My focus on my healthier me journey has taken a backseat for a while.  I’m not happy about it but it is what it is.  I’m not going to make excuses I just haven’t been focusing on it.  Instead I’ve been:

1. Busting my ass to get out of my months long funk.  Which I’ve been pretty successful at.  I realized that instead of focusing on so much I needed to really focus on getting out of the funk so I could LIVE again.
2. Working my ass of like a work-a-holic fool.  But, going along with #1 I’ve been balancing my work hours with some fun and social-like stuff to help move me out of that funk.
3. Reading — pretty much what my friend brain can handle at the end of the day.  Plus, I’m on track to reach my reading goal for the year — 100 books.  (Wow, that’s the first time I’ve “said” that outloud LOL.)
4. Nursing a sore wrist that makes typing (when I’m on a computer all day) a pain.  I wake up every morning in pain and it never goes away.
5. Overcoming my addiction the drive-thru coffee window and perfecting my made-at-home coffee that I can control what goes into.  (OK, that might actually be a little focus on my healthier me journey so that might not need to go on the “instead” list.)
6. House-hunting.  People who say this is fun have problems.  It’s stressful.  But, I found one and am now in a holding pattern waiting for the bank to say yay or nay.

So, I haven’t fallen off the face of the earth.  I’m just trying to get some semblance of order back in my life.

Just wanted to drop in for a quick second to say hi.  Now, I’m going back to the couch to nurse this nastiness that hit me yesterday to see if I can win the battle and not succumb to a full-blown crap-fest sickiness.

Wish me luck.

I don’t.

The last few weeks, hell, the last few months have pretty much sucked.  I’ve been getting by.  I’ve been surviving but I really haven’t been enjoying.

My journey to a healthier me has suffered.

A lot.

I got through the holidays (Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Year’s) without gaining back any of the weight that I worked my ass off to lose.

But then January hit.

I’m a bookkeeper.  January sucks.  It’s excuses, honestly, but I failed miserably.  I was working 12+ hours a day and leaving the office only after those hours because I was starving because I failed to bring enough to eat to sustain me through the day.  Well, I don’t know about you but when I get off work after working 12 hours straight the last thing I want to do is cook.  So, I did the drive-thru.  And I paid for it both with a sick stomach and a scale that showed me in black & white (or grey because the number really are more grey than black and white) that I failed myself the first two weeks of 2010.

But, that’s not all.  I said I was surviving but really, that’s all I’m doing is surviving.  Yes, I’m working, heck, I’m actually staying pretty on top of things as far as work goes.  But, I’m just surviving.  I’m losing my motivation.  Honestly, I have a small voice inside me telling me to give up.  OK, the voice isn’t that small actually, it’s like a freaking megaphone in my head.  It keeps asking me WHAT THE HELL’S THE POINT?

For too long now I’ve been in this funk and right now I can’t answer that question.  Right now I don’t know what the point is.  I don’t know why I work my ass off (other than I have to).  I don’t know why I bother caring if I’m healthy or not.  I don’t know what the point of doing something other than sit my fat ass in my recliner and dwell on the fact that I’m unhappy.

So, there you have it.  That’s me right now.

And now, I’m rereading a post over the Mrs. FatAss’ place that made me cry.  You should read it yourself HERE, especially if you haven’t read it yet.  I read this post when she originally wrote it last week.  Hell, I commented on it last week.  But, I keep going back to it.  Again and again and again.  It’s really that type of post.  Reading the posts I feel guilty.  Guilty that I feel the way I do right now.  But, at the same time I feel so full of fear for all those things that are eating away at me from the inside out.

So, really, I’m afraid of what this weight loss journey means in my life.  Because, really, what if it’s me that’s unhappy.  What if it’s not the weight or the debt or what the people think or the annoying neighbors or not having a house or the weird hours or being alone.  What if it’s me.

So, now I have a question.  Has anyone read Secrets of a Former Fat Girl? I’ve mentioned it before but I have to confess that I haven’t finished it yet.  I think it’s something that would be better for me to read with someone or have someone I’m accountable to when reading it.  So, I guess I’m wondering if there are any takers.  Anyone?  Just a thought.

But, now that voice is talking again so I’m going to sign off now.

