Fat, broke, and depressed

Blog moved!

2011-02-24T10:46:00.002-06:00

Head on over to www.Theopaulson.com for my updated blog life.

Change is a foot... or a new blog

2010-05-27T11:58:00.001-05:00

I am all about resurrection.

So I found my old blog address (yes, I can remember old passwords) and decided to switch this blog over there. I feel like I have found a new voice, a new place, and a new direction. So I am choosing honesty. But switching blog names I feel like I am taking that next step to revealing the whole me to the whole world. I like to hide. It helps shield me from hurts, pains, anxiety, etc.But it also shields me from community, peace, and redemption.

So old blog become new! So go ahead and add my redeemed twitter @theopaulson and come on over to the new blog for fun and some new ventures.

Finding my voice

2010-05-27T09:39:00.002-05:00

This blog has always been about finding my voice. Finding the real me amidst the noise of depression, fear, anxiety, weight issues, and debt. Well, I have found a very weak path. One that is not well worn. Dimly lit, if lit at all. I am parked at the trail head, I have scoped out the entrance and barely put my foot on the path.

I thought this blog would be a 2-3 year process for me of getting out debt, getting my weight down, and finding hope and joy again. Well, let's just say I feel better, I have some savings, and I haven't gained weight yet this year... so working on it.

BUT, I have found a new lease on life and I want to walk past the negativity that this part of my life has brought. I want to look backwards and see the great land of change I have had in my life this past year (and past 6 years really) and begin taking day by day towards my new future.

So, I am setting up my old blog. Resurrecting it really. The hope is that I sling my pack on and start heading down the trail with a bit of gusto.

Despair, for me, comes when the future seems so far ahead and the past so daunting.

My counselor has encouraged me to sit and reflect on my past. On the great amount of change I have had just this past year. A real breakthrough to be honest. This blog was meant to live in the moment and to find out where I went. Well, I think I found the old me and its time to let him out. To live again. So my new blog will be focusing on my reflections of the past, my musings, theories, and ideas about the future, and personal life.

The PF blogs changed my life and helped me find freedom. So I thank you awesome people. I wanted to change my blog so as to put myself in a broader context now. We shall see if I get any readers (I might let my mom know my blog address now), but I know this. I am free again. Barely. But free again.

Thanks!
Ted Paulson
tedpaulson.blogspot.com coming soon.

Life

2010-05-18T15:22:00.002-05:00

We got the call. You know the kind. The kind you dread and never want.

My wife picks up the phone... "We are taking your mom to the hospital".

My mother in law was admitted to the hospital last week. My wife and I drove the kids to my parents house and then went south to the hospital.

You see, my mother-in-law has never been sick. Maybe a cold here or there, but nothing more than that. The only times she has been in the hospital was for the birth of her children.

And the news was not great. Her body was attacking itself. The doctors did not know what was wrong. And my wife and I caught on that the doctors and nurses thought it could be something really bad.

Then something great happened: The diagnosis.

The truth brought such relief. A simple blood auto-immune disease. Treatable. Scary. But on the level of scary- more like bad teen horror movie scary.

Life is precious and there are so many times where we take it for granted or just get misguided in our attempts to live. We cling to things that don't matter, even with great intentions.

My mother in-law should be fine in a few weeks. A little bed rest, some slow recovery, and she will be back to her peppy self.

My wife and I, yeah, breathing a sigh of relief. We hugged our kids a bit tighter when we saw them again and drove a little more quietly home.

Daunting...

2010-05-07T15:03:00.002-05:00

So I went to the library yesterday.

It is part of my road to my doctorate. I went to begin studying Sociology journals in hopes of understanding the conversation of scholars and, in a sense, find my own voice and direction.

It was incredibly frightening to me and I found excuses not to go until yesterday. My wife and I are trying to face the fears in our life to quit letting small little buggy things get in the way of realizing our dreams.

There is a large Community College nearby us with a very large library. Its really nice and a great place to go and get some quiet. And they have 2-3 journals I want to read.

I don't know how many of you read academic journals for fun, but it is pretty scary to open them up. I was just hoping I could understand them without getting bored.

Well, good news. Not only could I understand them, it was fun! Yes fun. Homework is great when you do it because you want to. I learned a lot in a few hours time. And I loved it.

I left inspired. I know I am on the right track, but I feel so daunted. A lot has to happen between now and whenever I apply. A ton of doors need to be opened that I have no control over. And my counselor says I love to be in control. I can work hard, do everything right, and still not get accepted. Still be stopped from doing what I want and would love to do.

But this whole blog has been a re-awakening experience for me. A way to get my thoughts on "paper" and test them outside of myself. Thoughts on finance, weight, depression, stress, and poverty issues. Phew. I have seen myself change way more rapidly then I had ever imagined. Yet, I still feel like the tasks I have ahead of me are daunting and frankly, scary.

Welp, too bad cruel anxiety weirdness holding me back. I am moving forward, hoping to see the light amidst the cracked darkness.

Peace

The art of Fear!

2010-05-05T22:40:00.002-05:00

Fear has a wonderful place in society. Just kidding.

A healthy fear is grand. Yet, so much of media and our own lives are fueled by fear. Fear of failure (thats a biggie for me. Fear of the unknown. Fear of our own mortality. Fear, fear, fear.

