Momo's World

China 2026

2026-07-21T07:15:43.034-07:00

This summer Leena and Noah joined us to China

From Hong Kong to Beijing to Fuzhou to Wuyi mountain to my hometown!

"The War"

2026-07-08T09:00:15.790-07:00

The reason I couldn't continue contemplating and imagining my sci-fi novel, The War, has become obvious now: the world I thought was entirely a figment of my imagination is actually here. It isn't in some far-away galaxy, nor is it confined to non-carbon life forms or alien environments. It is right here, co-existing with our physical world. We have these beings and this existence right among us!

Therefore, what is the point of me imagining something we already have, rather than studying it thoroughly?

I guess the process of immersing myself in that imagination was a necessary step toward my spirituality. I was basically imagining the spiritual existence as "the other world," completely unaware that it has been here with us all this time...

Henceforth, I will focus more on learning about ourselves and exploring spirituality. The novel? Yes, I still want to write novels, but I need to form new stories in my mind that reflect my new state of mind and evolved imagination.

Here are the other blogs, besides this one, that I will be regularly updating:

A Woman Stuck on Earth (https://awomanstuckonearth.blogspot.com/): I want to keep writing my short stories, revelations, and realizations here, ready to share with everyone.
Journal on Spirituality (https://momosjournalonspirituality.blogspot.com/): I started this new blog as a digital journal to record my spiritual journey.
Ride (https://feimoyu.blogspot.com/): Sci-fi short stories, keep my novel writing going

The stalled and unfinishable project "The War" (https://thewar333.blogspot.com/)

The massage

2026-07-06T02:12:44.236-07:00

"My love, you are part of me; you come from me. I see myself with a million threads radiating from the center, each thread developing into different beings entangled and twirled around it—all parts of me. All of you are part of me, which is why I see you as myself, my children. I see you, I love you, and I am intrigued to see how you develop and transform on your own path, while remaining a part of me. That's why I do not feel jealousy or insecurity—because you are just me, on the path we are supposed to be on, encountering the beings we are supposed to encounter, all of which a part of me.

You know that these millions of threads coming from me—each expanding fully into different beings, whether bees, trees, or human lovers—are ultimately my illusion. I imagined all of this; I manifested it all.

Time and space do not exist in the way physical bodies on Earth understand them. There is no before and there is no after; there is only the presence, the now. There is no space, only unlimited universes—I could jump into any of them, choosing my own reality to live in for that moment, the now, because of something I need to learn.

And you know that, my love, you have your own center of consciousness creating your own millions of threads. I am part of your own creation and imagination. Maybe we could differentiate you from me, maybe not, because we are all just drops of water in the vast ocean, belonging to the One, the source. You are me, and I am you.

Do you know why I taste so sweet and why my body radiates and illuminates light, the likes of which have never been heard of? Because I am a Goddess, and I have always been manifesting in this way. Well, I am eternal consciousness essentially, but in this life, I have been awakened since the beginning—and awakened consciousness is the Goddess in female form. I manifested my awakening, my Goddessness, and that is why you can taste my essence, which is sweet, fluorescent, and full of light.

Do you enjoy my sensual talk of spirituality while receiving an oil massage from me?"

"Oh gosh, my whole body is melting! This feels sooooooo good! You have no idea... Gosh, I am flying..."

"Of course I have an idea, my love. You are from me, you are part of me, and you are creating my journey, my path. And do you know what makes you the strong and awakened consciousness like me? Your deeply grounded and rooted confidence inside. You believe that you are God, that you are the eternal consciousness, and that you deserve it all—whether it is the ability to choose your reality from unlimited universes, jumping from one to another simultaneously, or the ability to see time as an irrelevant element, where there is no before and no after, but only the presence and the now, hence no limitations, only eternity.

Do you feel confident inside? Do you feel that you deserve it all? Do you feel that you are so vast and so strong that you are the universe itself?"

"Yeeeeees...."

"Remember, I have told you a million times that I am never, ever going to hurt you, not even to make a scratch on the surface of what we have built on this Earth, right? Did you truly believe me? Now you know why I said what I said, right? I have always felt this way. He is also part of me; his thread unfolds in a very different way from yours, but that's just how I express myself differently. I am boundless and formless—I can be anything, right? In that way, he is you and you are him too, no? I am never going to hurt any of you, because you're all part of me. I am excited to see how your individual paths unfold and stretch out freely, intertwined sometimes, but never changing the fact that they come from me and are a part of me.

And you know that, in this universe, while your physical body and his exist in the same presence, he still has many journeys to go through. There are many vortexes that he needs to fall into and rise from—maybe yes, maybe no. It's all his own path, his own journey on Earth; he needs them all to rid himself of his insecurity, fear, and pride, no matter the flaws that he inherited; he needs to build his own fortress of confidence, assurance and strength hence to tell himself in assertion "I deserve all of it, because I'm made of unconditional love and I can only give unconditional love". I felt his presence as an eternal soul whenever I was making love with him, and most of the time when we fell into deep conversations. I know I am there already, as an awakened consciousness, and I know he will eventually come to join me to be the One, even though he still has so much to finish on Earth. The fact that I know he will come and join back with me after all of his necessary journeys here, makes me content and full of light; I am never worried, time is not linear.

