I’ve noticed on my non-regular posting schedule here at Father Of One lately, that I can find reasons to not post a particular week (or weeks) and I think it only affects me.   Honestly, I have been engrossed with my Engineering work more than ever.   Probably the most challenging year of my career and going into unchartered territory for me both technically and managerially.  So at the end of the day,  I default to my #1 priority of spending time with my family.  I want that to be regular if nothing else.  So I chalked up my other commitments to “LIFE”.   Funny thing is, when I noticed the irregular posting on a Homeschooling blog I throughly enjoyed – I got a little unsettled.  I had been drawn in and now I wanted more this person had to offer.   Incidentally, the blog was birthed out a parent’s experience with ADHD – so perhaps there is more to the story than I know!   However, what about my readers?  Even if there is just one reader that finds my writing helpful and encouraging.  Is it worth the effort?

I believe it is.

When Vincent Van Gogh painted all those brilliant masterpieces, he really had only one admirer of his paintings.  His brother and financier Theo.  Theo obviously saw something in Vincent’s work to continue to encourage him (amidst his mental distresses) and basically finance all his work.   Will my writings (or yours) be “Van Goghs”?   I mean to say by that, not that they will bring royalties to your family after you’re long gone, but will they encourage someone?  If you’re not a painter or writer, how about your words?

If I’m getting off topic here, I want to say that being “Regular” has merit.  There is a saying that goes “If something is worth doing, it’s worth doing well.”  And part of doing well is consistency.  If I am not regularly home after work to see my wife and child, then after awhile, I think they might be wondering what I’m up to.  Or if they are important to me.  If I’m not regular at work, the company will find a replacement.  I used to say the easiest way to do well in school is to show up.  Out of 6 years of college, I missed 2 days and one of those was a medical emergency.  I just showed up and it made a mark.  The professors knew I cared about their course.  But I wanted to do well too because I cared about it.

And I care about my readers.  That’s You.

As long as I have words to say that I think are helpful, I will write.  If I can’t write consistently and be regular about it, then perhaps I should examine my desire to begin with.  Yes, there are seasons of time when things change, but there are also things that remain the same.

Do you expect regularity and consistency from people?  I’d love to hear your thoughts on this.

As we were watching a particular show, they showcased a swine competition (yes, people actually show Pigs) and the youngsters under 18 years old showing the pigs, walking them up and down the arena with the same pride that the Westminster Dog showers would have.  After the show, several of these young folks were interviewed and asked why they participated.  They would say something about growing up with them on the farm or maybe something about it being alot of fun, but in the end they would say “It’s the people.”  The family friendly atmosphere, the warmth, the welcoming, the camaraderie from the people involved – it brought them back year after year.

We watched another show on vintage tractors and the people that restored them.  I thought these pieces of equipment were unique and stunning to see.  They get showed at local and national tractor events.  This one guy in particular was interviewed and asked why he spent so much time restoring and traveling the country to display his vintage Bush Hog Lawnmower from the 1950′s. “It’s the People” he said.  It got me to thinking about so much of what we do.

Being an Electrical Engineer by schooling, I still didn’t see the appeal my dad had when he got interested in Amateur Radio and spent quite some time building a tower and very elaborate antenna systems and radios just so he could talk across the state to other ham radio operators.  That is part of his morning routine as well.  I mean, couldn’t he just pick up the phone and talk? But that isn’t why these guys do this.  It’s the people, the relationships they build.  They get to know each other quite well talking each morning in this group.

I recall retirees coming back to the office at work and telling stories about things that happened decades ago.  It is always about people, never about the technology.  Here lately, it has been so easy for me to get wrapped up in my work and the recent stress of meeting deadlines and forget about why I am doing it.  It is the people I deal with each day.  It is people that we will remember.  The way we treated them and how certain customers come back and how some leave.  In the end, it’s the people we remember.  Those blessed relationships we nurture and foster.

Those are the things we will remember – for eternity.  Let’s foster them well.

Remember folks – “It’s the People!”