I do not want to be ruled by fear. Depression can lend itself to fear. Because depression has such a darkness, that once you start to see some light, you do not want to open a door that plunges you into darkness.

I like to be safe. But I get bored easily. So the safer I stay, the more bored I become. And a little of me dies inside. So time for some resurrection. Release the fear. Face the fear. Whatever it is you are supposed to do about fear. Run. Punch it in the face. Whatev. Peace out fear.

Managing Expectations

2010-05-02T14:38:00.001-05:00

Life and business is about managing expectations.

Did I sum up life a bit too much? While, anyways.

Expectations can hamper and hinder growth. When we expect above and beyond what we will receive we will leave disappointed. The first time I ate at inn n out burger, I left disappointed. Yes, the burgers were good but they were not the greatest burgers in the history of the world according to all my socal friends.

I am at a crossroads right now. I can see the future again. We have a day where we will be out of debt. I know what career I want to pursue once I am mentally ready. So now! I wait.

I have huge expectations for my future. But I need to spend reflecting on the past. Thanking God for the change I have seen in my life.

So now, expectations need to be managed. So that I can focus on today, thank God for the past, and discover tomorrow. Not 10 years from now. Tomorrow.

Reducing debt is a long road. I am thanking God today that we have met our budget each month the past three months. Wheoo!!!

My ultra-frugal father in law

2010-05-01T17:33:00.001-05:00

Yes, my father in law is frugal. Like, scrape the mold of the top of the jelly and dig in frugal.

He definitely lets it mellow.

He is one of the few people I know that willingly hand washes every dish in order to save money on water. Which means he spends nearly 5 hours a day during family get togethers washing dishes. We actually make him put the dishes in the dishwasher in our house :)

What gets me is I change my habits when he is around. Not because I want to be as frugal as him (nope). It is because he is also a frugal evangelist. Yes, he makes comments like "you can turn off the light, I don't need it" Umm... I just do what I know he will comment on to save me the trouble.

He also drives between 64 and 66 miles an hour on the expressway (in a 70 mile an hour zone mind you). He used to drive 55 only.

He never starts the car until he knows exactly where we are going and that everyone is ready. And he never puts on the a/c unless he is sweating bullets. He actually will open the car doors to let the heat of the car on a warm day before he starts the car. Uses less gas to cool down the car.

I am fine with him being uber frugal. Its kind of funny most of the time. I am sure he has saved thousands of dollars in his lifetime. He may actually have saved nearly $100,000 with his extreme frugality. I like my freedom. I like lights.

I am not a light hog by any means. But my father in law will sit in the dark 24-7. I should buy him some candles. He turns off the light when eating dinner (no need he says). I like to see my food.

What bugs me is when someone feels like their way is the best way and we should all follow it. Its fine to have a debate, to discuss differences, to vehemently defend your position, but don't force it on me.

One of the funny things I switched up while he was here- I did not put my garage door down every time I came home. If there was even a small threat of opening the garage door again within the next 5 hours, I left it up! If I did put it down, he would say "no need to put the garage door up and down all day, just leave it up".

He also asks me most meals if I am going to finish up my kids food. Ummm... I don't like kid chewed food. He does though. God bless him.

It actually took us 2 years to make a rule he had to use the dishwasher. I think he secretly hates it. But I like my dishes washed in a dishwasher. It gives me a sense of peace.

I love my father-in-law. He is beyond gracious. He really comes out of his shell with my fam and is hilarious. He literally works on projects every second he is here. He vacuumed our whole house, swept our garage, rearranged our attic, helped put new handles on our kitchen cabinets, bought us new chairs and brought a kitchen table across 6 states to give it to us, etc. They bought us meals out because they know we rarely eat out. He is awesome. But I wish he would leave his frugal evangelism at home. Its buggy sometimes. I actually go through our whole fridge before he comes and throw away any old food. I just don't want to knock him off with some rotten food on accident.

To my ultra-frugal father-in-law. While you drive 64 down the Indiana freeway, I will salute you by turning on the lights and closing my garage door! Cheers!

The regional manager crisis!

2010-04-30T11:58:00.000-05:00

I love starbucks. I work from there probably once every other week.

Starbucks is set up like a lot of chain restaurants and businesses. They have their baristas, shift supervisors, asst. managers, store managers, regional managers, district managers, and then...

The use of regional managers in chain businesses can be hit or miss. It adds another layer of supervision and accountability in a larger organization. But it adds a troubled mix of communication.

The regional manager is in charge of oversight of a couple of stores. They are supervised either by a district manager or a corporate executive. The executives make decisions, put policy in place, come up with sales strategies, and brand management.

There are a lot of ways to evaluate a store. Profitability, growth, potential, etc. From a pure numbers standpoint, regional managers can seriously hinder a local store. A regional manger shows his supervisor the numbers (yeah for spreadsheets). The supervisor says, get your stores to sell more (fill in the blank) to increase profits.

Regional manager tells general manager the same who tells asst. manager, who tells front line employee to sell more (fill in the blank).

They try to sell. And the numbers flow back up. Quarterly review is up and store did not meet regional manager's supervisor's expectations.

Do you see where I am going? A regional manager adds a layer of salary and their validity is based on numbers of a set of stores. If the stores under perform the regional manager's job is on the line. Who then pressures the store manager, who pressures the front line low wage employee. Phew!

