Instead of having SlimFast for breakfast and lunch, I fell back to my standard no breakfast and a sandwich of some sort of lunch. I guess I figure I am not doing too bad since I would normally want two sandwiches and only opted for one. I know I am doing just as bad though as I piled on the extra crunchy peanut butter onto the third slice of bread that made up my sandwich.

I still have a toe stuck in the world of being pregnant with multiples. I need that extra protein, damnit! I really don’t, it brings me comfort. I am a comfort eater. Food is my friend. I can make myself something and it makes me feel good where nothing else is really making me feel good right now.

I’ve always been a comfort eater. When I get stressed or depressed I gain weight. I remember, long ago, being jealous of a pretty friend of mine who told me how she magically lost 60 pounds – she went though a divorce. Me? I’d probably gain 60 pounds and then some if I went though the same. 

To comfort me today I ate a three slicer extra crunch peanut butter and strawberry jam sandwich, a huge plate of spaghetti, 2 delicious breadsticks, a can of diet coke, and 2 Hershey’s chocolate bars.

To keep me fat I did not exercise today. Although everyone is asleep in the house (including my husband, the one who is ignoring me) I am writing this instead of getting my fat ass on the treadmill. 

I am hoping that I don’t have many more of *these* days ahead of me and that I can beak out of this cycle of self-hate and laziness. All the while wondering if my husband secretly wants to keep me fat thinking that no one else will want me this way.

Just another one of *those* days.

So, today I am making it my mission to get healthier. Finding the time to work out is going to be the biggest challenge. Taking care of the babies, who are 3 months old, is a full time job that usually finds me on the couch switching which baby is currently crying. This cycle continues until we all pass out. I either need to get on the treadmill before my toddler wakes up (7am) and the babies are back asleep after their monring bottle or I’d have to stay up late and get walking before I go to sleep.

Are there any studies out there that show when exercise is most beneficial? I wouldn’t have a whole lot of time between feeding the babies and the toddler waking up to workout unless I got up at 4am and, let’s face it, I am not a morning person to begin with so I doubt that schedule would work for long.

My goals for today are to do a little research on whether or not it makes a difference when, during the day, you exercise. I’ve already flubbed up on my lunch (I skipped breakfast) and had Ramen noodles. I have a few dozen cans of SlimFast that will be my breakfast and lunch from here on out. When that gets old I might ask my husband if we can work Weight Watchers into the budget. I’ve never done Weight Watchers, but I’ve heard from a lot of other people who have had a lot of success with it. Since I really haven’t had any success with anything else I’d love to try it.

So, now for the weight…

Week 1: 252.4 (afternoon weight, fully clothed – had to be quick!)

My youngest child turned two this year and is totally into acting like a kid suffering from the Terrible Twos. The Terrible Twos, or TT, are much like a case of the Mondays except it lasts much longer (still waiting for my eldest child who is now 8 to come out of her terrible twos, although it appears she has transitioned into a moody teen without notice.) and there is no funny plot, like in the movie Office Space.

So, here’s my stats for the past month. I’ve hovered around the same weight the entire month, hell for the entire summer. I need to go in to see my doctor soon to go over my progress (or lack of) and I don’t know what I am going to tell him. It’s all there in the numbers. There is a large part of me that is seriously considering talking about the lapband procedure again with him. Yes, a serious life change, but this was supposed to be a serious life change as well.

Week 17: 249
Week 16: 250
Week 15: 249
Week 14: 249
Week 13: 250
Week 12: 249
Week 11: 249
Week 10: 248
Week 9: 253
Week 8: 250
Week 7: 251
Week 6: 253
Week 5: 255
—————–
Week 1: 265

I gained a pound this week. I am not surprised as I’ve been eating like a pig lately.  Sunday night my husband and I went to a Chinese buffet – biggest mistake of the week. When it comes to Chinese food I can’t help myself. I will load up my plate and just start eating. When it’s at a buffet I keep going back until I am completely stuffed. If I am stuffed I will continue to eat whatever food is on my plate until it is gone or nearly gone.

My diet has gone off track these last few weeks. There has been some stressful things coming up as far as work goes. Potential strikes and lack of money. I turn to food to comfort me when things go wrong. I’ve been trying to change that so that I turn to the treadmill to work it all out, but I’ve been finding that I am too damn tired to even get on the treadmill at night after the kids have gone to bed.