I was introduced to this concept recently at a church training for Children’s Volunteers. To me, it cuts through all the tips and techniques of “Winning Friends and Influencing People” (which is a book everyone should read in my opinion) – and gives an overall attitude that encompasses them. The purpose of the training was in respect to how we as volunteers could convey letting the children feel welcome in the environment especially those new to the church. In general, it can be easy for an adult to dismiss a small child (because, well, they are just children after all) and go about their business.  Or want them to get in line with the “program” and lose the relational connection with their heart.  Yes, we need order and we need sanity, but any dictator can have order! To make a real impact, we need connection.

Isn’t that what you want too?  We are wired for connection.

One thing I know is that people really do like to talk about themselves.  It’s been documented and we all know and feel that.  Sometimes I’ll patiently sit in a conversation with someone or a group of people and internally I’ll be thinking how I wish they’d just ask me a question about ME.  It’s comical almost how we long like little children to be noticed.  Hey, maybe the church training was onto something.  Kids long to be noticed!  After I got my first job out of college, we moved to a rural, South Georgia town where we rented a small house.  Our neighbors behind us worked at the same place and had a couple of small children that would play in the fenced back yard.  Often when I’d be in our yard, I’d hear one of them say “Hey Mister, Look At Me!!!!”  and they would do a somersalt or flip or some other crazy antic.  It was so often, my wife and I would joke to each other years after saying “Look At Meeeeee!!!”.

We all have that in us – a longing to show our real Glory, to be noticed.

The goal for our children’s church is to create a place where kids experience Jesus in a real way.  I can think of no better framework and starting point than walking into relationships saying “There You Are!”.  It doesn’t diminish us when we do this, it only reflects Jesus’ attitude and our strength of character.  It does take a person to know who they are and being confident in their place in the Kingdom, but it also takes practice. We get stronger by doing. We take our strength and get stronger.

The Apostle Paul was no wimp, yet we read in Phillipian 2: 3 “…but in humility consider others better than yourselves.” Read the Entire 2nd Chapter to gain a bigger context here – you see that Jesus humbled himself, his attitude was putting others first.  On the cross, Jesus was saying “There You Are!”.  He is still saying that to us today.  And I think He loves it when we say that to each other.

How does the “There You Are?” concept resonate with you?

If you found this article helpful, please pass along!

Even before the age of Facebook, social media and blogging – where we can put up whatever versions of ourselves we desire others to see,  I believe there has always been something inside us that is self-protective and pushes us to tell “The Best Story”.  To those we meet at church, at school or the grocery store – we are part of the “Fine Family”.  However in today’s world, people share so much online that it is easy to “tell” someone about yourself (and we are all eager to do that) and hence showing them exactly what you are doing with your time.

When I think about my dad and grandfather’s generation, they were the strong and silent type that really wouldn’t say much (in an emotional way at least), yet they would quietly show their character through their actions.  My mom can tell me many stories of when my Big Pa (my grandfather) would hear of a need in the community and quietly contribute or provide for it.  He didn’t want anyone making a fuss about it either.  Others may not have seen it, but my mother did and the people helped felt the impact.

I want to be more like that.  To SHOW rather than TELL.  For example, I can tell others about Jesus’ love for them by Chapter and Verse in the Bible, yet if I don’t SHOW them that love – the message can be rather empty (however God can work even through a shallow messenger).  If I sit here and type blog post after blog post about the need of men being great fathers, yet take no time to actually BE the Hands and Feet of a father, then how will my words be read later by my family?

Let’s me and you TODAY, pick ONE THING to show others we care for them, that we love them.

I believe along with a kind word, we need to show love with our actions as well.  How about:

• Sending unexpected flowers to a loved one.
• Inviting an old friend to dinner and paying for it.
• Calling or writing a personal, handwritten note to a friend that’s down and out.
• Send a gift card to someone you know that is in need.

The possibilities are endless.  Your life is an endless display of Show and Tell.  You can tell whatever you want, but in the end it’s all about the showing of your actions.

What ONE THING will you do today to SHOW someone you care?