The problem is the original message, sales strategy, and sales projection is passed down through a filter. The store manager and front line employee has very little say in the process. A great idea in a corporate boardroom may be a horrible idea to a store manager. The store manager does not have the tools to implement the plan or it is a really bad plan.

Take via instant starbucks coffee. A great product.

If I walk into the starbucks looking for a cup of joe, why would I want to buy via? I am there to buy a warm cup of coffee or handcrafted beverage. Not instant coffee. Yet, the barista is charged to sell more via to increase the profitability of the store. The barista is charge with developing the face-to-face day-to-day most important relationship. They are not going to upsell a regular with a product the regular (whom they may know intimately) does not want nor need.

So the numbers come up and the quarterly review says this store undersold their projections they had no say in and did not feel was the best way to increase profits.. phew.

Again. Too many steps in a corporation between decision makers and implementation with too little two-way communication yields lower productivity.

Any franchising/chain company rolling out a lot of regional managers need to rethink their process. Regional managers are expensive. If they took a regional managers salary and gave the store manager a bit more plus a percentage of sales- you might find super highly productive store managers who increase profitability. If the store manager is waiting for the next memo from corporate to understand what they are supposed to do, it decreases the brand and message to the customer.

The same thing with nationwide promotions. Like free cup of coffee if you bring in a reusable cup to starbucks day. Horrible idea. It is devaluing your brand and bringing in one time customers who will not become starbucks regulars. And it unnecessarily stresses out the employees while devaluing the starbucks experience. Phew. Again.

Figure out what your message is. Cut down communicating to ensure each employee, especially the face-to-face front line employees, understand your story, message, and brand. Then give decision making abilities to those in position to enact change quickly. A neighborhood store has a huge ability to change! Yet, a corporate run business may severely limit that ability. It does provide consistency (that is part of why I love starbucks, they are the same everywhere) in product. BUT limits profitability in the long run.

Regional managers cause an undue level of sales pressure at to great of a salary cost. Give greater responsibility (and higher pay) to local managers and communicate directly with decision makers. That increases investment in the company, increases quality of managers, and increases the amount of solid communication that hits the frontline employee.

What if every chain style business had an MBA requirement for store managers? And pay to match? Do you think the profitability and viability of your company would increase?

Free to converse

2010-04-28T22:02:00.000-05:00

I want to be free in conversations. To say what I want without worrying.

So much of my past 5 years has been speaking only when I feel like it will matter. Avoiding conversations that will either be to hard or that differ from my opinions.

I realized that this swallows me up whole. Separates my thoughts and emotions. And leaves me dead.

On the flipside, now that I am allowing my mind and my emotions to connect, I have so much trouble holding back. I can't. If I am grumpy, yup, it shows.

This is the hardest when I have to be entertaining or spending a long chunk of time with someone. Usually, I spend a few minutes talking with this person, maybe a 45 minute lunch there, a bit longer in a group. Just enough to where I can escape before it gets to hard.

But then the wonderful in-laws come over. And I am worn out. I can take bits and pieces of my emotions and my head being connected, but a few days? It is hard. I lose control. I step into chaos. And still- they love me.

My wife is so understanding. But yet, I feel badly. I am harder to be around. Difficult to understand.

So I just want to be free. Free to converse. Free to feel. Free to say what is on my mind and feel what is in my heart. To not be afraid to say, hey I am grumpy help! Hey I am anxious help! And to not be afraid to share my opinions and thoughts. I am sick of suppressing my passions only to feel them die away. I must step into the chaos and speak my mind.

well... I will filter it some. Just enough to keep me out of serious trouble :) But not enough to hinder me.

Invest in me!

2010-04-27T19:44:00.002-05:00

I have always wondered if I could solicit personal investments.

In about 2-3 years, I hope to be back in school getting my doctorate in Sociology. There are some pieces that have to fall in place before that happens. The biggest one is the cash money. We are slowly getting out of debt (in about 30 months we will be debt free). After getting out of debt, we could live off of less. But I hate putting my wife in the spot to be the sole provider. It is a ton of pressure.

But we still need a good chunk of cash each year in order to live. I don't really want to take out student loans whatsoever. So I thought... hmmm... maybe someone out there has lots of cash, and really believes in what I want to do with my life. Hmmm. And would be willing to give me some of that!

Reminds me of my favorite country song- People are crazy by Billy Currington. Where he hits up a bar one night, strikes up a conversation with an old dude, who ends up kicking the bucket and leaving his cash to the singer! I need an old dude who believes in me and what I want to do with my life. Only he doesn't die... okay analogy broke down!

I used to work at a non-profit where we had to raise money. It was amazing to watch people fork over their hard earned money because they believed in what we did. Lots of people give money to individuals. I have a friend doing language work and bible translation in a village in Ethiopa. I have a friend doing college ministry out east. They each live off of the generosity of individuals and churches that believe in them and in what they do.

So what if I started to raise my own scholarship fund? The TP scholarship for the betterment of the world. Or some cool catchy thing like that. Start a website/blog, solicit donations, apply for scholarships, etc. Find people who are passionate about helping the disenfranchised and believe in me enough to pass some moola my way.

