Kathy's Journal: Life, Living, and Other Weird Stuff

Moved to Wordpress

2015-07-26T18:16:00.001-04:00

I have moved my blogs to Wordpress. You can find Kathy's Journal at https://kathysjournal.wordpress.com/ or follow the link above.

Yes, It's a Survey

2015-07-20T11:22:00.002-04:00

I stole this idea from Dog with No Brain who stole the idea from surverysurveysurvey. So it's survey and I'm answering my own questions. Feel free to steal.

1. What is one situation you want to avoid ever happening to you?
Falling face first down the stairs.

2. Low fat or fat free?
Low fat, if I have to.

3. Are you cowardly?
Absolutely.

4. Do you ever feel less than fresh?
Before I shower. I have to shower everyday.

5. Whose number is 867-5309?
Jenny's and apparently you can have a good time.

6. Have you ever written something on a bathroom wall?
Once, when I was about 13. I thought it would be funny.

7. When was the last time you fell down in public?
A couple of years ago I was running across the street and fell as I trying to step up on the sidewalk. I immediately jumped and quickly looked around in hopes that no one saw me. Fortunately I didn't see anyone.

8. Are you more aggressive or mellow?
Mellow.

9. What have you done with your self to keep your life worth living?
I reach out to family, especially my two little nieces who I'm sure are the only people in this life who really love me back.

10. What is the most incredible thing you can do?
I can do that live long prosper thing with my toes.

Weirder and Weirder: Feeling are Getting Unlocked and Getting Out

2015-07-17T22:51:00.001-04:00

I've been walking around numb for so long, I wasn't sure if I could have feelings again. For a decade I've been doing nothing but getting up, making it through the day, and going back to bed. This day, and the next, and the day after that. I guess I forgot how to live. I forgot there's such a thing a as future.

But lately, I haven't been numb anymore. My emotions are on high. And I don't like it. I getting used to not feeling anything. Why do I have to feel it now? What changed? I don't know. All of this writing has opened some kind of well of long buried emotion. I wish it had stayed buried. But without my consent feelings are pouring out. I find myself on the verge of tears all of the time now. All I can say is what the hell?

Maybe it's time to dig them up. Let them flow. Maybe if I can get to what's buried, it won't bother me anymore.

Well, that's 'it for right now. Life just keeps getting weirder.

5 Strange, Twisted Theories that Make My Life a Little More Whimsical

2015-07-16T22:13:00.000-04:00

My life has been so stress filled lately that I can't turn around without chewing my fingernails off. And I don't need to extra calories.

I need to make some real decisions and stick with them. Time is running out.

It's time to get back to who I am. That much I know for sure. What else do I know for sure?

1. If I keep working at what I want, and letting go of what I don't want, eventually I'll have what I want.
2. I come up with strange, twisted theories that actually make sense to me.
3. I prefer a life where you get to make up the way you want it go.
4. I like people who are a bit weird and strange.
5. Life is better with chocolate.

So that's my list for today. It is subject to change at any time, whether for necessity or simply for my amusement.

Have a wonderful life and enjoy!

Can I Adjust to a Plus-Size Life?

2015-07-14T22:16:00.002-04:00

Sooner or later, I've got to give up eating all of my cooking. But it's just so good. No, I've got to make up mind: Start getting back into shape or fully adjust to a plus-size life and just own it.

Here's the thing. I'm not comfortable. I feel terrible. And starting a cooking blog. What was I thinking? But, hey, nobody but me is making me cook and bake all the dessert I run across, right? So, I've got to make the Perfect Cream Cheese Frosting my last sweet for awhile anyway. Maybe.

Ugh. It isn't going to get any better unless I do it myself. Story of my life.

So that's it. For now anyway.

What does it mean to be vulnerable?

2015-07-08T16:43:00.004-04:00

On my blog Write About That Too, I explored being vulnerable while blogging. But I didn't get into what it's like to be vulnerable everyday.

Vulnerability is not comfortable. But it allows you to be seen. And isn't that what we want? Just to be seen and heard. To matter. But we can't do that without being vulnerable.

Brene Brown opened the conversation about vulnerability, but I think it's up to us to explore it. To me, being vulnerable means that I open myself up to new relationships, new ideas, and new life paths and allow myself to feel the discomfort that comes along with it. It means to realize that I'm not perfect and I don't have to be.

Being vulnerable has helped me open up as a blogger and as human being. I still hesitate in my writings, but I am putting myself out there more everyday. I'm learning that my story is OK because its' my story. And I feel OK about that. I'm not saying that it's easy. It certainly isn't. But I'm moving forward despite the pain. I have been numb for too long.

