Have A Laugh

Defective Parrot

2017-08-14T21:52:00.001-07:00

A guy is browsing in a pet shop, and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch.

It doesn't have any feet or legs.

The guy says aloud, 'Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this parrot.?'

The parrot says, 'I was born this way.

I'm a defective parrot.'

'Holy crap,' the guy replies.

'You actually understood and answered me. !'

'I got every word,' says the parrot.

'I happen to be a highly intelligent, and a thoroughly educated bird'

'Oh yeah?' the guy asks.

'Then answer this, how do you hang onto your perch, without any feet.?'

'Well,' the parrot says, 'this is very embarrassing, but since you asked, I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar, like a little hook.

You can't see it, because of my feathers.'

'Wow,' says the guy.

'You really can understand, and can speak English, can't you.?'

'Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic, politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology. You really ought to buy me, I'd be a great companion.'

The guy looks at the $200.00 price tag.

'Sorry, but I just can't afford that.'

'Pssssssst,' says the parrot, 'I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me, cause I don't have any feet.

You can probably get me for $20, just make the guy an offer.!'

The guy offers $20, and walks out with the parrot.

Weeks go by.

The parrot is sensational.

He has a great sense of humour, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful.

The guy is delighted.

One day the guy comes home from work, and the parrot goes, 'Psssssssssssst,' and motions him over with one wing.

'I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife, and the Austpost man.'

'What are you talking about,?' asks the guy.

'When he delivered a package today, your wife greeted him at the door, in a sheer black nightie.'

'WHAT???' the guy asks incredulously.

'THEN what happened?'

'Well, he came into the house, and lifted up her nightie, and began petting her all over,' reported the parrot.

'NO!' he exclaims, 'and she let him.?'

'Yes.

Then he continued taking off the nightie, got down on his knees, and began to kiss her all over.'

Then the frantic guy demands, 'THEN WHAT HAPPENED.?'

DUNNO?!? I got an erection, and fell off my perch.!'

Doggie Sex

2017-07-01T06:05:00.001-07:00

Child (dog sex dekh ke):
"Papa ye kutta kya kar raha hai?"
.
Dad (thinking of the child's innocence says with a smile):
"Beta woh kutiya ko kuch samjha raha hai..."
.
Child (with a confuse look on his face):
"Araam se bhi samjha sakta hai, Gaand marne ki kya zarurat hai...!"

Lost In The Mountains

2017-05-30T20:52:00.001-07:00

A journalist goes to Afganistan for a documentary. In a little village he saw an old man and asked him to narrate a typical happy story of his village.

The old man smiled and began:"One day, a long time ago, my goat got lost in the mountains. As is our tradition, all the men of the village gathered to drink vodka first and then looked for the goat. When we finally found her, as is our tradition, we all drank some more vodka and all the men in the village each got their turn to mate with the goat. We had so much fun that day!"

The journalist realized that he couldn't publish such a story so he asked the old man if he had another happy story.

The old man smiled again and started all over again: "Once, my neighbor’s wife got lost in the mountains. As per our tradition, all of the village's men gathered to drink vodka and then went to look for her. As is our tradition, when we finally found her, all the men in the village got their turn to mate with the neighbor’s wife. We had great fun that day!"

The journalist couldn't publish that story either and therefore asked: "Don't you have a story that is less happy; something... umm ... sadder?"

The old man's smile faded. His eyes welled up..... In a sad, soft voice he began: "One day I got lost in the mountains....."

Kadwa Sach

2017-05-18T00:46:00.001-07:00

ज़िन्दगी ने भले ही आपकी गांड पर चौतरफ़ा हमला बोल रखा हो…!!

पर कोई ना कोई चूतिया आ कर कह ही देता है
.
.
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“भोसडी के, ज़िन्दगी के असली मज़े तो तू ले रहा है।"

Old Age Football

2017-05-15T20:33:00.001-07:00

An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man breaks wind and says, 'Goal.'

His wife rolls over and says, 'What in the world was that?'

The old man replied, 'it’s fart football.'

A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says, 'One each, tie score”....'

After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says,
'Aha. I'm ahead 2 to 1.'

Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says,
'2- 2, tie score.'

Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says,
' I lead 3 to 2.' Now the pressure is on the old man

He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard.
Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally shits in the pajamas.

This soiled his side of the bed.

The wife says, 'What the hell was that?'