Is that such a stretch? I look at all the money we waste in a day. On too many lattes, cars we don't need, that fancy new techno whatsit, etc etc. What we really need is more competent people in the world fighting for justice and seeking peace.

Is it such a stretch? All I really need is one multi gajjiolionare who has some extra cashola. For $200,000 you could literally change the course of my life and (hopefully) affect millions more through me. Or could I find 200,000 people who would give me one dollar? Hmmm. Did you know that millions of people across the world live on one dollar a day? Well, I want to help them. So all I need is 200,000 people to give me one dollar. Brochure and bumper sticker slogan made.

Just think of the affect it could have on me. Every time I feel like giving up or selling out, I think of 200,000 people who gave me a dollar to fight for the poor. Or I think of the one rich dude who's dying wish was for me to go and get my doctorate and fight for the oppressed.

It is not such a stretch. The next time you go to buy a luxury item for yourself or your family. Buy something a few dollars less. Maybe take an inch off that tv or year off that car and send the difference to someone who needs it. To organization that rocks (or me!) or someone who is working hard to get out of debt. For a few bucks, you could change lives.

Billy Currington- People are crazy

Then one sunny day, I saw the old mans face
Front page obituary, he was a millionaree
He left his fortune to, some guy he barely knew
His kids were mad as hell, but me, Im doing well
And I dropped by today, to just say thanks and pray
And I left a six-pack right there on his grave
And i said, God is great, beer is good, and people are crazy

Anxiety check up

2010-04-26T10:01:00.000-05:00

I have anxiety.

In which I take no enjoyment.

I love to be in control of everything.

I get anxious when I am not in control.

I need to let go of control.

And step into chaos.

Conservatively Liberal and Liberally Conservative

2010-04-25T16:12:00.001-05:00

These political definitions we have leave me wanting more.

I come from the Evangelical Christian background (don't run just yet). It means, most people I roll with love your neighborhood republican with conservative family values.

The problem that I have is most Conservative folks tend to disregard legislation for the poor as liberal. They make liberal a swear word really. Yet, most Evangelical Christian Republicans take the bible literally. Well, what about these passages?

Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world.
James 1:27

and my favorite

He has showed you, O man, what is good.
And what does the LORD require of you?
To act justly and to love mercy
and to walk humbly with your God.
Micah 6:8

In these verse (and all over the bible) God cares a lot about using the power that we have to care for the poor, the widow, the orphan, and the foreigner**.

So I struggle with the Christian right's view of the world. That the morality and ethics of the individual trumps the need for the greater society. So many spew hate towards homosexuals and towards political figures that want to help the poor. I have heard folks that I thought were deep Christians talk jokingly about assassinating Obama. Seriously? So the fact that the Christian right likes to call themselves the moral majority or something like that, is a huge irony. Jesus did not hate, he cared and had compassion.

Some examples that I need to find some better statistics for but are my impression. More money is spent by Christians for legislation on abortion than education for the poor. More is spent on legislating and campaigning on issues surrounding homosexuality than unemployment.

Most Christians give (and almost all churches) to social service organizations geared towards helping the poor. But few Christians sacrifice in order to help the widow, the orphan, and the poor.

If abortion is your key issue, why not befriend young scared pregnant women? Give them whatever they need to care for their unborn child and then adopt that child. It is easier to hold a sign of protest then enmesh yourself with your neighbor in need.

Appalled by the amount of crime in the inner city? Upset by the numbers of people on welfare and other government run programs? Make sure that the kid in the projects has as much, if not more, educational opportunities as your kid does.

You see, true Christianity cares for the disenfranchised. They stand in the gap to insure they have all the basic rights of a human. If Christians put more of their effort, time, passion, money, and energy towards equal opportunities for each child born in the US, we might actually get somewhere. I feel like the devil desires us to spend energy and time on moral issues when we miss out on actually having true community and a much more peaceful and harmonious society.

Maybe it has to do with our love of money, or our prejudice, or maybe just the fact that it is much harder to care for the poor than to spew hate. All I know is it is sin.

Yes, every person should work for their food. But I fear that our conservative values and conservative political leanings take away the ability of the poor, the widow, and the orphan to get work, get food, and get ahead.

That is why I call myself conservatively liberal and liberally conservative. I am a mutt with no home when it comes to finances and economic principles. In some senses I am more conservative than my Christian brethren, because I desire to see systemic and societal sin attacked with the same passion as my Christian friends attack the values of others.

**note: I use the word foreigner not as a derogatory word but one that means from a foreign land. It can also be applied towards anyone from 'outside' or 'foreign' to our community. The word used in the bible takes a very micro approach and an extreme macro approach.

Poverty in America

2010-04-23T10:14:00.000-05:00

I have heard a lot of talk these days about the economy, the recession, and capitalism.

I live in a wealthy, mainly white, suburb of Chicago. If you remove the poorest towns from the statistics, the average income is $100,000. It is also a very conservative, republican leaning county. A county in which capitalism is alive and well, ummm mostly.

I have heard a common phrase in my county that makes me want to puke. "I choose not to be a part of the recession." Followed by the rich old white guy laugh.

The problem is we live in a tiered economy. With a very thick dividing line between those that can live, create wealth, create jobs, etc and those that are unable. Did you know that the number one indicator of socioeconomic status is birth? Those that are born poor tend to be poor. Those that are born wealthy tend to be wealthy. Yes, there are those stories (The pursuit of Happyness is one of my favorites) of the rags to riches tale. But in reality, it is more of a myth. A few folks make it from rags to riches, the vast majority do not.