Pain is nothing new to our family.  It’s a common theme unfortunately that we (and I should say my wife) have dealt with through years of mysterious and struggling physical pain.  It doesn’t make sense why these things don’t get fixed.  Numerous surgeries, more “procedures” than I care to think about, new-fangled healing technologies to zap or de-program the pain away and it just lingers on.  As a husband, I just want to fix it.  Emotional highs and lows in a sea of dealing with all of it.  Please note I did say “highs”, because on that one glorious day out of 10, when the issues seem to lift, we are thankful.  Just very thankful.  To hear the Queen say perhaps a handful of days through the year “This is what I remember feeling like!”.

Little CK is very aware of the situation and simply hates seeing anyone in pain.  I really wish she didn’t have to see mom in the condition she’s been accustomed to seeing.  However, we have noticed how she is very caring and compassionate towards my wife and to others as well.  She is quick to come over with a pat on the back or a kind word.   Last night as we were in bed talking about Friday, she asked me why it was called “Good”.  We talked about Jesus dying on the cross for our sins and how is was for our good.

Then she says “I hope he wasn’t in a lot of pain.”

Oh, the pain He experienced we will never know.  It is easy to see someone suffering in front of our eyes, yet read the story of Jesus in the pages of Scripture and never grasp it fully.  I still don’t.  I just know that I comprehend our Savior taking on the sins of the human race because he loved us – it’s unfathomable the love and the pain involved.

But I got to tell her the “rest of the story” - Resurrection Sunday.

He is raised and He lives – there is no more pain.  That is CK’s hope for mommy as well.  Not only life and freedom now, but a brand spankin’ new body.  And it ain’t wearin’ out.  My heart is thankful and sorrowful at the same time for what has transpired by the mercy of God.  Tears of sorrow, but also tears of Joy.  Beauty from Pain.

So no matter what you’re going through – remember Sunday is Coming.  Beauty will overcome the Pain.

Was I the exception to the rule?

I don’t think so.  In fact, I was socialized.  But in the manner that is inevitable by the system we have.  Putting 25 kids in a classroom and having them be around each other 7 to 8 hours a day.  For some kids longer.  It’s just a fact when mom and dad are both working and commuting, then pick up Jr. from daycare or after-school care at 5pm, take ‘em to practice (more kid time), eat and crash for the night.  Where is the majority of their influence coming from?

Throughout my young life up until I was in the 7th grade, I was very overweight.  My mom had to buy special “Husky” pants for me.  I loathed PE time and especially when I advanced to middle school. Coach would have fifty kids sitting on the bleachers while he called out our names one by one to put on a display in front of the entire class how many pullups we could do. One at a time.  Being a “Wright”, I had to wait until the very end, sweating bullets, knowing there was no way I would ever defy gravity to pull my big body up a centimeter even.

That is just one small example, but there are lots of ways I felt inadequate.  But there were “good” years as well.  I remember getting tired of jeering and decided to lose weight in the 7th grade.   I had felt the eyes of my peers and even the jests of relatives noting my size. I was tired of it and I made a stance to stop eating after 6pm every night, stop drinking Cokes (not sodas, not pops, but Cokes!) and have a salad as my last meal of the day. And I started running in the afternoons after school.  How I knew to do this, I’m not sure, but it worked.

By eighth grade, I was on the track team.  I even got 3rd place in the 1/2 mile my last track meet.  I had lost so much weight, my mother and others thought I might be sick! I had gained some confidence though. I even had a “girlfriend” that eighth grade year for a whole month.   Eighth grade was my “glory year”, looking back.  Coach Bonner wrote in my yearbook “To the Best All Around Student at Troup Jr High”.  However, the next year, the pressures were on again.  High School.  I tried my darndest to fit in. One week I thought I’d try wearing boots and jeans and seeing how that appeal took.  Then it was a preppy look. I guess some of those years are indeed about trying to figure out who you are, but clearly I didn’t know and was looking for acceptance, looking for a place.

Then college came along and I immediately joined a fraternity. After I became a pledge, one of the members told me that they weren’t sure they should even pick me because I was so quiet.  He himself was a quiet guy and urged the brothers to give me a chance.  I worked hard and became the “Best Pledge” of that group, trying again to seek acceptance.  On that campus, the “cool” thing was to wear Ray-Ban sunglasses and Duckhead shorts. Weird.  I asked my mom to buy me those $80 sunglasses and I’d stroll through the campus with backpack over one shoulder, Ray Bans on and I thought I had a license to be “noticed”.  I should pay my mom back that $80 for my ignorance.