The old man says, 'Half time, switch sides'

Sheep Fries

2017-05-10T09:41:00.001-07:00

Bobby was a sheep farmer who needed help with the difficult task of castrating some of his inferior male sheep to keep them from breeding with the females.
He hired a French guy who didn`t speak much English, but was a very good worker.
After the first day, Bobby and the French guy had successfully castrated 14 sheep...
When this French worker was just about to throw away the cut off giblets, Bobby yelled, "No! Don`t throw those away! My wife fries them up and we eat them. They're delicious and we call them `sheep fries`."

Later that day, the French worker came in for supper and indeed, the `sheep fries` were tasty.
The next day, they castrated 16 sheep, and the next evening they all settled down to another supper of `sheep fries`..
On the third day they castrated only 4 sheep and when Bobby came home, he asked his wife where the French worker was??
She said, "You know, it was the weirdest thing! I told him since there weren`t very many `sheep fries` this evening, we were also going to have French fries.
He just screamed and ran like hell.

Nasbandi

2017-04-21T09:38:00.001-07:00

एक गाँव में जिलाधिकारी
नसबंदी के महत्व के बारे में भाषण दे रहा था

भाषण के बाद उसने कहा कि
अगर कोई सवाल पूछना चाहे
तो पूछ सकता है.

एक ग्राम सेवक खडा हुआ
और बोला – गाँव वाले पूछते है कि क्या आपने खुद नसबंदी कराई है?

जिलाधिकारी ने कहा- नहीं मैंने नसबंदी नहीं कराई है.

ग्राम सेवक ने पूछा – क्या कमिश्नर ने नसबंदी कराई है?

जिलाधिकारी ने कहा- जहाँ तक मुझे जानकारी है कमिश्नर ने भी नसबंदी नहीं कराई है.

ग्राम सेवक ने फिर पूछा – क्या मंत्रालय के सचिव ने कराई है?

जिलाधिकारी ने कहा - मैं तुम्हारा सवाल समझ गया... देखो हम सब पढ़े लिखे लोग हैं...हम बिना नसबंदी कराए ही परिवार नियोजन करते हैं.

ग्राम सेवक ने कहा ...

तो मादरचोदो ,

हमें भी पढ़ाओ लिखाओ,

हमारे लण्ड के पीछे क्यों पड़े हो

Fluctuations

2017-04-17T08:19:00.001-07:00

I will never hear or see this word again without thinking of this joke...

I was at my bank today ( in New York ); and there was a short line. There was just one lady in front of me, an Asian lady who was trying to exchange yen for dollars.

It was obvious she was a little irritated. She asked the teller, "Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen. Today I only get hunat eighty? Why it change?"

The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations."

The Asian lady says, "Fluc you white people too"..

Suzo Chadhiyo??

2017-04-12T07:46:00.001-07:00

One Gujrati ben sees a pregnant Goan woman and thinks her stomach has a swelling.

She asks : "Su thayu, pet par suzo chadyo ?"

Goan woman : "Suzo nahi, D'Suzo chadyo !!"

Aplomb

2017-04-05T00:10:00.001-07:00

His Lordship was in the study when the butler approached and coughed discreetly.

"May I ask you a question, My Lord?"

"Go ahead, Carson ," said His Lordship.

"I am doing the crossword in The Times and found a word the exact meaning of which I am not too certain."

"What word is that?" asked His Lordship.

"Aplomb," My Lord.

"Now that's a difficult one to explain. I would say it is self-assurance or complete composure."

"Thank you, My Lord, but I'm still a little confused about it."

"Let me give you an example to make it clearer. Do you remember a few months ago when the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge arrived to spend a weekend with us?"

"I remember the occasion very well, My Lord. It gave the staff and myself much pleasure to look after them."

"Also," continued the Earl of Grantham, "do you remember when Wills plucked a rose for Kate in the rose garden?"

"I was present on that occasion, My Lord, ministering to their needs.

"While Will was plucking the rose, a thorn embedded itself in his thumb very deeply."

"I witnessed the incident, My Lord, and saw the Duchess herself remove the thorn and bandage his thumb with her own dainty handkerchief."

"That evening the hole the rose made in his thumb was very sore. Kate had to cut his venison for him, even though it was extremely tender."

"Yes, My Lord, I did see everything that transpired that evening."

"And do you remember the next morning while you were pouring coffee for Her Ladyship, Kate inquired of Will in a loud voice,

'Darling, does your prick still throb?'

….and you, Carson, did not spill one drop of coffee ?

That, Carson is complete composure, or aplomb."

Gardenerng With Grandma

2017-04-03T10:16:00.001-07:00

A teenage granddaughter comes downstairs for her date with this see-through blouse on and no bra. Her grandmother just pitched a fit, telling her not to dare go out like that! The teenager tells her 'Loosen up Grams.. These are modern times. You gotta let your rose buds show!' And out she goes.