Whilst you, my love, you have always been here. We have always been in each other's presence. Your eternal soul and mine, we have always been together since the beginning of everything, and we will last until the end of everything."

"Yaa, bb, I know. I never feel bad about it. I know sometimes I fall into a pit of jealousy for a little bit, but I always know that he has a pure and kind heart. I saw you making love in that meditation pool, I saw him lifting you up and pressing you against the wall, you were so beautiful together..."

"Yes, my love, because we are all part of the same being. And yes, I know that his consciousness is pure, and he is open and curious—that's why I could always feel his essence merged into mine when we made love. But I also always know that he has a loooooong way to walk for himself in this life on Earth; he has so much to figure out, to explore, and to understand on his own, and no one else can do it for him. I offered to always stand by and pour unconditional love into him, but having the capability and confidence to accept it, or not, all depends on his will and how his path unfolds. I am always here, you know. I am forever this being, this Goddess. I am only capable of giving unconditional love, because the highest existence of consciousness is unconditional love. And I have reached this place; I will remain here."

"Yes bb... my Goddess bb..."

"You feel good huh??!"

"Yaaaaaa...."

A little change of direction on the way forward

2026-06-23T16:34:08.488-07:00

Nate showed me what it truly means to experience love and lovemaking by constantly pouring his heart into me. I don’t think I ever believed this could happen - that a smart, attractive young man would suddenly show up in my life and decide to stay, dedicated solely to loving me, regardless of whatever social contracts or commitments I was already in.

I guess he saw right through me from the very beginning. He saw the authentic, genuine me hidden beneath all the layers of distraction, and with fierce, hot-headed determination, he wanted me and nothing else. He kept digging and digging until he finally dug me out.

Hence, here I am. After a full seven months of that, I don't think I am capable of going back to casual hookups with random guys who have no real affection for me. I simply can't go back to sex without lovemaking anymore.

The threesomes, foursomes, group sex, and beyond served their purpose for their time - they were a vital part of my journey toward sexual liberation. They actually played important roles in my life. I have absolutely nothing to regret there; I hold only good memories.

That said, I do still want to continue attending one-night-stand-style sex parties at various venues across different cities, or even continents, alongside the groups of couples who have become our great friends - like my Greek Goddess and God, Tomás and Kat. But as for threesomes with random single men? I no longer want to experience sex without affection. If single guys want to get into my pants, they will have to take their time building a genuine friendship with me. They will have to make the effort to win me over and allow us to fall in love.

Being in love has now become the baseline threshold for any other man to enter my life, and I have Nate to thank for that. From here on out, I’m going to be completely upfront with them.

This change of direction coincided beautifully with my entry into the gateway of spirituality. I am learning to become an animal communicator, and I have experienced what it truly feels like for consciousness to merge into the boundless One, during lovemaking. Because of this, I have started to view my body as a sacred temple - a space where my lovers come to worship and fill their hearts with love and happiness. From now on, I can only allow true worshipers inside. It is my beautiful, saintly, pure temple, with heavenly music playing within.

I don’t know how many worshipers will come to show their devotion and dedication to this temple of mine, and I don’t expect them to reside inside forever. But as I simply exist in calmness, I welcome them with an open heart and mind. Whomever possesses the will to show true devotion may enter, staying for whatever duration suits them best.

I am just existing - as the ground, as the earth, as the clouds, and as the sky. I am simply here, with my arms wide open in acceptance, ready with the endless love that I am capable of giving.

So lucky to be loved this much

2026-05-13T23:46:20.502-07:00

can't think about anything more that I could want in this world

to be truly adored, cherished, and cared for by the beautiful men I love

The 21-year-old and I

2026-05-05T17:16:00.000-07:00

Having a 21-year-old boyfriend, maybe the most significant difference between us is the amount of sleep we get. For him, it’s easily nine hours straight. For me, as I told him, "The last time I slept nine hours straight was when I had my gallbladder removed and the recovery followed. And that was a once-in-a-seven-year event since I entered adulthood (25+)." He laughed so hard and then went right ahead and had a good night (and morning)'s sleep.

Raj is planning to buy more diamond earrings, diamond belly rings, and diamond necklaces for me, his mom and sisters for Mother's Day. Meanwhile, my 21-year-old boyfriend just gave me some beautiful green stones as a gift and most likely we won't be celebrating Mother's Day together, even though he is closer to my kids by age than to me. It was his first time giving me a gift; I loved it, and Raj appreciated it. I told Raj, "Husband and boyfriend: different rocks, same love." Raj replied, "I appreciate it too - him always taking the time to make you happy." My young boyfriend does act and pay like a grown man when he takes me out on nighttime dates. 🥰

His favorite place has to be Harbin resort of natural hot springs. Nowadays, he goes there every weekend. He comes back to the Bay for "the most important event of the week" - our Monday solo date. Then the three of us do hot yoga together in Berkeley on Wednesdays, after which he heads back to Harbin for the rest of the week. He chills there, making friends with hippies, spiritual seekers, and the like. I'm very happy that he finally found a place that gives him a sense of belonging. After moving around as a child and feeling confused as a finance major during his Chicago undergrad, he is finally settling down a little and has made up his mind about where he wants to stay forever - the Bay Area.

