I love …

Calling my dogs Dustmop and Applehead. For the blog and Twitter only, of course. Satellite radio – which I need to get. The GF has it and it is wonderful. Getting packages in the mail. Buying new books. Finding money in my pockets. Getting magazines in the mail. The residents where I work. Even the ones I don’t so much *like*. Dustmop & Applehead’s new collars. The way my GF looks at me when she thinks I’m not looking. The way her hands feel when she holds mine. (She’ll probably wanna pound me for saying this but) the cap that she wears to keep her hair from going awry. When someone uses a word that I have to look up. New sheets for my bed. My new perfume: Heat by Beyonce. Arguing – er, discussing things with people with whom I don’t agree in the slightest. Possibly because I like to see them turn purple. That people at the party I went to this weekend told me that I “had a nice singing voice.” It’s a damned lie and the only time anyone has said that to me EVER which is probably why I liked it. Or perhaps it wasn’t a lie and the entire group was hearing challenged. Brushing Dustmop every day. That Applehead is learning to at least tolerate, if not enjoy, being brushed now that she sees Dustmop diggin’ it. Seeing Applehead play with Dustmop and also how when she has had enough, Applehead bites Dustmop. Sadistic, I know. Facebook comments from my sister. That my nephew still lets me hug and kiss him – even if his buddies are around. Seeing my niece become a remarkably cool girl. The feeling that you can only have after a long day at the beach – when I’m tired but completely calm and relaxed. That ONLY happens to me – that particular feeling – if I’m been at Lake Michigan. 15 minutes is all it really takes, but no other lake, not even another Great Lake, will do. Really old sharp Cheddar cheese – old enough that you can feel the salt grains with your teeth. Getting blog comments. (Shameless, aren’t I?) That I can tweet from my phone even if I don’t have time to do it much. That, thanks to the internet, I have friends I would never have met otherwise. When my girlfriend calls me “bae” (as in short for “baby”). Barbecue from places I am taking my life into my hands by going there – both because of the neighborhood and possibly the health practices of the kitchen staff. Waking up and realizing that it’s Saturday and I can go back to sleep. (Although now I can’t because Dustmop wakes up and that’s all she wrote. There has to be a walk, some breakfast, playtime, another walk and a bathroom break. But THEN I can return to bed. For a few minutes at least. Before Dustmop gets into something.) The Big Bang Theory. (the TV show that is. Though I believe that science and Christianity are fully compatible and that, honestly, the world probably did begin with a big bang, I sorta like the creation myth in the Bible. So there. HOWEVER, don’t try to teach that as actual scientific fact in a classroom or I’ll blow a gasket.) BLTs. Currently my fave sandwich. Too bad I don’t have any of Kaitlin’s fresh tomatoes or I’d make one as I have very good bacon in the fridge. Greek yogurt. Viva paper towels. My cloth towels that say “I’m not a paper towel.” The white woven bag I got for $3 on clearance because it’s the end of the year.

What do you love? If you write a love list of your own, please leave me a link to it, okay? And if you don’t have a blog (*ahem* Cindy!) start one! Or leave the list here.

My twitter friend, Beelisty tweeted a link to this bit of Facebook fabulousness

Now I have so much inspiration for possible additions to the Butch Swoon List!

Also, my butches and femmes: nominate your favorite butches! I have one in the works and one promised nomination, then it’s all up to me, so send me your favorite butches. The real life ones, the ones who don’t show up on the Top 100 Butches list, the ones who make your heart smile and maybe your Girl Bits melty. Share the love, darlings! Just send an email with all the info to femmefairygodmother @ gmail.com. And don’t forget to choose a song!

Also, there was a facebook thing about 44 Odd Things. I couldn’t get Facebook to cooperate with me that day and I didn’t want to rewrite the whole doggone thing, so perhaps this will assuage those of you who belly-ached about my lack of a 44 OT post.