Recently I've been crying about everything. You know what though? I feel something. And it's the first time I've felt anything in years. So, I'm opening myself to vulnerability. It's gonna be one hellva ride.

The Egg: A Story I Read

2015-07-05T20:14:00.002-04:00

The Egg

I recently read a story on Facebook called the Egg. In this tale, a guy died and came face to face with his maker. I won't go into great detail, but God tells him that everyone dies. So that's no big deal. Then God says that the entire world was created just for this guy. Everything. And then springs this on him: everyone on earth is some representation of this one guy. Everybody. They are all the same person. Him. And the earth is nothing more than an egg. Inside this egg, the embryo, the man, is growing. And will keep growing until he becomes like God.

So what do you think? Is everyone really just you? The guy who cuts you off in traffic is just you. The boss who pisses you off. That's you too. Another person somewhere else on earth--just you. They are all you growing in some way.

I'm not sure what think of this story. It is just a story. I think. But it does make you look at other people a differently. Like maybe you already know their story because it's your story too.

Update: I Finally Got It

2015-07-05T01:30:00.001-04:00

Update: I literally wrote this post in the middle of the night. I had an epiphany, got up and wrote this post. So it was a little weird to the average reader. It was riddled with typos as well. But the fact remains I know what I want to do. If you stay posted and keep reading, it will soon become obvious to you.

I finally figured out what I want to do with myself. And I discovered it this week. All of the torment and turmoil. And it just came to me. I am already doing it right now. This is it. And it can only get better.

Please join me on this journey and follow me on my adventure.

I have a lot to figure out still. But I'm getting it done. I get so excited I can't sleep. Then the next day I'm so tired I can't get anything done. But I am getting things done, too. I've gotten a lot done. It's late now, and I should go to bed. But I just keep saying, "All this time it was right here."

July 4th on the 3rd: Rain and Fog and Downed Trees--BooHoo

2015-07-04T10:20:00.003-04:00

Yesterday's July 4th on the 3rd was rained out except for the fireworks--and that was an abbreviated show. But it was really about family and friends, and that made it worth it.

On the way to the festivities we encountered a downed tree and were detoured by way of country road. And that wasn't bad. I actually enjoyed the ride through dirt roads and beautiful country landscapes .But I wasn't driving. So that makes a difference. I have a few fireworks-in-the-rain pictures. But not many. And the photos are a little shaky. Getting photos in the rain is a little harder than I thought it would be.

Happy July 4th 2015 on the 3rd

2015-07-03T11:26:00.000-04:00

I'm heading to the Rivesville, WV, July 4th Celebration on the 3rd tonight. It's time for some relaxation with family and friends. I hope you have a wonderful and safe holiday weekend.

My Little House

2015-06-30T22:40:00.001-04:00

My little house that I love.

This is where I live. and I love it here. I love my house. I love the neighborhood. I love everything about it.

My brother and I painted this house ourselves--with very little help, just in the high spots.

My little patio.

We also repaired the patio by ourselves.

My little flower garden that I'm trying to get restarted.

My little tabletop garden.

WV Botanical Garden: A Place to Meditate

2015-06-29T15:23:00.001-04:00

I went for a long walk today in the Botanical Garden. I was alone--as I am most of the time. I had time to think. I realized that I am quite angry about many of the things that are going on in my life. And that I can't allow that anger to take over my life. Yeah, I'm pissed. But I gotta use that energy to pull myself forward, not bury myself in a pit of despair. And so here are some photos from my day. For every one step forward, I'm still taking three back. But I'm not lost.

I think I know him.

Where am I gong?

So pretty.

Love it.

The way home?

My Tabletop Garden

2015-06-26T19:17:00.003-04:00

This is my little tabletop garden. I've finally got some ripe tomatoes. That's Chance in the doorway keeping watch on his yard.

Could You Do It All Again?

2015-06-25T08:43:00.002-04:00

Yesterday I posed this book review on my blog Write About That Too:

Life After Life by Kate Atkinson
Out of the darkness, life begins--again.

What if some day or night a demon were to steal after you into your loneliness and say to you, "This life as you now live it and have lived it, you will have to live once more and innumerable times more". . . Would you not throw yourself down and gnash your teeth and curse the demon who spoke thus? Or have you once more experienced a tremendous moment when you would have answered him: "You are a god and never have I heard anything more divine." --Nietzsche, The Gay Science

Ursula Todd died before she could breathe her first breath. At the same time that evening, Ursula Todd was born. Kate Atkinson takes us on journey of the lives of Ursula Todd, each life the same only different. The choices made in one life lead to different choices in another -- over and again until maybe she gets it right.