He has made up his mind to unburden himself from the unrealistic expectation of becoming a corporate finance professional and instead follow his true passion to become a therapist; he finalized the Bay Area school where he would like to obtain his master's degree after finishing the 4th year undergrad in 2027; he figured out whether he would like to take the path of becoming a social worker for severely mentally ill prisoners or a conventional therapist with a Bay Area vibe; he is starting to make lifelong friends he enjoys spending his time with and learning from; he also met me - and all of that happened in Harbin, since November 2025. Of course, Harbin is his favorite place on Earth. Harbin is a historical and new hippie hub where most people soak in natural water naked, without inhibition, and deep in his soul, he is an old hippie who is incredibly talented at talking to people and dissecting their minds (maybe not always correct but he is only 21!)

My 21-year-old boyfriend told me that while they were in the natural spring water last weekend, his new friends - mostly older men in their late 30s, 40s, and 50s - were shocked to learn his age. They couldn't believe it and insisted that he was, in fact, 41 years old. I asked him, "Did you tell them you actually have a 41-year-old girlfriend?" Of course they wouldn't believe it; I was entirely deceived by his appearance and demeanor myself until it was too late. "I told you I don't have a kink for very young men/ boys!"

The dynamics between my 21-year-old boyfriend and me are incredibly "Bay Area" or Californian. We could both be categorized as bisexual, but in the sense of having physical intimacy with the same sex without the emotional connection. We both consider ourselves "in a sense non-binary" because of the boy inside of me and the girl inside of him. "So deep down, you're a little boy who loves me, the little girl, huh?" "Yeah!" I agreed. With all these dynamics, the unlimited possibilities for physical intimacy are beyond an ordinary person's imagination. On two completely separate occasions, separated by years and states, we picked out the exact same green-stone earrings. That's how weirdly similar we are. And he wore those beautiful dangling green-stone earrings the whole day, before I showed him mine later via text.

In both of our beliefs, we were both dolphins many lifetimes ago, and we always swam and played together in the same oceans. We don't care whether them dolphins were male, female, or non-binary; we just know that them dolphins were smart, kind, and extremely playful! We were connected to mother Earth in a fundamental way, we have always been and we will forever be!🐬🐬

No time to log 😅

2026-05-01T23:37:00.000-07:00

Guess all those extracurricular activities do take up all of my time; I couldn't spare even half an hour since my last blog entry.

Pole dancing, hot yoga, rock bands, school volunteering, "dating" my pre-teen kids, sex parties, 21 y/o boyfriend...

Life is too interesting for this 41 y/o woman, huh? 😊😅

Almost summer

2026-03-18T11:06:00.000-07:00

so warm already, feels like summer

when color deepens and love blossoms

we've, collectively, decided

to pocket all that joy and happiness

in spite of what we were taught to feel since birth

like once-caged but now-free birds

the world to us is new

Our world

2026-02-25T10:28:00.000-08:00

We refuse to be limited by norms or labels.

We are making up our own rules

on our own journey of exploration and adventure.

This is our life:

we proudly stand by what we believe in.

And we believe in Love. 💖🌈

Keep on dancing

2026-02-19T16:26:00.000-08:00

California sunshine

Nate is 21 years old. He finished his third year at a private Catholic university in July 2025 and is currently taking a gap year to travel, explore where he might want to settle down, and discover himself. After this summer, he will return to the Midwest to complete his fourth year and plans to start working in 2027. (Drafted this part sometime before, and the situation has become that Nate is now working with one of the promising AI startups in our circle, office in Palo Alto. And he said he has realized that California is home, he wants to settle down in San Francisco eventually. )

Nate is a good person - a responsible and caring son and brother. He is sensible, sensitive, attentive, and charismatic. I think it’s safe to say he had a wonderful upbringing, which is evident in his manners, his attitude toward relationships, and his excellent taste in music, movies, and contemporary culture. Even though he attended a private Catholic high school and university, his upbringing was secular. His parents are not religious (growing up in the Bay Area, of course), while he is on his own journey of seeking God and spirituality, or as he calls it, the "source."

What happened was we just met like that in Harbin, in one of the hottest pools, while we were enjoying natural hot springs in the nude. We came to Harbin with a bunch of lifestyle friends that day, November 7th, 2025. Nate came by himself as his paternal grandpa's funeral in San Jose was delayed by a week.

It was evening, the sun was setting fast. Our friends were still arriving, and Raj was fetching something from our cabin. As I walked into the small hot pool alone, I overheard a conversation and replied to an older man - I’m not sure why I used the word "tripping."

Right after I got comfortable and leaned against the pool wall, Nate turned to me and asked, "Tripping, you said?"

A younger but very mature, handsome man, I thought. In his 30s, maybe 40s? I’m not that familiar with white men and their ages, but I can certainly reply to him; he has such an attractive, soothing, deep voice.

I’m pretty sure the same thought crossed Nate's mind:

An older, but not that old, young woman in her 30s, maybe late 20s. I can definitely talk to her.

Actually, we talked about this during our first time at Yoshi’s. I think he asked why I had spoken to him in the pool. I forgot my exact answer, but it must have been, "Well, why not? You’re a handsome young man!" Then I asked, "Why did you talk to me?"

He replied, "Do you have any idea how hot you are? You are sooooo fucking hot! The whole time, I was hoping to have sex with you. It was like a dream come true."

Since we met, Nate and I have been chatting and trying to meet up, both in groups and solo. We are naturally attracted to each other - very much so - drawn to each other's energy, physiology, personalities, and the experiences that made us who we are.