So when someone says that they choose not to take part in the recession- all I hear is "I do not care".

We see poverty as a morality issue instead of an economic system issue. Yes, capitalism is a fantastic system. It allows anyone to create wealth, create jobs, and support their family. BUT, there are way too many folks in our country who are unable to jump into the economic system. Those who are born poor are actually born into a closed system. Economic and educational opportunities are scarce. The less opportunities the less incentives. A man can work hard his whole life and still live below the poverty line.

So what is the answer? How do we create a true looped system where that vast majority of Americans have the same (or nearly the same) economic and educational opportunities? Where every child born in the US has nearly the same statistics for creating wealth?

The first barrier is ignorance. The same folks who say they are recession proof are the same that would vote against providing school lunches for at-risk kids in schools. The same who blame the plight of at-risk kids in America on drugs. Ludicrous. Racist. Ignorant.

Opportunities are created through a system that allows each individual basic freedoms, rights, and responsibilities. But we debate the basic rights in open politics as if they were bargaining chips for more votes. Health care should be a basic human right. How we pay for it and how it works is debatable. In our country, we lift up freedom and responsibility above basic rights. Every child born in the US should have food, clothing, shelter, health care, and wonderful educational opportunities. If we cared for each kid in this way, we would more than reap the long term benefits in taxes owed over their lives. The educational system in the US creates a caste system and closed economic system. The differences between elementary schools from one county to the next is appalling.

It takes a long term view (beyond a 4 or 8 year term) to create opportunities and to increase our ability to meet certain basic human rights. The right to live, the right to work, the right to education, and the right to be free.

We should never destroy a kid's future because of a political debate.

And yes, it does take more money to create more opportunities.

What if we took all the bailout money and put it in schools instead?

What if we took 25% of the money from the war on terror and put it into schools?

What if we took 20% of all the funds used for private jets, massive security details, fancy offices, and perks for elected officials and put it into schools?

What if each member of the house and senate took a 10% pay cut and put it into schools?

My guess is in 20-30 years we would have a completely balanced budget with an overflow in our coffers. Just think if we took 50% of those below the poverty line and raised them into the middle class. The taxes brought in versus the welfare payout would be astounding!

Our choices that we make in the political realm impact generations of kids. My greatest fear is that we will lose 2-3 generations of kids due to lack of foresight. A lack of true caring.

Changing Faith

2010-04-21T13:08:00.000-05:00

I love to take some time to ponder how my view of God has changed.

I have had a whirlwind of a life since coming to know Christ. I was a sophomore in high school. Depressed and not knowing it. Friendless and lonely yet always surrounded by people.

My first glimpses of God were of forgiveness and love.

During the past few years of depression, I have found God to be quiet. Not gone or silent, but quiet. Like He is always there. I feel his presence.

On the days when I felt like a failure, he was still there.

When I felt the most anxious. He was still there.

Now, as I am opening doors of past and seeking healing and truth. I find him ready to plunge into my inmost feelings and hurts. Like he was sitting, there, by the door, waiting for me to gently open it.

It took years of being beaten down by bosses. An, at times, confusing marriage. My own failures at being a father. And the loss of people I thought were my friends. To finally, gently, begin opening the unknown doors to God.

So my faith has changed. Yet it hasn't. I have never doubted God's existence since I came to know Christ. But I have doubted that has a path for my life. Yet every kernel of truth. Every notion of a calling. Is coming true every single day. The more I uncover the parts of my life I have never dealt with. The more I feel God being present. And His voice becomes clearer.

Hopefully soon, I can delve back into the bible. I have found it hard to open for about two years. I don't really know why. It just is hard.

So I head out today hoping to open another door. Hoping to allow God to delve into the deepest parts of my soul. The parts I unknowingly kept him out of.

My faith may be changing. But God is always the same. And for that, I am grateful.

Seeking Peace

2010-04-20T13:02:00.002-05:00

I so desire peace.

I barely have a restful night or a calm day. My anxiety, after lots of time spent with my counselor and working on my soul... is still there. It is just under the surface now, lurking. So I lack peace.

I crave quiet. Because I believe in it I will find peace.

But in reality, only chaos will bring me peace. I have to dive deep into my hurts, wounds, pains, anger, sadness, and general myth of my inside thoughts and emotions. To truly find peace will be to connect my emotions with my brain. To allow emotions to hit my lips unfiltered by my overactive brain. To truly feel.

To feel loved.

To feel sadness.

To feel joy.

To feel the bonds of friendship.

It is exhausting. I could sleep 12-20 hours a day. Because every waking moment I am fighting against turning my emotions off. I am fighting against going blank in my mind. I know that if I walk down certain paths with my brain or my actions- I will find quiet. But I will not find peace.

Peace can only be truly felt after the storm.

I can remember as a child, walking outside after a big summer thunderstorm. When the clouds are finally rolling past and the sun is finally shining bright again. That is the peace I need. But it only will come after I wait out the storm.

Into chaos I venture in hopes of peace.

On the road to a Doctorate...Library Access

2010-04-14T10:29:00.000-05:00

I need books.

I love books.

