +0000

This weekend my boyfriend and I proudly resorted for the first time in 2010 to our winter catchphrase, which is meant to last until at least March 2011. What is it? Well, first of all, you need to be in a bakery/coffee shop/ restaurant. Secondly, you need to be ordering a bucket load of food and then you can look intently at one another and say very convincingly :" F*ck it! It's cold outside!"

After having stuffed our faces with various pastries and chocolate based products, we (I) decided to go to the shopping center because ~~I wanted to go shopping~~ f*ck it! It was cold outside!

Upon landing in River Island, I nabbed this leather handbag which reminded me of the Alexander Wang Rocco bag but £700 cheaper and much more lighter. Have you guys tried to carry the Rocco bag on your arm? I did, and I felt I was going to end up like Sally from the Nightmare Before Christmas : with stitched up limbs and a wallet needing stitching.

The bag is available at ASOS for £85.00 and here is how it looks on an awkward model.

I love this bag because it is big, soft and allows me to carry all my gossip mags plus all the extra crap I carry around without being too heavy. I also believe that I am able to carry this bag without looking too much like a shy duck on stilettos (dunno what's wrong with this lady above?!).

I like that it is not copying 100% the Wang bag and has its own little design going on. I have to say that despite being a huge fan of some designer bags, I will always be a high street girl (not in a dodgy way, eh). I even find that sometimes they outdo the original models they are based on ...

But do you think that high street copies/ derivatives are just bland copies and lack originality or that they are a democratic and creative way for you and me (poor buggers) to have access to the latest designs?

F*ck it! It's cold outside!

This Is Not A Christmas List...Just A Friendly Reminder To My Gift Buyers :)

noreply@blogger.com (Lady Noix de Coco) — Fri, 26 Nov 2010 10:44:00 +0000

Don't pull it too much love. You may not look so demure afterwards.

ASOS £35.00

I would totally shave my legs in the winter for these.

Vivienne Westwood SATC shoes £445.00

Who knew S&M could look so sweet?

Kurt Geiger Isadora £100.00

I usually despise gold looking things but I would totally lend Gerard for a month for this watch.

Juicy Couture £275

Gandalf The Grey was a a total trendsetter, wasn't he?

River Island £79.99 and ASOS £65

Have you guys got your list sorted for Jesus's birthday party?I am already running out of money and I haven't got anyone's presents yet. Not even mine. Bad Lady! I tend to buy everything at the last minute and i think that this year it is going to be at the last second.

Last year, most of my presents were gift vouchers or stuff I sublty hinted at ( * OMG I WANT THIS BAG FOR CHRISTMAS!!!* is what I would squeal whilst pointing at stuff in a shop). It suits me fine because I can redo my New Year's wardrobe without breaking the New Year's resolution of "stop spending money on crap". Banker, did you read this?! I am good with money, really!!

PS: I have ordered the ASOS dress to start of the purchasing madness. Good Lady!

Christmassily Yours,

The Stairway To Heaven Is Yours For £45.00

noreply@blogger.com (Lady Noix de Coco) — Wed, 24 Nov 2010 09:33:00 +0000

Oh dear. I was about to write a post about how I love tulip dresses and skirts when I stumbled upon this thing from Aqua @ ASOS.

First thing that popped in my mind? Happy Trail + Vagina Drapes. Seriously, this is one of the most unflattering dress I have seen in a long time : the combination of the garbage sack bustier and tablecloth skirt makes me think that this dress was designed by someone who was on house arrest for like 6 months. And by house arrest I mean kitchen arrest.

Does the outside world really need to see a path to your garden? I let you decide!

Homely Yours,

Fashion Fight Club : Mischief. Mayhem. Martinis.

noreply@blogger.com (Lady Noix de Coco) — Tue, 23 Nov 2010 09:20:00 +0000

Okay, first things first: this post is chronologically inaccurate. But it is timeless at the same time. And I am not trying to do some Dumbledore philosophy here - what I mean is that this has happened before my greek outing ( 'simple' is my antonym).
Secondly : if you want a tropical experience in London (quite the biggest meteorological oxymoron of the past millenium) do NOT go to Kanaloa club!!! Get stuck in the Underground with a Pina Colada,a ~~newspaper~~ fan and a hyperventilating dude (for the sea noises) and you are sorted.

ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRH! Just thinking about it makes me want to find the nearest Roberto Cavalli store and rip the leopard out of his tacky leggings.
Basically, a couple of weeks ago me and a friend went to this bar/club which is located in a nice-ish area of London. It is allegedly a 'cocktail' bar. But when you are in a cocktail bar and the waiter serves you a SeaSaltini (seriously her drink was like sour salt) instead of a Cosmopolitan,you know you are in the shit.

But anyway, we carried on drinking since my friend had vouchers worth so many drinks (and I was not the one who got served the Sourtini, sorry L. ;) ).

After the Crapotini disaster, we decided to order some wino - just because you cannot go wrong with a wino order. Unless you are 1) as deaf as a Russian lamppost (our waiter) 2) a waiter suffering from eye-bipolarism (our waiter) by taking TWO empty glasses, taking the order for ONE person and legging it without taking the second order. But that's nothing.

Friend: ' What Dim Sum have you got today?'
Lamppost: 'The kitchen shuts at 10pm.'
Friend: ' It's 9.15.'
Lamppost: 'ah yes ok.'
Friend: ' Sooo...what Dim Sum have you got today?'
Lamppost: 'It is on the menu.'
Friend: ' The menu says : 'Ask your waiter for the Dim Sum of the day'...'
Lamppost: 'Mmm I don't know I may have to check in the kitchen.'
Friend: *eyebrows raised*
Me: *eyebrows, shoulder, hair and pinky raised*
Friend: 'By the way, the cocktail you served me was not a Cosmopolitan.'
Lamppost (electric shock hitting the lighbulb): ' It is here.' *dimwit smile*
Friend :*eyebrows raised* 'Riggggggght.'
Me: *eyebrows, shoulder, hair and pinky raised* ' Whatevs. Turn the light back off.'
But that's nothing.

After a few drinks, a little dance,miming and hand clapping, we decided to get a final drink. Which was served and paid for. Let me add this : the club shuts at 3 and we got our order at around 2.20.

(see below for links)

2.22 : We get shoved out and manhandled by a mustachioed yeti bouncer (pretends he is a big boy but really is a red-assed baboon) whilst at the bar trying to sort out the tab. My friend still had her credit card outthere with the rude staff at the bar and in the end she decided that the service was so bad, that she asked for the service charge to be refunded : yep the waiter service was me and her rotating at the bar.

All this invoicing malarkey was done quietly by me and her within the operating hours of the club.

But we literally got pushed and grabbed by the shoulders by Chewbacca's albinos' brother all the while he mouthed off ' This is trespassing, get out!'. So picture the scene : two 8 stones (at the time I was *sigh*) girls, WANTING to get out of a God forsaken fake island (this is worst than an episode of LOST all right) and being nearly assaulted out of a club.

Well this does not end here : Boiled Egg dude pushed my friend so hard that she fell on the pavement. I helped her up whilst shoving my handbag in the bouncer's face. He just stood there laughing whilst my friend was actually hurt! I screamed in his face and used some tipsy legal advice on him. My double finger ring was also helping the whole finger-pointing scene.

Anyway, this place will hear from us, as we won't let this crap go. My friend has had her jeans ruined and I had my handbag soiled by some unknown booze from there. Compensation dammit!!!!!!!!

So guys, have you had a really bad club experience? Ever been manhandled by a monkey?!

Rings
Bags
Studded Shoes
Studded Shoes

Fighting For My Right to Party

It Is All Greek To Me!

noreply@blogger.com (Lady Noix de Coco) — Mon, 22 Nov 2010 14:17:00 +0000

This weekend I was in Athens. And no, it was not because I took my King Leonidas fantasy too far(though a King Leonidas blow up doll may have made its way back into the UK via someone's suitcase?*) but purely for cultural reasons. Hem, yes day one may have been slightly shopping-based but it was all for the research that will be incorporated in my new essay on 'Do's and Don'ts of Goddess Shopping' : hell yeah, Athena and Aphrodite did not get major status by shopping at the local market did they?

It was brilliant, and I got to get my toes out of their usual winter hideout (extra thick socks and boots) out into the Greek sunshine. Even toes need their dose of Vitamin D !

Anyway, I will post up some more cultural pics in a bit but here are some photos of things that made me smile :)

Lucifair ? What next? Belzebutt?

And the award for wierdest graffiti of the year goes to....The Gay Greek Man-Owl!

What does not kill you...makes you a fierce discounter!