So, one of my client’s shared a website last night that’s giving away free ebooks and e-courses.  Now, anyone who understands internet marketing (which I do) knows the motive for a “free marketing weekend website” is to get your name on mailing lists.  Sometimes, they are worth it, though.  The ones I found, are DEFINITELY worth it.

So, I signed up for a couple, one I’m super excited about (plus, this person happens to be a client of my client so I know she’s legit ).

This e-course is a helping you find your motivation to exercise.  Well, I REALLY need some motivation to exercise. BAD.  So, I’m going to work through the exercises.  Here. Because, that’s how I roll.  But, seriously, check out the site and hopefully you’ll find some e-courses or e-books that you’ll find helpful.  Here’s the link again.

So, anyway, today’s lessone deals with finding your motivation because, frankly, if you don’t like exercise (which I don’t) then you’re not going to get any unless you find a reason to do it, right?  Because, frankly, “because I have to” isn’t motivation enough for me to get my fat lazy ass off the sofa (OK, recliner) and doing something.

So, WHAT IS MY MOTIVATION?

• I want to be healthy
• I want to have more energy
• I want to not feel like a lazy sloth
• I want to not be afraid to go places with people for fear that I won’t be able to keep up or that I’ll be embarrassed because I’ll be breathing too hard from minor exertion
• I want my niece and nephew to look at me and say “my Auntie is healthy, I want to be like her”
• I want to run a 5k
• I want to want to go out for a run
• I want to enjoy looking for new clothes (not dread that nothing will fit or look good)

When I get to that point, I will be healthy.  I will be able to enjoy the foods I like in moderation but counter it by being physically active.  I will be able to enjoy the warm weather by going out and doing things with friends (hiking, boating, swimming).  I will not be afraid to try new physical activities like snowshoeing and cross country skiing (both of which are things I really want to do but am afraid to try because I’m afraid they’ll be too difficult).

I want to run a 5k and have my entire family stand at the finish line and cheer me on for finishing something that at this point seems impossible.

I have no idea why I want to be a runner.  I have never liked running.  I have never been a runner.  But, now, at this point in my life.  I want to run. I want to put on running shoes and run.  I want to go for runs along the lake.  I want to look forward to mornings and/or evenings or even taking a break at lunch and going for a run.  I don’t want to walk, I want to run.  I don’t even want to ride a bike, I want to run.

I want to stop finding and making excuses, I just want to run.  But, more importantly, I want to be MOTIVATED TO RUN.

I’ve mentioned my water bottle before.  But, it was just mentioned so I wanted to talk about it again.  (Plus, I kind of thought I’d do some product reviews for weekend posts — we’ll see how that goes.)

Anyway, my favorite water bottle is this Eddie Bauer Ice Core Bottle. I have three of them.  (Well, I used to have four but I forgot one on the counter at my hair salon and they threw it away so now I have three.)  My small one is pink — they say it’s 22 ounces but I think it holds closer to 24 since I never put the ice core in.  I also have two larger bottles (a green one and a blue one) that hold closer to 32 ounces.

I tend to use the larger bottles more often because they hold more water but I really prefer the smaller one.  For work I bring both large bottles full of filtered water and drink that throughout the day.  The size is perfect because it gets me right at 64 ounces of water (I’m not sure it’s exactly 32 ounces each but it’s close enough that I’m not worried).  The center of the bottle is thinner (it has like an hour-glass shape) so my small hands can hold it fine.  Plus, the larger bottles has a rubber-like grib on it to make it even easier to hold.  It also fits in my cup holder in my car for when I’m driving —- SUPER COOL!

The smaller bottle is actually my favorite even though it’s not the one I use most often.  I have really small hands so it’s easier for me to hold (not that the large one is difficult…this one is just lighter and easier).  But, the size means needing to drink three bottles in a day and since I have only one that means refilling it three times which is a hassle and leads me to drink less water.

So, there you have it…my favorite water bottle.  What’s yours?  Share a link in the comments and I’ll post some of them with your comments in a future post!

It’s no secret that I love my Kindle.  There is a long list of reason I LOVE my Kindle but one reason is all the free books that are available for download.  Some of them suck, quite honestly, but most of them are pretty good.  I’ve even found some new authors that I probably never would have read if it weren’t for trying them out for free.