So, anyway, these are 33 Things I Have Never Told You. Or at least most of you. Some of you know too damn much about me and I doubt I could *find* 33 things you don’t know. For the rest of you ….

1. I have no idea what I want to do professionally. Really, I have worked enough, so far as I’m concerned, and I’d like to stop but it will be 20+ years before that happens. I used to love being a fund raiser but I got sick of nonprofits. I’m doing well in my job – well, enough that the owner of the company commented on it when he met me last week. We have 40 branches in 5 states so I just met him for the first time last week. Anyway, I’ve increased occupancy significantly in just 3 months. And yet? I keep thinking I want to do something else, but I don’t know what. Not like “I’m looking for another job” but “Good GOD, what do I want to do for the rest of my working life?” I think I’ll figure it out but who knows when?

2. I poke The Chihuahua every morning to make sure she is still alive. I am going to be a disaster when she passes, even though I have The Puppy now. I see her declining and I hope it’s a slow decline and she stays healthy enough to live for a few more years. I flip OUT every time she gets sick because I’m SURE this is going to be the time I lose her. Sometimes I think I will explode if I have one more loss in my life but I know it’s coming so I try to prepare myself for it.

3. I didn’t even begin to be a grown up until I was 33, which is when I got my ADD diagnosis. Suddenly, I remembered to mail the bills which were all written out and in my work bag. (Or now, to get online and pay them, which is MUCH more convenient.) I looked around at all the things I didn’t know how to do and got MAD but there was no one to be mad AT. My parents didn’t know I had ADD. Back when I was a kid, if you didn’t have ADHD they didn’t test you and, God knows, I was never hyperactive.

4. I am more like my mother – in her not good ways – than I want to admit.

5. I can’t use a word that I can’t spell. It’s weird but if I can’t “see” the word in my mind, then I can’t use it. But then you all knew that I was grammar and spelling obsessed, didn’t you?

6. I don’t have a favorite color. I love lots of colors and I am particularly fond of specific combinations of colors: yellow and purple, blue and yellow with white, green and white, pink w/ navy blue and white.

7. Most of my work clothes are black and white print dresses. This was not by design but nearly entirely by accident. I hadn’t needed grown up work clothes in a long time, so when I got this job, I had to buy all new clothes. I went and bought things here and there and when I got them all home and hung up together – they are almost all black and white print. I have 2 plain black dresses, a gray dress and a blue dress. That’s it. The rest are black and white print. One dress does have some tan in it, too, at least. For fall/winter, I have to get some color in my clothes. And buy more boots.

8. I have moved more than 50 times in my life, so I am an expert mover but, seriously, I hate it. And I’m moving again. My new job is too far away to be able to check in on my dogs and it’s getting harder and harder to manage commuting, working and taking care of my dad. Along with having a girlfriend. I’m tired all the time. And also? I spend at least $80/week on gas unless I spend a night (or more) at the GF’s house. During the week, I mean.

9. I can read more than 600 words per minute. I was tested once. I used to be married to a psychologist, so that would explain all the testing I’ve done: Myers-Briggs, IQ, DISC, some number thing – all I can remember is I’m a 4- the ADD diagnosis, reading speed, etc. She loved that sort of thing and so do I.

10. I am better at taking care of YOU than taking care of me. Which would explain why The Ex got healthier while we were together, but I stayed the same. I know what I need to do but I don’t do it. I have no idea why. I will cook you special foods, research diets and alternative methods of care for whatever is your concern but mine? Nope. My attitude is: Take a pill and be done with it or suffer through it. However, I suspect that’s going to have to change because, really? I am Tired All of the Time. I have to do something about that. Besides caffeinate, I mean.

11. I don’t recycle. I know, I know. I mean to but I don’t follow through, generally speaking. What I do is not buy so much stuff to begin with, I reuse things and repurpose them, I freecycle and give things away but I don’t so much recycle. Also? I buy Evian. Bottled water – the worst kind as it’s imported and therefore impacts the environment even more.