So, when people ask “What about Socialization”, I wonder, which Socialization are they talking about?  Where kids are put in large peer groups and they teach each other what is socially acceptable? Is that the socialization they’re talking about?  I experienced that for 12 years of school and 6 years of college.

The socialization where you’re put in a group of kids and made to feel awkward and unimportant unless you conform to the “in group”? To think negatively of oneself if you’re not “thin” or “cool” or have the latest Nike sneakers?  I had neither.  I was the overweight 6th grader with cheap sneakers.  I can still recall the thought that if I got these Nike sneakers (they were brand new back in the 80′s), they’d quit calling my K-Mart shoes “buddies”.  Sounds comical now just typing that out.  I begged my mom for some and after a long time, she caved in.  They were canvas Nikes.  The cheapest Nikes you could get, but Nikes nonetheless.  I remember proudly marching into 7th grade homeroom the day after I got ‘em and immediately one of the popular kids noted my sneakers and said “Canvas Nikes? Those are still buddies!”.

We live in a broken world with broken systems. Everything we experience at our school aged years and the peer pressure above certainly applies to adulthood as well. We vie for attention. We exhaust ourselves to have the things others have so we’re not left out. But is part of that because we have not been given the adequate training at home to be confident in who we really are?  This is not a rant on public schools or daycares or any of that.  I just don’t get the question “What about Socialization?”  Call it what it is.

Learning who you are and being confident in that starts at home, period.

I remember eagerly awaiting the day when we would put our daughter in pre-K. She would have a chance to be around kids her own age and develop as a typical kid would.  After the fact, I see how flawed that view is.  In fact, there are  studies now that show this may not be such a great idea.  That is, it is ideal to give children more time with their parents at home versus putting them immediately into the company of large groups of children.  Socialization should more accurately be looked at as a concrete goal of raising children that can be good friends to others and having great qualities themselves.  When people ask “What About Socialization?” – it’s almost like it’s a separate course, like Math, Writing or Music.  The problem is – It’s Not.  There are no goals in schools about what this should look like.  It just happens and you have no idea what really is happening.

I’ll quote an article by Marlene Molewyk, who home-schooled her five children and whose career included being an NBC corespondent and  production assistant for the Oprah Winfrey Show:

“When you ask how my kids are getting socialized, do you mean how are they learning to be good friends who are thoughtful, loyal, compassionate and respectful to others?  Or do you mean getting socialized as in: learning how to obsessively compare themselves with others, learning that their value as a human being is based on the brand of jeans they’re wearing, and learning that being physically attractive gives you the right to treat others like they’re trash?”

I’ll close this post with a thought from her article:

“We must realize that if we allow our kids to be socialized in the “acceptable” way, they will probably need to relearn socialization as adults.”

I’m in the process of relearning it always seems, but maybe part of that is human nature.  I think homeschooling might have given me a boost though.

I welcome and appreciate your candid comments below….

As a bonus, here is an inspiring video …

Flickr: David Reece

I still don’t know what I was waiting for
And my time was running wild
A million dead-end streets
Every time I thought I’d got it made
It seemed the taste 
was not so sweet
So I turned myself to face me
But I’ve never caught a glimpse
Of how the others must see the faker
I’m much too fast to take that test

David Bowie from the song “Changes“

I am not the man I once was.  No longer a child, a boy, a teenager.  Yet I have many days that I see myself as a much younger man.  Even a boy at times.  That timid, overweight 5th grader that would spend the weekend with his grandmother.  On the drive from school to her house, I’d be asked question after question about my day, what I wanted to do.  And I would simply say “Yes ma’am”, “No ma’am” or just shrug my shoulders as if to say “dunno”.   In my forties now, I still have times where I have to do the old shoulder shrug and say “Dunno” to many of the things that come at me.

However much as I still have this glimpse that I’m a young son of my father, I’ve become more.  I’m a man.  A courter of my love.  I became a husband.  A working man that provides.  A father in my own right.  A protector.  A provider.  And again, a courter of my love.