The next day the teenager comes down stairs, and the grandmother is sitting there with no top on. The teenager wants to die. She explains to her grandmother that she has friends coming over and that it is just not appropriate...The grandmother says, 'Loosen up, Sweetie. If you can show off your rose buds, then I can display my hanging baskets.

"DON'T MESS WITH A SENIOR CITIZEN !!!"

Blind Date

2017-03-10T07:27:00.001-08:00

Jack had a blind date with Jill for the prom and, as the evening progressed, he found himself more and more attracted to her.

After some really passionate embracing, he said.

"Tell me, do you object to making love?"

"That is something I have never done before," Jill replied.

"Never made love? You mean you are a virgin?" Jack was amazed.

"No, silly!" she giggled. "I've never objected!"

Usmaanbhai Puncture Wale

2017-03-09T07:52:00.001-08:00

नेशनल हाइवे पर उस्मान भाई की इकलौती पंचर बनाने की दूकान थी।
गुजरते ट्रकों के पंचर बनाते बनाते उस्मान भाई बालक से जवान हुआ था।
,

एक रोज पास के जंगल में एक लड़की की चीख सुनकर उस्मान भाई वहाँ गया तो देखा चार मवाली एक लड़की की इज्जत लूटने की फिराक में थे।

,
उस्मान भाई ने चारों को धोकर रख दिया। वे भाग गए,

और लड़की उस्मान भाई पर आशिक हो गई।
उसके पीछे पीछे दूकान तक आ गई।
,

उस्मान भाई पंचर बनाने के कामधाम में लग गया।
.

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लड़की ने उसे खूब लटके झटके दिखाए लेकिन उस्मान भाई ने कोई ध्यान ही नहीं दिया।
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लड़की ने अपने सारे कपड़े उतार दिए और अगले पिछले ऊपर नीचे सब जगह के जलवे उस्मान भाई को दिखाए मगर मामला फिर भी नहीं जमा।
.

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जलभुनकर गुस्से में लड़की ने कहा कि,
मैं पास के तालाब में मरने जा रही हूँ।
.

.
फिर वो सचमुच जाकर तालाब में कूद गई।
.

उस्मान भाई भी उसके पीछे भागा और उसे बचाने के लिए तालाब में कूद गया।
.

तालाब के अंदर उस्मान भाई ने लड़की के साथ इतना धुंवांधार सेक्स किया कि लड़की के प्राण काँप गए।
.
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बाद में लड़की ने उस्मान भाई से पूछा कि
मैंने जब अपनी जवानी परोसी तब तुमने कुछ नहीं किया,
और
मैं जान देने तालाब में कूदी तो वहाँ तुमने मेरा कचूमर बना डाला,
क्यों ??

उस्मान भाई बोला---
" जी, दरअसल बात ये है कि, मुझे
छेद पानी में ही नजर आता है।
सारी जिंदगी पंचर जो बनाता रहा हूँ..!!! "

Pakya In Paris

2017-03-09T07:51:00.001-08:00

Pakya went to Paris and needed to get a pair of pants tailored urgently.

The only one available was a ladies tailor. So having no choice, an order was placed.

The next day Pakya goes over, gets the pants and tries them on....

The conversation between him and the tailor is somewhat like this:-

Tailor: Eez a good?

Pakya: Yes !

Tailor: Nice colour too...!

Pakya: Aye....

Tailor: Any probleem?

Pakya: Well you know the Eiffel Tower ?

Tailor: Oui Mons - who in Paris does not !

Pakya: You know the restaurant on top ?

Tailor: But of course... who does not !

Pakya: And the ballroom below that ?

Tailor: Mons - there is NO BALLROOM BELOW THAT...

Pakya: Ah... that is the SAME PROBLEM with THESE PANTS....

Looks Aren't Everything

2017-03-02T22:09:00.001-08:00

Looks are not everything... I agree!!!

But you cannot masturbate,
over someone's Nature...!!!

Parachute

2017-02-24T07:14:00.001-08:00

Teacher do u know how did the parachute get its name?

ans: a girl jumped out of the plane n her skirt went up, an indian saw up n said

kitna pyara-chut hai.

Teacher : bhag bhosdika!

Handsome Sardar

2017-02-08T22:31:00.001-08:00

Could not stop sending this....

Santa Singh stops his Mercedes at a traffic light.
A beautiful woman stops her BMW beside him.

Santa rolls down his window.
The woman also does the same.

The woman smiles at Santa.
Santa also smiles back and asks...

"Tussi vi paad maarya?"