Both of us are extremely open; we say whatever we want and express our feelings exactly as they are. I often tell him, "I'm really attracted to you," or "You're so hot/cute," and he never hesitates to say the same.

I told Nate from the very beginning, "I thought our last meetup would be the last time." Until maybe the seventh or eighth time we met, I truly believed things would abruptly end. Ending encounters with single men has become the norm for me over the past few years, somehow.

"So far, I’ve never seen a single guy more than five times," I told him. "It is what it is. It's nobody's fault or intention; people just get busy with their own lives. Most importantly, single guys often just want to taste a little bit of everything and move on. I will never be their destination."

To this, Nate would always reply, "But you don't think we are over, do you? I don't want us to be over, not yet."

I truly cherish what we have - the understanding and the connection we’ve built. It is true that Nate is currently at a - to use his own words - "commission-free" stage of life, which is perhaps why he has stuck around longer than the others, with much more free time to spare. (Also drafted this part before he secured the startup intern/ full time job. Now he's busy working.)

Because I’ve been so close to him over the past three and a half months, I have experienced everything I once wanted with "my guy," but a hundred times better than I could have ever imagined. Nate is an absolutely incredible lover in that sense. Because of him, I am now completely over "that guy"; those feelings of "being in love" have receded into a distant, faint memory. I told Nate this and thanked him for it.

The woman without expectations

I never doubted my ability to build meaningful romantic relationships with people from any walk of life or age range. A 21-year-old with me, a 41-year-old? It has never once triggered a moment of questioning or hesitation in my mind - not even once.

Nate and I are naturally a great couple, requiring little effort. We are both inquisitive and eager to learn; we would both die for novel experiences and allow ourselves to be vulnerable - even "dumb" - when facing the unknown. We are both wild and free-spirited, leading lives without regrets. We share so many interests: we love to travel, to write, and to experience music and theater. We both absolutely adore places like Harbin that encourage nudity in natural spring waters. We share the exact same feeling of being "aliens" in this world, and we agree on how often the world proves to be a disappointment. We are both extremely sensitive and can sense our environment with a sort of "sixth sense." We connect deeply through our conversations and an intellectual exchange of minds in a way most people couldn't.

"If I were younger and without other commitments, I could be with you like this for days and nights. We would have non-stop sex and fun. We are so cute together, no?" I told him this once after spending a few hours together, chatting in a sun-drenched park, walking through the Hayward city center, holding hands, and sharing a little "sexy time" in my car.

"Oh, thank God you think that way," he replied. "I don't want to be the only person who feels this way about our relationship."

But as my relationship with Nate grew, and as our understanding and trust broadened, I realized I couldn't move forward without setting a timer for this romantic encounter because of his age.

I find myself always returning to the exact same idea: he does not, in any sense, belong to me. Yes, I am 100% capable, but it would be terribly wrong to keep him - to lock him in, or chain him down, whatever the words. It's all an experience with a time limit, both for me and for him. Beyond that, we don't belong together, even though he is single.

The first time we met, I thought that was it - another one-time thing. The second time we played, I thought that was it: two times was the charm. The third time we played solo, I thought, yeah, it's about time, maybe I should say goodbye now. I tried; I tried marking lines, clarifying expectations ("friends only" in the long term), and pushing him away. But we haven't succeeded at any of that. He always comes back, and I do, too. If we haven't met in person for a while, we both become very sad and miss each other.

At this point, I simply don't know where we will be next month or next year. I make no commitment to him, and I set no expectations. One thing that remains unchanged is that I know I have a timer set on our relationship. I don't know when it will end, but I know it will.

"When you are ready for a family like you've always dreamed of, most probably you would find a woman to give you that through a monogamous relationship," I told him. "Just please let me know then, and don't hide anything from me. I would never stand in your way because I would hate to hurt another woman."

"I hope I would never need to make such choices," he replied. "Whew, what a tough night for Nate!"

The husband

I don’t know how I got so lucky to have a husband like Raj. He supports me in all of my endeavors and wants me to live life on my own terms; he wants me to experience everything I desire. He never gets jealous; instead, he helps me plan my dates with other men and acts as my most loyal bodyguard.

But Raj would never want to "open up" our relationship, evading even the slightest risk of losing me. Since he is so adamant about it - as if the only thing that matters in his life is keeping our relationship closed - I couldn’t help but respect that.

So, this is us: exploring polyamorous-style activities without actually being in the poly scene.

In the end, we are all just "aliens" trying to make sense of a disappointing world by creating our own small, private pockets of joy.

I look at Nate and see a man discovering his "source," and I realize my role isn't to be his destination, but his most vivid chapter. One day, he will seek the monogamy he dreams of, and I will be the one to gently close the door so he can open a new one. It isn’t a tragedy; it’s a tribute.

I don't need a map for where we are going, because my compass always points back to Raj. We exist in this strange, shimmering loophole - a place where I can be wild with Nate, yet safely held by the man who would never let me go.

For now, the timer is ticking, but the music is still playing, and I’ve decided to keep dancing until the room goes quiet.

I Am Done

2026-01-26T22:25:00.000-08:00

#FuckICE #FuckTrump

Two months

2026-01-07T10:54:00.000-08:00

"Feels like we tumbled inside Yoshi's, kissed there the entire time when music played on stage, tumbled out and mesmerized to watch trains passing by, isn't it?"