Well, this week I found some health/diet related books that are available for free.  Thought I’d share in case any of you want some new material for your Kindle.  Note:  I haven’t been able to read any of these yet so I can’t tell you if they are any good.  So — don’t BUY them based on this recommendation unless it sounds like something you are interested in but if you have a Kindle and want to download them for FREE I wanted to pass that information on.

1. 12-Day Body Shaping Miracle: Change Your Shape, Transform Problem Areas, and Beat Fat for Good by Michael Thurmond
2. The Good Mood Diet: Feel Great While You Lose Weight by Susan M Kleiner & Bob Condor
3. Leslie Sansone’s Eat Smart, Walk Strong: The Secrets to Effortless Weight Loss Leslie Sansone
4. UltraLongevity: The Seven-Step Program for a Younger, Healthier You by Mark Liponis

Now on to some unpleasantness.  well, for me anyway and for you it’s probably something you’ll say “OK, didn’t need to hear that”.  But, whatever.

I’ve mentioned before that I gave up eating meat.  I spent the last year + having some issues with my stomach and after reading Skinny Bitch I decided I’d give up meat for a while (two weeks) and see how I felt.  I did and I felt better.  So, I decided I’d eat meat if I wanted it but for the most part I wasn’t partaking.

And, I haven’t.

I’ve also found that if I do eat meat it makes me feel a little yucky.  For most of the end of last year (probably October – December) I didn’t eat any meat product at all.  I didn’t want it, the smell and/or thought of it completely grossed me out so I didn’t eat it.  No big deal.  I don’t care if you eat it, heck I’ve cooked chicken nuggets for my niece and nephews.

I’ve also always said that if I had a craving for or wanted meat I’d eat it.  It’s really not a big deal for me I just haven’t been eating meat.

Well, this past week I’ve been craving meat.  I’ve been working long hours and at the end of the day I’m starving and just need to grab something because I’m usually shaking with hunger.  (I know, bad place to be but it’s been that type of week.)  Well, I’ve been grabbing some meat items.  I had some sliced turkey, a burger, and some chicken.

And now I’m SICK.  My stomach is completely jacked up.  I want to puke and I feel like I’m going to explode.  This morning, as I was laying in bed completely nauseous and trying to figure out what would make me feel better I realized.  It’s the damn meat.

OK…so no more.  I can’t deal with feeling like this.  It sucks.

OK…enough procrastinating…I have a crap-load of work I need to get done today because tomorrow I am hosting the Ultimate Auntie Sleepover at my house.  Yep, my sister from California arrives tomorrow and she and I are having all three of the kiddos over to my house for the “No Mommies Allowed Ultimate Auntie Sleepover”  (we had to specify the no mommies allowed because two of the aunties are also mommies and that won’t work for our planned Ultimate Auntie Sleepover).

Happy Friday!

I know, I’m a little late in wishing you a Happy New Year.  It’s been that kind of holiday.  But, on a good note (for me) I am very happy to say that from Thanksgiving through New Years I did not gain any weight.

Pretty awesome, eh?

So, a quick read I wanted to share.  If you have a BlackBerry I just wrote up something for a blog I guest post on regularly that I thought I’d share:  New Year, New You.  I discussed some BlackBerry apps that might be helpful in your weightloss.

And now, a random word about me.  I’m a bookkeeper and it’s January.  That pretty much means — I’m SWAMPED.  So, I’m not sure how much I’ll be posting around here for the next few weeks but I’m not gone or forgotten (and please don’t forget about me) I’m just keeping my head above water (or attempting to) while I tackle the mountain that stands before that is bookeeping.

Wish me luck.

I guess you could say that my gift for 2009 (the last sixteen weeks anyway) was to maintain a very nice weightloss that I’ve done so far this year.  That’s nothing to sneeze or complain about.  I’ll be the FIRST person to say that.  I’ve lost 26.2 pounds since May.  That is something to be excited about.  That is a gift to myself.

I had wanted to do better in the GAG challenge but I didn’t. Instead, I pretty much maintained.  No, it’s not actually a maintenance — I did lose 5.6 pounds in the sixteen weeks of the challenge.  I had some personal challenges and some person victories along the way.

Am I upset with how I did over the challenge?  NO!