I need to get this back on track. No one around me is willing to give me a swift kick up the butt, so I am left to do it myself. So here I am, kicking myself into gear.

Week 13: 250
Week 12: 249
Week 11: 249
Week 10: 248
Week 9: 253
Week 8: 250
Week 7: 251
Week 6: 253
Week 5: 255
—————–
Week 1: 265

No change this week.

Week 12: 249
Week 11: 249
Week 10: 248
Week 9: 253
Week 8: 250
Week 7: 251
Week 6: 253
Week 5: 255
—————–
Week 1: 265

I need to cut my portions and get my ass back on the treadmill this week. I am hoping that I’ll be able to do some aerobic activity that isn’t walking sometime soon. I have issues with my knees. Like, when I walk up stairs it sounds like someone is moving a creaky old door back and forth.

Week 11: 249
Week 10: 248
Week 9: 253
Week 8: 250
Week 7: 251
Week 6: 253
Week 5: 255
—————–
Week 1: 265

I think that last week’s weight gain was due to bloat and other premenstrual sorts of things. This is the first month of having a period while on birth control. Prior to this I wasn’t really having periods or ovulating or anything.

I can still think of many ways that I can help the weight loss along. More vegetables and less carbs. I am making changes slowly so I can keep this up for the rest of my life. In the past when I would go on diets it would be drastic changes that all happened at once. I would end up resenting those changes and miss those cookies and “bedtime snacks” so, I would start adding them in again and then the weight would start coming back.

I’ve changed what my goal weight is as well. Sure, I’d love to weigh 150 pounds, but I can’t honestly remember the last time I weighed that little. When I was a senior in high school I clearly remember weighing 188 pounds. I hated every single one of those pounds. Now, when I look back on pictures, I wonder why I always thought I was so fat.

When I reach 200 I will make a new goal of 150. Then when I reach 150 I will make a new goal. Looking at that ticker and seeing that I still have nearly 100 pounds to go makes me feel as if I haven’t come as far as I have and that the end is unattainable.

Week 10: 248
Week 9: 253
Week 8: 250
Week 7: 251
Week 6: 253
Week 5: 255
—————–
Week 1: 265

Now that we’re back at home I need to get back into the swing of things. I was lazy when it came to taking my Phentermine and Metformin while we were gone. I would forget to take it more than I would remember. So, that probably didn’t help in the weight loss department. Also, not helping tonight, at least, is discovering this site: My Fat Spouse. Why is it that people think that fat people automatically smell bad or are disgusting to look at?

Here’s to eating a lot of vegetables and fruit over this holiday week. We’ve been invited to a lot of backyard BBQ parties and it hasn’t been easy avoiding all of the junk food!!

Week 9: 253
Week 8: 250
Week 7: 251
Week 6: 253
Week 5: 255
—————–
Week 1: 265

Not too thrilled with this week’s weight loss. Just 1 little pound. I know why it was only 1 and not 2 or 3 or, God forbid 5. I didn’t work out and I ate the wrong things. I’ve been falling into the pitfalls of eating what the kids eat and giving into my husband when he suggests pizza for dinner. Need to get back on track before I slip even further.

Week 8: 250
Week 7: 251
Week 6: 253
Week 5: 255
—————–
Week 1: 265

I am 1 pound away from being where I was when we started some unsuccessful infertility treatments back in January. Losing weight has many benefits. Not only will I be healthier and happier, but I am hoping that getting pregnant will be made a bit easier.

We had been trying and trying for another baby over the winter. I knew that I would need some help along the way with some sort of fertility drugs. It only took one month on Clomid to get pregnant with the Toddler. We tried for three months on Clomid this time around. My OB/GYN kept upping the dose until she said we were at the highest dose. I knew, from reading things online, that Clomid tends not to work in overweight people and brought this up with my doctor. She said that some people believe that but that it had worked for me in the past. Well, in the past when I was, by then, 20 pounds lighter, but still very obese.

So, the part of me who is aching for another baby gets upset sometimes when I don’t see 10 pound drops in 1 week.

Week 7: 251
Week 6: 253
Week 5: 255
—————–
Week 1: 265