Father's Words Of Wisdom

2017-02-08T08:47:00.001-08:00

A 89-year-old father from God's own country was dying.

The children gathered around his bed trying to make his last journey comfortable.

They tried giving him some warm milk to drink, but he refused it.

One of the sons took the glass back to the kitchen and remembering a
bottle of whiskey received as a gift the previous Christmas, he opened
it and poured a generous amount into the warm milk.

Back at father's bed, he held the glass to his father lips. Father drank a little.... Then a little more. Before they knew it, he had drunk the whole glass down to the last drop.

"Father," the son asked with earnest, "Please give us some wisdom
before you die."

Father raised himself up in bed & whispered,
"Don't sell that cow !"

Kodak Moment

2017-02-07T09:08:00.001-08:00

Teacher- what is Kodak moment?

Bengali- kal raat hum Sunny Leone ka bideo dekha..tab humko Kodak moment feel hua..ekdum Kodak hogaya sala.

7 Kinds of Sex

2017-01-10T08:30:00.001-08:00

Research shows that there are *7 kinds of sex.*

The 1st kind of sex is called *Smurf Sex.* This kind of sex happens when you first meet someone, and you have sex until you are blue in the face.

The 2nd kind of sex is called *Kitchen Sex* This is when you have been with your partner for a short time, and you are so needy you will have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.

The 3rd kind of sex is called *Bedroom Sex.* This is when you have been with your partner for a long time. You still have sex, occasionally, and if you do, you only have it in your bedroom.

The 4th kind of sex is called *Hallway Sex*. This is when you have been with your partner for too long. When you pass each other in the hallway, you both say, 'Fuck you!'

The 5th kind of sex is called *Religious Sex*. This means you get Nun in the morning, Nun in the afternoon and Nun at night (very popular).

The 6th kind is called *Courtroom Sex*. This is when you cannot stand your wife/ husband any more, he/she takes you to court and screws you in front of everyone.

And, last, but not least, the 7th kind of sex is called *Pension Sex*. You get a little each month, but not enough to enjoy yourself.

Cowboy Duel

2017-01-09T20:22:00.001-08:00

AN OLD MAN WALKED INTO TOWN AND TIED HIS OLD MULE TO THE HITCH RAIL. AS HE STOOD THERE,BRUSHING SOME OF THE DUST FROM HIS FACE AND CLOTHES, A YOUNG GUNSLINGER STEPPED OUT OF THE SALOON WITH A GUN IN ONE HAND AND A BOTTLE OF WHISKEY IN THE OTHER.

THE YOUNG GUNSLINGER LOOKED AT THE OLD MAN AND LAUGHED, SAYING,
"HEY, OLD MAN, HAVE YOU EVER DANCED?"

THE OLD MAN LOOKED UP AT THE GUNSLINGER AND SAID,
"NO, I NEVER DID DANCE... NEVER REALLY WANTED TO."

A CROWD HAD GATHERED AS THE GUNSLINGER GRINNED AND SAID, "WELL, YOU OLD GEEZER, YOU'RE GONNA DANCE NOW," AND STARTED SHOOTING AT THE OLD MAN'S FEET.

THE OLD PROSPECTOR - NOT WANTING TO GET HIS TOE BLOWN OFF - STARTED HOPPING AROUND.

EVERYBODY WAS LAUGHING. WHEN HIS LAST BULLET HAD BEEN FIRED, THE YOUNG GUNSLINGER,STILL LAUGHING, HOLSTERED HIS GUN AND TURNED AROUND TO GO BACK INTO THE SALOON.

THE OLD MAN TURNED TO HIS PACK MULE, PULLED OUT A DOUBLE-BARRELED SHOTGUN, AND COCKED BOTH HAMMERS.THE LOUD CLICKS CARRIED CLEARLY THROUGH THE DESERT AIR.

THE CROWD STOPPED LAUGHING IMMEDIATELY.

THE YOUNG GUNSLINGER HEARD THE SOUNDS TOO, AND HE TURNED AROUND VERY SLOWLY.

THE SILENCE WAS ALMOST DEAFENING. THE CROWD WATCHED AS THE YOUNG GUNMAN STARED AT THE OLD MAN AND THE LARGE GAPING HOLES OF THOSE TWIN GUN BARRELS.

THE BARRELS OF THE SHOTGUN NEVER WAVERED IN THE OLD MAN'S HANDS,

AS HE QUIETLY SAID, "SON, HAVE YOU EVER LICKED A MULE'S ASS?"

THE GUNSLINGER SWALLOWED HARD AND SAID, "NO SIR... BUT... I'VE ALWAYS WANTED TO."