12. I have a coworker with whom I don’t always see eye to eye. I blamed it on her. Partly, that’s true but I think it might ALSO have had to do with me because we had a tussle last week, which was clearly my fault and I apologized the next day. She told me she thought I was inflexible and, instead of getting mad and annoyed, I just said, “Thanks for telling me. I’ll try to pay more attention to that.” And I have. And we’ve been getting along better. See? There ARE upsides to being a grown up!

13. I sang karaoke for only the second time in my life when I was at Windover. The first time was so long ago that I can’t remember where or why or with whom but I do remember I sang “When Will I Be Loved?” This time? “These Boots Are Made for Walking.” It was fun but then I knew all the words to that song without even looking because it’s one of my mom’s favorites and I’ve been listening to it/singing it/dancing around the house to it since I was a little girl.

14. I have always been uber-protective of my younger sister. If you so much as *think* about being mean to her, I will fuck you up. Just ask that one kid from high school. Or any of the other little punks who thought it was funny to be hateful to the littlest girl in their class. Or the teacher I told off for daring to be snotty to her, unnecessarily. If you don’t like my sister, then you are a dumbass but don’t be dumb enough to *tell* me. Got it?

15. For my birthday two years ago, my mom and stepdad gave me a Nintendo DS and my mother “loaned” me her MahJong game. I still play it every night before bed. It puts me right to sleep most of the time.

16. I’m pretty sure that if I’d learn to not stress out, I’d have fewer headaches.

17. My GF tells me that I make her feel calm. I think that’s one of the nicest things anyone has said to me. Because it was genuine and Barbara-specific, not a generic compliment. I loved that.

18. I make fun of my mother for being redneck enough to name her dogs after her trucks (Dakota and Cheyenne) but I named The Puppy after a city I love to go to on vacation. (Nola, for New Orleans, LA).

19. For some reason, it surprises people when I say that “I come from a long line of moonshine-running rednecks.” I can ACT sophisticated and, you know, educated and all. Anyway, they think I’m kidding but my dad got arrested as a small person for running ‘shine. Also, my granddad. And on my mama’s side, at least one of her uncles (Uncle Will) would meet you at the bridge to his property with a rifle. Just in case you were there to a) steal his moonshine and/or money or b) arrest his cantankerous old behind for doing something illegal. Such as selling moonshine. Besides, *I* drive a big ol’ truck myself. 2003 Ford F-150. My dad gave it to me and I didn’t expect to like it but I LOVE it! I guess my redneck roots aren’t so hidden after all.

20. By the way – I had my first taste of moonshine when I was about 6. My dad said it was Mountain Dew. I thought it was soda. It wasn’t. Blech.

21. When I was in the 4th grade, I was on the Safety Patrol. (Did you guys have those? Where you wore bright orange belt-y things and got to boss your peers around by telling them when they could cross the street? Fun times!) One of my fellow safeties, as we were called, Natasha, and I used to have grand plans to turn my garage into an animal shelter for all the stray dogs in our neighborhood. We were pretty sure my dad wouldn’t mind as he wasn’t actually using the garage for anything more than storing stupid stuff. We were also quite sure we could solicit Meijer and other stores for free dog food. Well. My dad had a lot to say about silliness such as liabilities and cleaning up poop. My mother, usually far kinder than this, simply said, “Hell, no.” Or something to that effect. Sigh. The neighborhood strays had to fend for themselves and Natasha and I were crushed. Then I decided I’d be a priest. You can see how that worked out for me.

22. Until just recently, I wasn’t sure I wouldn’t go back to school and become a priest. Episcopalians do ordain women. However, the thought of returning to school like that makes me less jazzed and more tired, so I decided against it.