Yet, in all the times I’ve shrugged my shoulders and had an internal “dunno” moment, I moved forward.  I either paddled the boat in the direction I thought best or the river I was in took me on a predestined course.  Either way I changed.  Hopefully I learned something too.  We change in various ways, but undoubtedly the biggest way is struggle and challenge.  No bodybuilder or sprinter became world-class without pushing the weights in the gym.  It didn’t just happen.  Even so, we attain that success and we still find  areas we are weak in.  We have both strengths and weaknesses.

In those moments when I am vulnerable from a real or perceived weakness, seeking the approval of others or just wanting control – the faker comes out.  The Poser as it’s dubbed in the book Wild At Heart.  Posing to appear manly.  To have it all together.  Making life “work” and making it obvious to others.  I have this or that or my spiritual walk is supreme because I casually bring up in a group that we “tithe” or my prayers are so wonderful when I say them (because people tell me so).  I say all that is Posing.  Boloney instead of Steak.  Let’s see the real man, the fears, the scars underneath.

And there are those moments when I’m in the company of greater men and I get intimidated.  The poser goes away.  The boy comes out.  I sit.  I listen and observe.  I’m asked for my opinion.  I shrug my shoulders.  It is time for the man to come out and the boy shows up.

Both of these are sins of self-preservation in my book (and The Book), seeking to save myself from something.  Yet, I have changed.  Why not admit my faults and just put the chips out where they may.  I have experiences and life lessons others need.  And so do you.  The world is full of Posers, but they don’t know it.  They need real men with impact to help them put the Poser aside.  I’ve been in groups where there is one man who is unafraid.  He throws the chips on the table.  He gets real.  Real in an uncommon way.  And I look around and see men nodding their heads in agreement.  They are glad this man has spoken.  That man can be you.

If you’re Posing or Holding Back, why is that?

Courtesy www.destinychurch.tv

Jesus said to them, ‘Truly I tell you, at the renewal of all things, when the Son of Man sits on his glorious throne, you who have followed me will also sit on twelve thrones, judging the twelve tribes of Israel. Matthew 19:28

Then I saw “a new heaven and a new earth,” for the first heaven and the first earth had passed away, and there was no longer any sea. I saw the Holy City, the new Jerusalem, coming down out of heaven from God, prepared as a bride beautifully dressed for her husband. And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, “Look! God’s dwelling place is now among the people, and he will dwell with them. They will be his people, and God himself will be with them and be their God. ‘He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death’ or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away. Revelations 21:1-4

What will we be doing in Heaven?  Perhaps singing all day and night?  I don’t think so.  When I consider passages like Matthew 19:28 or the Parable in Luke 19 it gives a little picture.  The wise and faithful servant is given charge over 10 cities. We will be busy! We will be working in the true Kingdom Come that we’d been praying about all these years. We will be renewed. And I believe we’ll have renewed bodies to go with it. After all, Jesus called it the “renewal of all things”.

I listened to a powerful message by John Eldredge on the Kingdom. If you follow his newsletters or read his books, you would often see him tell stories about Scout, his beloved Golden Retreiever. It was determined that Scout had cancer and they made the hard decision to put him down. As the vet came to their home, the entire family gathered around Scout and saw him breathe his last as the injection entered his body. And then, John testifies he heard Scout BARK in his spirit.

“Wait a minute! Jesus, do all dogs go to Heaven?”

“Why do you think I said I renew all things?” Jesus replied.  Pause.

“What do dogs do in Heaven?” John asked.

“THEY RUN!”

And the faint picture of Scout running along the pack of dogs with other dogs renewed his spirit. That is the Kingdom fully come. That is what our hearts are yearning for. Our renewal.

An unexpected thing happened this week after my quiet time. I was just sitting on the couch, thinking about the picture I had put by my bed as I talked about here. And all of sudden, I imagined myself on a beach. Throwing the frisbee with Jesus. What! The thought almost seemed ridiculous at first, but it also was exuberating as well.

The King of Kings and Lord of Lords was playing frisbee with ME. Laughing. Joking about my throw. And there were my family members having a picnic on the beach. Having fun. Friends. It was a party. A Celebration. All the tears shed in the past were over. All things were made new.