"Yes! And that two times!"

"We had a great two months together, didn't we, Nate?"

"Yes, we had a great two months together... Baby, you're so beautiful, I'm so attracted to you..."

"Same here... Baby, you're so hot, I am so attracted to you too... Can't believe we just met like that in Harbin, in the hot spring water. All of a sudden, you were dropped from heaven, right in front of my eyes. Everything happened like an explosion, what a dream..."

"Thank you for talking to me in the water and letting everything happen, baby... I wanted you so much, I'm so grateful for you, oh Momo, thank you for giving me all of this... Our sex is so extremely good, no? You're so special, I respect and admire you so much, Momo, I look up to you..."

"Oh gosh, the sex, sooo good.... This is so beautiful, baby, you're so special too... We are so beautiful together, at this space, at this time... We are so lucky... Thank you for being here with me, Nate. I'll remember this forever. I'll always remember you and the bling bling I put on your face, your ears, oh gosh, you're so hot... Under the neon light of my dressing room, you stood there with the earring on your right side, a free spirit, a wild soul, so beautiful... I'll always remember the music that connects us, and our moments that are so beautiful and sweet, taste like teenage spring rain..."

"Oh gosh, I loved it when you came up to me and whispered in my ear that you would remember this moment forever... It felt like the first time I ever kissed, nothing else but us existed at that moment, in our corner at Yoshi's... My soul likes your soul, baby."

"My soul likes your soul, baby. And I'm so proud of you, Nate, I want you to take good care of yourself, okay?"

"I am so proud of you, too, Momo. You also will take care of yourself, okay?"

"I'll miss you..."

"I'll miss you too..."

The faces of The Bay Area

2026-01-01T23:52:00.000-08:00

What a year, 2025.

One friend asked,

"What are the most excellent decisions you made in 2025?"

Without a doubt, I replied,

"I think all the decisions were excellent, big or small.

I had only fun and zero regret!"

*Body Count

And yes, most of them stay as "body count".

Some of them would turn into beautiful memories,

eventually, long or short.

Very rarely,

only a few of them have the potential to make a profound friendship with,

even some companionship.

Snow is here

2025-12-24T15:20:00.000-08:00

The arrival of the snow was delayed by a day, but it is finally here. As I sat mesmerized by the rapidly accumulating white scene outside the Airbnb window, the simple act of snowfall felt novel to me, like a miracle - even though I grew up with it.

It is the same way I feel about life. I have been alive for so long now, yet the sense of astonishment and novelty regarding how my life unfolds has prevailed. But there is no instruction booklet to guide me, only a great deal of noise. At the end of the day, everyone experiences existence in their own unique way.

I imagine my path might be frightening for others to watch, yet that dose of fear has never quite managed to reach me. For a conscientious human being, isn't every move intentional? Aren't the matters that crumble before us simply the ripple effects of our past actions? Accumulating like the snow that keeps falling.

If I have never followed established guidelines or existing moral compasses, how do I distinguish "right" from "wrong" - knowing, as I do, that these are merely social constructs that exist only for a fleeting moment?

Strangely, I have never felt the need to ask myself that question - just as I never inquired why I am here to experience the fresh snow. "Pure luck," most people would conclude. I do not disagree.

I am built as a being of openness, receptive to the goodness of the universe. I was born to believe and to receive, just as the earth receives snowfall unconditionally. If there is one thing I am certain of, it is this: I am not capable of hurting the beings around me.

I have become much more ready to let people in, even before I can see through their energy and intentions. The experiences of the past few years have prepared me well to let people pass through me, leaving no harm, only tasty memories. But they only pass through; they don't really stay, do they? Layers of white will form on treetops, on roofs, and on the winding pathways around the big redwoods. They, too, will soon disappear.

I can't deny that I'm still confused. I am confused by living in a world designed to keep me inside a laced box; I am confused about exactly where I stand and what it is that I want. I thought I was a free spirit, capable of stretching out and establishing connections; I thought I was free to extend my arms and embrace whatever beauty was in front of me. I thought I could fall from the sky like snowflakes, without a purpose or a sense of direction.

But I am not that free after all, am I?

If I possess neither freedom, nor wits, nor wisdom, then what do I have? I have been asking myself this question a lot lately. As I watched the twirling snowflakes, destined to be earthbound, I found a sense of relief.

"Ah! Here we are again!"

Time. It is time. I do not possess it - the concept of time is naturally at odds with the concept of possession. It is simply part of my existence at this moment - assuming I am one of the extremely lucky ones. I wish to extend and stretch, to embrace and simply be - not horizontally, not vertically, but within time.

I look back at the window, watching the white blur against the redwoods. I may not be free, and I may not have a map, but I am present. And for now, that is enough.

Paolo Nutini · These Streets

2025 🥰😍

2025-12-13T17:08:00.000-08:00

My facial expression for 2025 ⇊

Another fabulous year 🥰😊

A normal day with Raj

2025-12-08T16:03:00.000-08:00

Still here

2025-12-07T23:30:00.000-08:00

I am still here. I know I have not updated my blog for more than a month now. But ya, I am still here, enjoying life. All that time got squeezed out because of new connections and new adventures.

It is what I am supposed to do, no?