23. I want to go to Egypt. See, when I was a small person, my parents shipped us off to a Baptist Sunday School every morning. Now, my dad claims to be “Southern Babliss” and my mother claims to be nothing but they had an ADHD kid (my sister) and me, so Sunday School probably seemed like a good idea lest they break that one commandment that says “Thou Shalt Not Kill.” Cause me and Dawn? We drove our parents to drink. Anyway, in that Sunday School, it seemed to me that every time anybody cool was in the Bible (hello? Joseph? And that awesome coat!) they got banished to Egypt. I think I was probably 6 when I decided I was going to Egypt one day. Not next year, though, because I’m going to Hawaii.

24. Oh, yeah, all y’all probably know this by now but … I AM GOING TO HAWAII IN APRIL!!!!! I’ve always said I didn’t want to go to Hawaii until I went on my honeymoon, but let’s face it: if I wait that long, I probably will be too old to do anything more than lie on the beach and drink. Which is probably what I’ll do *anyway* but at least I’ll be ABLE to kayak down one of those lovely rivers if I decide I wanna.

25. I have read “Miss Manners’ Guide to Excruciatingly Correct Behavior” cover to cover – more than once. The cover is *tattered*. Not so much because I don’t know how to act in public (I may choose to ignore what I know, but I DO know how to act.) but because it’s FUNNY! She cracks me the hell up! You should read her book.

26. I have a strict “No Money Lending” policy. I never give anyone money that I’m going to be mad if I don’t get back. If they pay it back, then great. If they don’t, that’s okay. I was considering it a gift, anyway.

27. With rare exception, I will not buy anything from Target or Walmart if it costs more than $20. Those stores are for CHEAP stuff and cheap to me = not more than $20. If I bought some sort of appliance thing (like a toaster or whatever), I might spend more than $20 but I wouldn’t be happy about it.

28. I am a member at www.paperbackswap.com and I have 18 credits to get books but I’m saving ‘em. For what I don’t know but I have 100 books (literally!) around here waiting on me to read them, so I don’t, strictly speaking, need any more. I also don’t need to MOVE any more books.

29. If you are my girlfriend and you screw up, jewelry will get you out of it, usually. Especially if you pay attention to the things I like and get me something awesome. Like silver cuff bracelets and necklaces that look like scads of pearls/chains/etc or amethysts or great hoops. HOWEVER, if you buy me anything gold you’re going to be even more in the doghouse for not remembering that I don’t wear gold. (In the interests of full disclosure: the GF probably only reads my blog about once every full moon. If then. Seriously, I could SO talk about her and she’d never know! So, I’m not so much trying to tell HER anything. Besides, she never screws up. *grin*)

30. I had to buy a new comforter in the spring because I washed my old one almost every week and the stuffing got all mucked up. I haven’t taken the new one to the cleaners since I got it but now I have to take it. BECAUSE THE PUPPY PEED ON IT! The little punk. I left her alone on my bed for 30 seconds and she peed. It’s a good thing she’s cute. That’s all I have to say.

31. Speaking of comforters, I’m obsessed with bedding. I have several sets of sheets and I always want more! My favorites are very old 450 thread count Egyptian cotton sateen (or something like that.) They are a pretty leaf print and so, so, so soft. The GF just bought me some new ones that are a pretty blue, too. I like those a lot.

32. If I go to a Lebanese restaurant for dinner (as I did tonight), I always get the same thing: shish tawook, fattoush and French fries. Sometimes, I get crazy and add hummus to the mix. Also, it cracks me up that I’m in a Lebanese place because my sister still thinks it’s hilarious to tell people I’m Lebanese. Instead of lesbian. Yeah.

33. In that 44 Odd Things Facebook thing that I didn’t do, one of the questions is “What song do you sing in the shower?” Well, I sing “Peggy Sue” by Buddy Holly because The Chihuahua’s name is Peggy Sue. (Well, it’s really Margarita Susana Gonzales but we Anglicized it so gringos wouldn’t butcher it. And, yes, this is a joke of sorts but it cracks me up even if the only other one who will think it’s funny is my friend Amber.) So I sing, “Peggy Sue, Peggy Sue, pretty pretty pretty Peggy Sue, my Peggy, my Peggy Sue-ooo-ooo. I love you girl, yes I love you Peggy Sue.” Over and over. I’m pretty sure my neighbors will be glad to see me leave.