This truly imaginative tale will leave you wondering how many lives you've lived already and how many more are to come. And questioning whether deja vu may have an explanation.

One of the best books I've read in a while.

Life After Life is available on Amazon.

What would it mean to live the same life over and over?
Sometimes the thought of going back and doing it all again seems too whelming. I don't think I would want to. But then there things that I would love too change. What do you think? Could you do it all again? I guess, if like in this novel, you had no idea you were doing over and over again, you could face it. Let me know your thoughts.

How to Make Money Telling People How to Make Money

2015-06-24T12:08:00.001-04:00

You can make money telling people how to make money just by telling them you know how to make money. And thats the long and short of it.

Ok. So now Google is spying on the conversations that we have in front of computers. I guess George Orwell was right. I can't even think about it.

I found something I thought I had lost. No it wasn't my mind. Although that would be very helpful to run across.

Please visit my new blogs — although I don't say anything in either one of them about how to make money. Here are the links:

Write About That Too

The West Virginia Woman

Bluebirds Don't Sing for Me. They Shit on Me.

2015-06-22T09:41:00.001-04:00

This morning I stopped for a breakfast muffin at the library beside my office. On my way back, I noticed a broken bird egg on the sidewalk. Just as said, "Poor birdie," to myself, a bird in the tree I was waking under shit on me. Now I am pissed off because I was shit on. How's that for a start to the week?

I'm still looking for a second job, if anyone has any leads. I'm desperate.

I'm working on a couple of new blogs. I'll be posting more about them soon. They will actually have topics. This is just my diary.

I'm also going to work on a character sketch as a challenge to myself. I'm writing a character sketch of a woman I used to know. At first, I thought it might be too hard. But then I realized I know better than I thought I did. She's a lot like someone I know now. Someone I'm very close to. No it isn't me. Just someone who was as colorful as she was raw.

Life is trying to pull me down. I'm trying hard not to let it. More later. . . .

A Glint of Sun Blazed through the Windshield

2015-06-21T20:54:00.002-04:00

New things will come soon. As soon as I get them ready. I'm working. I'm working. But not too soon.

It's Gotta Get Better Than This

2015-06-21T11:31:00.000-04:00

I'm trying to pull myself together so I can do something about the position I'm in. I'm sick of living the day-to-day grind and of never knowing if I'm going to make it from one month to the next. Here's the thing: I've been in the same boat for a long time and now it's leaking. Water is pouring in and I'm sinking.

So I'm getting past the vulnerability and embracing it. I have no other choice. We are all vulnerable in some way. I am no different. So I'm taking a deep breath and a leap of faith. Life has got to be better than this.

Just Thinking

2015-06-15T12:51:00.000-04:00

I've written more stories in my head than I have ever put down on paper. My mind is too ADD to stay on topic long enough to make into something that might be beneficial to me or anyone else.

It's been raining for two days here. This morning I wake up to a downpour. I could hear it hitting the roof as I lay in bed. And it took me a very long time to get up.

I'm not sure if I've had a feeling in a long time. I feel numb. Disillusion in life brought me here.

Do I want a job that makes me happy? Or a life that makes me happy? I think the latter. How do I get there?

I think people project their own insecurities onto other people. I think that often when you think you have problem with someone, that person doesn't even know there is a problem. Just thinking.

I hate having my picture taken. It's too the point where it's become a phobia. Where does that much self hatred come from?

5 Foods that Can Help Kidneys

2015-04-28T13:10:00.004-04:00

I've been looking for foods that can help my kidneys repair naturally. Here is a list of five foods from Clean Eating Online that are supposed to help your kidneys. I have also heard that asparagus is supposed to be beneficial. I have no idea if any of these really do help, but I'm willing to give them a go.

So far, I've experienced some days where I feel extremely fatigued—yesterday being one of those days.

Today, I went for a walk. I feel a little more energized.

I've found several vegetarian recipes. My sister made me a delicious vegetarian chili and some humus. She makes the best humus. The only better that I've had comes from actual Mediterranean restaurants. I haven't made anything myself yet. My sister made me so much food that I have been eating her cooking for a while. But I'm running out, so I'll have to figure something out. Oh, I have been having fruit and veggie smoothies. It's amazing how filling they can be.

So far I haven't lost any weight. But I'm still dealing with water weight, so I'll have to have patience.

I haven't had any new blood work so i don't know if anything I'm doing is having any benefit. I go back around mid June. I'll let you know how that goes.

Getting in a Small Garden

2015-04-27T10:58:00.001-04:00

I haven't been feeling well over rate past couple of days. The fatigue sometimes gets to me. My symptoms include fatigue and swelling.