I am forever changing, forever expanding, and forever evolving.

I am bonded by no direction, no rules, and no destination.

I am no one, yet I am every one.

I am the poet, and I am the prostitute.

I am the smoker, and I am the dancer.

I am the mother, and I am the son.

I am the musician, and I am the magician.

I am the bird, and I am the rainbow.

I am the wind, and I am the rain.

I am the stone, and I am the river.

I am the songs that were sung and forgotten.

I am the lyrics that bled and fled.

I am the moon that is trapped in a monsoon.

I am the dust that has never failed to last.

I am the invisible bond.

I am the connection.

I am love in its purest form.

I am energy with a face that you can draw.

I am the future.

I am the past.

I am the present.

I am the inevitable.

I am sadness in the happiest smile.

I am satisfaction in the faraway galaxy.

I am colored feather that flies thousands of miles.

I am deep-sea turtle who never forgets the way back.

I am time,

and I am stretched.

I am space,

but I am bent.

I am nothing, yet I am everything.

I am calm.

I am peace.

I am life.

And I am I.

The stories of us

2025-11-03T22:18:00.000-08:00

Updated profile

2025-11-01T22:42:00.000-07:00

Autumn 🍂🍃

2025-10-28T12:23:00.000-07:00

Just like that, I am healed.

Surrounded by friends who care and love, I am healed.

Heart can be torn, it can ache, it can bleed.

But it will also become whole again.

I call them

"My Greek Goddess and My Greek God"

The primary group

2025-10-17T01:05:00.000-07:00

Of course, it left some marks on me. I'm now genuinely scared. I'm scared to feel too much, and I sometimes find that I force myself to turn my head away. I wasn't much more open about my feelings before this; I'm used to hiding behind glass masks. This world is built on cruel ground; you learn to harden along the way.

Then I guess I was indeed hurt. I'd pretend I wasn't. I pretended it was nothing, or that it was supposed to be like this. But the feeling of wanting something or someone in such a pure, earnest, and powerless way, but not being wanted back with the same intensity - no, far from it - is extremely painful. It was as real as it could get for me. As a consequence, I now subconsciously force myself not to lose my guard or let go.

I can't. I'm scared. I won't. I don't want to allow myself to feel too much anymore. Even if I were to get lost in the sudden bombs of intimacy and its aftermath, I wish to pull myself away as soon as the option becomes possible to me. I don't feel safe to expand my tentacles of feelings and grant my trust to people so easily anymore.

I am so vulnerable.

Lost in the steel and concrete structures, where most people choose to shield themselves so they won't need to feel, I am out of place.

Then I suddenly got my group of friends. My girl crush is most probably going to go through a breakup soon. Teacher Li went through a pretty bad heartbreak half a year ago. I told them we should have made this "breakup/heartbreak help plan" a long time ago because I "fell in love with a playmate" last eight or nine months, and without you guys being there for me, I was often crying myself to sleep. Aren't we Chinese too soft and too ready to fall in love or be in relationships???

Now we've established the "breakup/heartbreak help plan" in our group: whenever one of us is going through something like that, we make sure to take them out for food, have a ride in the Miata, sing on the beach, and enjoy karaoke together. Crying or getting drunk by oneself is dangerous and unhealthy; we will cry and laugh together.

And we just realized my 14-year best friend Sandra and my girl crush are both Miata fans. I sent Sandra photos of the friends who are coming to Sunday dinner, and she immediately recognized that my girl crush has a Miata. I had no idea. These two Chinese Miata fans must be the rarest creatures in the Miata community, and I am so glad that they found each other through me. I expect hours of nonstop Miata talks between the two.

Just like that, my heart felt full.

I'm still scared, and I still suppress most of my feelings and emotions so as not to get hurt, but laughing at the jokes we crack throughout the day makes my heart full. More than that, knowing I now have a group of friends I can talk freely with about everything and anything, and who care for me as intensely as I care for them, makes my heart truly full.

It makes me strong.

They make me strong.

Girl Crush

2025-10-15T18:59:00.000-07:00

I met her at the event commemorating June 4th. I was singing with "Teacher Li." She came forward to talk to me afterwards. I was wearing a mask; she didn't. Oh my gosh, she was so handsome. Her hair was dyed yellow, and she had an attractive face with sharp yet soft features. My heart jumped a little, and I was thinking in my mind, "I could totally kiss this girl and go down on her." That was the first time ever that I felt this way for a woman. I had had sex with dozens of women by then. Women had kissed me, eaten me out, even fucked me with a strapon. I had kissed women on their lips, chests, and caressed all over their bodies, but had not yet progressed into eating them out.

Therefore, after I met my girl crush, I officially announced myself as "bi." I updated my bio on social media mainly for her to see, hoping that she liked girls too.

As a small aside, the night I met my girl crush was the same night I played with "my guy." I rushed to the Oakland hotel after my little music performance in SF. For the next few months, I was thrown off my track because of being "in love" with "my guy," not knowing that it was probably the last time I would ever see him, no matter how much I wanted him to be in my life. What I didn't realize was that a different person - who would become important in my life in a much more profound and impactful way - appeared on the same night.