THERE ARE A FEW LESSONS FOR US ALL HERE:
1 - Never be arrogant.
2 - Don't waste ammunition.
3 - Whiskey makes you think you're smarter than you are.
4 - Always, always make sure you know who has the power.
5 - Don't mess with old men; they didn't get old by being stupid.

Her First Date

2017-01-09T20:19:00.001-08:00

Jay Leno went into the audience to find the most embarrassing first date that a woman ever had.

The winner described her worst first date experience. There was absolutely no question as to why her tale took the prize!

She said it was midwinter...snowing and quite cold... and the guy had taken her skiing in the mountains outside Salt Lake City, Utah. It was a day trip (no overnight). They were strangers, after all, and had never met before.

The outing was fun but relatively uneventful, until they were headed home late that afternoon.

They were driving back down the mountain, when she gradually began to realize that she should not have had that extra latte!!

They were about an hour away from anywhere with a rest room and in the middle of nowhere!

Her companion suggested she try to hold it, which she did for a while.

Unfortunately, because of the heavy snow and slow going, there came a point where she told him that he had better stop and let her go beside the road, or it would be the front seat of his car.

They stopped and she quickly crawled out beside the car, yanked her pants down and started. In the deep snow she didn't have good footing, so she let her butt rest against the rear fender to steady herself. Her companion stood on the side of the car watching for traffic and indeed was a real gentleman and refrained from peeking. All she could think about was the relief she felt despite the rather embarrassing nature of the situation.

Upon finishing however, she soon became aware of another sensation. As she bent to pull up her pants, the young lady discovered her buttocks were firmly glued against the car's fender. Thoughts of tongues frozen to poles immediately came to mind as she attempted to disengage her flesh from the icy metal.

It was quickly apparent that she had a brand new problem,due to the extreme cold.

Horrified by her plight and yet aware of the humor of the moment, she answered her date's concerns about 'what is taking so long?' with a reply that indeed, she was 'freezing her butt off' and in need of some assistance!

He came around the car as she tried to cover herself with her sweater and then, as she looked imploringly into his eyes, he burst out laughing. She too, got the giggles and when they finally managed to compose themselves, they assessed her dilemma. Obviously, as hysterical as the situation was, they also were faced with a real problem.

Both agreed it would take something hot to free her chilly cheeks from the grip of the icy metal! Thinking about what had gotten her into the predicament in the first place, both quickly realized that there was only one way to get her free.

So, as she looked the other way, her first time date proceeded to unzip his pants and pee her butt off the fender.

As the audience screamed in laughter, she took the Tonight Show prize hands down. Or perhaps that should be 'pants down'. Jay Leno's comment... 'This gives a whole new meaning to being pissed off.'

Oh and how did the first date turn out? He became her husband and was sitting next to her on the Leno show.

Cure By Sex

2016-02-19T07:21:00.001-08:00

The pope is very ill, and nobody can cure him. The cardinals call in an old physician recommended to them. After an hour long examination, he comes up with a solution.

"I've got some good news and some bad news. The bad news: The pope has a rare testicular disorder. The good news: He can be cured..... with sex."

The cardinals, not happy with the cure, explain the situation to the pope.

"I'll agree to it," says the pope. "But under four conditions."

The cardinals are shocked.

"What are the four conditions?" asks one.

"First, the girl must be blind, so she cannot see with whom she is having sex.

"Second, she must be deaf, so she cannot hear with whom she is having sex.

"And third, she must be dumb, so if she somehow figures out with whom she is having sex, she can tell no one."

After a long pause, a cardinal asks, "And the fourth condition?"

Pope replies, "Big boobs."

Men will be men!

Man's Penis

2016-02-05T20:43:00.001-08:00

One million pound prize was offered to any university who could explain why the end of a mans penis is helmet shaped

The university of Cambridge concluded it was to give the man more pleasure.

The university of Oxford concluded it was to give the woman more pleasure.

The university of Punjab spent the afternoon in the pub and
Santa and Banta concluded it was to stop your hand from slipping off...

Farting Husband

2015-12-22T20:58:00.001-08:00

A couple had been happily married for years, the only friction in their marriage was the husbands habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke the noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air. Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor, she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out. The years went by and he continued to rip them out. Then one Christmas day morning, as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the innards, neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts, and a malicious thought came to her. She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling the bed covers back, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts. Sometime later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bath room. The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good. About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his blood stained underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter. He said, Honey you were right all these years you have warned me and I didn't listen to you. What do you mean? asked his wife. Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened, but by the grace of god, some Vaseline and two fingers. I think I got most of them back in...............