Am I proud of myself for how I did over the challenge?  Sort of.  I wish I’d done better but I’m proud of the fact that I’m lower than when I started.

Now, we’re supposed to have pictures to mark the end of the challenge.  Well, that’s not happening for me.  I got a new scale and it doesn’t stay on that long and my phone is the only camera I have and it takes a while to take a picture sometimes.  The combination does NOT work for taking a picture.  So, you’ll have to take my word for it that the scale read 203.2 this morning.  Seriously, I’m not in line for any fantastic awards or anything with that number so I’m sure it’ll be fine.  I also took body shots a couple weeks ago — those will do as well.  I’m not trying to downplay what I accomplished — I just don’t have the equipment (camera) to comply.  LOL

So — a HUGE non-scale victory this week.    Sunday I went to church (nothing abnormal about that LOL) and my nephew decided he wanted to go to “big church” instead of kid’s church.  Which was fine.  But, that’s not even part of my non-scale victory, I’m just trying to build up the excitement for you.

So, we go to church and we’re walking in and I’m greeting people as I go (which really is something because I go to a pretty big church so it’s realistic to go to church on a Sunday and see nobody that I actually know).  So, as I’m walking in I see ….

Oh, Sunday night I took my sister and nephew to drive through the living nativity the private school at the church was putting on.  Very exciting and fun experience.  Afterwards we drove around (in the rain — what the heck — it’s almost Christmas and we have NO snow just yucky rain) to look at lights.  (Like my attempt and drawing this HUGE thing out for you?  LOL

So, like I said, I was walking in to church greeting friends when I saw a friend that I hadn’t seen since mid-summer.  I wanted to talk to her so I stood to the side while she finished talking to someone.  When she turned, I kid you not, her eyes bulged (like in the cartoons) and her jaw dropped (LITERALLY) and she did the head-to-toe once over.  I looked at her with a bewildered look on my face because I couldn’t figure out what her problem was — I mean I did shower and do my hair that morning and I didn’t think I looked THAT bad.  Well, then I realized SHE HASN’T SEEN ME SINCE MID-SUMMER.  She finally caught herself, shook her head, and said “WOW!”.

Talk about making my day! 

So…like most people things are crazy busy right now.  Lots of work (I’m a bookkeeper — year-end is BUSY).  I’m watching my nephew every day while his mom’s at work.  And, I’m mentally in vacation mode.  So, if I don’t get by before then here’s my wish to you:

Merry Christmas!  Here’s to a very happy and healthy Christmas time spent with those you love doing the things that make you happy.

So, I mentioned that my goal was to be in onederland by the end of the gag challenge (which is this coming Tuesday).  I thought I’d be there based on last week’s weigh-in but this week was pretty random and went up.  I’m OK either way — it’s not the end of the world if I don’t make it it just means it’ll happen later.

Well, I think this Tuesday’s weigh-in was a fluke or something because I’m back down to where I thought I should be.  So, it’s still possible that I’ll be in Onederland by the final challenge weigh-in.  Pretty excited.

Thanks for all the nice comments on my last vent session.  I ended up meeting with this person because I kind of “had” to because of a position I am in and she’s the person I’m supposed to meet with.  However, our relationship changed quite a bit this week.

So, weigh-in this morning was 203.4.  Up from last week a bit, a couple of things could be contributing.  1.  It’s that time of month and I often am up a tad for that.  2.  I got my new scale last night and it could be a tad off from the last one.  I’m not worried it could be either of those or I’m just up.  I’m a little disappointed with myself because I really wanted to be in onderland by the end of the GAG challenge and that doesn’t look like it’ll happen.  But, I’m OK.

Now, some deep ponderings because, well, I need to ponder.

Despite how I may come across here I am actually a very private person.  I don’t share a lot of myself or almost any of my emotions with people.  I may have mentioned at some point that I deal with depression as a very real part of my life.  I had a major meltdown eight years ago and attempted suicide and was hospitalized and went through extensive treatment.  At that time I was diagnosed with bipolar with some borderline personality disorder traits.  In short, I’m crazy.  (I say that with a smile on my face because it’s a coping mechanism to call myself crazy.)