I've been sticking to a vegetarian fare. I haven't had meat in a while now. I don't miss it much, yet.

I planted an herb container garder over the weekend. I made to sue to have parsley, sage, rosemary and time. Ha. But I put in other herbs too. I also have dill, spearmint, mint, sweet basil, and cilantro. I'm not sure if I will plant others. But, hey, it's good start.

I also have a little salad garden going. Tomatoes, lettuce, cucumbers, and red peppers. I haven't had much luck with peppers in the past, but we'll see what happens.

I wish I had more motivation, and I am trying.

A Little Scared—But Still Fighting

2015-04-21T11:16:00.000-04:00

"You are in stage three kidney failure," he said.

My expression dropped.

"But don't let the word failure scare you. It's just he way we describe the disease. You are at the borderline of being able to turn this around or having something to really worry about. Right now, your kidneys are still working. You can affectively change your diet—going to a more vegetarian -style diet. Limit the meat you eat. Don't eat beef. You can have chicken, eggs, cheese. Don't drink colas. Drink water, water with lemon. Do you have any questions?"

"I don't know."

No I Am Not Going to Die, Yet
Yes, I struggling with reversing kidney disease. What I know is that through my diet I can reverse the damage that's already been done. I need to go vegetarian. But I need some vegetarian recipes. I'm not sure what I would like. I like most vegetables, but have only had them as a side dish up until now. How can I make them into a main dish? Any recipes would be welcome.

What I don't know is how well I'll be able to adhere to a vegetarian diet. And how well I'll be able to remind myself that a hamburger isn't worth dying over.

I don't know that much about kidney disease right now. But I will learn. I will try to relay anything that I do learn here.

I'm going to try to chronicle my journey. But lately, writing on this blog hasn't been a primary concern. So without making any promises, I'll let you know how I'm doing from time to time.

See you soon—

10 Positive Things I'm Doing to Improve My Life

2015-02-24T10:07:00.001-05:00

Lately, writing anything has been extraordinarily painful for me. Well, not even lately. It's been quite a while. I cannot find the words to say what I want. But, never fear, I'm working on it. Rather than focusing on what goes wrong during the day, I'm trying to focus on what's gone right. I'm doing that in my private journal. And I know I've been ignoring this one.

I'm working on food journaling again. That's going OK. I'm working out more. I cannot wait for warmer weather—and with the promise of better weather next week, all I can say is bring it on.

Please bear with me as I push past the pain. I know that's something I've struggled with all the while I've been writing this blog. But I've found some better coping tools than the ones I once relied upon. They include:

talking to a counselor,
journaling,
looking for what went right rather then what went wrong,
art therapy,
spiritual connection with some amazing women I've met,
exercise,
my dogs,
my family,
new friends, and
many more positive things.

I'm looking forward to sharing more about my journey. I'm trying to look at my life as growth and not some painful existence that I'm just trying to get through. And that's a big change for me. I will write more soon.

Maybe It's not the Wheat After All

2015-02-19T14:32:00.000-05:00

While I'm trying to figure out if bread really does cause health problems, especially for people with thyroid disease, I'm reading a lot. This article from Mother Jones discusses that it might not be gluten that's making you sick. It might be the way we make bread. The Real Problem with Bread (It's Probably not Gluten) says that today's fast-acting yeasts and additives allow gluten levels to remain in higher in finished products. Also, commercial bakers add gluten to baked products to increase bread's elasticity.

Anyway, the article says that it's modern baking, not modern wheat, that's the culprit. The article is worth a read.

Bread or Meat? I Have to Decide

2015-01-11T15:48:00.001-05:00

Losing weight post menopause is hard, to say the very least. I'm really struggling. I worked out four times last week, watched what I ate, and still gained two pounds. WTF. OK. I'm not giving up, but I am certainly frustrated. I guess I'll have to go full on Paleo whether I want to or not. Giving up the carbs is so hard to do. But I guess it's a question of, "Do you want to be healthy or eat bread?"

I do like steak. And I have a freezer full of chicken. Ugh. I just gotta make up my mind.

Everything else isn't peachy, but I've made up my mind that I will do what I have to do to move forward in life.

For several months now, I've been having some vivid dreams. I won't go into a lot detail, but I can tell that I'm moving toward something new. We'll what plays out. I'll update any big changes, but I don't expect anything for a awhile. It's just moving that way.

I'm not sure what else to say. This is the longest post I've made in a few months. I'm trying to get beyond writer's block, too.

So I guess that's it for now. See you soon.

P.S. I don't usually endorse products, but if you haven't tried Poo-Pourri, let me tell you , it works. Now I'm not going to say it completely eliminates anything you did in the bathroom, but it sure helps.