Whilst in Athens, me and my friends got to enjoy sitting in a hot tub on the roof terrace of our hotel whilst staring at the Acropolis:

Yes this picture below was taken whilst my wobbly bum was sitting in a pool of water with lots of bubbles around it (none biologically caused by me)!

And now for some photos of the glorious Athens!

Apart from an incident involving chocolate ice cream, Euro bank notes, dodgy cousins and CCTV, the Greek we met were lovely and very helpful. We even got to be pelted with flowers at a restaurant/bar we checked out on Saturday. It turns out it is a Greek tradition (unless they totally took the mickey out of us tourists) and we got into a flower war! I was comparing this with a night out in London where it is more likely to be pelted with beer bottles than flowers...Someone gets me back there please!

* please note that this is a joke.

Florally Yours,

Phew!!! Woman Wears Dressing Gown, WW3 Is Averted !!!

noreply@blogger.com (Lady Noix de Coco) — Mon, 15 Nov 2010 21:28:00 +0000

When I take the train to a business meeting far far away, I have two options : look like a hard-working professional and fiddle my Blackberry until it files a claim for inappropriate touching ,or just be myself, totally ignore the Blackberry until it screams for attention (yes this Blackberry is a whore) and stuff my hungry face on the company whilst enriching my "contemporary culture" via gossip mags.

Well today, I grabbed a latte and a croissant, took the train, ended up with a bit of croissant in the middle of my front teeth (the closest to Lara Stone I will ever get to look like)and shook my head so hard in disbelief that I hair-bitch-slapped the guy sitting next to me.

The culprit? this article in LOOK Magazine:

OMG! Celebrities Can Smell Their Own Fart Too!

What in the name of Rocky Balboa's glorious dressing gown is this rubbish article? I am buying these mags in the hope that they may share some fashion tips, new hot buys to wear outside , not show me pictures of some autotuned Bratz dolls (yes, they are judging a singing contest and none of them can sing to save their fake ass off) doing a Mrs Doubtfire impression in their dressing gown.

The article itself was porridge inducing in its lameness. Apparently this is "taking off duty dressing to another level". Are you kidding me?! Am I supposed to be amazed by two women wearing a pink dressing gown? Taking off duty to another level would be going starkers whilst screaming "Thank God it's friday!" when you are leaving the office at the end of the week.

But the worse for me is that allegedly the star print dressing gown worn by Starry Bint (Cheryl Cole) is a BEST-SELLER!!

People really do behave like sheep. Actually, apologies to any sheep reading - people behave like lobotomised sheep. And I don't get it at ALL. Anyone care to explain what is so great about a dressing gown that has been worn by a judge on a crappy panel show?!

Wolverinely Yours,

Home Alone : The Retired Years

noreply@blogger.com (Lady Noix de Coco) — Fri, 12 Nov 2010 18:23:00 +0000

A 79 years-old woman, who is accidentally left behind whilst her favorite cat flies to Cuba for Christmas, has to defend her home against idiotic burglars. The plan is to scare the shit out of the two guys - and what is scarier than a 79 years old doing a Demi Moore whilst wearing her 1945 Spanx and her curtains around her varicose legs? Had she gone to River Island to buy her outfit, she would not have had to use rohypnol on her least favorite cat in order to use it to rip the curtains.

Kids, don't do this at home.

Puritanely Yours,

Clutching At Sexy Cocktail Straws

noreply@blogger.com (Lady Noix de Coco) — Thu, 11 Nov 2010 20:41:00 +0000

In the Pantheon of the Most Useless Fashion Accessories, it is an established fact that clutches sit quite high up there. They are tiny, cannot hold the full truck load of war paint that most of us need on a night out, and they tend to end up on the floor during the ritual of the Handbag Dance Circle (yeah you know what I am talking about). However, I bloody love clutches! They are a great way of jazzing up that crap plain dress you got out of the laundry bag because you could not be bothered to dress up (yeah you know what I am talking about,........right?!).

I found myself lusting after a few lovely little clutches from Accessorize recently and the reason I love the following cuties so much is that in my opinion they will age well and are suitable for all sorts of events (just like me). And they are affordable - there is no way on earth that I would 'invest' tons of cash on something that purely serves as a booze treasury holder /party idiot basher /first cosmetic aid kit.

£32.00

£35.00

£32.00

£35.00

Do you guys tend to stick to one-clutch-for-all-events or have multiple clutches for all your party needs? As far as I am concerned I am polygamous when it comes to bags. The more, the merrier!

Polygamously Yours,