Well, I had a head slap moment today. I realized the local community college (COD, one of the best in the US actually) has a huge library with community access. Free wi-fi, I can check out books, and great hours. I just need to set aside a bit of time each week to go and find the books I need to get on this doctorate road. I was thinking of using my alma matter, but the library there is a bit smallish and I can't check anything out. At the COD library, wheoo I can.

Any other ideas out there? I do not have enough cash money to buy any books. I have heard of book borrowing services and book swaps. Mostly, I purchase books from abebooks.com as they have 1.00 used books.

I have found that the path to my Doctorate has a lot of markings along the way I need to get healthy.

Our debt free day.

A path of mental health that is necessary to take on the rigors of school.

A mark of faith that it will only be possible for me to go by God's grace and His hand.

A measure of physical health that I want to be more presentable and confident.

A finish line that starts the rest of my life.

So I raise my glass to hope and to a long journey. I think I might start this journey by spending one morning a week at the library.

Cheers!

Weight update redux

2010-04-13T10:33:00.000-05:00

I realized that I have been super down about my weight. I am not huge by any means. In fact, my doctor mentioned nothing about my weight when I had my physical. He is of the mind that the young can fluctuate as long as all other indicators are healthy. I like my doctor.

I had an AHA moment this week. I have not gained any weight this year for the first time in 5 years. I have only gained weight since getting married. A few years I gained just a few pounds. But this year I have lost weight. That in itself is a reason to celebrate. Sure, I am 40 pounds off my ideal weight. BUT I am not 50 pounds away... In a long journey, I find it hard to celebrate the small moments. I really need to celebrate those moments with vigor.

On the road to a Doctorate...

2010-04-12T19:29:00.002-05:00

I am starting a new part of the blog.

I know most branding agencies tell you to focus in on one thing and do it really well. I always preferred the shotgun when hunting.

So here is this new area of the blog. I want to be a professor. To be a professor means I need to get a masters and start working on a doctorate.

The new part of my blog: On the road to a doctorate. Where I will update you on my quest. Hopefully with some wit and humor.

I began to peruse some different schools in the Chicagoland area to see where I would want to apply. And I found it. I found the one I want! University of Chicago has a PhD in Sociology that sounds fantastic. I then started to research UofC and found out they had the first Sociology department and they pretty much rock it in the world of Sociology. Hah.

Yeah, setting my sights up high eh?

So how am I going to get there? How can I get into this prestigious school? I don't just want to get in either. I want to get a fellowship. That means, free tuition, health insurance, teaching opportunities, and a good sized stipend.

So not only do I want to get into this prestigious school, I also want them to pay me to go there. Setting my sights pretty high. But, for some reason, I just feel like this is what God has in store for me.

Step one: Get out of debt. I can't go to school without being debt free. It is to much risk. We will need to hunker down our expenses for three years. Yes, three years of me working part time and my wife supporting us. She is a saint.

Step two: Learn everything I can about Sociology. I have a reading list. I am going to go to the local college library when I have time and read. Just soak it all in. Understand the conversations, terms, everything. Teach myself sociology 101-401.

Step three: Get a mentor. I have one in mind already. He gave me some liquid awesome advice and encouragement on the phone. Hopefully, I can meet with him regularly to get on track with what I need to know and who I need to become.

Step four: Write a research paper worthy of UofC. Yes, I like to write research papers in my spare time. Part of the entrance application is to write a paper that is publishable. Well, lets see how that goes! I want to start this paper next November during our slow season at work. That will give me a whole year to finish.

Step Five: Apply before the December 10th, 2011 deadline for the 2012-2013 school year. A shade under two years. That means a lot of luck and God moments need to happen between now and then. If I miss that deadline, I can wait another year no problem. But I get the sneaky suspicion that would be the year. Yet, I start to shake because that is far off and not far enough.

I am left with a lot of questions. Any good quest has a lot of sacrifices.

Wish me luck and pray for me.

I dreamed a dream...

2010-04-10T09:24:00.000-05:00

I wrote a post earlier about how dreaming is linked to my health. (here)

My counselor asked me yesterday what my dreams were. And I got really excited.

You see, I have always wanted to be a part of something big. I don't need or want notoriety per se, but to die knowing I contributed to society. That is part of why I was a youth pastor for many years and why I help with the college group at my church right now. I just want to be around in case I can do something to help.

This leads me to my current dream. I think I want to be a professor.

A professor? Yeah dummy head that's what I said!! (still working on that anger issue)

A professor. I am a weird dude. I am an introverted extrovert who could read books all day but really loves to hang out with people and talk. I love to teach, write, read, and engage people.

But this professor thing is surprising me a bit. Mainly because I am afraid. Afraid of failing. Afraid of my next job proving I am not good enough. Afraid I wont be healthy enough to pursue it.

You see my job now is safe. Very safe. It is a family company. I am good at it. It is pretty simple. Put in the hours = see results. Some days are really busy, others are quite slow. So I can take the time to work on myself. Get better. Get healthy. And still earn a good living allowing us to pay off debt and get on to something else.

My worst fear right now is that I will still be in this job 20 years from now.

I recognize that lots of people around the world would kill for my job. I get a great income. I work in a good company with great customers. But its not me. But because of the craziness of the past few years and the epic crashing of my life around me (and hopefully the subsequent healing) I am at a standstill. I need the job to get healthy but I do not want the job long term.