My girl crush wanted to join us to form a band. Since then, she, Teacher Li, Ginger, and two or three other girls have been practicing music, irregularly, in my house. Our band group chat on Signal has always been active, as we try to find ways to meet each other. One day, I started talking about sexual liberty. Then one thing led to another: Khajuraho, religious suppression, feminism, patriarchy, and lifestyle. I was feeling very passionate about it and sharing it all with my Chinese bandmates. We talked about how and why people in the Bay Area were so open about sexuality, and my girl crush let us know she was a part of the same community. She then separately sent me messages telling me she was gender queer and poly. She goes to ABCD (all but cis dudes) sex parties. I told her I wanted to go with her one day.

I think by then our liking for each other was pretty obvious. We always look at each other deep in the eyes and smile sweetly. She was always willing to talk to me and be open. I felt very comfortable with her. Although I totally suck at flirting, I tried my best to express my feelings and emotions in the group chat, making sure I "heart" her content all the time and replied to her messages with diligence and care.

On Monday night, we met at Ginger's house. The moment my girl crush arrived there, she announced to us all that she had just gotten a piercing on her clitoris. Later, she also opened up to me about the tough situation she and her partner were facing. She used to be poly - still poly at the core - but now only has this one partner. The problem is that the partner gets jealous and is not willing to grant freedom to her while she enjoys all the freedom. I have been following up with my girl crush, offering encouragement to sort out equality and mutual respect in the relationship, because that's the only way any relationship could last.

Oh, Monday night, we had so much laughter that my stomach was literally cramping and in pain. The three feminists were trying to explain feminism and patriarchy to "Teacher Li," who still believes in "love at first sight," "true love," and the bullshit idea that "men should protect women because men are stronger, women are weaker." "Teacher Li" thought the clitoris piercing was a new birth control method, and he had no idea how to make women cum!

So now, we are looking forward to: first, more regular band practices and performances; second, my joining my girl crush in one of the ABCD sex parties, after she sorts out the relationship with her partner, most probably I would finally get to kiss her, and go down on her, getting my first "eating out" experience, with a beautiful pussy in piercing; and third, but most excitingly, some of us want to find a time to cram into her tiny cool car and ride off in the wild!

A new chapter

2025-10-13T13:36:00.000-07:00

It may have been worth my time and emotions, or maybe not. Whatever happened, I have no regrets, and I don't look back. Perhaps it was something I had to go through - some unfinished business with my first love. Whatever it was, that chapter has now closed.

Finally, I am entering a new one.

In this new chapter, I'm determined to live a life free of the curse of binary doctrine that the churches, kingdoms, regimes, and male dictators have set up and imposed on us for thousands of years. In this new chapter, I'm redefining love and relationships for myself and searching for them, following my innate feminine calling.

Love, profound connections, and even romantic relationships exist everywhere you encounter human beings. In its most prominent form, it is friendship. What do Raj and I have? I think the most precise definition is friendship, especially since sexuality is no longer a restricted practice we preserve only for ourselves. Yes, at the core of the relationship between Raj and me is friendship.

Most likely, within my lifetime, I won't be able to build something as grand, deep, and solid with anyone other than Raj, simply because of the limitations on energy and time we face. But each connection and relationship can have its own jewels, and I am open to that. I'm open to countless friendships with people I collect along the way.

The people should freely fall somewhere, anywhere, on the spectrum regarding their sexual, political, and philosophical identities, and our friendships should as well. Everything is a spectrum - nature, and the beings that reside in nature should all be fluid. My mind is not going to be restricted and limited by the binary imagination anymore.

What's binary? Men vs. women, masculine power vs. anti-masculine power. While men are the masters of the social structure they constructed, all the other things and beings, including women, are possessions of men. Only by possessing women can men ensure the reproduction process is controlled, allowing them to retain property and material wealth through their own bloodline.

Since when have humans become such pathetic beings? Degradingly pathetic.

But I also openly let Raj know that, as I enter this new chapter, I look forward to establishing relationships on my own terms and exploring my innate feminine powers in my own way. You are welcome to accept me and join me, but if you can't move along with me - out of the old, stale binary world into the world of spectrums and love - I am afraid that one day I won't be able to find my connection to you back in there.

And of course, Raj has already been waving his thongs on a pole stick, having his giant dark cock out, rooting down somewhere middle in the arched rainbow, waiting for me.

Bird

2025-10-08T12:12:00.000-07:00

not able to fix my forms

struggling to escape the storms

thrown in constant transforms

always find myself in tiny new swarms

reality is a thunderstorm

we all are alone on the center platform

try my best to not conform

all I long for is be kept warm

donnaxtine · I'm Like a Bird - Nelly Furtado (Cover)

A message to the team

2025-10-03T17:31:00.000-07:00

We had a fabulous night experiencing rope and BDSM kink in a workshop format! I really enjoyed being tied up; the process is utterly sensual to me. Raj was instantly turned on by learning to tie me up and by exhibiting that he was capable of this skill and could be creative too; seeing my partner being turned on while working on me also turned me on. Later on, I suddenly recalled that when I was much younger, I was sometimes fascinated and aroused by the thought of being tied up in Shibari style, or the thought of BDSM, but I never had the time or opportunity to explore. Life then got really busy with kids. Also, I enjoyed the process last night because I had two guys working on me together; I was comfortably supported and cared for while being slowly restrained. (I believe that, in Japan, when high-class individuals engaged in rope play, they often had assistance.) We ended up having a threesome with me restrained. I think Raj and I have finally reached a point where we are mature enough to understand and delve deeper into this art, using it to add much more pleasure and excitement to our journey.