I can sum it up no better than C.S. Lewis wrote in the last chapter of the last book in the Narnia series, The Last Battle :

“And as He spoke, He no longer looked to them like a lion; but the things that began to happen after that were so great and beautiful that I cannot write them. And for us this the end of all the stories, and we can most truly say that they all lived happily ever after. But for them it was only the beginning of the real story. All their life in this world and all their adventures in Narnia had only been the cover and the title page: now at last they were beginning Chapter One of the Great Story which no one on earth has read: which goes on for ever: in which every chapter is better than the one before.”

When I heard this read one day, I wept on the spot. They were tears of expectation that whispered whatever trials and pain that are on the Earth now, whatever struggles and battles we war with, this is only the Preface. Chapter One is coming. May we live like it.

You can give your sweet or someone special a bouquet of flowers or a box of chocolates if you like. That’s all well and good and to some – expected.  But here’s something you can give today (and every other day you choose to) that others will take with them after the flowers have died and the chocolate box is empty:

Give your heart to someone today.

Give it all you got at work.  Put your heart into serving those around you today.

Put your heart into your relationships.

Give your heart to your God.

I have a friend that went through a terrible divorce many years ago.  He didn’t want the split to happen, but it happened regardless.  His heart was broken but slowly it was beginning to heal.  On one Valentine’s Day he bought a dozen beautiful red roses, brought them home and put them on the table with a card addressed to “Jesus”.  Sound kooky?  A little weird.  Definitely a waste of money, right?  It was the love in the heart of a man being expressed out the extreme gratitude for the restoration and love that he had received.  That’s giving your heart.

The flowers and chocolates are just the conversation starters.  Let the real gift begin after that.  And just keep on giving.   CK has been talking about visiting the local cupcake shop here in town ever since she went to a birthday party there several months back.   Today, we’ll go grab a Valentine’s cupcake (or two?), but the real gift will be when we sit and eat while she tells me about her imagined adventures, stories and drawings.  My gift to her will be my heart by giving her my full attention (and paying for the cupcakes, of course).

Who will you give your heart to today?

Yet, it seemed rather out of reach since I’ve never, ever looked anything like this, even in my youth.

Then I had the idea of putting a framed 8×10 photo of this picture by my bed.  I’d look at it as I went to sleep as well as listen to a visualization recording (it’s even free) that further emphasized the effect of the picture.  It seemed a bit hokey to do this and trust me, I got plenty of razzing from the Queen. When I brought in the picture, she asked me if I wanted to be this “old man”.  Yes Indeed!

Even CK asked me “Why do you have that picture??”
I thought and honestly said  “He’s having fun at the beach and enjoying life!”

There was something about this picture that appealed to me.  Not only was this guy in great shape, but he’s on the beach.  Throwing the frisbee.  Having fun!  I just liked the energy that was reflected here – the kind of energy I sure wouldn’t mind having in my life!  After one week of having the photo there, I noticed that I was feeling lighter.  I was making better food choices.  And one unintended bonus – I stopped biting my fingernails.  Yes, the nasty habit that I have brought with me since a kid.  I have tried willpower over the years, but whenever a stressful event pops up, I would go to chomping.

I realized something that I’d heard before and it’s so true:

You become the person that you think you are.

If you think you’re fat, then you’re fat!  It’s a major component of those that struggle with eating disorders.  No matter how thin a woman can get, even to the point of death – in their mind, they see a fat person.  I’m not saying that staring at a picture will cure that, it’s not that simple, but the mind is a powerful thing and my beliefs will determine the person I become.  Using pictures is like a universal language.  If you were in Russia and need to use the bathroom, but didn’t speak Russian, all you’d have to do is hold up a picture of a toilet and someone would know exactly what you needed.  Using pictures and visualization is kind of like that.

Pictures bypass all the internal verbiage that might be hindering progress in an area.

Can this be used in other areas as well?  Of course!   Why not put a picture of what you’d like to be or achieve in your spiritual, emotional, financial aspects?

I hope this proves helpful to you!

Here’s a short video of Mark in action!

Visit NBCNews.com for breaking news, world news, and news about the economy