I feel stuck.

God may be allowing me to dream again (I say maybe because I am scared... scared of this being real before I am ready. Scared of it not being real and wasting my time). He may be allowing me a glimpse into my future to keep me going, find the energy to heal, and the grace to know that I am valuable.

So professor of what!?? Who knows. I think I want to pursue a masters in sociology and see where I can go from there. You see, I care a lot about the disenfranchised. About people who are pushed out of the system and unable to get back. The single moms with barely a high school education. The child of immigrants who is looked down about by teachers and peers due solely to the fact that his parents moved here. The unemployed man who is willing and able to work. I want to enact change in the systems we have in our country and help folks get back on their feet.

Why a professor? I think a professor has a unique position to teach the next generation, study and write adding to the conversation, and take time to help different organizations and groups in a powerful way. Almost like a cheap consultant who doesn't get paid much. Yippee!!!

But how do we get there? I need:
1. Money for grad school
2. Time to get through school
3. Enough experience and luck to land a teaching job.
4. To get healthy.

I am most worried about the time factor. I can get money together as long as nothing crazy happens. But can I quit my job at some time and jump out to school full time in order to make it happen? Or will I need to slowly meander through grad school for a few years working really hard to make it happen? Who knows. If anyone wins the lottery and wants to share, let me know!

Thank for listening to my dreams.

Working from home: a love hate relationship

2010-04-07T14:54:00.000-05:00

I love and hate working from home.

I have a sales job where I had the option to live within my territory instead of the office. Which I gladly took as it meant we did not have to relocate.

So my office is three feet from my bed. A little inconvenient at times (except when a mid-day nap is in order).

The benefits of working from home:
- I get to make my kiddos breakfast and even have lunch with the fam regularly.
- I work in my pajamas about 25% of the time
- My boss is a 3.5 hour drive away so if I take a break in the day, nobody cares.
- I can take my daughter outside to ride her bike once in a while.
- I have no commute whatsoever. (I have some friends who commute 1.5+ hours each way)
- When my wife needs help, I am there.
- I set my own schedule allowing me to work on what I need to and not lose the time at work spent making my self look busy. If there is no work today, I don't work.
-My work involves enough travel to get me out of the house enough.
- Side jobs are a bit easier when you work from home. I blog, help with the wifey's photography biz, and do some occasional speaking. I can manage most of it during the day time without a loss of work productivity.
- I get to push my company to develop their technology side more so I can work fast, be more productive, and sell more from my home computer.
- No meetings!
- Saving money by making my own lunch, coffee, breakfast etc is great.
- The ability to get some things done at night freeing up some extra time in the day to spend with the kiddos.

The disadvantages:
- When my wife needs help, I am there. I tend to feel the emotions that my wife and kids go through throughout the day. Where, if I was at work, I would not know anything that goes on at home. Some days, I love it! Other days, I hate it as I have extra work and home stress that I would not have being at an office.
- The million distractions.
- I don't have a 9-5 feel to my life so I lack some rhythm when it comes to work and family.
- I do not get to know my coworkers very well at all. Some I email all the time- but most I never see or talk to. I do not know 50% of my coworkers names. In spite of the company being a small family owned biz.
- I lose some of that heading off to work feel. Which means it can take me a good solid 15 minutes to get into work mode.
- The lack of office supplies. If I need something, I have to get in my car and go get it. Plus, I have to use my own internet, printer, desk, chair etc adding a lot of extra costs. I am paid to cover the costs, but the time it takes to acquire these things adds more. If I worked at an office, all of this would be supplied to some degree with no questions.
-The added trash. It is weird how much trash I accumulate (much of it recyclable) that I would normally be tossing in the trash at work. We sometimes add a trash bag or two between my wife and I each week with food, paper, and other supplies. It adds up.

We are working on a few things in the future to help make it easier for me to work at home. We need a bigger house. It will take us between 2-4 years to save enough for a down payment or to rent a house. My wife and are working out a better schedule so I can get some time alone in the house. I can work from starbucks now and again but I have to be on the phone a lot during the day. I want my wife and kids to be free to play and be loud like normal so we make sure we balance that a bit.

Impatient Questions

2010-04-06T20:00:00.000-05:00

I thought I would post a series of questions I am dealing with right now.

What should my next job be?
- I figure I have about 8-9 years in my current job right now. Sounds like forever to most but I want to think about what to do next so I can get further education if I need be or begin working on a side job that will become the next job.

Where should I put my extracurricular energy and efforts?

How can I keep my head above water in regards to anxiety and depression?

What can I do special for my wife?

When can we move into a bigger house?
- Our current house is a bit small especially since my wife and I both work from home and we want to adopt someday.

What can I do to stay connected with God?

What books should I read next?

Where can we find a few extra bucks each month?

What will my counselor drag up next?

What task or cause should I dedicate my life to?
- I have always wanted to have a task or cause to commit to. I tend to have many that I give some time to here or there. But that one magical cause, I wonder what that could be?

Thanks for delving into my weird mind.

Weight Update--- dun dun dun

2010-04-05T16:27:00.001-05:00

I am back up to 233 pounds

Yeah, thats what a few weeks of not working out, sinus infection, and too much ice cream. I like to work out hard for 2 weeks then slow down and do nothing for 4-6, then work hard for 2 weeks. I gotta work on being consistent.