Now … some of the 44 questions that I decided to answer after all:

2. Have you ever been drunk? Uh… yeah. Diana has photographic evidence.

3. Do you own a gun? No but I would. I like guns. I used to know how to shoot but it’s been YEARS so I’d have to take a class or something. I was thinking of taking a CCW class. Uhh .. carrying a concealed weapon class. Because if I had a gun, I’d want to carry it in my purse, thus concealing it. And, please, darlings, don’t lecture me on gun safety. A) I have no munchkins and B) I know that if I’m not prepared to shoot someone I shouldn’t have a gun because of intruders, etc. I’d shoot the motherfucker. After I ascertained that the motherfucker in question wasn’t my GF coming to surprise me or something like that.

7. Favorite Christmas movie? A Christmas Carol. I love all of them, even the Mr. Magoo one and even the Fonzie one.

43. Favorite sports team? Well, duh. I’m from Michigan – The Detroit Pistons!!!! Aside from that I have randomly chosen The Maryland Ravens. Okay, not so randomly as they are the team that Michael Oher from The Blind Side plays on and I had to pick a football team if I was gonna watch football with the GF this year and, though I’m from Michigan, I can’t get all that excited about the Lions because they lose. ALL THE TIME. But I still sorta will root for them. Unless they are playing the Ravens. Or the Saints. Because the Saints are from the town after which I named The Puppy. But back to basketball, I also like the Utah Jazz – just because I like their name. And the Lakers don’t suck, but I’m always for the underdog and in no universe could the Lakers be considered an underdog.

Okay. The End. Leave comments. Especially you. Yes, you. Oh, wait, except that one you. The one who likes to leave me snotty comments. The website logs your IP address, which I know, and also the one at work, so I will never approve those comments. Just so you know. Regardless of what fake email address you use.

A side rant: I told someone that ya’ll is incorrect and it should be written “y’all.” They argued with me that it depends on where you live. Uh, no. The apostrophe in a contraction designates missing letters. Since the missing letters in question are the “ou” in you, the correct place for the apostrophe is after the y and before the a. Just so you know.

I have great plans to start writing another blog all about grammar and usage as it clearly drives me to drink. I even bought the domain (www.TheGrammarMechanic.com) but I haven’t gotten around to doing it yet. But I will. Be warned.

Don’t give yourself a label. Delude yourself, if you like, into thinking that the rest of the world goes along with your No Label Plan. You know what? You might actually even BE one of those bland non-butch, non-femme “tweeners.” God help you, but it can be true. So you don’t do butch. You don’t do femme. Fine.

Just shut UP about it already. Don’t we hear enough nonsense from outside the queer world? Do we really need to do it to our fellow queers? Honestly? If you don’t understand and want to ask genuine questions, great. I’ll be happy to talk to you. If you just want to tell me that butches want to be men and femmes are really just straight chicks waiting for the right man, then don’t bother. Because the so-called butches who want to be men are transgendered and actually ARE men, not butches at all. THAT is a whole other post. As for femmes wanting men – dude. I’ve been an out femme lesbian for TWENTY THREE YEARS. If I were looking for the right guy, surely he would have presented himself by now. There are men everywhere. Go outside and look around – men all over the place. I am not interested in men. Attributes that we attribute to men, sure. Masculinity and femininity are social constructs anyway. That, too, is a whole other post.

Those of you who don’t understand why I love those I love sound remarkably like the heterosexuals who don’t “get” why two women might fall in love, or two men. Intolerant. Yes, darlings, you sound intolerant. Perhaps even a tiny smidge Republican.