As part of my coping skills (or lack of ability to deal with my emotions) I do not cry.  I do not cry in public, I don’t cry alone.  If I’m with someone I trust in a private place and I’m able to let it out I will but it’s extremely rare that I allow that to happen.  And, honestly, it’s so rare that I am with someone I trust enough to allow that to happen.

Don’t get me wrong, I need to cry.  I have emotions bottled up inside of me.  But, I don’t.  I don’t cry because it scares me.  The last time I cried alone was not a good situation and I won’t allow myself to do that again.  Yes, I get teary eyed.  I get some sniffles occassionally from a movie or something.  I’m not heartless.  But, a real, emotional, let loose cry.  Nope.

Well, I need to cry right now.  I have a lot of emotions that have built up over the last couple of weeks with the stress of what I’ve gone through.  The emotions of dealing with my dad being sick.  The frustration of not working.  I have a lot of emotions.  But, alas, I can’t let it out.  So, it’s bubbling there.

I’ve spent a lifetime building up a wall to protect myself.  From what, I don’t know, but I’ve built this wall to protect myself.

Yesterday I took a small brick out of that wall.  I opened myself up to a friend who said she wanted to get together so we could talk and she could listen and just support me after the last couple weeks.  I asked if we could meet at my house instead of the coffee shop we usually meet at so I could cry because I really needed to and actually felt like I’d feel safe doing it with her.

She said no.  She’d rather meet at the coffee shop.

Why?

Now I’m frustrated with myself for opening up a little.  I’m angry with myself for dislodging that brick.  I’m irritated with myself for thinking I could trust someone.  I’m mad that I shared a part of me and had it thrown back in my face.

I’ve tapped down the emotions.  Put a nice cork back on them firmly in place.  We’ll meet for coffee.  I’ll have a smile on my face.  I’ll say everything’s fine.

I won’t make that mistake again.

I can go weeks without any real plans on the weekend.  Then, it never fails, I’ll have one day with a ton of events planned.  Sunday was one of those days.  Not one, not two, but THREE parties to attend.  I wasn’t sure how I’d do it all but figured I’d try.  I was interested to see how I’d do on the eating but, honestly, decided not to worry about it.

So, the first party was at 11:30 — my youngest nephew’s 3rd birthday. I slept late (which was good because I haven’t been sleeping very well lately) so ended up not eating breakfast.  I know, not usually a good idea.  But, it worked out OK.  I ate two small slices of cheese pizza (I purposely chose the smallest because for some reasonI really wanted two).  I ate some of my dad’s soft pretzel — which tasted good but I wished I hadn’t eaten it only because I wasn’t hungry and didn’t really want it.  I drank water and ended up wanting some soda so I treated myself to a small bit (probably two small sips) of Sierra Mist.  Then I had a cupcake.  I wanted a cupcake so I ate it.  Which is kind of funny because I don’t usually like store bought cupcakes.  But, for some reason I wanted one yesterday.

Party #2 was a bridal shower.  I ate one small piece of pineapple — because I LOVE pineapple.  And two tortilla chips with homemade salsa because the bride-to-be and hostess are famous for their homemades salsa.

Party #3 was Christmas dinner party.  I skipped the cookies and other “goodies” that they had all around and didn’t get any punch — not because I was depriving myself but because I didn’t want any so I skipped them.  Dinner was salad, prime rib, chicken cordon bleu, and a twice baked potato.  I ate the salad then asked for my dinner with no meat and they gave me extra salad to go with my twice baked potato.  They had sour cream to add to the potato but I, didn’t want any so I pretty much had salad with 1/2 a baked potato.  It was yummy.  Then they brought out dessert.  I was a bit irritated that I ate the dessert only because I didn’t like it, I didn’t want it, and it wasn’t all that good.  If I’d enjoyed it I would have been fine with the fact that I ate it — but I didn’t so I wish I’d skipped it.  But, I started feeling self-conscious because I was sitting next to the person who’d planned the food and felt bad that I’d already turned down the main dish. So, I was more irritated with myself for eating something I didn’t want.

All in all, I’m happy with my party day.

Today my new scale (yes, 2nd new scale in a week) arrived.  I like it a lot more than the one I bought last week.  It feels more sturdy so I’m happy.  We’ll what it says tomorrow.  Considering that on top of all the crap I’m dealing with today just happens to be the day that TOM decided to visit I’m not holding out too much hope.