Let me tell Tomás the story of our recent Vegas trip. We started microdosing before we even arrived, and we basically tripped for 48 hours nonstop. We had a five-person orgy the first night. Side story: from Feeld we got this gorgeous couple in their late 50s and a young single guy to join us in our hotel room. The woman was so intelligent and experienced, very open and kind to include me and teach me too. I had a great time partnering with, pleasuring, learning from, and exchanging thoughts with her. The two guys, although they claimed to be in the lifestyle for years, were not used to group play or an MFM threesome and they were so nervous. Luckily, Raj took up the challenge and made up for the other guys; he made the woman very happy. In fact, the guys continuously worked on me and kept me warm. Even though they were too shocked to perform, they continuously showed their sincere amazement and appreciation for me, which was quite enjoyable too. I think local Vegas people are way less wild than people in the Bay Area. While for us, sex is as natural as dining out with friends, we are used to all kinds of situations. After 4-5 hours of play in the room, we also sat with the couple in the bar downstairs and chatted with them for hours. Raj and I were tripping so hard, we were sharing some of our crazy stories and laughing nonstop; the couple also tripped with us because of how much we were giggling.

During the 48 hours of tripping in Vegas, we had great sex - with ourselves and with new people. We visited many bars, enjoyed a concert at the beach club, danced a lot in the nightclub, went to multiple sex clubs throughout the day, and enjoyed nudity and sex in the open. Side story: In one of the sex clubs, there were separate rooms with closed doors for couples to have sex. Couples looking for a threesome or group play would pick the single guys or couples and take them into private rooms. I demanded the two single guys who approached me have sex with me on the open bed, but they couldn't do it because people came to watch. I realized not many people in the world are used to what we do here on a regular basis, and I found that quite funny.

Due to the effect of consistent microdosing and stimulation, the craving for sex was building up in me. By the 35th hour or so, I already had four incredible orgasms while music turned into flying visual notes and dancing neon lights that waved their way from the dark abyss of space into my brain. But I wanted more. I was feeling that the entirety of my sex organ had turned into a 100-petaled flower that was on the verge of blooming; each petal had its own color, shape, texture, rhythm, and story. Then, after we got back from hours of dancing, around 4 a.m. in our Vegas hotel room, Raj fucked me again, and I felt my flower was blooming in the freest style I could imagine. And I suddenly found myself inside the body of a woman with a different demeanor: I started to speak - like in porn! Words just started bubbling out from me, and I was expressing wildly: "Yeah, yeah, yeah, baby, so biiiig... I love your big cock! Fill me up, please... oh this feels so goooood...don't stop..." I have always been nonverbal during sex; therefore, this was an out-of-body experience for me.

I believe that was definitely a new high for me, one I can only reach under extreme circumstances. But I want to recreate and relive that. I want to experience that level of excitement when I could naturally open up, even to the point of being able to speak during sex. The truth is, born and raised in today's world that's designed and constructed by men, I have never learned to tap into my innate feminine power. We have no idea what defines it, what it does, or how far-reaching and powerful it could be. Everything that exists in my world is seen through male perspectives and is a product of that, be it arts, social norms and constructs, politics, economics, philosophy, education, technology, and most strikingly, sexuality, emotions, and language/expression. So far, I only know that feminine energy craves connections - deep connections with the land and all the living things on it - and that we crave and thrive on deep connections with people around us.

Since today's world - and the direction humans (men) have taken - doesn't resemble a time when feminine energy exhibits its equal power, I don't intend to approach things aiming for a change. (I think it's way too late; I'm actually writing a sci-fi novel about it.) In fact, no need to mention "equal power"; we are practically non-existent, nonverbal, intentionally wiped out, and we don't have the remotest imagination for what a world built upon our energy could look like. I now just want to exist and live on my own terms, trying to ask questions about the existing concepts and underlying rules, and seek the truth within myself in spite of what we have been indoctrinated since birth. So yeah, rebuilding my own sexuality is one of the things I would love to continuously do; I believe it defines me in a fundamental way. And I am ultimately grateful for the open-minded and kind people in my life who support me in this pursuit; I will also be their strongest support in their journeys.

The reason I'm writing all of the above is that I realized (and Raj and I both feel the same way), this journey is much more fun with more people; MFM is always at the top of our list. Also, I found myself completely swept away by Tomás's style of sensual play and lovemaking. We played with guys who were highly skilled at sensual play, but I never felt this way before. I even feel that Tomás's style is tailor-made for me. And I thank both of you for being so open and communicative, which made me feel encouraged to be open with you. I hope this is okay with you both.

What if I tell you some things I'm excited about doing together with you two?

A private room threesome, for sure! Also, nature and semi-public spaces - hot springs, sex clubs, beaches, you name it! I want to explore more Shibari and BDSM, but I will always prefer two guys with me on it. I want to go listen to live music with you two too. Music is something extremely sensual to me; it turns me on right away and feeds me all kinds of feelings and emotions. I'd love to enjoy some live shows with you both, like jazz at Yoshi's, and then go back to a hotel room. I'd love to go with you two next Thursday for the show; let's confirm it in the next day or two. I think as we play more, my naughty list will surely grow. I hope you guys can handle it!