I won’t ask you all to embrace butch/femme. If you aren’t, you aren’t. There’s nothing to be done about it but love you anyway. What I would ask if that you be more respectful of your fellow queers. (For the record, the sarcastic tone of this post was fully intentional. I am trying to mimic the way those who don’t “do” butch/femme talk about us. To make a point. That it isn’t very nice to hear directed at you. So don’t send me hatemail about how hypocritical I am.)

And with that, I end the rant du jour. Happy weekend, pumpkins. I’m off work til Tuesday and, as much as I love my job, THANK GOD! I need the chillin’ time.

It will surprise no one who knows me IRL to find out that I do not listen. The resort staff organized a Golf Cart Obstacle Course. It’s done in pairs: one of you drives (blindfolded, mind you) while the other directs. I drove. The GF directed. We did not win. However, for the rest of the weekend, the GF was greatly amused to find that she was not recognized throughout the resort for any personal characteristic of her own but because “Oh! You’re the one whose girlfriend drove into the trees!” Yes, darlings, I did. I drove into the trees and I nearly took out a parked golf cart. The GF says she thinks it’s because I tried to steer too hard and go too fast. Story of my life. They took pictures but, so far, I haven’t seen them on their website! Thank goodness for small favors!

The GF brought her karaoke machine along with us and Friday night she and our friend A sang more than a few songs. She also invited a few people to come sing with us on Saturday. A few people turned into half the campground! It’s a good thing, too, because we were making so much noise anyone near us would have been mad.

Oh, and speaking of large groups of women, The Chihuahua was the belle of the ball. I think her feet didn’t touch the ground the entire night as she was passed from woman to woman. Even the most butch among us couldn’t resist the charms of The Chihuahua.

Today’s Music Monday videos come from karaoke. I had whisky as is evidenced by the fact that I sang “These Boots Are Made for Walking.” I danced better than Nancy Sinatra, too! Nobody’s ears bled, so it wasn’t any worse than anyone else’s. Our friend A sang Janis Joplin. It turns out those screams Janis does aren’t as easy as one might think. The third is a song The GF sang.

Enjoy the music, pumpkins.

Banana Custardy Stuff

5 ripe bananas
1/4 t vanilla
1/4 c nonfat milk

food processor

The bananas need to be pretty ripe – there should be some brown spots on the peels. Cut them up into small pieces and freeze them. By the way, small pieces means more like diced than sliced. More like cut each slice of banana into quarters. Trust me on this one.

Once the bananas are frozen, pop ‘em into your food processor with the vanilla and milk and process away until smooth. You may need to put the bananas in the processor in batches, depending on how powerful your food processor is. By “in batches” I just mean put some in, process, add more, process, etc. Don’t take the processed stuff out in between.

Once they are all processed, scoop out into 4 bowls and serve immediately.

I tried to save some of this in the freezer and it didn’t stay the same texture, so you probably want to eat it all the same day. You can halve the recipe, though, but if you don’t want a stray half a banana lying around, then use 3 bananas.

You could serve this plain (I did) or put chocolate syrup over it and/or nuts and/or whipped cream. It is soooooo yummy. And good for you! That’s a combo you can’t beat. It’s also pretty inexpensive. I saw bananas in the supermarket for 44 cents a pound and 5 bananas is probably about a pound.

Try it out and tell me what you think!

Rugby’s friend Stacy says,

“What makes a butch swoon-worthy for me? A sense of strength, their strong sense of self, and they way they fit in those jeans helps too. It’s the idea that they will be there, with their strong arms to hold you when the going gets rough. It’s how they bring out all that is soft and
feminine in me. How they dress is awesome, but it’s only an outer example of their inner person, and it’s that inner person that makes them swoon-worthy.

She’s got the rough and ready part down pat. ”

If you’re looking for more of Rugby8, check out her tumblr page. Stop in and say hello. Rugby8 might be rough & ready … but she’s also warm and friendly, so you’ll get a friendly welcome.

“> (For the record, the official versions of this video were embedding disabled, but it’s an excellent video, so you should look for it on YouTube.”