My goal is to work out 3 times a week. A simple one hour workout to get cracking...

I went to the gym today and will be back this week a few more times. Git r done.

Retire?

2010-04-03T14:31:00.000-05:00

I have thought a lot about retirement recently.

Mainly because my job and career ideas have dramatically changed in the past year. I figured I would be a youth pastor or work at a non-profit for a number of years. Either become a pastor later in life or lead a non-profit of some kind, maybe consult.

Well, then that whole bottoming out of our finances (and some extreme stress I was under) plus that whole depression thing changed.

Now, I am thinking of retirement. I do not want to work in my current job for more than 10 years. That would make me 37. A few years from retirement eh?

So that means, I am looking for a career change at some point in the next decade. Again.

Maybe I can jump into the photography biz my wife runs and we can do it together full time. That is one of my favorite options.

The other: find some way to get fabulously wealthy and retire early! Fat chance, I know.

But I honestly want to do something worthwhile. Find some way to support the family, get a bit extra, and do something with it.

I would also love to retire early. I am not a workaholic crazy man. I put in my 40 hours (sometimes more... umm now and again less) and I do something else. I want to enjoy life. And find something productive to do with my time. Write something. Speak. Help people. (yeah, I know, non-specific goals).

So what do I do? A great fear of mine is to retire at 65 and die the next day. Another fear is that I have to work until I am dead because of finances. I want to find that happy medium. Working is not the problem, it is working because I have to in a job I don't like... thats a huge fear of mine. Working for the manitis.

Right now, I am in a sales job where I work from home. get to set my own hours. Work a lot, travel some. It provides great freedom but it is not a job I particularly see myself doing forever. The potential to get paid more is stellar. I could potentially become a sales manager, GM, and even owner. I want to be a sales manager but nothing else. Too much work. Too much responsibility. I like punching out at 5.

I would love to stop having to work around 50. (yeah, wouldnt that be nice) and do things I love. I would love to own a few apartment buildings and use the extra apts to help families get back on their feet. I would love to consult with businesses about how to treat their employees better, become more efficient, and maximize their social awareness. I would love to become a great photography team with my wife. be able to do that full time.

Maybe along the way we will strike it rich. Save enough, get lucky, and use our finances to help others, live, and be free.

Until then? Time to work. Booo.

My dad is afraid of retirement because he fears he will be bored.

I am afraid of dying before I can be bored :)

Health?

2010-04-02T13:01:00.000-05:00

When do you know you are healthy?

I am not talking about- I don't need no steenken doctor healthy. But whole health. Mental, physical, emotional, spiritual, and social...

I know I am healthy when I can do two things:
1. Talk to people.
2. Dream.

At my worst, I can barely focus on today. Today has enough worries of its own. I get overwhelmed by something as simple as making lunch (yeah I cried in the kitchen the other day because I was overwhelmed by the thought of making an omelet- it was a horrible day). What most people do easily- it takes an extreme amount of energy for me.

When I am healthy- I can talk to others. I see this with church each Sunday. Sometimes, I can barely get to church. By the time we get ready in the morning, throw the kiddos in the car, get there, I am tired, overwhelmed, and stressed. So I head over to the far left side of church and sit down, without talking to anyone. Tired. Then after church, I grab the kiddos and scram. Waiting for the wifey in my car.

When I feel good, I stay, talk with people, strike up conversations. Talk. When I am healthy, I can talk with my wife and kids freely. Enjoy life. Laugh. Have fun.

On my hard days, saying hi to the barista at Starbucks is a lot of work.

A few times, my wife has had a friend over and I have had to escape upstairs because it is just to hard to chat.

I need community to heal. It is a huge part of the process for me. Yet, the thought of calling a friend and getting lunch- overwhelming. What do I talk about? How can I do it? Will I make it through the meal with enough to chat about? What if I clam up? Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

I love to day dream. It is a habit of mine. I tend to daydream about solving the worlds problems, striking it rich, how to help those around me, what a cool future we could have... lots of great things. I have actually filled some notebooks with ideas for businesses, politics, issues, solutions for non profits I am familiar with. I love it! It would be a dream to consult for different groups. I love watching tv shows like undercover boss and figuring out how I can change lives around me.

When I am at my worst, I can't dream. I can dream scary stuff- real dark dreams that sneak in when depression is at its worst. Overwhelming me with sadness. But, for the most part, my mind is blank. Just trying to get through the day. My wifey will ask, what are you thinking? My answer, nothing. Its true. Just blank.

Now and again, I can dream again. Its liberating. Awesome. One of my recent dreams is how to get families that have hit unemployment off the street and back into work and solid living. I have dreamed up a complicated plan to help single moms who are down and out get ahead in life so they can give their kids a great chance in life.

Dreaming opens doors for me. Reminds me of what God has in store for my life. Brings me a renewed sense of life. Brings health to my soul. Thats why I hate people that squish dreams. And at my worst, I can't dream. I carry a sketch book with me. A small journal sized book with empty pages. In it, I put my dreams and ideas.

For the past year and a half, I have not carried one with me. Not worth it. Now, its baaaaack.

Slowly, I am returning to a semblance of health. A glimmer of what life can be like. And it is liberating.